#I went to church for the first time in a while

[nerdyscouttribute]

First Look (Modern Au Smoke x Annie)

Summary:Smoke see's Annie for the first time at the club

Warning: none ,just something cute and short

An: I might come back and add more to this ,but I just wanted to get it out my mind, so it's a little rushed. I got the idea from @partylikemajima

“Man, why you brought me here?”Smoke said. Irritation was written all over his face,as Stack was dragging him through the loud club. Lights flashing everywhere, people skin to skin dancing, drinks in hand. Music blasting through the speakers.

We said now drop it like a thottie, pop it like a thottie

Church girls acting loose, bad girls acting snotty

Let it go, girl-let it out, girl

“You too damn stuck up,need to get you a girl to dance with”, Stack said , a wide smile on his face.

Before Smoke could say anything back Stack said"I'm about to talk with a few people I see, I'll be back”. Walking off leaving an irritated Smoke standing in the middle of the club.

If he was going to make it through the night, he needed some liquor in his system. Fighting through the crowd to get to the bar. “Aye get me old fashioned”, Smoke said to the bartender.

He hated environments like this. Too loud , and too musty. Seeing the bartender set his drink down , he passed her the money ,and turned to look over the club.

Surveying the area, looking for exits -incase shit popped off. That's when his eyes froze on her . She was in a white corset that put her breast in the perfect view. A brown skirt that hugged her in all the right places.

She was dancing in the middle of her friends. Bending over as they hyped her up. Smoke was too caught up in staring at her that he didn't notice Stack standing next to him.

“Damn, you staring hard nigga”, Stack said laughing , snapping Smoke out of his trance.

“Nah just looking”, Smoke said , but it wasn't true. He wanted to know more about her , what her name is , maybe if it sounded good with his last name.

“ oh so you wouldn't mind if I went to talk to her”, A sly smirk set on Stacks face. Smoke shot a glare towards Stack,” Nah, don't go bothering her”.

But that went to deaf ears ,as Stack still made his way towards her.

———————————

Annie was having fun for the first time in a while. She was stressed with running her restaurant, she hadn't taken time to hang out with her friends. So when they called ,she answered,no questions asked.

She had few drinks in her , cause that was the only way her friends were going to get her to dance like this. Her hips moving wild , ass moving right along with every movement.

Until , he walked up trying to get her attention. She was trying to ignore him , but her friends weren't trying to do the same. “ What you want”, Grace said ,raising her eyebrow at Stack. “I wanted to know if your friend right there wanted to dance with my brother “, Stack said as he pointed at Annie. She didn't even get a chance to answer for herself when Pearline spoke up,”what does he look like”? “ Just like me ,but I'm cuter” , Stack said with a smirk on his face.

“ Mmm-go get him”, Mary said, eyeing Stack up and down. Stack said he'll be back , before running off. Annie spoke, reminding them she had a voice, “ how y'all gonna decide for me “.

“Girl you need to get you some ,and he might just be right for the job”, Pearline said.

—————————————

Smoke watched the whole thing. How she didn't speak ,but observed. Stack ran back over to him , once again a big smile set on his face. “If she says no you got three other girls to choose from”, Stack said trying to convince Smoke to follow him. Smoke didn't agree with that statement ,but he followed anyway .

Making it to where the girls were standing ,he kept his eyes zoned in on her , the one whose hair was pulled out her face. Letting him get a view of her big brown eyes, pouty lips,as she stared back at him.

Stack talked first as always, “ This my brother Smoke”. All the girls introduced themselves to him , saying their name . That's when she walked up. Gold heels adorning her feet. Making her eye level with him. When she spoke Elijah thought the time froze. “ I'm Annie , what's your name”, she said in a soft voice. It sounded so sultry to Smoke.

He didn't know how she did it ,but she got him to reveal his birth name with only one sentence. “Elijah”, he said almost breathless.

“We'll you wanna dance Elijah, this my favorite song”, Annie said head tilted to the side. He didn't respond, just held his hand out for her to take.

He forgot about everyone else, just wanted to have her near him.

So this must be something special

'Cause you could be anywhere you wanted

But you decided to be here with me

No coincidence, it was meant to be

Don't be shy, come let your boy get in

So you can tell all of your friends

Annie turned around in his arms. Swaying back and forth. His arms gripping around her waist, a bit tighter. Moving side to side with her.

Annie tilted her head back on his shoulder, breath hitting his neck. It made Elijah shudder, grabbing her hip bringing them even closer.

She knew what she was doing, and she wanted him to loosen up. Grinding back on him harder, left arm reaching back to grip the back of his neck to lean down. He allowed her to bring his head down into her neck.

Lips hitting her soft brown skin. Leaving soft kisses until he got near her ear. “You know you can capture someone's attention in a crowded room”?. A smile appeared on her face. Lifting her head up to turn around in his arms.

Arms now resting on his shoulders, his arms resting around her waist. “No I didn't know that, I just came to have fun with my girlfriends”.

“Well I'm sorry for my brother, for interrupting yall night”, Smoke said. He wasn't really sorry, he was glad his brother had the courage to do what he couldn't . “It's alright I want to get to know you more Elijah”.

[pacthesis]

im not kidding applebees all you can eat nearly killed me

had a great time

absolutely would do it again

PSA 1: if ur throwing up don't chug water and gatorade cause ur scared of dehydration (suck on ice cubes instead)

PSA 2: if ur like me and eating out makes you drink a lot of water/fluids and you have a habit of fasting when ur not hungry- that can be dangerous

im SO lucky to be alive and ok

i've written a long detailed diary entry mostly cause i want to comprehend what happened and never forget this:

first of all its not applebees fault

so friday the 13th lol (6/13/2025) me and pizza man do the all you can eat

my expectations were low but i really enjoyed it

except i tried the pecan blondie brownie dessert- shockingly terrible: dry and tasteless blondie, maple cream cheese sauce was actually gross imo (i don't think im picky especially when it comes to sweets) ice cream and nuts were fine though

but anyway i ate too much lmao

i like to challenge myself sometimes- i was mostly curious: "if i could still do it" (it was kinda my party trick in college)

i had fries, coleslaw, 2 portions of popcorn shrimp, 2 portions of riblets, 1 portion of chicken tenders- then the whole pecan blondie brownie (pizza man didn't try it cause he thought it smelled icky lol)

thought i was gonna puke (didn't happen though) i was SO full

***

next day saturday (6/14/2025) i felt fine but didn't eat all day and just had a slice of pizza, egg and hash browns with ketchup for dinner cause i wasn't really hungry

i almost didn't eat dinner- i'll admit maybe i was curious: "if i could do it"

earlier that day we went to a church sale and half price books and hung out with pizza man's childhood friend: we were talking about how when we cook we don't add salt cause usually it just tastes fine while we think its funny how pizza man loves things to taste very salty...

that night he apparently has a dream where pizza man is eating straight up salt to "balance out his levels" or whatever

***

sunday (6/15/2025) father's day: i wake up feeling normal and ask pizza man if he wants to go to target cause i wanna get this bow hair clip:

he says sure but after he does his typical morning run with his mom

then i have this headache as im washing dishes- i think its caffeine withdrawal- i have my morning coffee and take 2 ibuprofen

but it gets worse- i throw up a couple of times- i don't feel well enough to go to target (or anywhere)

pizza man offers to go get the bow hair clip for me and returns with it within the hour

i was so nauseous i couldn't eat all day or move much

maybe it was a migraine but it was a first

i felt sensitive to light and noise and wore sunglasses and earplugs but wasn't sure if it was just in my head from googling my symptoms (pizza man's mom thought it was so funny he was out ignorantly grinding a cast iron pan while i was inside cringing lol)- i was miserable with or without the noise and light tbh

i read on reddit that people have "migraine hangovers" afterwards and often craved mcdonalds and i was like "aw man i can't wait until i feel well enough to crave mcdonalds again!" lmao

im using a foot bath cause i read it can bring some relief to my misery- it actually kinda works

pizza man asks if its ok if he leaves to have father's day dinner with his family and i tell him its ok but he returns quickly because he's worried about me

when he returns i ask him to make me some oatmeal (with water- im worried milk will upset my gut) and to bring me raisins with honey then i took another ibuprofen with a tylenol and an excedrin cause i was scared of having a stroke or heart attack (but immediately puked anyway)

i throw up into the foot bath, pizza man brings our (emptied) recycling bin over and i throw up into that too- im throwing up so much- so im chugging water, gatorade, pediatric (dose makes the poison)

pizza man actually kept these bottles because he thought some documentation would be helpful for the doctors:

(it was these 2 along with a few cups of water we believe)

there wasn't diarrhea and i knew it wasn't food poisoning but i've had it a few times in the past and dehydration scared me

i was like "im being smart- this is a close call- im gonna avoid going to the ER- im gonna show up for work tomorrow" then i time warped to wednesday in the hospital

i don't remember monday and tuesday

***

past midnight early into monday morning (6/16/2025) pizza man and his dad take me to the hospital cause im confused and can't talk right

i don't remember leaving the house

i don't even remember standing up from the end of the bed

apparently i walk- holding onto pizza man

he says i started drooling in the waiting room and that just seemed bad

they say they can have a room available by 2pm (its like 2am at the moment) but then they find an open one

me and pizza man wait in the room alone for doctors and stuff- but then i vomit more and start foaming at the mouth and convulsing

im having a seizure- pizza man starts screaming for help and presses the call help button- obviously very traumatic for him to witness and watch

i have 4 seizures at the ER/ICU apparently

i had some predictions about my life and knew life was unpredictable in general but didn't expect at the age of 31 to be quote "the sickest person in the hospital"

i snooze super loud after the seizure according to my father-in-law

call me vain but i was glad i didn’t lose any teeth or whatever

they do a lumbar puncture into my spine to test for meningitis- it was negative

they insert the PICC line that goes to my heart (pizza man says "a really big guy" came and did it) and IV and catheter and begin raising my sodium levels

they have rapid overcorrection at one point- which is another medical emergency (listening to some videos on how to treat hyponatremia im like kinda surprised they didn’t accidentally kill me- there are so many things to figure out prior doing anything plus it seems hard to get the water, sodium and potassium ratios right)

i think after they correct that my catheter apparently rapidly fills up

before pizza man even contacted my parents my mom said she actually felt "things weren't right" that night somehow

doctor told my mom he was scared cause i was "healthy and young" and there was 7 things he could do for me

pizza man was heartbroken cause he wasn't sure if i would "come back"

he said it was very hard to leave the hospital without me (he didn't expect that- it felt wrong for him)

my mom said the hardest question for her was "is she full code?" (should we do every possible measure in order to save the patient's life?)

