outofbreathonthestairs

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Tough day.

I am not losing weight at a quick rate, so even though I have a couple pairs of jeans the next size down, they're just a little too tight to be comfortable. One of my current pairs is doing that cheesecloth between the thighs thing, so I went to a local thrift store for a new pair.

Unfortunately, I forgot this store has a separate 'plus size' section for women. Yeah, all the "normal" sizes are organized together, and then there's this weird little aisle hemmed in with giant PLUS SIZED signs.

I cannot remember the last time I felt so fat. It was like everyone walking by was staring at me. I know they actually weren't, but I also know they all read those giant signs and knew just what kind of sizes I was shopping.

I bought the first pair of jeans I found that fit and got the hell out of Dodge. I really miss the other thrift store, which was just down the road and made dozens of dollars off me by getting me to walk down a lot of clothing aisles. I mean seriously; women's clothing sizes are bizarre. I have pulled plenty of stuff off the rack that's not my 'size' that has fit perfectly.

Anyway. Home now, thinking about life and trying not to feel plus sized.

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Why, Universe?

Nothing like a diet to bring out the foodie in everyone around you.

I'm trying to get back on track by restricting my calorie intake, and it's a hard row to hoe. I'm hungry, and two days in and I'm already hating it.

Of course, yesterday was National Cheeseburger Day, so this morning the local DJ's decided to graphically describe their favorite burgers. I kept thinking, "this segment has to end soon, and they'll play some music." So I masochisticly kept listening. Finally flipped to a commercial on a different station just to end it.

And that's my problem with dieting. I'm never more obsessed with food than I am when I'm trying to lose weight. It's exhausting. Every book, movie, and flippin' radio station becomes a hotbed of food and eating.

Ugh. Time to open up my cottage cheese and blueberries and drink some green tea.

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Before I started kickboxing last year, I had a lot of preconceived notions about gyms and fitness classes--all of them negative. I'm not athletic, and never have been, so I was expecting the same crappy atmosphere I'd suffered through during high school.

But it wasn't like that. Everyone kept talking about what a family we were and about supporting each other. I started to look forward to exercising. I bought into the idea that they wanted me to succeed.

And then I had a terrible day, and instead of going through the drive thru, I went to kickboxing, where I learned it was not the place I thought it was.

A large group of women had gotten together and created their own special Facebook group. They had shirts printed and they all came in to show them off. The class was literally filled above capacity with this special group. And there I was, one of three people not worthy of being in their clique and it suddenly clicked.

I remembered being in the locker room when one of the women was showing a girl who had just joined the subgroup. I remembered her clarifying to me that she was talking about someone else with my name when she was explaining who had started the group. I'd been attending classes for about three months at this point. I knew her and the woman she was referencing, but I had no idea what she was talking about.

So there I was, on the outside as they unveiled their shirts, obviously not included, and listening to the instructors ooo and ahhh about how great this was. It was like getting slapped in the face.

All that time that I'd believed we were in this together, it was a lie. I didn't fit in. I was on the outside.

Honestly, I probably would have been angry for a while and then gotten over it, but one of the instructors decided she had to talk to me about it.

It started with her joking about locking me in the building and then actually hiding my shoes to keep me from leaving. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is to have someone in a position of power take your property in order to prevent you from leaving?

And what she said...

She told me it was fine if I was an introvert, as long as I didn't act like one in class. She talked about how funny all the instructors thought I was on Facebook, and how that's the person they wanted to see in class. And she told me the people in class were great so if I "felt" excluded I should take responsibility for that.

You know what? I didn't "feel" excluded, I WAS excluded. I don't like people talking about me, and I don't want to change who I am. I like who I am.

I quit about four months later. I just hated going; I was stressed she was going to be there, and every time someone wore one of those stupid shirts, it was a reminder that I didn't fit in. I was miserable.

So here we are, almost a year to when the shirts were first unveiled, I'm up a pants size, thirty pounds heavier, and I just can't get motivated.

I'm an adult. I'm not supposed to care about what one person says about me, but the thing is, all the stupid horrible things she said, are the stupid horrible things I whisper to myself.

And it's just...what's the point? She confirmed that I was right all along, and I don't fit in in those healthy spaces.

So where do I go now? What am I supposed to do? How do you get motivated again?

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Whydoit Wednesday:

Because I'm tired of being the 'fat friend.'

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Today's Try It Tuesday was making healthier pancakes. It turned out okay. I made one from the batter. I like my pancakes more like crepes than anything, so it was a little thick. I topped it with peanut butter and bananas.

They say if you want to lose weight you should eat a big breakfast, a medium lunch, and a small dinner. I really struggle with that, mostly because my bad snack habits happen after dinnertime. For example, while I managed to avoid a pepperoni stick this evening, I did talk myself into a small bag of microwave popcorn that I quickly realized I didn't even really want.

I just have an odd urge to eat in the evenings.

I need to find something else to do with my hands.

Anyway, pancake was fine. There's plenty of batter left, so that's probably breakfast for the next couple days. Maybe I'll make some fruit syrup to top it with.

