#I am in burnout and projecting/venting

[suddenfossilfightersheadcanons]

not in the least! I absolutely love his character, in part because he's so damn needy. He's just above-average enough at most things to have a chip on his shoulder, so lives out his gifted kid burnout vicariously through Dina. He is dependent on her success, on Joe's success, on his heroes really being his heroes to justify his own not quite being as amazing. Every time he finds out the things he's idealised aren't as good as he thought they were, a little piece of his identity gets chipped away. He pushes himself because he doesn't know how to live up to the heroic ideals he learnt from TV, and if he can just fulfil them, he'll be able to feel like they're not degrading after all. He ends up estranged from Dina et al. because he can't grow out of his pride and envy until he accepts others' flaws. He's seeking redemption for his round 1 loss through Dina's success, for his being imperfect by making himself a martyr against ZZ, for his neediness by pushing himself away. He's trying so hard to be a good person but the pubescent dialectic that you can be a good person and a bad person at the same time hasn't kicked in for him yet. He fears second place so much more than Rupert, and I love how they contrast each other in that regard.

As far as I'm concerned, he's developed a surprisingly good relationship with Rupert, in that they share much of their insecurity in common, so don't have to act as if it doesn't exist around each other. Moreover, he's better at cleaning fossils and reciting fossil fighting trivia than Rupert, and that helps abate his inferiority complex. Around the others, however, he's notably cagey. It's going to take years to repair his relationship with Dina, and even then, the Cup has very much damaged it to the foundation.

Did anyone else fucking hate Todd in champions

[allpiesforourown]

as a greek person who knows absolutely no one into scum villain irl, seeing binghe speaking greek and using the politeness plural for shen qinqiu nerfed me. i was like am i going insane finally?? and now i'm being plagued by thoughts of oh binghe would use the politeness plural for shizun in a greek translation even after they get married (highly unusual but he would) and shen qingqiu would get so pissed off but also turned on by it every time. aand now i'm thinking about translating the whole novel into greek because i know professional translators are not insane enough and would butcher it. i'm suffering even imagining reading that (official greek translations of the few gay books that are popular enough suck ass).

you don't understand the dopamine rush AND psychic damage you've dealt me and i don't know how to explain it. GOD. help. i cannot let my adhd get ahead of me i literally struggle to shower and do laundry i cannot lock myself in translation hell again. at least this time it'd be a good novel. no. no i shant. i'm literally in severe burnout from doing too much. this is rambly and insane but i feel like that should be ok given the blog i'm sending this to (highly complimentary). oh god binghe in greek. shizun in greek. LIU QINGGE in greek YUE QI-

you've killed me but also i haven't felt this alive in weeks. i apologise for the madness in your inbox but i needed to vent this.

as a binghefucker the idea of him learning and speaking greek. ough

Don't push yourself anon ᵈᵒ ᶦᵗ as wonferful as it would be to give more people access to svsss don't get sucked into such a large project ᵗʳᵃⁿˢˡᵃᵗᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ʷʰᵒˡᵉ ᵈᵃᵐⁿ ⁿᵒᵛᵉˡ we just recently got the russian translation im sure we'll get greek soon ʸᵒᵘ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ʸᵒᵘ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ so you shouldnt spiral into spending months straight hyperfixating on translating svsss ᵈᵒ ᶦᵗᵗᵗᵗ

[schmedterlingfreud]

🪴Day [40 of 100] of Productivity🪴

Writing: - La cosa più pericolosa - Chapter 23&24 (... work in progress) Those will be the last two chapters of the narrative arc "Se tutto andrà come si spera". Then the central part will finally begin, the most important one, which will separate the two halves of the longfic. Resuming the story after several months of hiatus, I fortunately realized that it's not as disastrous as I thought I had left it. It's not so difficult to go back on track. But I'm proceeding calmly, because lately I just feel like writing with pen and paper only. So... if the updates are delayed a bit, it is because I have to do double the work by writing first by hand and then on my laptop. And thank goodness I'm doing all of this for passion... - Meduse a centinaia - Chapter 1 (... work in progress) Be', ma vaffanculo, why is this motherfucker of a first chapter already 18,000+ words? The first draft (the hardest part) of it has been done, so I hope that completing and finishing the chapter won't take me too long. I am still determined to update "La cosa più pericolosa", before publishing this fourth new story of the saga. May the Universe send me good dose of luck. ❀ I want to thank in advance all the readers who will have the pleasure and the patience to follow me on this new little journey. I hope we will have fun together! :) - Guess what? I'm still working feverishly and constantly on the "New super secret project" that I started this summer. The document in which I'm collecting drafts, notes and dialogues is already almost 100,000 words. I'd say that maybe -- maybe (?) -- I can actually get something good out of it. I'm still very conflicted… on one hand, my brain is burning because I can't wait to start it, to share it, and to see what comes out of it. On the other hand, knowing that I already have two longs in progress, I'm afraid to complicate my life by adding a third one. Fellow writers, what would you do about it? I'm afraid that taking on too much work will push my strength to the limit, causing me another burnout. But, at the same time, everything inside me screams and begs me to be written and vented, causing me further torment. Help🙃

Reading: - All Quiet on the Western Front, by Erich Maria Remarque - I nove doni, by Giovanni Allevi (... completed!)

Listening to: I nani, by Richard Benson

Snacking on: Mini butter waffles

Extra: I bought a new houseplant. 🪴 I hope this one is going to be easier to take care of, because I love the way it looks. And I think I'm going to even buy a succulent, just to make her good company. I started my new therapy for my arthritis, and I also ordered a new little folding table to use when I feel like writing in bed. Plenty of news for this first week of March!

[dragonbma]

Life update / vent idk really what this is. Probably deleting later when I’m feeling better.

Might be a tad silent these next few days. Kind of in a funk at the moment. Had another near death experience the other day and usually they don’t phase me, but so much has happened lately that it’s just overwhelming. College is stressful. There’s so much work I need to get done and I can’t figure out physics to save my life. Finals are next week. The fact that the next president wants to impose tariffs that would sink my Etsy shop is- I don’t even WANT to think about that too much.

