sashleysowder

[sashleysowder]

Stuck,

I was not able to leave a house till I was two years old. I got adopted at the age of two, and ever since then I’ve been under strict control of my adoptive mom. My opinions are never valid, I’am never heard, my wants and needs are too much to ask for, and I’m never able to make my own decisions. When I was eleven years old things changed in the blink of an eye. My adoptive mom changed suddenly, and it really effected my life. I started getting admitted to hospitals at that age, and when I was thirteen I went to my first treatment facility. Ever since then I seemed to be a package that could just be shipped off whenever  instead of being somebody’s daughter. I have many goals and dreams that I have not been able to accomplish. I feel like I’m stuck at a red light and I’m just waiting it for it to turn green. I want to explore those new paths that provide new opportunities.

It may take awhile for you to begin to be unstuck, but it’s definitely worth the wait. There have been many times in my life where I believed that nothing would ever change, and that it will always be the way it was. I thought I couldn’t make it through a day, but I did. It took a lot of time and patience. I’am turning eighteen years old today, and I finally get to explore those new paths. I’m free from my adoptive mom, and I’m ready to make healthy decisions that could change my life. It could take longer or shorter then eighteen years of your life, and I’m here to prove that you will not be stuck your whole life even if it seems that way.

The End.

[sashleysowder]

Depression,

“Remember who you’re, and what you stay for.”

A staff I know at my place said that awhile ago, and that stuck. I think it’s better then saying: “Remember who you’re, and what you stand for.”

I have struggled with depression for years and years of my life, and I’ve been taking meds since I was eleven years old.

What comes with depression is self harm, and suicidal thoughts and actions. I’ve never known my place on Earth, and I have not found the purpose in life. Why is worth living. There are days when all I want to do is die. To be done with all the shit that comes with me living. It could all just be over. This feeling of loneliness-being hated-unloved-worthless. I could go on and on. Those feelings drain me day after day until I reach my breaking point which is not pretty. I started self harming when I was fifteen years old because I felt like that’s what people want, they want to see me like that. My mom always watched me hurt, because she mainly caused that hurt. I would just get depressed because I just want more then anything to have a mom who loves and appreciates me, no matter what. Not one who makes me feel like I want to die. I would go home everyday in a constant state of depression because I would have to go sit by myself, in silence, with nobody to talk to. Well unless she needed someone to target. That pattern went on for years and years, and one day I could not longer put a smile on my face and act like everything is perfectly okay. Why should I be expected to be okay? I stopped self harming when I was seventeen years old, and it wasn’t easy. I ended up in a psychiatric unit in Ogden, Utah because I straight up tried to kill myself one night. Depression hit me, and it hit me hard. Nothing seemed to be working out. My peers disowned me because I was doing better then, and my sister had a baby and I still haven’t seen him. A lot of other events went down, but I’m not going to go into detail with that quite yet. I guess I reached my breaking point, I was just done, and had a fuck everything attitude. I didn’t think anything through because I was just too depressed and anxious. I didn’t think of who it would effect, like how some would be sad if I killed myself. Maybe more then sad actually. I wouldn’t want to put them through that ever. I wish I knew that quote throughout my life because the meaning helps me get out of those states all the time. It’s not only what I stay for, it’s also who I stay for. I stay for giving myself a shot to make my life healthier and better, and to just have more genuine happiness. I want a life full of success and happiness, and I can give myself that opportunity now that I’m eighteen years old. I stay for Lexi, Sadie, Kaytlynn, Emeline, Chad, Hanna, Jourdan, Elysa, Georgia, Kira, Maddy, Cassie, Eddie, my sisters, and my cousins. So that quote hits me directly, and I think it can be useful for other people as well.

The End.

