#I’ll read this again in the morning and fix any errors I see

[mewnia]

thank you! i enjoy tales of sunday but i would love to see more oc stuff esp if that's more fun for you too :3

i'd love to ask you some questions about your ocs if you're willing to answer! i've been through the tags but there's definitely more to know about all the characters. one character i didn't see a lot of info on was selah! what's her background like? how did she grow up? what is she getting up to around the time the main story takes place? what's her relationship to the rest of the cast like? her relationship with abriel? what's her general role in the story? any other cool stuff you wanna spill? you can answer as many or as few of these questions as you like! i'd love to read your ramblings :p

Ahhh I love my girl Selah! She’s one of the more straight-forward characters so I often don’t have to draw concepts for her, if that makes sense? I probably should, it would help me connect with her character more!

She’s a very silly girl, at heart. A reference that I usually follow is relating her to Jessie from Toy Story but more farmer-ish rather than cowboy. She definitely follows her gut. Selah and Abriel’s family are farmers of medicinal herbs protected by Autumnest’s royal family. These herbs come in extremely handy to both residents of Autumnest and to researchers in Springland. No one knows how they got these herbs. According to Selah, their plants just one day started having healing properties!

To other characters, Selah is a sibling all-around! Her more focused relationships (besides Abriel) are with Ella and Mel. Selah relates to Ella’s predicament with her father, who is ill, and knows one day Ella will need support to deal with what’s coming. Meanwhile, Selah is so energetic and playful, she’s a breath of fresh air for Ella. With Mel, I’m still playing around with, but the main gist is that Abriel seems to have a really close interest in them. Therefore, Selah wants in, too!

Selah is incredibly close with her twin brother Abriel. She loves having someone there by her side, someone who is both a huge, personal part of her and yet their own person. She loves doing the whole twin-matching thing, and Abriel goes along with it to see her smile. Actually, Abriel is sometimes there for her a little too much, if that makes sense. The siblings try to out-do each other in service to one another often. Apparently for their Quinceañera/Quinceañero, both of them made such tall, towering cakes for the other that they ended up feeding their whole village for days! The twins refuse to say who made the tallest… Local villagers will tell you it was a tie ;P

Mel, Ella, Abriel, and Asher, when going unchecked can get very doom and gloom very quickly as characters. So Selah is here to hopefully lift the party’s, an especially the viewer’s, spirits <3

Here are some other drawings of Selah! One of her for MerMay that I plan to finish in October for OC-tober, and the other from an entry in Asher’s journal — 10 years before the main story. This journal hasn’t been posted on my blog, mainly because I’m embarrassed of my writing skills, haha

Thank you for asking, I don’t mind at all! I meant it when I said I could talk about my OC’s for days. It’s a long post, that’s for sure :P

[starskipper]

My master list

i run a blog that recommends the best methods for things like tucking packing binding and padding/stuffing i also try to spread general safety resources for trans, gnc, and intersex, and queer people in general.

the plan is to put links for all my recommendations then have a link to another post that explains things like instructions, safety, and how to wash and care for and alter what I recommend. if you want to see all the notes use #notes (my intro post is linked here, I want to keep the master list pinned instead of it)

before we get started if all of this is too much text I have a version of this where it’s all the same things without as much text

And I’m always open for questions or requests I’ll do specific research on any items you ask about to answer whatever questions anyone sends. That’s the other main thing this blog is for, more than willing to answer questions and do research for you all.

status: everythings updated :) my grammar is messy but i did my best, ill probably be going back and fixing grammar at some point later.

1. News. for keeping up with trans news and bills in the states Erin in the Morning(this is who i got these three news links from i recommend subscribing to Erin in the Morning theres a option for a free subscribtion) Anti-Trans National Risk Assessment Map: March Edition(the most updated anti trans national risk map breaks down each states safety) LGBTQ+ Legistlative Tracking 2025(tracking all the anti queer bills) Transgender Healthcare "Shield" Laws(sheild states that promise to protect trans people) where to get HRT USA map (informed consent) 1.notes

2. packers, harnesses, altered boxers, stp tutorial(stps can be finicky and arent stealth, i wouldnt spend alot of money on one) free crochet pattern first video tutorial second video tutorial free knitted pattern sewn tutorial (packer, harness, boxers. theres stp tutorial too but that one isnt sewn)

durable silicone packer softer more delicate silicone packer another soft delicate one different brand 2. notes

3. breast forms and bras and bra care and shapewear free crochet pattern Knitted, website with free pattern and videos easier sewn breast forms Intricate sewn breast forms silicone circle option or silicone triangle option pocket bras or expensive pocket bras and shapewear you can get cheaper underwear from stores near you read my notes it explains if you can’t afford or safely buy shapewear 3. Notes

4. repairing torn silicone(again for specifically soft prosthetics, breasts and packers) sil-poxy 4. notes

5. silicone adhesives for prosthetics(I spent months getting and testing loads of adhesives so I’m really proud of these) skinster medical grade silicone adhesive or wig tape and skinster medical grade silicone adhesive remover works for both of them 5. notes

6. trans tape trans tape 6. notes

7. binders this gets complicated so again please read the notes im going to add to this spectrum outfitters or gc2b(specifically the 2.0 ones) 7. notes (how to alter a binder) (how to repair and reinforce a binder and fix manufactured errors in a binder) and if you can’t afford or safely get a binder

8. tucking this video is what id recommend for this you dont need anything special for this just tights or boxers with some kind of stretchy fabric tube from a shirt or leggings 8. notes 9. menstrual stuff Saalt Menstrual Disc or Saalt Soft Cup, (i read the disc is better) 9. notes and trans shaving guide for men women and non binary people

im also adding voice feminization and masculation id recommend this channel ive heard good things im not a expert on voices like i am with silicone and prosthetics but ive seen these get recommended a lot and ive tried them both they work from what i can tell

also i have notes for dysphoria tips i tried thinking through what would help all trans people generally with dysphoria and this is what i came up with dysphoria is tricky and different for everyone so these are really shots in the dark, i also have information on dysphoria the the different types, also the different types of trans and or intersex people. lastly if you can use good rx when you get your trt its not insurance but it gives you massive discounts

we now have a therian and otherkin addition :)

other tips better alternatives to Spotify YouTube google google docs better stores to buy from tips of laundry and cleaning (that are also hyperallogenic) and more

[mysumeow]

. . . ꒰ TEMPTING

Warnings: afab body and breasts, reader is referred to with you/your only. PIV unprotected sex, edging, prone bone position, thigh job, pwp (plot what plot). This is sort of a continuation of another smut i posted but you can read this without reading the first one.

Word count: 1.9k

A/N: uhg. lilia. i love him. i love general lilia. thats it that all i have to say.

₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ ♡ 🌷 . . KOFI | TWST MASTERLIST | PREVIOUS

Whenever a window of opportunity to rest presents itself, you’ll sit on the nearest tree stump or log available, idly watching what happens around you.

You see soldiers' training, sparring, fixing tents, and the general dividing tasks among his subordinates with a stern voice. Lilia’s an example of what being a leader means—not limiting himself to delegating labor, but also lending a hand.

He grabbed the handle of his lithic weapon as he sparred with one soldier; with practiced ease, Lilia unarmed the soldier. The general reprimanded the other fae for losing his footing over a basic movement.

Lilia plans tactics for ambushes furtively, aiming to attack the enemy’s weakness first. Deft and sharp.

Soon, you’d understand that the general isn’t used to docility of any kind. Neither giving nor receiving. A war general shouldn’t allow a margin of error, steps should be given with precision and intent on subduing your adversary.

You recalled your first intimate night with Lilia. You remembered the sensation of him holding back, and even then, he still did a number on your body. You’ve spent enough time with the fae to know that the moment you try to point out any attempt at tenderness on his part, he would deny it.

You couldn’t help but find it endearing. And your curiosity increased the more you wondered about to what extent you could tease him and make him lose his constraints. Lilia’s libido was pretty responsive to what you did or said, so it wouldn’t be difficult to push him in that direction.

The moment the soldiers were already in their tents, you sneaked into the general’s.

“I’m heading to the lake to wash off the dirt,” you said as you entered the tent. You found your fae writing something down on the map splayed across the table.

Lilia acknowledged you with a hum.

You sighed. “I don’t wanna go alone. The woods become frightening the moment there’s no more sunlight, you know.”

Lilia dropped the pencil and looked at you. “A little dirt on your body’s not going to kill you,” he teased.

“You know I can’t sleep like that. I sweated a lot today, too. Baur made me accompany that expedition group to the mountain’s skirt in the morning,” you complained. “I promise it won’t be long.”

You sensed that he was about to give up.

“And someone could sneak up on me and see me naked.”

That was enough argument for the fae to stand up from his chair and rush to tag along with you.

This was your favorite moment of the day, when you could not just finally go to bed but also freshen up with clean water. Even if the temperature might be a bit chilly during the night, the fresh water was welcomed to clean you up from the dirt and sweat that clinged to your skin.

“The water feels nice,” You hummed as you dipped your toes into it. Lilia was more concerned about making sure no one was near, though, his ears flicked at the slightest suspicious sound.

You began undressing in front of him, as you have done many times before. Even with your back turned towards him, you could feel his stare roaming around your flesh.

You carefully entered into the serene lake until the water covered your chest.

“Lilia,” You called out to him again. His gaze returned to you. “Why don’t you join? You look like you need this, too.”

“You said you wouldn’t take long. I still have work to finish.” He crossed his arms, gripping his lithic.

“Just this once,” You almost pouted. “You’ve been busy these past few days. I miss you already. I’ll even help you wash your back.”

You held Lilia’s stare before he, for the second time today, humored you. Soon, his clothes were untidily placed next to yours.

Beaming with joy, you hugged Lilia the instant he was within reach.

“General, your hair’s getting wet,” You hurried to help him fix his hairstyle in a way that the inconvenience would be resolved. “There. All done.”

Lilia grumbled about something meaningless as he allowed you to scrub his back, washing off both dirt and dried blood and uncovering new lacerations he had gained from recent ambushes. You traced them with your fingers, leaning closer to kiss those scars.

You couldn’t see Lilia’s expression, but you did sense his body’s temperature going up.

“Mm, you’re so warm,” You relished the warmth from the fae’s body. Your tits pressed flush against his back, and your hands roamed around his front—feather-like touches teasing his chest and abdomen. You were aware that your words and actions were leading in a certain direction, so before Lilia beat you to it and followed through with it, you pulled away from him. “It’s getting chilly, though. Let’s head back already.”

In the blink of an eye, Lilia gripped your wrist and pulled you towards his chest. Your backside making contact with something hard and hot, nudging in between your thighs.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Hm? I thought the general had work to finish,” You feigned innocence.

“That can wait. Right now, I need to have you.”

“But we’re in a lake! Someone could walk in on us. Let’s head back to the tent,” Ignoring the evident ache in your body, you did your best to deter him. For fun. To test how far you could make him wait. If not for your determination to uncover the fae’s strength, you would’ve conceded.

Under the promise, the general’s complaint had died for the moment.

Once in the tent, you were preparing to go to sleep, until a sudden force pinned you against the bed. A small squeak left you, and the familiar arms squeezing your waist made you understand that your little teasing reaped an interesting reaction from him.

“Lilia—” You tried to gain some balance by trying to prop your torso up with your hands, but the general immobilized you by further pinning your legs against the mattress with his.

“You little tease, you think I wouldn’t notice what you were trying to do?” He brushed away the hair covering your nape to nip at the sensitive skin there. “If you wanted me to rough your body up, you should’ve just asked for it,”

This was what you wanted, although you didn’t imagine it would be this soon. If this little teasing got you to this point, you couldn’t imagine how he would be if you had done more...

One hand slipped under your underwear while his other hand covered your mouth in time before a moan escaped you. With his index and middle fingers, he began rubbing your clit in circular motions.

“I’ve been treating you with so much leniency you’ve forgotten who you’re dealing with,” His breath against your ear made you shiver, and a renewed sense of pleasure overtook your body. “I’ll have to remind you,”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” You managed to whisper, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible but failing with how he played with your sex. Lilia really did know you inside out.

“You were already wet when I slid my hand under your clothes. Don’t try to act coy now,” He seemed to be amused, above all.

You clutched the sheets as you lost yourself in pleasure, your head falling against the pillow and using it to muffle your voice. You barely register Lilia pulling your pajama pants down and off your legs.

The fae grew eager, having a sliver of enough composure left to discard your underwear, but your uncoordinated and trembling body made the task more complicated than needed. Instead, he pushed it to the side, his fingers not once faltering in stimulating you.

A muffled whimper of his name. Not even a second later, Lilia stopped his movements.

“Noo, what’re you doing,” You protested, not expecting him to halt. “I was about to…”

“Aw, you were about to. What a pity,” He mocked you, momentarily freeing your body from his antsy hands to remove his own garments. Once done, you felt him spread your slicked pussy lips with his thumbs, eyeing you up with a satisfied, complacent grin. “You like being treated like this. You have no salvation, do you?��

Despite not being able to deny it, your face burned from embarrassment. Even if Lilia tended to put your pleasure first and holds back from going all out, the change in that tactful demeanor into a meaner one still excited you.

While holding you open still, he grinded his cock between your folds, using both his pre-cum and your arousal to lubricate it. You were growing impatient, and thus, tried to grind back against him to incite him into already giving in.

Lilia rested his weight against your back, his chest flush against it, weighing you down. Lilia dug his fingernails into your flesh, while demanding that you stay still. His fingers went back to playing with your clit, using your sticky inner thighs to pleasure himself.  

After what felt like forever, the tip prodded inside, taking his time to stuff you with more of his dick. He pulled back until the just head was in and thrust with more strength. The feeling of Lilia’s warm body embracing yours and his thickness stretching you almost made you forget about holding back your voice.

From the very moment you conceived the idea of teasing him, to Lilia not allowing you to touch yourself or him, the buildup to your orgasm approached faster than what you expected. As if both factors weren’t enough, you were still sensitive over the climax you were robbed of prior moments ago.

You mewled, trying to reach behind you and hold his hand to ground yourself.

Instead, the fae grabbed your arms and pinned them against your back, his pace not stuttering for even a minute.

This was what you wanted—for him to be rougher…and within a couple more smacks of his hips against yours, you came hard around him, broken moans of his name escaping from your bitten lips. Lilia quieted himself by kissing your shoulder the moment he released his cum inside.

Sore and spent, your head collapsed forward against the pillow again. You heard Lilia’s amused chuckle, resting next to you while keeping an arm wrapped around you.

“I wasn’t too rough, right?” He muttered after a while in silence, his eyes inspecting your body. “Does it hurt somewhere?”

“My arms, you gripped me too hard,” You mumbled. “I didn’t notice it at the moment because…it felt nice…”

At your confession, he looked taken back by it before his expression shifted into a relieved one and he chuckled. “I should’ve known you like being treated like that. You are quite keen about my fangs, and I’ve noticed how your body melts when I bite you,”

Before you could fawn over the coy visage that took over his eyes for a split second, it faded away with the same ease it appeared as he turned his head to the other side.

“I love it when you’re trying to be gentle, even if you’re not that great at it,” You teased, your fingers brushing his hair. Lilia grunted, suddenly grumpy about you pointing that out. “But I also enjoy it when you’re rough,”

He humphed, still avoiding facing you. You smiled at him, despite it not being visible to him. You closed your eyes, feeling exhaustion getting to you.

[thehighladywrites]

I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater…

Pairing: azriel x reader, the ic, lucien and elain, and helion mentioned

Summary: angst, no happy ending for him, a bit ooc azriel bc he’s an absolute ass in this. also I can’t make elain the villain bc I love her. bittersweet ending, cassian and feyre being the most wonderul people ever. some swearing, like a tiiiiiny nsfw scene, like it barely counts, but i’ll warn you anyways.

Author’s note: yeah, this was inspired by heather, so definitely listen to it while reading💔 i just think this was the perfect day👀 never again am i writing angst, plus i might have been a bit dramatic when said this was gut-wrenching, i don’t think this was very angsty, just a bit tragic. but i hate angst so any angst is gut-wrenching in my eyes🤷🏽‍♀️ also there’s no revenge better than rising above…

Word count: 6,5 k words

If you see any grammar errors or spelling mistakes, no you didn’t ❤️

"Y/n, I practically hear your teeth chattering. Here, wear this." Azriel removed his sweater, passing it to you with a hint of concern in his eyes. You bit the inside of your lip to keep from smiling, he was always so thoughtful and observant. It was on of the reasons you fell in love with him.

"It's okay, Az, you'll freeze." You attempted to return the warm clothes, but he firmly pushed them back, fixing you with a stare that left no argument.

"I won't freeze. You know I'm used to this weather. Bet you miss your old home right about now." He alluded to your home court, The Day Court where the sun always shines, and standing on the balcony on a crisp December morning doesn't make your fingers feel like they'll fall off.

You arrived in Velaris to assist with document translations, given your expertise. Your services were in high demand across various courts. And initially, a month-long stay extended to two, then three. Eventually, enchanted by Velaris and its people, you asked Helion if you could make it your permanent home. The support of your friends added to the whole experience.

You slid into Azriel's warm sweater, feeling its comforting embrace. The fabric whispered tales of comfort and safety, an unspoken promise against the biting cold. As you adjusted to the newfound warmth, your heart felt a different heat—one that spoke against the unspoken feelings you had towards him. The subtle scent of his cologne lingered, intertwining with the softness of the fabric, creating a scent that seemed to make your heart flutter twice as hard. In that moment, you couldn't help but let the warmth of the sweater mirror the warmth within you.

“ Feel better?” You nodded, avoiding his eyes in fear that he’d be able to see the emotions portrayed on your face.

“ Thanks, Az. For the sweater and all. It’s really warm.”

The corner of his lips twitched as his eyes remained on you, “Keep it. It looks better on you than it ever did me anyways.���

He grabbed your hand before you could respond and walked back in, closing the balcony doors. Stuck between friends and something more, you felt lost. Wanting to confess your feelings to Azriel but scared it could mess things up, you were torn. The shared laughs felt like good friends, but those lingering looks sparked a longing for more. Balancing this act, you wrestled with risking the friendship for a shot at something deeper. In the middle of all this, you were standing there, not sure which way to go.

As you hesitated walking further with him, Azriel noticed you stopped walking and furrowed his brow. "Hey, what's up?" he asked, his eyes reflecting genuine concern.

You wanted to tell Azriel how you felt, but doubts held you back. As you looked at him, the sweater felt heavy with unsaid words. You wondered if it's better to say what's on your mind or keep it to yourself. Fear answered for you as you shook your head and gave him a reassuring smile.

——————

Later that day, during dinner, Azriel asked you to meet him in the upstairs library while your friends were distracted, to which you accepted, head spinning at the possibilities.

In the quiet sanctuary of the library, the air thick with unreadable energy, Azriel's eyes met yours. Without a word, he closed the distance and gently pressed his lips to yours, a silent acceptance of the feelings that had lingered in the unspoken spaces between you. The unexpected kiss marked a sweet transition between friendship and the uncharted territory of something more.

——————

For over a year, you and Azriel kept things under wraps, not really calling it a relationship. It was a secret, a kind of unspoken understanding. The stolen moments and shared looks formed the backbone of whatever it was between you. You regularly fell in each other’s beds and spent intimate moments together. There was however one specific night you’d always cherish.

You were in his bed, cuddling after he gave you yet another amazing time. Your legs were h thrown over his hips as you occasionally kissed his plushy lips. He held you tighter and ran his hand under your sweater. His eyes were lidded as he whispered intimately,

“ This sweater looks so fucking good on you, please never take it off. I’ve never given anything to another woman, but there’s something special about you. I love it when you wear it, like a reminder that you’re mine. No one else will wear it.” He pulled you closer and kissed your neck and collarbones. His hot breath made yours hitch as he fondled with your stiffened nipples.

Your attempt to come up with a response faltered as he brushed over another sensitive area, prompting a moan to escape your lips.

————————————

But as time passed, the lack of clarity started to wear on you. The hidden nature of it all was both a source of comfort and frustration. You yearned for more, a real relationship, a label to put on what you had with Azriel.

But with the war and Feyre's sisters entering the scene, everything got complicated. Your attention got scattered, and the chaos made the unspoken thing with Azriel less of a priority for a while.

————————————

After the traumatic and bloody war, you tried to seek Azriel for comfort, but he busied himself with Elain. His focus seemed to be on her, making it hard to find a moment to reconnect. The situation left you feeling unsure about where things stood between you two.

As the days went by, you noticed Elain entering Azriel's world completely, capturing his attention in a way that left you filled with jealousy and pit growing in your stomach. Her presence became a subtle intrusion, and the shared moments that were once exclusively yours now seemed to be scattered between you and her. The laughter and conversations, once intimate, now carried a different tone, a rushed tone to hurry away to Elain. A pang of jealousy crept into your heart, and the undefined nature of your connection with Azriel began to feel more fragile. The fear of losing him to someone else tugged at your emotions, leaving you questioning the unspoken relationship you had shared for so long.

You couldn’t even blame him. Elain was a sight for sore eyes, a beautiful girl with an even more beautiful soul. She had only treated you with kindness, giving you thoughtfull Solstice gifts and advice when needed.

You couldn’t justifiably be mad at her.

You’d pick her over you too.

—————————

Maybe you should just face your problems head on and ask him for some advice to break the newfound ice. His grunts were heard as he punched cassians face, getting some blood on his knuckles. Approaching him in the training pit, you hoped he wouldn’t dismiss you. “ Hey, Az, can we talk?”

Looking at you with an unreadable expression, he sharply replied, “Yeah, sure, quick. What's up?”

You tentatively asked, noticing his mood, “ Um, you wanna go for a walk? I haven’t seen you for a while. Also, we’re supposed to meet tonight, are you still up for it?”

He glanced around, eyes searching for an out, “Can it wait? I've got something I need to take care of.”

You felt dismissed as he didn’t even address what you mentioned and used whatever power you had left and asked, “ I just thought-“

"Look, I'll catch up with you later, alright? But yeah, I guess i’ll meet you tonight." After Azriel quickly walked off, you felt a sting from his unintentional rudeness. He had been acting like this for a while now and they way he hurriedly accepted your offer was making you feel like a second choice. But why? You did want to meet him and he did say yes, so why in the mother’s name did this feel so…?

Trying to shake it off, you found a quiet spot to gather your thoughts. Doubts crept in, making you wonder if his abrupt exit meant something more. Left alone with unanswered questions, you thought about having a straightforward talk about where you stand in his life.

“Hey, you okay? What was that about?” Cassian’s tone was so gentle and inviting and it almost made you spill everything right there, but he already had his own issues and problems with Nesta so you didn’t want to burden him further.

"It was nothing. I, uh, I'll see you later, Cas." You hastily departed, your eyes stinging with impending tears.

————————————

He was late. Again. This had happened seceral times before and despite agreeing to see him tonight, his prolonged absence weighed on you. Feeling a bit pathetic, you rose from your armchair and slipped under the covers, opting for a deep, dreamless sleep.

————————————

As war flashbacks filled your mind, and a suffocating panic took hold in the middle of the night, leaving you sweating. You threw of your sheets, gasping as you made your way to door. Desperate, you rushed to find Azriel, your heart beating louder than the echoing footsteps in the quiet hallways. You hoped to find comfort, a break from your horrors, as you hurried along.

Turning a corner, the world shattered around you. Azriel and Elain stood in an embrace, lost in a kiss that felt like a thousand daggers piercing your chest. The air in your lungs disappeared , replaced by a crushing weight that threatened to swallow you whole. Time was lost as you grappled with the horrible realization that the sanctuary you sought was crumbling before your eyes.

Your Azriel wasn’t yours anymore.

Your Azriel wasn’t ever truly yours, a taunting voice spewed in your head

Quietly, your broken heart mirrored the shattered moonlight, pain etched into you, stranded in heartbreak's silent hallway where quiet screamed louder than war's echoes.

He had chosen to be with Elain even though he promised you he’d see you.

———————————

Your heart was in your throat as you went downstairs for breakfast. The memory of Azriel shoving his tounge down Elains throat was still so fresh and it made something in you ache.

The dining room buzzed with the voices of friends and family as you dropped into a chair between Feyre and Lucien, saving space for more seats in front of you. Glancing to the right from your plate, you noticed Lucien, as he cut into his eggs. Oddly, you hadn't known he was back, despite being good friends. Ever since he learned about his father, he'd been curious about your old home in the day court, where his father ruled. You two became fast friends, and you promised to take him on an exclusive trip there anytime he wanted.

“ Hey, Lucien. How was your trip and when did you come back, I didn’t hear you enter yesterday.”

Yeah because you probably cried yourself to sleep, maybe that’s why.

He flashed his charming smile, tilting his head with playful eyes. "Missed me, Y/n?" he teased, laughing as you playfully punched his arm. Only he would crack jokes so early in the morning.

Deciding to tease him back, you couldn't resist digging into the details of his trip to the continent. You never got tired of his adventures, loving how he narrated them with grace and humor, making you feel like you were right there with him.

"Yeah, so what if I missed you? I enjoy having you around, Luc. But seriously, spill. Did you take down any monsters? Save any damsels in distress?"

Lucien chuckled, leaning in with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Well, I did fight off a swarm of overeager pigeons. Does that count as saving the day or just a triumph against feathery creatures?" he quipped, his laughter infectious.

You howled at the thought of a flock of birds surrounding your friend, pecking at him while he irritatingly tries to remove them.

The room fell silent as Azriel walked in with Elain, and your laughter faded.

A mix of hot and cold flashes hit you as you saw Elain wearing your sweater.

The sweater Azriel gave you a year ago—the one that meant a lot to you.

The one you had grown to love and was a reminder of what could be.

The one that cemented your feelings for him.

He gave it to Elain.

The one he was kissing last night.

The one he swapped you with and then got irritated when you tried to approach him.

The one who was mated to the seething male next to you.

The weight of everyone's stares bore down on you as Elain and Azriel took their seats in front of you and Lucien. Feyre and Cassian's eyes felt like lasers on the side of your head as you couldn't look away from your sweater now worn by Elain. Confusion gnawed at you – you'd tossed it into the laundry basket, yet there she was, flaunting it. The fact that Azriel didn't seem to care only added to the bewilderment, even when he knew what it meant to you. Irritation sparked in you as you got ready to chew him out, because who the hell wears something that doesn’t belong to them. And maybe Elain didn’t know but Azriel sure as hell did and you had enough of whatever bullshit this was. But before you were able to speak up, Feyre beat you to it.

“Elain, where did you get that sweater? I’m pretty sure it’s y/n’s.” Everyone looked back at Elain as red colored her cheeks, she meekly looked at you as she sputtered her explanation.

“ I hope it’s okay y/n, I didn’t know it was yours. I was in the laundry room with Azriel and I got… Well I, I um, got dirty, so he handed me this shirt and told me it was okay but I should’ve asked. Do you want it back?”

Numbness was all you could describe what you felt like. There was no way to miss the insinuation. They fucked and he gave her your sweater to wear after. And she didn’t even know it was yours, so you didn’t blame her. You found a new level of respect for Lucien, because you weren’t even mated to Azriel and you felt all this pain. You couldn’t even begin to imagine how he felt.

Not having the energy for this you gave her a sweet smile and said something that made Azriel’s eyes stay on you the rest of the meal.

“No worries, Elain. The shirt means nothing to me. Keep it. It looks better on you than it ever did on me, anyway.”

You casually picked up your fork, trying to eat away the tension that lingered in the air. Throughout the meal, Lucien remained tense next to you, his mate leaning against the shadowsinger, his arm around her. The gesture practically shouting that he didn't care about Elain's mate sitting across from him, much to Rhysand's dismay.

"Lucien, I'm full. Do you want to accompany me to town? There are a few things I need to get, and I could use some help carrying them." You extended your hand, and he took it, ever the gentleman, placing it so you held onto his arm with a smile.

————————————

Reaching the pathway to the town square, the open nature felt like a breath of fresh air. Despite you and Lucien being able to winnow, a walk through the cold December morning seemed necessary to clear your head. Glancing at Lucien, you sensed a shared need for clarity. Unable to contain it any longer, you decided to spill everything, the weight of unspoken words demanding release.

“I’ll be honest, I suspected something along those lines. I mean you weren’t being subtle about it. But the sweater threw me off.”

“Oh, I suppose our subtlety is not relevant anymore. Lucien, I just want you to know how much I appreciate you and hold you in high regard. Feel free to share anything; I'm here to listen. I can't even fathom how hard it must be when you're mated.”

His sad laughter echoed, tugging at your heartstrings, confirming that it wasn't an easy situation. As he opened up, every word he shared made perfect sense, resonating with what you were feeling.

After wandering around The Rainbow, sipping hot chocolates, and sharing your thoughts, you headed home. However, upon your return to The House, you were greeted by a pacing and visibly upset Azriel. Furrowing your eyebrows, you looked at Lucien who looked just as confused as you. Azriels pacing came to a halt as he quickly made his way over to you.

“ Where have you been? I looked for you everywhere. Why where you out with him?” Hot fury coarsed through your veins as you snapped at his tone. Just who the hell did he think he was?

“Where I am and who I'm with isn't your concern. Now excuse me, I'm going to my room. Lucien, I'll see you around. Thank you for your help.” You stood on your toes, giving Lucien a kiss on the cheek, and then briskly walked to your room, leaving Azriel with his thoughts. Though he certainly didn’t think very long as his footsteps inched closer behind you.

Azriel stood before you with a tense expression. “Why were you with Lucien?” he demanded, his eyes searching for answers.

As much as you missed him and ached for him, there wasn’t a single planet where you’d let him disrespect you and then demand answers like some jealous boyfriend. Anger took over as you stood tall and laid everything for him.

“Listen, I don’t know what you think you’re doing but you can’t talk to me like that. Lucien is a good male, you should know, your fucking his mate and he hasn’t murdered you yet.”

His face was back to it’s neutral state, the state of the shadowsinger and spymaster of the night court. He stepped closer, jaw tight as he spewed words that made your blood boil.

“I don’t want to see you around Lucien again. I don’t care that you’re friends because it looks like you want to fuck him. You belong to me and I don’t share.”

The possessiveness normally would’ve turned you on as it once did when a male tried to hit on you a few months ago. But this just made you want to punch him clean across his face.

“Azriel, I’m not sure you’re hearing me. I may see whoever I want because you’re not my father or mate or anything. And I’m not a thing, I do not belong to you so I will do whatever pleases me.” You stepped closer, interrupting whatever he was about to say.

“Unless you’re actually disturbed, then you’re capable of understanding that you’ve chosen Elain, you’ve neglected me and have chosen her. I don’t blame you, the heart wants what it wants. But atleast grow a pair and say it to my fucking face. How dare you come to me and demand I stop seeing my friend?”

“ Y/n, let me just-”

“ No, i’m saying what I’m going to say then me and you never have to talk unless it’s absolutely necessary.” The last bit of anger you had, fired up the question you had been asking yourself for a while.

“Why did you give her my sweater when you said you’d never give it to anyone. Why would you ever give her what’s mine? From my laundry basket? Are you truly heartless or just plain stupid? And why do you care about what im doing? You’ve made it clear we’re over.” You swallowed back your tears, determination winning over the burning behind your eyes, no fucking way would you cry in front of him.

His words devoid of any sense of emotion rattled you. He ignored everything you said as he gave his stupid answer.

“First of all, it’s just polyester. You’re acting like a child over a shirt. And you’re my mate, so I think I get some say in who you see.” As if his words triggered something, an obnoxious golden thread snapped itse in your chest. The weight of it heavy with sadness and betrayal.

He looked bored and uninterested as he stared you down. “I’ve always wanted a mated and when you first arrived, the bond snapped into place, hence why I fucked you for over a year. And I almost told you about it but then Elain came along and I realized I love her more than I want a mate. You know, The Mother is cruel, she should’ve just made me and her mates so we could’ve skipped this ugly little moment. Oh well-”

A grunt escapes as he staggered back from your punch. That arrogant, hypocritical piece of shit knew you were his mate, he knew it every single time he bedded you, he knew it when you cried and laughed, he knew it when you told him how much you wanted one.

He knew and he didn’t care.

A whirlwind of emotions hit you as the bond intensified. A headache crept in as you turned away and left in silence, your head filling with questions.

How could you face him without the urge to punch again? Did Elain know all this? Did anyone? How could you stay here without wanting to kill him? And why was your face wet?

You halted, a trembling hand reaching for your face. Tears flowed, and a humorless, empty laugh escaped you. You hurried back to your room, sobs breaking through. Collapsing onto the bed, waves of sadness, heartbreak, and betrayal overwhelmed you.

————————————

You stayed in your room, wallowing in self-pity for the next few days without eating or seeing anyone. The House put several plates of food on the table next to you but you just felt nauseous. Your friends had reached out and tried to talk to you only to be met with your silence, it speaking loud enough for them to understand you didn’t want to see anyone.

A knock made you snap your head up as the person persisted. Irritation sparked in you as the knocks kept up. Letting out a sound of annoyance you got up, letting your legs get adjusted from the days of not using them, before strutting over and throwing the door open only to be met with by Cassian and Feyre.

“ Oh, what are you doing here, I think I’ve made myself very clear. I’m really not inte the mood for this.” You sensed an intervention and there couldn’t possibly be a worse time. They ignored you, much to your dismay, and just stepped in and plopped down on one of the plush sofas that decorated your room.

“ Y/n, we haven’t seen you for almost a week. I’ve accepted you don’t want to see anyone but i’m starting to get really worried. Please know that whatever’s burdening you doesn’t have to weigh on your shoulders alone. We’re here for you and if you don’t want to talk to us then maybe Azriel? I know you like each other and have some connection.” Your stomach dropped when she mentioned his name.

"No, absolutely not Azriel. I never want to see that lying son of a bitch ever." They appeared alarmed and confused since you always spoke highly of him. Feyre and Cassian were the only ones aware of the true nature of your relationship with him. They had supported you, and were the only ones shocked about the sweater Elain wore, knowing its significance to you.

"What do you mean? What did he do?" They rose to give you a hug, noticing your eyes glossing over. Sitting on either side of you, they held you as you poured out the details. In the safety of your friends’ embrace, you told the painful details of Azriel's betrayal. The room echoed with the weight of your emotions as they listened, offering comfort and understanding.

"I feel so stupid. I know he's my mate, but I still feel betrayed. He made it clear we were just sleeping together, but there were so many mixed signals, and I just... I don't know. I have no anger left; I honestly don't care anymore. And I know it's not Elain's fault because she doesn't know we're mates, but I'm afraid I'll hurt her if I see her near Azriel. Gods, I really admire Lucien. I wonder how he's gone this long without breaking down." You shook your head as you looked to them. Their expression was laced with sadness and anger towards the spymaster.

“ I’ll kick his ass today at training, I’m so sorry honey.” Cassian was filled with conflict and anger at his dear friend being put through this. And Feyre didn’t look better as she glared at the door as if Azriel might suddenly appear. They were finally both mated and could imagine the pain of their mate doing something like this.

“ Y/n, do you want to come with me and stay at the River House? Maybe some time away from him will do you good. Lucien is also staying there and he has been down lately too. I’ve talked to him and your situations are very similar. Maybe you should talk to him.” Feyre held your hand, her voice gentle as she gave you a smile when you nodded, accepting the offer.

Cassian walked over to your closet and packed you a bag of clothes while Feyre led you to your vanity and brushed through your hair. She pulled it into one of the simpler styles you usually went for. You went onto the bathroom and took a quick shower. Cassian knocked softly and handed you a change of clothes. You felt an overwhelming gratitude for your friends caring nature as tears welled up in your eyes. They approached with laughter, and it sparked a genuine smile from you. Gods, you loved your friends.

—————————

Azriel flew back to The House after spending the day with Elain and dropping her off outside the River House. Though he loved Elain, she hadn’t reciprocated his feelings and it grated his nerves. He threw away a perfectly good mate. She should be loving him back too. As he entered The House, the unusual silence struck him. Cassian and Nesta’s typical noise was absent, and the absence of any sound from you heightened his worry. Azriel anxiously opened doors and searched every corner, looking for any sign of anyone.

He remembered that it was Sunday, the day of their usual family dinner. He let out a sigh of relief and changed before flying to the estate.

————————————

Your wineglass paused mid-air as Azriel walked in, placing a kiss on Elain's shoulder. She glanced at Lucien, subtly distancing herself. Despite her evident discomfort, Azriel nonchalantly put his arm around her. You felt bad for Elain. Maybe she wasn’t feeling Azriel anymore but didn’t have the heart to tell him.

A snarl ripped you from your thoughts as Lucien stood up looking murderous. Elain looked up at him with a hint of relief as Azriel simply pulled her closer and stared at him, face unreadable.

“Get your arm off her before I kill you.” Luciens voice came out gritted and you instinctively moved away a bit, not daring to get too close to the seething male witnessing his mate feel uncomfortable. Lucien was a levelheaded male and it took a lot for him to get really angry, so anyone with half a brain knew not to tread to closely. Rhysand next to him, stood up aswell, sensing that there probably would be a fight, ready to intervene.

“You’re going to kill me? I’d like to see you try.”

That was definitely the wrong thing to say because Elain frowned and pushed his arm away, making her way over to Lucien, calming him down by grabbing his hand shyly. He still held eye contact with Azriel, slightly smiling as Azriel grew angry.

“Don’t lay your hands on her again. If i ever see you making her uncomfortable, I’ll hang you with your own insides.” Elain looked at him with wide eyes and dragged him further down the table.

“Okay, what the actual fuck? What is going on and why are you looking at y/n like that?” Rhysand’s voice broke whatever trance was going on. Your interest peaked as your eyes slid over to Azriel’s only to find them filled with his usual boredom mixed with anger.

You let out a laugh, not being able to stop as you thought about how ridiculous he was being.

“ Well, let’s see. Azriel is my mate and he kept it hidden from me since the day I met him. Oh, and we fucked around for a year or so before he became a dick and started ignoring me, stopped coming to our planned meetings and I finally understood it was because of Elain. But I don’t blame her, I blame him. Hmm… what else? Right! He knew about us being mated and wished he was mated to her instead, and look how that turned out. The one you left me for doesn’t even want you anymore Azriel, how does that make you feel, mate?”

You bit out the last words with poison as you gave him a half smirk. Elain approached you, as everyone soaked up the information. She held your hands in her shaking ones and looked at you with a pained expression.

“ Y/n, please believe me, I didn’t know you two were seeing each other, let alone were mates. He told me you were just friends and nothing more. Had I known, I wouldn’t have ever been with him. And if i’m honest I thought i wanted to be with him, but I want to get to know my mate.” Before she could ramble on you pulled her into a hug, feeling bad for her. She hadn’t know and still apologized.

“Elain, I assure you, I don't hold any blame towards you. I'm happy you want to get to know Lucien. Trust me, he's genuinely funny and nice when he's not being a sarcastic ass.” Laughter filled the air as you and Elain shared a moment, lightening the mood.

You let her go as she got closer to Lucien. No matter how much you wanted to seek your mate out for comfort, you couldn’t let it happen. You knew there was only one thing left.

“ Azriel, I reject the bond. I don’t know how I can ever be with you after this. Not only did you lie to me, you lied to everyone. I’m never going to trust you completely and I think we need to work on ourselves. But it won’t be with each other.” With that you turned on your heel and left for your room, leaving behind a shattered bond and pleading a mate.

———————————————

Azriel's three-month-long begging for a second chance haunted you, likely triggered by witnessing Elain and Lucien's kiss in the courtyard. While you were happy for them, a lingering sadness stayed you, realizing you would never experience a shared bond. Azriel had robbed you of the beauty of a mating bond, and forgiveness felt out of the question. Suffocated by him, you made your way to Feyre and Rhysand's office, ready to ask the dreaded question that had lingered within you for a while.

“ Come in!” Feyre’s gentle voice probed you to open the door as you slithered in. They both looked at you with caution. After breaking the bond, you had been bedridden for three weeks. The physical and mental toll it took on you was overwhelming and some days you questioned your decision. But then you remembered what led you here and just powered through.

“ Guys, I promise I feel much better, so please no more mother-henning. Especially you Rhys.” Feyre let out an amused giggle as Rhys just narrowed his eyes in mock irritation. The weight of what you had to say hung heavy on your shoulders, but you knew they'd support you. Opting for honesty, you decided to rip off the bandaid.

“ I want to move back to the Day Court. I love it here but I miss my home, my siblings, my parents, my friends. I wasn’t supposed to stay this long and even though I love velaris, I can’t live here so close to… him. Not only that but I’ve been sending letters to Helion and he is very eager to meet Lucien and has asked me to check if he wants to come.” You decided to drop the last bomb, asking them for a huge favor.

“I also wanted to see if you could erase my memories of Azriel. Not everything, just the whole fiasco. I genuinely want to move on, and I feel like I won't be able to if I keep dwelling on it. Believe me, I've tried to avoid him and the situation for the past months, but the thoughts still linger.”

They were silent for a moment, likely speaking to each other through their mind. You met their saddened eyes as they nodded.

“I'm sorry you feel this way, Y/n. I genuinely wanted you to feel at home here, but of course we won't force you to stay. We'll erase the memories, but only if you promise to visit someday. Perhaps even let us come to you? I've heard the Day Court's sun is not to be played with, almost rivaling the Summer Court.” You giggled and nodded at Rhysand's words, tears streaming down your face – a mix of happiness and sadness. Overwhelmed with emotions, you embraced them as they gave you a big hug, one of the last you realized.

————————————

You surveyed your now empty room, memories of passionate moments and heartfelt kisses with Azriel lingering in the air. It felt like a distant past, a different life, a different version of you. Shouldering your bag, you descended the stairs. Rhysand had winnowed all your belongings back to your old quarters in Helion's palace. Lucien and Elain, already packed, awaited you at the breakfast table. It was time to share one last meal as residents of this house.

After announcing the news, Lucien and Elain asked if they could join you, insisting on the top-class tour of the court you had promised him. Delighted, you agreed, more than happy to bring your friends along as you all headed back home.

The table was filled with your friends as you shared one last meal, Azriel's seat empty as he was out on a mission. Unable to face him in fear of lingering emotions, you insisted on leaving while he was away.

Feyre stood at the head of the table, a mix of emotions visible in her eyes. She cleared her throat, capturing everyone's attention.

