rcgsdiary

[rcgsdiary]

i want to be normal again.

i tried killing myself. with my antidepressants.

it embarrassed me enough. couldnt even do that right.

i feel the alcohol starting to work. its 2:01 on a wednesday. february 28.

im tired of it all. i cant keep this face up for long.

going to work is draining. seeing people is draining. existing is draining.

i can only rest for so long.

im so tired.

i dont even want him i dont think. so what do i want.

i dont want him anymore. how could i love someone who doesnt love me. how could i love someone who is not patient with me when i need it. i know im not the best. i know im difficult. i know i am the problem.

i really should just leave. i shouldve left before. when i took the time off.

too dependent. what a fucking joke. no time alone no sleep no rights. fine.

freedom is what he wanted.

i pray god gives me the strength to be alone.

right now i am nothing. i feel nothing. there is nothing inside of my.

there is nothing inside of me. empty. im empty. that was all i got. thats the only chance i had,.

shame. im disgusting. used. ugly. unloveable. unwanted.

who would want a used freak.

no one. not even me.

i pray god gives me the strength to be alone. i pray that god will show mercy. if i atone for my sins enough. if i destroy myself enough. maybe it will make god happy.

maybe i could be of some use. maybe i could have a purpose.

there is nothing inside of me. im so tired. it doesnt even matter anymore. i have nothing. i am nothing.

worthless. useless. disgusting. nothing. who would love me.

[rcgsdiary]

why

shes not talking to me anymore. my closest friend? could i even call her that?

i dont even know why shes mad.

im pushing him away. im losing myself.

i figured it out. my life purpose. i felt it, now its gone. what do i do.

i started smoking and drinking again. hopefully the xanax comes in soon,,, i dont know if i can continue going to work without it.

i dropped all but one class.

i dont feel happy. it wont come.

everyone tells me itll pass.

im tired of hearing it.

im tired of going about my day. im tired of the expectation of getting better. there is no better from here.

there is no point. there is absolutely nothing.

nothing to live for. nothing to continue for.

i have nothing.

i have nothing.

i am nothing.

i disgust myself. i look at myself and dont know who it is. i sit in my body and dont know who i am.

i remember these dreams i used to have. my kids. whoever they are. people i loved. hurting themselves. dying. i dont even know who they are and they still were taken away.

were those signs?

my body is disgusting. my face swells. i shrink and swell in all the wrong places. i dont even look human.

the bags under my eyes grow deeper and darker.

i feel nothing inside of me. in every way.

its gone. im gone.

i have nothing.

i am nothing.

[rcgsdiary]

again?

okay i didnt update.

it was traumatic.

its been over two weeks. and i think im pregnant again.

[rcgsdiary]

jan 3 2024

im pregnant.

im 4 weeks pregnant. with your child.

i found out today. i called you this morning while i slowly woke up and you snored in my ear.

i was worried. my period is almost a week late. i found a test.. i took it in the bathroom.

the line turned dark red within the first ten seconds. i went numb. i called your name until you woke up.

i called clinics. finally found one that gave me an appointment. this friday.

the news explains so much. my late period. my conflicting moods. my appetite. my sensitivity. the hyperawareness of my stomach.

its not like i could keep it, anyways. ive been drinking like hell recently.

but to be completely honest, i am incredibly sad.

this thing growing inside of me is undeniable proof of us.

i hope the procedure wont hurt too much. i hope you will be there,

i love you. and thank you for being there for me.

i will update after friday.

-rcg

[rcgsdiary]

9

i am in love with you.

genuinely.

it hurts to say that. it hurts to hear what other people think about it. its pathetic, i know.

but i love you.

[rcgsdiary]

8

im hungry, tired, burnt out, and sad.

im scared im pregnant.

obviously i wouldnt keep it, but it makes me sad to think about destroying a being that we created.

it is proof that we are connected. living proof of us.

hopefully my period comes soon.

