#HOW AM I SUPPOSED NOT TO THINK ABOUT VICE VERSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[stormyoceans]

GUESS I HAVE A TYPE OF SHIP ✋😭

[strippinjimmy]

EAT MY HEART OUT WHEN NO ONE'S WATCHIN'!

turbo!okarun x ayase!reader, 2.3k. MDNI

song rec; house of cards, bts

explicitly implied that both reader and okarun are well over 18, supposed exorcism? no intro though, ropes used, uncomfortable positioning, okarun is his usual bleak self just much less, afab reader, not proofread.

"You're gonna have to do better than that, shit makes me sad." Okarun whispers behind you, his voice is groggy and intimate, it makes you wonder if this would ever die down after the first round of attempt. 

"What gives you the idea that I'm not?" You're so cocky and adamant it pisses even yourself off. 

"If you really needed my assistance, I woulda expected a thank you at least, y'know?" you start.

"I know, and I'm sorry, really, I am," He sounds so pent up you're sorry for him again. "It's just, I can't stop, 's like I don't even realize it."

"I've got an idea, it might not work, but it's well worth a try," You flip the switch on, the light is dim but it gives you a clear image on what you're working with now.

Somehow Okarun looks much worse, like he's been put through and denied for centuries, maybe.

"Granny mentioned something about warding off spirits with ropes internally,"

"This fucking sucks," He growls out of desperation. "Just gimme a sec, I'm sure it's somewhere in here." You grab at a thick wad of the rope that was scattered around the room, a few yards of red might do the trick.

"What are you even planning on doing? Looks dumb," He sounds dumbfounded as you bring him to his knees, cuffing both wrists, you decide to let him stay free to an extent by letting his hands rest in the front, you tie a knot secure enough it might just cut his blood circulation off.

"This looks.. awfully familiar," He stares from the sidelines of his view. "Too bad you're gonna have to put up with it," You wrap the rope around his neck, tight enough he's got room to breathe and bark around more.

"That should do the trick," You ponder at the years of helping Okarun maintain his composure, it's a stretch to say that he hasn't thanked you enough, but now seems like the best time to get a rise out of him, it's no risk either, when it's someone like Okarun, you've known him since he's donned what could be titled the worst haircut since the dawn of time.

"Y'know, Okarun, don't you ever feel an ounce of pity for me?" You start, it's obviously a joke but it overwhelms him, all those years of having been saved by you, vice versa.

"Of course I have, I mean, it might sound a lil' stupid but I've always wanted to show you how appreciative I am, sounds cheesy so I figured you'd hate it anyways." There's always a catch to his words, stringing depressingly, but it fits his character.

"Oh, not at all, Okarun, if I were you, I would've done something a whole lot long ago." You murmur and smile down at him, he looks so pretty on his knees you're praying this happens biweekly, any more and you'd end up paralyzed accordingly. 

"And what might you be talkin' about?" His cocky attitude flares up for each and every second you keep him waiting at the edge. 

"You know, all those times you've at least thought about me," You pine on, dragging him closer to the corner of the bed by the rope.

He crawls, he follows obediently and he doesn't ever seem to take his eyes off of you. 

 "I know how badly you need it," Now you're facing him, he still stares up into your eyes in desperation, you watch as his eyes darken to a deep shade of scarlet as he shys away. 

"Don't even think about it, sweetheart, He leans into your space. "Not like this, ain't ideal, ain't a good way to leave a nice impression," 

"Then what is? You know you've been leading me on for years on end," Cuffing his face, you trace along his sternum. 

"Such a pain in the ass," He croons into your neck, resting at your chest, "Lemme feel you," He brings both hands to unbutton your jeans, despite being restrained, he does it with ease. 

"Show me what I'm workin' with, will ya?" He eases right in between your thighs, like he fits right there. 

You question it for a second before he glides a finger through your wet heat without skipping a beat, "That's more like it," his brash manner isn't a deal breaker anymore, if anything, it adds on to the situation. 

"That's what being good gets you, but you haven't exactly been good, haven't you?" At this rate he doesn't want to continue playing dumb just to get into your pants, he breaks past the barrier, Okarun tosses the remnants of the rope to the floor, the part that's still wrapped around his neck remains intact, by control of your hands, your wish.

"Mind games until you made me resort to this, y'know I ain't that typa guy," He adds on. "One to have things my way, but you, you're a completely different case." 

"Always wanted to know what that sweet cunt feels like, too much f'me to handle, figured I'll make things easier for you."

"The rope too, how flattering," He grabs one end of the rope, traces it from your shoulder blades down to the flesh of your cunt. 

His fingers are squeamishly long and slender, watching it feel the mound while he continues to tease you. "Fuck," You whisper, your breath is hot, dense as the air as you watch Okarun continue to glide the rope around either sides of your thighs. 

"Hurry up, can't wait any longer," You whine. 

"What gives you the idea that I'm being patient? If we both had things our way, we'd be at the end of the bed right now, you'd be crying for more," He sketches a wide picture and you're eager to paint it complete for him. 

"You're mean," Your hands grasp for the bedsheets. "I can get worse," he binds your thighs complete, now you're unable to move your arms, your legs are free to roam but he's certain you'd never run away, he grants you the right to speak, wants to hear you scream his name, he says. 

"That good for you? Needed me to keep you bound from giving me what I want." His fingers ghost over your pussy, his fingers slip upwards from your sweet spot, then downwards, you groan over the way he mocks you. 

Just as you least expect it, he brings his fingers to your mouth, coats his fingers wet with your spit before sliding a finger through your slit. 

"So fucking wet," He murmurs, curling the digits where you feel it best. "all of this f'me? Too kind," He digresses, he could never do anything like this, but now it's different, he's been keeping you in check for too long. 

You mewl and toss around just as he brings his free hand to hold you down, he jostles you back in place, resting your thighs around his shoulders. "That's too much, please, Okarun, 's too much," you squeal, feeling yourself go numb for a little over a minute, your very core being played with past your orgasm. 

"Messy, too bad." Okarun hums, he's pleased with the girl he's always wanted to see. To become. If he can evolve into a tale of corruption then sure can you. 

"Okarun— Ken, Ken, 'm gonna cum again," you wail and it slips past your mind voice. Within a split second, he pulls back, the fucking audacity. 

Ken.

Lot's of new firsts tonight, this one defied all odds in his mind. 

It's a lingering thought but you wonder if this is even his first time, you dared not to question it at the start out of what could've been labelled as fear. 

"Say that again," 

"Ken," 

"Fuck." 

He lines his swollen tip over your nub, teasing you where it hurts the most before bottoming out inside you. 

You angle your head to face him, watching as he attempts to ease his cock into you. It's big, there's no way it would fit. He notices as you slowly push away. 

"Hey, no sweat, just the tip, how's that for ya?" He soothes, you hum keenly in response. 

"That feel good?" He whispers. 

"Uh huh, feels too good," You nod and babble, eyes shut, head tilted back, the whole nine yards. 

"I got another thing I wanna try," He interrupts, pulling the tip of his cock to feel your mound, he pushes it slightly down and you watch as it shifts in size for each thrust Okarun gives. 

You feel Okarun as he picks up his pace, followed by you garnering what little energy you've got left to spare. 

"Fuck, can't—" He pulls out in a flash, his eyes are half lidded as he watches his cum sputter onto your lower abdomen.

Now he's slightly embarrassed and his movements are ever-so-slightly rigid, a wave of regret and satisfaction washes over him.

"Again, I'm sorry for that, but I gave you a forewarning," He settles by you in bed.

"Anytime," You retort languidly, undoing the rope around Okarun's wrists. 

"Plus, I still owe you one," It's odd, but as friends, you two are bound to retain an even tally of orgasms. 

"Don't put it like that, dude," He groans.

"You're right though, maybe not now." He murmurs, burying his face by your neck, he hums before drifting off. 

[cintasvel]

i've been thinking about the last shot of andor a lot and there's been a lot of debate about how it was handled, particularly within the constraints of bix and her role this season. regardless of personal opinion, gilroy has said the shot was supposed to be hopeful and i get it. you fight today for the children of tomorrow so they can live peacefully. i think, regardless of how i feel about bix's story as a whole, i can get behind that. as cliche as it may be.

what i can't really get behind is star war's commitment to signifying hope for its characters in the most heteronormative way imaginable. each and every single time. it is so incredibly boring and it's been done so many times. let's not insult one another by pretending star wars doesn't have mothers in it and that motherhood doesn't get addressed often. padme is a mother. mon is a mother. maarva is a mother. leia is a mother. hera is a mother. there are a lot of mothers in star wars. motherhood and its connection in signifying hope runs deep within star wars.

what makes it particularly awful this time around is there are actual, canonical, queer characters in andor and, as expected, they do not get even a minuscule amount of hope in comparison to the heterosexual characters around them. cinta's arc happens entirely off screen before she's killed off in the most insulting way you can imagine and vel is relegated to being a megaphone around yavin to encourage cassian and bix into their roles. that's not to say i don't love faye marsay and what she did with her limited screentime. she really fucking sold that vel's lost her will to live for anything but the rebellion. but if we're making an anti-fascist show, you can't just ignore how you handle your queer and poc characters. you just can't.

my point is, the traditional family has always been the pinnacle of hope for star wars. and it's fine. but it completely ignores that for many people -- queer or otherwise -- the traditional family isn't that. vel's entire character screams that isn't that for her by her two most important connections being cinta, her girlfriend and mon, her cousin. the finale does try and balance this with vel reaching out to kleya and her being a constant source of connection and family with mon. but let's be honest with one another, it doesn't hit as hard as it could have if cinta and vel had been alive and together. or, if we really needed to kill them both ('everyone dies in this show' comments truly have aged like milk lmao) if they had sacrificed themselves fighting for that tomorrow. not because romance is inherently 'more important' than platonic relationships, but because cinta is a HUGE part of vel's character and vice versa for vel. you truly cannot have one without the other because andor never tried to write either of them otherwise. vel gets away with a little more because she's mon mothma's cousin and her beef with kleya and luthen helps bring tension and resolve to that. but cinta? outside of her threadbare backstory, vel is all she has (which is tragic by itself).

i've gone off topic a little, but my point is, vel's ending in andor shows her as a rebel commander willing to fight for what she truly believes in. outside of the title, this is not a huge jump from the vel of s1 (arc-wise, personality and character is a whole other story). the major difference is that vel no longer has the hope of fighting for a better life with cinta like she had in s1. instead she is the sole queer person in the cast (i'm sorry kleya fans, i love our girl but headcanons do not count here) and has to live with this utterly senseless tragedy until she's dead. now, i love doomed yuri (and for the billionth time, i am not asking for velcinta to be treated with kids gloves) and i'm well aware cassian/bix also gets this ending, but the difference between how vel and cinta are treated and portrayed compared to their heterosexual counterparts is so staggeringly different. like, you need to be willingly obtuse not to see how.

as a white lady, i'm not going to too deeply into how misogyny and racism plays a key part here -- someone far more clever than i no doubt will -- but if you think cinta's arc was well-respected in compared to the white women of andor (her background literally parallels kleya's, but guess who gets that examined. not cinta!) then i just really don't know what to say to convince you otherwise. it's not even about her being a minor character (kleya was too in s1). it's about how qwoc are only used as tools to further their white counterparts because their stories aren't worth examining by themselves. as much as i tell myself i'd kill for a cinta novel/comic, i know it's not going to happen because that would require cinta to be considered worthy of exploring. and i don't know if lucasfilm publishing will ever think that. maybe i'm wrong! i'd like to be proven wrong!

and so, vel's arc (or lack of it) and the mishandling of cinta is ultimately, why that last shot just didn't land for me. even as i understand why it was there and what it signifies and can even get behind it... i just don't think hope = the children of tomorrow hits for me as much as it used to, even though it's still incredibly relevant.

this was a lot of rambling. maybe it doesn't make sense or maybe i'm entirely wrong. but i think yeah. it's an okay shot. it's probably not what i'd end my anti-fascist show on though when you've not taken the time to examine (or care) why queer characters are only allowed to be miserable. it's 2025, man.

[blackjackkent]

Jaheira is Not a Deadbeat

I am, as always, deeply in love with the kids' ambient dialogue while waiting for Jaheira to come inside. And it's time for me to have Opinions.

FIG: I saw her! I swear! RION: Are you sure? Maybe it was just a laborer holding a shaggy grey mop! FIG: Be serious, Rion! Who puts braids on a mop?

FIG: She'll be here any second. Maybe she's sneaking! RION: Doubtful. We'd hear her knees cracking.

And of course my favorite:

RION: Enough, Fig. There's no point getting your hopes up. She'll be back when she's back. FIG: You don't think she will! RION: I know she will. But we'll wait a little longer, if you like.

