#I am a Christian and now I'm SO ASHAMED

[moonrunner-2]

THIS IS EMBARRASING BUT

im going to agressively assign this song to newtmas even after hearing the first TWO LINES since i just rewatched tdc. but im assignign it to book newt since he ran away to the crank palace. "I acted cruel" WHAT IS THIS BASED OFF THEM OR WHAT?This association means I LOVE THIS SONG (hey who is the boy who sings in a bunch of these songs? his voice is so underrated) STRETCHED HIS ARMS OUT WIDE LIKE ON THE PAVEMENT IN THE MOVIE. Who is this based off? someone tell me PLEASE. is this like black widow or smth???

ok next minute I'm out on a walk

AND I REALIZE ITS ABOUT JESUS

[cathedralight]

i've been rereading the dream thieves and find it super interesting to consider ronan's sexuality and his second secret through a specifically catholic framework. throughout trb and tdt, there are obviously multiple nods to ronan being gay: "i'm always straight" "that's the biggest lie you've ever told", "ronan wasn't a fan of lamps," the double meaning of "i know what you are" said by both kavinsky and declan, etc. ronan grapples with both his identity as a dreamer and his sexuality in tdt—"please god what am i tell me what i am"—yet the culmination of ronan's self-acceptance isn't just overcoming self-hatred and admitting that he's gay. it's specifically tied to his feelings for adam: "ronan's second secret was adam parrish." this is a way to overtly communicate that he's gay in-text, but there's nuance in the fact that his second secret is not generalized and identity-based, but intertwined with his attraction to a specific person.

now allow me to dive into the catholicism of it all, because it's interesting how ronan coming to terms with his sexuality is informed by catholic vs. protestant stances on queerness (very broadly speaking). whereas many protestant christian religions encourage praying the gay away and becoming heterosexual through god's will (aka conversion therapy), the stance of the catholic church on homosexuality is more along the lines of "you can't control that you have same-sex desire, but everyone has their crosses to bear so just don't act on it." as such, the catechism states that “homosexual persons are called to chastity.” (in the 1986 letter, the cardinal says, "although the particular inclination of the homosexual person is not a sin, it is a more or less strong tendency ordered toward an intrinsic moral evil; and thus the inclination itself must be seen as an objective disorder." this article also provides context to the catholic church's views on queerness.) all in all, there's that distinction between being gay vs. acting on it. gay thoughts vs gay actions. you can see this echoed in ronan's arc and how he struggles with his sexuality in several key ways.

for one thing, ronan is more concerned with concealment and repression than he is with changing or "fixing" his sexuality. his shame stems from lacking the vocabulary to understand or accept himself in numerous ways, but i wouldn't say ronan expends much energy trying to pray the gay away. ronan is pretty much allergic to attempting to change himself or conform to what others want, and this is no exception. for example, his acknowledgement that he has no interest in lamps, i.e. women, is very matter-of-fact. therein lies that catholic acceptance of his homosexuality; ronan cannot control what he is, but he can control whether he acts on it or not. i've seen analysis that considers ronan's sexuality as totally buried prior to tdt vs. his sexuality being something he's already open about prior to tdt; for me, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle because of that gay thoughts vs. gay actions split. the beginning of tdt cements this: "the second secret was perfect in its concealment. ronan did not say it. ronan did not think it. he never put lyrics to the second secret, the one he kept from himself." we know adam is his second secret, thus the tangible nature of his feelings for adam is what he's keeping from himself, not merely the fact that he's gay.

tdt is where ronan is specifically grappling with the possibility of his gay urges becoming action. imo the earliest example of this is the dollar city scene, with ronan wanting to punch the wall over gansey looking like "very clearly a real human, an attainable human." the word attainable speaks again to the idea of attraction as a contained feeling vs. something that ronan could act on (not necessarily with gansey, but it's broaching that difference as a concept). later on there's the adam-kavinsky sex dream after which ronan wakes up "ashamed and euphoric." the dream has given multiple faces to a nameless concealed desire, which has again made it a more real possibility and therefore what ronan has been trying to avoid. in a dream with kavinsky, "it felt like anything could happen. all of his secrets felt dangerously close to the surface." again, the idea of something happening, of a feeling being acted upon. and finally, when adam confronts ronan about his rent, "something inside ronan unwound and he almost said something." repeatedly an emphasis is placed on ronan's holding back, on concealing himself through refusing to act on what he feels.

all this to say! this is why it's so intentional and brilliant that the reveal of ronan's second secret culminates in his feelings for adam. in this admission, ronan's repressed sexuality becomes something with a tangible focal point. ronan has to confront his sexuality as something he can and DOES want to act on because of his attraction to adam, who is real and attainable. and to bring it back to his catholicism—this falls perfectly in line with ronan having an ingrained view of sexuality as an "inclination" that can't be changed vs. the sin being if he were to act on that inclination. it is a huuuuuuge step, then, for ronan to accept not just his desire for adam but the inevitability that he wants to act on those feelings ("it was hard not to stare at the odd and elegant lines of his face"; and in trk, "he’d let [his feelings] overflow and now there wasn’t a damn place in the ocean that wouldn’t catch fire if he dropped a match"). we don't see ronan attempt to talk himself out of who and what he is; rather, we see his indecision and hesitance when it comes to what he does and what he allows himself to do. that's why it's so impactful when ronan stops keeping his second secret from himself—and the way that reveal is informed heavily by his catholic faith adds so much additional nuance.

[howling-goldendemon]

How I'm starting to believe in Greek gods

I just wanted to share my story, including some doubts because I'm not sure about some things. I have never been a really religious person, as growing up in a very religious family, i think even having some connection to Christianity when it comes to a town near where I live.

Anyways, as I was saying, I have never been that much about beliefs, always wondering about what else could be out there waiting for me.

After all, my family said that the most important part of being human is worshipping a greater deity, specially god; I decided to try to take that in mind while searching for a religion where I could feel kind of comfortable.

Despite the taboo that it is, i started with Satanism, my reason behind it being "I'm not comfortable in what surrounds me, maybe if I try the opposite...?".

I moved on to try atheism, it didn't feel right, something was missing.

Then I tried believing in Greek gods, this being the reason because of a famous musical based on The Odyssey.

I don't know why, but this one really felt like it called me, something in Greek gods drew my attention and respect.

I tried then making my first prayer, being it to Poseidon, I still don't know if I did it right or if I chose the wrong god to start, but my ask was for clear skies on the weekend in exchange of being able to make it rain as hard as he wanted on my 18th birthday, the reason for the ask was that there was going to be a camp; in the end, the camp was moved to next week, but it did rain in my birthday and the weekend was clear skies.

I am a little ashamed of this but I ended up asking again 2 times, this time to Zeus too, as the camp was moved to another date 3 times, this time i tried my best to not be disrespectful and I promised I'd try to make something in return.

The day of the camp, I made a quick prayer to Gaea, asking for a safe travel and general safety during said camp.

As soon as I got back to school, I got cherry incense, I am still new to this and today I lit up one of the incenses.

I was going to try Aztec gods, but I ended up feeling more comfortable in Greek mythology.

I am willing to make a tiny altar for Gaea, Poseidon and Zeus, As I feel like I still need to make a proper offering to all of them, I would've thought it was coincidence and I know it's not 100% true or reliable, but the weather forecast for those weekends I asked were written with a high probability of heavy rain.

It may have been coincidence, but I like to think it was a way to receive me with open arms in this religion.

