#I also ain't paying any online courses

[arttsuka]

우유

[intheholler]

so @indiestarlight was tellin me about a conversation they were having with an international friend, trying to explain generational poverty in the south and why it feels so impossible to break out of. they asked if they could share with me what they said, and upon readin it i found it so on the nose that i asked for permission to share it here.

of course, education or a lack thereof is only one path we get stuck on when trying to get out of poverty, but i think it does a good job of illuminating a very common appalachian multigenerational experience, in a very human way, and is something interesting to consider if you ain't from here and wanna get a better understanding.

and i think this part in particular here...

and yep alright now even though great-granddaddy was a union organizer your daddy is a republican—and maybe you aren't, and maybe you try to reason with him, but it's hard to get through to him when the objective truth is that yeah, liberal politicians HAVE failed him, and yeah, liberal politicians DO ignore the south.

...deserves an entire fucking post on its own. anyway, enough of me. read their full thoughts under the cut

for many people in the south it's just an endless cycle of. your great-granddaddy was never able to graduate school. so he worked in the mines, or in a factory, or in any other job he could get without a degree. he didn't make enough money to send your granddaddy to college, either. maybe your granddaddy graduated high school, maybe he even got a scholarship and managed to enroll in college—but then his daddy broke his leg and couldn't work anymore, or his ma got sick and couldn't take care of his little siblings, or or or a thousand other issues that could've been solved with money or better access to healthcare or better access to education, but he didn't have any of those things so instead he came home to take care of family and he never got a degree and then he also worked whatever job he could get without a degree. and your granddaddy didn't have enough money to send your daddy to college, and anyway when your granddaddy went to college for a semester everyone treated him like dirt and all the professors acted like he was stupid, so why would your daddy wanna go to college, anyway? and then your daddy thinks that colleges are full of stuck-up snobs, and ohh now fox news is telling him that's because colleges are full of pansy liberals who've never worked a day in their lives, not like him, not like his family who've been fighting just to scrape by for generations, and yep alright now even though great-granddaddy was a union organizer your daddy is a republican—and maybe you aren't, and maybe you try to reason with him, but it's hard to get through to him when the objective truth is that yeah, liberal politicians HAVE failed him, and yeah, liberal politicians DO ignore the south. and now maybe you do want to go to college, but… with what money? with what opportunities? you can't get academic scholarships because the educational barriers you've faced mean that even though you graduated high school, your grades aren't near good enough to get any kind of scholarship on them. income-based scholarships exist, but they can be hard to get, and they'll cover maybe 40% of the cost of attending school, and there's no way in hell you can cover the other 60% yourself. your great-granddaddy worked in the mines, 'cuz he didn't have a degree. you work in mcdonald's, 'cuz you don't have a degree. and one day your own kids are gonna ask about going to college, and you're gonna have to tell them that mcdonalds doesn't pay you enough to pay their tuition. and the cycle continues, and every time you go to online leftist spaces and try to get people to help you organize and make things better, instead everyone just mocks you for your accent, for your "bad" grammar, and they make jokes about how stupid and uneducated everyone in your hometown is, and you realize they are never going to take you seriously and they are never gonna help you

[iveseenthatlovebefore]

Okay so hear me out—Templar!Desmond AU

I mentioned it before but you don't understand. Not an on-purpose Templar!Desmond AU. Accidental Templar!Desmond AU.

Like what if he got fired from the Bad Weather for whatever reason? The Templars wouldn't have found him at the start of AC1 but because of PLOT, Desmond found THEM because he needed to pay the damn rent and oh hey, that's an awfully convenient job opening.

Now what kind of job, you may ask? Well, Des ain't no scientist and he has zero credentials to his name, but—you know who also has no credentials to their names, zero experience, and the perfect amount of fake it till you make it attitude?

Interns.

He gets an internship at Abstergo, somehow, and it just SPIRALS FROM THERE.

Imagine—Desmond doesn't even realize he's joined the Templars. This would be before he even found out about his Assassin bloodline. He only applied for the experience—for the paycheck but somehow he finishes the internship, gets the job, gets PROMOTED??

Maybe somehow Abstergo finds out about his Assassin bloodline, but he's super clueless and is already employee and so they're like, ok, hey you wanna maybe join this special project? Comes with extra benefits!

Cue maybe some mind control/hypnotism/other BS hyjinks or something idk and he somehow goes from desk job Templar to junior fieldwork Templar agent but with a pension plan.

Also maybe a sprinkle of Tsundere!Daniel Cross who is attached at the hip because Desmond is some sort of Templar Advil that makes Daniel's bleeding effect waaaay more manageable.

Can you imagine this?!

Because I sort of did.

Desmond didn’t mean to get fired.

It kind of happened in a blur.

He’d been halfway through his shift at Bad Weather—a moody, brick walled bar downtown where the cocktails were overpriced and the lights were too low—when he spotted the guy. Mid-thirties. Designer jacket. Confident smile. The type that watched people a little too closely and tipped just a little too much to be normal. Not too unusual—not unexpected—but what was was the move he did when his hand hovered over a girl’s drink as she looked away.

Quick. Practiced. Something small and clear dropped into the glass of a drink—his signature drink—and the moment it registered, instincts kicked in before his brain caught up. The punch landed clean across the guy’s jaw. The sound was satisfying. The guy hit the floor. The bar went dead quiet.

The girl cried. The cops came.

The guy claimed Desmond misunderstood. The girl couldn’t stop crying. Management said it was a ‘PR issue.’

The next morning, Desmond was out of a job.

That was six months ago.

Now, he was twenty-four, unemployed, broke, and lying on a sun warmed mattress in his studio apartment, watching dust float through a shaft of light.

He spent the first week of unemployment scrolling job boards like they owed him something. The second week, he gave up and scrolled online forums instead. The third, he shaved and updated his resume.

He applied for everything. Any bar that had openings. Bookstore clerk. Front desk at a gym. Data entry for a moving company. An assistant mailroom position at a tax office that ghosted him after a second interview. Unfortunately, it seemed like the economy must have gone to shit because out of the thirty one jobs he applied for, he got three interviews. One was a pyramid scheme. One wanted him to relocate to Oregon. The last said he was ‘overqualified’ and ‘seemed too independent minded for the team culture.’

Desmond had stared at that email for a full minute before replying, “Thanks for the feedback. I'll try to be dumber next time.”

What saved him—if you could call it that—was that he’d started taking online business courses a year before he got fired. His previous manager at Bad Weather had pulled him aside and pretty much kickstarted him into it.

“You’ve got decent instincts, Francisco.” She’d said and even after eight years of using the fake alias, he still couldn’t get used to it. “But instincts won’t carry a business. If you want to run your own place one day, you need to know the numbers. Think ahead.”

So he did. 

Two weeks later, he signed up for online classes—Intro to Business, Financial Accounting I, and a random management course he promptly ignored and unenrolled out of midway through the semester. He didn’t plan to get a degree—he wasn’t trying to become a CPA or anything like that, but he figured he’d take just enough to not get screwed if the opportunity ever came along. Besides, if he ever ran his own bar, he should know how to balance a ledger without crying. Or at least learn how to use QuickBooks.

He’d liked it more than he expected.

Accounting wasn’t exciting. He didn’t fully grasp the theory and couldn't explain what compound interest was or how to calculate materiality without cheating to save his life, but the numbers made sense in that weird intuitive way, like catching someone in a lie. If the totals didn’t add up, it meant someone made a mistake—or lied. That part he understood.

And Desmond was good at spotting lies.

He was halfway through the Accounting for Beginners (5th Edition) textbook again, legs sprawled across his mattress, when a job listing popped up in his inbox.

Abstergo Entertainment – Accounting Internship (Spring Term)Entry-level, flexible hours, possible long-term offer. Must sign NDA.

Compensation: Competitive.

Requirements: Coursework in accounting or finance. Self-motivated. Discreet.

Discreet was a weird requirement.

So was the sender name—just ‘J_.’ No full name. And the email had no footer. No unsubscribe button. No contact information.

Honestly, it looked like a phishing attempt, but the link checked out, and the listing was real.

Still, it beat unemployment.

Desmond clicked Apply.

Thus was how he ended up standing in front of Abstergo Entertainment a month later, holding a laminated visitor badge and wondering if he was accidentally participating in a social experiment.

Technically, Abstergo Entertainment’s HQ was in Quebec. This was just a New York satellite office—probably for accounting, PR, or whatever vague nonsense they didn’t want cluttering the actual work. Desmond figured if you had enough money, you could slap your logo on a downtown skyscraper and call it a branch. Seemed legit enough.

The building was sleek—glass and steel and way too many security guards for an accounting internship. The lobby was quiet, temperature controlled, and smelled faintly like printer toner and lies. There was a small cafe to the side of the lobby, past the security checkpoint. 

There were over twenty floors, but the building directory only listed one name: Abstergo. No shared offices, no law firms, no dentists or startups—just Abstergo Entertainment, in crisp sans serif font, like they’d eaten the entire building and were still hungry.

Desmond frowned at that. Most companies, even the big ones, rented. Shared. Leased space like normal people. But Abstergo apparently just bought skyscrapers like they were Starbucks gift cards. Rich people were weird.

He checked in at the front desk, got his picture taken, and was directed to the 16th floor. “Intern Orientation.” The woman said with a practiced smile. “Don’t stray from the green line.”

There was, in fact, a literal green line on the floor.

He followed it to a bland conference room already half filled with nervous looking twenty-somethings. Some were dressed like it was a casual startup. Others wore full suits. Desmond had settled on jeans, a button-down, and the lingering aura of someone who hadn’t had a real job in seven months.

He grabbed a seat near the wall, dropped his notebook onto the table, and was so glad he had decided to grab a cheap coffee from the cafe. Having a 12 oz latte made him feel like he belonged.

When the room finally filled, that was when the presentation began. Orientation was standard corporate fare. Rules, nondisclosure agreements, company history. Some guy in a polo said something about ‘organizational synergy’ and ‘data transparency’ with a straight face. 

Desmond was already regretting this and zoned out somewhere between the sixth and seventh slide about ‘industry alignment’ and ‘core competencies.’ 

When the presentation finally wrapped and Desmond had the chance to stretch his legs, everyone was herded toward the second conference room for icebreakers.

Desmond stared at the sign taped to the glass door. "Get to Know Your Intern Team!" Under it, in smaller font: Mandatory Attendance.

He considered walking into traffic.

The room had been rearranged—circle of chairs, catering trays in the corner with sad muffins and fruit that looked suspiciously dehydrated. There was an intern packet waiting on each seat, complete with a name badge, department assignment, and a branded stress ball in the shape of a pyramid.

Desmond found his badge on a chair near the back and when he settled down, turned the stress toy over in his hands. It was soft, cheap foam. The company logo was printed across the base as Abstergo Industries—which was weird. What was that, the parent company? Of all the logos they chose, why did it have to be a pyramid? Was this some subliminal messaging? Was this all a pyramid scheme? Illuminati? 

Desmond grimaced. God, he was sounding like his parents. 

The triangle shape was probably just branding.

Probably.

Around him, conversation buzzed.

“So I’m a junior at Columbia, but I just transferred out of pre-law.” One girl was saying. “Accounting resonated with me more, you know?”

“I’m double majoring in finance and international business.” Said another guy. “I want to work in public. Maybe regulatory compliance if I’m feeling crazy.”

Desmond pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled slowly.

He was twenty-four. Not old by any real measure, but sitting among a sea of nineteen and twenty-some-year-olds, all chirping about master’s programs and networking opportunities, made him feel like a cryptid someone accidentally let into the building.

Someone to his right leaned over and offered a wide smile. “Hey! What school are you from?”

“Uh…” Desmond tried not to sink into his seat. “Not in school right now.”

“Oh! Like… gap year?”

“More like a gap lifestyle.” He deadpanned.

The guy laughed politely, unsure if it was a joke.

Desmond was saved from filling in the silence when the coordinator clapped her hands for a group activity. They were instructed to go around the circle and introduce themselves. Name, school, something fun.

Fuck.

When it was his turn, Desmond winged it. “Francisco Randez. No school. Took some online classes. I—” He hesitated, and thought fuck it. “—once got detained for climbing a museum exhibit because it looked like a staircase.”

A few people laughed nervously.

He gave them a pleasant smile and passed the metaphorical mic to the next intern.

The orientation dragged. The HR coordinator was all buzzwords and strained optimism. Synergy. Collaboration. Brand alignment. Desmond spaced out halfway through, watching the second hand tick on the wall clock and mentally calculated how long he could stretch his meager finances if this didn’t work out just to stay awake.

By the time lunch rolled around, he was starving, underslept, and ready to question every life decision that had brought him to this glass paneled hellhole. The Company had a lunchroom, outfitted with kitchens from various vendors that you could order at kiosks. Desmond took one look at the prices and walked out. 

He stepped outside, walking past the lobby security and immediately regretted it. The spring air was too fresh—like the world was mocking him with sunlight and competence.

He ducked around the corner of the building, pulled out his phone, and opened his banking app. The number on the screen made his soul leave his body for a full three seconds.

He had enough for groceries or rent.

Not both. 

He pulled out the granola bar he’d stolen from orientation snacks from his bag and chewed it bitterly, watching pigeons fight over a discarded panini with more dignity than he currently had.

Then, his phone buzzed.

Shaun:

how's the first day?

Desmond sent a gif of a dumpster fire. 

Shaun:

oh good, you're settling in.

Desmond:

watching two pigeons fight over a sandwich

one of them won

it was not me

i’m eating a granola bar i stole from orientation snacks.

lunch prices are criminal.

Shaun:

i warned you

that building is a temple to late stage capitalism and soft cult vibes.

Desmond:

it smells like printer toner and regret.

the receptionist has dead eyes.

Shaun:

told you

something’s off about that place

Desmond:

yeah well

off is paying better than broke

Shaun:

hm.

i have an idea.

Desmond stared at the screen, then typed slowly.

Desmond:

i don’t like it when you say that.

Shaun:

you’ll love this one

i applied to the cafe in the lobby

Desmond:

wait what

Shaun:

barista job. i start next week.

figured i’d keep an eye on you

make sure the capitalist death cult doesn’t eat you whole

Desmond:

i’m fine

you don’t need to go undercover

Shaun:

too late

call it espionage adjacent moral support

Desmond stared at the screen, watching the message linger like a slow loading virus, and shook his head.

Shaun was crazy.

Not dangerous crazy, but definitely ‘might build a hidden server farm in a storage unit just to expose corporate tax fraud’ crazy.

Desmond hadn’t looked that deep into Abstergo before applying. Technically, Abstergo Entertainment didn’t exist. Not officially. Not publicly. The website was half-built, the branding was inconsistent, and even the job listing had felt like a phishing attempt. He’d Googled it once—got a corporate landing page and a PDF press release that might’ve been made in Microsoft Publisher.

Supposedly, it was a “pilot division.” Something to do with interactive media. A new branch of Abstergo’s tech empire focused on storytelling and “memory-based experiences.” Whatever that meant.

Desmond figured it was probably just some exec’s passion project with too much funding and no oversight. Which would explain the stress muffins, the biometric elevators, and the eerie sense that the walls were watching.

Abstergo Entertainment was just another subsidiary of Abstergo Industries, which supposedly did medical tech, biotech, and some research stuff too. Something about ‘memory science.’ He’d skimmed the corporate site long enough to copy buzzwords into his cover letter, then stopped caring. As long as he got experience and a paycheck, he could ignore the sterile lobby and pyramid logos.

Shaun, on the other hand, cared.

Too much.

Desmond didn’t know how the guy found half the things he did—old court filings, shuttered LLCs, redacted patents—but he had a talent for digging. If there were skeletons in the closet, Shaun would find them. Probably label them. Possibly send them a polite email.

Still, Desmond had to wonder. Was this whole barista thing really about some undercover scheme?

Or was Shaun just being… Shaun?

The guy did have a weird habit of showing up when Desmond looked like he might spiral. Maybe this was less about Abstergo and more about moral support disguised as espionage.

He didn’t ask. He just shook his head again, stuffed his phone into his pocket, and went back inside.

——

By the time Desmond returned, the room had been rearranged again. Chairs in rows now, not circles. Everyone had settled in like they were preparing for a final exam.

The HR coordinator was already standing at the front of the room with a new slide on the screen.