“Today marks the beginning of a new chapter for Y/n, Lucien, and Elain. Though farewells are always bittersweet, we must embrace change and growth. Y/n, you've been a cherished member of our court and a life-long friend, and while your path diverges, our bonds remain unbroken. Never forget that you will always have a home here.”

She smiled warmly, addressing each one individually, “Lucien, my first and dear fae friend, Elain, my kind older sister, your presence has brought joy to our home. The Day Court awaits, and I have no doubt that your light will shine brightly there.”

She raised her glass, “To new beginnings, may your paths be lit by the stars that connect us all. Safe travels, my friends.”

The room echoed with the clinking of glasses, a heartfelt farewell lingering in the air.

————————————

After tearful goodbyes, Feyre and Rhysand exchanged a glance, understanding the weight of your request. Pulling you aside, Feyre spoke softly, “Are you ready for this?"

You nodded, feeling Rhysand place a gentle hand on your forehead as Feyre held the back of your head. Together, they wove their magic, erasing the memories of Azriel and the pain attached to them. As the magic settled, you blinked, a new easiness in your eyes.

Rhys offered a reassuring smile, “May this bring you peace on your journey, Y/n.” You gave them a final hug, walking back to Lucien and Elain and winnowed back to your home.

—————

TWO YEARS LATER

At Helion's annual grand ball, you moved through the crowd, the vibrant atmosphere alive with laughter and music. You glanced around as you spotted your friends.

Approaching your dear friends, you hugged and greeted all of your friends, updating them about your life as you heared the uptade of theirs. Then, unexpectedly, you found yourself face to face with Azriel. His expression revealed a mix of confusion and curiosity. This was the first time you had met him simce you moved. Your friends told you that he was often gone on long missions, only staying briefly to report to Feyre and Rhysand before heading back out. Unbeknownst to you, your friends had slowly decreased their conversations and meetings with Azriel and he was now more of an employee than a friend. They loved both of you but there was no way to just let him back in as a dear friend after what he did.

“Hi, Azriel. It’s been a while. How’s everything going?”

He nodded, "Indeed. I must admit, I'm surprised to see you here."

You chuckled, “Really? I mean it is my home after all. Why is it shocking?”

Azriel furrowed his brows, "I thought... after everything, you hated me."

Your eyes widened in confusion, “Hate? I don’t know what you mean, Azriel. Why would I hate you? You’re a dear friend of mine.”

Realization dawned in Azriel's eyes, “Your memories...” But before he could continue, Rhysand pulled him away.

Azriel's realization hit him hard. The weight of the moment pressed upon him, and he felt a deep sense of remorse. Seeing you free from the memories, both good and bad, brought a profound ache.

He swallowed hard, the truth settling heavily in his chest. He had caused so much pain that you chose to erase him from your mind. A sickness crept over him, the regret of his actions piercing through as he watched you move through the ball, blissfully unaware of the history you once shared. Surrounded by the festive atmosphere, he felt a deep loss and the haunting echo of an irreversible mistake.

You looked happier and healthier than you had ever been. Deciding to not disturb the peace you created, he simply disappeared into his shadows, seeking out their comfort as he always had.

[goldenempyrean]

"Bless You, Officer"

〚 Notes - Hiiii! First CaitVi fic on this account, woop woop! I've loved Arcane since it first came out so I'm glad to finally write for them :D ignore any spelling/grammar errors I was lazy with the editing :P〛

〚 Pairing - CaitVi 〛

〚 Summary - Caitlyn wakes up sick, but does she rest? Of course not. 〛

〚 Wordcount - 5450 (sheesh)〛

〘 Check Out My Masterlist! 〙

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It had been a cold day in Piltover. They’d seen the first hints of snow on the horizon. Frost clung to frozen grass blades, covering them in an icy, white coat. 

  

Vi rolled over, stretching with a groggy mumble as she slowly roused. Even in their heated bedroom the chill of the early morning didn’t go unnoticed. She shivered and curled tighter beneath the covers. Unconsciously she ended up shuffling closer to her girlfriend beside her, sighing in relief as she felt the heat she was radiating before allowing herself to drift back to sleep. 

  

She woke up a little bit later to an empty bed. The pink haired girl grumbled to herself at the loss of heat before propping herself up onto one elbow as she sat up. The morning light streamed through the frosted window, catching on the deep blue of Caitlyn's uniform. She was in the process of buttoning up her coat. 

  

Vi stretched and scratched the back of her head as she watched Caitlyn getting ready for work, "Mornin', cupcake," She yawned, voice thick with sleep. "You up already?" 

  

“I have a meeting with the enforcers working north division.” The Officer replied before clearing her throat quietly, “You can go back to sleep, I’ll try and be quiet.” 

  

“By ‘meeting’, you mean kicking their asses?” Vi mumbled and she tried to get comfy again. There wasn’t much point trying to head back to sleep now but she could at least get cosy again. 

  

Caitlyn shrugged, “If they did their jobs properly then I wouldn’t have to kick it.” She continued to straighten out her coat but stopped as she felt an uncomfortable itch build at the back of her sinuses.  She scrunched up her nose and rubbed a finger beneath it - when her efforts to stave off the growing irritation failed. It was clear she was going to- 

  

“Hhk’shh!” 

  

The navy haired girl had managed to stifle it into almost silence. If it weren’t for the small exhale of air she let out afterwards then she could’ve probably gone unnoticed. The girl on the bed looked up curiously, a small smile tugging at her face when she could clearly see Cait swipe a knuckle beneath her nose for a quick second before fixing her collar. 

  

“Stop fretting about your appearance Cait’, go kick some Topside ass.” 

  

Caitlyn shot her a pointed look but said nothing as she picked up her hat from the dresser. As she placed it on her head, she paused again, her sharp inhale barely audible. Her nostrils flared, and she pinched them shut with her thumb and forefinger, her breath hitching visibly. 

  

“Hhh...hh’mmksshh!” The sneeze escaped, muffled but not entirely suppressed. Caitlyn sniffled again, shaking her head slightly, as though to shake off the lingering irritation. “Excuse me.” 

  

Vi couldn’t hold back the soft chuckle bubbling up in her throat. “Bless you, cupcake. That’s two now, right? I’d say you’re on a roll.” She swung her legs over the side of the bed, planting her feet on the cold wooden floor. “You getting the sniffles?” 

  

The Officer shook her head, giving a final firm sniff before straightening her posture, “No.” It came out a little shorter than she intended, her voice softened as she slowly came over to Vi, planting a deliberate kiss to her forehead, “I’ll see you after work?” 

  

She knew Vi worried about her when it came to these things - even though she’d never admit it openly. But Caitlyn could read her like a book. The Zaunite just nodded and gave her a groggy smile, “See you later, have a good shift babe.” 

  

Caitlyn nodded, and headed towards the door, making sure to grab her bag as she left. To be completely honest she wasn’t feeling completely herself but that didn’t matter. She just needed to get her head down and get to work and despite everything, the Officer was unable to keep the small smirk off her face when she heard Vi calling out, “You look hot as fuck wearing that by the way!” just before she closed the door and headed out. 

  

*** 

  

Work wasn’t exactly going well. She rubbed at her throat, resisting the urge to wince at the sharp scratching sensation at the back of it. Her voice had cracked and rasped during the meeting with North Squad which was just a poorly disguised disciplinary hearing. How such idiots had made it this far, she truly had no idea, but she wasn’t about to catch any heat from the higher ups for their slacking. 

  

“I don’t ever want to have this discussion again.” She said sternly, glaring each one down with an unamused expression. She tried to hold her stare, but her breath hitched shakily. Shit, not now! Caitlyn pulled a handkerchief from her back pocket and firmly pressed it to her nose, hoping to quell the itch, “One more of this nonsense and I’ll have all your asses thrown back into the academy for mandatory- Hhh- train~hHh'xxgknt!... Hh’tshgnkk!” Cait stifled two sharp teasing sneezes against the fabric. It didn’t give her much relief, but it seemed to quell the itch for now, “Excuse me. As I saying, I will have you all put back in mandatory basic training. Is that clear?” 

  

The North Squad didn’t need any excuse to start slacking even more, and she wasn’t about to let her authority waver because she felt under the weather. The disciplinary meeting concluded with reluctant nods and mumbled affirmations, the enforcers shuffling out under Caitlyn’s withering glare. As the last one left, she allowed herself a moment to slump into the chair at the head of the table, pressing her hands to her temples. 

The nagging tickle in her sinuses wasn’t going away, and the pounding in her head had settled into a dull but persistent throb. She knew she wasn’t at her best today—far from it—but there wasn’t exactly much she could do except push through. She sniffled damply, before giving in and blowing her nose. It didn’t give her much relief, congestion retaking its place within moments. Caitlyn sighed, hunching over her desk and holding her head in her hands until a sharp knock at the door interrupted her moment of reprieve. 

“Officer Kiramman?” It was Officer Grayson, her second-in-command for the day. 

“Yes, what is it?” Caitlyn straightened, though her voice cracked slightly. She cleared her throat quickly, trying to mask it. 

Grayson raised an eyebrow but said nothing about it. “There’s an issue over at the Topside market. A dispute between merchants that’s starting to get physical. Should I handle it?” 

Caitlyn wanted nothing more than to say yes, to let someone else deal with it while she buried herself under the blankets back home. But that wasn’t her style. “No,” She said firmly, rising from her seat. The dizziness that followed made her grip the edge of the desk for support. She quickly steadied herself and grabbed her coat, hoping Grayson hadn’t noticed. 

 “I’ll deal with it.” 

*** 

The scene was chaos. Two merchants stood nose-to-nose, shouting obscenities loud enough to draw a crowd. Their employees and several bystanders were already exchanging heated words, with a few shoves thrown in for good measure. The tension in the air was palpable, threatening to erupt at any moment. 

Caitlyn sighed, pressing a hand briefly to her throbbing temple before stepping into the fray. “Enough!” she barked, her voice hoarse but commanding. The crowd turned toward her, their anger momentarily giving way to apprehension under her stern gaze. 

The effect was immediately the loud scene being reduced to hushed whispers as people looked on in anticipation to see how it would be resolved, “What the hell is going on here?” Both men scrambled to answer, raising their voices again until they were both shouting in her face. She breathed deeply – well as much as she could through her congestion and took a step back, forcing herself to raise her voice to be heard over the men, “Right! That’s enough, the both of you! One at a time. You.” She turned to the older man, her gaze stern and expectant. 

  

“He’s selling on my patch!” He growled, throwing a hand out in a furious swing at the other man, who had quickly dodged out of his reach. “I paid for this spot just for this scoundrel come and steal it!”  

There was a yell of objection from the other side. “He’s lying! He hasn’t got the papers to prove it!” 

It was a useless back and forth with no sign of settling down. Whilst Caitlyn was trying to best to defuse the situation, a sudden drop of rain fell from the dark clouds above - an omen to the downpour that began a mere moment later. 

 The rain pelted hard, quickly soaking through her uniform, goosebumps rippling along her exposed skin. The men were still shouting, only fuelling her pounding headache. She couldn’t take it much longer. 

“That’s it!” She barked, the order tearing from her throat, “Neither of you will be selling here today! You come back tomorrow with your proper paperwork to prove this is your spot and I will not hear another word of this petty nonsense! Do I make myself clear?” 

The men muttered in disapproval, still making snide remarks at each other. The officer took in an infuriated breath, “Is that understood?” She ordered, her tone harsh and serious.   

 Both parties nodded, “Yes Officer.” A defeated voice echoed whilst relief enforcers led them both in opposite directions.  

“Ridiculous behaviour. Acting like children.” Caitlyn muttered to herself as the noise finally died down. A shiver running down across her skin as the clouds above only continued to darken. Such awful weather, she thought to herself and made an effort to get back inside as quickly as she could. 

*** 

Despite the metal plating on her armour, her uniform beneath her was soaked and clinging to her skin uncomfortably. The officer was thanking her lucky stars for the spare set of clothes she kept in her drawer. Whilst it was dry, it did little to warm the cold that had settled deep in her bones, her body still trembling ever so slightly as it tried to regain some of the lost heat. 

Grayson had brought her a coffee not long after, but unfortunately for the officer, she had worked in on her mid-sneeze, an unpleasant sound which couldn’t be excused by mere chance alone, especially given the fact it was followed by at least 3 more. 

“Under the weather?” The older woman asked, already knowing the answer. 

“I’m fine, as you were Officer Grayson.”  

Her aim of dismissing the officer quickly wasn’t going to work. The older woman had watched Caitlyn grow up, she was more than aware of how stubborn the Kiramman could be, “You’re ill. With this weather, it’s quite unlikely of any further incidents today. Would you not consider going home to rest?” 

“I have reports to complete. They need to be signed off today.” Cait sighed, rubbing her temples in a poor attempt to ease the pressure, “It’s just a cold. I can manage.” 

Grayson sighed, she knew when to pick her battles and trying to get a stubborn Kiramman to back down was almost impossible, “Just don’t push yourself too hard, you looked exhausted already.” With that, the Officer left and closed the door behind her, leaving Caitlyn alone in her office. 

Paperwork was never fun. But these reports seemed to be endless, the words swirling against the white pages. No matter how much she strained, her eyes couldn’t seem to focus. At her current speed it took nearly an hour to even make a dent in the pile. 

Leaning back in her chair, Caitlyn pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to suppress the overwhelming desire to just lie down and sleep for a week. She reached for her mug again, only to find it had gone cold. Of course. With a defeated sigh, she stood to refill it. Heading out into the open station to use the coffee machine. The officer had almost been done when a particularly forceful sneeze caught her off guard. 

“Hh’AEESSHHOO” 

It was loud enough to draw attention, and she froze, mortified. Several heads turned her way, concern and curiosity flickering across their faces. 

“Bless you ma’am,” One of the enforcers close to her offered hesitantly. 

Caitlyn muttered a quiet, “Thank you,” before hurrying to her office, her cheeks burning with embarrassment. She swallowed hard, sniffling thickly as she rubbed at her nose with her knuckles. It wasn’t exactly pleasant but what else was she meant to do, let her nose just run down her face? 

Outside the view of prying eyes, Caitlyn sank into her chair with a defeated slump. She picked up her cup and took a sip, grimacing as the liquid ran down her throat. She pushed the cup aside, the strong scent of coffee making her nose run again but at least the warmth was helping a little. 

She hadn’t meant to be there so long. But one thing led to another – somebody had incorrectly filed a report, lost evidence and a minor spat between rookie colleagues. Before long, the hallways had dimmed and quiet settled across the station and Caitlyn found she was the last one still typing away, eyes half-lidded as she struggled to keep herself awake. 

The Officer blinked hard, eyes stinging as she tried to focus on the final paragraph of the incident summary in front of her. The words blurred, her head pounding in time with her pulse. 

She sniffled again, a harsh, congested sound, and fumbled in her drawer for the half-used pack of tissues she knew was in there somewhere. Her fingers brushed the plastic, and she tugged them free with more force than necessary, catching an unrestrained sneeze in the crumpled fabric just in time. 

“hh’TSCHHhhuhh… Huhh-ESSCHhh!” 

She let out an exhausted groan, dragging the tissue across her nose before tossing it in the bin. Her throat felt red and raw. Her body ached – that deep, dragging fatigue clinging to her muscles like lead weights. 

This was ridiculous. 

She shoved her chair back with more irritation than strength and stood, wavering slightly as the world tilted uneasily. Her hand shot out to grip the edge of the desk, steadying herself as a fresh wave of dizziness passed. Maybe Grayson was right. Maybe she should’ve gone home hours ago. 

With her coat thrown haphazardly over one arm and her drink abandoned entirely, Caitlyn trudged down the quiet hallway, her boots dragging slightly against the floor. The cool night air hit her square in the face when she stepped outside, but she didn’t have the energy to groan, simply shivered and pulled her coat tighter around herself. 

By the time Cait reached her apartment, her legs were trembling from the effort of staying upright. She fumbled with her keys, nearly dropping them as she struggled to open the door before finally surrendering to the warmth as she collapsed inside. 

Her keys slipped from her hands and landed on the entryway table with a clatter louder than necessary. She sniffled, dragging a crumpled tissue from her pocket and pressing it to her raw, pink nose with a grimace. 

Vi looked up from the couch where she’d been half-dozing, hoodie sleeves shoved up to her elbows and a bowl of half-eaten noodles in her lap. 

“You’re home late,” She said carefully. 

She wasn’t pleased about her coming home so late – they'd talked about this before, and the Officer had promised to make an effort to come home on time. Caitlyn didn’t respond. She didn’t even glance in Vi’s direction. Just shrugged off her coat in jerky, ungraceful movements and let it fall where it landed. Her usually sharp uniform was rumpled and damp, and she walked like someone running on pure fumes. 

“You okay?” Vi asked, shifting to sit up straighter as her tone softened – assuming it had been a rough day. 

Caitlyn muttered something that might’ve been “fine”, but it was buried behind congestion and a barely-held-together throat. She walked past the couch without stopping, wiping her nose again with a hiss of frustration when the tissue gave out. 

“Yikes Cait, you been out all day sounding like that? When did this come on?” Vi murmured, hopping up from the sofa as she expected her girlfriend to walk right into her open arms. She did not. Caitlyn just continued. She didn’t get a response either. 

“Earth to Caitlyn? Miss Kiramman are you there?” Vi’s teasing was met with silence, an unamused huff coming from the taller woman as she walked past. 

But Caitlyn didn’t stop, her eyes unfocused as she continued down the hallway. Vi’s face morphed into a look of confusion as she reached out to lightly grab her girlfriend’s shoulder. 

“Woah, hey! Where do you think you’re going?” The pink haired woman reached out to hold her shoulder, trying to slow her down long enough to hold a conversation. 

Caitlyn flinched slightly, her jaw tight. And then - 

“Hh’mmphhshh!...HhH..iiihh.Hh-kxxghntt!" She doubled over slightly with the effort of stifling the sneeze, barely catching it in the crook of her arm. 

“I have a headache Vi.” Cait grumbled, pushing past a little rougher than intended. However, she only got a few steps further before her nose made itself known again, forcing her to stifle an unpleasant sound in her elbow, “..Hh’gnxxkt!” 

The pink haired girl sighed, her hands on her hips as she shook her head disapprovingly, “Probably because you’ve been doing that all day.” 

  

The officer spun around, too tired to mask the annoyed expression on her face, “You think?” It came out snappy and short and if Vi didn’t know her any better, hostile, “What an astute observation. Anything else you’d like to diagnose while I’m standing here with a pounding skull?” 

  

Vi’s jaw tightened, caught off guard by the bite in Caitlyn’s voice. “You don’t have to be an ass about it. I’m trying to help.” 

“Well, maybe don’t try so hard,” Caitlyn shot back, her voice breaking mid-sentence, “All I want to just go to fucking bed.” 

Vi gawped whilst her girlfriend simply walked past. She wanted to reply, to get the last word but bit her lip instead. Unwilling to justify her girlfriend’s attitude with a reply. She’d never heard Caitlyn swear like that before. Sure, the occasional “oh shit” would slip through the cracks but usually Caitlyn prided herself on not having a foul mouth. Vi couldn’t care less herself, she swore like a sailor and didn’t think twice but it felt wrong coming from her girlfriend. 

The Zaunite decided to give her a few minutes to cool off. She sat back down and mindlessly scrolled on her phone until she could no longer keep herself still. Creeping to the bedroom, she expected Caitlyn to still be awake, maybe changed into her pyjamas and dozing but still awake. It always took her ages to fall asleep. But Vi opened the door quietly nonetheless however even if she had swung it open and slammed it behind her for good measure, it wouldn’t have woken Caitlyn up. 

She was out cold, still dressed in her uniform as she lay on-top of the bed, skin as pale as the silk sheets, she lay on - the only colour being her red nose and flushed cheeks. 

                             

“What am I going to do with you, silly girl.” Vi murmured to herself as she reached out to feel her temperature, already knowing she was running a fever.  

She shuffled to the bathroom, grabbing a washcloth and running it beneath the cold tap, making sure to wring it out before coming back to her girlfriend’s side and laying it across her forehead, wiping away beads of sweat before letting it rest there. 

 “Sometimes you don’t know when to give in, do you?” Vi sighed, leaning down to press a kiss to Caitlyn’s crimson cheek before pulling a soft blanket over her body. She stirred a little but didn’t wake, “I’ll let you rest for a while cupcake, you need it.”  

**** 

And need it she did. Cait slept for the next few hours, absolutely exhausted from the day. But eventually her body’s need for fuel woke her up - maybe forgetting to eat all day wasn’t such a smart idea. 

Caitlyn moaned sleepily as she rolled over, slowly rousing awake. For a moment she forgot she was sick. That didn’t last long. A rough cough worked its way out of her throat before she’d even had the chance to open her eyes properly. Cait whined groggily as she forced herself to sit up but as she did, a cloth slipped from her forehead. She stared at it in sleepy confusion wondering how it got there before realising there was a very simple explanation. Violet. 

Oh shit. Caitlyn sighed shamefully as she remembered the events preceding her falling asleep. She looked at the empty spot in the bed as remorse and guilt began bubbling up in her stomach. Guilt which only multiplied when she noticed the small gathering of cold medicine sitting on the nightstand beside her followed by the thin blanket which had been covering her body. She didn’t deserve this. Not after the way she’d acted.  

Caitlyn pulled the blanket tighter around herself, her throat raw and her body heavy with fatigue. She ran a hand through her messy hair, suddenly all too aware of how terrible she must look—and how much worse she probably sounded. A sniffle escaped before she could stop it, and she grimaced, not just from the discomfort, but from the memory of the sharp words she’d thrown at Vi earlier. 

She’d barely even given her a chance to speak. Just barked something rude and locked herself in the bedroom, too tired and too sick to manage her feelings properly. And Vi… Vi had just taken it. Quietly. Without pushing back. 

Caitlyn bit her lip and swung her legs over the side of the bed, steadying herself. Guilt clung to her chest worse than the congestion. The soft clink of dishes from the kitchen told her Vi was still out there. She stayed. She had to go apologise, Cait thought to herself. 

Her feet hit the cold floor with a soft thud, and she winced. Slowly, she padded out of the bedroom, quickly pulling on a loose hoodie over her frame, her messy navy hair falling in her eyes. As she emerged into the living space, she caught sight of Vi standing at the kitchen sink, scrubbing something that looked beyond salvaging. The air smelled faintly of burnt something, though to Caitlyn’s clogged nose it registered more as a vague warmth than anything specific. Vi didn’t notice her at first, too focused on scraping away at the blackened bottom of a saucepan. Caitlyn paused in the doorway, swallowing down her nerves before quietly clearing her throat.  

“Vi…” Caitlyn’s voice came out hoarse, more fragile than she intended. 

Vi turned, wiping her hands quickly on a towel before stepping closer. She looked surprised at first, then relieved. “Hey. How’re you feeling?” she asked gently, her eyes scanning Caitlyn’s pale face with quiet concern. 

“I’m sorry for earlier - how I spoke to you. I was just exhausted from work, but that’s no excuse-” Cait began, sniffling as she tried to apologise for her behaviour, “I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. It was a horrible thing to do.” 

  

Vi’s gaze softened as she opened her arms, allowing the navy-haired girl to slide into her hold. She rocked on her heels comfortingly, “Woah, hey, it’s okay. You’ve had a rough day, I get it.” 

  

“No, you didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that. I’m sorry.” Cait muttered, disappointed in herself for how she had acted, sick or not, she never wanted to speak to someone she loved that way. 

“It’s okay, I promise. You’re already forgiven cupcake. Plus you pretty much passed out the second you hit the pillow, I knew you weren’t acting like yourself.” 

Caitlyn nodded but she still didn’t feel great about her. Her eyes cast aside, avoiding Vi’s gaze when she noticed the stack of pots in the sink, soapy suds clinging to them, “Did you cook?”  

  

“I tried, didn’t quite go to plan.” Vi chuckled to herself. Cait attempted to laugh but it came out as a rough, barking cough. Her girlfriend frowned at the sound, looking worried as Vi moved to grab a bottle of water from the fridge, taking the lid off and handing it to her. 

“You really don’t sound well, do you?” Vi murmured sympathetically. 

Caitlyn shrugged, taking a long sip of the cool water before asking, “What were you cooking? 

  

“Burning more like.” The pink-haired girl snorted, casting an unimpressed look at the pan she’d had soaking in the sink , “I tried soup but it looked… crispy.” 

  

The officer looked up with a quirked brow, unsure if she’d heard her girlfriend correctly, “Crispy?” She sniffled tentatively, trying to ignore the way her nose twitched as she rubbed her knuckle against it. 

  

The pink haired girl shrugged, running a hand through her hair, “I dont know! It just- look this is why I don’t cook, I’ve ordered us takeout from that place you like as compensation for probably ruining the pan,” She moved round to stand in-front of Cait, reaching up to set a strewn strand of her navy hair back behind her ear. 

  

Vi had just leaned up on her tiptoe’s, about to plant a soft kiss on her delicate lips. But she caught a brief flicker of discomfort in Caitlyn’s expression. The faint scrunch of her nose. The hitch of her breath just before - “..hHh..Hh’tsschh! …Hhk’mpfssh!” 

  

Despite the build-up it seemed they’d still somewhat took Cait by surprise, as barely managed to stifle them against her wrist as she hunched forwards to avoid sneezing directly on her girlfriend. Caitlyn straightened herself quickly, her cheeks dusted with a deepening blush. “For heaven’s sake - excuse me,” She apologised, somehow more flustered now than before, “Hh..hhih?~” 

  

Her breath hitched noticeably again but she managed to get control of herself before sniffling, not caring to hide the sound anymore. She reached into her hoodie pocket and pulled out a small handkerchief and blew her nose quickly. Her cheeks blushing a deeper pink at the sound. 

  

“You’re okay cupcake.” Vi said, placing a hand on her back as she ran it down her spine in reassuring circles, she looked down at the over-used fabric Caitlyn was clutching, “Sit down, throw that in the laundry. I’ll go get you a fresh one, alright?” 

  

She sighed softly to herself as she headed up to their room, she kicked herself for not pushing harder when she noticed something was up that morning. In their room, Vi knelt down as she opened the drawer of Caitlyn’s bedside dresser. There was a neatly folded pile of handkerchiefs in the corner. Vi never got the appeal of them, but Caitlyn had insisted they were a sign of class, a way to be polite. She picked one up then decided to grab multiple instead, as well as the duvet from their bed before she headed back. 

  

Back in the kitchen, Vi immediately noticed that Caitlyn wasn’t there. She was about to call out to her when a chesty cough from their living room answered her unspoken question. Her gaze softened when she caught sight of the locks of blue hair strewn on the arm of their sofa. 

  

“Hey sweetheart.” Vi’s voice was soft and sympathetic as she cupped her hands gently around her girlfriend’s flushed face, “You’re really not feeling good?” 

  

Caitlyn had her knees tucked up to her chest, sniffling damply as she lay on the sofa. She shook her head and mumbled, “Kitchen was too warm, the heat made me dizzy.” She scrubbed at her nose, trying to rub away the tickle building at the back of her sinuses to little use. 

  

She inhaled sharply, fanning her hand in front of her face, “Huhh’tishiew!…iiih..hh’etshhhoo!” The Kiramman had just been about to clutch her hand to her face to cover the damp sneezes but something else was there. Vi had quickly moved in, clasping a handkerchief as she cupped her hand around Cait’s pink-tipped nose. 

  

“God bless you.” 

  

Caitlyn blushed with embarrassment, “You didn’t have to do that.” She mumbled, her eyes not quite meeting her girlfriends as she took control of the fabric into her own hand. She rubbed at her nose, expression shifting as she eyelashes fluttered as she tried to hold back the seemingly never-ending itch, “Hh.. S'cus- hh excuse..hHhme a sec- iiih'tsSHOO!... HhhEETSHU!...Hhiih..ii’TtsHHUU!- fuck, I still Hh gotta- HHh'iiiTSHHIEW!” The Officer gave a low, congested groan, her shoulders sagging in defeat as she clasped the damp fabric to her face in a feeble attempt at muffling the sound. There would’ve been no use even trying to stifle those. Caitlyn’s shoulders sagged in defeat as she gave a low, congested groan, “That was particularly gross, excuse me. I’m sorry that was-” 

  

Vi cut her off from her rambled apology, squeezing her shoulder supportively, “You have nothing to be sorry for, you can’t help it.” She said, leaning down to press a kiss to the tip of her irritated nose before gently trailing her finger down the straight bridge, “You’ve got an awful cold in this little pink nose of yours. You don’t have to apologise for anything.” She took the duvet and pulled it over her girlfriend, smiling as the other woman wrapped herself in the cosy sheet. 

  

It was just as the Zaunite was debating leaning down to kiss her properly when a ringing from the door had her head whipping up towards the entrance, “Food’s here.” She quickly made her way to the door, accepting the warm takeout bag into her hands and generously tipping the eager delivery boy with a smirk before heading back to the lounge. Caitlyn nodded tiredly, forcing herself to sit up a little straighter, rubbing at her eyes with the ball of her palm as she gave into a small yawn. 

  

“Soup?” She asked hopefully as she looked at the brown bag in Vi’s hands. Her girlfriend nodded as she pulled two containers from the package, handing them to Cait as she came to get cosy beside her, “Which is mine?” Caitlyn asked as she strained her eyes to try and read the small white stickers which labelled the containers. 

  “One’s chicken noodle, one’s Laksa. I thought you’d prefer chicken noodle to something spicy, but you can have whichever you want cupcake.” Vi replied, giving her a moment to choose. 

“I’ll stick with chicken noodle.” The officer decided she handed the other container back to Vi, “Thank you for getting us dinner.” She murmured quietly before opening her soup and taking a delicate sip. 

The food was good. The pair ate in a calm quiet except for the soft sniffles coming from the navy-haired girl every so often. The warm broth felt amazing on her throat. As the last of the soup disappeared from their bowls, Vi reached forward to set the empty containers on the coffee table, careful not to jostle Caitlyn too much where she lay curled against her side. 

The dim light from the nearby lamp cast a warm glow across the room, softening the sharp edges of the evening and lulling the space into a quiet stillness. 

Caitlyn let out a small sigh, nuzzling closer, her cheek brushing against Vi’s shoulder as she shifted under the duvet. Her fingers, cold from the glass of water she’d just sipped from, curled lightly around Vi’s hand where it rested between them. 

“Feeling any better?” Vi asked softly, adjusting the blanket once more around her girlfriend’s shoulders. 

“A little,” Caitlyn mumbled, her voice muffled by the fabric and fatigue. “The soup helped.” 

Vi smiled to herself, pressing a gentle kiss to Caitlyn’s temple. “I’m glad.” 

Caitlyn nodded, her head resting on Vi’s shoulder as she sniffled again. She managed another small sip of water, “I hate being sick.” 

“I know, cupcake. But it’s just a nasty bug - it’ll pass in a few days. You’ve got me to look after you till then, I’ll call the district and tell them you won’t be in work for the next couple days.” 

The Officer hummed softly in reply, her voice heavy with fatigue. Her eyes fluttered shut as Vi rubbed soothing circles along her back. 

 “Vi?” 

“Yeah?” 

“You’re my favourite person.” 

Vi grinned. “Back at you, Officer.” 

  

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[lil-frenchfri77]

Begin Again Chapter 2

Summary: Ever since Bella came back to Forks things between y/n and her boys have been different. Embry and Quil stopped answering phone calls and texts, they’ve even been avoiding her everytime she shows up at their house. So y/n does the only thing she can think to do, she latches onto Jacob just like Bella, and when he starts acting like Embry and Quil did, she makes the decision to not put so much effort into a friendship that is clearly one sided. But what happens one day when Sam’s pack is in town at the same time as y/n and her new friends and two certain boys imprint on their former best friend? And what happens when a former best friend doesn’t feel the same way?

Authors note: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!! I am actually so freaking excited that so many people liked the first chapter. When I posted this I never thought that I would be getting any kind of traction or reads but the 20 people that liked my first chapter are really making me feel good about myself and my writing skills. I don't know how consistent my chapter updating will be I have a really hard time with sticking to things but the enthusiasm i'm feeling after posting for the first time is really making my productivity flow.

Not beta read, lemme know If there are any egregious spelling or grammar errors and I will 100% go back and fix it

Word count: 1.8k

Embry Call x Fem!Swan!Reader x Quil Ateara

Slight Stiles Stlinski x Reader

Chapter 1 | Master list | Chapter 3

For the next two weeks your routine is almost exactly the same. You meet Scott and Stiles by your locker every morning and sit with their friends at lunch. It is such a crazy thing to think that if you had gotten to school any later that day then you would have never met them. And looking back, you can’t imagine not being friends with them now. They were filling the void that Embry and Quil had left in your heart. 

Your life was looking up and you were doing great, even Bella seemed to be doing better. She was hanging out with you and Jacob, and had even started going out with some of the kids from school. You and Stiles were getting closer to each other too. You spent most of your time in class, the ones you shared, talking to him and goofing off. You both had gotten in trouble a few times but that didn't deter you from talking. Like now. 

“Hey, so I was thinking about going into town this weekend, I need to do some clothes shopping and I was wondering, if perhaps, you’re free?” You had been meaning to ask him for the past few days but you had only now just worked up the courage. It was the first time you would be spending any time together outside of school and you were nervous. 

“Oh, uhh. Yeah totally!” His response was almost instant and the way that his cheeks turned a light pink told you that he didn't mean to answer you that fast. “Um, I mean, Yeah. I’m down to go with you.” Stiles blushed even harder and then turned forward to pay attention to what the teacher was saying. 

“Okay, cool. I’ll come pick you up around noon on Saturday?” 

“That’s good.” That was the end of the conversation. It seemed he was too caught up in the fact that you had asked him out to remember to talk to you for the rest of class. 

After school that day Jacob was leaning on your car, waiting for you to come out. He had been doing this a lot lately, waiting for you to get out of school so he could get a ride from you back to the reservation. Which didn’t really make sense to you but you figured if he liked doing this then why change it. 

“You will never guess what I did today.” It was the first thing that came out of your mouth when you got close enough to him. You couldn't wait to tell him about your hang out with Stiles on Saturday. “I asked Stiles on a date and he said yes!” You couldn't contain your excitement.  It was too hard to give him the time to guess what you did so you decided to just tell him. 

“Wow, that's a big step for you.” Jacob smiled, glad to see you happy. He knew that after the last few months you had that you deserved all the happiness you could get. “When are you going? Your sister asked me to go to the movies with her and this Mike guy on Sunday night and I really don't want to have to deal with it all alone.” 

“Well, we’re hanging out Saturday afternoon so I'm totally free to go with you guys on Sunday.” Jacob had had a crush on Bella for as long as you could remember, but you knew that he didn't want to be stuck in an awkward situation with her and some other guy. 

“Sooooo?” Stiles drawled, “what exactly are we looking for? Or what exactly are you looking for?” You two had been out for about 2 hours now and so far all you had found was a puffy green jacket and a pair of fluffy brown socks, which you only bought because they matched Stiles eyes. 

“I don’t know yet. I guess I'll know when I see it.” Your reply was nonchalant but you knew exactly what you were looking for. You just didn't want to let him know before you actually found it. Last week when you and your dad were in town you had seen a book that Stiles had been talking about religiously and with his birthday coming up you thought it would be the perfect gift. 

“Do you want to grab lunch too or do you want to just eat at my house?” you ask him, not seeing the way he turns to look at you with heart eyes. 

“We can go to the diner after you're done shopping.” He suggests. 

“Yea totally.” 

That’s when you heard it, the loud rumble of laughter from a group of boys at the other end of the street. You both looked up to where the noise came from. A slight gasp came from your parted lips as you saw Quil and Embry play fighting with the other boys from Sam’s group. Your face dropped as the two boys seemed to look up in unison and lock eyes with you. 

“Do you know them? They look like they know you.” Stiles asked, looking over at you to see you in some kind of trance staring at them. “Hey, y/n/n? Are you okay?” 

That seemed to snap you out of whatever daze you were stuck in. You looked away from them and back to Stiles before nodding and grabbing his hand to drag him into the nearest building. Which happened to be the bookstore you were looking for in the first place. 

“Sorry about that, they were just some old friends of mine. We don't really talk anymore and I haven’t seen them in some time so it was kind of shocking.” The apology spilled out of your mouth before you could stop it but that make it untrue. It was hard seeing them like that, happy and having fun when they left you feeling the way that they did. But you also couldn't help feeling a sort of resentment at them. 

“Nah it’s alright.” He dismissed taking a look around the bookstore. You had completely forgotten why you were in this store for a second, but when you remembered you had to hurry and spot the book before he could. 

Luckily you were able to find it and discreetly buy it while he looked around the store and grabbed a few things off the shelfs. When he was done checking out you slipped your hand into his, locked fingers, and led him out of the store. 

They had never felt like this before. As they locked eyes with you they saw their future flash before their eyes. You, Embry, Quil, and a happy little family. The euphoria and sense of calm that washed over them as they saw all of this was the most exquisite feeling either of the boys had ever felt. It was like nothing they had ever experienced and they had an inkling that they would never feel it again without you. 

When they watched you grab that boy's hand and run off it was like their entire world came crashing down. Their hearts, now beating in unison, felt like they were cracking. Before they could ever have you, you were gone and with someone else. Embry looked away first, face crumbling under the weight of these newfound emotions. He had never felt anything so fast, and to have it all ripped away from him so suddenly felt like a knife right into his soul. 

Quill was no better. The two boys had always shared everything growing up, they were the closest to each other of all the pack members. So it made sense that they would imprint on the same girl. And of course that girl would be their childhood best friend. The same girl they pinned after for years before turning for the first time and never speaking to her again. It was the hardest thing they ever had to do, and now, because of their actions, they were reaping the consequences. 

The dejection and rejection they were feeling was amplified by each other, every emotion coursing through their veins heightened by what the other was feeling. They wanted to whine and curl up into a ball at your feet and beg you to forgive them for the rest of their lives if that's what it took to make it up to you. 

It seemed as though the other boys around them knew not to say anything. No teasing remarks or mocking jabs were taken at the expense of the boys. All of them could sense that Embry and Quil had just imprinted on you. Everyone saw the way that you ran off like the sight of them would burn you if you looked for too long. 

“Come on, I think it’s time to head back.” it was Sam who spoke up. Always the one to take charge and take the lead in situations where no one knew what to do. But even now, he was struggling to find the right words to say or the right actions to take that could help these boys. He had never heard of an imprintee rejecting their mate. 

“No, but, we should go talk to her.” Embry whined out. Just the thought of leaving you behind after just finding out that he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with you sounded like agony. He would rather never be able to shift again than leave without you. 

“I think it's pretty clear that she doesn’t want to talk to either of you right now. Give it time. Think about how you want to approach her, what you’ll say. Right now is not the time or place for any of this, especially after that reaction.” Sam reasoned. He knew that getting everyone back to the pack house right now was his only option. He couldn't let Quil or Embry do something stupid and impulsive that could put people in danger. 

Everyone could see the way that the two boys hesitated to do what Sam asked. The longing and desire to be with you, so present in their eyes that they were waiting for something to happen. So Sam did the only reasonable thing he could think to do in that moment, and he commanded everyone to head back to the pack house at that instant. 

Begrudgingly Embry and Quil did as they were told and turned around to head back to the house. Looking back every so often, while the shop you had disappeared into was still in sight, to see if they could catch another glimpse of you through the windows or see you leaving. Just as the shop was about to disappear from their view the door gently swung open and you walked out laughing, head thrown back and a hand on your stomach as you full body cackled at whatever the mystery boy you were with voiced. Said boy, who was holding your other hand as he exited the building after you.

It tore their hearts even further in two. So with their tails, real and figurative, tucked between their legs they made their way back. Heads hung low and spirits completely drained.

What had started out as a normal Saturday had officially become one of the worst days of their lives.

[forthebrokenheartedthings]

I’ve had this idea itching around in my skull since I read the book Divine Rivals. I knew I needed to get it out, didn’t know I would be sharing it here, but here you go ❤️ Ignore any errors please, as I’m writing this on my phone. I’ll try and fix it soon.

Part 1: You Find It First

Pairing Steve Rodgers x fem!reader

Steve Rodgers gets all the fluff, always 💕

Summary: You find an old notebook in a used bookstore and write in it one night, just to get the grief out.The next morning, someone writes back—from 1943.His name is Steve, and he doesn’t know how this is happening either.

________________________________________________

The rain comes fast. One second you’re walking home with headphones in, the next you’re soaked, hair plastered to your cheeks, cursing the Brooklyn sky.

You duck into the first open door you see—a bell chimes weakly overhead as you slam it shut behind you. The air is warm and thick with dust. The sign above the door had just said “BOOKS.” Nothing else. Like it was trying to stay hidden.

Inside, the shop feels like it’s been asleep for years. Shelves sag under the weight of forgotten novels. Piles of books lean like exhausted drunks. There’s no music, no clerk in sight—just the muffled drum of rain against the windows and the scent of old paper, binding glue, mildew, and something faintly sweet, like cherry tobacco.

You exhale. Something about the quiet pulls at your chest, a little release valve.

You wander. Touch spines out of habit. Skip the newer shelves and drift toward the back, where the floorboards whine louder. There, half-buried behind a row of thick encyclopedias labeled “World Events: 1900–1950,” something catches your eye.

A notebook.

It’s jammed between two volumes, like someone stuffed it there in a hurry. The cover is soft leather, faded, scuffed at the edges. The corners are curled, and it’s held closed by a warped elastic band that’s long since lost its stretch. You pull it out and it resists, like the shelf doesn’t want to let go.

You flip it open.

Most of the pages are blank. But here and there—tucked like secrets—are short entries. Dated. Some in pencil, others in black ink faded to sepia. The handwriting is neat, careful, almost old-fashioned. It doesn’t read like a diary. More like fragments. Half-thoughts. Sentences that end too early.

“Feb 14, 1943 — Rained again. Dripped through the roof, soaked the charcoal. Drew anyway.”

“March 3, 1943 — Bucky laughed so hard he spit coffee. Haven’t seen him smile like that in weeks.”

“April 1 — Pretended I didn’t hear the recruiter. Couldn’t take the look on Ma’s face.”

Your fingers pause on that last one. The paper is soft, slightly brittle. You run your thumb over the indent of the penstroke, and for a second, you imagine the hand that wrote it. The kind of hand that presses too hard.

You glance around the shop. Still empty.

