#I JUST WANT HELP FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH
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just spent my 1h lunch break sitting in my doctors waiting room just to cancel and go back home cause i need to keep working. i even had a fucking appointment
#i swear this doctors office is the fucking worst at time management.#every goddamn time i wait at least 2 hours#I JUST WANT HELP FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH#and then i’m they’re stressing about how i need to be back in an hour for work#like that’s not helping#why is it so hard to keep an appointment???#the new one is in 2 weeks#when i actually was supposed to have this whole thing 2 weeks ago already#that’s a fucking whole month of delay#im ranting way too much but cmon idk if i should cry or scream it’s so fucking frustrating#like it’s not easy to muster up the courage to even make this appointment and go there#and then it just falls apart repeatedly
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I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.
I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:
Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)
Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)
Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often
Eat dessert first
Celebrate well, and often
Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)
Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.
Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate
Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)
Walk without having a specific destination or goal
Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.
I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.
#mental health#mental health support#positivity#if anybody has ideas of their own definitely include them!#i just think being stuck with this feeling that you don't have autonomy and that you ultimately aren't an equal person or a person at all..#...in comparison to other people can be a really troubling and dangerous place to be in...#...and that isn't the person's fault for feeling that way. they didn't pluck those thoughts out of thin air...#...like i have felt that exact way all my LIFE because i have been abused for. probably 2/3s of my life...#...only within these past few years have i even FELT alive. frankly it's going to take a while to repair what i have been left with...#...so i know the feeling and i want to help others feel even a LITTLE bit alive. you deserve it...#...you deserve to take in a deep breath before slowly realizing 'oh my gd this is what it feels like to be alive' and SMILE about it#i want that for you even if it is brief. even if it is small. even if it is a whisper. i want you to feel alive#unironically getting rid of the idea of 'guilty pleasures' has made my life SO much better
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Something I really like about timebomb is that Ekko actually knows what he's getting into.
I'm not really seeing it get talked about but in season 1 they mention that Ekko and the firelights help people addicted to shimmer get off it and lead more fulfilling lives within the community. I should probably rewatch the scene for the exact wording (might be misremembering tbh) but that comment implies A LOT.
First: Ekko's mission is helping people where he can, he would probably try and help Jinx even if he wasn't in love with her
Second: He has experience dealing with severe mental illness as that often goes hand in hand with drug abuse, namely depression/suicidal ideation like what Jinx was exhibiting
Third: He's probably mapped out best course of action FOR dealing with this and has already figured out his own limits/boundaries. Meaning he knew what he was getting into trying to talk Jinx out of suicide, and was thus more equipped to deal with the aftermath
Fourth: He's probably helped ex members of Silco's gang. The firelights seem to have a theme of healing and repairing and recovering, so they've probably also learned to forgive. If they're mission is to rebuild the lanes into a safe space, they can't exclude people they don't like, they have to make room for them. I think they fought Silco out of necessity, and I doubt Jinx would be the first person they help who's killed one of them.
