meilawashere

[meilawashere]

A Girl who Cried Wolf

There was a girl I knew from my school. I remember talking to her and presenting myself as trustworthy or reliable, because from the start I knew she wasn't okay.

She was kindhearted and shy. I always wanted to be near her, in reality I wanted to save her, because I cared for her. Though, we can't fix anyone they have to do it themselves.

So, for days I told her that I cared for her, and I told her that I would be there for her. I knew I couldn't save her, but I wanted too so bad.

Days got worse and I didn't know how to solve anything, my mental state gotten worse and I couldn't even help myself. I still can't to this day, I keep looking for someone to help me, but no one can.

Not only did I get worse, but she did as well. I couldn't do anything. I became worried, I overthought, and I tried to end it all because it was too much suffering.

I kept saying things over and over knowing that they would lose meaning but I tried, and it hurt when I didn't succeed.

I told her that I would draw flowers on her scars, and I still would. However, after everything I don't think I have the right too.

I left when she was at her lowest, because not only was I hurting me, but I was hurting her by trying and getting upset when I couldn't do anything.

So, I did leave. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, and I don't think I ever will. I hurt losing her. I cared about her and the best moments we had were amazing, but I got too attached to her.

She had new friends, and each time I felt guilty. I knew that I couldn't be attached to her again, and I gained a fear of becoming attached. I didn't want to hurt her, and I don't want to hurt anyone else.

I would ignore text, interactions, etc. However, when she wanted to vent, I made sure to be there and listen, because that's the least I can really do.

She was always crying for help in a silent manner. You could always tell by one look, but after all the cries no one came. She wasn't even physically asking help and somehow people ignored the signs.

Part of me thinks that people ignored them because they didn't know what to do either. I can't blame them, but I left in the worse way, they only way I knew how. laying it out straight.

I still want her to text me the silliest things, like she did when we were close. I want to have a genuine conversation but after all of this, I can't. I fear I will hurt again, but not only that I don't deserve that.

So, I sit there and watch as everything around her crumbles, but I still can't do anything about it, and I will never be able to draw those flowers.

[meilawashere]

[Warning - Contains ov3rd0sing, SH, Committing su!c!de. If you are uncomfortable with these subjects, please do not interact. I hope everyone stays safe.]

I am not doing good at all, after the last post I overdosed or at least tried to, for a second it really felt like I was going to die. In all honesty it was scary, especially because I was never this successful before. I regrated it after word and I threw it all up.

For some reason, I did it again today, I feel nauseas but it's getting really addicting. Every time I get emotional my first thought is to take pills and try yo end it all, I have prewritten letters for people if I am every sucessful.

I always regret it after I do it because I know my boyfriend, father, and mother care about me and I don't want them to suffer but it's just so hard to keep doing this when the things I am living for are slowly dissolving.

I also just can't tell any of my parents or my lover because if they find out I don't want to be sent to the pavilion and isolate myself, I just have a feeling m mental state will get worse. I also don't want them to think of me differently and think I am untrustworthy.

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It's just getting unbearable.

[meilawashere]

I am a liar.

I am a monster, I lie, and I don't even mean to, and I thought I wasn't lying but I am. I deserve the worst because I have caused people pain and I know everyone will be better if I am gone.

I will lose people and if I stay for any longer, I will make more mistakes and lose the trust of others. I paint gore on my skin in hope I won't hurt myself later tonight, but the thoughts only get worse.

I feel the need to throw up and just give up on everything I worked so hard to change. For all I know I might not even be alive tomorrow, I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the mistakes I have made.

I can't get these thought out of my head and I can't fix it. I just can't anymore, I can't see another day of possibly hurting people and I can't stand it. I'm a monster, I wish I was just better than this.

[meilawashere]

I make mistakes.

I mean of course I do, its human and it's only natural. Though, every time I do something it feels gut wrenching and it makes me want to sob.

I just feel the need to back away. It's worse when I make a mistake when I'm around another person. I am very sensitive, so I tend to cry over many things that I didn't even know I cared about.

Whenever I make a mistake with my favorite person it just makes me feel the need to vomit. I get pale and nauseous and I degrade myself until I'm reassured. This could happen for days or weeks. Where I am in the content mindset of degration.

I wish I wasn't so easy to break, so vulnerable, and so easy to manipulate with my favorite person. I don't spit often so I don't protect myself at all. It's like being a mosquito, so easy to wack.

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My boyfriend doesn't hurt me or manipulate me. He is a really good person; it just scares me how open I can be.

