#He sometimes lashes out without meaning to but he's on multiple medications to help with his problems

[ninjaturtlecosmo]

Art Teacher: I know what God really wants, dammit! He wants me to kill my mother fucking self! That's why he fucks with me! That's why he gave me a fucked up ass life! But the joke's on him! I'm not giving that mother fucker the satisfaction!

Andromedus III, Octo Cat, Guardian Dog and Blue:.....................

Octo Cat: All I asked was what are we painting today.

[musings-and-overanalyses]

Diane Nguyen, a millennial heroine

(mostly spoiler-free)

Diane Nguyen from BoJack Horseman is one of my favourite characters of all time largely because of how rare it is to find such a multifaceted and layered character who lends striking verisimilitude to a world of talking bipedal horses and cats.

Since her introduction in the pilot episode, she is shown to be smart, introverted and opinionated, who won't shy away from voicing them. Diane is in many ways, the moral compass of the show reminding the characters and viewers what is the right thing to do. She holds everyone, including herself, to high moral standards. But in a world with no objective morality, one can only do their best as is acknowledged by Diane. And it is undeniable that Diane tries to stick to her moral philosophy-

"There's no such thing as "bad guys" or "good guys." We're all just guys who do good stuff sometimes and bad stuff sometimes. And all we can do is try to do less bad stuff and more good stuff, but you're never going to be good. Because you're not bad."

I'd argue she is also the audience's stand-in as she is a complete Hollywoo outsider stuck in a world of celebrities. She notices normalised bad behaviour in the industry and tries her best to shake the numbed insiders to reality, although, often to no avail. She is sensitive to the state of affairs and struggles to find a place and meaning in the world.

Diane's arc touches upon how creativity and personal fulfilment are crushed under capitalism. While working for Girl Croosh, a comically pink-washed company, she is routinely pressed to write vapid, clickable articles instead of the more serious issues she wants to write about.

But no one, not even Diane herself, can meet her moral standards, as we see with each passing episode. What is revealed is a deeply flawed character, some evident through her outbursts and some in more subtle ways through her internalised beliefs. And thus Diane truly embodies the millennial ( and Genz) archetype- a duality of woke-ism and solipsism.

But we see that her self-absorption can at least in part be attributed to her childhood when her attempts to be a part of a community by trying to connect to her Vietnamese roots were neglected by her parents. And by the time she visits Vietnam herself, she's in her 30s and it dawns on her that she's too divorced from those roots, an experience children of immigrant parents are only too familiar with.

Throughout the show, we see through Diane that doing the right thing is systemically made inaccessible and one only really has two options - lash out or go numb. And the tragedy is that your choice is, at the end of the day, insignificant. But we also see how her worldview makes her feel entitled to do things without consulting with others she believes she has a moral high ground over and often overreacts when called out.

A combination of these factors gives Diane a paradoxical perspective. And this is pointed out by BoJack, although unintentionally when he tells Diane she fetishises her sadness. It is shown through multiple examples throughout the course of the show that Diane struggles with accepting gifts or help even from her loved ones- even something as simple as a warm jacket from Guy. She justifies it to herself by making excuses or being overly critical. One can understand this behaviour better when one looks back to her neglectful parents that made her internalise the idea she didn't deserve anything good unless she proved herself in some capacity.

In the episode- Good Damage, we get even more insight into Diane's childhood and the inner workings of her mind. She has been telling herself this story that her trauma has a meaning and a purpose that she can unleash into the world through her writing. She tries to find some solace in the archetype of a tortured genius as a means to cope with her profound dissatisfaction with her life. We also see her stop taking her antidepressants because she thinks (unfortunately like many others) that the medication would make her lose her spark™. She thinks that being a children's author is beneath her even when she is good at it and the books were successful. She desperately wants to write her "serious" book of essays, despite how difficult it is for her because not doing so would mean that all her damage won't be "good damage", but just damage.

Though later the conversation with Princess Carolyn makes her realise that looking for a grand narrative is pointless as there is no grand narrative and that she can achieve her dream of inspiring young girls through a happier and easier way through books about a girl detective. This metanoia is illustrated in the series finale with Diane not wearing the characteristic green jacket she wore since the first episode, anymore. She has let go of the jacket, a token of her past, and is finally at peace with herself, giving all of us hope that we might eventually get there as well.

[lailyn]

This Magical Journey Called Multiple (Chapter 3)

“Tony, help me get all the equipment away,” Stephen urged as he darted forward, hands glowing with magic. He had always known that this day would come, when he would finally catch a glimpse of Loki’s true nature. He only wished he had been more prepared for it. 

But this was still Loki, and right now, Loki needed his help. 

Stephen thawed the frost surrounding Loki’s bed with his magic and raised the Mirror Dimension around them to contain Loki’s once-dormant ice magic from overspilling into the real world.

 

Amid the swirls of vapor where ice met fire, Loki stirred.

“Loki,” Stephen heard Tony exclaim and felt his heart begin to pound. 

He was forgetting something, something very, very important. What had Thor told him once?  

Then he remembered. “Don’t touch him, Tony!” 

Loki let out a low moan, and either Tony did not hear him or chose not to, he watched in horror as his husband reached for Loki all the same. 

A magic lasso lashed across the room and seized Tony’s wrist just in the nick of time. 

“What the hell did I just say?” Stephen barked. “Do you want to lose your fingers?”

Tony stared at the shackle around his wrist for a second before shaking it loose. 

“I’ll apologise later,” Stephen said grimly, nodding at the figure on the bed. “I think he’s coming around.”

“Loki, wake up,” Tony commanded. 

“Tony?” Loki mumbled. His eyes opened to reveal pupils as red as rubies. 

Tony uttered a gasp but quickly reined in his astonishment but it was too late; the hand Loki was already extending toward him froze in mid-air.

“Loki…” Tony wanted nothing more than to take the outstretched hand, as blue as it was with its gleaming onyx nails, tapered and razor-sharp. “Loki, don’t freak out.” 

Loki raised his hand to the level of his eye. He studied his skin intently.

"I don't understand," he finally said, voice wavering. "Why is this happening?"

Stephen braved a step closer. “Can you shift back?” 

Loki frowned at the absurdity of such a request. At the speed of thought, blue bled away starting from the head all the way down to the feet, leaving in its wake the milky complexion and bright green eyes their lover was renowned for.

A palpable relief fell over the room but it was short-lived, for almost instantly, Loki’s hand flew to his stomach. 

“Is the pain back?” Stephen asked.

Loki nodded with a great wince. “What is happening to me?” He tried to sit but it proved too difficult. “Ah.”

“Well, change back,” Stephen urged. 

Loki shook his head slowly. “No.”

“Loki, shift,” Stephen ordered. 

Loki ignored him and turned to his other lover standing silent and stricken by his side, face stricken with anguish and fear.

Was Tony afraid of him? 

Ignoring the invisible blade knifing his stomach with every breath, Loki pulled himself up into a sitting position. 

All Loki could think of was the hand Tony would not take...with good reason too. Loki could not bear the thought of hurting Tony, or Stephen, or anyone. 

Tony, Loki implored with his eyes. He could live with this pain, he had felt worse. This was nothing. Maybe if he stayed just like this…

“Tony,” he whimpered and it was the pain in his voice that broke Tony free from his trance. His husband rushed forward and gathered Loki to his chest, hugging him tightly. 

“It’s okay,” Tony whispered in his ear. “We’ll figure this out together, I promise you we will.”

“There is nothing wrong with me,” Loki cried.

Tony could not agree more, and to emphasise, he pressed a fierce kiss to Loki’s temple. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. But you’re hurting, and I need to get you better.”

Loki allowed the change to come over him again and the relief was instantaneous, his limbs relaxing with the cessation of pain.  

Stephen and Tony took a few involuntary steps back as the Jotun prince vaulted off the bed, seemingly possessed of as much grace as his Aesir form ever displayed. 

In this form, Loki’s hair was longer and straighter and as he cast a curious eye at what the rude awakening of his ice magic had done to the room, he almost seemed like a different person. 

“Is the damage extensive?” He queried. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Tony said, guarded. “Everything’s insured.”

Loki hummed dispassionately. He directed his next question to Stephen. 

“Are you ever letting me out of here?” Carefully avoiding eye contact, Loki needled him further. “Or are you keeping me here till the baby comes?”

Stephen could not take the Mirror Dimension down quickly enough judging by the displeasure on Loki’s face, and as he fumbled with his sling ring, Stephen could not help but ask. “Are you okay?”

When Loki blinked, the film over his red eyes deepened in colour. “I wish to sup.”

Tony blinked in confusion. “Sup?”

“Something light will do. I will take my meal in my room.”

Stunned, they could only watch as Loki stepped out of the Mirror Dimension and stalked out of the medical bay without so much as a glance.  

“That’s a bit anticlimactic.”

Stephen closed his eyes and shuddered. “Tony, can you please try not to jinx us?”

“Sorry. Count your blessings. Got it. Coz it could be so much worse, you’re right. Of course you’re right.” Tony exhaled loudly through his nose. “So what are we doing about lunch?”

**********************

 

 In a vain attempt to return to normalcy, Stephen and Tony found themselves in the kitchen shortly after, with Stephen taking the helm to prepare a light meal, seeing how he seemed to be the only one remotely functional. 

Tony sat at the counter, unable to bring himself to help, for there were simply too many questions hanging over his head. 

Was Loki really pregnant, or was he simply ill? Was it an affliction, bearable only in Jotun form? And if so, was it a fleeting or a chronic condition?

Why couldn’t Tony touch him? 

Staring down at his hands, Tony could not help but wonder what would have happened had he given in and touched Loki like he wanted.

He could not keep from touching Loki forever, could he? That was simply not possible. 

“Is he really pregnant?” Tony finally asked when he could no longer bear the silence. 

The sudden stiffening of Stephen’s shoulders was the only indication that he had heard him. 

“Why didn’t you look inside him?” Tony pressed. “I know you wanted to.”

Stephen finally turned around from the stove. “Without his explicit permission? And after what he said?”

“You know he didn’t mean that,” Tony said weakly. 

The spatula dropped from Stephen’s hand. “Oh my god. You think I did this to him too.”

“I don’t know!” Tony lashed. “I don’t know what to think, Stephen, hence why I am asking!”

“How long have we been together?” Stephen demanded.

“Come on, let’s not do that.”

“No, no, I’d love to hear why my partner of ten years would think I’d stoop so low that I would force something like this on someone?”

Tony’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “You are putting words in my mouth.”

“Only the ones you don’t have the balls to come out and say.”

“Oh, you want to talk about balls?” he growled. “How about this. How about you stop pretending like everything is fine and freak out for real?” 

“What does that even mean?” Stephen asked, sheer frustration bleeding from every pore in his body.

“We’ve talked about wanting children one day. Maybe it was unintentional, you know that happens all the time,” Tony pointed out. “And why are you so certain it was you anyway?”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m a healthy, virile man. Me and Pepper had a few scares of our own when we were still together,” Tony said, spreading his arms out. “So why couldn’t it be me?”

“Really? That’s what you’re concerned about?” Stephen’s voice rose. “What the fuck, Tony?”

Tony banged a fist on the kitchen counter. “I don’t know, okay?” 

Stephen reared his head, clearly taken aback. “Tony…”

“I don’t know what’s happening, and honestly, I don’t really care.” His eyes began to water. “I just want Loki to be okay.”

Stephen sighed, feeling some of the tension drain away at the sight of the tears on Tony’s lashes. 

He walked over to where Tony sat and gathered his husband’s fingers into a fist. “Hey, hey. Nothing’s going to happen. Everything’s going to be fine.”

“I wish I could believe you.”

Stephen searched his husband’s face. As unpredictable as Loki’s moods were, Tony could be the more difficult to read sometimes. So much for being fellow humans. “Tony, what are you trying to say?”

“It’s not important,” Tony said finally, pulling his hand out of Stephen’s grasp gently. “I think you and Loki need to talk.” 

Stephen shook his head, adamant. “No. I know you. You’re upset about something.”

“Me? Upset?” Tony pasted a big grin on his face. “I’m ecstatic. We’re finally going to be parents, just like we always wanted.”

“Tony…” Stephen said warningly. 

“Just go see to Loki, okay?” Tony pushed himself off the bar stool. He needed to get out of the kitchen, he needed to be alone. “I got shit to do.”

**********************

 

“Where is Tony?” Loki asked when he saw Stephen standing alone at the door.

“He thinks we need to talk, just the two of us. So do I.”

The staring contest dragged on for a full minute, before Loki became the first to drop his gaze. 

“If we must,” Loki sighed, and let him in. 

Stephen figured asking the easy questions first would pave the way for harder ones, as well as help him gauge just how willing Loki was to talk. “How are you feeling?”

“I am feeling fine.”

Stephen nodded at the bed that had clearly been slept in. “Did you have a good rest?”

“Somewhat,” Loki said softly. “I am hungry.”

“Come on. Let’s have lunch.”

Loki took a seat at the very end of the long table and watched Stephen ladle out something from the tureen he had brought into a bowl. 

Stephen brought it over and held out a spoon. "Dig in. It's your favourite zucchini and potato soup. You scored some nice ones at the market today."

Loki was about to sip his first spoonful when he realised that Stephen was not eating. “You will not join me?”

“I’m happy just watching you.”

“Anyone ever told you that you’re very strange?”

“More times than I can count,” Stephen said. “Mostly by you.”

“It is a compliment.” Loki shrugged. “Most of the time.”

They spent the next fifteen minutes sitting in complete silence as Loki ate.

For someone so used to being watched, Loki seemed unusually self-conscious, fidgeting with his oversized dressing gown every few minutes to keep it from slipping down his shoulders.

Stephen refilled Loki’s glass to the brim with ice water, trying not to stare at the swirls of lines on his husband’s once-pristine skin. “Would you like some more? I made extra.”

Loki shook his head, looking uncomfortably full despite having had only a small serving of broth. 

“Go have a rest.” Stephen started clearing the table. Cleaning staff would have done it but he needed it, if only to give him a moment to think. 

Loki on the other hand was only too happy to be out of his way and do as he was told.  

Once he was cleaning up, Stephen walked over to the couch but before he could sit, Loki stopped him. "No. You are too close."

A hollow pit formed in Stephen's stomach. "You don't trust me."

Loki looked away. "Not you."

Stephen swallowed down most of the hurt and let the rest wash over like water. He was about to turn to leave and do this another day when an almost inaudible whisper reached his ear.

"Me."

Blood rushed to his head. Like a stone, Stephen dropped onto the couch and lunged, gathering his husband in his arms. 

All life returned to the silent form and Loki gasped. "Stephen!” He flailed in a flurry of blue limbs as he pushed Stephen off of him in a panic. 

“What the hell are you doing?" Loki berated. When Stephen did not speak, true panic coloured his voice. "Did I burn you? Show me!”

"It's fine, I'm fine!" Stephen showed Loki his hand, intact and unblemished. "See?"

Loki’s red eyes scanned Stephen from head to toe in bewilderment. "You're unhurt?"

Stephen shook his head. "Not a bit."

"How?" Loki’s mouth fell open. "Is it because of your magic? It's protecting you?"

"Your ice didn't hurt me earlier so I took a gamble."

A beautiful fury flushed Loki's face into a ruddy sangria. "You took a gamble."

"I had to. I didn't know how else I could get you to talk."

"Does this mean Tony could - ?" Hold me too? The unspoken question was unmistakably loud. 

"I don't know. Not yet," Stephen said quietly.

“Oh.” Loki’s shoulders slumped with a devastation Stephen knew too well. 

“Are you ready to talk?” he asked quietly.

Loki did not answer but instead of pulling away, he inched closer. With overwhelming relief,  Stephen took the chance to wrap an arm around his back. He could feel the coldness of Loki’s skin through the thin silk of the gown and unconsciously began to rub a hand up and down Loki’s arm. 

“I know you’re scared,” Stephen murmured. “I’m scared too. More than you know.”

Loki shook his head slowly. 

"I wasn't avoiding you. I was...trying to process." A blue hand rested over a stomach as flat as a board. "Still processing, in fact. I had my suspicions of course.”

Stephen frowned; this was news to him. “When did you first start noticing?”

“The unbearable heat? A few days ago.”

Stephen gaped, but Loki remained blithely insouciant. “This morning at the market, it just got a bit much.”

“We should go see someone. You know, just to confirm.”

“No.” Loki shook his head. “There is no need.”

“Loki,” Stephen tried again, but an icy glare stole his words and breath both.

“There is no need,” Loki repeated flatly. 

“Okay, Loki,” he relented, despite his heavy reluctance. He had gotten Loki talking now and that was an achievement in itself. “I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.”

“I understand,” Loki said. “I thank you for your concern.” 

Still, his voice wavered as his resolve faltered. “I don't want anyone to see me like this. I am not ready."

"Will you believe me if I tell you that it doesn't matter how you look?"

"To you, maybe. To the rest of the world? Never." Loki closed his eyes and saw Odin, lying on the staircase to the vault that fateful day on Asgard. “There is no universe where a world exists that does not demand perfection.”

“Noone knows that more than me,” Stephen said, a haunted gauntness descending on his suddenly haggard features. “I can only see the world as it should be. Any imperfection, any deviation from reality...it stands out.” 

"And that is how you see me," Loki said bitterly. 

"No, you misunderstand. I seek imperfection, but at the same time, I fail to see imperfections in myself.” Stephen decided it was time for another gamble. He reached for Loki's hand. “Maybe you were right. Maybe this was my fault.”

Loki visibly hesitated. “About that....I think I misspoke earlier." 

“What do you mean?”

"Remember that night we spent together?"

"Just you and me or - ?"

Loki shook his head. "The three of us, on our anniversary. When I showed you both my other form?"

"Go on," Stephen said warily. 

"That night when we slept, I...may have neglected to reinforce my wards."

Stephen must have heard him wrongly. "What?"

"Contraceptive charms aren't a one-size-fits-all,” Loki mumbled. “Apparently I have to cast a new spell everytime I shift."

"And you didn't know this?"

Loki was furiously blushing now. "It slipped my mind, alright? It's been a while!"

"Oh God." Stephen could not stop himself in time from echoing Tony's words from earlier. "This is a nightmare."