You don’t know why—maybe it’s the way the rain sounds, or the ache that’s been lodged in your ribs all week—but you close the notebook and take it to the register. There’s a chipped brass bell there. You tap it once. No answer.

Eventually, you leave five dollars and a note that just says “Found this. Taking it. Hope that’s okay.”

Outside, the rain has slowed to a drizzle. You hold the notebook to your chest as you walk home, water dripping off your hair, your coat, your lashes.

You don’t know it yet—but someone’s waiting on the other end of that page.

—————————————————————————-

Your apartment is exactly the way you left it—too quiet, too cold, and somehow still smelling faintly like the takeout you abandoned on Tuesday.

You drop your keys, hang up your coat, and toss the notebook onto the cluttered table by the window, the one already littered with unread mail, half-melted candles, and three unread books you swear you’ll finish one day. The notebook lands with a soft thud, leather against wood, and you don’t look at it again for hours.

You make tea. You scroll. You try to write and end up deleting everything.

Around midnight, the silence starts to hum in that way it always does—low and heavy, pressing against your chest like a weight you forgot you were carrying. You lie in bed with the lights off, staring at the ceiling fan that hasn’t spun in weeks. Your fingers twitch.

You try not to think about your brother.

But you do. You always do.

The notebook is still on the table. You get up like you’re sleepwalking, barefoot on cold tile, and pick it up without turning on the light.

You sit cross-legged on your couch, notebook open in your lap, pen poised. You’re not even sure why. Maybe it’s the rain. Maybe it’s the way his handwriting felt—careful. Like someone who didn’t get a lot of space to say what he needed to.

You flip past the older entries, past Bucky and the charcoal sketches and the missed call from the recruiter, until you hit a blank page. Then, almost absently, you start to write.

I don’t really know why I’m doing this.

You’re probably just someone’s weird VR game or something—congrats on the immersive design, I guess. But I couldn’t sleep tonight. I haven’t been able to sleep since he died.

My brother.

He was kind. And stupid. And stubborn. And he laughed with his whole body.

They said it was random. That’s the word they used. “Wrong place, wrong time.”

That doesn’t mean anything. It’s a phrase people use when they don’t know how to say “sorry we couldn’t stop it.”

I don’t talk about this out loud. Not anymore. Everyone got tired of the story. Of the grief.

But you’re a notebook. You don’t get to leave.

You stop there. Stare at the page for a long time.

You don’t sign it. You don’t read it again.

You just close the book slowly and leave it on the nightstand.

Then you curl into your pillow and pretend that felt like nothing at all.

—————————————————————————-

The kettle shrieks from the stove just as you open the notebook again. You don’t know why you’re reaching for it. Maybe you wanted to reread what you wrote last night, see if it felt stupid in the light of day.

But it’s not your handwriting that catches your eye.

Beneath your last line—beneath “You don’t get to leave”—there’s more.

A different ink color. Darker. Smoother. Tighter strokes. Clean lines with a slight rightward lean. The kind of handwriting they don’t teach anymore.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I’ve never known what to say to someone who’s grieving. Seems like everything that comes out sounds like it was written by someone who’s never been close to it.

But I read your words. Every one of them. And for what it’s worth, you don’t sound crazy.

You sound like someone who cared very deeply.

I’ve never lost a brother. But my best friend, Bucky—he’s like that for me.

I’m not sure what this is, or how it’s happening.

But I’m here.

Sincerely,

Steve

Brooklyn, NY

March 27, 1943

Your breath catches.

You close the notebook like it might catch fire.

You stare at the cover, then flip it open again—maybe you imagined it. Maybe your pen bled through. Maybe you were writing in your sleep. Your brain scrambles for a rational explanation. Any of them. All of them.

But the words are still there. Still not yours.

You put the notebook down like it’s alive.

This has to be a joke. Some kind of creepy interactive story. An AI bot. Or a particularly well-read troll with way too much time on their hands.

You check the spine for a QR code. You flip through the pages for a serial number, a branding stamp, anything. But there’s nothing. No title page. No back cover sticker. Just empty paper and the faint smell of something burned.

You put the notebook under your bed.

You don’t touch it again for three days.

—————————————————————————

It’s not that you mean to keep thinking about the notebook.

It’s just that the words won’t leave you alone.

Three days later, it’s still sitting exactly where you shoved it—wedged between a pair of boots you don’t wear and a box of candles that melted last summer. Every time you pass the room, you feel it. Like it’s watching. Or listening. Or worse—waiting.

You tell yourself it’s just a story. A little rush of magic you accidentally stepped into. Something a lonely brain cooked up to keep itself company.

But on the fourth night, you cave.

You fish it out just before midnight, your laptop already glowing. You scan Steve’s message again—March 27, 1943. The mention of ration stamps. Bucky. A speech Roosevelt supposedly gave “yesterday.”

You Google it.

And there it is. March 26, 1943—FDR gave a fireside chat urging Americans to support the war effort by buying more war bonds. The quote Steve referenced—“This is not a war of conquest. It is a war of liberation”—was real. Word for word.

You search Bucky Barnes. Then your stomach twists.

There is a James Buchanan Barnes listed in multiple historical war databases. 107th Infantry Regiment. Brooklyn. Presumed KIA in 1945. You click deeper. His records link to a man named… Steven G. Rogers.

Born 1918. Died 1945. Also presumed KIA.

You sit back. Blink at the screen. Your skin feels too tight.

You grab the notebook, flip to a blank page, and grab your pen with a muttered, “Okay, asshole. Let’s play.”

You write:

Sure, “Steve from 1943.”

Tell me who won the World Series that year.

Tell me what brand of toothpaste you use.

Tell me something only someone from 1943 would know.

Tell me you’re not just messing with me.

You hesitate before signing it, then just scribble:

–Y/N

Then you close the notebook and slide it beneath your pillow.

You leave your laptop open all night.

————————————————————————-

You wake up already annoyed with yourself.

The first thing your eyes land on is the corner of the notebook sticking out from under your pillow, like a dog waiting to be let back in. You tell yourself you’re not going to check it. You make coffee. You brush your teeth. You stare at your phone for half an hour. You even open a work email.

And then—of course—you do.

You flip open the notebook, expecting maybe one line, maybe a “Nice try.” But there are paragraphs. Full ones. Written in that same deliberate, careful hand.

Well, you don’t pull punches, I’ll give you that.

I don’t know how to explain this. I really don’t.

I tried to convince myself I’d dreamed you. That maybe I’d fallen asleep with the book open and wrote something weird in my sleep. But here you are again, writing back. Unless I’m dead and this is hell.

As for the World Series: 1943, Yankees beat the Cardinals in five games. Keller was MVP.

I use Colgate. The old kind, in the metal tube. Hurts like hell if you press it too hard.

And… a war bonds poster went up on my block yesterday. Big red letters. There’s a woman on it, holding a child with one hand and a rifle with the other. I stood there staring at it for five minutes. Felt like it was yelling at me, like I wasn’t doing enough.

My friend Bucky would’ve made a joke about it. Said the woman looked like his aunt Sheila, who once hit a burglar with a broom.

I didn’t laugh.

I keep drawing, but my charcoal’s down to stubs. It smudges everything. I think it’s because the roof leaked again, and the paper smells like smoke. Everything does.

I don’t know what this is.

But I don’t want it to stop.

You stare at the ink. It’s not even dry. It shines faintly when you tilt the page toward the window. The scent rises up faintly from the paper—burned wood, old paper, something sweet underneath like pine sap.

Not a single one of your sarcastic explanations makes sense anymore.

You don’t remember moving, but somehow you’re holding a pen.

You press it to the paper.



Okay. Let’s say—for the sake of my sanity—that this is real.

Then I guess I should start by saying…

Hi.

You don’t sign it this time either.

But your fingers linger on the edge of the page before you close it.

The notebook feels warmer now.

[ramp-it-up]

ii Most Wanted Part 9: Shotgun Rider

Pairing: Syverson x OFC Reader "Buttercup"

Summary: Jealousy, wedding plans, & a little smut, too. 😉

Warnings: 18+ Only, Minors DNI. RPF. S MUT, ANGST, FLUFF. Jealous, sexy Sy, Angst, Sex in committed relationship. Oral sex, female receiving, sex partially-clothed, gagging, semi-public sex? Dirty talk, cream kink, size kink, raw p in v, command kink, Sy in the workplace, fluffy Sy, future plans, airport goodbye.

Read at your own risk.  Not Beta’d. All errors my own.

A/N:  This is the ninth installment of II Most Wanted. I'm in love with these two; they are bringing my writer heart back to life. If you like it, please reblog and comment.

I don't have a taglist. Please follow @rampitupandread and turn on notifications to learn when I post! 😘

I Do NOT Consent to my work being reposted, translated or presented on any other blog or site other than by myself.

Previous part here

-------------

Sy walked up close behind you and pressed the steel bar in his pants into your expensively clothed backside.

“Me too, Buttercup. And I’ll tell you what else is a sure thing.”

“Jake Syverson…”

You pressed back onto him as his hands came up to grip your hips tightly through your skirt as you turned your head to meet his lips over your shoulder.

You’d lost count of how many times you’d had each other over the weekend, but damn, it felt like you needed him like the first time.

“You gonna fuck me over your desk?”

You bent slightly at the waist while Sy bounced you against his khakis, watching your rear as his cock swelled. He shook his head to try and clear the cloud of lust, but it wasn’t working. Something was making it stronger this morning.

“Trust me, Buttercup, the way that ass looks in that skirt, don’t think I haven't thought of it since you walked onto my site. And everyone else on the job, too.”

The way he said it caused you to turn around in his arms and look into his eyes. You’d never seen that look before: possessive, with dark clouds in his eyes. 

It was hot.

“Sy… are you… are you jealous?”

He licked his lips and slid his hands around to cup your ass again. The side smile that was added to his proprietary look only made him more appealing.

You continued on your quest to understand his mood.

“It’s not okay, but men and women on a construction site work hard, and some off-color jokes are gonna fly. I didn’t hear anything that was offensive, though.”

Sy cringed when he thought of what almost came out of Billy’s mouth. And who the hell knew what Cole and Joe were gossiping about. But one look at Mike Ackerman’s face, and he knew exactly what he was thinking.

And he wanted to kill him. He’d had no such urges since Afghanistan. He took in your face, those eyes, those lips. The thought that Mike Ackerman would have the nerve to think– He shook his head and looked down.

“What are you thinking, Sy? Remember you said you’d be straight with me.”

Sy sighed as he looked into your eyes. Fuck, he was going to have to talk.

“Most of those knuckleheads have some manners. But Ackerman can be a grade- A piece of work. You didn’t see the way he looked at you. And the look he gave me. Made me wanna- ”

Sy’s glare turned darker, his scowl making you want to ride his face. But then you noticed his fist was off of your ass and clenched at his side.

“You’ll do no such thing. Fix that face, Sy.”

You moved his hand back to your butt and put your arms around his neck while pressing yourself close to him and giving him a long kiss. He’d moaned twice before you were done. After kissing his attitude away, you set about tenderly wiping your lipstick from his mouth with your thumb. 

Sy shook his head at you as he drew you even closer.

“You don’t understand men, Buttercup.”

You raised your eyebrow at him. 

“Oh? Educate me then. Before my interview, you said Ackerman was a good guy. The first thing I told him today was that we are going to get married and he congratulated us. Twice. Once in my interview and once at the worksite. What am I missing here?”

Another puff of air escaped Sy’s mouth.

“Just a couple a’ things, Buttercup. One, you are fine as hell, he’d have to be blind and made of stone not to notice that. And two,” Sy’s eyes wandered away from yours to focus at a spot above your head.

“...There’s been this… competition between us since we were kids. He loves to rattle my cage.”

You thought it was hilarious that Sy was this wound up. You smiled, but quickly stowed it away when you saw his face. All you could say was, “Okayyy.”

“I know you think it’s stupid, but you didn’t come to town until senior year. Mike was a grade ahead of us, already playing at State when you arrived. Even though he was older, we were always in competition. Football, baseball… girls…”

The lightbulb came on in your mind.

“Ohhhhh I get it now. And I remember you saying something about Becca dating an older guy before she dated you.”

Sy huffed and tried to pull you close again, because you were trying to get out of his grip. 

“That's not what this is about. There were other girls as well. People said we looked alike–”

You laughed at the thought. 

“I don’t see it.” 

Sy rolled his eyes. 

“Me neither. But it became a game to us. It started as a bet my freshman year with Angie Cozart, and–”

“I do not want to hear about the bonehead things Baby Pimp Sy did before I met you. The things you did after I met you take up enough space in my brain.”

Sy winced.

“You’re right. Buttercup. This is dumb.”

You shook your head.

“I’m not saying that what you are feeling is dumb, I’m not dismissing it, but I don’t care whether or not Mike Ackerman still thinks you and he are competing for whatever. I am not a sports ball or a chess piece. I am the future Mrs. Buttercup Syverson, and I’m not playing any games about that. Got it?”

Sy grinned at you, bringing the sun back out. Damn, he loved how you kept him in line.

“Buttercup Syverson? The preacher gonna say that at the wedding? That gonna be on the license?”

The grin stayed on his face as he teased you. You reminded him that he was deliriously happy.

You giggled. 

“Sure. Why not? I’m grown. I can be called what I want.”

You took his face in your hands.

“As long as you call me ‘yours,’ I’m good.”

And you kissed him again, causing him to wrap his huge hands around your waist and lift you onto his desk. You two kissed for a good long while, his hands roaming all over your body, seeming to take catalog of everything that was his. Your heart dropped to the floor when you realized you’d be leaving him soon.

“Sy…gonna miss you… miss this…”

“Me too, Buttercup. This weekend has been everything. I can’t wait until you come back for good.”

For some reason, your heart skipped a beat with anxiety. What had you done? You really said yes to him.

As if reading your mind, Sy pulled back and looked into your eyes, silently questioning you.

“You having second thoughts?”

He was so damn sweet, and the look on his face snapped you out of your head. You answered with your heart. And your soul.

You raised your hand to run your fingers over his lips.

“No, Captain. My brain is trying to lie to me, but deep down, I don’t want to waste anymore time. I’m coming back. Let’s get married, Sy.”

His heart did a triple flip of joy as he took in the sincere smile on your face. 

“I promise you, Buttercup. Everything is going to be okay. You and me were meant to be.”

“Damn straight. I’m your shotgun rider.” 

You put your arms around Sy’s shoulders and chucked your chin up, daring him to contradict you; there was no way that he would.

“Absolutely right. It’s why I brought Betty out of storage this weekend. My shotgun rider forever.”

And he kissed you again.

“You make me so very happy, Buttercup. I swear I’m gonna take care of you for the rest of my life.”

His hands started to roam again.

“Sy…”

“Gonna show you the best way I know how. Don’t have much time, but, want to, need to see you cum for me again before you leave. Wanna make you feel a way…”

His gravelly voice got you good and wet for him as his fingers traveled down your thighs in your skirt. The way your breath caught in your throat and your heart rate increased was heady.

“No one else ever has made me feel the way that you do, Sy.”

Sy was nuzzling your neck now.

“And I’m gonna make sure no one else will.”

Sy’s hands moved from your waist to your hips and skillfully spun you around so that you were facing the desk again. You looked back and kissed him over your shoulder

“Sy…” 

You were a whimpering, trembling mess as you looked up at him.

“Those fucking eyes, Buttercup.

He pulled away and looked down at your ass, which was now in his hands. He took a deep breath. 

“And the way you say my name.”

He gave you a sexy side smile. 

“Like I said. Been thinking ‘bout this all mornin’.” 

He kissed your lips, licking though to your tongue and doing a quick dance as he held you against his crotch.

“Gotta have you one last time, but you gotta be quiet.”

You licked your lips and nodded, giggling as he dropped to his knees.

Sy grinned up at you as his hands went down to your ankles and started sliding up your thighs, shaking his head and lickng his lips.

“Skin so smooth. Wanna memorize how it feels. You’re so damn pretty…so fuckin’ soft….,” he’d reached the apex of your thighs, having bunched up the knee-length skirt around your bottom.

The next thing he said sounded gruff.

“So wet in all the right places.”

“S-s-Syyyyyy.”

You were nervous, trying to see out the small window to see if anyone was coming, but also kind of turned on that you might get caught. Sy was only focused on one thing: your sodden center that he was spreading your lace covered cheeks to see. The black flowers were glistening over your wet folds, and he just had to verify that it wasn’t a mirage.

Soon, Sy’s nose and mouth were at the split of you, nose inhaling your scent, and tongue testing and adding to the dampness of your panties. You reached back and grabbed his hair, not caring that you were messing it up, and keened his name. 

“Love it when you say my name like that, Buttercup.”

Sy pulled back and his fingers deftly moved your underwear to the side, entering your tight heat. You ran your fingers through his hair as his eyes rolled back into his head and he licked his lips again. He looked up and asked a question.

“How many times have I had you in the last three days? And I’m still about to bust a nut in my pants like I’m a teenager. Need you like air, Buttercup.”

“Oh Syyyyyyy!” 

You keened again as two of his fingers pumped and in and out of you steadily and you couldn’t help but watch as he leaned forward, tongue out and an obscene smile on his lips as he licked a solid stripe up the center of you before attaching his lips to your clit.

You turned around to flatten your palms against the desk blotter, trying to ground yourself from this feeling as whispered groans and profanity leave your mouth.

Sy sucked and licked at you like a man determined. He was so good at this, and you told him so over your shoulder. He pulled back and spoke, glancing at your pussy again and licking his lips, but then stared into your eyes longingly.

“Only because I wanna be the one to make you feel good, Buttercup. Makes me horny. ‘S so damn hot when you…”

And he curled his fingers as he leaned forward to lick and suck at you again. You raised up on your tip toes as you felt the oh so familiar knot form in your belly.

“Cum for me. Please?”

How could someone command you yet beg at the same time? You flew apart in his hands and on his tongue, but he didn’t stop, Sy just kept lapping at you as you careened into another mind-blowing orgasm.

“Holy fuck, Buttercup. Just wanted your taste in my mouth as I put you on the plane. But now, gotta have this cream on my cock as well.”

You almost cried at the beautiful profanity Sy was uttering in your ear as he stood up and pinned you against the desk with his chest as he undid his belt and pants. You got impossibly wetter at the sound of it. 

His hands went to your panties again and ripped them at the crotch seam, balling them up and stuffing them into your mouth.

“Taste yourself and be quiet as I fuck the hell outta you, Buttercup. My cock is aching for you, baby.

“Ohyyyygahhhhhhh!”

Your eyes rolled back as you felt his knees bend and his knuckles against the flesh of your ass as he held his stiff dick against the entrance to your cunt. You gasped against the lace as he entered you in one hot, fluid movement and started fucking you relentlessly. One hand went to press devilish circles around your clit.

“Could spend all day like this, but we need to be fast.”

And you were quickly on your way to heaven. Sy was making sure of that.

You didn’t realize that you were screaming through the fabric until Sy’s hand clamped around your mouth, and the smell of your fluid on your fingers, combined with how rough he was fucking you, caused you to clamp down on his cock.

Sy hissed your given name into your ear and you started convulsing as his hips stuttered and he stopped, huffing into your ear as he tried to hold back, mouth open and latched onto your neck. You grabbed his hair and pulled, and he bit into your neck and tried to muffle the roar emanating from him as his cum sprayed into you: hot, forceful, and so voluminous that it almost immediately dripped out of you. 

He pulsed into you for what seemed like forever. He pulled the panties out of your mouth and laved the bite on your skin as he cooed in your ear.

“Gotdam, love you, Buttercup.”

He stepped back to pull up his pants and pocket your panties as you leaned forward against the desk. 

“Stay right there…”

You heard Sy walking away, and you turned your head to discover there was a small bathroom in the trailer. You dropped your head to the desk as you noticed that the room smelled like sex. You smiled at the fact that you two were doing it like rabbits. Anywhere and everywhere.

“Love you too, Sy. So much.”

You let Sy clean you up as you thought of the rest of the afternoon.

When you had straightened up and arranged your clothes, you gave him a kiss. 

“Gonna miss you.”

He pulled you close and gave you a hug as you sighed into his chest. You looked at the clock on the wall. Your flight left at 3:45, you needed to be at the airport by 2 pm at the latest.

“Almost noon. Need to swing by your place-”

“Our place,” Sy’s eyes were shining. You grinned.

“And get my bags, also need a quick shower. Thanks to you.”

Sy smiled at you.

“Alone.”

Sy pouted, and you laughed at him.

“We also need to get you something to eat before you get on that plane.”

You agreed.

“At the finest dining establishment.”

“You read my mind, Buttercup.”

—-

Ackerman called and offered you the job, great salary, benefits, and even a moving package as you and Sy were leaving the work site. You calmly told him you would think about it as you gesticulated excitedly to Sy as he drove.

“Told you it was a done deal, Buttercup,” he said as you disconnected the call. “I could tell by the look on his face today.”

“Don’t you start, Sy.”

You swatted at his shoulder and Sy caught your hand and kissed it.

“He wants me to start in a month, right after the 4th of July. That’s so soon, Sy.”

Sy was thinking it was not soon enough to have you back with him permanently, but he swallowed that thought. He shrugged.

“So tell him you need more time.”

You caught the tone in his voice and turned toward him.

“Well, in four weeks, I could put in my notice at the University, get packed up, find a management company to rent my house…”

Sy raised his eyebrow at that.

“I’m keeping my house Sy. Went through hell to get it after moving across the country from Scott. And the housing market in Cali is crazy. I could make a lot of money on the rental,” you replied to him.

“Hhhmph,” grunted Sy. He let it lie. Your spirit is what attracted him to you in the first place.

“But as I was saying Mr. Mighty Grumpy Even Though He Just Got Some Ass Syverson.”

Sy barked out a laugh at your audacity as you continued on your spiel. He pulled into Cardin’s Drive-Thru and pressed the order button.

“As I was saying, I was thinking that I needed another 2-4 weeks so that maybe we could meet up in Vegas in a month and tie the knot, that is, if that’s not too soo-”

Sy grabbed you up and had you in his lap, kissing you as the attendant knocked on your window.

“Give us a minute, please!”

You climbed off his lap and giggled as Sy grinned over at you.

“‘S Not too soon, Buttercup. Hell, we could go to Vegas tomorrow. I’m more than ready.”

You chewed your lip as you considered Sy’s idea. You wanted time to think and get everything settled. 

“I see you Buttercup. I’ll give you some space. But what about this idea? You go back to your house, start getting ready, packing up a little but don’t over do it, and I drive out in about three weeks, right around the 4th, pack you up in one of those containers…”

Sy leered at you as you laughed at him.

“... then leave it for the moving company to pick up while we drive back at a leisurely pace in Betty, go to Vegas, get hitched, and come back to married life and you start in August.”

“Honeymoon on the road? In Betty Bronco?”

Sy looked over at you, worried that it wasn’t enough for you.

“Well, we could–”

You hurled yourself over to him again and started peppering kisses all over his face. 

“It’s perfect! We could do the Hoover Dam, the Grand Canyon, Cadillac Ranch…”

Sy held you back from him as you cheesed. He could tell that your emotion was genuine.

“You’d really want that for our honeymoon?”

“Yes! A small wedding and road trip in Betty is perfect for us, Sy. I’ve done the fancy wedding honeymoon in Paris thing. That shit doesn’t matter. I told you, I just wanna be your shotgun for lifeeee!”

Sy felt himself getting emotional. He was going to give you the world, even if you didn’t ask for it.

“You’re the one that’s perfect, Buttercup. I can’t wait for you to be my Mrs.”

You felt the window rattle against your head as Sy held you in his lap. You were a giggling mess as he gladly ordered your burgers while you were safely ensconced in his grip.

—

An hour later, you were on the road to the airport, your suitcase full of Sy’s shirts, lighter some of your underwear. Your heart was full of bittersweet emotions, so happy that you were soon going to marry the love of your life, but not knowing how you were going to survive without him for the next 24 days.

You shook your head and laughed at yourself.

“What’s so funny, Buttercup?”

Sy looked at you, shining in the afternoon sunlight, showered and ensconced in tank top and leggings, layered with the dress shirt he’d been wearing that morning. God, you were beautiful.

“I’m just thinking how I came into town Ms. Independent and leaving anticipating being Mrs. Syverson.”

He picked up your hand and kissed it.

“Yeah. That is funny. Isn’t it.” 

He grinned at you and turned his attention back to the road. You shook his head as you thought of the balls he had to step to you the way he did just four days earlier. You loved this man.

“Gonna miss your face, Syverson.”

“Well, the next time you see it, you’re just gonna have to sit on it to prove that statement, Buttercup.”

It was your turn to laugh at him.

“I can’t with you.”

Sy gave you a cheeky grin.

“Yes you can. But in all seriousness. I miss you already. It’s gonna be tough, but soon, I’ll be rolling down your road ready to claim my bride.”

“God, you make it sound like we’re in a western and that I’m your mail order wife or something, Sy.”

“Hmmmm. Sounds like a good little fantasy to me. Maybe we’ll roleplay that soon.”

He waggled his eyebrows at you as he pulled into the short term parking lot at the airport. Your heart dropped, but you sucked it up as Sy got your bags out of the car and walked in with you to check them in. You lingered until the last minute you needed to go through security to say goodbye.

Sy held you tight as you started crying, realizing it as your tears started soaking through the polo he’d changed into. He kissed the top of your head as his own eyes started watering.

“You text me when you get to your seat, and text me when you land, and facetime me when you get home. I’ll be tracking your flight…”

Sy’s gruff voice betrayed his smile as you pulled back to fix your face. Good thing you weren’t wearing any makeup. Sy was marveling at how beautiful you looked in pigtails and watery eyes as he gave you one last kiss.

“See you soon, Buttercup. I love you.”

You gulped down a sob and decided to be a big girl.

“See you soon, Sy. I love you too.”

You knew he was watching you as you walked toward security. And you felt his eyes on you as you made your way through, until he couldn’t see any glimpse of you anymore.

——

Next Part Here.

Hope you liked it! Please Reblog if you did! 😊

[ask-icancraft-it]

Ring

(( Wrote this little 'meet-cute' ficlet over the weekend to help me get back into the groove of writing! Please enjoy! Tagging some pals: @bashfulgnome, @shitpost-it-tristan, @sgtcalhouns ))

For the past couple of weeks since she’d moved into her new apartment, Tamora had been surviving on microwaved foods and takeout. Today, however, she felt more put together than she had in some time. And with a spring in her step, she took a trip to the local grocery store and cooked a proper meal. 

Maybe Kohut had been right; that all she needed was a change of scenery. Someplace quaint and quiet to help ease her troubled mind.

Even that morning, she was compelled to dig out her old engagement ring from its box and place it on her finger without too much tearful sentimentality. What was usually a painful reminder strangely brought her comfort, so she wore it all day while running errands and doing chores. 

She’d even kept it on as she scrubbed the dishes and cookware, only to find it missing after letting the soapy water drain from the basin and drying her hands. 

Fuck.

Having been a sergeant in the military, Tamora could string together expletives in an impressive fashion. She yelled them out as she paced the kitchen floor, heart beating rapidly, and face turning red as she reprimanded herself. 

After the anger subsided, panic settled into the pit of her stomach. And in her desperation for a solution, she turned to the fridge. 

On the side panel, a magnet listed numbers to call within the apartment building, including that of the superintendent, whom she had embarrassed herself in front of weeks ago when she first moved in. 

The blonde grimaced as she recalled the moment the bottom of one of her boxes gave out, dumping everything to the floor at the very moment the handyman was walking by. And the way she had snatched the formal portrait of Brad from his hands as he attempted to help her…

Her pride be damned; if there was any way to get the ring back, she had to try. Dialing the number on her phone, she silently pleaded as it rang.

“This is ‘Fix-It’ Felix, how can I help you?” A cheery voice answered.

“Hi,” Tamora breathed, trying to mask the shaking in her voice. “Uhm— this is Tamora in 1102 and I dropped my ring down the sink. Am I fucked?”

Oh God, why did she say it like that?

“You are certainly not,” The gentleman reassured after a brief pause. “It happens all the time and it's likely stuck in the trap.” 

“Okay…” Tamora said after letting out the breath she’d been holding.

“I’m wrapping up a job downstairs. Leave the sink as it is, and I’ll be up in about fifteen to retrieve it for you, is that alright?”

“Y-yes,” she nodded. “Thank you.” 

As soon as she heard knocking, Tamora answered. Felix stood on the other side, blinking, knuckles still raised as the door swung open before him. 

“Hello,” he tipped his hat with a lopsided grin. He read some scribblings off a crumpled sticky note “Miss…Tamora Calhoun, correct?”

“Yes,” she replied, hoping that meant he’d forgotten all about their awkward introduction. Stepping aside, she allowed him entry into her apartment. “It's in the kitchen.”

“Alrighty, let's see here…” Felix placed the bucket he brought on the floor and pulled a flashlight from his tool belt. Shining the beam down the disposal drain, he inspected it before opening the under-sink cabinet. 

Tamora looked on nervously as he nestled himself down into the small space, setting the bucket underneath the piping as he removed the J-bend. And within a matter of moments, her ring was retrieved. Felix held onto it gently as he quickly replaced the pipe piece, and while he ducked out of the cabinet, he wiped it clean with a small cloth.

“Here you are!” The handyman held it up to her as he knelt. Seeing her awkward smile and hesitation, he realized his error and sprung up to his feet.

 “Oh, excuse me, I—” he stammered, trying again. “Here.”

“God, thank you…” Tamora couldn’t help the swell of emotion as she took the jewelry back, clutching it tightly. “You don’t know how much this means to me.”

Felix looked at her, his face etched with sympathy as the blonde wiped away her tears. 

“Sorry,” she continued, pulling herself together. “I’m not usually this openly pathetic.”

“It’s as I said on the phone, these things happen all the time,” the gentleman replied, closing the cabinet doors. “You aren’t the first or last person to call a handyman in a crisis. There’s no need to apologize.”

Tamora nodded, choosing to believe he wasn’t just saying that to make her feel better. 

“Do you need anything else?” She shook her head no. “Alright.”

Felix picked up his bucket, starting to see himself out. 

“Miss Calhoun, I hope you have a wonderful evening—” He smiled, opening the entry door and stepping into the hallway. “And I’m glad I could help you today.”

With the way he said it, Tamora got the indication that the handyman did remember the last time they met. 

“Yeah…” the blonde bowed her head with a sheepish grin. “Listen, about two weeks ago— that wasn’t one of my best days. I didn’t mean to bite your head off.”

“It’s quite alright, I just hope your picture was okay.”

“Oh, yeah, it was fine,” Tamora replied, an image of the portrait's cracked frame nestled in the closet flashing in her mind.

“Good,” Felix smiled. “And if there is ever anything else you need, please don’t hesitate to give me a call.”

“I was certain you were going to tell me to ‘give you a ring,’” The blonde smirked.

The handyman made a face somewhere between surprise and delight, and the two of them laughed. 

“It had crossed my mind, but—” Felix cut himself off with another chuckle. “Well, now I know you can appreciate a corny joke or two.”

Tamora’s smile lingered, and she glanced down at the silver ring at her fingertips. 

“Well, thank you again for this,” she said. 

“Of course,” Felix tipped his hat once more. “Have a good night.”

“Goodnight,” Tamora closed the door softly.

Give you a ring? The blonde hid her face in her hands. So stupid. At least it seemed the handyman had genuinely enjoyed her little quip.

Looking down at her ring, she let out a sigh. “You were always better at making jokes.”

Walking into the bedroom, Tamora placed the ring back safely in its box, opting to leave it open as it sat by her bedside.

[slimybeth69]

Venus in Furs: Part 2

Summary: After saving your life and getting you back to Jackson, things with you and Joel feel different. While navigating this new life, raising a teenager with a man you think you know-- you run into someone unexpected.

WARNINGS: This story contains DARK themes, HIGHLY dubious consent in early chapters. Pregnancy. Pregnancy loss. talks of child abuse. therapy speak. mean!joel, dark!joel, liar!joel. unreliable narration. multiple povs. cheating. mental health- PTSD, PPD. mentions of suicide attempts. highly adult sexual themes.

a/n: I'm not kidding when I say that this shit gets dark. I try and keep this as real as fucking possible. Please be aware of the things you consume and if none of those themes are for you, please think twice about checking this story out. Before you read this, I recommend reading Crybaby and Such Small Hands. You don't have to, but you'll probably be confused.

a/n pt2: No use of y/n. No physical descriptions of the reader. Reader has a pretty extensive background (sorry, it's interesting though), story focuses on Joel and readers relationship, while also following her parental relationship with Ellie.

w/c: ~ 28k~

I did go through his chapter and change some things and fix some stuff. Not all of it though because what's a good slimybeth69 story without some grammatical errors and spelling mistakes and run on sentences.

Joel did fuck a baby into you the next morning.

Neither one of you knew it at the time. But he did it gently and slowly and you really felt the love he had for you when he did it. Slow and gentle thrusts, no force, no jolting movements. His hips were fluid and flush against yours most of the time and you spoke softly into each other's mouths.

You were thankful for Joel for waiting because it was perfect and you were clear headed and not afraid. You didn’t even panic when he was between your legs.

In your weird-not-as-much-blood-as-you-should-have-inside-you, high, fucked up state; your fear of that position had been conquered.

“I love you, Bird.” He whispers into your neck as he finishes inside of you. It’s what you both wanted. Regardless of what Maria said; you cared for him and wanted the same thing he did. You know that in your clear headed state. Even if your leg was aching the whole time. It felt good to feel like a normal person again. It felt good to not have any anxiety. 

“I love you, Joel.” You coo into his ear as he withdraws from you.

Joel kisses you softly before he crawls off the bed completely. Off to the bathroom. This is the new routine now after sex. Sex. Bathroom. Wipes himself down and comes out, dick swinging and then cleans up between your legs.

“You tell me not to stare at it but you just leave it out for me to stare at!” You exclaim when you catch Joel’s eye after looking at it the entire time he walks across the room to his dresser. 

“I like when you look at it. I like givin’ you shit more, though.” Joel says as he tugs on a pair of boxers. 

“I’ve been meaning to tell you to get some less tight jeans, Jesus Christ, that thing is visible all the time! Everyone can see it! ” You point to his groin as he zips his jeans up. He looks down and adjusts it but does nothing to hide it. “See!” 

“I’m not going to find less tight jeans. Let’s all the ladies know what you’re—” Joel snickers but you stop him.

“That’s exactly what I don’t want! Other women lookin’ at it! Get a fuckin apron or a tool belt or something to cover that thing up.” You point at his groin with your open hand.

“Stop talkin’ about it. He’s gettin’ all excited again from your attention! “C’mon, we gotta get ready for worship.” Joel is now buttoning up his nice flannel shirt. 

“Okay! I’ll stop. I have to shower.” You start to stand up but Joel stops you, hands around your waist, pulling you back to him. 

“Keep me in you. Wear me to worship… worship my come. Shower when you get home, baby girl.” Joel kisses the side of your face softly and smacks your ass. 

“You’re a freak.” You look at him with fondness in your heart because so are you. 

"You... uh still want me to... I dunno... want me t'spit in your mouth 'n choke you, letchya spank--"

“Are you trying to prove something? Because all you're doing is proving my point..." You smirk at him.

"Yet here y'are."

Ellie and you walk hand in hand in front of Joel into the House of Worship. You have never been very religious but Joel told you to just give it a chance. So you do. It’s actually nice. No God talks at all. It’s a House of Worshiping the fact that we are all still here and lucky enough to have each other. We worship this colony that keeps us safe. We are all a ‘family’ in a sense when we live here. We worship our neighbors and the food we are given daily. It was nice. It feels like every single person who lived in the colony showed up. 

There is a social hour in the basement after. Ellie wants to go because Dina is going to be there. Oh la la. It must be why Ellie wore her nicest and most clean shirt today. Joel grabs you by the hand and introduces you to everyone. 

“Ava, this is Birdie.” Joel introduces you to a tall, beautiful blonde woman. She’s probably five years older than you. Closer to Joel’s age. She is almost as tall as he is. Her eyes are an emerald green and she is in great shape. 

You hate her. 

“Hi! It’s so nice to finally meet you!” She hugs you like she is your best friend. You hug her back because you want to be polite to Joel’s friend. You do not like her though. Her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

Not really. It's not terrible, but you already hate her.

“It’s nice to meet you too! I’ve heard so much about Miss. Ava from Ellie, and Joel just loves your jam.” You have acrid bile coming up your throat at the counterfeit kind tone you have.

It must come across pretty naturally because she laughs, and then touches Joel’s arm.

She better remove those pretty fingers from that strong bicep, you know, if she wants to keep ‘em for making jam and everything.

You know the importance of fingers when it comes to kneading bread and making jam.

So why is she touching your boyfriend like that? 

“He was going through,what, a jar every two or three days while you were in the medical center?" She is looking right at Joel when she’s talking to you. Right into his big brown eyes and—

Joel's big, dumb eyes are looking right into her emerald ones! Looking right into them like he’s lost in there and cannot find his way out. 

"Ain't that interesting..." You nod your head and watch as they look at each other intently.

Unspoken words are happening right in front of you.

What the fuck is going on?

"Once I'm able to bake bread and make jam, I'll be sure to send some to school with Ellie. As a thank you, for making sure Joel here was full of it," you smile... maybe too sweetly.

This comment pulls Joel’s brown eyes away from Ava’s beautiful bewitching eyes and looks down at you. 

“I will let you two catch up. I should go introduce myself to everyone.” You sneak away fast with your little limp before Joel can protest.

There are a couple awkward moments of you weaving throughout the crowd of people, trying to put as much distance between Joel and that witch Ava.

You pause and introduce yourself to a young woman who looks about your age.

“Hi, I’m Birdie.” You wave to her nicely and smile.

Her blue eyes light up and she also hugs you like you are best buddies. “Bird! I know all about Birdie! I work down at the market as well as the greenhouse and you are all Joel talks about when he comes in. Bird this. Bird that. I thought he was talking about a real bird at first and I had to ask what kinda bird it was he was taking care of so good up in that house.”

This woman speaks so fast it makes your head spin.

“I’m Connie. It’s so nice to finally meet you. I been waitin’ for you to get outta that house! I need someone to hang out with! Joel said you’re the same age as me and, that’s amazing.” She continues to talk as fast as you have had to run for your life sometimes, and it’s hard to take in everything she is saying. 

“Wow!"

"I know, ain't it somethin'?" Connie is beaming. She seems so sweet and nice.

"Did you say that you work at a greenhouse? We have one of those?” You ask curiously. It would be so nice to have something to do besides just sit at home and wait for Joel and Ellie to get home.

It’s not like there is anything else to do. You could read but there are barely any books. You’d have to go on an outing to try and find some but books are so heavy. So heavy. 

“Yeah! Me and Jacob need help real bad. We run the greenhouse and also the market. It’s gettin’ to be a lot with just the two of us.” And then Jacob turns around at the sound of his name. 

“Ya’ll talkin’ about me? I didn’t do it. I don’t know nothin’ about it.” 

You're not expecting the familiar face that turns around to look at you.

"Jackie?" Your voice croaks the name out as every drop of moisture evaporates out of your mouth.

This has to be a dream-- a nightmare.

Jackie Harris, the only other man on this plant to have seen you naked, to have touched you in ways that no other person has, besides Joel, is standing here in front of you.

"Jackie Harris?"

His hazel eyes go wide when you say his name. You watch the realization, the recognition hit him like then thousand pounds of bricks.

He says your name-- your real name, and it feels like home. His voice, his eyes, the way he smiles when he realizes that this is also actually happening.

“No fucking way. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. Holy fucking shit.” You don't know how you two started holding onto each other's forearms in this sudden and insane turn of events. “You look just like you did in high school. Except your hair. Your hair is different. You look just like you did the last time I saw you.” Jackie’s eyes scan all over your face and neck and down to your chest. “You look incredible.”

So the fuck does he! With his jet black hair and is fucking beautiful caramel brown eyes. Wow. He just looks like an older version of your high school boyfriend. He doesn’t look aged or haggard. He just looks older. Taller. More handsome and muscular. His arms feel strong under your hands and he’s gripping you so tightly like he cannot believe your real. 

“Wow.” You whisper as your eyes scan his face and chest and neck and down to his middle. You cannot believe he is here either. “How did you get here? When did you get here?” 

“I was part of this original colony, but I had been gone for a while. I was on a scouting mission to Bend, Oregon with some of our military guys. I got back a couple weeks ago. When did you get here?” He is still looking you up and down. 

“I was here before... a couple months ago, and then I left...and then I came back.” You feel awestruck. The words come out of you dreamily, like you're floating.

You snap back to reality. Very quickly.

“I had to help my boyfriend with something.” You add, because you did not forget about Joel.

No. He’s here. Also. As well.

With your ex-boyfriend from high school.

Joel is currently dripping out of your pussy and into your underwear.

  It’s fine. Everything. Is. Fine.

“You’re cheating on me? I didn’t think we ever broke up.” Jackie smiles down at you.

Fuck! Stop smiling.

He used to be so cute in school. He was one of the cute popular boys and now he is a hot, handsome man.

Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!

You look over at the woman who is still looking at you, smiling. It's like she can read the question that's forming on your lips-- even though you have no reason to ask, or care, or even want to know.

Connie drops the smile and shakes her head. 

“Ew. No. We’ve been traveling together…or like… almost ten years? He found me with a broken leg and took care of me while it healed. He’s like my brother.” Connie explains. You nod in understanding. “Ew. No. Gross .” Connie makes a disgusted sound, like she might be retching as she walks away. 

“Hey.” Joel’s voice sounds very unimpressed with the image in front of him. His new girlfriend holding the arms of another man– a handsome man.

Joel is looking him up and down– while this handsome man embraces his new girlfriend's forearms in his strong hands? No. Joel does not like this at all. “What’s goin’ on?” He eyes you up and down now skeptically. 

“Joel, you’re not going to believe this. This is my ex-boyfriend from high school. The one I talked about.”

Because you have talked of him, fondly . He was a good boy. Always nice and respectful. Had a nice big dick too if you can remember correctly but you’re not remembering. Nope. Not even thinking about it.

What is a cock?

Nobody better ask you, ‘cause you don’t know. 

“Oh. Hey–it’s nice to meet you.” Joel offers his hand for a shake and Jackie slaps his hand in Joel’s with some force and they shake…for a while. 

