recording-this-journey

[recording-this-journey]

So one of the weirdest trauma meets trans things is the little reasons why I don't want top surgery.

And that's because outside of the dysphoria and the couple of years as a teenager where I was catcalled; my chest has actually been a safety mechanism.

It's not a secret I'm a victim of csa, but for me it stopped and was stopping or at least not happening as often, just before I started developing boobs.

So I don't associate them with that.

I also don't associate them with a lot of my adult or teen life traumas because I don't see them as why I was assaulted, because to my brain that's rarely a key part of the assault and the two times I tend to think of where it was, they weren't a core feature just a traumatic ending.

So like, I don't really associate my chest with bad things.

In fact I use it as a safety mechanism; how people react to my chest tells me a lot about a person and their behaviour and intentions come out very quickly because of it.

And I don't actually want to lose that.

I want bottom surgery, there's a part of me that wants phalloplasty but is medically unsure if that's safe for me.

But I don't know if I completely want them gone.

Part of me would just like to go to a B or C cup so I could wear binders and different shirts and be okay.

I wish that was actually an option tho bc I would take it

[recording-this-journey]

Just saying as a trans man; the T induced hot flashes during summer are a fucking bitch.

I'm sweating like crazy and it's not fun.

Like; I want to share a single bed with my boyfriend tonight but I'm so so fucking hot and it's humid af and I am hot and sweaty and all my clothes are black.

Y'all I'm a goth; I don't have a lot of summer clothes because I outgrew them with T muscle growth and fat redistribution and now all I have is a handful of thinned out winter clothes I've been stretching out for years because I liked slightly oversized clothes in my late teens because I could adjust them to my bust better.

And now they've grown again and the under bust sweat is hell sensory wise, I just want to dunk myself in cold water and brew in florals because it's so refreshing and such a good move...

But I can't, because it's Christmas Eve and my ass has to do all the cleaning I've been procrastinating. Fuck.

[recording-this-journey]

It's now almost 7 months on T.

Here's my update. My voice has dropped significantly.

No one told me this so I will tell y'all this; if you have ADHD or Autism, the struggles that come with puberty changing how your condition presents will happen again. I was not prepared to feel the need to go non-verbal and rock and fidget and all the things that impact my life having both of those, getting super intense again without warning. This time I have strategies, routines and money for fidgets.

My blood pressure is a problem again, but that might be winter. I'm getting new compression socks bc I almost passed out after a bath again.

Take a bone supplement, you need calcium and bones become weak fast when your vitamin and minerals are off. Or I might have arthritis, either way check in with your doctor and consider a bone supplement.

My periods are lighter and more regular, I spot regularly and am honestly just really really used to it now.

My body changes are now 'I have no jeans, I have 4 shirts, I have to wear a bra because the binder I got doesn't fit now.'

Bottom growth stopped and then started again. It randomly became painful. CottonOn has the best briefs for now irritating bottom growth. And if you're like me and stopped shaving to prevent dysphoria you may also like me end up considering shaving again after the bottom growth hits a certain length where it becomes painful to have it hit hair.

Acne is a bitch. I'm so sorry. You'll need a good quality moisturiser, it's the only extra thing I found actually makes a difference for me but I did also start triple cleansing again.

Wash everything with soap multiple times and seriously, wash in between hairs well. I also love baths now, they're great. Hated them over showering before but I care less now; however that could be how clean my sisters bathroom is post renovations.

Earwax is annoying, it increases, cotton buds will absolutely make it worse, don't be a full talk to your doctor and get the ear wax cleaners they use for swimmers ear when it gets bad.

You're going through fast tracked puberty, give yourself some grace, eat well and accept your body changes as they come. Tell your family the comments on weight are inappropriate annoying and unwelcome. And fuck their comments cause you look hot af and they're likely stuck in outdated diet culture. You will likely gain weight on T, it's a good thing, embrace it and enjoy it and work your way slowly through workouts to build muscle strength so you can rival the cis boys in the gym with endurance and bassery. Or my motivation, to be a kickass dad to the worlds cutest babies in 15 years.

[recording-this-journey]

I had a breakthrough.

So I've been working on the 'healing your inner child' thing; and it hit me… I've always been a little people pleaser. And as a little kid, like 4-6 I kept trying different hobbies to be told that I couldn't do them because I was a girl. (Because in 2005 there was no women's AFL team, I couldn't do the same ballet that a male ballerina would, I couldn't play soccer with the boys I had to play with girls team and not on the same club my big brother was a ref for, I couldn't do boys scouts, etc. please if you're younger realise I was 11 before most clubs were actually mixed genders)

So I was a trans kid, who was told very quickly that it didn't matter what I wanted, I wasn't allowed to be a boy or do 'boy things' despite a genuine love for them (including trucks, trains and dinosaurs). I wasn't allowed to get dirty or rap or climb trees or be the things I wanted.