“Welcome to your official rotation schedule!” She chirped, like this was exciting news.

Desmond slid into an empty seat near the back, sipping the last of his coffee like it was all that tethered him to this dimension.

“You’ve all been accepted into a ten week internship program.” She continued. “Every week, you’ll rotate through a different department in our Finance Division. That means new mentors, new challenges, and lots of opportunities to learn!”

There were some murmurs of excitement. Desmond resisted the urge to die.

“You’ll be in groups of three for each rotation. These groups will stay the same across all ten weeks, so please lean on each other. Support your team. Build those connections!”

She winked, too exaggerated to be normal.

Oh god, it was a group project. For a corporate summer camp.

“Each rotation will introduce you to a key department in Abstergo’s financial operations.” She said, clicking to the next slide. “These include, but are not limited to—” The slide flashed, bullet pointing the departments against corporate approved background: 

Accounts Payable

Accounts Receivable

Payroll

Financial Reporting

Internal Audit

Cost Accounting

Capital Expenditure Management

Budgeting & Forecasting

Inventory Management

Compliance & Risk Management

“Don’t worry if some of these sound intimidating. Your mentors are here to help. Just show up, ask questions, and take notes!”

Desmond nodded along, mostly to pretend he was listening. Ten weeks. Ten departments. Two interns glued to his side the whole time.

‘Guess I’d better hope they’re not insufferable.’ He thought. Or worse—motivated.

As the coordinator read off group assignments, Desmond barely registered his name until—

“Group 4: Francisco Randez, Caleb Larson, and Andrea Lin.”

He blinked. That was him.

A guy two rows ahead shot up like someone had just called him up to the Price is Right stage.

“That’s me!” He said brightly, like a labrador in a business casual button-down. He had blond hair, bright blue eyes, and the energy of someone who unironically said things like—‘Let’s crush it today!’

Desmond raised a hand halfway in acknowledgment. The guy immediately made his way over.

“Hey! Francisco, right? I’m Caleb.” He beamed. “Stoked to be on your team, man.”

“Yeah.” Desmond said and tried to sound more excited than he felt. “Can’t wait.”

From the side, a girl slid into the third chair with all the grace of a housecat hopping onto a sunlit windowsill. Sleek black hair, winged eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man, and an expression that said she’d already decided how much effort this internship was worth—which was not much.

“Andrea.” She said, voice smooth but flat. “Don’t expect morning conversation.”

“Got it.” Desmond replied, respecting the vibe.

Caleb didn’t get it.

“That’s cool! We all bring something to the table.” He said, completely unbothered. “I’m just excited to get started, you know? Learn everything. Meet people. Network.”

“Gross.” Andrea muttered, already scrolling on her phone.

Desmond leaned back slightly and looked at the two of them. One radiated sunshine. The other looked like she’d bite him if he breathed wrong.

‘I’m going to die.’ He thought. ‘I’m going to die in a corporate sandbox with a human golden retriever and a feral alley cat.’

The coordinator clapped again.

“Group lists are final!” She named the groups and their assigned department before turning to Desmond’s group. “Group 4, you’ll be heading to your first rotation in Accounts Payable after the break. Your mentor will meet you there. Don’t be late!”

Caleb gave a thumbs up like this was a motivational retreat. “Awesome! That’s where the magic starts, right? Payments, invoices—money in motion?”

Desmond looked at him, personally offended by the phrase ‘money in motion.’

Andrea didn’t look up from her phone.

The coordinator continued. “You’ll report to Janet from 9am to 1pm each day. She’ll walk you through the basics—vendor tracking, payment logs, invoice reconciliation, and so on. At 1pm, all interns will head back to the 16th floor for the daily group session. After that, you may return to your departments at 2pm before being released at 5pm. Pretty straightforward.”

Desmond just sighed.

Only ten weeks, he reminded himself. How bad could it be?

(Spoiler: it would be very bad.)

------

IDK if I'm even capable of continuing this cause I have my main wip, but like imagine William’s reaction. Imagine Desmond's reaction when he finds out about the mind control and human experimentation and is like, oh no I've accidentally joined another cult and he's like SHIT.

Cue:

Office spy!Desmond

Feral Tsundere!Daniel defecting to be with bae

Desmond stealing a POE

?????

Corporate espionage that ends with Desmond nuking Abstergo servers using Clippy as the virus--("Hi! It looks like you’re trying to commit genocide. Would you like help with that?")

SOLAR FLARE? IDFK. Why touch it in the first place? It needs Desmond's touch? FINE. Desmond sneezes, hits the Eye/ORB THING. BOOM. SOLAR FLARE CANCELED. THE WORLD IS SAVED.

[wolfertinger]

Really sorry this is kinda irrelevant to Salem, but directed towards the Majora shit.

Considering I was informed by friends of a certain someone (Majora) and her family attempting to file "slander" charges and other charges against ppl online due to her getting police called on her, I want to make myself perfectly clear so I'll be submitting this here and to the cultc0re callout blog myself and I swear to GOD this better be the last time I ever have to submit shit anywhere because I'm exhausted. I am so fucking exhausted.

I had nothing to do with police being called on her in regards to these grooming allegations and I want to make myself perfectly clear on that. My friend cult_clowns (Phobia) who she also has tried to blame and say was responsible had nothing to do with it either. Phobia is never online as is and she's tried to distance herself from this entire ordeal as well.

I was originally planning to file charges on Majora for being somewhat involved in the doxxing and death threats I was getting from kids online but authorities have already handled that issue directly with the kids themselves, or have tried to, and can't really do nothing about Majora herself so I just let it go as I've got a lot of other shit on my plate.

I have not filed any reports on Majora like others have, like I originally claimed I would. After a point, I got too exhausted to care anymore because this shit ain't gone no where. I feel I need to submit this in case she tries to come at me or anyone else further with these claims that we did anything to her. I don't know who was responsible for calling the police, so I can't really give info on that either. Idk what to tell you Majora. You seem to forget a lot of people have issues with you. Regardless of what you may or may not think, I do not stalk your accounts, I do not pay attention to you. I don't know how many times I have to say this: I genuinely want nothing to do with you and haven't wanted shit to do with you the past year. I've tried to keep you blocked on all my accounts while focusing on my own shit, and putting my time and energy into ppl I care about and my career.

Need to clear my name cuz I'll be damned if she tries to claim I was responsible for that, too.

please, do not feel the need to apologise, and again know, none of this is your fault. sincerely. i am hoping, this is the end of majoras shit.

abusers, always, will try to make their victims, seem like the villain. and of course. when majoras actions, finally catch up with her, a big story is constructed, about "swatting" and "doxxing". that conveniently turns out, to be another excuse, to harass and attack her victims, into silence.

[megatownac]

Who still plays Pocket Camp

I still play Pocket Camp. I have a full friend list of over 90 people who still play, too. I was surprised yesterday morning when I started up the game and got the message that it was shutting down in a few months.

I've been a Happy Helper member for, apparently, 1,738 days, getting Leaf Tickets every month as part of that plan, so I'm sitting on a stash of over 4,500 tickets still that I can't possibly spend before the game ends and they become worthless.

I also stockpiled snacks. I had over 4,400 gold treats yesterday, 4,000 bronze treats, and 1,980 silver treats. I just found it tedious to give them away, and really only bothered when new characters showed up so that I could level them up to be on par with everyone else. That's also when I would give away all of the themed snacks, so I only have, at most, about 200 of any of those. I last gave them away about two months ago, I think, when the last batch of new animals dropped.

I play the game a lot, actually. I have a special voice trigger for Alexa where I say "Alexa, do the thing," and it starts a 178-minute timer for me. If I say "Alexa, do the other thing," it lists all of my active timers so that I can see how much time is left. I harvest my flowers, tell Alexa to do the thing, and when the timer goes off again, I open the game up. I just hit level 599 today when I gave away another 120 gold treats, 5 at a time to 24 animals, to see if I can give them all away before the game ends.

I've never been good at moderation.

But nothing lasts forever. The game has felt unsustainable for the last couple of years. There's a new set of furniture items each month for the latest event, but for years now each month has had a bug-collecting event, a fishing contest, and a gyroidite-collecting event each and every month. It was a pattern, and I was getting tired of it. How many new items could they possibly make before the game simply became too large to keep updating it? Apparently, two more months' worth.

I still played, though. If nothing else, I justified it by saying I was getting weekly Platinum Points. I spend those points. I've gotten calendars, keychains, posters, all kinds of things with those points. I had to pay shipping, of course, but I still got those things. I guess I'll have to do the actual monthly "quests" in Switch Online or something if I want to keep getting Platinum Points. I sure ain't gonna play Fire Emblem on my phone.

I knew this would happen eventually, and the game did last for seven years, which is incredibly long for a mobile game that hasn't had any major changes to it in so long. I do wish I'd been able to add Hiropi to my Switch friend list, though, or find out who they are. We've given each other a combined total of over 2,700 gifts now, since we've managed to keep it going nearly every day.

I have no idea what the offline version of the game will be. Maybe I'll be able to get all those fortune cookie items I never spent Leaf Tickets on. Or landscape items I never bought. Maybe they'll finish releasing all of the animals. I'm sure there are still some they haven't.

Or maybe, just maybe, I'll find myself with a lot of spare time all of a sudden after seven years of playing the same game.

Wouldn't that be something?

[revpapaj]

Three Questions That I Keep Hearing.

Please take the time read and tell me your thoughts.

Is There Such Thing As Head Work In Hoodoo? No. I've also heard of this so called head working. But it's not a thing in hoodoo. A skull candle don't just work on a person's mind.

Question: I Read There No Blood Sacrifice In Hoodoo? Yes there is. Okay there are online comment that is speaking on this saying probably from spiritual online community saying how Hoodoo isn't strong enough because they don't do any sacrifices.

People can I correct these people and say That's incorrect, because we do sacrifices when its need. It can be use for hex's, healing the body of disease, sending petitions to ancestors.. So people if you know your history especially black Americans then you should know that they did sacrifices right so how can someone believe we still don't do it when it's called for, when most religions even Christianity have sacrifice goats to ansestors. That's like saying Vodou or Palo or Santeria don't do it.

Even see on line some of y'all put your petition paper in a casket / coffin for working like say hex or curse. That can also be use to send messages to ansestors.

But you know some of the older ways to send a petition to ansestors was to make a petition paper burn it to ash put it in the mouth of a goat sacrifice it, That will take it to the spirit world ansestors.. I seen it in the mouth of a pegon.

All I'm saying don't be ignorant to this.

Question: Do Some People Go To Hoodoo For The Wrong Reasons? Yes.. I would say so.. Some do it for Good reasons like starting a botanica or a online shop.. Others do it they may do it because they may think hoodoo is more powerful.

Online you see online all this this pretty shit, the altars, the pretty spell candles with glitter inside or bottles that have to have the wax perfectly dripping down and the authors who write books on hoodoo that is fake. I'll tell ya real magic isn't pretty and if you think this is real hoodoo then you have seen it.

Then some get into this is because they get tired of the church or going to church is one big reason.

After they leave the church and maybe even Christianity they now want to get back to their roots which I think is is Great 😃👍

Now This What I Think Is The Wrong Reasons Some Get Into This. Now after they leave the Christian church they want to get into Ifa because they read all this stuff online about the religion or see celebrities talk on it and they want to become a Babalawo or maybe a Santero... Because they watched a movie like Eves Bayou, Skeleton Key, The Craft or The Believer so now they buy and put on they elekes and want to be a priest or priestess and they get a reading done.

So they pay for a reading with a Babalawo or Santero and they tell them you need to be initiated. Great, there happy now," How much is it going to cost they ask around $200, $300? " No, it's will cost around $15,000. Now reality hit them they get mad and say shit like. " This is a rip off $15,000 they ain't shit. I'm going to to learn Haitian Vodou.

So now you fine you a Mambo or a Houngan get a reading don't for $50 to $100 and they tell you that you might have the gift to become a Houngan or Mambo Asogwe. Again your happy to hear that right.

"How Much Is This Going Cost Me? It'll cost around 12,000 and time in Haiti". "I don't have that kind of money, This is Bull Shit they just trying to take my money making me go to Haiti, This is shit is fake too". So what's next.

I'm going to do Santeria or another Orisha practice. Same thing you get a reading done and ask what it cost. "The average price in the United States is between $8000 - $12 000. More if it's a warrior Orisha and some be up to $20,000. "This Is Bull You Say."

So now what may be a Palero. "That'll be a start of around $2,500 just for a initiation. So now they need to find something cheaper. So you pick Hoodoo, you look online and you find a online course like Lucky Mojo gives and it only cost $200, $300 dollars and you think.

" You mean I can become Pro in Hoodoo after intaking a 2 week course", and reading a few books, (that are badly writing books that nothing to do with real hoodoo). So you take the course and now you get you little certificate and a tarot deck and start calling yourself Papa and Mama and telling people your hoodoo is traditional and you been doing this for 10-15-20+ yrs. Only to promote a new business.

That's sad people. 😢😭

What happens now is when someone ask you for help you do a reading tell them what your going to do they say" WOW 😳 I never heard of that before" well that because I'm it a secret and my Hoodoo is different and you believe it because you can't check to see if this person is legit or not because now one really knows the real outside the real communities.

But if you pretend to be Houngan Asogwe voodoo priest or a Santero, or a Palero, or a Babalawo etc if you lie they'll know. Because if you can answer who your God parent is; or what this is or that means then we know you not a real priest.

All I'm saying is if you get into a practice do it for the right reasons, don't do it because you don't want to spend the money to become a priest and rather take a online course because it's cheaper. That's make the people who do train and practice for years look bad.

[cosmicstarlatte]

Customer Service (Obey Me!)

━━━━━━━━━━ ✦ ━━━━━━━━━━

They try contacting customer service. 🤷‍♂️

»Characters: Demon Bros

»Tags: Certified Shitpost™️, Pathetic Lucifer is my favorite Lucifer

»Notes: It's been a while since I've done a shitpost bulleted fic so ♡reblogs♡ are appreciated. I've had this wip since March apparently? 💀

Lucifer:

A hand on his hip and the phone in the other

This man means business

"Don't talk to me, I'm trying to keep my level of anger"

Held onto his anger for two hours waiting for the next agent

The annoying hold music only fueled him

Tried to be reasonable with the agent when he got patched through

But they were new

"Look, just get me your manager."

Waited another half hour for them

The problem got fixed rather quickly actually

smirked in satisfaction...Lucifer always wins.

If only he noticed the two stuck pages in the manual, he would've not wasted his morning

Mammon:

If he wasn't broke he would've paid someone else to make the call

Waited for an hour but it felt like eternity

"Yeah ain't there a satisfaction guarantee on this anyway!? The customers always right!"

Tried to get a replacement for his earbuds

And a refund while he was at it

Scammy? What?? Nooo....

"They fell in the wash! It's not my fault! Did I get insurance? Who has the money for that?"

Him and the agent went back and forth for a while

The agent finally caved and promised to replace the earbuds

"Finally! Ya better send 'em quick! -click-"

...

He realized he never gave the agent his address & had to start the process all over again

Levi:

Lol

Tried online chat but his specific issue needed a real agent because...of course it would

Tried to pay one of his brothers to make the call for him

They rather stab themselves or wage war against Diavolo than call customer service

Took anxiety medication before trying to call

Waited three hours on hold but played something soothing in the meantime

helloooo ruri and friends crossing

He stopped when he heard the hold music stop

"Hello thank you for calling Akuz-"

click

"It's not that important."

Satan:

This is how a pro does it.jpg

Drank his little coffee and ate his fresh little pastry

See, he set an alarm to call customer service right when they open their lines

Had the number typed and ready to go with a press

BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP

Finally!

-dialing tone-

"Hello. Your wait time is 2 hours and-"

...

...

...

Slammed his phone on the floor and it broke

Went to go fight the company in person

His issue got fixed

The company had to tighten their security after this incident

Asmo:

Is that one lucky demon that happens to get patched through quickly

He was having problems with his devilgram account verification

Just as he started speaking about his issue the agent freaked out

Turns out they were a huge fan and could automatically tell it was the REAL™️ Asmo speaking

The issue got fixed and Asmo stayed talking with the agent because they sounded really cute

One thing led to another and...it went from a customer service hotline to a phone sex one real quick

This always happens when he calls customer service akskjfksls

Beel:

Collected all the snacks he had

Even cooked an entire feast

He needed everything he could get before making the dreaded call

After an hour of waiting (and barely any snacks left) he finally got to an agent!

