recoveringniceguy

[recoveringniceguy]

Letting go...........

I think this is what my wife is doing or at least trying to do. Its like being with a Jekyl and Hyde persona. She cant bear to be near me yet im required to do all the things I did as a matter of course in our relationship.

Going back to my first marriage, when we broke up, it took a while for that process to play out where I would be there to sweep up instead of letting them fall. I mentioned im my previous post and how me having a great time on holiday got back to the UK and she got upset and was texting/calling to have a go at me. You can't have it both ways.

An episode happened recently in my current marriage where my potential reactions to a situation that hadn't yet materialised were called out. She feared that I would end up doing something that would cause a rift in our marriage. A couple of months later, she ended up pretty much doing the exact thing that she feared I would do. It led to a massive bust-up. I couldn't understand the hypocrisy of it.

Since we have separated, we have tried to have conversations, but they always end in a dead end or a spiral. Therapy made some headway, but my wife didn't like the line of questions being asked or having to stand in the opposite person's shoes and see things from their point. So she ended it.

So, we are in this situation where, because we are still cohabiting, that she is choosing to deliberately be mean to me yet to the kids, she is all sweetness! The other day, she said that she had been crying all day and it didn't have to be this way. I'm in agreement it doesn't have to be this way. You have a choice. Everyone has a choice. Sometimes, you have to let go.

Letting go isn't just letting go of someone. You can let go of an emotion. Especially a corrosive emotion. It is harder to hold on to negative thoughts than not to have them. At least, that is my viewpoint.

I'm at the stage where I also have a choice. Do I let her go. It is what she says that she wants, after all. Even though to do so would be hypocritical on one of her reasons for separating, even though she says it would put her in a worse place than me. The counter-choice being, she says, is that she stays and nothing changes, and she has to live with the reminder of the last period of time.

She says that she can not forgive me for what I have done. Hello, neither of us has covered ourselves in glory and are equally to blame for fucking up our marriage. Again, im not going to go into detail right now, so you will have to believe me when I say that neither of us is blameless, and I accept full responsibility for my part to play in this. My reactions to some situations were infused with emotions getting the better of me.

I have not made my choice. I have told her that regardless of whether we stay together or not, we need to sit and talk. We need to work on ourselves, and it's better to have a supportive sponsor rather than throw 20+ years of friendship and love away just like that.

Let's make a logical decision. Let's weigh up the pros and cons. Let's take a look back at the positive experiences and pit them against the negatives.

What is it each of us gains or loses? Do we want to sit in uncertainty, or do we want to for once in our god damn life's work out a plan!

Of course, this can still be either alone or together.

[recoveringniceguy]

Why am I the way that I am? Why do I behave in the manner that I have done? What was so wrong with that behaviour when you have so much going for you? What would your life have been like if you didn't act in the way that you did?

What.....if?

Ever since the event, no in fact even at times preceeding it it was brought up, one of the barbs being used is "I regret not leaving you back then" to something that happened a year into our marriage. My initial response was to ask that do you regret our children then? It was an emotional response to an emotional outburst. Logically, if she did leave, we wouldn't have our beautiful children. We wouldn't have gone through the emotional turmoil and trauma of having them. How could you say such a hurtful thing?

For an age, I was in denial that an inappropriate yet non-sexual relationship wasn't cheating or embarking on an affair. Call it the Bill Clinton line of denial. Yet, yes, I engaged with someone who was not my wife. She was someone that wasnt part of our friends group but after meeting managed to make her way into that group and seemed to be everywhere when we were out from that moment forward. At first, the attention was great. My ego got the better of me. I was flattered.

Then, as this flirting got heavier, I realised that this wasn't what I wanted. I had been married before, and my previous wife had cheated on me with someone who was supposed to be a friend, and it crushed me as I had already taken her back once before. For context, we met young, got married young, and perhaps were fighting a losing battle from the start. We eventually sparated amicably and are friends now to this day 25 plus years later.

When we divorced, i went on a two year period of self-destructive behaviour. I was out every weekend and sometimes three times a week. I slept around and generally acted like a shit. I almost got sacked at work and probably should have been but was saved by a boss who stuck his neck out for me. Then something happened to the one thing that kept me grounded. I was away on a heavy holiday and came back the worst for wear. Went to pick up on the thing only to find that it was gone. My world was shattered. The thing that helped keep me sane was taken away [in truth, I let it slip through my hands], and I was lost. I went home to my folks house and didn't leave my old room for a month.