😭😭😭😭

Rion absolutely knew perfectly well what she was supposed to do from Jaheira's instructions. She just didn't want to. She's been hanging on to the desperate belief that Jaheira was going to walk through the door and make it unnecessary - and, as it turned out, she was right.

OK, fuck it, I'm doing a post about this now. :P

Despite what the Tumblr BG3 fandom would have you believe, Jaheira is not a "deadbeat mom." Is she a parent with emotional constipation issues and way too much time at work? Sure. But so are plenty of other parents on both Toril and Earth. It's SUPER clear from the way all the kids (including Rion) talk to and about her that they LOVE her and she has been an enduring presence in their lives, and that her recent disappearance was both unusual and devastating. 

There are books she reads the kids up in the bedroom! Fig is so excited to announce she's back, indicating that the absence is not a normal occurrence! Jhessem has convinced herself they share a bloodline! Jord got to go to the market with her as a boy! These are not the circumstances of children who do not give a shit about their parent or vice versa!

The devnotes about Jord’s conversation in particular do not show a picture of a man with ill-will towards a mother who felt it customary to abandon him:

JORD: I tended to it. I just let it... thrive in its own independence. You know, same way you raised us. (Devnote: Well meant potshot at his mother, no malice in it) JAHEIRA: I raised you to be a sweet and kind boy. What happened? JORD: I watched what you did instead of listening to what you said. (Devnote: Amused, gently mocking his mother) JORD: This house has taken in a lot of children over the years. Mother dear was sometimes more commander than, well... mother dear. (Devnote: Smiling, explaining why he and Jaheira trade barbs. No criticism, just understated affection)

It is, perhaps, worth noting at this point as well that Jord - and Rion, and Fig, and even Jhessem - speak with that teasing, mocking tone towards Jaheira… but so does she - towards the people she cares most about, including you as the player. The kids are acting as they have learned, and words like this can and should easily be read as gestures of affection. And they clearly trust Jaheira enough to bring this playful rudeness to the fore without fear of it being misconstrued or turning into hostility.

And if they are like Jaheira in this way, they’re also not going to be comfortable showing the real depth of their feelings in front of you, the player character - who is fundamentally a stranger who has just walked into their house. Why would they? Jaheira clearly doesn’t; indeed, even her more serious conversation with Rion only takes place outside where even the other children aren’t listening. 

Perhaps most significantly, I truly don’t understand how anyone can interact with Tate for even a moment and think that Jaheira does not have a deep, if often unspoken, bond with the kids she raises:

JAHEIRA: I hope you were hibernating, little cub, I can’t think of another reason you wouldn’t come down to say hello. TATE: Jaheira! I d-didn’t… didn’t w-want to see if you were r-really dead. They said… JAHEIRA: Who said? TATE: Jord and Rion. They didn’t think I c-could hear… JAHEIRA: You little sneak-thief. Well, they were wrong. Look! Not dead! I just… had a few adventures.

She is so soft and gentle with him in a way that she is with no one else, a way that indicates that she knows him and how his personality is different from the others. And he in turn has clearly been utterly devastated by the idea that she might be gone.

Take, as well, the evidence provided by Minsc when he is present in these conversations! There’s plenty of evidence to indicate the degree to which Minsc is guided by Jaheira’s behavior - to the degree that a doppelganger wearing her face was the key ingredient to binding him temporarily into the Cult of the Absolute. And Minsc - far more comfortable with emotion than Jaheira, at least in some ways - is clearly very affectionate with the kids as well:

FIG: STAND ON YOUR LIVER! MINSC: It is stand and *deliver*, little Fig. Though I think I like yours better. You bellow like a true berserker!

JHESSEM: A fine day to you, saer. Are you known to this court PLAYER: Eh? JHESSEM: Ugh - play along, would you? MINSC: Lord Boo is most pleased to make your acquaintance, my lady! Word of your grace has spread far and wide among the hamster houses. (Devnote: Swooping in to preserve the child's make-believe after the player ruined it.) JHESSEM: Enchanted!

MINSC: Boo is also very well! And happy to see *you*, Rion. RION: And I him. Enough that I’ll let him keep his lumbering, sweaty steed inside.

Would Minsc have taken it upon himself to have such a comfortable relationship with these children if Jaheira did not? I doubt it. He’d be friendly, certainly, but this familiarity goes a great deal beyond that.

And as for Rion herself - it's definitely reasonable to assume that she's had a strained relationship with Jaheira as she's grown older. (I have a lot of headcanons about this for my specific worldstate canon, but even just sticking to the game canon, it definitely seems like that's the case.) But leaving aside that - can you blame her for being upset at this particular moment?

As far as Rion knows, her mom was recently emotionally devastated for an indeterminate reason. (Minsc's apparent death. None of the kids are surprised to see him arrive, so clearly none of them knew he was supposed to be dead - but also there's no way that Jaheira didn't look afterwards like someone hollowed her out from the inside.) Then, without further explanation, she disappeared for what appears to have been several months (again, clearly not standard procedure), and after weeks of no contact, sends a seven-word message indicating she is about to die.

How exactly is Rion supposed to feel at this moment? This is an incredibly emotionally fraught circumstance, and if it's precisely representative of her overall relationship with Jaheira I will eat my hat.

Also - much is made by the game, by Rion, and by the fandom about that seven-word message, but if you try to chastise Jaheira about it, she gives further context:

PLAYER: Only seven? That’s cold, Jaheira. JAHEIRA: The cleric who cast the Sending was wounded. Should I have sobbed on her shoulder?

Jaheira was caught in a no-win situation. Trapped in the Shadowlands, a terrifying ordeal all by itself, with a gaggle of Harpers she had to protect, many of whom had apparently been injured by their encounter with Ketheric Thorm. If the only cleric she had access to was wounded, this was before they reached Last Light and met Isobel. 

Jaheira had ZERO reason to hope at this point - but she also still felt her own inescapable responsibility towards the people under her command. To send a longer and more emotional message would have been to put strain on her injured comrade and also risk making it very clear that she felt the situation was hopeless. The Harpers very well might have broken and scattered, condemning themselves - and, frankly, many others, given their crucial contributions to the final Act 2 fight - to death.

And then she lives, against all her own expectations, and returns to the city. And her dialogue reflects her conflict over this fact as well: 

JAHEIRA: I have given you much reason to think that Harpers hoard secrets like precious stones. But I promise you, this was not some intrigue. Just, ah… plain and simple foolishness. As if by keeping clear of my family, I might keep them clear of the cult in turn. And if this fight were to go against us, well… they had already done their mourning. Why visit it on them twice?

She then goes on to discuss the city and her place in it - and relates it directly back to her kids as well.

JAHEIRA: I was wrong to think I could keep my children from this fight. They’re Baldurian born and bred - the only damned reason I root myself in this place. This city is a cesspit. An open sewer of the soul, that taints us with its filth and churns us out when all that is good has been stripped away. It also happens to be their home - and so it is mine. Ugh. That might be the first time I have said that out loud.

If Jaheira wanted to disappear and leave her kids to handle themselves, she would have done it a long time ago. It wouldn’t be hard; she is fully capable of vanishing into the wilderness never to be seen again - and in truth, there’s every reason to believe she would be considerably happier to do so… except that it would mean leaving her children behind. They “root” her in Baldur’s Gate despite all of her previous inclinations and everything that comes naturally to her, and everything she does is guided ultimately by the need to protect the city because it is their home.

And that, my friends, is love, a love that she shows even if she does not know how to voice it.

TLDR: Jaheira's absence in the Shadowlands was definitely not a normal occurrence, and her kids clearly love her deeply and were devastated by her apparent disappearance. That she is a woman who keeps herself far too busy with work and has no idea how to express her own strong feelings does not, has not, and never will make her a "deadbeat."

[sorry-not-feeling-it-right-now]

Shifty is such an interesting character to me.

Cause like. When you first officially meet her in her full form she is acting like. Well. A god. She has this certain divine arrogance to her. She had watched everything that had happened within the construct through the eyes of the vessels you had collected for her. The things that had happened to the vessels had technically happened to her as well, although for Shifty she is lacking that emotional attachment that her vessels have due to her having infinite perspectives. To me it feels like she is denying her own humanity in order to help herself cope with whatever had happened with the two of them. She is burying her own pain by using her Godhood as a coping mechanism.

Her mindset is also very interesting to me. Cause like. Her mindset is basically “since I have infinite perspectives in my many many multitudes, surely I must be objectively correct in my own views because I had already seen everything”, which leads to this superiority complex that she is always correct. Another Narry parallel. Except that while Narry has a narrow perspective(dead men can’t change), Shifty has infinite perspectives. But ultimately that had led to the both of them becoming narrow-minded. Quiet, on the other hand, has only five. Aka the ones we had been through with him together. That is the perfect amount of perspectives that neither Narry nor Shifty had.

Much like Quiet, Shifty has humanity in her. She really isn’t as perfect as she thought she is. Tower/Apotheosis parallel.

Also. When people talk about how Shifty is the embody of change, they need to remember that there is a piece of her in Quiet. So technically speaking, she doesn’t have every single piece of change within her. It’s like what Narry had said, that he had ripped a part of what was supposed to be her and placed it into Quiet, and vice versa. I am still wondering what those pieces of change Narry had placed within him……. I suppose the best point of reference would be in the New and Unending Dawn ending. From what I had gathered, Narry seemed to have kept the pieces of change that he deems as positive in Quiet. So healing from heartbreak, no more starvation and fear with Quiet’s stagnation, etc etc. They’re actually Ying and Yang.

(Now I wonder if the piece of stagnation Narry had placed within Shifty is the stagnation of pain and grief….. well, considering Nightmare as a whole. Considering Narry’s fear of death and grief, I think it would be in character for him to want to rip that part of Quiet and place it into the one Quiet was made to kill)

Where was I. Oh yes. Shifty and her buried humanity.

Which is why I consider Quiet being given the opportunity to talk to the heart to be him attempting to reach out towards Shifty’s humanity. A heart to heart. The story started with a Hero and a Princess, and it will end with them simply leaving together simply as a Hero and a Princess. Shifty’s Heart is like, also a very interesting character, cause she is a clear parallel to Hero, who was implied to be Quiet’s own heart. The core of their beings. While Hero continues to be Quiet’s heart no matter what happens, Shifty has three of them, and each of them give very different perspectives on their situation. Soft shows sympathy towards Shifty, noting how lonely it must be to feel like you’re the only one that matters. Sharp bluntly tells you that you simply cannot out-argue her. Stranger is unsure, but earnestly tells you that they love your courage to choose a different path that was given to you. Soft and Sharp wants to be their own person separate from Shifty, while Stranger wants to simply embrace what they are. Humanity vs Godhood. Even her heart variations are in conflict with each other, and yet they all describe the same person.

(Messages from Discord vvvvvvvv)

[marianasbored]

I'm so glad your requests are open omg. Can you make a NSFW alphabet for Gi Hun?? He gets so little attention in the fandom, it's so unfair :(

Ikr he deserves all the love :(

Ofc I’ll give you a Gi-hun nsfw alphabet !! :3

Note: Ive never done an nsfw alphabet before and im not rlly sure what im supposed to put for each letter or if I can just put whatever so im just gonna follow a template i found 😭

I apologize for any mistakes!! This is the most I’ve ever written 💔

Gi-hun NSFW alphabet !!

୭ 🍎 ✧ ˚. ᵎᵎ 📺 ྀིྀི

A = Aftercare

•HE IS THE AFTERCARE KINGGG (ofc he is, you’re his baby after all)

•He won’t go/sleep unless hes cleaned you up already

•Gives you water + food if you haven’t eaten already

•Checks up on you and makes sure you’re okay :3

B = his fav Body part

•I am a firm believer he is an ass kind of guy

•Don’t get me wrong, he loves every part of you!!

•But there’s something abt your ass that he can’t get enough of

•It doesn’t matter if you got a big ass or a small one, he just can’t stop squeezing it!!

•He loves watching it bounce off his cock during sex, slapping itttt omg he just can’t get enough

C = Cum

•He hates when he isn’t cumming inside of you

•Obviously he won’t creampie you if you don’t want him to, but when you let him it’s like he falls in love with your pussy all over again

•He loves watching his cum drip out of your pussy just to shove his cock back in it so “you don’t waste his cum”

•He also loves cumming in his pretty girl’s mouth >.< . And he won’t admit it, but he loves watching it drip out from the corner of it.

D = Dirty secret

•His hidden folder in his phone is full to the brim of pics and videos of you

•obviously you gave him permission (so it’s not that big of a secret) to keep pics and vids of you but you don’t even realize when he’s filming half of the time

•And when you’re away he just looks in that folder if he misses you too much >.<

E = How experienced he is/is he experienced?

