littleraysofsunshine-blog
littleraysofsunshine-blog
Sunshine's Blog
2 posts
My Name is littlerayofsunshine and this is my blog, I'm not the happiest but this is so I can make peace with myself.
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littleraysofsunshine-blog · 6 years ago
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4/19/2019 You Are My SUNSHINE :):
It’s been a few days since I last posted but I and still alive and well. I’m still battling depression and still smiling through the rainy days. Today I would like to tell you about my sunshine. I have been with someone who never fails to make me smile, and maybe sometimes I don’t appreciate it enough, at least I feel that way. He tells me I’m beautiful, he tells me that I’m so sweet and how happy he is to be with me, and me, I just simply reply with the same phrase every time: “You really still love me after all this time?” Now I know it sounds rude to question it every time but I didn’t always have luck with love. My first relationship, and just so happens to be my only other relationship, was with my high school sweet heart, we’ll call him Braxtyn because the lord knows I don’t want that asshole to have a fifteen minutes of fame. We were together for almost all four years of high school but he broke things off a quarter of the way through senior year. When we met freshman year I thought things would never go wrong, he was my best friend but he soon became my worst enemy when we started dating. The first time we broke up was sophomore year, he was a teenage boy and I must have expected him to stay forever but it never works out that way, well most of the time and I want each of you to know that if it’s meant to be it will be, but if it keeps coming and going more than once, maybe it’s time to leave them behind and that honestly goes for any toxic person in your life. Anyways, Braxtyn was a very toxic boyfriend and blamed all of his failures and mistakes on me. He would tell me I’m no fun and that I was “soooo boring” all the time and this went on for years! I felt like I was stuck in a thick fog of unhappiness, I was in love with someone who put me down everyday, how was it even possible that I was in love with him still? He would tell me that I was too skinny, he said it was gross and that maybe if I was thicker he’d actually have a sex drive or even the urge to look at me. This came from someone who once told me I was beautiful, someone who used to love me and used to be happy with me.  Braxtyn had changed so much, he turned to drugs and said I was the reason, I started self mutilating more often because it was what appeared to work, my parents were nosy about my business but when I would reach out they would only yell or try to argue and say “oh he’s just a teenage boy, what did you expect?” I expected to be treated better, I expected to be treated like a fucking human. I pleaded that I would change, that I would stop being depressed, I told him in confidence that another boy had cornered me when I was at a teenage karaoke night and the first fucking thing he asked was “what were you wearing?” then he went and told the a few people at school and I got death threats because that teenage boy who shoved me in a corner and felt me up was a good boy and he would never, NEVER do that to anyone. I wore jeans, sneakers, and a t-shirt that covered my cleavage and it doesn't matter if it was something considered more “provocative”, it is never a fucking invite, okay? I know I am just rambling but I feel so terrible, I’m tired of feeling like I destroy my current relationship because one person messed me up so bad, and other events helped to ruin things. But the real catch is that I have a choice, now that I am self-aware of why I am hurting so bad deep down inside I can now choose to either continue to complain or to get better and explain to my new significant other and we can get through it together. That’s the funny thing about choices, they're everywhere in life. 
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littleraysofsunshine-blog · 6 years ago
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4/15/2019 Project Little Ray of Sunshine:):
My name is littleraysofsunshine but many of my posts might not be so warm and happy. As a child I believed this world was warm and happy but as I continue to age into more of an adult I realize that my generation is attention hungry, we all want to be famous and we will do whatever it takes for our fifteen minutes of fame. I am a nineteen year old college student and as I sit at this table in one of the labs at my college I can’t help but think I am now one of those people who craves the attention too and maybe I should stop going to school because maybe I’m not interested. I crave the attention, yet I refuse to make a Music.ly or Tiktok, at least that’s what I think those god forsaken apps are called. I have anxiety and I always secretly have, but ever since I was a child I have wanted to become a famous writer or even become a music artist but one of those two professions are out of the question for me. Don’t quote me if I’m wrong, but when I was fifteen I had half of my thyroid removed due to a benign tumor growth on the right side I believe it was. Personally I have struggled to sing for long periods of time without my voice being strained every since. I’m a magnificent singer if you ask me but I could sound like a dying bird if you were to ask my cats, maybe that’s why they love when I sing. Fun fact about me, I also tell a lot of side stories so lets get back on track shall we? This isn’t my first Tumblr account but I haven’t had one since I was a self-harming fourteen year old girl who felt like this was the only social media I had to be truly free. I would write my feelings out and this time I will do the same but I have a better outlook on life but I’m starting to struggle once again. You can choose to follow me or you can just tumble on by because this is me doing something for myself and hey maybe this blog will get famous.
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