#<- not blaming her btw. relationships and love and hate are very complicated

[nottoonedin]

ANYONE ELSE LIKE. EXTREMELY NORMAL ABOUT THE NEW COMIC. ON VIVINOS' PATREON.

Hyuna knew Luka loved her more than he loved himself.. so in turn for him taking away Hyun-woo, one of the people Hyuna loved the most, she gave Luka a taste of his own medicine.. taking away the only person Luka truly loved.

[joejhang]

my aftg hot takes

most of these are pretty lukewarm but i'm gonna get flamed for them anyway but whatever. spoilers ??? ahead ??? idk read at ur own risk

i don't think andreil ever say i love you to each other; i feel like the discourse about this is virtually endless ever since nora said it but honestly her explanation was so valid??? they're such a show not tell couple it just makes so much sense for them to show the "i love you" in their actions than ever saying the words out loud. esp bc neither of them have ever really heard those words and have them mean anything real or true or actually loving. personally i think their little percentages and the "i hate you"'s and kisses and keys mean more to them than an "i love you" ever could. i'm not a purist on this tho i do think i could visualise it happening maybe somewhere along the road i just think nora's explanation for this is very very in line with canon andreil.

i don't hate thea muldani; i've made a post abt this but basically my thoughts around her are literally just: she's a human being, and she's never gonna be perfect. i also find it very...interesting how the fandom likes to flame thea (an explicitly stated woman of colour) for being "problematic" and a "terrible person/character" when she doesn't act all that different from andrew, neil and kevin (white men) ??? idk it seems a little strange to me bc she seems pretty on par with them on whatever moral compass this batshit crazy fandom has decided to impose on these fictional and very much morally ambiguous characters. anyway go check out my post i go a lot deeper into thea's character and why she does a lot of things wrong but i don't rlly think she's deserving of the insane amounts of hate she gets in the fandom.

i don't think andreil ever get married; this MIGHT be me projecting bc the idea of marriage is just a very complicated and rough concept in my mind but also just i feel like there's something so beautiful about andreil never really putting a label on their relationship??? like they never define it by calling the other their "boyfriend" or "husband" they just are. they have nothing "concrete" binding them like a marriage certificate but they choose to stay with each other through everything. idk it's real to me but again i'm not a purist people can do whatever they want.

i've said it before but i'll keep saying it till enough people hear me: the aftg fandom mischaracterises literally the main fucking characters; i'm mostly talking about andrew and ESPECIALLY neil here bc neil is not a sweet, sunshiney, oblivious, blushy softboy and andrew is not a cold, unemotional, stoic, "conceal don't feel" stone. since i've already bitched on and on about neil's mischaracterisation let's just talk about andrew for a sec. i think andrew is actually a deeply emotional person and is fully aware of the feelings he experiences. does he vocalise or express them often? no but more often than not they show themselves anyway. him crashing out after neil was kidnapped, letting himself get walked like a dog by neil for three books straight, choking allison for slapping aaron, idk i could go on. but yeah you get it.

i don't actually think neil is that oblivious; before people come at me like "but nora said!" or whatever yeah, i know she said he's as dense as a brick when it comes to people flirting with him. considering how much of the ec the aftg fandom likes to disregard allow me to disregard this little bit of it, yeah? this isn't me tryna impose my own projections onto nora's characters, this is lit just me tryna explain how i understand neil josten (he's my bsf btw). he literally clocks his feelings for andrew in trk (after his deep convo™ with nicky) but he just files it away for later bc he doesn't consider attraction or romantic interest anything to be thinking about considering he's got the mafia and his serial killer dad on his tail. i also don't really blame him for not catching onto andrew's feelings earlier (tho doesn't he get pretty fucking close during that one convo they have in exites in trk???? someone correct me if i'm wrong but) bc dude andrew was out here sending fucking mixed ass signals like bro was saying "you are a pipe dream" and "i hate you" in the same fucking conversations like??? neil has always taken andrew at face value and he's not about to question him now. he's also never confused or uncertain about nicky or marissa and what their comments about him meant, he just genuinely does not gaf about them so he doesn't acknowledge them or pay them any attention in his narration. i truly truly think his dismissal of all the advances made upon him in aftg were borne out of indifference, not obliviousness.

have already said this in detail but i don't think andrew's actually a misogynist; the wording doesn't feel right. i'd probably describe andrew's distrust of women (esp. those in motherly/mother roles) as a similar ingrained wariness that neil has for older men. this is something borne out of trauma and shitty experiences that takes time and trust to unlearn. nora says a lot of things the fandom disregards and for me, this is one of those things i'm a little iffy about. misogyny actually isn't reflected in andrew's actions at all, i'd say. does he respect women? no. but he doesn't respect anyone unless they've actually earned it. and among the people he does respect and care for there are women (renee, bee). he doesn't treat women any differently and obv doesn't think they're any weaker than men are (considering renee wipes the floor w him their first sparring sesh). andrew's an equal opportunity hater and i don't think he actually has any sexist or even misogynistic tendencies. i think what is there is just a slightly biased worldview of disliking/mistrusting mother figures, given his bad experiences w tilda and cass (they've left him w more long-term emotional damage that's probably rlly difficult and complicated for him to work through esp considering cass did love??? him and he did want her enough to be willing to suffer dr*ke to be close to her; there's more to it but for the sake of word count i won't go into it) but honestly it doesn't actually show that much??? if people wanna say he hates women, sure, but for one, he doesn't hate a lot of things he's just very indifferent to them and two, he holds a pretty similar apathetic distaste for most people and things, so it's not like a very big distinction. i also think the whole "no girls" thing w aaron was very much a personal thing, and his mistrust of katelyn probably came from aaron's past (apparently negative) experiences w other girlfriends and friendships in general. and if i remember correctly the deal wasn't even "no girls" it was just "family only" which is why aaron didn't make friends w the rest of the foxes either. i digress but i don't think saying "andrew isn't a misogynist" is robbing him of any nuance as a character.

i like nicky and honestly feel similarly towards him as i do about thea; he isn't perfect and never will be and i think while the way he acts towards neil and others (see: matt, kevin) is pretty untoward and inappropriate, i also do see where he's coming from, esp after aaron's explanation of it. that it's a defence mechanism coming from someone who's experienced a lot of prejudice and harm because of his sexuality. obv i think everyone can agree his assault on neil was fucked up but i think nora was right in saying that nicky was high and drunk and not rlly in his right mind at the time, and he does apologise and i'm pretty sure she also said he and neil work it out privately anyway. he's a messy character and definitely not perfect queer rep but again, he's pretty realistic, and i think he's honestly a rlly well-written and complex character.

[eternalmomentss]

What are your favorite individual things about all the BH members?

Thanks anon, for making me yap about the Hells because I miss them dearly and they mean everything to me. I just went with like - character traits. I don't know if this is what you meant but here I go anyways...

For Imogen I would have to say it's that good mix of her ambition, determination and perseverance. Sometimes that can result in stubbornness but it's just something I find very endearing. And while she is fierce when it comes to what she wants, she never loses her gentle nature. Like, one of my favourite things about her entire arc is the sheer determination she displayed when it came to saving her mom, man...it was amazing to see. And it payed off! A strong and complicated mother-daughter relationship like that is so important to me. Also - you know, with perseverence I also mean being dehumanized and having to listen to vessel-arguments all the time and yet still remaining kind and on track and being willing to do whatever it takes, even though she was questioning the gods.

For Laudna I think it's her persistent happiness and kind heart. I am currently reading What Doesn't Break and honestly, if Laudna actually hated the world and felt the need to watch it burn down I wouldn't blame her. But she doesn't. She sees the good in so many things, be it a situation or just a single person and it's very inspiring. She sees the whimsy and fun in the smallest moments and that's hard to do even for people who haven't even gone through 0.1% of what she lived through.

For Fearne, obviously her absolute unfiltered wildness. This girl gives no fucks, she is unbothered and flawless and thriving and i love it for her. But also - it's gentleness. She seems aloof, sometimes detached (obviously because of her fey nature), but everything about her screams safety to me. It's really like Imogen says, she is like a flame that attracks moths. Like a beacon of hope.

For Dorian it's a very endearing mix of tenderness and selflessness. That man is made 100% out of pure affection and love and everything he ever does is for the people around him. He cares so, so much about others and the world and the way he keeps encouraging people and pointing out their own strengths to them is just so sweet and important to me (The entire war-camp moments, "I always did." "It's just us." "I love my mom too." etc, you name it). Though sometimes it makes me want to whack some self-confidence and self-appreciation into him too.

Orym obviously has this simple calm kindness about him. He tries his very best to keep the world good and generous and it was honestly so heartbreaking to see it all crumble beneath his feet as the stress spiralled out of control. He tried to hold onto one single safe outcome so stubbornly because he was scared to destroy the goodness in the world and honestly it's rare to find such simple, serious motivations in media these days. (I have much to say about Orym's internal biases about justice and what's good and bad btw, but that is a whole other story.)

Chetney is probably one of the most loyal little assholes you could ever find. One of my favourite Chetney moments i still when he snapped and spoke up about the injustice that comes with shipping them all to the front lines of the fight no questions asked. That little gnome was pissed, because how dare people talk down to his crew that went through hell and back and continues to walk through fire and get zero credit for it. Come correct or get the fuck corrected!

For FCG obviously it's selflessness. A lot of the time throughout the campaign they were very direct and sometimes even blunt in their therapy approach but at the end of the day, they really just always wanted to understand their friends and themselves and offer a realitsic and unique solution to their problems. Their inner thoughts during the Otohan fight about how the crew made them feel whole and alive brings it all to its peak.