Now for the questions:

Do I need to make separate altars for each god? I don't have much space, and I don't know what my family would thing of it if I made an altar they could see, I could fit one in my closet or a tiny table in my room.

What would I do with offerings? specifically food, I cannot leave it to rot, that feels kind of wrong, but eating or throwing it out feels too disrespectful, what is the common practice when it comes to food offerings?

Am I praying correctly? I tend to pray in this way: Treat the gods like I would treat a Teacher I respect a lot, with a lot of respect and trying to not ask for too much.

Is there a guide on what to pray to which god? I just wanna show respect by believing in every Greek god, regardless of if I ask for something or not, I wanna keep doing this.

Thank you so much for reading until the end.

[stephenjaymorrisblog]

Dead Moderate in the Middle of the Road

Stephen Jay Morris

5/21/2025

©Scientific Morality.

            Ok, here is the deal. I have been hearing this cliché all my political life: “Agnostics are people who don’t want to take a concrete position on whether or not God exists.” Christians and Atheists take a position of absolutism. Those are individuals who believe in Duality. An agnostic believes in evidence and facts, not in faith. Some people have suggested that agnostics are just cowards who don’t want to take a side. This is false. It is very courageous to say, “I don’t know, unless I have the facts.” When you serve on jury duty, you must be objective. You can’t say, “God told me he/she was guilty of murder.” If their fingerprints were on the gun, then you might conclude that they are guilty.

Now that I got that crap out of the way, let’s talk about political taxonomy.

            The political spectrum in America is warped. People simply don’t know their left from their right. It’s all opinionated garbage. If you are right wing, then the left is evil. If you are left wing, the right is bad. However, it’s not as easy as that. We, in the USA, have accepted that chart. As for me? I don’t.

Certain politicians want to appeal to all voters, so they are so-called centrists. Centrism is a politically safe space. It comes off magnanimous and dignified. Unlike agnosticism, centrism is the doctrine of cowardice. It is equivocation at worst, and contradictory at best. A centrist must decide whether to wear a red cap or a blue cap. They are indecisive. So, to please everybody, they wear both. Oh, here is another meme I created: Centrism is like a big, hairy ass: You’ve got your left cheek, and you’ve got your right cheek. Then you’ve got the crack in the middle that’s full of shit.

So, why are centrists full of shit? They think of themselves as referees in a basketball game. They are the ones who reinforce the rules. If a player breaks the rules, they penalize the player. They view themselves as judges sitting on a high horse. If a seven-foot giant is bullying a four-foot dwarf, a centrist would blame both in the guise of being fair and balanced. Check out these lyrics to an old folk song that Pete Seeger used to perform:

Come all you good workers Good news to you, I'll tell you Of how the good old union Has come in here to dwell Which side are you on? Which side are you on? Which side are you on? Which side are you on? My daddy was a miner And I'm a miner's son And I'll stick with the union Til every battle's won They say in Harlan County There are no neutrals there You'll either be a union man Or a thug for J. H. Blair Oh, workers can you stand it? Oh, tell me how you can? Will you be a lousy scab Or will you be a man? Don't scab for the bosses Don't listen to their lies Us poor folks

Be a man? This is why I am pro-feminism. At any rate, feminism didn’t become part of the left until 1968.

Now back to my main point. Americans are supporting Senator Bernie Sanders and Congress member AOC. Why? Because they each stand for something. They are leftists and not ashamed of it. Some right-wing jerks and moderates, plus liberals and progressives say that Sanders and AOC are extremist leftists. If you are doing that, you are either trying to discredit them or you are extremely stupid. You see, I am an Anarchist. I am the extremist, ultra revolutionary, far leftist. You can’t get further to the left than me.

And that’s pretty cool, comrades.

[melisssg99]

Am I religious? Am I?

I've been in a bit of a weird path when it comes to religion.

My parents are atheists who had me baptized as a baby and I had my first communion as a child, both in a Roman Catholic church.

They did this because of tradition and that's what was expected of them.

They themselves didn't really have any interest in going to church or teaching me about God.

I as a child did show interest however, I wanted to know more, wear a cross and I wanted to learn more about the stories of the bible but my interests weren't encouraged.

Then later in my teens I only saw everything bad about religion. People who use the bible for their own gain, to alienate others or to use others. People who twisted the word of God to fit their own narrative or the people who saw themselves as better than others because of their religion. I believed the atheists who were full of hate and my realisation that I was bisexual and seeing the homophobia didn't help either.

I started calling myself atheist, then agnostic, then atheist again. I was filled with hate and disgust for religion.

But there was still a curiosity that I kept hidden because I felt ashamed for it as I was surrounded by atheist, "rational thinkers".

Now for about a year now I feel like I'm back to how I was a child. I have an interest. I am willing to learn more and I see the good things about religion again. Small things happened that to me felt like signs. I started praying again in private and it felt so good. It felt like a huge relief.

My rational thoughts tell me that it makes sense as prayer can work like meditation to clear your head, calm down and be present.

But I do love to believe that God is there for me, will listen and wants the best for me.

At this point I'm not sure what to call myself. An agnostic Christian maybe?

It's hard for me to even type this.

I was even scared to include a little cross icon in my bio. (♱) It's so silly but I was/am so afraid of the reaction of others. Atheist thinking bad of me or maybe other religious people who might think I'm not religious enough or don't know enough yet.

I'm somewhat forcing myself to post this so I can get used to sharing this.

To make it more real. Maybe even learn from others?

It's so weird and I feel like it's not relatable at all. Usually you'd see stories about atheist kids rebelling against their religious parents.

But I'm a grown woman, scared to come out as somewhat religious?🤭🤣

[sunkissedliterarylightofchrist]

is that a half alive reference in your bio?

YES! YES IT IS!

Thank you so much for asking me this I love this question! And you! I love half•alive, and creature is my favorite song in the whole entire world, and now I'm going to talk about it thanks for activating my gush-over-things-I-love mode :D

I love this verse. Well, I love every single vowel in this song but that's beside the point. Just mentally insert 'I love this verse' for each paragraph here please. I love the childlike wonder in wanting to discover who we are and what our purpose is. We already have a pretty good idea, we've figured a lot out about ourselves, but there's still so much more to see and discover and come to terms with, because we are complex beings. So complex in fact, that we will never know every part of ourselves objectively, which is why which is why we need someone all-knowing and all-powerful with faith infallible, with wisdom and justice and gentleness to look inside of us and judge us for exactly who we are.

And here, from the good but still limited perspective, he simply states that he's flawed! He's worn! The world is in a fallen state, we've all been blighted by the sin in the world, that tears and wears and corrupts our souls and flesh and blurs the image of who we truly are. And because of that, he is going to trust the Artist molding him and who he is, Jesus, who is higher than us and knows us, knows what's best for us, and always has our best interests in mind. He is the creator, and we are the creation, the Creature.

Then we have the ~chorus~ (I could cry its so beautiful) I am haunted and flawed both by the fallen nature of the world and by my own flesh, and marred. And I am holy and created by God, made in glory, as He chose to create me in my mother's womb, still a configuration of cells, every bit of me, I am intentional and set apart by Him, fearfully and wonderfully made. And even though life is dark and hard, and it is guaranteed that I will face incredibly difficult challenges that would break me if not for Christ, He will lead me through the valley of the shadow of death, and while it might be dark and scary, and I'm blinded what He's doing and what's going on, I will not be blinded to Him and His glory, which are ever present and ever faithful to us.

