rkjongin-blog

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I just wanna make you love me ♫

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( txt ) jealous? why would u be jealous of me? ( txt ) i guess u have a point there... ( txt ) i still want to become an idol i just... idk... i kinda needed to find myself for a while ( txt ) am i happy... no and yes ( txt ) no because i miss everyone at nova, yes because i have a little more freedom with my life idk

(’ well, he couldn’t say jaebum wasn’t someone sincere because he was. there wasn’t much of an age gap between them but somehow jongin felt so much older than the years that weighed his body and made him sigh more than often; it was almost bright to get texts from the younger male like that)

[ text to jaeb ] because of what you just said. you’re free and we’re kinda stuck here, doing the same things over and over. i miss that sometimes.

[ text to jaeb ] i do hope you find yourself and more. you’re talented, it’d be a pity to lose that in the future. 

[ text to jaeb ] well, do not miss everyone like that. you should text them and set up dates. don’t tell me you already did that and i’m the last one.

[ text to jaeb ] i’ll be offended. but i’ll understand in the end. 

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( txt ) jongin hyung i ( txt ) are u mad at me for leaving? ( txt ) i didnt mean it...

(’ mad? he thought about it for more than one minute and it actually made him smile - well, a hint of it at least. no, he wasn’t mad or angry, he was just...it was hard to explain properly)

[ text to jaeb ] i’m not mad at you. maybe a little jealous.

[ text to jaeb ] of course you meant it. maybe nova wasn’t what you were expecting to find. or perhaps you just don’t want to become an idol.

[ text to jaeb ] if you ask me it’s losing talent that you do have. are you happy out of the company?

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❝ routine __ yoona

Jongin knew he was the option, or maybe he was the choice, the one that Yoona was going for as soon as he heard the one task that had been given to them that week: to find a dance partner, preferably of the opposite sex and create a dance routine, enough to please the coaches, enough to be better than any other trainee around.

On any other time, that would have been piece of cake, knowing how well their chemistry had been through the years before they became trainees and now as company partners but right now, he wasn’t sure. It wasn’t her fault, of course because Yoona was probably the most talented girl he knew out there but he couldn’t say the same about himself lately.

Jongin thought hard about going to the coaches, trying to make them understand that he could do as well dancing solo as he would have done with a partner but as soon as Yoona’s eyes found his from across the dance practice room he let out a tired sigh. There was no way he could say no to her.

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( txt ) jongin hyung, it's me jaebum! jeffrey!!! :)

(' of course he knew who was messaging him but he wanted in a way torture the young male, for leaving the company and everything behind, since he was so talented. It was a pity, but who was he to judge one's feelings?)[ text to jaeb ] i dont know any jeffrey. Are you sure you're texting the right person?(' five minutes later he sent another text) [ text to jaeb ] you abandoned the boat. I should grill your legs for the barbecue.

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( txt ) jongin hyung ♥

[ text to jaeb ] who are you?

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The frown was obvious on his forehead as the door opened and a familiar face entered his booth. It intensified when she sat beside him and Jongin sighed, the urge to just shove her away and lock the door made him grip the microphone tighter, to the point his knuckles were getting white.

“It’s not empty, Soojung, go find another place for you to be.”

It wasn’t his intention to be that harsh or maybe it was, he didn’t pay enough attention to that anyway, he went there to be left alone. Having another person sharing the same spot as him meant talking that meant questions and would lead to stuff he didn’t want to do.

Talk.

He stopped singing immediately, the hint of a headache coming to threaten his peace as he stretched his legs over the small table again and closed his eyes, briefly wondering why, of all places would Soojung choose to be there.

Was she as lost as he was?

“Don’t you have anything better to do?”

❝ singing got me better __ soojung

noraebangs. soojung still didn’t get them. but the day was over, and the night was deep, and she wasn’t in the mood to make up excuses or push three pills down her throat to knock herself out.

besides, she reasoned to herself, having trainee friends was an advantage; she wasn’t going to be able to sleep at home, anyway. nothing wrong with kicking back for a bit. didn’t even have to sing, didn’t even have to interact much. just had to walk along, and smile a little, and eat and drink a while–there were far worst things.

and it was as uneventful as she expected it to be. laughter, and lyrics, and conversation. terse smiles. comfortable couches, at least

a quick trip to the bathroom led her elsewhere,

led her to wandering eyes, and a boy she hadn’t seen in a while;

to letting herself in because when did soojung ever ask, to taking the space beside him and keeping quiet  because the track was nicer anyway, and it was much quieter here.

soojung crossed one leg over the other and watched the words on the screen; let him sing as he was, listened quietly, as if right there was where she had always been.

