#I still don't know how to write

[puro134]

They said I take things too literally...

Hopefully you guys can read my awful handwriting

[inkskinned]

i keep thinking about how rfk said that autistic people "will never write a poem." i keep thinking about that, about if humanity is calculated on the back of old verse. how far we measure personhood is in baseball and stanza breaks.

i keep thinking - i have over 7k poems on here alone. language can be a special interest, after all. did you know the word autism comes almost direct from the greek word autos, meaning "self"? self-ism.

maybe he is right - i haven't really played baseball. i was a ballet dancer instead. and besides - my sister once accidentally hit me in the face with an aluminum bat. i'm not sure if the injury gives me half points. am i only a person in the dugout? hand in a mitt? swinging?

does softball count? does cricket? am i a person if i throw the ball to my dog. am i a person as long as the ball is in the air, or do i stop being a person as it rolls into the bushes. i took my girlfriend to fenway recently; was i a person in the sun, with my hands up, with the game laid out at my feet in a diamond. i felt like a person, but that was back in the summer, and i often feel my most person-like then.

am i more of a person because of the sheer number of things i've written? does quality matter, or is it quantity? i used to write entire books every summer in high school - i wasn't doing well. i felt the least like-a-person back then. but then - does any person feel human in high school?

in the library, ink on my skin, i feel personhood shutter at the edges of myself. actually, writing feels blissfully like not being myself. it feels birdlike; escaping into creation so my body dissolves and i survive only by muscle memory. i am not there, i am writing.

but who can deny the falconlike focus of warsan shire, the tenderness of mary oliver, the sheer skill of amanda gorman. those are poets. they are certainly human. you could line them up with the way their words have influenced us and measure their literary shadows like wings.

perhaps it was very assumptive of me to want to be a poet rather than "a [ label ] poet." i wanted the work to fill itself in, rather than be stained by what i am. i do not write in despite of my neurodivergence, i am just neurodivergent and writing.

does the poem have to be in english or can i send it through my palms into the coat of my dog. does the poem have to make sense. does the poem have to love you back.

if i break a glass, will the poem appear naturally? or is the act of breaking the glass human-enough. the shards of my life glittering out beneath me - do i have to write the poem, or is it self-evident in the pile of glass splinters? i cannot grasp this world the way other people can. regardless, i endeavor to touch - even the mess - very gently.

i broke my toenail against my coffee table recently. i released a bug outdoors. i made coffee. i walked my dog.

i didn't write a poem about any of these things.

something else, then. existing without humanity.

[lupinescribbler]

How to write Injuries!

Note this is how to utilize them in your story and not going into the physical details how how to write every type of injury, because that second one would both stretch my medical knowledge and be way too expansive for a tumblr post.

1) Research

Knowing about the malady you are afflicting your character with is important. In the most optimal case this involves talking to an actual medical professional who is well-versed on that type of injury. However, since not all of us have doctors at our beck and call, a few articles from decent sources can suffice. Typically you're going to want these pieces of info:

symptoms (description fodder)

mechanism (how could this injury be sustained?)

level of impairment (know how and to what level the injury would reasonably impair someone. This info might need more digging around than the others)

healing time (know how long it takes to heal from this injury)

treatment (potentially including symptom management)

Having this knowledge will help ground your story in at least a touch of realism. Make sure your symptoms match the injury, make sure the mechanism of the injury is sufficient and just overall makes sense for the injury, don't have someone with a broken leg strolling around like nothing happened, don't have the healing time unexplainably short or long, don't treat shock by trying to cool them off, etc.

A quick note, if you are doing a fantasy/not-real injury or illness you don't get to necessarily skip this step. In fact, imo, it can become even harder since you have to fill in these details yourself. Remember, internal consistency is key.

2) Attach Relevance

You want the injury to matter to the plot or character development. Does the broken leg prevent a character from joining a big battle? Does the flu present an extra challenge to going to their daughter's dance recital? Does being weak or out of the action aggravate their hero complex or self worth issues prompting growth or self-reflection? Does a captive's injuries complicate a rescue mission? Does having their dominant arm injured force a usually brunt force reliant powerhouse to be more creative in their strategies? Does the overpowered character have to rely on their friends/allies more because of a certain injury?

Use the injury to show the level of a character's commitment or mental toughness, use it as an obstacle they have to work around, use it to up the stakes, use it to force them to be vulnerable or else show how unwilling they are to being vulnerable, use it to thwart the main team's perfect plan, use it to push a situation into even more dire straits, use it as an alternative to character death, etc etc. These are just a few ideas, there are numerous different ways you can use different injuries/illnesses in stories. Really think about how it could affect or reveal things about the plot, characters, and relationships.

As always, remember writing advice is highly subjective. Find what works for you. My number one writing advice is always to not take writing advice as hard truths :) happy writing!

[bri-does-art]

I know it's like the penultimate day of mermay but--

Guess whose wrist is beginning to get better :))

[barefeet-only]

Say Shawarma Right Now

It was a rainy August afternoon when Talia arrived in Gotham. It wasn’t a shock that it was raining, it always rained in Gotham. A depressing city with a depressing atmosphere. Why her love and son were so obsessed with it she would never know. So while Talia was prepared with her umbrella as she walked through the streets, waiting for her son’s compatriots to notice she was in town, she did not expect the humidity. This city always found a way to make her miserable. 

While she waited for her son to come find her, Talia made her way to her favorite local street vendor. A wonderful immigrant woman from Iran who had married a Turkish man and moved to the United States with hopes of grandeur. She had a talent for seasonings unheard of on this side of the Atlantic and it always made suffering through her chattering worth it. 

Talia noticed him as she made her way down the international market. A tall man with broad shoulders and a fit build. Not too muscular but enough to prove he went to the gym regularly. He was laughing loudly as he talked to the shawarma lady while she made his food. The cook was talking about how her son had finally gotten a girlfriend but forgot her birthday and was desperately trying to make it up to her. 

“Say wallah right now!” He jokingly exclaimed. 

“Wallah! Now I have a moping son and a no good husband stinking up the house right now. What I wouldn’t give to have a good boy like you as my child!”

Talia was on edge, something about this man was familiar to her. She couldn’t place where, but instinctually the assassin knew she knew this man. In her line of work, being able to place a face was the difference between life and death.

