ocd-bunny

[ocd-bunny]

I DESPERATELY needed someone to tell me this as I grew up in leftist online spaces. So now I am going to tell YOU:

If you

Check what you sent over and over to make sure you didn’t say a slur instead of “hello how are you”

Fear that someone will find you thinking not-leftist-enough thoughts and will call you out and ruin you

Feel you have to make your intentions clear and over-explain your actions

Find yourself consistently resisting the urge to engage in reassurance-seeking WRT being a good enough ally to marginalized people

Stay up late endlessly debating political ethics in your head

Have a set of actions that you take after discovering you made a morally wrong decision so that you can atone, which you rely on for reassurance that you are not a bad person

Would rather not make a decision at all than make a decision that is the lesser of two evils, but is not morally pure

then I am gently, but firmly, requesting that you look into moral scrupulosity OCD.

[ocd-bunny]

I haven't been active on this blog in a while, and I'm not sure when I'll start again, but I at least wanted to say this:

pr/ofic, pros/hip, whatever you call yourselves... I don't want interactions or follows from you all. I understand that for some, it is a coping mechanism, and while I have my opinions on that, I won't get into them here because shipping discourse is extremely stressful and very bad for my mental health.

the more pressing issue is that prosh/ippers are extremely triggering for me, and as this blog is focused on healing and coping with ocd (though it's sort of a general blog now?) I don't want people in my notes that trigger my POCD.

I understand that many prof/ic people have related traumas and mental illnesses like ocd (including pocd) but unfortunately this blog is not someplace that can help you. I hope you all are able to find a helpful place elsewhere.

[ocd-bunny]

To all my friends with Moral OCD/Scrupulosity: people do not mean “inundate yourself with the most graphic news videos you can find for all hours of the day” when they say “don’t look away” in the context of issues like war, genocide, and disasters, but rather “be aware of what’s going on and do what you can, even if it’s something small”. “Being aware” means checking in on an issue and potential ways that people can help those affected, not forcing yourself to compulsively watch as many videos of people dying as you can. Doing this is, in fact, a compulsion, and your brain will keep pushing you to watch more graphic death videos. Digital self-harm helps no one, and you don’t have to absorb every instance of individual suffering to have an awareness of it being an ongoing problem. Hell, you can take a break from checking the news for a bit if you find yourself spiraling and you can always catch up on it again once you are in the headspace to do so. Understanding how dire a situation is can be very important, but you can’t remove suffering and death from the world by compulsively looking at it. Your brain is lying to you, and it is much more productive to look for little ways that you can help people.

If you donate money to NGOs, know that every cent counts. If you are not financially well off and can only donate a small amount, that is still a wonderful thing. Forcing yourself into a place of financial risk (like risking eviction or forgoing food or medical care) to feel like you’re “really” donating “enough” is an OCD compulsion. OCD is taking advantage of the discomfort and sorrow that we feel when something big and horrific is happening and there is little that we can do, and we have to sit with some of that discomfort and avoid falling into patterns of self-harm like what I described above in an attempt to escape from it. If you’re feeling hopeless and not caring for yourself, then you can’t help people at all! No one can single-handedly save the world, but we can do little things to make it that much less unpleasant.

Be aware and be helpful, but take care of yourself, too.

[ocd-bunny]

it’s okay if your memory is bad even if:

• you can’t remember peoples birthdays

• you can’t remember to eat or drink or go to the bathroom

• you can’t remember something someone asked you to do

• you can’t remember things that people think are essential

• you can’t remember to do household tasks

• you can’t remember plans you’ve made

you are not a bad person.

[ocd-bunny]

I talk a lot about how you did what you needed to do to survive and that’s okay.

But I want to say that sometimes what we did wasn’t okay. Sometimes how we coped wasn’t valid to others. And I want to say that while it wasn’t okay, it’s still okay to forgive yourself. It’s still okay to take a breath, realize that’s not who you are anymore, and move on. Yes, you should take accountability for your actions but that doesn’t mean punishing yourself forever. It’s okay to grow and do better.

[ocd-bunny]

messing up doesn’t make you a bad person. you can make mistakes and still be good.

[ocd-bunny]

Forcing yourself to focus on positivity all the time can end up being harmful and may end up becoming a way to avoid things. It can also invalidate your very real emotions. While trying to find some positivity can be beneficial, remember that having negative feelings is okay and normal.

[ocd-bunny]

Please stop hating your past self for not doing better. Maybe you were doing your best at the time with the knowledge you had then. Maybe you weren’t even trying. That’s okay. Work on forgiving yourself and being proud of how far you’ve come instead of beating yourself up.

[ocd-bunny]

A lot of the time, us trauma survivors think our trauma isn’t “that bad”. We invalidate ourselves. And sometimes our struggles are the only evidence we have that it was bad. This can make healing hard sometimes because you feel like by healing that you’re proving it wasn’t “that bad”.

So, this is a reminder that it was that bad and even if you get to a place where it doesn’t affect you as much, it was still that bad and you’re valid. The fact that you had to heal at all is proof your struggles were bad enough.

[ocd-bunny]

i reblogged a post the other day about not getting out much which made me think about this, so let's also give a shout-out to folks who can't do much of anything even at home. those who spend most of or all of the day in bed or on the couch, those who can't cook or clean or bathe consistently if at all, who don't have the energy or ability to engage in hobbies, for those that feel like boring people because they don't or can't do much. we deserve love even if we're boring or not productive

[ocd-bunny]

Psst. Hey. Just so you know, autistic people don’t have to be ludicrously intelligent or even mildly intelligent to be worthy of love and companionship. Your intelligence is not a measure of your worth.

[ocd-bunny]

It’s okay to talk about your trauma. It isn’t shameful or wrong. And it is not your responsibility to protect the reputation of those who hurt you.

It’s valid if it isn’t safe to talk about it or you don’t want to. But this is a message that it is okay and valid to talk about it.

[ocd-bunny]

If you ever reached out for help and it went badly, I want you to know that was ENTIRELY a reflection on the people you reached out to and not on you. You deserved help. You deserved support. You deserved to heal. It may still hurt if you were not treated with that level of love and compassion and you are entirely allowed to feel that way, but do not let it reflect on how you feel about yourself and the support you deserve.

[ocd-bunny]

I love you people who show kindness because "it's what you're supposed to do". I love you people who show kindess because they like being thanked. I love you people who show kindness because it makes them feel good. I love you people who show kindness because they were shown kindness first. I love you people who show kindness for "selfish" reasons. I love you people who show kindness for the "wrong" reasons. I love you people who show kindness in a body that rejects the very notion. Your kindness is not any lesser because of its motivations. The good you added to the world is just as valuable as someone doing it for the "right" reasons. Your effort is seen. Your effort is valued.

[ocd-bunny]

It’s okay to get support! It’s okay to get help!

Just because you technically can do something yourself doesn’t mean you have to or that you should.

[ocd-bunny]

shoutout to victims of abuse whose abusers are marginalized people themselves. shoutout to people who are afraid to talk about their abuse because they don't want it to be weaponized by bigots or used as proof that a certain group are evil predators. shoutout to people who have had their desire for social justice used against them to keep them silent and vulnerable. who have been called bigots and traitors for speaking out about their abuse. it sucks and i hope you all find peace however you can. justice should not rely on marginalized people being seen as pure beings who can do not wrong, and it cannot come at the cost of people's wellbeing.

[ocd-bunny]

You didn't do anything to deserve your illness or trauma. These things happen sometimes. You aren't being punished.