#🐝 writes: 9 1 1

[spaceyaemonds]

pairing: evan buckley x reader

sum.: in the aftermath of your traumatic birth, buck struggles to bond with your baby.

warnings: angsty, buck really struggling with his feelings and thoughts here, traumatic birth but no details aside from she almost died, implied that the reader has ppd, buck is a very very good husband, he is just really struggling, so is reader, good friend hen, buck and readers baby girl has a name (lowen), possible ooc!buck??? minors DNI

note: elaborated on this thought, but it’s more buck centered than a traditional x reader fic, i guess?? i do have a kind of part two, that will read as a standalone, of buck and reader talking more in depth on their feelings on the birth, their struggles, and the aftermath. unedited. and as always, any feedback is extremely appreciated, it helps keep me motivated. especially reblogs/comments/asks!

wc: roughly 1k

Evan loves your daughter. More than anything.

She’s nearly three months old and he already knows he would die for her.

But he can’t hold her most days, can’t even look at her some days.

All he can think about is the fact that you almost lost your life bringing her into this world.

Currently, he’s standing across from Hen in the station at the kitchen, lost in thought as she, unbeknownst to him, looks at him concerned.

Chim had mentioned to her that Maddie told him Evan has been struggling, but wouldn’t talk to anyone about it. It had you nervous, nervous enough to call your sister-in-law crying in the middle of the night when Evan picked up another overtime shift.

Trying to balance an infant, a semi-distant husband, recovering from an awful birth, and what you are fairly certain is PPD was beginning to take a toll on you, and in a moment of desperation you call Maddie.

Maddie, bless her, tried to talk to Evan, but he refused to tell her what was wrong and just promised to stop working overtime and be home with you more.

Hen clears her throat awkwardly, noticing Buck’s mind is clearly elsewhere, “So, how’s the baby doing?”

Evan has to bite back a sigh. The baby. All everyone does is ask about the baby.

“Uh, good. She’s good,”

Hen cocks an eyebrow at him, “Just good?”

Her tone is what catches Evan’s attention the most, and it causes him to be defensive, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Hen holds her hands up in mock surrender, “I just mean, all you could talk about for months was this baby, how excited you were for her to be here, all the plans you guys had. And now that she’s here…” Hen trails off lightly, not sure how to approach this conversation now that she’s started it.

Buck is quiet for a long minute, before he sighs and lets out a whisper of your name.

This catches Hen’s attention, “What about her?”

When he looks back up at her, his eyes look so sad, and it makes her chest hurt.

“She almost died and,” He takes a deep breath to try to calm himself down before he gets too worked up.

“I don’t know what I would have done if something happened to her,”

Hen nods, brows still furrowed in slight confusion.

She, hell everyone, knew that Lowen’s birth had been extremely difficult.

Buck had gotten a call from Maddie in the middle of a 9-1-1 call that you had gone into early labor and he really needed to be there.

By the time they had finished the call, Maddie had called Chim and told him things had taken a rough turn, but everyone was okay, you guys just didn’t want visitors at the moment.

She put her hand on his, squeezing, “But everything turned out okay. She and the baby are both perfect,”

Buck nodded, but bit his lip, “I had this fear, this awful feeling when they rushed her away from me to that OR, that if she died I would resent the baby- that I would resent Lowen.”

His words take Hen, and himself, by surprise. It’s his first time admitting out loud, and there’s no taking it back.

It was true, though. For a split moment, as they wheeled you away and took you to have the emergency c-section, all he could do was beg God not to take you from him, and in that split moment, he didn’t even think about his baby.

There had been blood everywhere when he came in, he didn’t know what was happening, why you had looked so pale, why Maddie had tears in her eyes as she tried to explain everything to Evan.

His ears rang the whole time. He didn’t even react when they came and told him all was well with the baby. All he could think about was you.

Later, when he sat in your room with you as you held her for the first time, crying at how perfect she was, felt extremely guilty. She was-is perfect. The most beautiful baby he’s ever seen.

But he couldn’t shake the feeling of you almost dying to get her here, and he couldn’t ever tell you that.

So, at home he did absolutely everything you needed, every small thing you asked- except for when it came to the baby unless absolutely necessary.

Every time he held her, all he could see was your pale face when they wheeled you to surgery.

He tried, he really fucking tried. But she could sense his unease, his fear, and she would cry and cry until you took her. And you would cry and cry, not able to understand. And Evan would cry too, for causing it all.

Hen looked at him, sympathy in her dark eyes, “Buck, have you talked to her about this?”

He shook his head, unease in his eyes, “No, no. She, uh, she would hate me,”

Hen frowned, “I’ve known that girl a long time. I don’t think she could ever hate you. Especially not for feeling like this.”

Buck looked at her like she’d grown a second head, “She loves the baby more than anything. She would hate me if she knew how I felt.”

Hen laughed lightly, “You love that baby more than anything, too. I know you do. You just need to talk to your wife. I’m sure this isn’t easy for her either,”

Buck frowned at that. You hadn’t talked about it, at all. And he didn’t bring it up, because he didn’t think he could either.

He mulled over his talk with Hen for the rest of their shift, deciding that talking to you was for the best.

When he got home, he cautiously took the baby from you, holding her close and pulled you into his opposite side, finally feeling a weight lift off his shoulders.

[beekneelsformommy]

JUNE WRITING PROMPTS - ☀️🌻🍉👙

1. Picnic

2. Raspberry turnover

3. Kitchen disaster

4. Migraine

5. Apples

6. Swimming

7. Reading nook

8. Drinking

9. Sundress

10. Gardening

11. Heatwave

12. Sex on the porch

13. Barbecue

14. Family outing

15. First Pride

16. Blackberry picking

17. Bumblebee

18. Cozy night in

19. Summer rain

20. Paperwork

21. Meadow

22. Skinny dipping

23. Thunderstorms

24. Watertight

25. Ice cream

26. Sex and ice

27. Flower press

28. Sunbathing

29. Sunburn

30. Backyard dance

Bonus Prompts 💛🐝🌼⛱️

Soft laughter

Fireflies

Kitchen kiss

June breeze

Open windows

Bare feet

Late sunset

Lemonade stand

[oya-oya-okay]

STICKERS FOR YOU!!!😚😚😚

+ B-DAYS!!!

BUT‼️‼️‼️😭

The limit has ended here🥺💦

JANUARY:

@lallopsyou — 🦦🌸 (January 23)

FEBRUARY:

@viperbunnies — 🥔 (February 1)

@chrimsss — ♦️ (February 5)

Mine and my sis — 🐿️ / 🍫 (February 9)

@honey-honhon — 🦢 (February 13)

MARCH:

@jovieinramshackle — 🎀 / 💀🌙 (March 1)

@stxrgazingattheclouds — (March 1)

@part-sadist — 🍙 (March 18)

APRIL:

@gimmeurmoneyagh — 🧇 or 🍯 (April 30)

@beneathsakurashade — 🌸 (April 5)

@mimiishii — 🐟 (April 6)

MAY:

@adrianneelettasyapblog — (May 2)

@ghostiidasponk — 👻 or 🎮 (May 4)

@justm3di0cr3 — (May 5)

@thehollowwriter — 💞 or 🦈 (May 6)

@skibidibabygirl — 🪼 or 🩰 (May 20)

@kamikazequail — (May 30)

@chillygourami — 🫧 / Yulia - 🎲 (May 31)

JUNE:

@theolivetree123 — 💻 (June 4)

@starriebug — 🩵 or ⭐️ (June 5)

@strawbeaniie — 🍰 (June 9)

@fell-e — 🎐 / Fayrouz - 🌥️, 💕, 🎨 (June 19)

@rizdoodls — (June 19)

@teighveepao — (June 20)

@prefectrose — 🍬 / Rose - ☀ or 🩷 (June 29)

JULY:

@karamatsuboy-aj — AJ - 🐶, Asher - 🎭 (July 15)

AUGUST:

@moonyasnow — 🌦️ (August 1)

@cheerleaderman — ⭐ (August 11)

@sherryclover — 🐠 (August 18)

@ayten-is-living — ☕ (August 19)

@ahhhhhhhghghhhgg — (August 24)

SEPTEMBER:

@twst-aceofhearts — 🌺 (September 4)

OCTOBER:

@quartztwst — 🐰 (October 5)

@zetsubobu — (October 6)

@thelamentknight — (October 18)

@natsukishinomiyaswife — ��(October 20)

@random-twst-and-oc-stuff — 🦋 (October 26)

NOVEMBER:

@sunsmilu — 💛☀️ (November 15)

DECEMBER:

@techno-danger — ⚡🐉 (December 13)

Please write your birthday!! IF YOU WANT💘

@crystallizsch — 💜

@awwfur —🦉

@thelamentknight — 👑 or 🌑

@lpendergast — 🦈 or 🌃

@styrinterceptt — 💫

@ashipiko — 🌺

@skriblee-ksk — ✂️ or 💚

@thateldribitch — 🐝

@babyghoul138 — 💀 or 🎀

@lficanthaveloveiwantpower — 🌊 or 🌙

@twisted-shrimpy — 🦐

I will be adding my mutuals here🛐💖💞

You can write your sticker in the comments here or in this post!🤗💖

[beoljibentertainment]

BIRTH NAME ༉‧₊˚✧ Beol Na-la (벌나라)

Beol means “bee”. Na-la means “country” or “land”. 

She received this name because her family used to be beekeepers. 

completely hated her name when she was in school because other kids used to make fun of it

now she thinks it’s a funny name to have 

ENGLISH NAME ༉‧₊˚✧ Nara Beol

BIRTHDAY ༉‧₊˚✧ 16 november 1988 (aged 36 years)

BIRTHPLACE ༉‧₊˚✧ Seoul, South Korea

ZODIAC SIGN ༉‧₊˚✧ Scorpion

CHINESE ZODIAC SIGN ༉‧₊˚✧ Dragon 

HEIGHT ༉‧₊˚✧ 167cm (5’4″)

WEIGHT ༉‧₊˚✧ 46 kg (101 lbs)

GENDER ༉‧₊˚✧ female cisgender

SEXUALITY ༉‧₊˚✧ not public labeled (bisexual)

BLOOD TYPE ༉‧₊˚✧ B+

MBTI TYPE ༉‧₊˚✧ ESTP

FACE CLAIM ༉‧₊˚✧ Seo Hyun Jin

STAGE NAME ༉‧₊˚✧ NARA (all letters uppercase)

POSITION ༉‧₊˚✧ Center and Sub Dancer (2005)

Center, Sub Dancer and Sub Vocal (2009)

Center, Lead Dancer and Sub Vocal (2010)

UNITS ༉‧₊˚✧ Sub-units: Super Junior-N&K (2012 — 2015)

Have a trot song with Super Junior-T (2007)

Appeared as the main actress in Super Junior-H (2008)

Appeared as the main actress in Super Junior-M (2008-2009)

Appeared as an actress/performer in Super Junior-D&E (2012, 2015)

REPRESENTATIVE ANIMAL ༉‧₊˚✧ Bee 🐝

AGENCIES ༉‧₊˚✧

SM Entertainment (2004 — 2016)

Was a trainee for 1 year and 3 months

Debuted in Super Junior (2005)

Debuted solo in 2010

Left in 2016 because her contract ended and she did not renew it

Hiatus between 2016 and 2019, but did not leave Super Junior

During 2019 — 2021 she was self managed

Beoljib Entertainment (2021 — present)

Opened Beoljib Entertainment because she still wanted to be self managed and do what she wanted

(if you’re in some companies, they will forbid you for doing certain types of roles in series, control your relationship status and etc, and she didn’t want this) 

And she needed a company because of the contract she did with MBC to film Sabbatical Seranade 

Now the company is focused in her career, having only herself and 2 other staffs — manager and accountancy.

FANDOM NAME ༉‧₊˚✧ ELF (super junior); HONEY (solo)

COLOR ༉‧₊˚✧ blue (super junior); yellow (solo)

FACTS ༉‧₊˚✧

became a trainee after having a viral video of her dancing to a Turbo song spread on the internet in 2004 

she danced, rapped, did ad libs and made jokes, as if she was a real performer

her friends screaming and laughing in the background, as if they were fans

and because of this she became really famous in cyworld

(not as much as Heechul, of course)

received a message inviting her to do an audition at SM 

sang “One Man” by Kim Jong Kook and did a freestyle dance as requested

also had to improvise an acting scene with other contestants

she really think it was destiny, because becoming viral was a really uncommon thing in 2004

didn’t think she was going to pass

her parents said for her to try it for a year 

wanted to quit within 6 months but Yunho (TVXQ) stopped her

trot is her favorite genre to sing but she prefers to write ballads and raps

wrote her first song when she was 9, it was about a crush she had on a cartoon character

used to write fanfiction of said character without knowing what fanfiction was

in the debut, people used to think there were 2 girls in the group (NARA and Heechul)

the original idea was for her to debut in a temporary group and then do solo activities

in the shows, before she received song lines, she just did ad-libs and danced

she was always the romantic center of the MVs, even in the sub-units

she really liked street dance when she was a trainee

deleted all of her social media because of her HIATUS in 2016, but didn’t create new accounts after coming back 

now (2025) has a flip phone with buttons and no social applications 

she deemed Rain as her ideal type in 2006

her favorite Super Junior song is Neorago, but she likes to perform Evanesce the most (because of the solo dance with Eunhyuk)

used to live in Girl’s Generation dormitory because knetizens would throw hate if she lived with the boys

she was supposed to be in Super Junior-M, but because they needed to go to China to promote and she needed to record her variety show, it didn’t work out 

by 2025, she was deemed one of the most selective idols on the industry; she only attend the variety shows she want, the interviews she want, sing the type of music she want and choose the exact movies she will act

the only except is when she’s with Super Junior, cause she’ll do all of the things they want her to do

they used to ask her to talk in english in interviews — her english sucked

now she’s fluent but there are tons of compilations of her “incredible” (horrible) english

she was attacked by a sasaeng in 2015

known for not being able to cook under any condition

[kattythingz]

Attack attack attack 🕯️🥤🥐🥝🐝

Literally every one of these questions was a targeted attack, what the FUCK Jinx. But fine.

