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Official dxes

Received confirmation today that I am dxed with Bipolar II, PTSD, and generalized anxiety. I suspected as much based on how my initial assessments went and how my therapist previously talked, but today I asked and received confirmation.

This also confirms I don't have BPD anymore. Yay! that's a positive.

What's not a positive is how this new medication has tanked my energy, motivation, and will to live in my second month being on it. My psych's recommendation was to increase the dose which I thought was crazy but she doesn't think I'll get worse. She said one more round and then we'll try a new medication but she doesn't want to give up too soon.

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Common Side Effects of Mood Stabilizers

Some popular mood stabilizers and their common side effects. Source

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Opening up about mental health, the healthcare system, and my diagnoses

I'm no stranger to therapy. Though I've never lasted longer than 6 months, I've tried different therapists over the years. I know I need to dig in and do some deep, hands-on work. I've gotten by with some of the tools they've given me, as well as my own efforts at attempting self-help.

In May, I went back to therapy and also saw a psychiatrist for the first time ever. I did a psych eval with her last week.

I received a diagnosis of anxiety, PTSD, and Bipolar. These are also things the therapist had evaluated me for and talked to me about. I scored high on her tests for them. I've always been good at tests...The damn test was how I got my bipolar diagnosis in 2010. Some NP at a walk-in clinic gave me a couple assessments and heard my story about how I reacted on Prozac. Said that depression was only telling half the story and gave me some meds. I had to go off them after a couple months because I got pregnant, but that was as far as I ever went in my Bipolar journey.

Since 2010, I had distanced myself from the Bipolar dx and label. Not only did I not like the stigma, but I just didn't relate to it as much as other things. Borderline seemed to address a lot of similar symptoms. At one point, I even thought I had DID. In 2020, like many chronically-online Millennials in the pandemic, thought I might have ADHD. For much longer, I've considered that I have OCD.

But for now, my doctor is choosing to treat the Bipolar and said she didn't "get ADHD vibes from me" and for now, she wouldn't agree that I have ADHD (I got through school, I finish my work on time, I paid attention to her questions --those were her reasons). She said I might have OCD tendencies based on what I described but she didn't fully label me as OCD or change my treatment at all.

She did say that over time, things could change--as in additional dxes might be given or they might be changed. And of course, we might try different treatments. It's all trial and error.

To start, I'm going on a mood stabilizer (Vraylar) and an anti-anxiety medicine (hydroxizine). I hope I can find the right combination of meds and that the side effects will be minimal and manageable. I havent been on a mood stabilizer in a long time. I don't really remember much about it. I've tried many different anti-depressants and Xanax. The anti-depressants always seemed to make me worse and Xanax just makes me sleepy as fuck.

My doctor gave me an overview of the Vraylar and Hydroxizine. She told me the symptoms and what to look out for. But then reading the pamphlets about them gave me a whole different perspective. Drowsiness was the big one that stuck out to me for both--not only did she not warn me about this, but she even told me hydroxizine wouldn't cause me to be sleepy and I could take up to 400mg a day and I'd be fine. It would help me sleep, but it wouldn't put me to sleep, like Xanax would, in her words.

Like many anti-depressants or mood stabilizers, Vraylar warns of potential weight gain. But it also can cause high blood sugar and high cholesterol. I already have elevated cholesterol so that's unfortunate. I didn't tell my psychiatrist this and now I am wondering if she'll switch meds when I do tell her. I'm not sure why I didn't mention it. All those potential side effects worry me though. I already struggle with my weight and because of my PCOS, I am pretty much already at risk for diabetes--though no tests have come back to indicate that I'm even pre-diabetic, so that's good. The cholesterol is something to worry about though and I will bring that up when I see her again.

Drowsiness is the worst symptom though and I'll tell you why. It's because I switched back to Zyrtec for my allergies and even though I take it at night, it's just a lot. it makes it hard to get up the in the morning. I can handle it okay during the day when I halve the pill, but I still end up dragging around, fatigued. I hope my body adjusts. I don't want to be tired all day. I have horrible allergies and have been receiving allergy shots for them, which contributes to fatigue on shot days. I can't live my life like a zombie all the time.

Just feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and annoyed. I know it's going to take time to adjust to both new medications and even to the Zyrtec. And if Vraylar and Hydroxizine don't work, it will be onto something else. I'm just eager to get it right and feel fulfilled and content. I want to be able to workout if I want to. I want to relax if I want to. I just don't want to be ruled by fear or lack of energy or zero motivation. I want to be in control of my body. Drowsiness is opposite of this.

Onto the PTSD...that shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. I wasn't expecting that. I don't know if the meds will help with my PTSD symptoms. But I know that my stepmom and her sister both receive ketamine treatment periodically. Both of them have bad depression and it helps them tremendously. According to the website, it helps with PTSD and bipolar symptoms as well. So I've considered that as an option, but I want to try meds first.

