#*drops this and heads to bed*

[edengrown]

basic information: pamela travers

info under the cut

NAME. pamela lyndon travers AGE. appears to be 24, is actually 91 GENDER. female ALIASES. p.l. , mary poppins AFFILIATIONS. former coven, unaffiliated ABILITY. none the great exception ➢ an "ability" that seemingly allows pamela to do a seemingly endless assortment of parlor magic tricks ( flying with an umbrella, teleporting to wherever she thinks of, giving life to inanimate objects, bottomless carpet bag, etc. ) ➢ while she claims her magic to just be an ability, pamela's magic is genuinely real magic ( similar to how lovecraft's "ability" isn't actually an ability ) ➢ this means that pamela is capable of performing other forms of magic with enough practice and knowledge of the spell / magic used OTHER INFO. ➢ both of pamela's arms are prosthetics. she uses her magic to control them as if they were her own flesh and blood. she lost them during an attack against her old coven when she was barely an adult. ➢ as an unaffiliated witch, pamela spends her time performing odd jobs both magical and mundane in order to make ends meet. she's currently making a decent amount of money as a nanny for hire. ➢ while she has full use of her magic abilities, pamela would rather do things with her own skills instead of relying on magic. this has resulted in her becoming a jack of all trades as she has learned to be less magic dependent. she will still use magic when needed, however.

[anto-pops]

Playing With Fire - Sebastian Sallow x Female!Reader

Summary: “Maybe we should forget about waiting for the wedding. Maybe I should plant my seed early. Right here,” his rough, possessive fingers pressed down harder, making you quake violently. “That way everyone will know who you belong to.” 

Alternatively summarized as you try getting Sebastian's undivided attention by making him jealous, but he doesn't take too kindly to your methods...

Word Count: 3.5k

Warnings: 18+, aged up characters, Auror!Sebastian Sallow, Unspeakable!MC, explicit sexual content, possessive behavior, breeding kink, rough sex, voyeurism

Ahem... whatever this is, it's up on Ao3

There was no mistaking the murderous glint in Sebastian’s eyes as he dragged you through the hallway towards his office. Some Ministry workers stared, their eyes wide with alarm as the Auror manhandled you along behind him. Others whispered, because it wasn’t everyday that an Unspeakable such as yourself found themselves being bullied so brazenly. Everyone could see clear as day that something was going on between the two of you. 

But no one dared to move. No one wanted to risk piercing the suffocating silence that emanated from Sebastian. His pounding footsteps were louder than any verbal form of fury, anyway. 

It didn’t surprise you that he was acting like this. What he had seen you and your colleague discussing was important; top secret, official Ministry business that you were sworn to keep secret. Any information pertaining to the Veil in the Death Chamber was strictly prohibited from being reiterated outside of the Department of Mysteries. So when your fiancé had walked into the main hall of your workplace and spotted you and a coworker hunched over a table together– shoulder to shoulder and murmuring in low voices– of course his first reaction had been to get territorial. 

This was Sebastian Sallow, after all. He had never been the sharing sort, especially not when it came to you.  

You and your colleague clamming up upon his arrival probably hadn’t helped you look any less guilty, but that was what you’d been counting on. Besides, what choice did you have? The topic of discussion was classified. Your fiancé of six months knew that you weren’t at liberty to discuss your work– not like he could as an Auror. 

Still, that hadn’t stopped him from wordlessly yanking you away from your poor, terrified associate. Sebastian hadn’t made a noise the entire time he hauled you behind him through the Ministry towards the Auror offices. 

The door plaque with his name on it glinted mockingly as the man shoved it open, pulling you inside quickly before shutting it with a resounding boom. Before you could so much as blink, Sebastian had you shoved against his desk, pulling a gasp from your throat and sending a litany of parchment and other trinkets clattering to the ground. He didn’t so much as glance at the mess. 

No, he was too busy glaring at you as he peeled his coat from his shoulders. The attire was thrown harshly atop a small, cushiony chair in the corner of the room as if it had offended him somehow, but you couldn’t bring yourself to say anything about it. You were too busy analyzing the fire blazing in his dark, penetrating eyes. You had lit it, and you were now faced with taking the brunt of the heat. 

“What the hell was that?” Sebastian’s voice was gruff when he finally spoke, leaning forward to pin your hips to the desk with his own. “Since when did Unspeakables work so closely together with one another?”