Ashton always has this deep and intense understanding of the small, broken people and their pain. They are reckless and rude and brash but god are they careful. When they handle something fragile, they handle it with care. They always ask questions, offer help or even just give it without even asking. They always protect everyone. From early on when they ran back to save Dorian and FCG from falling depris, to gently talking to someone whose mind has been tempered with and adjusting to their needs, assuring Laudna "she isn't going to take you" during the Delilah encounter, to dragging Imogen out of Predathos while breaking apart at the edges. They understand and they care.

Braius is obviously a bit harder, so uhm I have to say forgiveness maybe. When he found out about Jester he heard her out and found the strength to forgive her too. Actually that might be one of the most surprising things about him. Good on you, cow! Go draw those dicks now!

Thanks for asking, this is just another excuse to be annoying.

[azelmaandeponine]

I think it's interesting to discuss Ford's ties to Weirdmageddon, but I hate the fandom's recent takes that involve just blaming it all on him. I think it is interesting to discuss how Bill further messed with Ford's self-esteem to make him feel like being a hero was the only thing that mattered, and since Ford had never had the opportunity to deconstruct that, he ended up unintentionally projecting this attitude onto Dipper. But in what world does that make Weirdmageddon his fault??? He very clearly had no idea how much he would upset Mabel or Dipper. He just thought he was offering Dipper the opportunity that Ford had wished he'd had himself. It is entirely normal for any family to have a breakdown in communication, much less a family that had gone through as much as Ford's family had. Bill was the one who exploited a normal occurrence to bring about the end of the world. How tf was that Ford's fault, when he didn't even get an opportunity to explain himself or even know Mabel's concerns?

Yeah like. This fandom has no media literacy and has never heard of nuance before and it shows.

This fandom also loves victim blaming abuse victims (see how they talk about Ford's relationship with Bill).

Weirdmaggedon is Bill's fault. Bill is the one who caused Weirdmaggedon.

Yes, there was a series of miscommunications in the Pines family that led to Weirdmaggedon, but that doesn't mean it was Ford's fault rather than Bill's. Bill is still the one who started Weirdmaggedon, and the miscommunications were more complicated than people give them credit for. Ford meant well, and canonically thought highly of Mabel and thought she'd be fine. He wanted to offer Dipper the chance he never had. Mabel got upset and ran out before Dipper and Ford could even begin to talk things out with her (this isn't Mabel hate, btw--if Mabel hadn't run into Bill-possessing-Blendin, she probably would have cooled down enough for them all to have a conversation and work things out).

Like guys. Miscommunications is not crossing some moral boundary. It's something that happens in interpersonal relationships. Gravity Falls fandom be normal about Ford challenge.

[aihoshiino]

What do you think Ai represents in the story in a thematic sense?

This is probably gonna be The low hanging fruit answer of all time but I think Ai pretty straightforwardly represents "love" and (at least in the first chunk of the manga), Aqua and Ruby's relationships to her and their memories of her are sort of, subtextual proxy for how the two of them relate to love.

Ruby throws herself into love as eagerly as she does with everything else - as a kid not only starved of novel experiences but love specifically, she idealizes it and gorges herself on it as soon as she has an avenue to engage with it. She's incredibly open and willing to love and be loved by other people, which in turn is represented by her having a relationship with Ai (& eventually, her memories of Ai) that is on the whole a lot healthier than Aqua's.

By contrast, Aqua is a person who deeply struggles with the idea of loving others and being loved in turn thanks to his absolutely dogshit self image and rock bottom self worth. @penguinkyun put it in a way I really vibe with a couple weeks ago:

i think its both that [aqua] feels like he doesn't deserve the love that he gets and that his love is "wrong" — its a bit complicated because its not outright said but aqua loves to put himself in the villain role every time because he refuses to acknowledge that hes losing the idgaf war severely and because he hates himself so much that he believes all his actions or at least most of them are inherently manipulative — exhibit a: akane and ruby finding goros body, aqua entirely blames himself for it despite having literally nothing to do with the actual corpse discovery. hes very similar to ai in that they both hate themselves deeply and believe they dont deserve love and both having similar issues with love in general, even though they're not the exact same

Obvs we see this reflected in their other relationships (as Lace points out here re: AquAka), but their bond with Ai is both formative and foundational and useful as a lens through which to analyze their other relationships.

Within the context of OnK's commentary on the industry, Ai is also the celebrity and discussions of the way idolhood and celebrity culture affected her in particular also function as proxies to discuss these issues in the industry as a whole.

As a sidebar, this is kind of why Ruby's ending of "surpassing Ai" kind of falls apart - within Oshi no Ko, Ai is THE symbol of celebrity and idolhood to the extent that every other performer in the series is evaluated by how they do and don't measure up to her legacy. The literal in-universe symbol of radiant charisma and captivating charm is Ai's symbol. She is given massive weight in the narrative as the embodiment and archetype of the perfect idol in a way that Ruby is not, so the attempts to be like "oh uh, ruby is a better idol than ai now btw" just feel sorta half assed LMAO

[azucar-skull]

I totally didn't forget about the costume change till the very end shh what are you talking about-

FERAL CASEY AU HAS JOINED THE COMPETITION! But wait...where did Casey go? The turtles will need help from their fellow competetors! Expect some of you to get them reaching out to you in your inbox. ;)

Here's some brief context to help:

Leo - The leader of the Resistance. Leo’s main focus is "fix the problem at hand" and hardly ever lets his people see his fear. Injuries include a cracked shell he hides behind his scarf and his amputated right arm. If it can be helped, he actually prefers not to wear a prosthetic, only wearing it for missions (this event kinda counts). He's also transmasc and wears a metal plastron chestplate built to look more rigid since female turtles have flat plastrons. Leo is dating Yuichi Usagi, a jackalope samurai, who is currently missing and presumed dead. Leo’s relationship to Casey Jr is a complicated one. In the comic, he's seen as skeptical and on guard around the kid. Little does anyone know that Leo blames himself for Casey’s infection and with that the entire apocalypse at large. He's just trying to fix the problem at hand.

Raph - Head Commander of the Resistance’s soldiers with April as her right hand. Oh yeah, Raph is bigender btw, switching between he and she. Currently in the comic, Raph is she. Raph’s gender presentation in the comp will switch between depending on whatever is convenient. (Idk I'm trying to work this out-) Raph is recently widowed, her partner Cassandra died when the team learned she was a Kraang for the past 8 years and had no choice but to put her down. Raph is left with Casey Jr, a son she didn't know about till a week ago. But she welcomes him with open arms and strives to be the best mother-father ever.

Mikey - When Casey was first rescued, Mikey was the first to show him compassion. He gave him sweets, taught him to read, write, and sign in ASL, and showed endless amounts of kindness and patience when it comes to Casey’s reintegration into society. To put it simply, he's the favorite uncle. The only one whose not afraid of his Kraang side.

Donnie - Master of multiple domains in the Resistance. Captain of the fleet, leading scientist and mechanic, in charge of the greenhouse, global network, and even is the head surgeon. His relationship with Casey is indifferent. Doesn't hate the kid, but never was one to show compassion either. His main focus is finding a cure to the Kraang infection, Casey’s hybrid body being a key to that solution. Either way, he's the only one who can neutralize Casey with a tranquilizer gun, should Casey ever go into his Kraang form.

Casey Jr - The one and only Kraang hybrid, half-alien half-human. He's only 8 years old but those 8 years have a lot of history. From being born Aztec, losing his biological family in a plane crash, getting adopted by Cassandra, getting briefly infected as an infant and becoming a hybrid, and being raised in Kraang society. After being rescued and witnessing his mom get put down in front of him, Casey’s worldview has been shattered. The turtles do their best to support him and help him unlearn the Kraang superiority mentality. Being a hybrid, Casey can transform into any Kraang monster he desires. It activates on its own when triggered by stress. And speaking of, the kid doesn't even know how to smile yet. He needs support, he needs to remain calm, and absolutely under no circumstances...should you ever let him starve. (Warning, Casey Jr has been susceptible to child abuse from the Kraang. Approach with caution.)

Good luck! (Also their outfits are based off the playing cards. Raph, King of Hearts, aka the "martyr king" who represents love and trust. Leo, Jack of Diamonds, who represents value and importance. Mikey, Queen of Clubs, who represents a change in the status quo and master of mind tricks. Donnie, Ace of Spades, who represents logic and death. And last but not least, Casey Jr...the Joker. Representing versatility, disguise, and the ability to take on any form.)

[fruitjuices]

I would LOVE to hear 1, 9, 11, 12, and 25 for your dnd character and her vampire wife 💜

YAY!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!! THANK YOU SM!!!!!!!

1. who fell first, and who fell harder?

omg... so literally AND figuratively speaking lyudmila (the aforementioned vampire wife) fell first. both bc she threw them both off of a cliff the first time they met. #meetcute. and bc she is also far far far more emotionally intelligent and can actually like.. identify and understand why she's feeling the way she is, so she pretty easily went 'oh i like her! yay :)' vs olenna (the aforementioned dnd character) who spent like six months going 'i would kill for her i would die for her i am trying to be a better person for her. This is all completely normal and means nothing btw' until it hits her like a brick on the head in a random tavern <3

9. soulmates by fate/chance or by choice?

the idea of fate/choice is actually a pretty major theme in olenna's life and (i think) what my dm has planned for her character and the campaign in general so this is suchhh a beautiful question to chew and gnaw on!

i think they'd both have different answers to this tbh. olenna would definitely err on the side of choice. she's done a lot of terrible things (and can't/won't recognize she was a child influenced and pushed by forces much larger and stronger than her, because that would mean recognizing she was able to be controlled, which would mean she was weak, and weakness/powerlessness is her greatest fear) and is convinced she's irredeemable because of it. her way of coping is to assign all the blame/responsibility on herself, because at least that way she was strong enough to make a choice - she just chose wrong. and she hates the idea of someone else pulling the strings on her life (which i only realized was important to her when she LITERALLY was puppeted around in our last fight. but i digress.) so. soulmates by choice.

lyudmila on the other hand... she hasn't had an easy life by any means, but i think the idea of like... no matter what she's been through, no matter whats been done to her, knowing that love was still waiting for her and it always would have found her is like. super super comforting. she also doesn't have a guilt/responsibility complex and in general she's got a much brighter outlook on life, so the idea of fate tends to skew more positive than negative for her. she really likes to think fate brought them together :)

11. who's more likely to do stupid, impulsive, or random stuff, and who's there being like, 'regrettably, that's the love of my life'?

ok in an effort to keep this brief... lyudmila does the silly, impulsive thing and olenna acts like she hates it but in REALITY she's eating it up. and mila knows that. and she's actually very much aware of when she's doing something impulsive, she just knows it'll get olenna to smile. which is why she did it in the first place! she's playing chess everyone else is playing checkers!!!!!!

