#Amber Ruane (OC)

[what-if-i-just-did]

Guilt & Revenge: Set Up For Failure

Whumptober, Day 3: Set Up For Failure

Guilt & Revenge Masterlist

Finally, one of these turning out the way I'd planned it. Hope you enjoy, please lmk if you wanna be added to the taglist!

TWs: muzzle & gag, being tied up/immobalized with rope, sort-of failed escape attempt, past torture, threats of torture, captivity

Amber had a muzzle strapped to his face. The muzzle even had a gag, so his mouth was forced open and he couldn’t speak. He had to struggle to even breathe. He was completely immobilized with rope; legs tied to each other and his arms tied to his torso. He wiggled around on the floor like a helpless little worm. It would have been funny, he thought, if it wasn’t for the circumstances. Wiggling on the floor like a helpless worm. 

There were three of them today- everyone except Eileen. That was something, at least. It could have been worse. It had been worse.

Hugo opened the door of his cell, and Amber tried to glare at him, but he didn't even step inside. Instead, he spoke to Amber, before even touching him. “You’re free to go.”, he said.

What??? Was he really? Could he finally leave? Get out? Go home? Why would they do that? Weren’t they afraid he’d go to the police? Amber’s mind was racing a mile a minute. Surely this was a trick. It had to be. But he hoped to high heaven it wasn’t. He just wanted out.

“All you have to do is walk out of your cell, and we’ll let you.” 

For a second it seemed unreal. Just walk out and he’d be free? But as he moved to do just that, his hope sank into fear. He was tied up. Of course.

Of course it wouldn’t be that easy. Amber tried to wiggle himself to the door. Maybe, if he could just get out of the cell, maybe that would count. Maybe that would be enough.

He could feel Mercedes and Paul’s disapproving glares. He wished he could glare back, or bite out an insult at them, but he was too busy trying to wiggle himself to freedom. And the wiggling hurt- it was aggravating all his injuries. And fuck… he was so tired. He kept trying, regardless.

“What, don’t you want to leave?”, Hugo taunted, “You know what we’ll do to you if you stay, right? We’ll keep torturing you. Like you did to us.” 

Amber wanted to roll his eyes. He never did anything like this. Yeah, stealing lunches, pulling pigtails, and pushing kids into mud wasn’t very nice of him, and he regretted it, but this was extreme. They had just been kids. 

He inhaled sharply when he wiggled in a way that tore open a scab. Fuck. Shit. Agh.

He wasn’t getting any CLOSER. He was causing himself extra pain and it wasn’t getting him any closer to leaving! FUCK!

He wanted to cry out of sheer desperation, but he couldn’t bring himself to give up yet. He had to get out. Even as he could feel the weight of disapproval in the room, the taunts from Hugo landing like physical blows to his resolve.

“We’ll whip you again. Electrocute you. Choke you. All you gotta do is leave, and you can avoid it. What’s wrong? Don’t wanna leave? Do you like being hurt?”

The rocking of the boat was disorienting, and the unsteadiness only increased Amber’s desperation. He wanted off, he wanted out, he wanted to LEAVE. He tried to time his wiggles better along with the soft sway of the boat, but he struggled. Most of his wiggles were badly timed, and accomplished absolutely nothing. The drool in his mouth leaked slightly over his lips, and he struggled to swallow. He couldn’t even wipe away the drool on his face… he’d bet he looked pathetic right about now. He could almost summon one fuck to give. Almost.

He wined out. It would be much easier to leave if he wasn’t tied up. Surely they knew that. It was probably the point. Amber wanted to cry.

“Oh, well… Obviously, you want to stay. And, well, if you want pain.. I’m all too glad to oblige.” Hugo stepped into the cell, picking Amber up by the ropes. Amber gave up on trying to not sob. He could hear the smirk in Mercedes’ voice when she spoke up, 

“That’s more like it.”

Paul stayed silent. Amber barely noticed.

He sobbed. The inevitability of it all hit him, or rather, his helplessness. Nothing he could have possibly done would have prevented what was about to happen, whatever pain he was about to endure. Even if he’d, impossibly, managed to get out of the cell, they wouldn’t have let him leave. It was just a taunt. A way for them to break his mind, his spirit, as well as his body. He hated the thought for even daring to cross his mind but.. it had worked, too.

He scrunched his eyes closed. It hadn’t. It hadn’t “worked”. That was bullshit. If they wanted to hurt him, he was still gonna make it as hard on them as he could. He would fight and scream and struggle.

Struggling, in all possible meanings of the word, seemed to be the only thing he’d been doing lately.

Taglist: @silentlysurffering98

[what-if-i-just-did]

Amber, pre-whump: Aight bet (You can't do shit cuz if you beat me up, Jake will kill you)

how would your oc react if someone challenged them to a fist fight?

[whumpcateyes]

Hi!!! Could you draw my oc Amber Ruane? He looks like this: https://www.tumblr.com/what-if-i-just-did/765971401494740992/late-trick-or-treart?source=share

Also this is his story in case anyone wants to read: https://www.tumblr.com/what-if-i-just-did/761616236532596736/guilt-revenge-masterlist?source=share

As for situation... curled up in a corner and crying is always a good solution. Maybe show off some blood and mild burn wounds?? His cell has white tiles btw

-@what-if-i-just-did

i will check it out and see what i can do!(as ive said to everyone so far, no promises)

[racecarcat]

intro ??! ˚❀༉‧₊

Hiiii!!! I’m racecarcat, if you want you call me kat for short.

