lilaclavenderthoughts

[lilaclavenderthoughts]

A Box

"What's that?"

"A box."

"What's inside it?"

"I don't know."

"Why haven't you opened it?"

"I don't want to."

"Why?"

"I don't know what's in it."

"You won't know if you don't open it."

"And if I do I'll know what's in it."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"I don't know."

"Will you still keep it?"

"Probably. "

"Why?"

"I don't know where else it could go."

"Why not just sell the damn thing?"

"Cause then someone else might open it."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"I don't know."

"Why not destroy it?"

"I don't know what will happen if I do that, could be the same as opening it."

"Then what will you do with it."

"Keep it, dust it if I must, but i probably won't open it."

"How long will you keep it for?"

"For as long as i must."

"...How longs that?"

"... I don't know."

I wrote this one a few years ago aswell and honestly i still really like it.

I think it captures the feeling of anxiety really well, the fear of the unknown and choice paralysis is something i still really struggle with now. The judgement you get from others for being seemingly irrational is also pretty well protrayed. The sense of "when will i get rid of this issue" is still relatable to the fear of never getting better.

My only issue with it is that its unintentionally quite funny, it feels like dragon age party banter honestly. But i think that can also be an advantage, anxiety is irrational and its important to recognise that- or else youll never get rid of the damn box.

Written: 13/11/2020

[lilaclavenderthoughts]

Silent Tears (Stupid Tears)

I love you so much it hurts.

I cry about you, you know, Sad selfish tears that only make me feel worse. I feel like im losing you even though your at my side every day with sweet words, honest words that make me feel deserved.

And yet im selfish, cause i belived no one in my corner, that i was so incredibly unlovable that sometimes it feels like your the only one who truly understands me. And yet i cry over something so trivial and petty, something that makes you happy.

Im afraid that im losing you not beacuse of you but because ive spent so much time finding someone like me and i found you and it turns out your not like me in alot of ways - so that i know i can have forever with you.

I love you so much and i dont think ill ever stop and ill never tell you to your face but i just wish sometimes our story can freeze frame where it is so disappointment never comes.

And its not your fault, its never your fault, i just wish i had more people like you so i didn't feel so alone without you.

Im going to be fully honest, this is kinda embarrassing, Not for me but definitly past me.

For context i wrote this a couple years ago in the middle of a mental breakdown where i was in floods of tears. Which is why this reads like a sterotypical crazy persons ramblings you'd find in skyrim or something.

The reason for this breakdown? My close friend had came out as transgender to me.

Was this a surprise? No, we had spoken about gender exploration for well over a year at that point.

Was i transphobic? No, i had been out as trans myself for well over a year at that point.

So, why the breakdown.

A couple of reasons i can think of right now, the first being that i was incredibly unstable due to other reasons at the time and i have a tendancy of making mountains out of molehills when im like that.

Second of all, at that point we had both been identifying as sapphic, he was the only other person i knew personally in my life who also had that label. I wasnt necessarily cutoff from ny local queer community, but i was isolated in general, so any friendship that i made i was under the impression that it could collapse at any moment.

When he told me he was trans, i thought that would destroy our connection and that it was a slow downhill collapse from there.

Now obviously, that was fucking stupid of me to think, and reading this now i think i knew it back then to. This was written as a way to express emotions that i knew were irrational and that would be destructive if i expressed them openly. It was a vent.

I dont usually call my works "vents", nothing against the term i just dont think it describes my approch to writing. But this was definitly a "i need these emotions out NOW" sort of deal.

I think knowing we have irrational thoughts is the first step to learning how to properly deal with them. Not every thought or feeling is valid and its important to acknowledge that.

However, i do think this helped me at the time to process and move on. Irrational or not i was still feeling those things and needed to process to move on.

Overall i dont really care for the writing itself now. It wasnt really written to be read, just to be written which is fine.

Written: 26/04/2021

[lilaclavenderthoughts]

Faces

When my old peers faces started to disintegrate into splodges of colour, like an abstract painting from memory, i thought nothing of it.

When my families faces began to melt to join the carpet on the floor, i blinked once and continued with my day.

I was least surpised when i saw the mirror begin to do the same.

So this was written about 3 years ago, while i was still in Sixth-form (for non uk readers thats last 2 years of highschool). I cant remember why i wrote this at the time but looking back on it, very much describes my experience with derealization.

Ive only recently realized i have this issue but its effected me my whole life. A lot of it is connected to my BPD honestly, i struggled alot with fitting in at school and mixed with messy family issues it made the perfect enviroment for me to just dissociate with my enviroment.

It evolved to the point where even seeing my reflection just makes me feel wrong, like waking up from a dream. I can be hanging out with my best friends and found family and then *boom!* i suddenly feel like nothing is real.

I think the poem really captures what it feels like to suffer with an issue for so long that you dont even recognise it as an issue. Its kind of a snapshot of me post-lockdown when i was able to just sit down and reflect for long periods of time. Sometimes your more mentally ill than you thought (like a fucked up level up).

As for the writing its self- eh.

Its alright all things considered, I think it works well as a short horror story, but its just a bit to clunky for my liking now.

Still, i think it works fine as a representation of my experiences with derealization.

Written: 6/12/2020

[lilaclavenderthoughts]

Lie With Me

Lie with me,

Over these fallen leaves,

Vaguely, i remember a time before i knew you,

Everyday waiting for someone like you,

Memories clouded my mind, obscuring the sun,

Even so won't you come lie with me?

This is an Acrostic Poem (meaning the first letter of each line spells out a word or phrase) i thought it was an intresting way to express the meaning of a poem subtlety, sort of whispering the quiet part out loud.

As for personal reasoning, ive been having a lot of relationship issues recently with a close friend. Were trying to work it out but our personalities have a tendancy to work against eachother. I have a lot of relationship trauma aswell as BPD so its been a struggle. I have to keep reminding myself that just because maintaining a relationship is hard doesnt mean its over.

Still, its hard to not want everything to be keft unsaid and to just bask in the relationship (even if somw conversations really need to be had), i wrote this to express that feeling.

All in all its short and sweet, quite proud of it honestly.

Written: 15/01/2024