12. one to three songs that remind you of them

not only will i give you three songs but i will also add lyrics that make me think of them <3

our house | crosby, stills, nash & young

life used to be so hard / now everything is easy ‘cause of you

unknown / nth | hozier

i could break beneath the weight / of the goodness, love, i still carry for you

unfucktheworld | angel olsen

i am the only one now

25. one to five tropes they embody or could pull off in an au

relationship reveal - mostly because when olenna revealed she was looking for lyudmila (she calls her her better half <3) she did not mention she was a vampire. because the rest of the party has nottt been very chill about vampires. so that's going to be a fun reveal!

vegetarian vampire - lyudmila was raised by her maker to only kill abusers <3

disappointing older sibling - olenna's relationship with her family is soo complicated and sooooo fraught and currently she thinks it would be better for her little sister to think she was dead than actually know what she's done. so. self imposed title of disappointment <3

[bisluthq]

I agree, we're gonna have to agree to disagree, but just to give you my final opinion on these things... I don't think Matty would share location with anyone 😅 plus the bar said that Joe was the guy that went there and sharing your location is something you do when you're in a long term relationship, not when you dated for 1 month... She broke uo with Joe but still expected him to fight for her, at least a little, so 6 weeks after breaking up a 6 years relationship is normal to feel these things... Btw not a Joe widow at all, can't stand that guy after what happened, just my thoughts 😂

About ICDWABH , I think this part in the first chorus "He said he'd love me all his life" is Joe and the second chorus "He said he'd love me for all time" is Matty to say that she's broken from both of them. But that second verse is all Joe "I can hold my breath, I've been doing it since he left. I keep finding his things in drawers."

Joe lived in her houses for 6 years, she wouldn't find much in her drawers that belong to Matty...

it wasn’t a bar, it’s a PUB (there’s a pretty big difference) and they said Joe and Taylor BOTH went there. They also launched a Swiftie themed menu. Joe himself says he never goes there. So idk. The odds of a sit down pub playing a very arbitrary song that Matty has PUBLICLY loved (and actually when he covered it he dedicated it to people in their 30s which makes the whole bit about “she’s too young to know the song” really hit home) are much lower than an emo bar playing it (still not high but easier to imagine and Matty literally had a much younger gf when he played Cork). Matty and Taylor clearly had a long and complicated thing - they didn’t just date for one month so I can absolutely believe he shared his location with her because per TTPD he also told Lucy he’d kill himself if she left him.

I don’t get the sense of you widowing, I get the sense you’re blaming random shit he didn’t do on Joe lol because you don’t want Matty to have mattered but Matty did matter. Matty did promise to marry her. Matty said (or implied) he was braver than Joe. Matty and her discussed kids. Matty promised her he’d changed. She was willing to blow her entire life up FOR MATTY and then he just dipped lol which absolutely BROKE her.

if you’re gonna hate someone for what they did, hate Matty (also unfair because idk he’s a pretty fucked up dude who was in a fucked up situation and confused clearly). Joe was just a crummy boyfriend lol 🤷🏻‍♀️ Matty legit HURT her.

also Matty famously leaves his shit everywhere (with exes too but also the typewriter from TTPD?) and we KNOW he left his vintage Beatles T-shirt at hers because she wore it post breakup so yeah I believe she kept finding his shit and I think that was very disconcerting. A lot of Joe’s shit would’ve been joint shit nobody really knew who it belonged to by that stage, or would’ve been collected (clothes, accessories, tech items he’d bought and cared about etc). Finding Matty’s crap would’ve been a legit jump scare.

I do, however, find your “he said he’d love me for all time”/“he said he loved me all the time” as about two different people interesting and I like it. I still think it’s all about Matty because he did say he’d love her for all time lol he promised to marry her??? Clearly he said he’d love her forever????? But I’m into complicating interpretations and that is complicated and interesting.

[chiisana-sukima]

@jinkieswouldyoulookatthis -- I realized it would probably be easier just to paste relevant parts of the conversation up til now in a reblog of this ask, so, continued from here:

Acknowledging that there are consequences to every action we take, every choice we make, no matter how well justified at the time we made it, and that those consequences affect other people in ways that sometimes hurt them in deep and lasting ways, is not blaming.

I agree with this 100% and hope I didn't come off like I was saying the above would be victim-blaming. Rather I think that Berens thinks that Mary actually is partially to blame for everything Dean says to her in the scene where he confronts her, and that the most likely intended reading of the scene is that it's generous of him and healing for him and Mary both to put the whole truth out there, and for Dean to empathize by realizing he's made similar mistakes and forgive her for an understandable but very harmful mistake she made so they can start new and begin a more healthy and realistic relationship. I think if the viewer comes away from the scene with this interpretation, they have the "correct-est" interpretation of the scene, in that they've reached the intended conclusions and gotten the intended emotional catharsis.

Unfortunately, since I don't think it was her fault in any meaningful way, that's not the emotional response the scene evokes in me. In a situation where there's no fault, but only a statement of cause and effect, I believe I hate you or [list of horrible outcomes], all of it was because of you aren't things anyone needs to hear or say from or to a loved one. That's not to say Dean isn't justified in feeling that way or that he doesn't need to say them to someone, I just think Mary isn't the person it would be healthy or good for the relationship for him to say them to. Pretty much anyone else--perhaps Cas or Rowena, since they are friends with complicated relationships with family of their own-- would be better.

Of course, in the episode, I am definitely wrong, because Berens has set it up so that she needs to hear those words in order to break free from the MoLs' brainwashing. But I think it's Berens who is wrong-- both about how causation works and about how healthy relationships work. He appears to have forgotten or ignored that she was coerced and even what order the events happened in, and has written Dean's lines as much harsher than I think a scene that could be cathartic for both of them--assuming she is not blameworthy--should have gone. That's where I think Berens is victim-blaming. If she's blameless, "I'm angry at you so often, even though I know it wasn't your fault. But I love you so much too" is the cathartic, relationship-healing thing to say. If Dean hates her for things that are not her fault (which would be 100% understandable), that's a Dean problem and she's not the appropriate party to solve it.

(This is not intended as a criticism of Dean btw, although I'm certainly not above criticizing him; the whole scene just didn't work for me, and Berens wrote Sam endorsing monster genocide and often saying stuff that reads as victim-blamey to me too. It's a criticism of Berens. Also omg this is so long already lol. My apologies.)

All of our choices have an impact, none of us are free from responsibility for those impacts and our part in what comes after as a result.

So, here is the part I mostly wanted to ask you about/discuss. I read a meta recently where the OP was saying that Sam tends to diffuse responsibility for things the OP felt he should not, and that Dean doesn't do this, but maybe takes on too much responsibility. And the thing I found striking was that my immediate response was "yes, I agree about Dean, but as to Sam, I know what kinds of things you mean and the responsibility should be diffused. It doesn't belong on him". I found it kind of funny that I'm a Sam girl (gn) and my instinctive response was exactly what the meta was disapproving of Sam doing lol.

And the weird thing is, this idea--that we are responsible for (? all) the impact of our own choices, even when they get beyond our immediate circle of control, is so alien to the way I think that I don't even think I understand what people who believe it actually believe. And since I've been rotating in my mind recently how Sam fans vs Dean fans self sort, I've been wondering if this is one of the main areas. (It's just a half baked theory--I havent been thinking about it long enough to decide how robust I think it is yet).

So, for example, I'm a retired nurse, and for the majority of my 28 years nursing I was an acute care float nurse, which is someone whose job is to go to the worst staffed floors in a hospital and do whatever specialty is needed there. I took early retirement in my 50s because, like many nurses, the job had ruined my health. When I quit, I was one of the most experienced nurses in the hospital, and they did not replace me. Research shows that every patient a nurse has above four (on a med/surg floor), increases the mortality rate 7%, so in practice, it's possible people have died about my decision. In my very strong opinion, this is not my responsibility. It's above my pay grade.

Another example: I have a younger brother who recently told me that he went to [home city from when we were little] for an academic conference and while there had hallucinations. We have a shared trauma history from the time we lived there and he also had a seizure disorder when he was young that he "outgrew". I have some what I believe to be very good advice for him--principally that while it was likely a trauma response it could also have been a seizure and he should see a neurologist. But he specifically stated he didn't want advice, so I didn't give any. God forbid he has a seizure and dies, I'll of course feel terrible, but it won't be my responsibility. What he does with his health is above my pay grade--I'm not inside his head and can't know what's best for him.

One of the main reasons I love Dean is his incredibly relatable survivor guilt. I too often feel like he does in Sam, Interrupted when he tells the psychiatrist in his head that the number of people he needs to save before he can feel okay is "all of them". But from my perspective, these are feelings, not truth. Sam and Dean (and Cas) are heroes for working way, way above their pay grade in stopping the Apocalypse, but it was never (imo) really "on" them, like the narrative sometimes seems to claim and sometimes seems to deny. Imo, their piece of responsibility in it is so minimal as to be meaningless.

