#@FindingMyself08

[papercuts33]

(.i love you.)

it all began because i loved you-- because i thought, i'm sorry, i knew you were a precious soul with this heart of gold. you were different from all the other people i knew, not that i'm insulting all the others i love because i adore all of them and will continue to until heaven. however, nathan, when i looked into your ocean eyes, i just knew there was something completely different about you. your personality, it took me by a sudden wave of surprise. your laughter made me feel truly alive as if i was dancing in the rain.

i guess the way i talk about you, makes people think i'm 'head over heels' in love with you, i daresay i think they'd faint of surprise if they knew what i've always felt for you was anything but romantic love. you make me feel like a dove escaping from a cage to fly free and sometimes, i'll admit, it's scary how well you know the best + worst of me. funny enough, i wouldn't trade our friendship for anything.

i've never been in love with you nor is that anything i ever think i'd be able to. not in a romantic way, at least. i still love you though, so much. you're basically the older brother that i never had the pleasure of knowing for the first thirteen years of my life.

i love you because two nights ago, we were working at a church event together to spread the love of jesus christ on halloween night. it was cold, and i mean, snowy cold, completely freezing. my hands, i couldn't feel them after an hour and a half, and... then you came over to me, i told you i was cold, i couldn't feel my hands at all. the pity in those ocean eyes, it made me give a smile that warmed you and i from the inside out. your hands soon grabbed for mine, the insides of your palms were so warm to my icy touch that a shiver ran up my spine. you pressed my wet hands against your sytrofoam cup filled with hot cider, rubbing your palm over the top of my freezing hand. "y-your hands are so warm." your lips curled into a smile, and you continued rubbing my ice cold hands and nearly frozen fingers. "they're really not warm, you're just cold... freezing cold." you whispered back, grabbing my other hand and holding it tightly. i stood there, in the snow, admiring your ocean eyes as they filled with a smile that night.

i love you because that morning at arrowhead, i was so tired, you lent me your shoulder to lean on but i was so exhausted i fell asleep-- i'm not sure how long it was, but i remember drifting into a peaceful sleep against you. it was cozy and warm, i felt content just sleeping on your shoulder after a weekend of long and hard work. when i woke up, my face warmed in a pink flush and i felt so embarrassed. i vividly remember apologizing but you just smiled, wrapping your arm around me to bring me closer. after that you still loved me. you weren't even embarrassed by me, you might've loved me even more. in fact, funny enough so, you said it was cute i could fall asleep so easily.

i love you because it's not really all that cute but i just won't understand what my semi-obsession is, the time you lent me your water bottle because mine got locked inside a car. i swear, you lending me your water bottle was never that cute of a thing-- but something of thankfulness to your caring shot through me. you retrieved the metal water bottle from the car and quickly hurried to the water fountain; filling the bottle with cool and fresh water. "i want to make sure my little sister stays hydrated." you'd said gently, pressing the water bottle to my lips until i'd willingly take a sip. you were so carefree and sweet about offering your water bottle to me. even when other people made fun of us, you never got upset... instead you said you were glad there was something to laugh about.

i love you because there was a time where practically every twenty minutes where you reminded me to hydrate... i guess at the time, i found it annoying because i'm a big girl and i can take care of myself. i'm still all too thankful for those moments you said, 'take a drink, so you don't throw up, love.' you were closely studying when i seemed faint and away from the world, so you reminded me constantly that i needed to drink water in order to be able to function.

i love you because there was the time directly after i passed out at arrowhead-- but i denied my sickness and went back to work. i was stupid then, i'm probably just as stupid now, if i'm being honest and you know it. anyways, i guess you saw me shaking and... came up to me, all concerned-- "how many fingers am i holding up?" i didn't tell you at the time because i was so close to blacking out, i basically couldn't see -- i guessed two, you later told me it was five. a hand on my shoulder the moment i was shaking so hard i thought i might collapse, you were so gentle with me, so careful and caring. you encouraged me to drink in the moment, so i didn't faint but believe it or not, i was too shaky to even unscrew the top of your water bottle-- do you remember what happened ? you did it for me, gently holding the bottle to my lips, so i could drink and i remember looking at you with teary eyes.

