#actually avoidant

[takemetodragonstone]

t shirt that says i survived hell and all i got was this stupid personality disorder

[avpdculture]

AvPD culture is not checking comments or messages for days or weeks because you're too anxious about what they could say. Especially if you got into an online argument with someone or feel like you said something wrong and now people hate you.

~

[gradivpd]

Me after hanging out with friends:

Omg I had such I great time with you all however after analyzing our conversation I’ve come to the conclusion that you all didn’t want me there and hate me... Same time next month?

[godking-bomby]

I realized that one of the reasons I don’t reach out regularly to people is that I don’t want to intrude on their lives. I’m genuinely worried that they would rather not hear from me, and would reach out first if they wanted to. I don’t want to hinder their peace. The fear is so big, it’s paralyzing.

[ive-tried-lavender]

[equalperson]

HORRIBLE AVOIDANT REALITY: you have to talk to people to start therapy. or get a job. or make friends. or keep friends. or get your emotional needs met. or

[avpdpossum]

the “i can’t seem to connect with other people, i must be fundamentally broken or not trying hard enough” -> “turns out there’s nothing wrong with me, i’m just autistic” -> “all the autistic people i know get along so well together and i still can’t connect with any of them, maybe i really am just fundamentally broken” -> “why didn’t anyone tell me avpd exists, this explains everything” pipeline is so real.

if your social skills are dogshit even compared to other socially anxious autistics, i see you. i am you. it’s fucking rough out here but at least we’re in these trenches together.

[crystalisedpoison]

“people with aspd are scary” “i don’t feel comfortable around people with npd” whereas i’ve never felt safer around them. i actually feel like i’m in the right place when i’m surrounded by them.

[avpdculture]

avpd + alexithymia culture is "oh i can't have avpd i don't get anxious about that!!" <- does in fact get extremely anxious but cant tell thats what theyre feeling

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[fairiencarnate]

Living with avoidant behaviours means that for you to see me and be able to judge me, good or bad, inherently it means I am trying. Maybe not by yours, but by my standards I am succeeding too.

I don't think people understand how earth shatteringly terrifying it is to look for new jobs or meet new people with a panic disorder or social phobia. It puts me in a mindset where I have to actively remind myself that ending my life to escape the perceived danger is counterproductive, I am that out of my mind with panic. I know it doesn't make sense but knowing that doesn't stop the visceral fear from being so real. I wish people knew I don't want to be this way and I am actively fighting against it at all times even when it looks to others like I'm hiding away. The fact that I am still here, the fact that I answer messages sometimes and visit my family, the fact that I apply for jobs and leave the house to run errands at all is testament to how hard I'm trying.

If I stopped trying and gave in to my default state I would be shrivelled and pasty, dehydrated and sick from being too numb to feed myself, curled half-conscious and unshowered in grimy bed sheets, covered in nervous-picking sores, popping pills or drinking myself into slumber. I would not speak to a soul, not even immediate family. I wouldn't post at all. You would not know I exist.

For you to see me and be able to judge me, inherently means I am trying. Because I'm here and I'm not just awake. I'm the scariest thing I can be - perceivable.

[solitaryschizoid]

the way people talk about and treat avoidants and schizoids and any other outcast is disgusting. we are not bad people for not fitting in with everyone else or for being different than everyone else. we did not choose this lifestyle, it was forced on us by you, the rest of society. you forced us into a life of isolation and then blame us for being alone.

[insatiablexi]

[avpdpossum]

can we talk more about avpd being a (proposed) schizospec disorder? because i almost never see that theory talked about but i wish it was. like…

avpd makes me censor my thoughts because i think someone might hear what i’m thinking and see what a horrible person i am on the inside or judge me for thinking embarrassing things.

avpd makes me so afraid of someone walking in on me doing something i Shouldn’t Be Doing that my brain twists background noise into the sounds of whispers and footsteps behind me.

avpd makes me so worried about people staring at me that in my peripheral vision, anyone near me looks like they’re already staring at me, and it’s only when i look at them directly that i realize they’ve been looking in a totally different direction the whole time.

avpd makes me so convinced of how much everyone must secretly hate me that i often start thinking everyone secretly wants to hurt me too, to the point where i’ve had panic attacks from a person walking too close behind me because i feel like they’re getting ready to attack me (when i haven’t had any kind of trauma that would create that fear), and the paranoia just serves to reinforce my need to avoid people.

avpd makes me lose my ability to speak or reduces it to nothing more than one word answers only when spoken to, turning the thoughts i wanted to express into a jumble that’s impossible to turn into words or just throwing them away completely and making my mind go blank, so i end up just staring at people silently or even acting like i don’t see them standing there at all (not on purpose but because my brain won’t let me engage with them).

avpd makes me look damn near emotionless around everyone but my safe person (and sometimes even around my safe person) because showing my emotions would be far too vulnerable for its liking, so it completely takes away my ability to express them.

and i could keep going! there are so many things i experience because of avpd that i’ve seen really closely reflected in the experiences of schizospec people. i don’t know how common these kinds of things are in avpd overall, but they’re a really prominent part of my experience with it, so when i found out that some research suggested it could be considered a schizospec disorder itself, that made so much sense to me! and i’d be so curious to see how many other avoidants have dealt with this stuff but haven’t talked about it because it’s never mentioned as being part of avpd.

[crystalisedpoison]

people will say things like ‘this is an aspd safe space’ but then rage when someone dares to admit they feel indifferent about others and do not care to acknowledge any sympathy seeking posts on this app

[avpdculture]

avpd culture is wanting.

yes, i want attention. i want comfort. i want pity. i want to be coddled. i want help. i want.

but do i deserve?

~