“Sebastian, it was nothing. We were just discussing our findings–”

His face ducked lower so it was directly beside your ear, his warm breath fanning across your skin as his fingers dug into the curve of your waist. “Does ‘discussing findings’ have to be done in another man’s lap, or did I miss that addendum in my letter of employment? You were practically inside of him.” 

You inhaled sharply when Sebastian’s blunt nails raked up your sides, pulling your tucked shirt out of your skirt. “It was just work. You know I can’t talk about it with you–” 

“Maybe you should,” he growled, pulling back to grip your chin and force you to look at him. “Maybe I need to know what warrants such familiarity amongst Unspeakables. Did you want me to catch you like that? Were you secretly hoping that I would walk in and find you cozying up to some random man that wasn’t me?”

“No! Of course not– you’re blowing this out of proportion!” 

“Am I?” He leaned down again, brushing his lips against your jaw before his mouth curved up into a wicked smile. “I’m your fiancé. I’m the one you said yes to when I asked you to marry me. I’m the only man you should ever let get that close to you. Or do you not agree?” 

“Of course I agree, but I can’t help what happens when I’m at work–” 

Your excuses were silenced by Sebastian’s teeth suddenly clamping down on your earlobe, a startled hiss bursting from you before you could stop it. “Liar,” he whispered. “There’s this thing called professionalism. You could tell your colleague,” he spat the word venomously, his grip on your waist tightening, “that it’s inappropriate to discuss your findings so close together. You could remind the oaf that you’re engaged– that he doesn’t stand a chance with you, and that he should quit while he’s ahead.” 

Sebastian shifted his hips back and gave himself space to begin undoing the buttons of your blouse, his hands moving startlingly fast over the clasps. You hardly had the time nor the ability to stop him– not with how turned on you found yourself becoming. Some might say the man you were in love with was overbearing and possessive, and they would be right… but those facets of Sebastian’s character were parts of him that you relished in. 

Which was exactly why you had made sure to set the scene he had walked in on perfectly. 

You’d known your fiancé was coming to pick you up for your lunch break since he had been so busy with work recently. He had promised you last night that he would make his recent absence up to you at the first opportunity, but a lunch date wasn’t exactly what you’d had in mind. You had been hoping for this exact scenario the moment the two of you made it home in the evening. 

Sebastian forgoing waiting and dragging you to his office, though? That hadn’t been expected. He wasn’t even going to bother with waiting to stake his claim on you. 

And despite your nosy, fellow employees lurking around outside the door, you liked that he wasn’t waiting. A lot. 

You glanced down at your chest once Sebastian had yanked your blouse over your shoulders, discarding the attire over his shoulder roughly. He ripped your brassiere away next, instantly kneading one of your breasts in his large hand with dizzying possession. “Look at me,” he hissed, the authority in his voice compelling you to listen. Through your lashes, you could see the heady flush creeping across his cheeks as he stared down at you, his ruddy skin a byproduct of lust and rage. “Say it. Tell me who you belong to.” 

You didn’t hesitate for a second before whispering, “You, Sebastian…” 

Your voice trembled meekly, your eyes fixed on his as you tried to play innocent in the face of his wrath. But he saw right through your ruse– he always did. 

“Tell me the truth, darling.” Sebastian demanded, his tone smokey and icy all at once. “You knew what you were doing back there, didn’t you?” 

That devilish smirk reserved solely for you appeared on his face– the one that promised ruin and domination. He knew you had planned for this. He was well aware that you had been upset with him for prioritizing work for the last two weeks. You had told him as much time and time again, but there was little either one of you could do about it. The Ministry demanded much from its two prize workers; when duty called, you both answered at the drop of a hat. It was an unfortunate side-effect of being the Hero of Hogwarts and the youngest Auror to ever be assigned his own team. 

Sebastian knew you as well as you knew him. He could read you like a book– was intimately familiar with the way your brain worked. Your shoddy attempt at appearing demure wouldn’t work on him. 

His impatience was made palpable when he pinched the peak of your breast between his index finger and thumb, wringing a whine from your throat that you struggled to keep quiet. “Y-Yes,” you finally answered, your voice catching. “Yes, I knew what I was doing.” 