i love you because there was the time i almost threw up on your favorite shoes, and believe me-- that was not the most pleasant moment but you being there made it less humiliating. i warned you that i wasn't feeling well and it only took one look into my teary eyes before you reached to grasp my sweaty hand-- and hurriedly ran me up to the gravel sidewalk. "even breaths, in and out." you had whispered as i started crying-- you rubbed my back; swiftly leading me through the halls and to the bathroom. i felt something coming up my throat and my eyes widened-- i'm fairly certain you realized i was about to vomit on your shoes but when i left the bathroom, relieved of my burden... there you were, waiting for me.

sure, you have flaws, sometimes i'm pretty certain that your flaws outweigh the good in you but then i'm instantly proven wrong. you can be loud, overly passionate, zealous, annoying, clingy and so much more but those aren't always bad things, which i've taken my time to slowly learn and become sure of. still, at heart, you're a perfect match and 'older brother' for me, and i hope that's what you see. our friendship was surely meant to be.

i've always hated men, i have-- they tend to be scary, abusive and toxic but you. my god, there's something different about you. i love you.

[papercuts33]

(.bloody lips.)

bloody lips, the lips you once kissed

lookin' in the mirror, i hate it

blood drips from broken teeth, tinting my lips dark red

yet i'll just stare into space

i didn't want to wake up today to the ecstasy inside me

now i'm standing of the broken bathroom mirror

i'm crying

-because as the demons are screaming, my nose starts bleeding

i'm not scared

or maybe i am

i am afraid... of the demons

causing the blood to course down my face

i'm - i'm... insane

crimson stains the sink bowl

oh god, where'd all our past loving go ?

i'm so messed up -

broken teeth, blood stained gums

glassy eyes, bruised and burned thighs

lips smeared with blood and nose broken from a punch

yet society stupidly says "you're messed up enough to never be deserving of love."

so that leaves me more messed up

flip my middle finger up, flying my black flag -

just like a punk

mouth words in the mirror "t-tell my friends i'm sorry though -"

my lips snarl back at me angrily

"tell my sins to go."

step back, afraid

bloody lips might kill me

[papercuts33]

(.crack my skull against concrete.)

i wanna -

crack my skull against concrete

so hard, a brain concussion shall be the death of me

imma die smiling

imma change the world at twenty-one

unless i -

crack my skull against concrete

imma sing "every night finishes the death of me."

i'll be here -

in an abandoned feeling, screaming -

singing -

feeling out every one of my own feelings -

handcuff me, everyone leaves me

forever healing these scars on my thighs -

crack my skull open

my brains spill all over

whoever finds me, saw nothing but horror

-I'M SUCH A LOSER

my heart has been run over by cars -

so handcuff me against this bed in the psychiatric ward

just like i specifically asked you for

but never leave my side, especially at night -

when all my demons come out to play games

one night, one day - sometime

i'll return to the abandoned building to scream out my feelings

into a microphone

"I DUG THIS GRAVE - FOR US!"

there's a gravesite waiting outside -

in the fading sunlight

you're buried six feet underneath yet i'm still above ground

dying

the concrete slab in the corner of the room is calling my name

throw my microphone through the glass window

put a cigarette to my lips, clouds of smoke -

hopefully, i'll just choke before i smash my skull on concrete

i'm slamming my electric guitar to the floor -

black wooden pieces shatter

nothing really matters

i was too lame as heck - to go out on a trip with you

so all i've wanted all my damn life was you to be by my side

so here, we go -

three

two

one

i should just die

crack my skull...

now there's blood seeping.

[papercuts33]

(.eating problems.)

One of the reasons I love my best friend is because he always asks. "Have you eaten today? Have you drank water?" I have a difficulty eating, not a disorder per say, I just find it hard to desire to eat and / or drink which he knows.

