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drunklander · 5 years ago

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Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 511

Ok so this episode is like the perfect embodiment of my love/hate relationship with the books. And the show, but since the author wrote it, the books too, and her writing/plotting in general. I hated the other episode she wrote so my expectations going into this were *rull* low.

This episode was like a series of character-driven vignettes, which is what I like most about her writing (and why I bother even sticking around): random scenes here and there that I really enjoy as standalone bits. But, in true Outlander fashion, it also like ticked a lot of the boxes for stuff plot-wise that I can’t stand. Namely, yet more violence against multiple women, Marsali and Fergus getting shortchanged, Lord John crossing just over the creepy line for a sec with Jamie and the situation with Ulysses’ legal status. It didn’t check the rape box, but we may have to revisit that next week. I sure as fuck hope we don’t have to, but seeing as this show never met a rape it didn’t think was ToTaLlY nEcEsSaRy to include... *preemptive sigh*

Show-wise this very much felt like a penultimate episode and in that respect it accomplished what it was supposed to. In the overall arc of the season though, much like when considering the whole book series, a few solid standalone scenes here and there do not equal a good whole. To be in this fandom is to be an expert in eating around the moldy parts of the bread to get a few nibbles of good stuff.

Anywho, SCIENCE!JIZZ 5EVA!

Fuck yeah PB&J, and Claire is forgiven for not mastering fluff yet. But fluffernutters are also a staple in any growing kid’s diet.

Poor burned girl. It’s not her fault she vaguely resembles a walker so I spent the whole time thinking about TWD.

Omfg I got like PTSD flashbacks when I saw that dress in the title card. KILL THAT DRESS WITH FIRE!

There may not be fluffernutters, but Bree and Claire fluff and Young Ian and Jemmy fluff are good substitutes.

This kid is adorbs tho.

They’ve been really blasé about mentioning time travel in front of folks this season. First Marsali and now Young Ian. The latter will be remedied, but I’m still lowkey annoyed that Fergus and Marsali aren’t brought into the circle of trust... Esp. when there was a perfect opportunity for it later on.

I cannot with men, tbh. Seeking justice for a daughter who’s been “dishonored” by killing the dude is like the most overused trope of toxic masculinity ever. And now we’re supposed to be all like oh look how relatable the Brown guy is! Because our tropey men wanted to kill a dude like that last week! Hard pass. Also, fucking his kid wasn’t raped, she loves a guy who happens to be married, but everything was super consensual. Sooo like double gross points for you, dude.

And yes, I know it’s ThE pAsT, but I am not in the past, I am in the present, and the show is airing in the present, so thinking this sort of behavior is gross is totes ok. So the fucked up squad of randos who always jump into my notes about how they like “their men to be men” can just shove it, ok? Ok.

They’re like really not subtle with the foreshadowing this episode are they. But then again, when has subtlety ever been a thing on this show. That’s a nice still you got there, shame if anything were to happen to it...

I’m really digging the decor in this living room.

Oh hey! They finally decided to stop pretending like Young Ian was dumb and didn’t notice literally *gestures* everything about Claire.

I’m still salty they never told Jenny and Ian in S3 tbh.

Shockingly, considering who wrote it, so much of this episode is directly from the books. So I’m sure the Cult of Herself folks will be obsessed. And like yeah, some of the stuff in this episode is some of the bits I really like from the books as individual little scenes. However! I know some in the cult will use this as a reason why the show should StAy TrUe To ThE bOoKs more. And please, for the love of fuck, fight that instinct. Parts of this episode aren’t good “because they’re from the book,” they’re good because they’re emotional moments between characters, which is where both the books and the show are strongest. “Sticking with the book” on everything would make an already not great show even worse. I mean, the show ain’t great, but thank fuck they’ve streamlined the book stuff as much as they have.

Yes, I did notice the Pamela easter egg from the book. No, I’m not one who gets excited about shit like that.

Aaand here we get the problematic af bit about Ulysses and his legal status. In the book, he was offered freedom and turned it down to stay with Jocasta. Which is twelve kinds of fucked up. Here, he *is* a free man and he chooses to stay and cosplay an enslaved person so he can chill with Jocasta? FUCK THAT NOISE. That is some “benevolent slave owner” bullshit. They don’t get overt with the Ulysses and Jocasta are banging stuff from the book, which is also epically fucked up considering the power dynamic and how a fuckton of men enslaved their own fucking kids because they’d raped the mothers and children take the status of the mother. I’m glad they didn’t come right out and say that. But it’s like lowkey implied and even if it’s not supposed to be taken as canon, having a Black man be given the option to get the fuck out of there and choose to stay with someone who enslaves other Black people is like some dangerous white fanfic nonsense.

Also, thinking about the slave/master relationship dynamic today really makes me wish I saw Jeremy O. Harris’ play while it was running...

Oh yay, Bree and Roger are actually leaving. Much like the Bonnet shit, credit where credit’s due, I’m glad they’re not dragging the will they/won’t they go out for another season.

Don’t sound so butthurt that you didn’t get to murder a guy, Jamie.

Poor Young Ian. Buddy needs a hug. And more screentime for his story. Like, do we really need something else traumatic to happen to Claire when we could explore family dynamics instead? This time with Young Ian and his wife and their Mohawk family?

THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER WAYS TO HAVE DRAMA AND CONFLICT THAT CAN TAKE UP THE RUNNING TIME OF A SEASON THAT DON’T INVOLVE CONSTANTLY PUTTING THE WOMEN IN PHYSICAL DANGER.

Lol at the thought of LJG “working the land.” Like, buddy, have you seen yourself?

“No doubt there a great many things I shall miss about being here.” Don’t make it weird bro.

Yes, I know he’s like gonna miss their friendship and stuff. But he’s always been just a smidge too intense about it. And by a smidge I mean the gay guy openly in love with his straight best friend a gross trope and I don’t like it.

Ok so if we’re following the “rules” of the show that the production used to recite ad nauseam to justify why Jamie and Claire barely seemed to even like each other for a few seasons (”they’re married, we don’t need to see them fuck!” “we already know they love each other, it’s a given!”), this sex scene shouldn’t exist. Because it’s really not essential to the plot. Which just proves the “rules” are and always were bullshit excuses. And the author/writer of this episode def spouted that bullshit too, so she can also shove it.

Because this scene *should* exist and those “rules” *were* complete crap. Because Jamie and Claire are very sexual/physical people and, especially when they’re going through things, use sex to center themselves where they are and in their relationship. Bree and Roger are leaving. Jem’s leaving. They’re sad about that. But they’re also happy that they made a family and got to be together as a family and are glad to have had that chance. (And, they just like to fuck.) So of course this is a good character moment. This is the kind of shit we should be seeing instead of just a constant barrage of plot and violence. And the crew can fuck all they off with their not at all convincing talking points about “rules.”

Also this is a much better use of sex than them constantly having them fuck after a fight instead of actually working through the issue between them.

Also, fuck yeah, get it gurrrl.

SCIENCE!JIZZ! (I’m gonna need a gif of Claire’s face when Jamie’s figuring it out because that’s gonna be in heavy reaction rotation.

I just love Claire fuck yeah science Beauchamp.

It’s also another scene that does nothing to advance the plot, but is a nice respite from the constant trauma. The show has yet to find a balance between the two, which is annoying af because they’ve had five seasons to figure it out. So like whenever there is fluff, folks pounce on it like starving animals. Which some in the crew (and some fans) like to point out like “see, you all like everything now!” Or “look, why are you whining so much, we gave you this!” Or “wow you hate the show but now you like this part? Hypocrite.”

But like, no, that’s not what it means. Not giving someone water for days and then throwing them a small canteen doesn’t mean everything is hunky dory. It’s still super fucked up. So no, enjoying the fact that there are a few fluffy scenes in an episode doesn’t mean the show is good. If they made more of an effort to center the characters and spread the fluff around a bit more instead of waiting until there was like trauma fatigue and throwing in a fluffy life raft, the show as a whole would be stronger.

</rant>

Ok it’s super fucked up they hadn’t told Bree about Willie yet, but I’m glad Jamie is the one who tells her.

“And it wasn’t a matter of love between us, but it was her choice, and that’s all I’ll say about it.” BECAUSE SHE RAPED HIM. COERCION IS NOT CONSENT AND ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT HOW “HOT” THAT SCENE WAS ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING AND THE PRODUCTION IS DISGUSTING FOR SHOOTING A FUCKING RAPE IN THE MANNER THEY DID. AND ALSO FUCK THEM FOR HAVING IT BE A RAPE IN THE FIRST PLACE WHEN IT COULD HAVE SO FUCKING EASILY BEEN CONSENSUAL.

This show is so fucking not good.

This scene with Jamie and Brianna is super nice, but like, we saw nothing of them building their relationship. He didn’t even fucking hug her after Murtagh died. The scene loses so much of what it could have had because they never did the legwork to show us what they mean to each other.

It’s the same old shit they pulled with Claire and Jamie. “Oh they’re together and endgame so we don’t actually need to show you them building and working on their relationship that much. Because you know they’re together so just go with it.” Like no? Fuck you? That’s not how this works?

FERGUS AND MARSALI DESERVE BETTER!

Of course Marsali’s preggo again. Why the fuck should she do anything but spit out babies. Also, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A PERFECT TIME TO HAVE THE FRASER KIDS TALK ABOUT TIME TRAVEL.

And Bree’s become a sister to Marsali? We saw one fucking scene of them together. See above rant. Fucking show us them becoming sisters. Sorry to interrupt your constant stream of violence and trauma, but fucking actually SHOWING characters building relationships instead of TELLING us they did the thing is how this is fucking supposed to work.

I’m rull pissed we never got quality Fraser kid bonding, y’all.

And ditto with this scene with Lizzie. We saw more of Bree and Lizzie than Bree and Marsali, but like we never really saw them becoming friendly post Bree’s rape and Rogergate.

All the goodbyes are like making me feel inch deep feelings because they’re rooted in nothing we’ve actually seen. And I’m not a Bad Fan or dumb for not filling in the feelings myself. I’m the viewer. It’s not my job to fill in the show’s gaps. It’s the show’s job not to have emotional gaps.