It was a pleasant experience for both sides

Beel is getting sent replacements for his shoes plus a discount voucher for his next purchase

güd boi™️ as usual

Belphie:

Almost fell asleep while waiting

The music soothed him, they had classical music playing

He's not really sure how long he waited if he's being honest

When he finally got to the agent he sounded so weak the agent was concerned

"Mm? No I'm always like ...losing... consciousness ...it's normal...zzz..."

The agent was still so concerned they sent someone to the HOL to check on him

Beel ended up making the call for him

⬦You might also like: Coconut︱Devil-Mart⭐︱Waffle House

[downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles]

We Met Within This Screen (chapt. 3 PART 1)

[Donnie x reader]

sfw, part 2 here

"Leo?" 

Donnie froze. Leo stood firm where he was. The atmosphere of the lab fell still and Donnie got up from his chair, slipping his phone into his pocket. 

"I was getting ready," Donnie almost stammered out, though he managed to get through it barely. "Just…" 

He couldn't think of anything to say. No excuses; he knew he was caught. Why would he have been smiling, chuckling at his phone? Why would he have been that distracted as to not detect his brother? There was no explanation to give. He was far less acute than their leader in his senses—less intuitive—to have been able to know that. He berated himself as Leo folded his arms and gave him a look of knowing. Always with that look. You knew you were busted when Leo deployed that one. 

"You can either tell me what's going on now or you can do it out there, where everyone can hear," said Leo sternly, body partially blocking the exit anyway. 

Donnie scratched on the same spot on the back of his neck that he'd always picked at when he felt uncomfortable. "I can explain," he finally said in a low tone. "Just let me. And please don't alert everyone else immediately. Promise?" 

Pausing, Leo contemplated on his response, coming to the decision that he'd at least give him that. He nodded and motioned for him to start, "Go ahead."

"I, um…" 

Donnie's heart rate picked up a bit as he began to feel a wash of embarrassment seep in. He'd never been very open to his brothers about how he sometimes wanted connection with the outside world. He hadn't thought much about love or romance given their situation, either, but it did crop up from time to time—he still never mentioned it. 

Releasing a deep breath, he explained, "I met someone. Over a game. She wanted to text, and I figured that, since the possibility of—" 

Leo halted him. "Time out, what? You met someone on a game, they wanted to text, and you just...agreed?" he asked, surprised himself by Donnie's actions. Before he would hear his brother's response, he continued, cutting him off once again, "Did you forget that there's a reason why we don't just go around talking to whoever?"

Donnie felt a spark of anger and he stood up straighter, stepping forward toward Leo. He hated nothing more than being implied he was stupid or naive. But he still kept his distance, and still tried to keep his voice low so that prying ears couldn't hear. 

"Trust me, Leo! I've been talking to her for a few weeks. We only started officially texting recently. You know I've fixed up our phones so they aren't traceable; what is the issue? Am I not allowed to have my own life?" 

Leo scoffed lightly, shaking his head. "Don, come on, dude," he reasoned, "can you even be sure that's a girl?" 

Donnie's lip twitched in annoyance and he scoffed, himself. Of course he was sure! If he'd ever had any inkling he was being baited by an older man, he never would have played with them, or even agreed to text. But Leo didn't seem to listen to anyone's intuition but his own and Splinter's, and so he wouldn't hear out that argument. Donnie suddenly wished she'd sent a picture of herself so he could prove to his brother that he was not, in fact, that empty-headed. 

"Also, you do have your own life, it's with us. Which means I have to look out for both you and the rest of the family. I mean it when I say this is risky. Don't be a fool, Donnie. Plus, what were you planning on doing when she eventually wants to know more about you? Lie your way through it? Even if she is who you say she is, it still doesn't change the fact that she's a human girl and you're a mutant. And you can't keep up the charade forever." 

Donnie's heart panged at his last words. He wanted so badly to say that he was wrong, but really, he knew that Leo was painfully correct. He couldn't keep up the act forever. Not unless he wanted a friendship built upon lies and deceit by omission. As much as he hated to admit it, Leo was right; it was foolish to have thought it would somehow work out. 

Silence befell them, and even though he spoke the truth, Leo felt bad upon seeing his face fall like that. He reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "I know it gets lonely. We all do. But you have to face it, Don. That up there? It isn't for us," he told him gently, trying hard to lift the tension from the room. "Let's just stick to what we know best, okay?" 

The shadows. 

Eyes averted at the ground, Donnie swept the hand on his shoulder off. He walked right past his brother and grabbed some gear on his way out. "Yeah. Let's go." His reply was quiet and curt, steady as he could make it. Though on the inside, he was frustrated. Frustrated that he'd dug himself into a hole that he'd now have to not only dig himself out of, but let down someone else while he was at it. He'd have to let her go. Less angry was he with himself as he was his situation, and Leo knew that feeling well. He wanted to protect his brother—he just hoped Donnie would see that. 

Out on patrol, they went about their routine as usual, but everyone noticed the mood-shift. Raph and Mikey were excitable as ever, but the other two were more reserved that night, not talking much to each other. 

They leaped from one rooftop to another where they decided to stop for a quick rest, Mikey racing ahead of all of them as he vaulted from the roof and onto the next. "You guys are slow!" he called from the other side. He grinned and jumped up onto the scaffold of a water tower while Raph  barrelled across the gap with a roll on impact, Leo choosing to take a flip. Donnie trailed behind and simply jumped the ledge. 

"Yo, what's up, D?" Mikey asked through heavy breaths, picking up on his standoffishness. "You been quiet all night!"

"And you're slow as hell," Raph commented. While not as perceptive as Mikey, he had noticed the odd tension and was beginning to get suspicious as well. He knew someone wasn't saying something; he just didn't know what. 

Leo and Donnie exchanged looks. He silently hoped that Leo would take the hint, but when Leo sighed and glanced back at the other two, he knew it was hopeless. He'd get chastised at for being ignorant all over again. At least by Raph, he judged. Mikey couldn't really talk because he'd been in a similar boat before, and now, he knew how he'd felt all those times they got onto Mikey for trying to make contact with humans. 

"Well?" demanded Raph, crossing his arms over his broad chest. "You gonna tell us or what?" His eyes were on Leo rather than Donnie, because he already had an idea that they both knew something that he and Mikey didn't, but everyone turned to Leo when something like this came up.

Leo chewed on his lower lip for a second, conflicted as to whether he would come out with it or save Donnie's pride. They were brothers, family—he couldn't feel truthful keeping them in the dark. But he also recognized that it wasn't his place to say it. He instead turned to Donnie himself, looking for any sign of what they were gonna do. It was up to him, he concluded; if he wanted to stay quiet about it, he could. 

Mikey was confused. Raph was growing more impatient. Donnie felt pressured to blurt it out. And he did. 

Breaking, Donnie strung out, "I met someone online and we started talking and Leo found out and I didn't want you guys to know because it was stupid and...and...oh, just let me finish this now!"

Leo awkwardly stood back in silence while Raph looked at Mikey, then back at Donnie and him, and soon enough everyone was just staring at one another, all waiting for someone to say something, but no one did. Done, Donnie took his phone out and opened up the messages shared between him and her, holding it out for his brothers to see. 

Without warning Raph snatched the phone from his hand and started scrolling, Mikey peering around his shoulder and trying to push him out of the way to see. 

"You actually talked to a girl," Mikey awed. He was excited at first, but it faded when he thought about the fact that Donnie had kept a secret from them. They didn't keep secrets. 

"Yeah, one named [y/n], who lives in New York City," Raph emphasized, "and works at wherever this is…and...how did you even meet this girl, Don? Is that even a girl?" he questioned Donnie accusingly, waving the phone around as he spoke. He almost dropped it and Donnie quickly took it from him, telling him to be careful as he slipped it back into the strap on his bicep. 

Leo kept vigilant watch around them while the conversation played out, being the only one truly paying attention. His eye caught some erratic movement in a tucked-away alley down below them. 

"For the last time, yes! She is a girl! And I met her on a game," Donnie answered, throwing his hands down. 

"Save it for later, guys, we got company," Leo interjected. He pointed down at the alleyway adjacent to the building they were on and motioned for them to get moving, dropping down onto the fire escape of an apartment complex. 

Raph bumped Donnie in the arm purposefully as they approached the edge of the roof, "We ain't done yet," he said, dropping onto the fire escape. 

"Yeah, not done yet," Mikey added whimsically. 

Groaning under his breath, Donnie whipped out his staff, and leaped down. 

Mikey followed behind him, jumping the ledge and launching himself to the opposite balcony. They came upon the scene of a couple of men each carrying a sack out of a backdoor in a building, what was assumed to be the ringleader overseeing it from a car parked next to them. 

They turtles were silent, perfectly hidden and moved within the black of night as they descended. Raph pulled out his sai and was about to drop down on one of the unsuspecting men when Leo shoved him back. "Hold on," Leo told him. Begrudgingly, Raph stood down. Donnie peered around the corner from ground level while Mikey clinged to a wall in the shadows. Above, Leo and Raph took the high ground, watching them from a balcony nearby. 

"Hurry up and get this shit loaded into the car, I don't wanna get caught back here," a rough voice ordered from the vehicle. Donnie spotted another person in the passenger's seat. 

"We're goin' as fast as we can!" one of the men spat back. All were beefed up, tattooed, and based on the scars, no strangers to a fight. 

Raph looked at Leo with a smirk. Leo gave the signal and everyone closed in, red and blue dropping from the balcony onto the two completely unaware men, while Donnie and Mikey went to take care of those in the car. 

"What the fuck?!" a man shouted, stumbling back as the duo dropped heavily in front of them. He tossed the sack away and Raph saw he was going to pull out a gun, which Raph went for immediately with his sai. He charged into the man before he could even try to aim and stuck the arm holding the pistol with his three-pronged weapon, forcing his wrist down and the gun to fall out of his hand. Leo took the other and barely had to use any force in pinning the man against the wall with his blade and forearm, but had to duck out of the way when Mikey came through swinging his nunchucks at one of the men who had tried to flee the scene. 

"Watch where you're going with those things, Mikey!" Leo yelled, grunting as a crowbar collided with the side of his head. He spun around and threw his fist at whoever was behind him, an incapacitating blow to a human, but barely his full strength. 

Mikey easily caught his target and gave his legs a mighty sweep to sent him tumbling down. "You thought!" he bellowed with a laugh. "Can't outrun M.C. Mikey." 

Donnie caught the driver on the far end of the fight scurrying to pick up the sacks before making his getaway, and quickly he forcefully jabbed his staff into the solar plexus of the man, sending him onto his back. He was winded, coughing and struggling for air. 

"Donatello! You good over there?" Raph called out, delivering one final kick to the stomach of the man he was on. Donnie heard the skid of a shoe on the pavement behind him and didn't even have to look as he whirled around with a swing of his staff, hitting the man in the head with near-devastating force. It was a knockout blow—the guy dropped, and the fight was over as quickly as it had started. 

Donnie looked around and collapsed his staff, "All good," he answered curtly. 

All five of the men lay on the ground, a couple flat-out unconscious while the rest hissed and groaned in pain. While Donnie inspected the sacks strewn around, Raph chuffed and kicked the gun that had fallen away from the hand that was slowly reaching for it, looking down at the pathetic criminal as he instead stepped on his wrist. The burly man let out a whimper, like a baby, and Raph chuckled. 

"Just money," Donnie announced. All of them heard the sirens of police cars approaching. "Let's get out of here, guys." 

"Those morons weren't even a warm-up," Raph gloated, fist-bumping Mikey. Leo and Donnie were already scaling up to the roof. "Guess if I want to be bored outta my mind, I'll find these guys again." 

"Oh, we'll find 'em again," Mikey added, pulling himself up onto the fire escape. He glanced back and saw the red and blue flashing lights starting to round the corner. "But, uh, not before the cops do." 

The four made their way back up to the roof and left the area. They still had some time left on patrol, so for a minute, they lingered around, Raph keen to reignite their earlier conversation. Donnie already saw it coming and mentally prepared to answer all of the questions that were about to be thrown his way—which he was correct about, as Raph proceeded to open with, "So, what, you're keepin' secrets from us now? Anything else ya been doing behind all our backs?" 

"Cut it, Raph," Leo said, stepping between him and Donnie, "you know that's not it. Don?"

"We're your pals, man, you should have told us," frowned Mikey. 

"I just didn't want anyone to freak out," Donnie explained, "and I didn't know I was going to meet anyone I liked that much, I was only planning on playing the—" 

Both Raph and Mikey asked in unison, "'Like'?" 

He scrambled to fix his wording. He cursed his nervous chatter; he couldn't help himself, he was uncomfortable. Maybe even anxious, because he knew he was going to have to face reality and break it off with his new friend.

"No, not—not 'like'. Like, not like that. I mean in general, as a person," he stuttered, floundering with himself. 

Mikey knew he was lying. He knew it well. Though gullible at times, when it came to the heart, Mikey truly was the most in-tune out of the four. As for the other two, he couldn't say as to whether they saw the lie here, because sometimes, Donnie stuttered just because he was excited or frazzled. Other times, it was definitely because he was lying. The entire time he felt a little bad for his brother. He imagined himself in his shoes and it made him sad, thinking about having to let go of a friend right after having them in his life. 

Putting a hand on his shell, Mikey shook him a bit, "You like her, bro," he whispered. 

Donnie lightly pushed him away. "She's a friend," he clarified, eyeing Mikey. 

Raph was silent for a moment while he thought about everything. He wasn't mad about the fact that Donnie has found someone as much as he was that he never said anything, kept a secret from his brothers. The four of them had a rule that went without saying; they didn't keep secrets from one another. Not about anything major, at least—which this was. He didn't even contemplate on what he thought Donnie should do about it, just that he'd hidden something significant from all of them.  

"Still doesn't change the fact that you didn't seem like you were plannin' on coming clean with any of us," Raph huffed. "Not if he didn't catch ya." He pointed at Leo. 

Donnie suddenly felt his temper flare, and he bit back, "What about you, Raphael? You constantly hide your feelings! How is it not the same thing?" 

"Except for his anger, he's pretty upfront about that," Mikey quickly added in before sinking away from the two. Leo sighed and flicked his head. Donnie was right. Raph was a hypocrite and they were getting nowhere. 

"My feelings don't endanger people around me," growled Raph, stepping in toward Donnie. They met each other half-way as Donnie wasn't about to back down from his brother, who he was not scared of. "That is absolutely different from what you're doing!"

"Guys, we need to get going," Leo stated, seeing how the moon was far its descent. "Splinter's clear about when he wants us back." 

"I'm finishing this right now," Donnie said, pulling out his phone. He opened up the messages and began typing.

Hey. Sorry for the sudden message and I apologise, but I can't do this anymore

He hadn't noticed yet, but the last text he'd received was only twenty minutes prior, right before they dipped from the crime scene they'd just handled. It read: 

Damn, I hear all this racket outside my apartment and it's kind of making me nervous

Like guys yelling and stuff getting banged

Nvm someone called the cops, I guess it's good now 

Everyone was gathered around Donnie watching the screen as he typed. Raph and Leo both caught that last message. He pressed send and it was only then he saw it, too, and everyone slowly looked at each other in recognition. Everyone was thinking the same thing. 

"Awkward," Mikey drew out. 

All were at a loss for words. When a new message pinged, they all shoved at each other to get a good look. Raph accidentally stepped on someone's foot. "Ouch! Give me some space, guys," Donnie snapped. 

What? 

What's wrong? 

Donnie looked sadly at the screen. He started typing his response, something skin to "it's complicated" followed by an apology, but Mikey stopped him. "Dude, you can't tell her that, it's gonna hurt her feelings!" Mikey exclaimed, "this is totally unfair! To both of you."

"Look, I ain't tryna be petty, but last time I checked, the rest of us aren't allowed to have human friends," grumbled Raph.

A new message popped up and it read:

Well...I won't question your decision. Bye Bo, I guess

Sighing, Donnie turned off his phone and put it away. He turned to everyone. "Happy?"

"Of course not, bro," Mikey responded. He looked around, as if expecting agreement. There was none; Raph stood away and Leo was watching Donnie's face go from annoyed to dejected. "Guys?"