The heart is perilous. It's selfish. It wants its own ways and whims and to choose darkness. But its been twisted to be that way by our fallen nature, since the Garden when humanity chose that path. It used to be beautiful and pure and lovely, and in a sense, it still is. There is a duality, it reflects both natures. Our hearts reflect both the perfection and loveliness of the Artist, and the danger and imperfection of humanity's fallen state. We as the Creature are torn between these two things from the Fall.

Our world is dark, and it's only getting darker. But we are called to shine the light of Christ in the darkness, to be a light in dark places when all other lights go out, and to show our relationship with God to the world boldly, since we are not ashamed of the Gospel. And the world feels that. The human heart longs for Eden, longs for peace, longs for a Creator, longs for a loving Father, for a perfect world. We are called to show that Jesus is that answer to that.

We are growing through and because of Christ, always. If you are a Christian, every breath you take should be in pursuit of becoming more like and following Him. Our flesh is naturally inclined to fight to see when it's unclear because our brains and flesh are constantly yammering for knowledge, not caring if it's good or ill. But instead God tells us to be still and to put our peace and assurance in Him instead. He's got this. Our flesh and spirit are at war with each other, the haunted and holy at odds, Jesus reaching to save us from the grasp of the Devil, and He did so by dying and rising again, and bringing new life through his ultimate sacrifice. Because of this we are a sacred note in His symphony, masterfully crafted as a part of His plan, to bring hope to others and glorify God. God took dirt and created Adam, and He's created us for His purpose as well, which we can take assurance and rest and comfort in. We also take comfort and hope in looking forward to when Jesus will return and create a new heaven and a new earth, where life will grow abundantly and death will be defeated and the time for our natures to be torn between haunted and holy will be over, and we can fully have both our soul and our new physical bodies that He will craft for us utterly at His service for our good and His glory. Jesus Christ will throw Satan into the lake of fire, crushing the Evil Prince of this world with His heel, and rule the heavens and the earth, like He already rules our hearts, and will expose both the world's and our own darkness and evil, and He will win against it, making us into new creations through Him, and we will get to walk in the light of His glory and rejoice with Him forever. We have wonder in this redemption, and in the beauty of Jesus discovering us in ways we can never discover ourselves, and there are so many mysteries in life, but all of it points back to God, through us as the creature.

You bet it does.

We don't have to suffer from the darkness in our hearts, we get to turn to the Artist for peace, and are gifted to rest in that as His creature. The darkness isn't our motivation for understanding ourselves and the world, our motivation is the peace that comes from knowing we are created by a perfect God, who, when we put our faith in Him, redeems us, and for the rest of our lives and until we die and are given new bodies, will continue to do so and make us more like Him. Understanding our hearts and the mysteries of God is an exploration with childlike wonder of who He has made us each to be, rather than just trying to understand what drives us and our emotions and moods and feelings and flaws. We get to look beyond our circumstances, we have an innate desire to know our Creator. This song has so much hope and wonder in it, acknowledging the darkness as real and present and active, while clinging to Christ through it all. We get to dive into the mysteries of life and creation, knowing that we are loved and have purpose through Him. We don't fully understand. And we will never have to. We are called to seek His face, and we can trust that the answers we seek are the ones that promise new life.

†††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††

So! Back to my bio. 'I am creation both haunted and holy' I've been created by Christ, and am a creature. I'm haunted by the fallen world and my sinful flesh. And I'm holy because I've been justified by Grace alone, through Faith alone, in Christ alone. God looked inside of this mess and made a declaration about my state. In my sin and in my flesh, I am a terrible sinner. Nothing good about my by myself. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Any time I've ever tried to do anything without Him it's turned out for the worst.

BUT GOD (probably by favorite phrase in the entire Bible) gave over all of that sin and sickness to Jesus, who through His death on the cross has redeemed it and made me righteous and holy in God's sight. Not because of something that I did, but because of what Jesus did, and God transfers us the righteousness of Jesus to us when we put our faith in Him. And being justified by faith alone does not mean I'm saved because I have faith, but rather that faith is the means that I cling to Christ. I'm saved through the grace of God. And it's in Christ alone because we can't ever become righteous by ourselves ever, even if we had the rest of our lives to, we NEED Jesus to intercede for us. We are both sinners and righteous because of Jesus, both haunted and holy, made in glory. But then when we have faith to cling to, it utterly changes our lives and our hearts, and pushes us to do good works through, for, and because of Him, from now until the end of time.

That line, 'I am creation both haunted and holy' is the entire Gospel message in a single sentence. It's masterfully written. I thank the Artist for it.

This song is so beautiful. And I just took a crack at the lyrics, the instrumentals and Josh's vocals are insanely incredible. Max headphone greatness for this song. And every version of it is utterly lovely. But the orchestral one from In Florescence is my favorite. Sounds like a hymnal arrangement being played in a cathedral.

[jaychrilo1144]

Ramble Post 02487291

Topic: ✨ Loudly homosexual ✨

So growing up I was a closeted lesbian raised in a conservative Christian (almost calvinist) household, so my highschool years were full of me unlearning a shit ton of things I was taught especially after I was a jr Bible camp counselor for a summer (that's a whole different story I may diverge on later). Since middle school, I knew I was at least bisexual (no bi slander here, this was just a part of my own journey.) and I would tell people that too. But being I was surrounded by other religious people who were tolerant enough, though not fully accepting, towards gay people, I found myself saying things like “Yeah I do have some attraction to girls, but it's not like it's my whole personality. I don't understand those who identify so deeply with that, like there's more to me than my attractions. I don't understand pride fests because there's so much more to me than this one thing and pride is a sin.”…..

Yeah. We were ✨ brainwashed ✨ to say the least.

Now I am in my 20 and full identifying (still closeted to family) lesbian. And there's a few things I've noticed. 1) though yes I am more than just my sexuality, whatever, but saying that to myself brought SO much internalized shame even if I am not ashamed of being gay. 2)I think I finally realize why people are so, how I used to say, “loud” about it. Generations of oppression and now we have a chance to fight for our rights, yes. On a personal perspective though, I realize that I have spent… Almost 10 years pushing down and shaming any emotion of mine. Suppressed my love, my joy, my interests, like up until maybe 3 years ago, I didn't realize how much being gay was a part of my life. Queer culture is a part of my life. The music, the style, how we love, how we interact, the sense of community, the shared traumas, the history. And now I'm in a place in my life where I am ready to embrace parts of me that I didn't allow myself to explore. And I don't want to feel like I have to hide it.

So I'm realizing now, just HOW MUCH I want to be heard and seen. I'm understanding the people I knew who were so ‘loud’ about it. I want people to know I'm gay. I don't want to have to come out to every person I know, I just want to Be and for people to Know. I have spent my whole life hiding and being quiet about it and now I want it to consume me! I think I owe it to all the versions of me I knew.

There's the catch. I don't feel the need to hide it anymore, but I have to for my own sake. Right now, I still live at home with my parents bc why the FUCK is rent so astronomical and I get paid nada lol. So everyday I feel like I'm toeing the line of a cliff, pushing the boundary to see how far I can reveal myself until they look at me and realize that a world with me married to a man does not, and will never, exist. I keep telling myself, once I get a car, once I get a car it will all be better. I can be free to be in spaces that aren't at home. And that thought has given me some comfort.