But with the bad comes the good too. I have both a rush of inspiration to do all the things I kept putting off before and the burnout that comes with having too much on your plate. I am incredibly determined to learn all the parts of drawing I’m not good at like shading, scenes, hair, etc. I’m also inclined to release my drafts and scrapped projects I’ve never shared before. I want to finish all my fics. And start the Possession AU askblog I never got around to. There’s so much I want to do and I’m just burnt out right now.

[zuzsenpai]

Full story (so far) of the work project from hell that's lost me vacation time, lost me sleep and hair, caused a number of panic attacks, and literally gave me my period when I'm not supposed to have periods and haven't had one in a year and a half.

I'll put it under a cut because I'm sure most of you don't want to read all this shit. I just wanted to vent and get it out.

So around the beginning of September, a video project request came into our office. The way it was explained to us by the project coordinator in marketing (who I will call "Sam"), was that it was going to be a TV spot as part of a big campaign that the CEO is requesting. The topic is letting people know that our healthcare network has a zillion awards for all 15 of our hospitals, compared to the other healthcare network in our area (this is a VERY common marketing strategy for us even though it's been proven the public does not give a shit which network has the most awards). It's a very dull "look at us and our awards and stats" video that, again, the public couldn't give a shit about. But the CEO wants it because ego.

We were told the video needed to be produced in two weeks, because the CEO wants to see the campaign ASAP. This means, for my team, that we don't have time to shoot new footage for this campaign. We were given a pretty mediocre script (we do not write the scripts), with directions to get it professionally voiced and to use old footage we've already shot in order to get this done in time.

That's where I became involved. I'm not a videographer (I do the animations and various other things). I know how to edit, and I know how to edit fast. But if this were a piece we had time for (that had a much better script), our video team of FOUR videographers would have handled this. But I got the project because of the bullshit reasons that I "know where all our footage is" and "can edit fast".

This was a week before I was supposed to go on vacation. I was supposed to go on vacation for a week and a half. My manager (who I will call "Betsy") KNEW I was going on vacation, but she still gave me the project. I know I should have given it to the video team and that point, but I didn't. That was my first and biggest mistake.

The higher-ups in marketing took their sweet ass time choosing an ending tagline and creating graphic design elements I could use in my video. I still didn't have them by the end of that week. We had our voiceover guy record half a dozen taglines that were supposed to be chosen from, just so something could be eventually edited in.

I had a draft that didn't include the tagline or graphic design elements ready by the end of the week. Meaning the day before I went on vacation. My second and almost just as big mistake was saying I would work on it over vacation. But honestly, this was for the CEO, and the VP of marketing hadn't approved my raise yet and I am always feeling like I would be the first on the chopping block if we needed to downsize the department. So I wanted to prove myself.

Anyway, while I was on vacation, I kept all the channels open: Teams, Outlook, etc. I had a VERY hard time relaxing because I knew at any moment I'd have to pick this project up. I also have massive burnout and just could not get myself to chill out. Anyway, a couple things happened by Thursday of that week: the tagline was finally chosen, the script changed and a whole 20 seconds was added to the video, and the graphic design elements came in. Keep in mind the project was supposed to have been done in two weeks. Meaning by the literal NEXT DAY. That wasn't happening at this point, so I was given a new deadline of a first draft by the following Wednesday.

I scrambled to coordinate the voiceover guy coming in again even though I couldn't be there. I scrambled even harder to find 20 more seconds of footage while I was over 100 miles away and had incredibly slow access to our video server. In fact, I could barely view or download video at all. I panicked for DAYS trying to get video downloaded, but it was just NOT happening.

I cut my vacation short and got in by Tuesday morning that next week. I had a single day to figure this video out. I was able to manage it by the skin of my teeth. I sent the draft on Wednesday and eventually heard back that Sam, the VP of marketing (who I will call "Ken"), and a few other higher-ups in marketing loved it. Great. The end!

Except the Chief Strategy Officer (Ken's boss), suddenly needed to approve it. I will call him "Ray". So Ray is new at his job and apparently needs to have his fingers in ever single piece of marketing that comes out of the marketing department. This is the opposite of how the old guy who retired used to do it. Ray is also the CEO's son-in-law. So, a Jared Kushner if you will. He's trying to prove himself and in the process, he is micromanaging to the extreme. But also it takes him forever to make decisions. Great combination there, all around.

It takes Ray over a week to even look at the video, during which I start getting other projects with quick deadlines. And when Ray does look at it, he comes back with the unhelpfully vague comments of "it's unsophisticated", "doesn't look like a sleek big city ad" and "is not emotional". So he rejects it and asks for a completely new video to be done, ASAP. Marketing collectively loses their minds in a bad way. The project coordinator (Sam) decides to inform me of this by immediately sending me an email outlining everything that was "wrong" with the video, despite having originally said he loved it. He told me a new one needed to be done and it needed to be done FAST. It needed to look like a polished, high budget, big city ad.

Well that wasn't getting done. I told him this. He didn't care. Ray gets what he wants. Even though Ray did NOT say that's what he wanted from the beginning. Even though I made a good video based on the shitty script I was given. The script that was supposedly approved by Ray himself. The script that had no story, was unemotional, and given an unreasonable deadline to get produced into a video.

This was last Thursday. I had a breakdown in my office, sobbing and hyperventilating. I decided I would finally bring in the video team. I needed one of them to do this. I needed to be done with it. I had 4 other projects with deadlines fast approaching (all of them animations, so I was the only one who could do them). Betsy called an in-person meeting with her, myself, and the 4 videographers.

I was still having a massive panic attack as I tried extremely hard to be normal in that meeting. I tried my best to explain to the team what I needed. The videographers were super angry on my behalf that I was even given the project in the first place, and they were extremely willing to redo the video from the ground up. I was grateful beyond belief. My video was scrapped, which sucks, but I didn't care at that point

A few days later on the following Monday (this past Monday), around 4PM, I was told that Ken decided we were going to go over Ray's head and "just edit the video we already have into a sleek, emotional, big city ad". Using the same script and most of the same footage. Just "make it better". Ken's reasoning was that this video was for the CEO and not Ray. And the CEO wanted it weeks ago.

