#(negative experience with them in the past)
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How to get more in touch with your spiritual gifts?
Pile 1
You can work succesfully with your spirit guides, try to be in touch with them, they can help you a lot. If you have an addiction or a bad habit, and you try to stop it, when you are alone, listen to what that inner voice says. It's your spirit guides, they will be there for you in the hard days. If you enjoy life, your intuition will get better. Be in the nature, laugh a lot, be with people you love. When you do this, your intuition will be on point without even trying. You can use Tarot or oracle cards too. Start with small questions. Also try to guess something small, like what color will be your friend's shirt when you next meet. This way you can be better in a fun way. You can have an incredible connection with your loved ones spiritually, you can meet them in your dreams, and you can send energy, healing. But don't send bad things, not even to bad people. If you have negative feelings, speak with someone or write it down, don't hold it in yourself.
Pile 2
You are probably a little more logical, but you can see things from a different perspective. Try to look at spiritual things with an open mind. You have a friend who is more spiritual, they can help you see things in a unique way. Even if you feel like you don't have spiritual talent, you will be surprised with the amount of symbols, synchronycities you will experience if you are more open. And those aren't only coincedences. You should work on the reason why you have this block in yourself against spirituality. You probably have some unresolved bad experience in your subconcious mind. But you have a good intuition actually, if you let yourself be more emotional, you sense people's vibe, you can predict things. Moving, walking, dancing is really good for you, it activates good energy in you. But if you want to feel an important thing or someone's real motive, you need to be alone, meditate, relax. Don't think about the problem, just relax, clear your mind, and you will get the answer.
Pile 3
You probably have intense dreams, and even if it feels chaotic, it always has a meaning. You can practice lucid dreams too, you will meet your future spouse in your dreams before meeting them in real life. You can feel while traveling that you lived in that city/country, you can feel an attraction to different cultures. If it didn't happened yet, you probably will have this experience one day. It will be definitely a meaningful event in your life, you can even move to another place after. You can be good in learning languages too, or one particular language, because of this past life. When you will heal from bad experiences, that's when your intuition will get better. You will see why something didn't worked out, even be grateful looking back. Until than, don't give up, you have a vision, and it's not just a daydream, it's your destiny. You can use vision boards, and visualisation. Try to keep balance in your life, don't overindulge in anything, that isn't good for your energy.
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Edit (With Yuni) 2nd Anniversary - Twisted wonderland.
Now some curiosities of dynamics with the second year boys. 1. Yuni gets along quite well with Kalim, but gets along badly with Jamil because of what happened in book 4. However, she treats him only because Kalim is happy to see them interact. Although in book 6 you can see that she gets along much better with Jamil. On his part, he doesn't really tolerate Yuni that much at first, with time he likes her more. 2. The Leech twins tend to intimidate Yuni quite a bit, causing amusing reactions. To Yuni the twins are just plain weird, although she stresses that she likes Jade a bit more just because he looks handsome to her, while Floyd she describes as “someone with a goofy face.” 3. Yuni and Ruggie have a relationship based on playing pranks on each other. Or at best they both get together to play pranks (their target is mostly Leona). 4. Riddle tends to have a somewhat authoritarian relationship with Yuni, almost always acting as a guardian, caring for and protecting Yuni because he inadvertently sees her as a bit inferior for not having magic. This treatment from Riddle to Yuni generates in her a dislike, because she does not see Riddle neither as a leader, tutor or other authority, she only sees him as a 17 year old boy like her who sometimes cries like a little boy and lacks to go outside more. Nevertheless, Yuni usually puts up with such overprotective treatment from Riddle because she doesn't want to make him feel bad (or angry). 5. Yuni did not have such a close friendship with Silver until she got to know him better in book 7. It was common for Yuni to only be cordial with Silver either because compared to Sebek (Yuni refers to Silver mostly as “Sebek's friend.”) he is nicer or because he hangs out with Lilia and Malleus (with these guys he gets along better). 