I just kinda wanna post stuff because I think it’d be fun. I’m unfortunately very inconsistent and everything (read: my mood) fluctuates very fast. I also, am really bad with tech, and therefore know to format nothing. Consumerism. Anyhow, here are some fandoms I’m in (or rather, have been in that if given the opportunity to talk about I can rant abt for hours):

• Jujutsu Kaisen (JJK)

• Honkai Star Rail (HSR)

• Genshin Impact (GI)

• Bungo Stray Dogs (BSD)

• Project Sekai (PJSK)

• Chainsaw Man (CSM)

• Sakamoto Days (SD)

Here are my fav characters from each, not in a specific order:

JJK: RIKO AMANAIIIII (pls someone love her as much as I do), Aoi Todo, Mai Zenin, Maki Zenin, Hiromi Higuruma, Kento Nanami, Yuki Tsukumo, Iori Utahime, Yuko Ozawa, Mei Mei and Mahito (I like them ironically I swear)

HSR: Stelle/Caelus, Jing Yuan, Welt Yang, Robin, MISHA, YUKONGG, Fu Xuan, Huohuo, Tingyun, Bailu, Ruan Mei, Jing Liu, ARGENTI, BAI HENG

GI: NAVIA, Neuvillette, FURINA, Kokomi, Shenhe, CHIORI, Jean, Lumine/Aether, GANYU, KUJOU SARA, KAVEH, Itto, Nahida, Faruzan, Yanfei

BSD: PAUL VERLAINE, Rimbaud, FUKUZAWA, SIGMA, Kunikida, Chuuya, all the flags (I LOVE STORMBRINGER), HIGUCHI, Hirotsu, ODA SAKUNOSUKE ODA SAKUNOSUKE ODA SAKUNOSUKE, H.P Lovecraft, Louisa May Alcott, EDGAR ALLEN POE, Fukuchi, TERUKO

PJSK: ENA SHINOME, Mafuyu Asahina, Ichika Hoshino, Honami Mochizuki, Minori Hanasato, Shizuoka Hinomori, KOHANE AZUSAWA

CSM: Denji, ASA MITAKAAA, Aki Hayakawa, KISHIBE, QUANXI, Angel, Kobeni, Reze, Madoka, Nomo, Santa Claus, PINGSTI, NAYUTA, Himeno

SD: Taro Sakamoto, LU XIAOTANG, OSARAGI, Shin Asakura, Nagumo, GAKU, Rion Akao, AKIRA AKAO, Natsuki Seba, Nao Toramaru, Obiguro, Heisuke, SHISHIBE, AMANE

And for funsies, here are some ships I like! Fair warning, I LOVE rarepairs and multi shipping:

JJK: Satosugu, Itafushi, NobaMaki, Hakari/Kirara, Choso/Yuki, Yuji/Yuko, MECHAMIWA, Nanami/Bakery Lady, Yuta/Maki, Yuta/Inumaki

HSR: Stelle/March 7th, Caelus/Dan Heng, Gepard/Sampo, Blade/Kafka, DAN FENG/YINGXING, Jing Yuan/Blade, Pela/Lynx, Bronya/Seele, JING LIU/BAIHENG, Himeko/Kafka, Cocolia/Serval, ASTA/ARLAN, Jing Yuan/Fu Xuan, Tingyun/Jing Yuan

GI: Jean/Diluc, Qingxiu/Chongyun, Beidou/Nigguang, Neuvillette/Focalors, Ganyu/Xiao, Lumine/Amber, Arlecchino/Columbina, Yae/Layla, truly too many to count.

BSD: Kunizai, AtsuLucy, Fyozai, FukuFuku, Shin Soukoku, RIMLAINE, Chuuya/Albatross, KuniBram, OdaAngo, Ranpoe, Shirachuu, KuniChuu, Yosano/Koyou, Kyouka/Kenji, SIGZAI etc.

PJSK: Ena/Mafuyu, Toya/Kohane, Rui/Shizuku, RuiNene

CSM: Denji/Asa, AkiAngel, Aki/Himeno, Denji/Yoshida, Violence/Kobeni, Denji/Reze, Asa/Yuko, Quanxi/her gfs

SD: None, surprisingly!

I’m probably use this blog for writing, talking about said fandoms, obsessively thinking about my ocs for each said fandom, and making very politically(/j) incorrect analysis about characters. And, more! I’m sorry this is so long, really just ask me abt anything and it’ll eventually happen.

Last thing: I might post about my own stories that are… painfully unfinished, so here’s a brief intro about each (they’re all heavily inspired by my respective fandoms, we don’t talk abt that):

*Insert Dramatic Title* (IDT): A robot by the name of Edis is asked to save humanity from a prophecy stating that, from five years from now, the world will end.

Slaughterhouse (SH): A pair of twins live in a “Haven Town” where there outside world was shrouded into an apocalypse. They learn how to truly survive in such a restrictive environment and find out the subtle corruption of their system.

‘Vest of the ‘Usual (VOU): A young boy has unusual abilities that leads him to work in the government, which depicts him having to do the unthinkable: go to school. And, do his job, that too.

Act I (A1): Olesia Lexina has had one dream all her life: protect humanity from the evil that is godlyhood! This follows her journey through the ideal of becoming on of the top members of the “Guardians of Humanity”.

Project: New World (P:NW): The government has allowed a project and organization by the name of “New World” to attempt to “purify humanity of all of its wrongdoings” and it has taken the world by storm; unfortunately, Chara has absolutely no interest in any of it.

The Eight Tragedies (T8T): An Angel has come to earth to ultimately destroy everyone on it, in which a humanities major named Reminiscence gives the world (her two friends) a chance to fix their problems before it can do so—by going into the past eight times to fix mistakes that should’ve never happened.

Majic Girl: BOOM ★ (MG:★): this one is something I’ve been meaning to get motivation to work on properly. A young freshman girl watches her whole world turn upside down (close to literally) to as some sort of eldritch horror resurfaces the earth! And she is one of the few people making the attempt to kill it.

$1 Supermarket ($1): The economy as we know it had crashed after inflation has risen way too high to the point even the upper class finds it hard to buy anything. Thus, a brand new chain store by the name of $1 Supermarket has arisen! Where everything is exactly $1! And there’s like, a bunch of monsters everywhere, but that’s besides the point.

Okay, that’s it now I promise. Thank you for reading this far!

[laimabynight]

OC ABC ♡

A - Anastasia della Giordano / Angelina Cruz / Annotto Crowley / Ashkara Kathat / Amber Magdalene Dawson / Audrey Cordelia Redmond

B - Benoît Vaillancourt (Chester Dunsirn) / Blanca von Hallberg / Bethany 'Bassie' LaRue / Beladrin Halhadomarir

C - Camilla 'Georgia' Soledad / Cresentia 'Senta' Läufer / Clementine Sybil Montgomery / Dr. Cecil Vandermeer

D - Devon Rowe / Donna Wang / Dorryen Whitestone / Draven Schwarzschatten / Marquis Donatien Jaques de l'Ostrove

E - Else von Sydow / Eugen Radetzky / Lord Ernest of Somersetshire / Estragon Heller / Endymiodes / Elvis Stalten / Eli Wilkinson / Edda ‚Die Bärin vom Odewald‘ / Erika 'Kiki' Halàsz