my mom said yes

i read through my long list of care notes and tests and i can see why the doctors were scared:

kidneys and organs were fine

no medications

no alcohol/drugs

doesn’t smoke tobacco (can lower sodium apparently)

no medical conditions

no history or family history of epilepsy seizures migraines

before my parents leave a doctor says "im taking amy away to do the stent on her heart" and my mom was like "i thought nothing was happening tonight??" but doc leaves and goes "i cannot discuss that with you"

then a nurse comes to apologize to my parents and tells em "the doctor feels stupid- the stent is for the patient in the next room"

my mom woulda preferred if he came to apologize for himself of course

there was a band with a barcode on my wrist and we believe there is a system to confirm and keep people from getting mixed up but it was still spooky for my family to experience that

pizza man says at one point they asked him and my parents to leave the room so they could ask me some things- later when im released he asked if i remember what the questions were (i confirm i don’t remember monday or tuesday- not that i mind)

he says me and his grandpa are the 2 people he’s seen so close to actual death

***

tuesday (6/17/2025) they hooked all these wires up to my head to check for brain activity but afterwards my mom said i was greasy and kinda "gross" looking lol

so she and my dad spent an hour and a half washing my hair

then i opened my eyes and the doctors got excited- they tried sticking me in an MRI machine but i tried to crawl out cause they put me on ativan

the neurologist kept asking me stuff like "how many nickels are in a dollar?", "what is this called? (pointing to a watch face or watch band)" and "where are you right now?" (i kept saying "hopkins" for whatever reason- doc asked "why is she saying that? what is hopkins? did she go to hopkins high school? and my parents were like no! pizza man was like "aw man if amy lives through this she will just think this is so funny")

pizza man thinks "hopkins" just kind of sounds like "hospital"

but the neurologist said it was hard to tell if i got brain damage or if it was the ativan lol

my mom kept asking me "who is this??" and pointing to family members that visited:

i knew my mom and dad

for pizza man i said his name sweetly (we just celebrated our 10 year anniversary last month may 2025)

for my father-in-law i answered with his name but seriously (that made pizza man think "oh maybe amy is still in there") lol

i kept asking for coffee also lmao but my mom said that brought her some comfort because to her “thats a sign amy is still there”

they continue to raise my sodium slowly (if they go too fast that would kill me) pizza man tells my mom every time he took me to mcdonald’s he was saving my life- she laughs

pizza man says i had such dry lips and wanted water (couldn’t have it- was on fluid restriction) so my mom used these brushes to dab water on them

he also brought the bow hair clip he got for me on sunday to see if i would remember it

and he brought this plush seal a childhood friend since middle school got for me a while back and asked "whats his name?" because he couldn't remember and i correctly told him "tory" (short for “tornado torpedo”)

i closed my eyes and puckered my lips for pizza man and my dad was like "she wants a kiss"

pizza man gave me a nice little kiss but wasn't sure if it was appropriate at the time but he thought it was sweet still

pizza man and visitors also enjoyed this giant monster rabbit that could be seen outside my window too i guess (the rabbit is my zodiac animal “secret friend” but they're really common to spot in the wild tbh)

there was a 1:1 nurse with me monday and tuesday night cause they didn't want me trying to get up by myself or yanking on my stuff

***

by wednesday (6/18/2025) i "wake up"- i remember wednesday

im covered in wires and tubes: who knows what on my chest, IV in my right arm, PICC line in my left arm, hooked up to a catheter, finger oxygen sensor, bright yellow wristband that reads "FALL RISK"

initially i was like "oh god the financial cost of this" but quickly i was like "eh whatever- doesn't matter"

i actually upgraded my health insurance when i turned 30 just cause i thought "eh its time for better insurance"

doctors and nurses seemed surprised i made it

they were pumping me with sodium and potassium but at one point it dropped anyway but eventually my body just fixed itself and they kinda shrugged and were like "cool i'll take it!"

they send a dietitian student in and he asks me what i eat and he goes "huh- you eat healthy"

the neurologist visits and i loudly go “i remember you!” but im confused- i have no memories of him- he just has one of those looks

“neurologist” is also too complicated of a word for me to retain today so i keep saying “brain guy”

he says something interesting: “throwing up shouldn’t cause low sodium” (as i currently understand: low sodium can cause vomiting but not the other way around? i've heard doctors on youtube say the opposite- situations/cases can differ, people can be wrong and opinions can contradict i guess)

when we pressed with other questions he professionally answers that he can only talk about the brain- i kinda liked that

my parents and a lot of pizza man's family came to visit me throughout the day

im shocked to hear about my seizures- but thats also a word i can’t retain- i remember it starts with the letter “s” and it wasn’t a stroke- i tell my brain “its seize seize- seizure”

i talk about applebee’s all you can eat- my dad goes “ooh that sounds good”

pizza man said that day i was "more quirky" but he was ok with that- maybe even kinda liked it lol

he also said the doctors and nurses said i was "very nice" even when i was out of it and that i should put that on my resume (maybe a somewhat weird thing to say imo but whatever they mean well i guess)

he kept telling me he was so so happy i "came back"

another childhood friend since middle school (who didn't know this was going on) actually randomly texted me a trauma center game meme but i didn't have access to my phone until a few days later (it was a game i enjoyed when i was in high school and i was actually thinking about it when i was conscious in the hospital)

my parents and pizza man kept asking me if i would like pizza man to bring me the bow hair clip he got for me on sunday

i was like "bah nah that doesn't matter" but throughout the day they started seeing my memory was improving on its own

so while i was dying pizza man appeared on an episode of america's funniest home videos on tv and the host for whatever reason said "believe it or not, ladies- he's single"

pizza man knew i'd find it funny if i lived but at the time he didn't like that of course lol

he said he was thinking if i did die he was happy we at least had a nice last date at applebeees lmao

he said he wasn't ready for that though- he would've probably quit his job and stuff

i know i got extremely lucky but this actual experience wasn't that bad! i didn't have any suffering thanks to the doctors/nurses and my family and pizza man

the thought of going to the hospital was much much worse

and hospital food was pretty good actually!

a nurse helped tie my hair back to keep it out of the way

also when a nurse helped me go #2 she was like "the catheter must be so uncomfortable :(" and i was like "actually- its not that bad!" like whenever i'd see a commercial for one on tv i was like "oh god that looks awful" lol

i walk around a bit in the hallways with pizza man as he held my catheter- my legs felt very weak

i don't have a 1:1 nurse watching me this night and i fall asleep around 1:30am

***

thursday (6/19/2025) we have off from work- its the juneteenth holiday

on monday pizza man contacted my employer and they used 4 PTO days for the week for me

im a little naughty- i get up by myself and wash my hair in the sink

i knew it was a liability thing and i wasn't supposed to get up by myself- but i was curious (the curiosity of "if i could still do it"- maybe that drive might take me out one day lol) but i thought it wouldn't hurt anyone

my mom was a little annoyed/mad yet relieved when she found out lol

my father-in-law brings coffee and donuts both wednesday and thursday morning (cause i was always asking for coffee lol)

the neurologist or “brain guy” comes and asks me how many nickels are in a dollar- i confidently answer “100!”- pizza man thought that was cute

at this point they believe the seizures were from low sodium so they back off on another MRI or seizure meds

a nurse comes in and asks the visitors to step out- we both wear face masks as she removes the PICC line from my arm (was conscious for that and surprised to not feel anything as she took it out)

she goes "i'll show you it when im done" (doesn't ask if im squeamish- but maybe she could tell i was interested in that kind of stuff)

its very long- i tell her thats very cool- this is when i find out that was connected to my heart

later another doctor and nurse come rip off the stuff on my chest, the IV, finger oxygen sensor- and remove the catheter also (felt that just a little lol)

i take a couple of tylenol every few hours to ease my headache

i worry and ask the doctors about it- i don't want to become dependent on it- they tell me its safe and my worries ease because i no longer feel like i need anymore that night

so far the known issue was low sodium and severe hyponatremia

the doctors are humans and have differing opinions so some thoughts contradict but so far the one belief that makes sense to me is "it was just the perfect storm"

in the evening im released from the hospital and pizza man brings me home

my mom is surprised- she thought i'd be well enough to go home the next day friday

but i didn't feel like i was currently dying- i thought it was time for me to leave and for the doctors and nurses to save someone else now

my parents and pizza man’s family drop off a lot of food and a gift basket

and my employer sent me flowers

i was maybe a bit surprised- been there for over 10 years but thought "eh maybe they'll think about letting me go" lol