Because this was an update to the existing video, Betsy informed me that I had to jump back on the project to make the edits. The edits that were a nebulous "make it better". I knew the project already and I can edit quickly. So it's mine again. Again, I had 4 other projects with deadlines of THIS WEEK. I had to send emails apologizing to a few people for not having the projects done.

So I spent Monday evening (at home) and all of Tuesday (yesterday) fucking around with the video. I asked the video team their thoughts on what would make it better and "sleeker", and they came back with things like "no amount of tricks and transitions is going to make that old footage look any better". So, unhelpful as fuck. Sam just kept saying "use tricks from big city ads! Just copy them! make it emotional!"

I did what I could. I found an emotional song, I used some flashy transitions, I slowed down some footage for dramatic effect, and I found a few pieced of stock footage that looked more "polished" than the footage I had. Granted ALL of the footage I originally used was local. It was our hospitals and our doctors and our staff. It just wasn't shot for this video. I tried to keep as much of that local feel in as possible, because I know the CEO likes that. I neglected projects for this. I stressed about this. Couldn't sleep. Got my fucking period after a year and a half on birth control.

I sent out a draft at 3PM yesterday. To Sam and Ken. Didn't hear back, but that's pretty normal (Ken sends work emails at like 10PM). 4:30 rolled around and I got up to leave. Betsy called me into her office as I passed by.

Betsy: I have something I need to tell you.

Me: ?????

Betsy: This morning Ken told me that we farmed your project out to [freelance video production company that we sometimes use].

Me: I'm sorry what.

Betsy: I didn't tell you because I didn't want it to upset you or hurt your feelings.

Me: But... then why did I work the project all day????

Betsy: Because I think we needed to show Ken what we are capable of.

Me: But that's irrelevant. He asked the other company to do it.

Betsy: Yes but I think he really wanted us to do it.

Me: So I sent a draft to Ken after he'd already farmed it out to the other company?

Betsy: Yes. But I sent him an email explaining it.

I didn't know what to say. I was furious. But Betsy is in charge of asking Ken for my raise, so I waited until I got to my car to start crying and screaming. I was in a bad state last night.

Got in this morning to an email from Ken just saying "Please find time to discuss tomorrow afternoon". So essentially a "see me after class". This could go one of three ways.

He could tell me he likes it and here are a few edits (unlikely, though he DID like the original and it's not too different from that?????)

He could tell me it needs a lot of work and changes and I need to do it ASAP (likely and stressful)

He could get mad I wasted my time, which is entirely Betsy's fault (likely and gets Betsy in a load of trouble)

The meeting with him is at 3PM tomorrow. I'm working from home because I need it at this point. I'm so sick of this. I'm so done. I'm even done typing about it right now because I am just so out of steam. I have so many deadlines and I'm so burnt out and I am so exhausted.

[mumms-the-word]

tbh i'm actually kind of pissed at larian. regardless of if it's sticking it to hasbro or not, they're leaving the game in a potentially awful state and not delivering on promises they made, like the upper city. You also have SWEN talking about shit that could have been like ketheric's recruitment and what not, which stirs the pot even more and makes me angry. Like stop talking about it. we're already upset enough.

These are all very valid critiques, anon! I have many thoughts but I’ll put everything under the cut since I got a little long-winded because I’m passionate about video games in general.

I do play a bit of Devil’s Advocate here but please note I am not attacking you personally or trying to direct any hate towards anybody at all! This ask honestly gave me space to vent some thoughts I’ve had for months about this game. I did my best to offer nuanced perspectives and acknowledge my own biases. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, including their own disappointments and praises for Larian, Swen, the actors, and all involved in the making/maintaining (or lack thereof) of BG3.

TLDR: We shouldn’t put Larian on a pedestal as the Best Studio Ever, but we don’t have to grab our pitchforks and say they’re the worst studio ever either. If BG3 is a disappointment it might be because Larian flew a little too close to the sun trying to squeeze 80% of a functional D&D experience into a digital video game package, when (in my opinion) those two game genres are almost inherently designed to not mesh well, disappointing one fan while satisfying another.

———

Point #1, Idk how much Larian is sticking it to Hasbro but Hasbro IS a greedy corporation who has no idea how to make video games and I very highly suspect they’ve been making demands of Larian’s team that are impossible to meet without destroying the work ethic (and health/mental health/financial stability, etc) of Larian’s team. Hasbro just sees dollar signs. Larian isn’t necessarily as interested in milking BG3 for all it’s worth.

If they were, we’d be paying for Upper City in a DLC, and we’re not. Instead they’re choosing to pivot to a fresh new project that isn’t beholden to Hasbro or the demands of WOTC. Does it feel like they’re abandoning the game? Yeah, kinda. But if Swen says that his team looked visibly relieved to move on to something new, that gives me warning bells. Not against Swen, but about the crunch standard of games industries as a whole and possibly against Hasbro or WOTC. I’d much rather his team take care of their very human selves than grind themselves to ultimate burnout working on a game that is functionally complete, if buggy in places and not satisfying for some players because they didn’t get the content they wanted.

There is no perfect game, after all.

And honestly I’d say the same of any AAA studio too. I am consistently frustrated with game studios firing whole departments for the sake of retaining profits and treating their employees like content robots. Games should not be made at the expense of anyone’s physical or mental health, but unfortunately that’s The Industry Standard. (And personally I think Larian or at least Swen is uncomfortable with that.)

(Also I think people forget that making a game the size of BG3 requires the talents and hard work of hundreds of people. Larian was working with, what, 400 people? And that was after they hired like 250+ to even rise to the challenge of making BG3. Who are we even pointing the finger at for all these issues? Swen? He’s one man.)

Should they have promised something they couldn’t deliver? No. But also, I have no idea what issues led them to cutting the content, either. What’s done is done.

