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I Love You, SpongeBob

A/N: Brace yourselves, this is a wild ride. I don’t know why I wrote this

Warnings: Terrible writing, angst, tsundere Squidward. what else can I say

Pairing: Squidward x Spongebob

Squidward woke up with a start when he heard the ritualistic chanting of his nextdoor neighbor. He mumbled something about a “boring life”, sarcasm dripping from his sleepy voice. “I hate that guy.” As he walked over to his bathroom, a loud crash sounded behind him, followed by some shuffling.

“Gooood morning Squidward!!! If we leave right now, you’ll be able to work an extra hour with me, your best buddy!!! Whaddaya say?!”

“...Sponge…Bob…SquarePANTS, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!! That’s the fifth time this week that you’ve broken my window!” This porous, infuriating, idiotic yellow sponge!

“I paid for the repair last time, didn’t I, Squidward? It’ll make Mr. Krabs so happy if you come early!” This… stupid sponge.

“I hate you, SpongeBob!” The tall squid turned sharply on his heels and slammed the door shut, leaving SpongeBob with a bright red mark on his face. He heard the sponge take a few steps away before a muffled, “If you give me a chance, you might change your mind!”.

“Welcome to the Krusty Krab, what can I get for you today?” Squidward muttered when another customer stumbled in, paying no mind to the pink figure coming into view as he looked down at a paper.

“Uhhhhhhhh… uh! Squidward has a twin? That’s so funny, your name is Krab even though you’re a squid!”

Quickly, he crumpled the sheet and tossed it into a corner of the small boat.

“Of course it’s you. Your friend is taking out the trash in the back, why don’t you tell him to stop breaking into my house while you’re at it?” Said Squidward in an annoyed tone.

“Uhuhuh! You’re just like Squidward! Wait! How do you know who I am… Are you psychic?!!!”

“Patrick, everyone in Bikini Bottom knows you. You’re the DUMBEST fish in town! Now, are you going to order something or keep wasting my time?”

By the time Squidward looked up, Patrick was nowhere to be seen. Huh, that noisy yet I didn’t even notice him leave. Whatever. A few moments passed and the kitchen was still unusually quiet, no patties being flipped, no hushed giggling. Curiosity creeped up on him, and while the line was empty he sneaked outside to see what was going on. They can’t be together, can they? No, no, why does it matter if they are? I hate SpongeBob. I could care less about his shenanigans.

His tentacles took him around to the back of the building, staying hidden so as to not let the two friends know that someone was listening.

“Woah, really?? SpongeBob, that’s awesome! Does that mean you’re gonna be in my TV?”

“Maybe, Patrick!! I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long! But… I’m a little nervous. I’ve never gone that far, let alone by myself… I know Spatula’s going to be with me, but…”

“Aw, SpongeBob, don’t worry! I’ll keep the TV on all the time so that you’re always here!”

Confused, Squidward went to continue eavesdropping until he heard Mr. Krabs yelling for him from inside as he quickly tiptoed back to his station.

“Patrick, do you think Squidward will ever like me back?”

The day was over as soon as it had started, and Squidward was nearly done cleaning up his station to leave. “I’m going home now, make sure you lock up when you’re done!” He yelled through the kitchen window.

“Wait, Squidward!” SpongeBob replied. Squidward moved closer, hearing the urgency in his coworker’s voice. Or was he a friend? He couldn’t decide.

“What is it, SpongeBob? I need to get home so I can have my beauty sleep.” A lie. I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

“Um… Well, the thing is…” Why, at times like these, does he not get on my nerves? “I got a call from Gordon Ramsay.” Oh. That’s why.

“Gordon Ramsay… you mean, from Hell’s Kitchen? What could he possibly want from you?” Squidward clenched his fist.

“He wants to train me as a Sous Chef… which means-”

“You’re leaving Bikini Bottom. Good, I don’t like you anyway.” Another lie. It shouldn’t be this hard to admit that I… Squidward moved back towards the entrance with his cap in hand, but something grabbed his arm.

“I like you, Squidward.” He looked back at SpongeBob, who was desperately looking for a reply in his best friend’s eyes. Squidward slowly pulled the yellow hand off of his arm and left without a word. I don’t really hate you.

The following day at the Krusty Krab began like any other day with Squidward sitting at his station, taking orders and calls. But something felt off. He waited for SpongeBob to serve a patty, and it never came. He poked his head into the kitchen to see what the sponge was doing, only to discover that SpongeBob wasn’t there.