***

friday (6/20/2025) the first full day of being home im pretty much normal with some slight memory issues (like forgetting where the tea goes, the name of pizza man's oldest aunt, not making my yogurt the "most efficient way", etc) and im using a walker as a precaution- im slightly wobbly

pizza man kept telling me it was so awesome to hear me around the home and that i “came back”

imo he was already kinda obsessed and very in love with me but he keeps saying the experience somehow made him “fall deeply in love” with me lol

he keeps checking my head for a fever and he watches over me carefully for the first couple of days at home- im sure he has PTSD honestly and i was worried about him but he’s doing great now actually

we’re really lucky the house has handle bars by some of the entrances and in the bathroom and its generally accessible because this used to be grandpa’s house

i was also looking at a fashion catalog and didn't feel horny but felt more "heterosexual" somehow

but by saturday (6/21/2025) and sunday (6/22/2025) my memory is "very good" again, im not using a walker anymore and i looked at the catalog again and my sexuality feels queer as usual lol

before all this pizza man sometimes told me he was gonna be sad when my memory starts going because its just so good

but he told me he likes me however- and he would always take care of me- im still kind of processing that tbh

then also i had an excuse to invite my friends over to hang out- that was nice

***

hyponatremia risk factors (korey stringer institute)

exercise duration greater than 4 hours or slow pace: no

AFAB: yes

low body weight: i guess

excessive drinking (>1.5 L/hour) during the event: possible

abundant availability of drinking fluids at event: possible

nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, antidepressants, or diuretics use: my two 200mg of ibuprofen in the morning then the one 200mg of ibuprofen and 500mg of tylenol at night???? maybe they just added to the recipe for disaster

other drugs associated with SIADH (SSRI’s): no

not heat acclimatized: guess i don't sweat much but i still sweat

low sodium diet: initially i was like LOW SODIUM?? HOW? but i've been reading nutrition labels (especially serving sizes) and i'll admit maybe its a possibility idk

extreme hot or cold environment: not those days (high: 73℉, low: 53℉ friday 6/13/2025 through sunday 6/15/2025)

i don't mind being a cautionary tale

because the cause of my hyponatremia seems to be possibly caused by my funky eating schedule and chugging liquids: so far the dr notes and advice to prevent me from having it again basically say "drink/eat sodium (2,300 mg/day) and don't drink more than 2 liters of liquids a day"

at first when they told me "don't drink more than 2 liters a day" i was like "yea- i don't usually do that- i only did that cause of that wicked headache and i was puking and scared" and when they were like "listen to ur body" i was like "yea- i do- i was just so nauseous i couldn't eat- tried anyway but i puked"

but the more im reading and recalling what i did- the more i'll admit its possible the headache and sickness on sunday was caused by low sodium

low sodium symptoms

headache

nausea

feeling tired

loss of appetite

dizziness

vomiting

muscle weakness/cramps

generally when i eat out i drink a lot of water during and afterwards (im thirsty cause its salty)- so it probably wasn't good i drank a lot of water from applebees- then sipped water throughout the whole day saturday and only had dinner

its funny cause some doctors also said i should be drinking gatorade when i do my squats and push-ups

always thought it was a marketing gimmick or for extreme athletes in hot weather

but as far as i understand it sounds like i'll also be fine if i just eat some chips or whatever

last time i saw a doctor was august 2024: did blood tests- he said i was "extremely healthy" and to see him again in 3 years unless something comes up

i used to see a primary care physician but it felt like a waste of time cause i was like 20 and nothing was ever going on

guess i got a good reason to see one again

i've been thinking about how i've been putting an effort towards working out and gained 4-5 lbs since january this year and i've thought "would this have ended up very different if i didn't gain that extra weight?"

spooky crazy

for whatever reason i was never mad or upset during this: i was trying to be patient, honest and accepting of whatever i felt or was going through- i let myself be weak and vulnerable- kept telling myself "take it easy, give urself a week- try not to be frustrated and trust ur body to recover"

there's some truth and context to "applebees almost killed me" but i think i understand the true actual cause of this mess was: my curiosity

anyway i’ve never been to hopkins so im planning to go there soon just for shits and giggles

and pizza man drew his “tippy salt” oc throwing salt at me lol

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

I've been royal watching for years. I was excited for a new royal wedding but soft alarm bells were already ringing for me in the engagement interview. Then came the constant tsunami of pr & gossip, Meghan and Harry's weird behavior on engagements, her eye-wateringly expensive wardrobe, the odd fit. The rumor was she was mean, no family at her wedding except mom, the disagreement that she could taste egg in a dish led to Queen Elizabeth intervening. Anyway I remember shortly after the wedding being shocked that neither Philip nor the Queen was attending Louis' christening and the only reason they gave is that it was a "mutually agreed" decision between the queen, William and Catherine. BP said the decision was not based on health reasons, but rather to allow the Queen to focus on other engagements, as she had a busy schedule that week. (Nothing newsworthy though, no travel anywhere). I remember when I heard that I said the queen is already crafting a precedent for not attending Baby Sussex's christening. Everyone around me thought I was mad, there was no way the Queen would miss her first mixed race great-grandchild's christening, it would look racist. But miss Archie's christening, she and Phillip did. They said they wanted to get away for a couple of days so they left Windsor Castle where the christening had been planned to be held and went up to Sandringham for 3 days which they never really did that time of year. This is the conspiracy that I can't shake, why would she miss Louis' christening? Was it to give her cover for missing Archie's? Did she premeditatively want to miss both those kids christenings, or just Archie's? Those two are the only two among her great-grandchildren's christenings she has missed. She attended Lena Tindall's christening who was born barely a month after Louis; and later she was there for Lucas Tindall and August Brooksbank's christening.

Is it possible they asked the then Cambridges if they could bow out of Louis' christening so HMTQ wouldn't get too much blowback for not attending the christening of H&M's child? Why was the queen adamant about not being there? Was she afraid Meghan would be unpleasant? Was she purposely avoiding the Sussexes? I recall in Spare when Harry complained how his father was telling him Meghan couldn't go to Balmoral after the queen's death. Harry was only placated when Charles told him Kate would not be there either. The Cambridges fell on their sword to pacify the Sussexes at the Commonwealth Day Svc by taking their seats and not processioning in with the queen, Charles & Camilla like was written on the order of service. Please tell me I'm barmy imagining she premeditatively chose not to go to Louis' christening to pave the way for her not to attending Archie's christening. Am I even making any sense? I've taken an Ambien so I will be calling it a night.

Fear not! You are barmy. It's the Ambien speaking, I think.

For two reasons.

First, Louis was born long before Archie was incubating in his mother's belly and while Meghan was still somewhat on good behavior with the firm and family. As bad and intolerable Meghan became, I don't think it would have stopped The Queen and/or Philip for attending a Sussex child's christening. Especially since, remember, The Queen and Philip did a photo op with newborn Archie, Meghan, Harry, and Doria a few days after he was born. That's more than future king George got. So I have to believe, and especially given The Queen's faith, that missing Louis's christening had nothing to do with Meghan attending or a prospective future Sussex child.

Second, by all accounts, Archie's christening was scheduled at the last minute and without consulting anyone's schedules. We have two leaks that confirm it. The first leak is that the Archbishop of Canterbury wasn't even in London that week - he was all the way up in York for the Church of England General Synod. That meant there was a lot of scrambling to not just clear up Welby's schedule so he could do the christening, but a lot of scrambling to get him to and from York and Windsor at the appropriate times.

(Do note that it's not required for the Archbishop of Canterbury to do the christening.)

The second leak is that The Queen was already committed to royal duties and couldn't change her schedule. And actually, your point that "they...went up to Sandringham for 3 days which they never really did that time of year" is incorrect. It's been revealed that after Philip retired and moved full-time to Wood Farm on the Sandringham estate, The Queen actually spent a bit of time at Sandringham to visit him and time that was outside of her annual January/February stay. So it's fully and truly plausible that The Queen was actually regularly staying at Sandringham.

(That said, I do suspect her "royal duties" was cover for horses and something to do with her racing operations.)

And then a partial third, remember that Zara and Eugenie held a joint service that saw Lucas and August being christened together. So even if The Queen and Philip had a "policy" of just two christenings per family, it was still within The Queen's policy to attend the christening of Zara's third child because it was also Eugenie's first child's christening - and remember that it was August who wore the royal christening gown for that service, not Lucas. (And yes, this is very much round-hole/square-peg.)

But this is very much one of those YMMV analyses. Some people think William and Kate fell on their sword again, allowing Louis to be snubbed. Others think that the Sussexes didn't care about The Queen being at Archie's christening.

FWIW, I don't think the then-Cambridges felt like they were being snubbed or having to fall on their sword. We know that The Queen and Philip had a good relationship with Louis just from the comments we know Louis made after Philip died and from the interactions between The Queen and Louis on Trooping balconies.

[gingersnapwolves]

Hello friends I’m back from vacation with a lot to say! I’m going to do two posts, so I can put the pretty pictures which actually look good in a photo post and then contain my ramblings and selfies to this post LOL.

So last year while we were talking about vacations, my wife said we should go to Iceberg Alley so we could see icebergs. You know, sorry to the optimists in the audience but who knows how long we’ll still be able to do that? So I planned a trip to the Canadian Maritimes.

First thing you need to know about me and my wife is that neither of us like to fly. We do road trips. We’ve done tons and tons of road trips. When we lived in Arizona, we road-tripped to pretty much everywhere in the western United States. Fun fact about us - one of the things that first made us such good friends twenty-five (twenty-five?!?!?!) years ago is that we both like to drive around a lot and look at pretty scenery and just vibe. So I planned us a road trip. It pretty quickly became apparent that we couldn’t do both Nova Scotia and Newfoundland in one road trip because there’s just so MUCH to see. So we focused on Newfoundland for this trip for iceberg reasons. We did stop to see some things along the way, obviously, because the key to a good road trip is to try to break it up with cool shit.

