#But fake or not; this was unreal for me. I don't know how else to explain the feeling

[aeolianblues]

Girl for whom rockstars were stories in digital scans of magazines you could only find in the West in the past, growing up and meeting rockstars and being able to have a decent, mature conversation with them is honestly something of a glow up, isn't it?

[midnightquips]

What We Never Were

Jake Seresin x Reader

Summary: Y/N needs a fake boyfriend for her sister’s wedding. Jake Seresin, her childhood best friend, is all too happy to play the part—until pretending starts to feel dangerously real. One bed. Old feelings. A week of dancing around the truth. She thinks he’s out of reach. He’s just been waiting for her to see him.

Themes: fake dating, bestfriends to lovers, pining, slow burn, fluff

🔴 MINORS DNI 🔴 Warnings: 18+ content, eventual smut, dirty talk, praise kink, jealousy, soft aftercare, pwp, piv sex, unprotected sex, mild praise kink, foreplay

💫 What We Never Were Masterlist 📌 Sign Up for TAGLIST

Author's note: HAPPY MONDAY & Finally SMUT!!!!! I always feel really unsure posting smut. I just feel I don't write it very well so please do let me know your thoughts.

Chapter 4

Part IV – You Were Always Mine

Your back hits the bedroom door with a soft thud, the sound muffled by Jake’s mouth crashing into yours again. There’s no hesitation now—just hands and breath and heat. He kisses like a man deprived of oxygen, like your mouth was the only source of life. Every kiss feels like he’s making up for every night he stayed silent, every time he didn’t say what he felt. A silent confession with every stroke of his tongue against yours.

“Tell me you want this,” he murmurs against your lips, voice hoarse. “Tell me you want me.”

You grab his face, kiss him harder, and whisper, “I want you, Jake. I’ve always wanted you.”

That’s all he needs.

His fingers are already tugging at the zipper of your dress. “Take this off,” he growls, voice dark and rough in your ear. “Now.”

You tremble as you reach behind you, sliding the zipper down, the dress loosening instantly. Jake steps back just long enough to watch it fall to the floor. His eyes drink you in—hungry, reverent. His tongue drags over his bottom lip slowly. 

You’re in barely anything but lace and he looks like he’s about to drop to his knees.

You bite your lower lip. “You’re still overdressed.”

Jake smirks. He tugs off his coat first, then unbuttons his shirt. You watch his hand drift down to unbutton his pants and your mouth involuntarily opens. Eyes glazy, breath held. Just knowing the anticipation is reciprocated has Jake on the edge.

Once he steps out of his pants, he immediately grabs your waist one more and lifts you like you weigh nothing. Your legs instinctively wrap around him. He kisses you again—deep, possessive—while carrying you to the bed. He lays you down like you’re precious. Like you’re his.

Because you are.

“Jesus, Y/N,” he whispers. “you’re unreal. I’ve thought about this—about you—for so damn long.”

Jake’s mouth trails down your neck, your collarbone, between your breasts. He doesn’t rush—he lingers, kissing the underside of each breast, sucking lightly until you’re gasping. He murmurs things between each kiss—

“So soft… so sweet for me...”

You writhe under him, heat pulsing between your legs, every word tightening the coil inside you. His kisses move lower while his hands stroke your hips, your thighs, reverent and possessive.

He lightly kisses your inner thigh, to tease,then bites down just enough to make you gasp.

“I want to hear you beg, baby,” he says, voice dark. “You’re gonna ask me for it. Let me hear how much you need me.”

Your lips part, already whimpering. “Please, Jake. I need you. I need your mouth—need to feel you—please.”

He grins against your skin. “That’s my girl.”

You arch under him, a moan slipping out, your fingers tangling in his hair as his mouth reaches the lace between your thighs.

He pauses, eyes meeting yours.

“Admit you’ve been thinking about this too.” he murmurs, lips grazing the edge of your panties.

You nod, breathless.

“Good,” he growls, “because I��m about to ruin you for anyone else.”

His mouth is on you before you can answer, his tongue sliding against your clit, slow and devastating. Your hips jerk, but his strong hands pin you open, keep you right where he wants you.

“Stay still, baby,” he murmurs, his tongue flicking expertly. “Wanna make you fall apart on my tongue.”

You gasp, clutching the sheets, helpless under the rhythm of his mouth. The heat builds fast—too fast. You try to warn him, but he doesn’t let up.

“Jake–GOD!” You come hard, thighs trembling around his head, a strangled cry muffled against your arm.

But Jake doesn’t stop.

He slides two fingers inside you, curling expertly, his mouth back on your clit. You sob out his name.

“Again,” he says, voice like gravel. “I want to see you fall apart for me again.”

You do. It rushes through you like a wave, your whole body clenching, falling, spiraling. And still, he doesn’t let up.

Your second orgasm hits you before you even realize it’s coming. You’re shaking, wrung out, tears in your eyes from the intensity. Jake finally pulls back, wiping his mouth, eyes blazing. “Fucking perfect. Better than I dreamed. Makes me wanna keep you here forever, just like this.”

You reach for him, desperate. “Jake—please.”

He quickly removes his boxers and moves over you, settling between your thighs. Stroking his cock, he runs the head through your slick folds, groaning low.

“No condom,” you gasp.

He stills, eyes searching yours.

“I’m on the pill,” you whisper. “I want to feel you.”

Jake’s jaw tightens like he’s holding back.

“Christ,” he breathes. “You’re gonna be the death of me. You know how long I’ve dreamed of this?”

He pushes in slowly, stretching you inch by inch, watching every part of you open for him. You both gasp.

“Sweetheart,” he groans. “You’re so fucking tight. Like you were built for me.”

You grip his shoulders, nails digging in as he bottoms out, full and perfect and overwhelming. He starts to move—deep, slow thrusts that drag against every sensitive spot inside you.

He kisses you again, more gently this time. “You feel that?” he whispers. “That’s me. That’s what it feels like when something’s real.”

You moan his name, your hands sliding up into his hair. He groans as your walls flutter around him.

“Mine,” he pants, fucking into you deeper now. “You’ve always been mine.”

Your legs wrap around his waist, heels digging into his back. He holds your face, watching you unravel beneath him.

“You belong to me,” he growls. “Say it.”

“Yours,” you gasp. “I’m yours, Jake.”

He grabs your hand, lacing your fingers with his as he keeps moving inside you. Your eyes lock with his, and it’s too much. The intimacy. The emotion.

“Don’t ever run from this again,” he says, voice cracking.

You don’t answer with words.

You flip onto your stomach, rising onto your knees. He takes the hint immediately, hands gripping your hips, guiding himself back in. He thrusts deep, hard. The angle has you crying out, fingers clawing the sheets.

One hand slides around your front, rubbing your clit in tight, ruthless circles.

You fall apart again—your third, trembling orgasm ripping through you like a storm.

Jake holds on just long enough to follow, slamming deep one final time as he spills inside you with a hoarse, broken moan.

He slumps over you, pressing soft kisses to your shoulder, your back, your neck. You both collapse sideways, tangled in each other.

His chest is still heaving, his face buried in your hair.

“You’re mine, Y/N Y/L/N,” he whispers again. “You always have been.”

And for the first time—you believe it.

You don’t argue. You just pull the covers over both of you and press your forehead to his.

“Yours,” you whisper back.

And fall asleep with his arms around you.

Taglist: @kvmitchell @mrsevans90 @natureartisian @purplefluffycows @eolsens @lunatygerqueen @deadlybeauty16 @ronniesreverie @anony1080 @vicky199625 @teacupsandtopgun @dizzybee03 @stillinracooncity @7dreambaby @pogueprincesa @jackiehollanderr @cozyjess @mrsnikolestan @midnighttithe @Lynnevanss @laserpente @cheyrenee @malindacath @girlypopmymelody @antheiagoddessofnarnia @yellowjm @itllbefineeeeee @dancethroughthethunder @ravenmourningstar @coldmuffinbanditshoe @ifilwtmfc @AnglophileForLife @violet-loves-to-write @itsmaytimetosaygoodbye

[elodieunderglass]

So, in the various relationships in the Killieverse, who's the "They SAID no PICKLES" partner?

oh my goodness! none of these weirdos eat burgers! how did I come up with so many people who canonically are not eating burgers. all right

Killie and Derek Derek and Killie are like this for each other. Killie is stoic and silent about taking damage to himself, but his response to anxiety and uncertainty is to lunge forward. He's possessive and protective, in the sense that he takes all the self-preservation and regard-for-one's-self that he doesn't have, and places it nicely like a little flower crown on someone else's head. Killie is also weirdly, brokenly gallant. ...It isn't always obvious that he's being gallant. Derek is a normal guy who would manage his own pickles. (in his case it would probably be cheese that he wanted left off, because he likes pickles). and he would be so, so happy to manage all the negotiations in the couple, because Killie's methodology is so very strange and off-putting, and a little too menacing. Derek is trying to sneakily get someone's attention to quietly resolve the problem before Killie notices and makes it weird. Derek is normal, patient and kind. Derek has probably worked in food service himself. Derek knows that mistakes are honest, and that changing orders is difficult, and jobs are hard, and that most people don't know about the meat+dairy not being kosher in the same dish thing, and that education on such matters is not going to be effectively achieved by Killie glowering at people.