Talia took a seat at a nearby bench and began studying his side profile. He had thick black hair with an undercut and longer bangs on the front, a black stud on his lower lobe, and lightly tanned skin that would allow him to pass as white as long as he stayed out of the sun. While his piercing blue eyes should have been the first thing anyone would notice about him, it was the small curving scar behind his ear that instantly clued Talia in on his identity. 

“How much longer do you plan on staying in Gothman Danyal?” The cook asked. 

“Ah, I'm only here for another week now. Looks like we are closing the deal and I’ll be heading home.”

Danyal gave a cheerful smile to the lady as she handed him his food. 

“It’s partly why I came here to visit you, Mina. No one back home knows how to season like you do.” 

He leaned in and spoke low, “Or give me as good a discount.”

Mina tsked and smacked the man, “What a beggar! Got yourself a big fancy job and you’re still here asking for money off!”

Danyal winked at her and took a bite of his food, groaning in appreciation. 

Mina smiled, “Well I’m going to miss you dear boy. Please come visit some time.” 

“Boy?! How many times do I have to tell you I’m thirty!”

Danyal smiled genuinely and handed her a bright green business card, “But of course I’m going to visit. Here, this has my number on it, remind me to come visit in a couple months when you realize your best customer needs to help you pay your bills.”

She took the card and giggled. 

“Green? Really Danyal, you ought to be more professional with the job you have, this is why I call you boy. That and you barely look a day past twenty-three.” 

Danyal giggled and walked away, taking his meal with him. Talia was no longer hungry anymore. After a few moments she stood up and slowly followed him. She needed to know why he was in Gotham, she needed to know why he was alive. 

As they walked through the streets Talia noticed that Danyal was dry, the rain hadn’t stopped the entire time she had been in Gotham yet somehow Danyal had not a drop of moisture on him. He must have some device on him that allowed him to stay dry, there was no natural explanation. Dangerous she thought. Yet the moment the thought occurred to her, she recoiled at the idea. Danyal was a pathetic assassin, he had no talent for the craft at all and after all this time he finally instilled caution in her? Something was wrong, and Talia was determined to figure out what. If nothing else, she would finally achieve her greatest regret and kill Danyal herself. 

[wardingshout]

Zelda goes mushroom girl

[veryintricaterituals]

When I was in school I went to a friend's house to work on a project on a Friday afternoon. At about 6 or 6:30 when the sun was about to set her mom called us over to the livingroom. She lit two candles with my friend and then they proceeded to put the lit candles inside of a little cupboard so no one could see them. Me, a young jewish teenager asked her, my catholic friend, why they did that and she shrugged, said it was a family tradition to bring peace and prosperity, that the women of the family did it every friday evening and then hid the candles. They were very catholic, so I bit my tongue and we went back to her room to study.

This is just one of many, many, crypto jewish traditions that still exist in my hometown of Medellín, Colombia and I want to share a little bit about them with you.

Medellín is the capital city of a region called Antioquia and it is currently the second biggest city in my country. Now the weird thing about my region and my city more specifically is that it is in the middle of fucking nowhere, like we are in a valley in the middle of the andean mountains and it would take over two weeks by river, horse and river, and dunkey and mule to even get here before the invention of cars or trains.

Now Medellín was founded over 400 years ago, and families had been coming to the region for way before then, so that means that for centuries getting to my city from the sea or from the other big cities in the country was incredibly hard. This was by design, because Medellín itself was founded by about 28 families and we know for a fact that alteast half of them were crypto jews hidding from the Spanish Inquisition, and both before and the foundation more and more jewish families arrived to the region.

This is a known fact, the DNA of the people from the region has a lot of sepharadic jewish mixed in there. Early Colombian literature dating up to the 1845 would call the people of my region the Neogranadine Jews or the Colombian Jews. But because they were crypto jews the religion and most of the traditions were lost during the 400 years that have passed, now over 90% of the population is catholic and don't really know about their origins.

But some things stuck. And I want to tell you about them.

On the 7th night of December there is this pre-christmas festival called "El día de las velitas" or the little candle night that started and was unique to Antioquia. It's supposed to commemorate the candles that people had in the streets and the windows on the night Jesus was born and that helped Mary and Joseph to find their way. Do you know how this unique festival is celebrated in my city? People take to the streets to light candles, small colorful candles that they put in wooden planks or directly on the streets, it's the night that people decorate and turn on the christmas lights and it is so important and popular that we have an actual day off on the 8th of december.

Let me show you a few pictures

I don't think I need to explain this one. Even most goyim will know about Hannukah. But it is the weirdest thing when the dates coincide and we are all lighting candles together.

My dad was in the Jewish community board and we needed to rent a place to put our jewish daycare. They found this beautiful old house that had belonged to a family in colonial times but needed a little TLC. We had them remove some wooden floors because they were too old and rotting and found a huge Magen David made out stones in the center of the floor. The house also happened to have two separate kitchens and a mikveh or immersion bath in one of the rooms. These a very traditional things that colonial houses have in my region.

My grandmother converted to Judaism so I have a side from my family that is 100% from here and didn't arrive during the 20th century. I had the pleasure to meet both of my great grandparents from that side though they died when I was young. My grandma tells me that my greatgrandmother used to have one of these immersion baths in her house when she was growing up. Women were supposed to bathe in them after their periods had ended, my catholic great grandmother respected the mikveh traddition more than I ever have.

(I wish I had photos from that specific house but this happened over ten years ago, I'll show you some immersion baths from a different colonial houses that are also in my city)

Now how about we talk about traditional clothes. I'm sure most of you have heard of Ponchos, which are traditional in the Andean region, well the one from Antioquia is a little different and it's always supposed to be worn with a hat. Let's see if you can spot what I mean.

A few years ago Spain decided to grant citizenship to the descendants of the Jewish people that they had exiled in 1492. To get it you had to prove through family trees that your family had been Jewish. My city got the most ammount of passports out of everyone in the world, more than Israel. I could have applied from both my family that came from Egypt in the 20th century (we still have the keys to our house in Spain) or through my catholic side, as both of my grandmother's last names applied. I didn't but I could have.

I don't really know why I decided to finally write this post. I have so many more stories. I just think it's both incredibly sad that so much Jewish culture and people were lost but also it's a little heartwarming to see what survived even centuries down the line.