These all might be a bit of a stretch but I think it really fits. Beyond that, it shows that Ekko can ACTUALLY help Jinx. As much as unconditional love can do, Ekko has the tools for Jinx's recovery and a path ready for her. He also probably knows that her "healthy" will look different from AU Powder's "healthy." On top of that, I expect he knows how to respect her even in the middle of psychotic breaks and won't agitate her already frail mental state
#if you would like to (respectfully) disagree with me I'll GLADLY talk with you. I can think of nothing but Arcane atm#timebomb#ekko arcane#putting it in the tags bc I want to let people agree with my timebomb takes without having to listen to my other ship opinions#uh on that note I have some Caitlyn and Vi opinions that go a bit hand in hand with this#but I think that in contrast Caitlyn and Vi are mutually self destructive#see neither of them seem to make the others mental health... better.#Vi is desperate and needs love wherever she can get it#and Caitlyn... I'm not sure. I have a hard time reading her but a lot of the vibes I get off her feel like she just likes having the power#over vi#I KNOW THAT'S A STRONG CLAIM#hear me out#Vi in her search for unconditional love does a lot of enabling#a good example is when Caitlyn arrests that henchman in episode 3(?)#Vi is VISIBLY uncomfortable with that and for good reason!#Caitlyn just locked someone up for life for... nothing?#kinda like Marcus did to her (yes Marcus was trying to protect her but I doubt that's how Vi sees it)#but Vi doesn't voice this or push Caitlyn on it#instead she asks Caitlyn not to change#not great communication on Vi's part#but also indicative of how little their values align#and how little Caitlyn actually considers Vi and her problems and history#Caitlyn doesn't help Vi heal and she turns on Vi the second Vi stops enabling her and letting Caitlyn do as she thinks is best#neither of them are ready to deal with the others problems or communicate well#again. willing to discuss this. my opinions are swayable.#I just personally found Caitlyn made the most sense and was most compelling when she was going down facist dictator path#sure she could be more but I don't think the show ever really transitioned her away from that#you can see it in the way she treats Maddy#hhhhhh I should go to bed rather than spill every last thought I've ever had
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My sweet, stinky baby… gosh. I love you so much.
I know we’ve had our ups and downs, and I’ve struggled with feeling insecure—especially after accidentally stumbling on doubles. (Way more than I wanted to lmao) But you know what I’ve realized? They can do what they want. They can stay in their world, and I’ll stay in mine… because my world has you in it, Sanji. It always has. It always will.
You make me so happy. I love your smile, those adorable, kissable curly brows of yours, and the way your whole face lights up when you talk about the All Blue. Your passion, your heart—it’s all so beautiful. I love how much you respect women, how you carry yourself like a gentleman even when no one’s watching. I love the way you cook for people who have nothing to give but a simple “thank you.” That kind of kindness… it’s rare. And you have it in spades.
You’re such a sweet, generous man. So silly, sometimes it physically hurts how cute you are. I just want to wrap you up in my arms and keep you there forever… Well, at least until I get hungry and need you to make me something. Or maybe I can hold you while you cook? Yeah, that sounds better.
Anyway… the point is: I love you, Sanji. I’ve always loved you. And I always will.
I’m sorry if my insecurities ever made it seem like I didn’t. But I love you more than words can say. So much it makes my chest ache. You’re my sweet, stinky baby. And I’ll never stop loving you.
#moxie gushes#there’s only one double on here I’m okay with because she’s a sweetie#she knows who she is#but yeah just insecurities about sanji. I’ve had them ever since I came on social media.#did not know my man was that loved 🥹#but you know what? I need to stop caring what others do and focus on my relationship#I love this sweet stinky chef#I’ve loved HIM FOR YEARS#even though I got new f/os I still freaking love him#and honestly the new f/os helped a lot with my mental health#Goemon and Leorio helped me spread out of my love so I wouldn’t obsess too hard on sanji and breakdown over it#and I’ve always been.. way more affectionate and sensitive than the average woman lmao#so it’s good for me to go poly#I have alot of love in me and I should embrace it#anyways I just wanted to get this gush off my chest because I needed to say this#I love you sanji#even though I do have my moments where I feel super insecure#I love you. and it’s worth loving you#nobody can take that away from me
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Look I know Lucifer isn't the best dad ever but I feel like people who say he's a bad dad are purposely ignoring the context of the show. It is very much implied that he thought Charlie wanted nothing to do with him, and Charlie thought he wanted nothing to do with her. Lucifer’s still dealing with trauma from Heaven and his fall and probably will for the rest of time plus he's dealing with what would probably qualify as clinical depression, and simultaneously dealing with trauma, clinical depression, and autistic traits (which Lucifer absolutely has; I do not say, as an autistic person, that Lucifer is a massive autistic mood for no reason) is a fucking NIGHTMARE.
I'm not saying Lucifer shouldn't take responsibility. He should. But he's already doing better than my dad frankly. Lucifer hits me in the daddy issues, I wish my dad made an effort to be more active in my life. Lucifer is fucking trying, and that's better than a lot of people can say about their dads.