F - Fernanda Salazar

G - Gjest Solheim / GUL / Gideon Montesquieu

H - Helena 'Harvey' Fountain / Htut / Hank Cox

I - Ilya Lynnhardt of the Blue Iris / Dr. Ichabod Bellagamba

J - Jana Mirtschin / Jordan Bennett / Joan Olson / Jack Ramiro

K - Kasmeer Valorante / Killian Darkwater / Karl Eduard Nauditt (Karol Edward Naumowicz) / Kuzma Vitalijovych Bojchuk

L - Ljudmila Nikolaewa Sokolova / Ladislava von Koldov

M - Markus Abdiel / Mitena / Margarita D'aureville / Michelle Bader / Moby Liberman / Sister Mirona / María Ascunción Leguizamo / Miranda Kean / Mircea Eliadescu / Michail Andrejowitsch Achmerow

N - Najara al-Kira ibn Sajida / Nathan Garcia / Nourin (Moitreyee) / Nikola Snyder

O - Oriana Vylmythe / Olga Klockar

P - Pallantia / Paige DeLuca / Parisa Keshmiri / Pavlo Stepanovych Makarenko

Q - Qingshan Ruan

R - Raffaele Giovanni / René Debussy / Rodion Michail von Blankenheim-Lebedjev / Revain ‚Petals-Swirling-Around-Body‘ / Rhiannon Evenbraid

S - Saya Kitsugo / Salvador Dolorosa / Salem Lotte Harlan / Solaris Tarkovisk / Shiverin' Shelley / Sofia Velasco / Pater Sebastiano Fioravanti

T - Tomoe Kuriyama / Tennessee Dixon / Tiago 'Tuco Velocidad' Garrido / Tamar Balabanian / Thames Donahue

U - Ulysses Elevander

V - Vendelín Rusciska / Vespuccio / Vito Massarelli

W - Weston McNamara / Walter E. Harlan / Werner Henkel

X - Xi��o Dān Lín / Xylenea Octava

Y - Yatoth dex Selkasha / Yuka Hatake / Yvonne Ebert / Yoru Yanagi

Z - Zinnober / Zidanja Walsareff

[what-if-i-just-did]

Amber will owe you a favor. Depending on context, he'll either just do you a favor unasked, or wait for you to cash in. He's a very acts-of-service guy, but he also has the sense-of-justice autism that needs it to be even

How does your OC express gratitude?

[what-if-i-just-did]

Guilt & Revenge: Hallucinations

Whumpcember, Day 4: Hallucinations

Guilt & Revenge Masterlist

Awww look it's Amber's very first time being tortured! I loved writing this but now I don't have a buffer anymore... whoops. I hope you enjoy, lmk if you wanna be added to the taglist! I also wanted to say that, although I won't be adding it to the tw's since it's not really noticable in the story, this is TECHNICALLY minor whump cuz at this point in the story Amber is still seventeen.

Taglist: @silentlysurffering98

TWs: captivity (on a boat), hallucinations, sensory deprivation (tied down + blindfold), muzzle, sea sickness, messed up sense of time, off-screen abduction, mention of ADHD and hunger

Amber tried to fight back while they tied him up, but Paul and Eileen were just stronger than him, especially with him being exhausted as fuck. He could barely even struggle when they muzzled, and blindfolded him. He cursed them out and yelled at them, but it made no difference at all. Then, once he was secured to the bed, if you could even call it that, he heard them leave.

His mind was racing. This was sure to be the first of many tortures he would be forced to endure. From what they’d told him, they seemed to be starting easy. Maybe he would get lucky and everything would remain this basic, and everything they’d mentioned had just been hyperbole and bluff. Sensory deprivation was easy enough… for now.

Amber couldn’t tell how long it took time to pass. Everything seemed to be taking an eternity, but any time he tried to think about how long it might have been, it only felt like a few minutes. His thoughts drifted everywhere- movies, things that had been said, his childhood, how fucked up this situation was, his friends. It was almost like normal nights when he got lost in thought, occasionally chuckling at how ADHD his mind was. The rope binding him and the uncomfortably warm leather of the muzzle strapped to his face reminded him that it was not at all the same. He didn’t even know if it was night at all.

He thought of Noah-Elise. He thought of the painting she gave him that he’d been meaning to hang up. He thought of Trevor’s recent idea of adding alcoholic milkshakes and slushies to the menu at Tipped, and how Dave had actually taken it seriously. He thought about how neither of his parents would have ever done that, taken him seriously like that, if they’d even theoretically had a business like that. He thought about the first months after he moved out, how grateful he was, how he could finally start living his own life, how Dave and Zander had supported him in ways his biological parents never had. He thought about his family, his real family, his FOUND family. He thought of Jake. If Jake was here, he would have been able to overpower them. They would be out by now… and Jake would be pissed.

The bobbing of the boat was making him nauseous, especially without his sight. He had no idea where he was- he just knew it was on a boat, which seemed to be home-renovated specifically for him to have a cell. He knew.. actually, yeah, he should put together everything he knew. He knew the boat was bigger than the cell. He could only see the other half of the room he was in, but he knew there was more. He had no idea what body of water the boat was in. He didn’t even know if he was still in the same state- Hell, he could be in Canada for all he knew. 

Suddenly, a sound brought him out of his thoughts. Footsteps, right next to him- but he hadn’t heard anyone enter the boat, hadn’t heard the boat they'd left in returning. Had they actually left? How long had it been? “Who’s there?” He tried to sound demanding, but ended up sounding like a scared little kitten trying to roar. 

Nobody answered. Nobody came close to him. It was silent.

He was sure there’d been a sound. Right? He was sure?

He was sure.

….

He wasn't sure.

What if there hadn’t been a sound? Was he going insane? How long in complete solitude, unable to see or move, would it take for someone to become insane? How long had it been? Thirty minutes, six days? More, less? How could he know? He didn’t fucking know! He was hungry. So, maybe just a few hours. When was the last time he ate? He was hungry when he was abducted, too. Did they give him food? He had no clue. Couldn’t remember.

He heard something, in the corner, like water dripping. He turned his head towards the sound, but it made no difference- the simple fabric of the blindfold robbed him of his sight. 

Was he imagining it? Or might the boat have a leak? Would they leave him here long enough to drown? He tried to struggle against his restraints again, but found his limbs feeling weak and hollow. It was a feeling he knew intimately during his childhood, the feeling you get when you haven’t eaten in a day or so too long. He thought there might be black spots in his vision, which would help him further narrow down how long he’d gone without food, but being blindfolded and all, he couldn’t quite tell. 