Killie would never eat a burger for a long list of reasons. He doesn't eat mammal meat unless he can see it carved off the animal for himself, he doesn't trust melty cheese, and he could never manage that much ("AND there's chips?!" in a tone of throttled outrage, as if chips are an utterly unreasonable expectation on top of everything else.) Actually. One of the oldest Killie/Derek scenes I ever wrote is about how Killie Would Not Eat A Burger, in the context of him explaining to Derek that sexuality is fake and unreal, and everyone who claims to experience it is either lying or wrong. Like burgers, Killie says loftily, everyone lies about eating 'em. And Derek, paddling like mad in these unexpectedly deep waters, has to forcibly drag himself away from that, because he's just been handed the key to unlock whatever the hell Killie's sexuality is, but with the massive distraction of - what do you mean you've never had a burger -

Charlie and Killie Approach the counter together and form a polite and normal request, their different and distinctive wild-animal-in-a-Situation vibes suddenly gone all smooth and domesticated. gives an unsettling and weirdly unwelcome picture of what they'd be like if they hadn't split into two separate people as an embryo.

Pippa and Killie

Neither of them care about pickles on their own behalf, and with both together, they both agree they care less than they would have alone. But both of them would go up to the counter for each other. Knight and princess, but it's unclear which is which (and also both of them are the horse.) Pippa and Rossa Pippa does it. it's unclear whether Rossa was confusing about his order on purpose, because he loves watching her do it.

Charlie and [YOU] Charlie is the perfect person to send up to the counter if you didn't want pickles, because he does not find it unpleasant. it's mildly fun for him, actually. Charlie's day job involves being sent to do EXCUSE ME HE SAID NO PICKLES, but for things like funding and nonprofit organisations. Politely negotiating someone else's pickle order is enrichment for him, and an education for everyone else. Charlie asks for things off-menu and gets them. Unfortunately, the pickles are the only part of the burger Charlie would eat, so you really ought to just give them to him to him to eat instead.

Charlie and Suraiya (their younger nerd friend) One of the early scenes I've written about them is basically Charlie climbing across a counter to make Suraiya a new sandwich. Charlie's lesson to Suraiya is to make space for herself.

Bill and Helena The twins get the "being slightly gallant" from their dad, who, much like a rooster, considers all pickle-negotiations taking place in a certain radius of himself to rightfully be his duty. He would incite a pickle discussion as self-assigned alpha male on behalf of unknown women, children, and the bewildered. one of those embarrassing old guys. Unfortunately for Bill's combativeness and sense of dignity, he's married to Helena, who is furious in every waking moment that when she TRULY expresses her feelings, it causes a SCENE, and scenes are BAD. She hates and resents how bottled-up she is, and therefore how unsafe she is, because she is not allowed to defend herself from threats (unfortunately, such threats include people breathing in an annoying manner, songs played on the radio, the movement of birds outside, and mild inconveniences.) Anything and everything could be the last straw for Helena. She's far too upper-class and rarefied to be what Americans call a "Karen." Instead, what Americans call a "Karen" is trying to articulate the vague, wispy little shadow on the wall cast by the colossus of Helena. Helena deals with her own pickles. She's waiting like a hyena for the poor server to mess up the pickles. She'd do Bill's too. She NEEDS to make a SCENE and here is a REASON. it's a good thing those two don't eat burgers.

Ciara and Colm

Colm would never complain about pickles, or do it on anyone else's behalf. you'd have to do this for him or he would DIE.

Ciara would like to be the sort of person who would be assertive, but doesn't know a normal way to do so (she's aware that her parents are a lot, though) so rather than be embarrassed would like to avoid it.

Bren'n'Blaw

They are QUITE ODD. I would think they would go up to ask for a new burger together.

But they're so weird. they are probably deconstructing and reconstructing the two burgers to make two different burgers, one with Just Pickles and one with The Everything Else, and then they both share both of them. in the Land Rover in the carpark.

Ken + anybody

Although Ken's vegan, you could unfortunately probably get a whole pickled cow into his burger without him noticing. (the intersection of "vegan" and "boatie" and "geologist" resulting in a guy who mostly eats baked beans from a tin with a spoon - and what's worse, apparently thrives on it.) if you complained about having pickles, he would probably take your sandwich and remove the pickles for you. and do something faintly weird like putting the pickles in his pocket. and then give your sandwich back in the nicest possible way. Sorted! And you know what, it would be.

(why his pocket? is he going to eat them later? why not eat them now? is he going to... recycle them? is there a duckling in his pocket? will the duckling eat the pickles?)

Charlie would've probably run around Ken in tight circles, like a sheepdog with only one sheep, checking to make sure that everything was vegan on his behalf, and having a grand time going EXCUSE ME! HE IS VEGAN, if they weren't. Charlie was probably reading labels. KEN THOSE AREN'T THE VEGAN HARIBO.

this is unhinged, I hope I understood the assignment

[zenkor123]

WIP Wednesday

Peeta remembers something from the interview prep in the first games

"I remembered something while we were talking" Peeta says

"Spit it out" Leeg says

"Sure" Peeta says

"It's really interesting cause it's from the games and there's nothing shiny about it, I guess I'm lucky" Peeta continues

"And so are we" Tong says

"It's the interview prep from the first games, Haymitch began complaining about how Katniss could not act, he thought she would bomb the interviews, so it was my job to carry the interviews for her" Peeta says.

"You, Ceasar and Cinna" Leeg says

"Haymitch said Katniss has the charisma of a porcupine, but it was my job to present the porcopine, to tame her for the audience, I asked him what he meant by taming, he told me that the audience would be taming her by sponsoring her" Peeta continues

"Pissy is wild, like an animal" Leeg says

"She's like a rattlesnake mutt" Tong says

"Snake piss" Leeg says "I like the sound of it" she continues

"Snakes are so Snow" Peeta says

"Her songs suck like a rattlesnake" Tong says

Peeta is quiet

"Ok go on" Leeg says to Peeta

"So I laughed and suggested trying to get unscripted responses out of her" because "Katniss is about action not words" I actually said that, wow"

Leeg and Tong don't make a sound allowing Peeta to speak.

"Haymitch agreed with me, and Cinna told me how right I was, and that our mentor had the wrong approach when asked by Haymitch what bright ideas he has Cinna said simply "to put her on fire" I asked if that would work a second time but Haymitch said "some tricks work twice my boy" then the interview prep was done for the day"

"What day was it?" Leeg asks

"I don't remember, the memories all over the place, but Haymitch knows" Peeta makes a plan to ask Haymitch about it, takes out his notebook and puts a reminder.

"this one felt like I was really there, usually I'm watching someone else, it's kind of like a movie," Peeta thinks to himself and begins doubting the memory before saying "it feels real, but I'm not convinced."

"Violet and Bruno have problems with confabulation as well, it was like a big revelation that they could sort real memories from fake ones, then they got more unreal memories" Tong says

"I'll find out when I ask Haymitch" Peeta says

"It's pretty entertaining regardless" Leeg says

"Thanks" Tong says

@mollywog @ashyblondwaves @tryingssss @imasradiantasthesun @burkygirl @mega-aulover @clatoisms @justafewberries @letthebrightstarlead @peaceinpanem @farfromhome87 @thesunpersists @distractionsfromthefood @eleanorjane0690 @besiriusiamwild @somebodygetmesomecoffee @atefingersdagger

[pensbridge]

This is a thought I had before that I'm rethinking a bit since they decided to drop the trailer yesterday (bless! Oops buried this in my drafts and never got around to finishing til now)

Warning: Long post! (I'm sorry or you're welcome)

I've been trying to stay away from spoilers, so I could be totally off base here, but

Thinking about how Colin will react to Whistledown

I've already talked about Colin having to be needed, but surely there will be layers...