[ch1zzie]

Julie💔

With no words or dootels

Dootels

Words

[markofalover]

take me, take me (i’m yours)

words: 5,432 | rating: E

tag list: @eddiebabygirldiaz @kananjarus @llovely @caroandcats @inthecarwithaboy @leothil @blorbodiaz (interact to be on tag list! <3)

“You look…tense.” “Oh,” Eddie says, dumbly. He looks down at the clenched hands in his lap and tries his best to relax them. He doesn’t dare look up at Chimney again, just—keeps looking down, wriggling his fingers around like he’s testing out if he can still move them. “I—no. Everything’s okay.” “Okay,” Chimney draws out. Eddie doesn’t need to be looking at him to know he’s sharing a look with Hen. “Your leg bouncing might trigger an earthquake, though.”

read on ao3

[moongothic]

Crocodad AU where immidiately after having left Dragon and his baby boy Crocodile finds an 11 year old Robin. And while he's 100% only recruiting her so they can make a beeline for the Poneglyph and Pluton in Alabasta by the two of them... Crocodile accidentally sorta kinda adopts Robin.

At this point Robin's been running for her life from the Government for three years so her deep trust issues and fear of betrayal are starting to take root in her little heart. Like perhaps they haven't taken fully over yet, and being still a child I'm sure Robin might've still had that genuine hope that she could find a safe place to stay in. But I'm sure the though of "what'll he'll do with me once he gets what he wants?" would be nagging at her at the back of her mind. Meanwhile Crocodile's struggling between the pain and hurt he's already gone through and given him his trademark trust issues, as well as the aftermath of The Dragodile Divorce. But he also has his Fresh Paternal Instincts and probably misses his baby. So when given a small, scared child who is running for her life, being chased by the very same Government that'll want his son dead if they ever find out about him... Yeah that might fuck with your brain a little

You know this post was supposed to be just that first paragraph and just a few footnotes from the following two paragraphs. And then I kept on Having Thoughts. And I kept on writing them down. And oh no what happened when did this post get so long (Look I was going to either kept on writing my Additional Thoughts in the tags or I just put them in the actual fucking post)

Like considder this: based on this one SBS, we can kinda tell that if Crocodile was given a chance to raise a child, that child would be a spoiled little shit, right

So in this scenario, where Crocodile's looking after lil Robin, would he be kind of torn? Unsure how to feel about her?

Because on one hand, this strange child would have the potential to not only ruin his plans, strip him of his Shichibukai Privileges by outing him and his plans to the World Government, but also put his son in grave danger by extension (if she found out about him having been involved with the Revolutionaries and/or having a child). But on the other hand, his paternal instincts could make him want to spoil this poor little girl rotten. But only because he needs to (perhaps literally) buy her trust so she'll behave. No other reason, he doesn't feel sorry for her one bit, no sirree. (But maybe he did feel sorry for her, since his son could very well end up exactly like her. Poor little thing) (Which is why he needs to nuke Marijoa out of orbit as soon as possible, no matter the cost, and this child can't get in the way of Crocodile protecting his son) (But also this is a child. Like how bad could she be. Besides all he really needs to do to win her trust is be nice and make her feel safe, right?)

Of course, while I'm suggesting Crocodile could have some parental instincts, realistically, he hasn't actually spent any time being, you know, a father to a child (looking after his newborn for an unknown though short amount of time aside), so it's possible he wouldn't even know how to parent Robin even if he wanted to, would he? (Like taking care of a newborn and an 11 year old kid aren't the same either) So if he was kind of just emotionally flipflopping between No Trusting Ever and It's Just A Kid for God's Sake, Crocodile trying to be nice to Robin to make her feel safe and then telling himself to stop being so soft and vunerable... Yeah that would make for an absolute mess of a relationship. (Not to mention, let's be real, dude's a scary motherfucker too, and a bloody giant compared to itty bitty baby Robin. He could keep on accidentally scaring the shit out of Robin (who would be On Fucking Edge To Begin With) by just Being Himself. Like for example, can you fucking imagine if he caught Robin trying to cheer herself up with a little "dereshishishi" only to tell her to stop because "it was stupid"? 'Cause I can imagine him doing that, and boy howdy would that make Robin feel bad)

Or who knows, maybe Crocodile was just Born To Be A Dad, maybe he just Fucking Gets It. Like Crocodile is canonically pretty good at manipulating people to do what he wants them to do (see: how he played Vivi like a fiddle), so knowing Robin's position and understanding how she feels, maybe he COULD completely nail how she needed to be treated. Not being too familiar but still making her feel safe and happy, knowing exactly when to be stern and when to spoil her, etc. Dude just goes off and wins the Dad of the Year Award while being a deadbeat dad himself. The only thing Crocodile would have to worry about then would be making sure HE doesn't get too fond of her. And certainly that could never happen, he's so in-touch with his own feelings and so grounded, he's not a softie, get outta here. Or maybe he does but never realizes until it's too late and good luck backpedalling on those emotions now dumbass

Alright so, the reason I went on that whole rmble is just that like. I'm so interested in the relationship Robin and Crocodile already have in canon. I'm so facinated and curious about how the two feel about each other, considdering they did spend 4 whole years of their lives together as criminal business partners, though neither ever trusted the other. A partnership that was only ended because Robin betrayed Crocodile, out of her own trauma. (God, I want to see these two "reunite" so bad, I want to know how they feel about each other now after the timeskip and Robin joining the idiot in flipflops who foiled Croc's plans)

My question here is just that... if they had met 13 years earlier, would things have been different? Especially if Crocodad Real? Because as I mentioned in the begining, Robin would've been on the run for only 3 years by this point, as opposed to 16 years before running into Crocodile. Simultaneously, this would be before Crocodile went onto spend an entire decade all alone, slowly losing his marbles in his emotional solitude. They'd both be emotionally traumatized, yes, but would it have been as bad in this scenario? Like I did start this post kind of joking about Crocodile adopting Robin, and for clarity's sake I don't think they'd have like a father-daughter relationship nececarily. But it would be a strange relationship still, because we'd have two broken people, both struggling to trust anyone. One who had lost her mother and her only friends, leaving her all alone and afraid while running for her life. The other a father who had just given up his son whom he probably missed dearly. Both having these holes in their hearts from loss of family, holes that could not be filled with replacements. But could they find comfort in each other anyway, because they still as people occupy similar roles to their respective loved ones? If they both could just get over those trust issues?

