#I barely have a handle on here
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ok question before i drop these chapters this week, cuz i realize im not confident but, since the demigods can be conceived without actual copulation, do you think beryl/jupiter, ezperanza/hephaestus, or aphrodite/tristan fucked crazy or did the lost trio just appear
3 days, only true bunker9 stans will see this
im trying to think what the "else wise" would be. jason's a literal stork. leo appears in the fire. piper rises from the seafoam. lol. zeus is pretty fond of doing weird things to women, and i doubt tristan waited 9 months for piper. leo is questionable tbh. more in tags about my specific thoughts, but i wanna know what u guys are thinking
#here are my thoughts. i just need to know if that's also the idea:#beryl + zeus were having fun but beryl + jupiter was uncomfortable. they were crazy tho#esperanza + hephaestus were seriously in love i fear#and tristan makes me laugh. i just know he had this fun thing with a cute surfer girl at the beach and then bam. seafoam baby. his mortal#mind is doing fucking gymnastics with it. he remembers aphrodite faintly like a dream. i think he couldn't handle it so aphrodite#charmspeaked away the memories and constructed her own. which is really fucked up but even aphrodite is cruel#and honestly this lends well to piper wanting to know her mom because tristan sounds like he barely knows her. wow. im a genius. ok purrrrr#we know beryl + zeus was complicated as hell. but jason also HAD to happen. so b + z was just fun. but hear shows up mad#then she has to come back 3 years later because jason is the fucking prophecy child LOL so jupiter HAS to do it. i know hera hates her#i just know beryl got beef with juno that she acts like its normal and esperanza is like... girl please. please stop. this is bad.#it lends well to thalia's attitude but also jason's desire to please i guess... but tbh i think on jason's end that's more of a reflection#of how he grew up; not really beryl.... anyway in tlh hephaestus is oddly fond of esperanza and leo so i do think they had love the way#sally talks about poseidon. okay granted; this is also fitting into my EXTREMELY specific characterizations and au. but i think its#pointless to have these characterisations built off of nothing. so that's where i am with this. whew. anyway i just wanna know if yall thin#they were fucking those gods are what. the PROPHECY and HERA of it all is what REALLY gets me. it changes a lot for me personally#ok. i wasnt going to tag this but i realize this will come up again so.#beryl grace#esperanza valdez#tristan mclean#blog thesis#that'll do donkey... that'll do...#i just want to know before wednesday so i dont drop beryl grace fucking and everyone gasps. im considerate like that#😭😭😭😭😭 SPENDING MORE THOUGHT AND CARE ON THEIR PARENTS THAN I DID FOR LEO AND JASON IN THEIR OWN FIC 😭😭😭😭😭
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today's "it's so over" "we're so back" cycle has been "i have wasted the past, like, 10 years of my life" vs "well what the fuck was i meant to be doing anyway"
#personal#like literally nobody had a hand on the ball during my most important developmental years#knowing that those developmental years are basically behind me is rough#and im kinda just sitting here frustrated that i wasn't really raised i just had my needs provided for#but at the same time like. with those being the circumstances. its kind of normal for me to be a nothingburger of a person#like yeah of course im socially underdeveloped. teen years in a baptist church and tumblr dot com#my parents beign preoccupied w their dying parents and never really dealing with their own shit upbringings#so even if they were paying attention. the guidance they provided wouldn't have been. like. GOOD#main uni years happened during the height of covid#rawdogging some