lastweektranscripts

[lastweektranscripts]

Last Week I Started Vlogging Again!

Last Week # 1

March 28th - April 3rd, 2016

(These might be weirdly formatted, due to Tom’s style at the beginning of Last Week as a series)

 [Hey you! So tod- Ah- Uh- Nailed it. Oh my God, okay. How do I- How do I do this?

 Hey you! So, I thought I would try something a little different this week. I don’t really vlog in the traditional sense of “Whoa, look, here’s what I’m up to with my life” and I thought it’d be kinda nice to do that again.

One, because I miss making memories, and just logging my life, more than, y’know, just one day a year. And also, I just thought it’d be kinda interesting to see what happens when I start sharing my life, and my world with you a bit more. Um, I noticed that a lot of people still reference my past. They talk about my old friends, my old friendships, and I realised that not many people actually realize what my life is really like anymore. So, this is my first ever attempt at a weekly vlog. So, welcome to Last Week.

 Last Week started off with a lazy bank holiday Monday which I spent most of writing... videos for. Because I don’t know how to not do YouTube, it’s- I dunno, Dunno what I’m doing.]

  Monday

 Today I am just hanging out in my living room, on my own, because I’m very cool. I’ve got the fireplace going, it’s very nice. Um, and I’m writing vlogs.

-

It really sounds like there’s a bird stuck in my chimney. This is kind of horrific.

-

It wasn’t a bird, it was a ridiculous amount of hail! Help me.

-

Okay, I have just finished writing my first vlog of the day. It is 6pm, but the vlog is 1,200 words long so...

 I remember when I used to write vlogs that were like, 60 seconds long. Those were, those were good days. What do I write next? Oh I don’t know. Oh I’ve gotta write a lot of vlogs. Oh my god.

-

Tom: Elliot is here!

Elliot: Wh- Whaaaat What Why? What? What’s happening?

Tom: Jaffa cakes.

Elliot: Jaffa cakes.

 Tuesday

 So, after staying up all night with Elliot watching “Gravity Falls”, which was amazing, uh, we have come into the office very late, and we are now shooting vlogs. Elliot is now finishing off a vlog about guns, and I am hopefully writing another vlog.

-

[Because I wanted to spend the rest of the week with Eddie, writing, and I always get distracted when there’s lots of stuff going on in the office, Tuesday we spent writing and filming the vlogs, so that Elliot could then go away for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and edit those while Eddie and I stayed in the office and wrote.]

-

Aaah, so the time has come to film two vlogs, the one about money and the one I’ve just written about life goals, and all the things I want to achieve in my life. Here is the vlogging setup, we’re trying to use a nice boom mic these days. There are lights, and things, and a gun wall, I don’t need this bat anymore. Oh, that was loud!

-

Okay, so that’s the vlogs done! Elliot is now going to leave the office for three days and edit them. Why’re you still here?

Elliot:[Starts to speak]

Tom: Elliot, get out!

-

[Wednesday morning started off in Central London, with me doing some stuff for my diet, which I still haven’t really talked about, and... don’t want to yet. I don’t wanna. I just don’t wanna.]

 Wednesday

 So I’ve yet to tell you guys exactly how I am losing a lot of the weight, but one of the ways involves a lot of dietary supplements and nutrients, and I’m gonna go pick those up now.

-

I got on the wrong train, and now I am running late. I’m smart

-

[It also became quite apparent at this point in the week that vlogging makes most other people feel quite uncomfortable, especially when you don’t tell them you’re doing it. The look they kinda give you, it’s as if you’ve just turned around and you’ve got your dick out.]

-

So now we are at work. And we are going to write today.

Eddie: Yes.

Tom: [Laughs]

-

So I’ve just found out that we might have access to Chris Evans and Anthony Mackey for like, half an hour to hopefully shoot a sketch to help promote “Captain America: Civil War”, which is amazing and very exciting, but I’m not gonna get my hopes up too much, because these kind of opportunities usually fall through. But, that said, we are writing a sketch called- I dunno- called “Fire Man”, which I really really like, and the truth is, even if this doesn’t go through, I’m definitely going to make this sketch cuz I think it’s really really funny. Um, yeah, I really hope we get to do this.