“You like to play dangerous games, darling. Is this what you wanted? You wanted me pissed enough to ruin you here with all these people around?” 

No. You had hoped for your bold actions to result in Sebastian stewing in jealousy for the entire day, then driving him to ignore his office at home to give you some attention. The plan had been for this exact situation to transpire in the comfort of your own house. Not here. Not while the two of you were at work. “Not… exactly…” you croaked. 

He chuckled darkly, releasing your breast and your waist to free his cock from the confines of his trousers. The full length of him was already at play– the tip leaking violently and bulging veins conveying his excitement well enough. He reached up to shove at your shoulder, guiding you back against the desk quickly and mercilessly, “Yeah, I’m sure you thought you had it all figured out, huh? Too bad I can guess every move of yours before you make it.” 

His cock glistened in the office light as he gathered the fabric of your skirt into a messy heap below your navel, holding it there as he slapped his length against your wet folds. “So don’t argue with me when I give you exactly what you wanted, darling.” 

The blunt head pressed against your dripping entrance, the pressure driving your heart into your throat as you stared up at Sebastian with wide eyes. He flashed you another sinful smirk before shifting forward, driving the entirety of his length inside of you in one fluid motion. 

You gasped– no, cried his name as he breached you. It was so sudden. So deep, so thick, so overwhelming, that your eyes rolled into the back of your head as you struggled to adjust to the abrupt intrusion. The sound of your voice would likely carry. The people milling about outside of Sebastian’s office could probably hear you, and maybe some of them were even listening in considering the spectacle they had witnessed leading up to this moment. 

But you didn’t care. You couldn’t care. All you could focus on was the feeling of his cock stretching you open after two long weeks of forced celibacy, and you loved it. 

Your walls fluttered and clamped down on him, wringing a groan from Sebatian’s throat that intermingled with your panted breathing. “So tight…” he groaned, hunching over you as he planted both of his hands on either side of your waist. “You like this, don’t you, love? Making me watch you fawn over some other bloke just so you could end up under me, stuffed full of my cock?” 

Your eyes were half-lidded when you met his unwavering stare, your lips parted around shaky exhales and soft mewls. Then you nodded, no longer interested in trying to uphold your innocent facade. “Yes…” 

Sebastian’s eyes flashed, and then he was straightening his spine so he could lend his full strength to his movements. The first jerk of his hips had his cock punching into you so roughly that you cried out again, and you felt his nails bite into your skin in response to the sound. “No one could ever have you like this,” he grunted in-between thrusts, raking his fingers down your sides and leaving angry, red welts in their wake. “No one could ever fuck you the way I do. Isn’t that right? Tell me.” 

“Yes,” you gasped, your back arching off the desk when you felt him plant his thumb against your clit, circling the nub rapidly as he pounded into you. “Only you– there’s only you, Sebastian.” 

“Damn right there’s only me,” he echoed wickedly, his lust-dark eyes narrowing at you as he watched you writhe around atop the wood. Pleased with your confession, he angled his hips just so, aiming for the area inside of you that he never failed to find with stunning proficiency. It didn’t take long– barely half a second– and then your body began to tremble in response to his assault on that magic spot. The head of his cock kissed against it over and over, and coupled with his unrelenting attention on your bundle of nerves, you felt tension take root deep in your gut. “You’re mine, darling. There’s a band on your finger that proves it.” 

Your moans turned high-pitched, and your fingers dug into the wood of the desk as you desperately tried to ground yourself. “S-Sebastian– fuck– I can’t–”

The lone hand on your waist shifted so it was splayed across your lower stomach. Sebastian grinned maniacally as he applied a careful amount of pressure there, forcing you to feel every inch of his cock as he hammered into your cunt with feral intention. It knocked the air clean from your lungs– your breathless gasps of his name suddenly quiet enough that you knew he was the only one who could hear them. 

“Maybe we should forget about waiting for the wedding. Maybe I should plant my seed early. Right here,” his rough, possessive fingers pressed down harder, making you quake violently. “That way everyone will know who you belong to.” 

Fuck– it was too much. His dirty, shameless talking, the brutal thrusts against the deepest parts of you, his thumb moving ceaselessly over your clit. It was overwhelming– all of it threatening to send you careening over the edge even though you didn’t want a second of the euphoria to end. 