retrospectively very obvious undiagnosed mental issues#i was never turning out okay lmao#i know it's never too late to start it's just v frustrating turning 25 in a few months and having barely lived a year of it#like that is a LOT of lost time to make up for and it's not like all this shit left me well-equipped enough to know where to start#and i just do not have a lot of people in my life to talk to about this#i got like 1 non-tumblr friend i'd feel okay talking to about that sort of thing and when i do it never makes me feel better#mostly just well-intentioned ''have u considered getting over it'' type shit#i NEED to have a real social life and hobbies and to do that I NEED to move out so i NEED to get a job#and i am qualified for nothing yippeeeee!! every job listing i am woefully unequipped to handle#either bc i am unqualified or bc i would be fucking shaking any time anyone interacted w me#would genuinely give anything to back in time 10 years. i'd suffer through high school again i don't care i am just desperately unhappy
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rip anakin skywalker u would’ve loved having breakdowns to narcissism by sunmi n how to disappear completely by radiohead
#me when i’m projecting#sorry but he was literally half force we couldn’t begin to comprehend the body dysmorphia n identity issues that man was experiencing he#could barely handle a glimpse of himself in the mirror#r those expressions real or fake? who is that?#there is not much to be if ur told since ur 9 years old ur the chosen one who will bring balance u don’t have a choice here is what u r n#here is ur purpose.#‘i’m a person n my name is anakin’ ur a person but when have u ever been treated like one? first a slave n then they turn u into a savior#why r they all trying to make me into a saint? oh god oh god i want to do things stop turning me into a saint!#to live according to ur standards i can’t stand it any longer i don’t even know who i am i shrunk myself into the mold that u built#i’m losing my mind right now sorry. much like someone else i know 🚬#.txt
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This is backwards I know but the thing that almost pisses me off more than nobody doing anything in this house is when my sister miraculously like.. goes shopping by herself or does the dishes. And she’s like, omg, I had SUCH a long day 🙄 I did blah blah blah… now I know how you feel..
…….. 🤦 sorry. I’d almost rather her do nothing than say this stuff. Yep you went shopping (she went shopping after I had already gone shopping today btw ?) and now suddenly you’re doing just as much as me Ok this is very middle child of you I understand. It’s in your nature but answer truthfully Are you stupid
#also whenever I ask for help or say Hey we need to change stuff around here. her first response#(and only response) is ALWAYS yeah we have to make dad help around the house. … uuuh. nevermind that he’s disabled but he also does#more work around here than you already. but from her pov it should be only him doing everything. because her emotional growth is stunted#and she doesn’t understand that the 3 of us kids are not actual little kids anymore. pisses me off. no girl when I ask for help I mean I’m#asking for HELP! not for you to NOT help me and simply say ‘yeah DAD needs to help..!’#ok I done I done#tbh her excuse is she’s traumatized but that’s not even an excuse anymore. I went thru the same stuff she did so why is it that I’m the#only one who can function. I CANT EVEN FUNCTION. I just do bare minimum and they just keep making excuses#I genuinely don’t gaf if she ‘handles it differently’ get the fuck over yourself and help me like a real human being#but nope in her words that’s betraying her boundaries and makes me an abuser
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work is so fucking hard I don’t know how you fuckers do this.
