spoken-anonymous

[spoken-anonymous]

Love, don’t throw away your good parts.

I’ve ignored this blog for a really long time. I guess in a sense i’ve been kind of running away from my past. 

From who I was, ya know?

I guess it kind of helps that I didn’t do the best job of recording everything hit the fan towards the very end.

I don’t think I’ll go into all that just yet...I mean, if you wanna know, feel free to ask anything as always and I’m your open book :]

-possibly smiling to myself right now-

anyway.

A lot of bad happened, but a lot of good happened too.

I didn’t get married. 

Our relationship seemed really perfect at the beginning, but it wasn’t.  I just didn’t know any better. 

We brought out the absolute worst in each other. He brought out the worst in me. 

I let myself get reduced down into almost nothing, thinking that’s how I could become something.

That’s the funny thing about growing up with a highly dysfunctional family and having a couple (albeit minor) mental disorders.  You think that you have no idea what “normal” is supposed to look like.

Then, you find some one who you think represents that “norm” and suddenly everything you do is wrong. Suddenly, you can no longer trust yourself.

Slowly but surely, you find that you’re changing everything about yourself and getting rid of all of your good parts. 

I was losing all of my good parts and barely putting up any fight because I didn’t think I could possibly have any good parts. 

Especially if he didn’t think they were.

Things are better now. I’m better now. 

[spoken-anonymous]

Is this thing on?

It’s been almost a year since my last post, and everything is so different. I’m so different.

I’ve been wanting to write lately, but I just haven’t been able to find a creative outlet. 

I’m not cool enough for slam poetry (i’ve tried....and by tried i mean i wrote some stuff and never performed it at an actual slam haha)

Then, just now, i remembered about this little guy, my long lost blog child.

So anyways, nobody probably still follows this, which is totally ok because i’m gonna write for me.

[spoken-anonymous]

[spoken-anonymous]

[spoken-anonymous]

[spoken-anonymous]

It’s so strange...

It’s so strange...not in a bad way, but in a kinda good way...

I’m looking through old pictures on my computer, and I just had this moment.

Looking though all of my memories, it was crazy to realize how many people come into our lives to be a part of our, I guess you can call them our “forever memories”. 

Ya know, the ones that will stick with you for the rest of your life and make you smile and laugh. You’ll instantly remember everything about that moment.

These people just come into our lives, (some longer than others) and get to play a substantial part in who you are.

It’s so strange that one person can stay with you forever through a memory.

Even if they change, you change, or they leave.

I honestly cannot get over it.

I don’t understand why I’m so happy right now, but I am. :]

[spoken-anonymous]

I’m sorry, we don’t serve sass here...we serve food...cause it’s a restaurant...

So i recently started this new job, and so far I’m doing better at this job than any other one I’ve ever had!

yaaayyyy! :D

I’m a host at a restauraunt... .....restraunt.......resteraunt (note to self: learn to spell “restaurant”)... haha

and so far, the servers seem to like me which is ya know, a good thing haha

BUT

there’s this one server. This guy who is super sassy and unpleasant and we did not start off on a good foot with each other! 

He’s just so mean. ya know, the sassy “I’m going to make you feel like an idiot because you are an idiot” mean.

...but then again, i can’t spell “restaurant”...but he doesn’t know that!

I can’t help that we had a slow night yo. 

Let’s just be chill and love, yes?

RUUUUDDDEEEE

[spoken-anonymous]

A tip to you ladies out there (what I just learned about my birth control)

So I’ve learned something recently...

I started taking birth control a while back to help clear up my skin. It worked pretty well, and I had been taking it for about 9 months or so.

It was also about 9 months or so when I started to notice a change in myself. 

I thought these changes were just part of growing up as a woman. 

I became a way more emotional person, crying over basically everything.

I started becoming frustrated with Aaron over basically everything. I would just become instantly infuriated.

I hardly wanted to be with him physically, and would get frustrated if I felt like he was wanting to kiss too long.

I kinda felt like I was going crazy. All this just seemed to happen out of no where. I thought it was just who I was.

So then I had a very good older friend tell me about her experience with birth control, and how it effected her. 

Turns out SHE EXPERIENCED THE SAME THING.

Birth control effects everyone differently. 

I had no idea any of those things could happen. Nobody ever told me.

Some women don’t experience the same side effects that I have, but some might. It’s actually very common.

