myrealitydreams

[myrealitydreams]

I never believed I could meet my own needs. That I was incessantly reliant on others, like a crutch. I made myself meaningful, and useful to them So they would rely on me, in my powerless insecurity.

I hoped that others could see how special I was. That I craved connection and love, that I was deserving of it. I sought to please others, instead of myself.

I rejected the person most worthy of my love. I resisted what was real, for an ideal.

Self abandonment is a festering wound I can't heal alone. It also takes time, but no pre determined amount of time, just as long as it takes. Which could also be forever.

"People pleaser" - and yet, I am never pleased. Ironic. I've never been so miserable in my life. And yet the shiniest moments - the fire in my heart It comes more from within, my divine spark.

I've been there for myself my whole life. I never appreciated or valued this. Just continued to ignore, reject; seek others to please.

I embrace myself as I truly am - how I appear to others, what I hide. Alone. Raw. Vulnerable. Able to communicate what I feel. I don't need to seek your approval anymore. I've granted my own. It is only from this state do I find compassion and forgiveness. Generate this state, and show up, prioritising my self needs.

[myrealitydreams]

Two broken strangers, "trauma bonding" Separated from our selves Portrayed as desperation; grasping, clinging to the illusion

I recklessly abandoned myself.

Learned helplessness, I clung to others for validation I can feel worthy when I feel more secure Why can't I accept that I am enough right now? Why do I find the world overwhelmingly scary That I would drown on my own Why could I see so much of her worth and none of my own? -And step back and see the mirror- -And step back and see the mirror- It was always my validity and rejection at stake Then to be rejected? She gave me exactly what I needed. I just have to stop being attached to resisting reality.

Everything has been a lesson in accepting my self. I set myself free.

I give love to others so freely and hold back on myself - but no more. I am worthy of my generosity and care. I want to drown in my own self compassion. I accept and love that I try too hard. I accept and love my inner critic, this lonely wounded child. The one who pushes emotions away to try to appear strong. She deserves to feel, I deserve to feel. This grief is real.

My self worth is now my highest priority I am my own role model - I show up for myself I bless myself with loving intentions Warm loving calm, I am my own nurturing parent I'm growing into this role, learning as I go Still learning what direction to follow

[myrealitydreams]

I nurture my self.

I chose companionship to feel safe. In Canada, I was fundamentally out of my depth. She is my moon, but a moon cannot stop a sun from burning itself up. This is my work. To find safety within. I leaned on all my coping skills, and hers. I leaned on her to rescue me from myself. I didn't know how. But nor did she.

I tried to create a safe home when I couldn't access one. My health, the environment, the cold dead winter, Hyper individuality. The cost of living. The stress of living so close to unbalanced humans, barking dogs. I never once felt safe there. Not even in the partnership, stepping on eggshells to pretend Putting all my hopes and dreams into a future that shattered It was never going to be real. But I had to pretend. It was my only crutch.

I had to go through this, to learn a heard lesson. One that I have resisted for so long. My own lack of accountability was too apparent. External validation, no self valuation. I didn't even know what it meant to feel content. Why did I think I would find it in her?

My heart feels safe. It is safe. It is my safe place. My love for her has not dwindled or waned. This is safe. I thought it was limerence, but only aspects. The mental expectations that I clung to; my idealism of her. Maladaptive attempts to create safety. But I cannot lean on even my love to rescue me from myself.

My inner child has craved safety the moment I took on a body. Stress and anxiety. Fractured, trauma incoherence. I tried my best to cope as a sensitive child. I built up walls. There is so much to unpack. I blame no one. This is my self growth journey. I am here for a reason.

It is finally time to stop emotionally reacting and show up for myself. I nurture myself. I nurture my self.

[myrealitydreams]

dissociation

Presence is learning to lovingly nurture a sense of space for ourselves Every gurgle and shiver Interoception in the here and now.

Trauma can trap us - freezed in the moment We replay the same patterns Like we don't have the capacity to consciously choose to react It becomes an automatic reflex, the inner child defends Based on neuroception - are we safe? Can we relax? And if we aren't, if we can't, how does our body and mind respond? After all, the subcortical processes are primitive and primal

Neuroception is designed to help us survive And yet for those with unresolved trauma It keeps us trapped. It becomes evolutionary reliance, the safety of certainty Outside of our conscious awareness and yet Which shapes our reality - validates our core beliefs

It is a defiant resistance to the overwhelm A dissociative lurch It feels safer being untethered Than to be present with the hurt.