6. It is normal for Yuni to get along well with Azul with whom he also has a rivalry. They almost always act with sarcasm. When Yuni is with Azul and Idia, it is common that she always prefers to be with Idia to annoy Azul. However when she is with Azul and Jamil, it is common for her to support Azul or be with him to make fun of Jamil. However, if she is with Azul, Jamil and Ace, it is normal to see Yuni looking for a way to make fun of both Azul and Jamil in order to be on Ace's side, who is her best friend (this in the Tapis Rouge event). 7. Azul has a little crush with Yuni (this is based on a headcanon) however this feeling is born out of an idealization that has to do with Azul's past. Yuni is aware of his feelings but acts as if she doesn't know because she wants to maintain the friendship. 8. Yuni suffers from chapodiphobia (Fear of cephalopods such as octopuses and squids) because of a childhood experience, she is often terrified of the weird structure and tentacles of octopuses, squids, etc. Apart from that Yuni does not know how to swim and is afraid to try it also because of the same bad experience. In book 3 she had a lot of difficulties. 9. Yuni and Kalim's relationship can be called quite good, however, She does despair that Kalim is too nice to the point of forgiving Jamil even though he practically kidnapped all of Scarabia and manipulated everyone with his unique magic. 10. When Floyd dances out of happiness or is seen dancing, Yuni usually joins him in dancing. Also Yuni sometimes dances knowing that Floyd will keep up with him (even if there is no music). Extra 11. Jade sometimes gives Yuni foods containing fungi that sometimes make her react negatively. According to Jade she reacts very cute and funny.
#twisted oc#twst oc#twisted wonderland#yunitwst#disney twst#twst yuu#yuu twisted wonderland#twst wonderland#edit
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On Dargonus:
Lynette's thought *after coming across Calcazar and his acolytes in her study*: Ok, it's weird. But at least that's nice they're not in my bedroom.
#frankly speaking she's not really worried 'cause she expected smth. like this#she's very suspicious and even paranoid when it comes to the inquisition#(negative experience with them in the past)#what's more heinrix warned her already also she found strange that calcazar didn't have a word with her at the ceremony#so she came to the right conclusions#sadly she suspected that heinrix's warning was dealt with his intention to stay as part of her retinue to keep spying her#just an elaborate plan coordinated by both him an calcazar#she already likes him but can't forget who he works for#meanwhile heinrix has recently realized he has feelings for her#but what's more he respects her and believes she deserves to be prepared considering her past#in commoragh lynette figures out that she was wrong#in the study lynette needs to pretend to be someone who's surprised and nervous but tries to control herself#although she's not that nervous unexpectedly#l hope she'll cope with that!#rogue trader#warhammer 40k rogue trader#heinrix van calox#xavier calcazar#von valancius#oc: lynette von valancius#rogue trader playthrough#random thoughts#rogue trader thoughts#magnae accessio#headcanons
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Thoughts on the Typhlosion allegations/pokemon teraleaks?
Okay, here’s what I’ll say about that. (And fair warning, it is nothing positive)
I think the fandoms reaction to these “leaks” has been absolutely ridiculous. They are not canon, they do not change pre-existing information present in the games and anime. Concept art is interesting, but things that were scrapped and did not appear in the actual media should not be regarded as fact.
Especially the Typhlosion thing, it’s like if jk Rowling said ‘oh yeah at one point in the writing process I thought Harry Potter would be a girl, but I changed my mind’ and the fandom went ‘oh my god Harry’s been a girl this whole time!’ Like no, a lot of work and ideas go into the concept and development of works like these, and then creators pick and choose the best of their ideas and use that, but I think it’s very problematic to judge them on the concepts that they themselves already decided weren’t good enough to use.
I have very strict opinions about what counts as canon, and that very simply is ‘what is in the work itself’. Unused concepts, things a creator said years later online, and really popular headcanons don’t count. They’ll never count, sorry but that’s not how language works, you can’t just redefine canon to encompass anything that maybe could have been a part of the project. It can be super neat to look at what changes could have been made, but it needs to be understood that that does not impact what the actual game is like.