This leaves the question then of "but when do people have responsibility for their decisions and actions" and for me personally, I think the answer is "people have the responsibility to be as compassionate as they're able to in the moment they're in, both to themselves and to others, and everything else will follow from that". I do think this is a pretty vague and pragmatic cost/benefit-style approach, and it actually does make me think of Sam, who has a core set of principals in which compassion is paramount, but then makes his decisions--not always wisely--somewhat on the fly.

So anyways, I'm very interested in your thoughts on what it means to be responsible for the results of your decisions and actions. Are there limits around this when your decision is constrained by outside forces you can't control or does "free will" for you mean that you're always responsible? How do you know how far back in the chain of events to go before it's not your problem anymore, or is it always your problem? Is what you love about Dean partly related to the difficulties in figuring this question out and knowing how to handle it?

Hi! I'm really interested in some of the points you brought up in your reblog about Mary, free will, and our obligations to each other as people, but i also dont want to bother you if you feel done with the conversation. I'm especially interested in kind of a side issue, i guess (?), which is that I've been rotating in my brain where the division between Sam-leaning and Dean-leaning fans come from and am currently rotating the theory that, mirroring our blorbos, Dean-leaning fans tend to assign more causation inside individual characters and Sam-leaning fans tend to assign more causation to outside forces. I would love to discuss this with a Dean fan, but it's also such a touchy topic that it's hard to know how to go about it. If you are up for it, I would probably cut and paste your response off the Mary post into a new post and tag you in so as not to derail the Mary OP's post, but if you want to be done, I'm fine with that too. Do you have any preferences about this?

I am always up for discussions, especially when I know there isn’t animosity behind them (written stuff can be tricky that way sometimes and it’s nice to not have to worry about it). I’d love to hear your thoughts about it, go for it!

[jamieedlund]

Aaravos made Callum too hot for everyone but Rayla has to be like the "My boyfriend and his very tall and sparkly master" but Callum is holding the worm instead cause Aaravos lets him cling to it during the night.

(skip to TLDR if reading isn't your passion🙏🙏🙏)

I feel like I wouldn't touch on Callum and Rayla's relationship because I'm one of the people who strongly feel that there isn't any chemistry in their romance. I will say this though, because the way I'm writing this basically kicked off after season 3- The reason why Callum and Aaravos, in ANY POSSIBLE WAY can become close is because he did not find solace in the discrimination that the elven mages(and maybe most of the elves too tbh like c'mon do you really believe discrimination can be erased in a span of months??) treats him even after he helped protected the baby dragon;

Possibly also the fact that in the book Rayla left him to find her parents. Which he probably would not blame her, but that does contribute to the overwhelming possibility that after meeting Aaravos, Callum's opinion as well as his interest in the people he knew would change. (and not to mention the fact that because everyone hates Aaravos so much, they have to be on the run)

(sketch from a planned piece I wanted to post on valentine but never finished, Cally wanted to buy a thing for his master because they only have each other while the entire world is hunting them down)

And to be honest Aaravos is more interesting and beautiful than anyone he has ever met, not to mention all the preachy garbage people has been feeding him about how "dark magic" is bad and his master is somehow "a fate worse than death" but in reality it's more complicated than that. Would he not have loathed if not a little pissed that the world, especially i feel that Rayla will too, treated the man he adores like some sorta plague?

It should be noted that I intend their love for each other to be not quite friends but not quite family either, but non of them wants to force the other to do anything they don't want and I will leave it at that.

Callum was robbed of most of his personality in the show, I feel deeply that he would not be willing to continue a normal boring life as well as a relationship where his partner does NOT understand him, at ALL. When he talks about magic, she doesn't have a clue. She doesn't like his jokes (to be fair he doesn't find her joke funny either), she does not get him and always calls him weird, in a bad way. All of these are canon btw. TLDR In conclusion...Callum probably doesn't see himself as too hot or too attractive, but if he had acknowledged Aaravos as his master, he would have had a change of perspective, maybe SEVERAL CHANGES of perspectives... therefore a normal life and his teenage romantic relationship will probably seems unappealing to him.

You can disagree! This is just how I intended for their characters to turn out in the way I'm writing them. But in the end of the day, yes. he would hug the caterpillar to sleep...when he did not know that was also his master--- Callum is very aware of his master's beauty, yknow like a normal teenager... He's probably shy 👉👈

I actually did this concept a long time ago wheezes

laughs in he probably did the little pet talk with the caterpillar unknowingly before he sleeps---like you're so adowable! i wuv you so much etc--- and who's a good little squishy---- idek how do people talk to their cats....

[margarethx]

I really wish people gave more personality and plot relevance to the side characters (especially Sarah, her kids, and Torres) in the Sambucky fanfiction other than just “matchmakers”.

I get why writers do that, to be honest. Having a separate person in the narrative who pushes two main, oblivious characters to be together is very convenient when you’re coming up with the plot. A matchmaker is a good outside force to move the story forward and they can often express the emotions that the audience feels while reading (like the frustration: “why are they not a couple already?!” or relief and fondness: “they finally got together, I love them!”).

But it still feels weird to have a person like Sam’s literal sister, who knew Sam for years and who has a family or a business on her own, and only make her care about her brother’s love life. Same thing with Joaquín who has more of a prefessional relationship with Sam, but also admires him a lot as a superhero... (let’s ignore his pretty obvious crush for a moment). They both care about Sam, for sure. But it’s not like their lives are entirely devoted to him and his heart problems.

(Btw. people often use Sharon or Zemo as the default matchmakers too, but it’s a little bit different with them, expecially Zemo, considering that they are not exactly friends with Sam and Bucky and they wouldn’t spend this much time together outside of the missions.)

----- ------- -----

And the thing is... it would be incredibly easy to make these characters have more depth than just: “Sarah is there to make Sam jealous” and “Torres is there to make Bucky jealous”. You really don’t have to put much effort into treating these characters better.

If you want Bucky to have an honest conversation with Sarah where she gives him hints that Sam likes him? Go ahead. But that conversation can happen when Bucky helps her with her business. They can talk about her efforts to feed people in their town. She can tell Bucky some stories about her and Sam from their childhood or just talk about her kids and husband. They can talk about missing their parents. Maybe Bucky solves some problem for her and she decides that maybe she can pay him back by helping with the “Sam situation”. It really doesn’t have to be like: “hello, I’m Sarah, I am here to tell you that Sam likes you too... I have to go somewhere else suddenly, bye”. But that’s way too often how she’s written.

Same with Joaquín... I never really see anything about him getting new wings (which he’s obviously excited about), but he could easily bond with Sam by flying together, so he can train faster with Sam’s help. They can talk about working for the military, being away from their families. What hobbys do they share? Why did Torres know how to repair Redwing? How does Torres feel about working with an actual Avenger? How was his life when half the population disappeared? Is Sam protective over his younger colleague? If they talk about Sam’s crush, maybe they can talk about Joaquín’s too (on Sam or not)?

And the same thing goes for stories where it’s Sam talking with Sarah and Bucky talking with Torres.

----- ------- -----

I do not expect people to write 30k fanfics about side characters that the audience doesn’t know that much. It’s very cool if you do that, but it’s harder to get inspiration and ideas if a character isn’t well-established in canon. I don’t blame writers for not writing whole separate stories about Torres yet. We’ll probably see more of him in the future and there will be time for my “where are the Joaquín fics!?” campaign :>

But like I said... You don’t have to come up with an insanely complicated storyline for these characters to make them feel more real and interesting. They can still act like matchmakers, get frustrated by Sam and Bucky’s obliviousness, and plot to get them together etc. It’s just way better when they have a personality outside of that.

A story where “Joaquín tries to learn how to fly, asks Sam for help, and they became closer friends, so now he wants to help Sam with his chaotic love life while they make jokes about Bucky hating Redwing all the time” sounds way more enticing to me than a story where “Sam said one nice thing to Joaquín which made Bucky so jealous that he was mean to Torres for the next two weeks and never said sorry... but we don’t even know how Joaquín feels about it, because author doesn’t care”.

I cannot be the only one who thinks that.

[butteerfly]

— Dating bnha boys ♡

headcanons 🦋

(don't judge me, I'm so insecure that I'm using the translator 🤡)

WARNINGS: mentions of non-con, toxic relationship y aggressive attitudes (yeah, I stan villains)

katsuki bakugo; shoto todoroki; izuku midoriya; dabi; chisaki kai; shigaraki tomura

KATSUKI BAKUGO

hates yelling at you, he can never do it no matter how hard he tries

you are his girlfriend for a reason so you deserve all the kindness in the world

loves to cook so you can taste the food

and since you both like spicy, extra spicy couple !!!

teaches you to use the knife carefully, holding your hands from behind and with his chin on your shoulders 🥺

powerful couple, you always train together

hates the idea of ​​deku being your best friend but accepts it

you have to hug him first

don't forget to hug him

In private he is very affectionate, but in front of your friends he only holds your hand.

possessive boy

If you don't talk to him for a whole day, thinks you're going to break up with him

is insecure with your relationship, but you fix everything by talking

You talk a LOT, that's why you hardly ever argue

you play video games on saturdays until 6 in the morning

you beat him in the middle of the games

pillow fight

Not a real fight, but a fight after all

He always throws you out of bed, he's so strong darling

he always carries you on his back

just love him, sometimes he's a bit rough with you but he doesn't do it with the intention of hurting you

SHOTO TODOROKI

at first he was very shy

you make weird things happen on his tummy, don't blame him

he loves your smile

and your laugh

and also your eyes

this boy is crazy about you, so in love

play with your hair, so soft

he is a flower boy

And since roses are your favorite flowers, don't be surprised if one day he arrives with a bouquet of 100 red roses just for you

