rebel4114

[rebel4114]

every year on the fourth of july i think of The Sandlot (1993) and never forgive myself for not having a close group of neighborhood friends to have themed block parties and misadventures with. also that movie is lowk TRAGIC and i think we as a public should talk about it more.

[rebel4114]

this is the only time this version of you will ever exist, and there aren’t any do overs.

you will never be five with your family dog in the backyard again. you will never get to say goodbye to them again.

don’t live a passive life: letting everything pass you by in hopes you can do it later (you can��t).

instead acknowledge this is all temporary and live bigger: quit your shitty job, shave your hair, chase that one impossible dream.

don’t leave without at least knowing you tried to live the life you imagined

i believe in you,

good luck

[rebel4114]

emphasis on grief this evening after finding out my beloved pony had passed away at his new home. so, i guess id like to write a note to him.

dear teddy (the bestest boy ever),

i missed you before you left and i searched for you every evening for months after you did. by the time i found you, you were grazing on green pastures with your own little girl (who i know loved you just as much as me). the texas heat was warm on your coat and the thunderstorms were never as scary as at home. i missed you everyday. just like i miss you now.

you’ve earned your rest now my boy. i hope your belly is always full and the pastures are always rolling, that your old muscles are renewed for your new world of exploration.

i don’t know if heaven exists, but if it does i hope to see you again one day (i’ll bring beet pulp in promise).

i love you forever and always,

your #1 fan.

[rebel4114]

i was driving home today and saw something twitching on the side of the road. and after an eight hour shift i turned around and parked to check it out.

in the side grass of the road i found a hare. he was sick, and it was going to be fatal.

even with my standing near him cars sped by without caution and i decided i couldn’t leave him. i didn’t want him to die alone on a busy street. i guess i didn’t want his suffering to be so public and still ignored.

i did what anyone would do, picked him up and drove him home. i tried to give him some comfort, i stroked his fur and sat with him before he was humanely euthanized.

i hope he knows he was cared for, and that he was laid to rest somewhere quiet under a grove of trees. i hope he feels better, as naive as that sounds. mostly, i hope he wasn’t afraid. that maybe his hardwired instincts to avoid death at all costs had failed, and he felt peace even momentarily.

i think i’ll remember him for the rest of my life.

[rebel4114]

i hope my cat knows i love her and that i would give everything for her to always have sweet dreams and a full belly

[rebel4114]

what no one tells you about being gay; specifically lesbian is how isolating it is.

if you’re lucky, you have lesbian friends. if you’re the rest of us; you don’t. other queer people try to relate but their experience never fits yours quite right.

occasionally a guy may try to level with you, talk to you like ‘one of the boys’, but the way they speak about women just ends up making you sick.

but when you sleep, you dream of men. you dream of a normal, easy life. you dance with him at prom, you kiss at an altar, you have kids that look like the both of you.

and then you wake up.

maybe you get nauseous, or just plain guilty. maybe hate your life, or the sexuality you cannot change. you grieve the life you’ll never get.

and there is no one to comfort you. to tell you that your dreams aren’t your feelings. that normal is boring and that easy doesn’t always mean good.

it’s scary, and no one gets it. not because they haven’t experienced similar feelings but because they aren’t a lesbian trying to navigate a heteronormative society hellbent on a male centric power system.

i don’t have any advice. i’m scared and im frustrated with my own sexuality most times. i hate the way i am, and how hard it’s made my life. but this is what i’ve got. i wrote this for you to be seen just as much as for me to be heard. because, no one likes to talk about the built-in shit.

[rebel4114]

how long does it take for something beautiful to become normal? if someone took my place would they see the flickering city lights or flashing stars?would the evening traffic become a rush of shared tribulation rather than a minor inconvenience?

when i see lush hills and mountains is it nothing more than an annoying hill? do the winding rivers flood the church basements? does the contemplative silence become too loud?

what do they see, what do i see, and where is the reality between them?

[rebel4114]

whoever started the trend that girlhood is this dainty gorgeous feeling is so wrong.

girlhood is biting and scratching. it’s ripping the knees of leggings after a nasty fall, and giggling at the bruise.

girlhood is the first time you learn to talk back against the boys at recess. When they spit, you spit further.

girlhood is tough and badass, coy and cunning.

when we grow, we lose our rough edges and gain the signature trepidation. we forget how to scratch and spit, how to display a particularly nasty bruise.

no more biting tongues or playing manners. remember the time you ate shit and got back up. or when you beat the guys at their own damn game. that is true girlhood.

do not let people diminish your skills, your bark for the sake of their own success. go out there and take it. we have waited long enough.

[rebel4114]

my identity as lesbian has introduced me to one of the purest and most unique forms of love. sometimes though, i hate being lesbian.

i want to party and flirt around. i want to go to homecoming at a religious school. i want to send photos to my grandparents.

but i can’t.

a ‘rough time’ would be an apt description.

most people believe homophobia and coming out are the only problems that plague lesbian people, but gender roles especially for women are engraved in society are equally if not more damaging than the obvious answer of homophobia.

this is amplified and demonstrated by the epitome of lesbian existence: men constantly questioning your identity and challenging it.

as less and less people identify as lesbian* this experience is often ‘brushed under the rug’ on the scale of LGBTQ issues.

in regards to a solution, i got nothing! if i did, i promise i’d share. instead my intent was just to point this out and see how other people experience it. relationship with identity is hard and any and all advice is appreciated, it’s hard out here and we need to stick together.

thanks for reading this far and giving me your time💕

* not that other identities are a problem, our community has to stick together! this is just referencing the lesbian specific community in my local area.

[rebel4114]

i <3 this. also i think the fafsa causes at least eight divorces yearly

i am a being capable of immeasurable love and whimsy

[rebel4114]

[rebel4114]

i am sitting in the car, waiting for my hair appointment to begin.

Absorbed in sappy tumblr posts, the radio playing from my stereo.

The windows are rolled up as a precaution, a wall against judgement from my subpar music taste.

then, someone waves. i only see their shadow in my peripheral; a quick flicker.

when i look up no one is there.

instead, a tree waves in the wind— dead leaves still dangle from her branches. They’re a season too late.

with no person to concern me i return to my phone and continue doom scrolling, and i see someone in my peripheral again.

the tree waggles, a desperate plea that someone; maybe me, would come sit against her trunk, begin a piece of art or maybe read a book. one day someone would carve names into the trunk and she would become more than a sidewalk ornament.

instead, my hair appointment begins and i leave the car. the tree still sways, looking out at a pavemented wasteland, and wonders how long she has left, when she’ll be next.

[rebel4114]

[rebel4114]

loss.

it’s the day your whole world stopped spinning, and no one else’s did. the neighbor will still walk the dog, the mail will still come on time, the sun will keep shining and life goes on.

still, you find yourself trapped in the funeral home, the vets office or the cemetery. the person/pet you miss is gone and you’ll never see them again.

you blame your inattention, your busy schedule, you curse the time you spent away from them. maybe you’re mad the world keeps going, that you have work or school the next day.

time will pass and the initial feelings will fade. maybe the depression lessens and you feel guilty that you don’t grieve as heavily. like you’re leaving them behind.

then, on a sunny saturday afternoon, or a tuesday morning, the grief washes back in. perhaps it’s a their jacket, or their collar, even a favorite perfume. and it feels just like that first day.

—

if that’s relatable, yeah, me too. grief has a way of sneaking up on us. i wish i had some advice, wise words of shared experience, but i don’t. it’s a struggle everyday, just remember you aren’t alone in it.