The first day was basically driving (though we did stop at a No Kings protest in Maine for a while because we couldn’t miss that). Then across the border we went. Lupine everywhere! Tim Horton’s! Metric system! (My wife: is the speed limit really 110 mph? lmao no it is not.) 

First stop! Joggins Fossil Cliffs! It was very cool, we will have to do this again and take the guided tour because I’ve learned I couldn’t find a fossil if you put a gun to my head. Let the selfies begin!

We stopped a few more places on the way but forgot to take selfies (whoops) and then got on the ferry to Newfoundland. We had a little cabin because it’s a 16 hour ride to the east side of Newfoundland.

Once in Newfoundland, we went to Salmonier Nature Center, which was very cool. A lovely, beautiful walk through the woods and fen. My biggest disappointment was on this outing because I really wanted to see the lynx, and we waited a while outside the enclosure, hoping if we were quiet it would eventually come out, but it never did. On the other hand, caribou are magical.

On to the east side and St. John’s! We went to the Petty Harbor Mini Aquarium, which is a seasonal catch and release aquarium with an awesome touch tank.

Cape Spear, the eastern most point in North America.

Basilica of St. John the Baptist (we are the opposite of religious but my wife loves the architecture of churches and stained glass windows).

Memorial University Botanical Gardens

Johnson Geo Centre

Then we took a boat tour to go to Gull Island and see puffins! I didn’t get any good pictures here unfortunately. The puffins on the island were too far away to photograph clearly, and although I could see them fly and sometimes land in the water by the boat it was impossible to get a good shot of them. They were soooooooo incredibly cute though. My wife also saw a minke whale (I did not lol).

Driving inland, we went to Terra Nova National Park but I forgot to take a selfie until we were back at the car.

Interior Newfoundland is profoundly empty. Anywhere in America, if I pass a gas station with a quarter tank of gas, I can think ‘no big deal, I will definitely hit another gas station before I’m close to being out of gas’. Not so much in Newfoundland. I didn’t run out of gas but boy was I sweating a few times.

Can’t go to Canada without having Tim Horton’s! Sorry for the thumb. Uh, it was very early. I prefer Dunkie’s but TH had VERY good chocolate chip muffins and my wife loved their donuts.

Icebergs! Icebergs! Icebergs! (Pics to follow in my photo post.)

Chilling on Twilingate Island

On our drive around Twillingate, a bald eagle flew out over our car and flew alongside/above us for about five seconds and it was SO cool. Sadly we didn’t get any pictures of that because we were too busy being in awe.

Stayed at a nice little bed and breakfast

West we go! The Insectarium!

And then on to Gros Morne!

Now this was a trip. On one day it was eighty-five and sunny, then the next it was fifty, occasionally rainy, and very, very windy. I have rarely experienced wind that is actually difficult to walk against, but I really feared for my safety occasionally. We had booked a boat tour on Western Brook Pond, which is a glacier carved valley. To get to the pond is a 3 km walk and my wife is disabled (and in this weather, I wouldn’t have wanted to walk 6 km either). There were shuttles but very limited seating so we got there about 90 minutes early. When we got there, they said they were waiting on the captain’s decision on whether or not we could go out in this weather. Eventually we did, but . . . possibly shouldn’t have LOL. The water was rough. There was a ton of spray. We both got soaked about three minutes into the trip so we were freezing the whole time. I asked my wife to please not divorce me since I took her to see icebergs. 

Don’t get me wrong, it was beautiful and awesome in the original sense of the word, but holy shit. On the way back, the weather got even worse. Dense fog and even higher wind. We had to zig zag to get back to dock because of how strong the wind was, so it took quite some time. My teeth were actually chattering (we had dressed appropriately for the cold and wind but had not anticipated getting wet).

For obvious reasons, the tour after ours was canceled, which meant there was an entire boat full of people besides ours who wanted to use the shuttle, so it took a while to get one and I was basically frozen solid by the time I made it back to the car. Good times!

We got on the ferry on the western side of the island back to Nova Scotia, which is an eight hour ferry. We took the overnight, but there were no cabins when I booked, so we had reserved, reclining seats. No big deal, right? But the sea was still very rough. 

Now, I don’t get seasick. Carsick, yes, but I’ve never had a problem getting seasick (unless I try to read, so I don’t). Even on the cruise, when we were out on the open ocean, I was fine. Y’all. I got sick sick. Our seats were on the top deck, at the front of the ship. Worst place to be during rough weather. The staff kindly took me to a better seat but holy crap was I sick. The sea finally calmed down and I felt better but I probably didn’t sleep more than an hour. It sucked.

So the next day we just drove a little while on some back roads, looked at nice scenery, until I couldn’t stay awake anymore and we crashed at a motel and I passed out.

Me somewhere in Nova Scotia: I'm not sure I'm still safe to drive

Some fuckass deer: //runs out in front of my car//

Me: //screeches to a halt and avoids a collision//

Me: Okay guess I'm still good for a little while.

The next day, we went to Reversing Falls Rapids in St. John

And to Irving Nature Park

And then we were on our way back home!

On the whole it was a very enjoyable vacation, though a really tiring one haha. I think we need to take an easier one next. I'm also definitely forgetting at least one or two things but that's life, maybe I will update later if I think of them.

Quote of the trip: "Oh, yeah, X/99 ... got us obsessed with toxic gay relationships and the rest is history."

Honorable mention: "How is it?" "It's not ... bad ..." "Oh?" "Well, it's bad in a new and interesting way."

[adamprrishcycle]

Shatter Point

So, I’ve been working on this fic for a good while now and have posted multiple little snippets here and there. I wanted to post the first chapter on tumblr before I start posting it officially on ao3. Let me know what you think!

I have yet to come up with a synopsis, so let me be messy and just say everything that happens in the books has happened, only Adam never went to Aglionby and therefore, never met Ronan or Gansey. He escapes Henrietta, goes to Harvard and eventually ends up in his secret little government job. This job is in a department that polices dreamers, like the moderators but less we-wanna-kill-all-dreamers and more they-exist-amongst-us-and-aren't-going-away-so-we-must-keep-track-of-everything-they-do. ANYWAY, a job comes up in Henrietta (a place Adam hasn't been in a decade) and he is fucked up enough to take it.

Chapter 1: Returning

4.1k words, pynch, meet-ugly, canon typical violence, referenced past abuse

The road sign was rusty and warped by harsh weather and a traffic collision that left one steel leg bent at an odd angle many years before. Close up, it stood a good few feet taller than Adam Parrish as he squinted up at it, hand raised to shade his eyes from the glare. Beyond the sign, the road descended down the mountainside to arrive at the small town called Henrietta.

It could have been just the mere sight of the paper town below or the feeling of sweat running down Adam’s neck under his shirt collar in the warm afternoon, but he abruptly felt nineteen and every ugly year before it all at once.

He turned from the sign and climbed back into his car, grateful for the AC that swept cool air over him and then with a deep breath, pulled off from the rough ground and back onto the main road.

The town was the same as it had always been, though the last time Adam was here, he’d been leaving. He’d spent his childhood and teenage years leaving Henrietta in any small way that he could, and when the day finally came when he departed for good, he never looked back. He’d made his escape achingly slow, like digging a tunnel in the dirt with a spoon. He had worked his body to the bone over years of part-time jobs and a school career that would’ve made the town newspaper, if he had managed to show up any day without fading bruises or a fat lip. Now, looking back, Adam was able to shrug it off flippantly, the struggle of his adolescence diminished by the man he had fought to become.

He had never stepped foot in Henrietta since the day he left. But here he was now, driving the roads he used to cycle down in his youth, and it was already stifling him.

As he drove, he passed the public school he attended and he remembered a text message lighting up his phone a few nights ago and how he had never replied.

I can go home with you if you want.

It was from his best friend, Blue. He knew why he hadn’t replied, but to acknowledge it now, to open that door and welcome in the feelings of fear he’d dwelled upon ever since he left, the fear that while he believed he saved himself from this fate, he knew a part of him was and would always be seventeen years old with a bleeding ear that would never hear a whisper again. It wasn’t a rational thought, and Adam prided himself on always being rational and realistic, but to reply to Blue would’ve been to admit that he was scared out of his mind about being here.

About being home.

This was no home to Adam Parrish.

He stopped at a set of traffic lights and watched as two elderly people crossed the road. He looked ahead and spied in the distance the Catholic church where he had once viewed an upstairs apartment. It was a small habitation with little space to stand up straight due to the slanted ceiling under the eaves but he had daydreamed endlessly about being able to afford it and move out of his parents trailer.

Blue had visited the apartment with him and they’d held hands as they walked back down the narrow staircase, a brush of knuckles that led to fingers intertwined. And Adam would’ve kissed her in the parking lot. But that was before she had had a taste of his temper and before he had realised what it meant to have a true friend.

The lights turned to green and Adam urged the car forwards, passing the church that stood quietly, its stained glass dark and dusty. It was the middle of the day on a Thursday so there was no reason for it to be bustling with life, but the way it looked, sitting there solemnly with chipped paint on its door and dirt streaked windows, Adam couldn’t help but feel an air of desolation, and it was catching.

The buildings gradually grew further apart as he passed through town and out the other side, and then he was heading down a winding road, trees pressing in either side. He picked up speed despite the bends in the road and glanced at his phone, propped on the dashboard precariously. He caught it in his hand as he rounded a sharp curve and turned it over in his lap to follow the instructions on the map.