“Joel...we do patrol together on Wednesday nights,” Jackie looks so confused as to how Joel just forgot who he was. 

Joel knew who Jacob was?

Was he was just too flustered to fucking say the right thing!?

Joel’s eyes move back and forth in the sockets while he searches for something to say.

This might be the first time you've ever seen Joel speechless, or at a loss for words in any situation.

"Right." Joel says finally after a painfully long time of silence.

Your stomach cringes up inside of you because what the fuck was that!? Ugh! It makes you wanna die for Joel. That was awful. You wish you could leave. Right now. 

“Jackie, I’ll come see you about that greenhouse job soon. We’ll have to catch up sometime.” You pull Joel away, who is still staring at Jackie, and try to find an exit door or some place that does not have what feels like ten thousand people in it. 

“Oh, you’re goin’ t’work for him?” Joel says as you two walk outside. There are people walking by so he lowers his tone and takes a step towards you. “That really your ex-boyfriend? Are you fuckin’ shittin’ me?” Joel sounds like he’s upset with you. 

“What? You think I called him up and told him about this place, said I missed him, and told him to come over?” You start laughing because now he’s the jealous one!

“No jokes.”

Uh oh.

Joel is serious. “You wanna work for him?” He does not think you’re funny right now.

He must have not smoked your medicine this morning. 

“I’d like something to do during the day. I enjoy gardening. You know this. I’ve told you before. Connie says they need help anyway.” You kiss Joel on the mouth and he stares at you, giving you no kiss back. He’s stone-faced, his eyes follow you around in the socket.

“Connie his ol’lady?"

You want to lie and say yes to make things go easier but you don’t like to lie to Joel. Or anyone really. 

“No. It’s his sister. Travel companion.” You explain. “Joel, I'm not interested in him. I just want something to do during the day. Something I like. How lucky would I be to have that? You get that! You like being a carpenter. I wanted to work in the greenhouse before I even knew Jackie ran it.” 

“His name is Jacob. No one calls him Jackie .” Joel grumbles.

You chuckle softly at his jealousy. “How is Ava?” You flick your eyebrows up to him once and cross your arms over your chest.

Joel rolls his eyes.

“Exactly! You were at her house every two days for jam!? Gimmie a break. And she was touching on you. Joel, she wants to fuck you.”

Joel’s eyes snap back to yours. “No she doesn’t.” Joel says this like it’s something he’s convinced of. 

Interesting .

“Oh? I bet if you tried she wouldn’t turn you down.” You roll your eyes at him now. 

“Oh, like Jacob would turn you down? Did you see the way he was lookin’ at you in there?” Joel points to the door you just walked out of. “Undressing you with his eyes. I do it all the time. I know what it looks like!” 

Joel is big jealous. Big mad. Big feelings. 

“Oh, get over it. I wasn’t undressing him, which is all that matters. Do you not trust me? Have I given a reason for you not to trust me? No. I don’t lie to you. I never have.” You keep your arms crossed and turn your nose up at him. “I never even slept with him.”

Joel is by your side, his nose is in your ear. “You better never, ever do it, either.” He growls. “ Mine, remember?" He sounds so upset. You think he might be growling to cover up the…fear in his tone?" I’m your swinging dick. You’re my ol’lady. Don’t forget that.”

You pull away from him and look up into his brown eyes but they are angry. Narrowed right on to yours. 

“I don’t forget things.” You start walking back towards the building and into the building. Joel stays outside.

It’s funny to you now, walking away because you’ve been forgetting a lot lately– like, so much more than normal.

“This is my Mom!” You hear Ellie’s voice ring out over all the others and then her loud, clunky footsteps but they are accompanied by another set of footsteps. 

“Hi Mrs. Miller. Ellie doesn’t stop talking about you.” It’s Dina! Ellie wants you to meet Dina! Oh this is so—

What the fuck did Ellie just call you?

For the first time? In public and in front of other people?

She planned this so you wouldn’t make a big deal about it…you think. 

“Hi. It’s Dina, right?” You ask, holding your hand out to shake, she shakes it with vigor. Dina nods, and smiles at Ellie. “It’s nice to meet you. She pointed out where all her friends live when she showed me around.” You cover your tracks because you’re a good mom and don’t wanna give away that Ellie talks about Dina all the time. 

“Mom, can I go to the movies with the kids from school? Joel said that I could go yesterday, and I just wanna make sure it’s okay with you.” Ellie is hanging on to Dina’s jacket sleeve.

You’re hanging on by a thread because she just called you mom again. Stay calm, don’t embarrass your daughter.

It’s so hard. You wanna squeeze her until she explodes.

“As long as you’re home for supper, I’m fine with it. Have fun. Make good choices .” You lean in and kiss Ellie on the forehead. “Love you, Squeak. See you later.” You adorn her with the nickname your mom had for you growing up.

Ellie and Dina take off together and are suddenly joined by ten other kids and they all run off.

Joel is beside you. suddenly, his arm touching yours. “Where she goin’?” He asks, all the anger has left his voice. His hand finds yours and he holds it gently.

“Movies. With Dina. ” You bump your hip into his. You want to tell him what Ellie said, what she called you....but she calls Joel…Joel. So you don’t know. Maybe she will always call him that? You don’t know. You’ll wait until you talk to Ellie about it unless she says it in front of him first. 

“Sorry if I was an ass. I didn’t mean to be.” Joel squeezes your hand. He’s trying. 

“It’s okay. I got jealous too. I love you.” You rest your head on his shoulder and watch everyone mingle in the basement of the old church. 

“Love you, Bird. Wanna go for a walk with me?” 

“You’re not going to be mad if I go work, right? At the greenhouse?” Joel’s eyes are on you as you speak, you can feel them but you don’t look up to him. You keep your eyes on the sidewalk in front of you. “I just don’t wanna be bored.” You shrug.

There hasn't been enough time for you to be bored. You just got home from the hospital a week ago.

This life though, this new, calm and peaceful life with no threats feels....uncomfortable. It shouldn't, you should be thankful for the time you get to rest, and relax and sleep with your eyes closed the entire night-- not having to wake up and take watch. Not snapping your eyes open at the smallest sounds, the most insignificant noises because...what could it be?

It's quiet at night. It's unsettling.

All of this new life feels so strange.

“You’re gonna work if we have kids?” Joel asks, squeezing your hand softly in his. 

“I could. I could work in the market with Connie. Bring a baby right to work with me. Strap it right to my chest or back. Women do that in parts of the world, you know. Work with babies wrapped right up to them.” You cradle the air in front of your bust. 

“If that’s what you want, Bird.” Joel doesn’t sound like he’s convinced himself he’s okay with this. 

“Hey.” You finally stop and look up at him. “I was just shocked to see him. A familiar face. It was nice. Reminds me of a time I had almost started to think wasn’t real.” You hold back tears. “Memories of a– a simpler time. You have those memories, don’t you? You get them with Tommy.”

Joel is looking down at you, his face is not soft or understanding. He is listening to you though.

“I don’t know. I didn’t ever think I’d see someone from home– from my childhood? Never. It was just shocking to know he’s still alive. A brain fuck that he’s here in Jackson, of all places.” You take a step forward and press your chest into Joel. “Doesn’t mean you have anything to worry about. Or be jealous of.” You purse your lips together for a kiss.

Joel huffs, rolls his eyes and gives you a peck on the corner of the mouth. “Fine. I don’t like it. Not one bit. I can’t cage my Bird though.” He kisses you on the forehead now, longer than the peck. 

“You don’t have to like it. I don’t like that you still eat Ava’s shitty jam.” You sneer up at him gently, almost playfully. Joel laughs and wraps his arms around your neck and holds you close to him. 

“Shitty jam. You liked it.” He’s still laughing. “Thought it was real good until you found out who made it.” Joel continues laughing. “Brat. You're a lil brat.” Joel growls into the top of your head before he kisses it softly. “My brat. Do you want to go up top? You been up there?” Joel’s eyes shoot to the top of the wall that surrounds the colony. 

“I haven’t been up there. Are there a lot of stairs?” You wrinkle your nose.

Joel shakes his head and then stops. You see the gears turning. 

“Kinda. I’ll piggy back you up on them. Like last night. C’mon, Bird. It’s pretty up there. Pretty sure you can see your old cabin.” Joel grabs your hand and slowly leads you towards the entrance of the giant wall that keeps out all the bad. 

It’s easier to hop up onto Joel’s back today than it had been last night. You actually held on with one arm around his neck and the other gripping his shoulder as he carried you up the two flights of stairs to the top.

“My big, strong future husband.” You whisper into his ear as he nears the top. He likes this. He grips your legs tighter and makes a sound from deep in his chest. 

Things are already feeling different with Joel. Things feel more like they did on the road when he’d be nice to you in front of Ellie and hold your hand towards the end near Salt Lake. You do love Joel. So much. You almost forgot about Jackie already but then he pops back into your head just for a second. His nice smile and beautiful hazel eyes. 

“Bird, leggo f’me.” Joel is at the top of the stairs and you haven’t noticed because you’re thinking about someone else's eyes! No! Don’t do it! Stop! You ease yourself down off of Joel and he takes your hand again. “C’mon.” Joel leads you around the platform behind the outer edge of the wall. There are two sections. The outer part is the defense around the perimeter. The inner part of the wall, it’s hollow the entire way around. Then another wall, the interior. There are five feet between the two separate walls, and a platform around the entire thing for the patrol. 

“How do I get on patrol duty?” You ask as Joe slowly walks you around the large circle. 

“You’d do patrol?” Joel asks like he cannot believe you’d want to do that. 

“Do I get a cool fuckin’ vest like him?” You eye the guard on patrol now in his bulletproof, tan camouflage vest.

Joel and him both chuckle as Joel gives him a nod. “Ken.” 

“Joel.” The man in the vest says. “I got extra, if she wants one!” He calls out as Joel leads you further around the circle. 

“I do want a vest from Ken. I do. Get me one. I mean it." You do your best to keep up with Joel. “Slow down, Jesus. My leg!” You hiss at him. It feels like he’s running.

What is he running from?

You realize in that moment how fucked you’d be if anything happened to this colony. You’d have to hide. Have to. You wouldn’t be able to run for shit. Couldn’t climb a tree. Probably couldn’t even get up the stairs. You’re having a panic attack. 

“Baby? What’s wrong?” Joel is in front of you, holding onto your shoulders as you’re stopped in the middle of the platform. Eyes moving ten billion miles a minute in your head.

It feels like you can't breathe at all.

“Bird! What s’wrong? Are you okay?”

No! No you’re not okay. You are a sitting duck with this leg and you do not like it. Not one bit. You also don’t like the fact that you’d be a sitting duck nine months pregnant. Nope. Don’t like that. 

“No baby.” You whisper. “Bad leg. C-can’t run. Pregnant? Run? Baby? CRYING? ” It just comes out as panicked, incoherent babbling.

Neither of you, Joel or yourself, had put no real thought into what having a baby means. Not even a little. You had at one point, but all the common sense you had was tossed out the window when Joel started calling you a lil girl and telling you he wanted to put a baby inside you .

Mother-fucker. 

Sonofabitch . 

“What are you talkin’ about?”

Joel does nothing to try and piece together the string of words you had let fall out of your mouth.

There is a sentence inside of you that can relay all of the panic inside of you. It goes--

Joel, how could we possibly bring a new life into this world, into this place when we don't know what's going to happen? Nothing is promised, especially not our safety. How would we calm and quiet a cranky, crying baby if anything were to ever happen to these carefully constructed walls? How would we ever get out of here-- all four of us, in one piece?

What you end up saying is--

“Baby!? Crying!?”

Joel stops moving and stares into your eyes. Both of you are silent and still. For several minutes.

You think that he is reading your mind, silently understanding your fears and concerns. He's dealing with all of that in his head right now and you start to relax just a little.

“I don’t hear a baby crying.” Joel says to you so seriously, while still staring at you. 

“Not now!” You bark at him in your panicked state, and you shake yourself free from his hands.

"Watch it," Joel growls at you, narrowing his eyes.

Now is not the time to correct your tone-- not even a little bit.

“We want to have a baby?" The harshness from your voice is gone, but the worry and fear still drip off your tongue.

Joel starts to say something, but you don't let him get the words out before you're speaking again.

"I cannot run on my leg. What would we do if something happened?” You raise an eyebrow at him and cross your arms over your chest. Joel looks around and puts his arm around your shoulders and walks you slowly away from the patrol who is looking at you guys pretty hard.

“What are you talkin’ ‘bout? Nothin’s gonna happen.” Joel sounds like he’s pretty sure of this.

"Oh like you didn't think anything was going to happen on the road!" You exclaim.

Joel narrows his eyes on yours again, "Watch. It."

The intimidating voice and his scary eyes are completely ignored by you and your racing thoughts.

“We never know what’s going to happen out there, Joel. I told Ellie that in the basement of that house when I thought you were going to die! We sound stupid saying that nothing’s going to happen.” You whisper, fully aware now that you’re not at your house and basically on a stage for everyone to look at.

You keep your voice low. “I told Ellie that she needs to remember that she’s not untouchable and look at us: forgetting the same fucking thing.” You’re so disappointed in yourself.

Joel doesn’t say anything for a long time. He just walks you around the entire colony and you never actually stop to look at anything like he wanted. You just walk and think in silence.

It’s like Joel got baby stupid and forgot all these things too and now he’s suddenly remembering that wood walls and guns don’t keep out fires and other things with guns. Or explosives. 

Joel doesn’t piggy back you down the stairs, he helps you get down them carefully like your words did something to him and now he has to get you better. Immediately. No more babying you. No more carrying. You’re getting that leg better or it’s going to kill Joel. 

“Okay. Talk to me calm. Slow. I need to know what you’re thinkin’.” Joel says as you two get home and inside. He leads you to the couch. 

You explain to him everything going through your head. How would you carry a baby if your leg doesn’t heal all the way? How are you going to run from danger and protect a child and Ellie and yourself if you can barely run away? Can’t climb for shit, don’t know if you ever will be able to again.

Joel listens without saying a word. You continue to explain how the wall is a false sense of security. It always is. Maria and Tommy can have their baby. You and Joel need to focus on keeping Ellie alive. 

“Fuck.” Joel rubs his hands over his eyes and leans back against the couch. “You’re right. We got baby fever, got caught up in it.” Joel sighs, his hands still over his eyes. 

“I know. It sucks. I was really excited about it. Maybe it’s not off the table completely but this place is still so new. So fresh. Let it establish, settle a little longer. Then we can see?” You look up at Joel from your place beside him on the couch. “See how my leg heals?” 

“Yeah. Yeah. We’ll get married first. See what happens.” Joel leans in and kisses the top of your head. He wraps one arm around your neck and pulls you close into him. You rest your head on his shoulder and feel like you could cry. 

“Yeah.” You choke out— so sadly. You’re so sad. This sucks.

Fuck.

“So this is where we grow everything for the market out front. It’s all fruits and veggies. Joel and Tommy said they’d work on expanding it for us.” Jackie explains as he walks you through the greenhouse. “Maybe you can get that expedited for us.” He winks at you and you feel all the blood rush to your cheeks. 

“I’ll put in a work order with the carpenters and see what I can do.” You look into all the raised garden beds and all the plants growing out of them. 

“It’d be appreciated by everyone. We’d be able to dig into the ground. The soil is so lush and fertile here. We’d be able to expand what everyone gets weekly. Connie wants to start a pumpkin patch—”

“A pumpkin patch would be such a good idea.” You interrupt on accident but this does excite you. “Sorry, we could do pumpkins and get some corn planted. Some more wheat.” You point to the corner of the greenhouse that is dedicated to wheat and it’s almost depleted. “We could do barley and hops. The guys at the bar could set up a distillery. Make moonshine and beer.” 

“Wow. Look at you with all these good ideas.” Jackie turns, leaning against a table behind him. “You were always full of ideas. Not always good ones. Remember when you tried to back my car out of the driveway and knocked over your neighbors–”

“Mailbox? Yes. I do.” You chuckle and lean against the a large, raised garden bed. “I got into so much fucking trouble for that.” You look up at Jackie, he’s smiling at you. “My dad tried to tell me I couldn’t see you for a month—”

“I saw you that night.” Jackie finishes what you were gonna say. You nod at him. “Sure did see you that night.” He sounds sentimental. It’s making your stomach flutter because you remember what you did with him that night. Got naked in the back of his car and touched. Nothing more. Just touched but he saw you. Really saw you that night for the first time. 

“We did a lot of stupid shit back then.” You’re smirking so hard it’s turning into a smile too. Shit. Stop smiling at him. You probably look so dumb smiling at him like this.

“Sure did.” Jackie is looking at you through his lashes. He doesn’t seem devious. Not at all. Just silly. “Remember the time your mom cut my hair—” 

“And bleached the tips! Frosted tips! Oh my God! Yes!” You laugh again because he looked so fucking cute but he hated it. Hated it so much and your mom wouldn’t die it back or cut it until he grew it out a little. 

“I was so mad at your mom… ” Jackie was laughing but stopped quickly. "She still..?"

“No. I think she got as far as like, Akron Ohio, then she got taken out pretty quick.” You look down to the ground and your shoes. “What about your parents?” 

“Both made it out of Jersey. My mom stayed with a colony down in Texas but it was culty as fuck. My dad and I split and made our way up here but he passed two years ago. Heart attack out in the woods. I think. He wasn’t infected. Not shot. Just died hunting one day.” Jackie’s voice doesn’t quiver once. “Your dad last long? Seems like the kinda guy who would last long.” 

“He did. Died... maybe four years ago? I can’t remember. Got an infection in his blood. Went septic real quick after that.” Jackie nods as you explain. “Sucked to watch him die like that.”

“Damn. Surprised he didn’t shoot himself. Or worse, make you do it.” Jackie chuckles a little and so do you because that is something your dad would have made you do. 

“I was shocked too. I couldn’t believe he suffered like that for so long, ya know? He was such a hard head I thought for sure he’d limp out into the woods and end it before it got as bad as it did. He suffered to the very end.” You remember it like it was yesterday. Listening to him crying and begging to not die.

“Scared.” Jackie is looking at you when you back up at him from your feet again. “He was scared. Normal. I’da been scared. Hell, I’m still scared most of the time. These walls don’t mean shit.” You nod at him when he speaks.

“Yeah, I just had that realization yesterday after worship. It’s scary. Nothing like before the outbreak.” You sigh and shove your hands into your hoodie pocket. 

“Not even a little bit. I like this colony. The people are great but they’re all a little wall-blinded. Too comfortable.” Jackie takes a step towards you, you try to step back but there is the garden bed behind you. “Do you want the job?” He holds his hand out for yours and you nod.

“Yeah, I would.” You put your hand inside his and--

What the fuck was that? That... feeling?

Why are you buzzing the way you are? What did this man do to you? He did nothing. Not one single thing but hold your hand and shake it gently.

His eyes look into yours for a long time, he holds your hand in his as he stares at you. 

“You look so…” Jackie trails off and you pull your hand away from his. “Sorry, it’s just real crazy seeing you again.” He doesn’t take his eyes off your face. They’re focused directly onto your lips and you would kiss him if it weren’t for Joel. 

“I have to get home. Ellie will be home from school soon. I’ll come back in the morning. You can show me what I’ll be doing.” You sidestep Jackie and move as fast as your body will allow you out of the back door of the greenhouse. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. Does Joel have something to be jealous of? No. Not even a little bit. Right? Fuuuck. Shiiit. This is worse than Ava’s dry fuckin’ bread. God dammit. No fucking way.

You find a tiny piece of happiness carved right out in the woods and the two only men who have ever seen you naked are in the same colony? What are the chances? Really? You’d love to fucking know.

This sounds like some fucked up warning that your mom would give you about fooling around. 

"Keep your clothes on. You never know who is gonna see you, and then you have to see them, knowing they’ve seen you with no clothes on. For the rest of your life, Squeak! Keep your bra on! Don’t let the boys see nothin’!"

Now you wish you had kept your bra on. So badly. So, so badly.

Oh dear, it felt like... you might have kissed if you hadn't left when you had. You don’t know for sure, but it sure fucking felt like you guys were about to kiss.

You think about what Joel said to you once. 

“I’d kill anyone who ever touched you.”

Now you are terrified for Jackie!

Joel and Jackie do patrols on Wednesday nights together.

Lest a horrible accident befall Jackie this Wednesday. You’d never forgive Joel if an accident happened to Jackie while Joel was around.

You know what Joel is capable of. You’ve seen it with your own eyes. He’s also told you! He's told you what he did!

Joel told you bits and pieces of the things he did to people he would have considered innocent in this fucked up world of take take take.

Jackie is an innocent!

Fuck! 

“Where ya' goin'?” Joel’s voice booms from all around you somehow.

It's almost breaks your neck how fast you whip your head around looking for him.

Then he lets out a sharp whistle that makes you look straight up.

"Where ya' limpin' off to in such a hurry, baby girl?" Joel is peering over the rooftop of the building you were walking beside.

“Home. I just got the job at the market and greenhouse.” You shield your eyes from the sun so you can see him better. Looking into his face makes you feel better. He’s just as hot as he was before he left for work this morning.

“I bet you did.” Joel rolls his eyes. “Hold on, I’m comin’ down.” And then he’s gone. He reappears from behind the building, down an alley. “Bird. Psst. C’mere.” He nods you over with his head. You limp to him. He pulls you completely behind the building he had been working on top of. 

Joel’s mouth is on yours and his hand is down the front of your pants before you can say hi to him. You’re soaked and he is… curious as to why. 

“Wet?" Joel growls into your parted lips as his fingers thrum against your clit quickly. "Th'fuck did you do for your interview, huh?"

“I was thinking about you.” You lie to him. “Thinkin’ about how you fucked me so good this morning, Daddy.” You whisper into his ear.

Joel loves this, loves the way you’re speaking to him in public. He forces his hands further down the front of your jeans. The fabric stretches so tight that you can hear the faint creaking and ripping of the worn, thin threads keeping them together. This doesn't stop Joel, he doesn't care. His fingers slide between your velvet and into your entrance. 

“My lil girl. You are. My sweet girl.” Joel coos softly. “Come for me before you go home baby.” He pulls his fingers from within you now that they're coated in your slick and circles them around your clit quickly. “Come lil baby. I love hearing you try and hold back.”

You are trying to hold back the gasps and moans from how fast Joel's thick, strong fingers are pushing you towards bliss. It feels so good. The calloused pads of his fingers rub against you quickly and with force behind them. Joel’s warm breath on your ear and neck as he whispers dirty things.

“Love touchin’ your perfect pussy. Wanna feel you come on me before I go back to work. Hurry lil girl, I don’t got all day.” He growls against the side of your face as he works his fingers against you quicker. 

“Daddy,” you moan breathlessly against his shoulder. "Gotta walk home," you gasp, the tightness in your lower belly feels like it could snap. "Can't--- don't... please," you whine softly.

"Awe, baby doesn't wanna walk home in wet pants?" Joel taunts you, his fingers unrelenting against your aching clit. He braces you against the wall with his forearm underneath your breasts when he feels your knees buckle. "Won't make ya' squirt, just come for me baby girl..."

That exceptionally taut sensation in your belly snaps and your body goes limp against the brick wall behind you.

A string of expletives and his name Daddy, come out of your mouth in a hushed tone as Joel tips you right over the edge.

"Such a pretty girl when ya' singin' my name," he hums, and nips at your earlobe.

You don’t gush but you do come, and Joel can feel how wet you get against his fingers. You’re holding on to his biceps for dear life as he talks you through it.

“Yeah, darlin'... just like that.” Joel pulls his fingers from your pants and sticks them into your partially open mouth, but instead of letting you suck them clean, he leans in and both of your tongues lap and lick hungrily at the juices on his fingers and knuckles. Joel looks into your eyes the whole time, never looks away. “Mine. No one will ever make you feel the way I do, Bird.” 

Holy shit. Why, and how did Joel get so hot? It almost makes you sick thinking about it. He’s so experienced and you’re… technically fifteen…sexually. As weird as that sounds. You’re a grown woman, yes. But you had never even had a finger inside of you before you met Joel. You sure as hell didn’t know how to make yourself feel the way he made you feel.

You never had anything to base it on. 

Why are you even thinking about all that? Doesn’t matter. He’s your future husband. Ya’ll promised. Not that it matters at all about the promise. You love him. You love him so damn much. You again have nothing to compare it to. It’s nothing like the love you have for Ellie. And you were fifteen when you were in love with Jackie, and this feels different from that. 

Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Shit. Fuck. 

Ellie is already home from school when you walk through the door. She’s at the table doing her homework like a good girl. 

“Hey, Squeak. Can we talk?” You ask, sitting down gingerly across from her. Her eyes go sad and she looks down at the table “What’s wrong? What did you do?” You tilt your head to the side and wonder what could have happened. What did she break? She looks up at you, her fingers fidget with the pencil she has in her hand. 

“What’s wrong? Why do you sound mad at me?” She asks in her little tiny girl voice. “Are you mad that I called you mom the other day? I won—”

“Ellie, no. Not at all. I’m not mad. I loved it. I don’t ever want you to stop.” You laugh nervously and give her your concerned eyes. “Why do you look guilty though?” You ask, still nervous.

She shrugs. “You just weren’t here when I got home. Then you walk in and say we need to talk. Don’t even give me a hug.” Ellie looks back down at the table. 

“Pipsqueak .” You stand, even though it hurts. You walk around the table and hold her head into your chest. “I’m sorry. I have so much on my mind right now.” You sigh against the top of her head. “It’s got nothing to do with you though, hon.” You whisper and kiss the top of her head. “I was just distracted. I got a job today.” You pull away, still keeping your arms wrapped around her neck so you can look down at her. “Down at the greenhouse. You can come help me whenever you want, I’ll teach you how to garden.” You kiss her forehead and she finally smiles. 

“Is that what is on your mind?” Ellie asks as you limp back to your chair. You shrug your shoulders. 

“Mostly. Yeah. Just trying to adjust to not having to run away and be on the move all the time.” You lie to Ellie. “Can I ask you something?” She nods. “Why do you call me mom but you don’t call Joel dad?” Ellie drops her eyes to the table. 

“I dunno. It’s just different. He feels like my dad, but he’s just my…Joel.” Ellie’s eyes flick up from her homework. “Should I call him dad? I don’t know. It just feels…different. You never had kids before. You want to be a mom. I don’t know if calling Joel dad would just make him sad about Sarah.”

You hadn’t thought about that.  

“I think you should talk to him. Maybe don’t make that assumption for yourself, babe. He’s never going to ask you to call him dad.” You don’t know this for sure, but you would have never asked Ellie to call you mom.

The rejection if she had said no would have broken your heart in two. Also, that's kind of a weird thing to ask a kid… who is dealing with her own traumas. 

“You do? How would I even bring that up?” She rests her elbow on the table and rests her head on her fist. You lean back and think for a minute, looking down at the table before you answer. 

“Yeah. I do think you should talk to him. Just ask him what he wants. He’s told me he wants a family with all of us. Wants us to have his last name some day.” You reach for her free hand and she holds yours with hers softly. “Just talk to him. Go for a walk. I dunno. Bring him to your clean and tidy bedroom. Talk to him. Cry if you have to. Don’t hold back. Just be honest.” You squeeze her hand. “He loves you so much. So, so much. You didn’t see him doing everything he could to get you ou—”

You’re still speaking but Ellie’s eyes flash and she sits up, pulling her hand from yours. 

“What happened? That day at the hospital. I don’t remember anything. We were all outside and then I woke up in the back of that car.” 

Fuck.

It had only been two days since you and Joel had your talk on the bench outside the medical center. He had told you everything he had said to Ellie about that day, but you were high-- so you don't remember.

Not really. It's so fuzzy and only bits and pieces come to you when you try to recall what Joel had said.

“The doctors were telling us that… that the tests that they were trying weren’t working. They were going to stop looking for a cure. When Joel and I went to get you… the umm– the raiders! The raiders came. I’m sorry Ellie. I lost a lot of blood. I don’t really remember it all that well.” You lie again because you remember every single thing except for the parking garage. You remember everything before that. 

“It’s okay. That’s what Joel said happened. I don’t know. I just feel— feel like something isn’t right.” She looks back at you with skeptical eyes like she doesn’t really believe what you’ve told her but the next thing you tell her isn’t a lie. 

“I feel the same way. Things don’t feel right.” You say it before you can pepper it with some pizzazz to make it seem like you’re not scared. Her eyebrows furrow. You scramble and think of a new lie to cover up what you’ve just said. “We’re getting used to regular life. It’s hard. It doesn’t feel right. Trusting new people. Relaxing at night. It feels weird.” Good one. Good one. She seems less frightened. A little more at ease.

“That makes sense, I guess. I don’t know. Things just feel weird.” You stare at her for a long time. 

“Why do you say that?” 

“I dunno, maybe for the reasons you say? You seem different. Joel is different.” She shrugs but her eyes never meet yours. 

“How are we different? Bad different?” You’re scared now. 

“He just looks at you different. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. He always used to look at you. His eyes were different then though. He just…looks at you different, now. Sometimes it’s a little scary–”

“It’s scary? The way he looks at me?” Your heart is pounding in your chest. Sweat is dripping down your spine and the hair on the back of your neck is standing straight up. 

“You look at him scary too though.” She looks up at you now.

"What does that mean? Look at him scary?" You're whispering for whatever reason, this feels like it should all be whispered.

"Like...you're scared of him. Like...maybe you don't trust him." She whispers back to you. "You never looked at him like that on the road. Never, ever."

You wonder how much attention she was paying to yours and Joel's faces back then. Jesus Christ.  

“How would you know what I look like when I don't trust someone?” You ask curiously, trying to hide your immense fear.

“I don’t. But I know what lookin’ scared looks like--- and lately... you look scared a lot.” Ellie confesses to you. 

“And Joel looks at me like he’s…scared?” You ask nervously. Why would Joel be scared of you? Ellie shakes her head silently. Her eyes scan across the table in front of her rapidly. “What do you mean he looks at me scary then? I don’t understand…” 

“He looks at you like…” She struggles to find the word she wants to use. “He looks like he wants to tell you—”

The front door opens. It’s Joel. 

“My girls– what are you guys talking about?” Joel looks at the scene before him.

You’re basically laying on the table, trying to coax the next words out of Ellie’s mouth and she’s leaning against the table like you’ve hypnotized her into staring at you. 

“Girl stuff!” Ellie spits it out.

Is she scared? Was she scared just this very second? You were scared and you don’t even know why---you do know why. It's because she was about to admit something terrible. You could feel it in your chest, and you still do for some reason. She just couldn’t find the word for it. Fuck. He must have gotten out early. 

“Yeah. That.” You look up at Joel who doesn’t believe either one of you. It’s in his eyes but he drops the subject and walks further into the house and into the bedroom. “I love you. We’ll talk later. Finish your homework.” You whisper to Ellie before getting up from the table.

With a still racing heart, you walk into the bedroom and lean against the door frame of the attached bathroom as he gets undressed. Fuck, he is so nice to look at. 

“Did you have a good rest of your day after I saw you?” You look him up and down as he slides the flannel off his arms. Joel looks over at you smirking and nods. 

“Could smell you on my fingers for the last hour.” Joel pulls the black t-shirt off and over his head and tosses it at you. “You’re so fuckin’ hot lettin’ me touch you like that in public. I love that shit. I was fuckin’ throbbin’. If I had more time I would have fucked you up against that wall.” Joel’s pulling his jeans off now and you can see his erection in his boxers.

Hard to fuckin’ miss. 

“Come here.” You nod Joel over but he waves you away with his hand. 

“She’s out there. Get outta here, you horny Bird. I stink. I need to shower. You’re distractin’ me.” He gets into the cold shower and shuts the curtain. 

“Yeah but I like bein’ around you. Like talkin’ to you.” You walk further into the bathroom and shut the door. You sit down carefully on the closed toilet seat and Joel looks out at you from behind the curtain. 

“So what you wanna just hang out in here with me while I jerk off and shower?” Joel chuckles but you’re nodding. 

“Yes. Moan for me, Daddy.” You whisper as he closes the curtain again. You do hear him give you a throaty groan from over the sound of the shower. “Yeah. Touch yourself for me. Are you thinking about my throat or my cunt, Daddy?” The shower curtain snaps open and Joel, who is now dripping with water, pokes his head out. 

“Who taught you how to talk like that?” His eyebrows are furrowed. You raise your eyebrows and point to him. His face softens, but not much and he snaps the curtain back to being closed. You laugh as he talks from behind it now. “Don’t stop.” 

“Do you want to go deeper in my throat like you did before? Go as deep as you can? Choke me and make me gag?” You talk softly and a little throaty. Trying to make it sound sexy for him in your jeans and sweatshirt.

“Christ, yes. I do. Keep going.” Joel answers from behind the shower curtain. 

“You can come in my mouth and all over my face. I love when you come in my mouth, Daddy.”

“Jesus H Christ.” Joel groans softly. You hear him panting softly and another soft groan and then he’s quiet. “You’re terrible. Horny as hell. S’one of the reasons I love the shit out of you, dirty bird.” Joel’s laughing from behind the shower curtain. “You got the job? I’m proud of you, baby. I forgot to tell you earlier.” 

“Thank you. I’m going in tomorrow morning to start. Jacob wanted me to tell you that the expansion of the greenhouse would help the colony a lot. Get some more stuff planted. Have more food per house.” You explain, still sitting on the toilet set. “Just passing the word along.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll talk to Tommy about it. We can probably put the bowling alley on hold for a couple weeks.” Joel’s voice carries over the shower curtain. “I’d get to see you too. You’d be there, right?” 

“Yeah. There or inside the market, but I’d be there.” You smirk because he is sweet and kind. Hot as hell, too. Even at fifty-something. 

“What do you wanna do for dinner? I was—”

“I have to go hunting, it’s my turn. I go with Tommy, Ken and Philly on Monday’s.” Joel shuts the shower off. “I’m not gonna be here for dinner. You and Ellie go to Maria’s for dinner. She’ll probably be there all by herself.” He wraps himself up in a towel. “I’m sorry,” He sees the look of disappointment on your face. 

“It’s okay. Don’t be sorry.” You know Joel has responsibilities here.

You won’t be going to Maria’s. You will be staring into Ellie’s eyes and trying to get her to spill the beans.

What the fuck was she going to say before Joel got home? 

Ellie is staring at you from the edge of her bed. She’s got her knees tucked up into her chest. She is looking at you with regret in her eyes.

“I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t even know what I’m talking about.” Ellie says when you don’t let up the staring contest. 

“ Liar .” You whisper. “Tell me what you were gonna say.” 

“I can’t.” Ellie’s eyes are pleading with you to leave her alone. Stop pestering. You’re not going to like the answer. 

“You can. That’s the thing. You have the mouth and the vocal cords that make it possible for you to tell me.” Ellie rolls her eyes. “Why can’t you tell me? I won’t like what you say?” You ask. Ellie nods. “Is it about Joel?” You lean in. Ellie nods again. “Is it bad? Real bad?” You’re forehead is almost touching Ellie's. 

“Mom, I can’t. You’ll be so mad.” 

This makes you do two things. It makes your heart explode with love for that little girl. So much love.

It also makes your heart and stomach drop into your asshole. 

“Okay. I’m gonna guess– and all you have to do is nod or shake your head no. ‘Kay?” Your words feel like they are getting stuck in your throat as you talk. You think of all the things. “Does Joel look at me like he wants to hurt me?” Ellie shakes her head and furrows her brows. “Okay. Does it have anything to do with what we were talking about earlier?” You ask desperately. She shrugs. “That’s not an answer. Yes or no.” You point your index finger at her. She shakes her head. “But it is about Joel?” You tilt your head to the side, still pointing at her. She nods again. 

Fuck. Fuck.

When Ellie does decide to talk it’s fast. So fast you almost can’t understand her.

“JoelandMiss.AvakissedabunchbeforeweleftforSaltLake.” Ellie throws her hands over her mouth and closes her eyes.

You gasp. So loud.

“See! I knew you were going to be mad! I should have never said anything!"

“No! I'm-- This is-- Don't--You’re fine. I knew about it. I did.” You lie. 

“Then why did you make that sound!?” She exclaims, with a raised eyebrow in confusion.

You have to think. 

“I am just so shocked... that... um... that-- that you know! Why and how do you know that!?” You exclaim. 

“We stayed here in this house before we left and she would come over all the time. I’d see them on the couch before they’d go into your bedro—”

“Stop!” You hold your hand over her mouth. “I don’t want you to tell me anything else. Okay? I love you so very much, you cute fuckin’ baby.” You stand up and kiss her forehead. “I love you.” Your hand is still over her mouth. “You’re perfect and you did nothing wrong. Not at all. I knew all this.” You lie again. 

Oh.

You didn't know any of this shit!

What the fuck!?

You think you might actually throw up.

All of that happened before you guys became official-- at the same time as your little escapades in the woods. What the fuck? Okay. It’s fine. You two were not exclusive then.

You are going to throw up. You actually have to go outside and stand on the porch for fresh air. Your head is spinning.

Of course he wouldn’t tell you.

You wonder where Jackie lives; you wonder why he wasn’t the one you passed on the road the day you met Joel. Hmph. 

You wait on the porch until two in the morning. Joel comes home with a beer in his hand. 

“You waited up f’me?” Joel slurs softly.

You chuckle because you've been stewing in your newfound anger, and it’s very clear headed anger, waiting up for him. Yes. 

“Sure did. Come sit, buddy.” You pat the seat on the bench next to you.

“Buddy? Uh-oh. What’d I do?” Joel smirks and starts up the stairs. You’re so glad that he’s giggling.

You hope he keeps giggling honestly, it’ll make it easier to shove that beer bottle into his urethra. 

“Why don’t you tell me? Since I already know, I’d like to hear it from you.” You’re still smiling. You have no idea why, you’re actually so upset. The smile is coming from the insane part of your brain. You’ve never really ventured there before. Never had a reason.

Joel gives you a big brown eyed look. Not falling for it this time.

“What are you talkin’ ‘bout?” Joel leans back and takes a swig off his beer bottle.

You mirror him and lean back, smiling still, you can’t stop it.

“Why’re you smilin’ at me like that? You sound mad…"

The light leaves Joel’s eyes; you can see it happen. They go dull like the bulb died behind them.

“I know, Joel. I fucking know.” 

He doesn’t say anything, just stares at you.

“Yep. I know about who used to come visit in between our little romps in the woods.” You shake your head at him, the smiles gone now. Long gone. “In our bed?” You ask dully. “Really? You moved me into a bed that you used to fuck someone else on? You couldn’t even get a new house? There are other house— Oh… is it because someone else’s house is two doors down…” The smile is back, why the fuck are you smiling? 

“That had nothin’ to do with–”

“Oh my God. I thought for sure you were going to deny it. Not admit to it first thing. Oh God. I have to go for a walk.” You stand up but Joel tries to grab your hand. “No.” You pull it from his grasp and stuff it into your hoodie pocket. “I’m walking. Maybe I’ll come home tonight. I don’t know.” 

Not only did Joel fuck Ava. He lied about it. You asked. Okay. He didn’t really lie because you asked if something happened between him and Ava while you were in the hospital. Joel with his audacity to have said anything about your cunt belonging to him before you left for Salt Lake while he was already fucking someone else. Did he ask Ava first and she said no? Is she mad that he came back with someone else? If it wasn’t almost two thirty in the morning you would have gone up to her door and knocked because you’re really tapping into that crazy jealous part of your brain— OH! What if Ava is one of those going deepest women Joel said he knew??!! Oh! No! Joel could be going deeper into her throat right now! You think about rushing home but you do not. Your jealousy won’t get the best of you. Not tonight. 

“Bird?”  

Stop. Stop it right now. Why is Jackie Harris out walking around at two thirty in the morning? 

“Jackie?” You turn and it is him. It's Jackie Harris and he’s carrying a shotgun like Joel had been carrying. “Did you hunt tonight?” You ask curiously. He nods, motioning you to follow him. 

“Philly came down with something, stomach bug, food poisoning. Asked if I could cover for him– what are you doing up? Lookin’ for Joel? We all went to Tommy’s house after–”

“I found Joel.” You say curtly. Jackie chuckles. You look up at him. 

“He in the dog house for something?” Jackie looks down at you with his beautiful hazel eyes. 

“Is it that obvious?” You can’t help but smile at the look he’s giving you. 

“Kinda.” Jackie pulls his gaze from yours and stops in front of a pale yellow house. “Me and Connie live here. Wanna come inside?” It sounds innocent. Like just a friendly, do you need someone to talk to? You do need someone to talk to but it’s, like, super inappropriate to be talking to your childhood ex-boyfriend about it? Right? “We can just sit on the porch– I don’t want to put you in a weird position with Joel.” 

“Yeah, we can sit on the porch.” 

Jackie leads you up the driveway. Your house with Joel is on the other side of this house. You cannot see it from your front porch. You could see Jackie’s backyard from yours. But you’re not in Jackie’s backyard. 

“Everything okay?” Jackie asks it hesitantly, like he knows this isn’t a good idea either. You shrug. This is getting dumber and dumber by the second. Why did you even follow him up here? “You don’t have to talk about it. But I am always here to listen. If you ever need a friend in this place. A real one. Connie, too. She’s a good kid. Got a good heart.” 

“You never slept with her?” You give him a knowing look. He shakes his head. 

“Nah, it wasn’t ever on my mind really. I did it a couple times with some girls in colonies and shit we’d find. But when it was me and my dad and Connie all together on the road it was hard.” Jackie chuckles and shakes his head. “Never tried with Connie and then when I was horny enough to ask, it felt weird because she felt like family.” Jackie’s laughing under his breath now. The way his face moves, the lines around his mouth and eyes show the years he’s aged but it’s handsome. He’s handsome. His laughter makes you smile. 

Neither of you talk for a while. Then Jack speaks again, softly. 

“Is Joel…good to you? Nice to you?” His eyes are looking into yours when you look up from the floor. 

“You’re the second person to ask me that in like…three days.” Your eyes scan his face and he looks worried for you. “Why?” Your heart is pounding in your chest again. Jackie seems good at articulating his words. He’ll fucking tell you. 

“I just heard stories. He’s a no bullshit kinda guy, from what I hear. Just wanna make sure you’re safe.” Jackie tries to smile but you can see the fakeness behind it. “He’s a lot older than you. Like, almost twenty years. I know you’re grown but…it’s not like you had a lot of experience before the outbreak.” Jackie looks out into the road, like he’s nervous and checking to see if anyone is coming. No one is. 