•Obviously he’s experienced!!

•This man was married and he’s almost 50 !!

•He definitely knows how to please a woman and I like to think he is amazinggggg at eating you out (like he’d do it for hours and leave you shaking)

F = Favorite position

•As much as he loves doggy, nothing beats missionary (when he���s being dominant). He loves seeing your pretty face scrunch up from pleasure and forcing you to make eye contact !! >.<

•But when he’s being subby he silently hopes you ride him till he’s shaking :3

G = Goofy (is he more serious in the moment? Is he humorous? etc.)

•He’s a goofy guy so ofc you’re gonna have goofy sex sometimes !!

•but he also likes having hot and rough sex or slow and intimate sex, etc.

•So he won’t always be goofy obviously

H = Hair (how well groomed is he?)

•I like to think he doesn’t like to be completely bare but likes to trim down his bush yk

•And he’s a real man so he doesn’t care abt his partners hair <3

I = Intimacy (how is he during the moment? the romantic aspect)

•No matter how kinky or fast the sex is, it’s never just sex

•There’s always a look of love and admiration in his eyes when he’s fucking you (and vice versa)

•Sometimes he’ll let out a couple of “I love you”s among his praises or he’ll say something like “god you’re perfect…” (if not he makes sure to say it during aftercare!!)

•And if there was any degrading involved then you guys always reassure each other afterwords if needed !!

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

•(I think I’ve said this before) Whenever he masturbates he’s always soooo loud !!

•He just can’t help himself! Especially when he’s always thinking about you when he strokes his dick

•And he can’t stop himself from whining when he wishes you were the one jerking him off instead :(

K = Kink (one or more of his kinks)

•He has a hugeeee praise kink

•Even tho this man is nearly 50 he still gets so hard when you call him a good boy !! >.<

•Even if he’s not subbing, just hearing you tell him how good he’s making you feel makes his cock impossibly harder !!

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

•Obviously he loves doing it in the bedroom, it’s comfortable, it’s classic

•But he also lovessss doing it in the shower

•You look like a goddess when your body’s covered in water and the lights hitting you just right, it’s like you’re glowing

•And the way your moans echo in the bathroom is just perfect !! >.<

M = Motivation (what turns him on)

•Honestly he’s so obsessed with you that just looking at you gets him going

•I mean you’re just that perfect !! He can’t help it !!

•Wearing anything that shows your silhouette gets him drooling over you

•He’s a simple man, really

N = No (something he wouldn’t do)

•I feel like he’d been down for trying whatever but something he definitely would say no to is any type of weapon play (gunplay, knife play)

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

•I said it once, I’ll say it again, THIS MAN LOVES EATING YOU OUT (definitely more than getting a blow job)

•Don’t get me wrong, he loves blow jobs !! He just loves eating your pussy even more >.<

•And as I said before he is INCREDIBLE at it

P = Pace (is he fast and rough? slow and sensual?)

•Honestly I feel like it really depends

•If he’s pent up he’ll probably start off rough but it usually starts off slow and gets quicker the more desperate he gets

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

•He isn’t opposed to quickies but he definitely prefers not to do them since he likes to make sure his baby is properly satisfied

•But if you’re down for one so is he !!

R = Risk (Is he game to experiment? does he take risks?)

•I already said it but he loves experimenting!! He’ll do whatever you want

•He’d pretend that he wouldn’t wanna get caught if you do something in public, but he secretly thinks it makes it more fun !!

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

•I think it would depend on the day, time, etc.

•But I feel like the most he’d do on average is 1-3 rounds

•However if you wanna keep going, he won’t stop you !!

T = Toys (does he own toys? does he use them? on a partner or himself?)

•Yeah I think he’s a freak so he’d definitely own toys

•And since I believe he’s a switch he’d let you use them on him and vice versa if you’re up for it !!

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

•he lovessss teasing you and watching you get frustrated

•If there are words he knows turn you on (like for example calling you a “good girl” gets you going) he’ll try to slip it in conversation casually just to see you get red

•And he also secretly loves when teasing turns out bad for him (like for example he ends up getting edged to teach him a lesson !!)

V = Volume (how loud he is, what sounds he makes, etc.)

•He definitely whimpers 🙏

•And I’ve said this head cannon before but he’s superrrr loud

•He gets louder the closer he gets and gets louder the quieter he tries to be, especially while subbing

•Literally whines just from dirty talk

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

•I feel like he’d loveeee having his hair pulled :3

•Like he’d full on moan if you pulled on it during sex or while he’s eating you out

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

•Oh yeah he’s definitely big under those boxers. I mean he’s 5’11 after all

•I think he’s more of a grower tho

Y = Yearning (how high is his sex drive?)

•Yearning final boss

•his sex drive is high for an almost 50 year old

•But again, it’s because he can’t help himself around you

•And if your sex drive isn’t as high as his, he’ll tone it down to make you feel more comfortable ofc

Z = Zzz (how quickly he falls asleep afterwards)

•Pretty quickly honestly, especially after multiple rounds. And sleeping is so easy when it’s with his pretty girl :3

[rebelcracker-s]

yapping about the welcome home 10/18 update because i am so incredibly normal

Hello neighbors! Not exactly my usual content, but since when was I consistent :P I have a lot of thoughts about the new Welcome Home update, so I thought I’d make a post discussing my thoughts n findings, and try to analyze them to make sense of Welcome Home. 

SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

First of all, right off the bat, on the first page of the storybook, you can see this:

All of these dots in white diamonds are meant to represent eyes, like the Looky-Loo branding alludes to. While they’re all mostly looking in different directions, we have these two who are looking right at the reader. I think these are meant to represent Wally’s eyes. Since we know from the hidden audios from the June ‘23 update that Wally can see through every drawing of his eyes, it looks like Wally is watching us or at least W through the storybook. It’s a tiny detail but so creepy nonetheless!

I want to focus on the end of W’s version of the storybook rather than the contents of the storybook, but I loved seeing a story centered around Sally and some depictions of Sally & Poppy’s dynamic! (Also Eddie calling Sally rude—THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING. Based eddie tho LOL) I also loved seeing the neighbors all being so eager to help Poppy, but oh my goodness, the way that they did it… YIKES. Poor Poppy…

It’s so interesting that we’re seeing the characters one by one realize that something is wrong with their neighborhood—first Sally in last year’s Halloween update, then Eddie in the Homewarming update, now Poppy. 

It’s also interesting how Eddie and Poppy’s episodes(?) parallel each other. First of all, they very clearly focus on isolation from the rest of the neighborhood. Eddie loses all perception of the other neighbors, and the “single pea on a plate” represents his isolation from everyone else. Poppy is literally bricked off from the other neighbors, and she can’t hear them and vice versa until she screams and the door is opened.

The second interesting thing is that both of these episodes have Home involved. Eddie gets uncomfortable and immediately finds himself staring down Home even though he’s inside them. Poppy hears knocks, doors opening, and doorknobs turning—all of which are methods Home uses to communicate. I don’t know if Home is meant to be a metaphor for isolation or a genuine antagonistic force trying to corner the characters when they’re alone and at their weakest. Maybe both? 

Still, I was considering that the character who scares Poppy at the end of the storybook audio could also be one and the same with the “monster” (in quotations because it’s unclear whether this is an actual monster) Sally talked about in last year’s Halloween update. That would create a common thread between the two Halloween updates. Still, I’m not sure what that monster is meant to represent and if it is supposed to mean Home or something related to them, like the weird portal underneath it…

Third, it’s very interesting how the two episodes end. Both Eddie and Poppy are brought out of the episodes by the intervention of the other neighbors. But it’s not just any neighbors—both times, it’s Sally and Frank. Sally is the neighbor who notices something is up with Eddie first; she brings him to the Homewarming party, then pulls Frank over to Eddie at the end of Eddie’s episode. When Poppy’s episode ends, we hear two neighbors asking about her. It’s not explicitly stated whose voices they are in the transcript, but it’s clearly Sally and Frank.

Sally and Frank are a really interesting pair; their canon interactions include them getting into a physical fight over song lyrics. But somehow, we’ve seen them twice breaking up these episodes. They don’t appear to be as close as Frank is with Eddie or as Sally is with Poppy, but it would be a very weird coincidence if this was an accident both times. 

I strongly believe that Sally and Frank are both aware of what’s happening and trying to work together to either gain a bigger understanding of it, protect the other neighbors, etc. (I also have a theory that Howdy is in on it too, but I won’t focus on that right now.) This is why we see them coming to both Eddie and Poppy’s aid after their episodes. 

Another thing!! Connections to other literature seem to be really important in the lore of Welcome Home, so it’s not a throwaway that the play Sally puts on is Tell-Tale Heart. I don’t know a lot about Tell-Tale Heart, but it appears to be about a character who kills a man and buries his still-beating heart under the floorboards, only to be driven mad by the sound. I’m pretty sure we’ve heard Home’s heartbeat before, so I wonder if Tell-Tale Heart is supposed to connect to them… I’ve seen people connect it to Cask of Amontillado, but I’ve never even heard of that so I’ll let other theorists tackle that for now.

On a final note, Wally saying that “everything is as it should be” as the last line of the storybook…completely creeps me out!!!

That’s all for now. I should probably update my other theory soon lol 

[yeonmuse]

SYNOPSIS — Park Sunghoon doesn’t usually like involving himself with those at Chaconne academy, but when he finds out his little sister’s music teacher attends and she starts getting a little too close she forces him to let his guard down. Now he’s gotta juggle new people and new emotions entering his life and she’s got to face her past in order to hold tight to him and her future.

ᥫ᭡ f!reader x Park Sunghoon ── 𝒢enre. Uni au. fluff, angst non idol enha. feats. ot7 [reqs are closed] ᝰ.ᐟ 𝓁ibrary 🎻

⍣ ೋ AUTHORS NOTES . Strong angst themes, slow burn but mostly fluff. I’m not sure where this idea had come from considering I have 4 unfinished series out right now but I wrote this in 4 days so lets fucking go i guess??? Includes Choi Yeonjun, Bae Jinyoung, Kim Sunwoo, Jung Wooyoung, Shen Ricky, Xu Jiaqi and Asaya Jurin. Wc is 4.1k

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 | PART 4 | PART 5 | ENDING

“Sim Jaeyun if you don’t get off my fucking counter I’ll make sure you never stand again.” Jurin yells from the living room at a now frowning Jake

“How else am I supposed to put up the streamers?”

“With a ladder dipshit it's just in the basement.”

“Fuck that im not going down there? You know what happens when you go into a basement during a party?”

“First of all you jackass the party hasn't even started, and second that’s only in movies.” You couldn’t help but laugh at the banter between the two, it was a natural occurrence since all of you had started hanging out together rather than hanging out with Sunghoon and his friends some days and vice versa. There hasn’t been a day since then where Jake and Jurin hadn’t been at each other's throats.

Today wasn’t any different, all of you having gathered together at Jurins family vacation home for the break and today all of you would be celebrating Jiaqis birthday.

“Can you two go longer than 30 minutes without fighting?” Jinyoung who’d somehow always become the voice of reason along with Jay only seems to cause more chaos with his question.

“Maybe if he takes his ass off my counter.”

“I’m not getting that ladder!”

“For fucks sake ill get the damn latter.” Finally fed up, Wooyoung makes his way down the hall to get the ladder himself.

“You know I still can’t believe you agreed to come to this.” Jay takes a seat beside Sunghoon, not missing the way his gaze had been trained on you every now and then.

“Why do all of you keep saying that?”

“Because you’re you.” Sunghoon simply scoffs and rolls his eyes as he continues to blow up balloons.

“I’m starting to see why though, music teachers got you completely over the moon.”

“I think you’ve been hanging around Jake a little too much.” Sunghoon retorts, making Jay chuckle.

“That might be true, but what I said isn’t exactly a lie either is it? You like her.”

“I don’t like her. I just care about her, that's all, she means a lot to Yoari.”

“Just Yoari?” Interrupting the conversation between the two Jurin forces Jay up out of his seat, sending him off to get cups for their drinks which Yeonjun had conveniently forgot to bring with him to Jurins house.

This left Sunghoon alone again, this time alone with his thoughts. He couldn’t say it but Jay may have been absolutely right and for some reason that scared him.

The party was a small gathering. Rather than invite half the school that no one had talked to other than an occasional conversation about class notes or asking to borrow pencils, the gathering had been kept between just your friends. Consisting of just the ten of you with the addition of Jay’s cousin and his friends. As per usual the night entailed lots of yelling over board games and card games, this time with a lot more drinking involved. The conversations only went far left as Jake and Jurin started yet another argument with one another making everyone else slowly leave the table one by one.