BG3 will be an obsolete game in a year or soon anyway, not because Larian isn’t working on it anymore, but because the games industry is just So. Freaking. Big. and pumps out thousands of games a year. Like, I hate to say it, but people are already dropping BG3 for other games like Dragon’s Dogma 2 because DD2 is shiny, new, and has a bonkers character creator.

And there’s nothing wrong with that! We’re not built to play (or work on) a narrative-focused game for 5-7 years, regardless of what any die-hard Destiny fan tells you (note: multiplayers without narrative get a pass purely because the focus isn’t on the narrative, but on collaborative play).

If a game is no longer fun to play, move on and find something that scratches your itch. Go back and play old games! There are so many things out there to explore. I have a To Be Played pile literally right now, a backlog of games I haven’t tried out yet. I’m sure many others do too.

Point #2 (and here I could be wrong, if I’m not already wrong in my opinions above), but they’re not entirely abandoning the game like…at the drop of a hat. They’re still promising at least a handful of hotfixes and at least one more patch with new evil epilogue endings (among other things).

Does that get us Upper City? Likely not. Does that add enough content to give Wyll a more well-rounded storyline, elevate all the romances to Astarion levels of cutscenes and dialogue, and finish Karlach’s questline with an actual solution for her heart? Also likely not. Is it precious to be mad about these losses? No! Be mad!! Wyll deserves justice!!!

I’d love to explore Upper City. I’m a huge advocate for Wyll getting more/better representation. If I could save Karlach without throwing her into Avernus I would in a HEARTBEAT. But these things aren’t in the game, and they likely won’t be. Larian made decisions to meet a (self-imposed? Hasbro imposed? Industry-relevant?) deadline that are ultimately disappointing. We can absolutely acknowledge that we’re disappointed.

But I don’t necessarily think Larian is just being lazy about these decisions, though. At the end of the day we have no idea what contracts Larian is under, what hell the developers have been through, either from the game industry, Hasbro, rabid fans, or excessively cruel critics, or what technical/gameplay/scheduling/financial issues they ran into at various parts of development.

Like the Ketheric thing (Point #3). Was it bad PR to bring up that Ketheric was a “kill your darlings” decision late in development around the same time you’re openly promoting the end of your relationship with BG3? Yeah. Totally. But I’m not surprised they had to cut something like that. Games, movies, books do that all the time. How many deleted scenes from movies have we seen where it could have changed the whole narrative (maybe even made it better) if it had just stayed in? I can think of a handful. It sucks, but trust me, it hurts the writers and developers way more to cut content they’ve poured money and time and heart and soul into than it hurts us, the players who would never know the wiser if they hadn’t said anything.

But also, the game is ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE. On PC you have to have 150GB free just to install it. Can you imagine how big it would be if they had shoved everything they wanted into it, even if they had delayed the game a while to make it happen? 150GB is a lot.

For perspective, that puts it on par with a very, very, VERY tiny sector of PC games at about the same level (or higher) of GB requirements, including Red Dead Redemption 2 (a fantastic open world game that still holds up in 2024), Microsoft Flight Simulator (which requires 150GB because it’s literally just flying through high quality renders of actual Earth), Forspoken (everyone says all the GB went to graphics here and I believe them), Star Wars: Jedi Survivor (which only has about 50 hours of playable content, allegedly), basically any VR game, and ARK: Survival Evolved which comes in at a whopping 400 GB mostly because of DLC. In other words, games that big get that big either because of graphics or like a hundred DLCs.

BG3 manages to fit in gorgeous cinematics, a super complex spell-combat system, a more or less streamlined video game build for complex D&D combat rules and mechanics, 10 potential companions, 8 romances among those companions, several large maps to explore, and branching narratives that would take you days to read every scrap of dialogue for (I’ve downloaded the datamined files for Patch6, and there are whole leagues of dialogue, encounters, and bits that are in the game, unbugged, that most of us pass by because we don’t explore enough). You want to know where most of the GB goes? It goes towards sustaining a D&D combat/narrative structure that was originally never built with video game constraints in mind.

Do you know how many conditions/status effects there are in the game? Over 1100. 1100+ unique descriptions and titles for conditions that debuff or buff your character or your enemies, granting hundreds of actual gameplay affects. Do you know how many spells there are across the 12 playable classes and all unique spells for enemies and allies? Like 400, if we’re getting picky and splitting hairs over stuff like Rolan’s Magic Missile being different than the usual Magic Missile or if we’re splitting out something like Disguise Self into its 32 different variations. Each spell needs a different icon, a different graphic effect, and it needs to do the right kind of damage and cause the right kind of condition or effect, some of which are immediate, others which linger.

We can speak with dead with hundreds of characters. That’s a lot of dialogue. We can talk to ANY named NPC. That’s a lot of dialogue! We can talk to any animal, with or without speak with animals enabled. That’s a lot of dialogue!!

A single playthrough where I try to explore as much as possible takes me 150 hours or more. I have 500 hours in this game and I’ve only got 4 characters and I’ve only finished 2 of them. This game is mind-bogglingly big. Even if it’s not the biggest game in history ever, or even the biggest game by the time of its release, its BIG.

The biggest critique I would have here is one that I’ve had since I first started playing the game, and it’s that D&D systems and video games don’t mesh comfortably well. I think that Larian got distracted trying to make the ultimate D&D experience, catering to a demographic that is known to ignore plot and pursue shenanigans, and Larian felt the need to build in a lot of shenanigans.

I think they got a little overzealous about it, and that’s where we have missing content, and a lot of fluff that isn’t always plot-relevant. If the game feels unfinished, it’s because Larian started too many threads, and while there are endings to all of those threads, many of them feel rushed or unsatisfactory. Why do they feel unsatisfactory? Because we’re offered so much freedom early on, only to be pulled back into the much more limited narrative constraints of a video game at the end. Because the game has to end eventually, unlike a D&D campaign which could go on or explore many other possibilities. But by act 3 in a 150 GB game, we’re running out of time and space.

And yes that’s disappointing as hell and Larian could and arguably SHOULD have made different decisions on what to focus on.