He's really the only one who picks up enough, when I say "I'm not hungry." He understands it is more than that. I think there have been a few times where he's sat at the table with more for more than an hour; just sitting. Patiently waiting for me to eat.

He's always been one of those people who tries to encourage. I know people who are like, "Eat right now, or I'm going to shove this food down your throat." Do they not realize how traumatizing that is to the person hearing it? It doesn't feel good. This is coming from a person whose heard it hundreds of times over.

It messes you up, and it makes you think. "Oh my god, if I don't eat this one meal, people are going to think something is wrong with me." It is just all out disturbing to me that people have gotten me to a point where I feel like that.

Nate through all of that, has remained patient... Understanding. Sometimes I find myself looking towards the heavens and whispering the prayer of. "Why can't everyone be like him?" I just wish everyone had the time of day he does. To sit with a teenage girl, waiting for her to eat and giving her gentle reminders that her body needs nutrience.

Why isn't everyone like him? I guess I'll just keep wondering.

[papercuts33]

(.Arguments With My Best Friend, PT.1.)

"Sooo... Moth."

"I told you - ten million times, do not call me moth."

"B-But, you're cute... Just like a moth."

"Y'know, you're pretty cute, and I am still able to refrain from calling you a moth. Moths do have their downsides, you know?"

"Yeah - they, they're stupid and they think random lights are the sun and they commit suicide!"

"...Yeah, you could put it less violently if you decided to."

"Fine, ahem, when moths fly, they see random lights which they believe to be the sun and therefore they fly into them, frying themselves alive!"

"...Nope, nu-uh... That was just as violent as the first time you said it."

"Uh... Well, if you're not a moth then I am!"

"Why?!"

"Remember, moths see lights thinking they are the sun and then... Fly into them."

"Yeah, think about it, that applies to you."

"Well, I do try to kill myself but not by frying myself alive on a light bulb."

"I didn't mean literally!"

"Oh..."

"Think about what you said, just think about it..."

***Thinks about it***

"I hate you."

"Hey, hey now, you're the one who said it first! I'm just repeating what you said!"

[papercuts33]

(.fanfiction preview.)

Kelly raised his arm into the air, creating a large motion as Jaden inched by you, his sweaty hand squeezing yours. “JADEN HOSSLER, GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!” He yells at the top of his lungs, Jaden breezed onto the stage and jumped on top of one of the larger speakers– his calloused hands reaching down to touch the awaiting, grasping hands of the girls below. Kells keeps a firm grip on Jaden’s belt loop, ensuring Jaden keeps his rigid footing on the speaker. 

[papercuts33]

(.green eyes.)

i admit i'm jealous i saw you with a different guy last night

your perfect face turned sour underneath the neon lights

those stinging green eyes which ruined me inside

i'll never be sorry for anything i ever did

i'll never be sorry that i was the only reason you had a kid

i'm a demon cloaked in the night with blue eyes

you're always an angel, sitting there in the white - innocent green eyes

you lied to my face, caused my anxiousness years to wait -

swore after that fateful night i'd never again see you in la

yet i did and it seems you're here to stay

[papercuts33]

(.rehab for sobriety.)

it is hard to smile, possibly

i sometimes wonder if that's because i've faked for so long

i do not smile because i'm happy, i never have been

i smile because of the alcohol in my system

i smile because there's never anyone to listen to the way i sing through my pain

suffer through my sobriety

when you're backstage, all alone in the dark - you feel drained

you don't truly feel as if you're alive, you're breathing -

i made the choice to return to rehab for my sobriety

through that, i lost a part of me

[papercuts33]

(.february 14th killed a part of me.)

[Falling, Pt. 3]

on february 14th holding a dying body in his arms.  

he sold tickets to his own downfall. 

friends screaming in the front rows of his shows. 

pink tickets lined with black scripting. 