Oh hey! Another shitty man who hurts his wife and another woman trapped in a physically abusive relationship who thinks the abuse is her fault! On Outlander? Who’da thunk they’d have something like this?!

I’m so tired, y’all. So. Fucking. Tired.

I HOPE YOUNG IAN FINDS HAPPINESS TOO, ROGER.

Ok but for real, every time Lord John talks about how Willie and Bree are like Jamie it has that gross tinge to it. Like I know he’s not meaning it like a creeper, but they leaned so fucking hard into him being so into and not over Jamie that the layer of grossness is always there.

Also like, grannie and grandda, we got like one scene of Claire and Jamie playing with Jem. WE COULD HAVE FELT SO MANY MORE FEELINGS ABOUT THEM BEING SEPARATED IF ONLY THEY HAD TAKEN THE TIME TO BUILD THE RELATIONSHIPS ON SCREEN.

Claire making everyone PB&Js is fucking adorable and I love her.

Old timey forks will never not be fucking weird looking.

“And now it’s just you and me again.” Uh, Fergus, Marsali and Young Ian might be a tad offended by that sentiment, Clairebear.

Ok but like do they really think a rope is gonna hold up to fucking magic time travel rocks? It’s gotta just be like a mental security blanket thing, right? Because if not, loooooooooool.

Ok but the really just let their kiddo run off like that in the middle of the magic time travel rock circle? Dumbasses.

Ok but like what’s the betting they ended up in like a RenFest type thing and think they haven’t traveled but they have and it’s like lol look at them fitting in with their old timey clothes vs. skipping them going back to the future and doing the going adventuring around the even past-er past part but with them all together instead of Roger and Buck?

I’m just hoping it’s something completely different than the books because I have zero interest in Bree and Roger in the 20th century and hate the Roger and Buck nonsense with a fiery passion.

Erm, that’s a little close to the house to build a privy, my dudes.

Is the setting a guy’s dislocated shoulder thing supposed to be a cute callback? Because like hey wink wink, first she was kidnapped and then set a shoulder and now she’s setting a shoulder and then getting kidnapped is kind of a fucked up “joke.”

But how about we get more of Nurse!Marsali and less of Marsali just being constantly preggo.

“Sort of like the opposite of what you do when ya joint a hog.” I JUST LOVE NURSE!MARSALI A LOT OK.

Aaand now that we’re all good and docile little fans who have been placated with some fluff and Fraser fucking as a treat, we can go back to the regularly scheduled violence against women. Because we literally just had a violent abduction last week. So clearly it’s time for another.

Everything in this story has been done before...

I swear to fuck, if they do the thing I think they’re gonna do next week, I hope they get rightfully dragged by fucking everyone.

And if by some fucking miracle of Caitriona putting her foot down they don’t do the thing next week, they get zero brownie points. You don’t get rewarded for doing what you should have done the whole time.

And of course the closing is Jamie lighting Flaming Dildo 2.0. His men swore oaths to him, not any government or crown, and protecting his family has always been the top thing for Jamie. So good choice there with saving Claire being the reason he calls up the men.

#*#outlander starz #outlander 5x11 #drunj!der yells about outlander

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autisticandroids · 5 years ago

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2, 6, 12, 14, 27, 47.... foods questions

2. Grilled cheese or PB&J?

pbj, always. i like grilled cheese, sometimes. there are some truly delectable grilled cheese sandwiches out there. and it’s hard to beat a grilled cheese with your tomato soup on a cold night.

but peanut butter is the forbidden fruit.

my mother is allergic to a great many things. this has influenced my taste in two ways. some of the foods she can’t eat, i have developed a serious distaste for. shellfish, salmon, most preparations of eggplant, etc. even some things which she dislikes because even though she’s not allergic to, it seems that she ought to be, like coconut, i hate.

but sometimes it went the opposite way. some of these forbidden foods - tamarind, pumpkin seeds, sesame, cherries - i covet. peanut butter is in this second category.

though i must say, i don’t usually go for jam on my peanut butter sandwiches. i tend to go elvis style, banana slices and honey. occasionally i will treat myself to a fluffernutter, a monstrosity which, if you have never lived in new england, i gleefully invite you to google.

6. Top three cuisines?

okay. i’m officially declaring that this will be americanized versions only. i’ve traveled a lot, over the course of my life, and i’ve always eaten like a king, even in countries whose national cuisine is universally reviled. but i feel like it’s unfair to compare that way, you know? so this is gonna be just for stuff i eat in america, or make at home.

- italian food, but only the way they do it in new haven, connecticut, and surrounding areas.

- chinese food because if you told me right now if i could never eat another bao i’d die on the spot, actually. this is also cheating a little because some of the chinese food i cook myself is a lot more like chinese-chinese food than americanized chinese food, since i’ve actually been to china and stuff, but even if i were to never cook my own chinese food again and only ate at american chinese restaurants it would still be on here.

- third is hard. third is hard. thai food? polish food? indian food? vietnamese food? it’s hard. i think i’m going to have to go with japanese food. i would be a hypocrite if i didn’t, because i just spent two hours making a passable imitation of takoyaki, with vegetarian fish chunks.

i feel kind of odd about this, because i’ve always had the sense that americanized japanese food is even further from japanese-japanese food than most americanized cuisines, because it’s so limited in scope. like, american japanese food is pretty limited to either sushi, or trendy street food/ramen places.

i always had the impression that, for example, while american chinese food is very americanized, and really only reflects the cuisine of guangdong, it might at least have something to do with what immigrants from guangdong were eating at home during the early waves of chinese immigration. i have similar impressions with other immigrant cuisines. but i do not have this impression with american japanese food, since it was really limited to sushi and whatever side dishes sushi places sold, and the expansion of things like ramen shops and street food in the last few years seem to be driven less by immigration and more by a rising trend of mainstream western culinary orientalism and weeabooism. so i feel like it’s probably incorrect to claim japanese food is one of my favorite cuisines since the american version of it is so limited.

also, just realized that i would die for a good banh mi right now so i’m changing my answer, vietnamese food.

12. What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted?

you can’t go wrong with a good egg and cheese. i nearly always get an egg and cheese. they’re unbeatable.

sometimes, in a certain mood, i will get strawberry cream cheese instead. sometimes, in a very certain mood, i might get just plain cream cheese, but that’s unusual.

it really does not matter what you get on a bagel. what makes or breaks a bagel sandwich is not the filling, but the bagel itself. a good bagel could make sawdust and coffee grounds delicious, and no filling on earth can save a bad bagel.

there are, of course, mediocre bagels in the world, but those are best treated with the same respect as ordinary sandwich bread, and filled accordingly.

14. Favorite mug you own

i don’t own a ton of mugs, but since, i’m home with my parents right now, and they have a whole collection, i’ll give me favorite of theirs, which is my mom’s spock mug.

what makes this mug special is that it’s as big in terms of volume as a cappuccino mug without actually being one. instead of being as wide or wider than it is tall like a cappuccino mug, it has the same proportions as a normal mug, just scaled up. this makes it easier to hold, and easier to drink from, while still being fucking huge. plus, the wide mouths of cappuccino mugs when compared to their height mean that anything held in them goes cold in five seconds flat, while this mug has the upright shape of a traditional mug and so holds heat longer.

also, this mug has spock on it.

27. What section do you immediately head for when you walk into a bookstore?

i’m not a huge bookstore person? i’m very hesitant about acquiring new material possession which have a finite term of usefulness, even moreso if i have to actually pay for them, and i am well aware that i will read most books only once, and some not at all. for actual reading material, i tend to prefer libraries or ebooks, to keep from adding more unmanageable clutter to my disastrous living space. libraries especially, since they’re free, and also i have a deadline to either read the damn book or give up on it.

in libraries, i tend to head for either the y.a. or adult genre fiction sections, since that’s what i go for, though usually when i come into a library i already have a book in mind. i also tend to head to audiobooks. i love audiobooks, they’re wonderful, i’ve gotten through so many books that way.

however, when i do go to bookstores, i don’t go to the stuff i would normally actually read. in more chain-y, new-book bookstores, i tend to go to the novelty books, the kind of stuff libraries don’t have. coffee table books with pictures of cats, comic collections, joke books. and i tend to check out the displays, see what’s up.

i’m also way more likely to go to the nonfiction sections of these kinds of bookstores than used bookstores or libraries, for two reasons. first, because i tend to think nonfiction makes for good gifts. if you give someone a book it comes with strings attached, no matter what, but those strings are different for different kinds of books. a novel comes with an obligation to read it cover to cover, and not just read it, but enjoy it, or at least come up with an interesting opinion on its contents. a nonfiction book does not have to be enjoyable, merely informative, and it’s a lot easier to be informed by a book than to like one. plus, most of the time you don’t actually need to read the whole thing, because although they do tend to have overall arcs and maybe overarching arguments, a lot of nonfiction books can be informative even if consumed in small chunks. second, because in chain-y, new book bookstores, the nonfiction section tends to be glutted with the sort of fun, digestible pop-nonfiction that i tend to read if i must go for nonfiction, while libraries and used bookstores run more towards the drier, probably more informative but less enjoyable sort.

in used bookstores, i tend towards a different pattern. what i look for in used bookstores is stuff that’s interesting because it’s old. cookbooks, art books, fifty cent science fiction novels. i especially like very old history and social science books; near my college there was a used bookstore that had an entire shelf of psychoanalysis books, and another of histories of like, medieval european art and design, all written in like the forties. the kind of stuff that’s out of print so wouldn’t be in a new bookstore, but is probably outdated, inaccurate, useless, and unpopular, so it isn’t in too many libraries either.