Tears formed puddles by his eyes, and he shook his head wildly to try to get them away, since his hands were tied. The movement made his head feel incredibly light.

Amber inhaled sharply as he awoke. What? No. He hadn’t been asleep. 

Shit… 

Shaking his head had made him pass out. Fuck. For how long? 

Seconds? Minutes? Hours?

More?

Time trickled past him, like the water softly finding it’s way from the pile of snow it melted from. Time was thundering past, trying to drown him, like he was stuck in a large waterfall, making it hard to breathe. Time was wind, playing with leaves on the other side of the room. 

Why could he hear wind? There was no wind in the windowless cell in the belly of a boat in an unknown location.

There wasn’t any firewood to be crackling, making him flinch with how close it sounded to his face.

There wasn’t any marble for high heels to click on, and nobody was walking around him.

There wasn’t… he didn’t think there was a clock, driving him mad with the needless precise ticking, but there might have been. 

The last thing he’d been focused on yesterday was if there was a clock or not. He wished he had, even fleetingly, noticed if there was.

There weren’t any animals growling in his ear. There really, simply, just weren’t.

He heard them all anyway.

Amber felt parched. He was so, so thirsty. He was hungry, too, but fuck he needed water. He’d do anything for a glass of water. The tears stopped at some point, he couldn’t tell when. Time was a haze. His mouth felt like a goddamn desert. He wanted to cry.

How long had it been? Two days? Five? Seven? Would they leave him like this to die? How long did he have left if he was left this way? 

What if it had only been hours? Was it possible to get this thirsty, this hungry, in less than a day? Was he delusional? If they came back, would they ever tell him how long it had been? Would he ever know? 

Fuck, he hated them so much. He felt so helpless, tied down to an uncomfortable-as-shit bed. He wanted to beat them up and get the hell out of this place. He felt so seasick, he was honestly surprised he hadn’t thrown up. He wanted the police, or Jake, or Dave, or hell, he’d settle for Lore or even his father,  to bust down the doors, rip off his blindfold, untie him, and get him out. He wanted out.

He heard it, a few times. Voices in the distance that he recognised- Jake, or Noah-Elise, or his friends, or Dave, or some combination. Someone opening the cell door. Sirens. Sounds that indicated he was being saved, alongside the other sounds. The random ones. 

The fire and the clock and the growling.

His whole body felt numb. He was slipping in and out of consciousness, or maybe he was falling asleep. Where was the boundary between excessive thought and dream? It was dark before his eyes either way. He couldn’t move, and it felt like circulation to his legs had been cut off. Maybe they were turning blue and purple and black and falling off. He didn’t know.

Amber didn’t know. He was going fucking insane, and he was stuck. He couldn’t do anything.

He just wanted to go home.

[what-if-i-just-did]

Guilt & Revenge: Trust Issues

Whumptober Day 2: Trust Issues

Guilt & Revenge Masterlist

Wa I'm so excited to introduce ya'll to Noah-Elise!! Honestly she's so stubborn she just decided to be the caretaker in a story that wasn't supposed to have one but I'm just gonna sit back and see where she's taking this.

(I've literally made moodboards for every room in her apartment and I have a floorplan of it help)

TWs: Recovery after years of torture, anxiety, fear of breaking rules, mentions of food, blood, lack of clothing options, being deadnamed, getting startled by a slammed door, tears, having a bath, cells, and being really skinny

Amber hesitantly looked around the part of the apartment he could see. It wasn’t that big, but it was decent, considering they were in NYC. It was much bigger than the cell. 

The colours in the living room, where they were standing, were all tints of cream and gray and brown and natural greens, all very homey and comfortable. Still, it set his nerves alight. Noah-Elise was wearing a baby blue dress with a black corset, neon blue and black striped thigh-high socks, a lot of gothic jewelry, and a dark blue flannel. It had been a while since he’d seen anyone in alternative clothes. It was weird, remembering how he used to spend all his time being a part of those subcultures. He eyed the flannel suspiciously. It looked eerily similar to one that Mercedes had.

He could see a few doors, all open. He saw black tiles from a bathroom floor, and he was suddenly very grateful they weren’t white. He didn’t think he’d’ve liked going in there if it had been white. He could see the counter of what seemed like a narrow kitchen. He saw a double bed and a large, mirrored closet in another room, and quickly averted his eyes. It was clearly Noah-Elise’s bedroom, and.. he didn’t like the mirror. There was one more door, which wasn’t quite shut, but nonetheless, he couldn’t see inside the room behind it.

The past few days had been entirely chaotic. Passing out wasn’t a particularly new experience to him, but waking up in the hospital had been. He still couldn’t believe it had taken him several days to wake up. Noah-Elise had come almost as soon as he’d called, and their reunion was tearful and overwhelming. Everything had been so overwhelming.

The doctor had come and checked him over, Noah-Elise had said that he’d be staying with her, and she’d gotten instructions on how to take care of him and to watch out for refeeding syndrome and all these other things that, frankly, scared him. Everything scared him.

“Want a quick tour? There’s not really much to see..” Noah-Elise smiled apologetically. He hated it. He hated the way he was being treated like he was fragile- he hated more than anything that it was for good reason. It all felt so wrong. He shouldn’t’ve gotten out. It was a mistake. An accident. If he was as obedient as he was supposed to be, he should go back. Tell them he wasn’t dead, they made a mistake. Face whatever punishment was deemed suitable for this all. But he was so desperately relieved to be out… he couldn’t go back even if he wanted to. Not that the doctors or Noah-Elise would have allowed it. But still, it just.. felt wrong.

He nodded silently, and she smiled wider in pride. What was there to be proud of? All he did was nod. He sighed, and trailed after her. She pointed out the bathroom- which was dark purple and black, darker colors than he’d seen in a very long time. The hospital had seemed so colorful after years of a plain white cell, but Noah-Elise’s apartment really reminded him that other colors also existed. It was startling but.. good. It was a very fancy-looking bathroom, and he knew instinctively that Noah-Elise had DIY’d her way through most of the decor. That hurt, for some reason. He knew her so well.. had known her so well. And now, who knew how she had changed? 