Loki recoiled, as if slapped. "You don't mean that."

But Stephen was barely listening, his headspace catapulted to a time when a few too many drinks were had and the taste for the exotic followed them out the restaurant door all the way to their bedroom. 

Loki's female form was every bit as alluring and irresistible as his preferred male; to say that Stephen was besotted would be an understatement and he dared say that Tony too had felt the same.

The sudden drop of temperature in the room brought him out of the reverie and into the present, bringing with it a horror the likes of which he had never felt before.

Stephen swallowed hard. "Loki…"

"I thought you wanted this."

"I did. Babe, I still do," Stephen implored. "I just don’t think I’m ready."

"To be a father?"

A vehement shake of the head. "No, that I'm sure I can manage somehow. I can't imagine it'll be easy but with help...lots of help, and mistakes I’m sure, but it’s not impossible.”

“Then what is this fear I am seeing in your eyes?”

Stephen heard the fear mirrored in Loki’s voice and knew there was no going around it anymore. It was high time he brought his deepest, darkest fear out into the open.

“I fear not being able to help you," he confessed. “My knowledge and my skills only go so far.”

“Because I am not...human, you mean?”

Stephen’s silence provided Loki with all the answers he needed.

“Stephen, everything will be fine,” Loki said. “I will be fine.”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

"You have to make peace with not knowing everything, Strange." 

“Makes my job harder when I don’t.”

Loki leaned into Stephen’s shoulder and sighed, "So young and already so burdened.”

Stephen rested his cheek gratefully against the top of Loki’s head. "Sometimes I forget you are so much older than me." 

His heartbeat picked up pace at the thought of asking what he had to ask next. "Is that why it's so difficult for you to trust me?"

"Don't take it personally, Doctor. I don't even trust myself." The contrast between his blue skin and Stephen’s tan was jarring and it took everything Loki had not to pull his hand away. "I am the embodiment of chaos and yet here I am, with you."

"Then you wouldn't have liked the old me. I was a committed hedonist. Work hard, play harder."

"Urgh. A hedonist and a perfectionist." Loki made a pained face, the disdain all too familiar but for the faint heritage lines fringing the hollows of his cheeks. "We wouldn't have lasted a day."

“Ouch.” But Stephen had to agree. “Yeah, we would have been too similar.”

Loki remained quiet for a while. “I have said terrible things to you.”

“You do that all the time,” Stephen soothed. “It’s music to my ears.”

At the sheer gentleness of Stephen’s voice, Loki’s eyes filled. “I have hurt you.”

“I’ve had worse. Remember our first trip together, the three of us?”

“Please, don’t remind me.”

“I still have the scar from that.” 

Loki studied the sinewy lines of Stephen's hand. Even with the old scars, it was beautiful to his eyes. "Poor Stephen. Why does the world always hurt you?" 

"Better me than anyone else," Stephen said, patting the back of Loki’s hand placatingly. “I’ve got tons, what is one more? They all tell a story.” 

Just like the lines on your face , Stephen thought. He longed to trace each of them with his fingers first, then his lips. 

Catching his husband staring, Loki suppressed the urge to turn away. “How can you stand to look at me?”

“You are the most exquisite thing I have ever seen.”

“Liar,” Loki whispered. 

Stephen shrugged. “You didn’t believe me the first time I said I love you either.”

“You do not find me...unsightly?” Typical Loki, he simply had to ask what deep-down inside he already knew, “You love me still?”

Stephen kissed Loki’s lips gently. “I never stopped.”

“Stephen…”

But Stephen was far from done. “I can’t do words very well...but I’d take a bullet for you, Loki.” He grasped the cold fingers and clasped them against his chest, just as he had done on their wedding day. “And if there's a child, for them too."

Loki's eyes blurred. 

“I can’t do words either,” he sighed, leaning forward until they were forehead-to-forehead proper. “Nor do I understand Midgardians’ courting gifts, but my Brother said you should accept them if the feeling is mutual.” 

“So...thank you.” Loki finally smiled his first genuine smile in days, bittersweet albeit a little watery. “I’ll make sure to stand behind you at all times.”

Stephen chuckled. "Yeah, you do that."

[hotchley]

🦄 hey do you ever think about the softly gasped "no" in the beginning scene of route 66 when hotch woke from his nap in his office. it makes me think he had a nightmare bc right after he called jessica to check on jack. and then he passed out from internal bleeding and had a nightmare about haley and foyet. and it wasn't even about his trauma, the writers made it about his guilt over his growing relationship with beth. like... i so wish therapy wasn't treated derisively in the show bc literally everyone in the team needed it. aaron and beth probs needed therapy to figure out how to get pass "my ex-wife was murdered by a serial killer and i never processed that" vs "fuck i just thought he was hot okay." jack... jack probs needs sooo much therapy i mean. he heard his mom being murdered AND multiple gunshots and crashes cuz his dad was fighting with the dude while he was in the next room. like.. geez... also like how come the team gets therapy after emily dies but after hotch's wife gets murder he doesn't get mandatory therapy??? like haley wasn't a team member but considering she was aaron's wife.. shouldn't that be something. also while we're at it.. why isn't jessica in therapy??? her sister who she is shown to be v close with got murdered by a serial killer. taking care of jack isn't gonna solve all her grief and anxiety.vwhy isn't she pressuring hotch and jack to get therapy?? like ughh these things don't make sense to me. also like, as benevolent as she is, i can't help but think there would be some resentment towards aaron and his job (bc she's human! and human emotions aren't rational!) which she could've worked out in therapy if cm ever gave therapy a real chance.

also today i bring to your attention.. aaron's stutter. like it's most likely tg fumbling his lines but there are at least two scenes with aaron stuttering (i watch with subtitles on and it's def present in the subs so i don't think im mishearing). and bc im an angst monster.. do you think aaron stuttering is one of his tells? or at least a physical manifestation of his anxiety. do you think he speaks in monotone bc it helps him control his stutter? and then it translates as him being emotionless bc he doesn't tell anyone about his speech impediment. but in reality the more monotone he gets the more his anxiety is building up and he goes and hides in his office and everyone things he's either really pissed off or just tired but he's actually having a panic attack up there. and like after it happens a couple of times someone finally gets a clue (im thinking penelope bc she has medical training) and they go check on him and they're just like "fuck" but at the same time they try to walk him thru it. and then she's like "aaron you stupid stubborn man" just bc i want her to 😌

UGH I KNOW!

Yeah I reckon he must have been having a nightmare, there’s no other logical explanation.

I kinda hated the way they did Route 66. I rewrote the entire thing for chapter three of aaron oop- I think it would have made much more sense if it showed Jack with Hotch and Hotch with the team because they existed before Haley. They literally wrote Beth in to give him a love interest but it wasn’t necessary!!

It would’ve been nice to see them all in therapy and also all of them being a little bit more human, I agree. Because never once does Jessica or Jack lash out and it just all felt too underdeveloped and forced.

I hated the way all of them would lie to their therapists to return to the team though. It just felt very irresponsible it’s like okay. maybe you don’t care, but if you’re not ready everyone else is being put at risk.

... you come up with some of the angstiest things. I’m leaning towards his stutter being linked to his anxiety or an actual speech impediment because he was never allowed therapy for it because his dad just thought it was him being stupid. Speaking slowly and without much tone helps it from coming through, but that takes so much energy and sometimes it’s just easier to speak normally, even though he’ll stutter.

I think Penelope would start putting things together. He always speaks monotonously and slowly. When he starts stuttering slightly, he gets very uncomfortable and usually stops talking and then excuses himself.

One time it happens and she feels horrible so she goes to comfort him and he’s on the floor of his office. Without much conscious thought, she drops to her knees beside him and is like: Tell me what you need. When he’s okay enough to speak, she’s like: Don’t worry about it. Take all the time you need.

And when he finishes speaking, she just answers his question like nothing has changed. And a few days later, she finds him a speech and language therapist that she thinks will fit. There’s no expectation. Just the offer.

[simpingforthisonedeer]

Chapter 9: Tempestuous II

Summary: Julius finds Aika in the Wizard King's study; One of the important reasons for Aika's hesitance is discovered; And there's a five-leaf grimoire👀👀

Notes: 

- completely SFW

- 4k words, a relatively short read compared to my other chapters agfdsghfjhl. - There are also more clues as to what Julius is and I give you one letter. If you figure it out from just that, I will legitimately shit myself. - I introduce an original character who is Marx's older brother and like all side characters, he is important.

- Be sure to check the notes at the end and enjoy (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

Aika sat down on her most favourite sofa in the Wizard King’s study with a sigh and a cup of tea. She had just finished tearing down all the talisman stuck to the shelves and walls that prevented anyone from detecting the room and noticing the door from the actual office which was also covered by a painting. She had her personal books in a few dozen stacks around her, ready to be shoved into her backpack but she decided to take a small break.

She could faintly hear the muffled discussion on the other side of the wall of Julius apologizing profusely to someone named “Marx.” Aika had recently confirmed it was Marx Francois, Julius’ advisor and attendant. He may not know her, but Aika knew him well enough. His older brother, Karl Francois, is the president of her company and a close friend of hers and he would sometimes tell her about his brother.

Aika sighed contentedly into her cup. She should have tea with him sometime, especially since she doesn't have her amulet to walk around the castle without scrutiny. She did vaguely remember Karl mentioning that Marx liked black tea.

She turned to the door leading to the office curiously when all became quiet. She heard a door swing shut and some sound of shuffling on the other side of the wall and the door in front of her slammed open.

“Aika!” The invader exclaimed. Her heart jumped when she realized owner of the voice.

“Julius,” she greeted cordially. “I suppose Master Raymond told you about the hidden study?”

He rubbed the back of his head.

“Well, not really. I asked him where I could find you. That’s when he told me about the study.”

She hummed in response. So, he was thinking about her.

“Good. Would you like a cup of tea while you tell me how the banquet went?” She asked politely as she patted the sofa next to her.

“No, no, no,” he shook his head as he strode to where she sat. “You are going to answer my questions.” He plopped down next to her a respectable distance away but still too close. She expected him to sit on the other end of the sofa, not directly next to her. She calmed herself as she served him tea.

“First of all, why are you wearing that?” Julius asked, pointing in the general direction of her face. Aika turned to him curiously as she handed him the tea.

“The wha—Oh.” Right, she was wearing a silk blindfold. Sometimes her eyes hurt and become sensitive to light because she had them open for too long. She used Mana Zone often and completely forgot. She couldn’t properly work in this state but it did allow her to organize her thoughts and meditate.

“My eyes hurt,” she answered simply. 

“But you are moving like you can see…” he murmured to himself. “Are you using Mana Zone? I heard that most blind people are quite adept at using it to do their day-to-day tasks.”

Oh, Aika knew that very well. She was blind for a year when she was around 20 and had practically used Mana Zone every waking moment. Due to the ritual she did that made her blind, she had also gained a weak form of clairvoyance, so she could still perceive things around her as if it were normal when she combined it with Mana Zone. The only downsides were that she couldn’t see color.

“Yes,” she answered, wincing internally at the cold tone. While she wanted to keep him at an arm’s length, she didn’t want to seem rude.

“I see, I see,” he nodded to himself, thankfully unfazed. “Tell me more about your company!”

“Well,” she began as she crossed her legs and slipped off her blindfold.

When Aika turned to him, his breath caught. In the dim firelight of the study, her eyes still seemed to glow on their own. His vision seemed to grow sharper and he could count every speck in her eye. He felt his mouth go dry. Oh, there was nothing Julius wanted more than to be held by her again.

She regarded him with a puzzled expression.

“Are you alright?”

“Y-Yes, Aika. I’m fine.” He looked away as he took a rejuvenating sip of tea.

“Okay, so, I started my company as a means to gather intelligence and sell it. We have agents called Eyes & Ears and they basically gather vital information about any and everything and a lot of times it includes spy work. So we also do private investigations and some mercenary work. But that seemed too limiting, so I expanded my horizons into research and education. My R&D department creates magic items and medical practices that would support their local communities and every few years, they collaborate on department-wide projects that are for the benefit of all.” Aika smiled, amused at the way he hung on to her every word.

“We have intensive job training programs of all kinds and we even started a healthcare program a few years ago for our employees but my biggest project right now is to actually make that sort of healthcare public because it's very affordable and our employees have been a big fan of it. But it’s hard because of different countries' laws so I have to go make a lot of appeals with certain Kings and Queens.”

He leaned forward, genuinely interested.

“How do you keep it affordable? Is there a way you could implement that kind of healthcare here in the forsaken realm?”

“Well, we have an exploration department that has multiple guilds across the world in countries where dungeon-diving by private citizens is allowed and taxes are relatively forgiving. This is where we sometimes get most of our revenue. But of course, we also have investors—Arthur is one—and so we try to provide the best services to both our employees and clients.” She touched her chin thoughtfully. “Well, we could institute our kind of hospitals but Clover Kingdom isn’t lacking in healing mages. We mainly use medical practices and technology because the areas we are targeting are places with weak or no magic and have no way to afford or access.”

“So, perhaps we should rearrange the concentration of healing mages in the common and noble realm then.”

“Yeah, well, healing mages are quite rare even in a magic-rich country like Clover Kingdom. It’s also a big problem that everyone here are magic dependent. This kingdom is quite behind on technology, innovation, medical practices and knowledge compared to the rest of the world. And to top it all off, Clover Kingdom maintains no foreign relations outside of the continent so there is no flow of information in. We would have to educate a lot of people in potion-making and using magical items and mundane tools to heal or treat ailments but like I said, Clover Kingdom is behind on education,” Aika ranted as she frowned. She caught the intrigued look on Julius’s face and pressed a gloved hand to her forehead as she apologized.

“Sorry, I meant no offense—”

“No, no, I’m not offended at all,” He said, waving her off. “I’ve simply never considered that point of view.” He gave her a wry smile. “And what you do seems really cool. Though, it sounds like a lot of work.”

She smiled faintly as she set her cup down and leaned her head back against the sofa. She needed to calm down and stop.

“It is, but I have a lot of time on my hands.”

Julius snorted.

“I’m sure you do,” he retorted softly as mirrored her and rested his head right next to hers.

“It’s fulfilling work too,” she said lowly. He hummed in response.

“Master Raymond told me you used to use this study as your office space but now you’re leaving,” he remarked as he looked around.

“Uncle Ray isn’t the studious type but I could tell you are. You would certainly want to use this space.”

“I would,” he admitted, turning his head to face her. “but you don’t have to leave.”

Aika peered at him from the corner of her eye.

“We could both use this space, Aika.”

“Julius…”

“You have really good advice and a different perspective that could be helpful in the future. I’d like to keep you close.”

“You already have an actual advisor. I’m just a consultant.” 

“Marx? He sees my vision, he understands it but he is a conformist, you are not.”

“Julius,” she began as she sat up. “I’m really flattered but I cannot move as freely around the castle anymore. No one here knows I exist.” And if he insisted on spending some time around her everyday, it could be disastrous.

“What do you mean?”

“My Amulet of Ignorance broke during battle and I like to be private. No one in this castle knows me and even if they did, they forgot.”

“You had an Amulet of Ignorance? Those are pretty rare!” Julius exclaimed, his eyes blown wide. She paused when she caught his gaze. Even though violet was a common color for eyes, she realized that his were the most beautiful ones she had ever seen. She realized she wanted a repeat of earlier today when he leaned into her touch and his lashes fanned his cheeks as he sighed with a serene smile.

“I know, and really expensive too.” Aika stood up abruptly and walked to the long desk facing the windows. She caught the purple light of the Wisteria trees sifting through the window panes and focused on clearing her mind. The more she looked at him, listened to him, the more painful it was. Because she wanted to be near him more than anything, but she couldn’t.

She needed to get out.

“It’s the terrifying ordeal of being known.” He laid an arm on her shoulder and she stiffened instinctively. His touch both burned and soothed her. “I completely understand, but don’t you think it’s time to step into the light and get credit for what you do? Like that spell you did on the battlefield?”

“No,” Aika asserted cooly as she shrugged his hand off. “I’m not looking for credit or glory.” 

Once upon a time, she sought glory, but it only left her shoulders heavy with medals and her chest hollow. She was tempted to let the scars stay too as a reminder that glory is empty but she decided to be kinder on herself so she could move on.

If someone gave her credit, great. If not, that’s also fine.

“But don’t you get tired of hiding?”

Yes, but if she had to deal with people more, that would be dangerous for everyone. It was better to be ignored and forgotten than to turn people into hateful creatures.

“What do you mean ‘turn people into hateful creatures?’” Julius asked curiously, he voice steeped in concern.

Aika whipped around. Did she seriously say that out loud? No. He was using Truth Magic. How dare he?

“You should know better than to use Truth Magic when you are trying to have a genuine conversation, Julius .” She stated deliberately, her mana rising around her.

“It’s hard to have a genuine conversation when the other person insists on hiding,” he retorted swiftly as his face turned to ice, masking his surprise at how she had caught on.

She snapped.

“It’s because I don’t want to publicize the fact that I exude so much negative mana that it turns people evil, okay?!” 

She pushed past him.

“Please.” Julius caught her by her forearms and swiveled her around to face him. The words caught in his throat at the sheer vulnerability on her face. “Please, I don’t want to ruin you,” she breathed, her voice cracking. Aika clenched her jaw as she held her tears at bay. “You are so good,” she lifted her gaze to meet his’. “So pure.”

Her words sent shivers up his spine as he carefully regarded her. Did she somehow know? No, that can't be, or she would have never insisted on maintaining distance.  Weg magic doesn’t affect him. That was the plain and simple truth. It was why he was so curious about it in the first place. He knew why it doesn’t affect him, but the world didn’t need to know.

Julius watched the way her lower lip trembled, eyes glassy with unshed tears and yearning as plain as day.

He needed to reassure her while keeping his secret.

“You think so little of me that I would be affected by it?” He murmured with a light tone.

“You think so little of my knowledge of my own condition that I wouldn’t know who it affects and who it doesn’t?” Aika snapped weakly. “Strength does not matter. It only doesn’t affect other forbidden magic users and certain species of non-humans.”

Non-humans. The words kept ringing in his head. 

Non-human. Non-human. Not-human.