That brings me to the other issue--cost. I'm lucky that I can pull together the funds when needed and tighten up spending enough to afford these expensive-ass therapy/psych appointments. I also have a boyfriend I live with who makes almost 2x what I do and can pick up the slack or give me money if I really need it. Most people are not in that situation. There are people in my own family who cannot afford certain things. Mental health is a luxury to them.

Something so important and life-changing is a luxury that they can't afford. It's tragically common. Health insurance in the US is a joke. I can't even bill them for these sessions. It's not that they don't cover any mental health/behavioral health (though that's part of it sometimes), it's that the places I have visited do not bill health insurance for some reason. Maybe it's harder to work with them. maybe there's something about the way they bill. I truly do not know. But it's expensive as hell and I know if it were easier, they would bill insurance.

So yeah it's hard enough that I have to scrape together the money and really budget out my spending and think of every dollar. But there are people who have to do this with groceries, with feeding their children! People who have to choose which bills to pay. They can't just scrape together some extra money and spend it on mental health. Those people are fucked. and then their kids, who grow up in poverty or who are surrounded by this constant survival mentality, will grow up traumatized and in need of therapy they can't afford either. The cycle continues.

Does the government care? No. This system isn't built well and it's failing the people who need it the most.

I could talk more about the PTSD and Bipolar. what they mean to me and the symptoms I'm having. But I'm tired (go figure) and this is all I can manage.

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Just Little Trauma Things

Feeling guilty for setting boundaries.

Obsessing over small things that other people don’t seem to think about.

Anxiety. Nearly constantly and sometimes for seemingly no reason.

Second-guessing yourself all the time.

Not feeling like you can trust your own opinions or decisions.

Feeling guilt over the most minor things.

Over-analyzing.

Shame over normal, human things (like tripping or stumbling over words sometimes).

Intrusive and/or obsessive thoughts.

Being easily startled.

Attachment issues, whether anxiously attached, avoidant attached, etc.

Emotional outbursts/mood swings that are often over-the-top and inappropriate.

Low energy and frequent fatigue.

Not all of these mean decisively that you have trauma. And having trauma doesn’t mean you will experience all these things. Mental illness and trauma are complex and variable. Unraveling what’s due to trauma and what’s due to personality or another specific mental illness (like BPD, Bipolar, etc) is a job for a mental health professional. But these thing are common and relatable for a lot of trauma survivors.

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I need to learn to self-validate because a) other people’s validation is fickle, b) if I care about their validation, I have to care about the negative things they think about me, too, and c) it’s never enough anyway.

if I self-validate then I can believe in myself and reassure myself.

the problem is that I don’t believe or trust my own opinion, thoughts, or feelings a lot lol. But I am working on it :)

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Grounding Techniques

 via Therapist Aid __________________________________________________

5-4-3-2-1 Technique

Using the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, you will purposefully take in the details of your surroundings using each of your senses. Strive to notice small details that your mind would usually tune out, such as distant sounds, or the texture of an ordinary object.

What are 5 things you can see? Look for small details such as a pattern on the ceiling, the way light reflects off a surface, or an object you never noticed.

What are 4 things you can feel? Notice the sensation of clothing on your body, the sun on your skin, or the feeling of the chair you are sitting in. Pick up an object and examine its weight, texture, and other physical qualities.

What are 3 things you can hear? Pay special attention to the sounds your mind has tuned out, such as a ticking clock, distant traffic, or trees blowing in the wind.

What are 2 things you can smell? Try to notice smells in the air around you, like an air freshener or freshly mowed grass. You may also look around for something that has a scent, such as a flower or an unlit candle.

What is 1 thing you can taste? Carry gum, candy, or small snacks for this step. Pop one in your mouth and focus your attention closely on the flavors.

Categories

Choose at least three of the categories below and name as many items as you can in each one. Spend a few minutes on each category to come up with as many items as possible.

Movies 

Countries

Books

Cereal

Sports 

Teams

Colors

Cars

Fruits & Vegetables

Animals

Cities

TV Shows

Famous People

For a variation on this activity, try naming items in a category alphabetically. For example, for the fruits & vegetables category, say “apple, banana, carrot,” and so on.

Body Awareness

The body awareness technique will bring you into the here-and-now by directing your focus to sensations in the body. Pay special attention to the physical sensations created by each step.

Take 5 long, deep breaths through your nose, and exhale through puckered lips.

Place both feet flat on the floor. Wiggle your toes. Curl and uncurl your toes several times. Spend a moment noticing the sensations in your feet.

Stomp your feet on the ground several times. Pay attention to the sensations in your feet and legs as you make contact with the ground.

Clench your hands into fists, then release the tension. Repeat this 10 times.