He almost missed the turning, concealed within the thick foliage, almost as though the trees were hiding something. Braking hard, he turned onto the muddy track. The oppressive, dry heat of the late June day didn’t hint that it had rained recently, yet the driveway was churned, moist earth and he cracked the drivers side window to take in the humid, living scent of the forest. It tugged at a natural, feral part of him sharply and he longed to step out of the car and take it all in, feeling the surge of energy and life under his feet from the ley line that he recognised from his childhood. The smell in the air and the hum all around reminded him that magic was real and he felt lightheaded with it for the first time in a long time.

Despite that, his job was all about magic, but the act of cataloging and policing dreamt objects under a classified department of the government had a way of sucking the life out of anything enchanting.

The brief that brought him to his childhood town was simple. There was thought to be a great deal of dreams residing on a farm under the name of Lynch in the middle of West Virginia. Go there, inspect it, and report back. When he saw the location of the job, he’d volunteered for it before he could think about it and change his mind.

Adam was no dreamer, but he’d been having recurring dreams for weeks.

They were similar to the kinds of dreams he was having in his final years of high school and they had always centered around Henrietta in a way he couldn’t describe. The dream always happened amongst trees but Adam always knew where he was. He could always feel his ley line, the energy filling him up like he was an empty container before and afterwards, he was brimming with potential. His hands shook in his dreams and there was a presence there. A dark thing. It felt neither good nor bad, it was just there and it seemed to cup the ley energy, the forest and Adam all in its hands. And Adam envied it. He knew it was in Henrietta and he wanted to find it and take the power for himself.

He felt as though he’d been starving his whole life, ribs protruding, limbs wasted. He’d been starved of the basic necessities to survive and nearing his thirtieth year, he felt vicious with the desperate need to feel full. And to do whatever it took to get it.

The car crawled slowly up the drive to the Lynch farm as Adam tapped at his phone with one hand when it informed him that he had reached his destination. He looked up at the track ahead and was distracted for a moment by small, glowing lights that caught his eye as they bobbed between the trees. The car rolled forward slowly as he leaned this way and that to get a better look at what he thought were fireflies out in broad daylight and then the car juddered and stalled, the engine cutting out.

But Adam didn’t notice.

Adam wasn’t there anymore.

He saw his father’s red face, his big hands, the fury in his eyes and the spit flying from his mouth. It was as though Adam was living a memory inside his own head and he cowered, smaller, childlike. He didn’t feel the impact of the first blow but his face stung as he saw the look in the eyes of the other people he encountered. His mother, his teachers, kids at school, strangers passing him on the street. Over and over again they looked at him and their foreheads creased and their eyes were grieving. He ran for his bike, he wanted to escape, but the chain had fallen off and no matter how many times he tried to fix it, his useless, stupid, good-for-nothing hands failed miserably, his fingers weak and shaking. Someone shouted his name and he flinched, turning and there was his father again. Red face. Big hands. The impact knocked him off his feet. His mother’s eyes were filled with disappointed tears. His teachers shared silent looks. Kids at school laughed.

Somewhere, tangled within the thoughts fogging up his brain, Adam pressed the clutch and turned the key in the ignition and the engine rolled over once, twice then surged back to life. He accelerated hard and the car lurched forward.

His mind was free.

He was alone in the car with the trees either side of the driveway watching him silently. He glanced in the rearview mirror as he drove erratically up the driveway, desperate to get away from whatever the hell he had stumbled into. He could sense its origin, being quite experienced with the objects he was paid handsomely to investigate. He was aware that he may have just stepped into some kind of dreamer's trick.

For the first time that day, what was ahead of him scared him more than what he had left behind. If the dreamer was able to come up with something as vile as that, what else could they have dreamt up on a secluded farm in a hushed valley in the middle of nowhere?

There was sunlight shining ahead of him as he reached the end of the treeline that splayed out suddenly and he drove up to a farmhouse that had seen better days. It stood there proudly despite this, and its shabby exterior and various outbuildings could be seen, wearily leaning against one another like drunken friends trying to make their way home. The fields rolled out to Adam’s right and beyond them, mountains stacked against the sky as purple as a bruise.

Adam closed his eyes, feeling the ley energy all around him and the dream objects with it, all centered around a sweetmetal that felt like a gravitational pull. Nothing could possibly fall asleep here, even if it wanted to.

In the near distance, he could see livestock grazing serenely and he parked up a few meters from the front porch of the house. Getting out of the car, he took a few steps back the way he came, peering into the gloom of the shaded driveway, darker because of the bright sunlight of the summer day. He didn’t dwell on the fact that he would probably have to leave that way and reached back into the car, pulling a small handgun out from under the passenger seat, tucking it into his waistband and he turned towards the house.

He knocked on the front door. Three, sharp raps and then he stood back, inspecting the building up close. The white paint was peeling and there was a woven mat at Adam’s feet, clogged with mud and unraveling. He knocked again, then moved to peer through a window. It was difficult to see inside with the bright sunshine at his back but he could make out a dark kitchen. It looked quite ordinary, but looks were deceiving.

When no one answered the door, he descended the porch steps and walked around to the back of the house. He looked up as a large black bird flew overhead, cawing down at him. It circled several times, then flew off over the fields.

Adam approached a garage with a corrugated roof and found that the door was unlocked. Pulling it open with a groan, inside there was nothing out of the ordinary. Garden equipment. Shovels, plant pots, various lawn mowers that got bigger in size. He picked his way through the objects, letting the musty shed smell fill his nose until something rushed past at shin height, nearly whisking him off his feet. He spun and watched as a cat ran away from him across the yard. He sighed with relief, but then the creature turned to fix him with a stare and he felt a spasm of panic as he noticed that instead of front legs and paws, it had very human looking hands. His heart pounded, half with alarm, half with excitement. Seeing a dream never ceased to amaze him, even after all these years.

He exited the shed and crouched down on the gravel, extending a hand to the cat with hands. Its features were one hundred percent feline, yet it managed to glower at him suspiciously before flicking small stones at him with its highly evolved digits, then turned and ran, disappearing into the trees beyond the house. Adam straightened and sighed to himself, unsure how exactly he was going to categorise that.

He circled the house a couple of times, knocking at the back door and then at the front door again before making his way across the fields towards a large barn. When he entered the field where the livestock were, he paused as the cattle slowly lifted their great heads and bellowed at him softly. Something sensible inside him told him he should be wary around them, but the other side of him who let magic seep up through his fingertips and scryed into every darkened window he came across, urged him on.

The cows let him pass and seemingly went back to grazing, but as he approached the barn and turned to look back, they all seemed to have shuffled after him silently. Surely impossible, surely a dream herd. Adam was getting more and more apprehensive to meet the dreamer and he laid his hand briefly on the gun in his waistband.

His shirt was sticking to his back as he pushed the barn door open and the warm, sweet stench washed over him. He could smell the hay and the scent of many creatures living and breathing together.

Something was moving at the other end of the barn and Adam stepped forward cautiously, sensing that the something was bigger than a cow. His hand returned to the gun but he didn't pull it out just yet.

“It’s okay,” he said out loud, his own voice startling him after not speaking a word since he checked out of the last motel he’d stayed at on his way down here. He cleared his throat. “It’s okay,” he tried again, “I’m not going to hurt you. Just come out slowly like your friends out there.”

There was a rough, croaking sound and then a thin snarl that had Adam gripping the gun firmly, freeing it and cocking it in one swift motion, one hand placed under the other to steady his aim. It didn’t sound like a farm animal. It didn’t sound like anything he’d ever heard before. He wanted to say something else so the creature might understand that he wasn’t there as a threat, despite the gun in his hand, but his mouth dried up and he couldn't bring to himself utter another word.

Fight or flight was clicking into place as Adam weighed up his options, glancing quickly over his shoulder to estimate how many milliseconds it would take him to reach the door, or whether he could dive for the ladder that led to a mezzanine level above and gain some higher ground. His mind was also on his experience in the driveway and he wondered if he was as scared shitless then as he was now. Which was worse? His childhood memories or fear of the unknown that snarled?

There was movement at the far end of the barn and Adam only caught a glimpse of something impossibly big with white, leathery torn skin, the beat of large wings before he opened fire. Three fast shots, one after the other, and then he was running. He locked eyes with a bored-looking sandy coloured cow chewing lazily and wondered how she could be so calm while he was running for his life and then he fell as the thing crashed into his back, tearing at him and sending him careening forwards. He smacked his head on the hard, packed earth outside the barn door and the gun was knocked from his grip, skittering through the dust. For a second he lay there, dazed but then the creature gave a high, thin cry and Adam rolled, one hand to his forehead as he watched the thing fly over him and up into the blue sky.

He rolled again, pushing himself up on all fours and crawled towards his gun, adrenaline surging through him as his fingers wrapped around the skin-warmed metal. As he stood, taking aim at the sky, something small and dark flashed past him, colliding with his arm and knocking the gun flying again. Adam recognized the black bird from earlier as it soared up into the sky after the creature.

“Hey!”

The human voice startled him, aggressive and laboured and to Adam’s great dismay, the owner of the voice reached down a few feet away to pick up his gun from between the weeds where it had fallen. He was a tall guy with a shaved head and his eyes were light in colour but they seemed to darken as he studied the gun, then looked up at Adam. He wore a sleeveless, black shirt and scales snaked up his left arm in dark green ink. His face was sharp angles and as he stopped a few feet away from Adam, he lifted the gun and pointed it at him.

Adam automatically held both hands up, trying to ignore the throbbing in his head and the stinging pain to his left shoulder. He took his eyes off the stranger momentarily to glance up at the creature in the sky that was now chasing the black bird and shrieking. The cattle continued to graze.