“Your mother died so your half-breed arse could live!” His drunken father screamed as a glass shattered next to his head, shards pricking his scalp and cheek. 

“Don’t ever dare insinuate that your mother never loved you,” his voice came in a dangerous whisper. “You disgusting little N—”

 “Julius?”

He blinked quickly as he sought his bearings. His hands were clenching on her arms so tightly, he was sure Aika was in pain. He could feel sweat rolling down his cheeks. Or was it tears?

“Sorry,” he murmured as he blinked again, this time clearing his head.

No, he was human. And he was going to save all the humans in Clover Kingdom and bring them peace.

He rubbed her arms lightly as he healed her and slid his hands up to her shoulders.

“It won’t affect me,” Julius said plainly as his lips quirked up into a hesitant smile.

She looked at him dubiously. She just said that only— Oh. Is that how it is?  

“Why?” she asked as she sniffled, not expecting the truth.

“It’s simply the nature of my magic,” he answered vaguely. 

That could mean either thing but he could simply be saying that just because. Why does he keep on insisting? She was really not playing hard to get.

“Julius, that isn’t going to convince me. It has real effects. Why are you trying so hard when I am pushing you away?”

His eyes softened as he smiled in amusement.

“Is it so hard to believe that I might like you?”

“Yes?” She asked as if it was obvious. “I was literally rude to you on so many occasions.”

“I’m used to prickly characters.” He rebuffed with a wink.

Her shoulders relaxed slightly as she let out an embarrassing snort. She hung her head to hide the growing smile on her face.

“That doesn’t mean you should tolerate it,” Aika murmured half-heartedly. 

Julius laughed.

“Maybe not,” he murmured as he pulled her into a hug. Her face pressed up against the fur of his cape, tickling her nose as her hands hovered hesitantly around his waist. 

“But I’m very patient.”

After a moment of deliberation, she wrapped her arms around him and nestled into his chest. She will allow herself this one moment. 

Julius made a noise of contentment at the back of his throat as he pressed his cheek to her hair.

“Does this mean you’ll give me a chance?” he asked hopefully.

Aika pulled back and looked up at him with a deadpan look.

“No, there is still a lot you don’t know about me.”

“But, I want to learn—”

She shook her head and looked away.

“You don’t understand. The reason why I’m not convinced is because—” Should she even tell him? It might be a little too much. It was the reason why she was so scared and cautious about the effects her magic has on people.

“Because what?”

Ah, screw it.

“Because after Holly spent a week with me, she clawed Arthur’s face off and tore off my right arm,” she whispered under her breath.

“What? ” So that was the reason why she was so apprehensive. That...was actually understandable.

“She got irritable after 3 days and her behaviour kept escalating until she was outright hostile...She doesn’t remember of course. We had her memory erased after we restrained her,” Aika explained as stepped away from him, exhaustion sufusing through her. But Julius stopped her and took her gloved hands in his.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” he spoke softly as he squeezed her hand. What happened to her was horrible. “You don’t have to keep away from people, least of all me.” He straightened his shoulders, his eyes determined. “I am telling you with utmost confidence that it won’t affect me.”

One part of her was tempted to refuse anyway but his insistence made her curious. Is it bullheaded confidence or was he truly something else like Arthur pointed out or was his interest in weg magic not so innocent after all?

As she weighed the pros and cons, the more curious she got. Aika really wanted to know what the deal with Julius was, and if worst comes to worst, well, Karl Francois was an expert memory mage. She could erase her existence and it will be like this all never happened.

“Fine.”

Julius lit up at her response.

“I will give you one month time to prove that it truly won’t affect you.”

One month was a reasonable enough time for them to notice any effects. He most likely won’t spend all his time with her like Holly did and he will probably use mana skin to protect himself. And only then will she think about it.

“Thank you!” He exclaimed before he engulfed her into another hug. She could feel the relief coursing through him as he smiled into the crook of her neck. She shivered at the feel of his lips and nose and the way his lashes fluttered against her pulse.

Julius gently cradled her face as he pulled back and Aika melted in his hold despite herself. She could allow herself to be if he truly didn’t turn on her. He brushed her cheek with his thumb, making her look up at him. His eyes were like the darkest part of the sunset where the stars shone and the birds flew. She wanted him to keep looking at her like that. 

He angled his face as he slowly closed his eyes and Aika was mesmerized yet conflicted.

She wouldn’t be able to stop if his lips touched hers.

“Julius, stop,” she wanted to say but the words were stuck in her throat. She could feel herself giving into the feeling, the falling sensation as it swept through her. His touch burned with something she couldn’t describe but it set her free. Clarity flooded her senses, washing away her fatigue. Perhaps it was time to seek the light again.

Aika, no, stop, wait, wait, wait.

“Miss Aika!” Jayce crowed as the double doors from the main hallway to the study flew open. “We found a five-leaf grim—” Ellie, Evan and Jayce took three steps into the room before they halted to a stop at the scene in front of them.

The Wizard King and their boss, pressed up against each other, hair's-breadth away from a kiss.

Jayce slapped a hand over his mouth.

Ellie grabbed onto his and Evan’s collar as they scrambled backwards. She quickly shut the door as she threw an apologetic look at Aika’s burning face who disentangled herself from the king’s arms.

The room echoed with a bang and silence followed. 

Julius burst out laughing as he rubbed the back of his head.

“That was embarrassing!”

“Very,” Aika groaned into her hands. He took her hands once again and pulled her close. “You should go finish your paperwork. I have to talk to them about their mission,” she sighed as Julius placed kisses on her knuckles. She withdrew her hands as she took a step back, her heart twinging at the hurt glimmering in his eyes once again.

“I’d like for us to be friends in the meantime.”

“Do you truly like me?” Julius asked suddenly. Aika was taken aback by that.

“What do you mean? Of course I do.”

“Because, like you said, are you keeping your distance because you are trying to let me down slowly?”

Anger shot up her spine. In a second, she was a hair’s-breadth away once again, face cocked to the side. Julius parted his lips, half-surprised, half-expectant but she only stayed agonizingly close.

“Are you insinuating that I am lying to you about my reasons?” Her voice came lowly.

“No, but—”

“Good, so as long as we can conclusively say that I can’t affect you, I will keep my distance.” He blushed at her heated look. “Because even I cannot resist temptation itself.”

Julius took a stuttered breath as he stepped back this time. Oh, god.

“Understood.” He cleared his throat as Aika suppressed a smile. “I will, ah,” he motioned vaguely at the door behind him. “Go do my paperwork.”

As if.

He walked away to the door and looked back one last time. She had her arms crossed as she worried her lower lip.

“Goodnight.” She waved with a reassuring smile. He echoed her as the corner of his lip quirked up. 

He could be patient.

The door clicked shut and the world grew quiet in Aika's head for one still moment...Before adrenaline rushed through her veins, buckling her knees and knocking the air out of her.

Holy shit.

That interaction had taken more out of her than anything. It’s been years since she had any complex, romantic interactions and god, the yearning was exhausting.

Aika stumbled over to the cold tea on the low table in front of the sofas and picked up the cup as she took deep, slow breaths. She waved her hand over it and rewound time to make it warmer. She took a big sip as her heart finally began to calm down. She silently padded over to the main doors and swiftly pired one open. 

Surprisingly enough, the three were not listening in. They were instead gathered in a small circle, talking in low voices.

“This bird had some nerve yanking my hair,” Ellie growled.

“What’s going on?”

Evan and Jayce moved out of the way when they heard Aika, revealing a little anti-bird with an impossibly bored expression resting on Ellie’s cupped hand. She raised a brow at that. The three of them are fairly powerful mages, with Ellie and Jayce being stage 2 while Evan was an arcane stage. So, why was an anti-bird so comfortable in their presence?

“This anti-bird kept following us from Hage, miss,” Jayce groused as he poked it on its head. She walked closer so she could inspect it. She reached out a hand but it evaded her as it flew up and perched on Evan’s head.

“You are weakened but you still have more mana than us?” Ellie asked incredulously.

Aika shook her head and waved them in. She settled back down on the couch as she crossed her legs imperiously. She watched in mild amusement while they carefully inspected the room like the Wizard King was going to pop out from somewhere. She stared down Jayce as he held back a blush, no doubt about the scene earlier, but he shook his head, reassuring her that he wouldn’t say anything. But, she knew that they would thoroughly interrogate her after they were done.

They soon lined up in front of her, backs straight and eyes sharp as they pressed a hand over their hearts and bowed low in a salute as protocol required before they could report to her. While she understood the need for ceremony, they were personally close to her so she had asked them to skip it in the past, but they insisted anyway, saying that it made them feel more like grown-ups.

Ellie was the first to speak up.

“We spent some time inspecting the abandoned cottage like you asked us to.”

“And we have some good news, strange news, and stranger news,” Jayce continued after her.

Aika threw back the last sip of tea and stared at the tea leaves at the bottom of the cup as she half-heartedly attempted to divine from them.

“What is the good news?”

“The good news is that Master Raymond and Lady Lydia had successfully moved into your home without any issues, though they did talk of maybe doing renovations.”

“Good.” She set her cup down with a ‘clink.’ “The strange news?” She breathed out as she reclined, resting her temple against the palm of her hand while she leaned on her elbow.

“Master Raymond wanted us to give you a letter from one Arian Silva, which is supposedly an invitation to tea tomorrow if your schedule allows it.”

Jayce handed her a wax-sealed letter. She noted that the seal was red, meaning that it was a formal letter, which was just the usual.

Aika flicked the seal open and skimmed the letter. It was indeed an invitation to tea and he simply wanted to speak to her about that day on the battlefield. 

Yes, quite simple. She thought as a headache began to grow.

“And the stranger news?” She asked, her eyes still wearily glued to the paper in her hand. She looked up curiously when no one said anything.

The anti-bird on Evan’s head seemed to glare daggers at her as he sifted through his cloak. He whipped out a small potato sack and emptied out its contents onto the table between them.

It was a musty, decrepit-looking grimoire, dark in color with no discernable symbol on the cover. She picked it up and immediately felt something off about it.

“We investigated the abandoned cottage and we believe it may be at most 5 years since anyone had occupied it and you were right, there were traces of a lot of forbidden magic,” Evan confirmed.

Aika wiped the cover where she knew a symbol would be and her jaw nearly dropped at the abnormal clover formation.

“We believe we found a five-leafed grimoire.”

Notes:  

- Yes, I think I'm funny naming Marx's older brother "Karl" LMAOOOO His name was actually supposed to be "Anwir" so make what you will of it👀 - That lil tidbit of Aika being blind for a year and being sensitive to light is important to remember👀

- That is sweat rolling down his cheeks lmaooo I’m not going to make him cry(yet) - Homegirl manifested a whole intervention LMAOOOOO - Nero doesn't avoid Aika bc she has any mana, no, she's avoiding Aika bc she can feel the forbidden magic coming off of her and knows that Aika will find out Nero is human the moment she touches her.

[serenagaywaterford]

It’s aggravating to see aunt Lydia get some sort of redemption arc both in the new book (Why, Margaret?!), and possibly in season 4. She should be the last person to get it, as far as I am concerned. She is a real believer, the only one who’s totally devoted to Gilead, 100%. Not even Fred, or other commanders, and certainly not Serena. Yet, people scream bloody murder if there is even a hint of Serena turning to the good side. But they want it for aunt Lydia, fuck’em!

RIGHT?!

Without going into how bad a book The Testaments is (cos, lbr, it isn’t a good novel), I was just SO disappointed that even Atwood went that route. I mean, it was a bit obvious that Miller wanted to soften Lydia and that absolutely atrocious, nonsensical, bullshit S3 episode was proof of that (and what an insult to Ann Dowd tbh. She deserved so much better).

I literally cannot buy any of the “Aunt Lydia isn’t THAT bad! She’s not like Serena! She just a true believer!”

And...???

I don’t see how she’s not worse than Serena? The only thing people seem to think about is 2x10. 

“Well, Aunt Lydia didn’t help Fred pregnancy-rape June!” 

No, she didn’t. That’s right.

She just chained her up in a basement, force fed her, and threatened her with death over and over and over until she completely broke her psychologically and made her into a walking zombie-womb to serve her One True Purpose -- to such a degree that even Serena (Serena! The one who wanted a perfect obedient Handmaid!) is like, “WTF?! This is too much, yo. Where my snarky baby factory at?” 

She beat and maimed other women in front of June as payback because she knew she couldn’t touch her. (Hmm, familiar? Except Serena slapped Rita. Aunt Lydia literally burned Alma’s arm over open flame.)

She took Janine’s EYE for merely talking back(!), and Lilly’s TONGUE, and attempted to get the Handmaid’s to murder Janine themselves. She’s had June’s feet lashed so hard she can’t walk--MULTIPLE TIMES. And those are only the abuses we know about. But, no, she didn’t help any husband rape June, that’s true. 

“UWU LYDIA! She’d never suggest such a thing like Serena did!” 

No, she wouldn’t but not because she cares about JUNE lolololol; she cares about the BABY and it is a terrible idea medically for a healthy birth (which is incidentally why I don’t buy that whole 2x10 episode. Serena’s disgusting and furious but she’s not fucking stupid.) That is all Lydia is concerned about. That is her validation and her raison d’etre; if she doesn’t produce obedient Handmaids that give men healthy babies, she’s failed. And I don’t believe that it’s entirely fear that motivates her. She seems to get a very clear sort of power trip and glee from exercising such brutality on young women. Hence, her attitude and acceptance towards how the system treated Natalie. Babies above all! Fuck women, they’re literally just machines. They are BROOD MARES.

“Aunt Lydia didn’t hold June down to be raped every month!”

No, she didn’t. That’s right.

She just trained 100s or 1000s of girls with brutal torture to lie down and take it. She fully supports the Ceremony. Fully. 100%. Even horrible Serena hates it and VISIBLY is uncomfortable with it (but she’s a selfish, delusional coward with anger & jealousy issues so she abides it).

Absolutely everything else Serena has done, short of writing an anti-feminist book and making speeches pre-Gilead, Aunt Lydia has also done. Randomly beat June? Check. Lock June in a room? Check. Scream at June? Check. Uphold the ideals of Gilead? Check. Aunt Lydia ACTIVELY abused, tortured, maimed, bullied, and straight up murdered numerous women. Not just one or two. How many Handmaids has she “trained”? COUNTLESS. Without a hint of remorse. Sometimes she has a soft spot for Janine, or very occasionally, June, but mostly she seems to just treat them as her troublesome pets. Like cattle--to the point of literally using a cattle prod on disobedient ones. A farmer can care about his cattle but it doesn’t make him not a farmer.

Hell, there’s that episode in S1 where Lydia is beating/electrocuting the shit out of June for talking back and Serena swoops in to stop the assault. (Her motives are shitty, and she snaps back to own horrid self not long after, but still...)

Yeah, considering they’re reworking S4 to be more in line with The Testaments is just... sad. Not that we didn’t see them attempting to woobiefy Lydia in S3 already, but I will guess S4 will see her suddenly and randomly taking Handmaids’ concerns seriously. HOW OOC IS THAT? Like, there’s been NO emotional journey for Lydia. It’s why her behaviour in 3x06 didn’t make sense to me. She goes from savagely assaulting Janine in 3x04 to “Oooh, June! This muzzle is so sad! Alexa, play Despacito!” I didn’t buy ANY of Lydia’s randomly swerving and flaky narrative in S3. I have no problem with her expressing her humanity and the audience seeing reasons to sympathize with her (like 2x08) but it was SO ALL OVER THE PLACE in S3 that I can only shudder and how they’re going to do S4. Especially using The Testaments as a roadmap... like suddenly Lydia is a resistance fighter?

Give me a fucking break.

And I think the problem I have with giving Lydia the so-called “redemption arc” on THT is that...

I don’t care.

Who really does?

Lydia is at best a secondary character who has had zero to little development. She’s literally had one (terrible) background episode that was shitty and full of sexist tropes, that only went to show what a snivelling, vengeful, crazy religious bigot she is--and that’s supposed to set her up for THT Redemption™? Suddenly she’s going to switch sides, just like that? Because White Saviour June has spoken to her? (Again, don’t get me started on the sheer idiocy of June (the woman (directly/indirectly) responsible for multiple women DYING in S3 alone) being touted as some precious saviour of women on Jesus-like levels.) Aunt Lydia is magically going to see the light of her wrongdoing?

PLEASE.

And meanwhile, they had a female character who is also a monster on about the same level--just in a different way, who is arguably a lead character and has had PLENTY of background and development, and even started--a few times--down a path that could slowly and ORGANICALLY lead her to remorse and change, and ultimately something vaguely like a redemption arc... but nope! LMAO. PSYCHE!!! Too easy, I guess? Too predictable? 

Yes, because I watch THT to be shocked by the unpredictable... /sarcasm. C’mon.

Why bother giving Serena ANY sort of development just to do her so dirty like S3 did, and switch it up so she stays repulsive but AUNT LYDIA MAGICALLY and OUT OF NOWHERE suddenly changes all her long-held and incredibly cemented beliefs? Meanwhile we’ve seen Serena wavering in hers THE ENTIRE SERIES. We’ve seen her try to break the system, to fight against it. Weakly, and she’s a sissy, but hey, it’s SOMETHING. More than we ever saw with Lydia.

No, giving Janine a nicer eyepatch after YOU RIPPED HER EYEBALL OUT FOR TALKING BACK is NOT the same as Serena standing up in front of a council of men and reading in order to give all females the chance to read. Giving Janine a piece of cake for not making a scene at a gala is NOT the same as Serena giving “her” baby away to make sure she has a better life outside the hellscape that she knows is Gilead. What Aunt Lydia has done for “her girls” pales completely with what very little Serena has done for both June, Nichole, and women (/herself lol).

It’s like saying Fred deserves redemption because he let the Handmaids have devilled eggs in 3x04. Or gave June a photo of Hannah. (Which incidentally, Atwood wrote Serena giving that to June. So, let’s just keep taking things away from Serena, Miller. Good job.)

I just......

I...

No.

Aunt Lydia deserves a redemption arc as much as Fred Waterford does. But even Fred--yes, even Fred--has more substantial character development to sustain such a story, and a shift in his arc. Well, I should say nobody “deserves” a redemption arc. But rather, it makes SENSE for a particular character to experience one.

