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Senua’s Saga: Hellblade II

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✞ 666 ✞

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How does it feel when you feel like a monster since childhood? From childhood to this day, the feeling of some kind of inner animal does not leave me. From childhood I was attracted by dark characters and themes: Medusa Gorgon, witches, vampires, devil, dense forests, spirits. I remember that as a child I was very sorry for Satan because God does not forgive him. It was easy for me to find a common language with animals because they seemed to me understandable and honest, unlike people. I vaguely remember myself from the age of 4. But full awareness began to come at the age of 6. Even then I began to notice something dark in myself. I didn't feel it as evil, but as something natural, bestial. I understood how to manipulate people and was very smart. I often disagreed with the definition of good and evil that I was taught. My parents were Christians. Mother was especially religious and always taught that a person should be humble, kind and sacrificial. This was very contrary to what I saw in nature, society and myself. Already in my early youth, I asked questions like “But in nature there is a lot of cruelty, anger and dishonesty. If God created the world and man in his own image, then God himself contains what we call evil. " I did not accept these contradictions. For me, even then it was meaningless and divorced from reality. My parents had no authority in my eyes. In truth, they never loved me. Often my mother blamed my sisters and me for being the cause of her misery. I don't remember parental hugs and kisses. I don't remember any praise or words of support. All I remember is coldness, anger and accusations. I felt that I was a mistake. The feeling of loneliness and detachment from everything human became my armor. Neither adults nor children were perceived by me as sources of truth. All my conclusions I made on the basis of observations and analysis. Gradually, anger grew in me. I was pissed off by all this hypocritical virtue of society. I understood why you shouldn't decide everything with a fight or why there is often no point in revenge. But I did not understand why it was necessary to imitate kindness, joy, etc. I didn't like smiling in photographs. I could look at them viciously from under my forehead or grin my teeth. With age, I just started taking pictures with an emotionless face. As I said, from childhood I was cunning and manipulative. My mother called me a demon when I was 8 years old. I felt that my parents did not like me. This made my anger uncontrollable. I deliberately told them about their weaknesses and took pleasure in their pain. Most of the time I myself experienced only pain, fear, anger and emptiness. I did not understand why I exist, who needs me and what is the point in everything that happens. During puberty, I was very withdrawn, but a terrible rage boiled inside me. I dreamed of how to hurt someone physically, even how to kill someone. As a result, I took out all this on myself: I cut and burned my skin. When I was a teenager, my parents divorced and my mother died of cancer. I lived with my grandmother. She became the second person in my life from whom I felt love and warmth. I also had one of my younger sisters with whom I had a very warm and strong relationship. It was during that period of my life that I began to feel hope, joy and other positive feelings available to normal people. I guess I was lucky because I did not do any stupid things and eventually adapted to society. I have a college education, job and relationship. But all this did not pass without a trace. I'm a psychopath. Yes, I am this demonized evil character from which they always want to portray a maniac and a psycho. I have borderline personality disorder with severe hysterical and narcissistic features. My therapist said that only my high intelligence and relationship with my sister and grandmother saved me from becoming a full-fledged monster. Because of my high intelligence, I have a high level of self-criticism and can assess my behavior more or less adequately. Having a good relationship with my sister and grandmother developed my empathy and love. But despite all this, I am an extremely evil, cruel and abusive person. I am undergoing therapy to learn how to productively interact with loved ones. But I always think that in ancient times people like me survived better than other people. I have leadership qualities, a strong and disruptive character. The problem is that I don't know how to live comfortably and accept love. I don't know how to enjoy it. I feel like a wild beast trying to live in humans. What is considered a disease in the modern world was once a mechanism for survival in harsh conditions. If you are the same as me then welcome to my blog! art by  Nicholas Rein

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drei Hexen by John Kelly Pevahouse

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Hecate~ the Goddess of Magic & Witchcraft. ♡

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Sivan Karim

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tanya shatseva

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Under the rain, in the fog and cold. I was dying from fear and tired. But it was so beautiful and magical. Nature is scary and peaceful at the same time.

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Sometimes I feel so inhuman like alien. It feel like I'm a forest or cold night air. It feels so good, because I have no worries, no plans, no desires. The only thing I feel at this moment is Life. No boundaries, no needs, no fear, no stupid thoughts, only Life and passion for it. At this moments I understand that the only thig is matters is Life. Nothing else. It doesn`t connected with religion or philosophy. It`s just an animal feeling, feeling of this moment. I wish I could feel this more often. P.S. I don`t do drugs, alcohol  or other things to change my state of mind. This feeling come to me sometimes without any reason. It lives in me for all of my life.

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I recently read a wonderful book The Ritual by Adam Nevill. Wow it`s amazing! This book has so mystical and dark atmosphere. Scandinavian forest with ancient creatures. This book shows' human weakness against nature. It shows' how reckless people can behave in the wilds. Also this book has good psychological line about our life meaning, friendship, happiness. I recommend The Ritual to everyone who love good psychological and mystical horror. Also it has absolutely gorgeous Scandinavian, pagan and ancient motives. Also it has good film adaptation The Ritual  2017 directed by David Bruckner. Also recommend it.

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Goddess

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The Love Witch (2016)

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Let It Come To You, In Transition & Secret Garden by Howard Snyder

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I get angry a lot and it gives me energy. This anger is formless and not directed at anything in particular. This feeling of inner fire is like the breath of life itself. Life is fierce and cruel. And I feel it in myself. This feeling is initially unconscious. Feeling this anger, I do not want to destroy something, hurt someone or shout. I want to dance, move, run and jump with this enthusiasm. But the modern world that surrounds me is so immovable. People are like stones. Our movement resembles the chaotic flight of a moth into a fire. I want to move around the fire. I want to be fire, not burn in it. I feel how this anger does not find a way out, does not flow like a river, but smolders inside me. Yes, it gives me energy, but it often hurts people close to me. I don't know how to live in this world of hypocrisy and thirst for approval, when I want to dance like a wild animal and breathe smoke from a fire in the cold night air. I like technological progress, but our comfortable lifestyle kills the breath of life, rage and love in us. I live as in a fake world where people do not live, but dream about life. This is a world in which vivid feelings and emotions are not normal, where you cannot shout and run. This is a world of condemnation and fear, a world of discontent and emptiness. Why can't we be civilized, but keep a wild passion for life? Because of this limitation of the modern world, my anger begins to turn into bitterness, passion becomes melancholy. Mortal boredom and emptiness stifle my inner fire. People are a little afraid of me. At the same time, I behave in a cultured, restrained and adequate manner. They are afraid of my inner savagery, my will and strong energy. And I feel lonely in a world of people trapped in fear and insecurity. In a world where people are afraid to be themselves, to say what they think and live their own lives. If you are the same as me, then welcome to my house. You are a welcome and respected guest here. Don't let your inner fire go out. Dance with me here. picture by  Tomek Pietrzyk