oftoxicparents

[oftoxicparents]

I think the hardest part about addressing child abuse is getting people to acknowledge, not just intellectually but actually responding accordingly, is that the biggest threat to children, the biggest risk of abuse, is family and parents.

it is of course most often parents who are crowing about needing to protect children (often against far smaller threats than family), and pointing out that they are, statistically, the biggest threat to their kids is not gonna be received well.

[oftoxicparents]

You yelling at your child is worse than your child yelling at you.

And I'm 100% serious about that.

You're the one who has an enormous amount of power, making it much more threatening when you yell than when they yell.

You're the one who had decades to figure out how to communicate in a better way.

You're the one who has other ways to get them to listen.

You're the one who chose to have a child, knowing that it would be your job to raise them.

You're the one who should be setting a good example and teaching them what healthy human interaction looks like.

If you don't want your child to yell, teach them why yelling is wrong and why it hurts to be yelled at. Of course, by doing so, you'll be making it clear exactly why you yelling at them is worse than them yelling at you. And you don't want to do that because it's a threat to your power.

[oftoxicparents]

adults disciplining children: i think i will communicate with this brand new human in the loudest, rudest, most obnoxious and socially off-putting way possible

[oftoxicparents]

There's this interesting phenomenon where when you're a child, or some other vulnerable minority dependent on a job for shelter, you are actually under duress almost constantly. You can't say "I don't want to work today," you cannot say "I don't want to do the dishes, actually," you cannot choose not to participate. In a lot of cases, the punishment is explicit. Your parents might yell at you. Your boss might fire you. But in other cases, it's implicit. The mood will sour. You lose leeway. People get mad at you. And that creates a really shitty environment where you're constantly being coerced to do things!

And here's the kicker; you're not allowed to acknowledge that. You cannot acknowledge that you are being coerced, you cannot acknowledge that your free will is not being respected, because that's punished too. Your boss insists that you act excited. Your parents punish you for acting surly. You are forced to fake enthusiastic consent, constantly. It's a fucking nightmare. Your hand is being forced, you do not have the option to say "no," and if you ever, for a second, try to acknowledge that, everyone acts like you're the aggressor.

[oftoxicparents]

I think what some people don't get when they're saying that you need to forgive in order to let go and move on is that.. for some of us... Not forgiving is what gives us peace and allows us to move on.

Not forgiving and admitting I didn't forgive him was like a breath of fresh air. I felt lighter. I felt able to move on. Trying to forgive because I was "supposed" to actually kept me stuck in it. Not forgiving was me saying that what he did was wrong, and I didn't deserve it. It was me realizing I wasn't at fault and to blame. Not forgiving was healing to me.

It's so valid if you forgive and it helped you, but others are equally as valid if they realize forgiveness wasn't for them.

I want to be clear that it's valid if forgiveness was what helped you heal. I don't think you're wrong. I just think it's wrong to assume that everyone has the same needs when healing. We're all different and what works for some doesn't necessarily work for everyone.

[oftoxicparents]

Still grappling with the fact that I wasn't allowed to express negative emotions as a kid.

Not in a "smile more! Cheer up!" sense, but in the sense that I was constantly walking on eggshells around my parents emotion, and any perceived negativity, even/especially in response to their own negative emotions and volatile behavior, only made things worse and increased the length and hostility of their outbursts and abuse episodes.

So I simply learned never to express negative emotions, especially in response to other people's negativity.

[oftoxicparents]

A reminder: You don't have to forgive your harassers/stalkers

Being wary of people who've hurt and scarred you doesn't make them "the bigger person"

You deserve to feel safe within your online spaces, your boundaries and well being should always come first

[oftoxicparents]

[oftoxicparents]

it can be therapeutic to admit "actually my childhood was deeply fucking awful." not "my parents tried" or "there were good times too" or "I was lucky in certain ways" but solely to acknowledge "I went though some fucking messed up shit what the fuck was that about "

[oftoxicparents]

If you experienced trauma in childhood or had a rough childhood, dude listen to me. Offer yourself play. You were deprived of it.

Keep bubbles in the house, blow bubbles in the yard, blow them in your room, get a coloring book that doesn’t have to be an adult one with mandalas, watch cartoons, laugh at stupid things, dress up as a superhero for Halloween, wear a Santa hat on Christmas and big light up snowflake earrings, lay down on the floor, lay down in the grass, eat eggos for dinner sometimes. It’s not stupid. You’re not childish. You’re giving your inner child what they had taken from them. They deserve it.

[oftoxicparents]

“Don’t say you hate your fam-” No.

“Omg you should love your fami-” No.

“Be grateful they’re your famil-” No.

If you have been bullied, hit, teased, put down, hurt, lied to, or hated by your own family; you don’t need to justify how you feel. You don’t need to explain yourself. You are allowed to hate a family member or dislike a family member if they’ve given you a reason to.

[oftoxicparents]

[oftoxicparents]

Dear my anxiety on instagram

[oftoxicparents]

[oftoxicparents]

empathy without boundaries is self destruction = really explains why i had my absolute worst sense of identity when i had no boundaries with people and constantly asked people who i was but was never satisfied with the answer because i couldnt act their version of me out all the time because it would contradict the way everyone else preferred me to be so i was just this broken fragmented person who only expressed negative emotions when the broken mask slipped

[oftoxicparents]

Parentification is when a child takes on a more parental role. This can be traumatic, and have long-term effects. These images are a really condensed version of a more detailed blog post that I wrote here.

[oftoxicparents]

Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”

and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”

and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.