letmesleepandnotwakeup

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

I dont like.. anything about myself.. i dont think i necessarily hate myself either.. i just... i feel nauseous, kinda like i want to cry.. to cut.. i dont know who tf i am anymore.. i dont think i have for a long time... becoming self aware of the masks was the worst shit that ever happened... but.. but ive been wearing these masks a long time now...

I dont feel like a person.. i dont feel like much of anyhtinf.. i feel like im fucking performing i. This fucking vent on my own perosnal blog no one will ever read i cant stop fucjung performing every one of my emotions every expression of it for some invisible audience because indont feel anything strong enough to express naturally just enough to want to die ig...

I dont know... i hate myself i hate everyone.. yet i dont care enough to truly hate... i dont care enough to try and save them anymore.. or myself

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

Vent

I think.. part of me is broken.. and I don't know how to fix it.. I don't care about.. anyone.. I did.. I so so truly did. I cared so much, adored so much. Convinced myself it was finally fucking different this time, and here I am.. a year later.. and.. its the same..

The same going through the motions with people i half tolerate most of the time while quietly resenting them and occasionally being happy with them.. too much of a coward to just cut them off... i mean.. people are a pleasant distraction.. my leaving would hurt them.. my continued staying hurts them... yet.. i.. i wont say i don't care about that. I dislike hurting people i care about.. but.. i dont adore them how i once did.. no longer an exception.. just another name in a long list of relationships i inevitably fucked up and got bored of.. i wouldn't particularly miss any of these people anymore... more so what they do for me.. none of them.. i thought i had hit the jackpot and got 5 people last year! 5 truly different people i adored.. and now... they are just like everyone else.. dull.. boring... painful... one more mask i have to polish and paint and take the beratings every time i make a wrong step.. and i do step very much wrong and that should be corrected yes..

I don't fucking know what i believe anymore.. ill cling to what i know cause its all i have. I barely qualify as a person.. no one else feels like a person.. person feels like some esoteric made up concept to me that doesnt truly exist.

I miss being able to love people.. properly... not.. whatever infatuation i can use to fuel a relationship for seemingly a year at most... im just a puppet that dances when people pulls its strings if the person im dancing for can make me feel again for a minute.. forget who i am for a minute... but eventually they'll get bored.. or ill get bored... or illl hurt them im some way..

I thought i had long accepted the fact relationships were temporary.. but i really deluded myself for a minute their that they weren't... i really convinced myself there for a minute.. im more disappointed in myself than anything..

Over the past year ive becomena far crueler, more dishonest, uglier person than ive ever been in my life... i hate it.. so afraid to lose companionship i found with broken people i broke myself more to fit their mold...

They are cruel, misguided, underhanded people... some just monsters who dont even try to justify their actions they simply act how they want without regard for others... the others parading a mask of righteousness not theirs to claim while they play in control, lies, and cruelty in the name of an unachievable greater good.. whose judgement spares none..

These i found my companionship? Im hardly suprised... i was already dishonest.. controlling.. an illusion who clung to others to find a sense of self... but everything... in my effort to become kinder.. less judgemental... i think i just became accepting of evil...

Im caught in my own web.. im not willing to cut a single thread... so ill stay in limbo.. until someone else cuts it or it slowly rots... slowly... just like all the other rotting lines of the past im caught in...

I hate everyone.. i hate you all.. i hate you arent perfect, i hate I've become more like you.. i hate everyones a hypocrite.. i hate you are all idiots... and I hate myself most of all..

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

Seriously suspecting NPD culture is not realising all the ways you shirk accountability and take advantage of others until you have one of your Chosen People stick you under a spotlight...

Like damn... i really do that way more than i thought and i didn't even realise? Could have done without the empathy jabs... like dude i try but we've been knowning i struggle with processing guilt or having empathy.... he himself has taken advantage of that fact more than once 😭

But i genuinely did not see all the little ways i absolve myself of responsibility or accountability for my actions or how im just.. casually cruel to people at times? More so people i dont care about... but i just genuinely dont consider how my actions affect others beyond like... the most immediate effects... its a wonder im as good at manipulating people as i am all things considered 😭

I do have something of a moral compass and i can in certain circumstances feel guilt for what i did genuinely instead of just cause i got punished for it... did i enjoy this friend pushing me until i felt genuine remorse by forcing me through cognitive empathy in a kind of shitty way? Absolutely the fuck not... was it necessary? Probably...