I’ve stopped taking it for over a week now and I’m already changing back to my old self. I haven’t cried in a while, and even though Aaron and I are working through our things, everything is getting a million times better.:]

Just in case anyone out there is thinking about birth control or experiencing what I have, I just want for someone to tell you like someone told me. <3

[spoken-anonymous]

Trapped under the rubble of our collapsing relationship.

I don’t know if Aaron and I are still in love.

It’s driving me crazy.

I don’t know if there will still be a wedding.

We’re trying to get help, and I’m trying, and I think he is too.

People keep talking to me about the wedding. 

It hurts talking about the wedding I might not have.

I don’t want to destroy our lives, and I don’t want us to get divorced.

How did we get here?

I’m trying to make the changes I need to fix myself. 

He is too.

He just can’t stop feeling weird about us...

I’ve become so co-dependent on him. 

I don’t know what I would do if I had to function on my own...I know that sounds bad. 

I’m not just wanting to stay for convenience though...I honestly thought think that we are supposed to be together...

I feel like I’m trapped under the rubble of our collapsing relationship.

I want there to be hope for us. I hope there is.

[spoken-anonymous]

wedding bells are in the air!

Weddings are expensive.

I just want to get married to the person I love, surrounded by the people I love, and this is way too complicated! haha

It doesn’t help that people keep inviting themselves....I’M SORRY YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE YOU BUT I CAN’T AFFORD TO FEED YOU OR LET YOU SIT DOWN.

[spoken-anonymous]

So it’s been a while.

A long while.....That’s kinda a good thing though, because i only really get into writing-or journaling- when things get bad, and things have been pretty good:]

There was a little episode where my mom had tried to kill herself, before she moved....(She met a guy on the internet and rode off into the sunset to be with him....this lasted a couple months).

I was going through a lot; dealing with her and trying to move her out on time while she sorted through the drama that was her mental break.

That was probably one of the lowest points i’ve had to go through, but i got through it. (I realize that sounds kinda bad....she tried to kill herself and it was one of my low points...suicide effects everyone. more than some realize.)

I realized that i left the blog on kind of a down note....I don’t like that....

Things really started looking up after my mom left me. Aaron has walked every step with me and has held me through it all. 

I really learned how to rely on God. He’s really gotten me through all of this.

I’ve made some new AMAZING friends.

I’ve also been living with a family from my church since about last November. It was a little weird cause i had only met them once, but they are the sweetest family ever!

AND THEIR HOME IS CLEAN ALL THE TIME AND DOESN’T SMELL LIKE DOG PEE! (major plus)

I really really have been doing better. it’s almost been 2 years now since the last time i cut myself. (yay recovery!!!). And I’m way less stressed, and my anxiety has gone way down. (for the most part... :])

i still have my moments and things do still get hard.

My mom still drinks, and now she’s moved to about 4 different states in the past couple months. But ya know, her life. I’m not responsible for her anymore.

I finally have my AA (yay! take that math!) and i’m waiting to hear back from the one university i applied to.

Yep. i only applied to 1. I’m that person.

But if there’s anyone out there in cyber-world who still browses through my blog, please know that i am okay and i am doing better.

[spoken-anonymous]

It sounds like you have some serious anxiety, as what you last posted.

maybe a little, things are looking up though:]

[spoken-anonymous]

The Struggle.

I'm getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning and the only things i cannot do tonight are eat and drink.

.....guess what the only two things i want to do tonight are.....

the struggle.

[spoken-anonymous]

Stressed, Proud, and Dying. (Well, at least my ego is.)

I don't know who else to talk to right now. 

So when in doubt blog, right?

Today when my mom was freaking out, I was just standing in the kitchen and had the most unappealing realization of how honestly stressed out I really am, and how unhealthy it really is. 

It was like an out of body experience.

I just realized how completely stressed out I am. I mean, I know my stress level is at a very high resting rate on average.

I mean, I'm one of those people in constant panic mode, never completely relaxed even if I look all peachy on the outside....It's better that way. I'm fine with that.

But lately I've had so many people telling me to be calm, to stop apologizing for everything. That I don't have to be so stressed and panicked all the time.

Honestly, I know everyone is just trying to help me be okay, become a "better person" or whatever but...I don't know..

I'm in my last math class for life and I don't understand a damn thing this guys is teaching us. He's an awful professor. I keep thinking that if i don't pass I'll have to retake it and it might mess with my transfer to university next fall.

My mom is moving across the country and left me to find a place to live. Ya know, that's okay, I'm an adult, I can do this...