[meilawashere]

For once, I'm doing good. Although, I wouldn't be surprised if my body and brain just crush all the hopes I had for myself.

In the most brutal way possible too. I just really don't want to lose hope and go back to that depressive state. I am actually taking care of myself and as soon as I feel awful, it's all going to stop.

When it stops it's going to be so hard for me to get back up on my feet. I don't want to feel like this all the time, I want to get better, and I am really trying but sometimes it's really hard to have all of this hope but feel nothing change at the end of the day.

I won't lie, it makes me want to give up, and it makes me think if I am really trying hard enough. I know sitting here and thinking about it will just hurt me, so that's why I am writing about it to let my mind rest after a long day.

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I am drinking more water and socializing with people more which is a good start for me.

[meilawashere]

I wish I could be passionate.

I enjoy things, of course I do. I like things like Pokemon or the Ocean. I have haperfixations on jellyfish, so I understand liking something a lot where you would like to have it as merch or so.

However, for some reason passion is one of the biggest struggles for me. That intense desire for something or that enthusiasm is something I can't relate to, anymore.

I wish I could enjoy something and have the same passion as others do. I want to enjoy something as much as someone else does, but in all reality It's just not important.

It's not like I don't get why people engulf themselves, and I really do want to care about things like that. I want to be driven to do something because of my passion. I want to enjoy something so much that it could even be a reason for me to live.

I can't, no matter how hard I try. I just think I would be completely fine if all the things I liked disappeared, expect my boyfriend. He's the only thing that actually makes me feel passion in that sense.

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Maybe if I keep trying, I can get that passion like I once had.

[meilawashere]

Why must it be so hard to make friends?

I know that I'm not the perfect friend to anyone but why is it so hard to keep conversation with people? I have a favorite person and most of the time I engulf him. Though, I still wish I was able to direct my mind to someone else.

I mean I do care about people, and I want to have someone to talk to. Even I thought I was doing good. I have two friends that I would consider close. However, both of them feel like they're not close enough to me.

I know there are times where I'm stupid, and don't understand the problem in front of me, but I just don't get it. I've only talked to these people in my past summer, including my boyfriend.

It always sucks to hear my close friends tell me that we aren't close. It will always hurt, especially because I'm trying to get close with these people. I know I pay attention to my lover a lot, but I just wish I could seem "closer" with people.

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I hope I will be better for others.

[meilawashere]

About This Blog and Me

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Hello!

My name is Meila.

I am a minor who suffers from some mental issues.

I have a very caring boyfriend who helps me.

I post a lot of venting, things that I adore, and creative and/or activities I do

I wish to become better, and this blog will tell you how I am doing in life. I want others to see my journeys of becoming better.

This blog will include sensitive topics such as, SH, su!c!de, and other things that may trigger people. If those topics are not okay with you, please do not interact. Please stay safe.

.   ݁ ˖ ࣪ . ⋆ * . .   ݁ ˖ ࣪ . ⋆ * . .   ݁ ˖ ࣪ . ⋆ * . .   ݁ ˖ ࣪ .

If you want to contact me to vent to me or any other reason. I am open to talk, I hope y'all have a good day.

[meilawashere]

Tumblr is the only place I feel comfortable posting on <3

[meilawashere]

You wanna hear a story that makes me happy?

[Warning - This does contain almost committing su!c!de, trying to ov3rdos3, and topics such as that. If you are not comfortable then I recommend not to interact. Please Stay safe.]

There was a day where I was having an episode, I was alone, and the thoughts really got to me. It's unfortunate that I dug in the medicine cabinet that was located near the floor, trying to find something that can officially end it and not just make me throw up.

As I was looking, I put a side of piles of bottles and such. As I was still searching my cat came up and was rubbing its sides on my legs and hands. I wasn't focused on the cat more so the pills. Then he walked Infront of the cabinet. I sat there as he kept trying to get my attention.

I looked at him, his fur was soft, but I moved him to the side of me. However, instead of leaving as he usually does when I do something like that, he went in front of me again. I didn't want to hurt him. I looked at the pile and assume that it would be enough. Though, I really thought about it, do I really want to do this? This thought caused me to lay on the carpet and look at the ceiling lights.

My cat was still trying his hardest to make me pet him, and I didn't so he layed right next to me. I teared up and my eyes traveled to the pills, I reached for them, my arm feeling weak and my mind feeling unsure. As soon as my arm went up to reach them. My cat quickly got up, as my hand was opening, he took his chance to get pet.

I gave in and started crying as I was petting him. When he was done receiving his physical affection, he kept swaying around me, and I just stared at the walls with tears falling down my face.