Colin has that line in ep. 1, where he talks about ruining LW and how she ruined his family, yeah after she rips him a new one in the paper - it's a clear deflection. This was never going to be about Marina, or his family. This is about Penelope seeing through the very real facade of Colin, and the fact that he'll believe she thinks those things of him. Because he's insecure if he'll be good enough for her. He needs to be needed, but also I assume Colin will be hurt at the deceit and mindblown at what it means when he puts the pieces together. Replaying certain moments/events, as well as oh, that's why that was so weird. moments that make him feel pain about the sincerity of their romantic relationship right ahead of their nuptials. Because up until the carriage, Colin thought Penelope couldn't see through him. That him trying to be someone else was working. That he was concealing his obvious feelings well. (And he was right; when Penelope "is this a ploy for attention" Whistledown couldn't see him foaming at the mouth and about to pass out on dance floors to know that something had changed.) The carriage was his moment of admission to everything he's been hiding from himself. And she's Whistledown! She's the one who first pointed out those things about him. She even said "does Mr. Bridgerton even know, himself?". He is going to be hurt for what he perceives is her looking down on him. He is going to feel betrayed, because it will seem like a joke he wasn't in on about himself. He's probably going to cry from that, because it will all feel unreal (maybe even like their relationship is fake and she was playing him; he's still insecure about how he's perceived and fearful of getting hurt, especially with Penelope). And the carriage will probably feel meaningless to what he believes her to view it as. like: "what do you mean you saw me pretending all this time for weeks?" Colin was on a different timeline in his feelings and when they sprung into action, they really sprung to all feel like it happened all at once for him. For Colin, it was like they spent all this time together now, he saw her for who she really is - to be less concerned for how she appears to him - and it was like something had really changed between them. And then, to know that Penelope's got an inside edition to how exactly he is maybe feeling, before he fully knows himself.. It's like he gave a full speech on that part of himself (how he portrays himself), and she already had an idea!

It's a complicated scenario, because on one hand there's this conflict between them of the secrecy and certain level of deception (Penelope having this information he's unaware to when they're supposed to be getting married), but on the other side of it Penelope sees him and knows him better than he knows himself (and I don't even think she's aware of it) - it's really the soulmatism aspect of them.

But the carriage won't be ruined. Because Colin and Pen at the core are meant to fall for each other due to seeing the sum of all their parts. Colin now sees Pen, which as I was saying before was not possible without Penelope dropping her crush veil and acting unnaturally around him. Like, right now, he's sure he loves her, because the pieces clicked in the past few weeks. Pieces clicked that he's not even fully aware how or why they come together, and there's a subconscious feeling to the things that can't be explained. I mean, when he goes to see Penelope outside her house and she's like "Whistledown did not want to seem suspicious;" (girl, wtf ), that's a piece to Penelope that he doesn't have the answers to, but he senses. It's all going to make sense once he has time to process and be privy to the hidden pieces of why they are compatible. But, sometimes things just fall perfectly into place without the why.

And he still doesn't know about her feelings prior to the carriage. Like, he thinks, "we both got closer over the past few weeks and we fell for each other through that" (he knows Penelope has always been a constant and that his feelings go back far deeper although he can't pinpoint an exact moment, but up until she reveals it, he's not gonna think she feels that (he probably thought they both fell through the kiss); like they were just good friends and somehow those moments in the past weeks have awakened something in them that neither has realized until this moment).

But that obviously won't last for long. Same as a fight (most likely) won't extend into this long drawn out thing of actual opposition.

And back to the Marina vs Pen debate, the answer to the difference is as simple as this: he didn't love her; he loves Pen! There's nothing more complicated about it; it wasn't real and that goes beyond just the willing deceit of Marina. I could talk about the rose- colored glasses romance/love idealization trope and how that's important to the development (*cough how the change to the show makes sense*), but the crowd isn't ready for that. [I love Marina, therefore her slander will not be allowed here]. But I'll just say the illusion of someone vs knowing someone is going to be the biggest difference [and the greatest catalyst (more on that later)] for how this plays out. Despite not knowing the Whistledown secret, Colin knows Penelope.

It's funny how similar they really are. They're both over-romanticizers. They're idealistic and they both idealized someone and had the pedestal knocked down. We already saw Pen's moment for this, the vital poor declaration moment at the ball. Now, I'm thinking Colin is going to have to battle this idea. He loves her, we know this! We also know that Colin can be impulsive for all of it's good and bad qualities. He is going to have to fight this idea where he acts towards his deepest insecurities. He's sitting outside the bedroom, so it looks promising (lol)! He's angry, but he's ruminating and he's internalizing all of that confusion and fear (I know they'll fight ofc, but for the little moments like that..). He thinks love is a thunderbolt in the sky, not that he fell for her like that, but that love is grand, fairytale-ish; he is a true romantic. His proposal shows as much for his his gestures of grandiosity. He's over the moon about the engagement and he's in a happy bubble after the swift timeline of the realization of their feelings. He'll have to break this idea. Because Colin didn't know love before Penelope. In the conflict of the Whistledown reveal, he'll see that love isn't always this gradiose thing. But that it's moments, being fully understanding of one another, wanting the person, seeing them, and (very important for his development) having them see you. Because that's what REAL love is. He'll actually see the real her and the full picture. Thus, we can actually get the real love confession where he says it. His perfect love idea will be shattered, but the end point will be sweet and more worthwhile than actually not knowing someone. They'll have a deep, dork bond, full love connection for life!

[boyrobott]

(i know you're on break rn so don't feel pressured to reply ) but the video essay is officially on youtube worldwide!! I had to fight with copyright for a week to get it up lol, but its here! 90 minutes of unhinged rambling about this movie. (GhostyQuartz on youtube, I don't think your asks allow links lol)

it's great to hear from you again! and if it helps you feel any better about messaging me while i'm on hiatus, i pretty much never log onto social media when i'm on a break, so i didn't even see this message until a couple days ago when i had some downtime. but i immediately went and watched your video essay right away as soon as i had the chance! i'm going to drop a comment on the video itself at some point, but i also don't want to clutter up your comment section too much, so i'm going to post the majority of my thoughts here instead.

for interested followers, here's the video in question.

"make america metro city great again" is living in my head rent-free from now on. it'll be here for exactly forever.

"you won't grow??? get sold to the circus, idiot" 😭😭😭

referring to elefun as tenma's "definitely not gay lover" ITS TRUE BUT YOU SHOULDNT SAY IT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTING THEM LIKE THIS. THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO THEIR PRIVACY. WHO ARE YOU TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM THEM.

i literally never noticed nor considered the symbolism of astro being suspended by wires, breaking free of those wires in the first moments of existence, and becoming so much more than the puppet tenma wants him to be. that literally got me right in the chest. i never thought about that before. thank you. i will be thinking about it for exactly forever now.

your notes about tenma's relationship with both his sons being largely transactional in their own ways (tobio gets good grades, tenma "rewards" him with love & affection / astro behaves like tobio, tenma "rewards" him with love & affection / astro fails to behave like tobio, tenma shuns him, withdraws from him, and rejects him) and how that bleeds over into astro's dynamic with everyone else in the movie, particularly hamegg, and colors his actions during his stay in the orphanage, is actually something i've thought about a lot. so it was really cool to hear somebody else drew the exact same conclusion. still got me right in the chest though.

re: why do robots have their own language, separate from the humans, in the 2009 universe?? i'm actually writing a fic about that!! i originally intended for it to fill one of the astro boy 2024 fanweek prompts, but then i got a better idea and this one went on the back burner. but it'll definitely get written & posted someday!

your analysis of the tension in astro's posture whenever tenma is in the room made me so sad for real. the fact that astro is so visibly uncomfortable and nervous around his own father will never not break my heart. poor kid deserves so much better.

ZANE IS BESTIE GOALS!!!!! this is real!!! this is true!!! this is canon!!! sometimes i feel like i'm the only true zane stan in the fandom, so it's always so great to encounter other people who also notice what a good friend he is to astro. their dynamic is usually ignored or overlooked in favor of astro & cora (which is understandable, considering their parallel backstories) but i really love them. zane is so ride-or-die for astro it's UNREAL. i've played around with the concept of zane faking his illiteracy so astro can reveal his secret on his own terms, too, and that was actually my automatic assumption when i watched the movie for the first time -- zane was just pretending for astro's sake -- but then the joke came back a couple times later on, and i don't know if zane has the patience and dedication to commit to the bit for that long, lmao. nonetheless, i've been considering a post-canon fic where zane accidentally reveals he does know how to read, and astro is so genuinely stunned lol

the surface was SO criminally underutilized. thank you for noticing. kissing you on the mouth. in my opinion, it was a far more interesting location than metro city, and i would've loved a more thorough exploration of it before he goes back home. i'd love the opportunity to write a post-canon fic one day where astro stays on the surface for several years at a time, slowly helping the surface-dwellers bring the earth back to life. elefun did say the blue core had the power to do that, and i just think it'd be really cool if his prediction came true not because of the energy within the core being "properly harnessed", as he says, but because the robot who's powered by it cares enough about humanity to devote himself to planetary restoration efforts all across the globe.

did not realize cora was canonically seventeen. i dont like that. i dont like that at all. i'm rejecting that full stop. she's like twelve or thirteen now because i said so. (i know she's pretty tall in comparison to the boys, which would suggest she's older, but i always assumed that was because girls tend to hit puberty first and reach their adult height by fourteen or fifteen, with maybe another inch or two before they hit adulthood. so i figured that was what happened with her. plus, astro & zane aren't really that tall. astro is canonically under five feet, and zane is only about four inches taller than him, give or take a bit. even if we assume astro is 4'11 (he's not lmao he's closer to 4'5 or 4'6 i think) that would only put zane at about 5'4.) and now you've got me wondering whether astro is canonically thirteen or not, because i always assumed he was younger, too, and everyone just jumped on what that security guard in the ministry says to tobio ("you're what, thirteen?") as a canon confirmation of his age. but you know what, it doesn't matter what his canon age is, because i won't accept it, anyway. he's ten or eleven to me. no way he's any older than that. he's too baby-coded <3

you want a copy of the 2009 novelization?? i gotchu. give me a little while to get it together and find a site to put it on (i know internet archive hosts rare books, but i dont know shit about it beyond that i just use it to read out-of-print stuff from decades past lmao so there WILL be a learning curve). i also have the 2009 graphic novel AND the Underground comic series. hmu if you want any of that too