47. How do you top your ice cream?

i’m not a huge ice cream person? like, ice cream gives me a stomach ache pretty much uhhhh always. if i’m having it in my house, scooped into a bowl, i don’t generally top it with anything, ditto with stuff i get from an ice cream shop, but the most common way i eat ice cream is actually in like, bar form? like you know those dove bars, like a bar of vanilla ice cream dipped in chocolate. does that count?

i definitely like stuff mixed into my ice cream, i’m a fiend for cookie dough and brownie chunks. maybe my favorite ice cream flavor ever came from a local ice cream shop which has tragically since shut down. it was called kettle crunch and it had chocolate covered potato chips mixed in.

i guess i always get toppings at like, those trendy froyo places that go by weight and have a buffet of toppings? but honestly, when i go to those places, i rarely get any actual froyo. usually i just fill my bowl with popping boba because they always have it and i love it. i get some fruit too, and sometimes i get some of the candy, like a few gummy worms or a kit kat. but the popping boba is the star of the show.

ok now i’ve gotten distracted researching buying popping boba online. apparently it’s not hard, but it seems like a lot of the time it comes in seven pound bucket. like i could get a small amount of the common flavors, but i have just now right now discovered that there is such a thing as chocolate popping boba and i’m losing it because it only comes in seven pound buckets but i need it.

also, chilli pepper popping boba, which has the same problem, but also holy fuck.

#food //#asks #jazzypizzaz

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kinetic-elaboration · 4 years ago

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December 7: Orphan Black 3x05

Felt pretty horrible today after work but I’m starting to feel a bit more human now. Of course it’s also almost time to go back to bed so :/

Anyway, watched another episode of OB. It was quite good! As far as S3 episodes go. I know I sound so negative about this season but it really is overall frustrating. I did enjoy myself for this installment, though.

My newest theory about the dissatisfying nature of this season, which is I guess a restatement of previous theories, is that too few main characters are in any way involved in the Castor story. Like, it’s not that it’s a bad story necessarily; it’s not the most compelling to me, but it’s not awful and at this point it’s even becoming basically coherent. But only Sarah and Helena are involved with it. Alison has her whole other story line, and Cosima has nothing to do when she’s not sick. Felix and Mrs. S just sit around drinking tea and gossiping about the clones and being worried. Not just Rachel but literally the whole of Dyad haven’t been seen since, what, ep 1, even though that ep seemed to be setting up an arc for them? Delphine and Kira (and Cal) were shipped off to Europe for half/nearly all of the season. Art flits in and out of the story as needed (this was sorta true of S2, too). I remember it coming together more later but this is already the halfway point.

In some ways, the season feels too ambitious, but like a lot of that ambition is set up and then shelved for long periods of time. Just a tentative thought there.

I guess this is another way of restating that the male clones are a distraction from the sisters’ stories but I’m trying to say that another angle of it is: the show picked a main story that almost none of its major or familiar characters had a place in, and that is a WEIRD choice.

That said, I did enjoy Sarah and Helena’s reunion and escape a lot. I love those kinds of scenes, where a long-running plot finally comes together and characters work together in a tense situation to effect some kind of life or death plan and this one was very well plotted and executed. Extremely satisfying.

Mrs. S and Felix are still definitely the Reserves but I also highly enjoyed their story with Gracie. I’ve gotten such a fondness for her, and it was just refreshing and kinda lovely to see her with Art and with Sarah’s family. She has such a great face too, for expressions like “wtf is this” “excited” and “extreme suspicion.” And of course, I mean, Felix and S teaching her to dance??? Cute.

Cosima is yet again retreating into her role as “the science” but there isn’t much science needed, and she’s not sick (currently) and Delphine isn’t around, so truly they just... don’t know what to do with her! I do remember liking Cosima when I originally watched but she’s a disappointment this rewatch, though I don’t entirely think it’s her fault. Anyway, as far as Shay goes, she’s kind of a fluffernutter girlfriend, not much substance, but I like her more than Delphine. I seem to remember the show not really giving them a proper chance (nothing can compare to your toxic soul mate lol!!) and feeling like she was just there to give Cosima some attempt at a story this year. And I guess to “prove” she could never “really love” anyone but Delphine. Maybe I’m wrong and there’s some other aspect but that’s my main memory of her.

There was no Alison today so instead, some favorite Helena lines:

“How many men are in the camp.” / “Approximately 11 million.”

“Sarah, I think you are institutionalized too.”

“Dirty Paul.” (Where was Helena in every Paul/Sarah scene I suffered in S1? I need her commentary.)

“I’m most wonderful.”

Dr. Coady isn’t my favorite villain (idk man just not vibing with her) but on paper she definitely works well. The fucked up mirror to Mrs. S. Truly another level of awful to train these boys to see her as BOTH “mom” AND superior officer--first off, it emphasizes how the military is their identity and purpose, such that any sort of family they have is caught up in that structure, but more importantly, it’s an Evil Villain Manipulation Move of the highest order: she doesn’t think of them as her children, there’s no evidence of that at all, but she knows that they’ll obey her better and be more loyal if they see her as mommy. Seeing Rudy kiss her on the cheek was so fucked up.

I’m like almost convincing myself to appreciate her? Idk, I’m not sure who I think the effective OB villains are. Leekie I guess is my favorite. I like the concept of Dyad but mostly when it’s fairly small. Gracie’s dad was pretty legit creepy. But I don’t find Rachel scary, and I don’t feel convinced of the whole ‘layer on layer on layer of corporation’ stuff. I mean, yeah, probably--but it feels like there’s a more effective way to show the all-encompassing power of a major corporation. I don’t know.

Excited to see more Alison, some information (finally) on those weird-ass log books and some rationale for why the male clones’ sperm seems to be deadly (??), and the resolution of some of these cliffhangers, in the next episode.

#the year 2021 #2021: orphan black #2021: fandom thoughts

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peterstestkitchen · 4 years ago

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Circus Peanut Peanut Butter

Rating: 5/5 ~ 16 votes

Time: 5 minutes (omnivore, unhealthy version), 7 minutes (vegan, unhealthy version), 1 hour (vegan, healthy version)

Every Thursday when I was a kid, my mom would plop me and my brother down at the local library for children’s storytime. When it was over and the head librarian had dismissed us, I would roam the library in order to gaze upon my favorite library things: the model ships, the strange YA cartoon books, and the aisle where every book had a blue sticker of a man smoking a pipe. When mom showed up again and it was time to go, a video cassette—the Star Trek episode, “The Trouble with Tribbles,” usually—was clasped between my grubby paws. In my brother’s, the latest installment in the Hank the Cowdog children’s book series. Ahh… just thinking about the VHS section and I can smell the polypropylene-imbued air sure to be found when in close proximity to the clamshell case palisade!

Come spring, a box of circus tickets would appear on the library counter suspiciously close to the checkout machine. The circus was coming to town! ...And our parents would never let us go. ...Until the day they did.

In truth, I don’t remember much from the circus. It wasn’t in a tent, it was in the town’s hockey arena—and poodles took the place of elephants. In fact, I didn’t even eat circus peanuts while there! Get this, my dad bought a box of Cracker Jacks—for himself! However, this was the genesis of my love affair with the circus. Sorry, honey. There’s someone else… and his name is Barry Lubin! (Barry Lubin is a famous clown.)

Fast forward to the near present and after getting the quarantine spring jibblies, I finally snapped and declared, “If I can’t go to the circus, well, in fact, I’ll bring the circus to me!” (Side note: still to this very day I have only been to the circus once. It’s more about having the feeling that I could go to a circus if I wanted to, rather than the feeling of being barred from a yearly ritual. After all, circuses are generally banal and raise many animal treatment issues. Again, it’s the romanticized circus I like. The Idea of Circus.) So I decided to acquire some circus peanuts, having never actually tried them before.

“So, from where did circus peanuts first appear, even?” you ask. Well, it appears no one knows. They are believed to have come onto the confectionary colosseum sometime in the 1800s, making them one of the oldest continuously produced candies. Well, I shouldn’t say continuously produced, as they originally were a seasonal treat before better packaging techniques were invented! Thank you, science! :) My best guess is that they originated as an ersatz peanut product, similar to how the hazelnut was used as a filler with which to cut chocolate products during a cocoa scarcity in Italy during WWII. (More talk about hazelnut spreads below!) Whatever the case, this homemade recipe is on scale! :) Okay, so back to business.

Acquiring circus peanuts in quarantine was a bit harder than expected. Every store I visited was sold out: Fleet Farm, Walgreens, Kwik Trip—all out! Alas, toilet paper wasn’t the only thing people were snatching up! Curse you, omnivores! (Side note: lest we forget this pandemic would have never happened had the world been vegan. I don’t think it’s wrong of me to suggest that everyone who consumes animal products from factory farms should have to pay the unemployed vegans an extra $600 a month. Why should I, a humble plant eater, pay for the mess of the omnivores yet again? Stop eating meat, y’all! Factually stated, 41% of all land in the United States is used for livestock! What a fuckin’ waste! And excusez mon français!)

So instead of continuing on a wild goose chase to find these golden eggs, I decided to take a radical approach and make my own circus peanuts. (Plus, I found out after Googling around that circus peanuts aren’t even vegan! For shame!) This is where things start to get a little tricky. You see, I’m a bit of a health nut. Well, maybe a little more than a bit of one... I may be a full-on health peanut! Peanuts like me would never eat something so processed anyway... But who’s to say I can’t have a taste of the circus in a healthy, vegan way? Why not make homemade circus peanut peanut butter? And better yet, why not use duckweed as a base instead of circus peanuts? You get all the goodness of the circus but in a spreadable way with all the health benefits of the most nutrient dense plant known to humanity. For yumzeez! :)

World’s healthiest food

For those who only know duckweed from smelly retention ponds, duckweed (also known as water lentils) is actually a great food for humans. It has more protein than soy, has many antioxidants, and is a natural source of B12. Get this, the bacteria that make B12 grow in a symbiotic relationship with the plant! Question: How neat is that? Answer: That’s pretty neat! And by the way, omnis, B12 comes from bacteria in the dirt that vegan animals eat. Given that most cows and chickens eat feed that’s been washed, these animals too have to be given vitamins—the meat you eat is trash :)

So I finnicked for a long time to get the duckweed circus peanut peanut butter spread consistency right (we’ll save that process for a different post!), bought some peanut-shaped molds from eBay, found some food coloring in the back of the cabinet, and I was off to the races! Err, Circus! I had done it! I had made circus peanut peanut butter! Granted, it tasted more like an artificially flavored banana salad than candy, but it’s the thought that counts!