🕯️ - on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? Why is that?

Unless I'm in a bad mood and/or the premise doesn't interest me, it's actually most often a 9. Sometimes even a 10. It took me a long time to realize this (hello fiction workshop), but it turns out my passion for editing is its own beast. Something about helping others' writing. Pointing out their mistakes not to laugh at them, but to further their writing because I want to see that!!! I want my friends to see their best writing and I want to help them get there! It's the greatest honor! And, when I really get into it, it's honestly just a fun process!

(Usually. We don't talk about the fucking blood that went into editing ch4 of Crown.)

🥤 - recommend an author or fanfic you love.

MAY I INTRODUCE THE FINE PEOPLE TO @asthmaticbee's BRILLIANT HP X FMA AU "of elder, stone and cloth (of death, rebirth and closure)". THE SURPRISE RAREPAIR IS AMAZING AND I AM SO UPSET I DON'T HAVE OTHER CONTENT FOR THEM AND THE CHARACTER WRITING IS PHENOMENAL. THIS AUTHOR GETS ED ON SUCH A DEEP LEVEL. It quite literally had me high for the three or so days I spent bingeing the fic. I CANNOT recommend it enough.

🥐 - name one internet reference that will always make you laugh.

SONIC FANDUBS LMAO. My little brother and I recite them at each other all the time (I suspect it's a verbal stim at this point?), and I can't. It's so fucking funny each time.

🥝 - do you lie a lot? What's the most recent lie you told?

Jinx, seriously. What have I done to insult you lately? /j

I do actually lie a lot lmao. That's kinda a necessity in a controlling household like mine, so it uh. Kinda happens like breathing. Which is mayhaps not a good thing, but. You know. Gotta do what you gotta do. I can't remember my most recent lie, aha. (Another shining endorsement for me, ik.)

🐝 - tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them.

I am honestly so blessed to say—it's so many people? I can't even tag them all off the top of my head. The recent support I received on ch5 of Crown was so fucking huge, I'll forever be unwell over how nice all my readers are?? I'm so grateful to everyone.

Off the top of my head, however, I MUST specifically tag @ilovepannacotta @sirchenchen @hijinks-n-lowjinks @crystalizedirongoblin and @thewitchqueen281

Panna, you brilliant fucking bitch, you've been struggling with your art lately but you are genuinely my favorite edling artist out there. You never fail to blow my expectations out of the water, and I hope you'll agree with me on that one day. Chen, your mind is so brilliant, and your aus are so thoughtful and deep and you ask questions I never considered before that then get ME thinking. Jinx, your understanding of Greed as a character, and Al too, have quite literally saved my ass several times. Citrine, I... can't think of sth specific cuz we don't actually talk often, but your support for my yj x fma crossover motivated me so much more than you think, esp since I was in a dry spell with Crown at the time. And Avi, you've literally been my ground support since ch1 of Crown. Your early asks gave me so much hope that this revamp might actually stand a chance, and then you further devastated me by writing me a goddamn 8k fic.

I'm grateful to all my readers, but you guys esp... you did sth deep to me. And I don't think I'll be normal again cuz of it. I love y'all <3

[writingamarie]

9-1-1 fandom: in lieu of a WIP Wednesday, i'll do this instead (again).

for every emoji i receive i’ll write 3 sentences for the story (and post a snippet of what i have so far) ill write 150 words for each no matter what!

🌊 the only easy day (3 part buddie. angst. hurt. hea)

🐝 the pull of us (post lawsuit, buck backstory divergence, buddie, tarlos, buck/tk)

🌩️ echoes of the storm (buddie hunger games au)

🤠 doesn��t change a thing (eddie backstory, post season 7, pre-buddie)

⛪️ best kept secret (catholic school au buddie, not hea)

🫧 ruined (post lawsuit, dark, dead dove, why did i use buck to work through trauma?)

👶🏻 tba title (age gap buddie fic -like real age gap)

i know no one in this fandom so this is pointless haha. also how’d i gain a wip in a week?

[nicomrade]

On being lost in the Labyrinth; a Souichi Kiruma and Kaoru Yukiide joint analysis.

I've been wanting to write about Souichi for a while now, but Usogui is BIG and DENSE and goes a LOT of places and Souichi (/Hachina Naoki/Hal) has unstable memory and his role in the story varies a lot (sometimes antagonist, deuteragonist, love interest, side-kick, … ) so... To properly talk about this in one coherent, whole way I had to limit my scope by A LOT so I'm going to look at Souichi through the lense of Kaoru Yukiide, the ways they mirror each other, where they differ and what it means for the broader themes of both Souichi's story and Usogui (manga) in general. And try my hardest to stay on topic.

The full piece turned out almost 7k words long so join me for a bit of a journey under the cut! I included as many images as tumblr allowed me to and it's sectioned in 6 parts including the short prologue so it's hopefully not too hard of a read. Cheers! 🐜🐝

0. Prologue

Kaoru Yukiide is a minor antagonist for the 1st part of the Labyrinth gamble (chapters 83 to 104) of Usogui. His active participation feels almost cut abruptly short but this is indicative of the kind of character he is. He’s no Sadakuni and no Vincent Lalo, he’s just Yukkii. But in those 20 chapters he’s given a full inner world and a full character arc. He is a complete character.

He was diagnosed at 12yo with Encephalitis lethargica (“sleepy sickness”) and at 15 he went into a coma. He’s the son of a police official involved in framing innocent people for crimes the wealthy committed, all for the sake of “keeping order”. His father framed his own wife in one of these schemes, and eventually took the blame for a higher-up’s crime himself. This is a duty and fate Kaoru inherited after waking up from his 10 years coma. He’s now the one who frames innocent people and he, too, will shoulder a death penalty for something he didn’t do. This catastrophic loss to Baku not only condemns his life it also made him realize how twisted his actions and his idea of order have been and it triggers another catatonic episode in him. He’s a character who’s been deeply hurt by following along with what his parents taught him was right without questioning it, and when this worldview crumbles, so does he. But his epilogue in chapter 147 is a happy one! Kaoru wakes up, and yes he now has to come to terms with all the harm he’s done and he feels like it would’ve been better if he’d stayed functionally dead, but he has people who care about him and who will help him. You are never truly alone, things can always get better, you CAN break free from your family’s Labyrinth.

I think Kaoru’s generally an easy character to find hope in- as someone who caused immense harm, but who was still a victim of his circumstances and got to have a second chance at life. In-story we have Marco who comments on the two of them being the same and a lot of what I will discuss here will apply in some measure to him too as a mentally ill character with an abusive dad. However, I find he has striking similarities with Souichi’s story specifically, and looking at the two together can help us shine a light on the complicated fate at the heart of Souichi’s character. I realize by using Kaoru as a tool to talk about someone else- a means to an end and not his own person- I’m perpetuating the very workings of his abuse. I’m sorry Yukkii :(

I. Inheritance

Souichi and Kaoru are both successors to their fathers and they were raised to follow in those footsteps. Souichi, as a Kiruma, is a member of a “sinful bloodline” and was always going to be 21st Leader of Kakerou. His dad raised him this way and put him under Eba’s guidance all so he could stand at the top of Kakerou- the ones who make sure the rules are obeyed perfectly.

[1. Vol 37 Ch. 404 Duwang translation 2. Vol. 9 Ch. 93 Easy Going Scans translation]

Kaoru was not strictly raised as a successor in this way but he inherited this vision of order from his dad, one where the ants that step out of line must be killed. Both him and Souichi are sons who took on that very heavy duty to “keep order” after their respective fathers, and they both became orphans from it. Kaoru’s mom was sacrificed by her husband, and then he sacrificed himself too, leaving Kaoru alone when he woke up at 25. Similarly, Souichi’s mom died before he was born and he will lose his father during the course of the story. He was orphaned, too.

This is not to imply that Tatsuki Kiruma (Souichi’s father) had a personality like Yukiide senior. Kaoru’s dad is characterized as borderline abusive, he is refused any real kind of redemption as we don’t even have a first name or a face to put on him during the Paper Labyrinth chapters. He is the shadow that haunts Kaoru, and he is talked about as the origin of this specific worldview. Tatsuki was an odd father but he was not responsible for his wife’s death and he, too, inherited this fate from his own parents. He is not the root cause of Souichi’s ill. Where Kaoru was lied to and manipulated into following in his father’s footsteps, Souichi became leader willingly. This is getting to the impact a heavy family history can have on someone (whether forced onto them or embraced by them) more than any one individual father’s harm.

The impact of that family history is shown in Kaoru with his sleepy sickness that makes him literally absent from his own life at times. It is a way for him to escape from the real world and the responsibilities and ideals pushed on him. I think it’s very meaningful that his big episode was triggered at 15, that’s right into his first year of highschool, soon an adult. And this mental harm is also seen in Souichi and his chronic memory loss. His own timeline is more vague than Kaoru’s but I think it’s fair to estimate Souichi was around 15 during the 1998 flashbacks, which is when he has a significant memory loss episode and also when he receives doctor feedback on this illness. It is first said to be without cause but later confirmed this is a way for him to remain “perfect” at all times, by throwing out the memory of his flaws and resetting himself back to a clean slate. This is how he is coping with this responsibility of being (or becoming) leader of Kakerou. In Kaoru, this weight puts him in a coma and creates a 10 years gap in his memory, for Souichi it will lead to him forgetting a length of 10 years after the Tower of Karma arc. Sounds familiar?

[vol42 Ch 454 Duwang translation]

What they’ve inherited from their fathers is not just this responsibility towards order, it is also more literally a spot where they have to resort to playing rigged games. Kaoru’s routine with the Paper Labyrinth game is revealed in the manga to be nothing more than a well-practiced script. We see a similar resort in Souichi for the Flying Vehicles bet where he simply has Baku’s (Kakerou appointed) men betray him. This way of approaching games goes against how the Usogui manga portrays gamblers. As shown in Drop the Handkerchief when Souichi admits re-using these sort of means for this game would not give him a “perfect victory” and when Baku congratulates him on “gambling” for the first time, a gambler in Usogui is not just someone who participates in gambles. They are a kind of person who is able to cling to a low chance of victory and keep to their unlikely plan the whole way through all because they aspire to something better than they already have. They are moving forward with no certainty of what will come of it because the reward is worth the risk to them. We see it in Kaji’s character arc, first someone who is the perfect prey to various scammers but who is then able to keep to his convictions and win the Contradictions game without killing his opponent.

Souichi and Kaoru are much closer to the Kaji in that 7-Stud Poker gamble (who is totally out of his depth the second things don’t go as he thinks they should, who loses large sums of money without truly registering it’s happening) than to him in his face-off against Floyd Lee. Think of Souichi accepting and then losing the bet with Baku on the Missile Launch for a grandiose sum, or how he hides behind Yakou in the tunnel. Kaoru is a volatile character during his games, incapable of thinking on his feet (he freezes completely when Kaji interrupts him), think of his outbursts against Kaji or Kadokura that he frames as righteous. The two of them are only performing for the sake of rules and order. They aren’t gamblers because they don’t have that thirst for something better, their drives are completely extinct. They have accepted their situation despite the harm it’s causing, all for the “greater good”.

[Vol48 ch523 Duwang translation]

Their common obsession with puzzles (Kaoru’s Labyrinths and Souichi’s Rubik’s Cubes) is part of this drive for rules and keeping order. Chapter 101 gives us this narration: "Upon first glance, the bewilderment and fear of not knowing what lies ahead reminds one of disorder. But, in ancient times, people created and solved these [mazes and puzzles] to acquire the feelings of relief and order." This text is illustrated by a jigsaw puzzle, a sliding block puzzle, Picross, Tetris and, on the next panel, a Labyrinth as Kaoru knows them. This explains the symbolism behind the Labyrinth Gamble for the Police Department (“The Labyrinth [...] doesn't just solve unsolved cases, they are being solved at the hands of the police.") but also for Kaoru himself. This is a way to fulfill his own need for order, and this idea applies to Souichi too. The Rubik’s Cubes give him relief throughout the story with too many appearances to list comprehensively. We see it as a memory exercise (post-memory loss in the Hangman tunnel, chapter 64), as a motif on a childhood T-Shirt (chapter 412), it simply helps him think (he’s seen playing with one at Gakuhito’s, chapter 273), and the imaginary cubes in Drop the Handkerchief. This culminates in the Rubik’s Cube becoming a symbol of Souichi himself as made explicit in chapter 521. By seeing himself reflected in the cube he is made to be the object of his own obsession. Solving the Cube then becomes his urge to “solve himself”. It is dehumanizing and belittling of his own (very real!) mental problems to view himself as a puzzle that exists for the only purpose of being solved- and that CAN be solved at all. What’s the “true ending” of the human mind? This is not something that has any answer or exit. We know that by the end of 2008, Souichi has resetted his memory 138 times. Souichi and Kaoru are trapping themselves in their own Labyrinths here.