But ultimately, you just can’t fit a full-on, any-choice-goes D&D experience in a game that needs to be packaged neatly enough to run on most PCs or consoles, and Larian was ambitious as hell to try. Contrary to popular belief, I think they did pretty freaking well given the challenge, and no, it isn’t perfect, and no, to confess to my own bias, I don’t have the same complicated history with the game that early access or release day players have because I bought the game like 2 months after it was out and patched twice. But they’ve clearly built a game that people love so much they’re upset there isn’t more of it, or at least upset it isn’t the best it can be.

But sometimes we have to be realistic too. I can only imagine how many more bugs or render issues we’d get if they did try to shove in Upper City at this point. Games can only be so big before they start to become too much for the systems that try to run them and I don’t want the games industry veering towards making games an elitist hobby for only the rich and elite who can afford expensive rigs and $100 games.

(And also, I’m not at all upset that for $70 bucks I got 500 hours of gameplay and I’m not 100% sick of it yet. When EA and Activision are getting players to pay hundreds in micro transactions and DLC and dangling extra maps and new missions behind paywalls? Bish, please, I’m good. You want to talk about an unfinished experience? Dragon Age: Inquisition made us pay for our epilogue content as a DLC. At least Larian built theirs in for free from the start.)

Anyway.

All that said, I’m sure if Larian could turn back the clock and start over, they’d make different decisions about what to keep, cut, and refine. But we’re here now.

If I want to see anything from Larian right now, it’s a dedication to fix ongoing bugs that make the game unplayable or that block the narratives that they have built so that they play correctly (like with the Minthara romance). IDEALLY I’d like to see them add more content for companions other than Astarion, to equalize the romance experiences, but I’m not holding my breath (again, considering things like game development, actor schedules, contracts, etc).

While I’m sad about the permanent loss of stuff like the Upper City and disappointed by all the rushed questlines, I’d rather them fix the bugs that make the game un-fun to play and bow out gracefully once they’re sure the game won’t need constant supervision.

Besides, they’re working on cross-platform mod support, and mods are gonna add and mess with the game for many years to come, so we can pivot to support them instead while Larian works on its next game (and hopefully learns from its mistakes with BG3).

[cheetahleopard]

jaytimkon

also top!Tim

i do also think about shizo tim a lot because of you but you don't talk about it as much

Teehee I know what I am about

Yeah I've been going through it a bit (thanks springtime=( ) and at some point I feel like projecting too much just becomes venting so I haven't been taking schizo stuff

Also have been brainstorming less in general as graduation comes up and all my work and school stuff compounds. Burnout ftw woo

[madschiavelique]

it’s the burnout for me

like okay a tiny vent right below (tw skin scratching, life update-ish, woohoo college life wants me dead)

first of all lil news from the last like couple or weeks or more : i am finally OUT of a toxic friendship that has been going on for a year and that was gnawing at me so much it was eating my brains and sanity out. the vampiric energy kinda toxic friendship ykwim.

thankfully i’ve made some new friends along the way that helped me feel less shitty and i am super glad they are in my life !!!!

huge thank to @sunflowersandsapphires & @gracethyomen (which you already know since i mentioned them already several times on here, i love u guys <3) as well as @xoxokisswshugzz !! i love her so much she’s an absolute gem and i think that if it weren’t for her i’d still be stuck in the friendship somehow

now the thing is i’m currently so fucking stressed because of school and in so much burnout it’s not even funny anymore like

it’s to the level where i’ve gone back to scratching and pricking at the skin of my scalp till i bleed, same for the skin around my nails, and i just have had an awful ovulation week where my cramps started feeling like period cramps when it was just ovulation

anywho i’m a bit on edge but a girl gotta girl 🎀✨

i’m trying to get myself to do some projects in the future !!! i don’t want to raise any hopes whether within me or within you guys but i hopefully will get back to writing

thank you all so much for being here on this silly blog, i love you so much babes ❤️

[leblooky]

[Vent + important message]

I think my creativity has been dead for a long time without realizing it now. I'm trying to find ideas that allow me to change my habits all the time but my brain wants me to be lazy... I need help to get back on my feet as quickly as possible but I'm afraid I'll never get what I wanted. I'm almost in tears so much that I no longer have the strength to find solutions, two fingers away from going crazy and screaming with my whole body.

I know it's EXTREMELY exaggerated what I'm saying but it's true, I have a malaise that I don't know how to beat. If we add the extreme desire to buy female prostheses, outfits/cosplay and a new PC setup, the search for work that ends up not taking me and that you are limited to money... I can no longer...

I waste time fighting mentally and overcoming all this, alone, while your parent is at work all day... help

I'm desperate about all this. And that's why I made the decision to take a break from drawing until further notice. I'm trying to beat all my problems I've been facing all this time. I have projects. Big projects. You can make donations through my links that I put on Linktree or make fanart, it would be super nice. I would open a prize pool if I am so desperate.

Sorry for this disturbing message but I need a lot of break because I have too intense a mental load that I risk burnout when I don't even work. Be creative forever.

Blooky.

[bandofchimeras]

the selfhate spirals with ADHD & PDA are so potent and really embarrassing. but when i tell you i straight up no call no showed the interview for my dream job that pays an exorbitant amount of money comparatively to everything I've ever done....simply because I forgot what day it was? how do you like, laugh that off? the older you get the more severe consequences become for your invisible disability.

Luckily they were willing to reschedule the interview but that is very lucky and if they hadn't been willing too I may have actually spiralled into suicidality bc of how much effort it took to even make that application and believe in myself enough to score the interview. but the real tea is - I actually just can't do life alone. I can't. Shit like this will happen. My friends and my mom called to see how the interview went, they remembered better than me. And if I had a partner or bestie, and had created an accountability structure, this wouldn't have happened. I did have alarms set up. I had it scheduled in. But the night before I got distracted & avoidant of bedtime, stayed up til 4 am (forgetting what the next day was), didn't plug in my phone, and boom. Anyways, sorry to all my mutuals who have had a window into the severe self-loathing spirals & vents. They're isolating and unhelpful. Its been real tough to talk to people directly about the shame from PDS + ADHD + OCD stuff, or get help, it takes an ocean of grace to forgive myself and I don't know how to expect or accept that much grace from other people. You constantly see people praising others who are on time, prepared, accountable, check in, show up, get things done effectively, etc it is near equivalent with "being a good person" or having character. And after enough failed attempts to live normally, after 1219323832942 abandoned projects and lost ideas and failed medication trials and lost friendships, its easy to give up on ever finding respect for yourself. Or asking others to respect you. Or continue to give you chances. Or even stay in your life.

