littlementalkittie-blog

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injury

I don’t think me being a person who has suffered from self harm defines me at least not anymore the triggers of something that has been part of my past still stay with me but I don’t think that having a past is something that defines your present and future self aslong as you are willing to make changes for the better then why shouldn't what you have learnt hinder you in my recent years i do believe that in the past couple of years i have become stronger and more confident person i just wish the side of me that was in the past could just disappear i mean today i dont self harm I've been self harm free for 4 years ish now but that doesn't mean i am not still in the cycle or am completely cured i could still sit there and harm daily but i cant there is so much that i want to do but i cant my career path is full of perception and even though the industry is changing I'm not going to get anywhere wearing glasses being a bigger person or with self harm marks i could well and truly make my body an image of scars and cracked knuckles but i am done i am well and truly done i wish i could find a release but all the ways i can think of are harmful and i dont want to but I'm scared I'm scared of breaking i feel so close to breaking that i dont think i have much time before i do something that could well and truly be harmful detrimental even i know no one reads these but in some ways i dont mind its my own little diary with all the little things that run my life and make me feel well and truly vulnerable

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loneliness

I think its a common feeling to feel lonely like your completely out of the mix i wanted to add the convosation of loneliness within university and after graduating i mean i graduate life is still very new to me after only finishing on April 21st but since finishing and solidifying who i want to keep in contact with after university i feel so lonely and incomplete I have no one to talk to no about my mental health and where its going no one to talk to about general things just people i enjoy spending time with and having a laugh. In some ways i question weather that is true friendship when you don't know if you can truly tell all the secrets that you deeply fear I can feel myself break again similar to how i did in year 9 i feel lost out of control the urges of self harm and food restriction are coming into play but I'm a bigger girl so its not really a big thing restriction in a bigger person according to doctors i don't see the point anymore i dont have anything to contribute to people or life anymore i give up I'm not saying I'm going to end my life far from it but i cant promise my arms wont have any scars in the future.

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finishing university

So in the last months of university and my mental health goes down hill badly and just when you think it couldn't get any worse it just happens that every fucker you trust disappears not so much literally but the support that was once there i mean gone completely i can't even make it apparent how serious this i mean i can't even tell people the full extent because its easier to not and not have people worry about me and make the wrong judgements  basically I’m just in a really wierd place rn kinda wannna cry kinda wanna get on with it I just don’t know where I am mentally physically or even in space rn I’m so disoriented its actually like I'm going crazy. I need someone in this god forsaken city to talk to but i can't i have no one and I'm scared I'm scared for my self if someone doesn't listen soon

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Performing and Disability

As a performer my disability is no longer to much a part of me in the world of free imagination and play. the world of autism gets hidden i am 20 years old and  i never thought that i could be where i am now not a day goes by where i don't struggle with emotions or understanding or just general communication with people after 20 years of life who would think i still can't spark a convosation. Though as a performer you are free from that you can express the word you cannot say to people i mean if anyone in university saw this i mean i wouldn't want them to know not that I'm ashamed of my autism but that i don't think it hinders me in anyway shape or form and i wouldn't want people to treat me any differently. Within this magical world where in one scene your a school girl fighting for the school to stay open the next your a sailor driving into the world of the unknown. The endless possibilities never stop i don't think i would have come this far without my struggles in the past but the one thing that has kept me going is performance and i will never give up on that the dream that can never be taken away from me  

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January reflection

January has been a fairly good one this year

It started walking home at 3:30 am in the morning with my uncle and my mums cousin and ended with some vey deep emotional chats about how i should be myself 

Things I have achieved in January 2018

1. Having a better outlook on life  (its not perfect but is getting there)

2. Cutting more of the people who don't matter to me in my life or make me think badly

3. Eating healthier making more informed choices about what I'm eating and when

4. Attending the gym on a more regular basis 

5. Less pressure to be perfect still pressure there mental but less of it at least i think 

Here to a great Febuary taking it a month a day or a minute at time whatever take my fancy 

Speak soon 

Little Mental Kittie 

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Onwards and Upwards

This next year will be one to remember I'm hoping at least

List of things i want to achieve in 2018

1. Graduate and not care about what I actually achieve along as I achieve.

2. Get slightly more comfortable with my body and attend the gym when I feel like it and feel comfortable.

3. Get my mental health on track 

4. Do more things for me 

5. Make informed decisions about where i want to be by September 

these aren't resolutions as such more about how i want to continue doing things and improving myself as a person throughout the year. I'm not going to abide by these in all my days i just want to make sure that everything i do is informed whilst still taking things day by day minute by minute and making sure I'm at the top of my list in 2018 

Happy New Year 

Little Mental Kittie x

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The Good The Bad and The Ugly of 2017

This year has been a long one the inevitable rise and fall in all aspects of life which happens to everyone is has undoubtedly taken its tole throughout the end of my second year and beginning of the 3rd year have been the most crazy times of my life. I don't often talk about the bad times in my life i just seem to break in the weirdest crazy and most strange fashions and it is the craziest unimaginable sensation in the world that i have no doubt that other people feel you just have to feel it yourself to understand. In January 2017 i didn't make any specific new years goals though i did make a pact to take better care of my mental and physical health these plans didn't start till around march in the end when i decided i needed more than just friends support and counselling services. At this point i received some support from my doctor receiving tablets for my depression and anxiety. some grades i received where unbelievable i was so proud with everything i had gotten through to even receive the marks some that i have received the first term of my 3rd year of university have been not so great but to be honest just getting through this term with how bad my mental health has been I'm amazingly proud of. Through all the troubles of my mental health and through still trying my best i have not really had any ugly moments but I'm supper proud of where i have got to in the past few years both with academics and with my mental health i mean I'm getting there slowly and surely if i had any advice for anyone who also struggles like me and a couple of my friends i would have to say taking it day by day and not doing anything you don't want to do making informed choices of where to go who with and making sure its all about you and if you feel comfortable having a convocation about your mental health with someone you trust (tbh i haven't done this yet). lets make this new year a good one 

Hope you had a very Merry Christmas and a do have Happy New Year

Little Mental Kittie

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Anxiety for me

Anxiety for me is:

Being scared to do eat incase I eat the wrong thing

Being scared to ask for something plain

Eating in front of people 

Being scared to speak incase someone laughs 

Scared to let people down 

Working your hardest an it still isn't good enough 

Fear of constant judgement 

Planning every journey in order to not look like an idiot 

Scared of asking questions incase its stupid 

If I'm not perfect then the things around me wont be 

Fearful of not being accepted 

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couldn't explain my feelings any better 

this is awful ): I’m sorry for anyone who feels the same

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Getting back to blogging

So as you can see its been a while since i started blogging and i haven't really blogged but I've got back to seeing that this might be a good way for me to really have a good rant so to speak to the internet and to the know would without people knowing who i am. The most common thing i will probably talk about is mental health and different problems and stigmas surrounding them as this is something that bugs me an i know it probably bugs others around too so I'm going to sit and write a really long blog even though it now 10 past 10 at night

Littlementalkittie out 

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6 Things to Tell Yourself Today

1. I matter. 2. I’ll get through this. 3. I am a beautiful. 4. I deserve to be loved. 5. I can find peace, happiness and contentment. 6. I have the power and the will to survive.