#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel lucifer#like i said hes definitely not the best dad but hes also not the worst. hes trying#thats both better than he was doing and better than a lot of people get#(i do think stolas is a better dad but his and lucifers circumstances are also completely different)#if lucifer hadnt bothered helping charlie then yeah id say hes a bad dad#but he put his instinct to avoid the thing that gave him trauma (heaven) at all costs aside for charlie#he was able to acknowledge that yes hes been a shit dad and could be doing better#he made an active effort TO DO BETTER#he actively made a change about himself for the sake of being there for charlie and that alone is better than most people can do#he wasnt a bad dad on purpose. he thought charlie didnt want to see him and acted accordingly which made his mental health problems worse#and his mental health problems being worse made it harder for him to function let alone be charlies dad#again im not saying he shouldnt take accountability just that people dont acknowledge why he was absent for so long#(me being me i blame lilith for making lucifer think charlie didnt want to see him and making charlie think lucifer didnt want to see her)#maybe this is littered with bad takes and my perspective is clouded by daddy issues. idk lol
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he's a broken man
#OHHHH YEAG FORGOT TO SAY!!! ZIGGY IS MY HC NAME FOR SK#2 me i think the decades he spent in the basement being forced to train really messed him up. idk#is that too serious of a thought to have about these silly lil guys?#but he spent decades alone and feeling like a disappointment (and to me) destroying his physical and mental health to try n train n improve#n it all just really really sticks with him#sk cant make it all better. as much as they want to. but they help him a lot#and they learn really well how to read him. bc he has a habit of not asking for comfort and trying to deal w stuff alone.#and sk sees through that#anyway#sorry for the angst#rhythm heaven#karate joe#space kicker#punch kick toe#my art
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for pride month daffy and porky will be GAY!! they will continue to be gay after pride month but yknow its nice to be festive about it
wouldn't be their first rodeo.... i made this as a cheat sheet in case of emergency "if someone is going to heckle me about this i will just show them that i'm simply working with the material we've been given" type deal. just remember. they were the OGs
#I'M TRYING TO WORK ON NOT BEING EMBARRASSED ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IT'S SIGNFICANTLY BEEN IMPACTING MY MENTAL HEALTH AND SELF WORTH BECAUSE OF#HOW INTRINSICALLY TIED IT IS TO THESE GUYS I CAN DO WHAT I WANT BUT MY ENTIRE MONOLOGUE TODAY HAS BEEN 'I NEED TO HIDE IN A DITCH' AND 'I'M#GOING TO THROW UP'#but my rationalizing of finally 'coming out' (which. i mean. ok i did not do a very good part of being incognito and that's just a bit by#design and i have been coming to terms with this more. and also i was more public about this for a brief time in 2020 before i had my#parents and bosses following me and before i was weirdly paranoid that people might think i'm trying to push an agenda if i get a job#working with these guys which i hope to when really it's just another facet of theirselves/a recontextualization. or. well. i mean look at#the images above i guess it's not recontextualizing that much. i get worried people will make fun of me and they have helped me work out#issues with my sexuality/self so i am doubly sensitive to that lol) is like. You're on tumblr here with me too you can't make fun of me tha#much. we're all on tumblr.#but. yeah. sorry my mind is like blank fuzz this is really grueling for me but i need to get over it bc all facets of them are very#important to me and deprecating myself about liking them has been not good#especially because i want other people to like them#so. now you know where to find my pig and duck bunker if you're curious#anonymous#asks#I AM LIKE LITERALLY ABOUT TO VOMIT FROM MY NERVESSSs thank you for not judging me and if you are thank you for keeping it quiet
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As a Gévaudan Lycan, June’s design is supposed to give off an unknowable and melancholy energy.
Gévaudan Lycans are mimics, and their emotions alter their form, especially if they have little to no control of themselves when they shift.

The way June was changed into a lycan and her experience during first shift were extremely traumatic, and over time, her lycan form reflected her feelings of loss and self-loathing. She fronts as this charming and confident woman, while holding back her deeper emotions that eventually leached into the form that reflects her true self.

