rosstheelf

[rosstheelf]

Currently at Con-Alt-Delete dressed up as kind of Komeada but with cat ears and wearing my skull chain as a color instead of on my hup. Also no wig. If you see me and want to say hi or do something feel free to stop me. I really need to get better at social interaction and I would really appreciate it.

[rosstheelf]

So it's looking like I will be going to Con+Alt+Delete which should hopefully be fun! If I do end up being able to go I know I will definitely bring Izayoi Sonosuke for cosplay and maybe Komaeda Nagito as well since it's been a while for that one.

[rosstheelf]

The best part of not being able to fall asleep until 11pm at the earliest and then having to get up at 3:40am to go to work is that I end up with not enough sleep so I don't end up having the energy to feel as down as normal and I can just lay in the dark trying to sleep all day after work and people won't question it as much since they know I have a hard time falling asleep at night. Hurray for not getting enough sleep!

[rosstheelf]

Starting tomorrow afternoon I will be all alone at home for I think 9 days and I only work 2 of them so there is going to be very little human interaction which will be interesting I guess. I will most likely spend at least part of it feeling lonely which will be less then enjoyable to say the least. Hopefully I will be able to nap at least a little bit.

[rosstheelf]

Being bad when alone in crowds while also not wanting to be a burden or nuisance to the friends I am here with is making this an interesting time at Anime Fusion. It also doesn't help that I get lonely really easily so just hanging out in the room on my own is also not a very fun time.

[rosstheelf]

I have way to much pre-con energy so I will probably just not sleep tonight and be really weird and sleepy on Friday. So if you see me feel free to say hi! I could really use some more con friends since I only have like 2. I just might be kind of odd so apologies in advance :P

[rosstheelf]

Fusion line-up

It's a little late but I felt like sharing my cosplays I will be doing at anime fusion.

I plan on doing Nagisa for most of the con if not all of it. I will have Ryuji Sakamoto with me as well in case I get tired of Nagisa.

Whoops forgot to specify outside of the tag that it is Nagisa Shiota.

[rosstheelf]

Sorry I always make things worse.

So for the past couple weeks I've been in a constant feeling of I only ever mess things up and make things worse. And it makes life super duper fun! Hahaha, I feel like I'm only a burden to those around me. And I feel like I do this the most to the person I care about the most. I don't think I've mentioned yet but I really hate how I do this. So to anyone that reads this I am extremely sorry for any time I have done this to you.

[rosstheelf]

I forgot to post a photo for after getting my hair dyed so here is one now only about a month late so it's a little faded. Also showing off a recent dollar store purchase.

[rosstheelf]

A before and after of me getting my hair bleached so I can get it dyed pastel pink♡

[rosstheelf]

When you want a specific kind of ice cream and you don't drive and have ruined your sleep schedule to basically be nocturnal now even though you open at a coffee shop. So you go for a totally normal 1am walk to the closet Cub which is 2 miles away so 4 miles round trip. This is all perfectly normal.

[rosstheelf]

Cosplay stuff has arrived

My cosplay stuff arrived today (which is a lot sooner then I expected since I only paid for it to be shipped sometime last week)

I got a wig for Ichimoku Ren from hell girl so now I just need to get it styled and then go buy stuff for hiss outfit which shouldn’t be too hard. I also got a outfit and wig for Ryuji Sakamoto so like the other wig I still need to get it styled. Hopefully I will be able to get everything done before Anime Fargo near the end of August.

[rosstheelf]

Can't have a good thing without a bad one soon after

So things in life overall haven't changed much. I guess the biggest thing is that I have finally started seeing someone to hopefully help with my depression at least a little bit. But the first half of the day has been better then most since I got some exercise and heard some good news. Then once parents get home they decide to ruin any sort of happiness by asking more questions about why I never told them sooner and other things like that regarding both my failing grades in college and my bad emotional state which ended up (with or without them realising it) being a let's make Ross feel terrible about the how he messed up and guilt trip him. So that has turned a what was a good day for once in a long time to a worse day then most. Thank you parents, and you wonder why I didn't tell you about everything sooner.

[rosstheelf]

Disappointment

Being the second youngest of four and having all my siblings be successful in whatever paths they choose in life makes it really fun to be a technical college drop out. Expecially when I have been told directly by my parents that they are disappointed in me. The best is when my parents brag about my siblings to other people. Since then I’m just kind of on the side like “Yeah my siblings are in such good positions in life.” Then if they ask about me I get to say “oh me I’m just a college drop out with emotional and mental health issues, pay no mind to me”. It makes things so much fun :(

[rosstheelf]

Waiting is the worst

My brother is wonderful since without his help I probably wouldn't have ever let th rest of my family know that I'm not in a safe place mentally. He told my parents last night and now I am stuck waiting for them to get home. So because my min tends to go into the negative side of things when it comes to the unknown I am stuck in a constant state of worry with the occasional spike of fear which is making me regret letting them know In the first place.

[rosstheelf]

Just have to go

When you decide it's better to walk the 10 plus miles on a cold and windy December day. Just so you don't have to stay at one of the places you can't stand. Because that place fills you with a feeling of pure discomfort. Because that is a place where you breakdown at the drop of a hat. Because that place drains you faster then the long walk you are about to embark on. Because that place is one where it is more common for you to get lost in the bad parts of you thoughts. Because that place services as a reminder to how much of a failure you view yourself as. So instead of spending one more second at that place you go. Because you just have to get out of that place. You just have to go.

[rosstheelf]

23 Emotions People Feel But Can’t Explain

Sonder: The realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own.

Opia: The ambiguous intensity of Looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.

Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.

Énouement: The bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self.

Vellichor: The strange wistfulness of used bookshops.

Rubatosis: The unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat.

Kenopsia: The eerie, forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually bustling with people but is now abandoned and quiet.

Mauerbauertraurigkeit: The inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like.

Jouska: A hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head.

Chrysalism: The amniotic tranquility of being indoors during a thunderstorm.

Vemödalen: The frustration of photographic something amazing when thousands of identical photos already exist.

Anecdoche: A conversation in which everyone is talking, but nobody is listening

Ellipsism: A sadness that you’ll never be able to know how history will turn out.

Kuebiko: A state of exhaustion inspired by acts of senseless violence.

Lachesism: The desire to be struck by disaster – to survive a plane crash, or to lose everything in a fire.

Exulansis: The tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it.

Adronitis: Frustration with how long it takes to get to know someone.

Rückkehrunruhe: The feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness.

Nodus Tollens: The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.

Onism: The frustration of being stuck in just one body, that inhabits only one place at a time.

Liberosis: The desire to care less about things.

Altschmerz: Weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had – the same boring flaws and anxieties that you’ve been gnawing on for years.

Occhiolism: The awareness of the smallness of your perspective.

Source John Koenig, writer and creator of The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.