Leo patted Donnie on the shoulder. "You did the right thing," he said. Donnie didn't say anything. "Alright, let's get going."

Chapter 3, part 2

[thotsforvillainrights]

~Perfect Birthday~

Au: Kaishi

Part: twelve

Theme: Fluff? Comedy? Who knows lol

(These 2 are going on an adventure)

"Buttercream? No that wont do. Vanilla with a touch of banana or Strawberry? Shoot! What about...hmmm...." You focused on the ingredients so hard that you were developing a light headache. Meanwhile, your husband sat across from you at the kitchen table, scrolling through his laptop for themes and present ideas. "Y/N, just settle on chocolate and call it a day." Kai announced while his eyes hovered on a Circus theme. He shuddered lightly at the thought of animals being involved. 'Absolutely not' he thought to himself. You sighed and put the ingredients list down. "I cant settle on Chocolate. I'm worried that someone might have an allergy to it. I'm also so worried about the vegan adults that might be here. What about the picky eaters too? Kai, I feel like I'm going insane right now." You gripped the sides of the chair you sat on. He peeked up at you and notices your incoming distress. He sighed and stood up to move behind you. He softly gripped each of your shoulders and began to give you an impromptu massage. "Stop worrying so much about it so much, Angel. Just do chocolate cake since its the brat's favorite flavor. We can go with a vegan cupcake option that should be safe for the people with chocolate allergies as well. As for the others, there will be other food and even beverage options. You're working so hard for people I dont even care about. This is all for my son and no one else but him. His happiness is my only concern."

You sighed and reached up to place a hand on your husband before turning to smile sweetly at him. "Kai, you're being sweet today." You teased him and he scoffed. "Anyway, I know you only want to focus on Kaishi but having other kids here for the first time, other than Ishida, is like his dream come true. It took me a lot of time to get on the parents good sides. It took a lot of time for them to want to bring other kids around Kaishi because if the yakuza affiliations. Had it not been for the fact that you've began working into charity for the city, I dont think anyone would've given us a chance. Bow we have parent friends, and now Kaishi has a chance for an amazing birthday this year. Let's not mess this up, okay? That means NO EXCESSIVE GERMAPHOBIA, and NO ANTISOCIAL BEHAVIOR okay?" You drilled it home at the end. He sighed in annoyance. "Ugh fine. I'll try to conversate with the other scum as if they never insulted the yakuza before. You had better be lucky I appreciate you and Kaishi at this point or this wouldn't be happening." Kai complained before pulling his medical mask down and kissing you lightly on your lips. "You two are being icky again. I'm going to tell Grandpa on you guys." Kaishi's voice brought you two back to reality. "Oh hush, and mind your business." Kai said as he ruffled his son's short hair playfully. Kaishi giggled and swatted the gloved hand away. He took a seat at the kitchen table next to Kai's laptop and peeked over to see what was on the screen. While you went to fix him some oatmeal, his father bolted to the seat and slapped the laptop closed. "No peeking. Havent you any manners?" Kai fussed lightly while Kaishi smiled. "Its okay daddy, I already know you two are planning my birthday for tomorrow." The boy said proudly. "That may be so, but it doesnt mean we cant at least surprise you with the decorations and food." Kai explained. You placed breakfast in front of Kaishi and sat down with your boys. Pops had just entered the kitchen at this point. "Family breakfast? Dont mind if I do." He smiled and took a seat next to you. "Grandpa, what will you give me for my birthday?" Kaishi asked excitedly. Kai flicked his cheek. "Dont be rude brat, respect your elders." He scolded him as Pops laughed. "Oh calm down, Chisaki my boy. My grandson is very calm at this age compared to how you used to act." Pops said with a smirk as you laughed and Kai blushed lightly with embarrassment. "Anyway, my Grandchild your gift will have to remain a surprise until tomorrow." Pops winked and Kaishi groaned. "Aw man. Well, mom/dad? What will you get me?" He turned to look at you in anticipation. You put a finger to your chin to think for a second. Then you snapped and made an 'Ah-Ha' expression. "I'm going to get you a fancy suit! Maybe I'll get some toys too. Just maybe, you'll have to wait and see." You teased him and he smiled. "Daddy, what about you?" He looked at Kai for an answer. "Just like Pops said, it will be a surprise. However, I'll take the time now to ask you what you want as a gift from all of us. It'll serve separately from the gifts we'll get you so dont worry." Kai watched his son expectantly as Kaishi searched his little mind. Seconds later he piped up excitedly:

"SMOOGLY!!!" He shouted happily and raised his arms dramatically in the air. You and Pops laughed while Kai tilted his head in confusion. "Smoo-what? Are you well? Are you speaking in tongues???" Kaishi giggled at his father's confusion. You turned towards Kai to explain. "Kai, Smoogly is a character from Kaishi's favorite show. He's this giant lollipop that dances and sings. Yknow, kids love that stuff." Kai stared at you for a second before nodding. Then he turned his attention back to Kaishi eating breakfast finally. "Alright then, you want Smoogly then that's what you'll get." After breakfast, Kaishi went to call Ishida on the phone. You monitored in awe, gushing as your baby talked to his little crush over the phone. The two were fast friends, and she was the first/only child in the class to accept and support Kaishi to the fullest degree. Meanwhile, Pops went to the backyard to water the flowers and feed the Koi in the pond. Kai headed out to the car to call Kurono/pick him up. "Chrono, I know I've given you the off day but I need a favor." Kai spoke on the car wireless phone while he drove. "Yeah man, what's up?" Hari answered from the other side. He was currently face deep in a 3rd bag of chips as he reclined on his sofa. "The brat's birthday is tomorrow and it's his first big one with other parents and children expected to be there. He wants some actor there to perform or something. Some thing called Smogie or Smothly or something like that."

"OHHHHH!!!! You're talking about Smoogly!" Hari shouted excitedly, his voice boomed over the car speakers. "Yeah whatever that mess is. Anyway, help me track him down and I'll give you tomorrow off to repay you from today. You can also have some leftover cake." Kai offered him. "Bet!" Kurono answered shortly before hanging up and getting ready. In moments Kai was at his door to retrieve him. The two men drove around for a bit while Kurono did some searching online. Lucky for him, it wasn't that hard to find Smoogly's booking information. "Found it, Kai. It says here that we can email and make a down payment, or call the home offices for a response in about...14 days." Kai almost slammed on the breaks. "14 days??? No that's not possible for a booking that could be denied. My Kaishi's birthday is tomorrow. We need to get this Smoogly there as soon as possible." He felt a bit of panic set in. Kai would never forgive himself if he couldn't get his son's biggest wish for his birthday. "Hey man chill. We'll just go to his office and speak to him directly. I mean, we've got a little pull when it comes to money. Also, we're yakuza so..."

"I know what you're thinking Chrono, and the answer is no. We cant push too many buttons or we'll end up leaving the gray area in which we operate in. I cant afford to get arrested on Kaishi's birthday." Hari rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Whatever man. Just take a left onto the main freeway and we should reach the exit in like 30 minutes. After that, we just follow the main road for 4 more minutes, take a right at the stop light, and turn off the Broadway drive. Smoogly's office should be right between a steak restaurant and a car dealership." Hari explained the directions. Kai nodded and the two were on their way. Once they made it to the offices, they took a number and sat in the waiting room. The wait wasnt uncomfortable to Kai...it was the old man across from them that kept coughing that made him uncomfortable. He felt hives pop up on his arms. Luckily the two were called before he went insane! Only minutes later they were standing before a chubby man smoking a cigarette behind a desk. He had dark hair, and was balding right in the middle of his head. His skin was just a step away from being super pale (no doubt because he had the costume on a lot) His noticable feature was the large mole on his cheek. He was clearly a foreigner from some city somewhere, thanks to his accent.

(!!!Reader, think about Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force!!!)

"Alright, what can I do for you two men? Wait a minute, you two are the tax guys right?"

"Uhhh, no. No we're here to inquire about an opening to hire you? The pay will of course be-"

"Yeah yeah yeah. Pay doubled blah blah. I've heard this a million times before. I get bastards like you that come in here every single day asking to pay extra just so I can come to your event. The moms are even worse since they also think they're entitled to my services." The chubby man interrupted Kai. "Please. It's my son's birthday. You see, this birthday is special because he's never had-"

"Pshhh...yeah buster, you're kid is special. Just like everyone else that's come in here before you to say the same thing. Bottom line is that I ain't doing it. If you want my services than file through email or take it up with the front desk. Deposits non-refundable if you get denied. Have a nice day." He put out the cigarette and picked up a rather inappropriate nude magazine. Kai looked at Chrono and sighed as if to say Hari can take over. Hari smiled darkly and went to approach the desk. The chubby man hadn't looked up from the magazine as he spoke. "Look man, I said piss off. What, you didnt get the picture the first time or-" he immediately froze and turned his attention to Hari when he heard the click of the gun. When he turned, he was staring down the glock.

Hari spoke up darkly. "Hey buddy, I'm a changed man but that doesn't mean shit is sweet. I've killed a dozen people before and I'm not afraid to go to prison. Either you do my nephews birthday party tomorrow, or we wear your face on a memorial T-Shirt. Fuck is it gonna be? Eh???" The man gulped and shakily reached his finger out to the voice machine on his desk. "Deborah cancel all my appointments tomorrow, I've got a birthday to go do." Hari and Kai smiled when they heard the voice reply 'Right away, sir.' They bid the man goodbye and left the office. The next day, Kaishi rushed to the backyard after taking a quick shower and getting ready. It was decorated beautifully with bounce houses, a splash area, party games, an extensive food/present table, swings, slides, etc. Most importantly, the parents actually showed up with their kids. Kaishi almost cried tears of happiness when he finally had friends to play with. Meanwhile, you and Pops chatted with the other parents until Smoogly arrived to perform. The kids absolutely loved every bit! Every once in a while, the Lollipop turned to look at Kurono standing in the corner, smirking menacingly and daring him to slip up just once. Smoogly quickly turned around and kept performing. At the end of his shift, he was paid extra just as Kai promised, and Kaishi got to take a picture with him. Finally it came time for presents. Kaishi was happy to receive so many gifts, but he was more eager to get his gifts from you, Kai, and Pops (even Hari got him a secret gift at the last minute). Kaishi smiled at the wooden box Pops had given him. When he opened it, it revealed a small pin on a soft cushion. It was shiny and brand new. It was the symbol of the Hassaikai, the infamous flower design. "My grandson, when your father was younger I had given him this very same gift. Please be sure to take good care of it." He gently placed a hand on Kaishi's head. The boy nodded excitedly and passed the box for you to hold while he opened up the remaining gifts. It was a surprise jacket from you to him. It was just a smaller version of Kai's jacket! Plus that suit you promised, and a few other Smoogly themed toys as well. From Hari, he recieved a new helmet for his new bike. Finally from Kai he received a matching mask. With the suit and the jacket, he was the matching embodiment of his very on father (aside from inheriting some of your skin tone depending on your color, my dear reader).

This was truly the perfect birthday.

»—————————–———————————————————–✄

TIp Jar: https://cash.app/$YuTakeyama

[emptyheartfoolbrain]

Nintendo decided to drop a great big direct for Mario's 35th, and while it is nice to see some of this. I am not nearly as excited as I hoped to be.

of course, I'm 32 and games are a lot harder to get excited about. Add to that the fact that I'm going through some righteous life collapsing issues right now, and maybe that is way I'm left feeling a bit disappointed. But...

A Super Mario Bros. BATTLE ROYALE game is not what I was wishing for or expecting. It is a cool idea, and i can see how it is a great sell for kids who ain't played it, but also like the competition aspects of Tetris 99.

I ain't into this game. Never really have been. It is the least of the NES Mario games, and there is nothing about making it a giant online VS. game that is at all intriguing. Maybe if it was all 3 of the original NES games then I'd be a bit more here for it, but as of now this is a big fat No Sell for me, Y'all.

Again! Again with Super Mario Bros.

I realize that this first game is sort of what we are celebrating, but a novelty console just for this game is asking a lot.

I've always wanted an excuse to own a Game & Watch system, but I'd hoped it would come with the Game & Watch games.

Back in the 90s they released a series of re-makes of the original G&W mini-games on the Gameboy, but with upgraded graphics and starring the whole Mario game, and the fact tbag this little bugger doesn't have those great numbers on it is a crime against the public

No thanks, boys.

Now this is something we can pay 60 bucks for. I don't love the 3D platformers as much as I love Super Mario World, but I also never beat any of them, and have been itching to play Galaxy again ever since i sold my Wii for LSD.

Would've been nice to have access to Galaxy 2 as well, but we will take what we can get.

Never played the 3D world games, and might need to get into it.