Okay I've been going off on the Emotional Side Of Things for this AU Concept, THERE'S PLOT TOO

So if Crocodile did pick Robin up like 19 years ago, that should be before he set up base in Alabasta, long before he had built is homebase and financial empire etc.

Now the thing is, while we don't know when, where and how Crocodile learned about the Ancient Weapons, Pluton specifically and how the lead on it would be in Alabasta... Considdering Crocodile did once upon a time aim to become Pirate King, it would make perfect sense if he had learned about Poneglyphs during his past adventures, as he would have needed to get the Road Poneglyphs to find One Piece. And while the World Government did bury the truth about why Ohara had been burned down and why Robin had been given her bounty (remember, the WG claimed it was because she had sunken a fleet of battleships, which she had not, it was because she could read the Poneglyphs), considdering this is a Crocodad AU specifically, you could totally make an argument Crocodile could've learned about what actually happened to Ohara from Dragon and co. So, just to make this AU work, you could just assume Crocodile learned about the concept of the Ancient Weapons from Dragon. And who knows, maybe he overheard the truth about why Robin had been given her bounty from Dragon too (maybe Dragon was able to get intel from Garp in secret) or while going to Marijoa himself to attend a Shichibukai meeting or something IDK.

Maybe he learned about Pluton being in Alabasta before finding Robin by accident, and maybe they made a beeline for Alabasta the second Croc recruited Robin. Travelling takes time and the guy would've most likely had to find an Eternal Pose to Alabasta just to get there (also canonically Robin didn't enter the Grand Line until her 20s so they should've met in West Blue probably, since that's where Ohara was) Or maybe Crocodile had to haul Robin around for a few months while looking for That Missing Piece of Information that would lead him to Alabasta. (Imagine the two travelling from like island to island, library to library, Crocodile trying to find that leads while Robin's just so excited about ALL THESE BOOKS (she's helping too with the research) (but to her, research is playtime, so she's just having the time of her life) (Also, notice how Crocodile's Theoretical Child is a fucking loser ass nerd? Yeah Crocodile would encourage Robin reading and studying, surely. And that would be fucking cute))

But like, once they set sail to Alabasta...

Sure, Crocodile could try to do it The Slow Way that we know he tried in canon, building trust and creating his little empire etc. But also, in canon, Crocodile couldn't have jumped into action head first because without Robin, even if he had found the Poneglyph he couldn't have read it and found the location of Pluton. Crocodile choosing to do it the slow way may have been partially because he didn't have much of a choise and it could've felt like the smarter move long-term.

But in this scenario, he already has Robin. Yes, he could do it the slow, secure way.

But what'd be there stopping him from infiltrating Cobra's palace and kidnapping him (in the night, when nobody suspects a thing), demanding Cobra to spill the beans lest Crocodile kills him and/or his pregnant wife* (*Vivi was born 10 months after Luffy so depending on how long it's been between Crocodad leaving Luffy behind and this scenario... Yeah either the wife is there, still pregnant, or there's a newborn Baby Vivi)

Like it'd be a risky move but depending on how ballsy Croc's feeling and how confident he feels in being able to kidnap the king without being noticed... Yeah he could probably do it. And I'm sure he'd have no problem killing Cobra either, if anything it'd be required if he didn't want the Government to find out he was out to find Pluton, and god knows Cobra would tell on Crocodile if left alive. I could see Crocodad being maybe a little iffy about killing Baby Vivi though (it's not like the newborn baby could report him to the WG anyways), but if nothing else, he just needs to be able to pull off the bluff of his life to convince Cobra to do as he's told. And we all know Crocodile's good at convincing people.

The only question is, how would Robin take that?

Watching Crocodile go into Full Murder Mode, hearing him say he'd kill a pregnant woman/a newborn baby if he didn't get what he wanted? Like yeah, I'm sure 11 year old Robin would be fine with that, that wouldn't make any alarm bells go off in her head at all, it'd be fiiiine. IT WOULD NOT BE FINE, SHE'D BE SCARED SHITLESS. That fear of "what will he do with me when he gets what he wants"? Well, Robin may not have found the answer to that question in particular, but she certainly found the answer to the opposite question, and it's not good

So say Cobra, kidnapped (perhaps with Baby Vivi) by Crocodile in the night, guides the two to the Poneglyph under the tombs. Crocodile puts Cobra out of his misery because he's not needed anymore. And he asks Robin to read the Poneglyph for him.

Robin, who has spent the last little while, be it weeks or months with Crocodile, him having become her "guardian", the thing keeping her safe. Crocodile, who has now shown how cold blooded and cruel he can be. Robin, who might be scared out of her mind. Of him.

And the Poneglyph says Pluton, the thing Crocodile wants, isn't there. It's in Wano.

What's she going to do?

EDIT: I wrote a sequel post, enjoy

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[iamhereinthebg]

Spoilers Tbhk chapter 126

The end of the new chapter appears with a brand new question: Who is this Akane?

Is he the same one as the one Nene just tried to kill in the last Timeline?

I had a lot of random ideas about it, so let's talk about it! Disclaimer: It will be a little bit all over the place, some ideas will contradict each other! It's mostly to see what we have right now.

One of my first idea is: Nene doesn't exist in the Present anymore.

At the end of the chapter, Nene appears during the 103rd festival which takes place in 2005, 10 years before the main timeline, and for once, she doesn't seem to wanna use the sandglass right away.

Which means it may be a timeline where Akane and Teru remember, like in chapter 112, and Akane realizes that Nene doesn't exist as she should. It may be even coming from before this after all since she was born in 1999/2000, she should be 5/6 in 2005. He then decided or is asked by Kako to check each festival from 2014 to older years, to see when she is.

It also seems that the Clock of the clock keepers only functions during the three days of the festival. I won't go into details but I am pretty sure they can use the clock keepers biggest power at least only during the festival, which is why time is also so fragile at this period and would also explain the three days limit for the memories.

Second Idea:

Nene is 'stuck' in the hourglass.

This is Kako's reaction to Nene using the hourglass, he is shocked and angry that she wants to use it despite saying his Tale but here he seems just 'mildly annoyed'. The hourglass did disappear with her though. It's great to keep in mind that The sanglass wants to get more and more people into it, probably gaining power like this like the God Pit. Contrary to the God of the pit who at least gives people wishes in exchange, the SandGlass only set people to fail. Its malicious intention way more present than the other Kami the god pit.

