silvernoons

[silvernoons]

Happy pride month to everyone except the person who went and asked what my name was on yt. I introduce myself as Silver. My birth name is none of your business and it's weird as shit to be asking someone who uses a name when greeting you that question like... I didn't even want to film shit today because that comment upset me so much I don't even know if I'll be posting anything again like seriously why am I a weirdo magnet I'm not even a big name leave me alone I have said time and time again that I would rather be a nobody than get too big and be swarmed by weirdos but when you're ugly and odd I guess you just attract these kinds of people because you seem like an easy target. Newsflash: I'm not. I've been around for long enough and don't need a river of validation. I just wanted to put myself out there since my therapists kept saying that. I don't need to be engaging with all comments especially if they upset me.

I'm venting here because it's just too much seriously. Life has been awful lately. I can't catch a break. And on pride month, too. Like I have spent most of my upbringing being mocked for my looks and for being odd and not looking like anything which was bad but validating and now that I've realised that I am indeed trans, it's like these people are like no, wait you're not supposed to like it, you have to fit in the box you don't like the most because I said so! And honest to fucking God, fuck off with that.

Do not rob me of my fucking humanity.

If I want to be metal number 47 instead of birth name, I am well within my right not to share said name. This is so infuriating. My name is none of anyone's fucking business.

And this made me so mad I chipped a tooth because I was angrily biting my nails so injury to insult.

Goddammit.

[silvernoons]

Yeah so I feel like shit and decided to sketch an F-18 Hornet with some bad clouds. It's dodgy and shaky but it is what it is. Jet goes vrooom

[silvernoons]

[silvernoons]

[silvernoons]

And here we are, giving yeehaw sapphic vibes again. i guess? Since I was low-key flirted with by a random girl? And was shook because I had no idea until I got a nudge when she left and was told 'you're a lost cause. She was flirting' and I just didn't know. I mean in my defense my self esteem is no and my gender identity is screaming crying and throwing up not to mention that my sexuality falls in the aspec so like yeah I thought she just liked my phone cover lmao

[silvernoons]

It's like I'm a shit magnet like it's not a case of 'oh everyone I find is an asshole' like, at all. That's not what it is, it's just the way I'm misunderstood and fuck up every step of the way and then lead people to assume shit about me and then feel sad and hurt about it when it was all my doing. Like, some could maybe argue that I'm just lowering my head in the face of transphobia, but to me really even though I'm intersex masc aligned, I don't want gender identity to be my whole personality and like to someone whose entire upbringing was supressing the things I liked and made me "me", it's really a sucker punch. It actually hurts more than actually being misgendered if I'm being completely honest here. I don't care what pronouns people use with me behind my back, and it's literally just in English that it's kind of shitty when I'm gendered, since the language is wildly not gendered (when compared to Portuguese or Spanish for example) and when you gender someone in direct conversation, it's always a choice in my opinion. But I don't make a big deal out of it, I have bigger problems in life /genuine/, I'd rather be respected but if I'm not, then well, it is what it is. Like I normally brush it off (things like ignoring what 'dude' and 'girl' mean in favour of doing a "gotcha" in an argument with trans person for example) and if I'm being actively mistreated for my gender/weird looks and someone uses a gendered word I know it's to rile me up. I'm doing much better in not immediatly exploding and getting angry, but the anger gave way to hurt that comes in waves sometimes. At times I don't care at all, but other times I do, especially when I'm in the midst of a depressive slump like now and yeah well this has been a vent

[silvernoons]

When you're so dumb you don't check the thickness of the yarn you're getting and then end up unable to finish a big project that was time sensitive lol I hate it here

[silvernoons]

Crochet carnation for the 25th of April

[silvernoons]

Anyone asked for this? Nah? Have it anyway

[silvernoons]

The new shrink sucked so much I really am speechless this was the worst one in a while like what the actual fuck happened there this woman really sat me there for maybe 15 minutes didn't ask anything aside from what was essentially 'what would make you git gud' and then randomly tried to give me schizo meds when I have never not once showed traits of that like I have no fucking reason to lie about this. She wanted to give me MIRTRAZAPINE. I will stop right there lol

[silvernoons]

Made another crochet coaster flowerpot yeee

[silvernoons]

For Good Friday

[silvernoons]

Being so damn real right now lol sometimes I feel like just yapping at the camera because I feel overwhelmed and that helps since it helps me get my head out of whatever's bothering me while letting me vaguely mentioning it, but i can't because the very things that are overwhelming me are loud and would be picked up by the mic and I really don't want that lol out of all the fears that I have regarding "putting myself out there" in the form of random vlogs, becoming an "internet spectacle" or some other less nice way of putting it, is really not what I want so yeah random text posts on tumblr it is because that's safe-ish idk at least it's not loud and me looking visibly upset on camera like... I'm fully against the idea that people who show that side of themselves online are all fakers (some might be, some surely are, but I think I'm making sense here). People who mock people who express emotions are frankly despicable. What is it? Do you feel uncomfortable that someone is doing what you can't do? Because sometimes people just want to vent. Of course, I get it that crying has become associated with people doing awful inexcusable things to get pity points. Still, crying is a natural response to being overwhelmed and as someone who gets triggered when I happen to start crying due to being mocked for it growing up which led to either freezing or aggression depending on the situation, yeah, it's shitty. People see someone crying online and immediately jump to say it's all fake and start making fun of the person. In real life if someone is crying it's also attention seeking or some shit. Men crying is seen as weak or as a way to get sympathy. And yeah I'm fully venting now because guess who's triggered welp I'm not going to turn anything on for that very reason, I'll just express it here. My anger doesn't define me, my trauma doesn't define me, my emotional issues do not define me and yes my identity is a mess I'm someone without dreams because I wasn't allowed to have them since I grew up poor in a less than ideal environment but I know that when I cry it's not because I want pity or attention or whatever. Still. I will avoid doing it in public at all costs because people judge and think it's all a fucking act.

[silvernoons]

I Crocheted Neil Banging Out The Tunes

rat pattern from ComlicatedKnots

piano freehanded

[silvernoons]

Made another one with the rest of the skein yeehaw aspec phone bag 🌈🖤🩶🤍🩷💜🏳️‍⚧️

[silvernoons]

Gave her a new fit. Poor thing had it rough. Rags to riches kind of deal. Went from smooshed face disaster with a sad umbrella fabric dress, to crochet dress holiday Barbie vibes with a hat haha

[silvernoons]

So I picked up a ball from one of those random machines and uh I got a randomly gendered gift with a bit of a twist lmao I managed to unsmoosh the face but poor thing had a rough existence so far