"hamegg should have found out astro was tenma's son and hurt him as a way to get back at tenma" NO NO BUT I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN WRITING A FIC ABOUT THIS?????? I'VE BEEN WRITING A FIC ABOUT THIS FOR REAL???? I'VE HAD THIS EXACT IDEA IN MY HEAD SINCE 2021???? WHAT THE HELL AND FUCK!!!!!!!

that moment where you stopped to count up all the times astro died in the movie literally sent me into fucking orbit for real. i saved the picture to my computer because i want to be able to look at "death #3 (kind of)" whenever i want

speaking of memes i'm honored my "do it for him" one got featured in your video 😭😭😭

THE EYE CONTACT DURING THE SCENE WHERE TENMA DEACTIVATES ASTRO. YOU GET IT. YOU ABSOLUTELY GET IT. YOU ABSOLUTELY FUCKING GET IT. ALL THE UNSPOKEN THINGS BETWEEN THEM HANGING SO HEAVY IN THE AIR IT'S ALMOST PALPABLE. THE REGRET AND REMORSE AND GRIEF AND DESPERATE HOPE ON BOTH SIDES. TENMA'S EFFORTS TO FIND TOBIO IN ASTRO. NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY LOVE EACH OTHER THEY ARE NOT CAPABLE OF BEING WHAT THE OTHER WANTS OR NEEDS. I'M LEGIT CHEWING DRYWALL RN.

your absolute roast of tenma's redesign was so good lmao. "you can tell he hasn't had a good night's sleep in 3 decades" took me OUT. they really yanked his dilf card away and didnt give it back until pluto 😭

you really hit the nail on the head when you said hamegg's presence on the surface combined with stone's presence in metro city means astro isn't safe anywhere. one of my favorite things about the movie is how there is nowhere astro can go to escape the humans' cruelty. he can't even find basic safety and security, let alone home and family. it really drives home the hardship he's living through, and underscores the inherent tragedy of his existence. i'm absolutely fine.

i'm really surprised to hear you disliked astro's statements regarding his "destiny", since that was something i personally enjoyed a great deal! the way i've always interpreted is not that astro genuinely, wholeheartedly believes in fate so much as he has to believe in it to maintain his sense of hope and optimism. he has to believe that he has a greater purpose beyond a failed experiment and an imperfect copy of his father's real son, he has to believe he exists for a good reason, because otherwise, he'll have to face the fact that he's nothing more than a mistake tenma made in the darkest depths of his grief and denial. if he admits there's no such thing as destiny, he admits that he has no purpose and no place in the world. if he admits there's no such thing as destiny, he admits that he shouldn't even be alive. when he says it's his destiny to die at tenma's hands in the ministry, and when he says it's his destiny to die fighting the peacekeeper, that's actually an extremely realistic and heartbreakingly human response to his very distressing, very traumatic, and horrendously unfair circumstances. at the end of the day, he's really nothing more than a young boy who's just had his whole world ripped away from him, and he's struggling to make sense of this new reality he's found himself in. the horror of his situation is simply too cruel for him to accept fully, so he dresses it up as destiny. that's always been fascinating and heart-wrenching to me in equal measure. but i understand it's not for everyone, and to each their own 🤷

thank you again for linking me to the video! it was so much fun and so enjoyable for a die-hard 2009 fan such as myself. i'd be interested in hearing your thoughts if / when you complete your watch of the 2003 series, though i understand videos of that length require a lot of time and commitment, so i absolutely don't expect to see anything like that, lol. i hope you're having a wonderful day, and that you have a lovely holiday season if you celebrate anything around this time of year!

[l-in-the-light]

Chapter 1129 commentary

Oh boy, I can't believe we're already leaving the Lego Land. Let's start from the end this time, shall we?

He looks so happy! Is he seeing a fairytale-like world? Many people speculate Elbaf will feel like a fairytale world because it spells backwards Fable :D I don't personally picture that myself, but I definitely wouldn't be opposed to it!

Japanese native speakers noticed the "ah" reaction from Luffy there, which usually means Luffy saw something or someone he recognized. I don't think Luffy ever saw Elbaf before. But he might have seen Kid Pirates (if they're trapped in this prison as well, after their defeat) or Hajrudin (why Hajrudin? Because of our sun god person, ofc :D). Or Law. Because why the fuck not and it's his birth month ffs, it's the time for him to reappear finally!!

In comparison this is how Luffy usually looks like when he visits new places (those are from Water 7 and Skypiea mostly). It's more a :O than :D

Meanwhile slight blush and big smile is how Luffy often reacts, feeling all happy, when seeing someone he knows and likes! That expression looks the closest to the one from the end of the chapter 1129, which might mean something or it might mean nothing, but I thought I would share my thoughts anyway.

The more they say it's gonna be Elbaf, the less I believe them. But the hype for Elbaf is unreal, if it ends up not being Elbaf I'm not sure how fandom will take it at this point lol. I will be still fine. I don't want another long arc without Law.

Seems someone is slipping off his character. Now we can fully see how all of this is just a roleplaying bit.

Which puts the comments of all those tiny giants into completely new perspective. They're all in on this, the sun god is the game master, and they're the challengers (well, sorta).

Despite playing along they clearly want to get out of there, so perhaps they're not willing participants in this D&D roleplaying ;) they probably had no choice.

He's reeeeally into that. He would make a great (if slightly too immersed) game master.

Someone has a slight god syndrome here... which makes me wonder... we know in One Piece world there were beings even more gigantic than the Giants - the Ancient Giants like Oars. To them, the world must have felt the same way it does to our sun god here: like a doll house. I always wondered how they might have felt about other races in the world. Normal humans probably looked like polly pocket sized toys. Were the Ancient Giants once the enemies of humankind? If that's the case, how did humankind win against them and set itself free, I wonder?

Careful there, we're almost breaking the 4th wall again, haha.

Someone got so immersed his first thought was "wait, I didn't make this" haha. I wonder if it means he could have made a thunder clouds himself as well, even if just some fake ones :D

Now it's time to reveal who our sun god is. Apparently it's Rodo, a giant who is part of Hajrudin's pirate crew of giants, which joined the grand fleet of our Strawhats. Rodo seems to have been against the idea and doesn't like to serve "tiny humans". But this is curious, because Hajrudin and his crew used to work under Buggy for his delivery business. Perhaps Rodo isn't the smartest and fell for Buggy's visual trick to appear bigger than he actually is ;)

And this is our culprit. Tekking already figured it out before this chapter even came out and I'm amused to no end that the high heels turned out to be the key evidence :D

Another mystery sort of solved. They got carried by a crow pet of Rodo here (wherever "here" is) and apparently they went through sleeping mist belt, whatever that is (there are other belts besides the calm belts?!). I know it sounds like an ass-pull and it sort of is, but I guess it wouldn't be called a "belt" for no reason, right? So this is a new puzzle piece for the worldbuilding, even if it sounds like a poor excuse instead lol.

Rodo's reaction to "but the giant warrior pirates were guiding them" sounds a bit like "so they shouldn't arrive here". It really doesn't sound like they're on Elbaf, but they're probably at least somewhat close to it? Rodo did know what Dorry and Broggy were up to, at the very least.

Despite not agreeing with Hajrudin's decision, he knows all of Strawhats names and calls them with a cutesy honorific, which kinda proves he is a fan of them and heard quite a lot about them as well, lol. Rodo is kinda a funny guy, ngl. Btw the "taso" honorific is apparently one of otaku lingo trends in Japan nowadays. Old guys call young characters by "tan" instead of "chan" (those of you who read Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles are probably well acquainted with the "tan", thanks to "Kuro-tan". I had no idea though that Fye used old guy's way of addressing him lol).

It's based on a silly thing really, "n" and "so" look almost the same in hiragana and sometimes Japanese mispronounce things on purpose because they think it's funny. That's how "tan" became "taso". There's nothing more to it, just a nerdy linguistic joke. That reminds me that no matter how internationally popular One Piece has became, it always stays Japanese at heart and is mainly targeted at Japanese audience.