“What do you mean?” The words he speaks confuses you. Not as confused as you are to how Joel went through Ava’s shit jam so fast. But you look at him with worry in your eyes because this is your future. You made a promise. 

“I dunno. It’s probably nothing. Forget I said—” Jackie sighs loudly and you can hear the regret in his voice but you want someone to give you a clear answer.

“What do you mean? Tell me. I live with the guy.” You take a step closer to Jackie and he backs away slowly. He didn’t do that earlier, he stepped towards you. The thought of Joel and Jackie in the woods alone races through your head. “Did he talk to you? Did he say anything to you on this hunting excursion?” You raise an eyebrow and take another step towards him, he tries to back away again but the edge of the porch is behind him. He shakes his head but his eyes are staring at your forehead! Not your eyes! “Look’it me.” You stand on your tip toes for two seconds and catch his eye. “What’d he say to you?”

“I’m not fuckin’ repeating what he said. No way. I’d never call you those things. Never.” Jackie furrows his eyebrows. The blood drains from your face. 

“What did he call me?” You ask softly. You feel tears prick at the corners of your eyes. Jackie does take a step towards you and reaches for you but he withdraws his hand at the last minute. You two are just on his front porch, standing inches apart. Jackie is taller than Joel by a couple inches, you have to crane your neck up to look at him. 

“I won't repeat it because it wasn’t very nice.” Jackie whispers. “Why are you mad at him?” He asks just as softly. 

“I found out he was fucking Ava before we left for Salt Lake.” You whisper it to him like he slipped you some kind of truth serum. “We weren’t together then but we were fucking too. And he lied to me about it.” The tears fall from your eyes in big, fat drops. Jackie wipes them away gently with his thumb. 

“I figured you knew about that. Everyone does.” His voice is so sweet as it delivers this heart wrenching news. It makes you close your eyes and lean into him. “I’m sorry, B.” He whispers, wrapping one arm around your back. “That’s real shitty. I’m sorry.” 

“What did he say about me? What did he call me, Jackie. Don’t let me end up with an ass.” You plead quietly in his chest. You feel him sigh softly. 

“C’mon. Sit. I’ll tell you everything. 

After you sit down on the bench similar to the one on your porch Jackie explains what happens out in the woods. 

The Woods 

  “We need to talk.” Joel’s voice is quiet behind Jackie, it startles him slightly but he nods Joel up to his side. Their steps are slow and quiet. They fall into rhythm with each other mindlessly to make less noise. 

“What’s up, man? Everything okay?” Jackie looks down at Joel with concerned eyes. Jackie knew that his ol’lady had been up in the medical center for a while. Jackie just hadn’t known who his ol’lady was. Connie talked about you a lot. Called you Birdie but that’s not what Jackie knows you as. Nope. Now, he’s worried something’s wrong with you the way Joel is talking. 

“That’s up to you.” Joel doesn’t look at Jackie when he talks, just keeps his eyes scanning the woods in front of him. “You still got eyes for Bird or did I make that up yesterday in the church basement? The way you were lookin’ at her?” Joel still doesn’t look up, but his voice is steady and low. Jackie doesn’t really know what to say. “Her cunt was all wet when she left the greenhouse today after seein’ you. You know anything about that?” Joel does look up at Jackie now, to gauge his reaction. All Joel sees is shock.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Joel. I wouldn’t touch her. I know she’s not available.” Jackie whispers after a couple moments of scanning Joel’s face to see if he was going to smile and laugh and slap his back, say just kidding or something but Joel stays stone faced. 

“If she was available you’d touch her though right? See if that pussy tastes the same as it did in high school?” Joel isn’t looking at Jackie anymore, he doesn’t need to look at him. He knows that this handsome young man didn’t touch his Bird in that greenhouse but Joel knows that he wants to. 

“You’re reading way too much into it. We haven’t seen each other in over twenty years, Joel. It was shocking– to say the least– to turn around and see her standing right in front of me. Regardless of what you two got going on now. I did care for her a lot at one point and it is nice to see her.” Jackie explains calmly, also with a steady voice. Both men are poised out here in the dark woods. “I’m not like that kinda guy, Joel. I can care about someone and not want to fuck them.” Jackie isn’t lying. His mom raised him to be a respectful, caring young man. He respects women. Joel is sounding like he doesn’t. Jackie doesn’t like that. Knowing he’s going home to you later. 

Joel doesn’t interrupt or anything. Doesn’t make a sound. Just listening to the confidence in this boy's voice. Jackie waits for a response because he yes, he can care for someone without wanting to fuck them. Sure. But it’s all he’s fucking thought about since he’s seen you. Had to go home and jerk off twice after worship. All knowing you were Joel’s ol’lady. 

“Is all you had to say?” Jackie says after a painfully long bout of silence. Joel chuckles. 

“No.” It’s short and Joel turns his head to look at Jackie and stops walking for the first time since they met up. Jackie stops too and looks down at Joel in the light of the moon. He looks skeptical of Joel and the older man can see it all over Jackie’s face. “She’s mine. I mean it. I’m putting babies inside her. Right before worship I filled her right up to the brim. She had her hands on your arms but my come was leaking out of her pussy. Remember that next time you wanna stroke one out to my cunt. My baby factory. ” And then Joel walks off without another word. 

Jackie is left standing under a giant tree, completely stunned and honestly disgusted that Joel would ever say that about anyone. Let alone you! The first woman Jackie had ever seen completely naked. The image of you with your knees spread, fingers inside of yourself in the backseat of his Dodge Neon the night you ran over your neighbor's mailbox was burned into his brain. Jackie had so much respect for you, the way Joel spoke about you made him angry. 

Once the hunt was over Tommy invited everyone over for a couple of beers before everyone went home, including Jackie. They all sat around the fire and talked about the bounty they had been able to bring in tonight. Tommy got a couple rabbits, big ones. Ken got a deer a couple miles away from the colony and Tommy and Joel had to help him bring it in.

Jackie got a deer too, after the talk with Joel. But he was able to carry it in on his own. They skinned the animals, bled them. Ken stayed back and butchered everything up for tomorrow at the market. There was a big deep freeze he would go put everything in when he was done. Jackie would be showing you how to organize it all for everyone in the community tomorrow. 

Joel’s eyes never left Jackie. Not one time. Even Tommy noticed when he tried to pass him a joint and Joel never noticed. Tommy had to tap him on the shoulder twice. 

Jackie smoked, like to smoke and drink. Eased a little of the trauma he was dealing with himself. Quietly. Eventually, when Jackie had his fill of weed and beer, he said his good nights and headed home. He lived the furthest from Tommy and was going to take his time. He had a lot to think about and was tired of going home to an empty bed.

Joel had followed him out, with a beer in his hand. Jackie cut down towards the medical center, in the opposite direction of the housing tract to avoid talking to Joel again.

Now especially because Joel had been drinking. Jackie sat on the bench outside of the medical center, in front of the park for a while before he decided it was safe to head home. That’s when he ran into you.

“He said all of that?” You cannot believe your ears. No way. Joel wouldn’t speak about you like that to someone else, would he? You clearly don’t know that man at all! Or…Jackie could be lying– but Jackie has never lied to you and Joel is caught in a whole new lie about Ava right now. Jackie just nods his head solemnly. 

“You can stay here tonight– no funny business, really– I’d sleep on—”

“Joel might actually burn your house down if I do that.” You say. There was supposed to be humor wrapped up in those words but no humor came out. Just fear. 

“I was thinking that too. With us in it.” Jackie chuckles softly. “You’ll be alright– going back there tonight?” You nod. You don’t really ever think Joel would hurt you. He might yell at you and call you terrible things but now you know where Jackie lived. You’re honestly surprised Joel hasn’t come looking for you yet. 

“Yeah. I should go home now. Before he comes looking for me.” You chuckle nervously. 

Jacob Harris leans in and kisses you softly. A soft exhale of breath from his nose tickles your upper lip when he touches you, like he had been wanting this. You let out the same exhale from your own nose because it does feel good. It ended as quickly as it had happened and you are left blinking at a blinking Jacob Harris. 

“I’m so sorry.” He whispers. “I don’t know why I did–”

“I have to go.” You stand and limp away as quickly as you can. 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

There is a light on at Ava’s house when you walk by and panic strikes your heart because why is she awake? Did Joel go over there? 

No, he did not. He’s still on the porch. You had been gone for over an hour, close to two honestly and Joel hadn’t moved an inch. 

“Where’d you limp off to for so long?” Joel asked like he already knew. He doesn’t look at you when you stand in front of the door to go inside.

“I ran into Jackie.” You do not lie. Joel’s head snaps to you. “We talked for a while.” You lean against the door frame and cross your arms. Joel’s eyes are locked onto yours and he looks panicked. Like he did in the hospital when the first shots were fired in your direction. When he realized how much blood you were losing. He has those same eyes. 

“What’d you guys talk about?” Joel asks. He doesn’t sound curious. He sounds again, like he already knows. 

“Old times. Being dumb kids.” You don’t really lie. “Talked about our families.” You pepper in some of the conversation from the greenhouse earlier to give it some flavor.

Joel just nods.

“Talked about what you guys shot in the woods.” You drop your tone a little, and make him have to strain to hear you. “Told me what you said.”

Joel chuckles and shakes his head in disbelief. “What’d he tell you? I didn’t see that kid all night. I was with Tommy and Ken most of the night.” Joel rolls his eyes and turns away from you now, looking back out into the front yard.

You nod at him slowly. “What about before that? You didn’t talk to Jackie? Didn’t call me your cunt. A baby factory?” You sneer at him.

Joel shoots up off the bench and is in front of you before you can react. 

“I never fucking said that. I never would say that shit. Anything he said to you was a bullshit excuse to try and fuck you. Don’t be so fucking gullible.” He’s growling. Angrily. 

“You only like it when I'm gullible for the lies you tell me.” You pull away and look up at him. “I believed every fucking word you said to me about Ava. You looked me right in the eyes and said nothing happened. When something clearly did happened. Whether it was before me or not. I had a right to know and you had a very good opportunity to tell me about it and you didn’t.” You’re angry. So angry you could hit him but you keep your emotions level, surprisingly. You did just kiss Jacob Harris and it felt good. 

“So now what? You’re done with me?” Joel doesn’t move when you go for the door handle. 

“I don’t know. Maybe. I’m sleeping upstairs tonight. I’ll never sleep in that bed you fucked Ava on ever again. Never.” You snap at him. That’s exactly what you do too. Upstairs in a little twin bed. 

You don’t cry. You are too busy touching yourself, thinking about Jackie touching you. You wish you had stayed at his house but you knew Joel would have come looking for you eventually. Better to not get caught with your pants down with another man. If you had stayed you would have kept kissing Jackie. You know it in your heart. Your pussy knows it too, it was leaking when you got upstairs. 

The only reason you don’t cry when you’re done coming…twice is because you know you get to see Jackie tomorrow at the market and that makes you excited in a different way. If gives you butterflies in your belly.

Joel is gone and already at work when you wake up in the morning which is unusual, he usually eats breakfast with Ellie in silence but he’s gone. Fine with you. Ellie is still getting ready for school in her room when you come out of the bedroom across the hall. She pokes her head from around the door and gives you suspicious eyes. 

“Joel was snoring so bad last night. Had a couple of drinks at Uncle Tommy’s house after the hunt.” You hate lying to Ellie. It makes your heart heavy.

She seems to believe this so you go downstairs slowly. Your leg is fucking aching. You make Ellie eggs and toast. You leave off Ava’s shit jam. You actually throw it right in the trash. Fuck Ava. Smiling all nice in your face the other day and then touching Joel’s arm?

Fuck. Ava. 

“Are you mad at him?” Ellie asks with eggs in her mouth. You shrug. 

“I’m not exactly happy that you know about all of this.” You sigh and drink your instant coffee. “I don’t know what I feel, Squeak.” You look at her pretty face and smile at her and think about how much you love her. You’d never leave Ellie. Never. 

“Are you going to sleep upstairs again tonight?” It’s like she had time in between seeing you upstairs and coming down here to think about things and not accept Joel snoring as a good enough excuse. 

“I don’t know.” You don’t lie to her again because you don’t know. You don’t really want to, but you meant what you said to Joel about never sleeping in that bed downstairs ever again. Never. “Do you want me to walk to you school?” You flick your eyebrows up at her and she nods excitedly. You change your clothes and brush your hair.

“Do you like school?” You ask as you and Ellie walk hand in hand. “Like really like it? The classes and stuff. I know you like hanging out with your friends. Do you think you learn a lot?” You’re curious about her little life outside of your house. 

“It’s okay. It’s boring most of the time but I like having somewhere to go. Something to do. I do learn a lot. I felt like I learned more on the road with Joel.” She looks down to the gound, “Where was he this morning? He usually walks most of the way with me.” Ellie looks up at you with a hint of sadness in her big brown eyes but mostly she sounds curious. 

“Had to work early. I’m not sure where though.” You passed the bowling alley and they weren’t there on the roof like they had been yesterday. You drop her off at school and all the other parents are waving goodbye. You kiss Ellie’s forehead. “Good choices. Love you. I might be home when you get out. Might not. Dunno yet. Snack and homework. Stay home!” You call to her as she runs to meet her friends. 

Joel and Tommy are at the greenhouse, expanding. You chuckle to yourself when you see them out back behind the market but head inside. Jackie is standing behind the counter, already smiling before you come in. 

“Morning.” Jackie keeps smiling as you come around the counter to stand beside him.

“Mornin’. I’m ready to work. Tell me what to do, boss.” You look up at him with the least amount of lust you can. You try and make your eyes look dead but it doesn’t work because Jackie keeps smiling down at you. He has a clipboard in his hand.

“Everything gets distributed by person. If someone lives in a house alone, they don’t get as much as a family of four. But everyone gets some of everything.” Jackie runs through the list of all the families and households and how much everyone gets by weight. “We have a scale here. You weigh it out. Toss it in a bag, throw it in the fridge. We distribute it as it they come in. It used to be self serve but people kept taking the wrong bags.” Jackie looks down at you as he hands you the clipboard. “You can hold on to that. Come on, I’ll show you how and when we harvest.”

Joel’s eyes are on you as soon as you step outside. Both of you. Tommy has to tell him multiple times to stop looking at you and get back to work. Tommy just think’s that his brother’s got a hard on for his ol’lady but Joel’s thinking about driving a hammer into Jackie’s skull. You can feel it in the way his eyes are burning holes into the back of your head. 

“We harvest as the fruits and veggies come in. Families put down their preference of stuff we’re short on, so we aren’t giving blackberries to a family who would prefer blueberries in a shortage of blackberries. We could be giving those to families whose kids only eat blackberries and won’t touch blueberries. You gotta pay attention— look it says right here..” Jackie stands close to you, so close you can feel the heat radiating off of him. He points to a couple families who have different color asterisk next to their name. Their preferences are color coordinated down at the bottom. 

“I can see why you and Connie need the help.” It’s a lot. Way more than you expected. Not just gardening. 

Jackie heads back inside and this is when Joel finally comes over and stands in front of you as you read the clipboard. You can see him but you don’t look up. He clears his throat and finally, you shoot him a glance.

"What?"

“Knock it off. You still mad?” Joel doesn’t sound like he has time for your attitude and that makes you even more angry.

“Yeah. I am. Are you going to be a dick about it?” You look up at him now and drop the clipboard between you to your side. “You fucked up, what are you mad at me for? Holding you accountable for it?” You narrow your eyes onto his. “I’m still on the fence about you. I don’t know what I want but you’re doing a good job of pushing me over to the other side.” You whisper it to him so that Tommy can’t hear. Or at least hear you yelling at him. 

“What’s waiting for you on the other side, Bird?” Joel’s eyes are softer now. “You don’t know that guy. You think you, do but twenty years went by. I did fuck up by not telling you about Ava, yes. I’ll admit that, but Birdie. I didn’t say any of those things about you in the woods. I swear.” Joel’s eyes never leave yours and they never waver.

Something ticks inside of you, like he might be telling you the truth. 

“Why would he say that then?” You whisper even quieter now. Joel answers almost before you can finish your sentence. In his own strain whisper he leans into your ear,

“Because you’re a beautiful Bird. I’m not the only one who thinks so.” Joel kisses the side of your head quickly before you can pull away. “I mean it, baby. I would never say that shit about you. I like to say that shit to you. Not about you. I’d never talk about you like that. Ever.” Joel does sound like he’s being genuine. Hurt that you would even believe those things. 

“Despite however I feel about that, I still am upset about the whole Ava thing. Real mad and I don’t know how I’m going to get over that. I really don’t. I need some time to think. Really think.”

Joel looks worried as you speak, the worry growing more and more. “Okay. You know where I am when you’re ready. I love you.” Joel leans in and kisses you gently on the lips. You let him. He smells like home. 

You didn’t really listen to Joel last night, you were too upset but now. He has a point. You don’t really know Jackie. At all. You think you do, because he feels like home. But that home is just a memory and not the right now. Joel is your home. Has been since before you got back to Jackson.

The rest of the day goes by alright. Nothing to crazy. All you can think about is what Joel said and now you’re desperate to talk with him. You feel like an ass for believing Jackie right off the jump. He kissed you right after! He was obviously thinking about it! Jackie has reason to lie to! And now you really miss your cabin in the woods. This wasn’t something you’ve ever dealt with as an adult. Not a grown woman! This was child's play! Schoolyard bullshit. Fuck. 

Ellie is home when you get back from work. You give her a big hug, the biggest hug you’ve ever given her and don’t let go until she is pulling away from you with protesting sounds. 

“Mooooooooom, stop. What is wrong? Jeez, almost popped my fuckin’ head off.” She smirks while she grumbles and you sit down across from her at the table. “Did you see Joel today?” She asks softly, like she’s nervous he ran away and left you two. You nod. Ellie’s eyes light up. 

“He’ll be home soon.” You scan her face with your eyes. She’s too grown. Has gone through too much for almost fifteen. You did too for your age, though. It still isn’t fair. “Did you have a good day?”

Ellie runs through every minute of her day from when you left her at the school until you walked through the door.

You smile through the whole thing. 

“Did you have a good first day at work?” She asks, returning to the homework she has in front of her. 

“Yeah. It was good. There’s a lot more to getting food from the market than I thought.” You sigh softly and lean back in your chair. “I need to ask you something and I really don’t want to. But I know you’ll tell me the truth if you know it.” Ellie’s eyes shoot up to yours from the table. “Did Joel ask Miss. Ava to come with you to Salt Lake?” Ellie thinks, you can see it in her eyes; how hard she's really thinking, but she shakes her head quickly from side to side and sets her pencil down on the table gently. 

“She was sad he was leaving. I remember hearing her crying. Asking if she could come and Joel said no.” Ellie looks at you with very serious eyes. “He said to her real loud– I could hear him from upstairs– they both knew it was going to end. She shouldn't have gotten attached."

Oh. Joel asked you to come though. Joel protected the shit out of you too minus the stabbing and getting shot. It’s fine. You wanted to go. Joel kept you alive. Fed you. Snuggled you up in the woods. 

Fuck. Nothing makes sense anymore and might never again. How could two things feel so right at the same time and also so very, very wrong. Kissing Jackie last night did feel good. You don't feel so good about it now. Not at all, actually.

The front door opens and it’s Joel. He walks in silently, gives Ellie and long kiss on the top of the head and goes to the bedroom. You do exactly what he did and follow him. 

“Thought you were mad at me.” Joel says from the bathroom as he gets undressed. It’s fucking hard to stay mad at him when he has no shirt on. Jesus Christ. The man is perfect in every way. 

“I am. For not being honest with me.” You murmur, it's true you are still mad. You have new questions for Joel. “Why’d you ask me to come to Salt Lake?” You drop your eyes to the floor because you feel dumb and don’t know why you’re asking dumb questions. This feels like a dumb question because he told you. He said to you one night shortly after you departed that he was going to “fuck you every night until ya’ll got to where you were going, because he’d be cranking his hard cock thinking of that pussy every night” but that was bedroom talk. You think. “Really, why'd you ask me?” You ask after a minute of silence 

“Bird, look’it me.” Joel says softly. He’s in just his jeans, leaning against the sink. “You’re fun. You make me laugh. We stayed together that last night and havin’ you pressed up against me in your bed– I stayed up all night wonderin’ how I was gonna leave you behind. Watch you get snatched up by someone else?” 

“While you were fucking someone else already?” You like Joel’s answer, but you are still extremely pissed that he wasn’t completely honest with you.

Joel says against the sink, which you’re thankful for because if he came over here, you’d lose all your trains of thought. Lose ‘em or they’d all start crashin’ into each other. Whatever. 

“I was fuckin’ Ava. Yeah. We weren’t dating. I didn’t like her. She just kept comin’ over. Showin’ up with jam and bread, bein’ real nice. Hard to say no to. Specially when you only wanted to see me every—”

“I never set that rule up? That was all–” Joel drops his chin into his chest and looks at you through his lashes. “Did I set that rule up?” It was so long ago you can’t really remember. 

“Yeah, I was gettin’ ready to leave after that first time and you said as I was walkin’ away, wanna meet back here every four days when the sun goes down?” Joel pulls his chin up and looks at you with his big, perfect brown eyes. “Like I said before, I assumed you had a husband, someone you didn’t want me t’know about so I never pressed it.” 

Fuck, it’s coming back to you now. You were so desperate to see him again when he left and he never told you how to find him, you never told him how to find you either so you just called it out over your shoulder. You do remember now. Fuck. You could have been the one here with Joel and not Ava. Fuck. 

“I felt like an asshole once I realized you had been alone out there in the woods the whole time.” Joel runs his hands through his hair. It’s getting a little shaggy. You like it. His facial hair is coming in a little thicker. He did follow you home the night you told him you didn’t in fact stay with the colony and were in the woods alone. 

“Okay. I am sorry for bein–” You start but Joel does take a step towards you and cuts you off.

“Don’t be. You got nothin’ to be sorry for. I was an asshole. I was, really. I told you I am not good at this boyfriend thing but I do not want you to walk away from me.” Joel sounds like he means it.

But you do have something to be sorry for because you did kiss Jacob Harris while you and Joel were still together. 

“Why did Jacob know I was wet after the greenhouse?”

Joel’s eyes fill with panic and he’s back leaning against the counter with his hands over his face, pulling his cheeks down slowly. 

“I might’a talked to him.” Joel admits without looking at you. “I did ask him what happened at that greenhouse, what made you so excited– you were fuckin’ drenched when I saw you yesterday afternoon– you know what he told me?” Joel looks at you now with very serious eyes. You don’t say anything but you continue to stare at him. “He told me that you two kissed.” 

“What!? I didn’t kiss him until after the hunt–” You bite your lips between your teeth and close your eyes and sigh. 

“You did kiss him...” You can’t see Joel’s eyes but you can hear it in his voice that he’s…a mixture of emotions. “You kissed him. Last night?” 

“It was after I had found out about you and Ava! I was mad! I though–”

Joel is in front of you, leaning down so he can be level with you. “Did he kiss you or did you kiss him?” The way Joel is asking makes you nervous. 

“Joel. Does that matt—”

“Yep. Did he kiss you? Lied to you about what I said in the woods, made me look bad, made you not trust me and then he kissed you?” Joel’s voice is gravel. “Told you not to be so gullible, Bird.” Joel leans in kisses you softly and goes back to the shower to finish undressing. 

What? Is Joel not going to kill you and Jackie and bury your bodies in the woods or was he going to shower first? Then kill you guys?

Nothing made sense anymore. Joel finishes undressing and gets into the shower, closes the curtain and then looks out at you. 

“Come talk to me. I can’t really look at you right now, but we’re not done talkin’.” Joel growls and snaps the curtain shut quickly. This makes you sick. That he can’t look at you. “You wanna know what happened out in those woods? I’ll tell you what really happened.”

The Woods 

“We need to talk.” Joel’s voice is quiet behind Jackie, it startles him slightly but he nods Joel up to his side. Their steps are slow and quiet. They fall into rhythm with each other mindlessly to make less noise. 

“What’s up, man? Everything okay?” Jackie asks steadily. Joel had known Jackie since before he had left for Salt Lake. Jackie and a couple guys had done a scouting mission for supplies to Oregon, left a couple weeks before Joel himself left the colony with Ellie and you. Jackie knew that Joel had a woman up in the medical center, Joel talked about you on patrol sometimes. It’s funny to Joel now because Jackie had known you all along.

“That’s up to you.” Joel doesn’t look at Jackie when he talks, just keeps his eyes scanning the woods in front of him. “You still got eyes for Bird or did I make that up yesterday in the church basement? The way you were lookin’ at her?” Joel still doesn’t look up, but his voice is steady and low. Jackie doesn’t really know what to say. “She was soaked after seein’ you at the greenhouse. You get her all warmed up for me?” Joel partially teased. “I don’t want no trouble. I’m wantin’ to start a family with her. We’ve been trying. Tried before worship the other morning.” Joel gives Jackie a knowing look. 

“Alright.” Jackie says, dropping his eyes to the ground in front of him. “We kissed in the greenhouse the earlier. I must’a gott’er all warmed up for you. I’ll keep my distance though, knowin’ she’s your old lady. Keep your eye on her though. She’s a sneaky one. Always has been.” Then Jackie walks away.

Joel tells you almost the same exact story except for what was said. 

“Why didn’t you tell me this last night?” You asked, you had just worked with Jackie all day and honestly, felt like he was pretty nice. Didn’t seem to devious or at least you didn’t think he did. 

“You were angry. I was angry. If I had kept talkin’ I would’a said somethin’ terrible– like I always do– so I just kept my mouth shut and let you go to bed.” Joel says from behind the shower curtain. 

Fuck. This is almost as bad as Ava’s jam. 

“Why does nothing make sense anymore?” You ask Joel running your own hands through your hair now. You could pull it out honestly. It’d probably feel better than the mental turmoil you’re in. You have to make a decision on who to trust and you have to make it soon. You’re going to lose something if you don’t. You can feel it. You think it’ll be that little girl sitting at that kitchen table doing her homework. She calls you mom. Joel lets her call you mom. 

“You’re confused and upset. So am I. I still love you though.” Joel says from behind the shower curtain. “Very much. I’m not forgetting about that even though I am fuckin’ pissed.” Joel does sound a lil mad. He’s also been in the shower longer than you’ve ever seen him be in the shower. 

“I’m sorry.” You whisper. You do feel bad. Not trusting Joel seems so stupid now. He’s home. Wherever Joel is. “I am. Real sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever do it again. I mean it. I was an ass, but I’m workin’ on it. Don’t give me a reason to be an ass again.” Joel shuts the water off and opens the curtain.

You have to try so hard to keep your eyes on his face because this is a serious matter. “I won’t. I don’t even really wanna go back and work–”

“Yes you will. We don’t back down." Joel gets out of the shower and wraps his towel around his waist. "You’ll go work there and you’ll keep your legs closed, like a good girl. You’ll be apart of this community just like I am.” He stands in front of you, bending to be at your level again. “I’ll take care of Jacob Harris.”

You didn’t think he’d come up here. He was quiet at dinner and mostly kept the conversation held with Ellie. You guys played a quiet game of Sorry!, then Joel said he had a headache and was going to bed. You braided Ellie’s hair after her shower and laid in her bed with her for a while. Then you went to bed. You only woke up again when you heard your door opening. 

“I don't like you sleepin' up here,” Joel whispers crawling over you to press himself into the wall as tightly as he can. The room is dimly lit by the moon and stars. His eyes look so worried. "Don't like how different things are."

You’re pressed into him, stomach to stomach. Your hands are squished between the two of you. “Ellie says we look at each other differently.” You explain to him hushed so she can’t hear if she is awake, listening. Observing. She’s apparently really good at that.

“How’s she know?” Joel gives you a pinched brow look. You chuckle softly and let your hand rest on his side instead of being jammed between the two of you. 

“You’d be surprised at what that girl knows, Joel.” His eyes look across your face as you speak, he watches your mouth move, looks into your eyes. 

“She the one who told you about Ava?” He whispers and rolls his eyes. 

“Don’t be mad at her. She’s all fuckin’ confused. She’s going through it right now. I asked. I shouldn’t have done that. I feel bad but I was desperate for answers.” You whisper back to him honestly.

Joel’s brows unpinch and his eyes soften. His arm wraps around your waist gently, he pulls you closer to him than you thought possible. “M’sorry. I really am. I should have told you about Ava, I really should have. I just didn’t see the point in getting you all worked up over someone I didn’t even care about.” Joel sighs and rests his forehead against yours. “I really fell in love with you out there on the road. I really did. I mean it. I don’t ever want to hurt you. I made a lot of really stupid decisions this last week. Real stupid. From fucking you high and lying to you about it, to not telling you about Ava. I fucked up. I don’t blame you for not trusting me.” He sounded sad. A little broken.

You still don’t trust him. Not fully. You feel like you might never trust anyone but Ellie ever again. 

“I don’t want to walk away from this. You’re giving me everything I ever wanted.” Which was true. You got the house and the fence and the kid. You just need a dog and a cat and things will be perfect. “I’m scared. So fucking scared because I don’t know what to believe.” Your eyes start to water. “I’ve never not trusted what was said to me. My dad never gave me a reason to not trust him. I was alone most of my life with just him.” You do start crying now because you realize how naive you really are. “This is the first time I’m in love. And it's with someone I don’t trust and that scares me.” You see the tears start to pool in Joel’s eyes now too. “Love doesn’t just go away when trust disappears.” 

“I hate myself for that.” Joel sighs softly. “I swear nothin’ happened between me and her after we got back. If I wasn’t up at the medical center with you, working on the house, or with Ellie trying to get her situated– I was asleep. Maybe with Tommy. She’d bring jam over and ask for her jars back, Bird.” Joel is pleading. In his tone and his eyes. “If I was ever over there it was just to give them back.”

“But everyone in town knows you guys used to be a thing?” You ask quietly.

Joel pinches his brows again and pulls his forehead away from yours. 

“Nobody should know about that.” Joel shakes his head softly and you can see the gears turning in his head. “She might’a told some people but I didn’t fuckin’ talk about her. We weren’t a thing. We fucked. That’s it.”

Even though you appreciate his honesty, the words make you want to throw up. We fucked. An admission. It makes your stomach do several flips. 

“It’s what Jacob said. Said I should have known because the whole town–” You start but Joel groans softly. 

“Jacob knows I used to fuck Ava because I told him. Fuck! I used to talk about it on patrols and hunts back before he left for Oregon. It was just guy talk– we all did it. Fuck.” Joel grimaces, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“What would you tell them?” You ask nervously. You don’t really want to know, but it would answer some unasked questions you have. 

“Shit, probably the worst of it. None of us talked nice. We all talked like guys. You know how I talk to you in the bedroom? Probably like that? I dunno, why?” Joel looks at you confused, hoping you don’t push for more examples.

“Just the way he talked.” You say softly. You repeat the whole story that Jacob told you on his porch last night. 

“Jesus.” Joel sounds ashamed. "I just wanted him to know how serious we were. I wanted him to leave you alone. Never called you a baby factory..." 

“I hear the truth in your voice. I do. I want to believe you so badly. You’re such a good Dad. It’s so hot. You have taken very good care of me in the short time that I’ve known you. You kept me alive when you could have left me for dead in that hospital. You could have just left me when I asked you to and just gotten Ellie out of there.” You sob softly and Joel holds you close, his fingertips pressing into your skin as you speak. “You kept me alive. Ran through the woods for me. You’re so fucking hot. Fuck, you’re so hot .” You wipe the tears from your eyes and Joel chuckles softly. 

“I love you. More than you’ll ever know. I never thought I’d want another kid. Not of my own. I’ve met a lot of women over the years. None of ‘em made me want a family like you do. None of ’em. I know we’re not doin’ that anymore. But I do want one. Badly. With you.” Joel presses against your forehead with gentleness. “Bird, do you want me to stay here or you want me to go down stairs?” He whispers, giving the tip of your nose a kiss. 

“Stay. Don’t go.” You whisper against his chin gently.

He nods and relaxes his body the best he can. You try but you’re hanging on for dear life. He’s almost pushing you off the bed but you don’t care. Something about the way he spoke to you is comforting. Comforting enough to close your eyes and try to go back to sleep. You know you have to see Jacob tomorrow and that makes you nervous. You thought you could trust him but he makes up lies? Makes them up out of thin air? At least Joel was trying to protect your peace. 

You think. You hope. 

Joel wakes you up softly the next morning with gentle kisses on the side of your face. They’re so soft. Softer than you ever thought Joel could be with you. 

“Gotta wake up. We gotta work. Walk the girl to school as a family .” He whispers against your cheek. “Let’s go. I’ll piggy back you down the stairs.” He smirks as he crawls over you. You climb onto his back and run into Ellie in the little hallway at the top of the stairs. She beams when she sees you two come out of the room together. 

“Hurry up and get ready. I’ll make us breakfast sandwiches.” You call to her as Joel carries you downstairs. 

“I’m workin’ on a new bed. I promise. Might be a couple more days, but I’ll get us one.” Joel explains as he pulls on his dirty work jeans. “We won’t have to look at that thing soon.” He nods towards the bed you two are standing next to. You’re upset because it was a comfortable bed. But you’ll keep your word about it. Never sleeping it in again. 

“You don’t want to just keep sleeping upstairs? In the twin?” You smirk, pulling a long-sleeve shirt over your head. Joel glares at you softly, it makes you chuckle as you pull on your own jeans. 

“My back is fuckin’ screamin’ at me, Bird. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do another night on that thing. Fuck.” Joel stretches, the flannel he’s about to put on is in his hand as he arches his back dramatically. “I’ll sleep on the floor or something.” Joel smiles at you. “I don’t like not sleeping next to you.” 

“I’ll sleep on the floor with you.” You smile back at him and take a step into his open arms. “I’m glad we talked.” 

“Me too. I really dunno what I would have done if you didn’t want me to stay last night. I was s’desperate to be close to you.” He’s whispering in your ear. You know it. He almost cried last night. 

You make breakfast for everyone. You all eat together as a family. Ellie is sweet and talkative this morning. 

“ Dad , do you think once the bowling alley is done, we could all go and you could teach me?” Ellie asks with her big brown eyes locked on to Joel’s. Your eyes flash to his face but he has no reaction. 

“Sure thing, Bug. It’s gonna be a while. Mom wants me and Uncle Tommy to work on expanding the greenhouse first. More veggies for you to eat.” Joel flicks his eyebrows up at her and she smirks. Joel sips his coffee and takes another bite of the egg sandwich. You’re blinking. What is going on? Why is he not jumping up and down for joy? 

You and Ellie walk hand in hand again to school and Joel follows directly behind you guys. Ava is outside getting all the kids through the door when you drop her off. 

“Hey. Good choices, like always.” You kiss Ellie’s forehead. “I love you so much. I’ll see you after school. We can do something fun. I don’t know what but we’ll find something.” You kiss her forehead again. You step back and let Joel give her a pep talk. It’s short and sweet.

“Don’t get into trouble. Love you.” A kiss on the top of her head and he’s pushing her by one shoulder into the school yard. Joel wraps his arm around your shoulder and kisses the top of your head softly. Ava catches your eye and you wave to her and smile warmly as Joel holds his lips to the top of your head. You can feel him breathing you in. She smiles softly, waves and averts her gaze. 

Yeah Ava, go deepest with that, why don’t you?

She turns her back to the two of you like it pains her to see him touching you. Good. You hope it kills her. Joel laces his fingers with yours as you walk to the market together. Your stomach is in knots. You do not want to see Jacob. Not now. Not again, ever. Honestly, you’re glad it happened. It makes you have a little clarity. 

Not really. It confused the shit out of you. Fuck. You don’t like that Joel lied. You don’t like it one bit but he seems to be doing everything he can to keep you around. It’s not like you’re the last woman on earth! Joel could easily find someone else if he wanted to. But he doesn’t want to. Nope. He could have ran right back to Ava when you went on your walk. The way Joel makes it seem Ava would have done anything to get him back in her house. You’re gonna punch Ava. You’ve decided. You’re gonna hit her. Just like you punched Marlene. Punched her right in the fucking mouth and knocked one of her teeth out.

You wonder what tooth Ava likes the most. You’re knocking that one out first. 

Jacob is inside with Connie when you and Joel walk past the big window out front. Joel pulls you to the side of the building, out of their view and kisses you softly. His hands cup and hold your face so gently. Joel presses his lips to yours for so long. He really does smell like home. He smells like your home. Your forever home. 

“I love you, Birdie. So much.” He whispers softly against your lips. “Please don’t forget that. How much I love you, What I would do for you. What I wouldn’t do to keep you safe and close to me.” Joel sounds like he could cry. He’s got you pressed against the brick building so tightly. 

“Did you two not do enough of that this morning? Joel, get off the girl before you put another hole in her leg with that thing.” Tommy says as he rounds the corner. Joel doesn’t move. He stays pressed against you, eyes locked onto yours. 

“I love you.” He kisses you again gently and finally pulls himself away from you. “I’ll walk home with you today if you wait for me.” Joel calls out as he starts to follow Tommy around back towards the greenhouse.

Jacob says not one single thing to you the entire day. You and Connie chat a lot. She talks so damn fast. It makes you dizzy how she bounces from one subject to the other. Jacob must be done for the day. You don’t see him after he walks outside with his jacket on.

“He’s been such an ass all day. He was fine this morning when we got here.” Connie says absentmindedly. Hm. Interesting. “So, how did you meet Joel?” Connie asks, resting her elbows on the counter. 

“I was out hunting one day and we just bumped into each other. Literally. We just hit it off after that.” Connie smiles at you while you speak. 

“It’s nice he found someone. He always seemed so lonely last time he was here. I only ever saw him with Tommy. I know Ava used to have a big thing for him. She was real broke up when he left.” She’s speaking so fast and you wish she would just slow down a little bit. Just a teeny bit. 

“Ava?” You cock your head to the side like you might be hearing this for the first time. Just a little lie, Connie doesn’t need to know that you already know about it. She nods and gives you a sympathetic smile but it doesn’t last long. She has her hand on your arm and is squeezing gently. 

“Not like you have anything to worry about, God no. Joel is obsessed with you. Like…obsessed. I’ve never heard a man talk about a woman so much in my life. And it’s always so nice. I felt like I knew and liked you before you even woke up.” She smiles and keeps her hand on your arm, squeezing. 

“How did you know that Ava had a thing then?” You give her a pinched, squinting look and she laughs and slaps your arm gently. 

“Cause she’d follow him around everywhere. Always offerin’ him that nasty fuckin’ jam she makes—”

“I hate her jam too. So much.” You smile and start laughing. Connie does too. 

“It’s not even sweet. It tastes like shit.” Connie sticks her tongue out and gags. It makes you laugh harder. 

“So…Joel didn’t… like Ava or anything?” You ask as nonchalantly as you can. Connie shakes her head no and looks at you with distaste. 

“God no. We’d have big get togethers and she’d follow him around and try to stand next to him but he’d try all night to stay away from her.” Connie laughs while she’s talking like she’s remembering how stupid Ava must have looked. “She seemed real desperate. Must’a turned him off. She’s real pretty but…she was desperate. Now look’it you. Went an’ snatched him right up.” Connie smirks and looks at you through her lashes. “Lucky duck– nothing funny or anything, I ain’t like that— Joel is cute though. You must feel real lucky, specially with such slim pickin’s.” Connie sounds sad. You feel sad for her now too.

“I appreciate you telling me that. About Ava and Joel.” You smile at her and place your hand on top of hers. “I really do.” Connie smiles real wide and squeezes your arm again. 

“Oh of course! I don’t got many friends in the colony. Not many women our age. Couple. I’d be nice to have someone to talk to besides Jacob.” She sighs loudly and looks out the window. “Someone’s waitin’ for you.” She points over your shoulder. It’s Joel. You look at the clock on the wall and you should have left a half hour ago. You ended up waiting for Joel without even meaning to. You were going to, regardless but you made a friend in the process. 

“We’re closed on Wednesdays so you don’t have to come in tomorrow unless you wanna do some gardening.” Connie says as she pulls her hand from your arm. “Come garden whenever! We don’t mind it at all.” 

“Thanks, I might come with Joel and work on the flower beds.” You say, walking backwards towards the door. She clasps her hands together tightly. 

“That would be amazing!” She cheers as you walk out to meet Joel. 

“Gorgeous girl.” Joel wraps one arm around your waist. “Have a good day?” He looks down at you while you walk together. 

“I did. Did you?” You look back up at him and smile because his big brown eyes are the best. You love them. Even if you’re still a little hesitant. 

“I woke up next to my lady. Walked– Did you hear what she called me this morning? I almost fuckin’ forgot ‘cause I was so fuckin’ on edge about seeing that prick this morning. She called me Dad . Did you hear it?” Joel is gushing like you’ve never seen. He never gushes like this. “Called me Dad . Holy shit. Damn. It felt good. I liked it.” Joel is beaming. You’ve never seen him so happy. “You don’t mind that I cal–”

“She called me Mom the other day after worship.” You whisper as he stops you in the middle of the sidewalk, wrapping his arms under yours, you place your hands on his chest. He gives you a confused look. It’s been two days since worship and she’s called him Joel plenty since then. “She was nervous to call you Dad. Thought it might upset you, ‘cause of Sarah.” You kiss him softly on the lips but he doesn’t kiss you back. He’s lost in thought. 

“You talked to her about this?” Joel asks finally after a minute. You nod and he releases you, taking your hand again. “You told her to call me Dad?” He’s confused. You shake your head no and chuckle. “I asked why she didn’t. Asked for my advice– did she not talk to you first?” You ask Joel looking up at him. He shakes his head no. “Didn’t take my advice. But yeah, she wanted to. Just didn’t wanna bum you out.” 

“Bum me out? I love her so much. I love that she calls me that. Holy shit. I’ve been buzzin’ about it all day, Bird. All day.” He squeezes your hand gently. “That and getting to sleep next to you tonight.” 

This is what you want. With Joel and Ellie. All of this feels so right and so good. It almost pushes all the distrust right out of your brain but then you walk past Ava’s house. 