This Typhlosion thing especially, it *could* be neat if people just took the scrapped stories to go “oh yeah the Pokémon world could have had myths and legends similar to our own! That will be interesting to explore in fan works!” But that’s not what the majority of people did. Instead, people took it to mean that somehow all Typhlosion are secretly evil and shouldn’t be left alone with children and anyone who has one or likes that Pokémon should be ridiculed based on nothing.
Because the stuff that in those leaks (baring things about unreleased games) are nothing. Looking at them in the sense of seeing ‘How It’s Made’ is interesting, fine go for it yeah sure, but they have absolutely no bearing on the actual franchise itself. And I have no patience for the people taking them as gospel and insisting they be considered more true over the actual canon.
#this buissness with the leaks has made me so frustrated#so I’ve been avoiding them as much as possible#not to mention from what I heard real employees data also got leaked#so maybe let’s not make the leaks super popular and encourage this behaviour#It’s already so stressful to make your work public because of how judgmental the internet always is#I don’t like the idea people can’t even have bad ideas in the concept stage without getting torn apart for it#in my own works I’ve had ideas and written them down before thinking actually this isn’t as good as something else#and the scrapping the bad idea#that doesn’t mean those bad ideas are the secret real canon#I’ve had very negative experiences in the past about being told something was secretly canon (for the record no it wasn’t) and so because of#that my headcanon made me a shit person#and that’s ridiculous#I’ll bang this drum all the live long day#have as many head canons as you want#but don’t get mad when someone else’s head canons or the sorce material disagrees with you#I love Pokemon and these leaks are dumb#plus apparently the Typhlosion thing was a mistranslation#my Typhlosion from Ultra Moon EH-FLAMME doesnt deserve this slander lol#for the record her name came from Wondertrade I didn’t pick it#Pokémon#teraleak
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Kinda out of pocket/vaguely suggestive statement Abt Static cuz . Yeag
I feel like Static would enjoy wearing barbed collars,,, like . The type that barb on the inside. Not only would they enjoy it, but it'd be practical since they wouldn't slip off as easy as normal collars or necklaces due to their lack of . Well . most of a neck.
#at this point i cant tell whats more suggestive than others cause ive been desensitized HSKSK#but yeabhh#theyd like neck accessories in general tbh- not even just uh . for certain purposes#but like necklacess and they already wear a buncha neck anchoring tops (turtle necks nd halters and such)#i could go on abt how theyve had . negative experiences in the past with things around their neck and this is a big ole 'fuck you' for them#but also it just gets em goin#thumbsup#anygays!! crawls away now#static the beloved#ooc rambles#tw slightly suggestive
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ngl it sort of pisses me off the way adults regard Gojo in Jujutsu Kaisen at times. Which could be a very interesting and poignant point in a good way if well written, but as it is it becomes mainly just frustrating and sad in a negative way.
Nanami saying Gojo never cared about anything or anyone other than himself crashes interestingly with Kusakabe saying the whole situation was just all his fault because he refused to kill Itadori. The students are very aware of those aspects of Gojo's personality, but overall they seem to regard him with way more kindness and fondness even when at their rudest, not truly coinciding with either Nanami's or Kusakabe's views.