Rich boy, he buys everything he likes for you even when you don't want it, just let him be

you share rings, he chose them

you have dates next to the sunset

and always carry chocolates for you

your quirk is not the strongest, but he knows how smart you are and he knows you could beat him in a real fight

you are his pretty girl

always tells you how pretty you are

and he blushes every time you remind him how beautiful he is too

he has trouble socializing, so there are a lot of words your friends use that he doesn't understand

you explain to him very patiently what he does not understand

you always give him soft kisses on his scar and remind him how beautiful he looks

baby starts crying 🥺🥺

you mean a lot to him

You do not understand how someone as kind and adorable as Shoto, went so long without being loved in the right way, because you have no doubt that his entire family, including his father, loves him very much, but you also know that many difficult things happened in the Todoroki family, your baby went through so many things :(

you came into his life to love him and give him the confidence in himself that he lacks, and he loves you too much for that

IZUKU MIDORIYA

he doesn't understand how someone like you likes someone like him

but you always remind him that he is beautiful in many ways, he blushes

you take a lot of pictures of him while he's distracted, you actually have a whole folder dedicated to him on your phone

It's hard to kiss him without him passing out, but you always do it to get him used to it ;)

you sometimes try to cook together, but ...

nothing better than a pizza night and some disney movies !!

you would really love to sit on his lap and hold him tight, but he would definitely die 💀

your dates are always in a cafe, he buys you a strawberry cake because he knows you love them even when you only mentioned it once

baby has trouble controlling his own immense strength and always accidentally breaks glasses with his hand

For that reason, he always hugs you carefully, he's afraid of hurting you :(

loves to play with your hand, which is considerably smaller and softer than his hand

you are his best nurse

the way you touch his scars, without fear of hurting him or getting hurt, just makes his heart fall more in love with you

In fact, you are the first person who, after seeing his room, is not ashamed of his fanaticism towards the former number one hero, you think his admiration is incredible.

you are the couple who give each other confidence and motivation ✨

villains

DABI

well .. this is complicated

you met him in a very dark bar, with dangerous people around you, you should know that nothing good was going to come out

And that's the harsh reality

If some man looks at you too much while you two are walking in the city, don't doubt for a second that he is going to start a fight for you

too jealous

always has a hand on your hip, wherever you guys are

kisses with him are always passionate, long and very loud, he always bites your lower lip until it starts to bleed

It is difficult to be the girlfriend, sometimes he spends MONTHS by your side, and suddenly, one morning you wake up and he is no longer by your side, you know that he left

You have no choice but to cry, you don't know if the tears are from fear and worry, or that your heart broke because the reason why he left is that he got tired of you

you hate him because this lasts many more months than he spends by your side

and you hate him much more when he comes back full of wounds

your discussion is very intense at that moment, it even ends in mutual physical attacks

you have many burns on your skin because of his quirk

he feels something very annoying on his chest every time he sees those scars

but not everything is bad, to the surprise of many

always steal vodka from some store for you, you two love to drink together until you lose consciousness

some nights, he carries you to the shared bed and proceeds to relax his whole body on yours, his head rests on the crook of your neck

take advantage of the moment to leave hickeys on your soft and sensitive skin

he's a fucking vampire, the next morning your neck is PURPLE

He also tells you about how stain's ideology means a lot in his disastrous life

you listen to him carefully and he falls in love much more because you are the only person who really listens to him seriously, even when your relationship has many ups and downs

CHISAKI KAI

I would dare to say that you are his girlfriend against your own will

he is fucking overhaul, he is with you probably because you are one of his whims

He is so cold, he never hugs you and never kisses you, sometimes you feel like you are nothing

but you have to understand something, his job and responsibilities force him to be heartless with EVERYONE

if you don't take a shower first, he won't let you sleep next to him

he won't even let you out of the basement if it's not for a good and justified reason

he always takes showers with you, it is the only moment he can share with you without a care

he even grabs you by the waist and kisses you really hard, which never happens

he is VERY possessive

you are HIS and nobody else's

for that reason he becomes very annoying on days when you don't want him to touch you

btw he doesn't care 💀

two of his men follow you EVERYWHERE

deep inside, you are one of his top priorities

does not tell you or anyone else, but constantly misses your presence and cares a lot about you

You better not get sick, because if that happens you are going to force him to use his quirk with you, and he may love you, but he is not a compassionate man

you love Eri, and you don't like what they do to her but you can't fight for her either, so all you do is play with her to give her something from the childhood she's losing :(

Kai sees this and doesn't like it, but admits that after playing with you Eri is less resistant, so it is beneficial to his plan.

Your boyfriend thinks that there are many things in the world that are wrong and the solution is to eliminate them, he also knows that you are wrong, but he sees a solution for you

SHIGARAKI TOMURA

(look at his arms omg)

dating him is DANGEROUS

dangerous and frustrating

he doesn't care if another man fucks you, if he's in the mood he won't waste time killing people for stupid reasons

you are the stupid reason 💀

well .. your discussions are INSANE

you THROW things at him, you can't let him get CLOSER to you, you know he won't hesitate to KILL YOU

Kurogiri: *sighs*

you cry a lot after arguing, like a LOT

He may be a psychopath, but when he calms down and sees your tears all over your face, something VERY annoying settles on his skin

"oi.. sorry" don't wait for more

He lets you hug him all you want, he won't admit it but he's SOFT with u

I think your relationship is not official, you are the woman he likes the most and makes him horny, he is with you when he wants

hands on your waist whenever you're around

and you're with the only person who shows his face all the time, he says it's easy to kiss you

he loves to kiss you, just kiss you, that's reason enough for you to be his girlfriend

lets you try different skin care with him, but IN PRIVATE

you always wear tight clothes and he gets horny 🥵

When he's this affectionate with you, he kills anyone who dares to look at you

Shigaraki doesn't know how to love, the only people who ever loved him are dead because of him

He is very worried that the same thing happens to you, help him to love you

you are the only person who holds his hands without fear of being hurt

and he doesn't understand why, but you make something inside him warm in a nice way

🦋🦋🦋

�� I really hope you liked it, I am very new to this and my English is not very good 💀

[my-personal-multiverse]

I saw your anti-Bangel I Will Remember You post, and if I remember correctly, didn’t Angel ask the powers to swallow the day because the Powers That Be told his Buffy was going to die? And him turning back time would either allow him to help her in the battle to come, or prevent her death entirely? Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but isn’t it about Angel being selfless and giving up the one thing he’s always wanted to keep Buffy safe and alive? Love you blog btw

I think that before that point he's already fucked up by even going to them to talk about all this without having talked to her first. That's the whole problem, he thinks it's up to him to protect her like a little child as though she doesn't deserve a say in the matter. All this concerns her. Even if they hadn't swallowed the day and just turned him back he still should have talked to her. Because he's making decisions that will severely impact their relationship and as such her life because he thinks he needs to protect her (which she has said he doesn't) without consulting her. Or even telling her. Like "hey Buffy I'm going to ask them to turn me back" "but angel then we can't be together why???" *insert bangel drama*. End in the end Buffy would have ended up agreeing with him if he had been like "I need to do this to protect the people" because she understands that. ( on top of all this there's the fact that angel simultaneously is like "can't be with Buffy as a human because I need to be a strong vampire to protect her and would only get in the way" and also "can't be with Buffy as a vampire because she needs a normal human guy and life" like should Buffy just stay single forever.) 

I think one of the reasons I am so incredibly mad at angel in this episode and this episode as a whole is that it starts with this conversation:

(I took the dialog from the transcripts wiki because I didn't want to have to rewatch the entire thing myself.) 

Angel: "Well, umm, it's good to.. Can I get you anything?" 

Buffy: "How about - an explanation? - Who do you think you are coming to my town and following me around behind my back?" 

Angel: "I'm sorry." 

Buffy: "What is this? (...)" 

... 

"(...) What are we playing here?" 

Angel: "We're not. I'm not playing anything. I wrestled with this decision.." 

Buffy: "Which you made without me." 

(this line is so important to me. They start the episode with this and then instead of really exploring this and maybe dealing with the persistent problem in Buffy and angels relationship where he doesn't allow her to make these choices or communicate with her they just ignore this and let him continue to do the same bullshit she calls him out for and then try to make it romantic. Wtf) 

Angel: "I tried to do what I thought was right. It's complicated how this all happened, Buffy, you know? (...)" 

... 

Buffy: "You didn't feel that I was important enough to even tell me that you were there." 

Angel looks at her: "I'm trying to explain. It's because I felt that you're important that I didn't tell you."  (what are you on about angel?? "I don't tell you things because I care. I go behind your back because I care." what kinda Kindergarten "he's mean because he likes you" bullshit is this) 

Buffy: "I'm a big girl now, Angel. I'm not in High School anymore. A lot has happened in my life since you left." 

Angel: "I know. I respect that." ( maybe show that by not doing the same thing again angel) 

Buffy: "And I don't need you skulking around, trying to protect me. (...)" 

I really don't know how much clearer she could be. Don't make choices behind my back trying to protect me. She literally traveled to LA to tell him this. That's how much it bothered her. 

Also the fact that he leaves while she's sleeping without telling her. Like yes he is human now and the curse isn't in effect but that doesn't change the fact that she has trauma about sleeping with guys and them not being there in the morning. He might not know about Parker but he knows what happened the last time they slept together and he can't be that oblivious to how that affected her and how him just leaving in the night without waking her or even leaving a fucking note is just fucked. It's fucked. And if he really doesn't understand this he doesn't understand her and lacks basic fucking empathy.

Buffy: "Where is Angel?" 

(some back and forth) 

Cordy with a sigh: "He told me not to tell you." 

What the fuck angel?? Not just not telling her but explicitly telling others to not give her information and keep her out of the loop.???. That isn't some oversight oops I forgot that is an active choice to keep her in the dark about things and not allow her any agency to make choices. 

(side note: I generally love cordy but "(...) And anyway, it's your fault that he went to fight that thing by himself without..". Yeah no. Don't go blaming Buffy for angels choices. She's not responsible for any of this. She didn't make this choice. Angel made sure of that.) 