It always make Nene go back to the Sand everytime, never allowing her to say she wants to get her old timeline back, to stay there, never giving her a break into the loop, driving people quickly into madness and losing all senses of self.

'It's alright, you can try again and again and again' until your lose your life and soul so you can join us. The Sandglass already knows what's waiting for anyone who uses it, it's never offering a solution, just forcing her to go back until she completely loses it. Making her thinks she has a choice in any of the decisions when she has none. After killing all her friends, I am pretty sure only a few more loops would be enough to make her take her own life or die by becoming much more reckless, and finally be part of the sandglass.

All stories told by Kako end up with the person using it dying. Either by their own hands or by others. The only one who ''didn't kill himself'' is the ClockMaker, putting a curse onto his own soul so it could never rest, so his soul would remember what he did and create a supernatural born from grief. So he could prevent people from doing the same mistake as all those people. The clockMaker is the only one who didn't use the sandglass 'one last time' to get what he wanted.

The Sandglass doesn't care what the present will look like, it only wants to empower itself by using greedy humans.

Which is why I think there is a possibility that the timeline Nene is in right now, is 'stuck' in the sandglass. I can't explain exactly how it would work tbh, maybe that just the sandglass 'create' false or alternatives timelines, enough to make the human using it go insane. Like it's a sandglass who can ''travel'' through timelines? I don't really know how it would work, but the dimension Nene is in is clearly a different space like the Nowhere where rules don't apply as in the real world.

But only humans can have access to it, hence why Akane is the one at the end who appears to potentially get her out, not Kako or Mirai, but a human, who can break the rules that bound the supernaturals and can fall under curses more easily, who can be cursed so can lure the sanglass to allow him to use his power. The sandglass would allow a human to use it, not a supernatural.

I already said here that I think there is a possibility Akane was already going after Nene since some times. The question now is: from which timeline it is? This this will be even harder to explain.

I personnaly think that Akane from the first new timeline (chapter 112 to 125) and from chapter 111 are the same, or at least, share the same memories.

Everything he says in chapter 113 is just so personal.

Which add to my idea that Nene is in a different timeline, that is not the same as the one she just left. She is not trying to change the timelines she is in, she is in a brand new one. The last twos were way more linked together than the ones Nene is in.

Because Teru and Akane don't remember anything, compared to the old one where the clock keepers used their powers.

Like when Kako uses its power in chapter 27, or when people are stuck in boundaries.

People with high spiritual energy always have better chance to remember.

Which implies to me that Nene hasn't really gone back in Time in the same way as they did previously. The Sandglass works differently that the clock keepers's clock. Kako and the Cat stayed in the real hourglass/clock.

Nene only has a part of its sand. The big part of it is controled by Kako and is what helps going back in Time, the clock keepers' powers over the Past.

I just wanna note that for the new timeline, only those who were present during the changes, ended up remembering right away (Nene and Teru). But it still happened at one point for others characters like Kou and Mitsuba/Sousuke. Characters like Tsuchigomori aren't shown remembering anything, but it's hard to say how much it may affect him since he is an old supernatural. His three days of memories left may have already passed, this memory thing is really wonky and only works when AidaIro want it to work though so I have no proof.

I also personnaly don't think the Akane from the many timelines Nene goes through, is the same as we see at the end of chapter 125. I don't think this Akane is supposed to remember the timelines. For a lot of different reasons that I think don't make sense, but Nene is pretty obvious in the way she acts that something is happening.

Akane doesn't change anything in the way he acts at all. He even worries for her because she acts differently and says non sensical stuff. There is no way he remembers all those timelines here. Or he can have the Oscar for the best actor idk it makes no sense. The only thing where I am not sure is the last one, the only time for me he would finally remembers all of it, is when he is dying. But I still think it's a weak plot point, really random and would go against the idea that he has been looking for her for some times.

(Funny note: Akane is a character who is always shown with half lidded eyes when ''''dying''''compared to the others like Teru. He is dying/losing conciousness, not dead/inconscious, right away.)

I still feel like what Kako did is way different than what Nene is doing with the hourglass. Nene is under the sandglass's influence, Kako uses its power only once to get things right (from his pov), never using it without taking precautions and doing his own investigation before acting.

Nene has a part of the sandglass, the core that wants it so bad to be used by human, but Kako still has the biggest part of its power with all the sand present when Nene enters the Clock.

And Kako, is supposedly working with Akane.

Let's go over Akane's role as a clock keeper.

This is more of a personal preference, but it would be insane to me that Akane has been stuck in the old timeline, in the boundary, alone, not doing anything when he has one of the most ''pro active'" personality of the cast. And especially that all this last arc, was for nothing. This arc already makes me mad that apparently no one will remember, this is just unfair to all others characters.

The idea of memories is important for the Clock Keepers in general. The idea that Nene is here using a hourglass creating different timelines and Kako being able to remember the first timelines/changes don't seem like a big stretch to me. They can't pinpoint exactly where/when Nene is and what she has changed since Akane implies that he has been looking for her for some time, with the 'Finally'.

But they know and remember that she is traveling through Time.

Which still begs the question of: why is Akane here in his clock keeper outfit if he doesn't remember/if he is supposed to be dead since he died in all new timelines? And I will be really honest with you and says that I have no clues which make really sense.

If we go into a more of one of the Meta sense of the Present, Akane may have something like Shijima's power.

A kind of power of Ubiquity power, but accross Timelines. There is the human Akane from the new Timeline, and the one from the boundary.

And the one, stuck in the clock keepers boundary, gain the memories of the others once they are erased, like a safety net so the supernatural part of him can still exist like Kako wants him to. By creating new timelines, it create new Akanes, that shares all memories before the changes were done by Kako but the clock keepers of the present is still out there. And with those memories he can see if something has gone wrong, that multiples bad timelines are being created, which is why, he finally acts now.

The only thing that point to this, is the fact that it's implied that Akane has two bodies. And that we don't really know how it works. But it's pretty clear that these two bodies are separated, they only share the same soul. (and we know that souls can be cut too)

He is way stronger and resistant as a supernatural.

If he kept his injuries, Akane should have died when the severance happened, or at least be not okay but he was. His injury only coming back when he gained his clock keeper form back in chapter 85.