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If he didn’t want to let the sigh of relief escape his lips, Jongin failed miserably because that’s exactly what he did. For starters, he thought Daehyun would at least ignore him, perhaps standing up and leaving him alone there since the last time they met wasn’t exactly a pleasant one. However once he smiles and greeted him as if time never passed between the two males, he relaxed against the bench, ignoring for the moment, the distance between them.

“I’m okay, I think. The same routine, you know.” and he knew Daehyun knew the routine of practicing and being social to the rest of the trainees, the singing, dancing, behaving and lacking of sleep. The critics and little praising, everything was expected of them and so little was given to them as a reward. It felt natural to be honest to him, Jongin knew that but it was a little difficult to open up immediately since a lot was still in his head, most of it regarding his own lack of confidence that was back at full force.

For a second, the pills that rested hidden inside his back pocket burned a little and he bit his lower lip, trying to endure the temptation; he turned to food then, opening the rather large bag, steam and aroma of street food reaching both of their nostrils.

“I hope they’re not keeping you from eating.” He passed the bag to his friend, only one pair of chopsticks available for them. Jongin’s lips almost split on a smile that was rather alien for him once he noticed how familiar the feeling of being beside his best friend used to make him feel. “How about you? How’s Royal treating you”?

❝ unbreakable __ daehyun

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A chuckle was the first thing that left Jongin’s lips, before any words or actions. His eyes fell on the hands and the cigarette before he could manage to voice out his words and in a way it was still nice not to detect any kind of judging in Jackson’s words, maybe he just wanted to know, was curious enough. And perhaps Jongin was open enough to allow him to listen more about whatever happened during the time they had been apart.

But for the following minutes he just stayed in silence, allowing the smell of nicotine invade the small space between them, his eyes were pretty much like Jackson’s - on the people dancing afar, not exactly wishing that he was taking part on that commotion but nonetheless enjoying the view and rested against the seat, legs stretching in an awkward but comfortable position. “Thanks”, in the end he said, with a hint of sarcasm that was part of him now.

And then he realized Jackson needed something else, a conversation to start and even if Jongin wasn’t entirely interested in prolonging it, he still wasn’t that rude. “Things are okay, training is just the same routine over and over, nothing new happens. Unless you do some crazy shit.” And he realized how bitter might have come out, especially to someone who probably wanted to become a trainee one day; deciding to change the subject a little he turned to the other male, eyes falling on the cigarette again. “Are you sure the cancer on a stick is a good investment?”

♦ No Solution • w. Jongin ♦

A hand came down to Jongin’s shoulder in greeting and a silent offer for support. Jackson had seen enough in America to know what those kind of pills tended to do with a person. “Are you sure these little circles are a good investment?” The comment was spoken without judgement and lacked the bite to be an addressing to his consciousness. Perhaps Jackson didn’t know what it felt like to be a trainee, but he knew what it felt like when expectations weighted you down.

Taking a seat beside Jongin, he rested his arms on his knees, staring off into the night, watching flexible bodies move and bent to a faint bass echoing across the distance. “How’s it been? You don’t look too well.” He continued on as if he had never asked the other a rather blunt and delicate question before.

Being responsible for anything, especially his words or actions, was never something Jackson was good at to begin with. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a pick of cigarettes, an unhealthy habit that tended to surface in such situations. Thankfully enough they didn’t happen too often.

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it was either all or nothing. he wanted everything but settled for nothing. (insp.)

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❝ unbreakable __ daehyun

Jongin knew there wasn’t really an option left for him once his coach scolded him for trying to spend another night inside the NOVA building practicing. Not even his pleading words that ne needed to improve some choreography he had been working on seemed to be enough and once the glass door was closed behind him and the security guard told him he should head home, he knew those words had been final.

He sighed, fishing a few bills in his pockets and after realizing he had enough to buy food for the night, which meant he couldn’t go to the noraebang to spend the night there – it sucked. The thought of skipping food crossed his mind but his stomach complained, making a reminder he had already skipped the previous meal.

“Damn.” Mumbling to himself as he crossed the streets, driven by the smell of tteokbokki, meeting a street vendor that sold him more than enough for one person, still didn’t make him pleased enough – a few things used to do that lately. Jongin wondered if returning home would be a good idea but that would lead to questions from his uncle and the untouched letter from his mother, both things he didn’t want to deal.

His steps weren’t calculated when he reached the park, and he was glad it seemed as deserted as the streets around when he started to look for an empty bench to seat and eat in peace. Maybe later he would figure out what he would do until it was time to return to NOVA.