Besides this one has Bowser's Furry attached

And we all gotta give it up for King Koopa coming out publicly with his Fursona

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: Oi Jimmy: we forgot another one off the 💀💀💀 list Jimmy: you gonna stick or twist? Janis: 👊 me if you give a shit Janis: need all the ways at my disposal Jimmy: here you are then, hot glue gun Janis: 🤔 Janis: sounds like a bit of 💀👑 & 💀#2 if you take it to your 🗢 and slowly starve Janis: still leaning towards 🔪 personally Jimmy: Alright, I'll invite them over Jimmy: keep your jealousy in check, my dear Janis: Jealous of you or them? Jimmy: ain't goals either way Janis: Neither is you taking up crafting, tbh so Janis: why have you got a hot glue gun? Jimmy: these cotton wool balls won't stick themselves to a 👕 Jimmy: gotta get 'em on before 💀👑 and 💀#2 think I've put snacks on Janis: 🤢 Janis: new 😎 look? Janis: 👎 Jimmy: piss off, this 🥉💡's nowt to do with me Janis: Who's is it? Janis: they ain't wasting snacks Jimmy: dunno, some other dickhead online whose kid don't wanna be a 🐑 an' all Janis: Ohh Janis: one of the more creative nativity outfits too, unlucky Janis: no tinfoil 👑s or dubious tea towels Jimmy: still looks shit enough to make our kid 😭 Janis: and you ain't got enough days to ship a probably shittier version from China Janis: alright, hold on Jimmy: I get that you live in the middle of nowt but nicking a 🐑 for #inspo ain't gonna help Janis: yeah, way to ruin my fun Janis: but my ma has had enough kids to have some ideas so you owe me for how 🥱 but informative this will be Jimmy: be a right laugh for you, be another pet I didn't ask for and have to piss about with Janis: or sunday lunch Janis: pessimist Jimmy: he's 😭 already, dickhead Janis: and I thought you northerners were meant to be hard Janis: grim and that Jimmy: @iantaylor8 Janis: Anyway, you want me to surprise you with the 🥇💡 or do you just want the lowdown on where to go Jimmy: depends Janis: on? Jimmy: if I can unstick myself or need your 💪🏆 Janis: 😏 Janis: how about I get on the bus to town now Janis: and if you manage to deal with your sticky fingers before I get there, then you can go? Jimmy: how's your ankle? Janis: not even on the scale now Jimmy: might be after you've put your foot down 🚍💣 Janis: Keanu could untangle you in 90 minutes, I reckon Janis: easy Jimmy: he ain't been pissing about 🐕🏃 Jimmy: how many you done? Janis: loads Janis: 💸 'cos the gifts don't buy 'em selves and the 🐕 owners are too busy sticking cotton balls to t-shirts, clearly 🎄✨ Jimmy: nice one, Janet Jimmy: now I'LL have to keep my jealousy in check while you put your 🦶 up on some other 🚍 riding knobhead Janis: only fair Janis: especially as you've reminded me how rammed that fucking bus is gonna be now Jimmy: I'll give one of my 👮 mates a bell to get you a 🚔 escort, hang on Janis: 😍 the perks Janis: there had to be some Jimmy: 🤡 perks off you Jimmy: won't be no struggle getting yourself on that 🚍 however full it is Janis: I'm pretty flexible Janis: contortionist might be a bold claim but 💪🏆 Jimmy: but it ain't a proper flex til I say it Jimmy: 💔 for you Janis: that's a fake flex Janis: don't need you for nothing Jimmy: after what happened on the assault course it'd sound like a real pisstake Janis: 1. that's agility if it's anything 2. also your fault Jimmy: never said it weren't, just how it'd sound Janis: No need to tell me what it 🔊 like Janis: the DMs are on the up again, yeah? Janis: same Jimmy: tis the season Janis: cutting it a bit fine to get a decent gift out of it Janis: but I suppose the couply selfies you can take are a close 🥈 for them Jimmy: can't keep the receipt on chlamydia but you can blag you went somewhere nice for the hols Janis: girls are actually demented Janis: at least no lad is gonna try and put me in matching knitwear and make me meet his nan Jimmy: 🥇💡 idea though I'll get you a #goals gift that ain't a trip to the cemetery Janis: oh yeah Janis: I'll get you something as well, even though I'm not required to try as hard Jimmy: stick a 🎀 on yourself and have done Jimmy: what the rest of the lasses do Janis: yeah literally Janis: as long as I heavily imply I'm gonna suck your dick, all is well, all is #goals Jimmy: 👍 Janis: but if you don't do good that # is gonna be a read Jimmy: challenge accepted Janis: even if you get out the glue after me Janis: you can come to the shops too Jimmy: I thought you were gonna say even if you give me the glue gun #regifted Janis: I mean Janis: not quite handcuffs Jimmy: fuck's sake babe, let me leave my work at work Janis: fine Janis: the 🚔 escort will as you won't Jimmy: you and your stolen 🐑 Jimmy: dead romantic, that Janis: I'm not from the middle of nowhere, tah Janis: 🐑shagging isn't a hobby Jimmy: back to the drawing board for our fake break up Janis: all the shite songs they pump out have plenty of inspo in 'em Jimmy: nowt I don't know about 🎄🎵 been forced to hear 'em since November Janis: 💔 gutted Jimmy: no chance of 🎻 Janis: how have you not fully lost it yet Janis: only a few days to go Jimmy: how'd you know I've not? Janis: I'd have heard of a mass shooting Janis: not that out of it Janis: also my sister wouldn't be about no more which would be a bigger giveaway Jimmy: 👻 letdowns Jimmy: worst I can do is rattle a few cups Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: I'm used to it Janis: the friendmas organisation is in full swing Janis: 🤡🔫 Jimmy: where's my invite? Janis: OMG, no boys allowed! 🚫 Janis: though bets on Mia breaking her own rule there just to torture Grace Jimmy: I'll 👗👠💄 and be a prettier lass than any of them Janis: 😍 what kind of fake gf would disagree Janis: aside from the fact that ain't a stretch on a good day Jimmy: tah Jimmy: when is it? Janis: [some day as close to xmas as you are allowed 'cos pretending we're such good mates like okay] Jimmy: alright Jimmy: 🖋🩸 Janis: like, no offence or anything, babes Janis: but I don't see you passing REALLY 😬 Janis: and even they might notice they've picked up another desperado Jimmy: 1. piss off would I not 2. call it my 🎁 seeing the look on 💀👑 when I bring her 🎄 cake Janis: it would be decent craic Janis: they never do it at ours though Jimmy: typical, that, can't get sodding rid the rest of the year Jimmy: have to get us an 💌 then, won't I Jimmy: hang on Janis: I get it Janis: you miss Asia Janis: don't think 💀👑 has 'em do team-building exercises 💔💔💔 Jimmy: yeah, cupid's arrow's got nowt on falling on your arse when the ground's near froze Jimmy: reminded me of home 😍😍😍 Janis: she's well considerate like that Janis: not so braindead after-all Jimmy: 🤞 Jimmy: don't wanna give 💀👑 the 🎁 of seeing I've had to flirt with her to crash their bollocks festivities Janis: can't play into her hands that hard Janis: keep your 😍😍😍 focused in the right direction Jimmy: 🚍 Janis: yes, this is your driver speaking Jimmy: be a 🚑 if your mum ain't cracked on to a way I can chuck this glue gun Janis: I've sorted it Janis: well my sister's shit taste in fashion helped Jimmy: usually get 💰 for 3rd degree burns, me Jimmy: how's that for a flex? Janis: You made a rod for your own back being the artsy one or what? Jimmy: weren't gonna let a 6 year old have a go, were I? Janis: and it's not Ian's thing Jimmy: dunno where he is Jimmy: might be work, might be the pub Jimmy: be a better shout to give it over to my sister, anger issues an' all, any road Janis: you can put it down and get yourself a drink now Janis: all I need you to have is a black marker, which I know you do Jimmy: #whenshereallygetsyou Jimmy: 🥃 cheers Janis: you know those sherpa jackets they all have Janis: makes them look like a giant 🧸 but not in the adorbs way they're hoping Janis: Penneys has loads of them, get a paper plate, glue it on the hood and colour it in black, cut another in half for the ears and ta-da Janis: and I'll just take the jacket so no need to pay me back Janis: only in favours, obviously Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: IOU enough 🚬 to send that cheap shite up in flames, I get it Janis: yeah, probably don't string some fairylights round his neck as well Janis: would've taken hers but it's almost pink and I reckoned that'd just make him 😭 more Jimmy: you'd have to nick them an' all for him to be in any danger Jimmy: and what kind of fake boyfriend would let you up on the neighbour's roof with that ankle Janis: you want some lights? Janis: it's the easiest shop to borrow from Janis: they must have some that aren't shaped like the 🍆 emoji or a fucking unicorn Jimmy: 💔 I ain't coming with, you've really sold it to me Janis: oh, duh Janis: you call it primark Janis: it's hell on earth, you'd love it Janis: when they ain't guzzling your over-priced coffee, they're getting fast fashion made by little slave kids 💖 so cute Jimmy: hang on, why the fuck do you call it something different? Jimmy: now I have to come, not gonna knit an ugly jumper myself and nan's 💀💀💀 Janis: adds to our delightful charm? I don't know Janis: imagine the atrocities Janis: I'm gonna find the best, by which I mean WORST, one Jimmy: I'll meet you there Jimmy: be enough dickheads to follow if I get lost Janis: follow the knock-off UGGs they've trashed in the rain and snow Jimmy: hot Jimmy: don't get enough wet 🐕 smell off of you as is or owt Janis: err fuck off Janis: I haven't even got a dog, you have Jimmy: I have nowt to do with it, you can't move for 🐕🐾💩 Janis: 1. I don't fucking smell, dickhead 2. you're well opposed to me showering so you'd have yourself to blame if I did Jimmy: I'll nick you a 🦽 and you can do what you like Jimmy: many cold 🚿 as you need, mate Janis: you just want me to freeze now Janis: and your ⛓ kink hasn't got any less blatant Jimmy: weren't the way you wanna 💀💀💀 Janis: It ain't Janis: so your genius plan better include a way to warm me up Jimmy: might do Janis: the ugly jumper don't count Janis: cheap shit, as mentioned Jimmy: don't remember chucking it in the ring as my 💡 Janis: I don't wanna dress up as a sheep neither 😏 Jimmy: 💔 you'd be a well fit and mysterious one Janis: the racial undertones of ba ba black sheep have already been pointed out Janis: very on the nose Jimmy: I ain't got as far as black facing our kid, what more do you want? Janis: yeah, minorities are WELL demanding like that Jimmy: that'll be why Ian's steering well clear Janis: 💔💔 of course Jimmy: 🎻😭💔 Janis: thank god this is fake dating Janis: don't need a get out situation, tah Jimmy: knew you were protesting too much about the ⛓ Jimmy: you love it, Jules Jimmy: don't even need the stockholm syndrome to kick in Janis: not so much I wanna try it with your dad Janis: that's more 💀👑 gig Jimmy: UGH FINE we won't pass you round Janis: 😂 you're vile Jimmy: 💕 Janis: not as bad as some of the 'people' on this bus though Janis: won't be too hard to pretend to be glad to see you, in case any of the herd as in Penneys Janis: glad to breathe clean air more like but 🤫 Jimmy: 🚭 I get it Jimmy: very subtle Janis: easier to get you to cut down if I just take half Janis: but alright Jimmy: stop having a go at my stamina, dickhead Janis: make me Janis: 🤐 Jimmy: 🏃 after your 🚍 ain't the way to go about it Janis: Impressive but also stalkerish, yeah Jimmy: turning every dickhead there into a fan ain't clearing either of our DMs Janis: I doubt all these 👵👴 have Instas Janis: but the single mums with the screaming kids, definitely Janis: don't wanna ponder the creepy guy at the back Jimmy: but have you double checked it ain't Lucas in a disguise? Jimmy: he'll be missing you SO bad by now Janis: 😱😱 Janis: my hopes? ⬆️ Jimmy: 🎁's have begun, Jasmine Janis: Good Janis: I do expect one every day tbh 💅 Jimmy: alright Janis: that's a joke though Jimmy: don't have to be Jimmy: 🏆🥇 me Janis: only if you're gonna steal 'em all Janis: don't need to waste real money for the fake #goals Jimmy: DUH Janis: then proceed Janis: I can slowly just put them in Grace's room, I'm sure Jimmy: we could use the glue gun to stick 'em to her ceiling Janis: now you're talking 😍 Jimmy: do 💀👑 an' all if that's where their friendmas is but probably need a ladder to reach her ceilings Jimmy: no standing on the bed when you're 💰💰💰 Janis: You love to carry me, I'll get on your shoulders Jimmy: 👍 Janis: I think it's at hers Janis: maybe 💀#2 but none of the others want their houses and lives judged that hard so they opt out Jimmy: we'll be able to get some more blackmail material either way Janis: Did you seriously get an invite? Jimmy: are you actually doubting me or what? Janis: I know Asia's thick as shit but Janis: what did you say? Jimmy: [sends her the messages cos it seriously wouldn't be hard since the flatwhites think everyone wants to be their BFFs even though the opposite is true, so all he'd have to do is be like soz about the school trip we're just SO IN LOVE WE CAN'T HELP OURSELVES] Janis: 🙄🙄 Janis: fairplay but 🤢 🤮 🤧 😷 🤒 🤕 new scale needed Jimmy: go on then Jimmy: where are you? Janis: Do you actually know your way about yet or? Janis: I'm still a bit away, though, if that's what you mean Jimmy: I did mean on your new 🤢 🤮 🤧 😷 🤒 🤕 scale Janis: 🤕 then Janis: clearly Janis: you? Jimmy: 🤮 Jimmy: weren't talking to 💀👑 Jimmy: directly anyway Janis: She'd not have said yes Janis: unless she's got some pig blood just waiting, like Jimmy: she's so #invested in our 💘 she'd say yeah near enough whatever I said Jimmy: probably reckons she can 💔 us before the pudding's served Jimmy: her 🥇💡'll be to have Asia in a sexy santa outfit ready to crack onto me or some bollocks Janis: nah, seriously Janis: wanna talk pimps Janis: one of Asia's only uses Janis: poor bitch Jimmy: I'll take my 🎻 Janis: as long as it don't look like you're 💔 you can't go there, fine by me Jimmy: I get that none of them can read body language but facial expressions are a bit easier Janis: and you are so expressive Janis: 😒😎 Jimmy: for you, baby, the 😎'll be off Jimmy: nowt to do with the 🌧 and 🌨 Janis: 😳😖🤤🥴 Janis: so many expressions 🏆 Jimmy: Oi, I wanted to give you the 🏆 Jimmy: pissed on today's 🎁 Janis: 😮 there's me, still acting surprised Janis: you can't say you're gonna give me something then not Jimmy: SUCH range, you Jimmy: where would I steal a 🏆 from? nah, you'll get something Janis: I take my wins in many forms Janis: you can just tell me Janis: that'll work Jimmy: you can just wait Janis: 🥺 Janis: original scale Jimmy: it'll be worth it Jimmy: famous last words Janis: can poison the dish we have to bring Janis: if you're ready to go 💀💀💀 Jimmy: I don't wanna go with them Jimmy: just you Janis: I can promise it'll be worth it then too Jimmy: alright Janis: am gonna make that meal fucking inedible for them Janis: even if it's coming straight back up in most cases Janis: and fucking with them however else we can  💭 Jimmy: 🤞 Bill's 👻 knows some others, Dickens would be a good shout to keep things on brand 🎄 Jimmy: but whether he do or don't I've had loads of piss poor dinners Jimmy: Ian knows how to pick well #goals girlfriends Janis: think he'd be the 'what's the point in you if you can't cook n clean?' type Janis: being mysterious runs in the family, clearly Jimmy: beggars can't be choosers, mate Jimmy: slim pickings round that office when you've already been done for harassment Janis: 😬 Janis: need to talk to Mia's dad, work out the legality of being a perv with no repercussions Jimmy: how he tells it he's had loads 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: woe's him Janis: woe's the stupid bitches still going there after, more like Janis: have a word, ladies Jimmy: sort your heads out Sharons Jimmy: need a new mum who's got her shit together, tah very much Janis: one who's handy with a hot glue gun Jimmy: or a sewing machine, why the fuck not dream big? Janis: steady on Janis: #mommygoals isn't a hashtag I wanna endorse Jimmy: 😏 Janis: take mine, if you like Jimmy: bit weird Janis: I only 🐕🏃 Janis: cooking, cleaning, hot glueing, not services I provide, soz Jimmy: I'll live Jimmy: more #goals to be fuming about your mother in law Janis: easily done Jimmy: with my mum an' all, soz you'll have to take my word for it Janis: you're unlikely to see mine Janis: unless you have a banging selection of herbal teas Jimmy: gutted she don't wanna see her 🐑💡 brought to life on stage Janis: reckon turning up when you ain't got a kid in it gets you on a register, no? Janis: my dad coulda, sure some of his spawn are performing too but alas Janis: she didn't have that many 🥈 Jimmy: Ian's seat's going spare is all, obvs it were front and centre, dad of the year that he is Janis: what's he got on? Janis: latest disciplinary Janis: is your brother gutted? Jimmy: he'd be gutted if I weren't there Jimmy: what a #humblebrag Janis: good thing you can be arsed then Janis: and you have a sister too, right? Jimmy: dragging her along, kicking and marding 💪🏆 Janis: know the feeling Janis: bribe her with maccies after and tell him it's a treat for being a ⭐ Janis: everyone's buzzing Jimmy: what've you got on? Janis: me and my absolutely packed schedule? Janis: only 🐕🏃 ain't far off, aside from what I wanna, which can be done any time I want, of course Jimmy: nowt 🥇 about mine but we could edit it to look like we're #livingourbestlives Jimmy: I live right by the school, you could wait for me there, take some 📷 or whatever Janis: It's actually not an awful shout Janis: they're all obsessed with the cute kid thing Janis: and actually, Asia might be there with hers so Janis: very goals Jimmy: do try and put it out my head there's more than one set of those 🦷🦷 about Jimmy: fuck it, come then Jimmy: least I know you'll be sitting down Janis: 😂 fuck marrying a doctor, she's gotta find a dentist, for the whole family's sake Janis: I'm not coming in a 🦽 though Janis: that's a bit much Jimmy: #ultimategoals Jimmy: just admit you want me to carry you, girl Janis: behave Janis: might not be OUR teachers, but they'll have no issue telling you off, I'm sure Jimmy: donkey'd be a bit much but as fake pregnancy announcements go, top tier Janis: so gutted I can't fake labour and give birth to the new lord and saviour Janis: really steal the show Jimmy: could if it's Lucas' and you're making a Christmas cuck of me Janis: um, it's God's Janis: keep up Jimmy: sure it is Janis: 😱 Janis: didn't catch Joseph acting up like this Jimmy: didn't give him any lines, did they? Janis: I think he gets to ask if there's any room at the inn Jimmy: Oi mate, give us a 🛏 Jimmy: brought my own ⛓ like Janis: don't even get a break mid-labour Janis: hardcore Janis: weren't you Joseph in your nativity then? Jimmy: that your guess? Janis: yeah, I reckon Jimmy: what were you? Janis: just a generic angel Janis: was going to be one of the wise men but grace threw a fit if we weren't exactly the same Janis: tah for the downgrade Jimmy: if they could 👀 you now Jimmy: oscar worthy fake girlfriend performance day in, day out Janis: obviously they didn't see my potential like you, babe Janis: she might have legitimately tried to murder me if I got to be Mary 😂 no she weren't a twin, like Jimmy: I actually were one of the wise men, soz, sweetheart Jimmy: could've been #fated Janis: bet you was frankincense 'cos you could say big words Janis: I'm so 😭 honestly Jimmy: as roleplays go, not my top choice, but owt for you, babe Janis: if anything is a test of how well you can fake it Jimmy: you testing me? Janis: depends Jimmy: ? Janis: if we have the time to make THREE costumes instead of one Janis: I highly doubt it Janis: 😏 Jimmy: challenge accepted Jimmy: tin foil 👑 weren't it? Janis: yeah, and some kind of bedsheet robe, bit of tinsel Janis: sorted Jimmy: bet they have a 👸🏽 I can nick for you if your description of that shop were owt to go by Janis: definitely Janis: even if the hen party ones have L plates and dicks over 'em, the Disney ones should be a bit more nativity appropriate Jimmy: steal the show piss easy Janis: LOVE making little kids cry, obvs Jimmy: same Jimmy: just ain't as good when they're deaf, you can't get the volume out of 'em Jimmy: gutted we didn't end up with one who always shouts, obvs Janis: I'm gonna assume you got that deaf free pass and not go there myself Jimmy: safer to take owt I say with  🧂🤏 Jimmy: all fake anyway this Janis: ain't forgotten, you're alright Jimmy: didn't hit your head, I remember Janis: wouldn't tell you if I had Janis: the drama'd be too much Jimmy: I'd have worked that much out Jimmy: northern and only a bit thick Janis: 😵😵 Jimmy: no excuses, pisshead Janis: I know, I know Janis: you pride yourself on being 🏆💪 at the whole fake caring bf thing Jimmy: you saying I'm not? Janis: didn't say that, nah Jimmy: what then? Janis: what do you mean what? Janis: nothing Jimmy: 👌 Janis: you're lucky you live in town Jimmy: about the only thing mine's got going for it Janis: yeah Janis: this bus ride has nothing though so take the 🍀 Jimmy: how long? Janis: gimme 15 Jimmy: [gives her whatever he's drawn her for the first advent doodle because I was hoping to find something but I've been cockblocked] Jimmy: [maybe it's her as a lil bub wise man though now cos live your dreams] Janis: [love that, when you dunno what to say for a hot sec so you post it first being fake but lowkey having to tell the real story somewhat 'cos like, why and what else so it can't be that fake] Janis: you are good at art, give you that Jimmy: @ Ms Howe Jimmy: 💰 on her having a real account but dunno what it is Jimmy: @artteacheroveralls73 Jimmy: @reasonswhyloadsofartistsareproblematic Jimmy: @ihatenortherners86 Janis: you aren't her fave? Janis: 💔 Janis: cliche affair could've cut out any need for fake dating Jimmy: not a lass with a bowl cut and 🖌 behind her 👂 Janis: you've got the same type Janis: bummer Jimmy: piss off Janis: 😂 Janis: we can say it is Janis: maybe one of 'em will chop off all their hair Jimmy: you'd have to an' all Jimmy: unless you're that 🥇 I've binned off my type Janis: Precisely Janis: no competition Jimmy: what's yours then? just 👴 who teach you or what? Janis: must be Janis: not a lesbian and that's the other guess Jimmy: 👍 Janis: tah Janis: well affirming Jimmy: didn't need telling that you weren't gay Jimmy: not that good of an actress Janis: rude Janis: basically got an oscar Jimmy: off who? Jimmy: don't count if you give it to yourself, Judith Janis: you Jimmy: you've had nowt off me but that top quality 🎨 Janis: only because you can't find a 🏆 to give me Jimmy: 'cause it's up to me what I give you Jimmy: and as rewards go, I can do better Janis: I like the drawing Jimmy: yeah? Jimmy: you can have it, instead of just a 📷 if you want Janis: alright Jimmy: alright Janis: what do you actually want Janis: in return Jimmy: what's #goals? Jimmy: other than all this nativity bollocks Janis: true, very selfless