He was scared of her. Couldn’t help it. For years, the presence of another person had very rarely not meant pain. He hated it. He wanted to trust her, to curl up in her arms and feel safe, like he was fifteen again, and cry. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t trust her. His guard had been up ever since he’d woken up, with all these strange new things that weren’t actually new and he was exhausted. He wanted her to leave him alone so he could curl up and sleep without worrying about being woken up and thrown straight into more pain. He hated himself for wanting her to leave when she’d been nothing but kind to him- taking him in, taking care of him, but not just now. Ever since they were thirteen, she’d been there for him. What had he ever done for her? 

The kitchen was very narrow, even more than his cell. It was white, and had paint splattered strategically all over the wall and cabinets. For a second Amber thought it was wallpaper before he spotted the stray splotches on the ceiling, past the line of where the painting tape must have been. “Did that ourselves”, is what Noah-Elise said when she caught him looking. Which startled the fuck out of him, making him feel like he’d been caught breaking a rule. A flicker of pity, or realization, crossed her face, before she slightly stammered and moved on.

She opened the door at the far end of the kitchen, leading to the balcony. There was a potted sunflower in the corner, and a hammock in the middle, and not much else. “This is one of my favorite places to hang out and read when it’s sunny. You’ll love it”, Noah-Elise said, with a soft, hopeful smile that broke Amber’s heart. He knew that damn smile. Same way she smiled after Jake got into a bar fight and she’d disinfected his scraped hands. Same way she smiled when Trevor came home after someone at school had bullied him for having two dads. He knew the damn smile, because he knew her, so why did he feel so fucking unsafe with her? If he couldn’t even feel safe with Noah-Elise… 

The first year, or two.. on the boat, it was hard to tell the time but.. the first while, all he’d thought about was coming back home to her and Jake, and Trevor and Dave & Zander. He was out!!! Why couldn’t he just be okay now?!

Amber was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of a door slamming. Immediately, a thousand apologies and pleadings were on his tongue, but they died at his lips, when he saw Noah-Elise’s face. Her face had changed too, of course. She was older now. Not really a teenager anymore. Fuck, neither was he. “Shit! I’m sorry, Am. The balcony doors are really hard to close, I just.. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking, are you okay? Amber?”

He still wasn’t used to being called his real name again. His vision went blurry with tears, and he couldn’t tell if it was from the fright, or from the sheer relief that overcame him. He quickly nodded, hoping she didn’t notice. “I’m okay,” he whispered, “Just scared.” 

Noah-Elise seemed to realize he didn’t couldn’t handle comfort right now, and he was grateful for the fact that she just moved on without mentioning it.

She showed him her bedroom without entering it. It was mint and baby pink. Not just the walls… everything. The bedding, the floor, the rug, the curtains, even the bathrobes hanging on the door. 

“If you need something while I’m in here, please knock, kay? Unless it’s uh, an emergency, or if I’m asleep. Yeah?”

He nodded silently, noting that he wasn’t allowed in her room without permission. He ignored the “emergency” thing. Emergencies mean urgency, and urgency meant it was about something important, which he was not. He didn’t even have to go through that thought process, it was just obvious to him that emergencies could never apply to him. 

Amber wondered if he’d be allowed to sleep on the sofa in the living room. It seemed really comfortable.

“You also saw the living room since it’s also kind of the hallway so… last but not least, the guest room. Or, I guess it’s your room now.” Noah-Elise further opened the door that he hadn’t been able to see past, revealing a bedroom with dark blues and pastel yellows, almost a beach theme. His jaw would have dropped if his most prominent stress response wasn’t a poker face. He got a whole room to himself..? Fuck, that bed looked amazingly soft. His own room? She was planning on keeping him that long? He got to.. to stay here? Holy shit. He couldn’t even comprehend.. this wasn’t a joke, right? He could barely comprehend that he’d be allowed to sleep in that amazing-looking bed, with proper bedding, holy fuck..

Suddenly he became aware she was still talking. “Sorry, what?” He felt so bad for interrupting her but he didn’t wanna miss any more of what she was saying. It had to be important if she was bothering to tell him. The color in the room was colorful enough not to remind him of his cell, but still calm enough that he didn’t feel too overwhelmed… it was perfect. 

“I said, let’s get you some clean clothes… yeah?” Noah-Elise looked at him, concerned.

He stared at her, even more speechless than he’d been before. Clean clothes..? He looked down at what he was wearing. A tank top that was once white, now almost brown with filth and dried blood. Cargo shorts that Paul bought him… maybe a year ago already? Also covered in filth, but more sturdy than the top, which was even torn in places. It wasn’t visible, but he knew that the boxershorts he was wearing under the cargo shorts had a few holes in them, threadbare in some places. He’d only gotten new underwear once since he’d woken up in the cell.

“Okay, you can wait for me in the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” 

An order, one he was more than willing to follow. He hated how being given a command slightly calmed his anxiety, but he obeyed anyway. He’d get clothes. And a soft bed. He couldn’t afford to screw up. A tiny voice, somewhere in the back of his mind, told him Noah-Elise wouldn’t withhold clothing or bedding if he didn’t obey her. He frowned at it. 

Why wouldn’t she? That’s how things work. Right? He shook his head.

After a few minutes, Noah-Elise came back with a little pile of clothes. “Here”, she said. “I’ll give you some privacy to change. Tell me if you need anything?”

Amber looked at her in awe, and nodded. Then his brain caught up, and he realized he was given permission to request something. He was already given so many things but… “Food?”

“Oh! Of course. I’ll have dinner ready once you’re done, if you wanna take a bath. And.. Amber?”

“Mm?” He was still staring at the clothes. 

“I’m glad you’re home. Like.. really glad.”

He looked up, and for the first time in probably over a year, smiled genuinely. “Me too.”

He locked the bathroom door and ran a bath, sitting in it until the water was brown and cold. Afterwards, he got dressed in the clothes he’d been given; a pair of skinny jeans that didn’t feel tight on him, a band shirt of Within Temptation that felt like it was swallowing him whole, and a red flannel. He felt more covered than he had in years. He wasn’t even questioning why Noah-Elise had pants that actually reached down to his ankles, cause fuck knows if they were hers they wouldn't have. He’d been promised food- he could even smell it. And there was a soft bed waiting for him. And… it was all because of Noah-Elise.

He quietly slipped out of the bathroom and watched her cook. He felt like he was breaking a rule, looking at her without her knowing. It made him nervous. But he stayed for a minute, just watching. He was still scared. That wouldn’t go away any time soon. But maybe it would eventually.