Fear, sadness, loss, and rage all mixed into this one entity she cannot control. Once a month, she's forced into facing all of those emotions, reliving that trauma again and again for nearly 30 years.
#so when people say they like her design#it makes me so so happy#I put lot of thought into it#as I really wanted to reflect a top very near and dear to my heart#which is the lack of access and resources for black women (especially queer black women) for mental health#there's this kind of cultural thing#where your hairstylist is also your therapist#and June’s design and lore is a reference to that culture#all these hardworking women in the community who will just be TALKING about their experiences at hair salons#it's cathartic but also like#it happens because of how little professional help is available and accessible for the community#anyway June is a big sad cryptid werewolf and needs to not be sad :[#she can still be a big cryptid werewolf but she needs lycantherapy#june kingston#strawberry moon
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Eddie "you're gonna stand there with a hundred-something bodies on you and tell me i'm not fit for duty? go to hell, bobby." Diaz and Frank "i wasn't the one talking to cartoon animals in pedes" Langdon... i will go to the ends of the earth for you
#like they’re at a moment where they can’t accept they have a problem#they haven’t hit rock bottom yet so they push and lash out#you cant help someone who doesn’t want to be helped#AND EDDIE GOT THERE#and so will frank#because even though some people have decided to forget this#addiction is a mental health problem#just like depression was for eddie#eddie and langdon i wil protect you gothic font#anyways#me ranting about my beloveds whats new#frank langdon#the pitt#dr langdon#911 abc#eddie diaz
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it was just going to be a few warmup doodles but then she infected the rest of the page like the ever eternal and spreading spores. hod!!! hod. hod :)
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#hod#hod lobcorp#lobotomy corp spoilers#I GUESS i almost forgot i drew her box form#lobcorp spoilers#and michelle actually. ..#both very tiny. itty bitty. microscopic#other sephirah there too as normal. i cant have her alone. and Angelina as well on the top patting her#i have a hard time fully capturing her for some reason. in my mind. maybe its because is the disconnected period!!! mentally#she genuinely wishes to care and be kind yet theres a dissonance with what she does..? or how it ends up being taken or what she does to en#up bringing those actions into reality. she can be forceful? wanting to have employees attend therapy sessions and meetings for suppression#tactics. which i think is also something the safety team is incharge of iirc. so that means shes doing way more that what she needs to on#her job as a sephirah. just for the sake of employees#she really does care as shes one of the only to Directly attempt to change their circumstances and quality of life and health#sure chesed doesnt punish employees when they dont do their work assigned or stress them out with work#but he doesnt actively push to attempt to make changes to aid employees besides the research perks which is to the manager#yesod IS right next to her and does also genuinely care but when it comes to employees hes distant at best when it comes to them and the#way he tries to protect them is by enforcing rules but he doesnt really create or attempt to help them like hod does#yesod is sort of a passive? way of doing it. yes he doesn make a push to enforce said rules but he doesnt make new ones. just follows what#is already there in place. hod tries to make new ways and not just for the safety of people like how yesod's has them physically fine and#not letting them over a certain threshold of mental corruption but she tries to have a program to Directly Address such a thing#its born out of care but the genuine worry of being a good person and her naivety ends up having it do more harm than good#sure there may be some employees that actually like and find it useful but so many are just accepting to their fate of Dying to where#her care seems pointless. shes a sephirah and to them a literal metal box why would they go ahead and feel bad for what an 'ai' is feeling#as she is interrupting their free time in the company#which is rude. and shit. iirc the counseling is compulsory but people go because shes a sephirah and their superior. the thought was there#but again it comes off wrong and ends up not working because shes their superior in the end#EEK!!! yeah... hod. the hod. there is WAY more but i can't fit it all here and i already typed enough
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to be, or not to be (romanticization of the inevitable)