#I’m so so so privileged to be in my position#but I am exhausted all of the time and I feel so weak by comparison to anyone around me#bc I can barely handle 3 8hr days a week and I KNOW that’s so much less than most ppl#but I have to wake up at 4:30am to catch the bus & I don’t get home until almost 6pm#and my meds simply don’t last all of that time and I’m just so tireddddddd#and you guys are out here working 5-7 days??? what the hell
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😬
#I’m going to let out the most inhuman scream/noise in the history of sounds#I just want to fucking CHILL#the fact I don’t have a place to chill and unwind is driving me fucking crazy#I chill in my car#but apparently everyone NEEDS to park right next to me#i genuinely can’t handle it when I’m parked in an empty parking lot#and someone parks RIGHT NEXT TO ME#just why#fucking WHY#don’t get me wrong I love the sun so so much and I miss it#but there is no fucking shade anywhere#so now I’m just sitting in my car#barely can see the screen cause of the glare#and pissed the fuck off cause I can’t park anywhere without someone ruining it#best place I’ve found is I guess my driveway#just hate it when I look up and see my neighbors looking and talking about me#mind your own damn BUSINESS#i was supposed to have the house to myself#lol nope#which would be fine but I just get this overwhelming dread and anxiety when it comes to my parents#living here and being filled with such dread#knowing I’m just a burden on my parents?#it’s just so so great I love itttttt#ignore me#gonna smoke and not care that I’m at the end of my stash cause if I think about that too much#i’m gonna crash out#heavy heavy sigh#shut up rosie#delete
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sighhh i really wanted this choso x reader fic to be a oneshot or maybe two parts at MOST but it's looking like it might end up just being a fullblown series at this point🧍🏻♀️
but i’ve already written 10k words for it, so 😍 imma just post the first chapter for it n treat it like a series now i guess 😭 damn
it’s just funny cuz i gave up on choso x reader zombie au cuz i didnt want to start another series on top of kickoff, n so i was like oh why don’t i just do a simple small choso x reader oneshot instead just to get my choso fix lmfaoo but apparently i have not a single clue how to tell how long a fic will actually be when i’m planning it out 😃
THATS OKAY THOUGH lol sry im just rambling here bahah BUT i will make a post sooon aksing who wants to be on taglist for it 🧚♀️✨ im having a lot of fun writing it soooo ehhe
#just yappin out here#i guess i wanted it to stand as like a complete body of work#but its 10k words and i’ve barely covered like……maybe a sixth of it lmfaoo???#yea no way#im gonna have to scrap the oneshot plans for it haha#whatever i can handle two series at once#right????????#we’ll see
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Wake up. Missing Link was never cancelled. This last month was all just a bad dream.
It wasn't real. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. It wasn't-
#Warning vent (I'm dramatic and intense about video games)#All of y'all are moving on and enjoying other things (even if I know its not the same or you're coping or whatever)#but my stupid autism has me trapped here#Y'all get to have fun and I'm still spiralling about the same thing I was last week. and the week before that. and the week before that....#and like I'm glad y'all are happy but god I hate being stuck here alone#Like I wish I could move on#I wish I could go out and enjoy Deltarune or the new Phinias and Ferb or be angry about the live action Lilo and Stitch or something anythi#but nope. stuck in ML hell still. barely able to create or do anything#I'm trying to pull myself out of the spiral but I heccin' can't#I have no life preserver series rn#(tried TWEWY and it helps a bit but I have to go through it with other people and I also have no one to talk about it with)#(and I'm also a little bitter around that rn too because I showed my friend the first game and he loved it only to show his other friends#try and go through Neo with them instead of me and also never even talk to me about it even when I try. And then switch over to FF before#He even finished Neo. And my brother keeps stringing me on saying he wants to play Neo and then saying no every time I ask)#I keep thinking about how stuff is gonna keep coming out but not my game and how because it isn't all my friends are moving on to new thing#and I won't have that group of KH friends who are insane about the mobile games anymore#And I keep freaking out and having meltdowns and panic attacks#And like no one knows how to handle me like that so they just ignore me and it burnnnnnnsssssssssssss#Ugh I'm just feeling so awful and my stupid brain keeps telling me this is just like when my friend died (which is doing a disservice to he#and that nightmare of an experience) but I mean at least then I had people physically around and media to hide in even if I had no support#And like I'm not posting this to make anyone feel bad by the way. If you're moving on and happy I'm happy for you#I'm just stuck and bitter and jealous you guys get to be happy. And I'm scared I'm gonna loose the friends I just made.#Like that's not your fault. It's just my brain being wired wrong because of the 'tism and trauma#This game was actually my world and it not coming out just means I have to pick up the pieces and as always I have to do it alone because#such is my fate or whatever. I've been through worse. I'll live. Just wish I didn't have to clean by myself for once#But hey it is what it is I guess
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can i sya that im not even a wemmpezz fan, nor a snowball duo fan, i just like their dynamic. or will i get shot dead
#airy's silly thoughts ~~°☆#idk bro#i just. cant see them romantically#or even as friends#im sorry#i just#cant#wemmpezz are barely friends to me. more close acquaintances who keep meeting#i feel so weird because now everyone is on the wemmpezz train or confessing to having shipped then for awhile now#and im just. over here.#my people pleaser ass can NOT handle having my own opinions#especially when they counter the majority#(<- why i dont talk about uumutiny)
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"What are you doing here, F/O." I say while watching a Jerma stream that involves a lot of clips from movies like a decade+ ago, and I was anticipating this after seeing some of the movie selections. And already almost mistaking someone for a different character voice actor.