There's also the fact that Rodo apparently also speaks like a samurai, but kinda clumsily, like he forgets about doing it sometimes. He seems to like samurai culture, he also carries a katana sword. So Rodo is not only a D&D nerd, he's apparently also an otaku. And this gets dangerously close to representing Japanese fandom of One Piece. Rodo might as well be a representation of an otaku kidnapping Strawhats and playing with them like figurines heh. A fake sun god, definitely :D

I gotta say I'm amused that his sorcerer's staff is just a wired net, meant to help him catch those that run away lol. We also learn that this place is a detention center for the giants! So the people in the Lego diorama are indeed giants despite being small. My bet is still on them having been shrinked somehow to fit in there!

"That way is another dead end", says Rodo curiously enough, so maybe Strawhats didn't manage to break out to freedom by destroying that wall, after all?

We saw that the corridor before had many other doors arranged alongside it. If it's a detention center, then it's possible there are other "prisons" behind each door, maybe each with different theme? One is a Lego fantasy castle, maybe there are some sci-fi realms as well, for example?

And this is how the whole room looks like. Makes me again think back to the Ancient Giants and the huge gates leading to Enies Lobby, Impel Down and Marineford. Could that place have been the ancient detention center, if we go by this analogy? Or perhaps an ancient temple, if we go by how Rodo called this room?

It somehow reminds me of the picture from Enel's side story. Especially that snake that looks like it's folded up like a paper fan. In Enel's story that picture below the three moon people looks like a bunch of folded up snakes as well. Btw do you know that it's speculated to be the appearance of Pluton? :D a bunch of huge snakes that will fill up a battle ship of some kind.

The creatures on the right on the wall represents Poseidon (Neptunians), and the sun like object on the top of the wall is Uranus, with 16 swirly beams coming out of it (we see only half of them, more or less), and is powered up by Mother Flame or something akin to that (the flame-like thing in the centre).

We finally know how the Ear God rabbit looked like! RIP XD

Luffy seems to like this little diorama. Apparently Japanese readers think that Luffy is a bit of a nerd himself, he likes robots, he went really bonkers over Sanji's germa suit (on their way to Wano), in One Piece Red we see him build a tower mound with stones so he likes to "build stuff". He also doesn't like to destroy other people's things, especially those that look cool. In Egghead he informed Shaka that he wasn't the one who broke the headphones, kinda expecting to be accused to be the reason why they're malfunctioning. Luffy might seem like he doesn't care if he destroys things, but if he thinks something is cool, he would want it to stay intact :) I'm sure Rodo will appreciate the fact that Luffy finds his Lego city so cool :D

Someone wanted the adventure to last a bit longer. Can't blame you Luffy, I also wouldn't want to leave the Lego city!

One mystery solved! Apparently Luffy can now control Gear 4 to such an extent that it doesn't exhaust him and that it only extends to his hand or leg, instead of covering his full body like before. He learned from his mistakes, so now it doesn't eat up his whole haki! Law would be proud of him :)

Back to Uncanny Valley. Nami tossing away a map? I know it's not much of a treasure, but I don't remember Nami ever throwing anything she found like that before. It's kinda confusing to me.

Something I might have missed from previous chapter. Someone pointed out that Zoro's sense of direction is so bad that even if he followed a noise he would still not arrive at correct destination. They might have a point, lol. We should never underestimate how bad Zoro's sense of direction is.

Seeing how we're already three chapters in and there's no progress on the mystery behind some oddities in Strawhats behaviours, I have to revise my theory a little. I think trolls impersonating them seems to be less likely now, but the inconsistencies remain a fact. Which is interesting, what might have caused them?

Zoro's case is particularly curious, because his lack of sense of direction is a real life disorder. It's called developmental topographical disorientation and it can affect people even in environment they're familiar with, like around their home or neighborhood. They can get lost despite walking the same path every day! Some studies even point out it can be genetically passed down in families, which might explain why Zoro has it; it got passed down in his family ever since Ryuuma, who was infamous for getting lost easily too.

If Zoro suddenly gained some resemblance of a sense of direction then whatever caused the inconsistencies in Strawhats behaviour must work on genetical level. Maybe it's also a consequence of drinking the Green Fairy. It has "green" in it's name, and so far all sus green substances we saw in One Piece have one thing in common: lineage factors! Think of SAD liquid that was green, the liquid in which the clones in Germa's lab were kept in, and the green blood of Seraphims which Vegapunk explained to us contained DNA of current devil fruit users. It's not impossible that Green Fairy somehow also has "lineage factors" that temporarily affect behaviour of anyone who drinks it. It might not have to be only about hallucinations. I have no idea why that would be included in the alcohol, but I already speculated it might be some equivalement of "gift from gods". It could also explain why Giants shared it with the Strawhats, I doubt they drink hallucinatory drinks on a daily basis, without any special occasion. But since they saw Luffy in the form of Sun God Nika, that could potentially call for a celebraton in their eyes.

Rodo calls himself Taiyoushin which means sun god (as opposed to taiyou no kami, Nika's title). Amaterasu is also called taiyoushin in Japanese. One of her attributes was yata no kagami mirror (later became one of three sacred regalia of shinto), and Rodo's shield in the picture above kinda resembles it visually. Interesting!

We also have to finally adress the animal skull Rodo is wearing. We saw it actually quite a number of times before! In Drum Island's castle and in Long Arms Tribe's place on the walls, on top of the houses and ships of Elbaf, and on the head of one of the God Knights. We still don't have any sort of answer for it, but it's worth noting that this theme is ongoing for quite some time now. I guess it's not the time yet to give us any answers. For now all I can tell is this: in One Piece's universe there was once a sun god that looked like a demon wearing an animal skull. Was it a true sun god or yet another fake, who knows?

Last but not least, seems some people are disappointed with the identity of the sun god (Rodo from Giants Pirates). I can't say I can relate to that. Yes, I also wanted it to be something bigger than this, a proper threat, a true horror Strawhats would have to face. But also like, it was only three chapters long, I would lie if I said it was super hyped in that direction. On the contrary, the chapters constantly played with our expectiations and used twists at every corner, so the answer to the mystery being something not really that sinister is quite fitting in that context. I also think the ride was entertaining, I don't remember when was the last time I had so much fun just trying to figure out things and paying extra attention to smallest details! Also, Rodo is kinda easy to like, even though feeding humans to beasts is definitely still, well, quite sinister.

But who knows, maybe the Uncanny Valley adventure isn't over yet, there might be still few more chapters of that :D though Redon's hints for this week's chapter suggest otherwise. But I'm aware they're also often just pure crap.

But he did hint about bounties going up. Newspapers hitting the press finally? Strawhats posters hanging around somewhere?? Ugh I'm having way too many thoughts about this! I hate those teasers, why do I even check them up?!

If you're curious where I got some of the ideas and inspirations for things I wrote in this post, I leave you with a link to a youtube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=77Lpu0q1W4g It's a good channel btw, it's always helpful to get a Japanese native speaker's perspective on things :)

[nyxshadowhawk]

The Rural Dionysia submissions inspired me to attempt some poetry:

LARPing

I was accused of LARPing again. I get accused of LARPing, and of hubris, by people who see that I don't worship the gods properly, so I must not take them seriously. I am told that I have not been initiated. That the gods will strike me down, and put me in my place and then I'll be sorry. And I was sorry. I wept.

You kicked down the door with a big box of costumes, painted green with gold clasps. And you sat atop it with a winning smile. You asked me, “What shall we play? “Let's play pirates, and ride on the high seas, and turn the sailors into dolphins. “Let's play wizards, knights and castles. Grab your sword, and your armor, and your book of spells, and we'll save a princess from a dragon. “Let's slay Medusa, like you did once when you were seven, using your fairy princess wand as a sword, swinging it by the star until it broke. “You were Perseus, then. You climbed on Pegasus' back, and he took you to Olympus, where we, your siblings, waited for you.”

I asked, “Why wasn't I struck down like Bellerophon?”

And you said, “There's a big difference between being invited, and kicking down the door claiming you deserve to be there.”

I look at the box and I say, “I want to play Shaman.”

I know how problematic that is. I know that shamans are spiritual leaders from Siberia I know how insulting it is for a colonizer like me to imitate Native Americans as a childish game, Dressing up in fur and feathers like a bad Halloween costume And listening to New Agey "tribal" music While I dance around an altar that I built out of feathers and rocks and other natural talismans I'd collected and little figures of deer and elephants and leopard-print scarves spread under a fake plastic campfire that burned in the center of it all.

But I remember how it felt. It felt powerful. It felt ancient.

You smile and say, “It was powerful, and it was ancient. “You were not imitating any real indigenous rituals, except to burn sage and call it "smudging." “Everything else was your own. It was your ritual. A child, reaching back, back through the mists of time “To find the oldest ritual in the book. “Before there was theatre, there was LARPing. “Before there was writing, there was dance.”

And I said, “Lord of Dappled Pelts, give me that feeling back.”