[1. vol10 Ch101 Easy Going Scans Translation 2. vol48 ch521 Duwang translation]

In a way, Kaoru IS the Minotaur: a son who was locked away to his Labyrinth where he is fed innocent victims regularly, both victim and executioner, all because of his father’s sins. Along with Souichi, they are two kids who were groomed into taking their father’s place and have shouldered the weight that came with it from a very young age, and this weight has formed cracks in their minds. This is their way of coping with their fate: they stop being fully present in their own lives, they stop wishing for more, and they blame themselves.

II. Worker Ant and Prince Bee

It’s made clear during Kaoru’s breakdown that ultimately, he too, was an ant. In that final moment before losing consciousness he remembers how, as a child, he did not crush the ant that had strayed out of line. He’d tried to guide it back with its peers, but it did not follow and was accidentally killed. I think both Kaoru and Souichi are acting a version of this story on themselves, both as the child and as the ant. They are forcing themselves to stay in line, hurting and killing themselves slowly for “the greater good”.

[both vol10 ch102, easy going scans translation]

Souichi is likened to an insect as well within the story, he’s Hachina (“蜂名”, 蜂 “hachi” meaning bee), the Prince Bee, the Lost Bee, etc. From that shared bug symbolism we have to remember Souichi’s super-organism speech- a kind of organism that necessitates the loss of individuality for the well-being of the hive. Tatsuki brings this concept up to say the Private Funeral Division and the police as a whole are in such an organism, which would include Kaoru too. Even only going by the definition it’s easy to interpret him as in such a place, “just a cog in a machine”, and the same can be said of Souichi. They are both included in the ones losing their individuality to keep the system alive: “Even the Queen will draw her blood or sacrifice her life for the system.”. This self-sacrifice is something Souichi takes pride in: “[He] isn’t even worth an insect”. He rationalizes his own resolve to harm himself (“being prepared to bleed”) as something he is doing right.

[both Vol 24 ch 257 Duwang translation]

This loss of individuality is seen in how Souichi’s identity has been fragmented. He is “Souichi Kiruma” when he is acting as Leader and “Naoki Hachina” for public-facing matters- disregard that the two often overlap as seen in chapter 68. He was taught not to "build too deep a relationship with anyone" (chapter 273), and his memory loss routinely erases the memory of his bonds anyway. He allows his personal history to be rewritten for the sake of Kakerou (accepting that he did not face Baku Madarame but Kaoru Yukiide on April 9th 2001) and lastly he positions himself as non-human in his introductory scene with the Alien Invasion speech. This speech will come back a 2nd time during Air Poker when he gains full control of his memory, it is iconic of Souichi’s character and it is worth looking more deeply into.

[Vol6 Ch55 Duwang translation]

The image evoked here is that of an alien leader, “we” means the alien society as a whole- in this case it’d be Kakerou. Just like in the super-organism speech, he views himself as only one element in something much bigger than himself. This really puts the dehumanization into perspective. He’s a bee, he’s a super-organism, he’s an alien. He’s just barely a name, and not even a face. It takes the manga until the very end of chapter 68- the conclusion of the Hangman gamble- to show us Souichi’s face properly. It is completely obscured during the Alien Invasion scene and the referees do not call him by name. He’s just a faceless leader. He’s so little of a person already, and digging into the alien analogy only furthers this idea.

Alien Invasions as a trope also come with the “take me to your leader” shtick, that IS reflected in the story if we look at who Souichi has directly interacted with in the manga. He’s first introduced outside of flashbacks when he personally comes to the Hangman gamble to see Sadakuni, the leader of a terrorist organization. He gambles with Commissioner Sasaoka during the Tower of Karma arc. He invites Vincent Lalo, leader of Ideal, to meet him. He seeks out and shadows Nobuko during Protoporos, who will be crowned King and is shown as the strongest player on the island. Only then does he seek out a meeting with Baku, after he’s won the Ban and has earned that right. The point is, he only really interacts as a Leader and with other Leaders- it’s from one super-organism to another. He only deals with other people as parts of their own collective, this is the same world view as Kaoru’s with his ants that cannot exist outside of the collective. They both dehumanize others and themselves and this is something they’ve inherited from their fathers (the super-organism speech being started by Tatsuki Kiruma).

The dehumanization inherent to their places is also seen in the shadowy figures that haunt Kaoru and Souichi. Kaoru’s represents the memory of his dad, it tells him what to do and what to think, he looks to it for reassurance. Souichi’s takes the shape of a stretched version of himself that act upon him (as an alien does the human it kidnapped, and like Kaoru does to his ants.) These are two strikingly similar manifestations of the inner workings of their suffering minds. More than that, Souichi and Kaoru’s goal, here, is to fully BECOME that shadowy figure that haunts their psyche. That faceless, nameless existence is representative of what’s already succumbed to the super-organism. It’s something that takes over Kaoru when he gives in to the idea that anything can be justified for the sake of order and it’s the part of Souichi that dictates the memory resets. Their shadow is the part of them that’s “prepared to bleed”. It is the ideal ant. Let it be noted, then, that Kaoru becoming one with his is drawn in the same way as Souichi is when we first see him.

[the shadowy figures. Vol10 Ch98 Easy Going Scans Translation + Vol42 Ch454 Duwang Translation]

[Vol 10 ch98 Easy Going Scans translation + Vol 2 Ch 14 Duwang translation]

This is where the comparison takes its full meaning. It is obvious from Kaoru’s story that he is a victim of his situation; that he was manipulated into taking his father’s place by someone he trusted during his most vulnerable moment. He had just lost all that remained of his family, of course he’ll chase after the only thing he has left of it (his father’s spot in the Labyrinth game). Telling him not to is only making him believe that he had more agency in this decision than he really had. Can we say the same for Souichi?

Compared to Kaoru’s worker ant, Souichi holds much more power and freedom. This is reflected in his family situation being healthier and in him willingly stepping to the Leader role instead of being manipulated into it, as discussed previously. It then begs the question, since Souichi realizes that this is harmful to him, that his very humanity is being taken apart, why doesn’t he leave? Being Leader of Kakerou is not a lifelong duty, his dad retired and became referee almost 10 years before he died. Even without an heir to succeed him, couldn’t Souichi find a way? Is the system really worth all this harm?

III. November 23rd 1998

In 1998 Souichi has a memory loss episode and wonders around, following the instructions Eba gave him to find his way back. During this period he meets Baku Madarame and as per the Prince Bee narration they filled the hole in each others hearts.

[Vol30 Ch323 Duwang Translation]

Baku also gave him a new name- Hal- and generally showed him another way of living. One that is much more chaotic, dangerous, but also much more free. This is his alternative to Kakerou and being assimilated into the super-organism. After some time he gets his hands on the clue that will allow him to meet up with Eba, but before that there is a gamble he decides to take. That is the Russian Roulette Poker game against Fukurou on November 23rd. Souichi- Hal- usurped Baku’s place and decided to take the gamble himself. Despite the common in-story interpretation, this was not a sacrifice he made for Baku (see chapter 455). It is something he did for himself.

The reason he takes that gamble is because he’s a man of rules. He wants to stay by Baku’s side but he can’t just abandon his duty at Kakerou like this, and most importantly, he doesn’t want to make the choice himself. To decide for himself has consequences, it’d mean he, on purpose, betrayed his bloodline. It’d mean he broke the unwritten rule that it is his duty, as a Kiruma, to lead Kakerou. So instead, he turns to leaving his fate to a gamble. If he wins, it would be his sign to forsake his Souichi Kiruma life and stay by Baku’s side, but if he loses Hal would die.

There is a suicidal drive in this. We know Souichi did survive his loss and that the gamble took place in the building owned by Eba; there were preparations in place to facilitate his survival. Despite this, it is my reading that he was truly, fully, prepared to lose his life if he couldn’t keep being Hal- if he had to go back to being Souichi. Regardless of his intent at the time (if he did bet on his survival or not) there is weight to that symbol. Hal- Souichi- put a gun to his head because he yearned for something else, and in chapter 321 as Souichi in 2001 explains that he’ll kill himself if Baku wins Surpassing the Leader, we are then shown a scene from November 23rd of a black-suited man laying on the floor, presumably dead. This was suicide, if not on a literal level, on a symbolic one. It really did “kill Hal”- the only part of him that didn’t belong to Kakerou.

[Vol 30 ch321 Duwang translation. Notice the date on the clock.]

This leaving of things to fate brings us back to the Alien Invasion speech again, but in a flipped perspective of it. Another big part of alien stories is the alien abduction. Its appeal as a trope is the fantasy of being forcefully taken away and changed forever. Now, Souichi would no longer be the alien but the human the aliens act on. It’s an inversion of our original reading of it and it does position Hal in the picture instead. In a way, he has already been “taken away and changed forever” in 1998. His thread to return home was intercepted by Baku (the Prince Bee picture book) and he had to follow him into this new lifestyle. He feels like he “will never be able to become [himself] again” (chapter 321). But the aliens always bring the person back home in the end, and they have to carry on with that memory (and alien abduction stories also come with their share of memory loss, another one of Souichi’s motifs). What I really want to get to here is this duality of the invasion speech. On one hand, Souichi is the Aliens and a part of something greater, and on the other, Hal is the individual being taken away.

[Vol30 Ch321 Duwang translation.]

Souichi will try to escape his fate of being the alien again. During the Lost Bee arc, he has another major memory loss incident and he flees so he can meet with Eba secretly (having forgotten that Eba is now dead). During that escape he meets Baku again and from there the Protoporos arc starts, an arc where Souichi willingly takes on the name of Hal again. He will cling to this identity, seeking out his missing memories (chapter 449 for one exemple), looking for that place outside of Kakerou’s reach once more. Just for a little while, he is indulging in this special permission he is given to be Hal until the Ban ends. Then, the game is over and he has to be Souichi Kiruma again. Hal goes back to the dead, reburied, it’s over, it’s gone.

[vol43 ch469 Duwang translation]

This is also relevant to the end of Air Poker. During the game, he realizes that his systemic erasure of memories under stress will make him lose, that this aim to be perfect has rotted his brain, and that it’s nothing but a pipe dream (chapter 455). He finally accepts the fact that every person is flawed- only to then turn around and decide that therefor he has to try even harder to be perfect. He views his newfound control over his memory, of what he forgets and what he keeps, as proof of his extraordinary being. He thinks that even though no human can, HE can get close to perfection. It’s Icarus building himself a 2nd pair of wax-wings and giving the sun another try. The mythological comparison applies a bit further than that too. Icarus is the son of the architect of the Labyrinth. His father warned him not to fly too low or too high, which is to say not to want too little or too much. Tatsuki taught Souichi that “to be able to enjoy a delicious meal, to feel pain when you see blood, or wanting to avoid being hurt and hurting others" that is the default state of being he should seek. Instead, Souichi embraced his hubris, as discussed this role where he is “prepared to bleed” is something he takes pride in. He is no longer flying to escape the Labyrinth he was put in but to reach the sun itself despite having already fallen into the sea once before. It’s a fool’s errand.

[1. vol42 ch455 Duwang translation and 2.vol46 ch496 Duwang translation]

This contradiction arises from the fact that he did try being human and flawed before! He is not naively refusing to change. He already tried being Hal and he died for it! He died. He has no other option: “A dead person cannot be revived." (chapter 496). There is no alternative for Souichi, yes he is the Prince Bee, yes he is the ruler of the mind-breaking machine, son of the Architect, but he cannot escape his bloodline on his own. No matter his place in the system he cannot win against it. He is powerless to change things for the better as long as he is navigating within its rules.

IV. The Place That You Belong

There is a recurring idea in Usogui (manga) of the place that people belong to. It’s presented as something everyone has, and that as long as they’re there everything will turn out right for them. It’s “the stage that you shine on” (chapter 539), etc. Souichi explains this idea himself in the epilogue. Are you where you’re meant to be? Are you betraying yourself by refusing to stand in the right place?

[vol49 ch539 Duwang translation]

This concept is relevant to every character in Usogui but it’s best illustrated by Baku and Kyara. In Kyara’s fight against Jonglyo it is his bond with Baku that makes him win, the place that he belongs is by Baku’s side (chapter 384). This is why he lost against Marco during the Hangman arc, and never lost again. Baku’s only ever lost the Flying Vehicles bet, which he lost on purpose: he is already at the place that he belongs. This why they are the two characters who “keep on winning” no matter what, because they are following their “correct path”. It is why you want to be where you belong and why you belong there in the first place, because as long as you keep to it you will keep on “winning”.

For Kaoru I think it’s obvious the Labyrinth gamble is NOT where he belongs. As mentioned, he’s gambling while not being a gambler himself and he’s completely out of his depth when things are out of his script. He’s not even fulfilling his wish to “keep order”- he’s never solved a single labyrinth, he’s never saved a single person.

After his failure against Fukurou, Souichi resigns himself to accepting Kakerou as the place he belongs. But is that really true? As discussed, you know you’re on the right path because you keep on winning. In Hangman he had this to say: "A life in which I continue to win forever... I guess that's just my destiny?" (chapter 56) but it’s demonstrably not true! Souichi does lose! He lost his bet for the book in 1998, he lost against Fukurou, he didn’t manage to take over Tipa, and he lost Drop the Handkerchief. If it was his place to be Leader of Kakerou at that time he wouldn't have lost Surpassing the Leader. He isn’t Baku or Kyara. He is not where he belongs.

