s0mi-um

[s0mi-um]

“Phoenix”

brightly burned so elegantly

become chosen ash and dust

discovering your remedial reflection

among their gluttonous pile of rust

broken bones forged forgotten

into stones for a home well trodden

creating anew prophet of recalled delight

cascade me now into eternal flight

[s0mi-um]

“Forsaken”

- somnia

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candle queen

- somnia

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transformation

- somnia

[s0mi-um]

My drawing tablet broke so I made this on PowerPoint entirely out of shapes and icons.

- somnia

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i'll survive, i'll survive

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“Next time, you’ll play dead too!”

- somnia

[s0mi-um]

“Therapy”

Now, what was it she said again? Right, find my center. THE center.

The circumference? The diameter of a circle. A radius? Maybe my radius? No, perhaps it’s our orbit? A planet. My planet? Earth?

Earth. Right. Earth’s a start. But where did I start?

Where do “I” start? At my birth, or now? No, at birth. Never now, always then. Then started with a Mama, right?

A Mama…

A Mom..

A Mother.

I try to stop it, but it’s hopeless and now some part of me is already searching our childhood again. Pepto pink walls of a room I’m sure another homeowner has repainted by now.

I really did try to quiet that part of myself, but she’s walking down the stairs, descending into the living room. Into the yellow walls.

Those four yellow walls…they look sick. I feel sick.

Nauseous and retreating, I recede into pink walls, praying it eases the pain in my stomach. I cry out, not really sure for who. Maybe…

A Mother?

Mother?

..Mom?

…Mama?

“3$&+@€¥?”

Not her.

Never her.

Never then, never now. But now, now is…odd. Hearing my name right now feels odd. Was I the one who said it?

It’s okay to feel odd.

I guess.

I guess we just have to feel weird sometimes. I guess sometimes we just have to be in the now.

“Could you tell me how you’re feeling right now?”

“I” wade through Bismuth Subsalicylate. “I” do my best to respond.

She wants a response.

She needs to respond.

We need a response.

Somebody just FUCKING RESPOND!

The body makes a response.

I think it blinks.

Then I blink.

Then there’s some concrete and some grass.

It’s not close. It’s in the distance.

For a second I see 2012. I see my backyard.

It’s empty.

It’s not mine. It never was.

It’s not. It’s now.

Never then, always now.

Now.

Now?

Right now it’s a world through a window.

“I” respond;

“I think I’m just seeing the world through a window.”

- somnia

[s0mi-um]

gel pens are addicting

- somnia

[s0mi-um]

up and down

- somnia

[s0mi-um]

“the sun is burning”

The Sun is burning. We know it’s burning. But there’s nothing we can do about it.

It’ll likely explode if we wait here long enough. It will be beautiful.After all, suffering is beautiful if exalted, is it not? Certainly anything could see how prettily it burns for us. Our lovely, lonely, little morning star.

Hearts easily become rendered utterly defenseless, they cannot help but love such a simple tragedy. A celestial Shakespearean shrouded under moonlight, its watchful light continues cascading downward into irrevocable entropy. Chained to cosmic fate, our poor unwilling phoenix, left with no time to nurse clipped wings.

Soon, golden fingertips are allowed once more in our carnal cookie jar, their path already sure and well trodden. Together in eternal rapture, thought and form usher in new life from ash. Descending hand in hand, bright hands become burned and wrathful, again reaching out to grip soil another already damned.

Slow to greed, the spiked ambrosia drapes over barren fields. Quick to greed and as bottom feeders to the corpse of the whale, we will celebrate its fall. Filled to the brim with what the sun’s weeping could sow, we continue forward while it’s still burning.

Reflected sunlight bounding within the solar plexus now overindulged, rebellion arising from collective refusal to finally digest Icarus.

Oh, yes!

The sun is burning!

We know the sun is burning!

And there is nothing we can do about it!

…Right?

________________________________________

Notes:

This short piece I wrote was an attempt to capture the complicated symbiotic relationship we have with the sun. And on a much subtler level, tragedy. Within the symbolism, I do my best to highlight issues many know as well as they know the sun- particularly placing focus on how all of it inevitably returns to that burning ball.

As rays of sunlight travel to human eyes, photoreceptors capture and transfer its blaze into an electrical signal that our three pounds of flesh computer can be shocked with to form an image. Let there (literally) be light.

It’s no wonder sun deities and general worship of the sun can be found across most of human history. But as humanity has grown in our capabilities, the perceived absolutes of our world can seem like a second thought rather than the forefront. In this way, I sought to also acknowledge the inevitability of climate change.

Some of the first academically established warnings about the potential of a climate disaster came decades ago. These were foolishly tossed aside in the name of “progress.” (Money.)

So, simultaneously, this piece approaches the topic of the subsequent suffering initially deemed “necessary” by higher powers. As a result, you may notice I specifically called the sun the morning star. Yes, it literally is the morning star. But the title is intentional.

It serves as a reference to the intrinsic suffering found as a central theme within the Bible, with the first  domino to quite literally fall being Lucifer, the lustrous “morning star”.

However, even in his eternal punishment, later in the narrative Lucifer is placed in an essential role. Becoming a punisher of those in his domain meant to contain sinners, where others antihero’s find redemption, the Morningstar is still evil. But in a bit of a catch 22, without him, the rest of the story completely falls apart.

Still, his suffering is ultimately celebrated, despite the inevitable salvation he brings in his wake. Similar to the sun, he remains forever chained to a cosmic fate decided by a force he could not avoid. Similar now to Lucifer, humanity stands trembling in front of a once loving god- facing an oncoming wrath brought by our own arrogance.

Chained to a cosmic fate we cannot avoid.

somnia

1/7/24