You open the box. Inside are fawnskins and leopard skins, feathers, bones, animal skulls, Rough-hewn masks, with empty staring eyes, as primeval as the soil. You put a horned mask on my face, and dress me in furs, and braid feathers into my hair and put a necklace of bones around my neck that rattles with every step. Before there was theater, there was LARPing. There was the shaman, in their animal mask, behaving as the animal does, dancing round and round the ritual fire until they don't know the difference between man and beast, real and unreal, day and night. And you are there, where you've always been, in the dance. Casting the illusion over our eyes. The mask is a glamour, the stage, a farce. Storytelling itself, an enchantment cast over an audience as they watch and listen, enraptured, fully believing what they feel and see. It is old magic.

I found my gods by LARPing. I put on a white sheet, like a makeshift peplos, and made an olive crown out of pipe cleaners and construction paper and gold glitter and I drank nothing but white grape juice, the blood of the vine, and pretended it was ambrosia, and it was. I threw my paper leaves and thought the gods were listening, and they were. Back then, I didn't ask whether they were real or not, or whether what I was doing was historically accurate or not, or whether I was guilty of hubris for pretending that I, too, was a god.

You and I dance around our ritual fire decorated with stones, and feathers, and figurines grapevines, pinecones, and phallic objects and other fetishes, wearing our pelts and our animal masks. I lose my name, my face, my gender. I am made and unmade. In the primeval woods, in a time before the dawn of civilization, industry, writing, art, theatre religion, liturgy, sacrifice, humanity itself, we were LARPing.

[clockwork-dandelions]

Wi recently have been realizing/learning that wi experience hallucinations and delusions; and it's bringing a lot of things into question. Particularly about myr identity.. and I wanna talk about that a bit.

TW talks of hallucinations and delusions; including mentions of nonhumanity, bugs, shadow people, unreality.

Additional Warning.. I lost the plot and this doesn't make much sense.. I'm sorry :(

(I'm gonna switch to I/me 1stpp for simplicity sake but this is a collective experience for the system.)

My Experiences

First, let's talk about myr alterhumanity. I've felt for years, since middle school, that I aren't human. At least, not entirely. I live in a human body but inside.. I'm something else. It took me a while to figure it out but when I did, it just clicked. I'm a fox therian. Something about it just makes it feel like that's what I'm supposed to be. I'm meant to be a fox. But I'm not. And I know I'm not. That doesn't change the fact that I am a fox. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly "fox-y", I can feel ears on my head or a tail wagging behind me.

Around the time of high school, I had another feeling arise. Similar to the first, I felt something shift. I wasn't just a human. I wasn't just a fox. I was something.. more. Again, I dug and all I found was rot. And something in that felt Divine. I was the embodiment of decay. I was an angel.. a god of pestilence. My being, my mere presence, would wreak havoc on those around me and I both relished and loathed it. I felt like I had a better understanding of my place in the world but I hated the implications. This particular sense of identity waxes and wanes throughout and comes with its own bits of.. phantoms. I can feel bugs beneath my skin or rot slowly covering my body.

Around that same time, I began to believe that I had some.. special ability to help people. I thought myself a healer but for whatever reason I couldn't "unlock" this ability. It had been deliberately hidden and locked away from me.

I also experience things that have nothing to do with my identity. The ground shaking (purely tactile atm), walls moving like water, shadow people in the corner of my eyes, feeling watched and observed, a clock ticking in my head, feeling like myself or the world around me wasn't real in one way or another. And I have experienced these things for ages. I would say.. possibly middle school at the latest.

The thing is.. none of it bothered me. Not truly. I knew logically these things weren't real and I could, for the most part, identify the real versus the fake. Yes, it did occasionally get distressing when one of these cropped up during a moment of traumatic flashback but for the most part? It was just a thing I was experiencing. And it's always been that way. I don't pay a lot of mind to it and I'd never been in a place where it's safe to.. indulge(?) in these delusions or hallucinations.

It wasn't even until this last year that I even started asking for verification on whether something I was experiencing was real.

Part of this is because I stopped dissociating as much or as heavily. I finally became safe enough to let myself rest and experience everything I had been pushing away for my entire life. This, unfortunately, did cause a lot of this to suddenly become "worse". When you stop dissociating away from your problems, suddenly everything comes back tenfold and you become aware of what's been happening.

Yay healing! Boo worse problems!

This does mean that a lot of these experiences have slowly become distressing or changed in their.. presentation. Like my tactile hallucination of the ground shaking has gone from a train passing by to a visual minor earthquake.

And I don't know how to deal with that.

I don't know how to deal with the fact that things are getting worse or what this means for me or where I'm meant to fall within the community. I feel like I can't talk about these things due to them only recently becoming distressing and my general awareness that it's not real. My beginner level understanding of psychosis says that a key factor is not being aware that the hallucinations/delusions aren't real or based in reality. So what does that mean for me? Where does that leave me? I don't know and I think.. that's the scariest thing to me. Is that I don't know what to classify this as or how to deal with it. I have no community to lean on for help or advice or anything because what is this?

[silv3rswirls]

note: Don't ask what this is supposed to be or what even made me write this. Just came to me and this is what I ended up with. Also, I don't remember why I titled this Cicada in the first place? but its a cool name and we're keeping it

warnings: mental health, depression, references to verbal abuse, past relationships and breakups. memory loss, healing(?), open-ending

fic playlist

You had never seen so much fog in your life. 

It was thick, clouding around you as you dragged your feet cautiously over the pavement, unsure of what was before you. You didn’t know where you were. You had been driving aimlessly for a long time, trying to clear a racing mind and aching head. Suddenly an animal appeared in the middle of the winding road, you panicked and veered off the road to avoid it. You’d been walking since leaving your car to walk and hope for someone else to pass.

Then the fog began to roll in, and you found yourself even more lost than before. Until you ran into someone else, a young man who also seemed just as lost. He couldn’t remember his name, but he seemed safe enough to stick by, so you followed each other close. His car was just down the road he thought, you had thought the same hours ago.

Something was changing around you, you could feel it. You weren’t sure what was happening, but something had changed.

It felt unreal out here. Every building you passed looked so old and run down, you were in the city just hours ago, had you really veered this far off your path? It's impossible to have. You were running now, and you weren’t even sure why, but the guy seemed scared enough of whatever was chasing you. Whether it be man or beast, you could hear it snarling and nipping at your heels. 

“It’s going to kill us” He shouted, you were staring at his back, seemingly unable to catch up to run in his stride. 

“Doesn’t this all feel fake to you?” You ask, eyes shifting around. You couldn’t place it, but it felt off. All the time you wondered with him felt off. All the things you saw. Things that reminded you of your life, home, and self scattered about this ghost town.

“What are you doing?”

You had stopped, frown heavy on your lips as you cornered him. “What are you doing? It’s going to kill us if-”

“I understand now; what’s happening.” You interrupt. You held your breath for a moment as you searched for the words. You knew what you wanted to say, what you should say about the pieces that had formed and constructed in your mind. The realization that hit you as you watched Namjoon run ahead of you, when you turned your head back to face the creature, only to find that there was nothing there. “There is no monster” you sigh, letting out the breath you had wished to hold forever, until you turned blue and fell asleep. “No animal, or creature, or psycho chasing us around here- I don’t even think there is real anymore. Maybe it is? I just know…that nothing is trying to hurt us. Just me and you and you’re the only one seeing this thing.”

“What are you talking about?” His brow scrunches in confusion, but his tone lifts. A veil of fear lifted, leaving his voice intrigued, relieved, almost smug in its egging on of your word vomit.

You stare at him, you know what you have to say but don’t want to say it. “It’s me, is that what you want? I’m the only monster here.” Your eyes well up with tears, For the first time since stumbling into this nightmare you realize that you’ve cried. “I know your name, I remember now. Namjoon, do you remember too?” He smiles and gives you a single nod and you nod back, pursing your lips and trying to hold back the tears. “I know you’re not really him, you’re supposed to be him right? You’re leaving now, aren’t you?” You ask, “You’re going to leave me alone again?” The words slip out, and he frowns.

“I tried to stay up for you every night, tried to be there for you. But you never let me in, why did you never let me in to help you?”

“I was scared- I was so scared” you burst into tears. “I didn’t know how to let you in, I-I was so terrible to you- to him” You shake your head, wanting to forget it all again. “Don’t leave me here” you plead, inching closer, “help me, please, I’ll let you help me this time. Please I need you.”

“Why would I want you to? What help are you to me? You don’t understand, you’re always hoovering, suffocating me, just leave.” You shake your head, you don’t like the sound of your words in his mouth. “Honestly, disappear and I’ll be better.”

“I get it I was horrible.”

“I will never bother you again. Never speak to you again. I’ll leave for good, I promise. Just get help, not for my peace of mind, but yours.”

You open your eyes and he’s gone.

You look around, unsure of where you are anymore. You had never been sure, but now, with no one around; not even some monster chasing after you; you were truly alone. You smiled to yourself, this is what you wanted right? To be alone? You shake your head, starting to sob again. “I did this…I did this.”

You hated yourself, you didn’t want anyone to look at you; now, before, or ever again. All you could feel was a deep grief sitting in the pit of your stomach. You had made these choices yourself, so why were you so sad now?