I have been at the limit of my burnout candlewick. Finding community who accommodate and don't shame has been a breath of fresh air.

But this last fuck up has been sobering.

Like I cannot blame myself for what happened- waking up with brain fog and forgetting the day & all my carefully crafted reminders - but it could have been prevented with stricter bedtime schedule, taking sleep meds, and someone to keep me accountable to charging & checking my phone.

I have to tell myself: No, don't trust yourself. You won't remember because its important. You will forget when the stakes are high. You cannot trust your stress response, you have to get help. Its on me to find that kind of support because eventually everyone will lose tolerance for excuses. But they might be willing to accommodate limitations with agreements made in advance. ADHD is a real disability and deserves and needs accommodations and support structures. So is PDA.

[ramblingvents]

Vent (burnout)

How do you know if you're being avoidant or just genuinely burntout? Like failing at the task scares me, which makes it very difficult to start. But I genuinely can spend days just wanting to do one assignment and not being able to do it all the while feeling shitty and wanting to do it. I can't focus on lectures due to exhaustion but also because I sometimes scroll on my phone. I wanted to do projects and work this year but I didn't sign up this semester because last semester I couldn't even do research due to lack of energy and being unable to start things and felt I was wasting my professor's time.

Like is it a personal issue? Do I just need to get better at routine and doing tasks and taking care of myself or am I at the point where I physically need a break and I'm just gonna make it worse by pushing through? How do I take a break after undergrad, what does that look like and what's the difference between taking a break and giving up on my current career? Will I even be able to handle a full-time job when I can barely handle taking care of myself and class work? How much of it is my fault - I'm in therapy and I tried accomodations but they weren't useful to my issues but I also gave up trying to get them this semester and I know the things my therapist and the disabilities person suggested would make my life better, I just don't know why I can't get myself to do them. Like do I just not want to get better?

Why do I get nothing done and still feel exhausted? I don't want to be a burden to my parents or my partner and I've tried antidepressants and ADHD meds and insomnia meds, but I am nearly 22 and barley passing college and I still can't drive. I want to do better, it just feels impossible right now. And I also know a lot of this is like classic depression talk and I need to stop ruminating and focus on my actual homework.

I just feel like I've ruined my entire life, and I feel guilty and like all my professors hate me because I get depressed and can't turn in assignments on time every fucking semester, and I feel lonely and scared and frustrated at the state of the world and I don't even know what to do anymore.

I feel so guilty about my academic performance all the time and I've spent so much time this last year just focusing on that and still failing and I do not know what I want to do with my life. I just can't say these things to people in my life anymore because I feel like the people at college just kinda ignore me because I've been struggling for so long (which I don't blame them for btw) and I don't want to further bum out my loved ones - I want to have good news for once.

I am very up and down as far as mental health goes and if it's exhausting for me I can't even imagine how exhausting it is on the outside.

I believe in recovery and I've saved myself so many times, I just can't really handle it getting better and worse again forever. And the thing is I know that's a negative distortion and black and white thinking but I still keep feeling it emotionally.

[a-field-of-dragonflowers]

Feeling more and more like a 3-6 month retreat into a little mountain cabin would heal me

Or at the very least give me time to process anything that’s happened in the last 5 years of my life

(Vent under the break)

So much of my life has changed since 2020 and while I do believe I’m growing and taking better care of myself, it’s really hard not to feel burnt out and apathetic towards the world right now.

There’s a part of me that’s still fighting the way my body has slowed down since entering my 30s. Especially since catching COVID for the first time in 2023, the brain fog has been insane, and that’s on top of the brain fog and fatigue I already experience just living with hEDS and ADHD (and PMDD during that wretched time of the month). I feel like I used to be capable of pushing myself so much farther than I am now��working nights and weekends to finish complicated cases and research projects and still having the energy to cook dinner afterwards.

Now, I’m lucky if I can get a few cases done without having to call out and take a nap during the week, (or during some fluctuations in my menstrual cycle, taking several days off) and it’s hard not to feel like I’m letting people down. (Side note, yeah it’s just a job, but I work for the state government so if I’m not getting stuff done, actual citizens aren’t getting their issues redressed as soon as they could be).

Part of that burnout I feel is my little ADHD energizer bunny and the guilt I feel for not being “productive” even after overextending myself for years. (shout out to my therapist for clocking that I felt that I couldn’t start my oblivion remaster play until I showered and cleaned because I felt that I didn’t get enough done at work).

But it’s also you know… the general state of the country and the complete upending of everything I thought was *relatively* unbreakable in the past 7 months. I knew it was going to be fucked with a republican majority and the fascist in chief but I didn’t expect us to just roll over and take it like that.

I’m just so tired of it all already and it’s just begun and I’m not even one of the most affected by it.

[monkmain2]

Ok so. There’s something I want to talk about.

Currently, I am working on four (three?) separate projects. Now understand the problem with this isn’t burnout. I am completely fine doing this, it’s not making me exhausted as far as i can tell. The problem is I don't have enough motivation to do these projects even though I really want to.

Youtube audience: For everyone who subscribed to me for animation, sorry about not posting anything animated for a while. This is because I'm overly focused on one: making my Deltaruned videos, and two: playing Undertale and trying to actually get past Mettaton because his fight requires timing and you all know how I feel about timing.

The two things I'm working on that I am most motivated to do are the Deltaruned series and the making-up-three-billion-random-extremely-specific-mechanics-for-the-game-I-want-to-make-and-maybe-trying-to-organize-them-but-probably-not thing.