Until I heard crunching in front of me. My cat always had a problem with chewing, so I sat up and saw my cat trying to eat the capsules with the pills inside. I immediately grabbed him and moved him and placed the pills back to where they were. Mind you, there were many pills around me; scattered. I didn't touch the pile yet; in case I change my mind.

I picked up ech box and there were many around me, but my cat walked to the other side of me and began to chew on that pile. I panicked, moved him again, and rush to put all the pills back. I made my decision not to do it. I went in the living room and watched tv and he was laying right beside me.

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I know this is silly, but I liked to think that he saved my life. Even if it was all a coincidence. It still makes me happy that he was there for me.

[meilawashere]

A lot of the time. I sit here and think to myself if all the pain I'm going through will be worth it in the end. Is it truly worth just to make one person happy?

I would say yes, I have extreme BPD and this person means dearly to me. However, I can lie that it's not hard. I wish I was somewhat independent, enough to actually get through the day without someone there for me.

I just lay in my bed and degrade myself, not only that but I listen to music that makes me even more emotional. I'm doing this to myself, but I don't know how to stop, or I don't want to stop.

If I really did change, would it be for the better or would I be uncomfortable? Because it feels like I would ache inside my own skin, and go back to how I was before just to be comfortable again.

It's just hard sitting in my bed and cry about all the things I did 'wrong' only to realize I'm overreacting and everything is fine. I don't like overthinking, but I think part of me would rather do that then get better.

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I love this person, and even though I post and vent, I'm trying to get better and try not to lose hope. I want to change and actually be around people more.

[meilawashere]

You Wake Up.

For the rest of your life you let yourself wake up, to see what's to come next. You choose to stay for what reason? Throughout life you made mistakes, and somehow people always choose to forgive you, even after you hurt them. How can people be more empathetic towards you then you are for yourself.

You're Alone.

Eventually everyone will leave, people will say their goodbyes, and give you roses that are painted white but filled with lies. Why should you crave the presence of another when you're the one that pushed them away, in all reality this is your doing.

You Wish.

You want things to be better for you, but you would rather stay in this dark room, stay in pain because it comforts you. You cry tears of acid, it drips on your hands, and it burns but you don't move your hands. The more you wish the more it will hurt because you won't take the challenge to change.

You Lie.

You talk to others, you lie to them, tell them that you are getting better. Or. Did it actually feel like you were getting better. Just to get shot down with a weapon showing you true pain once again. You sit there and think if you're lying to yourself more than others.

You Write.

You write, but for what reason? Is it because you want to help others, want someone to relate to you, to be heard, or is it because you want help. However, the idea of opening up make you uncomfortable, like you have to rip open your skin just to be seen. It feels like you need to physically open yourself up to ask for help.

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Life is hard all the time, but I wish to use the pain to grow into something better.

[meilawashere]

My Angelic Heart Sings a Melody

ㅤ.・。.・゜・.・・゜・。..・。.・゜・.・・

I wish I were an Angel.

One with pure wings, and eyes that traveled towards loved ones

Protecting others or hurt souls as they stand by.

I want my wings to open and cover the corrupt hearts.

To hush an angelic melody in one’s ear, hoping it could change them.

I want to see growth in people’s lives, I want them to discover empathy

As they once did when first saw their mother crying.

I want someone to have the desire to help.

Seeing the Earth break down too many shards,

Seeing love abandoned for small greedy desires.

Lust in people’s eyes that can drive them mad or deprived.

Sexual desire that will only keep growing as it is fed.

I wish to lay my eyes on someone who is willing to weep

In there the lovers’ arms, as they are truly hurting.

I wish to see a son eat dinner with his Parents before they go.

Though, the boy would not feel remorse.

I wish I swear to be a Spirit,

I want to guide people in a direction that shows compassion.

Observe as their peers brighten,

And what gives them that sense of floating, like life suddenly became effortless.

Roses that wrap around them with elegance

And one inhale can send you to dream.

Sleeping without terrors– mind filled with peace.

Finally getting that relief that everyone deserves.

I want to play Violin,

I want to send a message that can touch other souls.

As my delicate and vulnerable wings spread out with hope and joy.

To show others that peace and passion is what I crave.

I want to be a Divine Creature,

Even if my hair is dark, my skin dry, my motivation is gone

Or even the non-existent belief I have for angels

I still have faith that I can be one.

ㅤ.・。.・゜・.・・゜・。..・。.・゜・.・・

NGL, I was Inspired by "Your Lie in April". I recommend it was very beautiful