So if it’s not by Baku’s side and it’s not at the head of Kakerou either, where does Souichi belong, then? There are times that Souichi miraculously “wins”. We see it in Air Poker where he overcomes his memory loss and regains ALL discarded memories, and we see it when he wakes up in the hospital during the epilogue. These miraculous recoveries, I think, are indicative that he was doing something right at those times. The common thread between the two is that Souichi (or Hal) was acting in Baku’s interest without totally disowning his ties with Kakerou. He invites Fukurou to become a referee at the end of Air Poker and he steps up to being Leader again during the epilogue, but in the 1998 flashbacks he was hiding his bloodline and denied knowing what Kakerou was. This blatant lie is the narrative reason that made him lose against Fukurou, and his rejection of ever having been changed by Baku is what made Kakerou wrong for him afterwards. He does not belong anywhere until he stops living these lies. He cannot abandon Kakerou OR Baku, he needs both.

This is the reason Souichi and Kaoru became prey to the Lie-Eater. They were living their respective lies, and so Usogui came and ate them up. “It all began with a small lie” (chapter 535).

[vol6 ch 64 Duwang translation]

Kaoru should’ve died from this defeat after he was made to shoulder Baku’s loss at Surpassing the Leader, but he was saved in extremis by his own mental illness. He fell unconscious and this was judged as “collection on his life” enough for Kadokura so he was spared. He got to wake up in a hospital post-canon, free of this place he did not belong to, and still living. This is also the pattern Souichi follows. It is his mental illness that makes him lose Drop the Handkerchief, his memory loss episode that made him forget about the leap second and that Baku exploited. This defeat at Surpassing the Leader means he is now free of his duty to be Leader, and it allows him to later wake up in the hospital like Kaoru did. He can now be his own person, without any lies, without killing his mind to stay perfect- the very thing he’d tried to do on his own and failed. In a way, wasn’t he saved by his illness, too? And isn’t it their respective flaws that let them become their own person again, that re-humanized them?

In a lesser way this is also reflected in the Referee who presides over the Labyrinth gambles, Yuudai Kadokura. He’s characterized as a man of restraint during the arc. He, too, is obsessed with carrying out his job perfectly and tries his best to contain his emotions. “Please excuse me... Momentarily, I, Kadokura Yuudai, have unintentionally made a face that was a little indiscreet." (chapter 91) and this self-restraint will be lifted after he suffers (and recovers from) brain damage. It’s their mental ill that saved Souichi and Kaoru and that lifted Kadokura’s chains.

Usogui (manga) as a whole has more to say about this idea that it is our flaws that make us human. We see it in the Hangman gamble, when Sadakuni is hanged. He first claims he’s not afraid of death but in his final moments he thrashes and struggles and admits he doesn’t want to die here. Baku comments: “I won't let you die as a monster. You should at least die as a human.” (chapter 66). This explicitly conflates someone’s humanity with this display of desperation. It asks the question, can you accept your own death gracefully and remain human? What is being human but to fight tooth and nails for more out of life? Isn’t being alive inherently grotesque? This is also reflected in the ending of Air Poker in Vincent Lalo’s final, ugly, moment, just to name one other example. We are back to Tatsuki’s definition of what being “normal” is like, and it is this human fear of death and blood that makes the gamble against Commissioner Sasaoka work. Generally, it is the thirst for things that you don’t have and the willingness to fight for them no matter how unsightly you get that makes us truly alive- like a gambler is. This is reflected in the Protoporos arc when Champ chooses to stay on the island because he feels alive for the first time after having gambled with Baku as well as in Kaji’s character arc more broadly.

[Vol7 ch66 Duwang translation + vol38 ch 412 Duwang translation]

For all that Souichi tried to erase his failures and reach perfection he was only making himself less and less human. It’s only when he let his true desires show in Drop the Handkerchief and that he truly fought to “one up” Baku that he started to approach something that rings true. To be human is to be flawed and to accept and remember this, and grow stronger from having tasted defeat. And it is this defeat, that honest and bitter defeat, of Souichi at Drop the Handkerchief that leads to the realization of the Prince Bee story’s happy ending- the Prince Bee Duo rising up.

On a surface level, if Baku had lost again there was no way for him NOT to die this time with how weak we know his body to be (see, the Labyrinth Minotaur game and the Dotty game). But more than that, Souichi had to lose and stop being Leader so he could be himself, so he could stop lying about who he is. He cannot change his bloodline, he cannot stop being a Kiruma, but he cannot stop yearning for something more either. He’s a flawed, weird little guy and he will always be changed from Baku’s presence in his life. This defeat returns his humanity to him and it allows him to reconcile the contradictory positions he was in. He can then embrace that he IS Baku’s ally, and he IS Kakerou, too, and come back as his full self and no longer forced to keep people at arm’s length. That is the true place he belongs, both Leader of Kakerou and Baku’s friend.

[all three are vol49 ch 539, Duwang translation]

Both Souichi and Kaoru had to bear the weight of their fathers’ inheritance so much so that they hurt themselves and lost their very humanity, all to stay somewhere they shouldn’t be. It is their flaws that free them, but it is also the people around them who saved them. It’s Baku speaking up that Kaoru is “pretty much already dead”, it is the summon for Hal to wake up because “if it’s you, it will be alright.”. They woke up knowing people cared for them and sincerely wished for their recoveries. They were accepted fully for who they are, sinful bloodline and flaws and all, and with their curse lifted they can now return that care, too.

→ You are never truly alone, things can always get better, you CAN break free from your family’s Labyrinth. If it is forcing you to harm yourself and is keeping you isolated, then it is not the place that you belong.

[vol 14 ch147 Duwang translation + vol49 ch538 Duwang translation]

V. Conclusion

We see this loose pattern ripple in other characters. Kaji and Marco are grappling with what they’ve inherited from their parents too (namely, abuse) and it is through Baku’s support and help that they could set their minds free from this influence. As symbolic of the turning point where they can truly start to heal is their stay in a hospital (Marco post-Labyrinth gamble, Kaji on bed rest during Protoporos). To truly break free comes with being hurt deeply before becoming anew. It will be different but it will be okay.

The motif of dysfunctional or fragmented families generally runs rampant, most characters with known backstories have some sort of family troubles from our main characters to one-off antagonists (Marco and Kaji as mentioned but also Kyara, Satoru Suteguma, the Yakou twins, Voja, Jonglyo, Mitaka, and so on). Usogui (manga) features a lot of parents who suck absolute ass, yes, but it also more generally touches on the way parents shape their children even in healthier families- think Ranko taking over her dad’s mafia, the sons who’ve never faced consequences because their fathers are powerful, etc.

In light of this, the fact that our protagonist is someone who is seemingly completely devoid of family starts to stand out. We do not get to know anything about Baku’s parents, his childhood, how he was raised, etc, anything from before he was already a well-established gambler within Kakerou. This is very significant in a main protagonist, who we’d usually know a lot more about. It separates him from the weight of inheritance, only he is free of those bonds that tie someone to their family (or lack of it)- for better or for worse.

This feeds into the repeated use in the story of Surpassing the Leader as a way to lose your “bonds”. It’s stated Baku lost that 1st STL bet to get rid of this past that tied him to Hal, when Souichi loses Drop the Handkerchief he escapes his bloodline, and it’s the thing that’s pinned on Yukkii and frees him of his Labyrinth. This is the big “reset” button featured in the story but its point is not to go on with life devoid of relationships and ties to other people. No, Baku does rebuild his bond with Hal, Souichi comes back to Kakerou a healthier man, and the last scene Kaoru sees before falling unconscious is himself as a child holding both his parents’ hands. Loss is always painful but it often cannot be avoided (may it be to break free of an abusive family or a toxic job, or because a loved one dies, etc) and bonds are what shape us. The two ideas coexist. You cannot go on without any attachment to anyone. This is seen in the “planting seeds” imagery of chapter 320, all lives are interwoven and ripple against each other to grow and become something else.

Bonds are also the strength and support you gain from other people, it is how Kyara wins against Jonglyo, and it is Souichi’s parting words in Handkerchief: “It is you who made us stronger.” (chapter 530). Who can ever hope to leave the Labyrinth without Ariadne’s gift of yarn to guide them out? It is the two Bees’ friendship that’s at the core of the picture book, and it is also those relationships between people (good or bad), and love, that’s at the core of Usogui, too. To be loved and to love someone is to be changed.

[Vol 35, ch384, Duwang translation]

[virgo-mess]

The Birds and the Bees

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Chapter List

1.Alexithymia- The Inability to Express your Feelings Parts 1 and 2

2.The Woes of Adolescence/ What the heck Happened that Summer Parts 1 and 2

3.Caught in a Summer Storm/ What the heck Happened that Christmas.

4.Summer Bluffs? Part 1

5.Disco, Strippers, and Margaritassss Part 2

6.Sleepless in a Hotel Suite Part 3

7.Shades of Pink

8.The Things I’ve Dreamed Part 1

9.Renewal Part 2

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And we've finally made it to part 2 of Chapter 2... Good grief I was hit with the most random wave of productivity. I'm making this post at 2 AM after writing for four hours. Sorry if there's any typos, this was honestly a product of me seeking comfort for my own inner turmoil and the result was FLUFFFF. So let me know what you think in the notes pleaseee, I beg. 👀

TW: Panic attacks, Kissing, and fluffffff. That's really it guys, enjoy!

The Woes of Adolescence/ What the Heck Happened That Summer Part 2

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“Yet the summer which was to change everything was coming nearer every day. When boys and girls are growing up, life can’t stand still, not even in the quietest of country towns; and they have to grow up, whether they will or no. That is what their elders are always forgetting.”- Willa Cather

Shay’s POV

The hours ticked by as Shay and Cash rummaged through boxes full of forgotten memories and unpacked feelings. Any lingering awkwardness from Cash’s prompt proposal for Shay to move in with him was long forgotten by the time Cash slipped away to get them takeout from the Trails End Bar in town. That intimate moment of fellow feeling they had shared had done a great job at prolonging the inevitable conversation they were bound to have for the time being. They spent the rest of their cleaning sipping on glasses of red wine and reminiscing about the happy carefree days of their youth. A prospect that usually had Shay in tears of hopeless yearning was currently filled with bashful giggles, rosy cheeks, longing glances, and fluttering butterflies. Shay supposed drinking wine with Cashton Ewing was a bad idea from the get-go, she was sure the consequences of such an act would be coming back to bite her in the ass soon enough. But she couldn’t help but want to enjoy a face paced blunder with her long-time crush while she could.

“I remember this sundress; you wore it on the last day of eighth grade” Cash mused pulling Shay’s old white sundress with sunflowers stitched on the bodice from one of the boxes with a soft smile on his face. Shay eyed the dress wearily; she remembered that unguarded garment and the scarring memory attached to it very well.

“Yeah, I did…” Shay mumbled before focusing her gaze back on the TV, she’d plugged in 13 Going on 30 not too long ago. The scene of Jenna’s less than stellar thirteenth birthday party was quickly unfolding on the screen. Shay couldn’t help but think about the last day of eighth grade, the day she’d tried her best to forget. Part of the reason she latched onto 13 Going on 30 was because she saw both herself and Cash reflected in Matt and Jenna. Shay felt like the movie was the closest she’d ever get to living out a romantic fantasy with Cash. Sometimes she’d forget she was watching a movie because there was a degree of mirrored likeness between her life and the world painted on the screen, from Jenna and Matt being best friends and neighbors, to Matt taking pictures like Cash, right down to Shay’s vexatious run ins with her own personal mean girl, Opal May Stevens. Shay had her fair share of mean girls throughout their childhood, that could only be expected when you were best friends with the prettiest boy in school. None of them were ever quite as mean as Opal May Stevens however, who had seemed to make it her mission to make Shay’s life a living nightmare about a month or two into that school year. Cash never seemed to notice of course and why would he really, Shay had all but figured out he had a thing for Opal May when she turned up at the movie theater that Valentines Day, she locked herself in a bathroom stall to cry. It wasn’t the first time Shay cried over Cash and Opal May nor would it be the last or even the worst. The worst breakdown she had in relation to her first crush and her childhood bully was reserved for the last day of eighth grade….

 “You do always look great in a sundress you know that, Cherry Blossom. What happened that day anyway?” Cash’s voice lulled through the air, pulling Shay out of her dark inner ruminations quite suddenly. Shay’s green eyes strayed from the screen for a split second to see Cash’s ocean orbs gazing at her intensely.

“What?” Shay asked, her brows knitted together in confusion as she tried to recall what it was, they’d even been talking about. She’d gotten lost with the dull echoes of taunting children’s laughter reeling in the gloomy memory bank of her mind and the tiresome chanting of Opal May’s odious voice ringing in her ears. Shay felt Cash’s finger gingerly brush against her forearm, and she finally let her green eyes meet his blue ones. They gazed at her in a way that made her feel like he was trying to ground her and anchor her to him all at once. She always wondered how he could tell when she was being swept away in the murky currents of the more melodramatic waves of her angst filled musings.

“…The last day of school that year, I asked you to meet me out on the school lawn, near the gardens after school, remember? I waited for you, but you didn’t show and by the time I made it to your window it was locked, and you were hysterical…” Cash trailed, his thumb was now drawing soothing circles down the length of her arm so tenderly Shay thought her heart might burst. Shay found herself leaning towards Cash the way a moth is drawn to the light and warmth of a candle despite the way her brain was telling her it wouldn’t be a good idea. Her usual thoughts of caution were being overpowered by the shrill, odious singsong of Opal taunting “TWIRL” repeatedly.

People always talk about the prominent events in your life that change you for the better or for the worse. The ones that stick with you long after they’ve happened and even longer than you’d like them to. They’re pesky shadows that cling to your every move, tethered with you from the green cusp of adolescence to the weathered qualms of adulthood. Silently lurking, endlessly twisting, constantly weaving their influence over your unconscious thoughts and actions day in and day out.