I had to be a girl and I was constantly compared to every other girl and my older sister and nothing I did was ever good enough so I tried so hard to be as close to the kind of woman I thought I could be without wanting to die all the time, but girly enough I wasn't a disappointed.

So when I started journaling tonight, trying to work out how to do things for my inner child, I realised I was still working from the mindset of an older kid who'd absolutely given up on being loved authentically and was just trying to fit in and be girly enough. I need to give little little me the affection they didn't have; the dinosaurs and the insects and trains and the experiences they were so jealous of their brothers for.

Boomers and terfs talk so much shit about forcing little boys to be girls, like they didn't do that to so many trans kids by forcing ridiculous gender roles into everything.

I just wanted to be a fucking kid, I could've been a little non-binary boy who would've loved the adventures and the arts if they hadn't insisted on gender roles.

And I'm so angry and protective for the kid I was and future kids like him.

We all fucking deserved better.

[recording-this-journey]

So I have a handful of clothes from pre-transition that were kept as 'just in case' things or sentimental reasons.

Including a dress I kept partly for 'having to pretend I'm a girl' and partly the whole 'it's comfy and I usually wear it to sleep in'

So last night my pjs were in the wash so I decided I needed to pull it out to sleep because it's winter and cold af and this is a maxi dress.

Anyway, I've been avoiding mirrors because last time I wore it I got a lot of dysphoria from looking super fem. But I looked in the mirror and T is a magical thing because I actually look like a boy in a dress. Like I adore this dress and wearing it doesn't make me look less masc.

And maybe it's where I am with embracing femininity again because I don't feel the need to over compensate for a perceived lack of masculinity (I still do actually feel like I need to, just no where near as much as when I started transitioning).

But this post is really just to acknowledge that I not only still look good in a dress, I actually look like myself in a dress now.

[recording-this-journey]

I HAVE MY T GEL!!!!!!!

I was really anxious last night about what I wanted and if I'm making the right choice... etc.

But the second I got the script I wanted to happy cry and was just so relieved.

And actually getting the gel was even better and I'm so so freaking happy.

I get to apply it tomorrow morning (I'm having tea and T over the phone with my best friend).

There's just this massive relief with having it and feeling like my first fight is over.

Even if I never get top surgery, I get to have T and that's so so calming and comforting.

[recording-this-journey]

So, an update.

I got an appointment with a different specialist, I saw her a few days ago and once I get a blood test, I have another appointment where I'll start gel and once we have an idea of my dosage I'll move to shots.

I'm nervous and excited about it.

I also should be getting my marina this week, if my covid test comes back negative and if I get the results back before my appointment.

If not, I call the clinic and apologise a lot on Monday afternoon. (My appointment is on Wednesday, but I have to go to the hospital for a blood test on Tuesday for the marina anyway, idk why, I didn't really have the time to ask).

But between those two things, it's looking up.

I'm excited af about it all, but currently in a flare so exhausted.

I'll update again soon.

[recording-this-journey]

My endocrinologist appointment has been moved for the third time today.

I feel cursed and pissed off and just fucking exhausted.

I don't know what to do anymore and I just don't know how much I even care... I'm just over it.

All my excitement has worn off because I'm so frustrated at the process and I'm not coping.

I start anxiety meds next week, I have therapy next Thursday... but coping until Monday feels impossible when I just want to bottle myself up and scream.

This part fucking sucks.

Edit:

The appointment was meant to be tomorrow.

It was originally meant to be a month ago, it got changed to the 15th of July and then to the 22nd of July.

And now, the day before, is being moved again.

I just want to start T already and be able to live my life.

[recording-this-journey]

So this weekend, I came out to both of my brothers.

Now my whole family knows.

I have my endocrinologist appointment in 2 days and 8 hours.

My life is finally starting to look up and I'm so so happy.

On Friday, I went to a friends 33rd, she's trans and I was surrounded by trans ppl a decade older than me. And they were happy and living and hilarious and comforting. And for the first time I felt seen and I felt hopeful and validated. I came home and came out to my little brother.

On Saturday I recovered...

On Sunday I went to a picnic with other trans and queer individuals. And same thing, I just felt loved and comfortable and like life would get better. As we left, I texted my older brother and he called me on the way home and I came out to him.

So I'm fully out and I'm happy.

And soon will be starting T. 😊

[recording-this-journey]

Packer update:

I brought the small and the medium archer packer in cashew. Because I brought the small and then was like 'it feels potentially too small, let's size up'.

For context: I'm just under 5'2 and I'm a tiny person in every way. I originally brought the small because I was afraid the medium would be too big.

