mapleleaf1998

[mapleleaf1998]

Been quiet for years. I thought I’m already at peace. Life is fun that you need to try something that gives you thrill. But there are repercussions on every actions that I made and I’m regretting them right now. But still thankful that God loves me because He didn’t let me to get consumed by the system. And now I’m looking forward to get out of this mess and live a quiet and boring life. People around me are also in danger because of the mess that I’ve made. I really hope this shit will end soon because certainly at the rockbottom of my life. God I need peace. Out of this country, out of this toxic environment, out of this shitty government. I want peace for me and for my loved ones. I believe that all my followers aren’t active in Tumblr anymore that’s why I have a strength to share this. Because I want share my darkest story to nobody. I wished I could reset my life to correct everything to everyone. But I always believe that it is never too late for change, for me to accept Jesus as my savior, to live a peaceful life and also to be a blessing to others as well. I still won’t give up on my dreams. And all I can say is thank you Lord for saving me. I hope this will end....

[mapleleaf1998]

Good old days.

It feels good when you are sober. Because you are finally free in this kind of hell hole that you are experiencing for years. But as days, weeks, months and finally a year of soberness, I started to realize that I can finally live my life without you, I can finally fix my broken pieces of my life without you, and I can finally start my own career without needing you. But on some point, I also feel sad because I realized that on the very start, we are on this together, we started to dream, fight, fail together, and believe that one day our dreams will turn into reality. But in the middle of our journey, there are conflicts that never resolved, pain and suffering that makes me cripple for years, and unending arguments that can resolved easily if both of us will set aside our egos. And until the day that I can finally stand up and live without you. But suddenly I miss the feeling of the drug flowing into my head down to my soul, the pleasure from the drugs that I know it will destroy me, but it feels good anyway. I just miss everything. The feeling of comfort, love, lust, acceptance, and your caring. I started to miss that feeling. That when I’m high, I can do anything that I want without any restrictions, I can even express my feelings to others without thinking about their reactions, and lastly I can feel the warm feeling that I finally feel when she’s hugging me because it makes me feel safe and secured.

But as I think about it again, it always reminds me that letting you go is the best decision that I’ve ever made. Even though it’s very painful, and even right now I still miss the feeling, but letting you go makes me the person that I always wanted to be. And I can finally live my life without depending on you.

[mapleleaf1998]

“I know the plans I have for you,” announces the Lord. “I want you to enjoy success. I do not plan to harm you. I will give you hope for the years to come. Jeremiah 29:11

[mapleleaf1998]

A prayer for my dear grampa

Dear God, thank you for everything, for the gift of life, for the love and forgiveness that you gave to me and continue giving me. Father please forgive me for I cannot fight my own demons. It’s so hard to live a righteous life and to be devoted with your word. I really want to live a peaceful life. Because everytime I search for You, I found peace. Please help me to become the better version of myself. I really can’t do this anymore. To be a better man, to be a better son, and even to be a better friend. I’m praying for my grampa’s health. I know liver cancer is very deadly. That only miracle can save him. And on some point I feel pain and regrets because I think I didn’t give my whole heart to this person because I just have a fear of loss. A fear that if I got attached to a certain person then suddenly leaves because of some reason that it is very hard to understand. It destroys me. It destroys my whole self. The pain of loss is more painful than the pain of failures, physical pain, mental pain, and emotional pain. That’s why I’m asking for Your forgiveness if I never become a good grandson to my grampa. Sorry gramps if I show less emotion and affection to you because of this fear and I really hate this fear. But somehow I’m happy because on some point I shared my life to you. You got to know me, and I got to know you. Watching movies together, telling stories about your childhood and many more. That’s why on some point I’m happy because God made me feel on having a grandfather. Maybe you’ll never witness my success anymore, my future girlfriend/wife lol and my future career. But I know one thing. That you never wished anything but your grandchildren’s success and happiness. Thank you for everything lolo. I still pray for your fast recovery even though it’s too impossible for you to survive. I love you so much lolo. I promise to be a better man Lord. Just please help me to be consistent in everything and to be a goal driven person. And lastly help me to give love to the people who deserves my love. And thank you again Father. In His most powerful name, Amen.

[mapleleaf1998]

[mapleleaf1998]

What A Beautiful Name - Hillsong Worship

[mapleleaf1998]

[mapleleaf1998]

You can love someone so much. But if they don’t want to be saved, nothing will save them. Not even love.

Kristie Betts (via wnq-writers)

[mapleleaf1998]

This is the first time that I’ll be feeling this breakdown. It’s hard to breathe, tears are flowing unconciously, and I feel like I’m dead on the inside. I have a guts to tell this all in my tumblr account because nobody knows that I have one so nobody will see my posts. I feel dead because of the deadlines, I feel that I’m such a terrible person because I love to backbite other people, and lastly I feel that I’m a trash because I feel that nobody loves me, even myself I’m starting to doubt if do I still love myself or not anymore. In short ayoko na!! I’m afraid to cry out for help because people may think I’m an attention seeker or people may think that I’m just a sort of a lunatic person. I want to give up, to quit, to die, and just to feel nothing at all. Combination of all worst things that happened into my life, I want to say one thing, ayoko na! Pagod nako, suko nako naiiyak ako because I believe that God exist and I know that God is on my side but why I can’t feel Him, why is He letting all this worst thing happened into my life. I have no other person to share this that’s why I posted again in Tumblr. I want to give up, I want to turn off my humanity switch and to feel nothing at all. But my other half is encouraging me to fight, to do good deeds, to glorify God, and to serve a blessing to other people. I just want to feel love, to be loved and to have strength in every obstacles that I’m facing right now. Help me, please.

[mapleleaf1998]

:((((

[mapleleaf1998]

I need you God. Please let me out of this hell hole life. I'm so tired and lonely. I need You, and Your love. Please I'm crying for your help.

[mapleleaf1998]

Im so tired to wake up and live a miserable life fighting the demons inside my body

[mapleleaf1998]

Can I just kill myself just to escape everything in this world?

[mapleleaf1998]

:(

[mapleleaf1998]

Happiness, where are you?

Happiness, where are you? My only question to myself day by day. Even though I already know the answer and it is through God, but still I don’t know why I am so sad everyday. As if I’m just trying to survive everyday. Trying to fight, to endure and to survive. I keep on saying to myself that “Derek, just smile and be happy. Everything is gonna be alright.” But I can’t avoid to myself to be sad and lonely. And until I finally know the answer. And it is love, I seek for love, I seek for a person who loves me unconditionally and I know one person who does that, but sadly I lose her because I hurt her. It’s all my fault D, all my fault. My biggest regret to lose my only treasure in my life. Until I said to myself that “God you own my heart and I always believe in your time that someday it’s either she’ll go back into my life or I’ll met someone new who will love me like how she loved me. And I promise not only to myself but to God that if ever He will introduce me someone in my life I’ll definitely love her, respect her and treat her like a queen. I’ll definitely promise to God that if ever I enter again in a relationship, I’ll make sure that I will center Him in our relationship. I just hopefully that someday this burden and regrets that I have right now will finally fade away and real and genuine happiness will reign in my life in this fallen world full of sadness and sorrow.

[mapleleaf1998]

[mapleleaf1998]

Hi tumblr! I’m baaaaackkkk!!!