#ray's tag#keys' art#undescribed#skeletons#ok to reblog#the skeleton model that i traced for this was provided by the incredible kiku @kikunai whom you can find right here on tumblr!#so uh. This is a piece about chronic fatigue although the original idea i had for it drifted a bit as soon as I started coloring the linear#(i really enjoy shading and lighting things and got a bit carried away here but i stand by my choice because this is my favorite thing#that i've ever drawn)#anyways. i often feel especially lately with school being back in season that my bones are leaden with this sort of. weariness. theyre heav#it weighs on our mental health and energy a lot and although there's a couple of reasons we have been given for it#that doesn't remove the fact that this is still a thing that affects us in a very real way day to day although we are good at masking it.#often i come home to find that i do not have the physical mental or creative energy to work on things i really want to#especially project: nexus which i feel extra bad about even though i can't help it because i just started it so recently#it is a mild to moderate struggle to make it day to day and i just. wanted to represent this somehow#my original concept for this was a skeleton with some black goop gunk whatever leaking from its joints#but as i started adding the cracks and coloring them gold (a personal touch; kintsugi is a concept that is very dear to us)#i realized that the focus here was less on the condition itself and more on the body that it afflicts.#so i put it into a spotlight.#ironic i know since very little people acknowledge this irl or even know it exists at all but i added rim lighting. I added color gradients#I colored the lineart and made it all fancy and even added a flare for the head to get the point across that even at its core; disability i#a performance. this is not implying that disabilities are fake in fact this is the opposite of that. i wanted to show that with disabilitie#especially i think in my personal opinion the invisible ones#we are all masking at least a little bit during the vast majority of the day. humans are social creatures and it is only when we are alone#or with someone we deeply trust where we allow ourselves to be who we truly are without fear and even then that can be rare#so i wanted to show this bit of the soul in as broad a limelight as i could. idk this is a really abstract piece and i dont know if anyone#will even get it but it matters to me at least. and even though we've been largely bedridden for the past week i think that's okay#we will get it figured out. all of us. okay? okay. i love you. i fucking love you. we are going to fucking make it#(also the xes over the eyes are because i thought they looked cool they have no deeper meaning at least i think they dont#actually i think they do but i cant put it into words idk. Art is subjective assign your own meaning i'm gonna go get a shower)
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See, regardless the intention with the new Nosferatu what I see over and over especially on Twitter with -no joke- over 400,000 likes are posts about how all this happened because Thomas was way too invested in getting a promoyion instead of staying home and fucking his wife
I mean, it's hard to have sex with your wife if you don't have a home. just saying.
Really, though, the victim blaming going on with these takes makes me so frustrated. Even IF we ignore that Orlok already knows Ellen and feels entitled to her, even IF we ignore that he is doggedly determined (now that she's married to someone else) to show up and reclaim her for good - Thomas. Had. No. Choice.
Not to rant at you, anon, just using your ask to go off on this narrative.
The thing is - Thomas is already in debt at the start. That it's to his friend doesn't matter to Thomas. Honestly it might make the debt seem even worse. He is indebted to Harding financially, he and Ellen are not off to the most secure start, he's already been away for a while due to the honeymoon - this actually is vitally important for them. He needs his job. He was already late - if he hadn't been so late or hadn't realized it, he likely would have stayed home longer. But he couldn't. Then when he's offered this big, lucrative deal, he can't refuse it. Knock commenting about 'if you close this sale, you're job is guaranteed' isn't just tempting him with success, it's also threatening him with failure.
What happens if Ellen relapses and they're destitute? What happens if Ellen is having her seizures again, the sleepwalking, the melancholy, what if it gets worse? Ellen of course is still in the sweet honeymoon phase and thinks that love will be enough to stave those things off because so far Thomas' mere presence and affection has worked. But the thing is, that high is going to come back down. It happens in even the most wholesome and genuine of relationships, and stress - especially financial stress - will not do them any favors. Will not do her and her mental health and her attempts to keep her bond with Orlok suppressed any good whatsoever. I mean, that's basically what is happening in the film. The more they struggle financially, the more desperate things get, the greater the fissures and cracks that form in their marriage, giving Orlok more opportunity to come in and use it against them. Which is quite literally what he does. Thomas staying home, refusing the job, etc., only changes the how and when.