However, of all options, none would have prepared him for what was in front of him. Jongin frowned when he saw the familiar back of Daehyun and even if he didn’t want to acknowledge the way his heart thumped stupidly against his ribcage he gulped, pondering what to say or how to act. In the end, he just approached the older male, sitting beside him as if there wasn’t a canyon separating them. “Hey.”

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The reason why he stayed behind watching people that once he called street friends was only one: not to be bothered by them. It worked perfectly because they thought Jongin had become some kind of stuck up trainee that didn’t even want to talk to his friends anymore or cared about him. Even if that was just a misunderstand and a lie he didn’t care about correcting them. Because it would mean to explain to them why he just wanted to be left alone while he watched them have fun and laugh as if the future didn’t matter. 

Because for them it really didn’t, while for Jongin there was too much over his shoulders, too many things and eyes on him that led him there. That’s why he wanted silence and to be left alone.

The act of throwing a pill down his throat and swallow it without water became a habit of his and only when a voice interrupted the fogginess that his brain was supposed to be, he looked up and frowned, the familiar face coming to focus. “Yo. Long time no see.”

♦ No Solution • w. Jongin ♦

It had been a while since Jackson had gone to their old hang out place where they danced to their heart’s content. Ever since returning to Seoul, he had run into one of them here and there, all the time with the promise to come by if he’d find the time. It was ambitious and guts he lacked, not time. So now, standing there, approaching the venue with a nervous churn to his gut and newfound confidence from being scouted. That was when he saw him; Jongin. An old friend whom had the best conditions to make it to the top. For what price though? 

It was the moment Jackson saw him swallow something that looked now the least bit right that the Chinese decided to approach him. “Yo. Long time no see.”

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❝ singing got me better __ soojung

“My usual.” He placed the bills over the counter and didn’t show the same politeness from all the other days, something the woman behind the counter got used the past weeks. In the end she just let out a sigh when he did the same and gave him a key, not bothering to show him the place where his reserved booth was because Jongin knew the way pretty fast.

Just as he expected, the last booth was empty, as all others surrounding it and that once again gave him some sense of peace. Just to be alone nowadays was everything he cared about, seek even. He didn’t mind when people didn’t talk to him, unless it was to give him directions of what he was supposed to do during training. Unlike most of the trainees in NOVA, Jongin didn’t care that people didn’t notice him less and less.

The catalogue in front of him he knew it by heart and right now, he wanted to find a song that would challenge him. There weren’t many that he liked and he realized that singing when people expected him to be dancing was the only thing that still calmed him, the thing that made him not to turn to the pills that would make him sleep. Or the ones that would keep him awake.

So that was the reason why he went to that noraebang whenever people kicked him of the company. Turning to that instead of the things inside his pocket sounded like the best option. Of course he could go to other people but to bring his problems with him to another person’s life wasn’t something he wanted to do anymore. With a deep sigh his eyes finally fell on a song choice, one he never sang before; yeah, it would do it.

After punching a few numbers, the melody started and he just sat back on the couch, legs over the small table in front of him and glued his eyes on the screen in front of him. As soon as his voice was heard, he felt his heart light and could finally start to relax.

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here’s the thing :)

i’m finally back - or at least returning to my writing mood ( a lot has happened the past weeks to be honest ) and i’ll be probably bombarding the dash with solos for jongin BUT i’d love to plot with the new (and old) people/characters. if you feel like plotting with this grumpy trainee just like this post and i’ll message you!

as for the old plots/paras/scripts/starters i owed you guys, let me know if you wanna keep them, otherwise i’m gonna drop them. it’s been toooo long for them anyway! i’m keeping the kaistal one because it’s au ^^

come on, just go ahead and like this ♥

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I want to be nothing in order to be everything

Mario Testino

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❝  close call __ daehyun

(’ hospitals were never something pleasant in jongin’s opinion, he hates the smell of them, the white painting and the people that always seem too nonchalant about what’s really inside those walls - death. he hates death, the mere thought or mention of the word so when he walks up the stairs and opens the door, the smell of rotten dead flowers that’s often related to death fill up his nostrils and he quietly swears, a sudden anger filling his lungs and his heart but clearing his head just enough for him to go to the front desk and ask for his friend’s room. “i’m family”, he says and it sounds too bitter he wants to laugh about it but then the woman gives a random room number as if it’s a lottery number and he takes the elevator, proceeding to sort out the number among the empty and white hall [why is everything so bright when almost everyone is dying anyway, he wonders] and then he stops when the correct one comes to his face. jongin sighs and opens the door, the figure lying on the bed is barely awake and looks at him with a puzzled expression and he feels like mocking him. but again the anger gets the best of him and he doesn’t even fight why he’s acting like that these days) i’m a busy person jung daehyun, what the fuck are you doing here in a hospital bed?