Idrk what else to say about this but maybe others can understand? Thanks for listening 💛

[liesinmyeyes]

hey, so I'm a new pagan witch and one who has barely practiced anything yet/ has only like 10 pages filled in their book of shadows

i am seeking advice on what to do with myself and my craft and practices, or just hoping someone has felt/currently feels the same way I do because I'm the only pagan witch I know irl and have no one to tell this to.

practicing witchcraft makes me anxious? I haven't really done anything aside from wearing crystal necklaces and sleeping with an amethyst below my pillow, but i'm lowkey afraid to do much more than that because whenever I do research across the internet (don't worry, I don't only take one pinterest source at face value, I make sure to look at other sources on the internet and always check with multiple witchy forums/threads or just simply history sources if the practice is closed/appropriated or should be done as a beginner) - but here is my issue. There's soooo many sources on the internet that tell you so many differing opinions. Some sources will say "NO WAY DON'T EVER DO THAT" while others will go "it's okay and totally safe". I haven't ever read a book abt witchcraft because I know how much TERF-y and culturally appropriate-y agendas they have and the amount of misinformation in a lot of them. I almost got radicalized once before and I told myself "never again", so i'm too afraid to pick up a book half the witches praise for being so good and accurate and half condemn for including TERF bs. I know I should form my own opinions on magic(k) and how I percieve witchcraft but i just get this BOUT of anxiety whenever I see a post anywhere on the internet saying "DONT EVER DO THAT AS A WITCH" or something along those lines... i can never tell what's just gatekeepy fear-mongering and what's an actual closed/dangerous practice anymore and it makes me too afraid to pursue anything because I fear bad things happening to me more than anything. I think it's a side effect of my neurodivergent self wanting to be told exactly what I can and can't do (considering my ethnic identity) and how and when to do it, what moral code to abide by, which is a tough ask in something like witchcraft.

i often feel swayed and get these bouts of guilt for NOT being christian. I grew up areligious in a very christian country with an added sprinkle of shaming people for being religious (which i dont agree with obvs). When I was agnostic and not giving any thought to religion at all, it was fine and dandy. But now that I identify myself as a pagan who worships the greek gods, I often feel, idk, ashamed of it? I'm friends with some very devout christian gals and whenever they talk about going to church or getting their sins forgiven I just feel so guilty and kind of like I'm sinning myself. I feel like I shouldn't be believing in the Gods and should be christian instead, even though SO many of my world views don't align with christianity's teachings and frankly, I don't want to be christian? I want the Gods to be real and I want to worship them. But I often doubt my faith in them and feel the guilt of not being christian like everyone else in my country. Is this a faith issue? On some days I won't doubt the Gods existing at all and feel all happy and uplifted and sure in my faith and on other days I'll be sitting around all day, questioning all my morals and beliefs and questioning whether I'm going to hell for praying to the greek gods. Maybe it's because of all my sorroundings (multiple churches in my town, Jesus statues everywhere, very christian friends) that I feel that way, but if anyone could tell me how to stop these thoughts I'd give ANYTHING to do that. (Not that there's anything wrong with christianity or finding comfort in it, its just that whenever I think about it I get anxious because the concept of eternal torture just for enjoying life on earth scares me. On the other hand, I DO find comfort in worshiping the greek gods. I feel more beautiful, inspired to write, so on and so forth...)

[sunshine-tattoo]

So I work in a 2nd grade class and today I got to tell the story of Hanukkah.

The children (who are all gentiles of some sort except one lad who is Hindu) gathered around and listened, enraptured as I told them about the miracle of this little community kicking out these imperialistic invaders and preserving their victory in a story of light.

And it got me thinking about Palestine.

There have been more than a few Jews in my city lately who have used Hanukkah as propaganda for their genocide against the Palestinian people.

"The Greeks invaded our land and we heroically kicked them out! Just as the Israeli government must drive away the Palestinians from our lands!"

But... thats not actually why the Hanukkah story is important.

The Greeks had been the Hebrew people's neighbors for years and freely traded with them.

We exchanged goods and ideas and traditions.

It was only when the Greek King Antiochus IV decided that the Hebrew's lands must belong to him alone, and that the Hebrews could only live by his peoples' customs, that we rose up.

He desecrated our cities and massacred thousands of innocents.

And I guarantee if bombs and guns were around back then he would have used them relentlessly.

Yet. We fought on. Because this was our home and we would not see its fall.

And we won! A miracle of miracles that this band of shepards drove out the greatest army to yet ever live.

In today's world Israel is no longer the Maccabee resistance.

They are the Greeks.

They are funded by the most powerful militaries in the world and force all peoples in their borders (regardless of creed) to live as they demand.

And when someone has had enough, when someone says no, they attack with no regard for innocence or preservation of human life.

Because to them, Palestinian lives mean nothing.

As Hanukkah approaches this year, I am keeping the Palestinian people in my thoughts.

What would the ancient Hebrews say about the barbarism their descendants are committing against people (plenty of them Jews themselves) who only wish to live freely in the only home they have ever known?

What would they say to Benjamin Netanyahu, who is currently persecuting thousands of his own people because they refuse to fight in his army and massacre their neighbors?

Ans what would they think of their holy land now? Once a beacon of hope against Greece's imperialism, now the lapdog of the west's militarily industrial war machine?

I think that they would be ashamed.

I think they would slap the Israeli soldiers across the face and spit on them.

"This is what we fought for?! We risked everything so that our children could grow to be peaceful scholars! Not dogs of war for some faraway kingdom!"

I don't pray very often and sometimes I'm not sure about my relationship with God.

But lately I pray for a new Hanukkah miracle.

One where the brave Palestinians can throw off the decades-old shackles placed on them by the Israeli government.

Where Jews, Muslims, Christians, and anyone else who calls Gaza home can create a government together where everyone is welcome.

And most importantly, where their children can grow up happy and loved, without fear of bombs or guns or soldiers.

“Oseh shalom bimromav. Hu ya’aseh shalom aleinu. V’al kol Yisrael V’imru.”

From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free. 🇵🇸✊🏾

[morlock-holmes]

"I am just having all anti-semites shot."

Friedrich Nietzche's last letter to Franz Overbeck

So, anon, and I think @weiszklee as well, I wrote a very scattered and rambling objection to that philosophytube video , but I find Nietzche intensely fascinating, so I wanted to return and make a more systematic objection.

This is incredibly long. I cannot bring myself to edit it, but it contains very specific objections with citations to things Nietzsche actually said.

The more I read the transcript of that video the clearer it was that it would leave any viewer utterly misinformed about Nietzsche. The attacks on him constitute genuine intellectual malpractice.

So, first, I am not an expert on Nietzche, but I have fairly recently read the two specific books that Thorn cites in the video, Beyond Good and Evil and The Genealogy of Morals (Both translated by Walter Kaufmann.

Also, I probably should have finished the video before commenting, but I found the attacks on Nietzche so absurd that I just couldn't continue. I have since finished the video.

I don't think Thorn's summary of master and slave morality is quite right, particularly in terms of what Nietzche found interesting about the dichotomy, but I'm going to leave that aside for a moment, because making that argument would be hard. Instead I'm going to focus on the attacks Thorn mounts to indicate that Nietzche was "not woke".

And actually, I want to start with what Thorn is trying to demonstrate.

As I said before demonstrating that Nietzche was "not woke" simply through the text of Beyond Good and Evil and The Genealogy of Morals is actually a really trivial endeavor.

Nietzche is deeply illiberal, he opposes both democracy in general and specifically equal rights for women.

His sexism in Beyond Good and Evil is shocking in its banality:

Since the French Revolution, woman's influence in Europe has decreased proportionately as her rights and claims have increased; and the "emancipation of woman," insofar as that is demanded and promoted by women themselves (and not merely shallow males) is thus seen to be an odd symptom of the increasing weakening and dulling of the most feminine instincts. There is stupidity in this movement, an almost masculine stupidity of which a woman who had turned out well — and such women are always prudent — would have to be thoroughly ashamed.