So… days go by and I get tested and find out I don’t have the coronavirus. Yipee! Time to see my folks! ...But I couldn’t serve that to my family. They’d think I’d lost my marbles! So instead, I came up with a more palatable, albeit less healthy, option. Instead of duckweed, I would use Trader Joe’s brand vegan marshmallows, dye them to the proper color, and mold them in shape. Then I could serve my folks organic, gluten free, non-GMO circus peanuts, or I could blend them to make totally delicious circus peanut peanut butter. Then maybe make a circus-y themed fluffernutter? Mmmmm!

And there’s even an option for the omnis among us: get real circus peanuts and follow the same procedure. (Just know if you do that, the gelatin you’ll be consuming will be from the bones, skin, and hooves of dozens of different cows or pigs.) For simplicity’s sake and also because I am collaborating with an omni for this post, we ended up going with regular circus peanuts. She had already purchased the circus peanuts before I could alert her that it had to be vegan. My bad! :^O “’Tis better to use the food you have than to let it go to waste.” Plus, they were Spangler brand, the classic choice for circus peanuts!

Aforementioned, I called in the big guns: food stylist, chef, event planner, and artist, Kendal Kulley. Check her out on Instagram! She assisted me as we made her favorite sandwich with the addition of my favorite ingredient: the Circus Peanut Peanut Butter and Pudding and Chocolate Peanut Butter Sandwich! First, take lightly toasted Whole Wheat bread (100% whole wheat works best). Then, slather a thick layer of homemade circus peanut peanut butter followed by a smathering of lemon pudding (Snack pack brand is my favorite, lemon is her favorite flavor (within the Snack pack brand family)). Next, add a sprinkling of hemp hearts for a bit of protein and roughage—not to mention polyunsaturated fats!

After that, Kendal likes to add a squidge of chocolate flavored peanut butter or hazelnut spread to thicken the whole thing up. Please note that I do not condone the use of most flavored peanut butters or products like Nutella as they often contain palm oil, a cash crop leading to rainforest deforestation. The same goes for cocoa. Instead, I propose we continue to advocate that the UN apportion monies to residents of poorer rainforested countries so they can live comfortably and keep our biggest source of oxygen intact. I’m happy pitching in a handful of dollars every year if it means I can keep breathing clean air :)

Then, simply close it up and enjoy! Buuuuuuut, if you’re feeling really ambitious like we are, you can make… wait for it… a TRIPLE DECKER! Just repeat the process over again with a third slice and add it on top! YUM. Cut it in half and there you have it! A perfect guilt-free (provided you followed the vegan duckweed version and omitted the peanut butter and used a more hearty bread) lunch item! Bon appétit!

I hope you enjoy this recipe and let me know in the comments how it turned out! It shouldn’t take any more than five minutes if doing the omni method (grrrr!) and about one hour for the healthy vegan method. It makes one jar worth and will last three to five days in the refrigerator—but it never lasts that long! Oh, and if you do end up having sandwich leftovers, it works great for a morning hash! But again, I, for one, almost never have leftovers! :)

Peace!

Peter

Omnivore version (unhealthy):

Ingredients:

1 package Spangler brand circus peanuts

4 tbsp water

If making chunky, set aside one circus peanut to mince in a food processor or with a knife. In a large bowl, add the circus peanuts and water. Microwave for two minutes on high or until the circus peanuts have expanded to twice their size. Serve immediately or add to an airtight container.

Vegan version (unhealthy):

Ingredients:

1 package Trader Joe’s brand vegan marshmallows

4 tbsp water

2 drops natural banana flavor

4 drops orange food coloring

In a large bowl, add the marshmallows and water. Microwave for two minutes on high or until the marshmallows have expanded and softened. Mix in the food coloring and natural flavor and microwave for another minute. Add to mold and set sit until at room temperature. When fully set, add to Vitamix and blend until desired peanut butter consistency is achieved. Serve immediately or add to an airtight container.

Vegan version (healthy):

Ingredients:

6 cups fresh duckweed

4 tbsp flaxseed meal.

4 drops natural banana flavor

12-18 drops orange food coloring

If making homemade duckweed, follow these instructions and skip the next step. If collecting from a pond, read on. Preheat the oven to 300 degrees. In an Instant Pot or lesser pressure cooker, steam the duckweed for one minute on high pressure with the valve set to sealing. Do five minutes of natural pressure release. Blend in the Vitamix with food coloring, flaxseed meal, and banana flavor until it becomes a fine mush. Put in peanut mold. Place in the oven for 10 minutes, or until the peanuts have mostly dried out. Put back in the Vitamix and blend until you have the desired level of consistency. Serve immediately or add to an airtight container.

Captions:

Oh look! An ant wanted to join us! Hello, little ant!

Comments:

Feel free to email me your comments and I will add them below :)

OMG this looks so goooood!

Thanks for the post, Peter! I just wanna say that I too used to go to the circus with my family every year and loved it! I will try this recipe ASAP.

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millenniumeyebrow · 8 years ago

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I learned like a year ago that fluffernutters are supposedly just a new england thing and that's been hecking with me ever since then so pls reblog with where ur from and if u know what a fluffernutter is this is for science

#like I can understand other countries bc they are definitely a very American thing but like #you trying to tell me if I went to Colorado or Wyoming or some shit #and I said the word 'fluffernutter'#people would just look at me like I was nutters #or even if I just described what it was #do y'all have even have fluff or would I have to explain that too #I need answers I can't live like this

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presswoodterryryan · 4 months ago

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The Magic of Butterfly Metamorphosis Explained

By Alice Hey, adventurers! It’s Alice, and today, Ariel, Mr. Fluffernutter, and I are embarking on a tiny, fluttery adventure to uncover one of nature’s greatest transformations—the metamorphosis of a butterfly! We were outside watching a hungry little caterpillar munching on a leaf, when Ariel suddenly said, “Did you know that when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, its whole body breaks…

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salamanders-please · 8 years ago

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10 Facts About Me

Tagged by the lovely @mit-riko! <333 Thank you! Sorry it took me a month to reply to this. I have been in a deep slump, that I’m sort of just beginning to get out of.

1) Yes! Stuffed animals are love <3!!!! I still have several animals from childhood/when I was a teen. I’ve collected a couple new ones in recent years but they were all gifts. When I was a kid a slept with a giant stuffed dog called Fluffernutter that was probably the size of me XD. Now it’s just Rupert the teddy bear whom I’ve had since I was 14ish. He’s perfect hugging size. I am not dependent on stuffed animals to sleep, though and can do just fine without them, but if I don’t have a pillow to hug, I don’t really know what to do with my arm since I sleep on my side. I seem to manage somehow, though.

2) I don’t particularly like comedy as a genre. This doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy comedies or don’t have a sense of humor, but I almost never say “gee, I just want to read/watch something funny and silly.” I like drama and suspense and action way more. If there’s comedy mixed in, then that’s just an added bonus.

3) I’ve been playing video games since I was 3 years old. My first system was the SNES and my first game was Super Mario Bros. FF7 was my life for a long time, even though in retrospect I was probably too young to be playing it the first time I picked it up. I’m on the fence about a remake. My first Tales games was Symphonia, which oddly enough I didn’t fully appreciate the first time I played. I honestly am not sure why I played it a second time, but I did. And that’s how I stumbled onto other Tales games and fell in love with the franchise. I’ve now played Symphonia 5 times orz. (How did it come to this? It’s not even my fave). I still need to replay Abyss, to see if it’s still my fave because Berseria is a strong competitor.

4) I hate cooking. I’m slow at it, and there are a million things I’d rather be doing. I’m told that I’m good at it, but I’d still rather just have ready-to-eat food appear magically in front of me.

5) I have a really hard time watching movies by myself, no matter what the genre is. I don’t know what it is, but it’s like I can’t convince myself to just sit down and watch a single movie for a couple hours. I didn’t always use to be this way. Not sure what changed. I’m fine watching with other people, though.

6) I don’t cry often. So it always takes me by surprise if I tear up at something.

7) People consistently mistake me for being a teenager, or still in high school. I’m 26 XD

8) There was a time when I was literally addicted to League of Legends, no joke. Played it basically any free moment that I had. I was decent, I think. I’m an extremely competitive person, but I am not a rager, at least. I played mostly mid and support, but also some ADC. My faves to play were Zyra, Varus, Leona, Nami, and Ahri. I’ve stopped playing altogether. Occasionally I will join my friends for a game of Heroes of the Storm, though. I’m currently enjoying Li-ming, ETC, and Sylvanas.

9) I have ideas/characters for original stories, but excluding NaNoWriMo, I’ve never written them out since I was a kid. Partly, because I doubt people would even be interested in reading it. Also, I have one character whose name I’m still unsure of, and I’ve been undecided for a couple years now lol. I also feel like I need to catch up on my fanfic goals before I can touch anything else. I also feel like I write/type slowly.

10) I don’t have lofty career goals. I just wanna do science and be a cat mom.

Wow, that took longer and was harder than expected.

I’d like to tag @lordofspiritsandbazongas, @cyanide-candyx, @scarfblogs, @the-delivery-god, @ned993, @sharlovesyou, @shippy-things, @suitcasesoffeathers, @kwalayukine, and @thegirldownthelaine! I’m sorry if you’ve already done this, or if you want to do this and weren’t tagged. Or if you only wanna do 5 facts, you can do 5 facts. I’m bad at these things. If you see this consider yourself tagged! :)

#tag meme #aboutmeesh

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bluejello · 8 years ago

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Swan Queen Week Day 7: Creator’s Choice (Teacher AU)

Title: Of Microwaves and Dodgeballs Pairing: Swan Queen Rating: T Summary:

Emma’s goals for her new teaching position: -make friends: check -teach kids about physical education: check -make a difference in at least one kid’s life: check -run into an angry woman’s car and have her hate you but then fall for her anyway: check?

FF/AO3

Emma hummed along to the song on the radio as she drove down the pothole-filled road. It was her first day of teaching at Storybrooke High. While she was excited to finally be out of the elementary school from hell in Massachusetts, she was also nervous about adjusting to the small town life in Maine.