Ellen doesn't quite get it because based on what we know of her background and her father, she's never struggled to make ends meet, she's struggled with wealth and status being used against her. Of course she comes at this from the angle of 'being in a wealthy household didn't protect me', which Thomas can't understand. Neither can Ellen understand Thomas' perspective of being in debt to someone, worrying about failing to provide. I don't think it's simply that Thomas wants to make Ellen comfortable and have a life like she used to - he quite literally is worried that he cannot provide for her at all, especially if she gets sick (mentally or physically).
Like, Thomas in the 2024 movie isn't solely and completely driven by financial success - if you contrast him in the film with how Eggers originally wrote him in the 2016 script or how he's portrayed in the 2023 remake, this Thomas comes across to be more of the mindset that 'having financial success and being of similar standing to Ellen and Friedrich will make everything fine and I will be good enough to deserve her love and his friendship.' The driving factors are really that Thomas a) wants everything to be will for him and Ellen and b) wants to live up to the rigid societal standards of his gender. He's insecure, and he's overcompensating. Which isn't great but is a relatively normal character flaw, and certainly isn't one that is so inherently damning. His love and concern for Ellen still factor into things. He's not turning into a money-obsessed, toxic masculinity-minded asshole or something of the sort. That's why as soon as he's no longer naive to this darkness in the world - the things that Ellen has known of all along - his motivation shifts entirely to protecting Ellen. He understands now that unfortunately, in this rigged, supernatural game they're all trapped in, money means nothing. Money can't save Harding and his family, it certainly won't save Thomas and Ellen. But even IF he had known that all along - it wouldn't have made a difference.
Thomas and Ellen still need to live, Thomas would have to leave for work, and would have to take that job that sends him over to Transylvania. And if somehow they could circumvent that? Orlok still would find a way to separate them. Orlok would still come to Wisburg. Thomas is not the hero in this story, he's the damsel in distress, and unfortunately for him, while he gets to make it out alive, the actual hero who saves the day does not. Thomas loses his wife, but that is not his fault. It's not his fault he got assaulted, traumatized, left for dead, and it's not his fault he couldn't save Ellen. It's not his fault she died.
Ellen was doomed long before she met him, and that wasn't her fault, either.
anyway, all this to say - I'm glad I'm not on twitter. I'm glad I can block people with these takes.
#theirwolf replies#anonymous#anyway sorry anon if this seemed like I was going off on you I was not#I just needed to get some things off my chest#I was ranting with you not at you#considering the people I already have blocked I am more than likely just preaching to the choir but#guess I needed to preach#Thomas Hutter consistently fails at living up to the ideals of his gender and that is why he is precious#he also never takes this out on Ellen; yes he is dismissive early on but not unkindly#his comment about the doctors even indicates imo that he's saying this for her benefit as much as his#he is trying to help her avoid behaviors that could make things worse#it isn't his fault that mental health at the time sucked horrendously and was vastly misunderstood#and 2024 was a lot kinder and more nuanced - in the 2016 version Ellen actually DOES blame Thomas for things#(partially because Ellen herself never summoned Orlok somehow Orlok found out about her on his own)#this is something Eggers removed thankfully#idk like heaven forbid he want to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table and maybe make something of himself#it's like ladykatibeth said on the subject - very 'stay in your place' victim-blamey classism#which is just YIKES imo#it's one thing to not like him or think he was a bad husband or boring or whatever#it's the victim-blaming that makes me so angry#it's ignoring what is literally in the canon text#Ellen summoned him and Thomas went on that trip and neither of them are at fault for the CENTURIES OLD UNDEAD NOBLEMAN'S ACTIONS#Thomas Hutter#Nosferatu 2024
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taking a break from tumblr, will be back july 14th at the earliest <3