#Kusakabe's words are harsh and negative but there's some true and some logic to them#but in beholding the entire story and the whole context‚ especially with the flashbacks in mind‚ in getting to know the sweet kid Yuuji is‚#the reader is made to find Kusakabe's words a bit outrageous and cruel and Gojo's position becomes the obvious one like Nanami's was#Like Kusakabe's is too in a way since he too says no matter what it's always the adults' fault whatever the cause was#And following the story we see Gojo cared a lot about those kids and them keeping their youthful cheerfulness if in his very flippant way#That's basically his main constant thread. We see it at the very beginning in what he did for Yuta and how Yuta is so fond of him#We see him at the very end in a way too with the letters he left#And his entire motivation was changing the very messed up society to avoid the kids going through what he and his friends went through#and to prevent them from being lonely the way he felt he was. Ontologically alienated. Entirely othered#And of course it's in part him keeping people away like Shoko. Or even Yuta (though here again it's at the core of his action his attempt#at protecting the kids and trying to prevent them from growing too fast)#And of course this is motivated by his own experiences and in that sense not entirely a selfless act#But those things still don't negate that his goal was for the future kids to be... in a better situation than what he and his friends lived#So Nanami's words are very cruel and... blind. Of course it's possible that Gojo's way of approaching the problem is still something#Nanami would regard as selfish (but it could be argued that so is Nanami's)‚ or that Gojo's perception of Nanami's way of thinking#about him would be this negative. But what we see through the story absolutely contradict Nanami's words in that airport#And though both Nanami's words and Kusakabe's are negative in regards to Gojo‚ they in a way contradict each other#The kids' words and way of seeing Gojo is most of the time more... accurate? If also diverse among them#They see him like an idiot. They trust him. They think he's childish and annoying. They love him#They find him flippant. They know he cares about them. In a way they see both what Kusakabe and Nanami say about him#The negative. And the ultimate positive aspect at the core of it all. That Gojo did care and that Gojo did take care#and that Gojo risked and sacrificed a lot for them and that Gojo was doing this in great part because of his own past#Yuta perhaps is the one who sees it best but it's so interesting too the dynamic Maki‚ Yuuji and Megumi have with Gojo‚ his acts and antics#And this whole thing‚ this frivolous and even... cruel way most adults seem to regard Gojo and how it clashes with the kids' deep feelings#about him (beyond the initial 'he's an untrustworthy idiot' though those as well!') is super interesting and super sad and super juicy#OR IT COULD BE bc in the end all that happens is that Nanami says that and Gojo pouts comically or that Kusakabe makes that offhand comment#as if it held no weight‚ as if Yuji weren't present and had never agonised over it‚ as if Gojo hadn't lost his life trying to save the kid#And yes he risked more than his life but he was trying to save a kid bc another kid (bc Megumi!) asked. But maybe it didn't matter if no one#asked. He saved Yuta too. Of course he would have risked it all. In his mix of selfishness and selflessness. Everything is so juicy#yet the writing feels so dry and lame. There's no pondering. There's talk of guilt and grief without any true sense of grieving or loss
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I did call Roland my husband for the first time in months, yesterday ... maybe RolEva will have a resurgence, after all.
#I am absolutely more of a Heathcliff girl‚ now‚ but we cannot forget Roland--he was the start of me liking ProjMoon#I just stopped talking about him because of some negative experiences I was having ;;#BUT that is in the past#and I'm working on a toyhouse page for Eva (on and off--I'll finish it‚ eventually)‚ so it has me thinking about them ...#but also I may ship Eva with an OC‚ too--one of my employees got me /lh#r: that's that‚ and this is this 🌇#scattered pages
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Atla live action 😐
#thats my honest reaction 😐#to be fair ive only seen 20 minutes of the s1 finale bc my parents are watching it but. mmmmm kinda mid#like. the casting is definitely an improvement since the last time they tried a live action but it feels like the writing falls flat#or maybe im being harsh bc ive only heard negative criticism on it beforehand. but fr anytime u bring up the original its already#good and not just because its the original. so much fucking detail went into it to the point of someone noticing azula wielding mai's knive#to how well thought out irohs character is used as a way of uniting the cast especially as zukos foil#i heard that sokkas sexism was toned down and i have to agree that feels like a cheap move. like i get WHY they think it would be better#but its not about how that reflects on real world its about how it affects the story. sokka starts out as a misogynistic asshole because#it makes it that much more impactful when he changes. toning that down makes it flatter and makes his character development weak#and someone pointed out they didnt even make him wear the kyoshi warrior uniform and i know it feels like such a small detail but#come on man. they did that in the original because not only does it help him really walk in their shoes - wearing 'feminine' clothing and#makeup and having suki explain its significance but it also ties in with the shows theme of harmony and intersectionality#i was also disappointed when they had the fire sages explain how the water tribe draws power from the moon because in the original it was#IROH who explained it to aang and everyone else BECAUSE we as the audience is under the impression hes with the 'bad guys'#and it builds up to how he learned from the other nations which reconciles his past as a war general and his character overall#AND its an excellent starting point for the cast and audience to understand how the nations arent as closed off as you would think#plus you would think its only fire nation doing propaganda but they expanded on that with earth kingdom censorship and it WORKS#a lot of things in the live action also feel