[myrealitydreams]

drowned

I believed in our love but inevitably let us both down Didn't understand the cost of enmeshment. I knew I struggled with boundaries, reassurance and fear I thought they would all dissipate when I had you near.

But like a plant, love needs a balance to grow And I flooded you with water No sunlight or soil to put your roots down. Is it too late to save the sprout? Did it drown?

I would create a container A vessel containing my heart And in another, one you create, We can come together, and then apart.

[myrealitydreams]

Booksmart

Intentionally living is a practice Of showing up daily, and taking a risk on oneself Feel the fear and do it anyway Confront the emotional resistance Choosing discomfort on purpose

I could do anything if only I knew what it was Attempting to be confident, I confront all my flaws I am here to align myself with my purpose and goals And follow consistent self care practices that allow me to heal and grow

Learned helplessness taught me, giving up can be perfected Even though I chased attachments with no anxiety of rejection I knew I was booksmart, but got stuck in that rigid mindset Here I am, still searching for the perfection I haven't found yet

Shattered relationships steeped in critical judgements My ego created my own living hell To deal with this I had to strive, not for perfection but The ideal of good enough, of doing well

I overthink and confront my thoughts PTSD taught me to be safe is cautious But the safety of certainty traps one in their own mind Causing more suffering than accepting life blindly

It took me decades to realise I needed a curious growth mindset To step out of destructive habits and face my resistance to feeling whole.

I had to learn how to be content with my self Without emotional buffering, and just allow myself to feel We all strive to feel happy But only feeling good is an ideal It isn't real.

Happiness inofitself is an unachievable goal So I have realigned myself, to chasing success There is discomfort even in integration To learn how to heal The difference between the two is discomfort on purpose We buffer to numb the pain. The dissociation will still hurt us.

The easing of pain comes from accepting Nothing needs to be fixed. It took decades of suffering to finally admit I wanted a quick solution, so I got given pills But the outcome of that was, my body became more ill.

I started practicing meditation to learn to sit with my self I practiced minimum baseline techniques To learn to show up for my own life. I suffered twenty years with chronic depression Then a further ten with chronic pain To come to the conclusion the mind can rewire the brain.

I felt like such a failure it took me more years trying to accept it Because nothing hurts more than trying to swallow the shame hiding within our self acceptance.

[myrealitydreams]

Mindfulness is not just about silence and presence But an absolute unlearning of the foundations one has cognitively built to make sense of the world. One that holds us in the survival patterns Running towards hopes and coveted dreams Due to a lack of self worth - that I, as I am, Will never be complete or enough for myself, here and now. Or safe.

A yearn to improve, self or other A desire to fix - instead of heal A promise to change, but stuck in survival mode.

And the betrayal of hope always gives rise to anger It is because of others I feel this way, I say But the anger is also an awareness of self betrayal. I cannot rely on others to create emotional safety. And the shame - the unrelenting pain and suffering Caused by this self abandonment.

I have to learn to nurture myself To experience true empathy and self compassion But it was so much easier to feel needed by others. And at the end of that, we all felt betrayed. And I felt fundamentally desolate and alone.

[myrealitydreams]

pursuing the avoidant heart

I came into your life like a whirlwind You told me this is what you wanted but now I just don't know

We were both not ready yet, to grow I was too absorbed in my trauma to know

I gave up comfort and safety and took a leap of love But I never quite made it to the other side Misattunement, maladjustment - a yearn for your touch A lack of boundaries creates unsafety, a lack of compromise

And it brought us to here My inner child shaking with fear I missed all the obvious signs An activated nervous system cannot naturally unwind And so it broke me Ever so slowly

You busied yourself on the ritual of letting go We never had that conversation - how was I to know That I had lost you before you were gone Is it cathartic to accept I was wrong I wanted this so viscerally for so long It was too hard to admit I didn't belong

As I process my attachments I see this trauma as all mine I had hoped that you would Reach out to me in time But if there's anything I learnt from this We can't rush the healing of our self Some are frustrated and impatient Some are not ready yet for help

With the repatterning of trauma comes a shift in perspective I am ready to accept my mistakes Rescuing others was never part of my journey Somehow I was convinced that's what it takes

And over and over, I couldn't reach you Instead of stepping back, I insistently pushed through I tried to build us a life that we both never wanted And somehow I thought all this was for you.