Sebastian’s nails dug into your skin– right above where he knew your womb was– branding you with crescent shaped imprints that made your stomach lurch with arousal. You weren’t walking out of here without marks, that was for certain. Markings from the man you were set to marry would litter your flesh for days to come, and that thought made the tension in your gut amplify tenfold. 

“S-Sebastian,” you whimpered, lifting a shaky hand to grasp the one he had splayed against your stomach. “I– I love you, I’m sorry– I love you–” 

He groaned when your walls fluttered around his cock. It was as though your body was trying to swallow him deeper– sucking him in further as you neared your blissful precipice. “You can’t do that anymore, darling,” he leaned down, capturing your lips with his briefly before biting down on your bottom lip. “No more taunting me like that. No more.” 

You nodded helplessly beneath him as he rammed his hips into you for emphasis, tears of pent-up pleasure quickly welling in your eyes. “I won’t. I promise, I won’t– please, I’m so close–”

Sebastian’s thumb pressed harder against your clit, circling the nub too fast and too firmly for you to think straight. Your legs kicked out on either side of him at the overstimulation, your voice falling off into a sharp, strung out sob as you continued to plead brainlessly. 

“Please, Gods, please–” 

His lips were directly against your ear when he growled, “Go on, love. Come for me. I want you drooling and crying– too full of me to even fucking walk.” 

Sebastian never relented as you crept closer to the brink. His thrusts turned brutish, faster, and more unforgiving as he furiously worked his thumb over your bundle of nerves. The animalistic grunts he let loose were laced with a tangible hunger that finally caused the knot in your stomach to snap. 

And it snapped hard. 

All at once, your body seized. Your back arched off the desk and pressed against his chest, a ragged moan ripping from your throat and echoing throughout the room so loudly that it left little room for interpretation to any listeners outside. Your walls clamped down on his cock like a vice– your cunt milking his length as though it never wanted to let him go. Your fluids soaked his trousers as your thighs trembled, wave after wave of pleasure washing over you and leaving you a boneless, twitching mass atop the desk. It was utter rapture. 

But Sebastian didn’t stop. 

“So fucking perfect,” he growled, his breath hot against your cheek before he stood straight again. “But I’m not done yet.” 

His ferocious pace never wavered as he resumed his earlier upright position; one hand on your stomach and the other maddeningly focused on your clit. Sebastian kept pounding into you, letting you ride out your climax while forcing your body into another, knocking the wind from you with such fervor that it bordered on cruel. Your hips twitched in a feeble attempt to escape the overstimulation, but the hand on your lower midriff kept you firmly in place. 

“S-Sebastian, wait,” you whined, squeezing your eyes shut against the persisting pleasure he bestowed upon you. “I-It’s too much–” 

“You’ll be fine. You wanted this, remember?” He slammed into you again, laughing breathily when you dug your nails into the top of his hand. “I’m just giving you what you indirectly asked for, darling.” 

Merlin– you had bitten off way more than you could chew. 

You sobbed, the sound laced with both pain and pleasure as your body went limp beneath him. Overly sensitive. Helpless. He was going to make you regret goading him into such a frenzy. 

The sordid sound of Sebastian’s hips slapping against your wet cunt was sloppy. His finger moved in every direction over your clit, the slickness covering every inch of your lower half making the pad of his thumb slide all too easily around the nub. Every time he made direct contact with it, you jolted. Senseless noises fell from your lips as you were brought to orgasm once again, more evidence of your arousal gushing around Sebastian’s cock and staining his clothes, but he hardly paid it any mind. 

Evidently he had more pressing matters to focus on.

His head tipped forward, a guttural moan tearing from his throat and reverberating through you as he endured your walls tightening around him. It was like nothing could throw him off, his tempo withstanding the feeling of your body sucking him in greedily, the force of his thrusts causing your shoulder blades to scrape against the wood of the desk. Mussed strands of his hair fell into his eyes when he looked back at you, his pupils blown wide, and his lips parted around a telling gasp of your name. 

After what seemed like an eternity of brutal overstimulation, Sebastian slammed home deep before finally stilling. He buried himself in your cunt all the way to the hilt as he panted hard, pressing down against your stomach with enough force that you groaned– and you were certain he could feel himself emptying his load inside of you. At least, you certainly could. The hot spurts of his seed scorched you all the way to your core before it started to seep out and drip onto the floor. The sound of it escaping your ravaged center prompted Sebastian to grind against you– trapping his oozing spend in your body with his own. 