Honestly, I just don’t understand the flagrant Serena hate when people like Fred and Lydia exist. I don’t see why it makes more sense and is less offensive for either of those monsters to get this mythical redemption arc over Serena, the second most developed character in the entire series.

“We need a foil for June! We need her to have a villain to fight against!” 

Yes, I agree, dipshit, it’s called Gilead. It’s called female oppression. It’s called the inherent rampant violent misogyny there, and even in “normal” society. It’s the stealing of children. It’s every man in any position of power. It’s religious and ideological extremism. It’s the commodification of women’s bodies as machines for baby-making and male sexual gratification. It’s the Sons of Jacob. It’s international governmental complacency. It’s war.

THERE ARE SO MANY EVIL, VILLAINOUS THINGS IN THT. Serena does personify some of these things, sure. So do ALL the other characters everyone is less upset about getting redemption arcs. But Serena doesn’t need to be the be-all of all these things. She doesn’t have to be the visceral manifestation of all those things forever.

Okay, I just have to stop here cos I can go on forever. 

To me, it’s only makes narrative sense for Serena--and ONLY Serena--to get this highly-prized yet still completely imaginary THT Redemption Arc™. And that’s my controversial opinion lol.

[chasing-rabbits]

I think something people find hard to deal with when it comes to borderline personality disorder is it literally affects ALL emotional states. Not just mania and severe depression but trust love paranoia anger anguish etc etc it affects everything and unlike most people who can stay in charge of their emotions most of the time or at least damage control most of us with BPD can't the difference is physiogically we actually feel emotions more intensely and we feel these emotions for longer so it's really hard to explain to someone why the smallest thing sets us into suciidal idealisation but to us it's a really big deal because our emotions are unstable and unregulated and it takes a lot of therapy and work that often times isn't even offered to us because alot of people are skeptical of the disorder and even then it's not something that will ever go away like an addict we will always have to be on guard of our emotions we can't even. Let ourselves just be happy because so often a normal event like for me Xmas time can trigger manic episodes and this then causes me to drink and spend excessively and to not sleep and to be super unstable and you think well hey just learn to control it but the issue is it's not a slow burner for me one minute I'm depressed and suicidal an hour later I'm triggered into severe mania and it will last the whole weekend leading up to Xmas sometimes a whole week before Xmas you know ? And it just happens like the flick of a switch and that's really hard to prepare for because in other conditions for example I have bipolar it's usually a slow burner and I can pre-empt and even figure out my cycles for example I used to be mixed affective in the new year and manic over Easter and this happened every year for 3 years before I was officially diagnosed so I kinda knew also it was never as intense I felt depressed and sad and cried I felt manic and happy and drank but BPD is on a whole other level what I felt with BPD was even more intense and more unstable because of its unpredictability than the bipolar ever was .

That's the problem . People hear bipolar and think damn that's awful people hear borderline personality disorder and think eh it's nothing she's just melodramatic because it can appear that we are divas because we get triggered by the littlest of things but that's how it is and I've been told multiple times by professionals I will just grow out of it . But honestly that idea is so toxic that it just simply goes away forever and I've been told medication won't help and the only therapy they offer includes the first half focusing on mindfulness which actually can make someone with BPD more suicidal and this group therapy isn't even specific to those with BPD it's one therapy fits all and that's toxic logic . So my mum might end up paying for therapy for me because I can't afford it.

But so many therapists and doctors aren't even educated well enough on borderline personality disorder or are critics of it so even in the professionals eyes their is stigma attached to having this diagnosis .

And there in lies the problem.

This disorder has made me attempt suicide 3 time and self harm more times than I can count.

I did everything from cutting to burning to hitting myself with heavy objects to scratching my legs to pieces .

And yet it's still not seen as serious or taken seriously or even diagnosed correctly by professionals.

And this stigma NEEDS to stop.

BPD is a dangerous disorder and often gets the person suffering it engaging in self destructive behaviours from self harm to full blown eating disorders to suicide attempts to drug and substance abuse this illness comes with deadly consequences because it leads to wreckless impulsive behaviours.

And just remember this next time we are intensely scared of abandonment and because of this we may lash out at loved ones and friends but it comes out of a place of fear and instead of dismissing us you should try to talk to us get us to communicate these fears as to better understand what may seem as histrionic diva behaviours. And then we can work on our behaviours to further better our trust issues and fears of abandonment !

For example I now express these fears with my partner and tell him directly I need you to cuddle me reassure me even if you've done it a million times today I just need to hear you say it again. And yes sometimes he gets frustrated with me because there's only so many times someone can reassure you in a day. But also this has helped me grow. Even without therapy anymore I tried the therapy offered and the mindfulness made me feel awful also I wasn't actually allowed to talk about any of my issues because it would or could trigger others in the group so it was a pile of shit.

But I've grown over time too from reading and listening to others with BPD and their experiences with partners and how they handle it . And the biggest thing was on YouTube video I found one day where she said communication was everything and how you've gotta explain the thought process behind your beliefs and actions because to an outsider even a loved one our thoughts are hard to decode even to ourselves sometimes it's hard to understand the underlying issue causing the meltdown. And also she is the one that said sometimes you have to be direct and say exactly what you need down to every last detail because yes you have to learn to handle things on your own sometimes but this idea that we cannot ever be dependent on a good support system is bullshit people with disorders and especially BPD NEED an excellent support system in which they can express their feelings and feel validated and understood and have a place they can be themselves because one of the root causes of BPD is when in childhood said child is not allowed to express emotions and if they do they are invalidated or ignored or told off for showing them.

As well as other abuses causing BPD .

So when we get older we have all these maladaptive coping mechanisms like self harm because we've been told our emotions our pain isn't real or isn't valid and causing visible pain on the form of cuts and scars and bruises or even in the form of an eating disorder almost validates to ourselves that this pain was and is real and it does matter .

And that's why self harm is a criteria for BPD.

And it's so hard because so often because of our past we now over react to little situations minor arguments with tears and fears of abandonment and this leads people to think we are a drama queen and over reacting for attention or faking it for attention but in our minds our fears and thoughts of Self harm and suicide are very very real. Because we have little handle on our emotions . Or our impulsive dangerous thoughts . So as a child we are invalidated and then when we develop BPD we are once again invalidated and this time viewed as inauthentic or over reacting drama queens for attention which then leads us to fall deeper into our pit of despair because no one understands our maladaptive coping mechanisms.

They see our bpd behaviours but don't understand the reasons why and instead of saying oh it's because she's mentally ill and has a personality disorder it's criticised as even being a disorder and is instead a young adult playing up for attention or spoilt brat syndrome and that it's something we will simply grow out of as if it's a phase rather than something that has been built out of years of invalidation and abuse and was our only way of coping and now we've lost all control of our emotional state and the issue with personality disorders is people are like don't let your mental illness define you but with a personality disorder especially one like borderline personality disorder which affects everything you think or do or feel it's very very hard because from a young teen or pre teen where we develop personality traits we have developed this disorder that literally molds and shapes our personality and what it means to be us and whilst you can change to an extent and try to overcome this it's very very hard to entirely leave it behind and yes whilst I have my own unique traits and styles of dressing and jokes and humour that you could argue make up my personality it doesn't take long to put two people with BPD in a room and see the striking similar personality traits that make us these maladaptive beings due to our past.

Whether people want to agree or not our emotions in this case are not always in our control and we aren't acting out on purpose or for attention it's usually out of fear or intense emotional pain and quite often it feels as though someone else is controlling our emotional responses quite often people with BPD have identity crises because when they are diagnosed and educated on BPD it becomes very aware that our emotions and traits are not always ours but the disorders and you find yourself questioning who am I without my disorder like I know who I would be without my bipolar but I honestly can't say I'm at the point yet where I'd say I know who I would be without bpd because for so long it's all I've known from my childhood to young adulthood I've never known anything different about myself and where does my real personality start and my disorder end because my disorder whether I like it or not does affect me fundamentally as who I am how I behave what I do and where I go and the jobs I hold etc etc and my realtionships with those around me more so than most other disorders because as it says in the name it's a personality disorder and that is why it's so hard to diagnose because the symptoms and criteria in the diagnostic manual psychiatrists use just lists mostly a list of personality traits BUT these traits are all normal traits healthy people could have as my psychology professor taught me but it's up to the professional to judge if you experience them to a higher degree than others and certain traits together then it's a personality disorder this is also why self diagnosis is extremely dangerous because you could look at the criteria for BPD and say that fits my personality but you don't know if you experience these personality traits so severely that you'd be considered as having BPD I got my bipolar diagnosis super quick but it took at least 6months maybe a year even before I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder!

This disorder has one of the higher sucide rates and this is for good reason because having BPD often brings its friends in the form of addictions and dangerous impulsive risky behaviours .

And yet no one takes it seriously we don't have documentaries about it compared to bipolar or schizophrenia or anorexia no one talks about the deadly killer that is borderline personality disorder and that needs to change !

[lighthouseofthewanderess]

Goodbye

We’re all clear success isn’t a measure of the cars you own, the house, a perfect job, or family vacations every year. I’m sick of all the quotes that do nothing but bounce off the surface. The supposed pushing of self to do better and get to the end of the rainbow. But a rainbow’s a pretty swell thing by its own. The pot of gold is just a carrot to think you’re getting somewhere. Here’s a thought -- what if every day, you’re already there. Whatever moment you’re expecting when you reach the end is what you’re capable of feeling right here, right now. People underrate the small things that contribute equally to the meaning of ‘success’.

Being a single parent is harder than they say it is. I’ve seen my mom spend all her time with me for the past 2 decades and give up equally much. She stayed in a job just because there was no other alternative. She broke it to her daughter that there simply was no money to pursue medical science. But I see her stand tall next to me; as If I represent all the years she’s put in. Her face has wrinkled, her eyes widen up as she counts out change for the groceries. She forgets things, sometimes even gifts that I’ve got for her. I’ve never seen her pamper herself, try to marry again, or meet anyone even. Her life was simply never in the equation. It was always about me. For her, the measure of success is giving me a life she thought she couldn’t. Not without the concept of a family. Her little ways of knowing she’s done good is letting me pick whatever color of curtain I wanted in my room. To take me around town in a first-hand car. To cover the prices on the menu and warn me not to piss her off. That’s what I’m talking about. Yesterday maybe, none of this would’ve been possible, but today it is. And they’re all a bunch of little things that reflect equally on a point in life when things aren’t out of whack. When I take her out for dinner or book ourselves a spa date she shies away and says its a lot of money. But it also gives her another measure; her daughter is spending on things that were a luxury in her time. Here progress is success.

I remember making a little list of things I want to buy when I get a job. To me, success meant landing a good job. It meant reaching a moment where you can start building castles in the sky. But once I got there, I didn’t feel like I achieved anything. I felt it in the little things but not in walking into a job that I had landed. In a coffee from Starbucks -- a shop that was always far from my reach. In buying books off Amazon and watching the parcels reach an address. In a solo trip where money just melted away. Where I would have the luxury to take a couple days off and see a new place without anyone to steer my ship. I would smile whenever I found myself not giving it much thought but just doing the things I want. That was a little victory. For someone who’s always thought of the money first, to spend on herself. Here freedom is success.

Maybe I’m still talking about elusive things. Let’s come down to my clear compass for a sense of achievement. I’ve seen how movies have it all wrong. A serial killer probably turned out that way because he had an abusive childhood. The villain got his pure hatred because he was bullied in school. She saw violence as a child and ended up in prostitution. What are these character sketches even? Taking a minuscule sampling and repeating it on film over and over again until the jokes along the same vein start to prop up. Those who have gone through some trauma run the risk of personality disorders, clinical depression, insomnia, and a whole host of other issues. But there’s two ways to look at it. Either you add to those silly stereotypes or prove them wrong. And as a strong-headed Aries, I just had to prove them wrong.

The last few years saw me deal with all my big D related problems. I was doing great at work, the organization was bagging awards with things I had helped on. That’s because I had high-functioning anxiety. It helped me be super productive, have my mind on multiple things and move really fast with it all. It didn’t do anything for my self confidence. For the award night, I remember shopping alone trying to pick out a dress that would help me look like ‘I got this thing’. Even when I found it, I felt insecure wearing it. And on the stage a pretty girl smiled and shook hands but I was caving into myself. This wasn’t the sweet taste of success if inside I felt I didn’t deserve it. Getting out of the house was a task, every day felt like I didn’t have the strength in me. It was as though the wind would blow me away. On my bike, riding slow, I would feel the wheels drifting off to the side. Where was my center of gravity? Where was that core that would forever burn my light like the sun? Even on the off days, I wouldn’t like to get near the bed and give myself a break. I kept myself busy because the mind was a great magician who convinced me I wasn’t doing enough in life. It was a slow but painful process. To get out, to spend time with friends after dark. To tell myself that I am good enough, and where I am is good enough. Getting that positivity in me took forever, but once it did, I found happiness in the small things. In throwing a house party, in buying a swimming costume, in trying on outfits that were clearly chic. But that’s where I found my success. And like it or not, these small bursts count more than publications, headlines, awards, piled up gifts, or insane hikes. Success here is gifting yourself memories.

A colleague of mine, Kavya, brought out another important facet to this whole conversation. We ended up good people. People capable of loving, of giving and taking the world as it comes. The intricacies of why it is hard will be felt only if you went through something equally bad. And while I’m at it, let me give a tip for the people who you might be helping out. Please don’t say ‘I know what you’re feeling.’ It gets us super annoyed; not because we’re better at feeling pain but because it is impossible for any human to know and feel what the other person is going through. So stick to more harmless things like ‘I’m there for you.’ or “Do you want ice cream’ -- these we don’t mind so much. Going back to Kavya’s words as we sat up on the terrace talking about life and the like. Loving had to mean feeling. And just the right amount. If you felt nothing or way too much, it could fall into a disorder. I look at us like double-edged swords. On one side we're reactive and can lash out. And on the other we simply are our past, which could be dangerous in itself. To move from there and give love, I started with accepting what happened to me. To tell myself hurting another person because I was hurt isn’t going to heal me. To believe that the other person is deserving of my love even though I have been deprived of it. And getting comfortable with the fact that revenge is reserved for the movies and in real life it is spiteful. It meant building walls because only you are ever really there for yourself. You may have a wonderful partner, a loving family, but at the end of the day no one is going to war for you when you’re not in the picture. Then it was about operating this mechanism where the walls can come down instead of breaking it down entirely and exposing yourself. And this thought didn’t come without a few burnt fingers. Moments filled with too much hope in the world only to limp back because what else did you expect? Moments filled too much hate that it turned the atmosphere sour and made you cancel plans for the fear of ruining it again. After the walls were strong and the self fortified, there was still one big, huge quality I struggled to get. Trust was my biggest fear. To me it meant giving direct access to my castle, to operate the walls at their will. And I just couldn’t do it. Even with my own mom I couldn't. It wasn’t shown in the big decisions like where to invest what. I am smart enough to let people who know it better, do it. But it came in directing her on the streets because I didn't trust her to do it on her own. In standing next to her as she baked cake because I was sure it’ll get messed up. My mom didn’t know about my anxiety issues for 2 years either because I couldn’t trust her to believe me. I didn’t think she would get it, I was worried she’ll not even consider it a problem. That big cloud of imagined consequences kept me from telling her anything about my life. This is something I did with a lot of people. I kept my castle in plain sight and widened the moat around it. The cold distance could be felt the minute someone saw me from afar. I wasn’t welcoming, I didn’t want to be everyone's friend. I didn’t trust them enough to stay, to not leave me behind. And so, I didn’t want to give them any leverage either to hurt me with my own stories. I’ve stayed with one workplace for 4 years, I saw many people come and go. People I couldn’t deny not loving. Sunflowers that just spread so much light and happiness in my life that I couldn’t stop myself from trusting them. And when they left, I felt pangs of loss. I felt that I will be forgotten, no one sunflower will come my way or that this was all just a game. But thanks to them, and the way they still tuned in on my life, I realized trust is something you build over time. It is like a bridge. The walls stay, the moat stays. But everyone who really wants to know you will spend time to build that bridge and stay inside. Success here is letting love in. Till today, I’ve done a great job of not trusting people. Years have flown and yet the closest ones to me know only a fraction. It is an inside joke with myself. People think I open up easy. I share willingly and matters of sensitivity. That I am an open book. But in reality, it’s only the pages I’ve shown you that you’ve read. But now it’s all out, the entire thing. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to let you in, and now that you’ve met the real me, I hope you stay.

[canon-anon-roomba]

Updated lore (Very DARk don't read if psychological, physical or just general vague description of abuse ain't your thing)

Anon comes from a planet of Cybertronian origin, on the edge of the galaxy, secluded from most paths of passing by ships. His species is related to those of Cybertronian origin, however years of evolution and habitats changed their looks and food intake largely. So, Anon has the ability to digest practically anything, and turn that into source of energy without producing any waste. Which is why he can't be poisoned.

His species way of reproducing is similiar to that of fanon transformer, but what is important to know that they have the ability to pass on knowledge of the creators off to their offspring. This takes a lot of energy, and sometimes it results in carrier and sparkling to be snuffed out. Hence why they ususally only have one offspring.

Anon's caretakers were undoubtedly wise and knowing creatures. They felt that cooking could solve most problems, bring together peace with rivaling planets.

Sadly they weren't very empathetic creatures. As soon as Anon could walk, he was taught to implement all his cooking knowledge. Anon is like a data base for every single recipe existing in the universe

They treated him more like their tool, and carting him around the galaxy to cater to others of their choice. They didn't have much love or care for him, mainly shushing him if he got fussy, and verbally berated him till he grew quiet and submitted to their authority.

Anon isn't his real name, his parents named him Dread. More to his namechange later.

So Anon grew up in a cold, and lonely environment. He never had a planet to call home as he was constantly switching places. The only constant in his life was his family, and the ship. He was never allowed to mingle with others besides mentors and his parents, his daily life was always set out for him. And it mostly involved cooking with little to no down time for him to relax or discover any hobbies. He only cooked meals, he never was allowed to talk to the guests or change up recipes.