I like them both for different reasons and actually switch between which I wear and when. I also don't wear packing underwear. Partly because it was more expensive, but also because I didn't like the fabric, styles and patterns.

So I wear my packer usually between my normal underwear and my trunks. I also tend to wear tight fitting pants.

I find that when I go to the bathroom I have to be aware of my packer and remember to remove it before pulling my pants up because I dropped it twice and learnt my lesson (I tend to put it in my pocket and now sing what my friends and I refer to as my 'packer song' that goes 'I have a 🍆 have a 🍆 in my pocket' to the tune of 'I've got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine').

I find the smaller one doesn't tend to show in my clothing as much but relieves my dysphoria a lot so I use it when I can't really be out but just need to feel like myself.

The medium sized however is my favourite but is so uncomfortable in my womens jeans because I have no crotch space. Which means I really need to buy some new jeans. But it's the perfect size, it fits well, it looks right in clothing, it took me a while to work out how to position it because despite seeing so many amab people naked, I never analysed where the 🍆 sits on the body and had to really think over my experiences to work out where I felt most comfortable with mine sitting on my body.

Once I worked out how and where I like it on me; I found my pants finally look right, I feel more comfortable and because I'm tagging this as nsfw anyway, I took a lot more 18+ kinda photos for my partner with the medium size... she also got videos. I was genuinely just feeling really good about myself with this packer. It doesn't match my skintone great, it's very pink and I'm olive toned and pale, I tan well but I'm pale atm. So I find myself using filters on my photos and videos to make it 'match better' as a comfort thing for myself. Because tbh, while I sent them to my partner, I really took them for myself. I just thrive of the validation of her calling me her 'Sexy as fuck future husband.'

I want to note; they pick up so much lint and hair and just everything. But, I wash them in the shower with hot water and a cream facial cleanser and it comes up great. I also was originally powdering them which stopped them picking up everything, but I'm really prone to yeast infections which trigger my dysphoria (my vagina doesn't normally set me off too much, I don't mind it. But yeast infections and my period are my kryptonite) and I was finding that when I powder it I was more likely to get one because it was just another layer and it was trapping sweat and stopping things breathing so I stopped that and decided I would just live with the lint. I think some people use corn starch and that would probably be okay but I was using a talc based powder and my body didn't like that.

I'm also using reusable pads for periods currently and I haven't had mine since I brought my packer and I'm expecting it soonish; but I think that they aren't going to be a problem next to each other. I actually think the grip on the back of the pads and how I position them will hold my packer in place better and stop it sliding down during the day.

So that's where I'm at on the packers and I'll probably do other updates as I learn things and so in a few years I can look back on these and be like 'Look how far I've come' and remember exactly what it was like.

[recording-this-journey]

NSFW:

You would think as someone who's had sex with several AMAB individuals, I would be able to work out where to position my packer best.

But I can't and I don't feel like asking anyone in my life that question.

I have two cis men and at least three trans women who would tell me how to accurately position it, 4 of these people I've dated, all 5 of whom I've seen naked… and I just don't feel comfortable asking them this. Like I've sent two of them photos of my packer, made dick jokes with four of them since before I even got it… and I just don't feel comfortable asking.

I also feel like this will be less awkward when I have one of my best friends here and I'll ask her if I'm positioning it right (she's also trans, an ex and this women cuddled me as I cried about man pants for two hours. If there's anyone I'm comfortable with actually fixing it and discussing it with me, it's her).

But also, packers are weird when you've had time to overanalyse the body of AMAB individuals, af least a third of whom are cis... Because I know the positioning of actual balls and an actual penis… and um, this isn't it. I can't emulate that easily.

It does help my dysphoria so much tho and standing in the shower holding my packer against my body like I was actually born with the right body made me cry so much. It also made me feel comfortable while wearing a dress because it actually felt like being a man in a dress. Which isn't a bad thing, it's just a thing to me.

Also feeling it as I walk and do things, like it's great. I did realise that unfortunately I'm the right height to constantly hit it on things but that's life I guess.

But also, my mum walked in after my shower to tell me she was going shopping. I was on my bed in a towel and texting my girlfriend. My mum gave me a weird look. It wasn't until after she left, I realised that my pentacle oracle cards and my small but realistic enough packer were sitting side by side on my mini table and my Christian mother saw them.

I don't know if she'll comment on it. 😂

Awkward but hilarious and I didn't expect to have an awkward packer moment this early in my transition.

[recording-this-journey]

I brought a packer.

I actually brought two but my second one isn't here yet.

And so far… I understand what everyone meant by 'they shift a lot' I'm a wheelchair user and it still does.