How the hell were you supposed to go back to work after this? 

The feeling of his fingers ghosting over your cheekbone pulled your heavy eyelids apart, and you were met with your fiancé drinking in the sight of your fucked-out expression with sinful male satisfaction etched across his face. His gaze flicked down towards your left hand, and he gingerly lifted it towards his lips to kiss the diamond studded gold band around your ring finger. All you could bring yourself to do was hum questioningly, your mind still too frazzled to form a proper sentence. 

“I think we need to recall the wedding invitations we sent out…” 

That snapped you out of your post-coital stupor quicker than a lightning strike. What did he mean, recall? 

Surely he wasn’t implying he wanted to cancel it. 

Had you fucked up worse than you’d imagined by taunting him? Was he calling off the wedding? Had your selfish urge to get his attention ruined your future with him before it had even started? Your eyes went wider than saucers, and your voice was tight when you croaked, “What? Why?” 

Sebastian’s grin was equal parts reassuring and terrifying. He ground his still-solid cock into you again to wring a strangled gasp from you, the squelching sound making you flush from the top of your head all the way to the tips of your toes. “Because I don’t think I want to wait until spring anymore. The sooner I can make you mine, the sooner I can spend all of my spare time trying to fuck a baby into you. That is, if I haven’t already… that would really keep other men away, wouldn’t it?” 

You glanced down to where his pulsing length was still sheathed in your cunt– its unwavering hardness a testament to how Sebastian was nowhere near finished with you. He pulled back before ramming his hips against you again, forcing a startled, pleasure-induced yelp from your throat. When you looked back up at him, you found that the fire in his eyes from earlier was burning brighter than ever, inextinguishable in its intensity. 

Oh, gods. You’d really done it now. 

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

Fun fact: the previous doodle i did i intended for him to be holding a sword but then it got in the way of like the rest of the drawing so i decided to go without one which makes it looks like he’s reaching for something that isn’t there and that lead to these visuals

[buttercupshands]

the ray of sunshine and his turned evil nerds

a little doodle while sketching this thingy

my love for those three is overwhelminggggg

[fawntastic]

Fanart for @phyrrathefirst, their mercycris is EVERYTHING to me

[lysaisland]

himiko who loves the way you let her indulge. she’ll find ways to curl around you, trace kisses into your skin, and delicately play with your hair any chance she gets. the way you amusedly smile at her has her melting into you all the more.

spontaneously, she’ll buy you all your favourite cakes and desserts, just to satiate her desire to see your delighted face. if only she could plaster that sight onto every wall in the world, she would do it without a doubt. unfortunately, she knows her limits, so she’ll just have to stick with her lock screen.

she picks up the same hobbies as you, date nights in your room, to hear your elated voice fill out the space. you could talk for days, or throw her into every hobby in the world, and she still wouldn’t get bored with you around.

with tangled legs, she’ll bask in the way you nip at her jaw, and bury your head into her blonde hair. you’re warm, so deliciously warm. she’ll say something silly just to hear you giggle and shut her up with a kiss. because, as much as she likes to lose herself in you, she revels in the fact that you do the same.

[justaz]

thinking about arthur who has crazy quick reflexes and is a relatively light sleeper who woke up to the sound of someone in his room and saw merlin crouched down messing with his keys before softly asking “whatre you doing?…before breakfast?”

[megasocky]

I kept thinking abt the pain au chocolat image

[theriverbeyond]

i feel like in the cosplay community everyone is always working on a New Project. but idk. i like my cosplays. i don't have any desire to dress up as anyone but the characters I already have cosplays for. what if i don't have a new project. what if i don't want one.