She saw the sign for the school up ahead and flicked on her turn signal. Just because she lived in Massachusetts for a year did not mean she adopted their horrendous driving skills (or lack thereof).

The road cleared and she turned into the driveway of the school, quickly locating the teacher parking lot. She found an open spot and pulled in, but noticed she was a little close to the white line on her side. She switched gears and slowly backed out, not seeing the black car trying to pass by until it was too late.

There was a slight crunch and a horn blasted, jolting Emma and causing her to slam on the brakes. She heard a car door slam and tentatively opened her own door.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Emma was startled by the abrasiveness of the voice, but put on a defensive face anyway. She grew up learning that if you didn’t fight back you’d get taken advantage of. “Trying to correct my parking job,” she said as she turned and faced her accuser.

A woman with shoulder-length brown hair stood by the tail end of Emma’s car, a furious expression on her face. A vein in her forehead was twitching but all Emma could focus on was the scar on her lip.

“Did they not teach you how to look before you back up in Massachusetts?” she asked, gesturing to the license plate that Emma still had yet to change. “Flatlander,” she muttered.

Emma took two strides towards her, getting within a foot of the woman. She looked down and noticed that her bug had a minuscule dent on the bumper, and her car— her Mercedes— didn’t even have a scratch.

“Look, your car isn’t even damaged, lady,” Emma pointed out.

“Rightfully so,” the woman replied, offset as she realized Emma was right. “Watch where you’re going next time.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Emma muttered sarcastically. The woman quickly got back into her car and drove off.

Emma took a moment to herself before hopping back in the bug and resuming her task of correcting her parking, making sure to check her back bumper again before walking into the school.

——

“If you continue down that hallway you’ll find the math classrooms, and then over that way are all of the science classrooms…”

Emma’s eyes followed where Principal Kathryn Nolan was pointing, taking in the size of the school. It was a lot smaller than the three she had attended.

Kathryn led them down a small staircase before opening a set of double doors. “And here’s your classroom!” She led them through the gymnasium and toward’s a side room that had a glass window between it and the gym. “That room there is Mr. Hood’s office, and yours…” She pointed down the wall towards the other set of double doors. “…is over there. Any questions?”

Emma shook her head. “I think I got it. Anything I need specifically related to P.E. can be answered by Mr. Hood, right?”

“Definitely,” Kathryn answered. “I am, unfortunately, a little rusty on my P.E. knowledge.” She smiled comfortingly. “I’ll leave you to him, then! Enjoy your first day here, Miss Swan.”

“Thanks,” Emma said, watching the blonde walk away for a moment before heading over to the athletic director’s office.

The door was already open so she wrapped her knuckles on the door frame to alert the man at the desk to her presence.

“Hello! You must be Emma Swan,” he said with a smile, standing up and offering his hand.

Emma shook it and smiled back. “Yeah, that’s me.”

Robin looked down at his desk, searching it with his eyes for a moment before locating a folder. “This is all the information you’ll need for the first few weeks here. You should be settled in by then. It’s not too difficult of a place.”

“Thanks,” Emma said as she took the folder, heading back to her office to prepare for the first class of the day.

——

“Everything going smoothly?” Robin asked as her fifth period class exited.

Emma smiled. “Yeah, so far so good.” And she meant it. He’d been right when he said it wasn’t a very difficult place.

At that moment a man walked into the room wearing a police uniform with a taser and walkie talkie strapped to his belt. He bellowed out from across the gym.

“Robin! Lu—Oh, sorry, am I interrupting?” the man said, walking up to them.

“You’re fine, Graham,” Robin said. He gestured to Emma. “Graham, this is Emma Swan, the new P.E. instructor. Miss Swan, this is Graham Humbert, our behavioral resource officer.”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Graham said. He turned to Robin. “Lunch?”

Robin shook his head. “Not today. I have to supervise a detention for an athlete.”

Graham frowned. “Damn.” He turned to Emma. “Lunch?”

Emma opened her mouth with surprise. “Uh— yeah, sure.” She turned to Robin. “I’ll be back for sixth period, then.”

“Don’t listen to everything he says,” Robin warned with a teasing grin sent towards Graham.

“I’ll try not to.”

——

“First thing’s first, rookie--” Graham said as they sat down.

Emma glared. “Don’t call me that.”

Graham gave a short laugh. He then pointed at her sandwich. “PB&J, I’m guessing?” Emma nodded. “You’re going to get real sick of those real fast. After a month of PB&Js, you’re never going to want to look at a jar of peanut butter ever again, so quit while you’re ahead.”

“But this is all I know how to make…” Emma muttered, looking at her lunch disdainfully.

“Take cooking classes, then. Or switch up sandwich types every day. You could have ham and cheese, salami and cheese, fluffernutter, bacon and eggs… the possibilities are endless— well, nearly endless.” He took out his own meal of leftover pasta and started digging in. “Second thing— if you’re going to work here, you’re going to need to know the ins and outs for both students and staff. The ‘do’s and the ‘don’t’s. ”

“Well I already crossed the ‘don’t’ line with one lady today,” Emma grumbled.

Graham gave her a look. “Already?” He laughed. “As long as it wasn’t Regina Mills’ bad side you got on, you’ll be fine. Everyone else is pretty good with the concept of forgive and forget. Regina, though… she holds grudges.” He cleared his throat and pointed at a short, bearded man sitting by himself at the corner table, glaring around the room. “See that man over there?”

“Yeah…”

“That’s Leroy. He’s the janitor. Bit of a grumpy man, but he’ll also stick up for you in times of trouble, especially if you stay on his good side.”

Emma watched as another teacher nearly fled after getting stared down by the grumpy janitor. “How do you even get on his good side?”

“Alcohol,” Graham stated bluntly. “A group of us go out to drinks every other Friday. You should join us some time.”

“I’ll consider it,” Emma said. It would be good for her to make some friends here.

“See that girl over there by the window reading?” Graham asked, pointing to a woman a few feet from Leroy’s spot. “That’s Belle. She’s the librarian. Quiet lass, she is. She has a twin, Lacey, who works at the bar we go to on Fridays. Lacey is nothing like her sister, though. She’s all fiery temper and she has a great ass and is… sexy as hell.”

Emma snorted. “Typical male,” she muttered.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Graham asked.

Emma shrugged. “I’m just saying— males are always focused on the sexual, physical aspects of females. It’s never about their interests and hobbies, or favorite color, or anything like that. It’s always about pretty faces and big tits and asses.”

Graham looked almost offended. “Hey, not all men—”

“Cut it there, Officer,” Emma warned. “It’s that kind of attitude that would make sure you never get into bed with a girl like Lacey.”

“That’s not the only thing keeping me from her bed,” Graham muttered, though the corners of his mouth twitched upward into an almost smirk. Emma gave him a look. “There’s actually a good story behind how we all found out about it. I’ll have to tell you sometime.”

Emma furrowed her eyebrows. “Graham—”

“She’s gay,” Graham interrupted.

It was Emma’s turn to smirk now. “Well one of us has a chance, then.”

Graham turned to her with a puzzled expression. “Are you…?”

Emma nodded. “Yep. Gay as a flaming unicorn on a rainbow.” She smirked again. “There’s a funny story behind how I realized that. I’ll have to tell you sometime,” she said, echoing his earlier words.

“Funny story behind what?” a new voice asked as two lunch bags were set down on the table across from Emma and Graham.

Emma looked up at the new visitors. The woman who had spoken had long, straight brown hair with a red streak in it. Emma was jealous of how well the woman pulled off the bright red lipstick she was wearing to match the hair. Next to her was a petite brunette with a pixie cut.

“Ruby,” the woman with the red streak said, flashing a bright smile and sticking her hand out. “Ruby Lucas,” she finished as Emma shook her hand. Ruby jutted a finger at the petite brunette next to her. “I’m her student teacher.”

“Mary Margaret Blanchard,” the other woman greeted. “I teach the home economics classes. You must be the new P.E. teacher!”

“Emma Swan,” Emma replied with a nod. “It’s good to meet you guys.”

“Same,” Ruby replied with a genuine smile. “So, what’s the funny story you were just talking about?” she asked as she took out her lunch.

Emma shrugged nonchalantly as she took another bite of her sandwich. “The story of me coming out.”

Ruby’s grin widened. “Ooh, do tell.”

Just as Emma opened up her mouth to talk, the door to the faculty lounge opened and silence descended on the room. Emma’s eyes widened as green eyes met brown: It was the woman whose car she hit. She gave Emma a stone cold glare before turning and walking towards the microwave.

Conversations started up once more. Ruby leaned forward. “I heard some sucker hit her car this morning in the parking lot,” she said in a fashion that reminded Emma a little too much of high school gossip. “I feel bad for whoever did it.”

Graham noticed Emma’s sheepish face. “Your incident this morning didn’t involve her, did it?”

Emma nodded somewhat shyly. “It may have been me…” Three pairs of eyes widened at the table. “But it was an accident! Besides, my car was the only one hurt!” She looked over at the brunette whose back was still turned away. “Who is she, anyway?”

Graham looked over and smiled. “That’s Regina Mills.”

“You mean… the woman you said holds grudges?”

Graham gave a short laugh. “Oh yeah. She teaches the business classes and AP Statistics. She’s feared by teachers and students alike,” he said with a laugh.

Emma raised an eyebrow. “Except you, I take it?”

“Yep,” Graham affirmed with a cocky grin.

“Graham’s never really been afraid of Regina,” Ruby said with a sly smile. “But then again, it’s hard to be afraid of someone after you sleep with them a few dozen times.”

Emma narrowed her eyes at him. “Are you two… together?”

Graham blushed slightly and shook his head. “No.” He took a bite of his food and swallowed. “Not anymore, at least. We had a little… fling… when I first started working here a couple of years ago. It ended midway through the last school year.”

“Why’d you end it?”

“She realized she—” He stopped abruptly. “I’m not actually sure I’m allowed to share that…”

“What?” Emma asked curiously.

“No, I can’t.”

“Who am I going to tell? I’m the new girl. You guys are the only ones I really know!” Emma insisted. Graham shook his head.

Now Ruby and Mary Margaret were curious, too. “You can’t just start saying something and then take it back!” Ruby exclaimed.

