ramblesofm

[ramblesofm]

Dear whoever,

I woke up today at 12pm, looked at my clock, and went back to sleep. What's upsetting is that I actually really wanted today to happen, but I ruined it.

I have become increasingly aware that I am a completely different person when I wake up. Another personality in a way.

Its not like when people are grumpy for an hour before they have had coffee or food in the morning, but more like an alter.

I barely comprehend actions while in this state. I know that the "me" after waking up is often rude and unreasonable. This "other me" knows nothing important about the day ahead and turns off countless alarms. If someone tries to wake me, I am capable of having conversations with them and not remembering it later. I can answer a phone call (if I dont hang up first), respond bluntly to questions, and appease the caller by saying what they want to hear (often my mum calling) and then hang up. Other me can also text people and cancel plans, call into work, and make decisions my rational brain wouldn't. I can even get up and let the dog out and crawl straight back into my bed without thought.

No matter how many alarms, I always end up falling back to sleep. Because other me doesn't give a shit about things happening that day. I am constantly trying to find new strategies around this, but I am so defeated.

Most of the time, I wake up many times as this stupid "other me" before actually waking up as myself. That can take all day. I then usually require time to gather myself before approaching what's left of the day, trying to make sense of the things I missed and canceled without "knowing." Dealing with disgruntled friends and family is the worst. Because I know I hurt them, and I also know at the time "other me" couldn't have cared less. I also have to deal with embarrassment and shame. My roommate often works from home, and I always feel I have to explain why I have slept so long. More often than not, I end up deciding to just not leave my room or lie and say I'm sick.

I have lost so much of my life to sleeping. I have lost jobs, my body, and especially my social life. I am far from the friend you can call if you need anything. I am that shit friend that sleeps through plans we made months ago. Nothing about it feels good.

[ramblesofm]

[ramblesofm]

Trigger warning - Sad brain rambles

I feel like I don't deserve to be hurting like I am. My life is good, but for some reason I'm not feeling that. People tell me that because I am healthy and am capable I should be seizing life. They are right, which makes me freeze all the more. Why do I suddenly turn completely incapable when I care about something? When I want to do something I love, I ruin it by freezing. I loved my previous job, it mattered to me so much that I couldn't get out of bed. What kind of insane logic is that?

I want to be loved and held. I need guidance, I feel so so lonely navigating my mind. I wish someone could jump in my thoughts with me so I don't have to experience them alone. I think it's going to kill me, my brain is a living nightmare.

I asked for help years ago when I was 17 and the person that supported me, saved my life. But I know I can't ask again, my card has been played. People have long finished checking up on me, and that's okay because I should be okay by now.

The most horrible thing about this all is that I really have no right to be complaining. I have the things I need, there are many who don't. So am I just a weak spoiled brat?

[ramblesofm]

This was the last story I ever read to my best friend.

Home

It was a beautiful afternoon for a picnic. The family and I drove down the road to the beach and parked the car in a shady spot. I took out my blanket and umbrella from the boot and set up on the stoney shore. I squinted towards the horizon so bright and blue, the separation between the sea and sky was indistinguishable. This was the colour of home.

Looking out at the ocean felt like a breath of fresh air. The sound of waves and tumbling stones created their own rhythmic song. The warm wind swirled and played on the top of the sea, bringing with it a light layer of salty mist. This was the taste of home.

The beach wasn't busy, just the locals and a few seagulls. It is not often you get to relax on an uncrowded beach. But here, this was normal, this was ours to enjoy. This was the gift of home.

I kicked off my shoes and wiggled my feet, watching the stones fall over themselves and bury my toes. The stones were warm, holding the heat of the sun. The kids swam in their undies, giggling as the waves drenched them time and time again. I closed my eyes and listened to their laughter mixing with the ocean. This was the sound of home.

Time passed like nothing. The sun was now low on the eastern horizon. Stomachs full and hearts equally as fulfilled. I lay with my head in the crook of my husband's arm. His warm, tanned skin radiating beneath my face. This was the warmth of home.

I didn't want to leave where I was. My tired body argued against any attempt to move. The sea had not finished singing its song, and I wanted to hear the end of it. I stayed right where I was, closing my eyes and listening. I was home.

A story for Bemma,

By Your beloved and only granddaughter,

Mollie

Inspiration for this was based on a short story written by Hania Khan. Her story is linked below. I give credit to her for the baseline of my words (If this is an issue, please let me know)

Ps. Hania's story was the one I actually read at the time. I would have loved to read my adapted version if I had time to write it. But time was not something cancer allowed us to have. All I wanted was for my grandma to go back to a vague memory of one of her many beloved homes. I was grateful that this story was there for me to read. She passed 5 minutes later. So thank you, Hania, you helped me take her home.

[ramblesofm]

I am living in a world that isn't made for me. I don't like it...

If I try, I can build my own.

[ramblesofm]

My Thoughts

You know when you are trying to remember someone's name and you can’t quite remember it? It's RIGHT THERE on the tip of your tongue. Suddenly, the most random name slips its way into your mind. It seems to almost be yelling at you. OVER AND OVER. You know it is wrong, but it's the only thing that now consumes your thoughts.

To me, that is what my brain feels like all the time. Buzzing and buzzing with thought. Most of the time, never landing. Until one finally works its way to the surface. Rarely ever being the thought I was searching for. It is loud. Yelling at me, OVER AND OVER.

The thoughts come in many variants. They can be random, funny, intelligent, and curious. Anything and everything, really. Sometimes, the yelling ceases fairly quickly. It's just a little electric shock of thought. Been and gone. Only loud for just a second before my mind moves onto the next one. But, more often than not, they latch on.

Like a broken record, I get stuck. Sometimes, it brings me satisfaction and dopamine. I love repeating a verse from a song or a line from a movie. Or just random noises. Stims if you will. I love diving into a random rabbit hole of curiosity. Laser focused. It itches my brain and brings me joy. Hardly ever is it ever the task I am supposed to be doing.

My thoughts can also be dark, absorbing, and intrusive. Nothing logical or intelligent. They become a barrier, making it harder for anything else to break its way through at that moment. The more I think, the thicker the barrier gets. This is when my thoughts are most terrifying.

When I am in a weaker state of mind, the more my thoughts nag and nag. I do get tired of it. So incredibly tired. It is a full-time job inside my mind. My thoughts are the only thing I can hear when trying my best to just function.

But I am learning. There are ways to break the barrier. There will be a way to organize my brain enough to call on thoughts as I want them. There are tools I can explore to discover how to make it easier being me. I will get there.

Feel free to join me on this journey