‘i’m selling tickets to my downfall.’ 

please, would you mind telling me if you recall a moment in your life when you felt alright. 

precious moment somewhere in time. 

when he didn’t hold his mother, not by blood - 

that’s how much he truly loved her. 

watching her die in his own arms. 

heaven’s breath is breathing slowly against his neck. 

its futile wishes brought into his shattered life. 

his fall - my gosh, his fall. 

if only you knew, the pain he went through.

he fell straight out of heaven with a cigarette between his lips. 

when his world is always cloudy with depression. 

the scars which line his back made him learn his lesson. 

he’s still talking complete shit - 

god, won’t you end this ?

‘tickets to my downfall’ 

fall into the front row

screaming into a microphone 

nose bleeding all over a white dress shirt 

damn, yeah this hurts. 

 lights in his eyes at eleven at night. 

never get to sleep. 

the high from these drugs will be what kills him.

[papercuts33]

(.happiness is an illusion in the mirror.)

[Falling, Pt. 2]

he knows that happiness is a simple lie in the mirror - 

the lies of life leave him wanting to disappear. 

a baggy pink sweater, a thin leather belt. 

thin, perfect. 

not really - 

he’s been starving himself for years. 

through hundreds of waves of cold tears. 

now he looks the way he is - 

he’ll  never forget all the pain and regret he felt when starving himself. 

looking in the mirror - 

so thin as heck. 

 pink, curly hair like a punk. 

on his desk are orange bottles filled to the brim with pure pressure. 

 on his dresser is a glistening gun that’s always resting there. 

he keeps staring in the mirror -

as if he does so long enough, he’ll disappear. 

if life could be the slightest bit clearer. 

he thinks silently to himself. 

the faint silhouette of an angel halo. 

it isn’t really there, is it ?

[papercuts33]

(.the visage of life.)

[Falling, Pt. 1]

he’s a fallen angel on the wall. 

he has black devil horns. 

bright pink hair. 

life betrayed him - 

since it could. 

god looked him dead into his eyes.

“i never wanted you. fend for yourself - you’re going straight to hell.” 

so he’s here, getting high as heck. 

lighting up a fresh blunt. 

performing hardcore rap on a stage. 

a fake visage hiding his real face.  

fans constantly approach him and ask.  

“is it always play pretend ? does the pain ever end ?” 

he sadly shakes his head, brings them close.

whispers in the lowest. 

“i hate to say it but this is never a real smile, you’ll always face pain. always want to run away.” 

the fans always look completely broken. 

their hearts are stolen. 

[papercuts33]

~I'm selling tickets to my downfall~

[papercuts33]

(.i'm still young.)

you're young -

for only so long

so pop that pill, get black out drunk

we're all gonna die someday

why not feel like we're free and flying

today

i could get wasted away

on ketamine

snort cocaine -

why the heck does it matter

we'll die someday

hopefully soon

i'm still young

and these rules, rules -

they have me crying on the floor

broken forever

i'm always young

[papercuts33]

(.tickets to my downfall.)

my life, the words i breathe -

shall someday be the death of me

tickets to my downfall

machine gun kelly once said

if i sold out, the front row of my concerts would be filled with friends -

fade out til i've gone away

look into their faces

they were here for my downfall all along

[papercuts33]

(.i'm going to cry tonight / unhooked from my lifeline.)

i know i'll cry tonight

on the hectic ride of another sleepless nights

i might die inside tonight, falling on a rollercoaster

unhook me from this lifeline

if i die then there's no more heartless goodbyes

[papercuts33]

(.so what!.)

you broke my heart

left my forearms covered in scars

i'm sitting in the dark, thinking i'll see stars

you should be here but you're not

you're with someone i thought -

was fake, but she's not

how are you toxic ?

you think someone is it but they're not

they're a rotting soul, never your home

so what !

you lied, internally i died

could poison be pretty ?

apparently

'cause you were the prettiest thing i'd ever seen

you poisoned me till i was vomiting

now i just suck at everything

baby, you left me

so what !

i've had enough