You on the other hand chose to slip outside where you could get some peace and quiet, unknowingly Sunghoon wasn’t too far behind. The moment you took a seat on one of the lounge chairs you heard the back door slide open, making you turn your head. Once your eyes landed on Sunghoon you’d shoot him a smile as he made his way over and took the seat beside you.

“They still going in there?”

“The conversations somehow gone back to the ladder situation from earlier.’’ Sunghoon responds, a hint of confusion in his tone, earning a laugh from you.

“Sounds about right for the two of them.”

A comfortable silence lingered between the two of you, the only ambience heard amongst the silence being the crackling of the patio fire set by Jay earlier on, and the faint sound of Jake and Jurin going at it back inside.

“About last night.’’ Sunghoon had finally spoken up, putting an end to the comforting silence and the air around you grew thick at the mention of last night's topic.

“I’m sorry about my mom, I don’t know why she suddenly decided to pry last night, but I could tell the topic made you uncomfortable.’’

“It’s fine. Your mom was only trying to get to know who she hired, better late than never right?’’

Sunghoon could tell that you had been trying your best to act unbothered by the topic, but it was obviously a heavy one for you.

“Yeah I guess so.’’

“She doesn't know where we are.’’ you suddenly confess, at which Sunghoon just returns your confession with a look of confusion.

“My mom, she doesn’t know where me and my dad are.’’

“Yn you don’t have to tell me this.��’

“But I want to, I trust you.” at your sudden admission of trust Sunghoon fell silent, you trusted him?

“My dad and I we’ve been moving around since I was fifteen. One night he and my mom got into this really bad argument one night and it got heated. She even started throwing and breaking things and trying to physically hurt my dad. I had never seen her like that. She just completely lost it. I had to watch my dad pick up the pieces of a broken home, family photos covered in blood, picture frames broken. I cried so hard that day because for the first time in my life I was forced to realize my family was no longer a family. The neighbors called the police that day and they held my mom overnight, but by the time she got out we would already be gone. It was something my dad was thinking about for the longest time when my mom started to get unwell, but we never had a reason to until she snapped. My mom would call everyone lying telling them she got help just to find out where we were, she kept finding us and It got so bad that we had to cut ties with old friends and family members until she’d finally stopped a year ago. My dad was forced to give up everything so that we could move. He gave up our house, his first restaurant, the place he worked hard to keep up with since before I had even been born. We had to just leave everything behind and had to start new over and over. I’d gone through so many schools and Chaconne was my only chance at going to an actual good school where she couldn't find me. When I told you I didn’t know how my dad had got me into Chaconne I meant it, I’m not even sure how he managed to keep us afloat and manage the house he’d gotten for us now with us leaving everything behind.” you didn’t realize that tears had fallen from your eyes, but Sunghoon noticed the moment your voice became shaky and cracked almost instantaneously. This was a topic you only told Jurin and Jiaqi having been drunk off cough medicine and completely out of it on one of your sickly nights you cried and completely spilled your guts to them.

Sunghoon on the other hand didn’t know what to say, he felt furious, furious at your mother from having put you through all of that at such a young age, yet at the same time feeling a pain in his chest watching you – the girl that was always smiling and putting a smile on others face, break down in front of him. Without thinking he wraps his arms around you pulling you in against his chest, he knew for certain this would absolutely be brought up by Jay and Jake tomorrow if not tonight, but all he cared about in that moment was making sure you had been okay. He may not have had the right words to say to you, but him having held you in his arms until you were calm had been just enough.

“I’m sorry.’’ finally your tears stopped and your sniffling quieted down, allowing Sunghoon to finally pull away

“What for?’’

“For dropping all of that onto you, I shouldn’t have just said all of that, I probably ruined the mood.’’

“No i’m glad, i’m glad that you trusted me enough to let your guard down.’’ His eyes locked with yours, he nearly reached his hand up to brush the tear stains from your cheeks until the back door slid open and out walked Jiaqi, the others not too far behind.

“You two were out here the whole time while we had to sit through their cat and dog fight.’’ Yeonjun complains, plopping himself down on the opposing side of the fire. The once somber and gloomy atmosphere is now taking a turn for the best. From then on there was no more sad talk or arguing, just playful banter and conversations around the fire.

This was the first time since meeting Jake and Jay that Sunghoon had genuinely felt he belonged with a group of people. His guard was now completely down, and he wasn’t afraid to allow it. And though he wasn’t sure how long any of them would last and how long they’d remain in his life he would enjoy tonight. You on the other hand were just grateful to finally have a group of friends to call yours. A group of people that loved you wholeheartedly and shared a love for music just as you yourself did. It felt nice to have a group genuinely connect with you, you just hoped that your time with them would last, that you wouldn’t be forced to move yet again.

-

The next day consisted of what felt like one of the longest drives of the group's life, an hour long drive just to get to the beach, which all ultimately felt worth it when they’d arrived there two hours before sunrise. You felt an immediate sense of nostalgia when your feet hit the sand, to you it felt like home ultimately, after all you were grateful enough to have lived on that very beach. It had been Jurin and Jiaqis idea originally, knowing how much you missed your dad over the last two months you’d been attending Chaconne they made the executive decision to make Jinyoung drive all the way to your hometown. That way you got to see your dad and they would get the opportunity to lounge out on the sand.

Your time on the beach was indeed chaotic, between the guys making the collective decision to bury Jake in the sand and leaving him there, and Yeonjun losing his swimming trunks in the ocean. It was certainly an eventful time. Most of your time was spent out on the beach until sunset, it was then that you all finally decided it was time to make your way down the coast. All of you walked until you finally caught a familiar sight of a large building up on the rocks, a building that had been familiar to you since the moment you turned seventeen.

As you and the others step foot inside the restaurant you’re enveloped in the warmth and comfort of the atmosphere, it completely contrasts to the cool breeze that had been blowing outside on the beach. While the interior of the place had given a more modern and homey appeal it differed from the outside patio that had served as more of your typical tropical beach setting. The doors and window seals adorned with seashells that you and your dad had found when you would often accompany him on his boating trips for the new catch. Your dad and stepmother were more than happy to see that you’d returned home for a visit and with new friends to accompany you. Ultimately embarrassing you when they first saw you all enter, your dad having brought back your old childhood nickname ‘his little starfish’ and your stepmom immediately pressing kisses all over your face as she would often do when you were much younger. In your fathers eyes no matter how old you had gotten you would always be their little girl. Now that you all had finally arrived your dad had been more than happy to close down the restaurant for the night just you and your friends. Friends who seemed to have the time of their lives learning about you and your parents and how your life had been growing up here (of course you and your dad both left out the details of your actual mother). The night couldn’t have ended more perfectly in your eyes, having given your newfound friends a glimpse into your life growing up.

Sunghoon found himself hanging onto your dad and step moms every word about how you'd been as a child and your teen years. Now having gotten to know your dad it was obvious to him why you loved and praised him as much as you had. He talked about you like you were the only thing in the world that mattered, his greatest accomplishment. Not to mention the similarities between the two of you having been absolutely uncanny, sharing the same eyes, same laugh, same smile. The smile found himself thinking about countless times. Even your home– the home that your father so graciously opened up to all of you for the night, had perfectly mirrored the characteristics of you and your family.

While most of the guys had gone to sleep you and the girls set out back huddled up by the fire together watching the stars and enjoying your time with just the three of you. That left Sunghoon sitting alone in the living room with a book in his hand, a book he’d been paying absolutely no attention to because he was far too busy looking out at you, thinking about all the new details he learned about you. With a sigh he throws the book off to the side and stands up from his seat, deciding to busy himself with looking at the pictures your father had put up throughout the house instead. Each picture making a faint smile curl onto his lips as they progressed.

“She was six there.’’ your fathers voice startled him, wiping the smile off his face as his head whips around to look at him.

“That was her first time picking up a guitar, her uncle's guitar. She wasn’t allowed to touch the instruments at his house but she picked it up anyway, he found her playing and he couldn’t even be mad at her he’d just sat and watched her play to her heart's content.’’ Sunghoon didn’t say a word, he simply listened to your fathers recollection of memory, unsure as to why he suddenly felt the need to storytell, but Sunghoon didn’t mind.

“This one was her eighth birthday, she got her first violin. She stayed up all night learning the strings and printing sheet music, didn’t get any sleep that night but it was worth it knowing my little girl was happy.’’ Eight years old, she had been the exact same as Yoari back then, Yoari had been persistent in her desire to learn music, Since the moment yn started teaching her she spent sleepless nights practicing her sheet music and random songs just to show you the next day knowing you would be proud of her.

Though Sunghoon didn’t know the meaning behind your father having suddenly told him the story behind all of your photos that night, your father was well aware that Sunghoon had no problem listening. It hadn’t gone unnoticed by him how attentive he was listening back at the restaurant or how often Sunghoon’s eyes would catch you when he would be looking over at the table. It was quite obvious that you were special and meant something to him and even though your father didn’t know exactly how the boy felt about you one thing was for certain, Sunghoon did indeed feel something for his little starfish.

Your father eventually left Sunghoon alone with his thoughts and the girls made their way inside, all of you having grown tired from the long day you had both today and yesterday. While the others had all gone inside and fell asleep you and Sunghoon had been the only two remaining awake. You still sat cozied up by the crackling fire watching the moon and reminiscing your childhood, soon being joined by Sunghoon who felt the need to keep you company.

“Do you-” Sunghoon starts only to stop upon seeing you look at him so attentively, he couldn’t do it, your beautiful eyes locked on him had him immediately tongue tied and he found it hard to ask the question that plagued his thoughts for quite some time now.

“I see why you missed home so much, it’s peaceful.’’ you respond with a soft hum, seemingly lost in thought.

“Yeah, but I’ve also gotten quite used to the chaos.’’ you respond, finally glancing at him making his heart thump against his chest as they met his own.

The rest of the night was silent for the two of you, the sound of waves crashing and the crackling of the fire being your only interruptions. Meanwhile your father stood at the back window watching the two of you with a faint smile.

-

Though your time away from Chaconne had been truly amazing it was finally time to get back to classes and study groups. A chaotic and hectic week it would be with not only exams growing closer, but Yoaris recital being tonight. A night which not only you, but Yoari had been counting down since the moment the event had been presented.

“What do you mean you didn’t ask her are you stupid?’’

“Jake!?”

“What? He had the perfect opportunity to ask her and he didn’t.’’

“Yeah well it’s not like we can change the fact that he didn’t ask her.’’

“To hell we can’t where's your phone.’’ Jake makes his way over to Sunghoons desk searching through loose sheets of paper and old music sheets in search of his phone.

“Look, I backed out. She looked at me and then I just couldn't?”

“Dude the recital is tonight, you don’t exactly have all the time in the world to ask her.’’

“Fuck. I should have just kept my mouth shut, don’t know why I told you in the first place.’’ Sunghoon sighs and falls back onto his bed, sitting up almost immediately once he hears the sound of a phone ringing.

“What are you doing?”

“Giving you your second chance.’’ Jake responds only moments before the ringing stops and your voice could be heard on the other line.

You were shocked to say the least when you saw Sunghoons name appear on your phone, he had never called you, of course he’d sent you videos of Yoari practicing here and there but he’d never called, rarely even texted other than the videos.

“Hello?” For a moment the line was silent, but you could hear faint shuffling on the other side.

“Sunghoon did you butt dial me or something?’’

“No- no i’m here sorry.’’

“Oh- did you need something? Did something happen you almost never call?’’

“Yeah. I mean– fuck no nothing happened I just had a question?’’ he responds, sounding unsure of his own words as they leave his mouth.

“Oh? Sure what’s up?”

“Would you want to go to the recital with me? Not as in you coming as a guest or family friend, but a date?’’ On the other side of the line Sunghoon held his breath the moment you fell silent, only releasing it when you finally spoke up on the other line.

“I’d love to.’’

“So- i’ll see you there?’’

“Yeah, I'll see you tonight.’’ Before hanging up the phone he could hear a faint ‘I told you so’ being yelled in the background, and his eyebrows knit together. He then turns to Jay and Jake as he slips his phone into his pocket.

“Was It obvious or something?’’

“Well in what context?’’

“Before we hung up I heard Jurin telling yn ‘I told you so’.”

“Well if you want our honest answer, she came along and suddenly you did an entire 180. If you’re asking if it was obvious that you had a thing for her, she’s practically the only one that hasn’t realized up until now.’’ Sunghoon simply pinches the bridge of his nose in response.

“Great. So it’s just obvious to everyone else before me.’’ Sunghoon complains, making Jake and Jay just shrug in response.