[myrealitydreams]

growing slowly

A journey with no destination An immersive retreat into the wild I'm trying to learn to be patient and mindful I'm healing, and growing slowly

Growing slowly - growing slowly

I had to stop pretending this was real The resistance - it blocked my life force Is it true?! Too unsafe to rebuild - but I guess I will I guess I will

Growing slowly - growing slowly

I never took the time to question reality All the answers I didn't need I just kept running towards you Projecting all my wants and needs And somewhere in that, you were left behind.

I just kept running (just kept running) I'll take the lead (I'll take the lead) But you'd turn inwards, To hurt, to heal, to grieve

I just kept running, but you're left behind I didn't notice, until I turned round to find you

Growing slowly - growing slowly

I trusted in my heart but I tripped up I also chose not to see And in that truth, I couldn't hear reality In the silence you'd built to keep yourself safe

Growing slowly - growing slowly

[myrealitydreams]

undoing / unbecoming

I waited two months for you to contact me Rather desperately And I struggling to realise This love has to first come from within

I'm grateful for the lessons on this journey With no destination Thinking this was linear meant I failed my Own high expectations

Struggling to compose myself against shadows And all these mental projections Self imposed expectations And drowning in that isolation

And I can't fix this - I can only heal Being present with myself, learning how to feel In that journey, sensing my resistance Like a child, with loving persistence I can finally learn to forgive myself

I know I tried my best, but I never felt it was enough I pushed myself so hard - my mind and body given up I don't know how, to find myself, without authentic honesty Reparenting that inner child - screaming out for reciprocity

Tried to make them proud - and I failed my self Tried to make them proud - and I failed my self

Perceived rejection, or self abandonment? The shame and humiliation feel the same I feel viscerally alone and yet I don't know my self Or how to cope.

I am both undoing and becoming As my stories come undone

I am both undoing and becoming As my stories come undone

[myrealitydreams]

in defense of reality

these emotions show me the glaring divide the need for coregulation that exist for us both (comfort the inner child) I am available for your needs but not my own.

I can also see the discrepancy We held up a mask for each other, to see. I thought I could see through it But I shared as much of this delusion

Shine a light on my heart, I see my self The shadows, the longing, the prison of my judgemental hell I allowed myself to get completely swept away And I know you did too, and now we both feel betrayed

I tried to push you towards a future you were never ready for We both weren't ready. I should have seen the signs.

I deemed the world too scary, I closed off my mind I came to be with you but could never find you I gave you all the hope I had Tried to rescue you but drowned myself

I wanted to share with you my world But I first needed to do my self work And I needed you to show me that.

[myrealitydreams]

What I mean when I say "toxic monogamy culture"

the normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love

the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities

the idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, you’re either inadequate or they’re too needy

the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else

the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity

the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship

the idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on

the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life

the idea that being of value to a partner should always make up a large chunk of how you value yourself

[myrealitydreams]

Maybe I’m bad at taking breaks cause I’m inexperienced at it…

[myrealitydreams]

[myrealitydreams]

“I, myself, have always found that if I examine something, it’s less scary. We always had this theory that if you kept a snake in your eye line… the snake wasn’t going to bite you. That’s kind of the way… I feel about confronting pain. I want to know where it is.”

-Joan Didion

[myrealitydreams]

Today I realised I am in love with the idea of "settling down" but I don't like to exist in one place for too long so basically I have to find someone as weird and epic as me and also it implies I want to just only ever be with one person but I want to thrive and live my best life and I really want that for someone I love, also.

I also want to hope that I strive to find that with a person that I not only adore, but they also adore me, and not just one person, either. But my ideals are high so one person is great, it's a higher statistic than usual I guess

And also when I really consider it the people I get along the most with are androgynous and/or gender nonconforming.

And also I will always let myself love. I want heart connections.

[myrealitydreams]

My bike, ghost. My dog, zap zap raygun. Rothesay bay beach / ghost is on Shelly beach