#should not be surprised at all seeing Ben Stiller(actor) here but that didnt stop my hands from suddenly sweating a bunch anyway.#hrm. i. now realize. some of my tags on my other blogs i never really moved over here...#Anyway. Ben Stiller=actor for Larry from Night at The Museum.#which has to be one of the most wildest characters to be like “yeah they got me through some things” because. what.#on a completelt different note. i still never watched Jerma play The Stanley Parable which. i think i can now do without my heart exploding.#So i should perhaps pick out a day to do that cause im sure some posting might come from that.....hrmm......#my soul just can barely handle the direct combo of Jerma+F/O(s).#I mean watching Jerma streams with them or clips or whatnot? that is a must.#But Jerma like. directly interacting with character through media and having to hear his thoughts about character.#gosh. how long is the TSP:UD stream?#SIX AND HALF HOURS?! I remmebered it being long but i. okagy. okay okay okay okay.#See and like. I'll watch Jerma play a lot of things but yknoe. the added excitement and rush of watching him play aomethinf that.#I have played. and nonetheless enjoyed. hhhhghhghhvghhh.#I still head Narrator's voice in my head from time to time it just normally isnt outlandish enough for me to ever need to post over it.#again i. might have to watch that stream in bits and pieces cause the more i think about it the more i feel like im going to.#I still.remember seeing the random clip in a clip compilation of him in a special room in the game that you are-#-onlg ever in once and. i was like. hey. hey. HEY. IS THAT. NOOOOOOONO NOO... IT CANT BE TRUE........#on another anothwr note. a MIRACLE my strangeglove posting got interrupted by SOMETHING.
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:/
#ok kids. lesson of the day#don’t try to argue with your bank app at 3am#bc your card WILL get blocked if you put the wrong code in too many times#this is a problem for Monday Me but.. urgh#in other news: family health? not great#not great indeed#mum can barely walk#dad is on new meds#it’s a mess#also. the vet. I forgot about the vet bill#and the trash collecting tax#and the gas issue I have at home#..alright. I may have a few problems here#I think I’ll skip the GP this time around#I’ll handle the pain#can’t afford a specialist rn#anyway.. my break is here.#the hiatus is mini but mighty#which means that I am locking in bc I need to focus#you all take care while I’m away ok?#sneaky niki
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..
