starrycassi

[starrycassi]

Andrew quietly showing Jean the queering the map website and leaving

[starrycassi]

How do I deal with not being the youngest in the room. How do I deal with being past the age where I'm a cute little thing and become an entitled nosy bitch. How do I deal with not being twelve and praised and cooed while facing down eighteen years old girls, because now I am the eighteen years old girl and I have to stare into the face of a child and realize I will never be her again. I understand how pathetic it is, to be jealous of a kid, but I have never been anything if not that.

Brightest girl her age, smartest of her generation, prodigy, future talent. And now I'm eighteen and I have nothing to show for it and the gates are closed because no matter if I solve world peace tomorrow, I will have never done it as a minor. I will never be a child again and I lost my chance to be someone great and now I am rotting away because I have no energy but I am also racing the clock and in less than a year I will be nineteen. I haven't changed the world, or published, and I've spent more time in a psychiatrist's office than in boardroom panels. I'm still smart. I know this. But never the youngest one again. Never the child prodigy. Never the puppy-eyed, naive thing I used to be. I am not cute and quirky anymore — I am rude and sharp. I grew myself an armor of harshness so as to not be overestimated and now I have to shed it because my words aren't inspiring anymore, they're instigative.

I know how ridiculous this is. How stupid. I do. But I also feel so much fucking dread over this. And I am not killing myself over it or anything, because I worked too hard to be where I'm at now, but I also feel so fucking bitter against my past self and so disappointed on my present one.

This is a genuine question. I am a psychology study — I know the theoretical answers. I do. But I want to know if there's some sort of unheard of tips and tricks? Something that actually helped someone out there? Because my problem is that I know how and why things work, and therefore stop believing in them. I can't "trick" my mind or "hack" my nervous system into calmness. I am far too self aware to do so. And I know I need to stop being so cynical and detached about it, but when I try to, my brain literally reminds me "we are doing this to be less cynical" and I just stand there like. Ah. That is sort of pathetic.

And I am so angry. So, so angry. At everyone in my past. You called my anger issues "bossy behavior" and now I have to deal with them. You called my clear ego complex "good self esteem" and now I have to relearn empathy. You stood by and let me ditch people my age to go hangout with "people who got me" and now I get bored by my peers but annoyed by grown ups. You looked at a girl who cried whenever she so much as got a 95 and went "yeah completely normal behavior". Somehow no one noticed the array of mental illnesses I am now shouldering. And I will put in the work! I will get better! I have to! I want to! But I wish I didn't have to fucking do that! I know my wounds are not my fault but are still my responsibility, but it feels so silly, that my environment gave a kid a god complex and then tossed her out.

And now I know I'm not special. And a million other people have felt this before. And the clock cannot be turned and suicide would be wasteful and I do love the simple things. But I was told I was great before I was told that I was loved, and now I am neither.

Anyways. Any of y'all have like. Any recs to deal with this. Or should I just resign myself and embrace the sweet sweet embrace of death.

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Omegaverse au where Wymack was an omega and Kayleigh was an alpha and he was the one who got pregnant.

Kayleigh being the most responsible daddy ever. She took Kevin away from David in the og because she wanted him to be happy. This woman is THEEE most supportive partner ever

They have a sweet home. David raises in popularity alongside her - where she once hid him to protect him, she now shows him off to make him proud. She refuses to be one of those alphas who keep their partners at home and docile

Kevin is still insane that's just the autism dw guys. So they're happy and blissed out and cozy

Then she dies lol #rip

Wymack gets confronted by Tetsuji - he's grieving and alone and "Come on, David, I'll take the boy off your hands for a few days"

Wymack is back to drinking. And he ALMOST sings his rights away, until Tetsuji, who always did bite more than he could chew and was drinking alongside him, says,

"I can even pay you in cash!"

It's meant to be a joke. It doesn't land.

Fast forward to Riko being denied not one, but TWO exy prodigies. This makes him actually treat Jean better-ish. Basically Jean is his Kevin. Like yeah there's still an insane power dynamic. But. Riko is also like deeply insane ofc he goes "this is the universe's payment for my THREE lost brothers" (Ichirou, Kevin, Neil)

There's also an even crazier version of this au where David actually somehow ends up on the run with Mary after Tetsuji corners him. Two mothers protecting their sons. But that won't give me the foxes so uh.

ANYWAYS!! the foxes!! Kevin grows up all with David. And you'll say "surely, Cassi, this makes him less of an asshole"

And I say SIKE

Kevin gets bitter. He's good, and he knows it. He's the heir as much of that fucking raven brat, and he knows it. His dad is too soft, and he knows it. He grows up seeing his dad be disappointed over, and over, and over again. He slowly grows incredibly annoyed with the foxes - fucking teenagers crashing HIS home, bothering HIS dad, taking away from HIS time? Oh, give this boy a break

He's basically having the experience of seeing your mom go back to the same abusive man and slowly resenting her and him for it but the man in question is the worst fucking exy team like dad what the fuck are you doing

He's still kinder than our og Kevin day. Because og Kevin is a level of bitchiness only the ravens could achieve. But he's still pretty much a pain in the ass

Idk guy's I'm having a fever and slightly delirious about it

Also. Kevin is an alpha. For the sake of the plot.