Press your palms together. Press them harder and hold this pose for 15 seconds. Pay attention to the feeling of tension in your hands and arms.

Rub your palms together briskly. Notice the sound and the feeling of warmth.

Reach your hands over your head like you’re trying to reach the sky. Stretch like this for 5 seconds. Bring your arms down and let them relax at your sides.

Take 5 more deep breaths and notice the feeling of calm in your body.

Mental Exercises

Use mental exercises to take your mind off uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. They are discreet and easy to use at nearly any time or place. Experiment to see which work best for you.

Name all the objects you see.

Describe the steps in performing an activity you know how to do well. For example, how to shoot a basketball, prepare your favorite meal, or tie a knot.

Count backwards from 100 by 7.

Pick up an object and describe it in detail. Describe its color, texture, size, weight, scent, and any other qualities you notice.

Spell your full name, and the names of three other people, backwards.

Name all your family members, their ages, and one of their favorite activities.

Read something backwards, letter-by-letter. Practice for at least a few minutes.

Think of an object and “draw” it in your mind, or in the air with your finger. Try drawing your home, a vehicle, or an animal.

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My first post in 3 years

Looking back at my old posts about my own trauma and my own mental illness has me triggered, wanting to dissociate.

I kind of want to revive this blog though

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You’re a good person. You don’t have to be the nicest, most perfect person to be *good*. All the bad things you were told as a kid are wrong. You’re good. You’re capable of great things. You have good inside of you. You have been hurt, but that doesn’t mean you’re unlovable or unfixable. 

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What to Do When It Starts Getting Bad Again

Reach out. Your best friend, your guidance counselor, your teacher or professor, anyone on an online forum (facebook groups, a subreddit for your specific need, Tumblr, 7 cups of tea). Someone you feel safe talking to and can trust. Even if all you say is “I’m struggling. I just need to tell someone. This is how I feel...”

Take things minute by minute. Maybe not literally, but focus on the specific task in front of you, then the next, then the next. Don’t get caught up about the overwhelming details of your entire day or project. Finish the problem you’re working on, then tackle the next. If you’re stumped, ask someone for help, or come back to the problem in question later. I do this all the time at work. It helps to force myself to be in the moment more.

Take stock of how your body is feeling. Body scans are a part of meditation, but you don’t need to be sitting still in a quiet room to do them. Check in with yourself often throughout the day. Are you tired? Hungry? Irritable? Are you tensing up? Slouching? Try to correct anything that is in your power. Stay hydrated, be mindful of how often you’re eating, and try to shake it off when you’re tensed up or sore. Stretch, walk around, do whatever you can to alleviate physical symptoms.

Journaling and online worksheets. My favorite thing to do when I’m not able to go to a therapist. Getting my thoughts out on paper and really feeling my feelings helps me a lot, even if it doesn’t fix my mood/episode entirely. Worksheets/exercises that I find online for my specific issue at the moment (anger management, self-esteem, anxiety, etc) are extremely useful. It helps me feel like I’m doing something.

Do not isolate. It’s tempting to stay in and cancel all your plans. Don’t! At least follow through on one in-person commitment that is not an obligation like work or school or a doctor’s appointment. Go out to lunch with a friend. Visit your grandmother. Hang out with your little cousin. It doesn’t have to be about what you’re going through if you don’t want it to, nor does it have to be some big 3-hour commitment. I just encourage you to not be alone and try to get that social interaction in on some level.

What helps you mitigate your symptoms when you feel things are starting to get bad again?

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using they doesn’t exclude binary people

Sorry but I will still use he/she. I’m not sure how it’s hurtful. I’m not trying to be exclusionary. I try to be as general as possible when I am making posts that can apply to everyone, so when I use he/she it’s for a reason. I don’t feel I need to change my language to accommodate the minority of people who identify as “they”, and if that means I lose some followers, I’m sorry.

I also don’t know how it’s helping to go around and police blogs on Tumblr.

If you can articulate why it’s bad or wrong and show where I was actually hurtful or discriminatory, I’m happy to reconsider my point. But for now, I disagree with using “they” as a catch-all pronoun all the time.

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None of you deserved what happened to you.

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Reminder not to write “she or he” because that excludes nonbinary people and it’s hurtful. Just say “they”

If I write they, doesn’t that exclude binary people?

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I see you. You’re valid. What happened to you was real. You’re not making it up. You’re not faking. You deserve to feel heard; you deserve to feel whole.

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So, my dad left me in a car. And he used to leave me in a hot car when I was 11. And he didn't take his phone and not being able to reach him so I'm just trapped is giving me panic attacks and flashbacks. So I'm just sitting here in a car, with no way to reach him. Wondering why, as a 24-year-old, I don't have the agency to leave the car on my own and wondering if I gave him this ability or if he just always had it and I never had a agency or a chance.

