mantouofdestiny-blog

[mantouofdestiny-blog]

Mantou Man Day 3

As I run down the streets with a cage of my precious hamsters and two mantou taped over my eyes, I begin to realize I made a very flawed calculation: mantou are not see through. As I run into the 5th air parked car I realize that I could not continue to run from the cops with two large pieces of food over my eyes, so I did what normal people would do under these circumstances: I learned echolocation. 

I spin around in a circle in the middle of Canal Street and scream “GUI LING GAO” at the top of my lungs and I listen as the sound waves bounce off the hundreds of middle aged aunties storming to buy the Chinese product I was advertising at the top of my lungs. I quickly calculate how fast the average Chinese auntie would storm towards a man advertising herbal medicine and I quickly discern that the cops are the 3 idiots on the street corner not moving.

I run in the opposite direction with my hamsters in tow and hide in the only place where no sane human would go: the subway tunnels. I would meet up with my hamster-rat friends here and concoct a plan. 

[mantouofdestiny-blog]

On the third Tuesday of every Monday, a mysterious frog appears on my head. Normally it just tapes itself down and pretends to be a hat, but today it showed up in a suit and informed me that the trees were attacking and that it was there to lead me into battle. I felt such honor at being requested to defend my homeland by such a majestic creature, with his wet slimy green skin, his dead dead eyeballs that stare straight into my soul, and his small but oddly fashionable top hat and monocle. It was at this moment that I fell in love, and I knew that I had to destroy the trees to protect this most lovely specimen of mucus and frogginess. I picked up my cage of tree eating hamsters and walked off into the horizon. 

[mantouofdestiny-blog]

You see me only because you believe. Those that are not believers will only be able to see me on Thursdays, because that's my day off from work and my invisibility cloak doesn't work because Harry Potter doesn't work on Thursdays,  but sometimes on Thursdays when we really need some magic and Harry Potter won't get out of bed, we go find Daniel Radcliffe, tie him up and burn him at the stake for wizard powers

[mantouofdestiny-blog]

You try because it's the only thing keeping your life from devolving into that of the magical mystical super sugoi batman, where your cats are dead and your life is spent trying to avenge with with nothing but a random assortment of peanut butter jars, a rubber band, and exactly 4 Korean children.

[mantouofdestiny-blog]

Mantou Man Day 2

I run down into the basement and grab my collection of hamsters. I run at the nearest wall and pull a secret switch on my left. My face collides with the brick wall as I remember I haven’t had the secret room installed yet. I knew I shouldn’t have put off that Windows update. The banging on the door upstairs grew louder and louder as the police start breaking in. It would only be a matter of minutes before they would find me. My roommate walks down the stairs and asks 

“Dude, what’s happening, there are a bunch of cops at the door?”.

With no time to answer, I grab him and use him as a battering ram. I slam his head into the wall faster than a fat man through a McDonald’s Drive Thru. I run through the roommate sized hole with my cage of sexually ambiguous hamsters. I needed a disguise quickly. Thinking quickly, I ran to the nearest Hong Kong Supermarket, steal two mantou, and tape them over my eyes. I am become Mantou Man. 

[mantouofdestiny-blog]

Adventures of Mantou-Man

It was back in my home country of lower west northern Canada. I was in my basement illegally trying to mate hamsters with the only other vermin that I know of, people that watch Naruto. I heard a loud banging on my door, and I went outside to discover a slightly obese polar bear, I mean man, in a police costume. He opened his mouth and sad  “Sir, I have been receiving reports that you have been attacking random Japanese people on the street and screaming ‘Naruto loving scum’. I’m going to need you to come with me.” This was it. My father’s third cousin’s fourth uncle’s fifth cat’s third cousin four times removed’s ninth cactus’s fourth grandmother from his son’s side warned me about these “policemen”. They were here to steal my work on the advancement of human-hamster technology. I slammed the door and ran down to my lab. My escape begins now.