“SpongeBob!” He called out.

“These krabby patties won’t cook themselves!” He tried again. Then he heard the doors open at the front of the restaurant- it was SpongeBob, wearing a black suit and bowtie instead of his uniform.

“Citizens of Bikini Bottom, customers of the Krusty Krab, you may recognize me as your favorite flipper of patties. I’ve come… to say goodbye!” Gasps were heard around the room, and Mr. Krabs came out of his office.

“Settle down, everyone! Me boy was given an opportunity to make us more money!” The red crab announced. “He’s leaving this city to learn from Gordon Ramsay! Eikeikeikeikei!”

“Mr. Krabs is right, everyone. I’ll be gone for a long time, but I promise to come back and be a better chef than I ever was!” But who’s going to flip the patties if not you?

The customers began to thank SpongeBob for serving them the best flavors of his time. A few were in tears. Meanwhile, Squidward sat still as a rock, full of so much emotion that he couldn’t speak. Who’s going to force me to smile and laugh every day?

SpongeBob looked over at his coworker. Squidward could see a glimmer of something in his eyes, before it disappeared and his friend left. Suddenly, he snapped out of his trance and jumped over the small door of his station, running outside to reach SpongeBob before the bus left.

It was too late. In the distance, he could see the bus speeding off until it finally disappeared behind the hills. Falling to his knees, Squidward sobbed. Maybe if I hadn’t been so mean. Maybe if I admitted my feelings to myself, to him. Maybe if…

“I love you, SpongeBob...”

[lil-riddle-kiddle]

Ukraine, 26th Feb, 2022

A friend of mine told me yesterday that he didn’t realise how much Ukraine meant to him until now. I posted yesterday about the time we spent there, and we’re all getting super pre-occupied about the invasion. As I said in that post, I can’t get our waitress out of my head. I can sort of remember what she looked like now. She had an undercut. I think maybe her hair might have been blue? But - I will never know if she lives through this, and it’s driving me very slightly mad.

So naturally, my husband spent all day yesterday obsessively researching everything he could about it with the help of his journalist friends, as a way to help me process it.

This post is me putting it all in order, as a way to try and process my own emotional response as much as anything else (I freely admit there is an element of self-indulgence here). Please don’t take me as the spokesperson for Ukraine right now, nor as a solid reliable news source. But, I haven’t seen this stuff except in bits and pieces on Tumblr, so here we go.

(This is also not about why the invasion has happened. This post is solely about what has happened, and how the invasion is going.)

So, Putin and the rest of the world believed that this invasion would take 1-4 days. The plan was to push through fast, take Kyiv, and force Volodymyr Zelenskyy, the Ukrainian President, to surrender. Given Russia’s military might, it really looked likely.

Here is the conclusion of all that’s happened so far:

Ukraine is absolutely nailing this??? Actually???

They managed to defend every single city overnight, including Kyiv. They started rolling out and using these WW2-style anti-tank thingies that look a bit like angry gabbions, look, here’s a picture of one being delivered:

A bunch of spare iron girders turned into a hefty octopus of Russian misery, basically.

But it’s not just tanks they’re taking down, oh no. Ukraine successfully shot down a transport plane 20km from Kyiv. That is, I shit you not, the single biggest hit to the Russian military since the Second Chechen War. Volunteers from Lithuania, Poland, Latvia, Estonia, Azerbaijan and Israel are all entering Ukraine to help fight and bolster the anti-Russian forces, which is probably illustrative of how Eurovision voting is going to run for the next decade. Most countries have banned Russian planes from their air space. To help stop the Russian advance, Ukraine has made and installed new road signs, like this one:

I can only say a handful of sentences in Ukrainian, Tumblrs, but as I understand it, from top to bottom, it says:

“Fuck off”

“Fuck off again”

“Fuck off Russia”

Meanwhile, it turns out the Russian military might we feared is… possibly not quite as advertised?

They’re underfunded and badly trained. Ukraine captured 200 soldiers in one go, and most of them were confused 19 year olds with no training. The equipment is shite. The tanks keep running out of fuel. Russian soldiers keep abandoning their tanks and handing them over to the Ukrainian army. Putin’s plan was to take Kyiv fast and move on, and he didn’t have a plan B - hence these kids, playing soldier. Here is an image of a Russian tank receiving roadside assistance from Russia’s finest, an old Lada.  

No one expected Zelenskyy to survive the night; but he did. America offered him asylum in the White House.

But he said no. 

Zelenskyy remains in Kyiv, with his people.