[rcgsdiary]

7

yesterday was bad, but today was good.

i saw you today.

we spent time together and i didnt even think we would.

i am so happy.

you make me so happy.

i love you.

-rcg

[rcgsdiary]

6

i didnt really do anything today.

i talked to you though.

it made me happy.

[rcgsdiary]

5

i saw you last night. it made me feel a lot better.

apparently, all i need is some dick and my mood gets better.

just kidding,.... we all know its just cuz i was with you.

i felt a lot happier today. things went well today.

i felt happy for the first time in a while.

days like today make me remember why i am going down the career path i have chosen.

i am happy.

i want it to last.

[rcgsdiary]

4

gambled today. it made me feel momentarily better but i came home feeling worse. even though i won a considerable amount.

my thighs have been stinging a lot. i think i cut them up too much. luckily i dont see myself needing to wear shorts anytime soon.

ive been listening to gasoline rainbows a lot. used to be a good song just to watch people dance too, but now i understand what it means.

i hate that every song is about you now.

i wish you felt the way i do. i wish you loved me as much as i love you. even half as much. maybe you'd understand why i act the way i do.

ill probably cut a bit more, get high, then sleep. honestly i blame the birth control for such a dip in my overall mood. but then again, the ocd has been hard to control recently.

i also got rid of all my notifications on my phone- only texts and emails will go through. maybe i should block you on social media. i doubt you would notice too.

i truly just need someone to make me forget about you. i need proof that its possible for me to find someone else.

please prove me wrong. please dont just let it go.

[rcgsdiary]

3

one more post for today.

ive turned off my phone completely and i feel somewhat better, but unfortunately i am but a brainless online scroller and tiktok is what i would use when i was bored.

i need a way to just be able to access tiktok/not get any other notifications.

also being high helps a lot. but weed just isnt cutting it anymore.

i know kratom is great but ive been having trouble finding it. alcohol is out of the question cuz i dont like feeling stomach sick.

i guess we'll have to find out other options.

honestly ive been wanting to just diy a lobotomy but thats too much even for me.

until i find something, ill just be getting high and cutting.

-rcg

[rcgsdiary]

2

today i woke up sad for multiple reasons. i thought i was gonna see someone today but turns out i cant. which is fine. but then i made it a whole thing in my head and now the other person feels guilty for not being able to hang out with me. i feel like ive been actively pushing this person away but im not trying to. and the worst part? they dont really care that im pushing them away.

it hurts a lot. i wish they showed that they cared as much about me as i care about them. (trans: i wish they were as crazy as i am.)

unfortunately that caused a bit of an ocd meltdown. i had to absolutely ruin my thighs to make myself feel better. ill add images later to document. my obsession was that if i didnt hurt myself, i would lose them. i know its stupid, but it feels like i have to and i will sit in crippling anxiety until i carry it out. i dont want to hurt myself, really. i just feel the need to.

i also am feeling incredibly lonely even though i know its my own doing. im pushing people away, and when i see them going out with other friends, i feel lonely. how dumb is that?

ive come to realize that im just that insecure. i need people who will bend at my very request, and if they dont, i feel like they dont care about me.

i need someone who would beg for my attention. someone who isnt too stuck up their ass to be pathetic for me. im sick of being pathetic for other people.

it disgusts me to see the way i act. its like i have no self esteem... oh wait, hahahahahaha.

god im too old to be acting like this. anyways my doctors appointment is coming up on november 3rd. hopefully ill be alive then.

ive been hitting my head on the wall in hopes that ill pass out of completely forget who i am. i wish i wouldnt hold myself back when i self-harmed. then i could actually get the results i need.

if anyone sees this and has any tips on what i should do to forget myself, please reach out to me. i could use some help.

-rcg

[rcgsdiary]

1

hi to absolutely nobody. i have been getting more and more sad these past few weeks and have attempted to end things completely. ive decided that writing will be a good outlet, and also if i am successful in any of my attempts then this could serve as evidence or something. i dont know really.