Maybe he could learn to trust his best friend again. 

[what-if-i-just-did]

Amber kinda raised himself. He bounced around between foster homes, and each of his parents. His father didn't really care about him, and his mother was too addicted to drugs to be able to take proper care of him (she loves him a lot tho)

He experienced proper parenting like twice- once when he was two in a foster home where they ditched him the second they realised he wasn't up for adoption, and once when he was living with his aunt.

Then his aunt's husband's business went under and they were all homeless for a bit before he was sent back to his father :(

who raised your oc?

[what-if-i-just-did]

Guilt & Revenge: Surgery (2)

Whumptober, Day 25: Surgery

Guilt & Revenge Masterlist

Shorter and less forcused on the actual surgery than planned, but I'm honestly surprised I managed to finish it at all considering the personal stuff I got going on rn. I'm dedicated to actually making it through a writing event for once. Maybe I'll improve it later, but for now, here's today's chapter. Also I know nothing about USAmerican hospitals and I did zero research so this is probably inaccurate as hell. Hope you enjoy and lmk to be added to the taglist!!

TWs: waking up in a hospital, long-term captivity, crying, and mentions of torture, a cell, minor whump (17yo), restrained while sleeping, and guilt about escaping captivity

Amber woke up groggily, and confused. There was weight on top of him that he didn’t recognise, and his bed was definitely not this soft. Something else felt wrong too, but he wasn’t quite registering it. He tried to move a bit, but something pulled at his arms when he did. He’d been left restrained in his sleep? Why? It had been a long time since they just left him restrained. Oh well, he didn’t quite care.

Wait, no. there was light behind his eyelids. What was going on? Were they still there? Did they forget..- Amber opened his eyes and his thoughts went dead. This wasn’t his cell.

The pure confusion had his heart skyrocketing, and for the first time, he realized the ticking sound wasn’t the clock, and it was actually a beeping sound, and it sounded an awful lot like a heart monitor. Soon, there was a hustle around him. Women wearing medical garb- women that weren’t Eileen or Mercedes- rushed over and started making a hustle. He was still half-asleep, and couldn’t comprehend anything that was happening. Where was he?

After a few minutes, the brain fog started to clear. He was clearly in a hospital. That still left him with a lot of questions. One of the nurses looked him in the eyes. “Sir, can you tell me your name?”

“D- Amber. Amber Ruane. Where am I?”

“Okay Amber. You were found with extreme punctures in your chest and rushed into surgery. You lost a lot of blood. We’ve given you transfusions and stitches, but you’ll need to take it easy for quite some time. We’ve uh.. “ She shared a look with the other nurse. “We also noticed evidence of.. repeated trauma of all sorts. Legally we’re required to report this to the police. It could stay at just that, or you could choose to prosecute. Whatever you want. We also have resources for trauma survivors that are available to you- “ 

Tears silently slid across his face not even halfway into her sentence. He was out. It was over. But he felt guilty. He didn’t deserve to be out. The last thing he remembered was just a regular torture session… wait, no. Something had been wrong.

“Amber, are you listening to me?”

Being called his real name was overwhelming to him after so long without. “How- how long was I gone?”

It was 2023 when he was taken. He’d been seventeen. How old was he now?

“You’ve been unconscious for a few days. Listen, do you have anyone we could call to come visit or pick you up? You’ll probably be discharged in a few days.”

He searched his mind, and finally stumbled onto the one person that had always been there for him. Who else could he call?

Starting to sob in earnest, he nodded. The nurse smiled kindly and handed him her phone.

He stared at it for a second. He still knew the number by heart, of course.

“Hi, how can I help you?”, came the voice through the phone.

“Noah-Elise?”

[what-if-i-just-did]

Guilt & Revenge: Denial

Whumptober, Day 28

Guilt & Revenge Masterlist

More of a drabble than a chapter, really, but the writing is just not vibing today. Hope ya'll enjoy, lmk to be added to the taglist!

TWs: past captivity, recovery, and mentions of having various basic needs denied, loneliness, and implied bad childhood

Amber smiled as he realized just how much he had now. 

When he was on the boat, so much had been denied him. Clothes, food… a comfortable place to sleep. Freedom. A sense of time. Sunlight. Any light, really. An existence without pain. Sometimes even movement, or sleep….

Stable ground. Companionship! He’d been so lonely, day in, day out. He was constantly exhausted, overwhelmed, hungry… 

But now, he had all those things he was deprived of. He had his own room, which he was allowed to redecorate. He didn’t, but it still mattered to him. He had a large, comfortable bed, with big fluffy pillows and a duvet. He could go outside any time he wanted, even if he didn’t much. He was allowed to have any food from the kitchen, whenever he wanted. He could even come to the supermarket to choose what he wanted. 

He had the autonomy that he’d been denied back.

He’d been given back.. family.

That was something that had been denied to Amber for almost all his life. And then, when he’d finally found it, it was snatched from him. He was terrified of it happening again, but… he had his family back.

[what-if-i-just-did]

Guilt & Revenge: Collapsed Building

Whumptober, Day 24: Collapsed Building

Guilt & Revenge Masterlist

Not really any whump this time, sorry guys. Instead- Meet Jake!!! Finally!! I'm sure you've seen mentions of the guy, but here he is! Also I love writing Amber's backstory... he's such a blorbo fr. Anyways hope ya'll enjoy and lmk to be added to the taglist!

TWs: underage drinking under supervision of an adult (no alcohol abuse), breaking into an abandoned building, jokingly ageist banter (teenagers calling a 27yo old in good fun), joking threats of physical violence, collapsed wall, and mentions of implied bad childhood, teenager living on their own, death, phone endangerment, customer service, and misgendering (said by a cis girl)

“Are you sure this is safe? There isn’t.. mold or anything, right?” Noah-Elise spoke in an uneasy voice. Understandable, considering she didn’t do things like this a lot.

“Sweetie, this building has been abandoned for over a decade. I’d be surprised if there wasn’t mold.” Jake had a smirk on his face, per usual. “Amber, need a leg up?”

“As if.”, Amber said, easily following Noah-Elise over the fence. “How about you, old man? Will your knees survive?”

Jake followed Amber just as easily. “You know I’m only twenty-seven, right?”