“I hope she chokes on her shitty bread.” You say out loud. Joel laughs loudly and pulls you into his chest 

“Christ. We gotta real bad Bird here. Jesus .” He continues to laugh and holds your head against his chest as you walk up the driveway to your own house. “That’s terrible , Bird.” He’s still chuckling. “You need a spankin’ f’that.” He whispers into your ear as you open the door. Ellie is at the table doing her homework. She smiles bigger than she did this morning when you come in the door all over each other. Joel’s kissing the side of your face, his hands on your hips.

“Hi, Squeak. Did you have a good day?” You and Joel both walk to Ellie at the same time. Joel stands on one side of her, you stand on the other. Without having talked about it first, you and Joel give her a kiss on the side of the head and hug her tight. You press your forehead into her temple gently. “Love you, kid.” You whisper into her ear. Joel whispers something in her other ear but you don’t hear what he says. 

It’s later. After dinner and you and Ellie are in her bed. She’s looking at you but you’re on your back, looking at the ceiling. When she talks, she whispers. 

“You’re not going to leave?” She sounds like she could start crying. You turn your head to look at her and shake your head no silently. “You’re not mad at him?” You keep shaing your head no. “You’re not mad at me?” She does start crying now and she curls her knees up into her stomach. 

“Squeak, no. I’m not mad at you at all. Neither one of us is.” You whisper, wrapping her up in your arms. “You did the right thing telling me. Not lying. Joel and I needed to have a talk. You were right, things have felt weird. Different.” She opens her eyes to look up at you, but she’s still weeping softly. “We needed to talk. And you helped us do that– you shouldn’t have had to. Not one single bit.” You press your cheek to her forehead. “It’s really fucked up that you got dragged into this.” It is, it’s super fucked up that you asked her anything about Joel. At all. You know it. But you were desperate. So desperate for some kind of truth. It made Joel give it to you. It’s still fucked up. 

“I thought you were going to leave us.” Ellie sobs softly. 

“Ellie, look’it me.” You pull your head away from hers and hold her chin in your hand. “There is not a single thing in this world that could keep me away from you. Not one single thing.” You whisper it to you, staring into her eyes so she knows you’re serious. “I would wage war on anything that tried to keep me from you, do you understand that? I will never leave. Ever.” You’re doing everything in your power to make her understand how much you actually mean that. 

“Promise?” Ellie still has tears in her eyes but she has stopped weeping. You nod.

“Keeping you safe and happy is my biggest priority. Will be until the day I die, Squeak.” You whisper softly. 

You hold Ellie like that until she falls asleep and then you sneak out of her room. She isn’t going to want you to do that forever so you’ll do it for as long as she’ll allow it. Joel is in the room across the hall on the floor. Every single blanket in the house is underneath him. 

“She asleep? Sounded like she was cryin’ in there. She okay?” Joel asks as you crawl into the blankets next to him. It feels like when you were on the road. 

“Yeah. She was just a little stressed. Thought I was going to leave.” You run your hands through your hair as you sit cross legged next to him. “Do you wanna smoke, like a tiny little bit?” You can barely get the words out before Joel is up off the floor and running downstairs. He’s so fucking cute. When he returns he shuts the door and opens the window next to the bed. He pats the seat beside him. 

“You made her feel better?” Joel asks about Ellie once the joint is lit and passed between the two of you once. You nod and watch him smoke. “Good. I like that you make her feel safe. Make me feel safe knowin’ she has you.” Joel passes you the joint again.

“I love her.” You look at Joel as you smoke. “I didn’t think I’d ever love a kid that didn’t come out of me so much before.” You mean what you say because you didn’t think this kind of love for someone was possible if you didn’t actually birth them. 

“I know what you mean.” Joel has something to compare his love for Ellie to. You don’t.

Not yet at least.

“I fucking love you.” Joel is on his hands and knees and you’re kneeling beside him, with an old electrical cord in your hand. 

“You sure do. Have you been a bad boy?” You ask mockingly, taking a fistful of his hair in your hand. He nods. “Say it. Use your words.” You spank him softly with the tips of your fingers. He jumps at your touch. 

“I have been real bad.” Joel sniggers as you caress his bare ass with the curve of the electrical cord. You have the cut end and the plug in your hand and it leaves a perfect teardrop shaped whip in your hand. “So bad.” Joel is loving this. 

“And you should be punished for what you did, yeah?” You drag the cord up his naked asscheek now and you see goosebumps rise on his flesh. It’s not even cold in here! Joel!

Freaky-freak. 

“Oh yeah. I need a real good whippin’.” Joel sounds too excited for this. You dislike it now. He should be nervous. You bring the cord back and bring it down quickly onto his bare ass. He lets out a sound between a groan and a giggle softly. It wasn’t hard enough to hurt that bad, but he definitely felt it. Knows what’s coming. You grip his hair tighter, pushing his head forward. 

“Is something funny?” You bring the whip down harder on his bare flesh. This pulls a sound out of him, that’s for sure. Sounds like a small whimpered hum. “Hmmm? Still funny?” You whisper softly, leaning down to kiss the side of his face gently. Joel just hums softly, dropping his head but you pull him back up by the hair. “Use your words, baby.” 

“Nothin’s funny.” Joel’s so throaty when he says it, it makes you ache between your legs. 

“Call me Ma’am.” You caress him with the electrical cord again and he shivers. 

“Nothin’s funny, Ma’am.” He growls up to you softly. He likes this. 

“Ask me for another.” Your grip in his hair tighter, you throttle him softly, pushing his head forward and then pulling it back towards you gently. “Beg me for it.” Joel sighs softly and you can feel him chuckle, even though you don’t hear him. It makes you smirk too because you’ve definitely never done this before. Never ever this. You’re basically just copying everything Joel has ever said to you. “I said fucking beg me, are you fucking deaf? Stupid? Which is it?” You bring the whip down hard on his ass again. Joel pulls his hips away from you, but you pull his head back and lead him to where you want him. “Deaf or stupid?” You ask softly, tapping his now slightly red behind with the cord softly. Over and over again. 

“Stupid, Ma’am.” Joel snickers out. You can’t help but let out a little giggle either. It’s fun. “And I would love another. You can do it harder, Ma’am. I can take it.” Joel sounds eager so you give him what he wants, but you tease him first and drag the loop of the cord up the back of his thighs. This makes Joel sigh softly in anticipation. 

“Say thank you when I’m done.” That one was all you. Joel’s never told you to say thank you. You raise the cord over your head and hold it there. You can see Joel tense for it. His muscles contracting under the pale skin of his bare ass. You smirk and have to bite your lips between your teeth to keep from laughing. It’s too cute. You wait until he’s not tense anymore, he tries to look back at you but you push his head forward at the same time as you bring the loop down on his unsuspecting flesh. You had been spanking him across his whole ass. Now you focus it on the cheek closest to you. It’s the hardest you’ve hit him tonight. Joel doesn’t even flinch.

“Thank you Ma’am.” Joel hisses through clenched teeth. Then he’s up. You don’t even realize what’s happening until his hands are on your waist. “You like spankin’ me? I think you liked it too much.” He’s tickling you. Really tickling you. 

“Joel. No. Stop. Joel, I– St– Jo–” It’s too much. He’s moving his hands too fast for you to grab on to them and try to push them away. Not like it would do anything, he’s so strong. You’re not weak. Not at all. But Joel could overpower you so quickly if he really wanted to. It doesn’t scare you the way it would have when you had just gotten home from the hospital. 

“What? Ya can handle a couple whips across the ass but can’t handle a couple tickles? Are you a wuss or somethin’?” Joel teases you as he lifts you easily, his hands around your waist and quite literally body slams you on the tiny twin bed. You bounce gently and he’s between your legs, looking down at you. His hands on your knees as he knees in front of you.

“What? You gonna keep tickling me?” You stick your tongue out at him but he just shakes his head no softly and you watch as his eyes scan your face. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” You ask, you can feel yourself sinking into the mattress insecurely. His smile is gone, his eyes are so intense. 

“Just thinkin’ about how lucky I got. So many times.” Joel leans down, presses his lips to the spot right below your right eye. He continues to speak, but it’s whispered against your cheeks and the bridge of your nose between kisses. “Lucky I met you. Lucky you said yes to comin’ with me. Lucky you kept wantin’ to sleep with me on the road. Lucky you survived. Lucky Ellie loves you. Lucky you’re still here. I don’t know what I did.” Joel kisses the same spot but under your left eye. His beard tickles your cheek softly when he does it. “I can be a mean bastard. Lucky you still want to be with me. You put up with me. Patient with me.” Joel’s back to memorizing your features. 

Joel had done that already– memorized your face– sometimes when you slept while you were on the road but mostly when you didn’t even know he was looking at you. He does it all the time. Loves to look at you. Loves to see the way your face lights up when you smile, talking to Ellie. Loves when you furrow your brows when you get upset. The small, soft lines around your face when you frown. Joel loves every inch of you.

“I love you.” You whisper up to him. 

“I love you, too.” Joel kisses the corner of each of your eyes. “I’m sorry for making you cry. I hate that I was ever the cause of your tears. Stress. I can’t stop thinkin’ about it. ‘Bout what you said,” Joel whispers, he lays down beside you. He’s talking so much. You have so much you want to say but you want to see where this is going to go, unprompted. “Loving me but not trusting me. That bothers me . I want you to be able to trust me.” Joel kisses your lips now, quickly but gentle. “I told you that I am not good at this. So I might need your help, tellin’ me what I can do. Keep talkin’ to me. That helps me. I can’t figure you out if you don’t tell me what’s goin’ on in your head, Bird.”

“You better never, ever fucking lie to me ever again.” You stare at him, gaze unwavering. “And you should think real hard right now if there was anything else you forgot to tell me or kept from me to keep me from being upset. If it happened, it happened. I get the choice on how I react to the truth. You don’t get to decide if or what I should know. I tell you everything, you tell me everything.” You nod at him. He sighs and nods. 

“If we’re bein’ honest…Ava had… some feelings for me. She wanted to be a thing. I didn’t. She wanted to come to Salt Lake. I said no. The next time I was with you I asked you to come. I had been thinkin’ about it since you told me you weren’t with the colony.” Joel rubs his hand across your stomach and circles your belly button with his index finger. “Ava and I haven’t talked ‘bout nothin’ besides you, Ellie, school and jam. I promise. We didn’t even talk about what happened before I left. It’s old news. She knows your my–”

“Don’t be so gullible .” You roll your eyes at him. “You’re either gullible or lying to me again. She knows I’m your old lady. It’s not old though. Not to her. You left her broken-hearted and show up two months later with an ol’lady? She’s pissed. ” Joel waves his hand at you like you are crazy. “Hey– a woman doesn’t touch a man she doesn’t want to sleep with. She had her hand alllll over your arm at worship. I left so quickly because I was gonna bite each one of her fingers off and then spit them back at her, the way you showed me.” You point at him. He laughs, a real belly laugh, and shakes his head at you. 

“Bird!” Joel sounds like he can’t believe you’d say something like that. 

“Don’t Bird me. You said you’d kill someone for touching me. It goes both ways.” You’re serious. More serious than you thought you’d be if and when you ever said that to him. But you’re so serious. It scares you a little. 

“Oh?” Joel looks at you with raised eyebrows and tilts his head to the side. “Big Bad Bird gonna do whatever it takes to protect her family?” Joel sounds slightly teasing in his tone. You don’t like this because you’ve already given almost all your blood you had inside you…to protect this family before they were even really your family. You press your index finger against his chin and tilt his head so he’s looking right at you. 

“This is the first time in my life I have something to protect that isn’t a crotchety old man on the verge of dying. You or my dad. I love that girl with everything that is inside of me. You hurt me–” You pause because you didn’t really think this through. You just started talking. “I’d take her—” Joel tries to protest but you cover your hand over his mouth and press into him. “I mean it. I’d take her. She doesn’t need to be raised by a man who doesn’t respect women or treat them right.” Joel’s eyes scan your face as you’re speaking. “If you hurt me again… I’ll kill you.” You’re staring at him. “And if Ava’s the one you hurt me with… I’ll kill her too.” Joel doesn’t react. He doesn’t say anything. He stares at you for a moment taking in your very serious words, then he nods. Silently. “Good boy.” You remove your hand and kiss his lips softly. “I love you.”

Now Joel is the one who looks scared! Good! He should be scared because holy shit, you’re scared too! Where the fuck did that come from!? One minute you were spanking your boyfriend, the next minute you’re threatening him with the loss of his life and his past lover… so. That went exponentially well. If we’re being honest. You know. Spanking. Lil murder talk for some flavor. Now Joel should be rock hard, ready to go. 

“I love you too.” Joel whispers, his eyes still scanning your face. “You’re so fucking hot.” Joel chuckles after a minute. “I don’t ever wanna hurt you, Bird. Ever.” He’s smiling and wrapping his arms around you. “Let’s go to bed. We got work to do in the morning. Walking our daughter to school. I like that.” He nuzzles into your neck and kisses under your jaw. You tilt your head up to give him easier access to your skin. His lips and facial hair feel so good. So good. 

You know what happens next. 

The next morning, you fly through your morning routine. You’re going to the greenhouse today to garden. Mostly to watch Joel work. You don’t ever get to watch him in action. You’re actually more excited to see him do what he’s best at than to do anything in those flower beds. 

Ellie’s waiting at the front door for you with her hand outstretched. You place your hand in hers, Joel takes his place behind you and you make your way to drop Ellie off. She swings your arm back and forth with hers as you walk. It makes you smile. You look at the braids she let you put in her hair this morning after her shower. 

“Miss. Ava needs to talk to you guys. They’re doing parent teacher conferences.” Ellie explains as you round the corner to the school.

“I got work, Bug.” Joel says from behind you two. Ellie turns around, shakes her head no and gives him annoyed eyes like he should know that they aren’t going to conference this morning. 

“She just needs to tell you when they are. All the kids' parents go in on different days.” She rolls her eyes like she’s fed up with him. It's seven am. She’s been around him for maybe a half hour. You love Ellie so much. 

“Yea, c’mon, Joel. Get with the picture. Jesus .” You snap back at him, rolling your eyes like Ellie. He gives your ass a soft smack. 

“Gross.” Ellie. “I liked it better when you two just finger fucke–”

“Ellie! It’s not called that. That’s not what wanting to hold hands means.” You put your free hand over her mouth. “It’s just wanting to hold hands.” You and Joel are inconsolable with laughter.

“Then what does finger fucking mean?” Ellie asks, it’s muffled because your hand is still over her mouth and she’s twisting her head trying to get free. 

“Don’t worry about it. Just don’t call it that anymore, Nerd.” Joel sighs, wiping the laughing tears from his eyes. You guys enter the schoolyard and Miss. Fucking Ava comes running over in her cute cardigan and her long skirt. You hope she trips on it. 

“Joel… Birdie.” She smiles at the both of you. You smile back just as nice. It’s dripping off the corners of your mouth. The niceness. “We’re doing parent teacher conferences this month. Do you guys think you could come in toni–” You don’t even let her finish the sentence. 

“Yes! I’ll be here tonight.” You smile even harder now because Joel does patrol on Wednesday’s so he will be sleeping after he gets home from work to prepare for his overnight patrol shift. He will not be able to come. 

“I gotta patr–” Joel tries to interject but you snap your head up to look at him. 

“You are so busy. All the time, like monday and wednesday and then you work.” You put one hand on his chest and look back at Ava. “I’ll be back here tonight.” You keep smiling at her, eyes slightly squinted. “I’m so excited.” Ava seems a little… disappointed. “Can’t wait.” You have to keep talking because she’s just the worst and you’d tell her if there weren’t thirteen teenagers and a handful of little kids all around. You would. Tell her right with your fist. 

“I’ll see you guys around. Have a good rest of your day.” Miss. Ava smiles. You catch her looking at Joel a little too long. Her eyes linger on his arm around your shoulder. You snake your arm around his waist and stare at her, smiling. She nods at the both of you.

“Thanks, Ava. We’ll see you around.” Joel smiles politely. 

“So…you’re going to do this thing by yourself?” Joel asks, putting his hand in the back pocket of your jeans as you turn to walk away from the school. You hope Ava is still watching.

“Yep. Sure am. I am fully capable of relaying everything she tells me to you.” You avoid his eyes because he’ll know what you’re up to, if he doesn’t already. 

“That'll be all you’re gonna talk about, right? Ellie and school? “Cause that’s what you’re going there for. Don’t forget that. Issues you have with her shouldn’t be gettin' brought up. You wanna talk to her about anything that happened between us, I won’t stop you. But you won’t do it at Ellie’s school.” Joel sounds serious. He’s being a good Dad. 

Sonofabitch. 

He’s right. If you’re gonna lay Ava the fuck out it can’t be at Ellie’s school. It also doesn’t make sense to do it after the fact. You will wait to punch Ava until she does something stupid. It doesn’t seem like it will take her long.

“I know. I’m just trying to be an active parent. A good Mom. You know. Things good moms do.” You’re rambling and maybe lying a little.. Trying to stay talking about nothing until you get to the greenhouse so that you can further avoid him and his curious eyes. You did just tell him last night you would kill him. And Ava. So, he is probably a little concerned. But it’s not going to come to that! No! Because you trust Joel. You don’t think anything has happened since you got back from the hospital. You can feel it in your bones, you think. That or you’re willing it to be true; you don’t want to kill Joel. Not at all.

You would kill Ava though. 

Not for fucking Joel before. No. That was Joel. All him. But you came back. You were laid up in that hospital bed for almost six weeks. Joel was running all around town telling everyone how excited he was to bring you home. Connie is proof of that. Ava still came around with her ass jam and her bricks of bread. Still touched on your Joel . Right in front of you. 

Jacob Harris might have been your only boyfriend over twenty years ago. But you fought Ashley Benson in the hallway one day when you found out she invited him to her house after a football game once. Ashley Benson had to have her nose job redone when you were finished with her. You’ll fight Ava for the man you want to be your husband one day. You sure will. It might not be at Ellie’s school, but it’ll happen if Ava ever sniffs around Joel funny ever again. 

The market is locked up but the greenhouse has an entrance from the back, Joel follows you inside after saying good morning to Tommy. 

“I really don’t mind if you have something you wanna say to Ava. I’m sayin’ something to Jacob next time I see him. Don’t do it at school.” Joel warns with a pointed index finger. “I mean it.” Joel presses his lips to yours. You kiss him back gently. “I love you. Come talk to me when you get bored.” 

Then he walks away with his perfect ass that you got to spank last night for the first time and you know he’s still got a nice teardrop shaped welt on his left butt cheek from it. Sonofabitch. You love him. You wonder what he’s got to say to Jacob– Jackie. It feels gross calling him Jackie now. It’s not Jackie he’s Jacob. You don’t know him like you thought you did, so now he’s Jacob Harris the stranger. 

You do a little work around the greenhouse. Tidy. Clean up the garden beds and weed them as much as you can. Water what looks like it needs it. Nothing needs to be harvested, just pruned. You enjoy this. It was something you did with your grandma before the outbreak. She had a huge flower garden in her backyard. You’d spend most of your summers with her in Chesapeake Bay. You miss her more than anyone else. 

“What’re you day dreamin’ about, Birdie?” Joel’s voice pulls you away from the sandy beach and salty misty memories and back into the greenhouse.

“A beach.” You sigh and look up at Joel. He towers over you. “With you and Ellie.” You smile up at him and wipe your hands on your jeans. 

“Oooh. A beach vacation?” Joel extends a hand to help you up. 

“If it wouldn’t take us three months to get there- put our lives and limbs at risk, and then also three months to get back, I’d say let's leave right now.” You do let out a small groan when you get up.

Your leg hurts. Still. You’ve only been out of the hospital now for almost three weeks? You don’t remember. That first week was so damn blurry because of the weed. Leg hurts. Doctor says it’ll probably hurt for a couple months while the muscle tries to fully heal. Keeping active and working it out will help. You’re trying to do those things, but you ache. It hurts. 

“You going back to the school? Ellie should be home already.” Joel kisses your forehead as you stand. 

“Did the whole day go by? I was going to go home and change first. Shit.” You had gotten all wrapped up in your memories of ice cream on the beach with your grandma. Shit. Now you have to go back to the school looking like you gardened all day. While Miss. Ava sits in her cute sweater and skirt. So fancy. Fuck off, Ava.

“You’re fine. Stink a lil.” Joel shrugs his shoulders and you give him a whack on the chest softly. “I’m kiddin’. Go. I have to go home and fuckin’ nap. I gotta sleep in the big bed. The floor, the twin. Fuckin’ killin’ me, Bird.” Joel does have his hand on his lower back like he is in pain. 

“Sleep in your disgusting shame, dirty talkin’ sex bed then. I don’t care. I’m not sleepin’ in it though.” You cross your arms over your chest and turn your nose up to him. Joel chuckles at you. 

“Hey.” Joel tries to get your attention but you don’t look at him. “Psst. Bird.” Joel does it again and you look at him out of the corner of your eye. “She wasn’t as fun as—”

“I don’t want to hear it!” You whack his chest now with the back of your hand. “Ugh. Stop! I gotta go look at the woman.” You roll your eyes. Joel’s laughing like he’s so funny. 

“She wasn’t!” 

“I’ll punch you in the dick so fucking hard all thoughts of a family are off the table.” You growl. It’s a little funny but he’s getting to much enjoyment from the redness forming behind your cheeks. Joel covers his groin with one hand and takes a step back. 

“I mean it. Why do you think I asked–” He’s still laughing, still thinking this is hilarious. You grab a pile of dead flowers and leaves next to you and toss it at him. They go everywhere and land in his hair, on his shoulders. 

“I’m biting it. Next time you try and go deepest or whatever you did–”

“Deep-throat? Face fuck? What do you mean when you say going deepest? I’ve never heard that.” Joel has tears in his eyes. 

Deepthroating! That makes so much more sense. Okay. Did Joel come up with that? Incredible. 

“Is that what you did that one time? Fucked my face deep-throat style? You ask seriously.

This almost puts Joel’s nearly six foot frame on the ground. He’s leaning against one of the raised garden beds. The tears are rolling down his cheeks. He’s trying to talk but words won’t come out of him. You don’t know why it’s so funny. You don’t find it as funny as Joel does. 

“I’m goin’ t’pass out.” Joel wheezes. You tap your foot in annoyance and cross your arms over your chest. You are trying not to smile because his laugh and smile is infectious. “D-Deepthroat s-style.” He’s coughing now. Apparently, laughing so hard it made him choke.

You’re not going to help him. You don’t even offer a comforting pat on the back. “Are you almost done? I have to go talk to your old girlfriend.” You ask dully.

This does end the laughter. The coughing continues but Joel tries to talk through it. 

“Not— my girlfr— friend.” Joel is coughing , coughing.

Good.

You hope he coughs so hard he throws up. Like you almost did getting deep-throated.

“That makes it…not better. Not even a little. So. I’m gonna go. Love you so much. Don’t choke to death.” You say taking backwards steps towards the door that leads outside. “Have a goodnight on patrol tonight. Try not to get locked up in that one jail cell we got for murdering Jacob Harris.” You joke.

Joel’s head snaps up to you and the coughing stops suddenly. What just happened. 

“Don’t say stuff like that, Bird.” Joel shakes his head no softly. “Don’t ever say that again, you understand me? Not as a joke or nothin’. Understood?” Joel clears his throat as he takes two large steps towards you and is pinning you against a wooden table in the greenhouse “I mean it. Don’t. Don’t put the idea in people’s heads. Don’t.” Joel whispers it to you gently. 

“Are you goin–” Joel puts a very soft, very carefully placed hand over your mouth. 

“Don’t ask questions. Don’t talk about this ever again. You understand me?” Joel is so serious. You nod silently. “You thought I was full of empty threats? I mean what I say, Bird."Joel removes his hand and kisses you softly on the lips. You never take your eyes off of him. "Do you?"

Um. Holy fucking shit. Not only are you terrified– there's basically a water-park in your panties. Something is wrong with you. You need to be evaluated by professionals because that would make a normal person run away in the middle of the night to never be seen or heard from again. Right? Like his ex-wife? But you’re drenched. It’s soaking the front of your panties right now and if Joel didn’t need a nap and you didn’t have to go talk to the desperate jam wench he used to fuck, you’d let him bend you over right here. 

“I love you. Come lay down with me when you get home if Ellie is being anti-social.” Joel kisses your lips softly and then he leaves again. With his cute butt and his sexy…worrisome words.

What does that mean? Do you? 

Does Joel have something to be worried about? Do you have to kill him? Are you going to find out terrible, horrible, gut wrenching news at this parent teacher conference? 

There has to be a word for what you’re going through right now You’re sure that if the outbreak never happened you would know what the word was. But you don’t. There’s a lot of words you don’t know. It makes you feel dumb sometimes but you’re not stupid. You might be. You are sleeping with someone who maybe just admitted to murder in the first degree. A murder that had been planned. The way he spoke made it seem like he had been thinking about this.

The school is empty and Ava is waiting at the entrance for you. She waves and smiles. You mirror her. 

“Hi! You were in the greenhouse today, I can tell!” She looks down at your dirty pants and you wonder if that’s enough reason to punch her but you don’t think it is. 

“Oh yeah. Making sure all the produce and flowers are taken care of. I love to garden so I ended up spending all day there with Joel while he and Tommy expanded the greenhouse for the market.” You very casually pepper in the fact that you were with Joel all day. 

“That’s awesome. I heard Connie talking about it at the bar the other night.” Ava explains as she leads you into the school. “It’s awesome that Joel and Tommy are doing that. Putting the bowling alley in hold and everything.” She looks down at you since she is taller than you, and smirks, “Must’a worked your magic to get that done quicker, huh?” 

You wanna tell her you slobbered all over Joel’s monster dick to get him to come do that for you but you didn't. You just asked nicely and then fought about the woman next to you. So you don’t say that. 

“Oh yeah. Batted the eyelashes, turned on the puppy dog eyes. The man cannot resist.” That was even better. Ava says nothing as she turns into the classroom she teaches out of. 

“Let’s talk about Ellie.” She smiles as she sits behind her desk. There isn’t even a chair for you. You have to sit at a students desk like one of her pupils. You do it, even though you don’t like it. You wonder if other parents had to sit at desks. You look around the room and there are actual chairs to sit in. For adults. With no desk attached to them.

“You lead the way.” You smile nicely, waiting for her to say something about Ellie. “She turns all her homework in and everything?” You ask, waiting for her to say something while she flips through papers on her desk. Ava’s head flicks up at you. 

“Oh yeah. Ellie is one of my best students. Her homework is always done. She asks questions, participates without having to be asked. She is a gem.” Ava explains as she pulls a piece of paper from the rest of the stack. “I’m just a little concerned about her.” Ava hands you the piece of paper. “I’m honestly glad it’s just you. Joel might not understand.” 

The paper in front of you is a poem.

Weight on chest, salty waters in eye. Drowning. Sleeping. Sick feeling inside.  His voice. Your voice. Tangled in one.  Flesh ripping. Soul searing.  Hurting ones I love. 

You have to read it three times. Ellie’s name is written up at the top. 

“We did a poetry lesson last week and this is what she turned in. She got an A. It’s beautiful. Made me cry. But, she’s almost fifteen and I know you and Joel haven’t been with her for long. I just wonder what she went through before–” 

“She dealt with some stuff on our way to Salt Lake. I’ve talked to her about it. I’ll keep talking to her, make sure it’s not eating her up too bad.” You read the poem again. “Can I keep this? I’d like to keep it, if that’s okay.” Ava nods and you fold it twice and put it in your pocket. “How else is she? Good in class? Doesn’t get into trouble?” 

“Well… I do have to talk to her and Dina everyday. No matter how far I sit them apart from each other, they find a way to talk and chit chat. Pass notes.” Ava gives you a knowing look. “It’s innocent but can be distracting. They both have good grades in my class but it causes the other kids to struggle sometimes.” 

“I’ll be talking to her about that.” You nod your head and rest your elbows on the desk. “Dina a good kid? Anything I should be worried about?” You ask curiously because you don’t know Dina at all. Haven’t met her parents or caretakers at all.

“Oh no. Dina is a pleasure. Polite and very smart. She’s a very good kid. Someone you’d want Ellie to be friends with.” Ava is gushing about Dina. Which is nice but Dina might become more than Ellie’s friend…and now you’re sick. Oh shit. This never occurred to you before. At least Ellie is only fifteen— NO! No!! You remember what YOU were doing at fifteen and now you might actually be sick. Shit. 

“That’s amazing to hear. We love Dina in our house.” You say nervously because now you wonder what Ellie and Dina do when they hang out. Oh my God. Having a kid isn’t fun. Not at all. Stressed out. You’re so stressed out and wanting to throw up but you’re holding it back. 

“Yeah, she’s great.”

You meet with Ellie’s one other teacher. A much older woman who goes by Ms. Babs. She’s great. She said Ellie is her favorite and then only wanted to talk about Joel. 

“He’s so handsome. So nice too. Always so willing to help.” She’s walking you out of the school. You think if anyone besides Ms. Babs spoke of Joel in this fashion you’d be jealous but she’s very clearly in her eighties and you’re pretty sure that’s not Joel’s thing. So you don’t have anything to be worried about. “So handsome. His jeans fit just right. Wears them well.” She sounds like she might be from Jersey. The city maybe. She makes you laugh. “I’m at the bar almost every night if you ever want to come join me and Ava and Connie and the rest of us broads sometime. You seem like a nice girl. Joel’s lucky to have you. You’re all he talks about. You and Ellie.” 

“He sure is a good man. I’m lucky to have him.” She touches your back softly as you reach the entryway. “It was really nice to meet you. I’ll come by the bar sometime this week for drinks.” You smile. Ms. Babs seems like she could be a lot of fun, even in her eighties. You wonder how she lasted this fucking long but she seems to be in great shape. 

“Get home safe. Tell Ellie to practice her multiples! She struggles with that!” She calls to you as you limp out of the school yard. 

This wasn’t too bad. Ava is actually not a complete cunt. She seems to be a good teacher and likes Ellie. That’s nice. Anyone who is nice to Ellie is okay in your book. For the mos–

“Hey, Birdie. Mind if we walk home together?” It’s fucking Ava. 

“No. We are neighbors after all.” You wonder where all these nice words come from. They must be from your love for the teenage girl who lives in your house and eats all your bread. 

“Sure are. Nice having them two– and now you—back on the block.” Ava matches her pace to your slow limping one. It’s quiet because you don’t know what to say. You’ve lost the nice in you and now you wanna tell her to never look at Joel again. “Hey, I don’t know if Joel told you or not…” She trails off, like she’s thinking about really telling you. Your heart stops in your chest. 

“What?” You lie. She’s willing to tell you everything right now? Let’s hear it, bitch. 

“Me and Joel used to like… be a little thing, before he left for Salt Lake. I just don’t want you to hear it from someone else if Joel hadn’t already told you.” She sounds like she’s being genuine but you don’t know what to believe anymore. Ellie is the only person you’ll believe ever again. You act surprised though. You want more information than that and you wanna see how much she’s willing to give. 

“Oh really?” You try to sound as surprised as you can. Ava frowns and nods 

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I was hopin’ he told you. We haven’t talked about it at all. You know, he asked me to come with him to Salt Lake and I said no–”

“What?” You smirk now, and try and hold back a chuckle. This is false information. Your sweet daughter told you the truth.

“Did he not tell you that either? Yeah, he tried to get me to come with him, but I couldn’t. I had the kids and the school and everything.” She explains. You both have stopped walking now 

“Oh. Yeah, no he didn’t tell me that.” Your voice is quivering because you have anger and giggles and punches bubbling inside of you. 

“Yeah. He was real upset when I said no–”

“So, lemme ask you something now. Did you know about me before Salt Lake?” You cock your head to the side slightly. Ava pinches her brows together and she shakes her head like she’s confused. 

“No. Didn’t he meet you on the way there or something?” She asks curiously. You shake your head and smile at her with satisfaction because you’re about to drop two bombs on her right now and she has no idea. 

“No. We didn’t. We met maybe six months ago, shortly after he arrived in the colony. I lived in the woods, just outside the wall.” You smile and lean against the iron fence behind you that borders the school. “Joel’d trek his happy ass through the woods every four days to fuck me. Rain? Thunder and lightning? Worst snow you’ve ever seen? Joel was there. Never missed an appointment. You ever wonder where he was running off to every four days?” You can't hold it back now, you are laughing at her. She's staring at you with a dumb, slack-jawed look like she doesn't believe a word you're saying.

“No way. He wasn’t—” She tries to talk but you're tired of hearing her voice.

“Oh yes he was. Walking through the woods to see me. And then after your request to go with him was denied, he slept in my bed. Fucked and licked me all night long. And then asked me to come with him to Salt Lake. Picked me up on horseback the next day.” You nod at her slowly.

“No. You’re fucking lying. He was not fucking us at the sa– What?" She didn't know about you. Which is completely fine. You know she didn't. She does realize that you know something she didn't think you knew "I didn’t ask to go—” She starts but you cut her off.

“So our sweet girl Ellie lies? She heard it all. Heard you crying. Begging to come. Joel had to tell you no. It was just a fling. It was destined to end.” You shake your head at her slowly from side to side. 

“Ellie misheard.” Ava scoffs and crosses her arms over her chest.

“Joel told me everything. I know. ” You take a step towards Ava but she stands her ground which is fine. 

“Told me the only reason he was ever over at your place was to return your jam jars–cause you asked him to.” You scan her face and her eyes flick to the side and then back to you. “Exactly. He wasn’t asking for more of your shitty fucking ass jam. He was being nice to you. He feels bad for you. Feels bad that all you have in your life is jam and bread. So he did what you asked and returned your jars. Did you say that to piss me off or did you actually believe he wanted to be at your house? That something might happen if-. ” She starts to protest but you hold four flat fingers to the middle of her chest and press hard. “I’ll put you on the ground so fucking fast if you don’t shut your cocksuckin’ mouth.” 

Ava does shut her cocksuckin’ mouth and now she takes a step back from you. You follow her and keep your hand on her chest. She tries to bat you away but you grab her wrist with your other hand. 

“I swear, Ava, you try to come between me and Joel. You do anything funny to Ellie and her grades because of this– I will fucking end you . Do you understand me? I will. I’ll bury you so far out in the woods an so deep in the fucking ground no one would ever find you.” You giver a sad smile and sad eyes for what you're about to say next. “And since it’s just you in that big ole house, Ava, who would come lookin’ for you?” 

Ava’s eyes never leave yours. 

“I was just trying to warn–” Ava starts but you take the four fingers on her chest and slap her cheek softly. She gasps dramatically and gawks down at you. 

“Don’t make me slap you, bitch. I will. That was a love tap. Shut the fuck up. Keep you lyin’ jam makin’ ass in your own fuckin’ house and don’t you ever even look at my God damned driveway. Walk the other way. Don’t ever walk past my house or mess with my family ever again. Got it?” Ava nods. “Good. I’ll see you at the bar sometime. We’ll talk about Ellie. The greenhouse. We can talk about your pretty fuckin’ skirts but if I ever hear you say Joel’s name ever again…you know what happens.” You tap her cheek very gently with your hand again. Ava flinches. It’s dark out now and Joel is already probably at the wall. “Go home. I have to go see my boyfriend.”

Joel is up on the wall. You can see him up there before he sees you. You climb the stairs slowly and make your way to where he is posted up. When you get close he notices it’s you and smiles. 

“You were gone longer than I thought. You have trouble up at the school?” Joel drops his chin to his chest and gives you a knowing look. 

“Nope.” Joel smirks and relaxes a little. “Did all the trouble on the sidewalk out front.” Joel’s jaw drops. “Yup. It’s like she was waiting for me.”

You run through your whole conversation with Ava. Joel’s mouth just gets more open as you speak. You tell him how she said he tried to ask her to come to Salt Lake. He scoffs and waves you away like you’re crazy.

“Get the fuck’ outta here. I never asked her. Never.” Joel’s brows are furrowed. He keeps checking over his shoulder because he technically is still working and supposed to be patrolling. 

“I know. I believe you. I think she was just trying to stir shit up between us. If she had done it any sooner, it might have worked.” You explain. You notice a lack of Jacob Harris and wonder if Joel killed him already. It doesn’t get brought up. 

“I’m sorry you gotta deal with all this. I didn’t think it’d be an issue when we got back. I thought she’d have forgotten all ‘bout me. Moved on. I hoped she had.” Joel sighs and kisses your forehead softly. “Glad you came to see me though. Made my whole night. Gonna miss you. Crawl into those blankets with you when I get home.” Joel kisses you on the lips now, softly. “My sweet lil girl.” Whispered into your parted lips so no one else can hear. “Touch that lil pussy for me tonight before you go to sleep. I love you.” More whispered sexy demands that you’ll obey for him. 

“I love you.” You whisper back to him. Joel leads you to the stairs and gives your ass a smack. 

“See you in a couple hours, baby.” He calls as you head down and make your way back home.

“Hey, Squeak. Sorry I’m late and missed dinner. Conference and then I went and saw Dad.” You limp into her room. She’s already in bed. 

“It’s okay. He told me you might be back later than normal.” She pats her bed but you wave your hands over your dirty clothes. “Sit on the chair then. Talk to me like we have the last couple nights. I like when we do that.” You pull a chair over to the side of her bed and look down at her as she snuggles up in bed. 

“How are you doing?” You ask softly. She looks confused. “We haven’t really talked much about what happened on the road. Didn’t get a lot of time to.” Ellie’s eyes avert from yours. It makes you sad. 

“I don’t really like talking about it.” She whispers from behind her blanket covered fists. You nod in understanding. 

“I know. I don’t either.” You think back to that day. The first time you almost lost Ellie to that fucker David . The day the two brothers almost killed you. “I was in the house with Joel when two guys showed up. I left my gun down with Joel and they disarmed me real quick without it.” You nod down at her, she’s looking back up at you now. “Said they were gonna do terrible things to me. Said they were gonna do terrible things to you to make me scared.” You feel tears pool in your eyes. 

“What did they say?” She asks softly. 

“Just not nice things. They wanted me to be scared– that’s all that matters. I was. I was so fuckin’ scared Ellie. More scared than I ever was in the hospital.” You say honestly. No one in the hospital was threatening to rape you. “I know there aren’t a lot of people you think you can talk to but I probably know better than anyone what you went through. I’m always here if you need to talk about what happened when you were captured.” You lean down and kiss her forehead softly. “I won’t make you, but whatever heavy feeling you have in your heart will go away if you stop holding it in. I mean it. Holding it in is just going to make it feel heavier.” 

“Why are you talking about this?” Ellie asks like she’s annoyed. You pull the poem from your pocket and read it to her aloud. She sighs softly. “It’s just a poem.” She is annoyed. 

“Okay, Squeak. I’m just letting you know that I’m here. I understand.” You give her another kiss and stand up. “I have to shower and eat something. I love you.” 

“Love you.” She grumbles and rolls over before you can take a step away from the bed. 

Damn. Teenage girls are the worst. 

tag list: @fairylights-throughthemist @creepycorbeaux

(i'll take anyone off, or add anyone who wants updates for the next part.)

[devouredbyflame]

Good morning! It’s Ari, again.

I might drop by to DM sometime, but since I’m about to work, I didn’t want to be rude and just DM/start a conversation to throw questions at you and run off lol I’d rather DM to get to know someone if that makes sense. I thought it might be more appropriate to drop little questions here if any really drive me nuts while I’m reading your blog in the meantime.

If I ever ask anything you don’t want to share, feel free to say so! I’m trying to understand what I’ve read you say about finding your path yourself and avoiding echo chambers when you should be learning from the Divine, so I’m gonna try to limit my questions, but between my having ADHD, anxiety, and just generally being kind of detail-oriented, I still find myself fixated on specific details a lot

So with that ramble out of the way (sorry, I’m kinda long-winded, I’m sure you noticed in my email lol) my actual question(s) for today!:

(I see how long this got, so for a summary, this jumble of questions is about the likenesses of Deities you mention putting on altars)

In your first post about altar creation, I saw you say one of the things you need is a likeness of the Deity you’re making it for. It might be a silly question, but what really counts as a “likeness”? Is it just anything made with the intention of being His likeness? Or are we supposed to make an intuitive guess? I could see maybe going by personal UPG, but assuming we’re just starting out and not confident in anything like that, trying to make the altar to connect in the first place, I’m wondering how we know what we’re looking for.

Since I’m not able to practice openly at home, but my family knows I was a bigger fan of Hiddleston Loki than the MCU itself, I was thinking of finding a good/affordable figure of MCU Loki. So if the owner of the household rifles through my things, as she’s prone to do, and she finds a candle, a marvel figure and a couple of (to her) random things in a box, she’s more likely to think it’s just a box of knickknacks. But I’m afraid this will be seen as some kind of joke, I don’t want to be too familiar, in case I’ve been wrong about my connecting to Him so far.

Final thought- do Deities even really have human-looking appearances? I see Loki appearing differently to different people, especially as a shapeshifter, but is it really a thing that any of Them look a certain way? Like I’ve read you talk about meeting Him face-to-face when He has possessed people in front of you, and how He’s your roommate/in-and-out-of-your-body way of being with you now. But is there a way you “see” Him? And is that a way He’s appeared to you, in a dream or meditation or something, or is it just kinda a creative idea of how He looks?

Sorry for the length, and any errors! I’d stop to edit it down and fix run-on sentences, but I’m already kinda late starting work (oops). So I hope you have a good day! Hopefully I’ll have time to actually chat this weekend, if you’re open to that!

Hi Ari! You're totally fine. I love answering questions so give me what you got and I can do my best to further clarify for you. And also, I am ADHD so I 100% understand the need for detail-oriented clarification. My numerous questions is how I got to where I am today because I would ask Loki so many things about how stuff works so I can better grasp the nature of the concept. I am more than delighted to share what I've learned, how it works, and why it's been successful and that's kind of the point of my being here.

My answers are also really long-winded and mostly because I have a lot of knowledge and experiences and very few places to share it so bear with me.

So, in regards to the likeness question, I would say anything that is made with the intention of it being the Deity in question would be the best point of reference. However, it doesn't necessarily mean it has to be an obvious representation, just something that is synonymous with Their energy. Like, if you had a candle vaguely in the shape of the Deity in question or a clay model, a doll, or a picture that reminds you of Them, that also works. The purpose is to draw the energy of that particular Deity into the shrine which means you would need to "open the door" to both sides. Like, the Deity would need to know it is for Them as well as you so you can look at it and go, "ah, yes, that is the God in question." You would think They wouldn't care because They know your heart and your intention, but it is easiest when the object is designed with the God in mind.