After hanging up the phone your evening consisted of constant nagging and reminders from Jurin that she was in fact right about Sunghoon. You yourself had still been in shock that he had asked you on a date in the first place, having been completely oblivious to his feelings towards you the entire time. For some reason it made you nervous at the thought, your stomach churned and you felt butterflies swarm the deepest pits of your belly. You never thought that Sunghoon of all people could have feelings for you or look at you as anything more than just his sister's music teacher. Your nerves began to bubble over as you fully came to the realization that Park Sunghoon did in fact make you anxious. It was now occurring to you just how often you’d think about him in a way that was not so friend-like. How you sometimes caught yourself admiring him when he laughed or smiled, or occasionally your thoughts would drift to what it’d be like to trace the beauty marks on his face. At the time when all of the thoughts would flood your brain you had chalked it up to them being some sort of intrusive thoughts. You even downplayed the way you would get all giddy when he’d come around, most of the time showing up to the dorm with the other guys or Yoari but it made your heart thump nonetheless. Having him suddenly act on his thoughts and ask you on a date had restructured your brain and the way you thought about him entirely. It made you realize that you were in fact drawn to Park Sunghoonin in a not so friend like way, whether that be romantically or on a deeper scale he was special to you.

“Yn can you hurry up you’ve been in there for an hour you had to have found an outfit and done your hair by now?’’ Jiaqi complains from down the hall, her and Jurin having been waiting for an hour and a half now listening to the shuffle of your feet in your room as you scramble to find something to wear.

Finally your door flies open and Jiaqi immediately shoots up from the couch, Jurin following suit.

“Does it…Does it look okay?’’ After nearly two hours of panicking over what to wear, how to do your makeup, how to style your hair, you’d finally made the choice to go simple. Black corset top and black mini skirt, black lace stockings and gloves to pull the look together along with your ribbon lace up pumps. Your hair slicked back into a bumped ponytail with loose curls adorning your forehead. It was a simple and elegant look that you’d had in mind to wear for a while yet were never given a reason to up until now.

“Well if the man isn’t in love already he might be after this.’’ Jiaqi comments as she takes in your look from head to toe.

“You mean to tell me you were hiding those boobs under all those tee shirts, sweaters and crop tops all this time?’’

“Jurin!”

“What am I doing wrong? Look at them?’’ Jiaqi shakes her head in response to her friend's comments and a knock at the door interrupts the slight banter between the two.

“I thought you told Sunghoon you’d meet him there?”

“I did? I told him he didn’t have to come all this way?’’ The three of you share a confused look with one another before watching as Jiaqi swung the door open.

Once your eyes fell upon the woman that stood on the other side you felt your entire world come crashing down at your feet. Jiaqi, just as enthusiastic as ever, greets her unknowingly, though the woman's eyes seemed to be searching for someone, searching for you. You’d given her zero chances to speak, your feet moved before you could even get yourself to think properly and you had run off pushing past the woman in the doorway and completely drowning out the sound of Jiaqis voice calling out to you in worry.

-

Meanwhile on the other side of town Sunghoon couldn’t stop glancing at his phone. You haven't called or texted nor had you shown up and he was starting to worry? Had you gotten sick again? Were you stuck in traffic? Surely you wouldn’t miss the recital you promised Yoari you’d be at, or the date that he had now gotten his hopes up for.

“did yn call? Or contact you at all? Did she say anything about being sick? Or being late?’’ he asks his mom who had been busy checking her business phone at his side.

“I haven’t heard from her sweetheart no, is there something wrong?’’

“She just- she promised Yoari she’d be here.’’

“You and Yoari think too highly of that girl Hoon, even the people you think are special to you can break promises.’’ Sunghoon stares at his phone one last time, a sigh spilling from his lips as he and the rest of his family fully make their way into the venue.

-

You ran until the air in your lungs began to feel like a breath of fire, until your chest felt so heavy you thought it would cave in. You didn’t know where you were or how far you ran but you knew one thing for sure, you needed to get away from campus. Your brain was moving 50 miles per hour and it felt as if the ground itself would swallow you whole at any moment. Your heavy breathing combined with the antagonizing ringing in your ears making it hard for you to think properly. Two years, two years you had gone without her finding you and now she stood in the doorway of your very own dorm room.

13 missed calls from Jurin, 15 from jiaqi. They'd all been searching for you, worried about you. The moment you ran off the two girls followed behind you. They called everyone to help look for you, Jake, Jay, Yeonjung, Haknyeon, Jinyoung, the only one having missed every call being Park Sunghoon. He wanted nothing to do with you or your friends at that moment, he opened himself to you, made himself vulnerable enough to accept his feelings and ask you on a date and you couldn’t even be bothered to show.

When you finally had calmed down enough to come to your senses you realized that you didn’t know where to go, your home was an hour away and if you went back to your own dorm you risked running into her again. You had no money on you nor did you have your phone because you’d just run off without thinking the moment you saw her standing there. It was then you realized there was one place you knew for a fact you were always welcomed, you also came to the realization that you had been late to the recital. Even as thunder clouds came rolling in and the night turned cold you ran for half an hour until you finally made it to the venue, but unfortunately you had already been too late. Yoari had already performed and the Park family had gone home not even bothering to stay for the next hour of the showcase. Your heart sank in your chest as you realized what you had done. Not only had you broken your promise to Yoari, but you completely missed out on your date with Sunghoon.

The dark clouds that loomed over you as you walked for yet another hour had finally begun to pour down with rain, Completely soaked from the rain and shivering from the cold you eventually found yourself outside the park residence. By the time you arrived the four of them had been stepping out of their car, Mrs. and Mr. Park had stepped into the house already while Sunghoon went to pick up his sleeping sister from the backseat. Yoaris' eyes fluttered open for a moment and she seemed to be the first to notice you, wrapped in Sunghoon’s arms and clinging to him tightly. She simply looked the other way as she saw you approaching, Sunghoon noticed you shortly after, but he said nothing.

“Ari…” your heart broke as you watched her rest her head on Sunghoons shoulder completely ignoring you. Your gaze shifts to Sunghoon who had been obviously upset but he’d been trying his best to not say a word to you.

“Sunghoon I-”

“Save it. You made a promise to her. Cross my heart and hope to die, remember.’’

“Sunghoon just let me explain-”

“You should have explained 6 missed calls ago, you’re no better than your mother.” Knowing that they had been upset with you hurt, but Sunghoon’s words stung like hell and cut deep. Sunghoon himself didn’t know why he’d let such words slip from his mouth, but it had been too late to take back. He’d already said it, and he could tell by the look on your face and the glossiness of your eyes that it’d already gotten to you. And although he should have taken it back right then and there, should have apologized and made it right he just walked away, letting his own emotions dictate his actions.

During your walk back to the campus you couldn’t help but think about how in just three hours things had completely fallen apart. You didn’t know when you made it back to campus having been completely out of it the entire way back there, but you were immediately snatched back from your thoughts hearing a familiar voice.

“Yn?’’ As you whipped your head around your tired eyes met with Sunwoos, all it took was for him to say three simple words for you to break down all over again.

“Are you okay?”

🔖 @jwonistic @bubblytaetae @pkjay @heesallure @planetmarlowe @dreeki @butterflywonz @lillotus17 @squiishymeow @river-demon-slayer @sol3chu @st4rryst4r @firstclassjaylee @right-person-wrong-time @riribelle @gaytron3000 @heesunghooney @i03jae @blackhairandbangs @sunooqvrlsx @addictedtohobi @enaile23 @ivyvioletcarson @kristynaaah @starbyeol1512 @tinyteezer @jkslvsnella @brianashiftz @starbyeol1512 @miuwonis

[andhumanslovedstories]

I've been thinking the kind of writing I do and the kind of reactions it gets. Some authors get goofy comics of their works. Me? I just got a comment on my Captain America: Winter Soldier fic that I helped the reader understand 9/11. I am, by the way, delighted by that.

I struggle to describe my own writing style. It's wordy, I know that, and favors a LOT of detail, to its benefit and detriment. I'm indulging this tendency for my current fic because it's fanfic and I am having a lot of fun seeing what details I write that I end up elaborating on, but my number one style goal this year is to work on brevity and a snappier pace. My style is so introspective; characters spend a lot of time reflecting on themselves. I put a lot of work into making my characters complex, even at times contradictory because I think that's true to human nature. And by god, do I think about a story's themes. Do other writers think about themes this much? Sometimes I'm like, hey brain, I'm actually good on themes. Would love to get some plot.

Not to entice all the sapiosexuals out there, but I take a very cerebral approach writing. (This does not btw mean that the fic itself will be particularly intelligent.) I'm not saying this is a good or bad way--it's one way to write. My writing can feel very cold to me. Very same-y as well. That's why writing SQQ pov is so fun, it's such a radically different voice than my usual.

The fic I'm writing now was supposed to be a lighthearted fic that was an excuse for me to practice writing a sex scene. Almost 80k words in, it's so super not that. I just can't resist the thrall of complication. Although you know, as I'm writing this, I'm not exactly sure what an "intellectual approach" to writing even means to me. I use big words? I overuse semi-colons?

Maybe it's the way that I'm so language-forward in my writing. Like, what I love doing is crafting a sentence. Someone described literature to me as writing where the main draw is the author's technical accomplishment in executing their style. I definitely favor authorial voice, to the point where the stories I write that I like least feel like balsa wood gilded over. It looks nice, but you quickly realize it's weak as hell.

There's works that clearly value style over plotting, and vice versa. You need both when you write--all plot with no style reads like a synopsis of itself and all style with no plot is imagery in pursuit of nothing. Both very boring in their own way. It's interesting how totally which one weighs more affects every part of the story. Mrs. Dalloway is not a fast-paced page turner, and a thriller doesn't halt itself so we can read really beautiful, pointless paragraphs about how the color of the sky evokes memories of a long ago time when you were so different.

Maybe what I mean is that my stories tend to evolve out of the ideas that I'm exploring. In the fic I'm writing now, I had this core conceit of misunderstanding: people failing to interpret something without knowing they're doing so. In a way, the entire story is about the hard work of moving from misunderstanding to understanding. Getting information, interpreting it, having that interpretation challenged, exploring what that challenge provokes, moving either closer or further from "the truth". Shen Qingqiu misunderstands basically everything, and basically everyone misunderstands Shen Qingqiu. What situations can I make that center on misunderstandings? I also think a lot about the concept of fault--how have people failed in the past, how are they failing in the present, and how do you make up from what you have done wrong? Do you get to just move forward? Are you always at mercy of whatever you did in the past?

So a lot of the plot of the story stems out of ways that I can bring those ideas to the forefront. When I get stuck, I think of different ways these concepts can manifest. Ming Fan's getting a whole plotline because of this. I like my writing, I do, but I’ve really been thinking about the way I write affects what I write. And then in turn the reactions I get to my writing. And then I wrote this whole post because ao3 was down and I couldn’t post my chapter. And now here we are.

Also general DVD commentary on OOC fic--I hit such a roadblock because we're very close to the point of the story where Big Things are going to happen, and I could not decide on exactly how those things should occur. I had about three ideas that I was excited about. None of them were compatible with the others and each would have very different emotional implications. It's hard to write when you're essentially juggling three different drafts. The only way I got myself to commit to one was promising myself that I could always write AUs of my own fic. I honestly doubt I'll get around to doing that, but who knows. Maybe someday there will be a fic of (spoiler warnings ig for things that aren't going to happen) this fic's version of sqq and lbh in the endless abyss together.

Also you would not imagine the amount of thought I've given which conversation should happen before the abyss and where each character relationship needs to be. I have dithered like crazy. And there's so many relationships I'm working with. I'm keeping track of Shen Qingqiu's relationship with: Luo Binghe, Liu Qingge, Yue Qingyuan, Mu Qingfang, Ming Fan, Shen Jiu, Qing Jing Peak as a whole, a couple of OCs, the System, and his concept of self. Mu Qingfang has not been on screen for a minute but it's not because he doesn't haunt my plot outline. Sorry, bud, everyone else just keeps getting more pressing stuff.

[lime-bloods]

in Problem Sleuth, the rule is that for a demon to escape a black hole, an angel has to fall back in - or vice versa. I made this allusion back when Vriska was still stuck in the Plot Point, but I recognised then that this seemed like an unlikely direction for Beyond Canon to go in, and the events of 8r8k largely reinforce this feeling; the animation is about convergence, rather than divergence. (perhaps Vriska's angel- and devil-selves have merged into a demigoddess, instead?) but there are still a few crumbs I feel are worth taking note of. firstly, that 8r8k seems to be at least playing with the iconography of angels radiating from a black hole:

secondly; I now think the Plot Point storyline actually sets (Vriska) up as a symbolic angel? the segment opens with this kind of offbeat callback to Jaspers' tomb...