Graham gave her a look. “I shouldn’t have even started telling you guys. Just… let it go.”

“Does she have an STD?” Emma guessed.

Graham choked on his drink. “What? No!”

“Is she dying?” Mary Margaret asked quietly, her eyes big with worry.

“No! Guys—”

“Is she secretly married?”

“Ruby, I swear to—” Graham stopped and rubbed his face with his hand. “It’s not bad, I promise. But it’s not my place to tell. If she wants you to know, she’ll tell you. Okay?”

“Fine,” Ruby grumbled. She poked at her meatloaf, which looked less than edible. “I’m going to see if Granny will make me something good to eat,” she announced, standing up and packing up her stuff. “I’ll see you back in the room next period,” she told Mary Margaret. “It was nice to meet you, Emma!” she flashed a dazzling smile at the blonde. “Bye!”

“Bye,” the other three echoed as the tall brunette walked out the door.

“Who’s Granny?” Emma asked.

“The head cook,” Mary Margaret said, “and, coincidentally, Ruby’s grandmother. Everyone calls her Granny, though. She makes really good lasagna on Fridays. You should try it some time.” She looked at the clock started packing up her stuff. “I almost forgot— I have to go and meet with a student before lunch ends. I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah, sure,” Emma said, waving to her as she left. She turned to Graham. “They seem friendly enough.”

“They’re a couple of good people,” Graham agreed. “Ruby gets a little carried away with gossip sometimes and Mary Margaret thinks she’s a saint and can’t keep a secret to save a life, but overall they’re good.”

They ate the rest of their lunch in silence. It was when they were headed out the door that the silence was disrupted.

“Officer Humbert!” a student called out as she burst through the door. “There’s a fight in B hallway—”

Graham nodded. “On it,” he said, jogging towards the hallway. Emma noticed the rest of the teachers seemed to be following him, so she went along as well.

When she got there, Graham had already pried one boy away and was holding him away from whomever he was attacking. Emma noticed the boy was rather small for a high schooler.

Kathryn pushed through the crowd and sighed at the sight of the small boy. “I thought we went over this—”

“Henry?” a new voice interjected. Emma saw Regina step up beside Kathryn and move towards the small boy. She touched his face in a manner that seemed a little too familiar for a teacher.

The small boy, Henry, pushed her hands away. “Get off me!” He backed away from her with a glare that could rival Leroy’s, but not quite rival Regina’s. Emma noticed a hurt look flash across Regina’s face.

Meanwhile, Kathryn had helped the other boy stand. Emma noticed he had a bloodied lip and his eye was bruising.

Kathryn gestured with my hand. “To my office, boys.”

Graham went with Kathryn and the boys, keeping himself near Henry. The bell rang and the rest of the crowd dispersed, with some students grumbling about how the fight ended too quickly and others recounting the event with excitement. The hallway had cleared except for Emma and Regina, who still had a hurt look on her face.

Emma slowly walked up to her. “Hey, you okay? Do you… want to talk?” she offered, unsure of what to say to the woman who clearly was upset but also clearly disliked (or maybe even hated) Emma.

Regina looked up and, for a brief moment, Emma saw anguish in her eyes, but the look was soon replaced with Regina’s usual hard glare. “You should go supervise your class, Miss Swan,” she said, pushing past Emma and leaving her alone in the hallway.

——

“You are free to go see Mr. Whale, Nicholas,” Kathryn said. The boy nodded and held a hand tentatively to his tender, still bleeding lip as he left her office. Kathryn turned her attention to the other boy seated across from her. “Henry… it’s the first day of school. Last year you promised--”

The boy let his guard down and heaved a big sigh. “I know I promised I wouldn’t fight. But… I couldn’t help it. Nicholas—”

“It doesn’t matter what Nicholas did, lad,” Graham interrupted. “You shouldn’t have resorted to fighting like you did. Your mother—”

“I don’t care about my mother,” Henry snarled.

“Don’t say that, Henry,” Kathryn chastised. She hated hearing him talk about her best friend like that. “She loves you—”

“No she doesn’t!” Henry interjected. “She doesn’t care about anything! Have you ever even seen her love something? It’s not possible!”

“Yes it is, Henry,” Kathryn said softly. “I’ve known your mother for a long time. She loved your father very much. And she has loved you since before you were even born, and she will continue to love you for as long as she lives.”

Henry shifted in his seat. “No she won’t. I’m only a disappointment to her. She said it herself,” he muttered.

“She didn’t say you were a disappointment. She said she was disappointed in your actions,” Graham said, “and you know it was because you got into another fight right after the incident with August.”

Henry become somber at the mention of the other boy. “It was an accident…”

“It doesn’t matter, Henry. You can’t keep doing this,” Kathryn said softly. She went over to a file cabinet and pulled out a rather thick manila folder and placed it on her desk. She flipped through until she found the page she was looking for and gave a soft sigh. “This is your fifth fight in the past year, Henry. I don’t know how to convince you to stop. I’ve given you detentions, in school suspensions, out of school suspensions… the next step is expulsion, Henry. I technically should’ve already expelled you, but I didn’t because I know you’re a good student. I know you can do better.” She sighed again. “I’ll let you off with a two week suspension Henry. But I will warn you— if I see you in my office again for another fight, I will have no choice but to expel you.”

“Yes, Principal Midas,” Henry said softly.

“I also want you to stop by Hopper’s office twice a week and talk to him. Maybe he can help you sort through… everything.” She exchanged a look with Henry and he understood what she meant.

“Okay,” he replied in the same soft voice.

“Okay,” she replied with a small smile. “You can go to your afternoon classes, but I want you back in my office at 3:00 when the bell rings. I’ll need to talk with you and your mother.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know the drill,” he huffed as he stood up and walked out.

As soon as the door shut, Graham released a deep breath. “Regina’s going to be furious.”

“She has a right to be,” Kathryn said, running a hand through her hair. “God this is all just so…”

“Fucked up?” Graham offered with a short laugh. “It definitely is. At least Nicholas is okay. Henry might be in worse shape than he is— emotionally, that is.”

“And Regina’s not going to be much better at this point,” Kathryn said sadly.

“Do you want me here after school for the lad and Regina?”

Kathryn nodded. “It might be for the best.” She swiveled in her chair, facing him directly. Her phone started to ring, and Graham took that as his sign to leave. “I’ll see you at three.”

——

The last school bell of the day rang and Emma put all of the equipment back into the storage locker. She had just tucked in the last basketball when she realized it was 3:28 and she had a follow up meeting with the principal at 3:30.

She rushed through the halls to the office. As she rounded the corner to the entrance to the front office section, she saw the boy from earlier— Henry— rushing out of the room and slamming the front doors open, stomping through as he left the building.

Emma continued into the front office, noting that the principal’s office door was open, and Regina was sitting in a chair in front of Kathryn’s desk, slumped over with her head in her hands. Graham was standing by and had a hand on her shoulder. He glanced over and noticed Emma, his eyes widening as he quickly murmured something to the other two women in the room. Regina sat up rigidly before standing and smoothing down her dress. Kathryn stood and placed a hand comfortingly on Regina’s arm as she said something. Regina nodded stiffly before running her hands down her dress and turning quickly on her heel.

“Hey,” Emma said weakly as Regina passed.

“Miss Swan,” she greeted stoically without looking at her as she passed by. Emma noted the puffy eyes and red cheeks, but said nothing, instead turning back towards Kathryn’s office.

Graham gave her a kind nod and an uncomfortable smile as she walked in. “Emma.” He looked back at Kathryn, who was still standing by the chair Regina had just vacated. “Tomorrow, then?”

Kathryn nodded, and Graham exited, closing the door behind him. “Please, have a seat,” Kathryn said, gesturing towards the chair.

Emma did so, shifting uncomfortably as Kathryn stood there for a moment longer, releasing a deep breath before walking behind her desk and taking a seat.

“So,” Kathryn said as she settled back down. “How was your first day?”

——

It had been a month since her first day and Emma was loving her new job. The kids were great, her coworkers were fun— well, most of her coworkers were fun. Regina still wouldn’t spare her even a passing glance.

Emma didn’t mind, though. She was happy to have friends to sit with at lunch, to go out to the bar with on Friday nights, and to… listen to them complain about their love life.

“I’m telling you, I did everything right,” Graham said. “I held the door open for her, I bought her flowers, I paid for the meal, I walked her to her door— we kissed! Why won’t she text me back?” He plopped his head onto his hand, moping as he moved his food around with his fork with his other hand.

Emma scoffed at him. “Get a grip, Graham,” she said as she unwrapped her sandwich—a BLT— and picked up one half. “You sound like a teenage girl.”

“Did I wait too long to text her?” Graham asked, continuing as if she hadn’t said anything. “Three days is the right amount of time… right?”

“Dude, that rule is the dumbest thing ever,” Emma said with her mouth half full. “Text her when you want. Don’t wait because your dude bros told you to. It makes it seem like you care less if you wait that long.”

Graham looked up at her. “It does?” He slumped back in his seat. “Shoot. I guess it is my fault.”

Emma shook her head. “I swear, Graham… How in the hell did you manage to work out a relationship with Regina if you can’t even text a girl in a timely fashion?”

Graham laughed at that. “You know that’s a pretty good question.”

“No wonder she dumped you,” Emma joked.

“Okay, no, she didn’t dump me because of me,” Graham said. “She had her reasons, and while I was technically one of them, I also wasn’t.”

Emma’s forehead creased and she shook her head. “What does that even mean?!”

Before Graham could answer the door to the faculty lounge swung open and the woman in question appeared, marching over regally to the microwave. She stopped as she noticed the sign on it saying that it was broken. Regina huffed and looked down at her tupperware container.

“Shit,” Graham murmured. “She doesn’t like it when her schedule is disrupted.” At Emma’s look he added, “She always uses that microwave for her food. Her lasagna’s not as good when it’s cold.”

“I have a microwave in my office that works,” Emma said. She glanced back at the brunette. “Should I go offer it?”

Graham shrugged. “It might actually get you on her neutral side.”

Emma sat back in her chair. “Or maybe I’ll let her suffer like she’s let me suffer.”