The thing i’m second most motivated to do is continue the Underlidded comic, (tumblr thing for anyone reading this on youtube who doesn't know) which I'm a little reluctant to do simply because i’m not the best at writing dialogue and also the characters are actually detailed beyond having pupils or some shit so it feels tedious to draw them even though it really isn’t. 

The thing I'm least motivated to do is write PC. I have come to the realization that I absolutely despise writing a coherent story with dialogue and plot progression, since what I usually do is just write paragraphs of text obnoxiously expositing all the lore. I do think a little burnout is present in the case of PC, since it just feels so tedious and exhausting to work on.

In order to remedy this, I thought of three things.

One: stop working on PC. This is probably the most sensible move, since at this point I'm not even trying to make it a serious story and instead just skipping over massive parts because I don't feel like writing it. 

But at the same time, I started working on it again because I had a eureka moment and finally figured out how I wanted it to end. It feels like stopping now would somehow be wrong since I know exactly what I want to happen, I just don’t have the motivation to write it like an actual coherent story.

The reasons I don't want to quit really don’t make much sense, but I just feel like I'd be breaking some kind of promise if I abandoned PC.

Two: put the Underlidded comic and the Deltaruning series on hiatus, ban myself from writing about the game, and force myself to focus on PC.

This definitely wouldn’t work. I’m not doing this.

Three: continue to do absolutely nothing.

But then there’s also another problem: if i actually do manage to convince my parents to get me a computer that isn’t trash and figure out how to use godot, i’ll have a whole huge new thing to work on that will be 10x more likely to actually give me burnout.

There’s not really anything you guys can do about any of this, I just needed to vent about how weird my priorities are right now.

I’m probably just gonna stop working on PC for now. That’s probably the best course of action. I'll figure out what to do about my lack of motivation concerning the comic later.

[cybereucharist]

LATE NIGHT GOOGLE SEARCHES:

- Is there a way to prove that life is preferable to death?

- Suicide is a way out: r/venting reddit

- The accursed share

- Is God a feeling?

- Scientific method examples

- No prophet is accepted in his hometown

- Can one feel divinity

- I don't believe in anything

- Loving imagination more than reality

- Empathy burnout

- Am I a covert narcissist?

- Fear and Trembling PDF

- Mothers and projection reddit

- I feel like I am secretly evil

- James Wright Poet

- Generational Poverty

- Everything I do is fake

- We are nowhere and it's now lyrics

[dancingafterdark]

this is more a reminder to myself that i’m throwing out into the void than anything that i intend to be inspirational, a thinly-veiled vent, if you will:

sometimes i can’t help but feel guilty that i’m falling behind on all my creative projects — my writing, my art, whether it be fandom-related or personal, and i think that’s both to do with general burnout and this grind culture that makes it hard to keep up if you don’t dedicate yourself to staying at top at all times.

then i have stop, take a breather, and put it into perspective a bit: no, i can’t keep up — burnout is a real thing that will sneak up on you when you least expect it, and i am a full-time student already struggling to get by each day with untreated ON and only one mostly functional eye, on top of my other health conditions and stressors. but that doesn’t mean the passion won’t die out entirely, not when my head is constantly set to burst with ideas new and old: i have been working on a novel for over ten years now. somedays, my interest will wane and for a time — after i had been working on my manuscript exclusively for months for my creative writing seminar — i exited out of the doc didn’t touch it for almost an entire year. i was exhausted and even glancing at a project that i had once poured hours into, meticulously crafting my plots and characters i still hold near and dear to my heart, intimidated me more than speaking in front of a full house — and my anxiety gets so bad that sometimes opening my email spurs panic attacks. it’s not like i hated writing now, i was just tired; so i gave myself a much needed break for as long as my brain deemed necessary and redirected my energy towards new projects — new stories, new hyperfixations, new toy boxes to play with. i’ve recently returned to that manuscript and revisiting all my darling has never felt more refreshing, although i’ve been spreading my attention across different projects as opposed to focusing all my attention on one core idea until i wring myself dry so that i don’t repeat my mistakes.

don’t feel guilty if you can’t keep up, me, because you can’t — sometimes you lose that spark, sometimes you have to prioritize your physical and mental well-being — but that’s okay because you have all the time in the world. what’s the fucking rush, me? you are not a machine, you are not pumping out a product on an assembly line; you are creating because it makes you happy, and what you create, no matter how niche, will make someone, somewhere, happy too — for a time — and even if that someone loses interest in what you create because they too are not a mindless sycophant that exists only to consume, that doesn’t mean that love never existed or is gone forever.

so what’s the fucking rush, me? go take a nap, eat some food, drink more water, go for the walk you so desperately need, pet your cat, do some chores, finish that assignment. your shit isn’t going anywhere, it’ll still be there when you return, however long that may take, i promise.

[archangeltwins]

parental vent under the cut

You're my parents. If you wanted a normal child, why did you have me at all? You withheld serious medical information from me while I was a kid. I grew up thinking that I was like everyone else, but your denial and coddling has now cost me everything. Everything.

Friends. Connections. Family. Support. Personal Growth.

Boundaries. You've never let me have my own, nor respected them. You tell people I'm autistic without seeing if I've given my explicit consent to divulge that information. You barge in even after knocking. You've accused me of being on drugs if I was too happy or moody. You kept me feeling like I was a felon in my own home for just wanting some time alone. You tell people of your struggles as a parent knowing what was wrong, but did you ever once take into account how I felt?

How I feel now, still, knowing there was something wrong with me, feeling like I was fundamentally broken and wholly unloved and unwanted and lonely as a kid?

I fantasized about getting switched with another family's child. I fantasized about running away. That I was from another world entirely. And often.

Sure, you fed me, you clothed me, you gave me a roof over my head -- that's the bare fucking minimum -- but was the emotional stability really even there???? Between the screaming, the fighting, the bankruptcy, everything.