...which employs a trifecta of symbols that malo already figured out years ago - cats are angels are babies. but page 666 plays in this space in its own unique ways, too, frequently reiterating that the sprites and other hell-ghosts are eternal children. within the example set by Davepetasprite, the sense is that Vriska's eternal child-self must also be her angel-self.

(I also can't shake the feeling that the allusion to Jaspers' tomb - especially keeping in mind that it's Roxy herself who engineered one-half of the Plot Point* - is supposed to put us in the frame of mind of burying a child: that (Vriska) has to be buried for Vriska to ascend, in the same way I previously suggested an eight ball would have to be "sunk" to end the session? but it could be that I have things the complete wrong way around, and that the point is to exhume the child, as Rose does - if what follows is the "8r8k", then an eight ball is being set free rather than sunk? after all, Vriska's transformation also comes with being liberated from parenthesis!)

far more than vague symbols, though, there's one thing that page 666 directly calls attention to but which doesn't yet seem to have been paid off: the two-Nepeta problem.

right before Vriska comes face to face with herself, she calls attention to the fact that there are two Nepetas, and as a result one of them is whooshed away back to irrelevance. so what was that all about? if this hanging thread suggests the hatching of the meteor isn't necessarily the end of the Plot Point story thread, does it suggest, as I speculated previously, that the ascension of one Vriska means the descent of another? and so long as I am speculating: how sure can we be that a Twin Peaks scenario hasn't happened, and that the Vriska who 'ascended' is the one we think it was? Hell Tier Vriska's costume prominently evokes (Vriska)'s red belt and tall boots; is that because Vriska has come to accept (Vriska)'s existence, or because the new Vriska is Vriska? or maybe the distinction just isn't important anymore, like the 8r8k seems to be trying to tell us.

*if we can still think of Meenah as Roxy's doppelganger, it's hard for all of this not to be coloured by the fact that (Vriska) is Meenah's own 'little girl', too, even if it is in a slightly different way to the way that Jaspers is Roxy's 'little girl'... (though malo once argued that these things are more connected than they are distinct.) considering the consistent emphasis on (Vriska)'s youth and the vivid canny with which page 666 addressed Vriska's relationship to Doc Scratch, it would be an odd choice at this point to not ever address the situation with Meenah, especially now that the latter has risen to such a prominent role in the cast. the way Vriska subtly slips into the role of her own abuser over the last four years in the Plot Point only places emphasis on the lingering unease behind the whole thing. setting (Vriska) free for a bit could be one way to do that, though a merged Vriska could just as easily have the same confrontation.

[hotheadedhero]

i am absolutely in love with your writing style and i see requests are open hehehehe

perhaps a rise!donnie with a gn reader that is “high intelligence low wisdom”? like, theyre smart and all and can understand a lot of his work, but they next moment they do something absolutely idiotic?

anyway thanks for considering <3

AN: If I've got the right idea then oh, ohoho, I think I can do this. Kinda describes me as a person 😅 And thank you!! I'm glad you enjoy the spoils of my crazy brain <3

A Dichotomy in Donnie's Dearest

Donatello x Reader

Donatello has a field day with you. Finding another entity as smart as him is unfounded but you're an enigma altogether. You're not necessarily the next Einstein, but your ability to fathom even half of the stuff that comes out of his mouth is impressive. Some nights, you'll both have conversations about biomechanics, nuclear chemistry, or anything that weasels its way into the mix. It isn't uncommon for you two to stay up until the break of dawn when you get caught up in such exchanges. In fact, your propensity for science drew him towards you in the first place. You make quite a pair, like how a covalent bond is a formation of electrons shared between two atoms.

Although, he supposes that if that is the attractive force in this analogy, your disposition for thick-witted conduct is the repulsive force. The difference between your divine intellect and your misshapen ability to function in society is an astounding, if not worrying prospect. It's as though you completely forgot yourself and he can only speculate how.

Initially, he chalked it up to a faulty memory: forgetting to switch the socket on when you plug your laptop in, not realising your phone is in your hand whilst it's 'lost', completely losing your train of thought mid-conversation. Standard, everyday predicaments that aren't unfounded amongst the greater world.

That assumption was quickly abandoned when he took closer note of some things that come out of your mouth - certain "theories" of yours that he hopes are funny thoughts and nothing more.

"Do you reckon tissues get their name from the fact that when we sneeze, we say, a-tissue?" you ask him.

You can't be serious, surely. Perhaps it was merely a bad attempt at a pun. If so, he'll have to limit your spending time with his oh-so-dear brother, Leonardo. It's bad enough having one person galivanting around thinking they're funny, let alone two.

He can't even begin to form a base for what you've just asked him, and instead replies so, "Life is too short for me to answer such questions."

It doesn't end there. He wishes he could say it does but it doesn't.

"I just figured out why a peanut is called a peanut!" The unparalleled excitement in your voice is enough to shock him out of his mortal body but the content source of your jovial commotion is mind-boggling and not in a good way. When he does nothing other than stare, you continue, "They're like peas in a pod but the nut version!"

"A dazzling deduction, my love," he remarks tiredly, wondering how you're the same person he discusses string theory with. "The limits of your knowledge truly know no bounds."

He's just glad Aristotle isn't around to see this side of humanity. It isn't limited to what you say, either. Worst of all, it's the things you do. Such as, when you try to eat something despite the fact it's just come out of the oven. Bonus 'dumb-dumb' points if you try to take food out of the oven without gloves. To put it simply, he doesn't trust you in the kitchen - a caution further validated when you rubbed your eyes after cutting jalapeno peppers once. You have been effectively banned.

He's lost count of how many times you've elbowed your own hip whilst rolling over in bed, or the many instances you've attempted to pull a push door and vice versa. That isn't even taking into account the countless times you have visited the lair without waterproof clothing, despite how long you've been coming down. Let's just say that the already long list is seemingly never-ending.

His frequent sighs of annoyance never offend you. If anything, it makes you laugh that much more when he appears physically pained by your antics. It's as though you enjoy his suffering. From your perspective, there's no harm in the odd hiccup here and there. You're merely enjoying life for what it is and know when to have a giggle at yourself.

Donnie believes himself to be a prodigy and he is! He can solve most if not all conundrums thrust his way but you - you - are the one he can't figure out. Yet, no matter how many times you engage in these idiotic behaviours, he still loves you. Besides, thinking any less of you would be a stupefying case of hypocrisy if he weren't to acknowledge his own blunders. Granted, his mistakes are often in the name of science but you are truly a match made in imbecilically astute Elysium.

AN: Btw, the things about the tissues, peanuts, and elbowing hips? Real stuff from me. Idk how I function

[scummy-writes]

Live Ikemen Tierlist Results

I used This Tierlist, but didnt include the games I wasn't familiar with. This was super fun to do on stream, and I hope to try and get the vod out tomorrow (sunday)! The vod is on my Twitch currently, but the youtube one will have links and links to some fandom folks i reference. Judging the whole tierlist took nearly four hours, so there was a LOT of discussion. would be good for bg noise.

All of this is in good fun and is not to shame anyone who enjoyed characters I don't like, or vice versa. Feel free to ask further about 'em, i don't mind elaborating in fun discussion.

Tiers

Gilbert - His own tier. He holds all of my braincells save for one or two.

LOML - 'love of my life', characters who I am very fond of to a big extend. A lot of these guys I have merch of and like to get merch of. I love them a lot, even if I didnt like some of their routes.

Would Happily Die Together - this was worded poorly, in retrospect LOL this is supposed to be like....would die happily together GROWING OLD or similar. I don't think I elaborated that at all on the stream. long loving relationship, but they wouldnt fulfill me as much as the LOML tier.

Used To love - About half of this tier are folks I initially played the game for/played first and enjoyed a ton, and others are not. hmm. They're still fond in my head, but they're not thought about as much as the upper tiers.

MAD ABOUT IT - ............i'm mad I like these fucks.

Wallet is in Fear - I am too scared to like these guys due to the irrepairable damage they could wrought onto my wallet. I haven't played any of their routes and I'm still very hesitant to do so. (jude needs to get bent still)

I'm Scared Of Vers/Chat - Vee threatened me if I put Fenrir anywhere bad, and thus this tier was born! I think everyone reacted the most at me almost putting Will lower. I haven't...read....fenrir...due to not liking him........much..... Vlad and Will weren't as villainy as I wanted them to be.

Platonicness Awkward - is supposed to be 'platonic awkwardness' but apparently i short circuted. I would not bang these dudes and have a loving relationship with them. its all more platonic for me and they're fine.

Not My Type - was supposed to be a chill 'nah' tier, but after loudly exclaiming that Yuki needed to 'get bent' for pumping and dumping us, things escalated between "eehhh he's not my type" to going "GET BENT!!!" Have fun...guessing who is what?

Favorite-In-Law - friends or people I know love them so much that I can only consider them as some sort of in-law. Some characters were not given this treatment based on how badly they needed to get bent. I was bullied into putting Kantesugu here and was told to do his route by multiple people...

Smash - I'd smash charles and jin. that's just that. Jin would treat me well, and Charles would politely do me dirty.

[empresskylo]

beneath the mask ✩ chapter 14 ⬅ch.13

➠𝐌𝐃𝐍𝐈; 𝟏𝟖+ 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓; 𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓 ➠SIMON "GHOST" RILEY X AFAB!READER ➠CHAPTER TAGS | lil nsfw. wc 3.6k ➠AUTHOR'S NOTE | sorry this took so long!!! next ch will be out very soon because i am foaming at the mouth writing it..

𝐛𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐤 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ✩ 𝐜𝐨𝐝 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ✩ 𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

one thing you hadn’t really given much thought to was the fact that your relationship with your lieutenant would be frowned upon. 

everything about the two of you was forbidden. he was your direct superior while you worked on his team. he was in a much higher position of power than a measly cadet or even a sergeant. if others found out, you were risking your position. you might even get switched to a whole new division. of course, simon would be fine given his importance to price and shepherd. but you? you were expendable. you could be replaced. 

simon read your thoughts as they crossed your mind that following morning. “feelin’ regretful?” you had fallen asleep beside him that night, locked away in this little bubble the two of you had created. once you stepped out of his room, you’d be hit with the harsh reality of the complexity of your situation. the forbidden fortitude that stood between the two of you. 

“no, i…” your words trailed off as you shifted on the balls of your feet. you had to get to the infirmary for your shift, but an invisible force was telling you not to leave this room. that when you crossed the threshold, everything was going to fall apart. or you’d be jolted awake, everything that had happened between the two of you last night would all have been a dream. 

simon wanted to tell you that you didn’t have to do this if it was too much for you. but if he voiced that, there was a very real possibility you would take his words and resonate with them—that he wasn’t enough for all this trouble. and he was selfish , so he stayed quiet.

you twirled your hands anxiously together as you debated walking through the door. simon approached you from behind, his shadow sending a shiver down your spine. he wore sweats and a fitted exercise shirt. his hand brushed the tendrils of hair away that hung on the back of your neck, making goosebumps rise in their wake. 

he had never been a very touchy person. he didn’t need physical contact to know someone cared about him, or vice versa. but after feeling you against his body—the warmth of your skin, the softness of your hands, the silkiness of your hair—he had a desire to always be touching you. ever since that night in the bar bathroom, the feel of your plush skin beneath his, he was entranced. he felt like he had a pulled muscle in his hand ever since, his body just itching to have you connected back against him. 

“no one will find out, if that’s what you’re worried ‘bout,” he said, wanting to reassure you. 

you turned to face him, his hand falling to your hip. the words were right there, but they felt tight in your throat as you gazed up at him, his eyes locked on yours. he was always so intense. 

“you don’t know that.”

his lip quirked at the corner ever so slightly. “no one’s gonna be thinkin’ i’m foolin’ around with ya.”

you tilted your head. “what’s that supposed to mean?”

his fingers tightened their grip on your hip. “need me to spell it out for ya?” 

you scowled at him and his eyes danced between yours. 

“you’re sweet n’kind, makin’ friends with everyone here. ‘n i’m…” he paused, and you were able to fill in what he meant. he was a scary, hardass. “no one’s gonna look twice if they see us together in the hall. no one will be thinkin’ there's anythin’ happenin’ here.”

“no one would suspect you of being with me because i’m so…what? innocent? and you’re not?” you crossed your arms in annoyance, but you knew he was onto the right idea.

he chuckled and your heart stopped for a brief second. “kinda. yeah.”

“i don’t think you know how their minds work.”

“no?” he questioned, a dark look in his eyes. he backed you up so you were pressed to his door, trapped in his arms on either side of you now. “tell me. what would they be thinkin’, then? since you seem t’know them so well.”

you swallowed hard as simon’s eyes trailed down to your lips, his face leaning in quite close to yours. “you… uhm. well… you’re seen as what every guy here wishes they could be.”