Idk i just didn't realise how much those particular narc traits (avoiding accountability, lack of empathy and forethought, manipulation, exploitation) was causing me to hurt the people around me.

Its odd to be confronted with my own behaviour in a way... i felt genuinely shit over what i did like... 6 hours ago? But im honestly kind of over it now and just glad said friend isn't still actively angry with me... ill try and reflect because i said i would... but i struggle more than i thought to like.. hold the fact i did something wrong in my mind? As an action? I can grasp the idea of me being a "bad person" quite well.. i flip flop between thinking im "good" (better than everyone) or "bad," (scum of the earth) but the second never lasts long unless im hella depressed cause I just can't tolerate my own negative emotions. Im struggling to hold the concept i did a bad thing without it just.. flippikg into me being self defeating and self pitying? Which helps no one and isnt remorse..

I cant conceptualise me doing something bad without it being my whole identity... i need to be perfect or im nothing... so i find ways to either ignore or justify my own behaviour so i dont have to confront it... even when forced to confront it.. i just default back to what i was doing before pretty soon after...

Hopefully my behaviour changes after this.. but its honestly hard to say if it will...

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

I kinda wanna die rn... just... run away from all my problems

I am in a bed of thorns of my own creation... and now i want to die... to slit my wrists on the sharp edges... yet the dying roses are still pulling me jn

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

If i left id leave without saying goodbye... thats the most scary part i think... if i leave it will be onnam impulse to hard to ignore.. there wont be any letters. Ill just be gone.. everyone lef tonwonder what happened... i don't know if thats.crueler than getting a shittly written letter and being unable to stop me honestly

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

If i could have ONE negative emotion without immediately feeling suicidal that would be great thanks

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

Aborted attempts make me feel like shit... if i wasn't such a coward and actually get the courage and jump... but not.. ill forever stnad on the precipices ready to jump.. wanting to jump... before taking a step back... is it even worth helping? Im never gonna get the courage to actually kill myself... chickening out of attempt after atttempt never actually trying or going through with.. im fucking pathetic... i dont even have real problems.. i cant even bring myself to do this right... i just want to be worthy of help.. to have people acknowledge i need help, i need support... to not just be told i could fix myself if i tried harder... its.. i want to die so this all stops.. to run away from my life.. the consequences of my actions.. but i equally want to attempt and survive.. to hope that someone would finally take me seriously

Staring at the water in the pool... i could drown myself rn... i could od on my meds slit my wrists and drown myself in the pool... it would be at least 3 hours before anyone notcied i was gone

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

Staring at the water in the pool... i could drown myself rn... i could od on my meds slit my wrists and drown myself in the pool... it would be at least 3 hours before anyone notcied i was gone

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

"None of them actually care about you yknow?" "They're stupid like everyone else.. they'll never understand you and you'll never understand them" "you deluded yourself into thinking it would be different this time" "you're fucking pathetic look at you grovelling for these losers attention" "you stupid empty fucking doll, you'll never be able to love or connect to anyone" "why do you even bother?" "Just block them all it will be better for them and for you in the long run" "you're the problem you always were" "you'll never be able to connect to them" "you'll lose interest like you always do, you were stupid to think it'd be different"

"Those meds are poisin you're poising yourself" "take them then shove your fingers down your throat and throw them up" "its an everything drug, you're gp put you on it out of laziness" "you're gp is an incompetent bufoon why would you listen to him?" "Seb and Res dont know what they are talking about they are bought into big pharma" "you're dad will flip out when he finds out" "its poisin" "its gonna gice you a heart attack" "its gonna make you even more fucked in the head" "its your lack of faith in God that makes you in pain in the first place you deserve this" ...