[sashleysowder]

Letter To Someone-

I told you last year but I'll say it again, "we are not in the same boat but we are in the same ocean." I thought about it alot more,  so I wanted to go into depth more if that's okay. This quote speaks for the volumes of our life's all together. But also it could be an ocean or a storm. When I think of an ocean I think of a place that will calm myself and my mind. When I think of a  storm, I think about something terrible happening. That could be something that emotionally or physically damaged you. But it always depends on the image you would see and what you would categorize it under. But we will not always be in the same boat. This is because our circumstances are unique to us. Everyone has their different life stories. Some may have more difficult circumstances than others, nobodys life is the exact same as ours, that's why it's unique to us. People or events lead us to have different wounds. We all have our struggles that are personal to us but we aren't alone. Everyone has their own perspective to life, how they look at things or other people, you will never think the same way as someone else because the way we think is individually unique. Some of us could be in a boat above the waves not being affected, but others could be drowning in their emotions and whatnot. We are forced to swim sometimes, and it gets really hard. We won't always know what someone is truly going through, if they tell us we will never be able to relate or sometimes understand at the same level they do. You try to form a relationship with this ocean so you can feel peaceful with your life, and with yourself. You finally start to feel at least a little bit better after awhile. You start going quarter-way to halfway, and to crossing the equator of this ocean. But when you start feeling good a wave seems to always hit you. This wave may be another negative event happened in your life, or maybe you started missing someone in your life or a  piece of your life that you may have lost or you miss it. This tends to bring alot of waves of emotions towards your way, and you're back in that storm. You could be there for a little bit or maybe for a long time. But I know part of healing is letting myself feel these waves of emotions. I know when a wave of grief hits me I become very fragile, and it takes awhile to go away. The fact of life is you will never get used to someone being gone. One of my therapists told me that I won't ever get over it, but I need to learn how to live with it. When my therapist told me that, to me it sounded like she wanted me to forget about them and just go on with my day. But that was not the point. Grief means love to me. I want to give all this love to those ones, but I cannot. Grief won't go anywhere but that love is still there, and it will be forever and always. I've learned that it's okay to feel hurt, sad, angry, etc. It's okay to cry, and to express yourself. You taught me that bottling my emotions up with just make me feel worse, and to keep that cap off. I want you to try to do the same. You've been through something nobody should ever have to go through and my heart breaks for you. We are in this storm together but not in the same boat, but I hope we can make it back to the ocean together.  I love you so much.

[sashleysowder]

TRAUMA-

have been dealing with trauma my whole life. Trauma is anything that is too difficult or shocking for the brain to fully process at the time of an event or an experience. I have always tried to seek for answers regarding my past. I would tend to focus on the past instead of the present.

My trauma affects several areas of my life, and come up at times that I don't always expect. I have a diagnoses of PTSD, because of the many experiences that where too much at the time I had to go through them. I have been told that when we get older our brains still need to fully process those experiences, and often come out when we have a new friend or added support. This can be confusing but the brain looks for opportunities to fully process traumatic experiences so they are not stored in the body and re-experienced anymore. It is like our brain needs to unpack the experience fully to have space and be open to new experiences

I used to believe that my diagnoses and trauma defined who I am, and are in control of shaping my life. My trauma revolves around so much, and I have my daily battles I have to fight. It causes situations to be more difficult for me. More difficult to deal with, and more difficult to accept. I live in fear, and I feel as if I always have to defend myself. That is what forms defense mechanisms. I struggle and I struggle quite a lot. I get triggered easily, and with that my PTSD causes me to have vivid flashbacks of my past.

My earliest memories were from when I was not even one years old yet. Usually, people don't remember events that have occurred when they are that young. My traumatic childhood was so severe, that it created the ability for me to remember. I break down when I get these flashbacks, and I get in my head. My head fills with deep and dark thoughts, that are very hard to fight, and face. I get through  the thoughts regarding my trauma by visualizing a memory that makes me feel warm, such as this one:

When I was younger my family and our family friends had a huge cabin in Easton, Washington. One winter we went up to the cabin, and the snow was almost up to my hips. All the kids, including me, would play out in the snow all day. We would have snowball fights, go skiing, and we would drive or ride on snow mobiles. When we were done playing in the snow, we would jump into the hot tub after being in that freezing weather. I also learned how to play poker there, but instead of betting money we would bet pretzels. In the basement we had a firepit. We would open this little door so we could roast our marshmallows to make smores, and warm air would flow out from the firepit. The only screaming we would hear while being there, was the screaming sound of joy, not anger. We started a new year in that cabin, where everyone would get along, and band. These memories from the cabin made me feel warm because I finally felt like I was a part of a real family. A family where I felt like I fit in, and was loved and supported. I cherished those moments even though I knew, it wouldn't last.