of me Jimmy: there you go then Jimmy: weren't wrong about the 👼🏽 casting even if you were fuming Janis: I can fake 👼🏽 yeah Janis: but it's not really that selfless with all the #content we'll be getting Jimmy: still, I'll leave off taking your halo for a bit Janis: 'til you get me my 👸🏽 Jimmy: only fair Jimmy: can't fit a bobble hat over a head that big and with all that hair an' all Janis: still not getting a bowl cut Janis: let it go, babe Jimmy: good Jimmy: hard enough to fake the 😍 as you are Janis: yeah right Janis: hear the 🎻 from here Jimmy: play them like you mean them, babe Janis: if you wanted this to be easy for you Janis: should've picked an art hoe you could get properly 😍 over Jimmy: you're alright, a lass like that wouldn't be impressed by owt like a quick 🖋🎨 Janis: so now I'm TOO easy, yeah? Jimmy: not a tweet I'll be sending but Janis: fuck you either way Janis: just because I'm doing my job 🥇 you're gonna have a go Janis: thank me, more like Jimmy: fucking me regardless is something an easy lass would do 😏 Janis: yeah but I only fuck you 'cos you're the perfect little boyfriend so don't matter Janis: no one knows how much of a colossal dickhead you are, remember Jimmy: be about right Janis: you haven't bumped your head and forgotten the plan neither Jimmy: not yet, like Jimmy: but hell on earth were what you said Janis: if you get in way of a big mammy and her Christmas deals, you might be in luck of a fair smack, yeah Jimmy: #kinkunlocked Janis: good 'cos I won't be saving you Jimmy: 💔🎻😭 Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: entertain yourself Jimmy: easy Janis: contrary to your opinion, not obsessed with your 🍆 or what you do with it Jimmy: got an inbox full of lasses who are, I'll live Janis: yeah, you're loving it Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: [a picture of him waiting for her wherever the bus comes in doing his own 🙄 because he's a nerd and also he's never gonna just wait for her outside the shop when THAT ankle] Janis: Wow, if you're gonna leave, politer ways to 💔 Jimmy: ruder ways an' all Janis: idk Janis: quite rude, that Jimmy: is it? Janis: suppose I don't have to fake my 😍 at your mug right now Jimmy: there you go then Janis: Not going to say thank you still Jimmy: 💔🎻😭 Janis: you don't need to wait though Jimmy: can't chuck myself under the 🚍 til it gets in Janis: not how you wanted it Janis: or how I said I'd do it Jimmy: never said it'd 💀💀💀 me Jimmy: you want a 🦽 or what? Janis: you want matching Janis: alright Jimmy: what could be more #goals? Janis: I quite like walking but you know Janis: as you like it Jimmy: dry your eyes, mate Jimmy: bit more nursing and you'll be well away Janis: you gonna let me go then? Jimmy: 💪🏆🥇 you Jimmy: not gonna have a choice Janis: thought you might finish the job Janis: 🦶🪓 Jimmy: did cross my mind Janis: No shit, Kathy Janis: the kink is blatant Jimmy: you could do worse, Lucas ain't gonna let you piss about in bed all day when it's his turn Janis: 🤤🤤 Janis: I like the challenge Jimmy: #blessed Janis: counting down the days Janis: #tilwemeetagain Jimmy: 🤞 you'll have him all to yourself in detention Jimmy: no tah needed Janis: you heard anything yet? Jimmy: he ain't using that for why he's not bothered to crack on with crafting a 🐑 costume Janis: 👎 Janis: he's gonna look cute Janis: not your dad Jimmy: I get it, no need for a poor man's Lucas when you can have the real thing 🥇 Janis: something like that Jimmy: 👴💕 Janis: [better show up gal] Jimmy: [resist the urge to immediately pick her up please sir] Janis: [when you're awkward like it's been ages just because there's been like a night or a day whatever reprieve love it, just like let us get to primark to get this sheep costume moment hun] Jimmy: [are we doing both on mobility scooters or him pushing her in a wheelchair/trolley because v different vibes but both iconic] Janis: [hmm, I assume their Dublin store would be big so I reckon we could go mobility scooter, you would find that more fun once you get into it too] Jimmy: [love that just don't do a me and knock a whole display of bras over yourself] Janis: [I did say we threw our bra on Mia's head so let's not reclaim that for yourself hen, though I do find them difficult to drive as someone who hasn't needed to so it will be carnage, like Primark at xmas isn't already hehe] Jimmy: [10000% am gonna say he takes off her shoes and won't give them back so instead puts on some OTT christmas slippers that are shaped like a xmas pudding or some nonsense because she's been on that ankle too much honey and we are cross] Janis: [we do not love ourselves or our lives enough to take a break so it's tea also that is amusant so yes because shan't be buying and that's the kind of mankiness you can expect from this shop or any high street one lowkey] Jimmy: [literally just gonna chuck them back on the floor or leave them in this scooter basket soz not soz, she's not walking around they won't get too trashed hens] Janis: [peeps do go feral so so can you lads, not to mention taking the piss out of all the weird things they put on clothes 'cos it do be wild] Jimmy: [they are gonna have a lovely time taking the piss out of everything and everyone tbh] Janis: [there should be peeps from school in there but like randoms so not enough to warrant a full show but as an excuse you barely need for couplish behaviour when spotted] Jimmy: [great idea cos you know there would be loads of peeps out shopping rn odds on some of them you vaguely recognise, I vote for some art hoes for the lols] Janis: [ha some art hoes out with their fam or something I live] Jimmy: [aesthetically doing the most haha] Janis: [just immaturely like there's your real girlfriend] Jimmy: [will get you with this scooter like they're bumper cars like oi] Janis: [when you don't know her name obvs so you're just shouting out really pisstakey ones like oi clem oi wren etc] Jimmy: [can't not lol] Janis: [sorry to this girl but we're not, just don't trash these scooters that we're using to bump into him/everyone/everything] Jimmy: [also not sorry for whatever he's chucking at her as the mood takes him] Janis: [just don't chuck that stripper jumper or we'll actually be raging] Jimmy: [can't wait for your jumper try on sesh when we reach that section lads] Janis: [oh lawd] Jimmy: [they should try on like onesies and all sorts so we have to have a full big disabled changing room moment] Janis: [the filmsy excuse like must you? yes obvs] Jimmy: [we live for a flimsy excuse in this era] Jimmy: [actually gutted the flatwhites aren't here because they have beds set up with xmas covers etc in the big primarks imagine the show they could've put on] Janis: [we must be prepping our low-cal xmas meal lmao] Jimmy: [Asia won't be making her sister's donkey outfit] Janis: [lmaooooooooooooooo what else can you do in a primark hmm] Jimmy: [I don't think we can get decs cos they all suck we're gonna have to steal them from elsewhere] Janis: [that fine, any other shop will have some that aren't horrific, primark might have the kind of make your own vibe that Bobby would like] Jimmy: [aww that'd be cute] Janis: [you crafty boi, you'd also know how to do it without a kit girl so if you wanna come through you can, as for primark, we probably get the vibe, unless there's anything specific we wanna say/do?} Jimmy: [I think we've covered it so you can go back to his gaff and construct this 🐑 lewk] Janis: [at least we've made your life 10x easier with this coat, also gonna be the first time you've been to his so probably just hanging about outside like am I leaving now or] Jimmy: [will carry you over the threshold like that was what was stopping you coming in even though he blatantly doesn't need help & make you tea so we can have that milk two sugars revelation] Janis: [just like sup bitch to Twix] Jimmy: [the beginning of the real love story] Janis: [not like we're pure awkward and like hi dog this I can do right at least] Jimmy: [I hope they've found a christmas jumper for you too Twix cos there's no festive cheer in this gaff] Janis: [casually assess how many decs we gotta get, also dread to think the jumpers you've ended up with] Jimmy: [give her that doodle you did and dramatically sign it like a nerd] Janis: [🙄but 😏 'get famous and I'll flog it'] Jimmy: ['you've posted it, bound to get insta famous' cue a fake dramatic scroll through his phone] Janis: ['if you have to put a word before it, it don't count' and mimes shooting him in the chest 'cos insta fame is all we have hunny] Jimmy: [does an OTT death scene] Janis: [twix will be trampling all over you like oh hey what you doing down here] Jimmy: [😒 but we secretly love her really] Janis: [just like it's your own fault boy but putting out a hand to help him up] Jimmy: [takes it and pretends like he's gonna pull her down which is accidentally saucy, remember that mud moment lads, but doesn't obvs] Janis: [😳 and lowkey pretending you're gonna drop him so he's reminded of Asia and the assault course instead] Jimmy: [puts her foot up and generally fusses like a nurse because we know it's fucked] Janis: ['you're meant to be drawing a sheep's face right now' 'cos you cannot like focus boy] Jimmy: [gets and chucks a bag of frozen peas at her so he can put a tea towel on her head like an even bigger nerd but then does get his craft on] Janis: ['downgrade' like where's me crown but staying put 'cos it'll be more fuss if you don't] Jimmy: [obvs does make her a crown that's actually decent because that bitch] Janis: [so amused 'cos impressive 'wasted on me and not quinn'] Jimmy: [takes a pic like it's not wasted now but really it's to hide our heart eyes/stop him saying something that he can't pretend is fake when there is nobody here] Janis: ['rather this than a sheep, I guess' like not a #goals lewk soz bobby it will be on you] Jimmy: [chucks all those cotton wall balls he couldn't attach at her like they are little snowballs because playfights forever] Janis: [just juggling with them like I too can be impressive lmao] Jimmy: [craft break while he tries to have a go/tries to get her to teach him how to do it because we're impressed but also competitive] Janis: [love that for y'all, I can't do it but I assume you'll at least be able to do 2 or 3 jimothy] Jimmy: [one should fall in his tea though because 💔] Janis: [devastation] Jimmy: [cue OTT pout soz for how distracting that always is] Janis: [getting up like calm down, I'll make another one, 'cos looking for an excuse to move tbh] Jimmy: [gotta push her back down into that seat before she can because sauciness forever] Janis: [just like OI but a LOOK too] Jimmy: [giving that LOOK back as standard] Janis: ['I can do it'] Jimmy: [putting out a hand to help her up for that parallel] Janis: [reluctantly taking it with a 😒 'cos omg we're fine even though we aren't but you know] Jimmy: [does the drawing a smile with his finger tip thing because if we actually touch her rn there will be no stopping us and this sheep isn't gonna finish itself] Janis: [run and make that tea gal distraction distraction] Jimmy: [likewise get crafting again jimothy] Janis: [let twix out the kitchen door 'cos she's being cray no doubt] Jimmy: [of course she is] Janis: how old is your brother Jimmy: 6 Janis: cute Jimmy: I'll pass that on Janis: the only kids I know are toddlers and babies Janis: have to be a bit less annoying at that age, right Jimmy: he's the only kid I know Jimmy: don't do my head in as much as the screaming 👶's at work Janis: yeah Janis: my oldest sister has a couple, they're nightmares Jimmy: 🤞 Ian's past it Janis: 🤞 his girlfriends are Janis: blokes never are Jimmy: depends whose arse he decides to slap at the photocopier this week Jimmy: 🤞 for a barren Sharon Janis: Christmas wish, or whatever Jimmy: @ Santa Jimmy: have a word Janis: plenty of sad christmas movies with that premise Janis: your brother really needs to be the ⭐ though Janis: you're well past it Jimmy: piss off am I Jimmy: every teenager on telly is played by a 35 year old, me and my crows feet are well in Janis: and I'm saying you pining for a step mum is for a whole different type of film Jimmy: dunno what you mean by that, Jenna Janis: 😇 Janis: [come back with that tea and the most dubious sure jan face] Jimmy: [😏] Janis: [shakes head like tut tut] Jimmy: [sips tea in a sassy manner] Janis: ['animal' and pointedly checking out his progress] Jimmy: [imaginary watch check time lol] Janis: ['never ends, eh?' squishes his face like poor boy] Jimmy: [a shrug 'not til you kill me'] Janis: ['better put in your appearance first for the kid'] Jimmy: [nods because no fucker else is gonna do it 'whatever they're using for the baby jesus might come in handy an' all, fake kid for you to remember me by' because we think we're leaving lol] Janis: [such an unamused face 'no thank you' like you don't know how rife teen pregnancy is in this fam lol] Jimmy: [a look like yeah it won't look as fit and mysterious as me but still] Janis: ['it's always some pale ginger kid anyway'] Jimmy: [picks up Twix and wraps her up in the sofa blanket like a little bub and hands her to Janis like there you go cos looks a bit like them being white but with whirls and she was a bit gingery when she was a pup] Janis: [when you can't just yeet this dog so you have to take her and give her some love but you're like 😑] Jimmy: [squishes her face like she just did to him] Janis: [swats him away 'prick' and is on our phone like we're very busy but we just don't wanna make this bad mood more of a thing] Jimmy: [Twix just kissing her face like ILY] Janis: [can't be mad at this pup at least, in reality we just seeing where nearby does decent decs that you can go and get] Jimmy: [meanwhile we're getting the bae painkillers cos we think that's why she's cross] Janis: [shakes head, 'saw Helena earlier'] Jimmy: [shrugs like suit yourself 'tah for keeping it off the 'gram' like she's cheating on you with Helena imagine] Janis: [? then like ugh 'turns out she sells 'em so well in' she does not and we did not, the utter lies girl] Jimmy: [we're ignoring that bollocks and drinking our tea/finally finishing this sheep] Janis: [ta-da gesture 'where is he, anyway?' like neither of us can model this sheep moment adequately] Jimmy: [looks around OTT dramatically like 😱 where IS he? cos can't just answer a question] Janis: [lifts up a cushion or something like hello?] Jimmy: [cue a silly fake hide and seek] Janis: [Twix will give you away so easily lmao] Jimmy: [eventually flopping down OTT dramatically basically on top of her like you're so knackered because always taking the piss out of his stamina] Janis: [acting like he's so heavy like you're gonna kill me] Jimmy: ['not the way you wanna go'] Janis: ['is that even a question?'] Jimmy: ['didn't draw owt' because he did draw ? on her with a fingertip during the school trip and it was very flirty] Janis: ['there you go then' like no need to answer] Jimmy: 'reckon we're on our own' like there you go then for that question you asked about Bobby's whereabouts but you're still basically all up in her grill so it's accidentally flirty as well as a no shit answer] Janis: [takes a picture to be like now we ain't] Jimmy: [do a little photoshoot so you can have an excuse to make out because it's been FOREVER as far as you're concerned] Janis: [when we haven't even processed any of this lowkey] Jimmy: [it's a headfuck kids] Janis: ['did you go to school this morning, after?' 'cos saying you clearly didn't] Jimmy: ['what kind of question is that?' cos clearly didn't either, nods in the direction of the sheep costume fail like] Janis: [shrugs 'maybe you give up easy' like he came home did ten minutes and was like nah] Jimmy: [a look like very subtle challenge there babe] Janis: ['piss off' and pushing him a bit away 'cos we haven't moved evidently] Jimmy: [gets up and starts cleaning up all the crafting mess like fine I can take a hint] Janis: [ah the frustration, getting up like well then 'what time's the nativity thing?'] Jimmy: [telling her whatever time it is] Janis: ['meet you there then' and peacing] Jimmy: [so many things he wanted to say but we're not saying any of them] Janis: [oh lads] Jimmy: [sends her a pic of Bobby when he tries on that sheep lewk] Janis: 👍 Janis: looks pretty good I reckon Janis: he happier now? Jimmy: he's moved to 😢 Jimmy: should've kept your 👑 'cause the only 🏆'll be the FUMING mum's 💔 they never 💡🥇 of pissing about with their old clothes Janis: it's an improvement, suppose Janis: nah, could've earnt it if I committed to taking my sisters and glueing a paper plate to it Janis: 💔 oh well Jimmy: far as thankless tasks go, it's got nowt on 👴👵☕ Janis: you can wear it then Janis: have to size it up Jimmy: you gonna give me a hand or what? Janis: you did such a good job first time 'round Jimmy: without the tweet singing my praises, how would I know? Janis: if you want me to post, just say so Jimmy: if I have to tell you how to do the job, might as well do it myself Janis: fuck's sake Janis: we're literally going to clog their feeds later with all this nativity shit Janis: don't act like I ain't doing anything Jimmy: didn't have you down for a part timer but alright Janis: what you have me down as is irrelevant 'cos you don't know me Jimmy: weren't about to start a Q & A Janis: Good Janis: I know how to do the job, so do you Janis: leave it at that Jimmy: I were only pissing about, what's your problem? Janis: nothing Janis: there's just no need to do anything else Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: okay Janis: don't forget the santas hat you said he needed for jingle bells at the end Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 👋 Jimmy: 😘 Janis: not worth a screenshot Janis: but I got the message, like Jimmy: what message is that? Janis: more 👏 content 👏 Jimmy: steady on, I ain't 💀👑 Janis: the point was bigger and better, weren't it Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt Jimmy: you said nowt Janis: when did I? Jimmy: no need to do owt else, weren't it? so there's no need to make me sound like a tory slave driver Janis: just forget it, alright Jimmy: forget what? Janis: that I said anything Jimmy: or what? Janis: why would you not? Janis: there's nothing to gain from this Jimmy: might be if you stop being a dickhead and tell me what's wrong Janis: I'll just stop Janis: if you do as well Jimmy: what have I done? Janis: do you think you've done anything? Jimmy: that's not an answer Jimmy: the answer's nowt Janis: there you go then Jimmy: stopping doing nowt means doing something, so go on, what do you want? Janis: I don't want anything Janis: alright Janis: I shouldn't have slept with you Jimmy: freezing weren't how you wanted to 💀💀💀 either Janis: what Jimmy: I weren't gonna let you sleep out there on your own Janis: are you serious Jimmy: are you? Janis: you've already called me desperate for it Janis: now you think I'd just do it for the warmth and you get to be some kind of gentleman for bothering Jimmy: 1. I've said nowt of the sort 2. sort your head out if that's where you reckon mine is Janis: You said I was easy Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: that were you, for a start Janis: no it wasn't Jimmy: bollocks Janis: it was you Janis: anyway, it was a mistake Jimmy: you legged it, you're calling it a mistake, nowt to do with me, that Janis: because I'm not easy and you've got the wrong idea if you reckon that Janis: so let's stick to what is actually working and leave it Jimmy: you're being a massive dickhead Janis: and what Jimmy: and nowt's gonna work if you don't leave it out Janis: that's literally what I've said Jimmy: fuck's sake Janis: how are you gonna have a go at me? Janis: you could've just shut the fuck up and it'd be fine Jimmy: how would it? Jimmy: you're sitting there 😒😤😭💔🎻 over some bollocks you reckon I said and you weren't gonna say owt Janis: don't take the piss Jimmy: or what? Jimmy: that's what you've been doing all day, mate Janis: fuck off have I, I've been helping you out Jimmy: suffering in silence 'cause I'm such a bastard, more like Jimmy: have a 🏆 Janis: you're the one being dramatic, I didn't say that Janis: I just didn't appreciate what you did, that's it Jimmy: you spent ages with me after I apparently called you a massive slag, what else do you call that? Janis: I was already on my way Janis: what am I gonna do, actually turn the bus around, no Jimmy: not be a doormat Jimmy: there's your mistake if you're looking for one, Jodie Janis: fuck you Jimmy: this is me being a prick since you need a hand working out the difference Janis: stop talking to me Jimmy: stop putting words in my mouth Janis: I didn't Jimmy: I don't think you're easy Janis: right Jimmy: Why would I? Jimmy: don't flatter yourself, alright, my benchmark for that is set at fucking half the north Jimmy: and even then, you'd have to really be dating me to get me to give a shit about it Janis: I didn't ask you to give a shit, nor do I want you to Janis: and it's hardly flattering but doormat is worse so yeah Janis: go away now Jimmy: 👌 Janis: I hope your brother doesn't totally hate it Jimmy: don't bother wasting your christmas wish Janis: well, he'll be fine, there are worse things than stage fright Jimmy: don't waste the reassurance on me either Janis: Jesus, whatever then Jimmy: there's nowt worse than having no parents about when every other dickhead does Janis: Yeah Janis: he won't be the only one Janis: and at least someone is there at all Jimmy: tah for that Janis: it's the truth Jimmy: most helpful you've been, pointing that out Janis: well what Janis: what else would you want me to say Janis: it's shit Jimmy: I didn't ask for you to say owt about it Janis: so you brought it up to what Janis: get a 👍 or 👎 Jimmy: you brought it up Jimmy: reckoning you know what's our kid's problem how you reckon you know what I think Janis: no, I was going Janis: I was literally just saying hope he doesn't have a terrible time Janis: don't have a go at me 'cos your dad ain't going Jimmy: leave it out Jimmy: I'm having a go at you 'cause you're doing my head in Janis: then I'll be going Janis: we don't need to talk to each other Janis: right now or barely at all Jimmy: 👍 Janis: when we need to do more fake shit, then we'll do it Jimmy: alright Jimmy: you know where I live Janis: Yep Janis: later Jimmy: [not gonna reply cos have a nativity to get ready for] Janis: [ah soz for the mess that has been made everyone, gutted we will not see the sheep costume in action] Jimmy: [how dare you arseholes ruin my festive fluff] Janis: [my boo is fuming, at least we can force you together easily enough after, and you did help with the costume] Jimmy: [we've ticked that and jumpers off the list, well done us]