[king-candybug-backup]

Currently obsessing over the idea of an 80s Boyfriends animatic with the "You'll Be Back" song, like I can see it so freaking well with all of Turbo's different forms as the song progresses, like-- "You say our love is draining and you can't go on, you'll be the one complaining when I am gone" HELLO???????? AND THE "ROYAL SUBJECT" PART?????????? THE "LOVE YOU TILL MY DYING DAYS, KILL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY ETC." PART AS A CY-BUG???????????????? SEND HELP PLEASE I'M LOSING MY MIND

[sunb0ts]

screen time I (Adult man) set for myself redirects sites to monitor bed kitty by the way. ok goodnight guys :]

[thevaudevillescene]

A couple of months ago I’d ordered a pizza, and as i was passing the signed credit card receipt over to the delivery person, i dropped the pen and went, “Oh, no.” I don’t know WHAT Sushi thought was happening, but all of a sudden she rushed in from out of nowhere, darted in between my legs and got into the most threatening stance she could manage between me and the delivery person. They were reaching to pick up the pen and they fell back, and i was like, “jesus. I’m sorry, she won’t hurt you, she’s just weird. Sushi, back up.” After they’d left and i closed the door, i was like, “girl, what the hell was that” and you could just tell by her face that she’d never felt more proud of herself.

^ THIS thing thinks she is a dangerous apex predator. My baby, your brain is a single marble rolling back and forth.

[fractempyreal]

' oh, i totally did tell her about it. she's so cool about it don't even worry about that. ' ( he lied, badly ) @destructivourr

❛ . . . You are aware that your fibs haven't gotten all that much better throughout the years , right ? ❜

[ovrrdogg]

HUMAN NONEXISTY 🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 /j /j /j /j /j /heavyj

/srs request:

blood drop from myTeardrop, fav outfit / costume (technically BFDI since it's a BFDI character but red with some wings)

Blood Drop

[im-still-a-robot]

AH.

[atramenting]

woke up, had an introspective half hour in which i thought about how my mother tried so hard to stomp my identity out of me, and how she played a direct part in cultivating my self-loathing over everything from my weight to other aspects of my appearance, from my skintone to my eyebrows to the size of my hands and feet.

when i was younger, despite desperately wanting to be a boy, anything masc about me made me hate myself. anything fem ALSO made me hate myself, because it was all "wrong" -- either because it felt that way to me, or because of how my mother acted about it. she would force perm my hair - badly - because she didn't want me to have thick, wavy dark hair. she wanted me to have her perfect thin and bouncy blonde curly hair, otherwise i wasn't "pretty" enough. she would force me to wear earrings - but never the kind i liked. little plastic bright red things so people could see I Was Female even when she'd buzzed off all my hair (the one part of myself that i loved) instead of taking the time to comb the lice out. she would force me to wear makeup to school recitals and stuff - but never would it look good. she'd cake my face in the tones she wore, which were a few shades too dark/tan, use bright red lipstick, line my eyes with blotchy pencil, and if i begged her not to put it on me, she would scream and call me names and hit me and threaten to kill herself.

she would force me to wear "women's clothing" - except she would spend all her money on beer, cigarettes, and other drugs, so all my clothes came from the extended families of whatever boyfriend she had at the time. hand me downs that never quite fit, you know, and her favorites were always the gaudy blouses that only old ladies would wear to church. she'd pick the ugliest ones with lace ruffles and pearl buttons even if they fit me terribly, and i'd be forced to school in them. ill-fitting pants, tits spilling out of my too-small bras (which she also made a point to make fun of, even though i was eleven or twelve), ugly grandma blouses, poorly done makeup jobs in the style from when she was a teenager, and all my hair buzzed off so that people could see those hideous bright red earrings.

she told me, when i was in highschool and finally making friends, that if she ever found out i was gay - because my theater kid friends walked me home one time - that i would never be welcome in her home again. and if i did show up, that she would kill me. i never talked to her about my first heartbreak because she threatened my life over it. i never got to open up about the fact that my freshman year was awful because a junior girl liked me, that we made out one night, that she decided she was annoyed by idk the trivia i knew about anime, and so she -- and consequently anyone in the upper three years in that extended friend group -- suddenly refused to speak to me overnight. i stopped eating lunch or spending time anywhere except the library after school. mom should have been worried.

but i lost a little weight so it was good.

i got a job. i started buying my own clothes. i bought my younger brother's school supplies because mom wouldn't. i got kicked out at sixteen and had to live with the family i babysat for because my younger brother called the police one night when she and her boyfriend were having a drunken argument -- one in which a lamp got broken and my brother, shaking and sobbing and terrified, came into my room and woke me up and told me he called the police about 30 seconds before they knocked on my door -- the back door, because my "bedroom" was originally the back porch. the police waited politely when i told them i had to get dressed. my mother never showed me the same respect.