Beyond Good and Evil, Section 239

Nietzsche, otherwise a deeply, fiercely original thinker expresses a view on women that is entirely conventional in its sexism. This material is rather dull and, in my opinion not particularly germane to the other arguments in Beyond Good and Evil but there is quite a lot of it.

Nietzsche's illiberalism and his attacks on "Equality of rights" are actually quite integral to his thinking, on the other hand, to the point where it is hard to find a demonstrative quote that is pithy. His belief in rankings of men and his skepticism of ideas of equality are so embedded in his thinking that I can't really find one that can be cut out without including paragraphs of argumentation that would only lead down tangents.

So take my word for it or read those two books yourself.

So, demonstrating that Nietzsche's non-wokeness is fairly trivial, but Thorn has a slightly different project, which is demonstrating Nietzsche's compatibility with Nazism.

This is actually very, very hard to do.

Let's start with Thorn's assertion that

"Nietzsche criticises Christianity a lot, but a lot of his criticism is saying that Christianity is a vehicle for Jewish people to trick everyone and take over the world."

Here's Nietzsche, in Beyond Good and Evil, section 251:

That the Jews, if they wanted it— or if they were forced into it, which seems to be what the anti-Semites want — could even now have preponderance, indeed quite literally mastery over Europe, that is certain; that they are not working and planning for that is equally certain. Meanwhile they want and wish rather, even with some importunity, to be absorbed and assimilated by Europe; they long to be fixed, permitted, respected somewhere at long last, putting an end. to the nomads' life, to the "Wandering Jew"; and this bent and impulse (which may even express an attenuation of the Jewish instincts) should be noted well and accommodated: to that end it might be useful and fair to expel the anti-Semitic screamers from the country.

Italics in the original.

Nietzsche, far from understanding Christianity as a vehicle for the Jews to trick people and take over the world, overtly argues the opposite in the plainest language imaginable. And I see no reason why his private notes should take precedence over his published work, supposing that they even say what Thorn claims.

Thorn mentions the Genealogy, where Nietzsche says, but way of example,

"It was the Jews who, with awe-inspiring consistency dared to invert the aristocratic value-equation (good = noble = powerful = beautiful = happy = beloved of God) and so hang on to this inversion with their teeth, the teeth of the most abysmal hatred (the hatred of impotence), saying "the wretched alone are the good; the poor, impotent, lowly are the good; the suffering, deprived, sick, ugly alone are pious, alone are blessed by God, blessedness is for them alone - and you, the powerful and noble, are on the contrary the evil, the cruel, the lustful, the insatiable, the godless to all eternity; and you shall be in all eternity the unblessed, accursed and damned!" ... One knows who inherited this Jewish revaluation ... In connection with the the tremendous and immeasurably fateful initiative provided by the Jews through this most fundamental of all declarations of war, I recall the proposition I arrived at on a previous occasion ( Beyond Good and Evil, section 195) - That with the Jews there begins the slave revolt in morality: that revolt which has a history of two thousand years behind it and which we no longer see because it - has been victorious."

Thorn objects that you cannot take this as metaphor, and my response would be section 16 of the same essay:

Let us conclude. The two opposing values "good and bad," "good and evil" have been engaged in a fearful struggle on earth for thousands of years; and though the latter value has certainly been on top for a long time, there are still places where the struggle is as yet undecided. One might even say it has risen ever higher and thus become more and more profound and spiritual: so that today there is perhaps no more decisive mark of a "higher nature", a more spiritual nature, than that of being divided in this sense and a genuine battleground of these opposed values. The symbol of this struggle, inscribed in letters legible across all human history, is "Rome against Judea, Judea against Rome"

And my question would be, okay, what is Rome here?

Nietszche, a few paragraphs later, says that the Rennaisance was a resurgence of Rome, which was then crushed by a resurgence of Judea in the Protestant Reformation.

This is not metaphor; Nietzsche is in quite serious opposition with (certain) Jewish religious sentiments; most simply he is an atheist but he also has serious objections to the Jewish religion, and he believes that the value system that underlies that religion now dominates European thought and culture.

But this is not the same as saying that he believes that free thinkers, or protestants are merely the dupes of some absurd Protocols of the Elders of Zion conspiracy.

Because he certainly doesn't imagine that the Rennaisance was caused by a secret group of literal classical Romans manipulating things behind the scenes.

When he says that the Rennaisance was the triumph of Rome he means (What he takes to be) Roman values, not Roman people. This is obvious to us when he speaks of Rome, and my argument would be that this should be our interpretation when he speaks of Judea in the same passage.

Thorn says that Nietzsche believes in Eugenics, although she does not say where he expresses this belief and I think she should explain, because Nietzsche does not believe in Darwin's theories, so I'm simply unsure what she means.

Thorn says,

Here's a quote from Nietzsche's book, "Beyond Good and Evil." "A capacity for philosophy- taking that word in its great sense- one has only by virtue of one's origins; one's ancestors, one's blood decide here, too." Here's a quote from his book, "The Gay Science."

"Behind the highest value judgments that have hitherto guided to the history of thought, there are concealed misunderstandings of the physical constitution- of individuals or classes or even whole races. All those bold insanities of metaphysics, especially answers to the question about the value of existence, may always be considered, first of all, as the symptoms of certain bodies." So here, Nietzsche is saying that your values, the things that we are supposed to transform, comes down to what race you are, which he thinks is a biological category

Yeah neither of those quotes actually say that.

Also, can I just say that I wish Thorn would cite sources a little bit more carefully? Specifically because Nietzsche's books are divided into tiny sections that are all numbered. The specific section of Beyond Good and Evil she quotes is section 213, and the paragraph immediately preceding it states:

"Ultimately, there is an order of rank among states of the soul and the order of rank of problems accords with this. The highest problems repulse everyone mercilessly who dares approach them without being predestined for their solution by the height and power of his spirituality. What does it avail when nimble smarties or clumsy solid mechanics and empiricists push near them, as is common today, trying with their plebeian ambition to enter the "court of courts." Upon such carpets coarse feet may never step; the primeval law of things takes care of that; the doors remain closed to such obtrusiveness, even if they crash and crush their heads against them."

You will notice, here, that Nietzche is not comparing different races, but rather different approaches to thought. At no point in section 213 does Nietzsche compare races of people. Chasing down this quote did lead me to a note by Walter Kaufmann, asserting that Nietszche believed in the Lamarckian theory that acquired traits could be passed down to offspring. I don't know for sure that this is true, but if so it torpedoes any idea of Nietzsche believing in "Eugenics" in the sense of a racial destiny.

The second quote is from the second preface to The Gay Science, and in context Thorn's reading is... Okay I think her interpretation of section 213 of Beyond Good and Evil is incorrect, her interpretation of that quote from the Gay Science is perverse.

This attack has become interminable, so I won't quote the entire preface at you, look it up, read it, and tell me with a straight face that Nietzsche is talking about how certain races are biologically incapable of philosophy. That reading is genuinely appalling, like, deeply discrediting to anybody advancing it.

To summarize why: Nietzsche is talking about his own thoughts there.

You know, I started this with a spirit of generosity, that I had been too hard on Thorn, but as I read further into the transcript we're moving from misinterpretations of Nietzsche to what I would even consider outright lies.