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Today's Workout: Bag Time

Got seriously rained out on my walk this morning. Stupid local weatherman. After a nice cup of tea and a change of clothes, I moved the car and got down to business.

Round 1) jab/cross, 2) Ladder Up (uppercut each hand, hook each hand, jab, cross), 3) Left body hook, left head hook, cross x 2, 4) Right hook, block/cross, jab, 5) Ladder Down, 6) Five roundhouse kicks each leg x 2

GREAT WORKOUT. Really enjoyed myself today, hope that continues.

I've still got plenty of protective padding, but I can feel some muscles waking up underneath.

LET'S GO!

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Going to stay motivated even while I'm vacationing.

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Week in Review: Week Three

Here's the breakdown:

Had a horrendous day where I just felt fat and miserable, but DID NOT QUIT.

Battled the heat and still got my three trips to the bag in.

My no-Starbuck's-no-soda streak continues.

Wimpy yoga twice.

10,000 steps at least everyday.

Good meal prep and follow through.

But this upcoming week four is not going to be a gold star week. The State Fair is opening, and for the first time in twenty plus years, I'm going. I am going to town on the food. I know this, and I won't make myself miserable about it.

Goals for my vacay week:

10,000 steps a day

Three trips to the bag, but increase by another round.

Reasonable eating, with one glaring exception.

Yoga times three.

[outofbreathonthestairs]

It's About 7, if It's Raw.

I've been thinking about keeping a food journal again. I've got a good app on my phone I used previously, and I know it did help with my meal planning.

However, I did become 'that person'. The, 'how many calories do you think this almond has?' type of person. I became obsessed with everything I ate.

So, I know it helped, but I'm a little concerned about how food minded I became. It was not good for my mental health.

Maybe I should keep thinking about it, maybe do a little more research. Maybe there's a happy medium out there I can aim for.

P.S. I totally hit the punching bag yesterday, but I forgot to blog about it. Whoops. But that did make three times in one week. Huzzah!

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Today's Workout: Bag Time

I'll bet the neighbors are glad I put the bag in the garage and not the apartment. Besides the noise of the rocking bag, there's a lot of chatter--and swearing, the heat brings out the swearing.

But that's two days in a row, and I'm looking good to hit my goal of three for the week, so good for me.

Round 1) jab/cross, 2) left uppercut, right uppercut, left hook, right hook, 3) left uppercut x 2, cross x 2, 4) Southpaw jab/cross, 5) 5 roundhouse kicks each legs, 5 side kicks each leg.

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Imagine a Runaway Cart: Was There A Flaming Wheel?

When I took physics, we learned about equal effort. The example was pushing a cart full of figurines up a hill. Once you crest the hill, you can't just let the cart go; you've got to ease it down the hill, and that will require the same force needed to push the cart up the hill.

I've often thought there's a dramatic lack of this balance when it comes to weight loss. It takes no effort for me to gain weight, but it's a daily battle to lose it.

I have to consciously choose health everyday. It is hard, and sometimes it's exhausting, but I believe in what I'm doing.

That being said, maybe I need to stop comparing effort and start comparing benefits instead. I like feeling stronger, and while I'm only three-ish weeks in, I want to keep going.

Maybe the effort is more in balance with the pay-off than I'd thought before.

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Today's Workout: Bag Time

Oh, it was so hot and humid and all I wanted was to turn on the air conditioning and watch Brooklyn 99. But, instead, I got suited up and hit the punching bag.

Round 1) jab/cross, 2) jab/cross, jab/cross, right hook, 3) left hook, left hook, cross, 4) free style, 5) 5 roundhouse kicks, each leg, times two.

So hot afterwards. Proud I made myself do it.

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Mood.

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Today's Workout: Yoga for Wimps

It's Wednesday, and I have not been good about hitting the bag. It's just been so hot I can't get myself out into the garage. I did some commercial fitness last night, but tonight I got back into yoga.

It's getting better, but I still really feel it. I like it, but man, it is rocky. Gotta keep working at it.

Yoga practice, not yoga perfect.

[outofbreathonthestairs]

Whydoit Wednesday:

Because I want to see a happy person when I look in the mirror.

[outofbreathonthestairs]

My Response Was Internal

My Boss: Donuts in the breakroom!

Me: Go fuck yourself--I mean, No thank you!

Ugh, it was awful. He brought them into the meeting room; three and a half hours of smelling that sweet sugar dough smell. Then, we had a planning session, and the two of them just went to town on the leftovers.

And I'm sitting there like, "boy, this water sure is tasty!"

The things we do to improve our health.

I just want to get to that stage where it isn't a battle of wills to not have that donut. I want to be a person who eats because they're hungry, not because they crave. It's a hard lesson to learn.

[outofbreathonthestairs]

So, this week's motivational thought is building up little actions. I also had a horrendous day on Monday, so I'm going to meld the two together.

This week's try it Tuesday, is about saying kind things to myself. I'm going to start each day by telling myself three things I like about me.

I'd like to be more positive, and I am proud of who I am. Let's hope the daily reminder helps inspire even more greatness.