Well, Shay’s earthshattering, life altering moment occurred on the last day of eighth grade and prompted her very first mental spiral. One that was bad enough for her mother to send her away for the summer and stick her in a therapy center in California. Of course, it was a long time coming at that point with her parent’s contentious divorce, Opal May mockingly reciting her end of the year English assignment to a group of her peers was just the final nail in the coffin that year. It only hurt all the more that the muse of that assignment was sitting right next to her now. Shay couldn’t help but assume Cash had something to do with Opal’s cruel joke to some degree…

“I didn’t show because Pete told me you wanted me to meet you by the science hall instead, remember? And I’m sure you know what happened and what Opal did, you had your fun joke let’s not rehash it.” Shay said dismissively, letting out a long sigh she busied herself rummaging through a box once more to take her mind off the memory fighting tooth and nail to free itself from the murky bank. Cash let out a sigh of his own, his fingers found their way to her thigh and resumed drawing soothing circles, but this time Shay found it more tantalizing than anything.

“Pete told you that… I never told him to tell you that Shay, I swear.” Cash’s voice was soft, but Shay could hear the overarching note of sincerity in his deep vibrato. Shay didn’t respond as her hand clutched a hard, glossy, and slightly weathered book and pulled it out of the box with a ghost of a smile on her lips. Her thumb glided down the picturesque lighthouse on the book’s cover, situated in front of a purple, pink, orange sunset.

“What’s it really matter now anyway Cashton? We can’t change the past and I don’t fancy dwelling on it all that much either.” Shay said again dismissively, her eyes were still trained on the book in her hands intently, Cash had given it to her as a gift one year. A photo guide of the most beautiful lighthouses the world had to offer because Shay loved them so much at the time. She still did, while she was living in New York she often wished the Statue of Liberty was a lighthouse instead. Shay felt Cash place a finger under her chin, gently urging her to meet his gaze and she did. Shay met his gaze with sad green eyes and a surprisingly heavy heart, despite the butterflies that fluttered in her stomach at the intimate action. She wished he would stop doing this stuff, touching her this way especially when it was clear it meant more to her than it did to him. Especially when it was clear it would always mean more to her than it did to him.

“It matters because you were a wreck that entire week Cherry Blossom, seeing you like that hurt you know. You were my best friend, you were so sad, you looked so broken, and for the first time ever I couldn’t fix it. Then you just went away for a whole summer, didn’t call, barely answered my letters, you shut me out and came back a different person Shay, that was scary” Cash admitted in a heartfelt tone, his thumb gently caressed her chin and his blue orbs bore into hers with an unreadable sort of intensity that Shay couldn’t place.

“Please don’t act like you don’t know what happened Cashton, you and Opal May spent the entire summer together while I was gone, and I know she couldn’t resist telling you about it. You didn’t miss me that much and it’s fine, really, I don’t care about things that happened when we were fourteen anymore, alright. I forgive you, let’s move on.” Shay lied, forcing a smile on her face, so she didn’t look as bitter as she felt inside. Cash’s expression hardened a bit, but his eyes looked as intense as ever before.

“Well, if you don’t care Shaylee Rose why is it you can’t tell me what happened or what happened to you that summer huh? I don’t appreciate you accusing me of doing something to intentionally hurt you, I’d never do that so would you please explain what it is you’re passive aggressively forgiving me for. Please… what did Opal do, did she hurt you?” Cash coaxed softly, Shay let out a sigh but made no effort to turn her face out of his grasp or move her body away from his tethering pull. She knew it was the wine talking for the both of them right about now, loosening their inhibitions enough to let his touches linger and to let her heart hope his touches meant more than they did.

“We need to talk about this Shaylee, I think we’d both feel better if we did…” Cash said in a gentle but serious tone, holding her gaze as his thumb trailed from her chin to her cheek. Shay let out an almost defeated sounding sigh, she knew he was right, she would feel better if she could find it in her to utter a word. She didn’t think she could, and she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to.

“Cashton Micheal, I don’t think I can talk about it, so can we please just keep going through this stuff… please” Shay pleaded feebly. Her panic at his prying was evident with every shaky syllable she uttered with tears brimming in her eyes, threatening to spill over any moment. Shay inhaled sharply and tried her best to blink the tears away, but a single tear broke free, rolling down the length of her flushed cheek seemingly in slow motion. Cash’s expression softened at the sight of the lone, melancholy drop of water almost immediately.

“Alright…shhh, we don’t have to talk about it. Don’t cry it’s okay.” Cash said in a low whisper. He wiped the lone drop away with the pad of his thumb tenderly before placing a kiss where it had just been. Shay fluttered her eyes closed and let out a content sigh at the feel of his lips against her wine flushed cheek. It surprised her how delicate his lips seemed to feel in contrast to his now giant muscled appearance. The gentleness reminded her so much of the Cash Ewing she knew before things changed so dramatically between them that fateful summer. Shay opened her eyes as she felt Cash start to gently toy with the ends of her hair.

“Maybe we should call it a day for now Cherry Blossom? It’s not like your mom is going to be back anytime soon. Why don’t we head out to the beach for a bit” Cash said in a soft tone, Shay felt a pang of guilt in her chest at the obvious sadness swirling in his blue eyes. Though his fingers were still toying with the ends of her blonde hair tenderly, Shay could feel him retreating from her on an emotional level and she couldn’t help but hate herself for it. That wasn’t her intention, she craved his vulnerability more than anything but only because her vulnerability was so difficult to articulate, so hard for her to put into words. She wished it wasn’t.

“Sure, I could go for a swim right about now. Let me just put some of this away first, remember this Cashy?” Shay asked, holding up the book with a trace of a genuine smile on her lips in an attempt to snuff the rising tension in the air. Cash’s blue eyes trailed over the lighthouse on the book’s cover with an almost melancholy expression on his face. Shay wasn’t sure what came over her but before she knew it her fingers were intertwined with Cash’s once more. Much in the same way he had grabbed her hand down in the kitchen though that somehow felt like a lifetime ago with everything that had played out between the two of them since they wandered upstairs. The wine was indeed a bad idea but at least they were holding hands again, Shay knew it wasn’t much but at least it was something. Cash’s expression softened as his eyes glanced down at their laced fingers before meeting Shay’s gaze with a sheepish grin on his face.

“Of course I do Cherry Blossom, I gave you that book for your tenth birthday. You were obsessed with lighthouses back then but judging by the dust on the cover I’d say that’s been up here since you got back that summer, huh” Cash said in a tone that he clearly wanted to sound nonchalant, but Shay could tell by the way his tongue glided over his inviting lower lip, it bothered him. A soft sigh escaped Shay’s lips and she found herself tightening her grip on his large hand quite suddenly. Partly to comfort him and partly to keep him from slipping away from her again.

“It wasn’t like that Cashy, I promise. I love this book, that empty book stand on my shelf was always meant for it, but my mom couldn’t remember where she put it when we started redecorating.” Shay said sincerely, it was true after all. Her mom had misplaced it shortly after they started painting over the pink clouds on her ceiling that September and Shay hadn’t seen It since then but, she looked for it every month for a year. “I have no idea how it ended up in the attic though. I swore I put it in my closet that day we started moving things, but you know my mom. Too nosy for her own good.” Shay tacked on jokingly, Cash chuckled softly with a sheepish grin still plastered on his face, but Shay could tell his blue eyes were searching her green eyes for something.

“So, you never looked inside of it then…” Cash trailed in a way that made Shay think he knew something she didn’t. His eyes quickly darted between hers and the lighthouse situated in front of that picturesque sunset several times before settling back on her face with an obvious blush on his cheeks.

“No, why, did you put something top secret inside of it? Am I going to find the map to DeDe Green’s missing gnome collection in here or something” Shay said in a teasing tone, Cash rolled his eyes, and another sheepish chuckle escaped his lips. Shay looked over at him curiously. She wasn’t sure what to make of his sheepishness, but she could only assume the two empty bottles of white wine they’d shared was the driving force behind the emotional roller coaster they’d taken the other on in the past few hours.

“Pete and I never touched those creepy gnomes Shaylee, I assure you. I don’t know why everyone always assumes we’re behind most of Plymouth’s long-standing mysteries, if anything you and I would be the more likely culprits. We were quite impish if you recall” Cash said with amused blue eyes, now it was Shay’s turn to roll her eyes though she now found herself eyeing Cash up in a sort of bashful curiosity.

“Well, if it’s not a map, what’d you put in here Cashton Micheal?” Shay asked, eyeing him up in lighthearted suspicion through her thick lashes. Cash bit down on his lip sheepishly, drawing small circles on the back of her hand so delicately it had Shay’s stomach swirling with bashful butterflies.

“Just a love letter or two… or fifty. Didn’t you notice it was thicker than usual” Cash said nonchalantly, Shay rolled her eyes at him once more, but they were still very much amused as they gazed into his deeply.

“Fine don’t tell me, I’ll just have to look for myself then huh” Shay said pointedly arching her eyebrow at him. Cash chuckled again; his cheeks were still adorably rosy under the golden hues of afternoon summer sun streaming in through the attic’s window. Shay stared at him for a long while, just admiring how pretty he looked wrapped in golden beams of light and felt her cheeks heat up for about the millionth time today. Still, she was happy most of the intense, mildly bitter tension that hung between them had dissipated even if it wouldn’t last long.

“Why don’t you believe me when I say these things Cherry Blossom, have I ever lied to you?” Cash asked in a teasing tone of his own, but his eyes were surprisingly sincere and undoubtedly vulnerable as they stared back at her intently.

“Probably because you’re Cashton Ewing, one half of Plymouth’s dynamic joking duo” Shay said pointedly, Cash let out a long sigh and resumed toying with the ends of her blonde hair. His thumb continued drawing circles on the back of the small hand that was still intertwined with his larger one. Shay inhaled sharply, having the sudden feeling Cash was going to kiss her though she wasn’t quite sure why. He hadn’t even inched closer to her, there was just a sudden shift in the air and a look in his eyes she couldn’t quite explain.

“You know, Pete and I only became close because I thought you read those letters I stuck in that book while you were away. So, I thought you just didn’t want me around you that much anymore” Cash admitted, his eyes were incredibly sincere, and his expression was quite serious with the afternoon gold dancing on his face. Shay looked at him in suspicious disbelief, searching his eyes for a tell or a ‘got ya’ of some kind but she couldn’t find one nestled in his orbs of ocean blue. Instead, they silently flicked to the thick book sat atop her lap, urging her to open it and find out the truth for herself. Shay wasn’t sure what to think, let alone do with herself if there was really a long-lost declaration of love nestled within the pages of the book he’d given her for her tenth birthday. She found herself replaying parts of the heart-to-heart mother daughter conversation she had shared with Maggie Harris before Cash came clambering through her bay window.

“…take going through your old things as an opportunity to look at stuff with a pair of fresh eyes, maybe there was something you missed the first time around, maybe you might even find yourself up there…hmm. Fourteen is a rough year for everybody, things that seemed easy to say suddenly aren’t…”

Shay swore she felt her stomach do a dozen flips as her green eyes settled on the picturesque lighthouse floating upon purple, orange pink hues and wispy clouds for a long moment. They flicked back to Cash momentarily, spotting the obvious sheepish grin still sat on his face as he gazed at her, and her heart knew he was telling the truth. Still, Shay found herself more conflicted than ever before, all the answers she yearned for from him her whole life were most definitely sat on her lap at this very moment. And yet part of her didn’t want it to be true because that would mean having no choice but to dredge up memories of that lonely summer. It wasn’t like she didn’t think Cash deserved to know, he did but part of her knew he deserved better than her. Shay didn’t want to admit everything wrong with them now, was her fault. She’d felt the pang of guilt in her chest more times than she could deny or play off in the last few days, and most especially in the last few hours. That deep seeded truth that she had quite possibly hurt him way more than he ever hurt her was too much to bear, too much to acknowledge. So, she bottled it all up and shielded herself behind plausible deniability. Habitual late-night mantras to try and convince herself that what she felt for and from him, wasn’t real. That the blushes, butterflies, and giddy hormones were never and could never be reciprocated because guarded, lonesome pining felt safer than unbridled love and passion. But now that Shay knew it was a tangible possibility, she found herself wanting it and him more than ever.

“Here” Cash all but crooned, lowering the hand that had just been toying with the ends of blonde hair he grasped her free hand and guided it to flip the book open. Shay felt a plethora of aroused giddy goosebumps prick her skin at the tenderly adorable action and found herself resisting the urge to crash her lips onto his more than ever before. The book now sat open on her lap and her green eyes instantly recognized photographs of smaller versions of Cash and her cuddled up under bright summer rays and blue skies. She remembered that day in Cape Cod quite clearly, they’d been looking for seashells in heaps of tan grainy sand the first summer after Huck Ewing left. Cash was notably happier that summer, Shay couldn’t help but smile at the memory despite how hard her heart was pounding at present moment.

“I remember that summer” Shay said in a soft breathless sounding tone, finally finding it in her to move and speak. She flipped through the pile of photos with a small smile on her lips, recalling every memory with a wistful feeling in her chest. One lone photo caught her eye, an old polaroid of Cash cuddled up in her bed asleep with the stuffed horse he’d won at the state fair for her the summer before eighth grade. Shay gingerly picked up the photo and closely inspected it with knitted brows. She couldn’t recall a time where she’d ever gotten out of bed before he did, even back then, she wasn’t an early bird like he was. She could tell by the soft glow spilling in through her smaller bedroom window, the picture was taken in the early hours of the morning.

