rosefromthedeath

[rosefromthedeath]

My body keeps the score my mind can't

It deals with every self mutilation I throw at it

And for what?

In 99% of the cases it's just because I want someone to hold me

Without having to ask

Without feeling like I pressured them

Because THEY wanted to

And if I have to let my body keep the score, for the things I can't admit

Then it will keep counting

[rosefromthedeath]

Is it really aromance if I can FEEL how much I love them?

If I can TASTE how much I miss them?

Why does it have to feel like my love is less

Just because it's not what others would call romantic?

What even is the difference?

I would pick the stars out of the sky,

You will always have my my kidney if you so much as breath the wrong way

But somehow, it doesn't count

It never counts

Who would want to be loved by me?

[rosefromthedeath]

To be loved is to feel home when they open the door

To be loved is to look up at the sky at giggle "that's so you!"

To be loved is someone bringing you your favorite drink

To be loved is someone giving you a blanket before you say something

To be loved is so much more than to be known

Because even though I know people

I never feel as if I can give them the kind of love they deserve

There is always something missing

From me

[rosefromthedeath]

It's been years

Since it got that bad

That I truly

Really

Miss you

After everything you did

I fall asleep to pretending to be curled up in your arms

Cause after all the hurt those arms caused,

couldn't they also soothe them?

[rosefromthedeath]

When asexuality was my enemy

Aromance is my shortcoming

I want to love

I want to be able to give someone the moon and the stars,

For some deserve them

But I'm always reminded, that if I try

It will never be enough

It will always be something I can't comprehend

Something I can't give

Unimportant how much I love someone

Platonically

I will never be first place for anyone

Because that's always reserved for someone who can

Can give love

[rosefromthedeath]

If coming to terms with being asexual was a hard walk,

then coming to terms with being aromantic is climbing the Mount Everest.

I don't cope well

With wanting touch

And giving nothing in return

But noticing that the love I feel

Isn't as deep

Or as sincere

As my significant other

Is hard.

Because I love them

Oh and how I do

But there is no butterfly's

No warmth when I see them

When they smile, and they smile bright, it warms my day

But in the way my friends do to

Did I use and mislead them?

In not realizing that my feelings

Were platonic?

[rosefromthedeath]

Sometimes what's the most depressing is the things I would do, just to have the impression someone likes me for me

They don't have to like me for a week, a whole month.

Just one minute

hour

maybe a day

would be enough.

I really don't believe anyone could like me longer

Cause what is there to like about me?

If i don't love myself, who will?

[rosefromthedeath]

I am not enough

Never will be

Broken from the beginning

I will still try to bribe my way through life

Friendship

Even relationship

But something will always be wrong

There will never be a reason to stay

As soon as I stop

Because who would stay

Just for me?

[rosefromthedeath]

I wanna scream from the top of my lungs

Wanna smash in ever face that shows itself

I wanna push and choke and scream and die

Or actually I just wanna do nothing

Just wanna lay down

Curl into myself

And not answer anything.

I wanna reach out to people

But there's nothing to say

I wanna cut everyone of

But I'm at a point in my life where I KNOW that's unhealthy

[rosefromthedeath]

I have nothing to offer

I can't give you anything in return.

My compassion may be real, my empathy too, but I can't help you if you need support.

I only take

Like a black hole

Swallowing everything you can give

A friendship is way to one-sided

And I know

I try and I try

But what would I have to offer?

You would be better off without me

[rosefromthedeath]

I wish I could say i bottle things up

That people don't know when I'm struggling

The truth is

It's written over my face

For everyone to see

Everyone to pity

But I can't change a thing about it

Don't know how to

[rosefromthedeath]

Relapsing

I thought it would be something accidental.

A moment where I lose my self control, and can't do anything else

But it was on purpose.

I knew fully what I'm about to do and I did it anyways

Cause I don't know what else to do

To make me feel safe

To make me feel less

To make me feel more

To make me feel

To feel

[rosefromthedeath]

Because why does it feel like i have to make a trade in for touch?

Like i know i don't want sex, but I will give it to someone if they will stay with me, just for being with me.

A fair trade, right?

Because why would anyone just stay with me without getting something in return?

It's not like being with me could be considered a win

I think I smell weird, kind of neutral.

I get overly attached and still can't calm down

I will want affection but boy I won't tell you

I will want to stay close, hold you close, but at the same time you will notice that my body will freeze

But it's not because I don't want the physical contact

It's because I have nothing to give you in return

I will worry that I'm being to much

That I'm to ugly, to weird, to needy and to attached for you to actually WANT TO CUDDLE WITH ME

I'm sure it's out of pity

Cause why else would it be

If i can't trade you anything in return?

[rosefromthedeath]

If I had a penny, for every depressed thought

If I had a penny, for every trauma

If I had a penny, for every therapy

If i had a penny, for every abuser

If I had a penny, for every diagnosis

If i had a penny, for every wish to die

If i had a penny, for every night crying.

But I don't have a penny.

I just have my depression.

[rosefromthedeath]

New year new me.

New year new job

New year new issues

New year old therapy

New year old trauma

New year old thoughts

New year old depression

Still no progress.