And about the oracles 

Angel: "The Mohra demon said the end of days had begun. That others were coming, soldiers of darkness. I need to know if he was telling the truth."

Man: "As far as such things can be told." 

(super vague and literally my point. "as far as such things can be told" nothing is written in stone. Prophecy gets misinterpreted. It is not fact.) 

Angel: "What happens to the Slayer when these soldiers come?"

Woman: "What happens to all mortal beings. Albeit sooner in her case."

Angel: "She'll die? - Then I'm here to beg for her life." 

(she was prophecied to die and survived it before. Like you can't take any of this at face value. And she gets brought back the next time too and him being or not being a vampire has nothing to do with it) 

The Oracles turn and walk away: "It is not our place to grant life or death."

Angel: "And I ask you to take mine back. (The oracles stop walking and turn back to him) Look I can't protect her or anyone this way, not as a man."

Woman: "You're asking to be what you were, a demon with a soul, because of the Slayer?"

(they don't say shit about him needing to be a vampire to save her life or him being able to better protect her or him being able to avoid her death if he isn't human. He makes that assumption. And they are just mildly intrigued by the whole situation but they are not saying he's right) 

Man turns to leave again: "Oh, this is a matter of love. It does not concern us."

Angel: "Yes, it does. The Mohra demon came to take a warrior from your cause - and it succeeded. I'm no good to you like this. I know you have it in your power to make this right. Please." 

(they consider doing it after he let's them know that he will also be no good to the powers that way. But this is unrelated to Buffy and this is the thing that then makes them think of a way to do it. Because they realize him being a vampire is good for them. Not Buffy. Yes Buffy is his motivation but they just vaguely talk around it and never confirm to him that as a vampire he can save her life. He just wants to believe that because it fits into his martyr complex. And again. He can't actually save her as a vampire. ) 

So basically I hate angel in this episode and I hate that the episode frames all of his bullshit as romantic. 

But thank you for the question anon. Ranting about angel is very cathartic for me. 

[addictedtostorytelling]

Hi

In the earlies seasons Sara was so dominat and confident about herself, so head strong, she even challenged and mock Grissom a lot of times, she was like his equal but then she was this scared little girl, so submissive, so fragile and insecured around him that made me hate Grissom for changing all about her, he literally make her afraid of even talk to him, he make her insecured and sad. He was like "I can't have you, so no one can have you either, so I'm gonna be so jealous and irrational rude to you and make you miserable as long as I want, and I will call YOU when I'm ready to be with you" agh

Poor Sara, she didn't deserved that from Grissom.

BTW I love your account 💓

hi, anon!

i have a couple of old metas here and here on the subject of how grissom does at times mistreat sara during the early seasons of the show, if you're interested.

elsewise, my thoughts are under the “keep reading,” if you’re interested.

__

while early on grissom is oftentimes unfair to sara and his behavior does sometimes hurt her, i don’t think we can blame sara’s s4 and s5 depression entirely on him.

as i talk about in this post, the situation is a lot more complicated than just “grissom is a dick to sara, and it breaks her.”

for one thing, many of the traits you identify in sara—i.e., her being dominant, confident, headstrong, etc.—were only a kind of false bravado on her part to begin with. 

the truth is that the sara of the early seasons of the show is very much scared and fragile on the inside due to the trauma she’s experienced throughout her life, but she doesn’t want to be perceived as weak, so she masks what she actually feels with a very affected type of stridence; she’s vulnerable, so she tries to pretend that she’s anything but.

—and that fear and that vulnerability were in her before anything ever happened with grissom.

those traits stem from her childhood abuse and from never having secure attachments, as well as from her being nearly constantly abandoned by the people who should have loved, cared for, and protected her throughout her life. 

as an adult, she has fairly low self-esteem, so she covers by talking a big game.

however, in actuality, she very much doubts herself and struggles to consider herself “worthy.”

certainly, grissom’s repeated rejections of her during s3 and s4 do not help her mental state in this regard at all—and don’t get me wrong: i’m not trying to “let him off the hook” for how he treats her; he definitely does do her wrong on multiple occasions—but the rejections are just one factor that contributes to the kind of “turning inward” that we see in her in s4 and early s5.

at that point, she’s broken up about more than just boy troubles.

at the heart of her depression lies her trauma. her parents’ abusive relationship and her mother murdering her father plus the time she spent in foster care (never being subsequently adopted) have left her with some very deep wounds, and for years she’s been just “soldiering through” with them rather than doing anything to actually heal them. she’s refused to be open about her problems with anyone or even really to face them herself, and after thirty odd years, the repression has caught up with her; her mental health is at an all-time low, to the point where she can longer function. she’s starting to struggle with her job and her friendships. she feels very hopeless and bleak, like nothing will ever get better in her life.

the fact that her boyfriend of over a year cheated on and humiliated her certainly doesn’t help matters, and neither does her sense that she’s stagnating in her career (unable to secure the kind of advancement that she wants). 

of course, grissom’s mistreatment of her is also a precipitating factor.

however, even without his missteps, she likely still would have hit a wall sooner rather than later.

there’s only so long one can put on a brave face, you know?

something had to give.

it’s not all his fault.

—and especially not because while he does do things that hurt her to start out, once he realizes what’s happening, he 100% course corrects and does his best to undo any damage he has wrought with her.

in s1, s2, s3, and s4, grissom does oftentimes act unfairly toward sara and play games with her emotions. however, he doesn’t do so purposefully; he’s just fumbling with his own feelings, not knowing how to navigate between his fear and his love. that so, all of the mistakes he makes are ones he comes by honestly.

of course, whether he intends to or not, he does end up hurting her, and the fact that he doesn’t necessarily mean to doesn’t mitigate that he does, so that’s not to handwave away his actions. regardless of what his motivations are, it is shitty of him to constantly put her off for three years and then begrudge her when she finally “takes the hint” and gets another boyfriend. it is harmful when he “punishes her” for asking him out at the end of s3 by denying her professional opportunities and generally acting cold to her throughout s4.

that’s not open to debate.

that said, it does count for something—and even for a lot—that as soon as grissom realizes how badly he’s hurt sara and how much his actions toward her have had the unintended consequences of “wearing her down,” he immediately changes tacks and from the events of episode 04x23 “bloodlines” on does everything in his power to validate her and build her up and make her realize that he does indeed value her (despite his previously aloof behavior).

like.

he’s not heartless. he’s not a villain.

he’s someone who made mistakes because he honestly doesn’t know any better, and then once he gets a clue that his behavior has been harmful, he genuinely changes and does better.   

—and the fact that he does is crucial, because, honestly, without the loving support and constancy he shows to sara in s5—without him being there for her enough that she comes to trust him with her full story—she likely never would have really healed in the way that she does throughout s5, s6, and s7.

like she talks about in reboot episode 01x04 “long pig,” grissom steps up and is there for her when she needs him.

having a real friend like that—and later a boyfriend and husband—does so much to stabilize sara. by opening up to him about her issues, she finally starts to really confront them for the first time in her life, and while her path to trauma recovery is not totally linear (in s8 and s9, things get worse for her before they actually really get better, even with grissom in the picture), just having that source of unconditional love in him does so much to help her. she starts to be grounded with him in a way she’s never been before.

and it’s from this grounding that sara actually starts to develop confidence in earnest.

the sara we see nowadays in the reboot has such a genuine ease to her and is so comfortable in her own skin, and that’s so different from how she was in the early seasons of the original show. all of the anger and sorrow that used to underlie her stridence back then is just gone now; she’s so much more at home in herself than she ever was before.

and, of course, just like we can’t entirely blame grissom for sara’s “brokenness” in s4/s5, we also can’t entirely attribute her “wholeness” in her later years to him, either—because naturally sara is herself responsible for that change more than anyone; she did the work to process her trauma and saved herself.

that said, we can acknowledge that grissom is ultimately good for her and that he does help her. for as much as he fucks up early on (and even sometimes in later seasons, like during the divorce), once he figures things out, he becomes her rock and really commits to being everything she needs.

so all of the above said, while you’re certainly entitled to hate grissom all you want (and especially to hate his actions toward sara in the early seasons of the show), i do think that it’d be reductive to say that grissom is the sole cause of sara’s downward spiral in the early seasons of the show AND that it would be unfair to ignore the way he shows up and is such a stalwart for her later on.

there’s much more nuance to the story than that.

anyway, thanks for the message! i’m glad you enjoy my account. please feel welcome to send questions any time.                     

[outlanderfandomfollies]

I’ve noticed going on about 2 years now that Cait stans, ex-shippers, and those who used to love Outlander but can’t stand the show now formally started a side group for the sole purpose to gang up on Sam. The disdain towards Sam from these sad women started to escalate once Cait officially married Tony I noticed. Why do you think that is because I don’t think the treatment he has received has been fair? I also remember watching an interview Cait did last summer when she was asked about Sam’s 4 page harassment letter and she backed up everything he said in support of him. So, why do some of her so-called fans continue to mock, degrade him and spread the false rumors that they believe he is “gay” and lying? She has said on numerous occasions that she doesn’t like this type of behavior from any fan. Cait described them as “mean girls.” She also went on to say she understood his frustration because she experienced the harassment too. What we know about Cait and how she has spoken out about this in the past as you have described in your previous posts about bullying, then why do some of her stans think it’s okay or proper to continue this type of behavior on any SM platform? I think if she found out who some of these bloggers or fans were then she would be embarrassed and appalled by it. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. One last thing, I know there are some Sam fans who can be very mean to Cait and that needs to stop and it’s unacceptable. Thanks!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Anon!

“The disdain towards Sam from these sad women started to escalate once Cait officially married Tony I noticed. Why do you think that is because I don’t think the treatment he has received has been fair?”

I just want to point out that prior to C & T’s wedding, I think that many of the current “S critics” were pretty snarky towards S’s girlfriends and T. But after the wedding, it does seem that most of their snark became centered around S (although to a lesser extent they continue the snark towards the women he dates).