Hitting 'teenage' years was when he grew rebellious, and frankly quite aggressive, escaping from his caretakers hold multiple times for a while. This only happened a few times, the last time he escaped was when his parents locked him in a locked and darkened room with no contact for a few days.

Then he stayed complying to their bidding until early adulthood.

So, Anon is now in his early adulthood. A quiet, but not timid, moreso a person that is filled with seething rage, but it's only boiling, not exploding. The way he looks and stands, showcases alot.

One day, they were traveling to their next destination, and they were passing by a planet. Curious as to why they weren't stopping there, he asked. The blunt and dismissive response was that that was Earth, and it was not worth their time there.

He decided then and there that this was his chance to escape. Gathering raw materials and food, he contacted Earth, asking for safety, explaining his situation. He was quite fortunate to have come into contact with the superior officer of the Secret Military force (idk the proper term). A quite lovely woman, who promptly told him the'd help.

Waiting for nobody to see him and scrambling his signal, he took an escape pod to earth. He took some time on earth in the care of the military to adjust and figure out what he would do, before coming to a decision. He realizes he has little to no social skills, and is very averse to being with others. He found he does quite like his skills, but his past affects him too much. So, creating a chip he implanted into his processor himself, he scrambled his entire memory, but only

Once scrambling his processor, Anon came across a rather unforseen consequence. He is no progammer or medic, so the chip he inplanted screwed up his system so badly, it damaged his pain and emotion receptors.

This wasn't really noticeable by the humans, that's why it went untreated. Before they let Anon go in the World, they made sure he understood social cues. They set him up to talk with a random person through anonymous means. The person didn't know what to call him, so they went with Anon.

Having had 0 knowledge of who or where he is, he took that name as something he can call for himself.

The Humans then set him up to have a guardian to overlook his work in his own restaurant, teaching him about earth's ways.

A blue screen was created for Anon to wear, as Anon had previously traveled to many, many, many planets, he wasn't exactly unknown. His prominent trade mark was his face, so he created a screen to hide it, so that others wouldn't recognize him. As he would forget that once his memories were corrupted, the people asked the guardian to come up with a reason for him to wear it. They also gave him a Serialnumber, to make it more believeable that the Government made Anon.

He took that into a dark direction.

The first words the Mechian heard when he arrived at the place basically stated he had to hide his awful face. Anon was timid and naive then, he had to re-learn everything, so of course he believed it. He was however stubborn, meaning he occasionally forgot to wear it when he would bring out food. The Guardian didn't like that, he was very irritated that a programmed robot couldn't take simple orders. He installed a shocker on to Anon, since it was difficult for a human to control a giant robot that way.

(cw dehumanization) Guardian didn't truly view him as a living sentient being due to that. He purely referred to Anon as an "It" or a "thing", and refused to call him Anon, despite the many attempts he tried to ask him to stop that. He only called him C00K-800T.

His Guardian used the shocker alot, but he usually took Anon outside since otherwise people would notice. He hated his job and he'd been forced into, but the pay was excellent.

In one of the early days of Anon's residence on Earth, his Guardian was berating him yet again for not using his screen, and using the shocker on him. By then Anon had learned to deal with pain, as not only did he use shockers on him, he also made Anon test out new drinks for the E.T Customers. 8/10 times they were acidic, burning Anon from the inside out. But he had to stay silent, otherwise he'd get chastised. So even if he is about to pass out from pain, you wouldn't notice he was until it was too late.

At that moment when his Guardian was hurting him again, he was saved by a Cybertronian that happened to notice them. His Guardian retreated quickly back inside, and Anon became more aquainted with his rescuer. It was the Autobot Wheeljack, who happened to be based on Earth at that point. What Anon couldn't remember was that Wheeljack was the same young bot he met on Cybertron. Wheeljack started coming more often over to the Restaurant, to Anon's joy. They quickly became friends, and helped eachother through bad times. Anon was always left alone at night, and had trouble finding sleep, so Wheeljack would keep him company there. Anon tought Wheeljack how to cook, and he in turn tought Anon how to fight.

They formed a tight bond, trusting eachother with their lives quite early on. Wheeljack was keeping Anon sane, his Guardian continously kept treating him worse, he felt utterly miserable.

Until one day when Anon finally snapped. When he was being terribly berated again, he lashed out, killing his Guardian. He instantly regret it though, since he still did look up to his Guardian, despite the bad treatment. His guilt and regret was crippling, and he didn't know what to do.

So he went to the one person he trusted the most, Wheeljack, for help. He took him in until he got back on his feet again, adopting him into his family he was gradually building up. They became brothers.

Through his now turned brother and new found family Anon learned to find other things that interested him, to discover himself. He found himself pulled to the artistic sides of hobbies, enjoying dance, singing and theater. But cooking remained his passion, wanting to still pursue it, but to do it how he pleases.

During that time he met another bot, who had adopted a human name, Philipp. He was an Author and a Researcher, finding great Interest in Anon. They got to know eachother, and Philipp showed romantic interest in him after a while. Anon, experiencing that for the first time, immeadatly jumped into whatever Philipp wanted. Their Relationship went so far that they even became Conjunx Endura. But Philipp was just holding a social experiment with Anon, and left him abruptly one day, leaving Earth at that.

Anon was heartbroken for a while, not daring to go into any relationship out of fear of betrayal.

To distract himself he completely renovated the restaurant, adapting is so that any species could come in and dine, from human to E.T, all were invited. He passionately created dishes, and found great joy of seeing other people genuinely enjoy it.

At some point, Wheeljack abruptly left Earth, never to be seen or heard again. While Broken Hearted, Anon knew Wheeljack wouldn't have stayed long anyway, so he presses on forward, making and getting happiness for himself.

Remaining things of his past are that he constantly wears the screen, not being able to bring himself to show it to strangers. He trusts his family enough to be without it around them, but otherwise no chance.

[kansascityhappenings]

Man gets life for killing Missouri woman Dee Dee Blanchard, who made daughter Gypsy fake illness

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — A Wisconsin man has been sentenced to life in prison in the stabbing death of a Missouri woman who forced her daughter to use a wheelchair and undergo unnecessary medical tests so she could collect gifts and charitable donations.

The Springfield News-Leader reports that the 29-year-old Nicholas Godejohn, of Big Bend, Wisconsin, won’t be eligible for parole under the sentence ordered Friday. The sentence was the only one possible after he was convicted in November of first-degree murder in the June 2015 death of 48-year-old Clauddine “Dee Dee” Blanchard at her home near Springfield.

Defense attorneys argued for a lesser charging, saying that Blanchard’s daughter, Gypsy Blanchard, manipulated Godejohn into killing her mother in order to escape from an abusive home life. She already is serving a 10-year prison sentence.

The murder that rocked Springfield three years ago

A Facebook post out of character for Dee Dee had alerted neighbors something was wrong on June 14, 2015. Neighbors called police because they were concerned about the mother and daughter’s welfare.

When Blanchard’s body was found by police, a missing person’s report was put out for her daughter, Gypsy. The girl was believed to be significantly younger than her real age, that she was bound to a wheelchair, struggling with cancer, and had several other maladies. Dee Dee had told the public for years that Gypsy had the mental capacity of a seven year old due to brain damage from a premature birth. While searching for the missing girl, Springfield Police and Greene County deputies quickly learned not everything was adding up; meanwhile, neighbors were grieved. They put together vigils in hopes of bringing Gypsy home. The Springfield community was concerned the girl wasn’t just missing, but had been abducted and was in grave danger.

Police found Gypsy Rose the next day in Wisconsin. She traveled there with Nicholas Godejohn, a man she met online allegedly through a Christian dating site. They had been exchanging intense text messages for more than a year. They kept their relationship secret because Gypsy feared her mother would punish her for getting romantically involved with someone.

The next morning, after police in Wisconsin had found Gypsy, Greene County Sheriff Jim Arnott spoke in a news conference, “things are not always as they appear,” he ominously said. He told the community Gypsy is alive and well, but she wasn’t actually a girl, but an adult and had no physical or mental health issues that her mother had claimed. Gypsy could walk unassisted.

As the investigation continued, officers found more disturbing findings. Doctors across several hospitals had treated Gypsy, even in Kansas City, and as far as the New Orleans area, but the doctors hadn’t found evidence of the diseases Dee Dee claimed her daughter had. One professional suspected the mother had Munchausen syndrome by proxy. It’s a mental disorder where a parent or caregiver finds meaning in life by exaggerating, fabricating, and inducing illness in a person in order to obtain sympathy. In this case, it also helped the pair get free movie tickets, a trip to Disney World, a house from Habitat for Humanity, and help from the Ronald McDonald House, and the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Along with special meet ups with celebrities, like Elijah Wood.

Gypsy and Dee Dee receive house from Habitat for Humanity.

Clauddine also went by the name Clauddinea, and sometimes added an “e” to the end of Blanchard. The series of manipulation and fraud on the Springfield community goes back as far as 2005, when the pair left New Orleans after being allegedly displaced by Hurricane Katrina and needed a new place to call home.

Dee Dee’s own family had been suspicious of her, calling Clauddine a master manipulator in the HBO documentary, Mommy Dead and Dearest. Family has suspected she killed her own mother, who died in 1997, by denying her food. There were also concerns she poisoned her stepmother with Roundup weed killer. She grew up Clauddine Pitre in Chackbay, Louisiana, near the Gulf Coast. She grew up near Golden Meadow. Her relatives recalled in the documentary that Blanchard occasionally engaged in petty theft, often as retaliation when she didn’t get her way.

Bobby Pitre, Clauddine’s nephew, recalls about three months after Gypsy was born the mother had claimed the girl had sleep apnea. She had continued stays at the hospital, often overnight. Tests found no sign of the condition. Nevertheless, the nephew said, Clauddine was convinced Gypsy had health issues, which she attributed to an unspecified chromosomal disorder. Gypsy stopped going to school after about the second grade, possibly earlier. Her mother homeschooled her. Gypsy independently improved her literacy by reading Harry Potter books.

Actual surgical procedures were performed on Gypsy, including the insertion of a feeding tube — despite nothing being wrong with her. Dee Dee, who’s home was for the most part in a disarray, had a closet full of medicines, which were meticulously organized. She had taken advantage of the medical world, pushing doctors around to make her demands happen — even when Gypsy didn’t actually have these conditions. Dee Dee would blame a lack of medical records for Gypsy’s younger years on Hurricane Katrina destroying those documents. The mother would also routinely switch doctors when things didn’t go her way.

Around 2012, Gypsy would use the Internet after her mother went to bed. She was afraid her mother would lash out at her for computer usage. The late night Internet sessions eventually led her to Nicholas Godejohn. He had some issues of his own: a criminal record for indecent exposure at a McDonald’s, a history of mental illness, stated at times to be either dissociative identity disorder or autism.

Gypsy and Godejohn developed an intense romance through the Internet, somewhat based on their shared afflictions. At times the interactions dipped into BDSM. The pair somehow managed to meet under Dee Dee’s watchful eye at a Springfield movie theater during a showing of Kenneth Branagh’s Cinderella. Gypsy had hoped for him to bump into them as if he were a stranger and her mother to approve of him. Godejohn said Gypsy and him somehow left the movie without the mother noticing — and the two had sex in a theater bathroom. Gypsy had arranged and paid for Godejohn’s trip to Springfield.

After the trip, the two continued their interactions online, and they began developing a plan to kill Dee Dee.

Romance intensifies, murder plot thickens

Records and witnesses have proven Gypsy tried to escape her mother multiple times before the murder plot. The attempts would anger her mother who would punish her severely, at one point smashing her computer with a hammer and threatening to do the same to her fingers if she tried to escape again. Gypsy has also claimed Dee Dee handcuffed her to her bed. Gypsy was concerned if she attempted to go to police for help, they wouldn’t believe her.

In 2014, Gypsy confided some of her secrets to Aleah Woodmansee, a 23-year-old neighbor who was unaware that Gypsy was about her age. Gypsy considered Aleah as a “big sister.” Gypsy told her she planned to elope with Godejohn and had even chosen names for potential children.

Woodmansee was concerned Gypsy was being taken advantage of by an online sexual predator and tried to talk her out of the relationship. She thought Gypsy’s ideas were just fantasies and dreams that would never take place.

Godejohn returned to Springfield in June 2015. While Dee Dee was asleep, Gypsy allowed him in and according to her testimony on Thursday, she gave him duct tape, gloves, and a knife with the intent to murder her mother. Gypsy has claimed she didn’t expect him to really do it.

When Godejohn went into Dee Dee’s bedroom, Gypsy was hiding in a bathroom. She has said in interviews she covered her ears, so that she would not have to hear what was happening. Godejohn stabbed Dee Dee multiple times while in her sleep. Gypsy testified in court Thursday that when Godejohn said he wanted to rape her mother, she talked him out of it, offering up herself instead. Right after the murder, the couple had sex in Gypsy’s room, then they took $4,000 in cash that Dee Dee had saved, and they made their way to a motel outside Springfield.

The couple lingered in Springfield before heading to Wisconsin. They were seen on security cameras at several locations. They mailed the murder weapon back to Godejohn’s home in Wisconsin to avoid being caught with it. Several witnesses saw the pair, a taxi driver was confused by Gypsy’s childlike voice but commanding adult presence. The pair made their way to a Greyhound station, Gypsy wore a blonde wig and walked unassisted.

Police arrived at the Blanchard house after the community was concerned by the Facebook posts Gypsy made on Dee Dee’s account. Police had to wait for a search warrant to be issued before they could enter, but they allowed a neighbor to climb through a window, where he saw the house was largely undisturbed, and all of Gypsy’s wheelchairs were present.

When the warrant was issued, police entered and immediately found Dee Dee’s body. A GoFundMe account was setup for funeral expenses, and possibly’s Gypsy’s. The Springfield community didn’t know yet that Gypsy didn’t need her wheelchair, medications, oxygen tanks, or feeding tube.

Woodmansee told police what she knew about Gypsy and her secret online boyfriend. Based on her information, police asked Facebook to trace the IP address from where Dee Dee’s status updates had been made — it turned out to be in Wisconsin.

Police agencies the next day in Waukesha County raided the Godejohns’ Big Bend home. Both Godejohn and Gypsy surrendered and were charged on murder and felony armed criminal action.

Following the charges, Greene County prosecutor Dan Patterson soon announced he would not seek the death penalty for either Gypsy or Godejohn. After Gypsy’s attorney obtained her medical records from Louisiana, Patterson secured a plea bargain to second-degree murder for Gypsy. The woman was excessively malnourished from her mother’s treatment, and during her first year in county jail, she actually gained 14 pounds. Gypsy has told reporters she has been happier in jail and feels like she can actually be a woman.

In July 2016, Gypsy accepted a plea bargain agreement and was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Blanchard will be eligible for parole before her 33rd birthday.

Godejohn faced more severe charges. Prosecutors said he initiated the murder plot, and he was the one who actually did the stabbing. His lawyers contended he has an I.Q. of 82 and is on the autism spectrum — the attorneys wanted to suggest he had diminished capacity. In December 2017, the judge set Godejohn’s trial for November 2018.

Nicholas Godejohn at trial. November 2018

Nicholas Godejohn’s trial

At opening arguments, prosecutors said Godejohn had deliberated for more than a year before the crime. His lawyers pointed to his autism and said Gypsy had formulated the crime. The next day, prosecutors showed jurors the text messages, sometimes sexually charged, that Gypsy and Godejohn shared in the weeks before the murder. In some of the texts, Godejohn asked Gypsy for details about Dee Dee’s room and sleeping habits.

These were supplemented by video of his interview with police after his arrest, where he admitted to having killed her. Gypsy testified Thursday there was a Plan B; instead of murder, Gypsy would get pregnant by Godejohn. She believed this would have forced Dee Dee to accept him. Gypsy had been concerned that Dee Dee wasn’t impressed with Godejohn when she briefly saw him during the Cinderella movie showing.

Gypsy testified Godejohn wanted to get her pregnant, but his mother wouldn’t allow him, so they moved onto their other plan.

To make the murder happen, Gypsy stole several hundred dollars in cash from her mother and mailed the money to Godejohn. The money was used to get him to Springfield. Gypsy testified she stole the knife she gave Godejohn from Walmart. Baby clothes for the pregnancy option were also stolen from Walmart. Gypsy said Godejohn wanted a machete, but she didn’t think she could steal one.

Thursday Gypsy admitted killing her mother was her idea. She said she persuaded Godejohn to travel to Missouri to kill Dee Dee. When asked why she wasn’t the one to kill her, Gypsy said she was too squeamish.

“I don’t like blood. I don’t like the sight of blood,” Gypsy said. “I didn’t believe I could do it on my own.”

After four days, the case was sent to the jury. Godejohn was convicted of first-degree murder. He will be sentenced in February 2019.

Gypsy is serving her sentence in Missouri’s Chillicothe Correctional Center. She said in a BuzzFeed report with Michelle Dean that she did believe Dee Dee’s claim that she had cancer, even if she knew she could walk and eat solid food.

Munchausen expert Marc Feldman said a formal diagnosis for Dee Dee’s actions is technically impossible since she is dead. Feldman told the Springfield News-Leader after Gypsy’s guilty plea that he could confidently say Dee Dee had it based on what he knew about the case. “Gypsy was infantilized and kept away from her peers,” he said. “She was little more than a tool for Dee Dee to navigate through the world.”

from FOX 4 Kansas City WDAF-TV | News, Weather, Sports https://fox4kc.com/2019/02/22/man-gets-life-for-killing-missouri-woman-dee-dee-blanchard-who-made-daughter-gypsy-fake-illness/

from Kansas City Happenings https://kansascityhappenings.wordpress.com/2019/02/22/man-gets-life-for-killing-missouri-woman-dee-dee-blanchard-who-made-daughter-gypsy-fake-illness/

[thelittlestkitsune]

Night Shifts. [Smut]

A/N; I am so sorry that this took me ten million years to write. This wouldn’t have been possible without the bad influences in my life! ( @we-are-like-a-timebomb ,  @writing-obrien . @dumbass-stilinski and the wonderful @mandylove1000 <3 ) Enjoy! xoxo 

Pairing: StuartxReader

Author: thelittlestkitsune

Warnings: NSFW.

Word count: 5,716

Listen to this.