I went into therapy but only took a mild interest in it, and six weeks later, I was back and better than ever, albeit with my handbrake on and my libido in check. I met someone that helped me out of that behaviour, but in truth, I was just using her for stability. Then I met my wife.

I had never met anyone like her. She was beautiful but very self-deprecating. Feisty, yet kind. Classic without being showy. But she made me wait. She wasnt like most of the women I had met through this period, and I was massively attracted to that.

My wife was [is] my love, and I couldn't bear to hurt her in the way that I had been hurt previously. So I said to the third party, "I'm sorry if I misled you, but nothing is going to happen between us. I love my wife". She was not having that. Wouldn't take no for an answer. I had to tell my close friends to watch her and make sure that nothing happened. I had to hide sometimes when I was out. She would send messages and wouldn't leave me alone threatening to tell everyone, including my wife.

I couldn't bear it any longer, and I came clean to my wife, and naturally, rightly, she got mad. We fought, and I spent the next couple of nights out of the home. Eventually, we made up, and I vowed not to do anything to hurt her in that way again. Unfortunately, as with most friends' groups, sides were taken and we had to continue to deal with the fall out of my indiscretion. Because of my reputation, what was said to have happened was believed. I swept it under the carpet and tried to move on by ignoring it. It was my way of dealing with things I was ill equipped to deal with except it wasnt a conscious choice.

I just did what I had always done in difficult situations.....nothing. I hid in plain sight. When we were out, I would hide behind my wife or my friends. I was stunted. Before, everyone knew me as this confident (arrogant) outgoing character who was always there. I would support my friends and be there at their moments. It was partly the reason I put myself into a breakdown.

Most of my group of friends I had made after the break-up of my first marriage. When I met my first wife, I had pretty much deserted the group of friends I had then. Like most friends' groups I had had, I always felt that I was the spare wheel. Always the outsider. The one tbat had to make the effort. Then I met my first wife, and she was part of the cool crowd, part of the people in the scene. Why would she be interested in me? In truth, she was very similar to me. Both brought up well, although from very different backgrounds. Both outsiders. Where we met was a melting pot of outsiders. The misfits but not really misfits in the sense of what you would immediately think of as a misfits it more the middle class repressed background type of misfit. The ones that were generally good kids by day brought up with strong morals, a strong work ethic and a sense of what was right. By night we'd hang out with others who had a rebellious streak with the handbrake on.

I'd seen the bad behaviour my brother brought back home and inflicted on my parents so when I did the same as him I left it on the doorstep never bringing it home and upsetting my folks. I hid my behaviour when in truth I wasnt really doing anything wrong or hurting others. I was ashamed that if they found out I'd have let them down.

I throw myself into this relationship. Not quite a puppy dog but it was always her first over mates. My mates got really arsey i think one of them fancied her or may have had something with her before me, I dont know for sure. But, after we got together I never hung out with my mates again. We started to move in different circles but really it was just her and me. We had our other friends but nothing really stable. A year or so later, we moved in together and got married a few years later. It was a great day and a great party. They always were.

My family never really took to her, and there was lots of conflict. They were helpful but not really. My brother moved to the US and got married. He had a kid, got divorced, deported, and then got seriously ill all before we got married. None of this really changed him or his way with me. I was stable, I was the good kid, I had a regular job, beautiful girlfriend/wife, and I got away with the things he didn't. I took her side. Didn't challenge my folks and generally kept my own distance. I think I only visited my brother once when he was in hospital.

She was supportive, as was i her. I was probably too helpful. She had a strong work ethic yet couldn't hold down a job for any real length of time. I supported her with whatever she chose to do. Helped her out when she was struggling because you know that's what partners do, right? Would always boost their confidence and stood by her in tough times. But she was beautifully broken, and I was trying to fix her and our future.

I placed my happiness on her happiness. It was a futile task. Starting to see a pattern here?

Anyway, she cheated on me and I took her back. We carried on for a while but then she did the same with someone who was supposed to be our friend. To be fair to her, she came to me and said that we shouldn't be together because she wasn't right for me. Her problems should not be my problems. We separated, but were still close for a good while after that. I would be the first person she called if she needed help. I would drop everything to be there.