But I also never realised how dysphoric I was about not having a dick. And now I'm here with trunks and a packer and being like 'Fuck, this feels right.'

I always assumed that I'd want metoidoplasty because it wasn't my main source of dysphoria, but I'm reconsidering that because actually phalloplasty might relieve a dysphoria that I never clicked how painful it is to live with.

Also; my packer is the Archer one, I got a small because I'm 5'2 and absolutely tiny, but also because I was scared a bigger one would be too big.

I ordered the medium because I feel like it's actually a bit small on me but it won't arrive until after the 11th so I'll update that then.

[recording-this-journey]

I was asked not to come out until after Easter.

Easter ends tonight.

Tomorrow morning I text my older brother saying 'Hey, when you're not busy, can you call me. It's important but it's not urgent.'

And then wait with impending doom for the phone to ring so I can come out. Then after come out to my youngest brother.

In the mean time… I'm having a depressive meltdown and avoiding dinner because if I get called 'Aunty Ash' instead of just Ash one more time I will cry and loose my shit.

But my packer arrives tomorrow, so should the six pairs of mens underwear, I didn't buy packing underwear because I figured I have sewing skills if I need to fix them.

And I'm starting a small business, so I'm a little broke and going to struggle to buy clothes because I have new expenses. My business has nothing to do with being trans, it's a pagan business but it's something I'm going through right now so it's important to me.

I want to be happy. That means being out and moving out probably. Here's to hoping it gets better.

[recording-this-journey]

Updates and things;

I have been referred to the endocrinologist, I'm looking forward to that appointment with all my heart and soul.

I haven't come out to my brothers but am aiming to do that before Easter... so by next Sunday. Lord help me because my mother doesn't know I'm intending to do that.

And some cute things:

This morning I couldn't sleep and my girlfriend woke up and called me (it was like 5am for me, 8am for her). I was telling her how I don't like waking her up when I can't sleep or I have nightmares even tho I get her to call me if she's struggling.

And she goes 'Ash, wake me up! You're my boyfriend and I love you and I'm here to support you too baby.'

I started crying because it's the most casually she's ever called me her boyfriend and she'd only been up maybe 30min.

I also realised my sister thinks my gp is a DID specialist but I also don't feel like clarifying until I have to, because I'm not going to see a DID specialist because 1. They don't bulk bill 2. I'm happy with my current therapist 3. I have my system under control.

I'm getting there now. And it feels weird but good. I'm starting to really feel like myself.

[recording-this-journey]

A few things; I came out to my dad. He took it okay, but we'll see how it goes. Now I just have to come out to my brothers.

The other thing is my 1am internal spiral.

I miss being 'one of the boys'. I use to have a group of friends that were mostly guys and I always struggled to fit in because I tended to lean hyper fem so no one would realise I'm trans and have to face potentially coming out before I was actually safe to.

I'm not part of that group for non trans related reasons, but fuck it hit hard that I just have no guy friends anymore and I don't know how to fit in. Especially with straight men who just have never stepped outside the box of normal.

I just realised how absolutely isolating this is being surrounded by women constantly because while I get exactly where they're coming from because I've been there… They don't get this.

They don't get trying to find a balance of masculinity and fitting in and trying to have manly enough interests and wondering how to fit in with other men and be interesting and fun and have the weird experiences men get to have while young that I didn't for the most part.

Hell I'm currently just struggling to reconnect with my sexuality since coming out. Being bi is a weird trip of emotions and judgment when seen as a girl, the mixed emotions and fears of judgment it brings up as a man tho is so different. It definitely clears up why my parents homophobia felt like a personal attack growing up tho.

Finding myself and finding safe places to explore my identity and who I am now is really hard and I don't know what to do about any of it. I don't know how to be myself, I've never been myself fully before. So what does that look like now?

I went from so excited to start T soon because I want to see myself finally after years of waiting for this and praying my PCOS would give me facial hair (I would cause PCOS flares to grow a faint moustache. I have it atm tbh.) to scared to start T because I don't know what my future looks like or how to even begin construction of my life as a man when I didn't get the chance to be a boy.

How the hell do I catch up on two decades of missing life experience when I have the same internalised misogyny issues mixed with the trauma of being raised fem for 22 years?

I'm going to have to work it out eventually.

[recording-this-journey]

t*rfs also like to twist the fact that there’s little long-term medical research into transitioning (for both trans women and trans men) in order to abuse and frighten trans men into detransitioning (which, btw, often leads to the suicidal depression that dysphoria causes and transitioning alleviates!)

[recording-this-journey]

I intend on coming out to my dad tomorrow.

And now I can't sleep because I'm scared of being disowned and because I don't feel prepared for this.

I'm fucking terrified of losing family again because of something that's not my fault and out of my control.