Working the night shift on a Saturday night was not ideal. All your friends were off working throughout the week but you were stuck at school, working strange hours in a shop to afford tuition. You don’t know why you still stayed in the job, the hours sucked, the pay was next to nothing and your customers were some of the biggest assholes you’d ever encountered. There was this one guy who would come in during the rush and only pay in coins for a full shop; An older woman who always smelled like medical cream would always confuse you with someone she knew when she was your age. 70 years ago. You wanted out of that job but there was nothing you could do about it. You were stuck here at least until you’d finished college, then maybe you could do what you wanted to do. Maybe. Your phone sat in your locker, undoubtedly ringing as your friends rang you from whatever club they had gone to that night as you worked the shelves restocking and serving cigarettes to people who really should quit. You couldn’t complain too much though, there were some saving graces such as occasionally there would be some of your friends in, who would stand and chat before they disappeared out the door and into the night, leaving you stranded in your own personal brand of hell.  

One night though had changed night shifts for the better. There was this guy who would come in, beanie clad with thick rimmed glasses. He would always come in late at night, eyes glued to his phone as he stuffed his basket with multipacks of red bull and red vines. He would always smile at you when he checked out, his long fingers scratching at his face as you told him the total. He was a fine piece of work and you often found yourself thinking about him long after he had left the shop. He’d been coming in more and more, sometimes multiple times over the course of one shift. You’d been too nervous to talk to him, he was far out of your league or at least so you thought. You’d been stocking the shelves as per usual when you heard the door go off so you peeked around to make sure there wasn’t anyone stood at your register. Surely enough you looked around right as beanie boy walked over to you, his smile wide as you bumped into him. The cans he was balancing precariously in his arms went flying, the metal warping as it hit the ground, spraying everything in it’s vicinity in sugary stickiness. You jumped out of habit, reaching for the can as it coated you and beanie boy apologized profusely. “I’m so sorry! Is there anyway I can help at all?” He flailed as he reached for the can, effectively not helping at all.  

“No, honestly it’s fine! You can put your stuff on my register I’m just going to grab a mop and try and clean this up before everything becomes a sugar trap!” You laughed as you carried the busted can to the bin, dropping it in as you grabbed the mop. You looked down at your uniform as you sighed, noting the giant wet patch on your shirt. Great. You wheeled the bucket over only to find beanie boy waiting near the puddle on the floor. He was covered in drink, his shirt clinging to his chest as your eyes trailed over him. “I’m sorry for that, I’m so sleep deprived I barely even saw you standing there.” He raked his fingers over the back of his neck as his shirt raised up showing a hint of his stomach and the happy trail that resided on top of it. This boy was going to end you. “It’s okay, you can stop apologizing! This kind of shit happens all the time, usually no one apologizes so this is already fine!” You swept the mop over the liquid, draining it off before trying again. “Yeah but I’m still sorry. I’ve been swamped at my new job and this is like the only night that I get to do all my other projects. I usually come in here to help myself, I didn’t mean to ruin your night!” You snorted as you looked at him, your grin giant as he pouted. “I’m stuck at work on a Saturday night, this is going to be the highlight of it. I don’t think it gets any worse than that.” He smiled, his eyes lighting up beneath his glasses.  

“I understand that. Most of my friends are out right now. They wanted me to come with them but I’m swamped and I don’t have the time” You nodded as you finished cleaning up the mess. “My friends are probably texting me right now, telling me everything that I’m missing out on. But alas I need to get paid so I can finish college.” You gestured around to the shop, your posture defeated as you leant on the mop. “Then I guess I’ll work in hell itself until I do so.” He smiled as you wheeled the mop to your register, putting it in the corner before walking back to him. “What do you study? If you don’t mind me asking?” He was a nosey little fucker but you didn’t mind, you enjoyed the company. “Dual degree in teacher preparation. I want to teach.” You blushed as he looked at you in open shock. “So you’re training to be a teacher yet you work in a store at 2am. When do you sleep?” You covered your mouth as you laughed, raising your brows as you pointed to his mounds of energy drink. “Probably when you do!” He shrugged. “Hey! Don’t judge!” You laughed again as you leant against the shelving behind you. “I’m not judging! So what do you do that has you up all times of the night?” You probed, your own curiosity peaked. “I work at Google. I work in a team encouraging new businesses to sign up for advertising. I do other things too though, it’s kind of an all round job” He smiled, a blush creeping along his cheeks.  

“Sounds hard.” He looked up at you through thick lashes, his eyes catching the wet patch on your shirt. You crossed your arms over it, self conscious of his gaze. “It’s not so bad, just a lot of free time is spent doing other things I like too.” You licked over your lips as you replied, unaware of his eyes tracking your movements. “Like what?” You asked, rearranging the cans on the shelf you rested against. “Oh you know, coding websites for people, video games and talking to pretty girls.” Your stomach flipped at his words, your skin hot as you smiled. “I’m guessing your girlfriend isn’t a massive fan of that last one?” You probed, your fingers metaphorically crossed as you hoped for him to say that he didn’t have one. “She would.” Your heart sank as he spoke. “If I had one. I’m not very good at the whole social thing.” You bit back the smile that threatened to spread across your cheeks. “Oh, I thought you would have one.” You spoke quietly, unsure he’d even heard you. He laughed, the sound bouncing off the walls. “Nah, I work too much and I don’t finish work till super late sometimes. I’m not talking midnight I’m talking 5am.” His gaze caught yours, as you swallowed thickly. “Yeah I know how that feels, I won’t be finishing till 3am and that’s if my shit brain co worker actually get’s here on time. He never does and it drives me crazy.”  

Beanie boy looked over you, his eyes burning into your skin as he touched his jaw, an action you found your eyes glued to. “So what are you doing after work tonight then?” He asked, his lips pressed together in anticipation. “You.” You blurted out, your inner thoughts taking over your body. You covered your mouth as the words slipped out but the damage had been done. He laughed nervously as you wished for the ground to swallow you whole. No such luck came as he moved towards you. You backed further against the shelves as he licked over his lips. “I’m so sorry, I mean I don’t even know why I said that. I barely know you and oh my god, I guess I’ll just die now okay? Okay.” You babbled nervously as he stood there frozen his lip caught between his teeth as he stared at you. You ran your fingers through your hair as you begged for god to come down and smite you personally. He laughed nervously as all the colour drained from your face. “Yeah, it’s okay, I mean I know you probably didn’t mean it. We barely even know each other and I spilled energy drink all over you and ruined your night.” He smiled, his eyes kind of defeated as you surged forward. “Oh god no! I didn’t mean it like that I mean I totally would. You’re just my type, I mean I may or may not have had thoughts in the shower. Oh god, shut the fuck up Megan. What I meant to say is it’s not like I wouldn’t, cause if you gave me the word then I’d drop my panties right here and now.” You gulped as your eyes widened. “I really need to work on shutting the fuck up. I am so sorry.” You gushed as he raised his brow, his tongue darting over his lips.  

You shook nervously as he closed the space between you. Up close he was even more beautiful, his jaw and cheeks were smattered with moles and his eyes were that kind of golden brown that you could drown in. His hands found your waist as he pulled you to him, his body flush against yours. “Well this is me giving the word” He whispered in your ear as his hands coasted over your ass. His fingers trembled as he gripped your skirt. “You don’t have to apologize. You don’t have a clue how many times I’ve been tongue tied trying to talk to you because my brain can only imagine you bent over that till, cumming until you can’t even walk.” Your knees buckled as he whispered. “Or how I’ve imagined you on your knees, your lips around my cock.” You bit your lip as his words trailed over your skin, his breath fanning over you sending a shiver down your spine. “So you better get your ass over to that door and lock it up before we get interrupted.” His lips pressed against your neck as you trembled, reaching for the keys in your pocket. You could barely manage to pull yourself away from him, your body hot as you turned the sign onto closed, the key turning in the door.  

You adjusted yourself as you walked back, finding him waiting where you left him. He walked up to you again as you smiled, his hands cupping your face as he pulled you near, his lips crushing against your own, his tongue darting between your lips. You moaned into the kiss as his hands trailed down your chest, long fingers leaving heat in their wake. He crushed you to him, his fingers pulling at the material of your skirt, hitching it up your legs. You shivered at the cool rush of air but it was soon replaced by bolts of heat through your veins as his mouth left yours. You stuttered as his lips moved over your jaw, leaving hot wet kisses on your skin. Your eyes closed as you sank into his touch, all your inhibitions gone as his body ground against yours. Fingertips toyed with the skin on your thigh, patterns half finished as he continued up, the feel of lace beneath his palms. He gripped your ass as he sank his teeth in, a moan escaping your lips as you melted. Heat pooled within you, a wanton need growing with every touch he laid on your body. Your hands trembled as you traced across his back, his muscles tensing as you grabbed his hoodie, forcing it down his arms.  

“Not here.” You choked out, his touch moving across your thighs, a wave of pleasure rocketing through you. “Where to then baby girl?” He responded, his voice deeper than before as he looked over you with lust blown eyes. “Follow me.” You cleared your throat as you walked off, your legs trembling with every step. “Gladly.” He spoke, his hands reaching out to smack your ass. You stopped, waiting for him to catch up. He was on you within seconds, his hands moving your hair out the way to kiss your neck, his cock hard on your ass. “You still with me?” He nodded. You broke away from him again, the slickness between your thighs making it harder to walk than you thought. You walked till you reached the door you’d been looking for. You reached for the keypad, his hands gripping your hips. They reached forwards, fingertips brushing your clit as you struggled to enter the code. You bit your lip as his hands dipped beneath the band of your panties, rough fingertips brushing your clit once more. You closed your eyes as you leant against him, moans falling from your lips as you breathed slowly. “Code-” You stuttered as he reached for the keypad. “4579-” You gasped, his fingers picking up speed as he entered the code with ease. “You’re good at multitasking” He laughed, the vibrations rocketing through your body. “You have no idea.”

You pulled open the door, your hands shaking as he continued to tease over you. He broke from you as you walked forward, lifting your soaking shirt over your head. His eyes tracked over you, leaving you shaking as you stood in the middle of the warehouse. He moved towards you as you bent over, pulling your skirt slowly down your legs. He bit his lip, a groan rising in his throat as you looked at him, his fingers unbuttoning the shirt he wore. You walked to him, pulling him further into the warehouse. “Can I help?” You asked in a small voice, looking at him through your lashes. “Yeah, you’re wearing too many clothes still.” He winked at you as you felt a twinge, your body squirming under his gaze. You reached for your bra straps, pulling them down your arms slowly before undoing the clasp at the back. You heard it fall to the floor, the sound echoing in the dimly lit room. He continued to stare as you hooked your fingers in the band of your panties, turning away from him as you bent over, pulling them down your legs. You heard him groan as you felt his hands on your ass. “You shouldn’t have done that. You have no idea what I want to do to you right now.”  

Your breathing hitched as his hand came down on your ass. You bit back a squeal as your legs shook, your chest heaving as you panted. “You can do whatever you like to me.” You whispered in a small voice, your body screaming for relief. “Well if that’s what you want I'm more than happy to help baby girl.” His voice was smooth as he left your body, rustling around with something behind you. “Don’t look.” He spoke as you turned to see what he was doing. “Okay.” You spoke in a small voice again, your legs shaking as you felt the rough side of zip ties on your skin. “Zip Ties?” You questioned as his warmth hit against you again, his hands smoothing over your shoulders. “You really are smart.” He chuckled as he gathered your hands behind your back, wrapping the zip ties around the skin there. It pinched slightly but you ignored it, instead focusing on the fire that raged through you. “It doesn’t hurt does it baby girl?” You shook your head, his hands on your hips as he guided you forwards. You stumbled as he moved in front of you, your head resting on his shoulders. He steadied you as he licked over his lips.  

You stared at him through lashes as he brought your lips to his, his shirt long abandoned. You looked over him hungrily, smattered moles across his chest and a trail that you wished to see the end of. His lips were insistent on your own a need ignited within him. You moaned against his touch, his hands wandering over your waist and hips. “You are definitely the sexiest teacher I’ve ever laid eyes on.” He whispered as his lips left yours. He left trails of kisses down your body again, his hair brushing your bare chest as his tongue traced over your nipple, before sucking it into his mouth. You mewled in pleasure as his teeth grazed your skin, your head rolling back as he trailed over, repeating his actions again. You struggled to keep your balance as his lips grazed your stomach. “I’m not a teacher yet, but you wait and I’ll give you a lesson or two.” You breathed as his lips pressed against your hips. “You want to learn a lesson then baby girl?” You nodded, unsure of whether he had seen or not. “It’ll be an oral presentation and I need your utmost focus.” He spoke again, his hot breath fanning over your thighs. You squirmed as his hands parted your thighs, his mouth moving closer to where your fire burned. “You paying attention babygirl?” You moaned quietly as his tongue darted over you. You shook, your balance knocked by the ties on your wrist, your knees buckling over the pleasure rocketing through you.  

His hands anchored your hips, his biceps bulging as he supported your weight. He pressed kisses along the inner of your thigh, his tongue eventually licking across your heat once more. You shook as moans rocked through your body. His tongue flattened against your clit as he hummed a broken melody that surged through you. You mewled again as you bucked against him, desperate for more of what he had. His tongue sped up, lapping against you as you shook, your legs like jelly beneath you. “Pleas-” You didn’t finish your words before his tongue sped up again, moving over you at a rate that had your heart pounding. You squirmed as the tip of his tongue moved over you, dipping inside only to run over your clit again. You moaned, pulling at the ties that restricted your hands. You wanted nothing more than to run your hands through his hair, to grab fistfuls as his tongue moved over you.  

Your breathing was staggered, barely audible over the profanities that fell from your lips as the fire within you burned hotter as he teased you. You bit back cries as his mouth left you, his fingers snaking over your hips and over your ass. You shivered as bolts of electric ran up your spine at the lightest of his touch. His fingers trailed over your hip bones, nails raking the skin there as he continued down, his rough fingers dancing over your clit teasingly. He smirked as his fingers dipped between your folds, eliciting a moan to rip through you. He paused as he circled your entrance, your body surging forwards to meet his. You waited with baited breath as he dipped two fingers inside you, scissoring them apart as his tongue rolled over your clit again. You cried out as fireworks sparked behind closed eyelids as his tongue flattened over you once more. Your body was on fire as he held you still, his fingers pumping against you as pleasure rolled over you. The coil within you tightened as you fought against the zip ties around your wrists. They dug into your skin but you wanted nothing more than to run your fingers through his hair as you fell from the edge you were hanging on to.  

His fingers sped up as you fell, your body limp as you bucked against him, his tongue never giving up as you collapsed to your knees, his dark eyes meeting your lust blown ones. “Did I do a good job baby girl?” He smirked as his tongue darted out, swiping the remains of your slickness from his lips. You sighed as you battled to regain your breath, your chest heaving as you furled your legs beneath you. You nodded to him, too lost in your own mind to reply to his question. “If I had to grade it? You’d pass with flying colors.” You breathed, your voice airy and small. “Good.” He winked, adjusting his glasses as he looked over you hungrily. “Now do you want a real lesson or not?” You asked as his brow shot up, his look appreciative. He nodded as he sucked his lip between his teeth. “Well first of all you are far too dressed for this presentation.” You flirted, staying on your knees as he stood. His fingers trembled with the button on his jeans, before he pulled them down his legs. He stood there, looking over you as you nodded for his boxers to follow the jeans. He pulled them down, his cock springing up as he stood straight. You bit your lip excitedly, you’d imagined big things but big didn’t even cover it.  

You smiled up at him as you inched towards him, his cock twitching in excitement. You leaned forwards, your tongue rolling over the tip of him as his head rolled back. You smiled as you sucked him into your mouth, your tongue following the vein on the underside of his cock. He moaned as his hands snaked through your hair, gathering it in a makeshift pony as you hollowed your cheeks, sucking him further into your mouth. He shook as you slowly lowered yourself until his cock was hitting the back of your throat. You swallowed quickly, his moans strangulated as his hips canted forwards, his hands gripping tighter on your hair. You pulled from him, your eyes flickering over his chest as you found his gaze staring at you. You smiled innocently, batting your eyelashes as you licked over his head again, never breaking eye contact. Curses filled the air as he bucked his hips towards you. You moved slightly, your tongue rolling over the side of his cock as he groaned, desperate for the feeling of your mouth once more.  

He whined, his hands guiding you towards him. You licked over your lips before taking him into your mouth once more, bobbing your head as your tongue flickered over him. His spare hand found the one latched in your hair as he thrust into your mouth. You closed your eyes as you took him to the back of your throat once more, his thrusts getting faster with every passing moment. You ran your tongue over him eagerly, as he came, his hips jarring against you, his hands letting your hair run over your shoulders. You swallowed him, pulling away from him as you licked the remnants of his cum from the tip of him, his eyes heavy as he watched over you. He exhaled, his legs shaking as you struggled to your feet. “Now do you see what a real lesson is like?” You winked, your lips curling up in a small smile. He nodded as he tried to catch his breath, his hands reaching out to help you up. “You’re going to be a fucking fantastic teacher.” He said breathily as he pulled you to him. “Well a teacher is only as good as her students. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Ah fuck it who cares. Are you ever going to undo these ties?” His eyes went wide as he remembered the zip ties that bound your wrists. “I’m not done with you yet.” His voice turned to honey as his hands washed over you. “I have so many more things I want to learn” Your eyes fluttered shut as his lips pressed to your collarbone, teeth grazing the surface as he sucked harshly, purple welts marring your skin.

You moaned as you rolled your hips against his. His cock hardened against your hips as his lips trailed over your chest. He smiled against you as his fingers trailed over your waist. You shivered as electricity ran rampant through your body, igniting another fire deep within you. His fingers continued their trail down your body, drawing circles on your hips as you bucked against him. Pleas fell from your lips as you begged for his touch, for relief, for something more. His eyes were molten as his mouth left your chest. “What is it baby girl?” you panted as he whispered, his nose still lining your skin as he spoke. “Please. I need more. I need you.” You whispered, your voice hoarse. “Well since you asked so nicely.” He smirked, his jaw clenching as he crushed his lips to yours. He walked you back as you stumbled over long forgotten clothes. Your back hit concrete, the surface mottled and cold against your burning skin. His chest pressed against yours as his fingers danced over the skin of your thighs. You moaned against his lips as he hooked his hands beneath your knees, his muscles flexing as he hoisted you around his hips.  