I fought for her because i didn't want to be seen as a failure. I had married her (other than because I loved her) because I thought I had to by the time we did. We had to own property because that was what I thought was expected. I thought I had to conform to what was expected, yet was I happy, or were the people i was trying to appease happy? Yes, of course, we had many happy times. Had we been more mature, we probably would have survived. But, we cut ties, and I was broken.

I realise that I said earlier that we separated amicably, and yes,we did. I had kind of given up. Fool me once, etc. I did not want to have bad blood. Im not that kind of person. It is harder to carry around hate than not to. Yet, it wasn't all plain sailing. The life we led and the circles we kept meant that we would be aware of each other's actions. I remember being away just after our divorce was confirmed, and I was at the start of my self-destructive period. I was young(ish), free and single, and I was on the first holiday as a single guy for about 10 years. I was going to have fun!

I had bumped into a mutual friend and ended up hanging out with him for a few days. I was enjoying myself. However, this got back to the UK and I started getting calls and texts from my ex. Hang on a second, we're divorced why do you care what I do?

I'm going to leave this here for now as whilst I write this, im reminding myself of something that happened recently with my current relationship, and it has made me think, and I need to process this further.

[recoveringniceguy]

When someone wants me to explain my emotions but I've been the listener all my life.

[recoveringniceguy]

Day One....or is it Day One 2.0...3.0....4.0?

Reset. Renew. Refresh. Reevaluate. Reconnect.......Rewire!

How many times do we try again. Usually we do the same thing because that's what we know. That's how we have been wired. How we have wired ourselves to act. How did I act? I tried to do everything right to please.

Who was I trying to please? The person opposite me. The person who bullied me, the person who raised me, the person who paid me, the person who loved me. Everyone except me. Was I unhappy? No, not always. Was my life awful? Far from it. Was i healthy? Generally, yes. I have unhealthy habits (other than people pleasing, of course) but a little bit i'm moderation doesn't kill you they say.

People would probably look at me and think, he's done alright for himself. Good career, great [immediate] family, nice house, secure. What does he have to worry about. They'd say "yeah, he's a great guy always willing to help out. He's such a nice guy".

He was Nice.

Recently my wife and I went into couples counselling after we fu*cked up and got stupid. A situation got out of hand and I tried to stop it and get us back on the right path. I made a decision that was based on logic whilst dealing with emotion. Now, you may think that a logical decision usually is thoughtful, measured with all the outcomes, pros, cons mapped out. Yeah, no. It was an irrational, impulsive decision. I won't go into detail just now. Not sure if I will go into it, it's not relevant or helpful at this moment.

On the second session the therapist asked us what was it that first attracted you to each other. I took a breath and reeled off about half a dozen things with a lump in my throat. My wife sat there and after a while said "He was nice".......

Wow! 20 plus years together because I was nice.

That hurt. Really hurt.

We were already struggling to talk without the conversation descending into argument but in the car ride back home I hardly said a word. A few days later I was speaking with a friend who was in a much worse relationship situation than I was and was trying to rebuild his life. He told me about a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" - Dr Robert Glover and that I should read it.

He'd gone on this voyage of discovery and had been on these Alpha Male self-help therapies. Not the Andrew Tate hyper misogynistic type but along those lines. I've already been in therapy for the best part of three years after a significant life event really tested the foundations of my marriage and the pair of us had really got to know each other better and, for a while, had never been closer. So, I'm very open to self-reflection and care.

I listened to the book. Kept rewinding it. Playing passages from it over and over and almost cried at points. A lot of the testimonies really resonated with me. Admittedly, there are passages that I thought we so far from my truth. But, it made a lot of sense as to some of my traits and behaviours.

I'd thought whats so wrong in making people happy, being nice. Its a good trait right? Sure. It is a great trait. It is until you realise that it's an impossible task.

This is where we're at for now. I could go on. I have a lot to say but does anyone really want to hear a "woah is me" sob story from a self entitled middle class wan£er like me?

We'll see. Like most Nice Guy's I can lack follow through and commitment. Instead of highlighting my mistakes I'll bury them. I'll cover them up for fear of being found out and disspointing everyone.

Like most Nice Guys I have a lot of internalised shame and guilt and this has led to me to act in certain ways. Not all of them being Nice.

So, if im back in a couple of days, weeks, hours with more than hopefully I'm making a positive break from those behaviours.