I assume Anon that there are many different reasons for the S “disdain,” depending on the individuals and the subgroups within the larger “S critics” group. Here are my best guesses (based on common sense and logic, nothing more) about why certain subgroups might feel “disdain” towards S.

THE EX-SHIPPERS. I would guess that some of the “disdain” towards S from the ex-shipper subgroup might have to do with the possible difficulty some might have in accepting responsibility for their choice to believe in the faux ship. It appears that some would rather blame S & C for having “led them on.” But they blame S more than they blame C because S continued to give more fan service to shippers after the IFH.**

I also think that some of these women in a way “vicariously” had a “fantasy relationship” with S through identifying with C. Consequently, finding out that S & C were not a couple was a major letdown for them. Since I think most were focused on S in their fantasies, the anger towards S might have been greater when they realized the fantasy wasn’t real. 

“THE CLOSET CREW.” Fueling some of the ex-shippers’ animosity towards S is the fact that many of them jumped from the SC conspiracy theory to the “closet” conspiracy theory after they left the ship. Therefore, (like certain members of “the closet crew” who were never shippers) they now believe (or strongly suspect) that S has been “playing with them” for years about his private life because he is “closeted.”

[It never seems to dawn on any of these women that much of their anger comes from their beliefs in absurd conspiracy theories that would be very impractical for a C-list actor to implement in real life. They also don’t seem to understand that S’s private life is really none of their business. 🤷]

THE CAIT “ONLY” FANS. Some (certainly not all) C “only” fans might be annoyed with S because they view him (and/or his fans) as somehow trying to steal C’s spotlight. They also seem to blame S for not “protecting” C from the criticism of some of the S “only” fans. [BTW, you are right Anon, the hate towards C is not okay either. I also agree that it is doubtful that C would be pleased to know that some of her fans are constantly criticizing S.]

THE DISAPPOINTED FANS. Finally, I think a number of these women (like many in the fandom) used to idealize S. Ever since S’s Hawaii trip during the pandemic, they seem to have become disappointed that S has not behaved in a way that is consistent with their former idealized view of him, especially regarding their perceptions of his behavior during the pandemic and/or their beliefs about how he might have behaved towards some of the women he flirts with and/or dates.

SUBGROUP OVERLAP.  Most of the above subgroups overlap, making the potential reasons for the S disdain among the “S critics” even more complicated to parse out.

OTHER REASONS: Most of us have observed that anger, outrage and snark are ubiquitous on social media. Some people have hypothesized that that anger and outrage can be “addicting.” Some think that the lack of nonverbal social cues on the Internet, the anonymity of social media, and the propensity of human brains to be “wired toward negativity, both to give it and to remember it,” all contribute to this phenomenon. Some think that the lack of privacy that is fostered in this culture makes people feel entitled to “expose” others and to tell it as they see it. People also think that comments on social media that are snarky are more likely to get attention.

In addition, there are probably other reasons I haven’t considered, but as I said, I’m only guessing.

Still, I want to point out that the snarky criticisms of S have been going on for nearly 2 years now. The “S critics” appear to mock S nonstop for anything and everything--nothing seems too petty for their snark. 

At this point I wonder if some of these women are just bored during Droughtlander. I’ve noticed from time to time they talk about the show or something from the books. I wish they would do more of that. They can have a field day being snarky about fictional characters. But I still don’t think it is cool to constantly mock a real person on public social media-even if that person is a celebrity. JMHO

__________________

** To understand why I think that former shippers put too much blame on S (and to a lesser extent C) for their own choices to keep shipping, see the following posts: POST1, POST2,  POST3, POST4, POST5, and  POST6.

[sp00kybitme]

Okay so this is really personal but I feel like I need to share it in order to better my health because being upfront about your trauma is a good way to heal from it. So buckle up because this post is gonna be a real doozy:

So let's start by backing up about 4 years ago in the summer of 2017, I was 17 since my birthday follows the year number and I was going through my own personal turmoil, dealing with my already medically diagnosed PTSD, OCD, Anxiety disorder, and severe depression. I had falling outs with most all of my irl friends due to my declining mental health but the decline started around august as my therapist who worked the best for me was leaving the clinic. She was openly queer and I related a lot to her since I felt like for once I wasn't alone yet after she left I was distraught. Also at the time I had a falling out with my father and my brother was a recovering drug addict so you could say shit was really complicated around that time and my head space was not well.

So back in 2016 I was able to get a PS4 and I hadn't used it until 2017 due to being more focused on my mental health but I caved and began playing Overwatch and there I met some folks who made life seem somewhat normal for once, no high end conflict, no drama, just simple fun with friends is all I wanted and for a while I actually had that! That was until the coming month september.

So September was when I started breaking off from big friend groups and settled with 2 people, let's call them Z and J for context, So Z was someone who I would say had undiagnosed mental health issues and J was someone who was mutual friends with Z because they went to high school together. Z and J were some of my only friends and we as people really bonded over stuff and I felt like life was actually turning up after losing so much shit that year.

So just for preface/context: at this time I identified with she/her pronouns and went by the term pansexual/demiromantic but now after much time I identify with they/them pronouns and am at least asexual, as for romantic I'm still figuring that out. So November rolled around and I noticed conflict immediately, Z and J were subtly arguing and J was using a victim complex mentality to guilt Z into caving yet at the time I was an oblivious 17 year old who was just desperate was friendship to the point of trying to always be a mediator.

Z was always talking about how lonely they were and how every relationship they had never worked out and at the time I was not out about not being cisgender and so they perceived me as a girl. Throughout September to november they would CONSTANTLY ask me out to the point of it being a desperation and a guilt trip and at this point I was afraid. I had lost EVERYONE in my life here and it was so frustrating but for a month I would keep my boundaries up and say no because I genuinely wasn't interested in a relationship and I didnt feel taht way about Z but they continued to push me and eventually I gave in and I remember the exact place it happened.

So we all 3 had a daily routine of getting on and playing Overwatch for hours just to talk shit and goof around so that day we were skirmishing on the "Temple of anubis" map and I said yes and in retrospect it was a horrible time to do that because it was in front of J and in turn made them feel loke a 3rd wheel. I wanna say that me conceding into a relationship while having no attractiom or interest was wrong of me and that I apologize for but again I WAS pressured as a minor. Also I forgot to say that Z was 19 and while that kind of age gap isn't inherently the worst, I was still an emotionally vulnerable minor being coaxed into a relationship.

So things went on relatively the same except for the fact that J was beginning to sound more spiteful and ended up getting upset easier and volatile which I blamed myself for but we'll get more into J very soon. So Z and I were noticing the change in behavior but tried not to bother J with it because they always didn't wanna talk about it. J confided in us at one point by telling us about their living situation being troublesome, they claimed they had no privacy, were verbally abused by their mother, and had relatives who were also abusive. We both had empathy for J and I was strongly affected by that since I had a strong disconnect from my father at the time who was abusive in a religious way.

We tried to keep things relatively normal at this point for the sake of J but Z was always trying to be bluntly romantic with me and I wasn't interested although they did ask me for "thigh pics" (lemme preface by saying I was still a minor at this point) but I was coaxed into that and virtual s*x which I was extremely uncomfortable with but Z had a strong tendency to victimize and guilt trip and I just wanted friends and had PTSD from friends levaing me and calling me selfish. It's not something I'm proud of but I genuinely was THAT scared of losing friends. In instances where J would get spiteful and resent Z, J at one point left our group chat and group and didnt reply to us because they attempted s*icide. We were HORRIFIED to find that out and really tried to keep a close eye on J into the new year.

2018 rolls in and now is the year that I consider my worst, I will TW// onward for talks of verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, talks of s*xual assault, s*icide, homophobia, and gaslighting. So after J's s*icide attempt I felt even WORSE in a relationship that itself was already one sided but I powered through as to not upset Z. The friendship dynamic we had at this point was gone as it only seemed to be arguing and fake excitement. One thing we all did in the game was idolize specific characters and obsess over them for mental comfort to the point that we got emotionally distraught over their deaths in game, genuinely very unhealthy for all of us. One thing J would do at times was purposefully pick me and Z's characters in game in commit s*icide in game with them just to upset us and would sometimes mentally torture Z by forcing them to be the character Z hated which only screwed up Z's Mental health. J would also alwsys victimize and act like they weren't being treated fairly and that all culminated in January.

January 2018, J began putting the thought of a polyamorus relationship on the table as in J, Z, and I would all be in a relationship together which I wasn't too keen on but was open to if it made everyone happy. Z wasnt interested at all and for the span of 2 weeks of January, J kept trying to manipulate and coax Z into a relationship and had me try to convince Z as well which I didn't know was wrong but granted I didn't understand Poly relationships until years later. Z eventually half caved and gave it a try but a day later Z backed out because they felt uncomfortable. I was a bit irritated at that time and so was J but I didn't personally know why because I was very oblivious to love and how it was supposed to be. We also would play 1v1 type games for fun until this time because both of them were seriously bothered by losing in 1v1 games and would gloat when they won. I personally didn't care as much and would joke around for the most part just to have fun. After this month we stopped playing 1v1 type games.

Early February came and we all began hanging out in skirmish (which means like a map where you just freeroam for 30 minutes until it refreshes), sometimes we would do ship dynamics with each other for fun and at the time we were joking around. Me and J joked around about two male characters (Junkrat and Roadhog) being together and if you have seen the two characters then you'll know why. Their dynamic as friends is flawed but a popular one yet nonetheless I liked their dynamic as a relationship at the time. Around this time, Z was beginning to do what I would call "selective homophobia" as in they would like some gay ships and despise others. When Z was presented with a WLW (lesbian) ship, they would be 100% supportive yet when a specific MLM (gay) ship was presented, they would make gagging noises as if they were trying to throw up. I should also mention how often Z would send Overwatch porn to group chats and how it made me incredibly uncomfortable, especially as a minor.