“that so?” he said coyly. 

“you know… you’re more skilled—more feared—than any other man here. they all wish they could be you.”

“they’d regret it the second they got their wish”

“i’m serious,” you said, trying to get him to listen to your words fully. “they admire you in an i-wish-i-was-as-badass-and-as-feared-as-he-is sort of way. and that kind of admiration carries on into all aspects. they definitely all think you’re better than them beyond what they can see.”

“where is this goin’?” 

your hands reached out and grabbed onto his shirt, pulling his waist closer to you. simon’s eyes flickered down to watch, then back up. 

“they think you get all the women you could possibly want. and then some. because that’s what they’d imagine for themselves if they were a war hero.”

“hero s’bit of a stretch.”

you rolled your eyes. “so we may be on different… calibers. but they probably think you’ve fucked every girl on base already. i’m just another check on your list.”

“s’not true.”

“i didn’t say it was. just what they think.”

you were looking at his chest as you spoke. 

“that make y’jealous?”

your eyes darted to his. “what? no.” your cheeks were suddenly ten degrees warmer. 

“s’not against the rules to sleep with ya. i don’t see the problem.” right. they couldn’t technically stop you from sleeping with teammates, but they could put a stop to things if it went beyond that.

“all i’m saying is they might suspect something if we’re around each other too much.”

he hummed in acknowledgment. though, you suspected he understood what you meant long before that moment. 

“so i jus’ won’t do this out there, then,” he said before crashing his lips against yours. 

you made a squealing noise in the back of your throat, not expecting his kiss. your hands clutched his shirt tighter in your fists as he attacked you. he rolled his hips against yours in desperation and you heard him grunt. it took everything in you to break away. “i–i have to get to my shift,” you said breathlessly. 

he kissed you again before taking a step back, letting his hands fall to his side so you could open the door. you felt a bit dumbfounded at his stark switch, his clutch on you disappearing almost instantaneously. “oh, okay,” you muttered, understanding he was letting you leave. 

was he annoyed at you?

you turned the door handle but his hands were faster as he spun you around. you yelped in surprise. his lips grazed your ear as he spoke. “i’ll find you tonight.”

and with that, he let you go and strolled over to his bathroom, likely to shower. 

you blinked several times from the whiplash before grinning like an idiot and heading out of his room.

your hand ticked with anxiety as you typed medical reports into your computer in the office of the infirmary. tomorrow you were accompanying the crew on another mission. price had seemed to think you fit in well enough to keep working with the guys. 

you misspelled the same word several times, sighing as you repeatedly hit the backspace on your keyboard. this meant that you were going to be in close quarters with all the men for the foreseeable future, no one quite knowing how long things would take hunting down hassan. and currently, your relationship with simon had to be kept a secret. the overwhelming anxiety about someone finding out filled you to no end. 

“shit,” you mumbled to yourself as you, miffed as you screwed up another set of numbers. 

you finally pushed away from your desk and let your hands fall to your lap, taking a quick breather. 

not only were you worried about hiding this thing between you and simon, but you had an unsettling feeling that things might be… weird between the two of you. it was only yesterday afternoon that you thought he hated you—when he was messing with your head. and suddenly you were his girlfriend? it was happening so fast you weren’t sure how to digest it. 

what if you didn’t do the things he expected from you? what if he ended up changing his mind and deciding you’re too awkward to be with? did he expect you to sneak off to sleep in the same spot as him while in the field? did he want you to talk to him during travel time? or would that make things too obvious? or did he simply want the peace and quiet? 

so many things muddled your brain. 

“you alright?” one of your medic friends asked you. 

you spun in your wheely chair to face her. “peachy.”

she smirked, writing something down on the clipboard she was holding. “nervous about leaving tomorrow?”

you brushed some imaginary lint off your uniform. “i mean, i’ve gone with them multiple times now.”

“i didn’t ask you how many times you’ve gone off with them, i asked if you were nervous.”

your eyes darted to hers. “maybe a little…”

she sat back against the counter and rested the clipboard on her upper thighs. “shit. i would be too if i was responsible for keeping 141 alive.”

you rolled your eyes. “very comforting.”

she smirked. “i’d also be giddy as hell if i were you. some of us never see action… not that that’s a bad thing. but, i know for a fact some of the others are jealous price picked you out of all of us.”

“they are?”

“mhm. think he’s playin’ favorites.”

“what?” your eyes widened in defense. “price definitely does not favor me. besides, it’s scary as hell. i mean, you know what happened to me last time…”

“no, i get it. i’m on your side. but to work besides the captain? and ghost? yeah, some of these men would kill for that opportunity.”

“oh. i didn’t realize…” you squirmed uncomfortably in your seat. “maybe the captain would reconsider someone else going in my stead. i don’t mind…”

she shook her head at you, pushing herself away from the counter. “i wasn’t tellin’ you all this to try and get you to fold. fuck those guys. you earned your way there whether they like it or not. what you’re doing is amazing and kind of crazy.” she grinned. “you know what you should do? smile at them when you walk by. that’ll piss them off. its not your fault they’re so incompetent price had to pick a woman .” she gave you a sarcastic grin with her last words, mocking what she had heard the other men around her saying about you out of frustration. 

she reminded you of all the things soap had said to you—all his words of encouragement. you felt stupid needing praise in order to get by. you remember ghost asking if you were expecting a good job and a pat on the back for doing what you were supposed to. 

he was right. but still, you appreciated your friend’s words.

“thanks,” you said as you stood. 

“girls gotta have girls’ backs, right?” she smiled before walking back out into the wing to attend to patients. 

it was getting late as you stared at the clock’s hand on the wall. your shift was about to end and you were feeling a little anxious about what to do. was simon really going to find you tonight? would he knock at your door knowing your roommate might be in her bunker? was he expecting you to go to him? 

you grabbed your bag and slung it over your shoulder, going to exit the infirmary wing. maybe you’d stop by his room… or would that seem too clingy? you hated how much you were overthinking everything. you hadn’t done this in any of your previous relationships, so why now?

your overactive mind was cut off when you strolled out of the room, crashing into a large body. you looked up, a little astonished and in disbelief, as the masked man looked down at you, his hands steadying you. 

“simon? what are you doing— oh, shit —sorry. i meant ghost…” you looked around the hall to make sure you were alone and no one overheard you saying ghost’s real name. that would just raise suspicions. 

his large warm hands squeezed your shoulders. “would y’relax?” 

your head turned to look up at him, his soft balaclava covering the scars you had now known were spread across his face. 

“i’m sorry, i just… i don’t know what i’m doing,” you said, taking an interest in your feet. 

his hand slid under your chin and tilted it up. “neither do i.”

“well, that certainly is a recipe for disaster,” you said softly, earning a chuckle from simon. 

his eyes bore into yours and you felt the need to fill the silence. “my roommate will be in my room.”

simon dropped his hand. “mhm.”

“i’m just saying, you can’t come there.” 

he nodded. “i know.”

your fingers pulled at a loose thread of your uniform as you spoke. “and we leave early tomorrow, someone might see me leaving your room if i stay there…”

“quite observant.”

you scoffed, a bit of the pressure leaving your shoulders at his playful tone. “what i’m saying is, what are you doing here?”

he pushed his mask up to reveal a smirk on his lips. you gasped and looked around the hall again. “simon, what if someone—”

he cut you off by grabbing your cheek and turning your face towards him. he immediately crashed his lips to yours. a brief swooning feeling filled your chest as his thumb brushed soft strokes to your cheek. your body melded against his perfectly, his hand holding your lower back, dragging you into him. all of the anxiety momentarily fled from your body as simon consumed your every sense. 

his soft stubble ticked you as he moved his mouth gently against yours. you whined unconsciously as he went a bit harder, his tongue desperate as it slid into your mouth. his hand on your cheek caught the wall behind you, preventing you both from falling as he pushed against you, your body obeying his every move, your back arching into him. 

he groaned softly as he pulled away. it was almost painful for him to stop so soon, but he knew how risky this was. you panted as you caught your breath, his arm still clung around your lower waist.

his eyes danced between yours, his face still dangerously close to yours. “didn’t wanna g’to sleep without doin’ that first.”

your face warmed. “i didn’t take you for such a romantic,” you lightly teased.

he smiled before pulling his mask back down and standing straight up. the loss of his body against yours was something you didn’t expect to feel so vehemently. “there's a lot of things y’don’t know ‘bout me.”

simon traced the smile on your lips as you stared up at him. he felt like he didn’t deserve any of this. his hand tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear and he gave you one last lookover before turning to walk away.

you called out to him before he could get far. “are you okay with me coming tomorrow?” he stopped in his tracks. “i mean, are you okay after what happened….”

his hand balled into a fist before he looked over his shoulder at you. “can’t say i'm thrilled with the idea.”

“but you’ll be there,” you added. he was going to be there to watch you. not that you needed it, but if he was worried about you getting taken again, or hurt—

“m’not a hero. i can’t always be there to save you.” there was something harsh lingering in his words. it wasn’t directed at you, but himself. as if he was to blame for not being able to control fate.

his eyes averted your own. 

“i know that. i was just saying—”

“i know what you’re sayin’” he snapped. you swallowed hard and he took a breath. “no, m’not glad you’re comin’, as much as i wanna see you. m’worried m’gonna be so focused on you the entire time, makin’ sure you’re safe, i’ll mess somethin’ up. get someone else killed.” he took a frustrated breath, seeing the hurt lingering in your eyes as he spoke. “and if something were to happen t’you…” he paused briefly. “i was there last time, and look what happened.”

“simon, that wasn’t your—”

he stepped closer to you, his hands on his hips as he towered above you. “jus’ promise me you’ll be careful. diligent.”

with your lips slightly parted, you nodded. 

“good.”

his fingers found your chin, his thumb stroking across the soft of your lips. and it seemed like there was something else he wanted to say, something he was contemplating. but he just gave you one final look before taking off down the hall. 

you woke to vigorous knocking on your door. your roommate rolled over in her bed, “what the fuck.”

you quickly got up, eyes blurred, and opened it to find soap. “soap? what time is it?”

“we gotta go, lass. grab your shit.”

“wait, what?”

“leavin’ earlier than expected. el sin nombre’s having a…” he searched for the word,  “ party in las almas tonight.” his eyes looked behind you briefly. “that your bag?” you turned then nodded. “grab it and let's go.”

you changed frantically and slung your bag over your shoulder before hustling down the barracks to the port. 

it was two in the morning, the sun a long way from coming up. you stepped outside onto the gravel, several men throwing things into the humvee you were to be taking. 

you came up beside price who was saying something to gaz. “iaso, good, you’re here.”

“course, captain.”

he gestured his head to the back of the vehicle. “get in. we’re departin’ in two.”

johnny came up behind you and patted your back. “lookin’ good,” he mocked, referring to your disarray. 

“sorry, i didn’t exactly have the time to get dolled up.”

he chuckled before climbing into the humvee. he stretched out a hand and heaved you up. you quickly did a head count, noticing a certain skull-wearing man was missing. 

you sat between soap and graves. you nervously looked over at him and said “hi,” settling your bag between your legs. something about graves always made you a bit on edge. and having him here, right now, made the hairs on your neck rise. he would usually meet on location. he didn’t typically travel with the team very often.

he glanced at you and gave a polite nod. soap leaned over to speak quietly in your ear. “we’ll be meetin’ alejandro there.”

“right.”

like a sixth sense, you could feel him looking at you. ghost stepped onto the humvee and sat across from you, his eyes tracing you intently. you smiled at him and shifted uncomfortably under his watch. it was so hard to read what he was thinking under that mask. eventually, he looked away, staring at something else that caught his attention. 

it felt so weird. everything about this felt weird. you were… dating your lieutenant. that sentence sounded so strange, like it wasn’t supposed to be strung together. 

and here he was, his knees mere inches from yours, and you had to pretend like everything between the two of you was strictly professional. 

you listened to the rumble of the humvee and the soft words soap muttered to you. it would take hours to get to las almas. eventually, you fell asleep, the sky still dark and filled with stars. it was a restless sleep absent of dreams. 

the rumbling of the motor came to a brief lull, shaking you from your nap. you sat up, realizing your head had been resting against graves' shoulder. “oh my god,” you said rather faintly. “i’m sorry, i didn't mean to–”

“s’okay,” he said. “would never complain having a pretty lady falling asleep on me.” 

your face warmed and you heard soap chuckle on the other side of you. “i know yer depraved, but she’s off limits,” soap joked. 

graves shook his head, likely thinking back to soap’s similar words that night in the bar. he nodded at you, then got up and left the humvee. 

you turned to soap, whispering. “what was that about?”

soap adjusted his tac vest. “what’dya mean?”