“Who the fuck are you?” The stranger asked. Most likely the owner of the farm. Almost definitely the dreamer.

“My name's Parrish,” Adam told him breathlessly and went to reach for his government issued badge but the dreamer stepped closer, gun trained at Adam’s head. He was unaware as to whether the dreamer knew how to use a gun, but it wouldn’t take an idiot to pull a trigger.

Adam froze and swallowed, his right hand now closer to his chest. The blood running out of his left hand seemed to be pooling at his shoulder blade and he gritted his teeth.

“Keep your hands up there,” the dreamer told him and Adam lifted his right hand higher again.

“I’m just gonna show you my badge—“

“You a cop?” The dreamer interrupted. Adam noticed that his hand didn’t shake as he wielded the gun and it spoke volumes.

“No, I work for the government,” Adam said, trying to keep his voice calm and even although it was getting difficult to ignore the pain in his shoulder as it seemed to have melded with the pain in his head so his whole body felt like it was beginning to vibrate with each fast pulse of his heart. His hands trembled midair.

The dreamer finally lowered the gun but his expression was no less threatening. “What do you want?”

“Can I get my badge now?” Adam asked and the dreamer nodded once so Adam reached into his back pocket stiffly and pulled out his badge, throwing it to the dreamer who caught it easily in one hand. He flicked the safety back on the gun and tucked it behind his back, then studied the badge.

“What the fuck?” Adam heard him mutter under his breath.

“Surely you’ve heard of us?” Adam asked incredulously. With this place so full of dreams, it was hard to grasp that he may have been free to go about this activity unsupervised.

The dreamer looked up from the badge with suspicious hostility. “No, I haven’t.”

Adam didn’t like that look. “I’m gonna need my firearm back,” he said but the dreamer didn’t move or speak, he just carried on looking at Adam until the sound of the creature and the bird flying directly overhead had them both looking at the sky, the bird teasing the monster and cackling as if it knew how to laugh.

“What is that thing?” Adam asked and he reached over his shoulder to press the fingertips of his right hand to his left shoulder blade. They came back smeared with blood. “Jesus. Shit. What is that thing?” he repeated.

“It’s a raven,” the dreamer replied before quickly closing the gap between himself and Adam, pressing the badge into Adam’s chest. The sudden closeness and contact had Adam stepping back like he’d been burnt and the badge fell to the floor between them. He scrabbled in the dirt to pick it up, almost losing his balance as he straightened up again with the throbbing in his temple. The world seemed to darken at the edges, then refocused.

“Not the bird,” he snapped.

“Hey, shit-for-brains,” the dreamer called up at the sky and after a few rotations, the raven plummeted, leaving the monster reeling.

The large bird landed cleanly on the dreamer's shoulder and it eyed Adam with a similar, hostile expression. Adam watched, surprised and silently awed at the tameness of the carrion bird. Then he felt a rush of air as the white creature sored down and he ducked out of the way as the dreamer pointed to the barn calmly without so much as shifting positions.

“Get in there or get lost,” he told it and the creature alighted on the barn roof chaotically, leathery wings flapping, sending a few roof tiles clattering to the ground. Adam took it in. It’s ruined, cadaverous body in a sickly off-white colour. The thing had two heads with ugly, half-humanoid, half-bird features and red eyes. He’d never seen something so terrifying in his life.

“What is it?” He demanded again.

“An angel,” the dreamer replied with a snort.

Adam managed to tear his eyes away. “You know I could have you arrested for keeping it?” he said.

There was something dangerous in the dreamer's face, worse than the expression he wore before. This one was a smirk, sharp as the talons of the raven that hunched on his shoulder. “I thought you weren’t a cop,” he said.

“I’m not, but I’m well within my rights to call them,” Adam told him. He sounded brave but he didn’t feel it. He really wanted to sit down. This time, when his vision blurred and dimmed at the edges, it didn’t return to normal afterwards. He swayed slightly.

“And what exactly is my crime?” The dreamer asked and he shrugged his shoulder, causing the raven to fly off. Adam didn’t watch it go as it was suddenly taking everything in him to stay vertical. He stared at the dreamer, his vision tunneling.

“That thing attacked me,” he said. “You’ve created something dangerous and life threatening. It’s—“ he searched for what he was supposed to say, but his brain felt foggy, words evading him as the tunnel seemed to lengthen, the dreamer getting further and further away. “It’s not allowed,” he settled on and flinched violently as the creature perched on the roof cried out. He brought a hand instinctively to his deaf ear.

“Who says it’s mine?” came the dreamer's voice, far away.

Adam looked about him for something to sag against. If he didn’t urge himself to move quickly, he was going to faceplant the ground again. The barn was a few paces away, he was sure of it, though it looked distant and foreboding.

“As if—“ he staggered to the barn, putting one hand against the weathered wood faster than he thought was possible, then he leaned his whole body into it. “As if I can’t smell it,” he said, lifting his heavy head to see the dreamer moving towards him again, “on you,” he finished, his voice slurring and foreign to his own ears. It wasn’t really the word he was looking for but it seemed to fit. All he could feel was pain, sparking up his whole body like his blood was lighter fluid and someone had dropped a match.

“What the hell, man?” said the dreamer.

“Don’t… touch me,” Adam mumbled as he slid down the wall to the ground like he was melting in the sun.

“I’m not gonna fucking touch you.”

The dreamer's voice seemed to come from very far away and then as Adam was fighting it, unconsciousness grabbed him and took him under and the summer afternoon slipped into nothingness.

[mirielvairenen]

“In the spring of the year, at the time when kings go off to war” is a weird phrase to hear, especially when you’re a SCAdian gearing up for Pennsic.

[lifemod17]

Lifted || 04/27/2025

[minty-bunni]

The craziest thing about PTSD is thinking you're free from it and then getting triggered like 5 mins later by the most random thing.

[gutsfics]

i think Simon is the kinda guy who doesnt cuss much. so like when he Does cuss it gets everyone's attention

[indiegame]

today was. good. yeah. needed that.

[sysig]

Big day for the Sims 2

[dragonanne4fun]

.

[wellthatsclever]

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[quickfixinator]

just read the 2022-present daredevil runs and oh boy do I think that guy has some religious issues. oh boy he is quite a guy ever. I may have a new fixation up my arm just hold on with me for a bit here. the urge to morph my art style is hitting with the power of ten thousand suns. I read all of these to correctly and accurately attempt a compare/contrast of daredevil and other mythologies for a class (I have to make a power point on this eventually) and so far I've read comics for several hours. all in all a very well rounded day of research for this assignment. I am on track. surely.

[lxnarphase]

𓇼 FUCK HER, FLIP HER, BEND HER BACKWARDS !

❤︎₊‧⁺...synopsis : the church always says sex for pleasure is a sin, and nanami kento is a man of the lord. but fuck, if his wife isn't worth sinning for. wc: 4.3k

❤₊‧⁺...cw : n. kento x fem!reader, religious themes, traditionalist views on sex and marriage, loss of virginity, missionary to mating press, breeding kink, overstimulation, unprotected sex, nanami loses himself in your pussy, slight cum play, dirty talk

❤₊‧⁺...lunar's note : am i unintentionally coping with religious trauma? possibly but it is fun :33 anyways based of this! forgive me if my writing is a bit rusty, it's been a while but enjoy !!

the two of you have spoken about eventually having children many times, but knowing the steps it took...it kept you both pushing it back, knowing eventually you'd both be ready.

after speaking with doctors, asking for advice from the church, and having you grumble about the neighbors who welcomed a cute baby girl, the two of you figured it was time.

you did your best to act normal all dayl, trying not to seem to nervous or too excited as you went about your chores for the day.

it may just be an act to procreate, but...it's still your first time with nanami. you want it to at least feel special.

there was nothing in the bible that went against that, right?

well, you have plenty of time to overthink since it seems that your dear husband will be at work late. to pass the time, you wait upstairs in your shared bedroom, the TV on as a distraction.

you're so stuck in your own world that you don't even notice him in the doorway before he clears his throat, leaning in the doorway. "oh! hi, honey, welcome home!" you go to stand up, but he holds up a hand, making you stop before you can get up from the bed.

it's silent, aside from the noise from the TV, and you can feel your stomach flip in anticipation.

has...has he always looked that handsome?

he continues to stand by the door, still not making eye contact. "you said it...starts today, correct," nanami questions, focused on undoing the straps of his watch. it shouldn't be attractive, it's such a simple task...yet it has your stomach doing flips as you nod.

"mhm, my, uh...ovulation starts today." it's such a weird thing to say, it just makes everything feel so...clinical. but that's how it's supposed to be, right? those who use sex for pleasure instead of procreation are sinners, or whatever the reverend at the church says.

"mm."

slowly pulling it off, he sets the watch on the dresser before shutting the bedroom door

"good."

dear god in heaven, you think to yourself, struggling to swallow the saliva pooling inside your mouth as he starts to undress. please forgive me for such inappropriate thoughts about my husband.

he removes his suit jacket—black today, it seems—placing it carefully on his desk chair, followed by his cufflinks and tie. his shirt is next, each button popping to reveal his strong, well-maintained physique.

you have to stop yourself from pumping your fist in the air for getting so lucky with such an attractive man as your husband. too busy ogling him like a horny teenager, you miss him undoing his belt before tugging them down and stepping out of his boxers.

once you do realize he's fully undress, you blush hard once he approaches the end of the bed—it took everything out of you not to stare at that...monster hanging between his legs, dear lord—and climbs onto it, making his way to hover over you.

his eyes roam up and down your body, taking in the pretty silky night dress you had on. It’s a soft blue with lacy white trim with little intricate flower designs.

modest, yet sensual.