Thorn:

It follows then, that if you are a White Aryan, then you can value good things and you can transform yourself. Whereas if you are pretty much anybody else, especially Jewish, then you are essentially, morally, spiritually, and biologically diseased.

I have never seen Nietzsche argue any such thing and the few quotes Thorn provides do not even come close to saying that.

Among other things, Nietzsche really, really, really thinks that Germans are dunderheads. The amount of opposition Nietzsche shows to German thought in Beyond Good and Evil utterly dwarfs his opposition to Jewish thought. If you read the rest of Beyond Good and Evil's section 251 Nietzsche claims that German intolerance of the Jews is what happens when a lesser race, (i.e. the Germans) feel they might be swept away by a greater race (i.e. the Jews) and that the best hope to improve Germany and Europe in general is to integrate the Jews into the upper classes.

Good lord. I have been writing forever and I haven't even gotten to my main point, which is the risible suggestion that Nietzsche's criticism of Anti-Semites was merely a personal grudge.

Nietzsche did hate the Anti-Semites, and he did criticise them publicly, but not 'cause of any of that stuff! The real reason was much funnier and much more petty. Nietzsche's publisher was part of the Anti-Semite movement, and we know from his private letters that Nietzsche thought his publisher wasn't selling enough of his books, because he was spending too much time on that. So that's why he didn't like them. Also, Nietzsche's sister, Elisabeth, married a guy named Bernhard Forster, who was big in the Anti-Semite movement. And Nietzsche didn't like that Bernhard was coming between him and his sister, so he criticised them for that.

This is, well, Horseshit. Nietzsche did, at least as far as I know, harbor all those grudges. I was trying to think of a metaphor to explain it.

Okay, take someone who is in many ways Nietzsche's opposite, Martin Luther King Jr.

Imagine somebody said, "Martin Luther King Jr. only complained about the Vietnam war because a soldier insulted him once."

The idea is insulting, right? The man spoke, eloquently, about how his own religious and philosophical commitments led him to his position. Saying something like that would deny King the dignity of explaining his own position, it would eliminate his arguments not through refutation but through simple refusal to acknowledge that they exist.

Well, the same is true here for Nietzsche. Let us see what he has to say about Anti-Semites in On The Genealogy of Morals:

Second Essay, section 11

Here a word in repudiation of attempts that have lately been made to seek the origin of justice in quite a different sphere- Namely in that of ressentiment. To the psychologists first of all, presuming they would like to study ressentiment close up for once, I would say: this plant blooms best today among anarchists and anti-Semites- where it has always bloomed, in hidden places, like a violet, though with a different odor. And as like must always produce like, it causes us no surprise to see a repetition in such circles of attempts often made before- see above, section 14- to sanctify revenge under the name of justice- as if justice were at bottom merely a further development of the feeling of being aggrieved- and to rehabilitate not only revenge but all reactive affects in general.

One should also consult the Third Essay, sections 14 and 26.

Nietzsche's criticism of the anti-Semites is not incidental to his philosophy. On The Genealogy of Morals is extremely concerned with ressentiment, and in particular with exactly what he mentions here, attempts to sanctify revenge under the name of justice.

This is key to his criticism of slave morality, or Judea. He believes that it is fundamentally reactive, and essentially incapable of independent action. The anti-semites disguise grievance and fantasies of infinite vengeance (Which became the most horrifying realities imaginable) as justice and morality. He understands this as profoundly dangerous, which, well, it was.

I'm not claiming he felt this way out of pity for the Jews, Nietzsche was deeply suspicious of pity, but his attacks on the anti-Semites and the general danger they pose to Nietzsche's values are far more integral to his philosophy than his attacks on, say, women or Jews.

[dean-belongs-with-lisa]

K-Pop Demon Slayers and growing up as a Queer Christian

Before I start, I want to acknowlegde that I have no idea if this is what the creators of the movie were going for, but this is what I took away from the movie and why it really resonated for me

I'm going to be talking about a lot of later scenes, so if you click the read more, you will be getting spoilers.

From the very beginning, we're shown that Rumi has been taught to hide who (and what) she is, which sets up the metaphor for queerness in general and being in the closet. Rumi doesn't go to the bathhouse because then her friends would see her patterns mirrors the experience of those who experience same sex attraction being in bathhouses, changing rooms, etc. If I'm never in a situation where my true self will show, then its easier to hide.

Despite the setup, I didn't actually notice the metaphor until the scene at the tree with Celine and Rumi.

Rumi shows up at the tree, clearly in need of help. clearly in need of reassurance and love. and what she receives instead is Celine telling her to cover up what, who she is in order to fix it.

Now this scene mirrors a 'well-meaning' adult telling a queer youth to stay in the closet. It'll be safer, you won't lose any friends, etc etc.

I relate to Rumi in this scene for a very different reason. I'm asexual, probably also on the aromantic spectrum as well, and I didn't realize that I was ace until my senior year of highschool. I also grew up Christian, going to a Baptist church every Sunday morning and evening and most Wednesday nights. The way homophobia and queerphobia in general is hammered into you as a Christian is so hard to describe. So when I realized that I was ace, I at first thought it wasn't a big deal. I mean, no one had noticed until that point, so I can just keep pretending, right? I can just keep covering up my patterns, right?

And then I went to college. Look, my highschool friends were all great and very accepting. But theres something about being in a different location, being surrounded by different accepting people that can sometimes help you realize things.

So, like Rumi interacting with Jinu helped her realize that being a demon wasn't her fault and also didn't make her (or Jinu) bad by default, being around different queer people helped me realize that I had nothing to be ashamed of.

Now during college, when I returned home for the summer and winter breaks, I would continue to go to church to keep up appearances and the make my family happy. And I slowly started realizing that these people I had grown up with my whole life would never accept me that way I really am.

The moment I actually had that realization was when my pastor was giving a sermon during Pride Month about "the real meaning of the rainbow". He and his wife were even wearing shirts with a rainbow and the title of his sermon on them. Thats the first time I vividly had the thought of "these people don't know the real me, and if they did they would hate me." Rumors had similar thoughts during the writing of Takedown. I mean her voice always breaks after saying the word hatred. Her friends didn’t know it but they wrote a song that confirmed her worst fears.

Rumi has a similar realization about Celine here in the tree scene, asking Celine "why can't you look at me? Why couldn't you love me?". And when Celine says she does, Rumi responds with "all of me". Because if you really love someone, you wouldn't tell them to cover up and hide who they are. Its very subtle, but Celine wouldn't even touch Rumi in this scene. How can you claim to love someone if you can't even touch them??? Celine couldn’t even look at her!!!

I did recently come out to my family and people in my former church via a facebook post, and my pastors comments where focused on the churchs image, and my dads text responses were grateful I was living a "chaste lifestyle". When I asked my mom if she had seen the post during a phone call, she said she had but "you know I don't approve of that".

People will claim to love you while trying to tell you to hide who you are. Cover up your patterns. Wear turtlenecks. Don't go to the bathhouse. As long as the lie is believeable. As long as you don't harm the public image. As long as your faults and fears remain unseen.

As long as...

As long as...

As long as...

But no, there's no "as long as". I'm glad the movie ends on a happy note, because the right people will accept you. My friends don't accept me "as long as x". They just accept me. They see the beauty in the broken glass. You can't control who you grew up around. But you can control who you surround yourself with now. Find people who see the beauty in the broken glass, the darkness and the harmony. Find people who accept you. They are out there

[crowroboros]

samuel ayers analimean analysis

I'm going to hold off on going too in-depth with Sam cause I really want to wait until TSR has a bit more content in all of its routes, just so I can really take a look at his whole character arc across the VN. I'm also not caught up with the most recent updates, so I'm not the most familiar with where his character stands currently in Nik's route (which the past few updates has been focused on from what I've heard). Spoilers for both The Smoke Room and Echo.