#having some rough days lately friends#break is coming up soon but I'm not sure how to feel in the meantime#I'm really struggling with understanding and handling well my feelings tbh#my main issue right now is that I have LONGED for community for SO long#and I hoped so badly that I would find it here#but now that I'm here and with community at my fingertips it feels like I cannot join in for some reason???#I'm struggling not to isolate and I'm feeling like I don't belong and I know better than to care about what people think#but I want to know what they think?? I want to know that people like me??#I want to know that people like me for ME not just in some vaguely spiritual way where they have to keep me from sin???#but I'm so tired lately and struggling to focus and I don't have people to talk to about it frankly here#and I can't shake the feeling that wanting people to lean on is sinful (because I should lean on God alone right? expecting other people#to fill the spot that I should have reserved for him is sin?)#I don't know anymore. I'm sorry for dumping this on you people here but I need somewhere to put it that isn't just my journal.#pray for me please. I feel like I can barely pray anymore myself. which is a terrible place to be when at a Christian university.#delete later
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whatever i’m quitting therapy
#op#could barely afford the copay and they wanna charge me fully without warning for an appointment and get snippy when i ask why???#girl i didn’t know the insurance deductible changed. i’m a dependent. warn a guy next time#literally broke bc of this and they’re just like well too bad contact your insurance. okay jessica have the day u deserve#genuinely a warning would’ve been nice. and now i can’t afford this week even if it is just a copay bc they took all my money#i literally canceled last week BECAUSE I COULDNT AFFORD IT and got charged four times that amount#like oh my goddddd#and i’m not gonna sit here and act like i’m a perfectly fine person because trust me i know you all know i’m not#but i just don’t think it’s helping me right now anyway and i was already thinking about stopping so this just confirmed i should#like i already was like feeling like i’m wasting money and this just sent me over the edge#maybe it’s the therapist maybe it’s me idk but going to therapy just feels useless right now#i feel like she just tells me i’m doing everything right and hasn’t given me literally any advice on how to handle things because#‘my feelings are valid’ or whatever#like sure my feelings are valid i know this. so are we done here#idk whatever i’ll be fine at least i’m medicated
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.
#three gigantic explosions went off RIGHT under my window in the past hour alone#every time it's so loud my body reacts with total panic like i've just been shot and i'm dying#my chest physically hurts. like i'm scared i might have a heart attack from this#sitting here in my living room feeling the least safe i've ever felt at home and so terrified i'm sobbing uncontrollably#it's just constant tension and fear and bracing myself for the next one#and it's barely 5 pm. this will probably continue until 3 or 4 in the morning at least. if not literally all night#this is fucking insane. it's never been this bad before. i genuinely don't know if my health can handle this#but i have nowhere to go. i'm so scared. i don't know what to do#can't even call the police because this shit is inexplicably legal???#i tried earplugs but it's so loud it makes zero difference. like imagine telling someone in a war zone to wear earplugs#jesus christ i can smell the gunpowder even from indoors#i'm so scared. this is horrible. i wish i could take some super strong drug to knock me out until tomorrow#but any drug strong enough to keep me unconscious through this shit would be strong enough that i wouldn't feel safe taking it at all#i saw my neighbor throw something out his window that i first thought was a firecracker?#but it fizzled and went out so maybe it was just a cigarette butt#but if i see someone in my building setting firecrackers off... i'm genuinely afraid of what i might do#like i'm scared i might fully lose it and go bang on their door and get in a physical altercation with them#i cannot emphasize how much i am in full fight-or-flight nothing-to-lose mode right now. and i can't flee. so that leaves only fighting#i might never get citizenship if i'm arrested for attacking somebody but even that thought isn't enough to hold me back rn#this is awful awful awful. i don't know what to do. how am i going to make it through this night? how is this shit not illegal?#i wish i could at least stop crying jfc this is horrible
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i have the exact location where theyre sitting in mind however its hard to convey in shitty quality comics
first comic btw sorry i forgot to... add that
#art#my art#gintama#sagaru yamazaki#yamazaki sagaru#shinpachi shimura#shimura shinpachi#id in alt#hey does it show at all that i drew these comics after having been awake for 25+ hours.#like first of all? that 'i didn't think'? look. it reads i didn't thinT. because i forgot to finish the k.#but bc the comic looks bad to begin with i dont feel pressured to correct it <3 love & peace on planet earth#mr man looks so wonky in last panel thats how u know hes one of my favourites. i will never respect him 🥰 (affectionate)#the area they should be in btw. its nearby the bridge. you know the one. w the river. & theres grass.#the only episode/arc i can think of where this area is relevant is. the one w the. cursed sword. ik that doesnt say much but#its not the tosshi arc i just barely remember the details??? good lord my memory is bad#wasnt that sword.. in love w... another sword... or a sword handle... um..... it was something like that... probably...#did sougo wield that sword at some point??? i feel like he did#anyway dont mind me rambling in the tags of my own post . ill be here all day
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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