Graham rolled his eyes. “Now who’s acting like a teenager?” He glanced behind Emma and gave a wave. “Regina!” He gestured towards them.

“Yes, Officer?” she asked, pointedly not looking at Emma.

“Couldn’t help but notice the microwave is having issues,” Graham said.

“Your point being?”

Graham looked at Emma, raising an eyebrow at her. She glared back at him. He gave her a look and she sighed, looking up at Regina.

“I have a microwave in my office,” Emma said stiffly. “You can use it if you’d like.”

Regina seemed surprised by the offer. “Thank you, Miss Swan.”

“Door’s unlocked,” Emma said.

“You keep your office door unlocked when you’re not there?”

Aaaand there it was. “Yeah? What are they going to steal? My instruction booklets on thigh stretches?”

Graham snickered at that, and Emma noticed that Regina’s face turned a little pink.

“Right,” Regina said quietly. She turned and walked out of the lounge without another word.

When Emma got back to her office after lunch, she noticed a little sticky note attached to the microwave.

Thank you again, Miss Swan. And don’t worry— I didn’t steal any ‘thigh stretch’ booklets from you. At least not today.

——

Another two weeks had passed since the microwave incident. The incident that had sparked Emma’s imagination into wondering what the hell Regina meant by her note.

She was so distracted in her thoughts she didn’t hear the shouts or see the dodgeball coming towards her until it was too late. The ball slammed into the side of her face, knocking her slightly off balance.

“I’m so sorry, Miss Swan!”

Emma rubbed her face and looked over to the apologizer. It was Henry Mills, looking absolutely terrified as he looked at what she could imagine was a very nasty looking welt on the side of her face.

“Great job, dumbass!” another boy in the class said with a smirk. Emma noticed how Henry cringed at the sound of his voice.

“Can it, Peter,” Emma responded. The bell rang at that moment. “Alright, guys, get going. I’ll be fine. I’ve had worse,” she said with a smile. The class started to disperse. “Henry, can I talk to you for a moment?”

Henry nodded, standing by quietly and ignoring the taunts from Peter as he grabbed his stuff and left. “I’m really sorry, Miss Swan,” he said quietly.

“Trust me, Henry, I’m not worried about this,” Emma said, gesturing to her face. “Come with me to my office.” She led him in there, where she grabbed an ice pack from the freezer before plopping down at her chair. “Take a seat, kid.”

He dutifully sat down, his leg jiggling nervously as he stared down at his hands in his lap.

“Are you… having problems, kid?” Emma asked tentatively.

He shook his head. “No. I’ve never really been that good at sports. My mom tried to get me to play baseball when I was a kid but I couldn’t throw straight so I quit—”

“Not with sports,” Emma interrupted, briefly imagining stoic Regina playing catch in the yard with a smaller version of Henry. “With Peter.”

Henry immediately tensed. “…No. He’s just like that to everyone.”

“Is he?”

The teen took a breath and shook his head. “He hates me because of my mom. She was failing him and he got kicked off the baseball team freshman year.”

“As an athlete, he should know to keep his grades up,” Emma pointed out. “And there’s no reason to blame you for what is ultimately his fault.”

Henry shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

“If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here,” Emma said sincerely.

“Thanks,” he said with a small smile. He glanced at the clock. “Would it be okay if I stayed here for lunch? That’s when he usually…”

Emma nodded. “Absolutely. And if he asks, just tell him I gave you detention or something.”

He gave her a look that looked too much like Regina. “Would you actually give a kid detention for hitting you with a dodgeball?”

“No,” Emma said honestly, “but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right?”

Henry grinned. “Right.”

——

Emma was packing up her bag at the end of the day, getting ready to head back to her apartment, when the door to her office flew open with a bang. She jumped a bit and looked up to see Regina standing there with a new and much more fierce form of rage on her face.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Going home?” Emma said as she started to feel her defensive stance come up. “Do you have a problem with that?”

Regina slammed her hands on the desk and put her face right up on Emma’s. “I have a problem with you giving my son a detention for no damn reason.”

“No damn reason?” Emma countered. She could tell the truth, but Regina’s anger has now added to Emma’s own. “He threw a dodgeball at my head.”

“Maybe if you had paid attention you wouldn’t have been hit,” the brunette snarled back. “Do your job and this wouldn’t happen.”

“Why don’t you do your job and pay attention to your son for once?”

Regina was taken aback by that comment. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Emma stood back and ran a hand over her face. “Look, he’s having a rough time with another student. I just gave him a place where he could get away from it.” She looked back over at Regina, her voice softening. “It wasn’t a real detention. He’s not a bad kid, Regina.”

“I know,” she said quietly. “He hasn’t said anything about… struggling.”

Emma looked across at her. “Regina… it’s not your fa—”

“I will see you tomorrow, Miss Swan,” she interrupted, turning and marching swiftly out the door before Emma could say anything.

——

“You told my mom about Peter,” Henry muttered in her office two days later.

Emma didn’t know how to react to the confrontation. “I… I said what I needed to after she came in and yelled at me for giving you detention. I know it wasn’t my place to tell her about your issues—”

“It wasn’t,” Henry interrupted. “But… I understand why.” He pulled out his lunch and started to settle in.

Emma pulled out her own. “Did she talk to you about it?”

“A little,” he said. “She doesn’t really know what to do. I told her I’ve been talking to Dr. Hopper about it.”

“That’s good,” Emma said. “That’s really good. It’s progress.”

Henry shrugged. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

Emma leaned forward and placed her hand on his arm. “She’s trying, Henry.”

Henry thought about it before giving a small smile. “Yeah, I guess she is.”

——

“You headed out soon?” Robin asked as he locked up his door.

Emma shook her head as she continued to stretch. “Nah, I figured I’d stick around and use the free weights while I can.”

Robin chuckled. “Understandable. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“See you,” Emma said with a brief wave as she bent forward to touch her toes. She looked at the clock and noticed it was already 5:00— most teachers would be gone by now. She shrugged off her shirt, leaving just a sports bra and her spandex pants. No one would be around, anyway, and if there were people there certainly weren’t any students.

She finished up her stretching and walked over to the weights, picking one up and beginning her workout. She was just finishing up and putting the equipment away when she heard the clack of heels echoing across the gym floor.

Locking up the weight room, Emma turned and wiped her towel across her face, trying to at least pretend to look presentable as the brunette walked over to her.

“Hey, Regina,” she greeted breathlessly.

Regina paused in her steps, drawing her gaze down across Emma’s body. Emma started to feel self conscious and wrapped the towel around her shoulders, holding it so her arms blocked off part of her body.

“Miss Swan,” Regina finally greeted, her eyes snapping back up to meet Emma’s. “What are you still doing here?”

“Working out,” Emma said, gesturing to her sweaty and athletic-wear-clad body.

Regina glanced down again, her lips opening minutely. Emma saw the slightest twitch of an eyebrow as Regina’s eyes locked onto her abs before looking back up at Emma. “I can see that.”

There was an awkward pause. “Did you… need something?” Emma asked uncertainly.

“I was simply wondering if Henry was here,” Regina said. “He wasn’t in the library, where he usually is after school, and I didn’t know if he decided to come and join you again.” She shifted uncomfortably. “I can see that he is not, so I will go check… elsewhere.”

“Sure,” Emma said, not sure what she was agreeing to. “Sorry I couldn’t have been more help.”

Regina plastered a fake smile on her face. “No worries, Miss Swan. I will see you tomorrow.” With that, she turned around sharply and walked out of the gym, leaving Emma to wonder what the hell just happened.

——

Emma was sitting at lunch again with Graham, and this time Ruby had joined them.

“Did you hear about Mary-Margaret and David?” Ruby asked with a sly grin.

Graham’s eyes widened. “No, what?”

“Wait— who’s David?” Emma asked.

Ruby looked around quickly before leaning in. “David’s Principal Midas’ ex-husband. Their divorce was fine— no harsh feelings on either side— but Leroy said that he overheard Belle telling Archie that she found them messing around in the art closet the other day after hours…”

“No!” Graham whispered in shock.

Ruby nodded. “Oh yeah. Belle’s been avoiding them ever since.”

The door to the lounge opened up at that moment and Regina strutted in with her usual grace. She looked over and caught eyes with Emma, giving her a small, polite smile before continuing over to the microwave.

“Did she just… did she just smile at you?” Ruby asked.

Emma shrugged. “Yeah, what’s the big deal?”

“She never smiles at anyone, unless it’s a ‘I’m going to destroy your happiness’ kind of smile,” Ruby said with a glance towards the brunette still standing by the microwave.

Emma snorted. “She’s not some… evil queen, you know.” She gave another shrug. “She’s just… human, like the rest of us.”

Ruby raised her eyebrows at that, before her eyes widened and a grin split her face. She let out a laugh before covering her mouth.

“What?” Emma asked, getting insulted on Regina’s behalf. “You don’t think she has feelings like the rest of us?”

“Oh, no, nothing like that,” Ruby said, shaking her head. She leaned forward. “You totally like her!”

Graham shifted uncomfortably in his seat, clearing his throat and looking everywhere but at the two of them.

“I do not!” Emma said. “She’s… well, I guess we’re… really good acquaintances? Maybe friends?”

“Girlfriends,” Ruby said with a little cackle. “You guys are totally—”

“Who are girlfriends?” a deep voice asked from behind Emma. She turned to see Regina standing there with her fresh-out-of-the-microwave lunch.

“Uh— nobody,” Emma said unconvincingly.

Regina raised an eyebrow at her. “Is that so?”

“Lacey!” Ruby intercepted. “Uh, yeah! Lacey, you know, from the bar? She and Emma are totally like…” She interlocked her fingers. “Tight. Yep. Totally made for each other.”

Emma shook her head at the younger woman. “What…?”

“I wasn’t aware you were into the fairer sex, Miss Swan,” Regina said darkly, her eyes trained on Emma’s.

“Are you kidding?” Ruby snorted. “She’s as gay as they come.”

“Thanks, Rubes,” Emma muttered.

“Well,” Regina said coolly. “You could do much better than Lacey, my dear.” She turned and left the room without another word.