“ off limits ,” you mimicked. your chest tightened, worried soap had already somehow found out about you and lt.

soap stood up and stretched. “i was jus’ tryna help you. but, hey, if that’s the road y’wanna go down, be my guest,” he said, holding up his hands. he smirked at you before getting out. 

you quickly gathered your bag and stood, your chest colliding with ghost’s. “s-sorry,” you muttered, looking up at him and then quickly looking away.

“you’re makin’ it obvious by tryna not be obvious,” he mumbled so only you could hear him. 

“right,” you said. you nodded at him, similar to the way graves had respectfully nodded at you, and you climbed out of the humvee into the early morning light. 

ghost’s hand clenched as he watched you. sure, he was possessive—a bit overprotective too—but this feeling of jealousy was a new feeling for him. or, rather, it was a feeling he hadn’t experienced to its full extent in years. 

but watching you rest on graves' shoulder, nothing he could do about it… filled his chest with rage he knew he had to subdue, and fast. the last thing you all needed was a messy mission. 

chapter 15 ➡

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

This might be a question long overdue, but I just want to know something.

WHEN DID FÉLIX FALL IN LOVE WITH KAGAMI???

Isn't "Pretension" right after "Emotion"??? Am I just to assume that in-between episodes, Félix was just stalking Kagami (how he gets from London to Paris and vice versa is beyond me) and somewhere along the way, he fell in love?

He was chatting her up during the Diamonds' Dance, but weren't they talking about Adrienette and Kagami's ring? In what part of that conversation did Félix have his anime BA-DUMP moment?

And seriously? Kagami just vouches for Félix because what? He showed some humanity by not liking calling the sentimonsters monsters? How does that mean anything?

Kagami has shown thus far that she isn't a good judge of character (either that or I'm missing something), so how can she be sure Félix even meant a word?

Félix isn't just "someone who can't express himself". Sure, he was emotionally stunted, but that doesn't excuse anything he did as "someone who can't express himself".

He expressed himself very well. He expressed his beliefs, his backstory, the whole Doofenshmirtz monologue. And even if he was bad at expressing himself, I wouldn't trust Kagami to tell me that.

I've briefly talked about this before in a broader post on Félix's bad writing, but I'm not even sure if Felix loves Kagami. Nothing in Emotion sets up Félix falling for her. His crush just randomly shows up in Pretension which is indeed the episode after Emotion. According to the dialogue, it was love at first sight mixed with some actual stalking:

Kagami: What is it you want to tell me?! Félix: I... I don't know. But ever since I saw you, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. I've felt that... you and I... were the same. (Kagami looks surprised.) Félix: We have so much in common, and yet, you're also so different. I've never met someone like you. Kagami: We don't even know each other! Félix: I know you. I've been following you non-stop. Kagami: Even better! You follow me, you spy on me and now you've kidnapped me to get to know me?! Félix:(shyly) Uh... yes?

And Kagami just goes with it because this show has incredibly messed up ideas about romance. I think Juleka and Rose are the only couple I actually ship in canon and that's only because homophobia is keeping the writing from making them an official couple. I'm sure they'd have some major flaw that I'd hate if they became canon because none of the canon teen couples feel healthy. They all have at least one glaring issue. I think the only healthy adult couple is Tom and Sabine and even they aren't great because they fall uncomfortably close to the trope where the doting wife is just there to support the main character husband. You might even feel that they are that trope! If you do, I won't argue against you because they're right on the edge for me.

Circling back to the ask: If Félix is in love with Kagami, then I don't think that he's in love with her as a person. He clearly only went after her because she's a sentimonster and that's his only requirement for a love interest. If she was human, then he wouldn't give her the time of day.

My cynical explanation for why Kagami fell for him is that she was programed to love Adrien, but Félix looks the same so the programing was able to switch targets, trapping her in another bad relationship. I have no other explanation for why she'd be interested in Félix after all of the crap he pulled on her. Kidnapping her. Stalking her. Snapping her mother and friends out of existence. What does she even see in him? Get some standards!!!

I suppose Kagami could just be using him to learn about sentimonsters and ensure her own freedom, but I doubt it. While that would be a fun twist, it doesn't fit Kagami's more concerning season five behavior like her outing Ladybug's identity to Félix. I still can't believe canon had her do that. It was worse character assassination than what season five did to Nino and Nathalie, on par with what the final did to Marinette. No one is safe, no matter how minor their role!

Feligami would also be a great way to talk about love and/or lust blinding you to a person's glaring flaws, but I don't think canon is doing that either. The writers seem to genuinely believe that this is a cute couple and that Kagami blindly trusting Félix after everything he's done to her is totally fine.

[fuanteinasekai]

I made a script for special #23. It's not a scanlation, just a script you can match up if you have the Japanese raws but you're struggling with the translation.

I fudged the translation a bit so it would flow more naturally, but I promise it's nothing important. Just things like using natural English or removing the 3 million "apparently"s that Japanese requires because otherwise they think you sound psychic.

A couple of translation notes: I kept "Japanese confectionary" as "wagashi shop" because I thought it sounded too unnatural translated (and wagashi is sometimes used in English). Wagashi are traditional Japanese sweets including anything from those fancy flower things (nerikiri) to simpler dango. Wagashi are often served with green tea, which I think fits Tanuma's kind of traditional vibe. Manjuu is also wagashi.

I translated shinyuu (親友) as "close friend" because it flowed best and is pretty close to the literal translation. But if you ask a Japanese person to tell you what they would call their best friend, it's shinyuu. Shinyuu literally means "intimate friend" and refers to a friend you are particularly close to, who understands you deeply, and who you can count on in hard times (and vice versa). Japanese does not have a word that literally means "best friend," so you can technically have more than one shinyuu. But Japanese people don't tend to throw these words around lightly, so for a lot of people shinyuu refers to one's singular closest friend. It varies. You can specifically say "close friend above all others" or muni no shinyuu but you'd generally have some kind of reason for that.

There is also a term "daishinyuu" which is more clearly "very (most) close friend," but I don't think it fits the tone or characterization as it's more modern and informal. Also, part of the reason I was specifically waiting for shinyuu is because Natsume is so stubborn about using yuujin for literally everyone that almost anything would be a milestone, but shinyuu is the classic.

Obligatory comment that I am non-native and not advanced, so minor grain of salt, etc.

Page 1

Sensei: Honestly! How long is he going to make us wait? He was supposed to be here ages ago.

Natsume: It's hardly been three minutes, Sensei.

Sensei: Those few minutes could be a fatal error! If the fresh dango are sold out how are you gonna make it up to me?

Natsume: But really, maybe something

Tanuma: Natsume

Tanuma: Sorry! I didn't mean to make you wait.

Page 2

Natsume: Woah, you're so fluffy, Tanuma.

Tanuma: Ugh… "They said there's a cold front coming through today."

Natsume: Ahh, Shigeru-san said that, too.

Tanuma: I said I was fine but he wouldn't let me go without wearing it.

Natsume: Haha, the priest?

Tanuma: ….

[Tanuma's dad is a Buddhist priest. Ever since he was little, Tanuma has drawn a lot of concern, one way or another falling ill often, so his dad is always worrying and looking after him.]

Sensei: Alright, to the wagashi shop, then!

Tanuma: Can we take a little detour first?

Sensei: WHAT!?

Natsume: Of course, I don't mind. [What for? ]

Tanuma: Just some mail.

Natsume: Mail?

Tanuma: I want to send this—

Tanuma?: Ah

Page 3

[It's blowing away]

[That's—]

Tanuma: Natsume

Natsume: I… I got it.

Tanuma: Are, are you okay, Natsume?

Tanuma: That was so risky…..

Tanuma: —But… it was about to be blown toward the river…

Page 4

Tanuma: Thank you, Natsume.

[When it was blowing away I saw beautiful seasonal flowers carefully painted in watercolor and writing so dense it didn't suit them.]

Natsume: Is that a hand-painted postcard? Sorry, I didn't mean to look.

[Even I don't know why I thought this but]

[it looked]

[just like a love letter…]

Tanuma: Oh, this.

Tanuma: My dad wrote it.

Page 5

Tanuma: To my mom.

[Our friends don't really ask me much because of my family situation.]

[And they rarely talk about their own families in front of me.]

[It's the same for Tanuma.]

Tanuma: My mom is far way.

Natsume: …. Ah.

Page 6

Tanuma: Oh! By "far away" I mean actually far away.

Tanuma: She lives separately.

Tanuma: But that doesn't mean there's a bad relationship.

Tanuma: —How do I put this.

Tanuma: My mom has always been in poor health.

Tanuma: But when she got together with Dad

Tanuma: and had me, her health suddenly deteriorated….

Tanuma: When she was hospitalized, she started to get better little by little but when dad happily went to visit her—

Tanuma: her health failed again—

Tanuma: The doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong, so they though maybe my father's visits were causing her some kind of stress.

Tanuma: So there was trouble with my mother's side of the family for a while, but…

Page 7

Tanuma: Dad decided to move out for mom's sake but

Tanuma: Mom hated it and begged and made a huge fuss.

Tanuma: Mom is still in convalescence but she's a lot better now so sometimes I go visit her.

Natsume: —…

[Nyanko-sensei once told me]

[Tanuma's dad was accompanied by an ayakashi with divine power, so terrifyingly strong and capricious]

[if it were jealous of someone like a close relative…]

[The ayakashi I see are sometimes terribly unfair.]

Tanuma: So my dad

Tanuma: Sometimes writes letters like this.

[Just like a love letter]

Page 8

[Because she is dear, they cannot meet. Because they cannot meet, he pours his heart into it—]

Natsume: … Tanuma…

Sensei: Hmph. Don't you write?

Tanuma: Er. Me? … I had been writing but recently it's been hard to write back…

Natsume:—Huh, why?

Tanuma: … She keeps pestering me "send a photo, send a photo." … because I wrote something carelessly…

Natsume: …Photo…? What did you write carelessly?

Tanuma: —…

Tanuma: …—I made a close friend here.

A final note: Japanese frequently drops pronouns so you have to use context to determine who is doing what. The "because she is dear" bit has zero pronouns. That is, a more literal translation is something like "because dear, unable to meet, because unable to meet, pour heart into." You see the issue. At first I thought, given it follows "just [like] a love letter," that it was a more general description of love letters, but "unable to meet because one is dear" seemed too specific so I chose to translate as being about Tanuma's parents in particular.

[yourfaveisintersex]

Hey sorry if this is like,, insane? I genuinely don’t know where to ask this.

So recently I was diagnosed with PCOS and I understand thats an intersex variant. I have hyperandrogism and stuff.

My problem is that it’s not visible, and so I struggle with whether to call myself intersex.

I guess it comes from this internalized idea of what intersex people are supposed to look like and that isn’t a healthy way to think about anything. I just… don’t know where to start unpacking that. I wouldn’t push these idea onto anyone else but I don’t know how to get over them.

Idk feel free to delete this i just wanted to see if you or your followers could give me some advice.

Okay so first of all you're allowed to be a little crazy insane in my inbox I'm literally on the other end /silly

Secondly I am slapping it in your head so lovingly and forcefully that YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE "VISIBLY INTERSEX" TO BE A ""VALID"" INTERSEX PERSON!!! Intersexuality is so hugely vast and varied (even for people with the same variation!) that there's no one way to "look intersex".

The idea that someone who's intersex is androgynous— whether negative/subtractive (neutral almost elvish androgyny where your traits are so absent or neutral your perceived gender can be up to interpretation) or positive/additive ((")genderfucked("), beard with boobs sort of androgyny where Alot the sex traits are piled onto a person)— is so deeply rooted in both bog-standard intersexism, medical intersexism, and fetishization of intersex bodies. The thought that someone needs to be "both sexes" or "have both" to count as intersex; and when you combine that line of thinking with the three issues above mentioned... yeah. Especially when the medical community WANTS to narrow the scope of "intersex" as much as possible, so everyone can be easily sorted into the male or female box.

Also thirdly there's technically two types of hyperandrogenism, biochemical and physical. Biochemical is when your blood tests say you have hyperandrogenism, and physical is when your body is virilized as a result of the androgens. Traditionally you'd expect someone to have both, but someone can have only one or the other! i.e. biochemically hyperandrogenic but no physical outward signs, or vice versa but the testosterone levels are expectedly normal or even low (like my case! I had biochemical HYPOandrogenism despite having mild physical hyperandrogenism).

I think my advice with Starting to unpack that (which you're doing already by recognizing it isn't a healthy way to think) is just... like, listening to the community? Listening and being a little humble with your own voice if that feels comfortable. You aren't obligated to be a loud advocate, you can also just sort of... exist in the space and start gathering the knowledge and rhetoric that the wider intersex community shares. You're allowed to exist here I prommy <3