[So this family at my church is willing to bring me in which is wonderful because they're lovely and laid back and....even though i barely know them they're so sweet. I'm meeting the whole family tomorrow to talk.]

But I realize why I am the way I am. I've been conditioned to be this way.

Constant apologizing was the only way to keep peace in my house growing up, this is something I learned at a young age. 

I was so desperate to keep the peace and make my mom happy that i would even apologize when my sister upset her, or my dad, or a random person on the street. 

Today she got pissed because she lost a copy of a key to a storage unit (we have the other one) and she just broke down completely. All of a sudden the rice crispy treat I had started nervously eating tasted so much better.

I don't know what to do. The doctor said my blood pressure is great, and I'm not over weight or anything, but I'm always panicked and stressed and now I have to keep myself in check before I start stress eating which leads to body hating and...ugh

My skin is looking awful. i feel sick all the time. My back spasms are getting worse, happening longer. According to the doctor this is all from stress. I've been having the last 2 issues since the 8th grade. I've been stressed out of my mind since i was 13. I am almost 21.

I know Aaron loves me, and he's been really good at being there for me. But even he is getting to a point where I am so stressed all the time and it is starting to get to him.

I found out that he started making up a bunch of funny stories about his day and stuff just to make me feel better. It's sweet, but at the same time it makes me feel awful.

I feel like such a burden on everyone.

On Aaron for always having to put up with me and hold my hand.

On the family that's taking me in.

On everyone I ever talk to about my situation about my mom.

I don't want anyone's help anymore. I feel like I'm this vacuum of "help me",  "poor me", and handouts. 

If one more person covers some cost for me, I'll implode. Not because I'm ungrateful, but because I am too damn proud and my ego can't handle this anymore.

[spoken-anonymous]

sorry this is random but...

i've been thinking about god and mortality a lot lately...

i dunno, i know god's real and he's out there, and ya know, with me...

but i dunno.....i just watched some youtube videos about people who have been to hell and back and just gahhhh

i'm all freaked out....hahahah

like, i know there's only one way to heaven and that's through believing in jesus and accepting him as my lord and savior, which i have...

but ya know, that gosh dang human doubt and such...

some times i wish he'd just be like "yo, little homie you all good"

i guess he does do that...maybe not in those words because ya know, god. 

but he does give me reassurance every now and then when he knows i need it...

but like every minute of every day would be really nice hahaha

oh jeeeezzeee....

[spoken-anonymous]

don't get too close, i might disapoint you!

i think i realized one of the reasons why i have such a hard time keeping friends close...

if it doesn't go wrong on their end, it seems to go wrong on mine...

i have trouble remembering to contact them, it's more difficult for me to remember to hang out with them etc....

i think it's because the farther away i am the less likely i am to be a disappointment to them....

i hate disappointing people. it's so hard for me to deal with...

and with the lack of money in my wallet and lack of a clean home to invite friends over to, i constantly feel like i can't be the friend they need me to be...

i have to give bday presents really effing late, and i can never just invite anyone over...

i dunno....i'm just afraid of getting too close to some one and then letting them down....

i need to stop that...

[spoken-anonymous]

home movies should be fun, right?

yesterday i was in a really weird mood because i had found some home movies me and my sister had taken during the time our parents were separated for the first time

usually they make me happy and laugh a lot, but this time i had this moment where everything stopped.

my sister had stolen my video camera and had been walking around the house (it was nice to see the old house) and she ended up walking into my parents dad's room...

he was just on the computer, sitting on the bed. 

she scanned the room and i could see the cage with our female guinea pigs, then the tank with out scorpion, the our dog laying on the floor..

i never noticed my dad looking that alone before....

then i paid more attention as the camera was walked though the house, everything was left the way my mom had it even though she was gone.

that's when it hit me: my mom just effing left. she broke up our family. this is all her fault. she did it twice.

i know it's not all her fault, i mean, my dad had issues....but she's the one who left. she's the one who made the choice. 

i know a lot of good came out of it...i do...

but it still really hurt realizing everything as an adult for the first time...noticing how much my dad was actually alone and even hurting.

now things are different, but the end result is still the same. 

i dunno, it just made me so sad. i missed being innocent like that. i missed having my family all together. i missed the person my mom used to be before those videos. i missed my childhood dog..

not so much the guinea pigs...but the dog.

i ended up crying myself to sleep last night, i haven't done that in a while...i feel kinda lame because it's over stuff that happened years ago...

and maybe even though i'm an adult, in college and getting engaged, my parent's divorce is still hitting me harder than i expected.