Thinking of warm memories helps because you are not bringing yourself to a dark memory. You are bringing yourself to a memory that proves that you can have and had genuine happiness in your life. There will always be aspects of your life that suck, but that does not mean it will always be that way. I've learned that diagnoses and trauma don't always define who I am, and does not affect what my future holds, unless I let it. These warm thoughts and memories actually shine a brighter path for me. I'm able to relate to others better, and help the ones who are going or have been through the same experiences in life as me. I  also have gained a lot of empathy because of my trauma, what I've been through, and that's one of my bigger strengths.

Something I want to accomplish in my life is to become an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker), so I can help more people, while positively getting closure in my life. If I can work through it, you can do the same. I mean, it is not easy, but it is definitely possible and worth it.

THE END

[sashleysowder]

LIFE STORY PART 1-

My full name is Shyanna Ashley Sowder, I'm 18 years old, and I was born in Kirkland. Washington. Since the day I was born my life was tough. I was born into a family who didn't love me or took care of my brother Chad and I. My birth mom and dad were alcoholics, and drug addicts. When I was not even born yet my mom decided drugs, and drank alcohol while pregnant with me. That caused me to become a drug affected baby, and I was also born addicted to meth. That basically means that if I try drugs or if I'm not careful with my intake of alcohol, then I could become the same. A drug addict, and an alcoholic. In my birth home I suffered a extreme amount of abuse and neglect. My birth dad would get drunk, would take his anger (which turned into aggression) out on Chad and I. He once slammed by head against the edge of a table when I was just a baby. Taking everything out on kids who cannot defend themselves. All we could do was sit there, and take it. Our birth mom could not help us or she would receive the same treatment from him as well. We didn't have the food we needed. We didn't have toys. We didn't have cribs, just a blanket on the floor. They didn't change my diapers, so that caused me to have rashes all over my body. The environment was not safe because it had drugs everywhere, in easy access for Chad and I. We were left home alone often, and when we were not we were left with a 16 year old sex offender. One day I was sitting on the balcony of our apartment, and the next door neighbor saw me. They witnessed me covered in rashes and bruises, and with zero supervision. They called the authorities, and shorty after cops showed up at the apartment. Looking at us, looking at the environment, you could see the danger and the abuse and neglect that took place. CPS should have taken us right then and there, but they didn't. They decided to give my parents another chance which turned into chance after chance. It took for them to find Chad and I covered in meth, to finally take us. We were then put into the foster system. Going from foster home to foster home. A majority of the families only wanted me just because I was a baby, they didn't want Chad because of his developmental disabilities. The system said that won't work out because they wanted us to stick together. I guess that was a bad and a good idea at the same time. At the age of two, and when Chad was four, we finally got adopted. We got put into a family that consisted of a single mom who had a son, and two daughters. The first years of my life were pretty good, and seemed normal. Our family seemed to be happy or happier. We were frequently taking family vacations to places all over. My adoptive mom was happy, and was involved as a single mother to five kids. Everything changed in the blink of an eye when I was eleven years old. I still not answer my question of "why?" I don't know what I could have possibly done for her to treat me the way she treats me now. She became verbally and physically abusive, but I feel like words hurt more. She was never involved anymore unless you count her taking her anger out on me whenever she needs to. She can always count on me for that. I was not strong enough to fight back 'till I was older, nor did I have the guts to. But one day it came to the point where I either do, or I lose my life. I remember that she tried choking me to death one time, and I punched her to get her off and away from me. She went in her room, and came out with scratches on her arm that I didn't put there. She called the police and told them "I just attacked her out of the blue", and that she "does not feel safe". They sent me to the psych unit at Seattle Children's Hospital, and I stayed there for about a week. I was not ready to let go of my life that day. I wasn't ready to die. I finally fought back for something nobody should have to fight for ever. Do you know who did not feel safe that day? Me. I knew that it was just the beginning of a new life full of hell. To be continued....

Logan, Utah 2021