“I don’t remember this one, when was this taken Cashy? We both know I’m never the first one out of bed” Shay said curiously, gingerly picking the picture out of the book and holding it up for him to see. Shay watched as Cash eyed the picture and swore, she saw another dusty pink blush sweep across his cheeks. Cash met her gaze with that emotion she could never quite place swirling in his eyes though her heart now told her what it could be, she couldn’t bring herself to believe it. At least not until three words rolled off his tongue and hit her ears like a warm lullaby, but part of her still felt like she’d never hear them. The nagging thought that his advances were purely sexual and nothing more had been nestled in the back of her mind since they had lunch with Pete and Daisy. Along with the even worse realization that she’d definitely allow it to happen just to finally have him, even if it was just once, even if it was just for a night and even if it didn’t mean the same thing to him as it would her. She’d handle the anguish of that earthshattering truth the morning after because she had to. Because, if his lips even brushed against hers, she knew, she wouldn’t be able to stop…

“That summer you went away I still slept in your room sometimes…all the time really. Your mom didn’t mind; I missed you and you weren’t answering the letters I mustered up the courage to send. I thought about flying out to California everyday just to see you, you know, but you said you needed space, and I didn’t want to intrude on your summer fun.” Cash admitted wholeheartedly, without even a hint of hesitation for Shay to fall back on. Shay took a deep breath, finding it in her somewhere, she turned to face him completely and with the action Cash’s thumb increased the pace of the circles he’d been drawing on the back of her hand. He was trying to sooth her in a way that made Shay feel they were on the same wavelength for the first time since they were thirteen. Shay found herself fighting the almost primal urge to capture him in a kiss once more because their eyes locked with such an intense familiarity it had her feeling breathless. As the first string of pure vulnerability rolled off her tongue with more ease than she thought she was capable of, since that morning they shared brunch. Even then she only scratched the surface, now she supposed she could say more without even going into the deepest crevasses that negatively shaped her woeful adolescence.

“I lied Cash, I didn’t want space, I wanted to be with you, and I wanted to write back but I didn’t know what to say. I was so confused about everything that summer, that whole year really. I just… didn’t know what to do, it definitely wasn’t fun, I was miserable without you, but I didn’t think you’d miss me that much because you had Opal.” Shay said, her voice was soft and trembling with every word, but her tone was perhaps the most honest it had been in years. She knew the confession wasn’t much in comparison to the things she held the closest to her chest, but she did see something within the blue orbs in front of her change. A look resembling realization but of what she did not know. She didn’t really have time to think much about it either because before she could register the fact that Cash’s face was inching closer to hers. Their lips brushed, in a way so unbelievably fleeting, yet so incredibly tantalizing, Shay thought she must have imagined it. In one of her daylight musings about amorous trysts with the boy next door, the only man who ever truly had her heart.

Shay gasped, gazing up at Cashton Ewing flushed and utterly dumbfounded when she realized he was so close to her, his handsome face was out of focus. All she could make out was a mess of blurry blue and the feel of his warm breath waltzing over her plump lips when the thought finally dawned on her that she hadn’t imagined it. Cash had in fact kissed her for the briefest of moments and with that realization, what was left of her faux resolve shattered. Shay didn’t give it much thought before she launched herself into Cash’s arms and crashed her lips onto to his, latching onto him like he was the only life preserver out in a sea of deep blue. Almost as if he was the only thing keeping her from being swept up in a tidal wave, the only thing keeping her from floating away, in a way he was.

Cash let out an audible groan that sent shockwaves of both arousal and pleasure radiating to Shay’s warm core. She felt dizzy as his strong arms snaked round the small of her back, carefully trying to pull her small frame even closer to his than she already was. Shay let out a breathless groan of her own as she tangled her small fingers in his soft grey tendrils the way she’d been dreaming of since they were teenagers. The kiss deepened in a way that teetered on a gentle, demanding sort of synchronized hunger that made everything around them seem to fade away. It was perhaps the most in sync, the most in the moment, Shay had felt with Cashton Ewing since that Valentine’s Day they laid on a frozen pond, staring up at the stars and feather like snowflakes. Shay had thought nothing could top the way she felt that night, lying next to him on a sheet of ice while he stared at her like she was the center of his whole world, but this moment took it all. It almost made the twelve years of silent pining and sleepless nights worth tiresome treading up a slippery slope, worth it. At least before reality set in and Shay found it in herself to let them both up for some much-needed air. They sat there in silence for what felt like forever. Eyes closed, panting, unmoving, and still clinging to each other in a sea of blue seemingly trying to process what had just happened. Shay immediately found herself wishing she hadn’t dared to come up from something as silly as oxygen because the act of doing so, brought her back to earth.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Cash’s POV

            Cash wasn’t quite sure what he had done to get to this moment. With Shay, the love of his life wrapped up in his arms. Kissing him the way he had only ever dreamt of for the past twelve years, part of him still couldn’t believe it was real. Not even when she pulled away to catch her breath, Cash found himself just staring at her. Taking in the way her perfect chest rose and fell while she sat straddling his lap, eyes closed, and cheeks tinted the most adorable shade of pink. It was moments like these Cash wished he had his camera; he’d take pictures of Shay all day if she’d let him the way she used to when they were free spirited kids running along sandy shores. Cash could never quite pinpoint why those days felt so far away. Perhaps it was the weight of getting older. The inability to block out the anxious internal ramblings that plague the dreaded period of one’s coming of age only seems to get harder as the years tick by. It’s only when you muster the courage to no longer let those anxious Broadway shows in your head no longer rule your life. Sometimes, it’s easier said than done but for reasons Cash couldn’t understand everything about that kiss felt easy, freeing even. The last time he’d felt this uninhibited was that summer before eighth grade, the last true summer he had Shay had spent together. Sometimes that summer felt like a lifetime ago, but this one kiss somehow made it feel closer than ever before, he could almost see it now. With the late evening sun streaming through the attic window, cascading over Shay’s sun kissed skin and short, bouncy blonde hair. It always seemed to frame her heart shaped face to some sort of ethereal perfection.

            “How are you even real…” Cash breathed out just above a whisper, more so to himself than anything. His tone was soft but somehow still managed to make Shay jump in surprise where she still sat on his lap as his vibrato cut through the silence they’d fallen into. Cash held back an amused chuckle watching her pretty green eyes fly open to meet his smiling gaze. His smile faltered slightly as he quickly assessed that her green orbs were flooded with a stream of fear. He couldn’t remember the last time Shay had looked at him with anything other than what he could only describe as a cute sort of annoyed look on her face. Sometimes she put in the effort to hide it behind a tight smile that never quite reached her pretty eyes. Cash had grown to appreciate the effort because it meant maybe she thought about him half as much as he thought about her.

 “Didn’t mean to frighten you, Cherry Blossom” Cash cooed, reassuringly tone running his hands down the small of her back in soothing motions with a bashful, yet comforting grin on his face. Shay wordlessly stared back at him for quite some time, her face and eyes were unusually expressive for the first time since they were hormonal teenagers.

“…I’m so sorry…” Shay finally croaked with tears brimming her eyes, her small arms wrapped around her torso in a clear effort to comfort herself. Cash couldn’t help the way felt his heart drop to his stomach at how frail her voice sounded as it floated out of her now quivering lips. This wasn’t the reaction he was hoping to get after an earth-shattering kiss like that, but it certainly put things in perspective for him. Shay’s inability to recount what really happened that day she refused to open her window or why she went away for a whole summer was one born out of anxiety and fear. Fear of judgment, the fear of Cash’s judgment to be exact. Cash watched Shay’s chest heave rapidly up and then down with soft blue eyes, a mix of sweat and tears fell from her rapidly moving eyes. They scanned the room, refusing to meet the blue eyes sat before them, searching for an exit the same way they had that last Thanksgiving they’d seen each other …

            “You don’t have to be sorry, Cherry Blossom. I’m not…that was perfect” Cash said in a soft but careful tone, reaching up to wipe away tears rolling down her cheeks tenderly. He knew what he had to do now. It was something he should’ve at least done that Thanksgiving everything went wrong. Looking back at it now Cash could see that was the day Shay had tried to open the window for him again. He tried to convince himself she was just “asking for a friend” but he knew she wasn’t. Cash would be lying if he said his guilt for that wasn’t what spurred him to beat Tyler half to death in a hotel lobby that snowy day Shay called him in tears. A night Cash was most certain Shay didn’t remember but that was a conversation for another day, for now he’d comfort her in all the ways he wished he could over the last twelve years…

“I shouldn’t have done that. I’ve ruined everything… I’m so stupid!” Shay said between gasps and soft sobs. Cash shushed her, tightening his gentle hold on her now trembling body as she attempted to squirm off his lap. Cash knew what this had seen her like this only twice before. She was pulling away from him again both physically and emotionally the same way she had back then, and he wouldn’t let her do it. He couldn’t let her do it at least not now that he saw a possibility of this ending the way he’d only ever dreamt of… He just had to get her out of her head long enough to see that he’d loved her and always had.

            “You didn’t ruin anything, Cherry Blossom, you’re not stupid. I’m going to take you downstairs it’s okay” Cash said calmly, still wiping away hot tears from her flushed cheeks with determination in his comforting blue eyes. Shay didn’t respond, her eyes seemed to still be looking for a flight-based exit strategy part of Cash wasn’t even sure if she heard him over her hyperventilating. Still, he guided her small trembling arms to grab hold of his neck.

“Hold on to me Cherry Blossom. You’re going to be okay; I’ve got you” Cash cooed in her ear reassuringly, moving his hands to grip the back of her thighs. He slowly rose to his feet taking great care not to jolt her already form too suddenly as he weaved his way through half unpacked tattered brown boxes. Shay seemed mostly unaware of what Cash was doing or where she even was until he made it to the top of the stairs, her small arms tightened around his neck greatly.

“I’d never let you fall, Cherry Blossom, you know that” Cash cooed along with an unrestrained string of sweet nothings. They poured out of his mouth the way waves crash on the sandy shore, smoothing her over with everything he had in him. And for once it felt easy, showering Shay with praise and care the way she’d done for Cash every night he’d crawled through her window battered and bruised. That feeling he had for her on those nights, that level of reverence he held for her even then at the ripe age of 7 never went away. It only bloomed, blossoming the way a cherry blossom does in spring with dazzling hues of pink.

            “My chest hurts, Cashy, I can’t breathe…” Shay finally said still struggling to catch her breath when Cash finally strode into the kitchen. Her face was pale, and tearstained as she gazed up at him with the most helpless green eyes, he’d ever seen on her in his life. Cash gently shushed her once more, planting a tender kiss in her soft blonde curls, part of him wanted to cry right along with her. There was so much pain in her eyes and Cash didn’t know how he hadn’t seen it before but now that he had he would do everything within his power to snuff it out.

            “You’re having a panic attack, darling. Just breathe honey, I’ll get you some water and your snacks and we can watch some Harrison Ford movies” Cash crooned, attempting to set Shay’s shaky form on the living room sofa but her grip on his neck only tightened. Where she even found the strength to cling to him this was way beyond Cash right now.

            “Please don’t let me go, Cashy” her shaky voice hit Cash’s ear like some soft lullaby, but it was enough to deter him from setting her on the sofa. Cash nodded, silently plopping down on the sofa with Shay gingerly cradled in his arms; the action was enough for Shay’s breathing to slowly even out. Her green eyes were still clouded with a subtle amount of fear as they gazed up into his timidly.

            “I told you, no judgment on my part Cherry Blossom, remember?” Cash said placing a few more reassuring kisses into her soft curls with the same matured reverence he’d harbored for her since his youth. Before he softly wiped and kissed the few lingering tears on her flushed cheeks. It was hard to believe they’d had that conversation some hours ago a few feet from where they were no because it felt like they’d moved mountains since then. Cash felt Shay truly relax into his touch for the first time since they were kids. Smoothly melting into him and his comfort the way sand smooths under crashing waves of blue. Cash was sure it wouldn’t last too long; Shay had made it clear she was going to need a lot of reassurance if this thing between them was going to become anything like the way he hoped. Anything like the way he dreamed but for once Cash felt confident in his ability to get her there and that was more than enough…. That was everything.

🐦🐝🐦🐝🐦🐝🐦🐝🐦🐝🐦🐝🐦🐝🐦🐝🐦🐝🐦🐝

[onebraincell-itmiebcraft]

Liveblogging real life part 2: Joel (it's been 12 13 days) (already watched)

Okay so maybe we'll do the liveblog-every-five-minutes-unless-something-crazy thing also idk if I should link this up to my intro post (idk how) or reblogged my og one with this oh well we'll figure it out why am I eating AGAIN doing this

I got inspired after rewatching secret life my beloved for the umpteenth time :P

Okay ep. 1/finale is hilarious and new "series" 😭

Joel why did you point out the cursor I can't take my eyes away

First batch

Joel jumping then immediately keeling over in nausea:

Idk how to respond to that but it struck a chord within me, how true

BigB wholesome waving but it also looks like his arm is BENT I can't get over VR arms man 😭

Punching BigB because he's so tall is so real tbh + love the smash cut to Gem being salty

Headpatting + baby-ish voice "little gem/Ren/skizz" what a gentleman makes me think of the try not to cry challenge or Jimmy's crazy christmas series where he says Joel is a crybaby and Gem says he's a romance guy in a mental gymnastics train of thought

Grian throwing his head back from the outside?! Cryptid behaviour

The real life vids don't make me motion sick but Joel making retching and vomiting sounds does NOT help it makes me sick by proxy or something I hate being disoriented and nauseous too buddy

There's probably a video out there of someone comparing regular mc to vr because vr just hits different like proportions wise

Joel noises

Love this Joel-Gem duo already idk how to describe it just fun

Also Joel having to process out loud he won't throw up on Gem I remember playing Richie's plank experience or whatever years and years ago shit was REAL

Joel's inventory becoming disorganized with things that can be stacked together :(

Hey what gem said kinda reminds me of what grian said :D at the end of his episode awful :DD

Poor Joel he's battling his height complex alongside his motion sickness (rip bozo poor little meow meow)

I think almost everybody had the problem of facing the wall dude, it's okay it's very silly

Water foreshadowing (he will swim with his future gang and become incredibly sick)

Geminislay that pig

Wait till Joel learns about lying down‼️‼️

JOEL STOP MAKING NAUSEOUS SOUNDS I'M GONNA FROW UP 👹

"...Falling in powdered snow" kinda reminds me of this short story I read in grade 9 English class "The Bamboo Trap" protag fell in The Bamboo Trap™ and got bitten by big ass spiders or something the idiot, also I think got published in the same anthology as the most dangerous game 👊

Joel admits to weakness

Weird ass snow, someone built this or something?