That being said, I personally had MCU Loki on my altar for a year or two when I first began, knowing Loki probably was aware of my situation and that I needed to be closeted until I had my own place to live. I don't think it would necessarily be a problem if you have Tom Hiddleston instead of Loki Himself. When I got my own place, I got Him a statue carved out of wood and quite a bit of art by various artists I've found who I think draw Him really well.

The whole debate about whether or not Loki cares for MCU Loki itself is complex and I can possibly get into that in more detail if anyone is ever interested. But based on my experiences with Him, He has indicated that no, He doesn't really care for it to be on your shrine. It's fine if that's what you need to be conspicuous. He only really seems to care if you don't ask Him if it's okay. The point, I think, He wants to make is that by asking Him His opinion, He will make it okay because you gave Him your reasoning and didn't just assume. Which makes sense considering a shrine is a Deity's possession and not a devotee's after the point of making it a shrine. So, as long as you're asking His permission to use it on His shrine, I think that's absolutely clear with Him.

I cannot speak for Him, but I sincerely doubt He would ever wish to put you in the way of any danger when it comes to His shrine being made. However, I know Him to be very possessive of His belongings and prefers giving His consent with certain things. If you invite Him when creating a shrine, He will more than likely give you a sense of what you need to be doing for Him and whether or not it's okay. If you don't trust that, using a pendulum, flipping a coin, or other "yes/no" random generators are helpful. I wouldn't worry too much that you are afraid of insulting Him just because you don't have an option.

Just don't ask Him multiple times the same question because that's when He starts giving false answers. It can get aggravating but typically He doesn't like having only one-sided answers and would prefer to say both "yes" and "no" because He tends to swing both ways when talking about the nature of Himself as well as the Gods since it's never only ever just one single way.

I think He does mind Tom Hiddleston being used as His likeness if you have no reason to hide your shrine and if you don't ask His permission to so so He may say "no" but then "yes" later on given His consent and an explanation of your reasoning.

Now, I don't know your situation, obviously, and there's no reason for you to get into more detail about it to some random stranger on the internet but I will point out that having a shrine is a lot less obvious than you would think. People won't know what they are looking at if they are not pagan. I kept my shrine on my desk for the years I was closeted and my ex who was an atheist as well as my Christian parents did not know what they were looking at unless I specifically told them what it was. Even then, they were confused. I think unless the people you live with know what a pagan is or what a shrine should be, you likely are going to be fine even if they go through your belongings.

I recommend keeping it in a shoe box somewhere or an even smaller box that's tucked away somewhere no one will get to it even if they are looking. It's probably for the best regardless because it would keep other energy from getting to it that would be less than savory and could interrupt the energetic transaction between Loki and yourself.

Also, in regards to appearances, no, Loki does not have a physical appearance whatsoever. He is energy and energy does not have a form that we can see clearly with our two eyes. He likes to call Himself an "orb of light" and that He "floats around all day and does not do much of anything on this physical plane except wait around for stuff to happen."

I have seen Him manifest physically before but it is not human-like nor is it remotely something that is a common occurrence. It looks like glimmers of golden light that shines in the corner of my eye and flashes before it can ever be seen fully. My cats see Him all the time, actually, and watch as He zooms around the apartment and plays with them since cats have a keener sense of vision than we do.

So, no, He does not have any actual human-like qualities. However, it is my understanding that the way we perceive Him is translated by various triggers in our brain. Just like how we visualize a person as they are described that we haven't seen before, Loki essentially has a means to assist people with seeing Him who may have trouble recognizing who He is so He gives a common appearance. He's explained to me that when it's important for someone to know who they are looking at, He will appear to them as a lanky ginger with long red hair, golden eyes and pointed ears. But if it's not, then He can show up as anyone He wants to in any way.

So I suppose it's both the way He wants to be seen and also our own brains piecing together visuals that He triggers and we conceptualize as vaguely human but very obviously not given the amount of energy that resonates off of Him. So it's both intentional that He looks the same way to a lot of people while also being intentional when He doesn't. Regardless of where, how, and why He manifests, though, He feels the exact same way all the time and you'll know who He is just by being in His presence. So, I suppose, also, it doesn't truly matter about what He looks like on your shrine.

I hope that answers your questions (probably more info than you ever asked for) but I'm always open to clarifying things here and otherwise and that goes with anyone who stumbles on my blog. That's why I'm here. Also, yes, please DM whenever you want! I love meeting people. It's my favorite. Talking about this shit is my jam.

[knockyasocksoff2022]

A truce, among other things.

(A/N: This is set at the same time as Dancing with My Love. You can read it in my book called Soukoku Stories. This can be read on its own but it may not make much sense. (To clarify Yukichi took Mori's last name.) Also I wote this all in one go, staying up way to late so sorry for any errors. I tried to fix all the continuity errors but I might have missed one. No beta we die like Kunikida's sanity.)

under the cut due to length (3,051 words)

Mori Yukichi's perspective

We slipped away as soon as everyone else turned their backs to prepare for the event this morning, but still leaving Elise to cover for us.

—

When we pause for breath I can hear commotion from the main event space. “Hmm, It sounds like double black is making quite a scene at the party?”

“Don’t pay attention to them, Yuki, they don’t matter. Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it later.” Rintrou’s voice is velvet in my ear and his eyes dance with every shade of purple and red, a kaleidoscope. He wants to be the centre of my attention and I’ll gladly oblige.

“Indeed.” and as soon as I say the words his body is against me again.

Kunikida's Perspective

Dazai consorting with a mafia executive! I know that we’re on truce but this looks like something more. The Executive used his first name, nobody, NOBODY uses Dazai uses Dazai’s first name. And now they’re floating! I wonder how long Dazai has been in contact with the executive, how long they have been sharing information, and how deep the betrayal runs. I can gather facts later but the president must be informed of this, if only I knew where he was.

I scan the event space one more time and come up once again empty. More curious than ever I leave the room to search other areas, determined to find the president.

— – – – —

Every room is empty. I sigh. Did they go somewhere else? I can’t imagine both the heads of the organisations abandoning a party celebrating the unity of said organisations.

I start to walk back to the main event space when I see a hall I didn’t notice before. I start to walk down it, checking the rooms as I go. They’re all mostly closets, but I guess I should check every room anyway just in case the boss decided the best place to hold a secret meeting would be a closet. It makes sense, somewhere no one else ever thought to look.

Mori Rintarou's Perspective

Yuki’s lips are hot against my own, one hand tangled in my hair and the other around my waist, pulling me closer, deeper, and I wish so badly to be at home where we could do this properly, not in this dusty storage room.

Then he pulls away. I pout, trying to get him back.

“Now, now Rintarou, you’ve given me a gift, it’s my turn.”

Reluctantly I allow him to step back and retrieve something from his pocket. He doesn't bother fixing his shirt, which hangs open and I admire chest and torso, even in the faint glow of the oil lamp he looks dazzling.

“Hands out, close your eyes, darling.” 

Amused, I oblige. Something almost . . . soft is placed into my open hands, it has a nice weight to it.

“Can I . . .”

“Mhm.” Yuki affirms with a kiss on my forehead. I open my eyes slowly, dragging out the moment. 

“Nothing is going to jump out at me, right?”

He ruffles my hair. “No, darling, I am 45 not 5. I think I’ll leave the pop up cards to Elise.”

“Yes, my love, you are so very old.” I tease, looking down at the box, unassuming black velvet square, a jewellery box.

It opens revealing a red lining and resisting inside are a pair of shining silver cufflinks and a tie clip with red stones that by the looks of them are rubies. I shut the box gently.

“Oh, Yuki!” the words are breathless at the beautiful gifts, “Not one gift but two. You didn’t have to, you shouldn’t have.” I blush and kiss my husband on his nose.

He blinks in surprise. It’s adorable. “You declared a truce with the Armed Detective Agency, threw this party—”

I cut him off. “But you know how I love giving the love of my life presents, and it is our 15th anniversary.”

He continues, “You also bought me 10 new plants, a new Yukuta and Haori, and that Indian tea I wanted to try.” He blushes as he lists off the presents I gave him this morning. “So yes, I think this is very appropriate.”

Before I can protest about the surly exorbitant pricing of the items, Yuki opens the box and takes out the tie clip, “At least try them on for me, hmm?”

(A/N: Author-san has no idea how much tie clips or cufflinks cost)

“Alright, anything for my love.”

Yuki sets the box down with the clip in it and focuses on re-buttoning my shirt. I hand him my tie, and he lets his hands trail my collar as he places it back under my shirt collar, he continues to be careless with his touch as he ties it, I shiver. 

When my tie is back in place he fastens the clip and pulls an old chipped mirror from behind a pile of boxes.

“You look dashing, Rintarou.”

I watch my reflection for a second then throw on my coat. He’s right, the tie clip does look good. 

“You have excellent taste, Yuki.”

He smiles and rests his chin on my shoulder, observing our reflection.

“Good looking people are easy to dress.” he kisses my ear, whispering sweetly, “You’d look good in anything, Rintarou.”

“As would you.”

Yuki doesn’t answer, instead taking the cufflinks from the box and fastening them onto my shirt. They too look fashionable. I turn around and kiss my husband.

He kisses me back and in seconds the tie clip is off, returned safely to the box along with the cufflinks, my jacket is on the floor and his hands are against my collar once more, the tie being undone yet again.

The tie falls to the floor and we’re against each other again, his shirt joins his blazer and my jacket on the floor.

Kunikida's Perspective

I’ve checked almost all the rooms on the hall and they’re all closets, and all empty. But there’s still one last room at the end, it looks bigger than the others just from the size of the door.

A dull light of some kind seems to be on inside. This must be where the president and the Port Mafia boss are having their meeting. I walk towards it.

I’m about to knock when I hear muffled gasps and what seems like moaning.

Mori must be trying to smother or strangle the president. 

I kick in the door and raise my stun gun.

When the door opens a most peculiar sight meets my eyes. Mori is on top of the president but there are no weapons in sight and both men are shirtless. They look up at me like animals caught in a staring contest with a car's high beams.

“Kunikida-san.” The president nods his head in friendly greeting, “we, uh, we were just—”

“I DON'T NEED TO KNOW!!!” I yell at the two men as I turn on my heel and rush to leave the scene as soon as possible, just a little guilty for yelling at my superior.

(A/N: Author-san needs jesus!)

Mori Yukichi's Perspective

"Such a shame, I was just about to tell him we were—"

I throw a hand over my husband's mouth before he can make this situation any worse, even though poor Kunikida is long gone.

"mngffshdf" he mumbles from under my hand

"What?" I ask removing my hand slowly

"I said: wouldn't it have been funnier if we'd been in a closet?"

"What? No! This space has way more room than any closet, why ever would we want to be in a closet?"

My husband just laughs but offers no answer. I don't dwell on it.

"You know, the funny thing is, Yuki, that the door was actually unlocked." Rintarou smiles mischievously.

"What!?" I'm shocked at this news.

"Yes, that buffoon had no reason to kick down the door."

"But why was it unlocked in the first place?"

"Well you said no one would come looking for us and," his voice drops into a whisper, a seductive purr, "I was in a hurry to get to other things." He drags a finger down my chest stopping at my belt buckle with the lightest touch. My stomach flutters with warmth.

"Well, now I have to pay for the damages to the door." I sigh.

Rintaruo stops touching me immediately, looking aghast, "You will do no such thing, this place was my idea, therefore I shall pay."

"By Rintarou you've done so much for me already."

"Nonsense," he argues, "it's fine. I know the owner of this place, the expense is nothing."

Hmm, he seems determined to pay, at this rate we'll still be arguing this by the time the party's over and then we'll be far too tired to do anything once we get home. I know it early in the argument but I think I'd better pull out my secret weapon.

"But Rin-chan, letting me pay would be a gift in and of itself. As you said the cost isn't that much. You can even give the money to the owner, as long as it comes from my pocket."

I watch my husband melt.

"Now, I think it's time we got back to the party, we're both due to make closing announcements in an hour or so, people will be wondering where we've gone. It will be suspicious if we leave early after all we have been gone the whole day. After the party we can do whatever we like." I emphasise the last sentence with a kiss to his neck, he sighs. I know I have his approval.

Both reluctant, we fix our clothes and begin out the broken door when something catches my eye.

"Darling, come here for a moment." I try to keep my voice steady as panic rises.

Rintarou obviously sees right through me. "Yukichi? What's the matter?"

I don't answer him but as he approaches me the heat in my cheeks only increases. I could see it even when he was two metres away but now my fears are confirmed. An array of roundish bruises stain the pale skin of Rintarou's neck, and a small one is beginning to form on his bottom lip. All of them are my doing. (I didn't mean to bite him, I really didn't.)

I groan, "Darling why must you bruise so easily?" I'm not really asking him, more myself for not remembering.

"Bruise?" he asks, his eyes becoming wide with realisation, "Oh. . . . I see."

Mori Rintarou's Perspective

“I’m so sorry, I’m so stupid. I completely forgot.”

Yuki looks so genuinely sorry that I have to laugh.

“I’m not sorry. Not in the slightest.” I tell him.

“But Rintarou, they’ll notice.”

I can’t stop laughing.

“How are you laughing about this?”

“Simple, just tell them you tried to strangle me.”

“And you lip?” He raises an extremely sceptical eyebrow.

“Nothing a punch to the mouch couldn’t have done.”

“But, did you forget that we’re on a truce?”

“We can tell them it was personal.” I let the last word hang heavily in the air.

Yuki huffs and flips the collar of my jacket up as if against an invisible wind.

“Don’t say a word.” he instructs.

“Are you ashamed of me, Yukichi?” I tease

Pain crosses his features, He pulls me close to his warm body embracing me in a different way then we have been so far today, softly, as if I’m something breakable, I don’t hate it.

“Of course not, Rintarou, I love you more than anything and I would love for the entire world to know that. But I don’t think now is the best time to tell everyone,” The words come out urgent and worried. “things are still so unstable, and we don’t need any more surprises for—” 

“I was only teasing Yuki. I know all of these things, and I know you love me.”

He gives me a kiss on the top of my head in lieu of more words, and takes my hand leading me out of the door.

We don��t talk until we reach the door to the main event hall. I don’t want to be the first to let go and I know Yuki doesn’t wither but he does.

He goes in first, taking a seat in a chair next to the only one of his subordinates whose name I know. Edogawa Ranpo. The child genius hands him a book and Yuki begins to “read” it.

I slide into the room and stand behind Elise-chan and Kouyou. Elsie-chan gives me a dirty look. I shrug at her and she sticks out her tongue. Her sharp eyes dart straight to my lips. I blush. She makes a gagging gesture and looks away.

No one notices our arrival, they’re all preoccupied by something above them.

I look up as well.

My ex and current executives dance as if standing on an unseen plain. They’re dancing reflects their fighting, graceful and perfectly in sync, truly something to watch. They seem to be talking about something and then they’re kissing. I look over to my lover who shares a knowing smile. While very much their own people, the two young husbands remind us of ourselves in many ways.

Gasps of shock, squeaks of disgust and whispers fill the hall. Imagine what a scene Yuki and I would make. I chuckle, no one hears it. It doesn't escape my notice that Akutagawa-kun looks at the weretiger and blushes.

I don’t watch, instead staring at Yuki, his face is a carefully practised mask of peace. I know he must be laughing inside.

When I do look up, Chuuya is pulling away from Dazai, they banter and then Chuuya scoops up Dazai and they rejoin us on the ground floor. 

Neither Yuki nor I gives a comment, despite the fact that our words would probably ease the situation. 

“What?” Dazai’s words ring out and echo in the positively silent rings. I can hear someone eating.

"We're married." The boys say the words together, looking at only each other as they address the room.

Whispers become full fledged conversations and even some shouts. Chuuya is already leading his partner away. As expected, he already has alcohol in his hands and they start running. I smile a bittersweet smile. How many times have I dreamt of doing something like this with Yuki, or even running away in general.

A hand slides around my waist and then disappears, I turn. My own husband stands behind me. 

“I don’t think anyone will be paying attention to anything more that we have to say. What do you think, Mori-dono?”

Our thoughts have aligned as usual.

“I think that you’re right, Fukuzawa-dono.” It feels so strange using Yuki’s former surname after all the kissing we’ve been doing today. We both smile. “How cruel do you think it would be to leave now and let them fight amongst each other until they tire?”

“I think it is unnecessary.” he doesn't exactly answer the question.

I pout, then hide it quickly and we walk to the centre of the event space. Elise-chan, like the dear she is, follows.

“Everyone, do calm down. You are not a flock of riled geese. You are members of two prestigious organisations gathered here today for peace not this . . . petty banter as if you are children fighting over the last crayon.” I turn up the disgust in my voice and I can tell even out of the corner of my eye that Yuki wants so badly to laugh.

My statement shuts everyone up. Yuki takes over.

“What you saw today was young love against many odds. It is far more than many of us will ever get to have, and for that we may applaud Chuuya and Dazai. It does not matter your personal opinions, nothing less than your respect is expected. Treat them as you would yourself wish to be treated. Their relationship is none of your business anymore than,” Yuki pauses as if deciding something. I freeze. Is he going to . . . “anyone else's. They have a right to privacy just like everyone else and neither Mori-san nor I will tolerate any further mentioning of these two men in a negative manner. We have far more enlightened topics of conversation than the love life of those two. ” He looks to me with a smile, “Gossip is for children.”

When he stops the silence is heavy and everyone doesn’t seem to know what to talk about now that we have effectively banned talk of double black couple. We retreat to the fringes of the event space.

“Yuki, this party is rather boring, don't you think?” I let the suggestion seep through my words.

“Yes, it is, isn’t it. I could use some fresh air.”

“That’s a good idea. I’ll call the car.”

Mori Yukichi's Perspective

The ride back to our house is quiet. Rintarou and I sit next to each other in the back of his limousine. My hand is over his shoulders and his is around my waist. We kiss gently. (Elsie, who opted to sit upfront with he driver, makes gagging noises)

—

When we reach our house. Yes, our house. We haven’t been home in such a long time. Rintarou usually stays at his penthouse at the Port Mafia and I stay in a nice Mafia safe house he fixed up. Our house, the one we bought together, is far out of the city, surrounded by a lawn and back garden and with a white picket fence that does nothing to keep anyone out, a blue post box and maple and oak trees, and a small creek with a bridge so you can get to the front door.

A place that is safe, a place where we can learn who we are outside of our violent city lives.

The driver drops us off and pulls away to park in the garage around the back of the house. I lead my husband through the homey feeling place and up the wooden stairs that creak just enough to be charming not worrying.

Our bedroom is down the hall from Elise’s (door now shut with some pop song on full volume) , a pale shade of blue, our bed a wooden four poster with gauzy white curtains. I toss my blazer aside and Rintarou starts to undo the buttons on my shirt.

<The End>

(A/N: Author-san still needs Jesus and so does the entire fandom! Also I hope you've enjoyed the closest thing to spicy content you're ever going to get from me, lmao!)

[albakore]

Away From Home

Characters: Zhongli, Diluc, Kaeya, Childe, Thoma/Tohma (fem!reader) (fic)

Synopsis: (office!au) Even your boss Zhongli has moments where self control goes out the window to make way for carnal desires.

Warnings: not sfw (18+) reverse harem, (an orgie?), semi public sex again, creampie, oral (giving), petnames (angel, princess, gem), squirting, umm? did i miss anything?, not proofread because im lazy if you catch any errors feel free to shoot me an ask,

A/N: This is a part two to Office Adventures but t's not necessary that you read it before this. I don't know if people were expecting a direct continuation of the last one but I took some creative liberty because I felt like that would be boring and instead created a whole new scenario, I hope you all enjoy it just the same!

⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘•⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅ ⊰ ⋅•⋅

The sexual tension in the office since that (ahem) eventful meeting had been nothing short of palpable, as Lisa had been ever so kind to point out. Even Jean and Eula were starting to grow frustrated with the way Childe and Kaeya made it painstakingly obvious their lust for you, and as you explained to Jean apologetically, they just wouldn't seem to take your request to tone it down seriously. Though you couldn't deny that even you often found your mind wandering as you sat alone in your office, frequently coming to remember the way you wobbled out of the meeting room that day, cunt quivering and leaking cum.

Luck seemed to be on Jean's side however, because this week you found yourself away from the office on an important regional business conference accompanied by none other than the men themselves, leaving her alone in charge of the office for a few days. The adventure of being in a new place was always exciting; there was light in your eyes as your plane touched down just outside the city, the skyline stood shimmering off in the distance. Though, as Diluc so gracefully reminded you, this was not a vacation but a business trip and most of your time would be consumed by meetings and other work-related affairs.

"(Name)!" You heard someone call from behind you. You were walking back to the hotel after another boring day of drifting in and out of meetings with people you hardly knew and topics you hardly cared about.

"Hm?" Your head turned to see three familiar figures waving at you as they approached.

"Care to join us for dinner? It'll be our treat." Childe asked once they had caught up to you, falling into step beside you.

"Where are you guys going?" You asked. You silently took in the appearance of the boys beside you. You hadn't gotten a chance to see them all day since you greeted them at the complimentary hotel breakfast bar this morning, and you had to admit they cleaned up nicely. You admired the three's formal dress, remembering the way Zhongli had specifically lectured them on the importance of appearance at an event like this. You notes Thoma's expensive looking watch and Kaeya's tailored button-up shirt that was, of course, unbuttoned halfway now that the workday was over. Childe had his suit jacket thrown over his shoulder, one hand holding the jacket the other shoved in his pocket.

"Mr. Zhongli found this fancy looking French restaurant a few blocks away, he wanted us to get there before we missed our reservation time." Thoma answered.

"Where is he?" You asked, taking note of his and Diluc's absence from the group.

"He and Diluc got caught up in some last minute business they had to attend to. It's times like these I don't envy the higher up positions of our company's cofounders." Kaeya answered you this time. "No matter how attractive the pay increase may seem, I can only handle so much overtime."

"You can say that again." Childe chuckled in agreeance, "I can't tell you how many times I've left the office only to come back in the morning and find Zhongli still hunched over some paperwork."

"Hey, guys, I think this is the place." Thoma motioned to the building you were approaching, and you immediately realized that 'fancy looking' was an understatement. "Will you be joining us, Lady (Name)?" Thoma questioned, extending his hand as an invitation to you.

"I don't see why not." You flashed him a smile before placing your hand in his, allowing him to tug you along. Kaeya opened the door for you, gesturing to allow you to step inside first. You were awestruck by the inside -- if you thought ‘fancy looking’ was an understatement for the outside, then the inside could be described as nothing short of grandiose. There were round tables covered in white cloth and fancy silverware, a fountain sat in the middle of the room behind the hostess desk and elegant trimmings lining the staircase off on the far side of the room. You quickly quelled your shocked expression as the hostess approached you.

"We have a reservation for six under the name Zhongli." Childe told her. "We'll have two more joining us later."

She checked her ledger and quickly crossed off the name. "Right this way, sir." She said to Childe with a polite smile. She led your group away from the main room, opening the door to a nicely decorated single-table room with a pleasant and romantic vibe, most likely accredited to the soft lighting.

“Thank you.” Childe told her as you four took your seats. One side of the table had booth-style seating and the other side had individual chairs. She closed the door with a click, and before you knew it you were sat in between Kaeya and Childe on the booth side, with Thoma directly across from you. You picked up a menu and began flipping through it to get a feel for what items might interest you. Before long, Childe’s hand had found its way onto your thigh. You looked down at it before looking back at him, a silent prompt for an explanation. “What?” He inquired mischievously, thumb rubbing your skin gently.

You opened your mouth to respond, but before you could your server opened the door with a brief knock. Childe’s hand stayed firmly in place as the server introduced themselves before asking if they could get you guys anything to drink. Thoma and Childe ordered regular fountain drinks, and requested two extra waters be brought out preemptively for Diluc and Zhongli whenever they should arrive.

“Ah yes may I have a glass of your finest red wine.” Kaeya asked with a smile once it came his time to order, earning a look from you. “What? It’s coming out of Diluc’s pocket not mine, might as well make good use of it.”

"And I'll have a..." You started, feeling Childe's hand inch upwards as the servers gaze remained fixed on you. "Just a r-regular glass of water please." You managed to force out while trying to ignore the growing feeling of need that Childe's attention was causing you. You smiled at the server as they stated that they'd be right back with your drinks.

Moments after the server left, Thoma's phone started buzzing. He answered it and paused for a few moments before he stepped away saying something about needing to meet Diluc and Zhongli in the lobby. That left you alone trapped in a booth with two mischievous gazes focused on you. "I must say, (Name)," Childe started, "you look absolutely stunning tonight. You really took Zhongli's 'Dress to Impress' speech to heart it seems." His flirty demeanor was predictable, earning a chuckle and an eye roll from you. His fingers were tracing patterns into the flesh of your inner thigh, head resting in his other hand as he studied you. You felt Kaeya's arm snake around your torso, hand coming to rest on your hip.

"He's right, you should wear this outfit more often." Kaeya whispered into your ear.

“You know, typically you’re supposed to wine and dine me before you-“ A knock resonated from the door, cutting you off and causing Kaeya to pull away from you but neither him nor Childe made any effort to remove their hands from where they were situated. The server entered with the table’s drinks on a tray, dishing them out to their respective spots on the table before asking if anybody was ready to order. Kaeya told them politely that we would wait for the rest of the group to join us first, and with that they turned and exited the room again.

You watched as Kaeya reached for his no doubt expensive wine, taking a sip and letting out a satisfied hum. "This wine is absolutely divine, it's not often I get the chance to indulge in such luxury. Would you like to try some, angel?" Kaeya asked you while his fingertips traced your hips.

"Sure." You hummed back, reaching out to grab the glass but Kaeya stopped your hand. You looked at him quizzically, watching as he dipped two fingers into the glass and let the crimson liquid pool at his fingertips. He brought his fingers to your lips, waiting for you to part them. You did, but only ever so slightly, letting your tongue drag along his slender fingers with a hum of delight as you maintained eye contact with him. Once upon a time you may have been flustered by his actions, but ever since the incident in the meeting room you have become no stranger to these types of occurrences. You pulled away before pressing a kiss to the pads at the tip of his finger.

"Divine indeed, captain." You added teasingly, the nickname a reference to a costume he wore to a halloween party last year that had caught on and stuck around even months after. You watched his unreadable expression closely as you awaited his response. He grabbed your face, tugging you toward him so he could plant a firm kiss on your lips while he caressed your cheek gently. You felt Childe's hand inch upward yet again further and further before finally reaching your clothed sex. Your breath hitched as Kaeya deepened the kiss, Childe rubbing you through thin material at a teasingly slow pace. You shifted your hips, trying to gain more friction from his fingers.

Kaeya pulled back from the kiss to let you catch your breath. "You know, there is one thing that would make this wine taste better." He kissed along your jaw and down your neck, breath fanning your skin as he continued. "If I could pour it over your chest and lick it off of you, slowly, inch by inch while you squirmed under my touch. That would make this experience undeniably perfect." You felt a shiver run down your spine, hand intertwining with his hair. As if working in tandem with Kaeya, Childe took this opportunity to slip his fingers past the barrier of fabric, your slick making his fingers run smoothly over your folds. Your free hand extended over to Childe's lap so you could palm him through his pants, thumb caressing the imprint of his erection. He let a breathy moan right next to your ear, fingers slipping into your heat.

"This is our reserved room, correct?" Zhongli’s voice resonated from just outside the door before the door swung open. He stepped in, followed by Diluc and Thoma. Your eyes met with Zhongli's as you tried futilely to push the lustful duo off of you. You filled with embarrassment when you thought about how sleazy you must look with Kaeya's lips attached to your neck and Childe's fingers squelching in and out of you. "Thoma, switch with (name), please. Evidently these two are incapable of practicing self control."

"W-what?" You protested, stomach sinking at the thought of disappointing your boss.

"Seriously, you two wouldn't know good timing if it hit you in the face. Your hotel rooms are literally a few yards away from each other." Diluc scoffed, tossing his suit coat over the back of his chair before pulling it out and sitting in it.

Childe pulled away from you, frowning at Diluc's words. "If I'm not mistaken, it was you who was moaning her name last night while you were alone in the shower, no?"

"And if I'm not mistaken, I'm still your boss. Watch how you talk to me." Diluc shot back immediately, crossing his arms over his chest. You scooted out of the booth, over Childe's lap, effectively pulling away from the two.

"Sorry.." You fiddled nervously with the hem of your skirt, still trying to recover from the embarrassment.

"You misunderstand me, gem, I'm not upset at you in the slightest." Zhongli smoothed over some of your hair comfortingly. "I specifically had a talk with these two about keeping things professional on this trip. This has nothing to do with you or your actions." You stared at him for a second before nodding. You took your place in between Zhongli and Diluc, directly across from where you had been previously sitting.

"How did your meetings go?" Zhongli asked you, tone much softer than the one he had just taken with Childe and Kaeya.

"They were boring for the most part, I managed to make a few connections though so that's good. What about you?" You responded, tuning out Diluc and Childe's bickering in the background.

"Stressful, I had many presentations to give, and only few bode over well."

"That's just how it goes." Thoma chimed in. "Tomorrow is a new day filled with new opportunity, I'm sure you'll do better."

"Stressful, eh? Fortunately for you, I know of the perfect way to relieve stress." Kaeya, ever the troublemaker, fixed his gaze on you pointedly for a few seconds to allow his point to get across. He just couldn't help himself when the ball was set up fo perfectly for him to spike it. You studied Zhongli's expression, his face remaining stoic as he processed Kaeya's innuendo.

"Unfortunately, the rules I set for you two apply to me as well. It would be wholly unfair to not hold myself to the same standard I hold my staff." Zhongli answered effortlessly. Seems like all these years of press conferences seemed to have really sharped his ability to form charismatic responses. Wait, 'unfortunately'?

"C'mon, Zhongli, (name)'s had eyes for us just as much as we've had eyes for them. You should see the look they get on their face when they're alone in their office." Childe laughed after ending his bickering session with Diluc. Your eyes went wide at that, having whole-heartedly believed you were being careful about when to indulge in your fantasies. "Besides, doesn't fucking them senseless sound like the perfect pick-me-up after a long day of meetings."

Zhongli seemed like he was still struggling to process his comment, resolve chipping with every second. He couldn't deny the nights he spent replaying the image of you bent over that table while he pleasured himself, and tonight was shaping up to be no different -- well, that would have been the case had he not attended this dinner. His eyes shifted over to you, inner turmoil apparent in them. Evidently, your response would be the deciding factor that pushed Zhongli to either side of the fence.

"He's not wrong." You shrugged, offering Zhongli a small smile. It was a simple sentence, only three words and yet… You watched his expression darken in that moment, his half hard erection already apparent in his pants.

"Thoma," you immediately noted the way his voice seemed to have dropped an octave. His gaze never once left yours.

"Yes boss?" Thoma responded almost instantly.

"Lock the door." Zhongli growled. Your heart skipped a beat, you felt heat rush straight to your core. The way Zhongli was looking at you made you feel bare even though not a single article of clothing had been removed from your form, at least not yet.

"The waitress is going to come back to place our order though." Diluc seemed to be the only voice of reason in this scenario. Thoma returned, scooting back into his spot in the booth, forcing Childe to be the one trapped in the middle this time. "That's gonna look awfully suspicious."

"Frankly, I can't seem to bring myself to care about that right now." Zhongli stood from his seat. He turned toward you, motioning for you to stand as well. "We'll tell them I had an important announcement that I didn't want getting interrupted or something." He lifted you at the hips and set you down on the table, placing himself in between your legs and pulling your core to meet his crotch. His lips caught yours, deep and breathtaking, as his hands roamed over your body. He tugged your shirt to untuck it until his fingers came into contact with the hem. He pulled it up, breaking the kiss to allow him to discard your shirt.

You found yourself rocking against him as his lips worked down your neck and chest. A new pair of hands hooked themselves under your bra clasp. You looked back to see Childe's arm extended. He pushed the straps off your arms, allowing the bra to fall away and expose your breasts. The cool air made your nipple perk instantly. You felt Childe's hands tug you down gently, allowing your back to lay against the cool cloth. You looked over to see Diluc's hands full of your table's drinks as he set them off to the side to avoid any accidents. Thoma eagerly took one of your nipples into his mouth while Kaeya's cold hand cupped the other.

Childe scooted the table away from him to provide him with the room to stand up. Your cheeks burned as you found yourself face to face with his still clothed erection. He chuckled at your expression, fingers caressing your cheek. He let his pointer finger trail delicately down your jaw to your chin, and then from your chin down your exposed neck. You shivered slightly at the way it tickled.

You felt someone tug down your skirt and your underwear, cool air rushing over your core. Zhongli had managed to free his member from his pants and was pumping himself outside of your field of vision. His other hand was pressed to your hip. He admired the way your chest heaved. Thoma and Kaeya littered your skin with bite marks and kisses. You watched intently as Childe followed in Zhongli's lead, freeing himself from his pants. Your lips parted slightly in anticipation, breath fanning the tip of Childe's dick with every exhale. Zhongli lined himself up with your entrance, you clenched your fists when you felt his tip push in. He sunk the rest of the way into you, a sigh of relief falling from his lips. He silently thanked Kaeya and Childe for prepping you so well before he had even arrived. Childe repeated this same process with your lips, slowly sinking into your mouth and relishing the feeling of your warm tongue wrapping around him.

The men both started thrusting at the same time but at very different paces. Childe was eager and less restrained, holding you steady while he fucked your face. He was also louder, not seeming to care if the staff or other patrons heard how good you were making him feel. Zhongli on the other hand was slower, drawing all the way out of you before slamming back into you. Though, after a few moments he seemed to compromise with himself and picked up the pace slightly, only drawing partially out of you, but still enough to let you feel his tip hit deep inside of you with each powerful thrust. You felt Diluc's familiar fingers come into contact with your clit, rubbing you in just the right way to make you clench around Zhongli and moan around Childe. Diluc left kisses all over your lower half, his long hair spilling over his shoulder and tickling your stomach.

The lewd sounds of slapping and kissing and sucking were all that could be heard in the room, along with Childe’s occasional unrestrained noises of pleasure. He moaned your name, head thrown back and mouth agape. His cheeks were flushed bright pink, and they only seemed to glow brighter the closer he got to cumming. Childe's pace became sloppy and erratic as he drew near to his own orgasm, thrusts becoming shallow as he chased euphoria. He pulled out right as he hit his high point so he could paint your chest with his cum. He moaned your name particularly loudly as he did, using his own hand to slowly lower himself down from his peak.

Kaeya pulled back and marveled at the marks he left on your skin, the imprints of his teeth visible in several spots. "My turn already?" He hummed, fingers tracing over the splotches and bruises on your skin. "A shame, I wasn't finished with my work of art yet." He stood up nonetheless as Childe fell back on the seat behind him, still trying to catch his breath. Kaeya quickly took his place, much to Thoma's disappointment. Kaeya's signature smirk hadn't left his face once while he admired the way your breasts glistened with a mixture of sweat and cum. He slowly undid the button to his pants, pushing them partially down his legs before moving to his underwear. You swear his cock bounced when it sprang free, tip flushed and absolutely beautiful. It seems this man truly didn't have an ugly bone in his body.

You felt Zhongli slowly coming undone inside you too, his cock twitching more and more every time he pushed himself into your smooth walls, even more so whenever Diluc's added stimulation made you clench around him. You felt yourself rock against his fingers, your own climax on the horizon. Zhongli gave one final thrust into you before you felt him spill his hot seed into you, his fingers digging into your hips in an attempt to ground himself. You moaned at the feeling of your walls being coated white. Kaeya took this as an opportunity to muffle you with his cock. He stuffed your mouth full of him, watching in a sort of satisfied sadistic fashion as you choked slightly on his length.

Zhongli pulled out of you after he finished cumming, panting heavily. You whined around Kaeya's cock at the loss of contact, hole clenching desperately around nothing. You squirmed your hips and mewled, hoping someone would get your wordless plea for some form of stimulation. Diluc, ever so observant, was the first one to pick up on your discomfort. "Aw, does my little princess want to be filled up again?" He asked tauntingly. "Do you want my cock inside of you?" His fingers continued to push you toward your orgasm. He chuckled at the way you jerked your hips into his touch, whines becoming louder still even with your mouth full of Kaeya's erection. As he felt your body start to tense, he withdrew his hand from your clit before you could cum. You pressed your thighs together while a groan left your lips, feeling frustrated tears well up in your eyes.

Diluc switched spots with Zhongli and unzipped his pants loud enough to get the anticipation in your stomach building rapidly. You heard fabric bunching and shuffling, and in turn took advantage of the adrenaline rush you were getting to eagerly please Kaeya. You hollowed your cheeks and allowed your tongue to work over him, lewd sucking noises escaping your lips. Kaeya groaned in response, his grip on your head tightening still as he bucked his hips into you frantically. You felt Zhongli's rough hands run over the skin of your breasts, centering on the nipples. You felt him wipe some of Childe's cum off you, and moments later the feeling of his fingers got replaced with his tongue as he sucked slightly on the soft flesh.

You sucked in a sharp breath when you felt Diluc's tip at your entrance, face contorting as you prepared for him to stretch you out just like Zhongli had. You paused as he pushed in -- not all the way, just an inch or so -- to truly revel in the feeling the he was providing you. He sunk in a little bit more to let you get used to the feeling of him in your tight sex, he was a little more girthy than Zhongli. Finally, he pushed into you until he bottomed out, filling your cunt to the brim with his member. A quiet groan escaping his lips; you would give anything to see the blissful look on his face right now.

You squirmed as he started to move. He went slowly at first, letting himself become coated in your slick to make his job easier. He took a few moments to find a good rhythm, one that was much different from Zhongli's. He was steady and consistent, pulling out an inch or two only to push back into you. He lifted one of your legs to give him a better angle, you let out a muffled moan as his tip kissed your sweet spot. Kaeya groaned again at the vibration of your voice. You felt Kaeya’s thumb press slightly against the center of your throat where he could feel himself thrusting in and out of you. You swallowed around him as he gave his last few thrusts before he was sent over the edge, cumming in spurts over your tongue. He let out a long moan that you wanted to keep on repeat forever.

You caught sight of Thoma eagerly awaiting his chance to feel your mouth around him. Kaeya pulled out slowly, stepping to the side (albeit a little bit grudgingly) to let Thoma have his turn. Thoma has already freed himself, precum leaking from the tip. He seemed a little nervous as he found himself finally aligned with your awaiting mouth. “Are you sure this is alright?” He asked, closely watching your face for signs of discomfort. His gentleness was refreshing after the way Kaeya and Childe so unceremoniously face-fucked you.

You giggled, kissing his tip causing his ears to flush red. “Mhm, of course. You’re so good for me~” His eyes went wide at your praise. You let your mouth hang open as an invitation for him to enter you, a high pitched whine escaping him almost immediately after sinking into you. He cupped your head gently, pulling out of you slowly before pushing back into you, truly appreciating the stimulation you were giving him.

Kaeya truly could never sit still with an opportunity so grand in front of him. His fingers found their way to toy with your clit, his cold fingers making you squirm under his touch. Childe, who was still on the couch, had gotten hard again and was pumping himself as he watch you slowly get your holes stuff full of cum. You moaned as Diluc’s dick hit your sweet spot again and again, Kaeya’s cold fingers causing your head to spin. You could feel your orgasm coming fast, and it felt like it was going to be an intense one. You arched your back off the table, whines becoming increasingly more frequent the more pressure built up. Diluc also seemed to be nearing his release, you could always tell by the way he moaned your name. A few more thrusts into you was all it took for you to come undone. You cried out, thighs quivering as you squirted all over Kaeya’s fingers and Diluc’s cock alike. Diluc followed a few seconds after, burying himself inside of you as he came hard, eyes intently watching the sight of you during and after your orgasm.

Thoma’s cock twitched as he watched you make a mess over Diluc’s cock, his breathy moans of your name getting louder and louder. He knew it wouldn’t take long for him to finish, not with the way your tongue traced his veins and your hand assisting him with whatever he couldn’t fit in your mouth. You felt the knot come undone and Thoma’s sweet cum flooded your mouth. He pulled out, gently wiping the spit from your face.

The room was filled with nothing but the sound of heavy breathing as everyone came down from their highs. Zhongli was even nice enough to grab your water from where Diluc had set them off to the side and offer you some as he dabbed away some of your sweat with a napkin. Diluc finally pulled his now softened member out of you, admiring the way your cum-filled hole leaked. He had to fight the urge to fuck every last drop back into you.

A knock resonated from the door, causing everyone in the room to freeze. “Um, sorry to interrupt,” the servers voice sounded meekly from outside the door, “you guys reservation time is up…” You cringed at the idea of having to walk back to your hotel room in this state, legs still wobbly and cum all over you.

“I supposed to ‘important announcement’ excuse won’t work now..” If you didn’t know any better, you’d say Zhongli sounded amused. “No need to fret, I’ll just pay them a generous tip to overlook this little.. endeavor.”

“You mean I’ll pay the tip.” Diluc cut in flatly. You all were lucky the company had the money to be avoiding scandals like this or else you’d all be done for. Maybe he could convince you to, uh, thank him for it later…

[ptergwen]

If you do smut can you do like stark!reader x peter parker (spiderman) are dating 3-4 month and y/n and peter had their very fluff first time then next morning y/n has hickies all over her neck and her thights stomach... and tony/ her dad sees it and is confronting them with it😂 i love your stories 🤤

just saying hi

w/c: 2.5k

warnings: veryyyy suggestive, swearing, some pretty embarrassing moments

a/n: thank you babe! i didn’t write the actual smut but y’all can guess what happened 😭 also this is super long i couldn’t help myself

-

it was everything. it was everything you ever wanted your first time to be and more.

you’d brought up to peter during a make out session one night that you were ready to go farther than you two already have. there was one base you didn’t hit yet. the fourth, the final. you were thinking about it for a while before that, and peter would be lying if he said he didn’t.

your love has always been physical, whether it’s you kissing peter’s cuts after a mission or him tracing hearts on you with his fingers. there’s also the more sexual side of things. that part, you both enjoy just as much, maybe even a little more because you know exactly how to make each other feel good after all the trial and error.

what better way to combine the two than, well, making love?

last night was your sign from the universe, your go ahead to do it. you had the compound to yourselves because your dad had taken all the “big kids” out for the night. you’re both well into college, but he refuses to see you as adults. that meant no peter and no you. you two were a little offended until you realized you could make use of your alone time.

you started off searching for a movie. that turned into you wrestling peter for the remote because you didn’t feel like watching back to the furure yet again. wrestling turned into you on top of him, which turned into you kissing him, which turned into peter throwing the remote somewhere and carrying you up to your room with his lips still on yours.

neither of you had to say it. you were on the same page, same wavelength, two brains in one as peter layed you down and trailed his kisses lower and lower.

peter was so gentle with you, except for when you told him not to be. those were the times he didn’t hold back. he was attentive and sweet and showed you quite a few times how much he loves you. you showed him just the same. yeah, it was really everything.