-

[Wednesday ended though with me heading up to see my girlfriend because it was her birthday, and yes- yes I have a girlfriend, but I don’t really talk about that stuff publicly, I haven’t for my last, uh, couple of relationships because, pffffft, I stopped vlogging and, y’know the, obviously when you make something very public, uh, then it ends, people get- people are invested, and they throw opinions around which no-one really needs when you’re going through a breakup, so I just kinda keep that to myself now. I’m not- I don’t keep big secrets, but-]

-

[On Thursday morning though, I headed back into work and continued to make Eddie feel uncomfortable bu- by vlogging around him. Cuz he really likes it when I do that.]

 Thursday

 SO IT’S A NEW DAY! And I am wearing the same clothes, because, walk of shame. Eddie- Eddie is- Eddie is cleaning up boxes. What’s Eddie doin’?

 Eddie: Cleaning up boxes.

Tom: He’s- He’s doing that. Those are for MCM.

 We just finished a first draft of a new script for Crash Zoom, it is called Sky Scam, and I’ve just sent it off to a bunch of my comedy writing to be like, “Please destroy this script”, so I know if it’s funny or not.

-

Just came up with another idea for a sketch. It’s uh, it’s called “Incredibly Offensive” and it is- The idea is that it’s just every offensive thing ever in- in one sketch. All the things you can’t say, or do, or show, and uh, this came- this came out of me trying to brainstorm ideas with Eddie about incredibly safe sketches to do.

 So y’know, when I’m in my head I’m going “Here’s all these things we can’t do”, and my brain just goes “Oh yeah, what if we just do all of those.” So, who knows if that sketch will ever get made. S’good use of my time.

-

[So when it comes to my weight loss and the diet I’m doing, I am doing a kinda medically supervised diet thing, which also comes with some physiotherapy, some physical treatments, and all I can really say about those right now, is that they make me wear the most ridiculous, ridiculous outfit that I am pretty sure is just designed to make me feel bad about being overweight, so that I never wanna do it again. If that is the plan, it’s definitely working.]

-

Okay, so exciting news. I am now officially no longer the heaviest I’ve ever been. I am now the weight that I was, back when I went on a diet in 2010, that was my previous heaviest ever, 15 and a half stone. So, I know I can do this. But I’m vlogging in the middle of the street, and it’s weird, and everyone’s looking at me, so that’s fun.

-

[Vlogging in public is weird though, especially when you get recognized mid-way through doing it.That’s- That’s always strange.]

-

Girl: I wanna say hello to my boyfriend, Eric. Hello!

Tom: Hi Eric!

-

[Friday was April Fools day, which basically meant that I had not planned anything, as per usual, even though I want to do a good April Fools joke. So I just improvised, and I just scared the living shit out of a lot of my friends.

 Friday

 Y’know, like most great ideas, in the shower I thought that it’d be kinda funny to just pretend I’m gonna do a video all about which YouTubers have had sex with eachother. Um, so I’ve just posted up a thumbnail saying it’s coming later today.

-

[So Last Week I was working on something called “Project Salvation”, which is basically me attempting to get my channel back on track, and make up for being quite slow over the past six months or so, not uploading nearly as many videos as I’d like to. I started off 2015 really well, uploading two videos a month, and then it just went straight down to one video a month again. So, “Project Salvation��� is basically my attempt at making some really, really good, really great sketches that I really think people are gonna enjoy. And Eddie and I, we’re just kinda powering through coming up with ideas for those, and yeah we, I-I think we have something pretty good- pretty good on the way.]

 Tom: It’s top notch.

 [Alice came in though, to record the new episode of “Crash Zoom”, which is nice, it’s always nice to see Alice, and I wish more people would hire her to be an actress, but hey, that much I can say is- Crash Zoom, there’s new Crash Zoom and it’s coming and yay.]