Samuel Ayers I find very interesting. Compared to Chase or Cameron—both of whom express a dislike of religion and a distaste for letting it influence how they live their lives— Sam really does live and die by his beliefs. There are so many times where we hear Sam's monologue in which he talks down to himself as if he himself is "tarnished" or "sinful". I do think part of this is a result from him murdering Jack in the mines as one of the first things he convinces himself of is that Satan is with him in the mines and is ready to drag him to hell for killing the guy. Now, I'm not religious nor am I familiar with the Christian God so I cannot and will not comment on the objectiveness of Sam's views but it's clear that Sam sees the Christian God as something to be feared. It creates an interesting dynamic in which Sam often grapples with his actions and sexuality and other things deemed "sinful" while also being a very self-serving person. His motivations throughout TSR aren't tied to anyone but himself, and what he agrees to in every route is ultimately focused on getting himself far away from Echo. That's the whole reason he went into sex work in the first place, to get money to head further westward (after failing in the mines). And with being gay being heavily stigmatized and outright dangerous, especially in a very Christian area, it adds yet another layer of self-loathing to Sam. Though in terms of sexuality, he doesn't seem to dislike himself due to his same-sex attraction but rather due to his work. I don't ever remember him being ashamed of being into men or anything, though he often refers to himself "whore" in a derogatory way. Overall, in terms of religion, Sam seems so wary towards his own beliefs and the idea of a God. With him both wanting to achieve his own happiness and goals but being terrified—if not outright convinced—that what awaits him is eternal damnation.

Sort of related to that is the way Sam almost justifies the way he seems to be trapped in Echo as if it is something he deserves. He desperately wants to get the hell away from Echo and his old life, to the point of being openly bitter and melancholic when thinking about the town and his life up to that point, and yet he really does seem to think that it is just how things are meant to be for him. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy when taking Echo into consideration. In Echo's timeline, he doesn't leave the town and dies there slowly and painfully. And then the Samulation lives on in Echo for decades after that, continuing the town's cyclical nature. I think that this is in part due to Sam's aforementioned views on himself in the context of his religious beliefs. With how much he sees himself as "sinful" it makes sense that he'd justify the shitty things that happen to him as part of some "divine punishment". Speaking of the Samulation. I think it's a pretty good look into Sam's bitterness towards the world and the situation he finds himself in. Cause it does reflect a lot of Sam's personality—his sarcastic humor, his aloofness, the bitterness I mentioned—but it lacks a lot of what makes Sam nuanced. Sam is all those things, yes, but he is also rather accommodating and agreeable as well. Sam has this almost naive outlook and tends to romanticize things he hopes for. That's part of why he fell for Jack's scheme so easily and so quickly. But the Samulation lacks that. It has his memories, but it isn't very multi-faceted. This part is more of a theory than an analysis but I think it manifested like that due to the circumstances of Sam's death: Mangled and crushed under the weight of Mr. Bronson's van in a town that he hates. What a shitty way to die. If somehow, through the supernatural nature of the town, a simulation of Sam managed to live on after his death, it makes the most sense to me that it would mostly take the form of his mind in his last moments. All of the other aspects of Sam's personality wouldn't be present while he dies in such an agonizing way, but his anger and bitterness towards the world—towards Echo—probably would. Again though, just an idea. It isn't confirmed. I just wondered why the Samulation was both so similar to Sam yet much more aggressive and spiteful than the Sam we see. That could be why.

I'm going to stop this post here. Again, TSR isn't finished yet so I don't want to go too deep into Sam's character cause his development isn't done yet. So his relationship with other characters and the overall narrative and how it all shapes him will have to wait. I definitely will make a part 2 to this in the future cause this guy has a lot going for him.

[justablogger234]

So,

after witnessing and hearing about the mocking, humiliation and overall utter disrespect of Christianity and Christians today (especially today in this time) it kind of kickstarted me into wanting to write this. Now most of my online friends know that I am a Christian believer and even though they themselves are not with the exception of one. They are quite respectful when it comes to that.

Now I don't usually or typically ever like to make posts about Christianity, not because I'm ashamed or embarrassed but because I don't want to be hypocritical and also because it makes it seem like I'm trying to draw attention to myself by proclaiming my faith. The lord knows my beliefs and my love for him and the son and my faith in the holy spirit so I don't necessarily feel the need to shout it to the whole online world, but like I said, certain events kind of motivated me to make this.

Now to the real point of this post.

JESUS IS LORD.

CHRIST IS KING.

FOREVER AND EVER.

AMEN.

[atinyjedi]

Been thinking lately.

Did that thing that I do where I fancy someone's work so I try to learn as much as I can about them and inevitably fall "in love" with them. Trent Reznor. I've been listening to him / Nine Inch Nails for 11 years. A small portion of NIN's existence, but about 40-ish percent of my life, significant. So, this was a bit surprising to experience out of nowhere. I mean, not entirely out of the blue: NIN announced a tour, so I bought tickets for September so I can FINALLY see them and obviously started listening more heavily to prepare. And the thing happened, of course. It always does. It's a form of euphoria when I feel it coming on. "This person creates or puts something out into the world it sets my soul on fire. I love you, person!"

I like that I always have new things to learn from people I fall for in this way. New parts of my being that are reached. Just want to establish that. On the outside, I may look fickle. Maybe there's some truth to that. "Who you like changes with the wind" is something I was told once that has stuck with me. Do I fixate when I feel that connection? Unequivocally. But I feel that I have a lot of love to give. And a lot to learn from people I respect. I'll never be ashamed of how frequent or hard I fall "in love" with the best of a human. Even if it is an untouchable artist or actor or any other person who is objectively out of reach. They're human. I can know them through their art and what they put out into the world. I am a collection of the gifts I've been given across endless unique individuals. They don't cease to exist when I feel a connection to someone else. They all comprise the pieces of me. That is beautiful. That is mine. I won't be shamed for it.

Now, to spill my thoughts I originally wanted to express. I read a tidbit from an article that says something along the lines of "Girls love Trent Reznor because they want to be Trent Reznor. They relate to him. They know what it's like to be angry, despondent, lost, and want to scream and not have an outlet to do so. They want to fuck him, because he's fucking beautiful, but they also want to be him."

And it knocked the wind out of me. I think I gravitate (romantically? artistically? humanistically?) to people who embody traits of who I am - but particularly who I want to be. Maybe this is part of why I'm attracted to older men. They've typically reconciled on some critical level who they are. They can hold the various parts of themselves without the judgment, insecurity, or pressure that comes from youth. That's sexy. That's appealing.

Trent's lyrics and performances have always taken me aback. From the first time I heard him. I remember listening to those first few songs at 16 saying "Shit. This is dark." I didn't have a relationship with darkness. I grew up in a Christian household. Darkness was the proverbial enemy, so I didn't spend time with it when it crept into me. But pushing it down doesn't dispell it. I felt a degree of darkness, I just didn't have the tools to express it. To see someone do it so honestly and so raw was like being hit by a freight train. I didn't know you could know your darkness this intimately or express your feelings about it in such an eloquent and soul-bearing way.