Joel with his arms out looks so silly, so does gem

Oh gem how graceful with the figure skating history 👊👊👊✌️👉✌️✌️🤜🤛🤛🤜🙏

Lol they learn about the wrist chat

Second batch

Jimmy, oh iconic Timmy

Shield (why did I write this again?)

Bi shoes, love seeing gem's skin wearing the bi shoes I forget about it every once in a while and when I see it again it's a pleasant surprise

Vr players learn to pvp

When you use the shield to block in first person it looks kinda stupid dude

Campsite vibes tbh, I really like it.

Bee spotted 🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝 what is it doing

Shaky controller cursor over top chest plate I feel you

Falling irl indeed (recursive mention about plank)

LOUD holy moly Joel is loud (not negative)

Healf being something people can't look at at all times is actually a kinda funny mechanic

Smajor friendship aww when will they team up (did I forget about a series)

The poor beg for bread, we live in a society ✊😔

Grian killing??? Since when??? (Sarcastic)

Batch three

Peace and love is why they haven't died yet 😘

Arms again! Weird looking things

Hand gesture reminds me of that one diamond scar short with etho's greedy "I want the diamond" voice

Flint and steel? Weird looking thing

Omg red club looks like bugs, the way the trio gossips about them ♥️

Right no out messages...

Can't believe the most motion sick man gets in the water not once but TWICE this ep

Does he know

Where did the horse thing come from

Can't remember if I mentioned this but when the sword swings without critting in VR it looks so silly it pokes

A bugs life: the sequel

Club: deadly euphemism

Sword 😐

Something about jimmy doesn't get burnt...

Why is Jimmy jiggles the only one with a wooden sword???

Strong words from a man on the verge of mania 👀

Lol knowing impulse breaks the ground under Joel big brain man going for the kill

Something about the disappointed way Joel says "scar!" And scar stabbing him in the first caused this

Tim is so British he says "get in" so much

Joel, again exasperated, cries out "where's all my stuff?!"

Funny Minecraft men, my favourite funny Minecraft men

My god seeing from Joel's perspective his second death is from zombie

I think Joel was about to saying bluming + the cover behind house + the constant begging for his stuff back + violence as an answer (he hits men)

4

Oh scar up to no good again

JOEL GETS IN THE WATER AGAIN!!! MOTION SICKNESS WIN!

Joel and scar just did mitosis stop being scared of biology 🙄

What was Mr solidaritygaming doing in that hill and said yes to did he finally get iron?

Aw the silly arm motion I love greeting people with spirit fingers reminds me of that

GOON SQUAD?! (neuron activated)

Famous moment

Oh more famous moment here comes the smallidarity kiss

Love Tim's body language once again the sharp smooth head turn to grian he's like a cartoon character

(what grian mean they are suited and booted he cut this part out I don't remember the other povs 😢)

Leave it to solidaritygaming himself to be the most homoerotic straight man there is of course + Joel is still patting him on the head? + Timsel being cringefail needing to jump multiple times on ONE BLOCK + Joel did NOT need to lean that much he looks like he's powered by springs + Jim's arms always being so tight together. Makes him. Look like. An old granny??? + Joel IMMEDIATELY checking his wrist afterwards like it's a Tuesday and he's on break + homophobic GRIAN + impulse's dad delivery one liner

The more I watch smallidarity kiss the more bizarre and asinine it becomes to me 😀

When did Joel learn to button jump (he WAS mental for jumping irl irl)

Okay Joel cut out that canary comment why don't you 🙄🙄🙄

WHACK 💀 SHAKE YOUR HANDS REAL FAST 💀💀 JOEL SCREAM #3997 💀💀💀

Fond of Joel's cadence of saying "hello guys!" And "I'm coming in boys!" And "HAHA!" oddly musical

Okay aaaaaaand he dies worst ranking ever good for him the end

Idk if I should liveblog scar next or watch Ren because I've already watched up to skizz + me 'ead 'urts oh well

[spaceyaemonds]

pairing: evan buckley x reader

sum.: evan buckley loves nothing more than spending time in between your thighs.

warnings: MDNI. smut. literally like 99% smut. plot? don’t know her. oral (f!receiving), fingering, overstimulation, implied that buck cums in his pants, implied p in v sex, let me know if i missed anything!

notes: requested by a lovely anon, anon, i apologize for slightly drifting from the request. i started and then the ending just came out of nowhere but felt right. no one look at me, idk what came over me. unedited. any feedback is extremely appreciated, especially reblogs/asks!

wc: 941

Evan Buckley loves nothing more than coming home to you still in bed, wearing nothing but one of his LAFD t-shirts and pretty pink lace panties.

He’s exhausted. But he hasn’t seen you in over 24 hours. Hasn’t tasted you in over 24 hours.

Evan could live and die in between your thighs. And most days, he tries. Not that you let him most days, citing that the two of you have far more important things to do than spend the day in bed.

You’re off today. Probably scheduled a hot yoga or pilates class for around noon, but you shouldn’t have any real plans today.

Which means he can spend his morning in his favorite place.

Evan makes quick work of stripping himself down to his boxers and crawling into bed next to you.

He wastes no time kissing you awake, quickly and greedily placing his hands on your jaw and bringing his mouth to yours.

You moan into his mouth and kiss him back, waking back up.

“Evan,” You bite your lip as he kisses his way down your neck, making sure to bite down sharply at the junction where your neck and shoulder meet.

“I have, oh fuck, a class in like 20 minutes,” You moan out, and feel him grin against your skin.

“I’ll pay your no show fee, again,”

You roll your eyes when you feel his greedy hands play with the waistband of the frilly pink lace you call panties that he knows you put on when he texted you that he was on his way home.

“They’re going to just cancel my membership at this rate,” Your fingernails dig into his bare shoulders, his mouth finding yours as he starts yanking at your underwear.

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing there’s about twelve other pilates studios in a five-mile radius,”

Cheeky bastard.

“And are you going to be paying for my membership to one of these nicer studios?”

He finally pulls away from you to practically rip the t-shirt you're wearing off of your body, one hand immediately pinching at one of your nipples.

“If you want to go to the most expensive pilates studio in LA, I’ll make it happen baby,”

Smirking, you grab his free hand and place it right at your pussy.

“Well then, big boy, you better get your money’s worth,”

Not needing to be told twice, he quickly rips your panties off, kissing your hip bone where one side of the lace dug in harshly.

Blue eyes quickly meet yours, gleaming slightly at the pout on your pretty mouth, “I’ll, uh, replace those too,”

“I know you will, baby,”

Wasting no more time, his tongue licks from the bottom of your cunt to your clit, lightly sucking on your bundle of nerves.

“Oh my god,” Hands finding purchase in his hair and tugging sharply, causing him to groan deeply.

He feels his cock harden, between your whiny moans, the feeling of your fingers tugging at his scalp, and the taste of you on his tongue, he imagines he’ll be cumming in his pants before you have your first orgasm.

Well, he can’t have that.

Tugging your thighs over his shoulders, he tugs you closer to his mouth, tongue making quick work of your clit.

Your grips on his hair tightens along with your core, thighs shaking lightly as you cum with a sharp moan.

Light whimpers leave your mouth as he continues to lightly lick at you, groaning as he grinds his own hips into the bed searching for some sort of relief at the hardness in his boxers.

You push lightly at his forehead, and his lips pull away from you with a light pop.

“You can give me one more,” It’s not a question. Your heart races at the gleam in his eyes

Four orgasms later, you’re hyperventilating and all your limbs are shaking.

Evan’s mouth, and now fingers, have yet to relent their assault on your poor pussy, eyes rolled back in pleasure despite the wet, sticky feeling coming from his boxers.

“E-evan I, oh god,” Tears are streaming down your face as you feel yourself clench down on his fingers, signaling your fifth orgasm of the morning.

“I can’t, oh fuck, oh fuck. Evan, I can’t cum again,”

He pulls his mouth away, but his fingers continue curling up against that spot inside you just right.

“Oh more, please, please. Gimme one more,”

If you didn’t feel so overwhelmed, you’d make fun of him. Looking at you like a puppy begging for scraps.

You’re surprised you can even cum again, you’re less surprised when Evan quickly pulls his fingers from your twitching hole to replace it with his tongue, desperate to drink what your body gives him.

His tongue is kind as it fucks you through your orgasm, hands rubbing your thighs gently to ease the shaking when he finally pulls away from you.

His mouth is on yours just as fast, both of you whimpering when his, somehow, still hard cock grindes against your overstimulated pussy. The sticky wetness of his cum seeping through his boxers and slick of your own cum making your toes curl.

You chase his mouth when he pulls away from you, both of you taking deep breaths.

He looks desperate for you still, puppy eyes shining brightly.

A sadistic feeling climbs up his spine at the tears filling your eyes when he starts grinding just a little harder.

“You did such a good job for me baby,” He sighs, closing his eyes, exhaustion from work slowly starting to creep in, “but can you give me just one more?

[suitsusboth]

20 Questions for Fic Writers!

Tagged by @harnitbee 💜💜💜

1- How many works do you have on AO3?

currently six!

2- What's your total AO3 word count?

314,403 which is wild since i’ve only been doing this about a year and a half? i don’t think i wrote that much in college????

3- What fandoms do you write for?

Bridgerton 🐝 I’ve thought about writing for other fandoms in the past but nothing quite got a grip on me like Anthony and Kate 😌

4- What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. love came back to me (still stunned at the reception of this fic)

2. just go with it (my fun little one shot)

3. where the love light gleams (my baby 🩵)

4. can’t two people reconnect (basically an exercise in writing smut)

5. if only in my dreams (🥹 wholesome epilogue/christmas fic to where the love light gleams)

5- Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i do for the most part, mostly because i appreciate the time people take to write them as usually they’re very encouraging and i love to answer questions or clarify things if needed. anyone who’s commented on a fic of mine ilysm 🥹💜

6- What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i dont think i’ve got a fic with an angsty ending, i love a good old happily ever after, buuuut i’d say love came back to me was the angstiest fic over all (lmk if you disagree!)

7- What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

mmmm a tough one because i end them all happily, but i think if only in my dreams and just go with it are the happiest over all

8- Do you get hate on fics?

luckily not really just the occasional odd comment that kinda leaves me scratching my head

9- Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes, well, trying to 😅  

10- Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

nah

11- Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of??

12- Have you ever had a fic translated?

not that I am aware of!

13- Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no, but i think it would be fun… i’m just slow at writing so I don’t know if that would pose an issue

14- What's your all-time favourite ship?

Kanthony, forever and always baaaaaby 💜 the power they have over me is insane 😌

15- What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

the elopement au 🤪

16- What are your writing strengths?

ermm i’d say i don’t really have strengths it’s mostly a hot mess but maybe dialogue?? 😅

17- What are your writing weaknesses?

oh man…. my editor/beta reader will tell you spelling and grammar for SURE but probably also staying focused and motivated as well. if i’m tired of writing i think i don’t do the best i can so sections can suffer and then i’m too lazy to go back and fix it

18- Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

physically impossible for me as i have little to no other language skills (if you can you’re incredible!) i added some french to lcbtm but that was all google translate lol

19- First fandom you wrote for?

bridgerton 😉

20- Favorite fic you've written?

i can’t chose they’re all my babies 🥹

love came back to me i’m the proudest of because it’s my first fic i published and the longest and even though i took breaks i kept at it

where the love light gleams just holds a special part of my heart i love that cozy universe

just go with it was definitely the easiest and funnest to write though. i’m proud of the banter in that one tbh.

[bigmack2go]

🎱 52 pages of “marked for later” 9 works, 1 series, and 0 bookmarks bc i dont understand those lmao

🍓i wrote a dwk fanfiction on watpad💀💀💀

🌵 https://music.apple.com/de/playlist/blackbrid/pl.u-2aoqq0eUNWg2YGN?l=en

🕯️♾️because when i come back i cringe at myself reading the first draft and the satisfaction i get from editing it afterwards is jusy everything a pal could ask for🤤

🛼:⛸️🏒🩰📲📇

🥑 nonr bc none live even near me :=)

🥤 OMG “someone tried to dethrone Spot Conlon”>>>

💌 dunno. Dont care to

🌻 @eponine-thenadier

🐇 used to prefere reader self insert but now i cringe to death with that so deffo oc’s

🧃 this is hard bc i overshare all the time and can’t think of anything rn lmao. Lemme think. Ok well idk if this counts but im like 88% sure ive broken the fourth wall

🎲everything?? But also nothing?? Procrastination. The fact that disney keeps taking away my references. The fact that my motivation was lost at sea? Ir welk it was lost that one time my computer broke with the only copy of the WHOLE DAMN BOOK i’d just finished wroting before i could get a back up

🍄 SMALL SLANKY BF IKE AND BIG BUFF BOSS GF HOTSHOT ™️

🧸tbh if u have the same interest as me u just gotta follow me and i’ll just randomly spawn in ur dm’s at some point

🪐school (crazy i knwo), work (even crazier wtf), and procrastination of everything else

📚

Lmfao added to my rhymes lists

🍬SPIDER IS NOT A BAD PERSON

🔪can u legally marry a dog💀💀💀

🦷when u sew smt, dont look at the needle and the place you sew at, look at the edge of ur cloth and make sure its parallel. It’ll help better making a straight line.