[weaselsblaugh]

The Castlevania series in one sentence each - remastered chronicles requiem edition

Castlevania: Go kill Dracula and every single Universal Studios movie monster.

Castlevania [C64]: Playing "Vampire Killer" through a SID chip doesn't _always_ make it cooler.

Castlevania [Amiga]: You'll be fighting the control scheme more than you'll be fighting Dracula.

Castlevania [MSDOS]: Simon attains a skin tone more commonly associated with department store mannequins.

Vampire Killer: Go kill Dracula, if you don't get lost first.

Vampire Killer, take 2: Go kill Dracula's portrait painting.

Haunted Castle: Go kill Dracula, now with only one life and no continues.

Simon's Quest: Resurrect Dracula from spare parts just so you can kill him again.

The Adventure: Go kill Dracula, really slowly, because otherwise this blurry screen can't keep up with you.

Dracula's Curse: Two hundred years ago your ancestor looked exactly like you.

Dracula's Curse, take 2: Go kill Dracula with the Power of Friendship!* (Void where prohibited, party size not to exceed two members.)

Dracula's Curse, take 3: Go kill Dracula with the help of his rebellious son, a mage, or a landlocked pirate that climbs ceilings.

Belmont's Revenge: Your son was supposed to kill Dracula, but Dracula nabbed and brainwashed him, so it's all up to you again, because vampire hunter parenting is hard.

Castlevania 4: Go kill Dracula from any of eight directions you like, or waste all your time twiddling the whip around because it's fun.

Dracula X: Go kill Dracula in the most anime way you possibly can, at age 13, with all your cute animal friends.

Dracula X, take 2: Go kill Dracula with this key! (What do you mean it doesn't do anything?)

Dracula X, take 3: Castlevania's Greatest Hits album.

Peke: Go buy a Super CD-ROM² system card, _then_ we can talk about killing Dracula.

Peke [PS4]: Your favorite cheat code doesn't work.

X68000: Castlevania's other Greatest Hits album.

X68000, take 2: Is "bathead" supposed to be a pun on butthead?

Bloodlines: Go kill Gary Oldman's character from the hit Hollywood film, Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Dracula X [SNES]: The fire is prettier and the music is nicer but killing Dracula is way harder than it usually is this time.

Dracula X [SNES], take 2: Wait, haven't I seen this level before?

Castlevania 64: Go kill Dracula, assuming you're facing in the right direction first.

Castlevania 64, take 2: Go kill Dracula, provided you aren't hypnotized by the beautiful violin music on the title screen.

Symphony of the Night: Go kill Belmont...?

Symphony of the Night [true ending]: ˙ɐlnɔɐɹp llᴉʞ oפ

Symphony of the Night [Saturn]: Go kill Dracula and also the frame rate and any semblance of difficulty balance this game ever had.

Legacy of Darkness: The closest thing we'll get to a video game adaptation of Teen Wolf.

Legends: Go kill Dracula, but first, reproduce with his son, in what's arguably a way cooler origin story than Lament gave us (until Sonia got stricken from canon).

Resurrection: Sonia Belmont could have been in another game if only this one hadn't been cancelled.

Circle of the Moon: Go kill Dracula, provided you're able to see what you're doing and aren't tired of hearing The Sinking Old Sanctuary by the time you get there.

Harmony of Dissonance: Dracula's castle is stricken with a dissociative identity, or something, so go kill Dracula's WIP body (but not before you've finished decorating his guest bedroom for no particular reason...?).

Order of Shadows: Go kill Dracula and probably also your cell phone bill.

Aria of Sorrow: Go kill Dracula...wait, Dracula's already dead? Wait, this guy might be Dracula reborn? Wait, *I'M* Dracula?

Lament of Innocence: The Belmont Clan origin story gets totally retconned as Leon must go kill some vampire that isn't Dracula, since Dracula hasn't been born yet. (So what's he still doing here anyway?)

Lament of Innocence, take 2: Belmont May Cry (and probably does).

Dawn of Sorrow: Go kill these two jokers who think they're Dracula but can't possibly be because you're still Dracula, while the Belmont du jour keeps insisting that you Go Home and Be a Family Man.

Curse of Darkness: What was Lament missing? That's right: a furniture collecting sub quest and a pet raising metagame.

Portrait of Ruin: Dracula comes back because World War 2 was really sad. (Yes, really.)

Portrait of Ruin, take 2: Castlevania: the thrilling two on two on two tag team match, only on pay per view!

Portrait of Ruin, take 3: We make an attempt to reconcile Bloodlines into the canon by turning the bishounen Spaniard into a ghost cowboy and injecting a heaping helping of anime teen angst.

Portrait of Ruin, take 4: The Whip only works if you spend a couple minutes flinging custard pies at the ghost of Richter Belmont.

Portrait of Ruin, take 5: He's not Dracula but he's still a vampire, so please go whip the crap out of him with the help of your schoolgirl friend who slaps skeletons with books and sometimes turns you into a frog.

Dracula X Chronicles: Go kill Dracula, and in a twist exclusive to the remake, your girlfriend who is now a succubus.

Order of Ecclesia: We're supposed to kill Dracula with these fancy spells, but the only other guy here stole all of them and kidnapped the entire nearby village, so go beat him up and take them back so we can resurrect--I mean, KILL Dracula. It'll work, trust me!

Order of Ecclesia, take 2: go kill Dracula, but first, make the jeweler fall in love with you and take a picture of Bigfoot.

Judgment: Our timeline has so many holes and retcons in it that the only way to solve it is to have Death's brother Time show up and make everyone fight each other, which doesn't solve anything, but somebody had fun with it, I'm sure. (Probably only the artist.)

The Adventure Rebirth: The Castlevania game that nobody can buy anymore because it's marooned to an online service that closed down.

Lords of Shadow: Because Castlevania really needed to be more like...what was the big popular grim dark fantasy thing back then?

Harmony of Despair: Because clearly everybody's favorite part of SOTN was spending literal hours grinding for Crissaegrim, only now they can do it with friends.

Mirror of Fate: Go kill Dracula with crippling frame rate issues and falling damage.

Castlevania Puzzle: What do Castlevania fans want the most? Puyo Puyo, of course.

Lords of Shadow 2: Take me down to the Castlevania City, where the grass ain't green and the story ain't pretty.

The Arcade: It's like House of the Dead with whips.

The Pachislot: Wherein Konami refocused their efforts to appeal the franchise to only their most dedicated and loyal fans... Japanese gamblers.

The Netflix Original Series: Trevor is a foul mouthed drunk, there are frequent references to goat fucking, and somehow it's still better than the franchise has been for just shy of a decade.

Grimoire of Souls: What do Castlevania fans want the most? Fate Grand Order, of course.

[pacelearn]

Risky Business: 3 Visible Network Issues

When was the last time you gave your network any thought? Enterprise network design has a cool factor equivalent to, say, plumbing in today's fast-paced technological environment. Despite being vital, it isn't a brand-new sparkling thing in a world full of them. And unlike with a new supply chain management or customer relationship management system, it's difficult to demonstrate its worth.

Therefore, it might be easy to adopt an "if it ain't broke" mentality if your old network appears to be functioning. The background hum of the network is audible. Nobody is aware of it or willing to consider it. Everything continues to move. Prior to things going awry, And when it does, the results might be disastrous. Lapses in security. Work interruptions unhappy consumers and staff. Greatly wasted time and money attempting to solve it.

What’s at stake

Despite the fact that many businesses opt to take this risk, it is not recommended. Operating with a legacy corporate network has too many potential dangers to be avoided, yet many individuals are ignorant of the issues involved. Legacy networks are more susceptible to assaults from the outside as well as from within. As a result, companies are forced to defend themselves when they need to be considering Cloud First innovation and next-generation experiences, both of which will be thwarted by a legacy network. Let's look at three of the major dangers that exist when a corporate network isn't modernized. Join the Best Cloud Computing Courses online only at Pace Learn.