"this is new," he comments, voice low and sultry. you can't help but wonder if he meant to sound so...so...

you don't find the correct word for it, but this new tone lights a fire in your stomach that has your r thighs squeezing together just a little bit.

"well, i figured it was an important night...you know, finally popping our cherries a-and starting a family?"

it's a weak attempt at humor, your voice clearly giving away your nervousness. you just pray that he ignores it.

a soft hum leaves him, his fingers playing with the intricately designed lace trim. the idea that you want to make this whole ordeal special, that you want to give yourself to him wholly, and that you want to swell with his child...

it pleases him greatly, a small smile touching his lips.

"well, aren't you sweet, my dearest?"

such simple words, yet they relieve so much tension from your shoulders. you can't help but smile back before a little gasp falls from your lips when his hands start to lift the dress up. his hands, they're so big, so hot on your skin.

It's a struggle to remember that this is for the purpose of producing offspring and nothing else, but you try, you try so hard.

but when you hear the hitch in his breath at the realization you didn't have anything else underneath the dress after he pulls it over your head, it's hard to remember.

the thought just about completely leaves your mind at the way nanami, your usually put-together husband, looks so hungrily down at you, a look you've never seen before in those pretty hazel eyes.

his gaze lingers on your body for a moment, mouth opening before shutting instantly, preventing himself from saying something he'd likely regret.

calm down, kento, he reminds himself, taking a second to clear his mind. this is for the purpose of family, not sinful and carnal desires.

even so, he's drinking in the sight of you, unable to stop his hands from rubbing up and down your sides, the soft skin of you, his wife, warming his palms. all his.

"gorgeous," he mumbles, unaware he even said it.

the moment you feel his leaking cock brush against your leg, a thought occurs to you.

neither one of you has a single idea of how to do this.

sure, you both know enough about putting it inside and moving, but that was about it. is there something else you should do? things you should say, places you should touch to aid in the process?

they never explained the actual process of sex in church, and lord knows your mother and father would've keeled over and died instantly if you were to ask them.

'it comes naturally when god deems it your time' the reverend stated once during a sermon. you fight back a frown, realizing that man probably had even less of an idea of how to do it.

however, the feeling of his tip nudging against your slit rips a gasp out of you, bringing you back into the present.

"are you alright? you left me for a bit there," nanami asks, his brow furrowed in worry. if you weren't ready, he was willing to back off. he may want to fulfill this important aspect of marriage, but...not if you don't want it.

"n-no, i'm okay! just...wondering how all of this is going to work out," you softly reassure, giving a weak giggle.

he can't blame you, he isn't very sure either. but as the man of the house and as your husband, he didn't plan on letting you worry. he would do all the work, you just needed to lay there looking so pretty, so soft, so...he realizes he's doing it again, letting his mind wander to places it shouldn't.

"just...j-just relax, we will figure it out as we go along."

with your silent nod, nanami starts to push his hips forward, hissing silently when he realizes the wetness that greets him.

you were this aroused just from...talking?

the thought of scolding you for letting your mind wander crossed his own, but...it would be hypocritical when his cockhead is dribbling precum all over your soft mound.

you choke out a noise of pain when his cock finally notches onto you and starts to push inside. sure, your wetness helped get the tip and the few inches after it inside, but just that is already too much for you, and you're expected to take all of it?!

you do your best not to move, not really sure what you should be doing. you'd be a good wife and bear with the pain if you had to, your nails digging into the pillow under your head as you braced yourself for the rest of his cock.

but this is absolutely unbearable, how do other women bear with this and have 6 or more children?!

a flicker of concern flashes through nanami's eyes at the sound you made, and he stops moving forward. he may be a bit mean sometimes, but he wasn't cruel.

if you both are going to go through with this, he is not going to make you suffer and nor is he going to force you to endure a painful experience.

no true man of god would do such a thing.

"breathe, don't hold it in," he instructs, his voice somehow calm and collected. one of his hands laces with yours, hoping to provide some sort of comfort as his lips brush against your forehead. "i've got you, darling, the pain will pass, just...tell me to stop if it gets too bad. don't hold it in."

giving a soft nod, you try to match his breathing, your body relaxing and making it easier for nanami to slip the rest of himself inside, a near silent sigh escaping him. the tightness and initial resistance that greeted him nearly made him moan, his cock twitching violently inside of you.

something about the physical feeling and knowledge that you saved yourself for him like you promised years before you both got married sent a surge of possession and pride, knowing he has such a loving and faithful wife who is so willing to give herself up to him like this...he can only hope you feel the same knowing he saved himself for you and only you.

so, as a 'reward'—and totally not because he fears you'll strangle his cock off with how tight you are—he's so gracious to you, not moving to let you get used to the stretch and feel of him inside, the room silent except for your matching breathing.

a few moments go by, and you should feel embarrassed when you feel slick drip out of you and down your ass. the realization that your dearest husband, one of the most faithful men of the church, is letting his cock soak inside of your hot cunt makes you whine a little, slick walls fluttering around him.

he's so fucked.

"a-ah...i'm going to move now," he warns, taking your sudden noise as a good sign. nanami shifts his legs just a bit before giving an experimental thrust, his brow furrowing as he slowly finds a rhythm.

the feeling of your hot and gummy walls is absolutely intoxicating, divine, nothing he's ever felt before.

this is what it felt like?

this is what he waited for?

fuck, it felt...it felt so good.

too good.

for you, the pain completely melts away, and you silently thank god and the angels above for giving you a merciful husband who is so kind as to wait for you to loosen up around him.

little do you know, he would rather kill himself than start moving when you're still adjusting to the pain and stretch.

his gentle movements make you all but melt under him, your eyes fluttering at the unbelievable pleasure coursing through your veins.

no wonder your parents preached about saving yourself until marriage, and thank the heavens you listened.

the very thought of feeling this way with anyone but your kento puts a bad taste in your mouth.

meanwhile, nanami chants prayers in his head over and over again as he tries his best to focus on the 'true' purpose for this.

the sticky, wet, and gooey sensation of your plump cunt sucking him, practically weeping each time he pulls out is just unfair.

the poor man, he's fighting so hard to maintain his composure, to not succumb to the base instincts that those soft moans of yours are beginning to stir within him.

"s-shush, darling," he grits out, hips still following his slow, deep pace. "don't...don't make such noises," he all but pleads, voice tinged with a huskiness that betrayed his growing need for you.

“i-i’m sorry! just, it...feels good, y-you feel good, feels s-so good,” you whisper, hands coming up to cover your mouth and stifle those sickeningly sweet noises.

but of course, that isn’t enough because each push and pull of his cock stirs your drooling cunt, filling the room with wet, filthy squelching sounds.

nothing about this is holy, nanami thinks as he grits his teeth, hands fisting in the sheets next to your head.

look at her.

those soft, muffled noises are truly music to his ears, his pace morphing from the slow, deep grind into a faster pace as your soft body gives into the pleasure.

so wet, so damn tight around my cock., like she never wants to let me pull out.

"k-kento, y-you're goin' too deep, i-i can't be quiet, s'too much!"

messy little pussy, 's beggin' for cum, needs it, needs to feel my tip kissin' her cervix as i pump load after load into her womb.

he knows what that little voice is, and no matter how much he wants to claim that it’s the sound of demons pouring their sinful words into his mind, he knows that it's his thoughts, fueled by those dirty little noises that she can't hold back.

how pitiful, how sinful, doesn't she know she's going against all the teachings they've heard preached every weekend in their church?

doesn't she know she's giving into lust?

doesn't she know her pretty sounds are making his dick throb, painting her insides with his hot, gooey precum?

"hush, 'm not going to t-tell you again, you...you need to be quiet," he growls, the command lacking its earlier authority.

nanami also knows lying is a sin, and he's doing a damned lot of it right now as he tries to convince himself that you need to stay silent. after all, this—this is just a process of giving you both a child, just like you wanted, and nothing else.

but he's lying to himself.

he needs you to be quiet or else he'll lose it.

the poor man is barely holding onto his restraint, and these sweet noises pouring from your mouth aren't helping at all.

"y-you make this so difficult sometimes, my dear..." his voice is rough with need and desire, a stark contrast to his usual composed demeanor. "but, by god, you're...you're. absolutely. exquisite."

he punctuates his words with a particularly hard thrust, grinding his hips into you in a way that has the coarse hair on his crotch to rub against your clit. the pleasure it gives you is electric, your legs coming up to squeeze his hips as you try to grind with him.

his words, his simple praise only makes you hiccup his name, crying out louder as your watery eyes roll back as your needy cunt squeezed down on his fat cock.

you're such a sweet thing, trying oh-so hard to mute your sounds. each snap of his hips is all but driving you insane.

“i-i can’t, ken, y-you don’t understand, i-it feels so good, i-i’m so full! you’re pressing against all the good spots, kentoo, i-i love you s' much, b-but i can't!”

be a good fucking husband and do what you were made to, nanami kento.

his teeth dig into his bottom lip, trying to hard to ignore that temptation purring in the back of his mind.

the voice is so much louder now, echoing throughout his mind and muting any prayers or pleads to be mindful of the sanctity of this whole process.

fuck her. give her what she needs, what she deserves.

but it's too fucking hard, he can't his hips are speeding up, his strong hands moving to grip your thighs, unaware of how they start to anchor behind your knees.

breed your pretty little wife and give her a baby like she deserves.

with a deep groan, nanami finally loses all control, fingers digging into your supple thighs to push them to your chest and practically folding you in half.

this new angle has him openly moaning like a dirty whore, allowing him to plunge even deeper into your tight, gummy walls, the head of his cock kissing your cervix with each and every deep thrust.

