mazokay

[mazokay]

self sabotage

he was everything i ever needed, right down to the very bone. he was a breath of fresh air and ignited the snuffed out fire i forgot that i had. he was everything i ever needed, craved, dreamt of and desired; he was everything but what i thought i deserved.

[mazokay]

him

he said he’d take me to florida because i’d love florida. i said i’d let him take me anywhere, let him make me love anything, just so long as he was there. he said he’d take me to places i’d never been, places i’d never heard of, with people i didn’t know and stories i had yet to hear. i wanted him to know that wherever he decided to take me would be bliss; just so long as he took me.

[mazokay]

my new boy // maria p.

if i could tell you about this boy that i met

id save the story because im not ready yet

he's perfect and sweet and everything in between,

but he's loving and passionate and overly keen

his heart's as big as yours if not bigger,

he says some weird stuff but he's surely a kidder,

a blonde head under a beanie, yes that's his motif

but he never wears yellow and hates orange leaves

he works at some office, a smile i can see

from a mile away pointed directly at me

i think that he's pretty even when he's a mess,

he's really nothing special but he's also the best

there's times when i think that we're not meant to be

because he's older and bolder and i'm careful me

but lowkey and quiet and keeps to himself

and i'm scared of falling; love's a high shelf

mama said there'd be boys like him

handsome and charming from limb to limb

and daddy said that he'll only break my heart-

i don't know how to tell him that i'm over that part

because it hurt with you and left me badly bruised,

shattered and stolen from, decayed, feeling used

you were once my boy with the golden smile,

how does it look, by the way? it's been a while

but no, no, no, i can't digress

i love my blonde boy, he's better than the rest

better than you, with your pretty green eyes

what's his name again- i've forgotten, how nice

no, i can remember, it starts with a C

funny how yours is the same, oh the irony

i think i'm attracted to the same type of boy,

the ones who don't care, who see me as a toy

but listen, it's different, i swear this is true

-but then again didn't i say that with you?

and look where that left me, sulking and sad,

filling my heart with a love going bad,

maybe it's best if i don't tell you the story,

of the boy that i met because i know i'll be sorry

when it all goes downhill and i've called him my own

just to stumble back from it all, robbed from my throne

it's not right anyway, to move on so quick

maybe i'll fall back, let the puzzle pieces click

overthink how i'm lonely, how this is my life

this is how it's meant to be; i'm just not a wife

i'm sorry, i swear, this isn't a love song

those are lyrical and this is just wrong,

i hope you don't notice the drink in my voice-

i chose to slur today! this is a choice

but for now i think i'll go, leave you to whatever's there,

is this still your number? i don't even care.

[mazokay]

to everyone // maria p.

- It took a lot out of me to do what I did, They called me a coward and a silly little kid.  Didn't take me seriously when I called them crying, Now they try not to look at the rope that I'm tying.

- When I started my letter I didn't know what to say, I couldn't start it sad, wasn't fitting to say 'hey', The middle has an apology, to everyone but Dad, And that I had no other excuse; there was nothing to add. I said sorry to my Mom, even though we didn't get along, And I hoped that she'd forgive me for the times I did her wrong.  My brother's paragraph took a toll on my mind, I just wish he didn't think I had to leave him behind.

- There's a lot of people that I talked about last, A lot of friends and family from now and my past, The sweetest, goofiest boys like David and Matt, And the loveliest Em, Abby, Lily and that, Katrina and India, Emily too I'm so sorry for what I'm about to put you through.  I remember the times at lunch, the hours we spent together, Planning and talking about how we'd be friends forever.  I honestly feel terrible about my decision tonight, Still, it's got to end now; this is mine, my fight I know we share everything like gossip and clothes, But I hope you can forgive me when they announce my overdose.

- Tell Chris I'm sorry that we never worked out, I was silly and stubborn and listened to my doubt, Tell Rory that I liked him, just not enough, To stick around even when times got tough.  Tell P that I regret every single thing we did, Regardless of that, he's an okay kid.  Curtis and Joe, that cheeky lad from Bristol, Even car-guy Jack, who's intentions clear as crystal.  But most of all, Sam, who taught me a lot, That it's okay to love with all that I've got, That it's fine to fall fast, to let myself go, Destroying and rebuilding all that I know. We go back a long way, him and I do, It's scary and risky but I'm loving the view, His heart's made of gold and I know it's cliche, But I adore his existence in every possible way.  I'll miss him a lot, I'll miss what we had, I'm sorry to go, for making you sad, Just know that someday you'll have that family and wife, The one you've always wanted, what we talked about, that life. And I won't be in it, this much is true, But please just know that I'll be watching over you.

- If you're still reading this, wait, I have more to say Like tell Sophie that there was no other way, Tell Elzie that I'm grateful for her kind, kind words, And tell Jen that I'm happy, free as those birds, Remind Millie she's a darling, too precious in her prime, Leave a note for Carli-Jo, a woman ahead of her time, And finally tell Karry that it's going to be okay, That I thought about her non-stop, day after day.  That even though we were too busy meet, She was the one who helped me back on my feet.  That even though life made us both grow apart, She'll always have a special place in my heart, She's my best friend now and she always will be, But when I'm hooked on the ceiling, don't let her look at me.

- And finally, to me, me in my past To the girl who was convinced that her life wouldn't last Socially awkward and weird to the boot, Tried to beat this world but took the wrong route, Ended up slipping down a winding, wet slope Grasping at everything and losing all hope.  There was a time in my life when I thought I could make it, When I planned out my future and how it all fit, How I'd grow up old and married, married to Sam, With Karry as my bridesmaid, proud of who I am.  My friends in the seats and my family watching, Their eyes proud with a gleam at their little girl thriving, But then I look at the world around me and instantly, I know, That it's all so wonderful but it's easier to let go.

- So I'm writing this here, this last piece of my mind, Typed out online is what I'm leaving behind I'm sorry to the strangers who read this and think, That I'm unhinged and lonely, brought to the brink, In reality it's simple, there are many like me, Gone way before they saw the things they could be.