Something had changed between you and Namjoon some months ago. How long has it been? You wonder, has it been a year already? Days spent holding up in your apartment with the shades drawn tight left you ignorant to the passing days of summer, then fall, and now you were sure it had to be mid-December or so. Before you could never truly remember what had changed, but something had as spring ended and a chill returned to the air. Was it just that time of month that inspired the worst of you? Namjoon had loved you, loved you so much. How he had put up with you for so long after a chill started to run through your voice; through your bones as if becoming part of you; was beyond you. 

You had lost interest in the world around you. Discouraged by one too many letdowns and mistakes. You lost interest in work, hobbies, family, friends, and love. You abandoned the old, and lived a new life in a world you made your own within the walls of your apartment. You just sit there, existing. Telling yourself next week would be better, you’d have a breakthrough, epiphany, something- and you’d live normally. Today, tomorrow, someday. And after tonight; Never. You never got your breakthrough, so you just fell asleep on the floor of your living room like any other depressing day you wasted. Sitting there, staring at nothing for hours, mindlessly stuck in your mind. Your head always hurt, and the bags under your eyes kept growing. Everything changed so fast, that your mind struggled to keep up. When it couldn’t you’d wallow in a pit of unchecked anger and deep, bellowing sorrow. You weren’t even sure why; you were sure there was a reason, but remembering it? Comprehending it? You never did get to that stage.

You wished you never began to piece it all together. All the little things around this town remind you and fit like a puzzle. The deep coldness stung your lungs and the whispers you’d hear now and again. How slowly, the true extent of your breakdown last spring was and just how vicious you had been to everyone. You had no friends left, no family that wanted to bother you anymore. Your boyfriend had been the only one, and just like everyone else you had pushed him away. Namjoon, or that monster, or whatever it was that walked with you. Was it even real? Had you imagined it all? Were you even really here? We’re you dead?

Was this some kind of punishment for how you acted?

“I hate you”

“It’s useless, how can you help? You’re useless.”

You were falling apart. Almost everything set you off back then. He set you off. How he could stay by your side left you uneasy.

How terrible that you did that to yourself, to him. How lonely had it been for him? While you got to hide away and block it all out. How bad had you hurt him?

The snow stung your skin, you were trembling as you tried to roll onto your back. Your clothes were set and your body hurt. You looked up at the grey sky, was all of that a dream? You looked around, you weren’t dressed to be out. Come to think of it, you couldn’t remember leaving the house. You sat up and looked around. No monsters in sight, no one in sight this time of evening. Everyone was locked inside basking in the warmth you were sure. You looked at the cluster of apartment buildings in sight and your stomach dropped. Why did you come here?

You stood up, it was fading again; your realization of what you had done. You slowly made your way to the parking lots. “Namjoon” you spoke to yourself, “don’t forget again” you pleaded, you were so tired of forgetting.

There he is. By miracle or cruel fate, he’s there with bags from the convenience store down the street. The one you had met him at those years ago. 

It’s like he’s seen a ghost when he spots you. His face pales, and his expression drops. He’s scared to approach, you can tell.

You stood there, chest rising heavily as you inched closer to the building. “Are you okay?” He asks, not in the same warm voice he used to. It was burdened and sounded torn between ignoring and helping you, weighed by exhaustion.

You stare back at him, you haven’t seen him since it all broke and you couldn’t even remember how long ago that was. You take a peek at your hands, if I feel nothing, why am I shaking? Against the blanket of snow on the ground you should see your hands trembling, a mix of the cold and building anxiety you were beginning to believe. They weren’t bruised or cut up anymore, you weren’t sure if they ever were. They just shook, the tips of your fingers red and bitter.

You looked back up at Namjoon. His brow was furrowed, lips pressed a bit thin and pulled tight as if he was trying to keep his thoughts from escaping. This is the first time you truly looked at him, even before the breakup your eyes saw so little of him. You saw him, the ways his eyes wanted to well up with tears. You let out a shaky breath and smile, “are you okay?” You hear him repeat.

“Yeah,” you muster. But you're not, and he’s not. And you're not sure if either of you will be.

taglist: @aft3rhrs

[wouldvecouldveshouldve]

I think its so stupid how people who ship her with matty or travis are now trying to re-write her entire relationship with joe to make it seem like she was never happy and in love with him. NOW, all the songs she wrote about how much she loved him, how she wanted to marry him, how he was this beautiful object she desired and how amazing their sex life was is either secretly sad or somehow about someone else.

Weirdly enough ive seen some Tayvis shippers try to push the same narrative about travis and kayla, acting like he was misserable for their entire relationship and was just waiting for Taylor to be available because he was in love with her the entire time.

it's genuinely astonishing to me how people can do that. it's like some people just invalidate the love and experiences taylor's had with others, and mark them off as unreal and secretly something deeper just to fit with their delusions and the narrative they desire. just like what some people are doing with travis now.

experiences are what make you human, and that's what taylor's craft is about. she writes songs about her life - an autobiographical look into her life, and sure, they can be over-portrayed and romanticised, but they're still real and a part of what makes her her. just like, when she was with joe, she created wonderful albums like reputation and lover which enunciated those exact feelings and replicated the adoration she had for him.

just because concepts like love and relationships sometimes don't last, or they didn't work out in the way that people expected them to, doesn't mean that they're any less real that the experiences that taylor is going through right now.

it's like a constant cycle of misinterpretation and misreadings into taylor's life, when really, what we do know is right in front of us.

taylor loved joe. but sometimes, things just don't work out. that doesn't make the relationship fake, and it doesn't mean she was always secretly pining over someone else or she was in love with another. and no matter what interpretations of songs are written, and no matter what fans may theorise, the love she held for joe is the only thing that's true.

i think some people need to recognise that.

[sobstoryofaloz3r]

vent/rant 8; derealization core

Everything feels 2d. My life feels like a movie screen, I'm not even moving. My body's just doing this stuff automatically. I don't have to think about pressing which keys, I just do. Pain is an illusion. A hallucination. You can convince yourself to enjoy pain. Everything is fake. I feel haunted by some presence, by some nagging feeling, and it's not going away. It gets worse and worse every day. It's growing, and everything feels less and less real. It feels the only way I can escape is death. Everything is so scary, the fact I can't see everything, I don't know what's ever even going on with the universe, is scary. How do I not know, not understand, the singular thing I'm living in? Maybe in another world I feel alive, but it's not this one. I feel so fake. So deattached. Everything just feels so distant, even if it's right infront of me. I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here or I will continue being haunted. This is a hell and I can't escape. This is a hell and I need to get out. But I can't. I have people to live for. Things to do. I guess. Who knows. Maybe one day I won't be able to take it anymore. I wonder if anyone else questions the universe as much as me, feels as unreal as me, if anyone is suffering this much as me. Maybe it's only me. Maybe it's not. I'm slowly losing myself, and it's coming for me.

[castielsprostate]

It’s so weird and feels unreal. Because every logical brain cell I have is like “I knew this. We knew he was a Nazi” and yet I’m still in disbelief that in like every history book we have a big section saying “hey. This was a horrible thing and let’s all acknowledge this should never happen again” AND YET THAT WAS UNDENIABLY A HITLER SALUTE. My brain has such a hard time understanding why people are racist/homophobic/nazis/etc and struggles understanding the simple fact that they genuinely believe those things no matter how many times I deal with these people in real life

The fact they looked at Hitler (who I thought humanity collectively agreed was horrible and very wrong) and then said “yeah let’s do that again” is boggling my mind

Me too, anon, me too.

We, in the west, haven't even lived through 100 years without reverting back to nazism and fascism. And for what! for actual what are we doing this again? not even money can justify this. is the end game some massive war? wipe out half the face of the earth? is that it? i thought we moved past this.

is it because americans alive today dont actually know what war is like? what not having rights is like? is that it?? what is the point???

i'm so tired, anon. we've been saying it for nearing a decade, i've been saying it for nearing a decade!!!!!!!! what happened to punching nazis?! what happened to never again?! so many people died. so much innocent blood was spilled. so many people traumatized. history was wiped out, vital information was lost forever. entire families were decimated.

and maybe they won't go after jews this time (they will), maybe they won't go after gays this time (they will), maybe they won't go after you (they will), but so many people will die. so many people are dying. wether it's from genocide in the middle east, or concentration camps in asia, or from russian tanks in east europe, or climate change, or extreme police violence, or from suicide over feeling hopeless, over preventable disease. people are dying. innocent people are dying. and no one cares.

no one actually, truly, seems to care. they reblog a post about palestine, or about the wildfires in la, maybe even a donation post, and then they move on. they'll reblog a post about a queer man being murdered for loving another man, no tags, and move on. because they get to move on. they aren't waking up in a tethered up tent with bombs dropping ten feet from their children. they aren't worried that a russian soldier will shoot them dead for walking on the street. they aren't worried they'll be stoned to death for holding hands with another man. they wake up, fake outrage, and move on, because they don't care.

they won't take it to the street for transgenders, they won't take it to the street for queers, they won't take it to the streets for children being blown up by their tax dollars, they won't take it to the streets for their mother's, sister's, niece's, girl friend's 's rights being stripped. they'll just think someone else will do that, and when it come for them there'll be no one left to take it to the street.

we said never again and then embraced it with open fucking arms.

