notfeelingthyaster

[notfeelingthyaster]

theresa lisbon: i want to sit back and relax and enjoy my evening

patrick jane: hi bae 💓💕🎉😍 so, i was thinking-

theresa lisbon: ... when all of a sudden, I hear this agitating, grating voice

[notfeelingthyaster]

this is like twenty lines of loustat cocaine

[notfeelingthyaster]

lestat de lioncourt is too silly he really said "after it took me over a century to get over my dead boyfriend, the most depressed man in all of france, i am ready to try again with my new boyfriend: the most depressed man in all of america"

[notfeelingthyaster]

all-timer daniel molloy questions:

1. did you eat the baby?

2. are you schizophrenic, louis?

3. and then what?

4. fuck, man, are you the zodiac killer?

5. YOU BOTH FUCKED LESTAT?

[notfeelingthyaster]

[notfeelingthyaster]

[notfeelingthyaster]

he looks like an evil cunty cockroach

[notfeelingthyaster]

is patrick jane babygirl?

[notfeelingthyaster]

Mother,

I resent you—

But the word abuse feels too big,

Too dramatic for the silence we share.

You never raised your hand,

Only your voice.

You bought me things sometimes,

Held conversations like strangers

Passing through a hallway.

Still,

Most days,

Your love had sharp edges.

And I bled quietly.

You say it’s always me.

My fault.

My failure.

My mess.

The burden you didn’t ask for

But got anyway.

I’m always the reason

The peace breaks.

Always the one who ruins the day.

It is always me.

So I cry—

Quietly.

Folded into corners,

Biting the edge of my tongue

Until pain replaces voice.

You mustn’t hear me.

You’d call it weakness.

Or worse—attention-seeking.

"It’s the hormones," I whisper,

As if they’re the culprit

And not the aching in my chest.

As if biology

Explains your cold.

I am a lazy child.

That’s what you see.

My room a reflection

Of how unfixable I must be.

Even when I try,

You only see the mess.

The filth.

You don’t see me.

You had it harder.

I’ll never compare.

I’m spoiled, ungrateful,

Soft in ways

You were never allowed to be.

You speak of survival

Like I’ve never bled quietly in the dark

Just to feel something real.

You call me selfish,

Ignorant,

A mistake

Carved from regret and duty.

You look at me

Like an echo of a life

You would’ve rather not lived.

Why did this cruel world

Gift me to someone

Who could never love me?

Why did the universe

Let me bloom

In a garden

That never wanted to grow me?

I remember what you said once—

"Sometimes family won’t like you,

But we’re obligated to love you."

Obligated.

As if love

Were a job you clock into.

As if I were just

Another task

You resent.

I learned not to cry around you.

Not to hope for gentleness.

I buried my softness

Somewhere beneath your storms.

And now,

I can’t tell if I’m broken

Or just surviving.

You never hit me.

But God,

You haunt me.

[notfeelingthyaster]

sometimes all I want to do is crawl into my mother's lap and whimper. hold onto her shirt with tight stubborn fists and cover her in my sadness. ask her why she can't love me. ask her why she won't love me. ask her why she'd give birth to a child she could barely look at

[notfeelingthyaster]

My parents telling me they love me is the equivalent of my psychiatrist telling me he cares

I'm sure they do to an extent, but it's only to an extent and ultimately kind of shallow

They're caretakers, that's about it I think

[notfeelingthyaster]

Its always "but shes your mother" but never "but shes your daughter"

[notfeelingthyaster]

as i grow into an adult, my mother's character grates on me. she speaks loudly, she has no concern of what i say, she has no responsability with work or home or money. she blames me for using money to eat, or for the electricity bill going up. she is childish in her anger, and capable of great cruelty in her words. she badmouths me, often. she never apologizes, and always acts like i am being irrational, for being hurt. for crying.

i will never be a great daughter in her eyes. not even a good one, i suppose. because i could never be as filial as her. nobody could. i would never give her the love or respect she had never given me, i would never give inches of other parts of my life in exchange for scraps of her attention.

and jealously consumes me. for the mothers of my friends, the mother of my boyfriend, the mothers that certainly have their own troubles and landmines, who made mistakes and apologized for them.

i am jealous of their easy comfort. of the little blame, of the emotional support. i am terribly jealous. i have been jealous, i think, from the womb.

i dont hate my mom but i hate that i envy daughters and mothers with a bestfriend bond

[notfeelingthyaster]

i dont hate my mom but i hate that i envy daughters and mothers with a bestfriend bond

[notfeelingthyaster]

growing up with an angry father is terrifying but growing up a daughter with an angry mother is gut wrenching because you get it, you understand that she’s been worn down by the world and being treated as less and she’s been carrying the rage and traumas of her mother and her mother before her and her mother before her and when you see her you recognise that same rage in you

but her rage is not pointed at the world, it’s pointed at you because you’re 14 and not used to the harshness of it yet but she will make sure you get there and you don’t know what to do but cry and she hates seeing your tears because they make her nauseous

growing up with an angry mother feels like being ripped apart because you know she loves you, she’s your worst enemy, she makes you feel safe, she terrifies you, she’s your best friend, she’s the reason you can’t let people get close, you love her, you never cried over a boy or a girl as much as you cried over her words, she made you, you’re her puppet, you’re desperate to leave, you’ll never escape her blood or her judging gaze and even when you leave you can hear her voice in your head and it will haunt you until you’re dead

you understand her rage but you see it in yourself and that scares you more than anything else

[notfeelingthyaster]

hello my fellow Horror And Houses fans.... i have come to recommend the book "horror in architecture" and its sequel "horror in architecture; the reanimated edition" by joshua comaroff and ong ker-shing to you all. ive been reading horror in architecture for the past couple days and it is excellent

[notfeelingthyaster]

Vicbourne fic masterlist (UPDATED May 9 2024)

Everything (rated 18+), chapters 1 2 3 4

You Are The Only One Who Understands (rated 18+), oneshot

One Thousand Times (And Several Thousand More) (rated 18+), oneshot

Love In The Forests Of Windsor (rated 18+), oneshot

The Arts Of Love (rated 18+), chapters 1 2 3

In The Shed (rated 18+), chapters 1 2

Closure (rated 18+), oneshot

A Princess Is Born (rated 13+), oneshot

Queen Of England (rated 18+), chapters 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9