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

*showing visible symptoms* oh my god i need help desperately

*symptoms go away for one day* what if im just faking it

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

Oh my word they hate me they hate me they hate me they hate me i dont care but at the same time i do i shouldn't have messaged then i should have just stayed away for a bit longer why tf did i reveal i was there i ruined the moment and now they're gonna hate me

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

I wanna die i wanna dies i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die inwanna die let me leave let me leave let me leave let me leave let me leave let me leave letbme leave make it all stop make it all stop make it all stop make it all stop make it all stop pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls pls im so tired im so tired im so tired

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

The Dilema of Therapy

1. There is nothing wrong with me.

That means every failed class, every broken friendship, every mental low was normal and i am just weak for failing. All my failures were fully preventable and it is my own laziness and pessimism that has caused me sl much grief when i simply could have chosen to be better

2. There is something wrong with me

There is something wrong, I am damaged, I am no longer perfect I am no longer better than others I am actually worse than others. I am the problem. I have to admit I have failings and weakness something is inherently wrong with me. I was doomed from the start.

But if i dont go it can be Schroedingers box of mental issues forever! Where my struggles are neither indicative of something inherently wrong with me nor are they something completely normal that could.have been prevented if i had tried harder!

Fuck my life

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

You know.. i could probably be what my dad wanted me to be if i planned to kill myself by this time 2027 year... i just need to finish my degree and pay off my loans... yeah i would never finish the teacher trainee course but... i could pay most of that ahead.. i probably wouldn't have any debt from that... i could lock in for 2 mote years maybe... i could be absolutely fucking miserable and keep just enough of a smile, ive already got shit relationships irl wouldn't take much to cut those.. if my dad has his way my online friendships will be well and truly gone as well by then... if i kill myself the day i turn 23 i think i could do it... i could leave debt free... no longer a burden... i would need to write letters... its harsh... id want to write letters to my discord friends but that would be crueler i think.. that assumes ill stay in contact once my dad cracks down.... it would hurt them and me but better to let them think i lost interest rather than them suffer when im gone... everyone will be better off with me gone as long as i can pay my debt... they wouldn't admit that but its true... i dont want to do that yet... i love my friends.. i love my online friends i dont want to lose that yet... i cant be selfless... i dont have it in me to perform, be the perfect doll the rest of my life... but i could maybe be one for 2 more years to pay off my debts

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

I am so fucking tired, the smallest of task feels overwhelming again.. fuck i hate this. The social isolation of the past... 7? 8? Months has made me weak... the idea of having to pretend to be a full person again is terrifying. Ive been oversleeping these past couple of days... but i just so tired... and self harm wasnt cutting it as a quick fix cope... couldn't bring myseld to cut deep enough on my shoulder for that... i dont want to have to be a real person again.. i know i do... but its almost too much to exist as this creature thing in the walls... i know im being lazy.. this day was made so much worse by the planned trip to Japan being mentioned... "this isn't a holiday it's a mission trip" ... which is good! Im glad! Thats what it should be. But what if the work requires hard physical labour? What if i have a flare up while im there? What if i cant bring painkillers and i cant buy any? What if we stay in a capsule hotel and im not able to sleep? What if i cant bring my cane? What if im just makijg up all these fears in an attempt to cover the fact im disappointed its not a holiday?

Fuck i hate being disabled.. but also what if im not disabled and im actually just a little bitch and everyone feels like this daily and im just calling it pain because im a little bitch (on average my chronic pain hurts more than my selfharm but im ignoring that because im also a little bitch when it comes to self harm and can barely give myself more than scratches i dont deserve to call myself a cutter)

Fuck isnt this the most basic white girl ahit you've ever heard? A depressed white girl who cuts herself and gets mildly tipsy on wine to cope... watches anime and thinks she's "disabled" oh my word im fucking obnoxious...

I want to kill myself to avoid all this pain and responsibility and the inevitable failure.. i feel like i cant cope anymore.. i just want to go... this world is a curse and im tired and terrified...

I am so sick of being scared all the fucking time... sure ill call it ✨️paranoia✨️ ✨️distress✨️ but at the end of the day i am so fucking scared of myself, of the world around me, of the future, its ruining my fucking life... and i dont care that its "irrational" or that thinking like this is ruining my life.. i know you think im choosing to be like this???? You think I can turn this on and off like a light switch??? Fuck you.. sincerely fuck you

[letmesleepandnotwakeup]

the essay is finally out!

in which I try to delineate a harm reduction approach to self-harm and a rejection of capitalistic conceptions of cutting, substance use and other behaviors parsed as self-harm; in opposition to the imposed necessity of recovery, sobriety, and the monitoring (self-imposed or not) in all discussions of self-harm.

full body autonomy for cutters now!