SIKE I need to think about Kevin day knotting someone down like baby come here I will be so happy w u

[starrycassi]

btw if anyone follows me for my butchered bloodline fanfic and is expecting updates just know I'm gonna rewrite that whole thing. Yeah it has six chapters and I haven't updated in three months but I've been working with professional writers because I'm trying to get one of my essays published and I've learned a lot in these few weeks!! And now I hate the whole thing!!

Open fall is still salvageable but I'm rehauling bb as soon as I can lol.

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Pls pls pls pls NORA do this game happen soon 😭🥍

[starrycassi]

[starrycassi]

I'm not going to try this out because I think the spirit of Arthur Conan Doyle would fall upon me, I am not a fan of generative AI and also I still think that's a whole data harvesting scheme but. Are there people using chatgpt to write old man yaoi.

I think the real question is: how explicit can you get there? Because, sure, I expect them to have some sort of sexually explicit comment filter, but so did c.ai and people were still getting down and dirty. So, are there filters? What's the limit? Can you bypass the limit?

Because with the amount of people telling me chatgpt is not only their best friend but also, somehow, their significant other, I'm just waiting for the stories to come out of people roleplaying themselves having sex with chatgpt. And I mean, like, actually the software itself, you know? I know for a fact someone out there has managed to get that thing to write their waifus riding them into oblivion. I'm so curious as to what else it allows, though, and sure, I could believe the terms and conditions in Google about never fostering sexually explicit material, but I also refuse to believe anything written by people whose income depends on eventually making people addictive and dependant to the product they offer.

Idk. Might be a stupid question, but it's a genuine one.

[starrycassi]

Pool # 27 -  Ann Goldberg , 2016.

Canadian , b. 1970s

Oil on canvas , 30 x 48 in.

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🐾

[starrycassi]

Compounding all my other Big Feelings about Vander R. Cain, consider fucking this:

In addition to adopting his dead friends' orphaned children who he had been an active parental figure to throughout their lives, he also adopted two more orphans that he possibly didn't even fucking know well or at all before taking them in.

Like at least Powder and Vi were already pretty close with him, and that's still hard enough with them being small children who lost both their parents in a violent traumatic incident. It's not clear how well Mylo or Claggor knew him before, but we do know that all of his core memories of them are from AFTER he adopted them, unlike Powder and Vi.

Claggor was probably so withdrawn and scared, despite Vander's best efforts to connect with him. I can see Mylo screaming and crying and biting because he just wants his mom, not this strange scary man and these strange scary other kids who all already know each other but not him.

Sleepless night after sleepless night, your four-year-old adopted daughter waking up from accidents and night terrors because that's what small traumatized kids do, having to spend a decent amount of time every night looking around for the scrawny little boy who is constantly hiding from you not as a game but because he's frightened, and trying to get the sweet quiet, reserved little boy to just talk to you, and then there's Vi, poor little Vi, doing everything she can to help and you know she shouldn't be taking on that kind of responsibility at her age but you don't have the strength to stop her. Night after night plagued by the screams of your children.

All this while trying to keep a black market running, keep people safe from police violence, grieve the loss of your closest friends and loved ones, and get your emotional dysregulation issues under control.

Like Vander fucked up so much but Jesus Christ I could Not have handled All That.

[starrycassi]

To this day my favorite character concept ever is a teenager girl prophet with visions who also has intrusive thoughts OCD. The ugly, horrible kind of intrusive thoughts. The ones that make a girl feel disgusted at herself and everyone around her. For this to work the girl needs to have been diagnosed with OCD first and be seeing a psychiatrist about it and *then* start getting visions. She tries to tell the psychiatrist and she's batted away as hallucinating. When she manages to prove it, both her and her psychiatrist just. Stare at the floor for a while. Because. What does one do now.

[starrycassi]

Was watching a video of people playing R.E.P.O., the players struggling to move a tall, thin box that gains damage if not kept upright, and was suddenly struck by the memory of posts you've made about old-school D&D having segments regarding the logistics of getting loot out of dungeons.

... I don't really have any greater thought to expound on there, unfortunately.

I maintain that you haven't truly played old-school Dungeons & Dragons until you've found yourself trying to to recover an 11th Dynasty aristocratic dining table from the fifth level of a dungeon without scratching the finish and all of the encumbrance, travel, light source, and random encounter rules are in play.

[starrycassi]

if you see her smiling, duck,,

yes, fem!neil for your eyes only

(got inspired by a tweet so go say thank you to that person)

[starrycassi]

William, dry heaving, convinced that this is how he dies, staring up at the blood soaked face of his best friend: "You're... you're not my Mark, right?

Maskless, who assumes that this means that Main Mark is dating William because that's the only logical reason for the possessive pronoun: "Oh, well, no. But I could be."

[starrycassi]

are you sure

[starrycassi]

in an interesting case of linguistic convergent evolution, the english words scale, scale, and scale are all false cognates of each other