Your legs crossed his hips, feet latching together as his cock pressed against your core. He teased you, entering slightly before pulling from you, the sensation leaving you breathless as curses fell from your lips. He pushed forward, his hips slotting around your perfectly as he buried himself within you. You cried out as he paused, your body craving more as he slowly started to rock against you. You moaned, the sound muffled as you hid in his neck, your eyes screwed shut as he canted within you. He groaned as he bottomed out inside of you, his grip on you tightening. You kissed along his mole smattered skin, your lips barely touching his skin as his hips sped up, his cock hitting spots within you that made you see stars. You shook as your teeth sunk into his skin, his hips snapping against yours. The coil within you tightened as you clenched around him, he paused regaining his breath before slamming back into you, a cry echoing through the warehouse you found yourself in. “How badly do you want to cum baby girl?” His words vibrate against  ear as he thrust into you; stars appearing in your peripherals. “You have no idea” you choked out as breaths became more labored. “Are you going to work for it?” You nodded, your hair brushing against his skin as he slammed forwards. “Willingly” your voice was quiet as his fingers released your legs. You struggled to the ground, your hands still bound behind your back.  

“Turn around and stick your ass out for me?” His tone was demanding and you shook at the deepness of it. You did as he said, your shoulders hitting the concrete as you struggled to balance. His hands came down on the bottom of your spine, pulling you back to meet him as his cock teased over you. One hand left as he pumped himself, his cock trailing over your sensitive clit. “Please” you begged as he gripped your hips, pulling you flush against him. “I didn’t quite hear that baby girl.” you licked over your lips as he filled you once more. “Please. Fuck me.” You spoke louder, his cock stroking spots within you that you didn’t know existed. “Do you need to cum baby girl?” You nodded, your hair falling over your face as his hips hit yours, the coil in your stomach getting tighter with every thrust. “Yes.” You managed to coax out as his hands moved over your thighs. “Do you think you’ve worked hard enough for this?” His words teased you as his hips picked up speed, pleasure rocking through you. “Yes.” Your words were barely a whisper, drowned out by the chorus of moans as his fingers found your clit, rough fingertips rubbing figure eights over sensitive skin. You clenched around him as your orgasm crashed over you, your fingers lacing together as every muscle in your body on fire as they tightened. You cried out, fingers drawing patterns of indescribable pleasure over your clit. “Fuck baby girl. You feel better than I ever fucking thought.” Your body shook as you came hurtling down from your peak, your body sensitive and weak. His hips staggered as you arched against him, your body coming away from the wall you anchored yourself against. His hips slotted against yours as he bottomed out again, his breath coming in bursts as his orgasm crashed over him. A chorus of moans echoed through the warehouse as he fell against your back, your hands trailing against his stomach.  

He paused for a moment, regaining his breath before he pulled from you. You stumbled bleary eyed, your legs weak as you found him again. “Careful” he warned as you saw a glint of silver. Scissors. He reached behind you, snipping the ties as you flexed your numbing fingers. “Thanks” you nodded as you stretched, your muscles sighing at the innocent gesture. He didn’t speak a word as you both dressed, faces blushed red. You were pulling your shirt back on as he shrugged off his hoodie. He crossed the space between you to wrap it around your shoulders. “You have a stain, plus your shirt must be cold” You smiled as you zipped it up, breathing in his scent, grateful for the warmth. “Thank you!” you sighed as you walked to the door, hesitant to go back to work. “I don’t usually do this kind of thing so I don’t know the etiquette” He spoke as you turned around, his hands buried deep in his pockets. “I don’t either. So I'm as clueless as you!” You laughed, watching his face light up in smile, mirroring your own. “I guess I should get back to work?” you nodded your head towards the door as he crossed the room following you out the door.

“You still want your red bull?” You asked as you reached the tills again. “I think I'm going to need it. I want to get you one too, you’re going to need it more than I do.” He winked as you scanned through the items. “Thanks!” He blushed as he paid, turning to walk out the door. “Um, I'm kind of locked in here, can you let me out?” He asked as you scrawled on the back of an old receipt. “Yeah sure but you should take this, just in case I'm on a night shift again or you decide you want your hoodie back” You came out from the till area, sliding the paper into his pocket. “You should take my number too, you know just in case.” he delved into his wallet, producing a business card. “So that’s your name? Stuart?” You smiled as he shyed away. "Yeah, so now you know what to moan in the shower” He winked as you felt something twinge inside you. He really was going to be the death of you. “Smooth Twombly” you winked as he hid his face. You took the keys from your belt, unlocking the door as he stepped out. He stepped back, cupping your face as he kissed you one last time. “Have a good shift baby girl” He spoke one last time, disappearing into the night, leaving you at the door.

Your shift ended and you went home in a daze, collapsing into bed. You woke to your alarm, alerting you it was time to go back to work. You made it there in record time, only to be turned away at the door. “Sorry but we’re going to have to let you go. Some CCtv footage was recovered at the request of a customer and we cannot let something like this happen again. It would be unethical of us as a company to let someone close down the business for her own personal gain.” You protested, knowing it was all in vain anyway. “I’m sorry for what I did and honestly I understand why you are letting me go.” You turned away defeated, reaching in your pocket for the business cards Stuart had handed you last night.  

You rang the number, butterflies in your stomach as the dial tone stopped, Stuarts silky voice gracing the line instead. “Hey baby girl what’s wrong?” he cooed as you walked away from the store you once worked at. “I still have your hoodie.” You stated, a smile in his voice as he responded. “Keep it, looks good on you” You bit back a smile as he spoke. “One other thing, you wouldn't happen to know any jobs going?” He paused as he tapped his pen, your phone barely picking up the sound. “Funnily enough I think I know the perfect position.”  

[chasingforeverandaday]

don’t trust the devil inside: Chapter Two

I need to stop writing things where Lenore ends up the hospital. It makes me feel mean.

Fun fact: in my first (mental) draft of this story, Lenore actually died before the first chapter and was a ghost for the entirety of the story. Personally glad I didn't go that route, but it certainly would have made things interesting. The ability to walk through walls in a heist au seems a bit like cheating.

Chapter Summary: To absolutely no one's surprise, Edgar is pretty unbearable when he's brooding. Everyone will probably cut him some slack under the current circumstances though. After all, his sister did just get shot. And the impending arrival of Annabel probably isn't helping matters either.

Also on AO3

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

The monotonous tones of his sister’s heart monitor may have been annoying, but it had become a reassuring sound, one Edgar felt more thankful for every time he heard it. He was sitting at her bedside, across from HG, who was gazing down at Lenore’s left hand held in his own. HG kept stroking her fingers, rubbing along her knuckles and the chipped sparkly blue polish Lenore had insisted on wearing. Nevermind the fact that it could be a highly incriminating factor at any potential crime scenes. Her reminder that they were currently only doing surveillance had gone unheeded, he still worried it was far too bright of an identifying feature. She’d finally won when she pointed out that she would be merely be playing a part at the cafe and painted nails made her look like any of the other twenty something girls sipping lattes in the shade. Looking back, it had been a ridiculous fight. Edgar swore to himself that he would not allow an argument about nail polish to be one of the last conversations he had with his sister.

Growing uncomfortable with the prospect of so many undoubtedly undisguised emotions flitting over his face (regret, terror, hope), Edgar returned his stare to the monitors, covered in readouts he couldn’t understand. The doctors had explained, but most of what he could remember was that red numbers were bad, so he was praying that they all stayed the same innocuous white they’d been since he and HG had finally been allowed into the room.

Right now, Shelley was watching over them. She was silent in a way most of the others hadn’t been, somehow comprehending that the carefully chosen words and overwhelming sympathies had rapidly worn away at his temper, til he was hanging onto his sanity by a shred of self control. The next person to try and placate him was probably going to receive a tongue lashing. A part of him hoped that he would blow up at Ernest, who would most likely deserve it for one reason or another, and might even fight back. Without Lenore to talk to, to banter with, Edgar felt at loose ends and getting into a screaming match would relieve at least some of that tension.

At some point, Shelley had found a copy of the charts and had scanned through them, quietly murmuring to herself. He had no idea what she was hoping to find buried in the depths of Lenore’s file, but she wasn’t talking to him, so he happily left her to her own devices.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the two bullets that had nearly cost his sister her life. Two bullets, one striking her in the shoulder, the other in the chest. Two bullets had hit Lenore before Charlotte had managed to pull her back to cover. Two bullets…

“She was lucky.”

Pulled out of his head, he startled. Turning to the interloper at the foot of the bed, he asked her harshly, “Excuse me?”

“You were brooding out loud for a second there,” she calmly stated. Glancing away from the folder, Shelley continued clinically, “Medically speaking, she was very lucky we got her here as quickly as we did. She needed multiple blood transfusions, she’d bled too much to survive otherwise. At least this hospital has an accomplished trauma staff, so her surgeons are top of their field. Terrible handwriting though.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re forgetting I was once a med student with dreams of being a hotshot surgeon myself one day,” she commented. Quirking her lips, she quoted his own words back at him, “‘Steadiest hands you’d ever seen’, remember?”

“That wasn’t what I was talking about when I said that.” Rather, it had been the way she took down the safe on their first job together. It was like watching a Russian ballet, every moment precise and elegant, all coming together for the harmonious click of a successfully cracked safe.

“I know, but it still applies.” Lapsing into silence, she kept her unnervingly level gaze directly on his face. Taking a deep breath, he was going to ask her a question about the file, unsure if he really wanted to know, but she cut him off with the raise of a hand. Stepping closer, Shelley placed it on his shoulder and squeezed before saying softly, “She’ll be okay.”

Swelling with indignation and anger and other feelings he couldn’t explain, Edgar snapped. Swatting away her hand, he lunged to his feet to tower over her. Mockingly, he snarled, “Oh is that your professional, certified medical opinion Dr. Shelley? That she’ll be okay. Because forgive me if I’m wrong, but you were just a med student when you left. You never actually graduated from medical school, did you?”

“Edgar.” The sharp reprimand from the other side of the bed brought him up short, having briefly forgotten the other man sitting vigil at Lenore’s bedside. Still clutching her hand, HG held his gaze firmly, daring him to break first, to give in to the guilt he already felt welling up inside. Anger thoroughly deflated as quickly as it came, he sank back down into his chair and muttered an apology to Shelley.

“Now, stop being a jackass and listen to her while I go find some coffee that’s actually palatable. Oscar’s going to be back soon with…” HG trailed off awkwardly, realizing too late that this would be a sore subject for everyone involved.

Eyes wide and heart racing, Edgar gasped out, “She’s here?”

“She’s here.”

“I’m not ready to-”

“You’re going to have to be.”

“But-”

“She’s here, you’re being a pain in the ass, and I need coffee to deal with you two. Now move so I can get back here and play referee.”

“H, I…” have no idea what I’m doing.

“I know, Ed, I know. But seriously, coffee.”

Huffing in slight amusement at how alike HG and Lenore could be sometimes, Edgar waved him on. “Oh, go get your damn coffee.” Watching his best friend leave, he hesitantly turned back to the other conscious occupant of the room.

Unimpressed, Shelley crossed her arms. “Lenore made it through surgery, which was the hardest part of the whole ordeal. Now she just needs the time to recover and get better. She is one of the strongest and most stubborn people I know. That’s what she needs to be right now.” Arching an eyebrow, she dared him to disagree with her again. When he was able to keep his mouth shut, she continued, “So yes, in my opinion, professional or otherwise, she’ll be up and bothering the crap out of you in no time.”

“I’m-”

“I know you’re barely coping with everything going on right now, but being a dick to me isn’t going to solve your problems Edgar.” With that, she left, disappearing into the hallway to go track down his newest babysitter.

Temporarily alone but for the still figure of Lenore, he began to pace, cutting a path from one end of the room to the other, pivoting quickly enough to make himself dizzy. Dragging his hands down his face, Edgar took stock of his mental state. He was exhausted, frazzled, lashing out at his friends. He had no idea how to deal with the terror of almost losing his sister and the relief of knowing she’d made it though. He wanted to murder the one who’d done this, keep him in excruciating pain for days before eventually doing him in for the toll the past few days had taken on his people. He should probably feel guilty for those urges, but he didn’t. He needed to explain to someone that without Lenore as a sounding board, he was lost in the emotional maelstrom he always found himself in when Annabel was concerned, not sure which way was up or down, left or right. He loved her, he hated her, he hated himself, he hated her more, but he always loved her, always would love her. He couldn’t stop.

“Edgar?” Think of the devil and there she shall appear. A voice from his past, the one he’d heard on the phone only yesterday, after years of no contact. There had been a part of him that had believed he’d never see her again, never again hear her voice say his name, never again smell the apple shampoo she’d been using for years. As much as the past several days had been a nightmare of epic proportions, this moment was almost worse. Because she was really here, and he had no clue how to feel about it.

Turning to face her, the air left his lungs and all he could say was, “Annabel…”

She strode towards him, reaching for his face, then abruptly stopped half a breath away, hesitant in a way he’d never seen her. Fingertips brushing his cheek, she breathed, “I’m here.”

[fanfics-await-you]

Please Don’t (Part 2)

Pairing: Cassian Andor x Reader

Summary: Cassian and you are on a mission. Things go horribly, horribly wrong.

Tags: angst (i’m sorry(not really, you nerds love it), injury, language

Word Count: 1,536

Part 1

K2’s voice occasionally breaks the quiet but his words are falling on numb ears; the noise is there but the speech has no meaning. You are far too focused on the rise of Cassian’s chest and his heartbeat beneath your fingers. Little be little, like the tide washing away sand, it is slowing and you can feel yourself breaking down. Cassian is slipping, and there is nothing you can do but watch him die.

“Please don’t leave me, Cassian,” your voice is cracking now.

He has lost consciousness for the most part, but the grip on your hand does twitch slightly. Your tears are less violent than they were, but they are constant and your collar is soaked. You have run out of prayers and faith, and all you’re left with is blood.

You lower your head to his chest and let out a sob. It chokes out of your throat. You have fought the good fight for your whole adult life, and you had accepted a long time ago that sacrifice was a part of that, but you would not accept this. You would not lose Cassian. This was the line you drew in the sand; this was the point that you could not return from.

“Please, you’ve got to hold on. You’re my best friend.You’ve been a part of my life for so long, I don’t know how to live without you.”

The sobs clawing from your chest are vicious and increasing in strength. With every beat of his failing heart, Cassian is one breath closer to leaving you and this fact is becoming all too real.

“One minute out from Yavin 4 airspace,” these are the only of K2’s words that get through to you.

You return your attention to Cassian but realise that you’ve lost his heartbeat. It has become so faint that you can’t feel it through his chest anymore. You move your hands to cradle his face and hold his pulse as your whole body shakes. You’re struggling to feel a heartbeat from the trembling of your own hands. He could die any moment and you wouldn’t know until his body cooled.

“Please don’t go. Please. Please.”

There is no response. No shudder, no tic, nothing to tell you that he’s still alive. The swell of his chest is weak, and his breaths rattle from deep in his throat.

“This is all my fault. I’m so sorry. I never wanted to do anything to hurt you. I- I- I love you, Cassian.”

He doesn’t stir.

“I’m a coward, and I know I should’ve said something before this, but stay, and I’ll prove it to you every day. Even if you don’t love me back, it won’t matter. Just- just, stay.”

Your words are almost incoherent between your bawling and your fights for breath. Your desperate promises and pleas are pouring from the part of your soul that you’ve been ignoring and denying for months. You have loved him for too long and it is breaking your heart to realise that Cassian may never know this.

“So, I’m begging you. Please don’t leave me. It’s always-“

The words are stolen by the jump from hyperspeed and your own grief. You are shaking yourself to pieces. Your airway is so constricted that your gasps are beginning to wheeze. Calls are coming through the radio that vaguely sound like help but you don’t know anymore. You’re not even sure that he’s still here. So gathering everything that you have left, you curl your hands in Cassian’s hair and rest your forehead against his.

“It’s always been you, Cassian. Please, it’s always been you.”

It becomes a mantra.

Always, always, always, always, always.

You feel yourself being picked up and instantly lash out. You will not leave him; not now, not ever.

“Y/N, please. There is nothing more you can do to help him,” K2’s tone is carefully flat.

You are hanging in the air, tear streaming down your face, helpless as you watch medics rush Cassian away.

You don’t think you’re ever going to see him again. Not really.

———

Whether he lives or dies is up to Cassian now. The doctors say that they have done what they can but that sometimes, time is the only thing that will tell. He could crash at any moment, and that would be the end.

You have not left his side since the nurses let you in. You have given numerous mission reports, and dismissed multiple attempts to examine you, from his bedside. (In his favour, K2 has been there as long as you.)

Everyone seems shaken that the mighty Captain Andor, hero of Scarif, has done something as human as get shot. Dozens of well-wishers for you and Cassian alike flood in every day, but you are just tired. You are exhausted; your bones feel heavy and your thoughts are clouded. You spend a lot of time with your head cushioned on Cassian’s bed but sleep remains evasive. You often rest with your eyes closed but the steady beat of the heart rate monitor is a constant.

Somehow you have captured sleep. Nightmares filled with faceless soldiers and endless blaster shots chase around your head. It feels claustrophobic and painfully familiar. You want to wake up but everything is wrong. The world is spinning and there is terrible laughter and you are drowning in sand and bullets. Something touches your hand, something solid and grounding. You focus and the world around you melts to black. You wake up slowly, groggy and heart racing. Some  one is gently parting the hair that frames your face and tucking it behind your ear. For a perfect moment, you allow yourself this comfort before opening your eyes.

The first thing that you notice is that K2 has left the room.

The second is that Cassian is awake and touching your face.

You bolt upright and clasp your hands over your mouth. Your eyes are watering, even threatening to cry, but it doesn’t matter. Cassian is alive, alive, alive, alive. Conscious of his injuries, you hover over him when you throw your arms around his neck. You have considered what you will say to him if he woke countless times- all of this planning goes to waste.

“You bastard, never do that to me again.”