The picture of me you have in your head isn't my responsibility. You wanted me to respect you as authority whilst you didn't treat me as a person. I masked for survival, I masked so I could have a hair's breadth chance of fitting in. I had routine, and after routine came burnout. I pushed myself to my furthest limits grade-wise to appease YOU, not MYSELF. My accomplishments never felt like they were mine. It was just something I "had to do". I was mature because I masked. Masking kept me from bullying by my peers. Masking kept people from asking questions. Masking kept me safe. No wonder I feel like I'll never be enough. My self-worth has hit bedrock. And now? I still don't have a damn clue who I am. It's like trying to repair a plate that's been smashed into unrecognizable pieces. You say you didn't want raise us how your parents raised you, and yet, you did. You complained constantly about the switches, the smacks, the soap, the yelling. You've spanked. You've lectured. You've belittled. You've insulted and invalidated. You instilled fear in me so severe I'll likely never get over it. I'll always jump at keys jingling, heavy footsteps, slammed doors. I'll always be afraid of confrontation.

How about going to church and hearing about how we were all shameful and sinful and me, thinking I was doubly condemned to burn from the start by being undiagnosed neurodivergent? Not telling me was inherently neglectful. Getting my diagnosis was the straw on the camel's back. I'm different. I'm wrong. I'm a liar / fibber. I'm lazy. I need fixing. I'm selfish. I'm ungrateful. I'm a bitch. I'm entitled. That sounds like projection to me. You say respect is earned, but you constantly dismiss mine. Your expectations for me were too fucking high, even as a kid.

I'll always be terrified of making my own decisions, but at least I'm learning to do them scared.

" We got spanked and we turned out fine ". If you think violence is an inherently good thing to use as punishment against actual, living and breathing children, you've internalized that message. I'm sorry that those who were supposed to protect you, didn't. That they failed as parents. You shouldn't lay your hand on a kid, ever. Your overbearingness and fearfulness and sheer desperation to be given attention to have a 'normal' child has stunted me.

Others have it worse, you'd say. This isn't the Oppression Olympics. No one's pain is worth more or less than any others. Hitting a child because you're angry and when they say "I don't know", you accuse them of lying when they're trying to explain, or you fail to listen to them, is wrong. Losing control of your emotional maturity during arguments is wrong. Giving the silent treatment is wrong. Making me apologize without telling me what I did wrong made me feel like shit. I didn't learn my lesson, I learned to fear you. That you were bigger and that you were my first bully, not schoolmates. Not a friend. Witholding comfort items was wrong. Threatening to take everything out my room was wrong. Hinting that you'd drive away and never come back -- literal abandonment is wrong. Treating kids like property, to be seen and not heard, is wrong. I was supposed to feel safe. I WAS SUPPOSED TO FEEL SAFE. INSTEAD, YOU MADE ME FEEL INFERIOR. SUB-HUMAN. Congratulations, you've cut off your parent, but you've still perpetuated the cycle. Those names you called me will stay in my head and heart forever. Your 'apology' is meaningless by this point. If you're capable, do some self-reflecting. Going to therapy. Working through your own tangled-up anxiety, paranoia, ex-husband issues, immense guilt, generational trauma, and depression. Or don't, it's not up to me. I love you as a parent, but I don't like you. I'm learning to separate myself from you with my own support network. Hearing you say "it's because she's not normal" like I'm some kind of circus freak, cut deep. I hate you for that. I hate how it's not my voice in my head. It's yours. The puzzle piece gnome has got to go. You advocate, but you don't /advocate/. Using the liquid / hot sauce was cruel. Stopping me from stimming because it was embarassing or childish was stupid. If that's what you're basing your surface-level understanding of autism on, that we're some gifted child prodigy or slovenly basement-dweller who never grows up, then you've got a lot more to unlearn. Fuck the puzzle piece. The org associated with puzzle and bright, kiddie colors? Autism Speaks. Autism Speaks is an organization made up of people who aren't like me, who don't even care. They perpetuate ABA. A way for people who aren't neurodiverse to control people who are. Sitting still. No stimming. No noise. Sit straight. Be like everyone else. Force kids into the neurotypical mold to comply with society. They research a cure. A CURE. Another reference to autism being like a disease. Killing off a facet would be like destroying my entire personality. My sense of self as a part of several marginalized groups. Even now there's efforts by docs to turn the imperfect into perfect by detecting Downs Syndrome and other disabilities in the womb. It's sickeningly eugenicist. Not accepting of your child having a disability? Might as well kill or try to change them. Autism isn't a superpower. Autism isn't just 'being different'. Autism is genetic, not from vaccines. The doc who wrote that false paper lost his license because he was trying to spread misinformation and underhandedly marketed his own vaccine. It's fake. Autism isn't something to gain pity over. Autism moms feign helplessness to get attention for themselves about their kid.

And your commentary rubs me that way. Makes me uncomfortable. Extremely embarrassed.

It leaves an extremely bad taste in my mouth. Disabled isn't a bad word. Being disabled isn't a goddamn cosmic tragedy. Your Man on High didn't give a disabled kids to parents to make them suffer. As another test. That's shifting the blame that you were shit parents.

" With autism / Has autism " makes it sound like I'm damaged or in need of fixing. " You can't drink / have sex / have kids / stay out late ", that's insulting. Making reference to autistics as " cognitively, they're children in adult bodies ", is infantilizing. " Don't want her sitting in a corner drooling ", way to toss higher-support needs disabled under the bus. " The dog is retarded, I'm retarded ", it's still a slur and is disgustingly dehumanizing.

Not even eighty to a hundred years ago parents like you would drop me off in an asylum and never return. People like me would be lobotomized. Treated like a family pet, an animal to gawk at. A fucking zoo exhibit. What do you think modern-day group homes are, if not a paid prison in all but name and dress code? If I get put in one, how much autonomy and independence am I truly going to have? If you want me to succeed, you have to make an effort to teach me, not just thinking I'll one day come to you. It may take a year, three years, ten years. I don't care. I have friends that'll help. I have a whole community online that sticks with me. I am almost thirty for christs sakes and you still, somewhere in there, expect me to be like a dependent little child. I'm not stupid. I'm not incompetent. I've held my tongue for years. Floor's open but you've always fought me on expressing my values, my opinions, my emotions. But something needs to give. And I'm tired. My anger is mine. My grief is mine. And I'm done.