I am SO sorry it took me a million years to see this. I’m not sure how long this has been sitting here but I rarely get on Tumble and I need to be better about that.

But this is horrible to hear and it absolutely wasn’t your fault. You panicked and your brain shut down. You didjnt know how to respond at 11. The effect it had on you then is what affected you at 24 and caused you to freeze.

I’m so sorry you experienced that sort of fear and abandonment. You did not deserve that.

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Guide to Handling a Mental Health Crisis

This is my tried and true method. If it doesn’t work for you, I guarantee your money back ;) 

When you’re faced with a possibly life-changing crisis or event that shakes you to your core, often the first reaction is to panic or breakdown. This is what I do after that.

1. Cry a lot. 

2. No, seriously. Just let it all out.

3. Or maybe angrily smashing things or screaming is more your style? Perhaps just sitting there numbly while listening to music? 

4. Splash cold water on your face. It recalibrates your senses and is surprisingly calming, despite the shock it gives you. Actually, I think that initial shock of cold water that makes you gasp is what resets your brain, so to speak.

5. Let your feelings happen. Don’t shove them down or repress them. That will not help. Don’t avoid them because they hurt. Embrace them. Listen to mopey music or angry music. Whatever your cup of coffee is. 

6. Stop. Take a deep breath. Several slow, steady deep breaths. This should probably be higher up. But I usually don’t think of it soon enough.

7. Drink a shit ton of water. Like, just chug a bunch right now. Look at you, being healthy and productive! It’s at least accomplishing one thing.

8. Distract yourself. This comes in many different shapes and colors. What I don’t recommend is mindlessly scrolling through Tumblr or Facebook. It will piss you off or annoy you eventually. Okay, I can’t tell you what to do actually. It just has that effect on me sometimes and I don’t find it distracting in a positive way because of that. 

Instead, immerse yourself in something. That’s the good kind of distraction. For me, I like to watch vine compilations. They say laughter is the best medicine, so it can’t hurt here. Another favorite of mine is immersion in a hobby that I love. Writing fiction being my favorite. I also enjoy studying vocabulary words or looking up topics that interest me (I recently looked up how schizophrenia works in the brain; another time, I watched a short doc on the deep sea). Another thing I do for distraction is look up classes for skills or interests I have, even if I dont’ go through with doing it. 

9. Reach out to someone. This one is the hardest. I don’t have a core group of close friends. I don’t even have a best friend that’s not my boyfriend. So it feels awkward to reach out to someone and say “hey, I’m struggling. Can I talk to you?” I’ve done it. But sometimes you just don’t want to do that. Instead, if I’m hurting like this and I’ve done the other steps, I reach out to someone and ask how they’re doing. I tell them I’m thinking about them and hope they’re okay and if they need to talk to me about anything, I’m there. It makes you feel so good and also serves as a distraction (er, not to mention the far more important aspect of how you’re touching someone else’s life in a positive way).

10. Find out what your next step is. You’ve been through a lot emotionally and mentally. You’re overwhelmed, upset, and probably in a very dark place overall. By now, hopefully you feel a bit more calm and in control. Maybe not completely, but you’re getting there. Think about what the next step to resolving your crisis or getting through the situation would be. You don’t have to do it, just ruminate on it. Would it be to make a phone call to someone? Do some research online? Talk to someone else about your options? Just knowing what the next step is can feel like a bit of relief.

You’re going to be okay. That’s so hard to believe when you feel your world is crashing down on you and you want to end it all just so you don’t have to deal with it or be a burden to anyone. (I know from experience). But the radical concept I have to drill into my own skull is that it really will be okay. You will find an answer or a solution. You won’t feel like this forever. Feelings do wash over you like waves from the ocean because they, too, will pass. 

You can get through this crisis and face your problems head on. You will rise up like the Phoenix you are and you’ll be okay. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but you will. Once you can get yourself feeling more calm and collected, you’ll be more prepared for what to do next. That’s not to say it’s smooth sailing and nothing will ever go wrong. It just means you can handle it step by step, slowly but surely.

Also, if you can, and you’re willing, go hug someone. :) Physical touch is super important.

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When you’re up, you’re up. When you’re down, you’re down. There’s no rhyme or reason to this pattern. It’s not linear. It’s not predictable. Everyone has good days and bad days, but people who struggle with mental illness fight with their very perception of reality. We think we’re getting better and feeling healthier and then we have a bad episode or panic attack or mood spike/dip and the world seems to come crashing down.

The key is not to have perfect days though. It’s to learn to cope with the bad ones and bounce back. I’m trying to survive. So are you. 

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Anxiety makes me feel forced into avoiding, cancelling, or not pursuing something based on fear, but then I feel guilt or shame for not doing it.