[thesketchyheartist]

04/24

Serial Experiments Lain (EP 1, 4, 7, 12)

I thought the show was interesting, but I don't know if I liked it. I was in a bad mood when I watched it, and I still am, so maybe I didn't see things right.

One thing I did noticed throughout the show were people's eyes. I don't know if it's artistic styling like if the animators/artist got lazy or intentional, but some eyes were very un-human. Lain's is a good example. Her pupils were super constricted and the lines that point towards or away from the pupils made her eyes seem fake, and not because it's a fiction, but it just made her seem unreal. Even in episode 1 before anything began, she did not look normal, but I guess that might have foreshadowed her origins.

The Wired scenes reminds me of 2000s movies that featured the Internet with the grainy screen qualities and the deep dramatic computer voices at the introduction scenes in each episode.

Also I wanted to point out that ominous shadow in Lain's neighborhood street. I thought it was ominous because it looked like a shadow from the houses or electric pole but the sahdign wasn't a dull grey but it had things in it that supposed to be either a void or a pool of dark things.

Anyway, I have no clue what went on in Lain's mind, but I know she's supposed to have traveled between the Wired and the real world. When she explains things, I don't know where or how she came up with the stuff. It almost sounds like she figured it out, but it didn't say how.

I am curious about what is said and found about the Wired. I know it basically refers to the Internet and its infinite possibilities. Even now we are still finding new ways to use it and open new avenues within the Internet for people to discover. But like computers, the Internet is a man-made construct. The things it cannot do are what we allow or have not found.

But that's the point of the Wired. It suggests that what people don't know already exists, you just need to find it. Instead of treating it as a manmade construct, it is an independent dimension that can only be accessed by devices (phones and computers, or the anime calls them Navis). And a Navi doesn't connect you to some location on your selected Internet. It connects you to your Wired self. Or at least for Lain, it did. I don't know what other people do since they are supposed to be "applications." Are they applications from the Wired that are opened as humans in the real world or the other way around?

I also don't know if it ever explained what the Knights were, or how the Wired or Lain is connected to the suicides, like the very first one at the beginning of the show.

I know the episode skipping probably skewed my opinion of the show, but I don't really have much of an opinion for this show. The confusion probably gives it complexity, but even in episode 12 I am still not sure what anything means.

-04/23/24

Last post of JPT3702. Thank you to everyone who reblogged my posts. I didn't give many mind-blowing posts, but I hope everyone enjoyed it regardless. I had a good time reblogging everyone else's posts and hearing other people's thoughts. Good luck with exams and have a good semester!

[plushpyromoved]

red pyro vision headcannons: [i have a lot of thoughts and im not the best at words so please bear with me >.< i hope this isnt too confusing] I take from the meet the pyro video that is how they view the blu team or at least that is how they see them sometimes. see my headcannon for [red] pyro is that the closer u are with them in termz of friendship the better they can see you and distinguish between you and others.

for example on red team pyro is closest with engiee followed by sniper and scout so those 3 come through almost exactly as they are in reality but on the other end pyro doesn't get on with spy but because they are on the same team and pyro sees him enough they know who he is they just don't like him, his image would probably come through warped or not quite right, I also headcannon that pyro is a bit scared of medic because of doing yearly physical exams [pyro hates doing anything medical that requires them to take off their mask] so medic doesn't come through right either. soldier/ demo and heavy are middle ground soldier on the closer end towards scout and sniper.

but for the most part pyro doez recognise their team, they can understand what they are all saying [for the most part] and pyro does try to communicate with their team but obviously no one can really understand them. because of this they practiced very hard on certain phrases [using their in game voice lines for this] saying thank you to engiee and medic for healing and teleports respectively and praising their team for doing well [pyros "good job" that they do].

how red pyro sees the blu team - is very unreliable as red pyro isn't as close to them and doesn't see them as frequently as their own team, they are aware though that it's their job to "fight" blu team whatever that may mean for pyro on the day. sometimes they will see them as the cherubs like in meet the pyro but sometimes they see them completely differently see I think of pyro as having hallucinations/ delusions and just like in real life sometimes these flair up where its more intense and sometimes they have days where its not so bad so sometimez they can see blu team as they are pretty much, they will never quite look as they are in reality but it can get close if its a good day. for the most part I think blu tends to look a bit "unreal" like ur looking through a dream itz kinda hazy/ foggy their shapes and faces tend to blur or wobble in a way that just looks off not quite real not quite fake. I also think that pyro has face blindness so for example seeing a sniper without his hat and glasses becomez a confusing mess [applys to both teams].

if pyro takes their mask off or has it ripped/ broken or taken off by something else their vision is incredibly messed up, the world quite literally looks like its "broken" or "glitching" their eyes can't handle the sudden change and it sorta flickers between pyroland and reality and if they are not prepared to take their mask of willingly its very overstimulating and stressful they they end up panicking and will scrunch their face up really tight and cover their ears until they have their mask back on.

thiz is only my headcannons for red pyro for me blu pyro is a bit different.

anyways this got a bit long and rambly- i just have so many thoughts in my head especially about pyro >0< feel free to add ur own ideas/ headcannons/ thoughtz to this i love reading what other people think! also feel free to ask me my thoughts about anything else!!

[sayheykid]

*banging pots and pans* TELL ME ABOUT YOUR OCS!!!

you don't have to twist my arm! my story is mostly focused on friendship and growing up through the lens of college athletics (my fake university and fake surrounding small town are characters in and of themselves)

the central storyline focuses on the baseball team, and several people on/around it. here are the ones you MUST know:

charlie: irish/italian guy from boston and it's obvious from everything about him. captain of the team, de facto dad. he is so so very tired and he acts like shepherding 35 guys is the biggest burden in the world but he would die for any of them and they all know it. he literally cannot turn off being the oldest brother no matter how hard he tries, and holds himself to unreal strict standards, whether that's in baseball, outside responsibility, his family or the numerous handyman projects he's taken on to keep his college house from falling apart. he's a right handed starting pitcher who still believes starters should throw 200 innings a year. he's also more in love with his girlfriend than any human being has been in love with anyone else ever.

ramón: he is both the most and least chill person you've ever met. lanky sidearm lefty pitcher who was born to be a bullpen personality and forced to start. he's loud and colorful and knows everybody. (those who don't know him know of him) he has the best hair on the team and is the designated dj. he does not seek out responsibility to the extent charlie does, but is a competent and respected alternate captain. functional disaster bi

tyler: first string catcher and the babiest boy in the world. i love him so much, he follows charlie around like a lost duckling and has been adopted as charlie's little brother/son. people know he's smart (mechanical engineer baby!!!) but don't realize the depth of his personality because he's pretty shy and it takes a while to get his sense of humor to shine through. he cannot grow a beard under any circumstances. only baseball player in history to be taller than his listed roster height. don't judge that he's from ohio, he couldn't help it.

jake: he's a center fielder and everyone knows it. shows off on the field but is very down to earth in every other aspect of his life. extremely suave and charismatic with a dazzling smile. probably the most involved in extracurriculars of anyone on the team, and should probably be president some day (dude you can't be athletic and smart and musical and handsome and a genuinely good guy. leave some for the rest of us). nigerian and has two moms<3 he was also the kid that took the bite out of the nerf football growing up sorry

sam: charlie's younger sister and captain of the women's hockey team in her own right. she's extremely fiery both on and off the ice, and can sometimes be a bit brash. when it comes down to it though, she's one of the most compartmentalized and action-oriented in an emergency. she grew up as the only girl with two competitive older brothers (ben is between charlie and sam) and the experience was absolutely formative. she takes everything as a challenge, and is more of a frat bro than many of the actual fraternity brothers at their university. all three siblings have adhd.

ellie: love of my life!! charlie's girlfriend and sam's best friend though it's hard not to love her, no matter who you are. she is definitely the even keel in the friend group - very patient and compassionate, and balances a lot of the different personality types at play. she's also the only non athlete, but is unequivocally an equal member of their dynamic. she once gave tyler a buzzcut (at his request) because she's the only one who could be trusted with the clippers. she's just very graceful and poised and the boys would be lost without her, charlie most of all. with that said, she has her own life and own priorities and is quite successful as editor of her college newspaper.

other notes:

charlie and ramón are the oldest, jake is a year below them, and tyler sam and ellie are all in the next year, one below jake and two below charlie and ramón

the four boys all live together in a house off campus (they have one more roommate but he's not as important to the story)

there is literally so much lore i am vibrating trying to cut more than 60 pages for charlie ALONE down to a paragraph. i didn't even get into my worldbuilding which is its own thing. i have brain worms i'm happy to share at any moment.

Thank you for asking! I'm glad my kids are getting out into the world