All three of the people sitting at the table stared at the door that she just exited out of.

“Did she just… come on to me?” Emma asked.

Ruby laughed. “Yep.” She sighed and went back to her lunch. “You know, if I didn’t know Mills better, I’d say she was crushing hard on you.”

Emma continued to stare at the door for a moment longer. “Yeah,” she said quietly. “Me, too.”

——

It was Friday night and the bar was slower than usual. Ruby and Graham were finishing up a game of pool at one end, while Emma sat by herself at the bar, nursing the third beer she’d had since they arrived.

“Need anything stronger?”

Emma looked up to see Lacey standing behind the bar, drying off a glass. Emma shook her head. “Nah, not tonight.”

“Love problems?” the bartender asked.

“How…?”

Lacey gave a comforting smile. “When you’ve been bartending as long as I have, you’ve seen it all.”

Emma tilted her head in acknowledgement. She took another sip of her beer. “I’m just… falling for straight girls. You know how it is.”

“Oh don’t I,” Lacey said with a roll of her eyes. “I hate it so much, because by the time you find out there’s no way you have a chance… you’re already too far gone.”

Emma nodded her head in agreement. “Yep.” She slumped down a little, resting her head on one of her hands. “I just… she’s really pretty? And her son is awesome and I think we could totally have a cute little family…”

Lacey gave a little chuckle. “Yep. You’ve got it bad.” She wiped down the counter next to Emma. “My advice? Distance yourself while you can, before you get too deep.”

Emma swirled her drink around, watching the beer rush in circles. “I might already be too deep.”

——

Emma heard a familiar voice shouting on the other end of the gym. She looked over to see Regina standing tensely in front of Robin. Emma tried to ignore them as she kept cleaning up the equipment left behind from the school day. It became difficult, however, when Regina’s voiced raised and started echoing around the gymnasium.

“I have told you on multiple occasions that I am not interested—”

“And you still have yet to give me a reasonable answer!” Robin retorted. “I know your type, Regina. I know of your past relationship with Officer Graham—”

“Which, may I remind you, is none of your business,” she snarled back at him.

Robin sighed loudly. “Regina, come on— one date. I’ll pay for everything. I promise it’ll be the best night—”

“I highly doubt that,” Regina interrupted. She took a deep breath and let it out, calming herself down internally. When she spoke again, Emma had to strain to hear her. “Look, if it was a different time in my life, I would probably accept the offer. But since I can guarantee nothing’s going to come of it—”

Robin interrupted her this time. “Seriously?” Now his voice was raised. “You basically just admitted we would work together!”

“In the past, yes. Perhaps. But not now!”

“Why the hell not?” he yelled.

“Because I’m gay!”

Silence descended in the gymnasium. Emma stopped in her tracks and dropped the basketball that was in her hand. The noise grabbed the attentions of the feuding duo at the other end of the gym. Emma watched as Regina’s features quickly morphed into something Emma couldn’t quite figure out before Regina turned on a heel and marched out of the room.

Robin stood still for a few minutes before retreating into his office, muttering to himself and shaking his head.

Emma stood stunned for a minute before going back to grab the basketball she dropped. She held onto it, staring at the ball but not focusing on it as her thoughts jumbled up in her brain.

Gay? As in… likes girls? As in… prefers to be in relationships with girls…

I’m a girl. I like girls. I like Regina, specifically. But do I even stand a chance with her?

Why had she kept it a secret all this time?

A voice interrupted Emma’s thoughts. “Hey, Emma! You ready yet?” Graham came up to Emma and noticed her expression. “You okay?”

Emma lifted her gaze to meet his. “She’s… she’s gay?”

Graham’s eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly. “She told you?”

“Not… exactly…” Emma trailed off. “Wait, how do you know? When were you going to tell me?”

“I told you, it’s not my place to tell.”

Emma remembered their conversation from her first day. “That’s the reason you two broke up?”

Graham nodded. “Yeah. She was wondering why we weren’t connecting the way she thought we should have and she realized her sexuality wasn’t what she thought it was.”

“So she’s gay gay?”

Graham sighed. “Yes, Emma, she’s gay gay, whatever that means. She likes ladies as much as I like ladies.”

“And as much as I like ladies,” Emma said softly.

“You got it so bad,” Graham said, shaking his head with a smile.

She nodded. “Yeah, yeah. I do.” She smiled. “But at least now I know I have a chance.”

——

She was sitting in her office the next morning when she heard a soft knock on the door. She looked up and saw Regina standing there.

“Hi,” Emma said with a smile.

Regina let out a breath. “Hello, Miss Swan.” She stood there awkwardly in the doorway.

“C’mon in,” Emma said, standing up and walking to the other side of her desk before leaning back on it, her legs crossed at her ankles.

Regina took a step in, her hands still stuffed deep into the pockets of her jacket. She pointedly looked everywhere but at Emma.

“What can I do for you?” Emma prompted, feeling the tension in the other woman seep into her.

“I…” Regina paused. “I want to talk about what you… may have overheard yesterday afternoon.” She took her hands out of her pockets and started to intertwine them nervously in front of her stomach. “I’m not… usually so… blasé about my…” She coughed before finally looking up to meet Emma’s eyes. “I just would prefer that you kept that information to yourself.”

Emma nodded. “Of course. I’m not going to out you, if that’s what you’re worried about. Trust me, I know what it’s like to be forced into saying something you’re not ready to say yet.” She stood up straight. “But… if you don’t mind me saying—”

“I do mind, Miss Swan,” Regina interrupted, crossing her arms over her chest and putting up her usual defensive mask. “My sexuality is of no concern to anyone, nor do I need any so-called advice from you.”

Her words hit Emma hard, causing the blonde to look down and bite her lip in frustration. “Fine,” she said quietly, looking back up at Regina with a hard glare. “Forgive me for trying to be a friend.” She walked back around her desk and sat down roughly in her chair. “If you don’t mind, I have a lot of paperwork to fill out.”

Regina stood there for a moment longer, looking like she was about to say something more, before turning and leaving.

——

For the next two weeks, Emma avoided Regina as much as possible. She sat with her back to the microwave at lunch (when she actually chose to eat lunch in the faculty lounge), she left as soon as she could at the end of the day, and she changed the subject whenever Graham decided to bring her up.

She knew it couldn’t last forever, though, and her plans were foiled at exactly 3:03 that day. Three minutes after school ended, and 27 before Emma could officially go home.

The door to her office burst open and Regina strode in, closing the door behind her.

“Why yes, do come in, make yourself at home,” Emma said sarcastically.

“This needs to stop,” Regina said sharply.

Emma rolled her eyes. “Sorry I don’t wait on you hand and foot like all the other teachers—”

“No, not that,” Regina said, walking up to stand right in front of Emma’s desk. “This… thing between you and I.”

“What, our acquaintanceship?” Emma asked. “I’m not sure we could get much lower without becoming enemies— unless that’s what you want, that is.”

Regina sighed. “I am sorry for what I said to you, Miss Swan. I did not mean it the way it came out. I do… like our friendship, and I wish for us to be friends again. I am simply… defensive.”

“You think?”

It was Regina’s turn to roll her eyes. “Miss Swan, I am trying to apologize.”

Emma leaned back in her chair. “You never even call me by my first name, how are we supposed to be friends?”

Regina huffed. “Emma.” She raised her eyebrows. “Happy?”

Emma smiled. “Yes, quite frankly I am.”

“Good.” There was a moment of silence between the two. “So… apology accepted?”

“I…” Emma paused. “As long as you promise not to get all weird and defensive about being gay. I know what it’s like to be closeted. I just thought you could use someone who’s been through it to help you out.”

Regina nodded and gave an apologetic smile towards Emma. “I am sorry. I’ve known about my sexuality for nearly a year now, but I suppose I still worry about people’s reactions.”

“You don’t have to worry about mine,” Emma said with a comforting smile. “After all, it’d be pretty crazy for me to not accept you for who you are.” She gave a small laugh.

“I suppose it would,” Regina said, her smile widening. “So… you are… gay gay.”

Emma laughed. “Yes, I’m gay gay.” She gestured around her. “I mean, c’mon, I fit the best stereotype out there.”

Regina smiled, but this time it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “And are you… still in a relationship with Lacey?”

Emma’s forehead creased. “Lacey…?” She remembered their conversation months ago. “Oh! No, no no no.” She laughed. “No, that was all Ruby. She was trying to cover up the conversation we were having and that was her first thought.”

Regina raised an eyebrow. “So you are not with her?”

Emma shook her head. “No.”

“Good.”

Emma tilted her head. “Good?”

Regina nodded. “Yes.” She reached onto Emma’s desk and pulled a pen out of her haphazard jar and grabbed a sticky note, scribbling something down before holding the note and the pen out to Emma.

Emma took the piece of paper and noticed it was as phone number. “What’s this?”

“My number,” Regina said as if it was the most obvious thing (which it technically was). She thrust the pen towards Emma again. “If you would be so kind as to write yours down for me.”

“Uh— yeah, sure,” Emma said, taking the pen and scrawling her own number on another sticky note before handing it to Regina. “Can I ask what for?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Regina asked. “I’m asking you on a date, Emma.”

“Oh!” Emma said, startled by the revelation. “No… it wasn’t obvious.”

Regina tilted her head in confusion. “Oh. My bad.” She straightened her posture before looking back at Emma. “Emma, would you be interested in accompanying me on a date this weekend?”

Emma smiled. “Yes, yes I would.”

Regina smiled. “Good.” She held up the sticky note in her hand. “I have your number, and you have mine. I will text you with the details.”

“I look forward to it,” Emma said with a grin.

“Good,” Regina replied, suddenly looking nervous again. “Well… I will see you tomorrow.” She turned and walked out of the room.

“You most certainly will,” Emma said, looking down at the note cradled in her hand.

“Oh, and Miss Swan?”

Emma looked up to see Regina poking her head in the doorway. “Yeah?”

“Do try and watch where you’re driving this time.”

#swanqueenweek #swan queen #swan queen fanfic #emma swan #regina mills #ouat #mine #my writing #this is probably my longest oneshot ever #even though in all technicality it should be even longer

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