arbitrary like. they gave momo a near death experience for 5 minutes for no reason#im firmly on the stance of bringing back filler moments instead of putting major events right after each other so that u give your#audience a sense of time passing and to really absorb the story. but i think thats more like shock value than filler and yeah its a small#thing to gripe about but those things build up and its really annoying. the thing abt avatar filler moments is that however small#its at least meaningful. hell even the beach episode emphasizes how isolated zuko and his friends are as child soldiers#i also swore to never watch the first live action since it was that bad but i really liked the stylized tattoos they used for aang#anyway. those arejust my thoughts. im not gonna watch the rest because im a ride or die for the original aftr growing up and#rewatching it at least 20 times as a kid. but theres definitely room for improvement and i wish ppl wouldnt take it as 'better' just cuz#netflix is adapting it. i wouldve killed for them to just reanimate the entire avatar series and touch NOTHING ELSE no redub#no changes to the story. just reanimate the thing and leave the rest alone and youd make easy money just the same#ALSO its very jarring not hearing jack desena and dante basco voicing sokka and zuko cause their voices were the most recognizable to me#i get that its because its live action but im allowed to feel a little sad abt that. and uncle irohs accent was really soothing#yapping
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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.
#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it#asmr#audio roleplay#rp audio stuff#redacted audio#anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud#and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators#but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it#which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium#like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform#and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication#and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements#like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh#tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that#and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno#i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it#bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it#this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable#but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself#feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything#who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl#anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now#actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon#u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.
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I'm trying so hard not to be a hater but the more I learn about other ttrpgs the more the way that people talk about dnd annoys me
#'it's great because of how versatile it is! You can play it however you want!'#this is true of every tabletop rpg#you are making up a game with your friends of course you can do whatever you want#if you're playing dnd by ignoring over half the rules then the rules are probably over-bloated for the kind of game you're trying to play#the fact that you are having fun is a testament to your group being good sports and roleplayers/having a good gm#it doesn't mean that dnd is particularly well designed for your group#and also dnd (even 5e) is not especially beginner friendly and its shitty corporate overlords want you to pay at least $150 to play it#but it's so entrenched in our culture and rhe community has put so much effort into making it as accessible as possible regardless#that it's so hard to get people to look past it#i promise you that whatever game you want to play whether it's social intrigue or combat or dungeon crawling in whatever genre you want#somebody has made it#and somebody has also made amazing games that you never could've imagined needing but maybe they're just right for you#I'm not saying dnd is poorly designed like there's obviously a lot of good things about the huge scope of 5e and its experience#if you like using all of those systems or having them on hand in case they come up in play that is so awesome#I'm glad you found the game for you#but it isn't the game for everyone! and acting like it is funnels more money and cultural capital into the hand of wotc#when we could be supporting small publishers and indie creators making sick niche shit#y'all heard about bluebeard's bride? you play as bluebeard's new wife wandering through the rooms of his house#just the one bride. the different players play different aspects of her personality and can get into arguments about what to do next#isn't that wild and cool?#okay rant over#a podcast man made me upset through no fault of his own#and i had to get it out of my system#my rambles#negative/#tma#d/nd#ttr/pgs#i have no idea if that tag thing actually works or if tumblr users made it up#i never want to put negative posts in main tags man. I'm not a monster
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with any oc. if you're not going to give them the effort of reading all their headcanons and backstory or the like. the least you can do is read their basic stats. i don't mind helping people with cat's long ass backstory and intricate details.
but when people have no idea her basic stats then it just feels demeaning tbh.
#just thinking about how in the past#i have had people just. not know basic shit#due to previous fcs even i've had people#not even know i was an oc#i had people follow me and make me starters as a KITTY PRYDE#due to my very first fc#like all you needed to do was GLANCE at my blog to know i was an oc#give ocs or ANY BLOG the decency to read basic stats#you have no idea if they're canon divergent or the like#stop making assumptions about characters or#trying to lump them into what you want#respect your rp partners everyone#....this rant is for NO reason other than passed experiences lol#like from a ways ago#there's a reason i don't follow others first anymore (:#&&. to be deleted#negative //#sort of but will tag just in case#vent //
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It's a little funny. I spend so much time compartmentalizing that I convince myself I'm totally fine, of course, all the time.
