mnrinam

[mnrinam]

I’ve never seen anyone on tumblr talk about ‘Atychiphobia’, which is weird. In the Netherlands, atychiphobia (or faalangst = fear of failure), is recognized and labeled in kids as young as second/third grade. There are books, teacher’s materials and all that, it’s really something that people talk about and well, maybe not accept but at least notice and understand that it’s a problem.

 I feel like tumblr sorta has this concept as one of the symptoms of anxiety/depression/perfectionism, but not on it’s own and I think that it is useful to have this concept as a problem in itself. I think that ‘faalangst’ is a better and more accurate description of the ‘anxiety/perfectionism’ part of my brain.

Typical symptoms:

- Feelings of aggression, disappointment and sadness, despair and low self-esteem. - Difficulties with disagreement and saying no - Copy behavior (first looking at how other people do the thing before doing the thing) - Negative self talk, oversensitive to criticism - Attributing successes to external factors while attributing failures to internal factors (eg: “yes I did well on this test but the teacher must have had a nice day and didn’t grade as harshly as usual” vs “I failed this test because I didn’t study hard enough, didn’t pay enough attention in class/ect.”) - Extreme precision in exercises - Learned helplessness.

[mnrinam]

My Antidepressant Taper

For the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to wean off my anti-depressant. It has been a long journey. I think pretty much my whole entire medschool life I’ve been on antidepressants. And though the symptoms of my anxiety and depression alleviated to some extent I’m sad to report that I’m stuck with new found insecurities and feelings of inadequecy. I’m not the prettiest girl in the world but I’m a…

[mnrinam]

A very long pause...

A very long pause…

This has been one of the longest gaps I’ve ever taken from my blog and for all the right reasons. Last time I checked in I was probably worried about my result and I’m glad to say I’ve passed, and that too with a not so bad score. That makes me an official final year student. 

There is something about final year, it is supposed to be one of the most hectic and challenging years, yet it is…

[mnrinam]

What 2016 meant to me

What 2016 meant to me

With half an hour till the clock strikes twelve, I wonder what I should write about. I mean technically I didn’t even wonder… It was more of what you call an impulse and well impulsively I decided to write about what 2016 meant to me.

Looking back I didn’t really plan on doing any of the things that I did. Well maybe I did plan some of them but not all of them.

For me last year was a period of…

[mnrinam]

Chaaye Khana Peshawar: A Review

Chaaye Khana Peshawar: A Review

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, I’m pretty sure by now all of you know Peshawar has its very own Chaaye Khana. It is about time Peshawar starts getting in on all the fun.

I’ve never ever been to Chaaye Khana before so I absolutely had to give it a shot. I’d been in a rotten mood yesterday so I decided I was get out of the funk and have breakfast there  asap. As soon as I woke up I brushed…

[mnrinam]

My latest obsession with war movies

My latest obsession with war movies

I’ve been on a break from my Gilmore Girls binge because it got kinda repetitive. with nothing better to watch I decided to switch genres and everything took a 360 degree turn when I found myself obsessing over war movies. Now I’m fascinated with the World Wars in general and how the common man lived during the Wars. I have to admit that the fascination began after I read Anne Frank. If I have to…

[mnrinam]

All Cranked Up...

All Cranked Up…

It’s been a while since I’ve actually been cranky. Honestly I don’t quite know what has gotten into me but I have been quite irritable lately. Everyone seems to get on my nerves and I have to stop myself from screaming everytime. Honestly even writing this down is pissing me off because I like writing blogs on my computer and my computer is a bitch and since I’m too poor to hit it with a hammer…

[mnrinam]

Being the fat chick again

Being the fat chick again

I’ve been holding this one in for quite sometime now. I’ve been desperately trying to come up with the right words for how I feel about it for a long time but I guess today is when I gathered enough anger to actually muster something up.

For the past few months I’d been trying to prioritize, trying not to think about my weight but now I’m free and I have all the time in the world to think about…

[mnrinam]

Post exam slumber and other things...

Post exam slumber and other things…

I’m finally done with my exam. Now that I have time on my hands, I’m finding it hard to put it to good use. I have slept up to 16 hours a day, which is bonkers but I am pretty sure it has a lot to do with the weather. Whatever it is I am about to change it. Starting tomorrow I’m gonna hit the gym to workout. I’d be lying if I said I’m not doing it to lose weight but I guess I won’t be eyeing the…

[mnrinam]

A downer of a day

It wasn’t really a fun day. I didn’t sleep all night and well as soon as I was done with my exam I came back home and slept for 10 hours straight. I feel bad today, not horribly depressed or anything (never thought I’d live to see the day) but somewhat sad and inadequete. I know every average/below average student feels that way but I am feeling it more so than usual (The feeling isn’t new to…

[mnrinam]

Just another day.

The last few days were nice but I guess I have to step into reality. I have my vivas coming up and its about time I start preparing for it. I’d told myself I was gonna start studying right after my last paper but who am I kidding :p

Anyway I am pretty sure a huge chunk of my class felt the exact same way. We’ve been studying since June and at this point pretty much everyone needed a break. The…

[mnrinam]

Its just one of those days...

Its just one of those days…

Its just one of those days when you want to write but you’re feeling uninspired. I’ve been literally looking for all the things I could talk about but frankly I can’t find anything. The last two days I’ve been trying to chill and catch up on my sleep. A part of the coping mechanism this year was to try to study to the best of my ability and not think of the outcome. That meant giving my head less…

[mnrinam]

So Long, Anxiety!!!

Can’t believe it’s been a month since I last blogged, well actually I can. I mean it was exam month. The reason I stopped posting was not because as I  was busy, I stopped posting because even the most random remarks put me into a state of anxiety and I realized it was best that I distance myself from the web. As October approached, I was consumed by the idea that I was gonna fail and my life was…

[mnrinam]

My daily dose of anxiety

So I had a bad study day. My progress is slow and well my anxiety says I’ll fail which I might or might not. 

Also yesterday I started taking notice of some muscle twitches. It does happen when I’m sleeping but yesterday I was a bit more aware I guess. That gave me something to fret over. I started blaming my medicine but I’m trying not to look it up because I don’t want to have to worry about…

[mnrinam]

Journal 

If you haven’t figured it out by now, this blog has kind of turned into a journal. I have been journalling my thoughts to keep track of what I feel, how I feel, when I feel it. 

I talked to my therapist after a long time one of the things she said was that I should rebutt the negative thoughts I have related to failure and compare my current performance to my old performance when I had the same…

[mnrinam]

Instagram recovery program Day 3:

Still feels so weird now scrolling through my instagram feed. It was probably my main source of entertainment. I’m really trying to have a humanly routine. Waking up a 1 pm after like 6 hours of sleep. So that I can sleep early but I always end up sleeping at 7 am.Tough life. Anyway I’ve been up for 2 hours with no energy to study what-so-ever. Feeling Like…

[mnrinam]

Early morning post no. 100 or something

Honestly I don’t know what I am doing. I’m thinking about so many things right now. I miss instagram; I miss looking at pretty pictures and stuff but I had to go atleast for a while till I sort my head out. 

My head is a weird assortment of a number of feelings at the moment. 

Anger and resentment (At myself, the society (patriarchy), the examination system, people being God damn idiots,  media…