And Putin, in his desperation to be adored, has turned Zelenskyy into a global icon and hero.

Here is something you may not know about Volodymyr Zelenskyy - he used to be a standup comedian. Was he any good? No idea - but what he IS good at is producing funny short videos he can put on Twitter and that, which are absolutely fantastic for Ukrainian morale. And morale is vital in an invasion like this, and Ukraine are smashing it out of the park there.

They are utilising the internet to its fullest extent. In addition to Zelenskyy’s videos, they’ve made sure that the final words of the Ukrainian defenders of Snake Island are known and now echoed around the world: “Russian warship, go fuck yourselves.” A video has gone viral of Ukrainians mocking a group of Russian soldiers whose tank had broken down and who didn’t know the way to Kyiv anyway, presumably because of all the new road signs. They have created a website that lists every single Russian death they can identify, partly so Russian mothers can have closure (thus also painting themselves as the defenders of decency and humanity), and partly for the enormous morale boost of the world knowing, categorically, that they’ve already killed 3700 Russian soldiers (over 100 of which were from that transport plane.)  Not one word has leaked of Ukrainian casualties. I’m sure they’re devastating, but for morale purposes, they’re being kept quiet until the dust settles. Ukrainians have started setting up fake Tindr profiles to catfish Russian soldiers for intel, and they’re all 19 and lost, so it’s working. Plus, they’re using Grindr to actually track where the soldiers are, because it turns out Putin was not entirely correct about there being no gays in Russia.

So, Russia wants to cut their internet access. Can the Ukrainian Minister for Digital Transformation, Mykhailo Fedorov, shame a billionaire into providing aid?

This is crucial, remember. Atrocities happen best in the dark, and the world is watching - because of the internet. Morale is vital to maintain. Can they convince Elon Musk to help?

Yep.

Ukraine now has the fastest internet service in the world. The fastest, most stable internet service in human history, in fact. Russia cannot now disable it. The world watches.

Which is just as well, because then Anonymous decided to get involved, and have leaked the website database of the Russian Ministry of Defence. Lol. Also this happens:

And then the Russian propaganda channels started broadcasting the truth of what is happening in Ukraine. Double lol.

So what is the political response?

Well, in addition to closing airspace to Russian planes, loads of countries are sending weapons to Ukraine. Those that can’t are offering asylum. They’re also offering asylum to any Russian soldiers who surrender or defect, which is startlingly good tactics, and there are rumours of around 5000 Russian soldiers who have done just that. Germany, of course, has long had a block on lethal weapons transfer; but Germany recognise this shit for what it is. They’ve lifted the block, thus allowing the Netherlands to send weapons. Efforts are now underway to fast-track Ukraine into the EU. I presume they will consider the lack of pint glasses with crowns on to be a worthwhile price to pay.

So what about Russia’s supporters?

Belarusian leader Alexander Lukashenka helped Russia with this invasion. Now, this has happened:

Sviatlana Tsikhanouskaya was actually elected president, but some wild nonsense kept her out of power. She’s now running a government in exile. I have literally no idea what this means or will mean! But my god. She has a spine of steel, and this is not a good time to be happening for Putin. 

And it’s really, really not, because then intel on a meeting of Putin and assembled Oligarchs LEAKS (hello Anonymous, probably). The highlights:

This war is costing Russia $15bn a day

He expected it to take ONE TO FOUR DAYS TO WIN

It’s been two days and he is losing very badly, currently

They will run out of rockets by day 4, maybe sooner

After that they will be down to rifles and ammo

It will take 3-4 months to make more significant weapons, except they need raw materials, and the countries that can provide them… have cut supply lines

If the war lasts 10 days, Russia will have completely run out of money and weapons

It’s only day 2, and Russian soldiers are knocking the doors of random Ukrainian homes begging for food and water because they’ve already run out

So, out of desperation, Putin turns to his greatest, closest and most trusted ally for help: Kazakhstan. 

And Kazakhstan

SAYS NO

And then Ukraine shoots down a second Russian plane.

Anyway, I’m going to finish off with a final point. Morale is vital in this situation, so here is the message from the Ukrainian government at the minute, to everyone watching around the world:

Be VERY SUSPICIOUS of any negative news about Ukraine. Russia uses misinformation and propaganda. They will want to damage Ukrainian morale.

Use your social media to spread news of Ukrainian victories. 

Don’t give oxygen to negative stories. Especially since they might not be true.