But when I was filling out the questionnaire before my therapy appointment yesterday, it was like
.... OK yea maybe I have some problems
Also this one 😂😂😂
#speculation nation#it's ok i am now in therapy and we have weekly appointments set up#i havent always had the best experiences with therapy. and by that i mean it has never really been helpful to me#mostly tho bc it's been depression therapists. and i dont actually have depression.#what i DO have is trauma! and barely managed adhd and fibromyalgia.#and especially grief trauma in the past 5 years. oh God do i have grief trauma.#but i searched Specifically for a grief therapist with this. so she should be equipped to properly help me.#ive managed to reach an okay place regarding my old traumas. but this stuff. man it's hard.#i pushed myself to a near panic attack the other day upon realizing the painting i have is an authentic lithograph#& the realization that i am carrying the mantle of several generations of my family now.#most of the generations above me are now dead. so it's up to us to carry on their memories#and i am The One who is unapologetically incredibly tacky. up to me to carry that legacy.#it's pressure. weight that i didnt want. but i dont want to ignore it bc i dont want them to be forgotten.#so im hoping that with therapy. she can help me sort things out so it's less... difficult.#help me remember them without being paralyzed with panic and dread.#and maybe help me with my death paranoia...? 😅 i dont like feeling like anyone in my life could die at any time.#inevitable after my uncle died with only a month's warning and my dad died with barely more than a day's warning.#idk. for someone whose will to live comes from the people i love. it's rather paralyzing.#just gotta cling to the people i have left. and hold them dear.#negative/#kinda but not really. tagging just in case considering the subject matter.#idk im just trying to sort things out. no one goes through this many sudden deaths without a severe complex over it.#but. im in therapy now. and im trying. i am.
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in the most concrete way yet I feel like I’m getting a handle on what my flaws and weaknesses actually are lol.
#self-absorption poor impulse control an addictive personality#fiercely independent/sensitive/proud past the point of reason#anyway it feels like a real breakthrough honestly#because I’ve always known that there was stuff wrong but only in a dim sense#and this is a slow-gathering clearer picture#because the problem is that flaws don’t feel like flaws at first (so obvious I know)#my impulse can feel like inspiration! a wave of emotion always feels good! I have a rich internal life there’s a lot to think about#with regards to myself#but actually those all can be such negative and hurtful traits.#also it kills my pride to know that the people who love me already know these Lol#because they’re the ones who have to live with them!! And who are affected by them!#anyway the self-absorption one especially. I feel like there’s been so much to work through and figure out this past year#that made me turn inward more#and some of it was necessary#but I’m so aware of how much I want to get out of that space. and truly be open to other people and experiences and the world#in a way that is not just filtered through my internal journey#anyway anyway (a final thought) the pattern of my 20’s has been either self-absorption or complete absorption into the one or two things#that I/my anxiety allowed into the space of my heart and mind#as a kind of counter to the teenage state which was just information pouring in from all sides#but I would like to be able to reopen some of those informational floodgates so to speak. and let stuff in in a real and balanced way#because I don’t think I’m going to drown or be swept away in it (I am so scared of losing my identity in a sea of information)#one of my root fears! but it’s like. No. Bones not made of glass etc. etc. so you can start to think about yourself less#you SHOULD#anyway thank you for listening. there have been some very good (self) revelations lately <3#painful ones! but good
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i think i'm Like This™ bc i've already been on the receiving end of a "well-meant" "hey uh... your takes are Too Problematic for this community... people have expressed concerns that you have Bad Opinions about sexual assault because you enjoy it in fiction" "intervention" in a different fandom, and if i'm completely honest, i'd rather everyone unfollow & block me right now immediately for being Too Annoying than ever make a post about me going "um... yikes!" as tho they're morally superior to me in any way because i said smth that is Uncomfortable To Them abt how i like sexual assault in my fantasy fiction. i am saying If You Don't Like That Person, You Won't Like Me, Do Us Both A Favor And Block Me Already so i never have to see you make a post accusing me of being [morally incorrect abt sensitive topic] bc that? is smth up with which i will not fucking put.