Throughout the manga he is one of the character that has taken a lot of injuries, but only in his clock keeper form, and it never interferes with his human body, not even once.

(disclaimer: it may only be just a choice of Aidairo to absolutely refuse to show consequences btw :)) I will put it here because for all others characters it worked like this too when they went back from the far shore, humans go back to how they were when coming back from a boundary)

It's also shown that his power don't work when he wants to use it, because another Kami is in front of him. But he also supposedly know that it doesn't work outside of the school? And he thought that it would give Nene his autorisation but it broke?

We also know that his watch works outside of school in supernaturals prominent places, like the far shore.

I honestly don't really know how it would work, but I at least really think that Akane from the new timeline and the one in the boundary in chapter 111 have the same memories that's for sure. Is the human Akane able to use travel in time if he doesn't go himself 'free the clock keeper Akane'? I am not really sure how it would work once again.

The Akane in the new timeline is still Akane, like every other characters. I am just not sure about the timelines Nene is going through in the loops though. But I can't explain it more than 'it may be something the sandglass is trying to copy the way her friends are/to give her a sense of false security'. Is it some kind of tests to see how long Nene's soul would break? The sandglass don't even need to really travel back in time, it just needs to break Nene's soul to get her in the sand. But tbh this would be a weird choice too. So I am not sure about this, just that the sandglass definitely doesn't work the same way as Kako's clock.

The last option is, Akane at the end of chapter 126 is the one from chapter 111 (so from the old Timeline) and he absolutely doesn't share memories with Akane from the new Timelines, only Kako told him to go after Nene in the Timeloops. But once again it would kinda strange and really underwhelming from AidaIro, the writing for the characters this arc were... not really good for most of them, Nene being the only expection. I at least want one of the character to remember the Timeline we have been in since 1 year (10/12 chapters) for us readers. And Akane is the one who would make the most sense.

Last insane theory is Akane is the cat and he already tried to travel through time without being allowed to and Kako punished him but I won't expand on this because I don't like it much and would add a layer of 'wtf is happening' to this already really confusing arc.

New insane theory: he has another body that's made like the one of the clock keepers since they can cut souls. (I don't like it but here it is)

The clock keeper of the present can see through the eyes of people using the hourglass (no proof at all for this too jut random ideas)

And for the question: Will Akane pay the price to go back to the old Timeline? I already talked a little bit about it : here

I will be really honest but the only way it could have worked for me is: if it was confirmed that Akane was supposed to die at 12 and that the clock keepers extended his life with the contract, in the condition that they can take it back if needed.

But once again, we have no infos, Akane would have known this and I personally think it would be unfair to do that. To Akane, and to the clock keepers as characters. And for the loop Nene is stuck in, why would Akane pay for this? He isn't Kou or Hanako, Akane is a kind character, still he woudln't do something like this right away as the first solution expect if he had no choice, it's not Akane's place to pay for this. Nene shouldn't either but it would make more sense for her to pay a price to me for her timeloops.

I will end all of this to say that AidaIro's writing has... not been the greatest for me in this last arc. I understand the need to keep a lot of things mysterious, but they often put setups they never use after (*coughs* the key Nene got from Amane from the past *coughs* Akane's weird body thing I absolutely don't understand) and now we have so littles informations that we can create anything we want if we cross random informations.

I don't think it's too bad if people guess stuff from time to time, if it means the writing is less blurry. Being able to do theories is cool, but like the broadcasting club I just think it makes everything way more underwheling. Right now, absolutely everything could happen, and we could only nod. Because we have absolutely no informations, on Akane's contract, on how time travels really work in tbhk, wtf is going on with Amane and the big clock, how boundaries and the fare shore really work, why tf is Tsuchigomori a supernatural that can appear to human and not some of the others, why Nene is so special and what is the limits of her ''powers'' etc... They refuse to acknowledges some of the early rules they put, and absolutely don't make the characters deal with consequences. I really hope I will be proven wrong this time and to note that this is my opinion btw, but it's been a long time I've had this feeling with the writing and it's even worst with this arc.

I am glad Nene was proven wrong in this chapter (and it ties to something I talk about here more in details with Kou's character too), mostly because it's good to see something that has been implied since some times.

Nene is a good person, a really nice person, but play with the rules when they have been said explicitly, and see how they answer you.

Supernaturals are bound by rules and I truly think humans characters will be the ones who help them all in the end like it has been happening in the manga, even if humans are also the causes of a lot of their sufferings.

I think a human, will be the one to break the curse and the timeline from the clock keepers who are too stuck on their own rules, because it's still not fair. Nene is absolutely right on this and we understand why she took this risk. But I am still glad Nene was proven wrong this time. You can't expect to play with something as powerful as Time and think you will be okay after it.

They were against Death and Life in the last arc, trying to play by the rules and go out of it without consequences. Now they are against something more powerful than Death, something that can controls everything and suposedly exists everywhere, Time.

And the last thing they will probably be against, with the 7th mystery, will be something even more powerful than that.

Something probably close to Omnipotence, Creation and Destruction. Something that doesn't exist by the rules.

Little detail:

It's important to note that the Future still hasn't woken up yet contrary to the Past, since the Present isn't fixed/isn't here :)))

I can't wait to see if she will have a bigger role now, I am excited for her to appear at least. I also don't think Kako said the full truth and we will have the rest of their backstories a little bit later.

[elodee3]

*head in hands*

[watermelonsloth]

Hiruzen and Danzo are more complicated than people give them credit for

It says it all in the title.

Hiruzen and Danzo are among the most hated characters in all of Naruto, and I’m not entirely removed from that crowd of haters. They’re probably among the easiest characters you can argue are just bad people. Or, at minimum, people who did horrendous, unjustifiable things (or allowed them to happen in Hiruzen’s case). However, I think that because people hate them so much, no one wants to take a closer look at their characters and the more complicated/human reasons why they make the choices they do.