-

We asked a lot of friends for their opinions on the script and then we cut- we cut- we cut so much script I just- All- All the jokes. Why.

-

[Alice screams]

Tom: I share my office building with a lot of other people.

-

Alice has now left us, and we are back writing again.

Eddie: Yay...

We’re good- We’re good- We’re fun people. We are writing a new sketch, which might be a spiritual sequel to another sketch that I made, with Eddie.

Eddie: Yaaay.

Which was quite popular, that involved a-

Eddie: It’s like a floor, but a lack of. Tom: Yeah.

-

[And Friday ended with my girlfriend coming to see me, which was nice. And I said “Goodbye” to her, and she has gone off away on holiday for two- two weeks, so now I am so alone. Just so alone.

 On Saturday evening though, I headed on over to Sammy’s, and things got a little, a little off the chain. Little crazy.]

 Saturday

 Crushin’ mad pussy right now. Playin’ some tabletop games. We’re- Everyone’s having a good time, and I’m- Pussy’s gettin’ crushed.

Elliot: What’re you doing?

-

Tom: Sammy, tell us all your racist joke.

Sammy: That wasn’t racist!

Elliot: I mean, we all heard it.

Friend: Go on.

Sammy: Hang on, I have too much power here to just suddenly be like “Thanks for telling that racist joke just before the camera started.”

Tom: Haha, that was- That was racist, Sammy.

Sammy: Stop!

-

[Saturday ended with me and Sammy staying up until about four am, talking about things, ideas, and people. Elliot was asleep between us, on the sofa, we weren’t in the same bed, or were we? We weren’t. Um, but Sunday started with a picnic, and I say started, we didn’t really- We didn’t really get there until about 2pm because I’m good at organizing things. And also being on time.]

 Sunday

 It’s pi- It’s picnic day. Look, some friends! There’s one! I met a duck.

-

This is a friend duck. A Fuck.

-

Someone: Ducksquidge.

-

[Then we went to the pub, had cheeky, cheeky sparkling water. Okay, I also had a gin and tonic, even though I’m not supposed to on this diet. But what can I say? I’m- I’m an- I’m a budding alcoholic, so.]

-

We are in- In a p- with alcohols. I can’t drink.

-

Tom: Hey Sammy, guess what? Fuck you!

Sammy: Aw fuck!

-

[But then we went back to mine and played even more tabletop games because my god, are we ever cool. We’re not cool, not even slightly.]

-

Sammy: Oh, we’re here again, playing “Dead of Winter”, phew we live a wild, exciting life don’t we?

[Group chuckling in background]

-

[Finally everyone got ubers to their respective homes, and the week was over. And honestly I can say it was a really, a really good week like, it was nice to- It was nice to create some stuff. I didn’t write nearly as much as I hoped I would, but we got a lot of stuff done, there was a lot of progress made, and- And I saw a lot of people, and I socialized a lot more than I normally do. This was not reflective of kind of the last two years of my life, and it was just really nice seeing people, and- Yeah, I dunno, it was just- It’s been great to socialize, and that’s nice. I wanna do that more, I wanna live more, I wanna- people. I want people in my life. I kinda cut my social life down by two-thirds a couple of years ago, and it’s nice to socialize again.

 So what have I learned from my first week of vlogging? Um, first of all, I should really probably finish this setup, which I haven’t done yet, since moving around things in the office, and also I should film more cutaways, I keep forgetting to do that. So, here’s one. Here’s a- Here’s a cutaway. Vlogging: I’m a professional. I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m sorry. But thank you for watching, let me know what you think about this, of this weekly vloggy experience. All my friends are doing monthly vlogs, so I’m gonna one-up them, or up them by four times. I’m gonna 400% them-up. 4-up them? I dunno what I’m-

 I’m just gonna end this now. Thank you for watching and Tomska out.

 I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.]