J would ultimately hold the blatant homophobia against Z and tried to turn me again Z for it. During this time, J was messaging me privately to try and convince me that Z was a bad person and that I should break up with them. Ultimately I agreed and broke up with Z over this and me and J distanced myself from Z to just hang out together. I was personally distraught in just finding out that a friend I was close to ended up being Homophobic all this time and emotionally it broke me a lot. At the time, J was there to help me emotionally and that initially helped me build trust with them. Eventually in mid February they asked me out and since they had helped me so much mentally, I felt out of a sense of obligation that being with them was something I almost owed them.

Side note: I wanna bring up this point as just a weird coincidence: February itself has always been one of the worst months for me every year, something horrendous has happened to me each February of each year and its weird because of how often I can recall this still being the case.

So After being around J for so long we started to just joke around and have fun as friends. They actually showed me their face for the first time over a video call which actually surprised me because they looked different then I thought they were but nonetheless I enjoyed their company because I felt like I had a friend. March rolled around and my birthday was coming up, my 18th birthday which was more of a big deal to J than me. They wanted to see me in provocative pictures and were constantly talking about how excited they were for it and I didn't understand why really. They were also 19 btw and they seemed way too excited for something as simple as that kind of picture. The day rolled around and I felt uncomfortable, I was told to send pictures and I did which admittedly made me uncomfortable as hell yet I still did and I was given positive affirmation for it. Little fact about me is that one thing I didn't get much growing up was positive affirmation so getting that made me feel like I was actually doing something right for once.

Over the next few months, J went from supportive and well intent to showing their true colors. As time went on they began to get more and more controlling with the things that I did as an individual. It went from supoorting the fact that I struggled with PTSD to using it as a reason that I shouldn't be making other friends besides them. From being supportive of my open mindedness with sexuality to coaxing me into spewing hateful rhetoric. Their family was actually really supportive of me at first, the thibg they had said about their mom turned out to be a lie used to play on my sympathy because their mom adored me as a person and constantly would ask if me and my mom needed anything. They sent us two big care packages through the mail with food and money for food and I originally was against that not just because I'm genuinely horrible at taking gifts but because they had my physical address and knew where I lived in case they wanted to "visit". The care packages meant a lot to me and my mom because we've been low income since I was little and having the luxury to live in a house or not have to worry about food consumption was something I never had.

During late spring, J began to be a lot more forceful with me by manipulating and gaslighting me into thinking many toxic things. I was afraid at this point of both J and being alone again. They would tell me that I should start acting more feminine and "like a girl" and that was REALLY triggering to me since over a big part of my life, I was questioning my gender identity and being forced into this feminine box made me hate myself. They would tell me to wear "panties", talk higher pitched, and even tell me to be a submissive partner who just lets them lead and me follow. I'm naturally a more dominant person in general so it was like I was disregarding a huge part of my identity. I was almost silenced into this role that J wanted me to be. They would force me to do lewd things online and while you could say that I shouldn't have been worried since it wasn't irl, they knew my address and last name.

One instance I remember was that J asked about my deadname and I told them and then questioned why I would change that name since it "was more feminine and fit me". It was upsetting to hear that but at least they didn't deadname me after finding out. They also kept telling me that I wasnt allowed to be attracted to anyone but them. I wasn't allowed to protest because they would threaten killing themselves and actually send a picture of them with a knife to their throat as if to threaten me.

A detail I left out intentionally was something that disturbed me the most about them and really makes me think they have a serious form of some kind of dissociative mental disorder. (Context: I'm not stigmatizing folks who have Dissociative disorders, my mother has one and the symptoms J exhibited make me think of someone who experiences detachment or disillusionment. Im not going to diagnose them but my instinct makes me believe that it could be something similar yet they have never been medically diagnosed.) J would constantly talk about a friend they had in elementary school who had taken their own life and how the spirit of this friend still keeps near them since they were close back then. This friend almost seemed to become a way to manipulate me later on in 2018.

This friend of theirs almost seemed to be a way to seperate themselves from how they treated me or avoid blame. This friend would threaten me that if I didn't let J r*pe me that they were gonna commit s*icide and that it would be my fault for not doing what they wanted. They also would threaten me to do what J said or else they would "possess" me. I'm someone who has had bad experiences with spirits so I didn't want to have more hell. J themselves would sometimes get extremely angry when I stood up for myself or expressed stuff I was really interested in and would threaten to track me down, assault me, and kill my mom. They also began pitting me against my mom because I would talk about how my mom was getting worried about me being hurt but J said that my mom was faking it and manipulating me and I almost believed J but I know my mom and I know she cares too much about me to do something like that.

Around September, I was practically an emotionless shell. I wasn't excited about anything, I wasn't angry anymore, I was barely feeling much of anything but a deep seeded sadness. I lacked in a lot of places and repressed any emotion I had so deep that I couldn't react to anything anymore. I think J began to notice because they started to actually act concerned after a while but that was flickering like a light switch. One of the last instances that I broke down was august of 2018 when I began crying heavily over microphone and begging them to not hate me. They had no reaction, no remorse , no empathy and when their mom came in they just left me there crying without affirming me at all.

During this time, I was sending hundreds of nude photos a day to appease them and they would get off and go to sleep and during the night I would secretly cry and look at queer based things in private to try and keep some semblance of my identity in tact. I actually started watching Sanders sides around July 2018 and enjoyed the series and how nice the fanbase seemed and it somehow helped me get through this rough period of time.

October was probably some of the worst time because I ended up missing my favorite holiday, Halloween which was the only time I personally enjoyed being myself because the element of the holiday made me happy. That halloween I spent on overwatch with J, overall miserable and hating myself. I also forgot to mention that J would dictate what I wore, they would hate that I wore boxer briefs and men's cologne and deodorant, they constantly questioned why I was trying to be masculine when I was AFAB but again I was also closeted with my gender identity and this shoved me even more into the closet when they would argue with me about it.

November rolled around and I had practically been at my breaking point, J was trying to convince me for weeks to move down south to live with them and their family and I was practically being forced. I have a fear of flying and I kept saying that I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my disabled mom by herself and my mom also hates flying. J was trying to get things their way and forced me too and I was looking into flights even though I was deadset on not going. November 11th 2018, I wasn't replying to J's texts right away because I was actually standing up for myself. They began HEAVILY threatening to end their life and I remember sitting there and crying without emotion then I hung up on them and told them to stop calling and texting me as they had begun to text and call me incessantly. I said I needed a break and finally let out a breath when they said ok.

Around late November, I felt as though I had misjudged Z and unblocked and messaged them, apologizing for being a dick to them. They initially forgave me and I was just going to move on but they asked if we could play in a public chill server and I accepted just to try and get my mind off of J. As we entered into the game, J suddenly started spectating and Z left instantly out of fear. I only talked to Z just to apologize and give context as to what happened, I was desensitized and just needed a friend. J messaged me apologizing frantically and saying "if you've moved on to date Z, just tell me so I can move on" and I said "no, I just needed a friend right now and I need my space. Don't talk to me for a while, respect that one thing." And thankfully, I was actually left alone.

December rolled around once again and at this point I had finally blocked J and moved on from everything, J's mom had messaged me on Facebook and told me that I was a "filthy cheater who just used J for their kindess and didn't care about them" but I did actually genuinely care deeply about J yet he abused my compassion by gaslighting me and putting me into this false sense of security. Before I could reply, she blocked me so she never actually took the time to ask me. I was feeling guilty for leaving J but I was reassured by Z during that time period and Z had apologised for previous comments as well. Z ended up introducing another friend to the group, we'll call them A. We would first play Overwatch but immediately switch to Minecraft which I had bought when still with J to play with their family. Around this time I had begun to cling to Z uninitentionally due to recovering from my trauma and needing that affirmation that I wasn't some terrible abuser, as J had manipulated me to think I was. Z was getting a bit bothered by this yet they had never publicly told me nor did they understand why I clung to them in the first place. Z knew I had PTSD and I had told them exactly what I had just described earlier about what J had done to me and Z was initially very empathetic though I was never told that my clinginess was bothering them because I was in recovery mode. Eventually towards the end of January, I was told by A that they knew why I was so clingy with Z. At first I was confused because they both had known that I had PTSD but A proceed. "The only reason you're so clingy with Z is because you're secretly still in love with them, I can read you like an open book and you would do best to stop denying your obvious feelings for them" Hearing this made me personally disgusted, appalled, and upset mentally. Z kept to the side during this discussion and didn't go against A however they didn't deny A's words.

I retorted by speaking about my trauma and how it made me cling to people unnecessarily but then A proceeded to invalidate my trauma by implying that I was over exaggerating what I had gone through. I felt awful and I forcefully distanced myself from them both only to go back once again out of fear of being alone. This continued for a while until July 10th, 2019 when I finally distanced myself from Z for good. I made my own account on Instagram and over the span of 2 years, I built up a community of people who liked my work and I got my sense of individualism back give or take. I recently changed accounts because this era in my life is brand new and I couldn't be happier with where I'm at.

This post is more so a form of being vulnerable and a bit of exposure therapy. Sure im not a perfect person, I can't even publicly out my abusers but I think it would do more harm than good. If anyone wants to have a warning for their accounts, at least on YouTube, message me on my Insta in my bio. I'm sorry if this was long and possibly upsetting but I wanted to just get this out. I dont know who would be seeing this but if you read this far: thank you, honestly its upsetting to have to go through so much bullshit and I hate talking about it because it's difficult to really put shit out there without feeling like its some tupe of attention thing. I don't want to post this for sympathy, I want to post this for me, just to feel better about where I'm at and also face my trauma head on to heal from it. I'm not saying this to compare who's life is worse or not but I am posting this to better myself.

Thank you again,

Spooky