Hiruzen is spineless and that’s a hill I’ll die on, but he’s spineless in one of these most sympathetic and realistic ways I’ve seen depicted in media. Specifically, he’s the walking talking representation of the fallibility of compassion. Hiruzen cares about so many people so deeply that he would rather stand by and let people get hurt than to hurt them himself. He ignores the fact Danzo keeps trying to kill him because he knows he’ll likely have to execute him as retribution and he doesn’t want to kill his best friend, he turns a blind eye to Orochimaru’s dark side because he doesn’t want to fight/kill his student, Tsunade isn’t labeled a rogue ninja because he doesn’t want to put a bounty on his student/mentor’s granddaughter’s head, he let the Hizashi situation and Uchiha Massacre happen because he didn’t want to risk subjecting his people to the horrors of war that he experienced, and he died because he couldn’t bring himself to go all out against his mentors (even if they were reanimated and emotionless versions) or student.

I’m not defending Hiruzen’s actions or lack thereof. Obviously, this is a deeply flawed way to go about life, especially as a leader of a country where you have to regularly make difficult trolly-problem decisions. But Hiruzen is meant to be a deeply flawed individual. He’s like the family of an abuser that refuses to properly step in to stop the abuse because they love the abuser and don’t want to face the idea that the abuser is a bad person. I’m not saying Hiruzen is a good person or in the right, I’m just saying he’s realistic.

If Hiruzen is “the few over the many”, then Danzo is “the many over the few” with a sprinkle of “the ends always justify the means”. Danzo is, at his core, someone who is always trying to do what’s best for the village. He turned Hanzo against the Akatsuki to keep the group from gaining too much power and becoming another threat to Konoha (keeping in mind that Amegakure is adjacent to the Land of Fire), he pushed for the Uchiha Massacre to keep a civil war from breaking out, he killed the messenger toad to keep Naruto away from Konoha and the nine tails out of Pain’s grasp. He created ROOT to make sure that Konoha had a back up fighting force that was highly trained, wouldn’t turn against the village, and were willing to do what even ninja wouldn’t. Even Danzo’s choice to essentially turn on the village by trying to kill Hiruzen was motivated by him trying to do what he thought was best for the village. After all, he knew better than anyone how bad of a Hokage Hiruzen was.

A lot of people oversimplify Danzo into “the selfish, corrupt asshole”—and while I can agree that he’s selfish and corrupt, he’s selfish and corrupt in very specific ways. The corruption is the most obvious and easiest to explain. Danzo is willing to do anything he thinks will benefit the village; that includes working with bad people and using backhanded tactics. As for his selfishness, it stems from one specific thing: Tobirama telling Hiruzen to become Hokage over him.

For a while I was confused why Danzo got a flashback flashbacked to this scene before he died. Now, I think I’ve settled on it being because the scene was at the core of Danzo’s character and greatest character flaws because it was also his greatest regret. It’s pretty clear that Danzo wants to become Hokage and it’s implied that he’s had this dream for a long while. However, Tobirama—his mentor, the former Hokage, and one of the people to define what it meant to be Hokage—chose Hiruzen over him. Because Hiruzen was willing to sacrifice himself for his comrades while Danzo, who knew he should’ve done the same, was too cowardly to offer himself up.

Then he never really grows out of that cowardice. Instead, he looks down on Hiruzen to cope with his own sense of inferiority, gives himself body modifications to become a stronger ninja more capable of defending the village, and obtains as much political power as he can. He remains a coward who prefers letting other people take the fall over fighting his own battles (setting up Hanzo to fight the Akatsuki, asking Orochimaru to kill Hiruzen, ordering Itachi to kill the Uchiha clan, etc.) right up until he uselessly “sacrifices” himself right before he was going to die anyways.

Most of Danzo’s selfish actions come down to him not being able to accept his failure at becoming Hokage while also refusing to learn from his mentor’s final lesson.

I honestly think that Naruto has some of the best representation of bad people simply because it consistently acknowledges two things about bad people: 1. People who do bad things usually do them because they grew up being taught that doing bad things were okay or necessary to survive (being abused, societal normalization, never being punished, early exposure to things like domestic violence, etc.) and 2. Even if they don’t necessarily think they’re good people, the large majority of people don’t think they’re bad or evil. Both Hiruzen and Danzo were raised by a generation haunted by war only to be thrust into two world wars themselves (one at a young age and one when they were older). This left them both traumatized and willing to do anything to avoid experiencing it again. And even if they acknowledge that they’ve made mistakes, they still don’t (seem to) see themselves as bad people, only people who are committing the lesser of two evils.

[riality-check]

ao3 link

Heimerdinger’s class is set up… unconventionally. That is how Viktor thinks of it when he is being diplomatic. Ordinarily, he thinks of it as bullshit.

There is no graded homework, which means there is no homework in Viktor’s eyes. The material is trivial for the most part, and he does not see a need to waste time on practice problems he can guess the answers to. The class has two midterms, each worth a quarter of the grade, and one final project.

One project. Worth half the grade. Viktor read the syllabus five times to make sure he was not having a stroke.

To make it worse, the project had one instruction: make something.

When Heimerdinger failed to follow up that statement, Viktor worried the professor was the one having a stroke.

Viktor creates throughout the semester. He makes a semi-permanent cover for the smoke alarm in his dorm, fashions a hydraulic hinge to ease the load of pushing his unduly heavy door open, and copies the keys to the library so he can get to the better study spaces before it opens and someone else can steal the high chairs by the good windows.

He is not secretive about any of this. He is sure his roommate - Viktor does not remember his name, but he does remember how he talked of what the Academy was like when his father and grandfather attended - complained about his endless tinkering after he got his room reassigned. Yet he is only approached once by other students of the Academy.

A few other students on his floor, the kind that his old roommate frequently fraternized with, the kind with soft hands and heavy watches, approach him about building a machine to count money for their “semi-legal” poker matches. They tell him that he can even be in charge of the money for a cut, if he’d like.

The coin would not hurt. It would be nice to have something extra to spend, to be able to go into town with the rest of them and actually buy something instead of keeping his hands in his pockets. It would be nice to get fresh fruit from the market instead of the meals served at school. It would be nice to be able to afford a trip back down. He has some people he would like to visit. Some people he owes for being here.

He tells the other students no, that he cannot do it, but he would like to play if they ever had an open seat.

Viktor has no intention of ever wasting time gambling, nor does he have the money to begin the habit in the first place. He just wants to confirm what he suspects. And the other students do that for him, with tense smiles of whiter than white - strange that they have so many sweets here and yet they do not rot - that fail to reach their eyes.

They are perfectly content to have a trencher count their Piltie coins, but they would never want them sitting at the same table.