"k-ken, kenny, k-ken," you sob, tears catching onto your lashes as your entire being is assaulted by the endless pleasure your husband is giving you. he doesn't even look like your kento anymore, his pupils blown so wide that you can barely see the ring of greens and brown of his iris.

"f-fuck. 's all your fault, you know that," he hisses, eyes narrowing as he weakly glares down at you. but you can see the hearts in his eyes as he gives in to the pleasure.

his dark eyes bore down into yours, the wet plap plap plap plap of his hips slamming into yours almost overpowering his voice. "if y-you just stayed quiet like i asked, w-we wouldn't be here."

a little spurt of wet gushes out of you, making his fall forward into the juncture of your neck with a groan at the dirty noise it makes,

"god, i-i can feel it, y'know? can feel this sticky pussy—such a dirty little pussy—makin' such a mess. saved it jus' for me, didn't you, baby? mmhm—fuckin' hell, 's tight—thank you god f' giving me such an angel of a wife." nanami is huffing nonsense against your neck, pounding into you with a force that has the bed creaking loudly.

if you weren't being fucked stupid, you would be worried he was about to break the bed.

"you can keep that pretty mouth of yours shut, b-but you jus' had to have the noisiest little cunt."

he's so mean, but it only serves to make you gush even more, the way juices pour out of you and only make the already filthy noises even nastier.

"she's talkin' to me, baby, y'hear it? i'm...i-i'm gonna breed you," he manages to whine into your ear, pulling away to press his sweaty forehead against yours.

his tongue, so pink and pretty—you want it in your mouth, want to taste it want to feel it against yours—runs over his top lip as he watches drool drip down the corner of your mouth while you nod brainlessly.

nanami's never felt so dirty, so unhinged, but it feels so right, feels so fucking good. he never wants to leave your pussy, never wants to pull out, this is where he belongs, buried deep inside you as his cock pumps load after load right into your tummy, giving you what you need, what you deserve.

"yeah? you want that? i'll give it to you, baby, promise, 'm gonna be a good husband a-and knock you up, gonna make you a mommy."

that has you keening, tears pouring down your cheeks at the pleasure it shoots up your spine. you know you're close, but it's different.

it feels different, feels too much, there's pressure you've never felt before from the few times you'd cave in and play with your puffy, swollen clit in the shower when you waited for nanami to get home from work to kiss you to sleep.

no, you feel like you are about to fucking explode. "ken, i-i can't, 'm gonna—s-something's coming," you try to warn, your hands fisting in his hair as you tug and tug and tug.

the pull of his hair makes him moan like a slut, it sounds so fucking good. his eyes are rolling back before he rushes to comfort you, pressing soft little open-mouthed kisses against your lips.

you don't need to fight it, you just need to give it to him, give him what he needs.

"shh, shh, don' cry, y' look t'pretty, honey. l-let it happen, cum for me, i've got you, angel, cum for me s-so i can fill you up," he coos, his hips growing erratic as he feels your silky walls starting to fluttering around him, feeling you teeter on the edge of release.

he shifts, just barely, just enough to better position himself to fuck deeper into you. but that slight movement has his cock smushing against something soft and spongy that makes you sob, growing softer and more pliant under him, and you know you are done for as all you can do is wail his name.

"please, pretty girl, cum for me, show me how good 'm making you feel, soak my cock, c'mon, you can do it."

with a loud mewl that nearly has nanami soaking your walls in cum, you dig your nails into his biceps as you finally, finally cum. and you're right, it is different, your cute pussy squirting and creaming all over his dick.

the poor man is choking back a whine, eyes wide in shock as your cunt just gushes slick everywhere, clenching around him like a vice as you cum.

your juices are soaking his cock and balls, splattering against his lower abdomen obscenely. the thought of making you do that again crosses his mind for a split moment before the need to fill you up for being so good overpowers any other thought.

not giving you a break, he continues his unforgiving fucking, ignoring your cries and pleads for him to slow down.

"nonono, shh, shh, shush, you can take it," he coos against your lips, no longer caring if this was sinning or not. all he could think about was the constant squeezing and spasming of your poor overstimulated slit that was milking him toward his orgasm.

you try to squirm away, but the way he has you folded in half has you unable to do anything but accept his stupidly deep thrusts that make you swear you can taste his cock in the back of your throat.

"t-tha's it." he's panting, slurring his words, his fingers digging into the fat of your thighs. it’s so wet, so messy now, but he can't find it in himself to care.

no, all he can think about as he looks down at you is how you'll have that angelic glow as you grow round with his baby, and everyone will know you're his, that he knocked you up, he pumped you full of his cum, that you're his you're his you're all fucking his—

"f-fuck, honey, i-i can't..." his hips stutter as he does his best to maintain his rhythm, but his own release is barreling down on him. his heavy balls are drawing up tight as they slap against your ass, your juices still pouring out and soaking all of him.

"'m gonna fill you up, 'm gonna pump this—this sinful little cunt f-full of m'cum, angel, gonna knock you up, gonna have you drippin' with me, g-gonna give you a fuckin' baby, shit—"

with a deep, guttural groan, nanami hisses your name as he buries himself as deep as possible, his hot tip kissing your cervix as thick, hot ropes of his potent cum pour right into your womb, hips grinding into you and giving little thrusts as you milk his cock weakly despite your overstimulation.

it's—it's so much, he's still cumming, how was all of this inside of him? you can practically feel it sloshing around inside of you, and you whimper when you feel it gush out around his now softening cock, dripping down your ass onto the bed.

a moment or two passes, and he sits up, pushing his sweaty hair out of his face and looking down at you.

oh.

you sweet thing, you're an absolute mess. you have tear streaks down your cheeks, your lips swollen from him unknowingly biting them between the little kisses he was giving you, a pretty sheen of sweat on you, and...

his eyes trail lower to where his dick is still nestled inside of you, and it takes everything in him to not accidentally thrust his hips a little bit.

it's a creamy, sticky mess, a mixture of his and your cum seeping out your poor, abused pussy.

"o-oh. sorry, my love. i'm...not quiet sure what happened there. i apologize for such...foul language," he mumurs, his hand stroking your hip. "'s okay," you softly coo back to him, your eyes fluttering shut as you try to catch your breath. "i-i liked it..."

but you quickly learn you've married both a man of god and a curious, insatiable bastard who can't help but drag his cum all over your pussy, quickly finding your clit. and the reaction you give him is one he decides he likes, your hips canting up as your soft, oversensitive walls squeeze around his cock again.

"k-kento, that's nasty!"

all you get in response is a grumbling noise in his chest as it takes you weakly slapping your hands against his chest to get his eyes to snap away from your gooey, creamy pussy.

clearing his throat, he looks down at you, that heated look slowly creeping back onto his face. "perhaps we...we should try once more. just to ensure it takes," he states, doing his best to show some semblance of dominance.

but it's impossible when his hair is sticking to his sweaty forehead, his pupils blown as he gazes down at your panting form like he's about to devour you whole.

"after all, a...a big family is what god wants from man and woman, right? so we...shouldn't delay and keep trying." his hand trails up your side before finding its way to your breast, squeezing the soft flesh.

his thumb experimentally rolled your nipple, and the way your body reacted, a soft gasp of his name...how is he supposed to explain the feeling he's getting in the confessional booth?

"y-yeah," he gulps, leaning his head down. you can feel his hot breath against your tit, and you swear you feel drool drip onto your breast. "w-we'll keep trying. jus' to make sure w-we do what the scripture asks."

may god forgive him for being such a fucking liar and a damned bad one at that.

all rights reserved © lxnarphase | do not repost, copy, translate, or alter my work

[alias-milamber]

Some notes on getting a new pope:

* As depicted in the movie Conclave, voting for the new pope is held in secret. The only clue as to who voted for the current pope is to see which direction they face when leaving the Sistine Chapel. This is known as Cardinality.

* In order to make sure no bribes are taking place, the voting block must conduct all their transactions using the vatican's own ecommerce system, Papal.

* No communication is allowed from the chapel while the voting is taking place. The only clues are from the chimney: black smoke indicates a failed vote, white smoke indicates a new pope, and red smoke indicates that the conclave needs pizza.

* The ashes of former non-canonised popes are mixed with flower petals and essential oils to provide a pleasant and holy atmosphere for debate. This is known as popeourri

* There is usually about an hour between the election of the pope and their first appearance on the balcony of the basilica. This is to give them time to sign the poperwork.

* Several times during history sects have taken the opportunity of a papal election to declare their own leaders as the new head of the church. Should one of these alternates shake hands with a vatican-elected pope, both men vanish.

* The announcement of the new pope is the template for modern gender reveal parties, and this isn’t even in the top twenty worst things the apostolic Catholic Church is responsible for.

* There is no historical basis for the pope’s testicular check being done by having a chair with a hole in the seat, and I say this because I went to write one of these based on that and checked first, and now the papacy is a little less funny to me, and isn’t that the point of this exercise?

* The official name for the countdown listing of candidates for the pontifex position is known as “Top of the Popes”

* While a pope speaking from the Throne can speak the word of God, it is not a paid position from which he will earn money.

* All ghosts are removed from the chapel between each day of the conclave to stop them reporting on any progress, which is the point of that exorcise.

* Since 1929 the seat of the pontifex hasn’t failed to elect a new pope. It isn’t the Vatican’t.

* The announcement of a new pope is accompanied by a musical chord that is believed to be pleasing to the divine ear. It is known as the Holy C.