🌿sometimes procrastination is a good thing. But not if you already started. Either u push the whole thing or dont push. Sometimes the story’s simply not ready and developed

🏜️a whole damn analysis on the chapter

🍦 smart, technically has sort of good intentions,,, sorta, really cool scar???

🦋idek

🦴 depends if ur talking fanfics or my actual book

🍅your german writing is better than your english ones and you know it damn well. Stop pretending.

🐚”like”??!! I LIVE SUPRISES

☁️my name.

🐝 @ykthefancyclamwiththepearlinside tall. @eponine-thenadier ILYSM YDEK THERE ARE SO NANY THINGS IDEK WHERE TO START. Rest isnt on tumblr🤷

🌸

Sunny Pepsi and Isi

Jürgen

Cappuccino

Writers Truth & Dare Ask Game

🎱 ⇢ post your AO3 total stats  🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?  🌵 ⇢ share the link to a playlist you love 🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that? 🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis 🥑 ⇢ you accidentally killed somebody, which mutual(s) do you text for help? 🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love 💌 ⇢ how many unread emails do you have right now?  🌻 ⇢ tag someone you appreciate but don't talk to on a regular basis 🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both?  🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before 🎲 ⇢ what stops you from writing more in your free time?  🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings 🧸 ⇢ what's the fastest way to become your mutual? 🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now 📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app?  🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character 🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project? 🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on ❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best? 🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity 🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh  🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work? 🍦 ⇢ name three good things about a character you hate 🥝 ⇢ do you lie a lot? what's the most recent lie you told? 🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately  🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing?  🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing 🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises? 🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here ☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username? 🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them 🌸 ⇢ do you have any pets? if you do, post some pictures of them 🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it 🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

[writingamarie]

9-1-1 fandom: in lieu of a WIP Wednesday, i'll do this instead.

for every emoji i receive i’ll write 3 sentences for the story (and post a snippet of what i have so far)

🌊 the only easy day (3 part buddie. angst. hurt. hea)

🐝 the pull of us (post lawsuit, buck backstory divergence, buddie, tarlos, buck/tk)

🌩️ echoes of the storm (buddie hunger games au)

🤠 doesn’t change a thing (eddie backstory, post season 7, pre-buddie)

⛪️ best kept secret (catholic school au buddie, not hea)

🫧 ruined (post lawsuit, dark, dead dove, why did i use buck to work through trauma?)

i know no one in this fandom so this is pointless haha

[fanby-fckry]

Voxblr must’ve been going off the day Fizzarozzie went canon. The RPF girlies would’ve gone wild.

Source: voxblr.vox #unreality cw #meta post #hellaverse #hazbin hotel #helluva boss

( 6 notes )

🐸 jest-fizzarolli Follow

Feb 14, 2014

Mammon’s got a new brand deal in the works for me. can’t say much about it yet, but I’m heading to Lust today to work out some kinks.

🐸 jest-fizzarolli Follow

Feb 14, 2014

fuck why did no one tell me Asmodeus was so hot?

🐸 jest-fizzarolli Follow

Feb 14, 2014

ok, you know what, that’s fair.

🐸 jest-fizzarolli Follow

Feb 15, 2014

he’s actually… really sweet, too.

🐸 jest-fizzarolli Follow

2 min. ago

update: we’re dating now

#you guys have no idea how long I’ve waited to say that #as scared as I was to go public #it’s a relief to finally stop hiding ↯ #fizzarozzie #my posts

( 110,0788 notes )

🌕 m00nlight_h0wling 🌗 Follow

20 min. ago

can’t believe @.queen-bee-lzebub made me read the word “clussy” with my own two eyeballs.

🐝 queen-bee-lzebub Follow

18 min. ago

Aww, babe forgive me? 🥺

🌕 m00nlight-h0wling 🌗 Follow

18 min. ago

no <3

🐝 queen-bee-lzebub Follow

15 min. ago

Clussy clussy clussy clussy clussy clussy clussy clussy clussy clussy clussy clussy

🐺 666--vortex Follow

14 min. ago

#bee stop instigating #and loon let bee post what she wants #ists y’all fight too much

( 264 notes )

🐝 queen-bee-lzebub Follow

29 min. ago

"average imp fucks a Sin 3 times a year" factoid actualy just statistical error. average imp fucks 0 Sins per year. Fizzarolli Georg, who lives in Lust Ring & fucks Asmodeus over 10,000 times each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

Source: voxblr.vox ↯ #fizzarozzie #it’s about fuckin time #get that clussy ozz!!! #fr tho #happy for u 2 💛 #👑🐝

( 757,491 notes )

🌈 hells-disney-princess Follow

47 min. ago

Soooo @.ozzie-king-of-lust @.jest-fizzarolli

When’s the wedding?

#love wins ↯ #fizzarozzie #love you uncle ozzie!! #and you too uncle fizz!! #❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 #🥹🥰💖 #🌈 posts

( 59 notes )

🪡 niffty-lady 📠 Follow

Feb 20, 2014

I can’t be the only demon shipping Fizzarolli and Asmodeus, can I? They’d be so cute together!!!

I’m thinking Fizzmodeus for the ship name. Or maybe Fizzarozzie? Oh that sounds muuuch better actually.

🪡 niffty-lady 📠 Follow

Apr 21, 2014

Confession time: I have a contact that helps me get tabloids from Lust into Pride.

I shipped Fizzarozzie wayyy before the tabloids started reporting on them but it’s good inspo

🪡 niffty-lady 📠 Follow

Nov 1, 2019

Ok, I know some of you are gonna think I’m crazy, but I think Fizzarozzie is ACTUALLY canon???

🪡 niffty-lady 📠 Follow

50 min. ago

SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!! I knew it!!!!!!

🪡 niffty-lady 📠 Follow

50 min. ago

I told you! Didn’t I tell you?

↯ #fizzarozzie #it’s CANON!!! #I am going to write SO! MUCH! FANFICTION! #new otp unlocked!!!

( 110 notes )

🐸 jest-fizzarolli Follow

1 hr. ago

quiet quitting is cool and all… but I’m about to go out with a bang! 💥😈🎶

↯ #mammon’s clown pageant #jester’s privilege #my posts

( 147,173 notes )

👓 creepz0 Follow

2 hr. ago

UNBELIEVABLE

Fuckzzarolli is such an ungrateful clown. Doesnt care about his fans AT ALL. Hes not funny anyway.

#anti-fizzarolli #fizzi critical ↯ #fizzarolli

( 0 notes )

👯‍♀️ glitz-n-glam Follow

2 hr. ago

Got this one in the bag! Fizza-rotty doesn’t stand a chance. 😈😈

↯ #mammon’s clown pageant #klown bitch #glitz n glam #klown posting

( 5,820 notes )

💥 blitz-the-o-is-silent Follow

3 hr. ago

fuck the h8rs fizz u got this

↯ #mammon’s clown pageant ↯ #fizzarolli

( 4 notes )

📺 voxblr4k ☑️ ☑️ ☑️ Follow

8 hr. ago

Thanks to a Deal with @.million-dollar-mammon Mammon’s Clown Pageant will be coming to Pride for the first time since 2010!

Tune in to watch live on VoxTV at 8:00 pm or stream it on Voxflix.

#and remember #if you fuckers pirate this #it’s not just my wrath you’ll be facing for breaking tos ↯ #mammon’s clown pageant #VoxTV #Voxflix #VoxTek

( 49,711 notes )

⬜️ voxblrverse-meta Follow

9 hr. ago

Fanby’s Fake Dash Masterpost

[mossyquill02]

Intro Post 🌿

Welcome to my main blog!

This blog is a space dedicated to posting positive content only—for times when you need to get away from the depressing global news and just be silly. This is also a safe space for people of all identities, with the exception of bigots (see end of post for DNIs).

Ask box is open if you have questions of just want to say hi :)

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🌿 🪴 🪱 🦔 🌱 🌳 🐝 🐞 🍃 🍄 🌻 🐸 ☘️

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Online name: MossyQuill (he/they)

I am… trans, asexual, queer, autistic, disabled, university student.

This blog is the center of my chaos—I post about anything and everything here, but I try to keep it generally light and positive in tone. To maintain this blog as a safe and positive online space, discussion of more serious topics will be kept on related side blogs. This includes discussion of all current world issues—such as the ongoing Palestinian genocide, LGBT rights, women’s rights, etc…

If you’re looking for something specific, my side blogs are curated to specific topics/interests:

1. @archaeologistic — current world issues, anthropology, archaeology, and anything vaguely historical.

2. @wordsinto-thevoid — my writing blog, for all things writing. Tips, planning, character development, thoughts and ideas, and more.

3. @thedoctors-hat — Doctor Who fan blog.

4. @terroria — Terraria fan blog and build inspiration.

5. @villagercore — Animal Crossing blog, mainly for island design inspiration.

6. @bungoubongoboys — Bungou Stray Dogs fan blog.

7. @tropefic — (18+) writing blog focused on angst and whump related tropes.

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🌿 🪴 🪱 🦔 🌱 🌳 🐝 🐞 🍃 🍄 🌻 🐸 ☘️

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Do Not Interact (DNI)

if you support or identify as/with:

1. Bigotry of any kind, including (but not limited to) racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, disability fake-claiming, anti-semitism, religious intolerance towards ANY religion, etc

2. TERFs (this is included under bigotry and transphobia, but it’s worth restating)

3. Being anti-male / anti-men (including blogs stating “men DNI”)

4. Anti-vax, even if it’s “only for COVID”

5. COVID denial, anti-masking, pro-‘let them die’ (disregard and contempt for vulnerable populations)

6. White supremacy, or any theories of racially-based superiority (again, bigotry and racism)

7. Replacement theory (again, racism)

8. Support Neo-Nazism or related movements (how many times do I have to say racism?)

9. Denial of known historical events (including Holocaust denial)

10. Support the IDF, the political entity that is the nation of Israel, the terrorist group Hamas, and/or the targeted killing of civilians, regardless of the nationality of those civilians

11. Oppose humanitarian aid for the people of any country, nation, or group

12. Oppose human rights for ANY group, regardless of reason. Rights include access to food, water, shelter, medical care, education, and general safety (among others). Any group means ANY group—even homeless, addicts, convicted criminals, or any other group you don’t like; any reason means ANY reason—even if you don’t like what someone does with their rights, body, money, or life.

[polrbearsims]

15 Questions for 15 Mutuals

Thank you for tagging me @pixelatedpretties 🦋

1. Are you named after anyone? No, my mom says she just always liked the name Kaitlyn. 2. When was the last time you cried? Tears of sadness or tears of joy? I cried today, but it’s good. I went through so much discovery and growth, that I find myself crying tears of joy more often than tears of sadness nowadays. Even after having to finally go deep into myself and finally take out some difficult memories and heal them after I never wanted to think about them again, I feel better now than I ever could have if I had left those things locked inside. I may look young and fresh, but this is not my first life. 3. Do you have kids? No, not yet, but I definitely plan on it. I also have some names planned and locked in. I’ve known what I wanted to name a son since I was in middle school. 4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? No, but I think I crack a lot of jokes now. When I was a teen I don’t think I was as funny as I am now.  5. What sports do you play/have you played? Never did any sports seriously in this life, but my dad passed me his genes for being good at shooting hoops in basketball. 6. What’s the first thing you notice about other people? 100% Their hair. 7. Scary movies or happy endings? I have always been a Disney, fairytale, happy musical, happy ending, true love into the sunset kind of girl! 8. Any special talents? I’m a singer. 9. Where were you born? A city named Bridgeport.🌃 (As a Sims 3 player, I love to say that!) 10. What are your hobbies? Playing Sims 3! Also biking, hiking, crochet, embroidery, writing stories and poetry, taking photos of pretty things, flowers, bugs.🐝🐛 11. Do you have any pets? I have my 14 year old cat named Zeus. I’ve had him since I was 12 years old. He’s now harness trained and I can take him for walks in my yard. He’s super affectionate, gentle, and smart. We also think he tries to speak... 12. How tall are you? 5 foot 4, aka 162.56cm 13. Favorite subject in school? Either Math or Science...but you can’t really separate them. (I also love to point out that when people pick on Americans for saying Math, they don’t seem very bright. It blows me away how they could not understand that when Americans say Math, we’re are using it as a shortening of the word Mathematics, which is already plural. So Math is plural. Just because we chose to shorten a plural word differently doesn’t make either of us ‘right’ or ‘wrong.’ It makes it a geographical preference. Is the word deer not plural just because it has no s? You would never say deers! English is complex and a word doesn’t need an s at the end to be plural.) 14. Dream Job? Get back in the limelight like I was in other lives. 15. Eye color? Blue I saw that a lot of the mutuals who came to mind immediately had already been tagged by other people, so anyone who sees this, wants to do this, and hasn’t been tagged by anyone, can take this as their invitation.💟