“Still over a decade more than us.” Amber wandered off to go explore, vaguely hearing Noah-Elise’s “hey, be nice-”. They were in a fairly large, mostly open space. There was a lot of random debris lying about, and everything was covered in dust. There were cracks in some places along the bare concrete walls and floor. A bunch of rotting wooden crates were stacked on eachother on the far left end of the space. Pieces of glass and wire and small unidentifiable things littered the floor. All in all, not particularly interesting, but fun enough just by the virtue of it being forbidden. It was quite near midnight, and technically this counted as breaking in.

“Yo, Am. Beer?" 

Amber turned around to see Jake shrugging his backpack off his shoulders and unzipping it.

He signed “sure”, but out loud he said: “You brought beer? Really man?”

Jake handed him one. “I don’t see you complaining. Noah-Elise?”

“Nope. I’m not drinking until I’m twenty-one.” She signed along with her words, and side-eyed the offered can.

“More for us.”, Jake shrugged. He’d signed along with his words too, and Amber chuckled when he realized Jake’d done that subconsciously. He opened the can and took a swig. 

Amber wasn’t good enough at grammar yet to really be able to follow along when they signed and spoke at the same time too much, although they did it sometimes for practice.

The three of them spent a few hours switching between talking and signing, messing around.

Noah-Elise slowly loosened up, although she continued to mother him and Jake a bit, as always.

“You know I could get into real trouble if we get caught? This is breaking and entering, giving a minor alcohol, probably child endangerment or some shit.”

Amber grinned. “And yet you do it anyway.”

“Cuz I love you little fuckers. But if you don’t give me back my phone now, Am, I’m throwing you against that wall.”

Amber looked at the indicated wall, then looked back and raised an eyebrow. “You’re throwing a minor up against a wall? Kinky.”

Jake rolled his eyes. “More like child abuse. Now give me my phone.”

“Same thing. Catch!” Amber threw the phone gently, and was completely prepared for the string of expletives that Jake threw at him in return. 

Jake had caught the phone, of course. Amber would never actually try to break it. 

“I don’t think you’d even be able to throw me against the wall anyways. You’re probably not strong enough.”, he teased.

“Oh yeah? Frickin’ watch me- “ “Boys? Let’s not throw each other against walls? I’m sure you can find something else to throw to prove your point, there’s tons of shit here.”

And thank whomever listens for Noah-Elise, their singular brain cell.

Grumbling, Jake went off to find something to throw at the wall. 

“Thanks, Noah-Elise. I dread to think how any of us would be off without you.”, Amber said.

She took a second to respond, pretending to think it over. “Hmmm. Dead in a ditch, probably.”

“Yeah.” Amber said forlornly. He quickly took another sip of his second beer, hiding his expression. They were having a good time, with enjoyable banter. No need to get negatively nostalgic now. He’d been living on his own for a year, he had people in his life that loved him, he was finally in a good place. 

Jake came back not too much later with a heavy-looking plant pot. It had some form of dead plant in it, but Amber couldn’t quite tell- and honestly really didn’t care. “Here. Look, I can throw - “

The sound of the impact swallowed the rest of Jake’s sentence, but there wasn’t much time to dwell on it, considering that a split second later, the wall collapsed, taking a good chunk of the ceiling with it. 

For a few seconds, Amber was paralyzed with fear, trying to find the source of the danger. When his mind caught up, he called out. “Holy shit, ya’ll okay?”

He did a check check of himself- his clothes were dirty as hell and he had a few scrapes, but he seemed alright. Further examination could wait.

Noah-Elise coughed a few times, and signed “I think I’m okay”. 

Jake quickly did the sign for “same”/”me too”, then looked over at Amber. “You?”

Amber copied the sign absentmindedly. He started laughing. “Damn. Holy shit. Okay. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a good plan..” Noah-Elise said.

They left quickly, all a bit shaken up, but overall alright.

“Fuck, now I need a shower.” Amber muttered. Jake somehow picked up on it and laughed.

“Hey, do me a favor, both of you? Promise me you’ll never tell Dave about this?”

“Deal”

Amber and Noah-Elise said it at the same time. It caused another round of infectious laughter to spread among them as they walked. Despite the fright, the night still ended well. 

Or, well. Amber groaned as he realized he had work in the morning.

“Nobody should have to deal with a customer service job after getting -”, he checked his phone, “less than four hours of sleep. It’s torture. Actually, I take that back, nobody should have to deal with a customer service job, period. Customer service is torture. Oh, sure, laugh at my pain.” Amber huffed.

“I’m only laughing cause I know the struggle, man. It’s just funny hearing it from someone who I’ve known since he was like thirteen. You’re making me feel old, dude.”

“If that makes you feel old, you should realize we were born in 2005.”, Noah-Elise piped up.

Jake stopped dead in his tracks. 

“No you’re not.”

“Yes, we were.” Amber couldn’t contain his amusement.

“That’s unfair, man. That’s low.”

Noah-Elise dramatically gasped. “You’re misgendering me?”

“Since when do you care if I call you man or bro or shit like that?”, Jake countered.

“Since never.”

“Exactly.”

“Uh huh.” Noah-Elise responded.

“What?”, Jake said, in a tone like he’d been silently accused of something.

“Nothing.”, came out among giggles.

“No, what?”

Amber and Noah-Elise were laughing. “Nothing!!”, she insisted.

Jake stared at them for a second. 

“Fucking teenagers.”, he said as he walked off.

[what-if-i-just-did]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell ohmygods I love this so much!!!! This is so good?????!

Happy holidays, @what-if-i-just-did!

[what-if-i-just-did]

Guilt & Revenge: Seeing Double (2)

Whumptober, Day 11: Seeing Double

Guilt & Revenge Masterlist

Oooh look at that, it's a two-parter :) Again, this is technically minor whump but it's not mentioned anywhere at all.

TWs: concussion, off-screen abduction, captivity, mentions of bullying, nausea, being deadnamed, the ER, and food being witheld/used as reward

Amber woke up with his head pounding. At first, he didn’t think anything of it, but after blinking a bit, he was alarmed to find out that he was seeing double.

Sighing, he tried to figure out what was going on… He’d left the store. Someone smacked him in the head. He’d passed out. He’d been… in the trunk of a car? There had been… four or five people. And then this strange dark room. It was still swaying, but he figured it was probably due to the concussion he obviously had. Brilliant.

His head still hurt, but less than last time he was awake. He could move around a bit. It wasn’t pitch dark anymore, but there wasn’t any light either. He looked around as best he could, getting used to the dark. Silently, he held up two fingers. Staring intently at one, he slowly moved the other behind it, hoping to cure the double vision. Instead, four fingers turned to two before his eyes. He sighed. 