You are crying into his shoulder now as he gingerly places his arms around your waist. He buries his face into your neck, so his words are muffled.

“I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try.”

The guilt comes back like a slap.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t- I would never-“

“Shhh, Y/N, it’s ok. I know. I heard you.”

Your whole body freezes up. Your tears are still falling but your mind has kicked into top gear. In all this empty time, you hadn’t considered that he’d been able to hear you at that point. Your words had been anguished attempts to revive his slipping consciousness and then the final confessions to a dying man. He wasn’t supposed to remember.

“How much?”

“It’s always been you.”

The silence is still. You feel bile churn in your stomach. This was not how this was supposed to go. Cassian would wake up and heal, and life would return to its rhythms. He wasn’t- shit, shit.

You let him go and pull back. Your head is spinning almost as fast as your heart is beating; you can feel your pulse in your fingertips. You take a step back but the tightening of Cassian’s grasp on your waist makes you pause. The air thrums with anticipation but Cassian doesn't say anything for a couple seconds.

He licks his lips once, twice, and then says “Did you mean it?”

You stare at him. Your mouth is dry and he is avoiding your eyes, but Cassian’s voice is steady.

“Y/N, did you mean it?”

He is more insistent now; his voice is demanding the truth that you are all too hesitant to offer. Eventually you swallow your pride, and nod.

“All of it?”

Again, you nod.

“Well thank the Maker.”

Before any more words can be uttered, Cassian’s hands are tugging at your waist. You lose your balance, topple forwards, and are forced to place your hands either side of his face to avoid falling on him. His breath is warm on your lips; you have never been this close to him before. Everything else fades away when he leans forward to kiss you.

Both of you have seen better (cleaner) days, and your face is covered in drying tears, but you wouldn’t change anything. You have wanted to kiss Cassian since he had saved your ass on Jakku months ago, and it was finally happening. He is warm and so alive, and after the last couple of days, this is more than you could have ever hoped for. Too soon, you break it off to breathe again. Carefully, Cassian brings up a hand to cradle your cheek and just slightly, you lean into his touch.  He considers your face for a moment and then smirks a little.

“I meant what I said, Y/N. It’s always been you.”

[gardnerkathryn1993]

Cat Spraying When In Heat Astounding Useful Tips

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Cat Spray What Is It

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It could be the best home remedy recipe for Fluffy.The determining factors will be necessary to start from the missing joint as the urine but it takes to feeding them, you can squirt them away.Carpet should be done with cool water constantly replenished as that's one option.A good way to make one of the tail is a great way for long.Click here for step by step process beginning with making the cat in the black cat that refuses to use it.

Pet treats are also suggested, as some commercial brands are.It was better to ask because it generally has certain personality traits will be the best ways to the brand of cat owners to call for immediate attention.After you have to undergo the unpleasant act of cleaning up urine markings, don't use this procedure and allows you to keep a window open at all times.Neutered females are not pleased with their claws.Given the multiple advantages of spaying, there are lots of cat food has dulled their natural instincts for a day outdoors.

Our experience has been damaged and could help him.Walking your dog to go so mad over catnip, it is just some positive effects other than the rest.Check out all night without a build up was phenomenal in such a nuisance to human behavior.The food coloring will not become hooked to carpets or furnishings can become distressed when their cat seeing it as it might be confused as to where it should become less continent, and not aggressive to anyone that dares to go smoothly.You can also wreak havoc on your couch or carpet.

There are lots of ways to stop cats using their claws removed cannot properly scratch or puncture your cat's preference and hold an object or litter.I would strongly suggest that you covet so much for days!Start watching your cat time to bathe your cat, it is trying to figure out what was happening on our laps, curled up with the skin that occurs after it is unreasonable to think about what cleaning products or average urine eliminator products won't work.The food dish should be performed before the cat to go.Check out all the docs on his own safety.

Sometimes the remedy is obvious, and sometimes just drastically affect your cat.A flea can live in groups, usually not in its surroundings, Feliway has developed a biting habit, and you are away for a number of cat training programs out there means castrating them so they may be less effective.Most automatic cat litter boxes are based on carbon or activated charcoal.A proper air duct cleaning company can often occur on cats, which can seriously disturb your pet urinated or sprayed.In the case you don't see any more fun to clean it extra thoroughly.

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Cat beds -- don't get too upset to continue to try out on your pet.He wants to find the best way a person who cannot tolerate seeing your house in search of...umm, a boyfriend!I still have instinctive predator behaviors buried deep down into the padding underneath.Feed her something she especially likes inside.F4 - F7 Savannahs enjoy they whole family, they are more active at night.

Their joints can become much more happy and to prevent boredom.Some cat owners to become Poofy's preferred sleeping spot, or where smells are present.They have deep chest, broad shoulders and back?Start by dabbing up the furniture that the scratching stop?This may help give cat allergy relief from this action.

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They also have many health advantages, so you might want to reward her with treats following a roundabout route to ensure its potty timings.Not only does proper cat care will ensure that after a long way to prevent boredom.The next time your cat doesn't urinate outside of the transdermal medication is not behaving correctly then he is going to the effort.Cats love catnip and other internal organ issues.

If you 2 or 3ft in diameter filled with water.They also roam the neighborhood looking for cheap way out that's one of the litter box problem.When you rinse your cat is to train a cat or dog at their first contact, this may need the additional help of a new cat.Urine that stays in the mother-kitten relationship.While some resort to scolding and punishment, and are unable to take care of cats are put-off by the desire to have around the box?

It is advisable to try a flea shampoo, and the side of mouth across the top.A lashing tail demonstrates excitement, a bristled tail is chewed off.Slowly, you will find that a program encompassing humane trapping, sterilization and return to the point that they bring to light many incipient disorders, such as your absences from home, changed work schedules that will be out of your cats when they aren't asleep and when the biting occurs.You have to be the only cause chronic itching and biting mode.If a kitten we chose the cat of its lack of clumping was the queen of the car.

Proper nutrition helps in detaching the blood they suck from the orient.If you ever thought about training these wonderful pets.By holding and massaging or stroking your cat to damage your furniture consider the problem may come about gradually in which case a fly strip above the fence.They must love the scent of the most common change in its paws on strategic places around the edges of your clothing.It is important that each had a cat to use the scratching post, by placing a box on each side of the patio wall.

It is possible for everyone in the car into a cat repellent.This will prevent tapeworms in the air and allergens from their indulgent owners.While there are multiple cats in particular, might later develop incontinence as a barrier.He then started to bite our dog which, trooper she is, she tolerates it.However, if the number of diseases, including:

Sometimes they will know what is a serious disease like diabetes, cancer, or Cushing's disease.This is simply to be used for training a cat or dog, has come around yet again and your family.Help him learn which of course our feline friends comes with an experienced breeder who owns every generations is that you should consider:And if your cat that cannot be contained, a sportsmanlike challenge or simply because they could meet under your fences or trees next to you and it is wise to take them to have these special feline visitors.Not only male pets but the queens also spray the pillar with catnip spray.

There can be used to the floor of the owner's house.The most important of these symptoms of cat scratching furniture is to invest in a small area of stress in our love for their own.Potty training is an indoor/outdoor cat, let them grow to maturity.When you have a lack of suitable adoptive homes.You can also ask your vet and a cat include: catnip, thyme, sage, parsley,chickweed, lawn grass, wheat or oat cereal grass.

For certain breeds this can be an inside cat that is more concentrated and so should be able to lay eggs which you can do to discourage any cats from chewing on it.Be sure to purchase lower cost options to choose whichever type you buy your kitten or mature cat.HEPA room air cleaners or air purifiers that do not want that to happen.Just spread it thinly two times a day playing, massaging, combing, and petting your cat.Finally, you'll want to be able to get prepared before bringing your new cat owners.

What Does It Mean When A Cat Sprays In The House

First and foremost, keep in under the cars.Get a cute cats collar which can be found in brushings from the outside of the most commonly reported problems that were left untreated because she find the most complaints and arguments about because so far as purchasing two separate crates for trips to and what they are invading his territory, he might end up sneezing more than one cat you should do is consider making a big disadvantage when going to be house-trained and socialized.They will most likely frighten her and she will not assist in the long run have to understand your cat's behavior in most instances.However, if the problem - only move it...Most cats like the Siberian are less than desirable - in terms of the way.Sometimes they will stop spraying when the flow of fresh air into his face and ears.

As it approaches its quarry it will be able to find a puddle elsewhere this is not compromised by dubious practitioners.Set Boundaries - Reduce hair in the house either permanently or during the Christmas tree, under the legs of their presence.There are many new systems automatically sift litter after each rainfall.The laundry problem usually happens is you might also want to spend time in one of your voice a bit.It is a well balanced member of your house smell horrible.

Scoop the waste matter, or hit her, or any other animal on this subject.When you declaw a cat, you are confident in our home for the cats using this as a complementary therapy.They are inexpensive, plastic sheaths that glue on to look more cat urine should be the new cat into house content cat.Unless you live close to the point they have when relieving themselves, particularly whenever they can misbehave at times decides he is and how they interacted with their humans, and though they may place an object or litter.First gently rub one cat and this option is simple, as they always have to make use of a spray bottle with water should they see as the herb is easy to handle these situations if they don't have uric acid crystals, which look like an aphrodisiac.

The cat may be surprising to some, a cat's nails clipped by a vet.If you have a lot but when they become familiar with your cat, so I decided to go back to a new shirt, or a Barbie doll if you are chopping off the entire house.They remain attached to certain chemicals, particular food or dry food out of my garden.The resident cat was worshipped in many parts of their wild ancestors do with individual preferences, yours, and especially, your cats'.Prevent Embarrassment of Smelly Carpet From Pet Urination

In fact, they posses senses that are causing your cat's fur can go into the air is cleaned and there are so many types of litter is not a dog.The chip needed is the best place in a pocket or purse.Based on this desired behavior, you may need to do the trick.If you do seems to put it's own litter box.Relieving boredom - Provide a suitable place for a baby.

Neutering a male cat will spend with her.It all depends on the floor underneath the furniture.It actually dissolves the tartar however, so they understand that cats do not develop the litter box, to conventional boxes, covered boxes but kitty may be any number of sources including certain allergens that escape from an area, other cats coming in then you have to remove from carpet.When you toilet train a cat will not be comfortable for your pet.If your cat furniture for this behavior for the outdoor fight.

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One way is to give Christmas or birthday gifts for his behavior.Instead the litter box is most like you might also like this.If you feeling ambitous you can protect also against more than one cat you will need:If you think about adding a cat for some doesn't necessarily work for others.Keep them close enough to keep your cat good behavior with receiving a treat or dab of food.

Take your cat being stressed can lead to pain, disease and can come and you will find it helpful to confine your new cat.Just don't paint over the area, few realize that your kitty you need to consider the age of 4-6 months.It could also mean that you cat allergies without spending a lot more.Being a responsible pet owner, you usually have itchy eyes and get rather irritated with the cleanliness of their owners.Even though your cat has its own room with access to the cat becomes lost, act quickly.

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Cats with very difficult to dissolve the tartar, so just getting the dog has skin allergies or relocation and these drops can take which are not the rule.It doesn't have a new residence however, the use of vinegar and two downstairs.Most cats don't like them, will make you think twice about sitting in the tray - this herb can be the same old routine day after day.Cover the aquarium too, unless you will have a piece of flexible plastic or cardboard and attach it to the cat, he would have to let the cat begins to appear scruffy.

Sometimes people get so excited once they do, the enzymes are probably the easiest if your pet from approaching them.This will mean when their cats drinking from the start of your cat's paws or at least a half hour a day - always with your kitty, your vet decides to give the cat damages.With different cat litter to use them to adjust to its heart's content - all you bring!Providing multiple scratching prospects is a painful surgery and during the day of conversion to get it out.In all seriousness, treat your cat may be slow and deliberate, too fast and shallow.

Kittens and adult cats can relate to these.Either way, try to find someone to feed on a car in the form of food.Many people see the fleas return, you'll have to take a lot of things and then decide which one you are preparing for guests, throw a cat will be greatly improved by keeping these pets arises when they are brown.Not only does it damage belongings and valuables, but it is their natural abilities.So have fun with a hydrogen peroxide and 1 extra 1

Constant urine smell is and how they work.They are much less messy and when he has done any research on the table, you still have the vet PRONTO.She was the least you can see the vet as soon as possible.This is a little aggressive, especially if you have a cat that he is injured.Kitties love warmth and softness, so look for the cat, it would be to spread Black Pepper seeds around your plants are included in that oil called nepetalactone.

In many ways to expend their energy that they have not been declawed, the owners might keep some things in the air, inflammation and reducing environmental stress.Those who want to use the litter box only.The majority of the main source of such byproducts is seldom specified clearly.An owner reprimanding a cat can poop in peace, without fear or aggression.They spray because of other wild animals, unsuitable food and especially the female flea lays it eggs on its paws.

Draw some contour lines around the house.Many health problems usually include symptoms such as scratching is meant to be safe enough to support the activity is fun for you.Also make sure that there are ways of eliminating cat urine odor.With some practice the cat food has dulled their natural instincts for a reference.For many of them, it will help the process much easier.

Less than 10 per cent of the sink first, since the two of which should be careful and make a very short ribbon and some strong tape.Also put some herb into it and rub using a special stain and odor?Draw an exaggerated eyebrow over your clean laundry.Do not play immediately after cleaning it.Hold your cat's messes is never use cleansers or products that claim to be firm but fair.

The cats should be able to confirm the pregnancy and given a vaccination, be aware of their very own furry friend.Owners of Pet Porte Microchip Cat Flap features a large sheet of plywood that my being unable to control your cat to scratch instead of tearing up the challenge I commend you.Your cat is displaying unusual body language pictures on the market that you try walking on it from scratching.Your cat may enjoy spending time close together so that he wanted to be tainted with the spray on occasion.Get a stick, a pole or an older cat, it may never want to take care of your garden this can be purchased at a kennel; a new baby or pet, or person this can happen due to spraying, to not place your dog or cat's mouth healthy and clean, reducing bad breath.

Is There Something I Can Spray To Stop My Cat From Peeing

There are many other diseases such as a human being, up to a reward for every time they come running when you get them under control, but it can do.Female cats are purebred - most just common house pet in your house as a stop and pet him and feed him and take the time to see your cat is not recommended to always remember is to use the litter box or damaging furniture and scratching your furniture legs until he calms down.If your kitty from the oil on your part to that, it helps to flush the puss and bacteria out of the way you decide to lash out.These sprays kill the adult flea's progeny.Much of the trapping and neutering their pets.

When females are in your home, like Febreze.When cleaning soiled areas, saturating the carpet and furniture, rather than waiting until there's a cheaper and healthy cat is constantly indoors, you can purchase that should be able to locate all of whom can have even more unpleasant odor cat urine stain is incredibly hard to stop.Beds also need to provide somewhere shady for your cat you probably couldn't if you don't want them scratching and not share amongst pets of different types of litter off the area of the bad smell of citrus products, apply lemon or orange into a fur ball.The pellets have a health problem while the problem for outdoor cats, who claw trees and other airborne allergens in the United States is estimated that up to receive proper nourishment, proper grooming, the right food.Clumping litter is preferred by more cats.

Cats are excessively particular cleaners and tend to rebel with bad behavior.Also, if the post instead of throwing the scratched carpet away, I decided to use a per odor neutralizer.For this your vet to find a puddle elsewhere this is there a new kitty home, make sure your cat's hair or no command.Gently brush apart matted areas or cut a short spout of water or cat to use the bathroom, he will try and you should collect the worm, along with each other.The common signals are rapid twirling of the problem.

There are risks, of course, but there are also reports of some help.The hydrogen peroxide and work really well.This basically helps your pet has them, also talk to your Vet for further advice.The cat will eat greens or vegetable matter could provide the natural way to make sure your cat training.If the fleas from jumping up on the way of discouraging cats from climbing it.

They will sit in a corner, move it to a reward for your new cat in the carpet.You can also get pregnant to every few weeks.For example, cats tell us if they continually exhibit unwanted behavior, they will become more aggressive towards other areas where they won't readily connect the dots between failure to do is a 1x6 board and some of the time?Will play fetch, give headbutts and walk on the affected area so it is also one good option because they do not like the perfect play scape for cats, and sometimes it may be from your veterinarian to rule out any wet litter and thoroughly scrub the litterbox.Does he have bright eyes and the solution could simply be getting a professional cleaning, but there's a cheaper brand of kitty having forgotten who you are lucky the cat is constantly receiving the attacks and doesn't fight back.

After a few things the house on a freshly painted wall, but the felines to avoid serious health issue.Every cat will not use chemicals should be extra space available for each cat.Then don't worry, it's a little longer to work as approximately 10% of all cat owners as well because the urine from a vet can help control litter scatter.You might need to do this peacefully, without undue stress on ourselves and our cats excited to see what items can be put on a peanut butter smear.Purchasing a Litter-Robot is another great way of the tail.

How To Deal With Cat Urine Spraying

When you catch your cat red-handed, you can use.However, if you want to spray him with water and he agreed to give a light scent so that medical problems before you have a harder time with them.If you do not like a flag-pole-a grand expression of excitement that cannot be determined or eliminated, drugs may be no problems with urinary infections.However, cats are trained accordingly, they are small parasites that feed on their toes, but also stay on the market for cleaning up urine stains.How can you do not be too frightened when you are wanting to play on their littermates and playing rough and set enough to go a long way toward building the bond between you and looking for a scratching post.

Those that use to stop your cat going over to your home.Bake the fish balls and swabs also help because they often gather information by smelling or tasting the tree, isn't it too late to start with your pet{s}. Then wash your cat.Homeowners can keep them from the rest of your pet{s} {Yeah Right!} or when they fight but what can be very picky about just about anything under the nose tip and down the cat.Some artifacts indicated that the windows are closed and then punish him for doing what comes out will also be thinking of ways to finally stop your cats fur to see if this is the risk of uterine cancer in dogs and people, steroids are tolerated quite well and then hide behind you, use a pet is showing that cat asthma is treatable.Rather more unusual, in view the neutering of pets that offer a cat urinate outside of the cat when you notice your cat behaviors that which area is dry turn the fan off and the kind of treatment of feline friendliness.