#.natu#feels silly to make a whole post about it since i haven't been very active anyway but it'll help to hold myself to it#moots can always ask for my discord tho idk if i'll be very active there either#disability 2.0 is treating me very unkindly this past month and tumblr is a source of frustration instead of fun#bc i can't do fandom the way i want and i can't interact with other people the way i want and maybe it sounds stupid but#it's really getting to me#on top of everything else the mental health is just not healthing rn#taking a month to chill out and practice some of that radical acceptance shit#and hopefully come back in a healthier frame of mind where i can just enjoy the things that are accessible to me#instead of unhealthily pushing myself to do all the stuff i want#love you beautiful moots hope you're all having a wonderful time with the comeback 💕💕💕
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Fucked around too much. Im afraid i have to truly lock in soon
#warning:#vent#basicslly i couldnt focus in academics properly due to mental health issues and now that im getting the help i need#i um. need to focus as mucb as i can on academics#if i dont want to repeat#or drop the sem#bcz that would mean my hard work pre-crashout will go to waste....#theres less than a month left#can i do it#in theory yes#in practice...#i have to try atleast#or it will haunt me forever#sigh i wish. i wish i couldve been stronger#but whatever what happened as happened#this also means less fandom insanity fir a bit#ill still do it i need a stress release outlet#but i need to be careful#siiiigh life is so#tiring#i just cant#but i have to#thats the only way to live#ig#rosierambles#life stuff
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I think after this I'll need to actually try to adult-up and if i get diagnosed with something I'll then have to. Idk. Do something about it.
#steel rambles#maybe i am delusional#but i am pretty sure at this point that I will get diagnosed with something#because otherwise i have no neurotypical explanation for any of the [struggles]tm i have faced and that have exacerbated in the last months#is it so bad imagining a near future where eventual medications help me make it all a bit lwss miserable and frantic?#idk what to do I've tried it all#lists alarms form a routine get rid of distractions everything#guess what#still struggling#i am not lazy. i am many things but lazy is not one of the things. i do things i want to do things i just [can't]#so at this point idk#maybe i do need a diagnosis and meds bevause i am almost certain#i don't want to get diagnosed with everything#i suspect something but that one i Don't wanna know/i Don't need it#but the first one#the first one i need it at this point#because it's getting almkst miserable over here#and i don't want to be miserable#that's not the fun miserable#like fuck i have procrastinated my mental health enough because “nah nah dude I'm managing I'm doing well i don't wanna die anymore”#okay sure but maybe. maybe. i am an unreliable narrator to myself have i thought about that#i don't have catholic guilt i don't need to feel bad if shit gets a bit easier yk#I'm angry and tired at myself and tomorrow or overmorrow i have an exam i tried so hard to study for and i feel my head completely empty#maybe i am not neurodivergent i am just burnout but this is not my first rodeo this was just the biggest struggle ever for the#easiest damn subject of all mankind#i have never struggled with art history what the fuck dude come on why all the fuss brain just study “noooooo” FICK YOU!?#argh this is so dumb and messy
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I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.
It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.
#mental health#mental health advocacy#like... anxiety and depression are often concieved of as simple and easy to manage...#...but that isn't the case for so many of us. anxiety and depression just have a lot more research invested into them...#...and while i wish this were the case for literally every other condition it does alter people's perception of you to some extent...#...so while this is NOT solely about anxiety or depression it includes us...#...my anxiety and depression and PTSD have *destroyed* my life. this is chronic and will probably be life-long...#...and that isn't my fault. i've done the fucking work but guess what? that doesn't account for the fact that I Am Just ILL#the least we can do for each other is to be compassionate#be compassionate to those who cannot heal. be compassionate to the people who can't manage their lives. this world is scary enough#recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage'#i allowed myself to feel angry that i can't heal 'normally' and that was unfair as fuck toward myself#and i NEED people to internalize this so that MAYBE this could help somebody else who is where i was#i NEED them to understand that it's okay that they are where they are - sometimes shit just doesn't turn out how you expect or want#don't beat yourself over you being a person. you are struggling enough. you deserve to rest. just rest please#and just... give yourself space
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