That’s genuinely something we can do to help. Every victory of Ukraine, blast it far and wide. So on that note, I’ll leave you with this:

Congrats to Natalia Antonova’s cousin’s son.

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here’s a short itto and y/n interaction because yes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N: ouch my lips are chapped

Itto: *sweats*

Y/N: do you have chapstick

Itto: no bUT I HAVE DEEZ NUTS ON UR CHIN!!

Y/N: itto

Itto: OKAY OKAY *steals chapstick from stanger* how bout I put this on and kiss u

Y/N:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[lil-riddle-kiddle]

Pie, or Die

A/N:

Characters: Tomura Shigaraki, Kurogiri, a random dude

Warnings: None really, maybe a mention of Shigaraki not eating enough

Kurogiri is worried about Shigaraki, as the young man hadn’t been eating enough. He proposes the idea of putting up one of their burner phone numbers around the city, asking interested people if they’d like a major villain to come try their cooked/baked food personally.

At first, Shigaraki declines, saying they could easily be baited and caught by a hero or the police after following a call. But of course, Kurogiri has taken precautions as the mastermind (more like mother…) of the two. So he practically drags the crusty thing out of his hideout and looks for some homemade delights.

First they find a guy with some kind of plant quirk. How do they know this? The minute they portal into the guy’s apartment, their noses are overtaken by an intense herbal smell- which they realize is coming from the potted plants all around the place, and… the guy’s hair looked like a strange plant. Maybe he was just a weird dude, who knows. He had prepared a carrot cake that looked better than any cake the two villains had ever seen! Yet a small grumble of annoyance leaves Shigaraki’s mouth. At the sound of this, Kurogiri politely takes a slice from the plant man and passes it to his friend.

“Eat it, Tomura. It’s good.”

“You can’t say it’s good if you haven’t even tried it yourself!”

“Look at the poor guy. He knows we could kill him if we wanted to, but he still chose to call us over so you could try his cake.”

“Cake shmake…!! MMPF-”

As Kurogiri shoves the plate into Shigaraki’s face, the man seems to be frozen in fear. Probably because he is, in fact, directly ahead of two men who could easily take his life.

“I apologize for his behavior, young plant. He loves your creation. Keep it up.”

After trying four more dishes, all of which passed Kurogiri’s test of getting shoved into Shigaraki’s mouth, they arrived back at the hideout.

“I took down the numbers we put up earlier-”

“...you mean the numbers you put up.”

“Yes. I hope you learned your lesson. I will be making breakfast for the league tomorrow morning. I better not hear your stomach growl.”

“Hnnng… fine. But first I’m going to kill some p-”

The phone rings.

Kurogiri picks it up before it’s disintegrated.

“Ohmygoshohmygosh!! THEY PICKED UP!!! Ahem. Sorry about that!! May I speak to… Tomura Shiga… Shigaraki??”

“He’s not here right now.”

“Oh… well, would you tell Shigaraki that we want him to host a new cooking show? We’ll call it ‘Pie or Die’!! Unless he can think of something else…”

“...”

“Hello? Sir are you still there?”

He hangs up.

“Tomura, we’re going to the studio tomorrow.”

[lil-riddle-kiddle]

2020 christmas mood

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Mom’s Cookies

Jason: Alfred who’s cookies are these

Alfred: Your mother’s, sir.

Jason: Can I take them

Alfred: Maybe you should ask her yourself.

Jason: Hmm... nah, too much work.

*a while later*

Jason: Mom I ate your cookies

You: jason

Jason: yes

You: those were my cookies

Jason: ...which means they were ours

You: no, mine

Jason: u h h *starts running*

You: JASON YOU COME BACK HERE NOW

[lil-riddle-kiddle]

How To Make Dean Winchester Do Your Homework

You got a lot of work to do but don't want to do it? I have a solution for you. Call Dean Winchester. How exactly? Well.

1.) Grab a device and start playing Heat Of The Moment. This way he'll die and go to hell, which is your room because there's unfinished homework laying around.

2.) Tell him that you'll only let him go if he does your homework for you. If this step doesn't work, bribe him with pie. He'll be all heart-eyes.

3.) Reassure him that baby is fine, and that the sooner he gets your work done, the sooner he gets to see baby.

4.) Your work's probably done by now, so open the door and let the Dean run free.

5.) Actually, if you think any of this has any chance of working, you probably have a mountain of homework you've been putting off. I know you have other things you'd rather do, but please. For the love of Dean. Do your homework. Procrastinating will only do so much. Go. Do it. Dean's counting on you.