When I first discovered Nine Inch Nails as a teenager, I clung to the songs that held the saddest parts of me. A Warm Place. Lights in the Sky. Every Day is Exactly the Same. Even Deeper. These guided me through clinical depression, anxiety, ideation, and my first steps into becoming an adult - mess and all. Then, in 2022, after the culmination of a period of narcissistic abuse, a failed relationship, and the death of my grandmother, I started feeling anger at a frequency and intensity that terrified me. Enter Terrible Lie. Enter Only. Enter Sin. I related to this music in an entirely different dimension, and it helped me navigate these new, uncomfortable emotions.

I'm 27 now, and I've found myself listening to music of his I hadn't previously. I'm gleaming new meanings. New reactions. New expressions. I'm revisting the old ones - ones that feel like embracing an old friend, reflecting on what they've meant to me and how they still reside in me. And I'm exploring the new ones - the ones I haven't created those relationships with, the ones I'm still deriving my personal meaning from. They'll come with me too.

I deeply appreciate that I can relate to a younger, angry, lonely and sad version of him, and I absolutely cherish that I can relate to the older, happier, stabler version of him too - one that still has problems, just different problems, and healthier ways of coping and quantifying them. I can hold these two together. His music fills different voids in me. They can shape my life in equally important ways. And they continue to do so.

Thank you, Trent, for sharing your soul with us. 💕

[lostinvasileios]

Hey so, I'm sorry if this is intrusive since I haven't seen you post a lot about this but could you say what your experience with Yeshua or Jesus has been like so far? I left catholicism a long time ago, but I feel strangely called to him no matter what I do. And I don't like the church, I don't like the bible, but I want to oddly accept this feeling and see what happens with him now that I am out of my old abusive home and forced religion.

-☁️

Hello, bumblebee! It's not intrusive at all, I was planning on posting about them sooner or later, actually! Thanks for sending in your ask. 🍄🤍

Firstly, congratulations on getting out of that!! I'm so glad you made it out alright and trying to heal those wounds.

Now, I want you to know - you don't need to connect with churches or bibles to worship Yeshua, to communicate with him, ect. And, I get it - I never personally liked churches, I never felt any sparking connections to the bible, and - this all played its parts in my falling out with him at first.

I'm queer, and that alone was called filthy, or impure. Seen as something to be ashamed of and try to hide or tame. My gender identity and sexuality/romantic preferences have always been spoken about with hatred, judgement, or just blatant intolerance by my family & the religious leaders I was around at the time.

I didn't want anything to do with Yeshua when I left the religion. I couldn't get myself to face him, since I felt like he intentionally ignored me. Like he truly, heartfully hated me as much as everyone said he did.

But, one night, very very early into my journey... He appeared to me. And, at first - I was... Really shaky about it. I was super... Um... Emotional. To put it lightly, haha. I had a lot of conflicting thoughts, feelings, ect.

But, despite how angry, how sad, how - everything, I felt during that time, I remember how calm he was with me. How patient and understanding. Yeshua never cursed me, he never yelled, he never spoke to me with anger or any sort of negativity. He was, and is, very adamant on telling me that my identity, everything about who I am, is beautiful to him. How much he loves me, every part of me. How I am not a sinful creature, how I am not some mistake in a code to write out or bended metal to fix, yet a beloved soul he holds very dear to him.

Even after knowing how he felt about me, I still had issues really... Letting him in. I've never had a good relationship with any father figures I've had, and I didn't have a good relationship with him either. The reason I bring up father figures here, is because I found out quite quickly through my soul self that - well - Yeshua does take on the role of a father figure for us. He's spoused to my soul, he truly does care for me. He loves me, he wants to be there for me, to protect and reassure me. And that was hard to grasp for a long while.

In my own UPG of him, I've found out a lot of him. Of his troubled past, of his regrets, his traumas. He's been through a lot. And, he put in a shitload of work to try and heal from everything he was put through as a young god to where he is now. He knows he's hurt many people, he knows people use him to hurt others, he knows he's unfairly been put on to a higher shelf to the mass public. And he wants to make up for it. He wants to be that god I saw him as before I went through the incidents that caused me to fall out in the first place.

As of late, I've been trying to ease my way into him more. I've accepted him, but it can still be rocky for me at times. I crave for his love, and I know he craves for mine, as well. He's been trying to allow me to know just how much he loves me, with poetry and deep discussions on any and everything I was/am curious about. Gifts, affections, ect. But... Unlearning the church, and relearning Yeshua is difficult. He knows this. He went through the same things in his own variants.

You also don't need to be Christian or anything to worship him. He knows I am not Christian, and still very much loves me and accepts me. He isn't a forceful guy, not for the most part. Since, yes, he's healed a lot of his old ways and trauma habits, but he, like any god or soul at all, he can have his darker sides. Just as he can have his wholesome ones.

I've come to see he's also queer. Which is nice. We talk about our husbands/wives together over a nice glass of wine sometimes - whenever we aren't sobbing in each others arms about things.

[doing-something-unholy]

Father Adrian, there's something I've wanted to admit for a long time, but I've never dared to say it out loud.

Please forgive me for all the unholy words that will come out of my disgusting mind, but they must. I was raised Catholic, I pray as often as I can, I cherish our Lord and Saviour and I do everything I can to help our Church, I promise you, Father.

But the thing is, for the last few months I've been having terrible, unholy thoughts. I prayed even more, I did everything I could to be devoted to God, but nothing works. I am so ashamed, Father Adrian, I really am. I confess a lot, but this secret has never come out of my mouth before...

I've been... well... I've been thinking about other men, Father. The way they look... the way they talk... I've even found myself staring at men's waists and getting excited.

Oh, Father, I'm so sorry, God, I'm so sorry. I'm new to this town, I moved from my hometown hoping that all these thoughts would go away, but... they've gotten worse. Since I've been here, I've appreciated this church, I've talked to the other citizens about what I can do to help this church, and yet these thoughts won't go away.

If I'm honest with you Father, those thoughts came back because of you... I can't say more Father, I'm sorry. All I could do was write this letter to you. I haven't even dared to go to the confessional to say it, Father. I will continue to pray, to come to this church, but I can't even dare to look you in the eye after my thoughts, Father... I haven't even spoken to you yet.

As I write this, I can feel my hands shaking. I can't get your dark red hair out of my mind. Please don't be too ashamed of me, I know I'm a bad Christian, but I can't help it. The thought of someone underneath me, a man underneath me, consumes me from the inside.

Father Adrian. I hope God will be with me. With this letter you will find money for this church. Maybe one day I will go to the confessional, but the thought is too much. I will go to Mass, tomorrow, praying for myself, for you, for this world.

C. 🦇

[I received the letter a while ago, but it still makes me blush to think of it. His (I'm assuming 'his', given the phrase "other men") unholy thoughts have so easily jumped to me, some part of me hoping to be that man underneath him. But the way he writes... my heart aches in sympathy with his shame. I remember when that same kind of guilt nearly ate me alive, and even if it's lessened now I still feel that old fear of being inherently broken haunting me. And by the sound of it, it's definitely haunting him.

I know what I'm supposed to tell people in this situation, steer them to "normal" attractions, but I can't make myself do it. God made us as we are, and loves us unconditionally, the sin of lust is in letting it spiral out of control, not necessarily in who its directed at. Or so I tell myself, I know all too well how hate sticks in your subconscious. I try not to care what anyone else thinks. If only he'd come to confess in person I could have told him that, tried to ease some of the guilt in his heart.

I wonder, as I look at the crowd at Mass, which one of them left the letter. I tell myself it's only out of concern for unconfessed sins weighing on some poor sinner’s soul, but I can't help but be curious who was looking at me so intently that it drove them to sin.]