mom and her bf got arrested, and i disappeared from school. the timing was a little fucked, because there was a boy i liked who had asked me to be his gf and it was a few weeks before homecoming. we'd been on a couple of dates, and then i vanished for a week and a half or so before it was considered safe for me to go back to school. when i got back i told him that i wasn't ready to try dating right now, that there was too much going on with things i didn't want to talk about just yet. i didn't dare tell him i was facing homelessness bc my mother was released and told me i had three days to get out of her house. she refused to accept that the scared 9 year old called the police. she thought i had done it. and blamed me for letting the police in. (the police explained that they were going to have to break down the door because of the domestic violence call. like. did she want them to do that in a rental? haha)

anyway, that guy and his friends all also decided to cut me off, so that was great. even though we'd like. not kissed or anything. he could not fathom what could possibly be going on that i wouldn't want to focus on ~high school romance~. (his mother was the school secretary and SHE knew what had happened. she offered me hugs and was so much help over the next couple of years bc she knew i didn't have parents or legal guardians to help with anything. she was the one i talked to any time i had to call out of school, and she never pressed the matter. she was a real saint.)

oh but also it turns out that that guy had major jealousy issues so i kind of dodged a bullet. he and a good friend wound up dating a year or two after graduation and he got intense and scary and emotionally abusive, so. i guess that worked out for me. anyway.

i was alone except for my two good friends after being cut off from anyone else who shared my interests. one was a year ahead of me, and it turns out that she was also not really a great friend, because she was using her friendship with me as a way to craft great stories for her other friends -- from the group that shunned me as a freshman -- about how i was so depressed that i was going to bring a bomb to school, or how i carried knives in my backpack (years before school entry scanners), or blah blah blah blahhhhh i don't even care anymore. she would up stealing my online identity and making accounts on furaffinity and stuff like that with it... which was kind of noticeable as.... she was the only person irl i'd ever shared my online presence with. hahahha. hah

also i did have knives. they were xacto knives from my art teacher, because scratchboards are the greatest fucking stim thing out there. and i always informed/asked my teachers if it was all right to work on art projects after i finished their assigned work, so they all knew i had them. tiny 1 inch blades. working on cute fuckin drawings of foxes and anime boys. so as you can imagine this is actually funny to me in some way, because even though she was being really malicious, all of my teachers loved me and, well, the "knives" were not an issue.

i got a little off topic there. anyway, what i'm saying is, once i managed to break out of my mother's oppressive management of what i should be, i realized that i was never going to be the pretty princess that she wanted me to be, and that i didn't want to be, anyway, because i was a boy and had always wanted to be a boy. i started buying men's clothes and it changed my life. i started hitting the gym and it was incredible. sure, i'm flabby and out of shape right now, but i have faith that if i pull through just a little longer, i'll be able to get whatever's wrong with me fixed, and i'll be able to start going to the gym again.

i learned that eyeliner can really enhance my face, as long as it's not like what mom forced on me. full racoon eyes on guys is hot. i also learned that makeup can help make me look more masculine -- with the proper contouring, that is, and darkening/shaping my eyebrows. (hell. just doing brow filler helps me look better REGARDLESS. thick eyebrows are so in XOXO) my hair is something that people are jealous of -- not something ugly or hideous that needs to be "fixed". it's a giant fucking mane of silver-streaked brown nowadays, and it's incredible, and i love it even if it's really warm and if sometimes my husband rolls onto it and there is hair on everything everywhere at all times and eternally i am SORRY about the shower it just looks like that now.

i learned that women's pants fit me better with how wide my hips have gotten, as men's pants unfortunately are not crafted for The Belly. but i can still pair them with a t-shirt and sandals and look perfectly fine. pants are just pants tbh. it doesn't make me squirm like it used to when i was forced into anything "feminine".

anyway. what i'm saying is like. you didn't win, mom, and i will always loathe you. i feel sorry for you in a way, but i also understand that your unwillingness to do any self-introspection or to work past your own narcissism is your own fuckin fault. you tried to kill who i was time and time again, and then flipped and tried to boo-hoo your fuckin way out of it the moment i had a community that helped raise me up instead of breaking my spine to fit me into that little perfect princess box.

it's a prince box now and i fit in there without having to hurt myself for your gratification.