“morning, baby. you awake yet?” peter hums against the shell of your ear, arms wound comfortably around you. “kinda,” you mumble back with a goofy smile. he presses his lips to your ear and nuzzles his face in the side of your neck. “kinda... how’d you sleep?” you can hear the grin in his voice. his nose nudges your bare skin where a fresh hickey lies and makes you scrunch your own up.

“good, really good. always love sleeping with you.” you’re both aware of the alternate meaning that has now. “funny,” peter lets out a breathy laugh against you and brushes his thumb over your stomach where your shirt got ridden up. you sigh, enjoying his soft touch and reaching behind you to play with his curls. they’re a lot messier than usual from you tugging on them all last night.

peter removes his face from your neck and carefully turns you onto your other side. you’re facing him now, eyes trained on his concerned expression. “hey, just wanna check. how are you feeling? still sore?” a tiny smile stretches your face. he really does care about you and how you feel after everything. you know for a fact most other guys wouldn’t.

“i mean, yeah. you were... it was a lot, but i’ll be fine in a few days i think.” the mention of peter being a lot makes color rush to his face. you laugh quietly at that, cupping one of his cheeks that’s turning pink. “oh. i, um, i didn’t know that. sorry.” he smiles shyly as you smooth your thumb over his warm skin. “don’t be. it wasn’t as bad after i... adjusted a little,” you reassure him, making him lean into your palm.

“i really am sorry, y/n/n. can i make it up to you?” peter checks with you, eyes going up from yours to down your body. he hooks a finger in the waistband of your pajama shorts. “make you feel better?” the way he finishes his question with a bite of his lip is definitely tempting. so is your stomach yelling at you to put some food in it. you’ll have to wait.

“later. right now, you can make me breakfast,” you beam at him and take his hand. peter pushes his palm against yours, letting you lace your fingers together as he puffs some air out of his cheeks. “yeah, that’s gonna go well.” “i’m supervising. it will.” you capture his lips in a kiss, one he instantly reciprocates, free hand resting on your hip. just as it’s heating up, you break it.

“i’m hungry for actual food,” you giggle and roll out of his embrace. “ok, ok, ok. let’s go see what we have,” peter gives in with a chuckle, grabbing the same hand he was just holding and following you down to the kitchen.

he ends up popping some frozen waffles into the toaster, you sitting up on the counter with your phone out while he struggles through the different settings. “should i put it on bake? no, that doesn’t sound right,” he talks to himself with eyes squinted in concentration. “your dad made this thing so... detailed.” it’s an old stark industries toaster, one with options you probably don’t even need.

“yeah because he loves his toast, so maybe don’t break it. he’ll kill you or something,” you half playfully half seriously suggest. peter is one clumsy guy. he tsks at you and crouches down to read the words on the dial. there’s conveniently a setting for waffles, so he hits that one. he’s not sure how he hadn’t noticed it before.

since he’s down there, he takes one of your ankles in both hands and starts to kiss up your leg. it tickles when he gets to your knee, drawing a giggle out of you, but your phone still blocks his face. you’re doing it on purpose. “baby,” peter tries to get your attention in a soft voice. he presses a couple more kisses to your knee. you have to hold your breath so you don’t laugh again.

“baby girllll,” peter drags out, lips moving up your thigh. he nudges your phone with his nose much like a puppy would. “aye, i’m talkin’ to you here,” he says in a fake new york accent. you finally put it down next to you. “i’m listening.” you’re giving him a satisfied smile as he goes back to kissing you.

“just saying hi,” he looks up at you and moves your shorts aside while he kisses further and further to where you want. you scoot closer to him on the counter.

that’s when he stops. not only stops, gasps in horror. “what?” you ask quickly, his eyes fixed on your inner thighs. “i kind of, uh, marked you up. like, a lot.” he runs a finger gently over the bruised skin. you’re suddenly very aware of it now. it doesn’t exactly hurt, just feels bumpy and weird. you peer down at yourself to see the damage, eyes going wide.

“shit... they’re on my neck, too,” you remember, murmuring to him. you’ll have to cover these up before everyone gets home. worry flashes across peter’s face. “oh my god, i didn’t even realize. it- it was dark and you told me-“ “pete, it’s okay. it’s pretty hot,” you stop his rambling, reaching down and putting a hand on his shoulder. he frowns up at you.

“really? are you sure i didn’t go too far? because you can tell me.” you’ve always appreciated how much peter genuienly values your thoughts on things, in the bedroom and in other parts of your relationship. it does lead to a lot of second guessing, though. you squeeze his shoulder and let out a breath. “i’m sure, okay? it’s really not that serious. i’ll just change so no one can see.”

peter winds an arm around one of your legs, body relaxing ever so slightly under your touch. “okay.” he gives your thigh one final kiss, then rests his chin on it. “what about your neck?” “uh...” you hadn’t considered that yet. “makeup? a scarf?” you’ve seen enough tv to know neither of those work, but they’re your only options.

“yup. mr. stark is really gonna kill me now,” peter says under his breath, tensing up all over again. you furrow your eyebrows at him. “what? we’re literally grown adults, we can do whatever we want-“

tony claps loudly as he steps into the kitchen, announcing his return home. peter jumps up from between your legs faster than fast. he moves so he’s next to you, and you hop down from the counter.

“hello, daughter of mine. spider of man,” your dad greets you two, you pulling down your shorts with a plastered on smile. “or would it be man of spider?” he plucks an apple from the bowl on the table as he ponders his question. steve and wanda file into the room next. “second one,” peter replies, grinning a little too much to be normal. tony takes note of that.

wanda comes over to the fridge for a snack, which is close to where you and peter are. “how was last night?” you ask her to take the attention off you two. wanda settles on a yogurt and turns to you. “it was good. we shared a few hotel rooms, had our own party.” she glances over at peter, a knowing smirk playing on her lips. “seems like you two had a fun night of your own.”

peter’s mouth drops open. “how did you-“ he forgot she could read his mind and now knows everything that happened. you slap a hand over your forehead. “you couldn’t think about anything else? for, like, a minute?” you whisper yell at him. he uses his eyes to plead with you. “i’m sorry! i was looking at the hickeys-“ he realizes what he’s saying. “crap.”

shooting you a wink, wanda shuts the fridge and goes to join the rest of the team in the living room. lucky for you and peter, steve started lecturing tony about washing his fruit before he eats it. he didn’t hear any of that. there’s still the problem of your visible hickeys that you have zero seconds to hide.

“how the fuck am i supposed to cover these? they’re right in the center, peter!” you panic, your heart starting to race as peter fumbles for a dish towel. that’s the best he could come up with? “no!” you toss it back at him. he throws it on the counter with a pained look. tony and steve make their way over to you.

“oh, hush. a couple of deadly pesticides won’t shake me, stevey boy,” tony insists and takes another big bite of his apple. steve huffs in disapproval and crosses his arms. “you’re a big baby, tony. if you’re not gonna do the right thing, at least buy organic-“ with the world’s longest sigh, tony chucks his apple into the open garbage can.

“there. no more apple discourse.” steve shakes his head at your dad’s behavior. “that was a waste. you could’ve finished it.” “not with your nagging into my literal ear.” steve raises his hands in surrender before making his way out of the kitchen. tony side steps past him and over to you. “enough of that now. let’s have a welcome home hug from my girl.”

you share a look with peter, a look of pure fear that’s in both of your eyes. he’ll definitely notice the hickeys if he gets that close to you. he holds out his arms expectantly while peter scratches the back of his own neck. “sure, dad. welcome home.” an awkward smile on your lips, you bury your face in your dad’s chest and wrap your arms around him in one motion. this way, he didn’t have time to see you from too close up.

peter exhales in relief at the narrowly avoided disaster. that’s until tony makes a request. “missed me that much, kiddo, huh? come out of there.” “but, i’m so comfortable. i wanna stay like this,” you insist, a niceness to your voice tony immediately sees through. he drops his arms from around you, eyeing peter suspiciously, who averts his gaze to the floor.

“nuh uh, you did something. both of you,” your dad states, taking a step to stand between you and peter. peter gulps down a breath before speaking. “mr. stark, it was-“ tony holds up a hand. “don’t worry, kid. i’ll figure it out.”

he gives peter a proper stare, searching him for clues of some sort. it’s a good thing he isn’t wanda because the details of your night would have been exposed. he couldn’t find anything, so now it’s your turn. he’s a little disappointed you’re the one hiding something.

“oh, y/n. not you,” tony sighs as he gives you a looking over. he starts with your face, your eyes following down as his do. it’s when he gets just past your chin that he sees them. the little hickeys littering your skin, some already deep shades of purple. he rips off his glasses in disbelief.

“absolutely not.” he closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose with the same hand his glasses are in. “i’m not seeing this. i’m not seeing this if i don’t look.” you scoff at his reaction. “dad, you know we’re together. you can’t expect us to not...” “don’t say it,” tony begs, getting the urge to hurl his half eaten apple. he turns and faces peter.

“parker, you really did all of that?” peter only blinks, nervously meeting the eyes of his mentor. “to my daughter?” tony adds on to scare him even more. “i- i-“ a burst of frustration comes out of peter. “you left two teenagers alone the whole night. what’d you think was gonna happen?” he’s shocked at his own words, his face showing it. tony raises his eyebrows. both your hands cover your mouth.

not wanting to deal with peter, tony addresses you instead. “i don’t care how you do it, cover those up. don’t let me see them ever again. understood?” you nod a good amount of times and reach for peter’s hand. he’s about to give it, then tony glares down at what’s happening. peter pulls back immediatelty. “understood. we’ll, um, do better next time,” you agree, tony winching at the idea of a next time.

“you, parker... treat a lady with a little more respect, eh?” tony clicks his tongue at him. he’s referring to all the hickeys. peter’s lips form a line, a sarcastic one that says oh well. “i tried, mr. stark, but y/n wanted me to-“ “christ, that’s enough.” tony furiously shakes his head and starts to walk away from you two. “never again!”

you’re thanking god when he sets off for the living room, you hiding your face in peter’s chest, his face in your hair. “that was terrible. that was the worst thing ever,” you say into him. “i’m sorry, baby. we gotta be more careful.”

it’s not over yet because then, the toaster dings. you’d completely forgotten about the waffles. you and peter both separate with your millionth shared look of terror. tony comes rushing back into the room, very familiar with that noise.

“first you destroy my daughter, now my toaster? pete... you’re in for it, kid.”

[sabraeal]

Seven Swipes for Shirayuki, Chapter 5

[Read on AO3]

Obiyuki Trope Madness 2023, Semifinal #1: Bodyguard Crush

It’s not quite a scowl that scrunches the space between Ryuu’s eyebrows, but it’s a kissing cousin; frustration and fondness stirred together to make a cocktail of expression uniquely for her as he stares down at the request.

“She’s ten weeks.” His thumb idly taps the screen, thoughtful. “She’s already had one by now.”

“And she’s due to have one again at twelve, I know, but--” Shirayuki leans over his shoulder, tapping at the line that reads Hyperemesis Gravidarum: Active-- “you and I both know what this means.”

“One sac at seven weeks, one heartbeat.” A sigh saws out of him, his patience worn as thin as his sleeves at the elbow. “I know statistics too.”

“Seven week ultrasounds are notoriously inaccurate,” she scoffs, shifting her wait for the long haul. “There’s a reason half the doctors here don’t bother unless there’s complications. It’s fine enough to date a pregnancy, but even then...”

It’s impossible not to know the reputation Ryuu’s made himself in the ward-- a hardass, Obi’s so quick to remind her, proud-- but Shirayuki never really remembers it. At least, not until his shoulders set as stiff as the mattresses, expression as forbidden as any Haruka’s fixed on her. “Shirayuki--”

“You know I’m not implying technician error.” Not due to lack of skill, at least, though she doesn’t think he’d appreciate the distinction. “But pregnancy isn’t simple. There’s plenty of ways even the best tech could have missed something that early.”

He stares at her, an unmovable object. “I wouldn’t know.”

Good thing she’s got practice being an unstoppable force. “What could it hurt?”

“Nothing,” he admits, too easily. “Except that she had her last sonogram here. If I order another, I would be directly overturning the opinion of the last technician.”

“Ryuu.” Her hands hook on her hips, taking a breath to blunt her impatience. “We’re all professionals here. No one is going to take it personally if you check their work due to new information.”

He might an adult now, old enough to buy his own drinks at hospital happy hour, but his pout-- even as he tries to hide it behind the monitor-- is all teenager. “You can’t promise that. People are very erratic. The last thing I want to do is make enemies of--”

His train of thought stops dead on the track, attention fixed to a singular point on the screen.

“Never mind,” he says, opening the order. “I’ll do it.”

Shirayuki blinks. “Are you sure?”

“Sure,” he agrees, closing out the screen. “The queue’s full this morning, but I’ll see if someone can fit her in around the scheduled patients.”

“Ah, right, of course.” She grasps for something to say, something that isn’t what changed your mind, and settles on, “Thank you.”

He glances over the screen, mouth still stretched thin. “If it’s one sac, you won’t ask me again, right?”

“Er...” Shirayuki’s stared down deans and hospital board members alike, but Ryuu’s tone makes her falter, left-footed in face of his displeasure. That is, until his mouth twitches, straining against the angle of a smile.

“Right,” she says, flushed with pride. “I promise I’m not wasting your time, doctor.”

Ryuu ducks his head, making a show of crossing his t’s and dotting his i’s, but through that thick morass of curls, the tips of his ears are stained a painful pink. “Well, y-you don’t have to call me that.”

Ryuu’s hardly out of sight when Higata whistles, eyebrows hovering just under his hairline.“Well, well. Been a while since I’ve seen the Rules Lawyer handled so quick.”

Shirayuki’s not in the habit of scolding on the floor, but she clucks her tongue, disappointed. “That’s not fair. You know Ryuu just wants to be taken seriously. It’s hard to be the Attending when you’re practically the same age as the interns.”

“Of course I do.” All her worries are shunted off with a wave of his hand, someone else’s problem. “I’m just saying, he’s not going to make any friends if his back’s always up like that.”

Kazaha surfaces in her mind, unbidden. “Ah, yeah, that’s...possible.”

Higata hums at the precise pitch of mischief. “I wonder what made him change his tune, though? You know how he gets about imaging. Never likes to overturn anyone’s work.”

A dozen reasons crowd her mind: His best friend is a tech, and no one gives him any respect. He nearly mastered out of his degree entirely to join imaging so he could deal with computers instead of patients. He’s only here because Kirito told him he’d like to work under a doctor like him--

But logic turns to excuse the minute it leaves the mouth. Shirayuki knows that all too well.

“Let me just..” A few keystrokes-- and an interminable wait-- and Higata’s eyes bulge. “Oh.”

“Hm?” She leans over the station, craning her neck to get a glimpse. It’s the ultrasound, one sac and the barely-there beginnings of a baby, but more importantly:

Technician, it reads, Sisk, M.

She grimaces. “Ah.”

“Yeah, that’d do it.” A few more keystrokes, and it’s gone, Higata shooing her back patient-side. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure this goes through before I’m out the door. Whoever I hand the baton off to will make sure to sit on imaging until they send someone up. Last thing we need is the CEO of this place raising a stink.”

“Oh, there’s no need to--” Shirayuki blinks, blearily watching as he goes through the motions she used to know so well. “You’re on nights.”

He hikes his brows at her, the way he always did when she’d been on shift too long; a silent, maybe you should be using the on-call room.

“Ah, right, you’ve been with me...the whole night...” she murmurs, wishing she had enough sleep for that to be an inside thought. “And if Ryuu’s here...as the day shift...then...”

“Then that means you’ll probably miss me, so long as America’s Sweetheart can keep some crackers down.” There’s no one who can wear mischief the way Obi does, like it’s a design suit tailored to fit every curve, but when Higata glances up from his station, a corner of his mouth quirked-- he comes close. “Unless she’s impressed by my dedication and debonair smile. Then maybe we might be coworkers again.”

Her own smile takes a similar slant. “That’s not a bad idea. I could use another set of hands. And I’m pretty sure that pool house could fit half the ward.”

Higata snorts, shaking his head. “Don’t let that mutt of yours hear that. He’ll be giving me grief for weeks about elbowing in on your love nest.”

She knows all it does is muddy the high ground, but Shirayuki’s been up too many consecutive hours to even try to stifle her sigh. “That isn’t what it’s like between me and--”

“It’d be nice to get back on days,” he murmurs wistfully, ignoring her. Typical. “The quiet’s nice, sure, but it’s hell on the social life.”

“Oh?” It’d never been easy to give up her daylight hours, especially when she’d lived at a latitude where she could get to her shift when the sun went down and still have night to burn twelve hours later. But socially...? “Are they?”

Higata stares at her, the way Obi does when she mentions she’s never seen a Marvel movie. “Shirayuki, are you--?” He shakes his head. “Right, of course. You probably wouldn’t have noticed with that VIP you were dating. Guys like him don’t wake up before noon.”

It’s habit to get her hackles up, to mount a high horse and ride to his defense. All her excuses marshal themselves in her mouth, ready to deploy at first breath: celebrities have a different schedule, most of their days don’t really start until after six, it’s hard to balance a nine-to-five company with a position that relies on hobnobbing after hours--

But she swallows them down, trying not to taste the bitter. That’s not her job not anymore.

And clearly, a voice that sounds far to wry to be her own hums in her ears, the left hand never really knew what the right was doing anyway, hm?

“Guess it’s good you make your own hours now, Ms. Private Practice.” Higata’s brows waggled far too suggestively. “You’ll need to be keeping the same hours as the rest of the plebs if you’re going back into the dating pool.”

There’s too much to take in there, too much that makes the static in her brain sound like screaming, and all she can do is blurt out, “Doctor.”

“Oh, forgive me,” he drawls. “Doctor Private Practice.”

Her problem is typically too many words, all of them trying to jostle out her mouth at once, but right now--

Right now, they’ve all abandoned her.

“I just...” She licks her lips; just one night of recycled air and already they dried, ready to crack. “Did I say I was going to...to be dating again? Or did someone else--?”

“Nah. You’re just a cute girl in a city with the largest amount of singles per mile. I figured you’d just jump back in the pool.” He slants her a sly look. “I mean, after the way you handled 2203 a few weeks, I figured...”

(”Good morning!” Shirayuki hums as she reaches for the chart. A the corner of the screen, the time flashes: 3:31, too early. “Technically. I’m Dr. Lyon, the OB on shift tonight. Can I just get your name and date of birth?”

“Amaryllis Elise.” The girl practically blends in with the sheets, her knuckles clenched so tight over her belly Shirayuki could use them for anatomy models. “April fifth, 1999.”

Shirayuki tries not to choke. Ninety-nine. The chart said the patient was twenty-four, but, ah, she hadn’t know they made twenty-four so young nowadays.

“Is this your first baby?” she asks, keying in her login. The monitor spikes as she types, BPM 120 flashing on the screen, poised like a breath before a scream. With practiced flick of the wrist, she mutes it before it starts. An alarm’s the last thing this girls needs going off right now. “Are you nervous?”

“It’s just-- is everything okay?” Fear makes her eyes wide and watery, flinching as Shirayuki’s fingers key in her data. “I had...there was some blood, right after they found the heartbeat, but they told me that was normal. But now it’s the third trimester, and that’s-- that’s bad right? Something’s wrong.”

The monitor spikes up to 125. Somewhere done the hall, the nurse’s station blares with it. That’s the worst part of being patient-side, really: no privacy.

“Not necessarily.” With a few short strokes, the wait list for imaging rolls across the screen. NEXT IN QUEUE: 2203, it promises. Cold comfort, when every minute without answers would be agony. “Most pregnancies that make it to third term are going to make it all the way to full.”

“But it’s so much blood.” The girl practically disappears beneath that johnny, her voice so small she can hardly hear it over the ward’s mechanical hum. “Did I do something wrong? I thought...I was being so careful. I don’t even eat deli meats...”

It’s hard to toe the line between lie and comfort; Kazaha would tell her, just say what they want to hear, it’s better then them getting hysterical on you. He’s backed up by a set of guidelines as thick as her wrist, all advising that she prioritize keeping the patient calm over keeping the patient informed, right down to suggesting it’s kinder to suggest a chemical pregnancy over a miscarriage.

Sometimes, Opa would tell her, tinkering with the old Ford in the garage, people think so much about what’s easy and safe, they forget it can be cruel.

Shirayuki pulls her hands from the keyboard, fixing her gaze right to where the girl lays huddled in the bed. “It’s always scary to see blood. And it’s even scarier because it’s taken so seriously, especially this late in the game, right?”

She nods, her hair getting even more tangled on the pillow.

“But the truth is, there’s so much that could be going on in there, and most of it just means we has to reassess our timetable for your pregnancy.” It’s Oma that Shirayuki summons up now, hoping her smile radiates even a fraction of the warmth she remembers. “I know you can’t help but worry, but I promise: it’s far more likely that you’ll both be fine.”

The girl considers that, fingers splayed over her belly. “But someone has to be unlucky, don’t they? That’s how statistics work.”

Shirayuki smothers a frown. “Did you say you has someone coming? Your--” she glances over at the screen-- “boyfriend?”

“No.” She shrinks under the sheets, looking younger by the second. “He doesn’t have enough PTO to cover something like this and still be at the birth. And my mom--” she grimaces-- “my mom would not be helpful right now.”

“Then here.” The rooms in this ward are huge, private, and thankfully full to the brim with comfy chairs. Shirayuki steps out, hooking ankle around one to catch her as she sits. “I’ll wait with you.”

The girl goes bloodless. “Oh, god. That’s bad, isn’t it?”

Shiaryuki blinks. “Excuse me?”

“You want to wait with me.” A trembling hand drapes over her ashen face. “That means you think I’m going to lose the baby, right? That’s it’s something so terrible, I can’t be--”

“No! No.” A laugh escapes her, breathless. “That’s not it at all. I just...I know when I’m left waiting, I convince myself of all sorts of terrible things. When I was doing my rotation in Infectious Disease, I coughed in the shower and convinced myself I had pertussis for the whole night.”

There’s no hint the girl’s heard her, but her BPM drops, just a bit.

“That’s the worst part about being a doctor,” Shirayuki confides, leaning close. “You know all the things that can go wrong.”

Beneath her hand, there’s the faintest hint of a smile. “I just have an over-active imagination and WebMD.”

Shirayuki lets herself take a page out of Obi’s book, letting half her mouth slant into a rueful grin. “Lucky.”

The smallest, thinnest giggle spools out of the girl, there and gone before she knows it.

“But seriously,” she says, letting her smile rest at its usual angles. “There’s no secret hint that’s something wrong. I promise, I’m only here because I don’t have anything better to do, and I hate waiting alone.”)

“2203?” Shirayuki frowns, confused. “What does that have to do w-with dating?”

Higata sighs, stretching as he gets to his feet. “I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about the other stuff. That you, you know, could have some of that in the cards for you.”

It’s not often that she experiences déjà vu, and certainly not for a phrase like, “Having a luteal cyst?”

Obi’s typically the on on the other end of Higata flattest, most unimpressed glares, but today he saves one just for her. “Let’s be real, Shirayuki. Statistics say you’ve already had one.” 

Ah, well. He does have her there.

Higata waves his hand, annoyed. “But I’m not talking about that. I meant the other thing.”

She blinks. “What other thing?”

“Oh, c’mon, Shirayuki,” he sighs. “The baby.”

(The girl nods. “Do you...do you think it’s okay? The baby, I mean.”

Shirayuki takes a deep breath. “I think you’ve done the right thing, coming here. And that’s all you can expect yourself to do.”

There’s a little more color in her now, no longer stark white but an ashen sort of tan. “Do you have kids?”

It’s hardly the first time she’s been asked, but still, it catches her left-footed. “Ah, no. Not right now. I’m not-- it hasn’t been the right time.”

Between medical school, family death, residency, and Izana, there’s barely been time to breathe, let alone think about something like-- like that, but that’s hardly something she needs to bring up with a patient. Especially when Obi could be lurking around the corner, ready to seize on any tender feeling and discuss it down to the bones.

“Oh.” Dark eyes round, pretty now that they’re not glassy with fear. “You’re so good at this, I would have guessed you had a bunch. You’re like, mom-material. You know, warm, I guess.”

Now it’s time for Shirayuki to stare, her hands limp where they lay on her lap.

“T-thank you.” It’s silly how much it means to her, being warm. That even for one minute, someone could feel about her the way she does about Oma. “I’d like to, probably. Maybe in a couple years, it’d be nice...”)

There’s no reason for that to make her flush, for her to feel like she’s stripped her naked on the maternity floor. But she does, crossing her arms over her chest as she murmurs, “I m-meant if Zen and I-- if we ever--”

She shakes herself. “I don’t need to date for that anyway! I could just adopt. Or do IVF if I could get the time off.”

Higata huffs, brows lifting straight to his hairline. “Or you could look around and see there’s a perfect sperm donor right--”

“Hey, Miss.” A paper cup slips into her hand, warm where it’s cradled between her palms. She barely has time to appreciate it before Obi slides up to the nurse station, splaying an arm across it like he owns the place. “Hello, nurse.”

Ah, there’s a flat look. “Oh, you’re still here.”

Obi presses a hand to his chest, rumpling the silk tie hung loose around his neck. Framed by his fingers like it is, it’s impossible not to notice the dubiously professional amount of tentacles on it. A gift from Suzu, if she was going to risk a guess. “As if I’d stray from Miss’s side.”

Higata’s mouth quivers. “Well I suppose if you’ve got to have a dog, it might as well be a loyal one.”

“Woof woof,” Obi agrees with a grin, and honestly, she’ll never quite understand how stand around and insult each other is the basis for a friendship, but somehow these two have made it work despite six years and three thousand miles between them. “Heading out already?”

“Turns out there is sleep for the wicked, so long as they’re unionized.” Higata leans down to close out his station, tension falling from him with a sigh. “I just have to get through shift changeover, and then I’m out. I better not see hide nor hair of either of you when I get back tonight.”

“No problem,” Obi promises. “I plan to wear out our welcome by noon.”

Higata’s barely turned the corner when Obi leans in, grinning as he tells her, “Eighteen.”

Shirayuki blinks. “What?”

“Eighteen,” he repeats giddily. “That’s the number of hours you’ve been a free agent.”

It takes her a whole minute to parse his meaning, staring into his broad teeth the entire time. Goodness, she really needs to check out the on-call. “I already told you, that was over a week ago.”

“Sure, sure.” He waves a hand, unconvinced. “Whatever you say, Miss.”

Most days, she would happily admit to enjoying her bodyguard’s company, but today-- well, if she has to go through another round of assessing how daddy anyone in her acquaintance is, today will not be one of them. “If you don’t believe me, I don’t know why--”

“I do.” He says it earnestly enough that it draws her up short. “But the timing’s not the point though.”

“It’s not?”

“No. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been.” She’s almost touched, until he yanks his phone out of his pocket, brandishing it menacingly. “It’s time for you to rebound.”

“Oh.” She squints, recognizing the logo before her eyes can parse the word. “T...inder?”

That grin of his widens, just an inch short of being Cheshire.

“Oh! You-- you kept that?”

He scoffs, one finger flicking across the page. “What, like I would delete this carefully crafted profile? Painstakingly created by yours truly, just for such an august occasion--?”

“You should have,” she squeaks, heat flooding her face. To think, he kept that all these years-- “Give that to me!”

Her hand snaps out, trying to knock it from his loose grip, but even with the element of surprise, Obi’s too quick for her. With the sort of grace only cats and former hitmen have, he slides it right out from under her fingers, hovering barely an inch away.

“Now, Miss,” he admonishes, his grin giving away that he loves the chase. “That’s not very nice.”

She leaps again, stepping so close her shoulder bumps into his sternum, but this time he lifts it, giving the phone a little wiggle above his head. “I was in a-- a relationship! What if Zen had found--?”

“Then I think the bigger question would be why bossman was--”

She jumps, fingers just brushing the bottom of the case, but it’s too high. And when she comes back down, well--

Obi’s arm clenches around her waist, holding her steady. “Careful there, Miss,” he breathes, wide-eyed. “Last thing I need to explain to His Majesty is why Doctor Humpty Dumpty can’t put his personal physician back together again.”

Braced against his chest, she can feel his heart race beneath her palm. “Fine. But you’ll delete that won’t you?”

The weight slung around her waist disappears as if it was never there in the first place. “Aw, but why? This is the perfect time to--”

“Ah.” A soft, masculine cough cuts through Obi’s theatrics. “I’m sorry to interrupt. I just, er...”

Shirayuki looks up, right into a dark pair of eyes that would be right at home on a golden retriever. An anxious one. “Oh, I’m sorry, can I help you?”

“Ah, yes, I was just wondering...” He can’t be much older than her-- the perfect first-time dad age, Obi had said once, mostly to needle her-- his hair blond and tousled the way everyone’s is out here. “My father was checked in here last night.”

“Your father?” A nurse wheels a woman behind him, belly so distended Shirayuki’s half afraid she’ll tip right out. “Here?”

“Ah, yeah, I think I wrote down the wrong room number?” His fingers tremble where they splay on the desk, like he’s trying his hardest not to drum them. “Do you think you could, um...?”

That’s, apparently, all the words he has. They just run out as he stands there, his mouth still moving but only air coming out.

With this little sleep, she has to admit, it’s kind of charming. “I’m not the nurse, but--”

“Oh!” A flush flares at the collar of his v-neck. “Oh, sorry, I just assumed, since you were here... and the scrubs...?”

She catches her laugh before it can escape containment. “No, no. I’m a doctor.”

“Oh,” he moans, mortified. “I’m sorry. That was-- I’m really-- ugh--”

“Not here though. Private.” If she were Obi she’d lean in a little, giving him a sly wink, but instead she settles on her warmest smile. “But I do know some people on the inside. Let me get someone to look that up for you.”

“Ah...” On anyone else, that toss of his hair would seem confident, but on him it’s just nervous, like a horse after a lightning strike. “That’s really...I mean, that would be great. Thank you.”

It’s an effort not to giggle, but she manages to ask, “Name?”

“Oh!” He clears his throat, blush working its way up to his ears. “It’s, um. Yuuta.”

[dangerousstrawberryshark]

Love in a Hopeless World

A/N: Hello, my 🍓Little Strawberries🍓! I’m back with another fic for you! This was one of the options given to me.

Pairing: Chris Redfield x Male reader

Requested: @evansphnx12

Rating: Mature

Warnings: NSFW, smut, bottom male reader, sir kink, degradation, creampie, size kink, Choking kink, breeding kink, masturbation, and all characters are above the age of 18+

Word Count: 2355

Summary: Its turns out there weren't that many supplies in the old abandoned campus. So, you and Chris have to go deeper into the city to find more but during the little scavenge, Chris began to dirty thoughts...

I hope you enjoy it! Sorry if it’s bad! And sorry for any errors that are found!

If you like what I write, how about check out my masterlist?

Keys:

M/n: Male name.

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[1]

[2] YOU ARE HERE

DISCLAIMER!: I never played or watched any gameplay of the resident evil series. And this doesn’t follow any of the resident evil timelines, it’s on its own.

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MINORS DNI. FEMALE READERS… I’LL ALLOW YOU TO READ MY FICS BUT DO NOT FETISHIZE ANY OF MY STORIES

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Previously...

Then y'all had another round of hot steamy sex. And the others at the base had a hard time sleeping that night.

«••••••••••••••»

Your eyes twitch at the unpleasant light hitting it directly. 'It's morning already?' you moved around only to feel wet sheets. 'What happened last night?'

Then you felt a body move and a muscular arm grab you, pulling you closer. You could feel the warmth, and muscular chest pushed against your back.

'Oh! That's right!' now you remembered why you were all sticky and sleeping against Chris. 'I had sex with my superior! But he felt the same.'

Then you felt Chris move around and waking up. "Hey, baby boy," Chris said with a raspy and deep voice. "Morning." you pressed your lips against his.

"If you continue, we may have to repeat what we did last night, baby," Chris growled as pulled back, gripping your waist. You smirked before getting up.

"Come one, we have to get ready. We have important business," you said. "Ugh, can't we just sleep in and have some... Fun?" Chris complained.

"I know you haven't had sex in 5 years but we need to go get those people. We'll have fun at the end of the day," you said stressing your muscles and popping your back.

The bed creaked meaning he finally got off his ass to get ready. "We need to go get those survivors. And scavenge for more supplies," you said putting your armor on and fixing it up.

After you both got your gear and weapons, you both walked into the main area with all the others.

Everybody looked at you both and immediately looked at way. There was awkwardness in the room. 'They must have heard me last night!' Hell! maybe the whole city heard it is quiet

"Uh,- sir... We have a situation." one of the soldiers said. "shot." Chris said. "Well... it turns out there weren't that many supplies found on the campus. We need more supplies if weren't gonna go get those survivors." the soldier said

You heard listening but your mind began to wonder. You still couldn't let go of the past, you remembered one of your siblings was accepted into MIT. This was 3 months after the Raccoon City Incident.

You would see on the news- Raccoon City survivors being discriminated against by the American people. "Hey, what do I keep saying?" Chris said next to you. His conversation was done.

"Stop thinking about the past, it's long gone," you replied, mimicking his voice. Chris laughed, "Okay, baby. But we need to go get those people."

You nodded but kind of chuckled at the fact that he didn't want to do anything today but now wants to do business.

"Come on, M/n! We have to get going. EVERYONE, protect the base at all cost." Chris commanded. "YES SIR!" they all said at the same time.

You, Chris, and a few others left the confines of the base. Even though it was morning, the sky still had a grey color to it. You open the door to the back seat and closed it.

"We should be there in 20 minutes or less." the driver said starting the engine up. "Alright, let's go." the armored car pulled out before driving down the messy road.

It wasn't long before you reached the waterfront. You could see the skyline perfectly, most buildings were on the verge of collapsing. Others were burnt to where the wall showed the skeleton.

Up ahead, you saw a bridge leading into Cambridge was destroyed. 'Longfellow Bridge.' You have been to Boston before and got to explore everything before the world went hell.

The ride continued for a while. There was nothing or anyone in sight. You could see the freeway ahead but like all other ways leading into Cambridge was destroyed.

"We're closing in on Bunker Hill. They said they are taking refuge by the monument." one of them said.

And wouldn't you know it? In the distance, you could see the tall granite obelisk peaking out. It kind of looked like the one down in D.C. but this one is still standing.

What you meant by "This one is still standing" is because the capital was hit by a nuclear warhead, along with other cities across the US.

The President and other government officials were evacuated and the countries important documents were evacuated as well. So, the legacy of the US would still live.

That means the President is still alive and is in some remote area devoid of zombie life.

"I see some people! They appear to be walking around." one of the soldiers said. And the people seem to notice us because they were waving at us.

"Stop the car," Chris said, the car stopped. He and others got out. Two of the survivors looked familiar? Like you have seen them before. They both were tall and had beards.

They walked up to y'all. "Please, are you here to rescue us?" one of them pleaded. "Yes, we're here to take you to our temporary base," Chris said.

They all smiled and some hugged each other. Chris ordered the soldiers to help some things and you approached the two survivors. "Why do you two look familiar?"

One of them laughed and smiled. "Well...- are you fan of Captain America and Thor?"

Your jaw dropped and your eyes widen. "No. Way. You're Chris Evans and Hemsworth!" you were lost at speech. "I thought y'all was dead! I- how-"

"Well, we survived! I'm not too sure about the others though..." Chris H said with that thick Australian accent. You both were just talking, unknown to Chris R was glaring holes into your head.

After y'all returned to MIT Dorms, you still talked with Chris E and H. You didn't even acknowledge Chris R's glares.

He was getting more and more jealous. 'I hate those two!' Chris yelled in his mind. They were taking your attention from him.

"We have to go M/n! We need to find supplies." Chris yelled at you. 'What's wrong with him?' you thought to yourself. "Bye guys!" You waved at the two Chris.

"He was fun to talk to." Chris H said and Chris E agreed.

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TIMESKIP (To Supermarket)

«••••••••••••••»

You and Chris arrived at the market. There were some abandoned cars in the parking lot. "Come on." You both walked to the doors and opened them.

The place was absolutely trashed. Lights flickering, aisles tipped over, some cans on the floor - also money, which was useless-, and the roof caved in on the left side.

"Look for non-perishables. Canned food would be good and find any water- if there is any that is." you nodded your head before going down one of the aisles.

There were some canned foods but no water. The smell of a rotting corpse filled the air, you could hear flies buzzing. "Ugh." you covered your nose and looked at the rotting corpse. "Poor bastard..."

Meanwhile, Chris was looking for the same stuff, but he was still bitter about you talking to those guys. And completely ignoring him. He could already imagine your punishment.

He could imagine you begging for more, feeling the tightness of your ass wrapped around his cock. 'Shit.' Chris was getting hard. His cock was feeling restricted by the tight pants.

"Hurry up, M/n!" Chris yelled from the other side of the store. "Okay!" you finished gathering anything you could find. 'Why are we leaving early? We have few more places to loot/raid.'

You left the aisles and made your way to the front doors. "Come on, we have to go." you both we made went to the vehicle and drove back to base.

You had found some supplies. 15 canned foods, and some water as well. It wasn't much, but it's something.

«••••••••••••••»

TIMESKIP (Arrival at the base.)

«••••••••••••••»

You and Chris arrived at MIT. You were gonna go talk with Chris E and H, but Chris R wasn't having it.

"Hey-" Chris grabbed your hand and began to rush to the room. Everyone knew what was gonna happen. 'Ah, shit- there gonna go at it again.'

At the room, Chris pinned you against the wall and latched his lips onto yours. The kiss rough, his much larger body pushed against yours shows the difference in size.

His tongue pushed against your teeth telling you to open them. You slowly pushed your mouth, Chris immediately pushed his tongue and invaded your mouth.

"Mmm-" you moaned into the kiss as Chris began to grip your ass. "Up." He growled into your ear. You wrapped your legs around his waist and continued to make out.

He lifted you and carried you to the bed. He slammed you onto your back before pulling away and attacking your neck. "A-ah!" Chris found your sweet spot.

"You belong to me, M/n! I claimed you that night we had sex last night!" Chris growled. "Strip." he quickly removed his clothes, leaving him in his boxers.

You could see the outline thick meaty cock. "You got hard from just kissing me?" you laughed. "You don't talk me like that! You're the slut here." Chris growled as he gripped and slapped your thighs.

You whimpered under the touch. "Look at you, whimpering under me. And your pathetic cock got hard from me hitting you. But let's see what this ass has to say." Chris said as he put your legs on his shoulders

You then felt his thick slicked fingers at your entrance. One finger slips in, your muscles immediately clenched at the invader. "M-mm." you gripped the sheets as his finger pushed deeper.

Then a second finger went in. You clench even more as it did a scissor motion. "Aagh!" you felt his fingers touch the bundle of pleasure. "You're ready."

Chris pulled his fingers out to see your hole doing a grabbing motion. 'Fuck... that's hot.' Chris threw his head back while jerking his cock. "Can't wait to pound this slutty boipussy."

You felt his fat tip push past your tight ring. "Mmm... C-Chris!-"

Smack

"YOU DON'T CALL ME THAT! You didn't learn from last time? You. Call. Me. Sir. You got that?" Chris growled/yelled. "Y-yes, Sir... It's just that... You're so big..." You whimpered.

Then with one Thrust, Chris pushed his entire cock inside. "See? You're taking all 12 inches of me! Fuck, so tight..." Chris groaned. His cock was touching your prostate.

His thick meaty cock filled your insides perfectly. Like you were made for each other. "Y-you're... splitting m-me... in two!" you moaned as you felt it throb and twitch.

"P-please... fuck me... make me your slut." you begged. Chris smirked before snapping his hips.

He began pounding into you. His big cum-filled balls smacked against your ass as he thrusts harder. "S-sir! Y-you feel... s-so good!" You moaned as you threw your head back and gripped the sheets tighter.

"You think those guys can fuck you like I do?! Only I can give you this pleasure, only me!" Chris growled as he thrust harder, hitting your prostate repeatedly.

You used the last of your strength to get up and wrapped your arms around Chris's neck. You clawed his back as he thrust more, you were sure those were gonna leave marks.

"Maybe those guys can give me more pleasure," you smirked at your fake statement. You heard a deep growl as Chris dropped you on the bed and flipped you onto your stomach.

"You fucking slut! Only I can give you this much pleasure! Those guys don't deserve you. Bet their cocks aren't as big as mines." Chris growled as he gripped your hips.

Sounds of skin-slapping and balls slapping against your ass filled the room and the others in the building had to hear it. The walls weren't soundproof.

Your cock was twitching, ready to release a load. "You're about to cum without me touching you! Well, I'm -FUCK- about to cum too." Chris groaned as you tighten around him.

"P-please... give me... y-your load!" You moaned as you arched your back to give Chris more access. "Want me to fill this slutty ass with my cum? Gonna... cum... soon!"

After 5 more thrusts, Chris reached his breaking point, and so did you.

"FUCK! I'M CUMMING! CUM WITH ME!" Chris groaned, he wrapped his hand around cock stroking it before you released it all over his hand. That was enough for him.

"FUCK!" you felt his cock twitch before pumping his hot load inside, filling you up to the brim.

*Breathing intensifies*

Chris collapses onto the bed right next to you with his cock still inside. You felt him pull out with his cum leaking out. "I'll never leave you for those two. My heart only beats for you," you said sincerely turning over to face him.

"I'll never leave you too. We'll be together until our time runs out." Chris said pulling you into a kiss filled with passion and love.

'There is still Love in a Hopeless World.'

THE END.

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A/N: Finally this is done! I hoped you enjoy this, by 🍓Little Strawberries🍓!