Ongoing tech debt

Many users believe that upgrading to a contemporary network is riskier than experiencing an outage. Unacceptable but understandable. You are not only passing on a tonne of chances to go farther down the Cloud Continuum but also utilizing duct tape to repair a legacy network can only get you so far. Your network complexity will eventually be more expensive than having it replaced. You'll pay for your tech debt—the failure to advance and adopt new capabilities—someday. You risk one day being unable to locate the necessary tools or people to work on it if you keep replacing one outdated router with another while refusing to upgrade the architecture. You don't know when it will break down, and there might not be a replacement available right away. An extensive outage brought on by obsolete network hardware may need many days of downtime and have a considerable negative impact on revenue and productivity. Delaying merely invites more risk, including dangers to security. Join the Best Cloud Computing Courses online only at Pace Learn.

Additional security risks

The majority of older network designs were created as barriers against intrusion from the outside. The premise was that "if I secure my perimeter and presume that everyone within is secure, I'm okay." But that's not the case now. The majority of risks now emanate from within companies. Thus they must operate on a zero-trust strategy. This kind of cyber attack creates significant company interruption and allows hackers access to sensitive, private data, yet the majority of older networks aren't equipped to handle them.

The "Trust but verify" mentality of the past has to be replaced by a more flexible "Never trust, always verify" mentality in organizations. Using this strategy, you may restrict access to information and resources by determining who has access to what users, programs, and devices. Identity serves as the new border in this new paradigm. Simply put, legacy networks and systems weren't designed to actively detect these modern cyber threats from within. Zero-trust networks of today are.

Beyond lowering security risk, modern networks have other benefits. Client time spent on compliance in highly regulated areas like financial services is staggering. Organizations can easily adhere to rules thanks to new network topologies. A strong security foundation also eliminates the "great barrier" of intrusive security rules, enabling improved user experiences and speeding up innovation. You safely allow higher system and business performance when security is integrated into the network's architecture.

Fewer Cloud Innovation Opportunities

By switching to a software-defined, zero-trust network, you can do tasks that were not possible in a traditional context. Automation is much simpler. For instance, cloud-native functions not only increase the value of the cloud but also make security and alignment with changing business requirements simpler. You are able to rapidly and efficiently adjust to different circumstances and environments. Modern networks allow you to collect data that you can then relay to central controllers. This provides you with visibility into every aspect of your operations, allowing you to plan ahead to:

Look for abnormalities and potential weak points.

To enable auto-remediation when necessary, shift from a predictive to a more proactive approach.

Prepare to handle any situation that may happen.

Consider the pandemic: Companies with sophisticated networks operating enabled staff to work on anything, anywhere, right away. But when consumers couldn't simply work from home, legacy network enterprises were decimated. The process of getting individuals working took weeks. This irritated both the staff and the consumers and cost millions of dollars.

Your network may potentially sabotage your cloud-related plans. One European corporation had to restart years of cloud efforts simply because its network couldn't provide the necessary performance. Last but not least, cloud-native functions are more intuitive and have a unified appearance and feel, making them more user-friendly, whereas traditional networks have always been about specialized expertise. Even while complexity may have generated many occupations, those jobs are disappearing. Software developers can do more with less, so you need fewer specialized staff. Join the Best Cloud Computing Courses online only at Pace Learn. Visit the website now!

[auliahq]

March 10th, 2019

"We need to stay healthy amidst busy season, we should hit the gym together!"

After a rather successful first date, you asked me out again exactly the next weekend, this time to a place I resent so much: Gym. Why would I even go to a gym on busy season? I'm already tired with all the loaded workpapers. But I decided to go, of course, it was you afterall. We also planned to watch newly released Captain Marvel. You already bought the tickets even though it should have been my turn to pay. "It's gonna be fun!" I thought to myself.

I went home after spending all Saturday AND the first 3.5 hours of Sunday working overtime at the office (God, I LOATHE public accounting!). I texted you to wake me up at noon if I didn't text you all day, in case I overslept. I remember at this point, even after that first date, we were still texting via Instagram message (!) Yeah, I know, I was too shy to ask for your number. It's been so long since I had to ask for a guy's number! Because: 1. Guys usually just give their number to me first, and 2. I just got out from an almost-6-years relationship, so naturally my game was a little rusty.

Anyway, I got home, slept for like 5-6 hours, and got ready for our next date. I looked horrible after pulled off all-nighters for 6 days in a row! My skin looked so dull and my eyes had dark circles like panda's eyes. So I took out the best sheet mask I had at that time and wore it for around 15 minutes, hoping it would somehow fix my face instantly. And... it worked! A little. At least my skin didn't look so dull anymore. Then I had to choose my outfit, I didn't have much option for workout clothes since I have not worked out much in my entire existence. After messing up my wardrobe, I finally settled for a black shirt paired with grey stretchy pants.

"Hey, I'm on my way to your place", you texted me. "Oh, okay. Do you need me to share my location?", I texted you back. "Nope, I'm good. I still remember your place from last week" you replied. "Oh, okay then" I replied. Then I wait. 20+ minutes went by without your text, so I texted you again "Where are you now?". "Hey, sorry I think I got lost again! There was a forbidden sign and I had to turn around and I got confused" you replied. Damn boy, why did you have to get lost every time we were about to meet?! I shared my location immediately. "Here I am, where are you? Do you see any benchmark or anything?" "I don't know, I just see president's posters everywhere!". This ain't helping me at all! But seconds after that you sent a video of your surroundings. "Did I go too far?" you asked. "Yeah, hahahaha. You need to turn around, I'll just meet you on your side of the street". I crossed the road and waited.

Not long after that, you pulled over in front of me. "Miss Awul?" You called me a la online driver, while smiling from ear to ear. "Yes, please go according to the app" I replied, laughing out loud. You apologized for being lost and late, so I said "What if we exchange numbers later? That way I can call you in case you get lost again". Oh yeah, I'm being smooth as hell, I thought. "Sure!" You said excitedly. Then we had small talk along the way about work, our asshole seniors and their assholery behaviors. We were basically bonding over our agony in public accounting.

As soon as we arrived at the gym, we went for the treadmill for like 10 minutes. I magically survived, even though I couldn't feel my legs for a moment. We kept talking about basically everything. I like how our conversations just naturally kept going effortlessly. At this point I wasn't nervous anymore, so I started to open up a little bit about myself. I remember after we decided to stop working out, we were just lying in front of the AC like we owned the gym. You asked me about my college life and how come we never met even though we had few same circles, when's my birthday, where I come from, etc. You also told me a little about yourself.

Then you asked me the big question, "where should we go for dinner?". Good, now I had to think after I burnt my brain from overtime and my body fron the workout. "Do you want burger? Flip Burger just opened in Margo" I suggested. "Yeah sure, I want burger!", You agreed. So we basically just burnt some calories, just to pile up calories from junk food. Very well.

After gym, we went to Margo City, a number 1 destination for all people in Depok on weekend. We had ice cream when waiting for our movie. You brought your laptop and actually worked when we're on a date, which you still do until this post is posted hehehehe. When you were working, I asked your permission to exchange our number. Now we could chat from WhatsApp like normal people do! After ice cream, I wanted some snacks before we went to XXI. So we had snacks on Lotteria, where I took this picture for an update!

I included your hand in the picture on purpose, of course. Some people might stalk me and found out "ooh she went out with someone!". I knew you didn't mind. I didn't keep the ticket stub, but I'm glad I still keep this picture.

Not much happened when we were watching the movie. Captain Marvel was great, my companion was great and very enjoyable. None of us made any move, it was too soon anyway. After that, we had big burgers for dinner as my treat, because you paid for the movie and previous date. So it's only fair if I pay for gym and food. I made it clear for you that I have been (and will always be) paying my part on a date.

Time did fly, we went home after having dinner. The aftermath of hitting the gym was starting to strike my body, my legs were practically spaghetti and my shoulders were killing me. I ended up wearing hot patches all over my body when I went back to work on Monday. But you know what? I never regret any of it. It was fun, I was truly happy, and we agreed to have another AYCE date on the following weekend.

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Grace

Janis: what's the name of that boy we were partnered with first day Janis: the one when we won? Grace: Craig Grace: why? Janis: that's it Janis: what's his deal, how do you know him? Grace: I literally don't Janis: you don't fuck with him? Grace: idk he's like really shy or whatever Grace: that was the first time I'd ever talked to him & vice versa so Janis: okay, well Mia banged him last night Janis: we saw her going in his room Grace: EW Grace: poor Craig Janis: yeah Janis: where is he Janis: she eat him afterwards, like 🕷 Grace: 🐍 like Grace: ugh he was cute Grace: RIP 🙏 Janis: anyway, thought I'd say 'cos obviously did it to 💔 you so naturally act the opposite to piss her off Janis: we got 📸s Grace: 🙄 duh I am the opposite, he hit me up & I said no thanks, I have the 🗨 Janis: ha Janis: send me that Grace: [does] Janis: 👍 Janis: always handy to have Grace: yeah Janis: not ready yet but can preview it when I'm done Grace: not sure I wanna 👀🍿 her snatching that sweet boy's virginity but thanks Janis: she weren't that careless Janis: thankfully Janis: you'll 👀 Grace: 👌👌 Janis: How's Els? Grace: UM why? What did you do? Janis: Nothing Janis: she fell on her arse, did she not Grace: Oh that Grace: it was no worse than when Asia dropped your bf Grace: how's your ankle? Janis: If I didn't know how thick she was, assume Mia put her up to it Janis: it's annoying Janis: need it to be better for when we get back Grace: literally so many 🐕🐩 to walk, what would you even do? Janis: exactly, can make loads in holidays, those 7 hours free really add up Grace: I'd offer to help but so can I 👶🍼 Janis: I'll survive Janis: take one of Billie's old chairs if necessary, get them to pull me along Grace: 😂😂 Grace: ask Mia what shifts barista boy is down for, maybe he can help Janis: in theory worth it Janis: but she'd probably be weirdly smug about her knowing instead of me Grace: true, just ask him Grace: 🤞💜 Janis: ain't sharing my pay Grace: he'd totally do it for free cos he's SO 😍😍😍 Janis: yeah yeah Janis: that'd fade well fast when faced with 6am and dog shit Grace: Hello?! He gets up earlier than that to serve ☕ and clean bathrooms Janis: we've all got very glamorous lives Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: HIGHKEY should tell Craig to get tested but like I don't want him to think I'm 💔 Grace: ugh Janis: slip a 📝 under his door Janis: - a concerned citizen Grace: so retro Grace: love it Grace: idk if I even have any paper?? Janis: we have to do some exit survey bullshit don't we Grace: do we? Grace: EW Janis: mhmm, already planning my constructive criticism, obvs Grace: @ Mr Lucas what are you even doing here?! SO GROSS Janis: pretty sure he's following me Janis: fair, did cut the two spare ties he brought (??) in half Grace: OMG! you've literally saved someone's life tbh Grace: he's that creepy Janis: reckons we've got full term detention when we get back Janis: so sorry I foiled your plan, definitely wanna spend more alone time with you, sounds good Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: so sorry you're short & gross & single & mad about it, hun Janis: if mum actually makes me go, it'll be my 🩸 on his 🧤 and her 🤲 Grace: she won't even Grace: not for that long Janis: 🤞 Janis: if all he cares about are the holes in all his 🩲 and not finding out what else I did, then she won't be as pissed off as she could be Grace: what else did you do?? Grace: also EW for that visual, babes Janis: 🤫 Janis: you didn't have to touch 'em Grace: you've literally made it even easier for him to touch himself, excuse you Janis: 😂😂 Janis: 📸 that for the online burn book Grace: can he get enough hate to retire please?! so over what a freak he is Janis: ain't we all Grace: maybe he won't be able to take us for any more activities thanks to the wardrobe malfunctions you caused 🤞🤞 Grace: 🙏 Janis: could be his day CANCELLED 👌🍆💦🥴 Grace: STOP Grace: I don't wanna see 🍆💦 applied to him EVER Janis: it'll stop him being so 🤬🤬 on the bus Grace: the breakfasts here are literally gross enough the 1st time around, can you not make it come back up!! Janis: yeah, pretty rough Janis: that'll be why the gals have been skipping, yeah 😏 Grace: 🙄 Grace: Don't even, she wants me to Grace: I don't have the energy to fight with her about it even after eating, sorry not sorry, babes Janis: no wonder she's taken to spreading STIs Janis: wanna take out as many people as she can, that one Grace: idk what goes through her head, 1st barista boy, now Craig Grace: thank god if I was actually 😍 she'd clearly have no idea Janis: he's not the worst looking Grace: barista boy? DUH Grace: we all see your 😍😍😍 hun Janis: I meant Craig and you know it Grace: like I said, he was cute Janis: shame he's now 50% likely to have the clap Grace: I'll write him that note, it's been forever since I did a good deed Grace: 🙏😇 Janis: nan be 💃 Grace: maybe now she'll love me 🤞🖤 Janis: she loves no one but dad and the LORD Janis: allegedly on that last one Grace: as far as she's concerned they were basically the same person so Janis: where was his dad, tbh Janis: maybe he was 1/3 Janis: 2/3 now Janis: 👶🏾👻 Grace: 🤷 Janis: she'll ask the lady at church who can talk to spirits, that's what she was on about to mum last I heard Janis: gonna stay in touch now he's dead, clearly Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: I won't be taking Craig to 🙏 his STI away then Janis: cute date idea Grace: IKR?! Grace: so tragic that we'll both have to miss out Janis: 💔 be a trip to the clinic with Mia instead Grace: more like a solo trip Grace: she's already forgotten that boy Janis: poor, poor David Janis: what fond memories is he gonna have looking back Grace: 🐍🐁 Grace: but that's a v relatable mood, this trip has been the WORST Janis: has it? Grace: not for you, obvs Janis: just remembering that one where you pissed yourself and then cried the whole time Janis: it's at least one up on that Grace: EXCUSE YOU Grace: literally don't bring up that you've ever known me, thanks so much Janis: there's no selling that storyline, sadly Grace: there so is Janis: the name's a dead giveaway Grace: & it still wouldn't be the wildest rumour ever spread Janis: reality is boring in comparison to what they can cook up Grace: duh Janis: go ahead and have a go then Grace: 🤷🤷 there's enough rumours about you & your bf rn Grace: it'd get swallowed faster than poor Craig 💔 Janis: what's the best one you heard then Grace: they're literally all so cringe Janis: go on Grace: 🙄🙄 Grace: no thanks Janis: 🎈🎉💩 Grace: it's bad enough I have to 👀 you IRL I'm not trying to gossip in 🗨 too Grace: try Mia or El Grace: they can't get over your 💖 life Janis: 'course they can't Janis: 💔💔 real devastated Grace: mhmm Janis: Ella should be buzzing Janis: but seeing Mia 😢 makes her 😭 Grace: she's too 💔 her fake injury didn't work & yours is real Janis: she can have it Janis: fucking stupid Janis: if this trip weren't a waste of time before Grace: you should totally forget about doing whatever if you wanna get better for hols Janis: doing what? Janis: it's not like we've done anything that taxing Grace: sure but anyway Janis: I can't spend any more time doing nothing Grace: like you said, we already are Janis: you know what I mean Grace: yeah Janis: maybe we'll go do something else Janis: idk Grace: you've got like the perfect excuse not to be under Mr Lucas' 👀 so Janis: I do, might make him join in though Janis: 'cos he hates us Janis: and then I just get bored Grace: OMG stop giving me gross visuals Janis: ?? Grace: anything involving him is like traumatising Grace: he needs to stay on the side lines, thank you Janis: bit harsh Janis: he's northern, not a monster Grace: 😂 but not even Janis: 😏 Grace: whatever Grace: it'll be over soon Janis: the trip? Janis: well observed Grace: duh not gonna kms over breakfast Janis: thought you meant my 💘 Grace: Mia wishes Grace: everyone else will obvs be 💔 Janis: give 'em a good thing Grace: they have so many #s and there'll be more when you dump him Grace: it'll keep everyone busy no matter how many boys she 🐍 and obvs me the freedom to 😢 and wet myself on this trip too so Grace: love that Grace: thanks, babes Grace: 🙌💜🙌 Janis: sounds like a wild time Janis: you are welcome Grace: sure Janis: enjoy your watersports, like Grace: 👌👌