Viktor only makes useful things. It has been that way since he was a child, and his first semester at the Academy is no different. Everything he creates, from the window screen he rigged out of layers of wire scraps from the engineering laboratory (copied those keys as well) to the heat/ice pack he fashioned from chemistry lab leftovers, has a use. With the project deadline fast approaching, he figures he should do the same for Heimerdinger’s singular, inane project.

So, he makes a cane.

As the semester progressed, and as he learned from Heimerdinger’s surprisingly engaging lectures, he realized his current cane was insufficient. This should not have been surprising; he had been using it for years. It had cracked along one side, and it was a little too short as a result of his most recent (though less than impressive) growth spurt. In truth, he had probably needed a new cane for some time now, but he often had more pressing matters to attend to. If he had it his way, he would only replace it if it broke, but that would be worse long term. 

He knew that. He was not stupid.

The course gave him dedicated time to perfect a design that would, hopefully, last for a time, since he had almost certainly stopped growing. The course, being introductory, did not have a lab, so Viktor made his own. In his dorm.

It is little wonder his roommate leaves halfway through the semester. Viktor supposes maybe he was in the wrong for using his contraband soldering iron (found in the trash, only took a little coaxing to work again) past midnight, but he is of the opinion that his roommate should not have been bringing people back to the dorm to have sex with them. On weeknights. With Viktor there. Trying to sleep.

He thinks it breaks even.

In total, he makes two dozen canes. He plans every design diligently using the equations and principles copied down from Heimerdinger’s truly atrocious blackboard scrawl. He tries various materials and carves them into different shapes, testing what fits his hand better, what balances better, and what holds the most weight.

(He learns early to test the last factor leaning toward his bed. When a model he fashioned for the express purpose of testing the minimum amount of material necessary to function predictably snapped, Viktor failed to put his other hand out in time and smashed his face on the unforgiving floor.

Once his nose stopped bleeding and he could overcome the screaming pain in his leg to pull himself into his desk chair, he wrote down his observations.)

He pens all his observations, complete with schematics, equations, and graphs of the various factors that make a cane a good cane. It takes up ten sheets of paper, front and back, because why waste perfectly good space?

Viktor finds throughout the process that most canes are not good canes. They are uncomfortable to hold for long, or too weak, or too unstable, or some combination of the three. The more models he makes - and, in many cases, breaks - the more he realizes that most of the canes he has seen in the Undercity are not good canes. They are cobbled from scraps, from old parts torn from metal and wood and whatever else available. They are fragile and jagged, unyielding and practical. Just like his people.

If he can make a good cane quickly and cheaply, that could mean something. That could improve lives for so many people, however little.

Viktor would like to do more, but, as he has done all his life, he recognizes his limitations. He is a first year university student from the Undercity. He is the only university student from the Undercity. As much as his ambition craves doing something grand and good, he is not in a position to accomplish that yet. He must walk the tightrope. Roll over on command. Ask “how high” whenever they tell him to jump, always looking confused if he ever mentions the pain.

He grits his teeth. There is only the work.

All the final projects for all of Heimerdinger’s class sections are presented at an end of semester research symposium, open to the entire Academy. It is… overwhelming, to say the least. Heimerdinger teaches an inordinate amount of sections, judging from the plethora of people Viktor must dodge in order to arrive at his assigned table. He sets up his presentation, which does not take him very long, and looks around to see what he typically sees in Piltover.

Waste.

The other research projects are… Viktor cannot tell what they are. They are loud and flashy. They clack and whirr. Some of them play music, others destroy little block towers. Others still build them up.

Viktor cannot see a practical use for any of them. They are toys.

There was a time when he built toys. It was a time before he was confronted with the true magnitude of his own limitations - now that he is aware, constantly, he wonders how that was ever the case - and the cruelty some of humanity was capable of. He built toys for nothing other than the fact that he could, that it was fun to put parts together and have them work, that success delighted him.

But things change. Viktor grew up. He lost the time for toys, lost the drive for anything impractical. He became devoted to what mattered: survival and altruism. If it was not necessary, if it did not help, then he could not afford the waste.

The other university students, some who have surely known hardship but clearly never learned to starve, can. They build toys, contraptions that buzz and whirr and shine to the dazzlement of their audiences, who gather around their presentations to ooh and ahh over them.

No such audience gathers near Viktor. They pass him by curiously, eyeing him as the oddity and paying no attention to his work. They whisper behind their hands, and while the other voices in the room and the clack of the other frivolous machines drown them out, they are obviously talking about him.

City of Progress, and yet they refuse to see beyond appearances.

The rage bubbles up in Viktor, but he swallows it down. He smiles politely at passersby and converses pleasantly with those few who ask about his project. He bites his tongue when their gazes wander to the spectacles he is surrounded by. He resists the urge to sit on the edge of the table. 

They did not give him a chair. Good that today he experienced next to no pain.

Toward the end of the three hours, Heimerdinger arrives at his table. 

He only examines the presentation curiously. He does not comment. He simply writes on his notepad and offers a kind smile. Then he moves on to the next table, where he enthusiastically greets a student who made a glittering music box.

Viktor sees his grade during the next class. Stellar marks, but no comments. Satisfactory, but unremarkable.

The semester ends, and his other classes return the same grades. Perfect, but nothing more to say.

Viktor does not like attention. He is used to lingering eyes on him, whispered remarks as he passes by. He has been examined by doctors and openly judged in public. If he could exist without that clear prying that so many seem entitled to, he would. But with how he is built (wrong, he is built wrong, there is no amount of sickly sweet sugarcoating for it) that will never be a possibility.

But he wants his work to have attention. To be worth something. To be discussed. He wants to be known as an inventor, not a cripple.

So, as he spends the winter holidays between semesters fixing the subpar heating in his dormitory because he could not afford to go home, he resolves to be done keeping his head down. To cut the tightrope. To fly instead of jump.

If they are going to stare, he will meet their eyes. If they are going to whisper, he will answer. If they are going to make him a spectacle, he will construct a spectacle instead.

There is only the work. And he will outwork them.

Read the other part here. And another part here. And even more here. And even even more here. And here.

[purpleelephantsocks]

Oh god, oh fuck, oh no; the parallels between Jean at the beginning of tsc panicking and telling Wymack "I want to go home" and Jean at the end of tsc falling apart after finding out his baby sister has died, telling Neil the same thing.

"I want to go home."

He is only nineteen