He could see bars, like from a cell, and the tiles he’d felt earlier, and a toilet. There were other things, but between the double vision and lack of lighting, he really couldn’t tell. One of the walls seemed to have something stuck on it, but he couldn’t tell and didn’t care.

He heard various sounds, so he tried to focus on that and not the pain or the nausea. He couldn’t really figure out what any of them were, though.

Then there were footsteps above him, like on wood. Then stairs? Then two people walked in and switched on the lights. He blinked, and then looked at them. One was blonde, and the other was Black. Both of them seemed unhappy with him.

“Where am I?” The question tumbled from his lips before he had time to think. “No, wait- I’m- I’m seeing double? I think I have a concussion, I need to go to the ER-”

The Black woman- girl, around his age, frowned. The blonde one cut him off. “You’re not going anywhere.”

The Black girl interrupted her. “Relax, Eileen, he doesn’t even remember us.” 

Eileen scoffed. “Of course he wouldn’t”.

“Dom? Do you remember us?”

It was incredibly disorienting to be deadnamed, but he really had more important things to worry about. “No, I don’t and I’m really sorry, but listen, you don’t understand. I’ve got a concussion and my head hurts like hell, I need to get to an ER so I can get checked out. I’m seeing double and my balance is fucked. I could get permanent damage.”

“You’re gonna get a lot more permanent damage than you think, you piece- “ The Black girl quickly interrupted Eileen.

“Okay so, you’re not going anywhere. You made our lives hell so we’re gonna return the favor. You won’t be leaving any time soon. You probably have no idea what’s going on, huh? I guess that makes sense. I’m Mercedes, do you remember? That’s Eileen. Paul and Hugo aren’t here right now, but they’re also… part of this.”

He didn’t immediately connect the dots. He’d only ever known one Mercedes, and he could kinda tell it was the same person. The other names took a second longer, since he’d never known them at the same time. They were all kids he’d bullied when he was younger. Huh?

That was as far as his concussion-addled brain could understand the situation.

“As for where you are, you’re in your cell on the boat. That’s all you need to know. If you behave, you’ll get food. Good luck.” Despite her harsh, biting words, she seemed sincere about the last two.

Amber suddenly understood that they were not here to help him. They were here to make his situation worse. He instantly shut his mouth, becoming as guarded as he could given the circumstances. This was actually serious. Why did it take him that long to realize that? 

He’d been abducted, for crying out loud. He had to find a way to leave. Fuck.

He didn’t say anything, couldn’t focus on the rest of what was being said. He stayed silent as they left, and then stayed still for quite a while after they left. 

Shit.

[what-if-i-just-did]

I'm entering these silly guys in a tournament that needs a link to their picrews, so here's Jake, Noah-Elise, and a repost of Amber!

Jake:

Noah-Elise:

Amber:

[what-if-i-just-did]

Guilt & Revenge: Only For Emergencies

Whumptober, Day 7: Only For Emergencies

Guilt & Revenge Masterlist

I realised at quarter past nine in the evening that I hadn't written yet... it's currenly almost half past midnight. I have a headache and I wanna sleep but I'm really proud of myself for finishing this. It's short and could probably use editing but I'm too fucking tired so... hope ya'll enjoy anyways, lmk if you wanna be added to the taglist

TWs: lots of pain, passing out, blistered burns, being burned by a lighter, off-screen torture, unprofessional first aid, stress position, malnutrition/partial starvation, being very very very tired, captivity/cell on a boat

Amber woke up with a groan- and then a sharp gasp when a shift of his weight caused enough pain to knock the air out of his lungs, shocking him into awareness. The first thing he registered through the pain was that he was alone, and untied. Thank fuck.

He had some bruises, a bloody lip, and some of his ribs still hurt from an incident a few weeks ago… but the underside of his arms had forming blisters, and felt like actual Hell. 

His entire body hurt so, so bad. He wanted to cry, maybe curl up under a blankie. He wanted to go home. No, he had to focus… These blisters did not look good. They would pop, and in this place… certainly get infected.

He was so tired. Wanted to fall asleep. Hugo and Paul had strung him up by the wrists in between the bars of his cell and the opposite wall, having his arms uncomfortably stretched as Hugo burned the underside of his arms with a pocket lighter. Between the pain, the fear, the stress position, the hunger… Amber wasn’t very proud to admit he’d passed out a few times.

Hissing at the pain, he pushed himself to a more upright position. The burnt skin on Amber’s arms stretched uncomfortably. Shit, did he just feel it crack? Fuckfuckfuck. Through the exhaustion he dragged himself to the toilet. He reached behind it, scrunching his eyes as the pain shot through his body. And then quickly opening them as he felt himself get lightheaded. He could not pass out until he treated this, he sternly told himself. 

His hand returned, firmly clutching the small first aid kit Mercedes had let him earn once. He tried not to use it too much… This was only the second time. The muscles of his arms, barely existent, were sore as all hell from being strung up like a fucking pig for god knows how long… Fuck he was hungry. Shit.

For lack of better options, he pricked the blisters open with his fingernails. He didn’t even feel it, which he was grateful for but he was pretty sure that was… not good. 

A few moments later, he regretted questioning the lack of feeling when he popped the blisters. Medical alcohol felt like his arms were being set aflame again, and it startled him. He bit his tongue to hold back a scream, grunting his way through it, tears streaming down his face. He wished more than anything he was anywhere else.

He was surprised to find burn salve in the kit, and sparingly applied some. Every movement caused multiple types of pain to increase, hurting. He hadn’t eaten in… maybe twice as long as usual? It was hard to tell the time, even with the blasted clock ticking away every second of the day. He had no window, no internal sense of time. He passed out and woke up almost at random. The best he could do was that it seemed to always be day when they came along, but it’s not like he would know the difference.

The hunger gnawed at him. Sleep pulled at him. Pain tore through him. Desperation threatened to drown him further.

With extreme amounts of effort, he closed and hid the first aid kit, and shuffled away a bit from the toilet to avoid suspicion. He didn;t get far and he didn’t care.

He felt the rocking of the boat. Listened to the waves below him, barely audible, that he’d never even seen. He cursed the clock in his mind, for ruining this rare, precious, mostly serene moment in his hell of a life.

He closed his eyes and fell asleep right there on the floor, wishing he were anywhere but there.