#mine#like i know it's not rlly my fucking job to white knight for anyone else even if it seems like that's what i'm doing#but overall i'm just trying to make it EXTREMELY CLEAR that in MY SPACE i expect people to act a certain way#& be As Annoying As Possible abt that so there is literally no way ppl can be like 'whoa we didn't REALIZE you were a Bad Person' later on#haha anyways maybe it turns out i still have more negative feelings abt my past experiences than i thought i did lol#but also it's extremely frustrating to see 'we don't want to stop ppl from saying things we just them to not say bad things' like.#your 'bad things' are not universal but your willingness to bully might be!
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okay but I am genuinely so unwell about numbers and dates and ages and time and years etc. so I'm blaming all my bad luck on the number 23
#got so paranoid about it that i didn't talk to anyone for the last few weeks and i haven't applied for a job and i'm honestly not doing#anything until i'm safely 24#idk what 24's gonna be like but it's got a 4 in it so that's a good sign#but then again 14 had a 4 in it and that was a terrible age#but tbf it was a 4 + a 10 which is like. my fav number and my least fav number. so the year just malfunctioned#first 6 months good second 6 months bad#so 24 can fit two 10s but they're not as obvious. but it's a multiple of 4 so i trust it a bit more#4 x 6. idk my feelings on 6 but it's never really done anything too bad to me so yeah. 24 is the safe zone#i blame everything on the number 23 and also my friend's awful ex girlfriend#OKAY SO LIKE i was reading coronation street youtube comments the other day#and people were talking about how characters like terry duckworth and mike baldwin were kind of prats before but then they#had some significantly bad experience and after that they became Absolute prats#like basically what caused their villain origin stories#and i was like oh my god am i gonna turn out like them?? is my friend's ex girlfriend responsible for my villain arc??#and i have felt myself becoming more negative and unhappy and cynical and bitter over the past few months#and i was like fuckkkkkk no i can't enter my mike baldwin terry duckworth era#bc before whenever a remotely bad thing happened i would just disappear and go back to telling myself there is nothing good with the world#so like for every job i never got and for every time i put something in the group chat and no one replied and every time i made something#and no one cared about it i would just sink deeper into some hole of hatred at the world#i mean. the rsd. like I'd still react to stuff in that way when i was younger and happier but at least back then I'd also#wave at cool clouds and smile at people in public and be like ''fuck i woke up too early and now i Have to take a photo of the sunrise''#but now i don't do any of that I'm just some bitter cynical bitch who hates everything#so yeah. my 2024 resolution was to reclaim the whimsy i lost at the end of 2022. and so far it's not really going well but at least I'm not#23 anymore#ramble
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woke up feeling salty
#ooc tbd.#I just don’t think we can have the female oc convo without also including nb muses getting put in the back burner for cis male muses too#bc I have had that unfortunate experience for fucking#six years now?#I have fought so hard for every bit of traction I’ve gained and it has barely added up#I’m so grateful to the people who’ve given me a chance and have stuck around#but it’s not the amount of people that would have if io wasn’t so explicitly NOT a man#the times that I DID have more attention interest was when I tried to be more lax about pronouns and shit#and that was miserable#how can you look at me exclusively using they then pronouns every day all day for every response#and still willfully misgender my muse#and every time I’ve made a point of going out of my way#to point at io with a neon sign that says NOT A FUCKING MAN followers would drop like flies#so I think I have every right to be salty about this#negative tw#misgendering tw#I’ve made a lot of mistakes with them in the past and was a pushover#and I’m happy where I’m at now#bc their gender is respected#but god I still think about my experiences here a lot#and I try not to be salty I really do but.#and I’ve written female ocs too I’m not trying to belittle that conversation I just think that nonbinary and trans muses need included#in that convo too#or should be talked about the same way
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